June 30, 2009

Sword Play

Last night I engaged in some sword play. This is similar to knife play but using a samurai sword. It is really an intoxicating experience for both a Dom/Master and a sub/slave. Of course, this is not something for those who are new to the lifestyle. It is one of the activities which One must work toward.

The basic premise of the scene is to have her feel the cold steel against her body. A sword is a versatile object when used properly. In the simplest form, it is a nice accessory to spank one with. Instead of a paddle, One can make her ass nice and red with the sword. Mine is a heavy model so the downward thrusts really make a dark mark.

Also, the end of the sword is pointed allowing for a severing of the skin. Using the weapon in this way requires precision and a steady hand. The idea is to not go too deep so as to hurt her. When it is done properly, the skin is marked without drawing blood. It is a great turn-on to see the red line underneath the skin where the blood is pushing to get out. Nevertheless, the occasional drawing of blood is not a bad thing. It will add to the scene if she is into that sort of thing.

Finally, the sword can be used to tinker with the sensitive areas. When blindfolded, she will jump when she feels that steel against the pussy. Again, this is only for those who are familiar with this form of play. Great damage can be caused if One is not careful. Nevertheless, she will go crazy at the feeling of being taken in such a way.

The experience last night was enhanced since I blindfolded her and proceeded without warning her. She was completely unaware of what was to transpire which adds to the enjoyment. A sub/slave loves being taken by someone she trusts. When you have the ability to move towards something so extreme, you will awaken even the most experienced sub/slave. Few will take the time to progress to this point. Do so and you will stand out.

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Spank Me

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June 29, 2009

Dennis Not So Hairy Pussy

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A Small Community

Local BDSM is a small community. You will realize this after being in the lifestyle for only a short while. Many seem to think that there is an expansive world they are about to encounter. The truth is that local BDSM groups tend to be small.

Many who are involved in this way of life also participate in swinging or group sex in some capacity. I find it interesting how I can come across the same people no matter what circle I am interacting with. Before going any further, the area I live in has over 500,000 people residing in it. Thus, it is not a "small town".

While it is refreshing to know people when you meet up with them, it is also thrilling to encounter new people. Sadly, this does not happen a lot. Many who are interested in this lifestyle begin by researching online. This allows them to get some basis before moving into a real time scenario. The next step might be to submit to someone online to get the virtual interaction going. Finally, the two will meet and decide where to take the relationship at that point.

Munches and other meet and greets can be a lot of fun. They can also be clickish and full of wannabes. There are a lot of pretenders out there. Unfortunately, munches are where many can end up. So one should be careful when new.

People who are truly in the lifestyle will keep reappearing. No matter how big the area, the BDSM community tends to be small. Those who genuinely live this way of life do so. Therefore, they will be around after 6 or 9 months. The pretenders will drift away after a short while. Stick with the familiar faces, they are the ones who are true to this way of life.

It is helpful to interact with any new faces that you encounter. However, it is best to remember that the original "friends" may turn out to be the only genuine ones you meet.

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June 28, 2009


Discipline is one of the most important aspects of BDSM. Whatever the basis of the relationship, there needs to be discipline when there is one in a submissive role. The central fact is that people tend to lack the discipline to fulfill One's desires. This is where corrective action is required.

Mistakes will be made. Before going any further, there is a difference between a mistake and disobedience. When one tries to accomplish a task but cannot do so because of an issue outside of him/her, that is not worthy of discipline. Neither are honest mistakes in my opinion. Usually a corrective word or showing one how You want it done will be enough. Of course, repeated mistakes after shown will necessitate some action on Your part.

I often compare owning a slave to child rearing. Many of the attributes are similar. The fact is that both instances have someone dependent upon you to shape his/her future. You are responsible for molding them into what you think best. In the BDSM world, this is to be the ideal sub/slave for you. Sadly, people enter this lifestyle with different experiences, beliefs, and desires. Often they can conflict with what a Dom/Master is attempting to accomplish. When this occurs, a bit of discipline is required. In my book, An Owned Life, I thoroughly cover this concept.

Use discipline the same way You would with a child. It is important to remember the ultimate goal is to model behavior. Punishments without reasons do not qualify as discipline but, rather, abuse. Keep this in mind.

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June 27, 2009

How Important Is Sex?

Often I write how sex is not the major component of a M/s or D/s lifestyle. While many relegate BDSM to only their sexual practice, others prefer to expand it to other areas of their lives. The domination does not end with orgasm. Instead, it carries on into those aspects that both parties agreed upon.

People like sex. It is one of the most powerful motivators in life. Scratch that. Sex is the most powerful motivator. This single instinct makes people go to the greatest of lengths. They will do anything to increase the amount of sex they get.

Society is full of situations which prove this point. Take the automobile industry. Why do companies like Porsche, Ferrari, and Jaguar exists. They provide automobiles which get guys laid. These vehicles show the power and success required to make one attractive to the opposite sex.

Exercise is done for the same reason. We all know the health benefits of working out. Nevertheless, how many people workout for the purpose of getting healthier. The same people exercising at the gym are also eating a double cheeseburger or drinking alcohol to excess. Instead, I maintain, most people work out to improve their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

M/s and D/s are lifestyles where the sexual control is turned over to the dominant one. This is the foundation of the total power exchange. People who are drawn to this way of life tend to be high sex-drive people. It offers a way for them to fulfill the inner desires while attending to many of the fantasies they harbor. BDSM carries the taboo since mainstream society puts it down.

Sex in the M/s or D/s world is just as important as it is in a marriage. However, it is crucial to note that it is not the entire relationship. Sex-based relationships get old quickly. Also, sex is something that can be withheld as a method of altering behavior. Those who stray down the wrong path often are trained in this manner. It strikes at the very core of each person.

My view is that BDSM is something that goes contrary to what society promotes. There is a standard which is agreed upon and any deviation from that is considered "perverted". I can only presume this is the way it always was. However, we who are in this lifestyle believe that we are free to choose how we live. Diverse sexual interests is something that many of us have and we do not apologize for it. The wish to fulfill our desires is something that we do not subdue. That is part of the freedom we experience.

