March 31, 2010

"On Your Knees Bitch"

How many times have we seen this in a BDSM chatroom? Here is where we know we entered the realm of know-nothing fantasy seekers. These are the people who think they have a clue what the D/s or M/s lifestyle is all about. It is stunning to me that people actually listen to these meatheads.

Have Something To Offer

The last few days saw me write about this subject. I believe the real D/s/M/s seekers are going to judge a person at a deeper level. This does not mean to imply that they are being shallow or unfair. What I am saying is that to attract the attention of someone who is serious about this way of life, you had better have something other than a snotty cyber attitude.

Over the last few months, I wrote about the lunacy of dealing with the pretenders that are out there. My estimate is that 90% of the people are absolute fakes. They have no interest in a real time relationship. Instead, they have other objectives. Obviously, if cybersex if your thing, that is wonderful. However, most of the people I encounter who are seeking this as a way of life, are not interested in cybersex. They are seeking something greater.

The same is true for the online Doms/Masters. What most of them fail to understand is that online doesnt always translate into real time. There are a great many more factors to consider. Taking control of someone's life through his or her submission is radically different than accepting an online offer. At the end of the day, in reality, when in an online deal, you have no responsibility whatsoever to that person. In real time, the situation is vastly different.

I know many who proclaim to be Masters (as an example) but really do not have the muster to control and dominate. They are to indecisive. There also seems to be a lack of understanding of how a Master needs to wear a variety of different hats. Sometimes one is a shoulder to cry on; other times a disciplinarian; still others will see you as a friend; and others as a teacher. Whatever the circumstances, the dominant one needs to be able to handle what is presented. There is a great deal more to this life than just sex.

Courting Process

I shutter to use this word for fear that those who are apt to "romanticize" this lifestyle start to take this idea down the wrong path. However, it is accurate when you think about what we do. Obviously, the idea of a relationship starts off when two people are attracted to each other in some way, shape, or form. There is something that exists that initially garners attention. In offline meetings, this usually is physical. From there, things move to deeper levels.

Online is a totally different animal. This is where the neanderthals amaze me. Do they honestly believe that entering a chat room and behaving like a total ass is attractive to people? Obviously so. Nevertheless, I found that people who are seeking something real are as turned off by this behavior as I am. The simple truth is that a submissive type needs to be wooed. The idea of simply being abusive does not cut it.

In my post yesterday, I mentioned that writing posts on forums will allow those who read to get some idea that you are one who has a clue about what this life is all about. This is the online form of courting. A perspective sub can read and get to know a bit about you. From there, online chats are a good way to interact one-on-one. During these sessions, I would presume that a worthwhile person will reveal the knowledge he or she has. This is how relationships work.

Nevertheless, few seem to travel this path. They believe that people ought to submit to them completely simply because they claim they are a Dom or Master. What a crock that is? I love chatting with meatheads like that. They want respect without earning it. The idea that someone should kneel at their feet shows how little they know. You must have something before someone will give you something.

I cannot tell you how many middle aged, overweight, broke men post profiles saying something to the effect: longtime Master seeking slave for total domination and who will know her place. You are expected to submit to me completely. Anything less will not be tolerated.

Now, to start, I understand this outlook since most real Masters encounter just as many fakes online as the other way around. Nevertheless, this doesnt absolve the idea that this person shows nothing worthwhile. He claims to be longtime but how is anyone to know. And, I understand that looks arent everything, but they are something. That aside, what are you offering in terms of a life? Are you financially able to take care of another one? If not, how do you expect her to survive if you arent covering that for her? Where does trust enter the equation? What are you willing to do to earn that trust? And finally. Do you have respect for people who are submissive or are you an arrogant ass? These are all things that will go through her mind.

In the end, there is a courting process that takes place within this way of life. "On your knees bitch" is not a way that will attract anyone's attention. I cannot tell you the number of people I came across who left rooms because people were arrogant asses like that. If you are trying to impress someone, you might want to think of another approach. And, if you are trying to make up for a lack of self worth, sign up for a personal development course. Either way, stop acting like such a jackass.

