June 23, 2013


Discipline is something that is often discussed within the BDSM community.  It is a topic that I feel is of vital importance but not in the way people think.  Discipline as most define it refers to the idea of punishment.  While I acknowledge this is a part of the lifestyle, it is not the area where I want to focus.  Instead, I am going to cover the idea of self-discipline.

Higher Level

I often write about the fact that I believe people who choose to follow the BDSM lifestyle have the opportunity to live their lives at a "higher level" than the rest of society.  What I mean by this is that people who are involved with BDSM consciously chose this way of life.  They are not pursuing a path blindly that was handed to them by society.  Through their conscious choice, they opted for a way that would lead to their own happiness.

Because of this, I believe each of us has a responsibility to excel in as many aspects of life as possible.  People involved in BDSM know the extreme choices we sometimes make.  Those on the outside cannot understand how we can opt to live this way.  Nevertheless, this is where most of us find fulfillment.  Hence we become an example to all that follow.  My personal belief is that BDSM offers the chance for one to exert influence over many different areas of life.  Of course, this means that one needs to exert control over oneself.

Sadly, I see so many who fail in this regard.  Instead of opting for a path which results in continual growth, they simply select a route that is far easier.  They enter the BDSM world and learn a few "tricks of the trade" and then proceed along their merry way.  While I confess that many of these people fall into the "pretender" category, it is surprising how many longtime BDSMers are this way.  Somewhere along the line, they decided to rest on their laurels.  This leads to stagnation and complacency.  Of course, isnt this what most of society does?  Therefore, in this way, BDSM people follow the same path as the rest of society, only with a bit more kink.

Control Of Oneself

The number one skill in life is the ability to control oneself.  It is impossible to control another if one cannot gain control over one's own person.  Again, this is something that we see all the time within BDSM community.  Ultimately it shows the hypocrisy of the person when he or she is unable to exert influence over personal behavior.

For example, I read so many profiles where a "Master" is looking for a fit slave.  Nothing wrong with this.  However, upon a bit of investigation, you see this individual is 150 pounds overweight.  Notice the hypocrisy in this:  the slave needs to have fitness as a value when the Master does not have it himself.  At the same time, how can he control her when it is evident he cannot control what he ingests.  This is not an individual who is slightly overweight or has a few beers around his waist.

Another area I see the double-standard is with money.  Many opt for the idea that a slave, since she is completely owned, all earnings are Master's.  What causes problems is when I see people entering situations without asking the prime question: are you able to manage money.  If a "Master" is thousands of dollars in credit card debt due to excessive spending, perhaps it is a bad idea to enter into a situation where he runs the finances.  Why do you think his actions will be improved with your money?  The truth is he will not be.

In both these examples, the trait that is missing is self-discipline.  It takes discipline to control ones' eating.  At the same time it is required to forgo the "toys" when one is unable to pay for them.

Moving onto the submissive side, I see many, in the area of weight, who claim to want a Master so she can lose weight.  The belief is that is one is forcing her to do it, she will take the action.  Again, we see self discipline lacking.  Why does someone need to force you to do something you know you should be doing to begin with?  To me, this shows weakness, not strength.  It makes me question whether this person will need to be told everything.  How can I trust someone who will not take to steps to stop doing those things that are killing her?  Yet I am led to believe that one will do it because she is suddenly "owned".  I surmise this person also lacks the initiative to do the dishes or clean the bathroom without a great deal of oversight.


Discipline is nothing more than doing those things that we are suppose to be doing to achieve the results we want.  If a person desires to get in shape, it requires the discipline to eat the proper foods and stick with a sound exercise regimen.  When one is trying to improve his/her finances, certain sacrifices are made.  It takes discipline to establish a budget and stick to it.  In our careers, to excel there are certain things which require our attention.  Those who accomplish those tasks are the ones who get ahead.

The truth is there are many things in life that none of us want to do.  Everyone has those items which they prefer to avoid.  For example, who likes to pay bills?  Very few of us.  Yet most of us pay them because we enjoy the services that are rendered.  Or perhaps, in the negative context, we prefer to avoid the consequences that results in failure to pay.  Either way, we pay the bill.  Of course, some are disciplined to pay on time which avoids the late fee while others who lack this skill rack up monthly charges in excess of what they are billed.  A lack of discipline costs in so many different ways.

