Trust: Needed For Control

New people often miss this fundamental point. For one to properly control and dominate another, there needs to be trust established. This means, that as a Dom/Master, you better be trustworthy.

How much do you concentrate your efforts on being a trustworthy person? This obviously transcends the BDSM world. However, as one who is proclaiming to be dominant, what do you have to offer that a sub/slave can latch onto? Few every consider this when pounding their chest in an effort to exemplify their merits. Of course, experienced people know this is all a load of garbage. Yet, it must work since so many people repeat the same behavior.

Master Seeks Slave For 24/7 Relationship

Have you ever seen this advertisement? If you visit any number of online BDSM sites, you will see this all over the place. It seems that most think that this is enough to get people to drop to their knees in front of you. Again, since it is so prevalent, I know it does find success. This shows how naive many are who will throw themselves at anyone.

This post will seem like I am bashing the online community (which I am apt to do). However, that is not my intention since I see much of this same behavior in real life situations. Many munches are nothing more than glorified chatrooms with the same idiotic behavior taking place. At some point, you would think that people want to be shown what is being offered. Hell, we don't buy a car without knowing the MPG, lease payment, and insurance costs. Yet, people will offer themselves up to any meathead who claims to be a Dom (Master).

My efforts here are to open your eyes up to another way to approach this lifestyle. Instead of the bonehead ad listed above, let us focus our attention on offering people something. Everything is sales and we are now confronted with the prospect of separating ourselves from the rest of the crowd. Fortunately, I can assure you that it is not that difficult.

What Do You Know?

People trust people who are knowledgeable. This applies to every area of life. We do not want to buy a product from someone who has no idea how his or her product works. Nor are we likely to want an A/C repair person who can't operate a thermostat. Doctors spend years in school gaining the knowledge necessary to perform complex operations. Everywhere you turn, people are seeking those who have knowledge to share.

So, why do you think it is any different in this way of life? Lucky for you, I have an answer for that. Society, in its infinite wisdom, teaches us about all kinds of different topics. Our educational system is designed to produce well rounded citizens. Sadly, the one area that is always overlooked is how to be successful in relationships. The vanilla world presumes that people know how to get along. Judging by the divorce rates in the advanced countries, perhaps it is time for someone to look at that concept. It seems most are inadequately prepared for what awaits them.

This is our training ground. Everyone who enters the BDSM world does so after taking a stab at things in the vanilla world. Society's ethos is in full operation. Therefore, when we are hiring an employee, it is common to ask his or her experience. However, we never ask a potential mate what his/her record is with relationships and how much knowledge that person has which will help make this one successful. Instead, it is one giant crapshoot that ultimately ends up with the attorneys splitting the bulk of the assets.

The truth is, as inadequately prepared as people are in the traditional world, they are even less so for this way of life. There is nothing that one experiences growing up that will convert to life as a Master or slave. It is something that is far removed from most people's natural experiences. Therefore, we need to look at what knowledge is required before advancing forward.

A Natural Tendency Is Not Enough

Many falsely believe simply because he or she is naturally dominate/submissive, then that is qualification to pursue this way of life. I cannot tell you the number of people I encounter who state that they always knew they were a Master or slave. Really? When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I find it interesting that there were children dreaming of being involved in BDSM when they get older. Of course, this is hogwash. People can be naturally dominant or submissive, yet that is not enough for success in this way of life.

One needs to take the time to study the ins and outs of this way of life. Those with experience tend to share their knowledge with others. That is the point of all my writings. I want to convey the knowledge that I gained over the last 10+ years to those who are considering going down this path. All the "secrets" are revealed if you will just read.

And that is your starting point. If you are new, read as much as you can about this particular lifestyle. Type "BDSM" into your search engine and read away. Go 30, 40, 50 pages deep to find blogs where people share experience (it will take you that long to get past the pictures). These places are where you find accounts of actual life situations that people face within this lifestyle. You will garner knowledge about the various aspects of BDSM and then can begin to determine where you fit. For example, the traits of being a sub compared to that of a slave are vastly different. The same is true for a Dom and Master. Consider the differences before proclaiming to be something that you are not.

Writing

Once you gain a bit of knowledge, it is time to show everyone how smart you are. This is not a lifestyle where we are shy. We share all the kernals of knowledge we gain with whomever will listen. This is accomplished by writing.

I set up the An Owned Life Social site with the intention of having a place for people to interact with other in the lifestyle. All are welcomed and are encouraged to express themselves. People with every conceivable background shows up to sites like these. By sharing the knowledge you gained, you begin to stand out as someone who knows a little bit about this way of life. In short order, you will be able to write a much better ad than the one above.

Why do we go to this length? One Word:

TRUST

This is what makes it all tick. You have no hope of attracting anyone who is real and getting them to submit unless they trust you. Trust is something that is important in every relationship. However, since a sub or slave is placed in such a vulnerable position, the need for this quality is magnified. We do everything in our power to gain the trust of another. If we can do that, we lay the foundation for a successful BDSM relationship.