If sex is important to you, make it a part of your BDSM experience. There is no reason why you have to contour to the standard norm which is offered by the vanilla world. The sad part is that deep down, they secretly envy us because of the freedom we enjoy.

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Fearing a Master

Fear is a powerful weapon. A study of history shows that many people and institutions use fear as a form of control. Many believe this is what religion does to ensure the obedience of it's followers. What better way to manipulate behavior then to threaten eternal damnation. At the same time, Stalin and other leaders use the threat of beatings or death to maintain control over entire countries. When the fear is great enough, people will do just about anything they are told.

Fear is something that is within each person. We all experience on a regular basis. There is not a single person walking the planet who doesn't feel this emotion. Those who claim to have no fear are usually the ones who are scared the most. They allow their ego to hide what is really inside of them.

In the BDSM world, many believe that fear is a tactic which should be employed with a sub/slave. This is incorrect in my estimation. Any relationship that is based upon fear will end.

This concept gets increased the further along one proceeds in the BDSM way of life. Those who are involved in M/s know how easy it is to turn one's submission into a fear-based existence. Some think that it is their place to instill fear in the one submitting. This shows a lack of character and control on the part of the Dom/Master. A sub/slave need not be afraid for her to be effective.

I wrote about this subject in my book An Owned Life. Those who use fear as a method of control show their inability to properly maintain a relationship. The problem with fear is that it requires some type of physical presence to be most effective. When the person who is feared leaves, the fear will diminish. This creates the situation where one is always looking for a means of escape. While I will grant this could take a long time, eventually it will happen. We see this in the traditional world where abuse occurs. At some point, the person will find a way out.

In addition, a fear-based relationship is not very healthy. In BDSM, there are certain things for a sub/slave to fear. Punishments for inappropriate action is an example. However, often the anticipation is worse than the activity. Also, a punishment is undertaken not to scare but, rather, to alter future behavior. It is no different then disciplining a child. You want the child to fear the punishment, not the parent.

BDSM is a wonderful way of life for those who take the time to learn what it is all about. The need to fulfill an inner desire is within all of us. Speaking from a Dom/Master perspective, the thrist for control is not met by instilling fear in another. To me, this is being a bully. A much better approach is the power which is derived from her complete and total submission. This is a power that is more enduring then fear. It is derived from her desire to serve as opposed from her fear of being hurt.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are tempting to try to intimidate another. It will often backfire on you.

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June 26, 2009


I write often about questioning your choice to adopt this way of life. I believe that it is best for people to look at the decisions they make even before they make them. Too many seem to believe what they experience online is reality. This was shown to be a conclusion which causes a great deal of heartache.

Today I am going to take the opposite approach. There is a time to stop thinking and begin taking action. Many will try to dwell upon a situation when confronted with a decision. This is avoidance. In life we must all move forward at times. However, because we lack a crystal ball, there is uncertainty with our decisions.

This concept applies not only to BDSM, D/s, or M/s. It is a fact of life. No matter what you are deciding, presuming it is of great importance, you are going to be apprehensive. Consider the choice of college to attend. Or the first house you bought. Or some cars which you purchased. When signing the paperwork, there is a feeling within you of "am I making a mistake".

The truth is that we are going to experience uncertainty in life. There are times when we must proceed despite being nervous. Nobody can know what the right choice in 100% of the time. That is where faith, trust, or intuition come in. We take the facts as they are presented, weigh the pros and cons, and make a choice.

When looking at entering this lifestyle, there are many questions one is confronted with. However, this is no different then those who get "cold feet" on their wedding day. People who experience this feel an uncertainty about the "lifelong" decision they are about to make. Yet most move forward in spite of this feeling and get married. Sometimes, one just needs to move forward in spite of the feelings.

There is no such thing as complete certainty. Uncertainty is a result of decisions since that is it's nature. We never know how a decision will turn out. Even the most educated of guesses can turn out wrong. That is okay. We learn the lesson and progress forward.

If you have done all the research you can and have an understanding what you are getting into, then it is time to take action. Ultimately life is lived in the present. Analysis, research, and opinion seeking are future focus activities. Even if we are uncertain, we must eventually take the leap. If we do not, this lifestyle will continue to allude us.

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June 25, 2009

Absolute M/s

As many of you are aware, the exchange of power is at the core of the Master/slave relationship. Also know as TPE (total power exchange), a slave turns all control over to his/her Master/Mistress. It is a basic idea; all decisions, power, control, and authority are in the hands of One. The other is to follow.

It seems there might be degrees of control which are handed over. As I travel around talking with others, there seems to be some misconception of what M/s is all about. This gets really hairy when I read different posts on the Internet. I believe many of these people are confused as to what is submissive versus being dominant.

For this reason, I outlined in my book, An Owned Life, a premise I call Absolute M/s. For many, this is the only true M/s relationship. This is where softcore exits and extreme enters. This is a lifestyle for only the strongest of submissives. Many enter to find they are not cut out for such an absolute way of life.

Again, the premise of control (or power) is completely in the hands of the Master. This is something which is indisputable. All decisions are his to make without exception. Of course, he might allow a slave to have the power to make decisions over certain areas of life. However, he is the one to authorize that. She can do nothing without his approval. Straying from this concept is worthy of punishment.

Many find it devastating to realize that he has the power to ignore a slave. As my regular readers know, I believe this is one of the most powerful punishment techniques available to a Master. Nevertheless, a Master is free to choose with whom and where he spends his time. If he decides he wants to hang with the guys 6 nights a week, so be it. Or if he wants to have another that he focuses upon, it is a slave's duty to be ready when he returns to her. In essence, her position is to be there for him when he wants/needs her. Anything else is only because he grants it.

A slave gives her mind, body, and soul to her Master in this type of relationship. It is termed "absolute" since there is nothing left to dispute. It is a breakdown of power where 100% is in his hands. Any attempt by her to exert influence is manipulative and deserving of punishment.

I often write that there is a wide door in the BDSM world. The same holds true for M/s. Many will structure their relationships in ways they see fit. There is nothing wrong with this approach. Yet it is important to note that many of those deemed M/s are really D/s relationships. Under this scenario, the sub has more of a say in what occurs. The breakdown of power is less absolute.