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March 29, 2010

Trust: Needed For Control

New people often miss this fundamental point. For one to properly control and dominate another, there needs to be trust established. This means, that as a Dom/Master, you better be trustworthy.

How much do you concentrate your efforts on being a trustworthy person? This obviously transcends the BDSM world. However, as one who is proclaiming to be dominant, what do you have to offer that a sub/slave can latch onto? Few every consider this when pounding their chest in an effort to exemplify their merits. Of course, experienced people know this is all a load of garbage. Yet, it must work since so many people repeat the same behavior.

Master Seeks Slave For 24/7 Relationship

Have you ever seen this advertisement? If you visit any number of online BDSM sites, you will see this all over the place. It seems that most think that this is enough to get people to drop to their knees in front of you. Again, since it is so prevalent, I know it does find success. This shows how naive many are who will throw themselves at anyone.

This post will seem like I am bashing the online community (which I am apt to do). However, that is not my intention since I see much of this same behavior in real life situations. Many munches are nothing more than glorified chatrooms with the same idiotic behavior taking place. At some point, you would think that people want to be shown what is being offered. Hell, we don't buy a car without knowing the MPG, lease payment, and insurance costs. Yet, people will offer themselves up to any meathead who claims to be a Dom (Master).

My efforts here are to open your eyes up to another way to approach this lifestyle. Instead of the bonehead ad listed above, let us focus our attention on offering people something. Everything is sales and we are now confronted with the prospect of separating ourselves from the rest of the crowd. Fortunately, I can assure you that it is not that difficult.

What Do You Know?

People trust people who are knowledgeable. This applies to every area of life. We do not want to buy a product from someone who has no idea how his or her product works. Nor are we likely to want an A/C repair person who can't operate a thermostat. Doctors spend years in school gaining the knowledge necessary to perform complex operations. Everywhere you turn, people are seeking those who have knowledge to share.

So, why do you think it is any different in this way of life? Lucky for you, I have an answer for that. Society, in its infinite wisdom, teaches us about all kinds of different topics. Our educational system is designed to produce well rounded citizens. Sadly, the one area that is always overlooked is how to be successful in relationships. The vanilla world presumes that people know how to get along. Judging by the divorce rates in the advanced countries, perhaps it is time for someone to look at that concept. It seems most are inadequately prepared for what awaits them.

This is our training ground. Everyone who enters the BDSM world does so after taking a stab at things in the vanilla world. Society's ethos is in full operation. Therefore, when we are hiring an employee, it is common to ask his or her experience. However, we never ask a potential mate what his/her record is with relationships and how much knowledge that person has which will help make this one successful. Instead, it is one giant crapshoot that ultimately ends up with the attorneys splitting the bulk of the assets.

The truth is, as inadequately prepared as people are in the traditional world, they are even less so for this way of life. There is nothing that one experiences growing up that will convert to life as a Master or slave. It is something that is far removed from most people's natural experiences. Therefore, we need to look at what knowledge is required before advancing forward.

A Natural Tendency Is Not Enough

Many falsely believe simply because he or she is naturally dominate/submissive, then that is qualification to pursue this way of life. I cannot tell you the number of people I encounter who state that they always knew they were a Master or slave. Really? When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I find it interesting that there were children dreaming of being involved in BDSM when they get older. Of course, this is hogwash. People can be naturally dominant or submissive, yet that is not enough for success in this way of life.

One needs to take the time to study the ins and outs of this way of life. Those with experience tend to share their knowledge with others. That is the point of all my writings. I want to convey the knowledge that I gained over the last 10+ years to those who are considering going down this path. All the "secrets" are revealed if you will just read.