Why do I mention this as a vital aspect of the BDSM world?  The simply answer is because BDSM is about relationships; with ourselves and others.  Too many overlook this fact.  They, instead, get caught up in the whips and chains while neglecting the fact that we still live in the real world.  Success in any relationship takes effort.  That is something we all know.  However, if one is not willing to take the simple steps necessary to excel in the most basics of areas, what is to make one believe he or she will do it in a relationship.  Also, what does one bring to the table when an inability to take action on one's own is so prevalent in his or her life?  What is really being offered?  Instead of getting in a relationship with an adult, we are really dealing with a big child.  Children are notorious for avoiding responsibility and opting to do only those things deemed fun.  However, as adults we know this is not how the world works.  It requires discipline to do all those "unfun" things.

Therefore, when interacting with another, especially if you are not presently in a relationship with this person, look at his or her life in totality to determine the type of person you are dealing with.  If this person's life is a total mess, that might be an indicator of something is amiss at a core level.  Investigate further to determine what you are dealing with.  External signs usually point to internal problems.  Be mindful of this.


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June 18, 2013

Path To Happiness

Society lies to people.  We are taught growing up what the path to happiness is.  This idea is instilled upon us by all those we come in contact with.  Over time,. by modeling what we see and taking in what we witness, we learn what "normal" is.  At the same time we are conditioned that it is only through "normalcy" that we will attain happiness.  Unfortunately for the masses this is not reality.

A Different Path

Alternative lifestyles exist because not everyone fits into the nice package that society tries to sell.  Too many follow the path that we are indoctrinated with only to find it lacking.  Many pursue this avenue for decades hoping something will change.  All too often, it does not.  People ultimately end up repeating the same mistakes.  It is ironic that the names and faces change yet the people do not.

We see this debate presently fought out in the public arena over gay marriage.  While not going into the merits of either side in this article, it is interesting to note how "those in charge" seem to want to dictate what normal is.  For centuries, just being gay was enough to suffer extreme ostracization at best and death at worst.  Obviously, society has come a long way since that point yet equality is not present.  Again, the reason being is it still falls outside the bound of what is normal.

Most of us in BDSM understand this plight.  We live a lifestyle that is also considered outside the realm of mainstream.  While society has opened up to the idea with movies such as Secretary and the 50 Shades books, the truth is BDSM is still looked at as nothing more than a kink.  Power exchange might be acceptable to some in the bedroom.  However, equality is still the mantra espoused by masses. 

Therefore, those who embraced their submissive or dominating side while choosing to structure his/her life around it is stepping outside the bounds of normalcy.  Walking this path makes us different from everyone else.  The reality is that most people tend to toe the line of what society conditions them for.  Most people enter into heterosexual marriages which have a fairly even breakdown of power.  They work traditional jobs to support their average, normal children.  Overall, they are model citizens which is exactly what they are conditioned to be.

BDSM people are different in the fact that they consciously chose a different path.  This is in direct opposition to those living how I just described.  The majority never thought about why they made the decisions that they did.  In fact, if you look closer, most did not make the decision.  It was ingrained in them.  Getting married is something that "everyone does".  No thought required.  Meet someone, fall in love, get married.  Again, swallowing the cultural Kool Aid.  People involved in BDSM drank from the same tap until they suddenly woke up one day.  Since they found something lacking, they undertook the search to discover what was needed.  It is in this process that they found a way of life which matched their inner desires.  Fortunately, they also had the courage to follow those desires since the risk of being ostracized is great.

Power Exchange

Power exchange, from a cultural perspective, is an interesting case.  We all know the mantra is equality yet, as evidenced by gay marriage, equality goes only to those that the majority feel are deserving.  At the same time, inequality is openly embraced.  In the work place, equality is promoted based upon gender and race, yet we know that there is an inherent inequality since certain individuals are granted power over others.  To start, the person signing the paycheck who also has the ability to fire has a lot more control than the one on the receiving end of that.  Here we see an open exchange of power which most people do not think twice about.  Yet we are led to believe that society is about equality.  The facts simply do not bear this out.

Of course, when we turn to relationships, equality is the promoted outcome.  There was a big movement in the 1960s to ensure that there was equality within relationships.  Perhaps some of you will remember the burnings bras that took place in protest of the previous bias towards males within our culture.  As we all know, this movement was successful which created a new "normal".