So what do you want? If you are one who wants the extreme state that an absolute M/s relationship offers, then go for it. The only suggestion is to be prepared to cede all notions of a romantic lifestyle. Many can tell you this way of life is lonely and wrought with a lot of inner turmoil. So be prepared.

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June 24, 2009

5 Tips for Safe Wax Play

here are some safety tips for making the most out of your wax play experience. Follow these to enhance the pleasure while reducing the risk of injury.

1. Use a plain white candle

Many people are allergic to the perfumes and dyes in colored/scented candles. Avoid this by purchasing white unscented candles.

2. Cheap is better

More expensive candles burn at hotter temperatures. We are seeking pleasure not burns. The candles that are available at your local Dollar Store burn at a level that will cause him/her to feel it without causing injury.

3. Hold the candle about a foot away from the sub's body.

Wax cools as it falls from the candle. Holding the candle about a foot above the intended target will allow the cooling process to occur. Again, this will avoid injury to the sensitive areas.

4. Wax external areas only.

It would seem like common sense but must be mentioned. Never place wax on the eyes, mouth, nostrils, or anywhere else where it can penetrate the body. Safety is the top priority and we do not want to impede one's breathing in any way.

5. Always have water or a fire extinguisher available

Many see this as excessive but when playing, especially on a bed, there is a lot that is flammable. Take the necessary steps to ensure that something tragic does not result from a scene that goes awry.

Enjoy your BDSM experience to the fullest.

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June 22, 2009

Parenting Skills Help

I freely admit that I will never win the parent of the year award. When it comes to being a father, I am adequate at best. When my daughter was born I made a choice which affects our relationship to this day. Over the last 7 years, things got a lot better. However, they will never be mistaken for the typical father-daughter relationship. I freely accept the situation since it is due to choices I made.

Fortunately I get a second chance at honing my parenting skills since dealing with subs/slaves often resembles dealing with children. Slaves have the ability create a mess over the dumbest shit. Sometimes a Dom/Master wants to throw up his hands and say "screw it".

The situation is magnified when you are involved in poly (although it truly becomes multi-slave). Most slaves cannot get along with each other. They are like children in the sandbox fighting over the pail. You should hear the whining when they don't get their way.

Those who read my posts know that I prefer the positive approach to this lifestyle. Slaves should be given responsibility to lighten the load on a Master. However, when they behave like children, an approach that resembles a child ought to be undertaken.

We need to bear in mind that some simply do not belong in the lifestyle. They want to claim they are submissive yet their actions seem to resemble a dominant role. (My post about a slave who decided when she and her Master had sex comes to mind.) They are seeking to fill something within themselves which M/s will not. A lack of esteem is never a reason to get involved in this way of life. Neither is loneliness. At the end of the day, your character flaws will doom the relationship.

Anyway, back to the children (slaves). Sometimes you just need to let them sulk. It reminds me of when my sister would throw a tantrum in the supermarket if she was told no to something. She would lay in the middle of the aisle screaming at the top of her lungs. My mom would just continue shopping knowing sooner or later she would realize she was alone. Then the terror of being abandoned set in. At that point, my sister forgot whatever she was refused. Her main concern became being reunited with my mother and feeling the safety that brings.

Similarly, a slave often needs to pitch a fit. They do that. Let them go. In my book, An Owned Life, I talk about different punishments. When in a situation like this, there are a few possibilities. The first is always release. Some will have to be let go. The other is to ignore them for a while. There is not a slave in the world who can handled being 100% ignored by her Master for 72 or 96 hours. I find that is the most powerful punishment a Master can give.

In poly, there is often a fight for a Master's time. A little shift in focus helps to put it all in perspective for a slave. When one is squabbling about a lack of time with the Master, remove whatever time she was given. If she is complaining about a lack of sex, remove all physical contact. When there is something she doesn't like that she was given, remove all that she has. This will remind her that her place is at the bequest of her Master. TPE is complete.

I understand this sounds harsh and demeaning. In some ways it is. However, I feel an obligation to warn/remind potential Masters of what really exists. Many feel that things will change when things move from online to real time. Certainly they do. However, the same childish behavior witnessed in the chat rooms will exist in person. The anonymity of the Internet allows them to change certain aspects of themselves. Nevertheless, it is impossible to hide one's true personality. Fear is a powerful motivator that controls the lives of most.

Understand that dealing with owned ones is like dealing with children. The quicker one realizes this, the better. There are times when maturity is at the core of the relationship. However, many times you will be reminded of the 5 year old in the sandbox. Do not be discouraged. It is not you. Some just have to behave in that manner. My suggestion is disappear for a while. Let her really know what it is like for you to turn your back. Most times, this will serve as the wake up call that is needed.

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June 18, 2009


Some are dominant. Some are submissive. Some are both. This is my experience although it tends to create some controversy. People who switch back and forth between dominant and submissive seem to be looked down upon by many in the lifestyle. This is a sad fact which I fail to understand.

I met many who like to "play both sides". I would guess the most common switch is a bisexual woman who prefers to submit to men while dominating women. This seems to fulfill both inner desires while dealing with different types of people.

However, I have also met those who can fluctuate back and forth with the same sex. They truly are switches. I presume they follow their inclinations based upon their present moment desires. It must be like choosing fish or steak depending upon your mood.

Please bear in mind that I am only speaking based upon those I met. I am not a switch in any manner. My leanings are towards domination. Also, I would surmise that most lean heavily towards one extreme or another. My estimation is that people who switch are in the minority. It is a relatively low number statistically speaking.

There is no reason to believe that people who switch are any less worthy of this lifestyle. I am astounded at the belligerence many show, especially when online. It is as if their form of BDSM is the only proper avenue. What a crock of crap. BDSM is a personal experience where each is free to develop a method which works for them. Those who feel there is only one way for people to live are as obtuse as those in the traditional world who degrade our choices.

The important factor to me is that people follow their inner desires. As William Shakespeare said, "to thy own self be true".

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June 17, 2009

The Personality Issue

I cannot say it any clearer than this: more conflicts seem to arise out of personalities what for any other reason. Personalities often clash unexpectedly. Whenever things are traveling along smoothly and they abruptly change, it is often the result of a quirk in personality. Therefore, maybe it is important for us to understand how crucial this component is in our decision-making.