And that is your starting point. If you are new, read as much as you can about this particular lifestyle. Type "BDSM" into your search engine and read away. Go 30, 40, 50 pages deep to find blogs where people share experience (it will take you that long to get past the pictures). These places are where you find accounts of actual life situations that people face within this lifestyle. You will garner knowledge about the various aspects of BDSM and then can begin to determine where you fit. For example, the traits of being a sub compared to that of a slave are vastly different. The same is true for a Dom and Master. Consider the differences before proclaiming to be something that you are not.


Once you gain a bit of knowledge, it is time to show everyone how smart you are. This is not a lifestyle where we are shy. We share all the kernals of knowledge we gain with whomever will listen. This is accomplished by writing.

I set up the An Owned Life Social site with the intention of having a place for people to interact with other in the lifestyle. All are welcomed and are encouraged to express themselves. People with every conceivable background shows up to sites like these. By sharing the knowledge you gained, you begin to stand out as someone who knows a little bit about this way of life. In short order, you will be able to write a much better ad than the one above.

Why do we go to this length? One Word:


This is what makes it all tick. You have no hope of attracting anyone who is real and getting them to submit unless they trust you. Trust is something that is important in every relationship. However, since a sub or slave is placed in such a vulnerable position, the need for this quality is magnified. We do everything in our power to gain the trust of another. If we can do that, we lay the foundation for a successful BDSM relationship.

A BDSM relationship is all about control. One person has it because it is given by the other one. I can attest to the fact this will not occur unless there is trust between the two individuals. Again, I am overlooking the online games where one submits to another within 15 minutes of meeting him or her in a chatroom. It is impossible to gain trust in that period of time. That is why most online relationships are just antics. There is nothing substantial to them. Real world is a little different.

To truly have control, one needs to trust you with his or her life. This sounds dramatic until you realize the fact that some of our fetishes played out in scenes can lead to death or disfigurement. One will not safely put him or herself in your hands unless the trust exists. This is something that all dominant figures need to work on. Being capable in the many different aspects of this lifestyle will allow that person to cede control over. Without it, the relationship is dead.

It Takes Time

My present slave is with me almost a year in person. Before that, we spent about a year online interacting. She moved here from another country to be with me. This is not something she would have done without trusting me. However, that does not mean that the trust didnt grow since arriving. As time passes, her trust for me grows as we go through different situations. This is a natural process in most relationships. Nevertheless, people in this way of life seem to overlook it.

Avoid the desire to run out and be a Master overnight. It is not possible. The BDSM world is full of many nuances that take years to uncover let alone perfect. Those who state their "Masterhood" simply by putting a capital M on Master prove themselves to be phonies in short order. These are the people who are unwilling to invest the time in learning what this lifestyle is all about. To them, it is a game. Those of us who live this have a different outlook. To us, it is not a game. We have respect for this way of life and the people involved with it. For this reason, we aspire to elevate ourselves for everyone's benefit. Growth is a fundamental part of our progression.

Thus, if you want to earn the right to control another, make sure you have something to offer him or her. Experienced subs/slaves know all the online cons. You will never attract anyone decent as long as you play the same games as everyone else. Earn their trust by improving your knowledge and abilities. It is only than that you will have garnered the right (and ability) to control that person.

Begin your quest for knowledge by clicking on this link for my bestselling book An Owned Life.

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March 28, 2010

Love, Intimacy, & Sex

This is not really a post that is isolated to the BDSM community. In fact, it is something that I am sharing that pertains more to the poly community. However, since many within this lifestyle find themselves faced with similar circumstances, I feel it beneficial for all.

Together Or Separate

Love, intimacy, and sex are three parts that exist within a relationship. We can experience any variety within a relationship or none at all. What is present is up to the individual and can actually differ between the two people. None are contingent upon any of the others although people will often claim they are. In the end, it all comes down to individual beliefs.

Love is a feeling that we have for another person. People will claim it comes in many different forms but I believe love is simply wanting the best for another without anything in return. True love is the accepting of a person exactly how they are. It is present regardless of the circumstances and comes without strings. This is something that one gives freely without being earned; it is unending.