A BDSM relationship is all about control. One person has it because it is given by the other one. I can attest to the fact this will not occur unless there is trust between the two individuals. Again, I am overlooking the online games where one submits to another within 15 minutes of meeting him or her in a chatroom. It is impossible to gain trust in that period of time. That is why most online relationships are just antics. There is nothing substantial to them. Real world is a little different.

To truly have control, one needs to trust you with his or her life. This sounds dramatic until you realize the fact that some of our fetishes played out in scenes can lead to death or disfigurement. One will not safely put him or herself in your hands unless the trust exists. This is something that all dominant figures need to work on. Being capable in the many different aspects of this lifestyle will allow that person to cede control over. Without it, the relationship is dead.

It Takes Time

My present slave is with me almost a year in person. Before that, we spent about a year online interacting. She moved here from another country to be with me. This is not something she would have done without trusting me. However, that does not mean that the trust didnt grow since arriving. As time passes, her trust for me grows as we go through different situations. This is a natural process in most relationships. Nevertheless, people in this way of life seem to overlook it.

Avoid the desire to run out and be a Master overnight. It is not possible. The BDSM world is full of many nuances that take years to uncover let alone perfect. Those who state their "Masterhood" simply by putting a capital M on Master prove themselves to be phonies in short order. These are the people who are unwilling to invest the time in learning what this lifestyle is all about. To them, it is a game. Those of us who live this have a different outlook. To us, it is not a game. We have respect for this way of life and the people involved with it. For this reason, we aspire to elevate ourselves for everyone's benefit. Growth is a fundamental part of our progression.

Thus, if you want to earn the right to control another, make sure you have something to offer him or her. Experienced subs/slaves know all the online cons. You will never attract anyone decent as long as you play the same games as everyone else. Earn their trust by improving your knowledge and abilities. It is only than that you will have garnered the right (and ability) to control that person.

Begin your quest for knowledge by clicking on this link for my bestselling book An Owned Life.

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Healthy Self Esteem

How important is it to have a healthy self esteem in the BDSM world?

This is a question that I have pondered for a while. I see many who seem to lack the basic belief in oneself, especially among the submissive types. This lifestyle evidently has a way of attracting those who are seeking to have others make them feel valuable. Perhaps this is why so many BDSM relationships end up failing.

As a Master, I can emphatically state that it is impossible for me to "totally carry another" in a relationship. Too often I have seen people who have absolutely no self-worth. These people are always a challenge to deal with. Without a basic belief in oneself, no relationship will ever be healthy.

Nothing frustrates me more than dealing with someone who is completely unbalanced. Emotional security within oneself is crucial. Too many seem to lack this basic component. That being said, they come to the BDSM lifestyle with the intention of solving their problems. Without a basic self-worth, is it any wonder all their relationships ended up in failure. BDSM is not the solution. This is just another bust added to the train wreck called life.

This is one of the reasons why we see so many enter/exit the lifestyle. They simply do not have the ability to make any relationship successful. Expecting someone else to magically wash all your problems away and make you feel good about yourself is an unrealistic expectation. This is true whether that person is called Master, Mistress, Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend.

A relationship involves two people. Both parties need to have a basic self-assurance to make it work. There is enough difficulty in meshing any two people together. When one is looking at the other to bear the complete burden for the emotional state of both parties, the path to breakup is being laid. This is something I witnessed countless times over the years.

If you are presently not in a relationship but looking into one, I would suggest you first consider where you are with your self esteem. Are you at a place where you have a healthy outlook about yourself? If you are one who is even willing to consider a question such as this, then you are further along than 95% of the population. Most will not even consider something of this magnitude. Nevertheless, a good self-worth is critical to the success in any relationship. BDSM is no different.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

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Confidence

This is one of the most basic qualities that a Dom/Master needs. One who is not confident cannot properly dominate another. It is just that simple.

Before going any further, we will reveal why the pretenders do not have what it takes to succeed in this area. Many seem to be confident by telling you how great they are. Those who demand they be called "Master" show how little they really have. Being a Master is more than just the way you are addressed. In fact, the failure to address one in that manner does not make one any less dominant. Yet, many will insist upon this because they lack confidence.

There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. We have all met the former. Those are the ones who talk a big game yet are really nothing in the end. In short, their actions fail to live up to their words.

Leaders in all walks of life strive to instill confidence in others. This is a basic necessity for effective leadership. Those who pull this off succeed. On the other hand, failure to instill confidence can wreck a leader's career. Take the Presidency as an example. While the President is instilling confidence in people, the approval ratings are high and Congress is apt to side with him. However, once the confidence in the President slips, all start to bail. Thus the term "lame duck" President.

A Dom/Master needs to have the same approach. There is no way a sub/slave will follow someone who lacks confidence. It is something that he or she is looking for in the other person. Certainty is trait that is craved. A Dom/Master fosters a certain atmosphere by being confident in his decisions. Wavering is not something that subs/slaves like to see.