As the regular readers know, I am involved with many people simultaneously. Sometimes I am into poly relationships while, others, are multi-person. The difference between the two seems to be how all interact with each other. The barometer tends to be the personality clashes (or lack of) that exist.

Many seek to get involved with a Master or Dom without thinking of the consequences. The reverse is also true when One is seeking someone to have submit. It appears that anyone will do who is willing to move forward. Sadly, this is where the death of the relationship starts. In effect, it is doomed before it began.

Personality conflicts enter all areas of our lives. We have them with families, co-workers, and employers. We also will have them in our personal relationships if we are not careful. The traditional world does a good job training people to fit those with whom they are compatible with. Yet we fail to promote this same ideal within this alternative lifestyle. It appears the only qualification is to unite a dominant type with a submissive type. As long as both of those are met, there is a match.

This is where the trainwrecks come from. Sex is a wonderful part of life (and this lifestyle). However, as most know, relationships need to move past that if they are ever to last. Sad but true. The ones that are forced together without much thought of how each personality will interact end up in destruction.

How do you get past this? As Master who interacts with many at the same time, I understand the concept of matching personalities the best I can. Even with a mind towards it, there are times when mistakes are made. Sometimes the best method is to keep people separated from each other. I find this alleviates some of the strain as a result of the personality conflicts. This is where poly moves into the multi-person realm.

Some people simply do not get along. There are clashes of their personalities which cannot be overcome. This is true for both subs/slaves as well as for Doms/Masters. I personally had a situation at a sex gathering where there was one woman who so turned me off with her snotty personality that I would have thrown her through a window before fucking her. She was stunning to look at but lost it all when she opened her mouth (and not to suck a cock either). Basically, her and I would never get along no matter how long we interacted.

Whenever you are looking to get with someone new, look at their personality to see if it is something that is accommodating to you. Do this before you submit to a Dom/Master. Before bringing another into the mix, see how she will interact with the others who are already there. Of course there is no guarantee for success. Nevertheless, the awareness might increase your chances.

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June 16, 2009

The Online Illusion

I wrote a great deal in the past about the differences between real time and online. There was extensive differences mentioned in my book, An Owned Life. Many seem to believe that what they read about and see in pictures online is what this lifestyle is all about. Sadly, they are shocked to realize this is not the case. Reality offers a much different view.

The easiest analogy I can come up with is to compare this lifestyle to marriage. Many have the "Prince Charming" idea of the state of matrimony. From the time of being small, girls are conditioned to think of their wedding day. It is something of fantasy and excitement. I am sure the mind drifts to the wonderful life that two will share after the ceremony. In short, it is a heavenly experience that will last until death.

Okay, my question is how many people experience anything close to this? With more than half the marriages ending in divorce, I would guess that fewer than 10% of the people even get close to this ideal. At the same time, those who have wonderful marriages realize that life still occurs. They face the everyday problems that all others are confronted with. The fairy tale is replaced with a solid understanding of the regular challenges of life.

Unfortunately, few make this same distinction to this lifestyle. Regardless of the alternative lifestyle selected, life still happens. D/s and M/s people face the same challenges. So do swingers, BDSMers, and homosexuals. Regardless of the life you choose to lead, there is no escaping reality.

Online is not reality. This is true no matter what the circumstances are. Many suffer from the illusion that the people in chatrooms, as an example, are real. The truth is they are usernames on a screen. Their persona is a creation which might or might not be accurate. The anonymity of the Internet allows for misrepresentation.

The online illusion is bought into on a daily basis. So many enter chatrooms and sites believing their interaction with another is real. This is not the case unless there is something done to take the relationship to the next level. I feel online is a wonderful way to "meet" people although it is fantasy unless there is some other interaction. People are often surprised when I initially ask if they are willing to meet at some point. If one is not willing to meet in person, what is the point of even chatting. The relationship will never move from online to real time in that instance.

Life in the real world is vastly different than the fantasy played out online. Few have dungeons in their house to be able to offer the complete BDSM scene. Life is not 24 hours a day of play and interaction. Subs/slaves are distraught to find they are not the main focus of a Dom/Master. Sometimes football takes preference whether it is a husband or a Dom. In other words, life happens.

Bear this in mind when you are tempted to believe what you are experiencing online is real. While there is a relationship when interacting in this manner, there is also a large portion of reality missing. The shift from online to real time is bigger than many imagine.

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June 15, 2009

Gratitude For What Is Given

It is no secret that the D/s and M/s relationships are ones where the equality is not part of the equation. People seem to grasp the concept in theory yet put up a fight when this occurs in reality. The truth is that a total exchange of power in a real time relationship means that expectations are basically meaningless. If a sub/slave chooses to hold onto them, she might be devastated.

The fact is that one should be grateful for what is granted. Failure to do so might result in whatever is offered being removed. There are many times where the best punishment is the removal of interaction with a Dom/Master.

When there is more than one involved, the situation gets multiplied. Many seem to believe it is up to them to dictate how much time/attention/gifts (etc...) they are given by a Dom/master. At the same time, they feel there should be some type of equality amongst the "family". To both of these I say "wrong".

If one truly wants to live the life of submission, these are thoughts which are outside the bounds of this way of life. There is nothing wrong with living a life of equality except when you seek it in the D/s or M/s realm. This is not a life of equals. In fact, it is the exact opposite. TPE produces complete inequality.

So how does one counter the feelings of wanting more. Simple. Be grateful for what is given to you. When a Dom/Master provides you with something, take it as a gift. Whether it is his time, attention, or permission to cum, hold it as something of value. Be grateful that he gave you that much. Failure to do so might result in that being removed.

Of late, I wrote about the more basic, cold facts of the lifestyle. The reason I do this is to alert everyone to the realities of this way of life. M/s and D/s are not for those who are insecure. Submission doesn't make someone weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes incredible strength and courage to submit. However, once done, do not think your life will suddenly become a bed of roses. Life can be cruel and the TPE world reflects that.