Intimacy is the connection between two people at a particular moment. Unlike love, which is unending, intimacy is a closeness in time that comes from complete sharing with another. There could be a physical dimension to the experience although that is not always true.

Sex is a physical act between two people. That is it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. At the most basic level, it is the method we use to reproduce our species. Man, unlike other members of the Animal Kingdom, also engage in this activity for pleasure. One derives physical satisfaction from having sex (or at least really good sex).

Belief System

Our beliefs come into play in what we experience. Many seek to fulfill their needs by looking for these in a primary relationship. What they fail to realize is that they are available in many different relationships.

When we mention the word "love", most simply jump to the idea of a primary relationship. Certainly, love is a component of this relationship. However, there are many different people that we love. We have parents, children, aunts, uncles, and close friends. These are all individuals that we love unconditionally.

This is where the disagreement comes in regarding poly. Society wants to promote the idea of a monogamous relationship. However, as you can see, when it comes to love, everyone is poly. Of course, society answers by stating that romantic love is different. To me, this is an absurd idea. How can anyone place a cap on love? Is there only a certain amount you have for your spouse? If you run out, is it time for a divorce? I do not think so.

The polyamorous world uses the analogy of loving a child. If a parent loves his or her child completely, is that love diminished if another child is born? Does the first child have to share the love with the new sibling? Is the total love divided up equally between the two children? Any parent with multiple children knows this is not true. There is an unlimited amount of love to share with the children.

We see the same idea apply to those who are poly. They have an unlimited amount of love to share with their partners. Adding a second lover does not diminish the love for the first. What is diminished is the time one is able to spend with each person. This is because time is a finite commodity. Love is not. But then again, add a second child and the time factor is present there also.

Nevertheless, when it comes to our belief system, most of us were taught that "romantic" love is finite and designed to be shared with only one person. I challenge anyone to show me how love changes.

Love Meaning Intimacy

When people talk about love, they are often referring to intimacy. They allude to the connection felt with another (usually a romantic interlude) during a romantic moment. Often, this involves sex. This is where most feel they experience love.

The truth is that they were being intimate. This is a deep connection with another person felt at a particular time. Of course, there are many times we are intimate with people without being sexual. There are a few friends I have with whom I had deep, intimate moments with over the years without anything physical occurring. The complete and honest sharing created a level of intimacy between the two of us. Sometimes, I found these situations to be more emotionally charged than my romantic relationships. That is how powerful these moments can be.

Now, the question arises, did I love these people? The answer is yes. However, my love exists even when I am not with them. The same is true for a romantic relationship. A husband loves his wife even when they are not in the presence of each other. However, intimacy is experienced in the presence of another. It is an outpouring of the love between the two of you. To me, it is the intimacy of a relationship that really gets the juices flowing.

Where Does Sex Fit It?

This depends upon one's belief system and how he or she is conditioned to believe. Since, I feel that most people are unaware what they are experiencing, I think their beliefs are irrelevant anyway. Since few take the time to look in themselves, I believe they are blind to what occurs within them.

Sex is an individualistic activity. The meaning that we apply to it varies from person-to-person. Actually, many times, a person will alter how he or she feels about sex. For example, a pornstar might feel intimacy and love when having sex with a spouse but being physical when on set. Personally, sex is not when I really feel intimacy. Again, it is a physical act. What occurs afterwards in terms of the aftermath is where I feel intimacy.

Many are conditioned to believe that sex cannot occur without the intimacy and love. This is a belief that is not only wrong, it is impractical. Let us use the confines of marriage as an example. Does the sex within this institution always involved intimacy? Of course not. There are times when she gives in only to appease him. She is counting down the minutes, hoping he finishes soon. The act is nothing more than a physical way to get release. Yet this woman still loves her husband and does feel the intimacy with him at other times. However, it is impractical to think it will happen all the time.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist because people looked that the ideals society espouses and consciously determines that something different is needed. We all do not fit into the same mode. Looking at our views on love, intimacy, and sex, we realize that much negotiation is needed with ourselves and others. Whenever we are entering into a primary relationship, we need to consider how the other person feels about these things. Living life as we see fit is our personal responsibility.