We all met those people who are confident (as opposed to arrogant). There is an aura about them. They are the people who others are attracted to. Regardless of the situation, they are the individuals who keep calm in the face of a storm. At the end of the day, they instill confidence in you.

This is what an effective Master does. Trust is build upon this confidence. Over time, a sub/slave comes to have confidence in her Dom/Master. It is something that can occur naturally. However, for this is take place, he must first have that confidence within himself. This is not something that can be bluffed. Without it, the D/s or M/s relationship is doomed to fail.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Fearing a Master

Fear is a powerful weapon. A study of history shows that many people and institutions use fear as a form of control. Many believe this is what religion does to ensure the obedience of it's followers. What better way to manipulate behavior then to threaten eternal damnation. At the same time, Stalin and other leaders use the threat of beatings or death to maintain control over entire countries. When the fear is great enough, people will do just about anything they are told.

Fear is something that is within each person. We all experience on a regular basis. There is not a single person walking the planet who doesn't feel this emotion. Those who claim to have no fear are usually the ones who are scared the most. They allow their ego to hide what is really inside of them.

In the BDSM world, many believe that fear is a tactic which should be employed with a sub/slave. This is incorrect in my estimation. Any relationship that is based upon fear will end.

This concept gets increased the further along one proceeds in the BDSM way of life. Those who are involved in M/s know how easy it is to turn one's submission into a fear-based existence. Some think that it is their place to instill fear in the one submitting. This shows a lack of character and control on the part of the Dom/Master. A sub/slave need not be afraid for her to be effective.

I wrote about this subject in my book An Owned Life. Those who use fear as a method of control show their inability to properly maintain a relationship. The problem with fear is that it requires some type of physical presence to be most effective. When the person who is feared leaves, the fear will diminish. This creates the situation where one is always looking for a means of escape. While I will grant this could take a long time, eventually it will happen. We see this in the traditional world where abuse occurs. At some point, the person will find a way out.

In addition, a fear-based relationship is not very healthy. In BDSM, there are certain things for a sub/slave to fear. Punishments for inappropriate action is an example. However, often the anticipation is worse than the activity. Also, a punishment is undertaken not to scare but, rather, to alter future behavior. It is no different then disciplining a child. You want the child to fear the punishment, not the parent.

BDSM is a wonderful way of life for those who take the time to learn what it is all about. The need to fulfill an inner desire is within all of us. Speaking from a Dom/Master perspective, the thrist for control is not met by instilling fear in another. To me, this is being a bully. A much better approach is the power which is derived from her complete and total submission. This is a power that is more enduring then fear. It is derived from her desire to serve as opposed from her fear of being hurt.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are tempting to try to intimidate another. It will often backfire on you.

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Erotic Humiliation-Face Slapping

There is something about slapping someone in the face that is considered one of the ultimate acts of degradation in our society. We see this activity in movies all the time, usually when a man approaches a woman inappropriately. This is typically followed by a drink being thrown in his face. Nevertheless, that is Hollywood and might not accurately reflect society in general.

However, there is something about being slapped in the face which we find demeaning. I do not profess to understand why this is, yet going on this assumption led to wonderful results in my BDSM interaction. It is an action which can be used to heighten the mood of a scene.

Before going any further, I must mention the all important safety tip. When we mention slap, we are referring to the act of striking someone with an open hand. This is not a close fisted punch. The idea is to provide a bit of a sting without hurting the other person. I write this because many seem to lack commonsense.

There are many subs who will have their experience heightened when you add face slapping to your routine. As mentioned, there is something that is wonderful humiliating about being slapped in the face. This is even more powerful when you do it to one who is bound. The idea of being totally defenseless while being slapped provides intense pleasure for many.

What is the pleasure in this? Everything involved within BDSM has to do with feelings. It is the feelings behind any activity which O/one is after. This is true whether one is a Dom or sub. Sexual activity is done because of the way it feels. Everything has to do with the feelings associated with an act.

Subs want to experience the feeling of being controlled. Erotic humiliation is something that further enhances this concept. When One has the capability to degrade another, it shows the hierarchy of power. Slapping someone in the face at His or Her will exemplifies the position of control. Try to implement this the next time you want to increase the intensity of your BDSM scene.

Direction Of The Relationship

A Master needs to have the inner strength to take control of the relationship while steering it in the direction that He wants it to go. Too many fail to take the responsibility associated with being a Master seriously. Leadership does have it's price.

Most newbies are enamored with the idea of being in control. To have one do whatever He says is a fantasy. However, like all fantasies, reality tends to be a little different. The BDSM world is a great deal more than just whips and chains. The deeper that people get into the lifestyle, the more responsibility that comes along. This is magnified when a relationship is established.

What One's responsibility? It starts with safety. This needs to be foremost one a Master/Dom's mind. Even while He is enjoying the pleasure of a scene, it is up to Him to determine if things are proceeding safely or not. Many do not like to hear that if one is hurt, He is the One who is at fault. It is just too easy to want the control without the responsibility. Unfortunately, that is a fantasy and not how reality works.