Gratitude is a way to find happiness in any lifestyle. I feel the more extreme the lifestyle, the more it is necessary. Start immediately appreciating whatever it is that your Dom/Master gives you instead of focusing upon that which you do not get. It will make your life more worthwhile.

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June 14, 2009

Ruining One's Plans

A slave is there to serve her Master. It is her job to make his life easier. She is there to support him in whatever he wants to accomplish. Her position is determined by him in whatever capacity he sees her fulfilling. This is the essence of the lifestyle.

I have witnessed (an experienced) a complete ruining of plans because of a slave. There were times when she decided something else was more important. Or because of personal issues she decided to act in a way that totally changed what was occurring. Either way this is inappropriate behavior.

A slave's place is to serve. Her wishes and desires are placed secondary to her Masters. While she might claim to think of her Master's wants, often people are thinking of themselves.

I am still amazed that some believe they are acting properly when they are requesting or expressing their desires. While a Master might open this forum up to a slave, there is a line which is easily crossed. Causing a Master upset and anger is not what serving is all about. It is showing the fear, self-centeredness, and misfocus on the part of her.

Disappointment is a fact in the lifestyle. Masters are a whimsical bunch who will operate from a different perspective. The quicker a slave realizes her place, the easier it is for all involved.

Disobedience on the part of a slave should never be tolerated. A slave who defies her Master deserves harsh treatment to correct her action. At the same time, a slave who acts up because she wants something is behaving in a manner that merits equal punishment. It is not a slave's place to attempt to "control from the bottom". This goes against the very notion of service.

A slave can ruin many plans for a Master. Since she is often not privy to his ideas, this can occur in ways she is not even aware of. Her place is to wait until her Master reveals to her what his thoughts are. Not the other way around.

Manipulation is a dangerous game to play. I understand that a slave will often not realize this is what she is doing. However, many times I watched a slave try to make a Master feel guilty about something he is doing (or not doing). Guilt of one of the oldest manipulation tools there is. Knowingly or unknowingly, a slave will fall into the habit of using this technique to get what she wants.

Service is a slave's place. Her position is one of obedience. Many cannot extreme power breakdown this life creates. Instead, they wish it otherwise while trying to make it that way. Daily reflection upon your actions is helpful. Acting in ways that ruin a Master's plans will cause heartache on all fronts.

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June 11, 2009

A Slave Is A Slave

What is a slave's place? Where does she belong in the grand realm of M/s? The simple truth is that a slave gets all from her Master. If one is truly committed to living M/s, it is crucial to understand this basic premise.

M/s is all about the exchange of power. It is the fundamental tenet of this way of life. The power breakdown is what makes M/s different from the traditional forms of relationships. In fact, with such complete exchange of power, M/s differs greatly from D/s. A sub has the option of retaining some of her rights.

I wrote often that I honestly believe few are cut out for M/s. I see many, especially online, claim to be slaves. At the same time, I see some of these same people writing blogs "informing" others what life as a slave is all about. Sadly, this is misleading since they no more qualify as slaves than I do.

At the core of the M/s relationship is the total exchange of power. It is absolute, complete, and final. This is not something that is subject to interpretation. A slave gives all her power over to her Master. Any power retained by her (or him in Domme/Slave) is granted by the Master. It is that simple. What he says goes.

Unfortunately, many agree to this when online yet encounter problems when they enter real time. Understand how complete the exchange of power is if you want to live in this manner. Your opinions, thoughts, actions, and time are not your own. Like you, they are property of your Master. It all is his.

I see so many who behave in ways which causes their Master grief. Is this a slave's place? Certainly not. A slave is to make her Master's life easier, not more difficult. It is her place to available to him when he decides he wants her. Not the other way around. I recently read about a slave initiating sex with her Master. She claimed to have jumped him when he came through the door. I will tell you that if that were a Gorean relationship, her punishment would be severe.

It is time that many got off the romantic notion about M/s. It is not the cure all to compensate for unhappiness in the traditional world. Looking for a "fairy tale" life with a Master not going to happen. We can be an irritable, cold, and demeaning lot. Life as a slave is not all roses. You are into a full time service position if your Master wants you to do that. Therefore, waiting until called is your place.

This is vastly different from the images shown online. The Internet spreads a view of this life that is not true in most cases. M/s can be sexless, emotionless, lonely, and saddening. Those are the facts. That doesn't mean that it cannot be fun, exciting, and erotic. It is that also at times. However, the choice is solely in the hands of the Master.

Slaves like to use their little tricks to get their way. Some of these are overt while others are subtle. The bottom line is a slave will often try to sabotage things because of fear. While this is understandable, it is completely inappropriate. A slave should never do anything to sabotage anything (or anyone) her Master is interested in.

The most important thing to remember is that it is not about a slave's wishes. If a Master considers them, that is his choice. He is under no obligation to do so and to expect that is going back on the intention you had when you submitted. That is why you are a slave. If this is too much for you, enter into a D/s relationship where there is a bit more power.

A slave is a slave. Know your place. Trying to continually get your way is not what the lifestyle is about. Drop the antics of trying to guilt, manipulate, or lie your way into what you want. M/s is about service. None of these character traits enhance one's servitude to her Master. They only help to move her to get what she wants which might be in opposition to her Master's wishes. In the end, even the most patient Masters will see through this.

I write this with the intention of helping people open their eyes to this way of life. A true Master will look after his slave(s) to ensure their safety and peace. He will also do many things to foster their happiness. None of this is out of the realm of normal M/s relationships. However, there are times when a Master makes choices that are in direct opposition to what a slave wants. It is at this point that a slave needs to remember her place and that she is under her Master control. M/s is for the extreme but for those who can handle it, it is a fabulous way of life.

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June 10, 2009

The Sex Shop vs Hardware Store

Last week I took a trip into one of our local sex shops and was astounded at the price of BDSM accessories/equipment. While I knew things were expensive at the retail level, even I was not braced for the sticker shock I experienced. Quite simply, the sex shop reduces BDSM only to the most affluent. People would rather pay their rent then spend hundreds of dollars on BDSM toys.

Fortunately, the visit was after I went to our local Home Depot. As regular readers here know, I am a fan designing and building my own BDSM equipment. Quite simply, a little skill goes a long way in developing furniture and other accessories while saving vasts amounts of money. I believe in being a frugal BDSMers.