I am one who is involved in a multitude of alternative lifestyles simultaneously. This means that I often encounter people who look at things differently than I do. There are so many who are open to some of what I am involved in but then flee when they find out the entire truth. This is the nature of my reality but a course that is right for me. I know that I have plenty of love in my life while sharing intimate moments with those who are not sexual partners. Also, sex is something that can make me closer to a person or an act that is for enjoyment and release. I do not feel the need to always place a great deal of importance on it.

Finally, my BDSM lifestyle sees me as a poly person. I believe in the unending nature of love. For that reason, I know that it is possible to have more than one. For this reason, I consider my polyamorous. I have experienced both "V" and "triad" situations. Nevertheless, conforming to one certain idea does not work for me. I seek fulfillment in many different relationships all of which add to my life. This might be contrary to society's views, but then again, it believes that one only experiences love, intimacy, and sex with the same person. This is a belief that I cannot buy into. I only hope you take the time to question your outlook in this area.

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March 26, 2010

24/7 TPE Slave

Is this really possible? Can someone actually live in servitude and bondage (figuratively) 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Yes, I do believe this is possible. However, it takes a special person to make this successful. The circumstances must also be ideal.

Financial Security

Considering the plight of the world the last couple of years, this is something that is becoming rarer with each passing day. It appears the majority of society in most developed countries are suffering financial woes of some kind. There is terrible uncertainty. Businesses are closing; employment is precarious; people are losing their homes. This is the reality that we are confronted with.

Why do I bring this point up? To start, I feel for one to have that round-the-clock lifestyle, one must find a Master in a financial position to support the both of them. This offers the freedom of complete service to that one person. A slave could then spend his or her day doing whatever the Master so chose. To me, this is true 24/7.

However, as mentioned, few of us fit into that category. Where does this leave us? We all know that employment is often required by a slave to assist in making ends meet. Thus, she is performing service to his or her Master since it is that person's benefit that is at stake. However, I don't feel this is complete 24/7 since a slave is under someone else's control.

Many seem to miss this fact of reality. I see this all the time with the online people. They make blanket statements about complete control and domination. That is achievable if you are in a position to financially maintain the relationship. However, if you expect him or her to work, that person's employer is in control. It is naive to think that you will be able to assert your influence while he or she is working. During those hours, you own nothing in effect. Someone else is calling the shots. Again, this is just reality.

What Is Ownership

Does this mean only the financially well-off are able to achieve a 24/7 M/s relationship? The answer is "no". It is possible for any of us to live this way if we so choose. It only requires some understanding of what it means to "own".

To illustrate this point, I will use marriage as an example. When a couple is married, are they married only when they are together with each other? Of course not. Even when they are separated, people are still united in matrimony. In addition, even in those situations where they choose to live an open lifestyle, they are still in wedlock while with others. The marriage doesn't cease simply because of physical or sexual separation.

Another example, is your automobile. Is this something that you still own even when you loan it to a friend. Again, the answer is "yes". The title does not change simply because someone borrowed it from you. You are still responsible for having it insured and, depending on what happens, could be liable for damages. However, even though you own it, you are not in control when someone else is using it. He or she is calling the shots.

Owning a slave is the same. One's ownership does not end simply because that person goes to work. When my slave sets foot into her place of business, I am still her owner. However, during her work hours, I have no say whatsoever about what she does. The control exerted over her belongs to the person who manages her. It is not me. Nevertheless, she is just as owned as when she is at home performing tasks for me.