Which brings up the original idea of this post:  What if your path to happiness does not lie in an equal breakdown of power?  Obviously you are an individual who does not fit into the model of normalcy.  We are taught that happiness is achieved by being involved in a loving relationship with another person (of the opposite sex) based upon the foundation of equality.  Anything contrary to this idea is either outdated, perverted, or makes one weak (usually aimed at the females). 

BDSM goes counter to the idea of equality.  This is a lifestyle where relationships are structured on the fundamental premise of inequality.  When one enters this realm, it is often a difficult transition to make.  Remember, most have existed for decades under the idea of things being fairly split when it comes to power.  The idea of total control (or no control) is a foreign one.  Oftentimes, it is a challenge for people to adjust to the level of responsibility the comes along with these decisions.  Again, it is not normal for someone to approach life in this manner according to our cultural standards.

The bottom line is that a relationship structure such as this is often the path to happiness for many.  While there are many people who find happiness in the traditional model, those of us who are involved in BDSM opted for another way.  Ultimately, no matter what society preaches, it is up to each individual to find the proper path for him or her.  Life is not a practice test; we only get one shot at it.  Make sure choices about how you want to live your life are conscious and not just following a belief that was instilled in you by society.


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June 8, 2013

Effective Punishments

Punishments are an acceptable and necessary part of the BDSM lifestyle especially when one is involved in TPE.  When one decides to submit to another, this action carries with it all agreed upon results.  Part of being an effective dominant is the ability to punish so that desired ends are achieved.  Sadly, as with most aspects of the lifestyle, this is something that is misunderstood.


Pain is the one area that most instantly refer to when considering punishments. Certainly, this shows that most of us grew up in the era where spankings, whippings, and other forms of physical punishments were acceptable.  It is evident that society, as a whole, seems to look differently upon that method of discipline.  Nevertheless, since it is ingrained in us so deeply, this is a conclusion most gravitate towards.

The only problem with this concept is that punishment is not something that is meant to be enjoyed.  There are many within the lifestyle who thoroughly enjoy pain.  This is a wonderful thing yet can make discipline a bit of a challenge.  Punishing someone who loves pain is akin to disciplining a child by giving him or her ice cream.  The level of enjoyment might not achieve the desired result.

Before going any further, I will acknowledge that even those who love pain take differently to pain inflicted based upon play/pleasure as compared to when the dominant one is upset.  Even though it is the same people involved conducting the same action, the fact that one is upset with the other changes the experience.  Nevertheless, in situations like this, there could be more effective methods.

Desired Outcome

Few seem to realize that punishment is not something that is done for fun.  It seems that this is a misconception that is carried by both dominant and submissive types.  While many of us are sado or masochists, impact play is just that: play.  When disciplining, there should be no enjoyment involved.  Pleasure is not the outcome.  Instead, what one seeks is behavior modification.

A submissive requires discipline when she (he) does something wrong.  It is that simple.  In this instance, the dominant preferred a particular course of action and it was not met.  Therefore, something needs to be done to ensure that the proper behavior does result.

It is at this point that one needs to be thoughtful in the methodology.  To start, not every mistake requires discipline.  This is another fallacy that I see so many espouse.  Submissives are human therefore open to mistakes like everyone else.  Oftentimes, simply pointing out the mistake while explaining the preferred course of action is effective.  In my belief, mistakes do NOT required punishment.  Instead, basic constructive criticism is the way to go.

Sadly, there are times when the same mistake is made repeatedly.  At these times, something harsher needs to be done.  When this point is reached it is apparent that the message is not getting through to the individual.

The way one can go about it is varied.  I am not going to detail forms of punishment or methods to use.  The point I am making is that one needs to design a system of discipline that garners the attention of the submissive.  In other words, it "needs to hurt".  Again, do not mistake that idea to mean some form of impact.  Depending upon the individual, there are an assortment of methods which will drive the message home.  This is akin to grounding the teenager from the party on Saturday night when all his friends will be there.  Missing the party equals great pain.

In closing, when designing a punishment, leave the ego out of it.  Too many seem to get off on the power of being able to discipline another.  This action is not about you nor the power you wield.  It is about effectively managing the situations in your relationship that you are empowered to handle.  When things go awry, for whatever reason, it is up to you to take corrective action which is the goal of any punishment.


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