When you look at the price of things such as cuffs, you can easily spend $100 on a decent pair. These items will certainly enhance the BDSM scene. However, it is something that is out of the price range of many people, especially those who are new. Therefore, I developed restraints with some ingenuity, bungee cords, and a metal "D" clip. I can bind a subs hands with two bungee cords and join them together with the "D" clip. The total cost on this system was less than $5.

The next time you visit the sex shop, use the trip as a fact finding tour. Notice what you like and then follow it up with a trip to the hardware store. You will be amazed how many ideas you have when walking around of how to create substitute products for a fraction of the cost. The bottom line is a sub will not care what is being used to bind her during a scene. After all, we are after the effect.

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June 9, 2009

A Different Perspective

The other day I wrote a post, How Committed Are You. It talked about the importance of being willing to accept all the repercussions that one might get from family and friends. Sadly, they often do not understand the choices we make. They tell us they want what is best for us yet typically only when it is in agreement with their view of life. This creates a conflict while instilling fear through their ignorance.

Here is an email I got from a slave who experienced some of what I mentioned. Please read her words and digest the emotions that she feels.

Having read your post, I felt that I had to write and tell you about my experiences with regard to what you have said.

I lived, or rather existed in a life that was empty, I knew what I was but circumstances and life events had meant that I had to go about my life and be unfulfilled. I got talking to a Master on the internet, what he was telling me and showing me made me realise that I deserved more than I was getting, I deserved t be happy and start living again.

The cost of that happiness has come with a price though, I have been disowned by my family and friends as they really cannot understand that this is something I have to do for me, and especially as I am submissive and living with my Master. They seem to think I am abandoning them to be with another man, this is far from the truth, if I could I would have the best of both worlds, my Master and my family but that is not to be and so I had to make a choice and that was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The worst thing for me and for my Master is the feelings that I have to cope with, the questioning of myself and whether I am being selfish in wanting to live and be happy. But at the end of the day I know that I am where I need to be and with who I need to be with. Hopefully my family will one day forgive me and know that I will never stop loving them and I hope that they will always know that I am here for them if they need me.

When faced with a choice like this, a life changing decision, there really is no easy way, all I can say is you need a strong Master to support you and a lot of courage to follow it through. Sometimes it seems so easy to say something, but at the same time it takes faith, trust and courage to follow your heart and dreams, and ride out the storms that will follow. You need the belief that one day your family will come to understand why you made the choices you made and they accept them and you once more. If they don’t then you need to learn to accept that as well, after all you only have one life and there is a big difference between existence and living.

There is a big difference between the romantic fantasy people carry and the painful reality. Our choices have consequences. It is important to understand this before getting into a situation that is irreversible.

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June 8, 2009

Are You Ready To Convert

We often talk about the different depths that people can go to when entering this lifestyle. For those who prefer something a bit lighter, there is the D/s relationship. At the same time, M/s the preferred avenue for those who like to take the commitment to a deeper level. Again, the BDSM world is wide and varied with enough room for everyone.

Today, I would like to focus on the M/s relationship. This is a lifestyle which results in the total exchange of power. It is an absolute way to live. The submission is complete extending to every area that the Master so chooses. Some give slaves decision-making ability over things such as kids or careers. However, others do not. This is an individual choice of each Master.

This brings up the question of what length you are willing to go when you submit to another? Are you willing to change you entire life to suit the desires of your Master? There is a lot to consider when looking at this option. For example, are you willing to give up your political views if they oppose Master's? How about your beloved sports team when your Master roots for the archenemy? If you are to truly live in the M/s world, all choices conceivably are removed. Master is in charge of it all.

I see so many claim to be slaves only to witness them behave in a manner that looks domineering. A true slave knows her (or his) place. The idea of denying a request is foreign to her. The primary purpose of a slave is obedience. She is there to fulfill the desires of her Master. It is that simple. Her desires are only relevant if the Master thinks they are.

Is this an extreme way to live? Absolutely it is. That is why I believe there are very few who are cut out to exist in a 24/7 M/s relationship. Most want the comfort that comes from submitting yet want to hang onto the idea of independence. Well, one cannot have it both ways. You either are in control or you are not. M/s is an absolute lifestyle. The exchange of power is total and complete.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mention how entering into this realm with wide open eyes is crucial. Many get involved only to awaken to the fact that what is spoken here is real. Too often people operate under the premise that online is real. Sadly, it is not. The ability to say "no" is lessened when you are in the presence of your Master. Online he might issue a punishment that you might adhere to; or you might not. In real time, the paddle could be close at hand and there is no option other than receiving your punishment. This is the reality that true slaves live under.

If M/s if what you truly desire, I can only say go for it. However, try to sort through any disillusions you have about it being a "romantic" way of life. Often there are bouts of loneliness, frustration, and sacrifice. It is something that only for a certain type of person. Are you one of them? That is the question.

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June 6, 2009

How Committed Are You?

Many have the luxury of drifting in and out of this lifestyle. There are some who can call up a Dom whenever the urge hits to go "play". Others, while making a more concerted decision, such as being a slave, are able to move back to traditional when the mood fits this. This was the case with me for years.

I had a stirring within me that drew me to this particular way of life. However, because of the conditioning of society, I was not able to totally commit myself. In my book, An Owned Life, I refer to the power that this has over us. Hearing the same message repeatedly since we were young makes us believe that is the only possibility for life. The truth is the number of different lifestyles are too numerous to mention.

Nevertheless, since I was single without being a custodial parent, I was afforded the opportunity to drift between this way of life and the traditional. Each time I met the girl who I believed was the "one", I bolted back to the vanilla world. As you can guess, that always ended up in a train wreck. The point being, the decision solely affected me and I was the only one to suffer the consequences.

I wish I could say this is the common avenue taken. Sadly, many give up a great deal more in their pursuit of happiness. My belief is that people who are drawn to this lifestyle do so because of an inner desire that is natural to them. I mention some of this in my book. There are many other people who can be affected while not understanding the choices we make. In return, they can act in ways which are extremely unkind.