The Beneficiary

In the end, I am the one who benefits. It was my choice to send her to work and the option of having her quit remains with me. Of course, as a responsible Master, if I select this route, I need to accept the consequences. Too often people want to blame another for a choice he or she made. Being a Master entails assuming personal responsibility for what happens.

There is a saying in the BDSM community that property cannot own property. What this means is that true slave cannot own anything. This is the line that separates those who honestly live this lifestyle as opposed to a deeper form of role play. A true slave will have nothing of his or her own. Everything that person has is granted by the Master with the understanding it can be taken at anytime.

Getting back to the work environment, wages are paid in return for the efforts made. In this, I am the beneficiary of my slave's work. All wages paid, even though they come in her name, belong to me. She is working to offer financial support which makes my life easier. And, ultimately, that is what a slave is suppose to do.

Few Truly Can Do It

Of late, I come across many articles spelling out the dangers of entering this lifestyle with the fairytale, romantic ideas in one's mind. Too many seem to buy into the nirvana of M/s that is espoused online. The reality of this lifestyle is far more difficult. I see so many who state they are slaves yet fail to meet the standard when viewed through the extreme nature of this lifestyle.

Are you willing to give up everything you have? Do you like the idea of having nothing except what your Master gives you? Many will say yes until they realize how big a concept this is. What if your Master told you to throw out that high school yearbook? Or the family album with all your picture? How would you like him or her to take all your physical assets? What if he or she told you that custody of your children needed to go to the ex? Could you handle all these? My belief is that most cannot.

Now, I am not claiming that all Masters will go to these lengths. I am simply mentioning what is possible. For example, I personally never get/got involved with the children of anyone I owned. I believe they are not my area of responsibility. That area of a slave's life is off limits to me by choice. Those children have a father and it is not me. This is how I handle things. However, not all will take that approach.

Of course, I feel obligated to mention, since common sense seems to be in low supply, one must know who he or she is dealing with before moving to this stage. Many will claim that they have no problem being a slave and giving it all over. After chatting with a guy (or girl) for a couple of weeks, it is not a good idea to liquidate your 401K. Use some sense when approaching this life.

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

This will create some controversy, but M/s entails a total exchange of power. Everything I wrote about thus far today exhibits this point. All assets, decisions, and property is with the Master. A slave has nothing other than what is decided for him or her. Again, few seem capable of going to this length.

Does that mean everyone does? Certainly not. There are many who use variations on this idea with great success. People are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. For some reason, new people seem to feel that not achieving a full fledged M/s relationship means they are failures. It appears that people believe in a hierarchy with M/s ranking higher than D/s. This is not so. One is not better than the other, they are simply different. D/s allows a sub more say in what transpires in her life. The exchange of power is limited.

Those who live a 24/7 M/s relationship choose to engage in that total power exchange. They feel that surrendering completely is the path for them. It is crucial that one is aware of all that can transpire by making this choice. There are times when it is a difficult road to travel for both parties. However, for those designed for this particular way of life, there is no place that feels more natural.

So, if you are questioning the validity of living as a 24/7 slave, take comfort in knowing that it is possible. There are many who are doing this as we speak. However, finding the right situation might take some time. Be patient on your search. The right person will show up at the appropriate time.

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March 23, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Edges, a community dungeon in the San Fransisco area, is facing foreclosure due to requirements by the local government. This can be avoided if they complete a study which will cost in the neighborhood of $20,000.

Please check this out for more information.

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Interested In BDSM?

I decided to take a turn back to the beginning. The problem with being involved with something for so long is that we often forget what it was like in the beginning. Today, I am going to write a "retro" post about the early stages of one's BDSM life.

The Pictures Look Nice

Most of us, in the era, come across the BDSM world via the Internet. We are surfing around and come across a site that has some interesting pictures on it. There we find people who are tied up in a variety of sexual positions while being dominated by another. This catches out attention. Over the next few days, we begin to consider what it would be like to experience something like that. Thus, our search begins.