This lifestyle is about freedom. Many people will talk about this virtue yet few experience. They fail to realize just how enslaved they really are. Everything from the acting out based upon the beliefs of others to doing a job that one hates to pay off creditors shows just how little people really have. The truth is that it takes a great deal of courage to choose to be free. And, when making this choice, there is a risk of alienation by others.

So, the process starts with deciding "how committed are you"? Are you willing to experience the backlash that can often come from those we love the most? Family members are the people who are closest to us yet they cause the most pain. They tend to believe that everything is done "to them". This causes them to miss the fact that people need to choose to live life as they see fit. Again, I feel much of the negative response comes from the fact they do not have the courage themselves to live as they want. Therefore, a backlash is inevitable.

Every choice has consequences. Are you willing to endure some of the negative ones you might encounter? There is a great risk that you might alienate friends or family (or they do this to you). It is best to consider this possibility when looking at this way of life. Enter it with your eyes as wide open as possible.

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June 5, 2009

The Reward Bag

Here is a simple game that can be played with a sub/slave at anytime. It is something that keeps things exciting especially with an active imagination. It all starts with a bag (or a box) where you can write down certain rewards. These are activities that you know she loves and wants you to do to her. Put them all on separate strips of paper and place in the bag.

Now, whenever you sub/slave earns a "treat", have her reach into the bag and pull out the secret reward. Since they are all things she likes, her pleasure is guaranteed. Of course, there are different degrees of pleasure gained. Therefore, knowing that some other more pleasurable activities are in there, she might experience a bit of disappointment.

The reward bag is a simple way to keep things fun and exciting. BDSM is about control and do not necessarily have to be extreme. Something as basic as this concept can be a fundamental part of your BDSM interaction.

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June 4, 2009

Paddling and Spanking

This is one of the most basic activities in BDSM yet it is often overlooked. For something so simple, it is an easy way to get into the lifestyle. I am constantly amazed at the number of couples who miss this fundamental practice. Images of suspension, extreme bondage and dungeon scenes fill their minds. They equate this to being what BDSM is all about.

A nice spanking is something that many people enjoy. In fact, there are few submissive types who do not like this practice. This is enhanced if one is being done doggie style. I found that a sub loves having a hard cock in her pussy while being spanked. It is a perfect compliment to the natural dominance of the sex act. He gives, she receives.

This simple concept can be taken one step further by using an implement to enhance the pleasure. Some have difficulty taking a hard paddling so caution is warranted here. I would suggest whenever trying something new with your partner (or dealing with someone new) use a safe word. This tells the other to stop whenever this word is uttered. Also, use her response as a guage to her level of acceptance.

Again, there is no need to go out and spend lots of money on paddles, floggers, and riding crops. Some of the best items are in your house at this moment. Two that I find preferable are the spatula and hairbrush. Both items are in every home and can inflict a nice sting when applied to the ass. The added benefit for me is that I forego the pain in my hand from spanking.

BDSM can be simple and fun. It takes just a little imagination to be effective. Spanking and paddling is something that we are all familiar with-well at least those of us old enough before the "experts" thought children ought not be spanked (mine definitely didnt fall into this category). We know the sting that comes from a hand or some other item meeting our ass. Provide this pleasure to those who truly enjoy it. It will make your experience that much happier.

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June 3, 2009

Growth Versus Smothering

There are many different ways to deal with subs/slaves. I would surmise that this is an individual as it comes. Personal preference of a Dom/Master comes into play in the way He interacts with those under His domain. Nevertheless, I found there are basically two different approaches people can take.

The first is what I call smothering. This is where one is ruled with an "iron fist". She is not permitted any room to grow or breathe. All responsibility is removed from her. Thinking is not part of the deal. It is fairly common for a person in this position to get belittled excessively. In effect, her spirit is broken.

Another approach commonly used is foster an atmosphere of growth. A sub/slave can be shown different things and learn to adapt to please. Responsibility can be heaped upon a person in this scenario as long as she learns what her Dom/Master is truly seeking. For example, I do not want to be bothered with any decisions regarding the household. That is too tedious for me. Therefore, I delegate that to one to handle on my behalf. Periodically I will inspect to make sure everything is as it needs to be. Other than that, it is her realm.

Personally I prefer the second method. The first I find is common among those who are fearful. Newer people tend to gravitate towards this method out of ignorance. They believe the concept of dominating is to beat up one. Nothing could be further than the truth.

The power I wield over my subs/slaves exists even when I am not present. In my book, An Owned Life, I referred to those who dominate out of fear. The problem with using the first method is that the power dwindles as One physically leaves. In other words, He needs to be present.

When I utilize the concept of responsibility, I have a sub/slave's desire to fulfill my wishes. This is something that is a lot more powerful than the threat of punishment. Her fear of disappointing me propels her into action. Because she is able to handle more responsibility, I can leave certain activities to her with the belief they will be accomplished. Failure to complete the task will rarely be from a lack of effort. Usually it is because of a circumstance beyond her control.

In the end, a Dom/Master is going to use methods that are personal to Him. However, I feel that most people will fall into one of the two categories. It is helpful to recognize them when interacting with another.

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A Typical Multi Relationship

This seems to be the common way poly situations end up.

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June 2, 2009

No Win Situation

The last few posts have dealt with poly/multiple slave situations. I will conclude this focus with one last thought on this particular topic: there are going to be no- win situations. The truth is that there are times when someone is going to be upset no matter what You try. In the end, failure might be unavoidable.

In poly/multiple sub arrangements, there is a matter of perspective to take into account. People naturally see things from through their own eyes. A Dom/Master needs to be mindful of this when interacting with them. An individual's perspective will do more to sabotage an arrangement then any other single issue. It is at the core of all that occurs.

People will compare; this is another natural trait among us humans. We see this in children when they want the same thing as a sibling. Place more attention, love, or toys on one, and the other will throw a fit. Not much is different in this arena. People will judge what they receive as compared to another. It happens every time, so prepare for it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the same issue from two different people on the same day. How can that be? Simple. They each are looking at things from their slanted perspective. One feels that she is being left out since my focus is on the other person. While there might be some basis, this concept is shattered when the other one brings up the identical issue. It is the constant "you two and me out here" battle. This is where One is in a no-win situation. Each is complaining that the other is receiving attention at her expense. Two opposing perspectives arriving at the same conclusion. It seems that unless both are ignored, someone has to be off with her outlook.

What is at work is the self confidence each has. People's self esteem is reflected at moments likes these. Those who feel their standing is in jeopardy will cling to the hope that more attention will be lavished upon them. Again, this is a natural move for someone in this place. It is quite understandable when someone new is entering the picture. Each party is uncertain of the other and how He will interact with each of them. Even the best of sub/slaves will fall victim to this.

For poly to work, there cannot be a fracturing of the parties. Unfortunately, even a physical bringing together will not alleviate what I just mentioned. Success in this forum requires a mental outlook that it is "us" as opposed to "me-them". Each person needs to think of the total sum. This is where the concept of "family" arises. However, it is extremely difficult when one or more are looking at it with a divisive mind. And, it puts One in a -no-win situation.

Success in this type of arrangement comes down to trust. A sub/slave needs to trust in her position with her Dom/Master. Without this, she will fall prey to these insecure feelings. This will create an adversarial position taken against anyone new. New people do not have the luxury of having trust in the Dom/Master. She needs to be coaxed into understanding that her position is also safe with Him. This will not occur when she is being challenged by another. In the end, failure will result and people will be hurt.

As a Master, there is no more humbling feeling than to be in this no-win situation. My experience is that the best course of action to take is to let them work it out. There is nothing that One can do to solve this problem. All the reassurance in the world will only result in another blowup somewhere down the road. My belief is a change in mindset needs to occur and until one (or both) take the initiative to adopt this outlook, success will be elusive. Sadly, the next step is usually that someone looks for new living arrangements. In the end, some people simply cannot get along. Your life will be easier if you understand this going in.

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Poly: Get Past The Sex

If you want to be the envy of all the guys around the water cooler at the office, just get into a poly relationship and you will be everyone's idol. When it comes to men, there is something biological about wanting to be with two women. It seems this is the fantasy that every guy has since he hit puberty. Those who live (read: have sex) with two women move into the upper sphere of sexual dominance.

The same mindset exists in D/s and M/s relationships. Many new people get involved with the idea of "owning" multiple subs. They salivate at the idea of having multiple women do anything they want them to do. Again, this is every guys dream. However, they fail to look at the situation from the wider perspective.

I often write on here that most BDSM, D/s, and M/s relationships need to get past the sex. Domination in many instances extends past the bedroom. At the same time, one also needs to look past the sex to truly understand what poly is all about. The surface level nirvana is quickly replaced with reality.

So you think dominating multiple women is a heavenly way to live? On one hand it is. However, you must factor in the idea that there are a lot of situations that you will be confronted with. And, all of these are wrought with trouble. Living a poly lifestyle is a constant balancing act. Even when the exchange of power is complete as it is in M/s, One needs to take care that all are happy. It is a constant struggle which rarely can be met. It takes a certain type of person to live this way of life and, sadly, most are not cut out for it.

Here is a little exercise you can do to consider some of what poly is really about. Think of all the problems you had in traditional relationships. Once you have that in your mind, TRIPLE IT!!! That is right. Being involved with two people creates three times as many problems. There are the issues that arise between the male and each of the females and, then, all the incidents between the two women (the reverse is also true for a MMF situation). All told, problems increase exponentially.

Did you ever hear "I am on my period"? Now there are two of them to deal with. Demands on your time are further compounded since there are two people vying for it. Sexually, you must keep two partners happy and be somewhat equal about it (most guy's ego will tell them it is no problem but they are mistaken-just ask any woman about the number of guys who cannot even satisfy one). Sleeping arrangements are always interesting since many do not simply sleep 8 hours through the night. Finally, children are another factor which bears consideration and creates a totally different dynamic. Again, the actions and time split must be equal or resentments will grow.

These are just a few of the things that a poly Dom must consider. Notice how many of these will override the sexual nirvana One has by dominating two women. In fact, the sexual high is short lived. Many will go fleeing back to the traditional lifestyle when dealing with these issues for even a month. The pressure can get great at times especially when other life issues mount. Children, finances, and career all are standards in anyone's life regardless of the lifestyle led. Poly pressures will only add to the mountain of stress that One needs to deal with.

I do not write this as a means of turning people off to poly. It is a wonderful and rewarding way to live for those who understand what they are getting into. However, we all need to move past the romantic notion that this is going to be some 24/7 porn movie. Life still happens.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

June 1, 2009

Poly versus multiple Slaves

Poly or multi-slave owner? This is something that I rarely seen mentioned yet has serious consequences in any relationship. Those who fail to look at the larger picture tend to encounter issues. This is true in life and certainly in the BDSM world.

Many think that because they have multiple subs/slaves, they are poly. According to the general definition, this might be correct. I can agree with this if there is a relationship between all parties. However, often, the more accurate situation is where one is involved with multiple people at the same time.

In my post, Poly is more than a word, I mentioned some of the pitfalls of living in a poly situation. Many believe they can handle the emotions that arise when existing under such conditions. Nevertheless, most find difficulty when they enter real time. This typically leads to conflict which often cannot be resolved. Some people simply cannot get along. This creates a fragmented situation where poly is replaced with multiple relationships. Each person interacts with the Dom/Master individually while maintaining a separation from the other(s).

My experience leads me to state this is commonplace. A true poly interaction where a "family" unit is established is rare. Personalities frequently get in the way of establishing such a structure. Fear and jealousy are powerful emotions. They cause people to behave in ways they normally would not.

Sabotage is quite common in multi-slave situations. People tend to enter the poly world believing there will be assistance and commonality with the others. Sadly, the proverbial catfights break out where each one vies for the Dom/Master's attention. Each has an agenda which will be superimposed into each relationship. In the end, fragmentation is the result.

Therefore, when entering into a situation like this, consider how all parties will get along. Conflict in the beginning might be a warning of things to come. Also, ponder the past experiences of each person involved. Those who were in "poly" relationships often have negative experiences. This might cause the defenses to instantly be erected. With time and patience these can be overcome. However, it will only happen if each person is committed to making it work. Two out of three is not enough.

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