Sexual imagery is what is promoted by those who are seeking to profit online. We have to be honest to the fact that a large percentage of online surfers are seeking sex related activities. Studies are continually done which proves this. Our way of life is no exception.

This brings us to the first challenge: the BDSM lifestyle can entail a great deal more than just sex. There are other facets to this way of life that go a lot deeper than an orgasmic afternoon. However, that is not to say that either starting BDSM in the sexual arena or only pursuing it that far is wrong. Truly, there is no right and wrong in this way of life. We are people who seek to satisfy our needs. Developing a course of action that works for you is important.


I mention this at this point in the conversation for the simple reason that many are presently involved in relationships (vanilla) when they happen upon this lifestyle. I cannot tell you how many have contacted me asking what suggestions I have for making the husband/wife into a dominant (it always seems the submissive types are asking that). Sadly, my experience is that one is not going to change someone into something that he or she is not. Training one to be dominant or submissive when they lack that naturally is usually a dead-end path.

Does this mean that you throw in the towel before getting started? Absolutely not. What is important is for you to communicate your desires with your significant other. My only suggestion here is to start slowly. That is one of the reasons why entering the sexual arena works so well. It is easy to disguise BDSM as just "spicing up the sex life". Many couples experiment with ropes, scarfs, and spankings. While they might not be aware, they are actually engaging in a light form of BDSM play. They are involved without even knowing it.

Discussing things with your partner enables you to monitor his or her reception to things. Most people are up for some additional sexual stimulus. However, there is a big jump from there into a full blown M/s relationship. Many steps need crossing along the way. Open lines of communication allow you to proceed together towards the desired end.

*If you presently find that you are not involved in a relationship, then you path is a bit easier. You have the advantage of making the decision solely for yourself. Your challenge is to find a BDSM partner to share things with. This will be explained in a future post.


This is where I find a double-edged sword exists. There is a saying that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. No truer words were ever written about many of the people in the BDSM community. They are absolute fruits. For whatever reason, they have an idea in their minds that reading a couple of sites puts them at the level of expert. These are the ones who are truly dangerous.

The other factor about the Internet is that there is a great deal of garbage out there written by people who have no clue. Any idiot can become a blogger (look at me). Simply sign up with Google, get a free blog, and you are off and running. However, this will not mean that you have anything applicable to say. And, that is what I find happens in this way of life. There are people who proclaim to be slaves without a single idea what that truly means. They are calling themselves slaves while exemplifying a dominant attitude.

Nevertheless, I urge you to read all you can. At present, I have over 300 posts on this site. Therefore, I feel it a great place to start your research. My experience is related from the last 10+ years living this lifestyle as a Master. Nothing I write is conjecture. It is just my experience. This will provide a foundation to base other information against. We all need reference points and I can offer some to you.

After that, sure different BDSM blogs seeking people sharing their experience. The wonderful benefit to this is that we all do not have the same experience. Reading another Master's words gives you a perspective that I might not have. Compare the different ideas to see what words for you.

Another fact is that commonalities will emerge the more you read. Like anything. there are basics in this lifestyle. We use terms that are different from the mainstream. Understanding what these terms mean helps to converse intelligently with those in the lifestyle.

Seek those with knowledge out. There are many sites that have chatrooms or forums packed with the ideas and experiences of others. One site that I set up was done in an effort to parlay the knowledge of others to those seeking (you can find it here).

If you are one of those who is embarking on this path with another, have him or her read similar information. Compare and contrast what you unearth with the natural desires that each of you has. It is not uncommon to find that two subs or two doms are involved with each other. This might create a problem if you are looking for the other to compliment you. Learning these tidbits only comes as a result of communicating the knowledge that you both gain.

Take Your Time

This is the best suggestion anyone can ever give when it comes to this way of life. Many get a quick taste of this lifestyle and want to dive headlong into it. This is how people get hurt. There are many pitfalls which can cause serious damage if one is not careful. Dealing with someone who is not as knowledgeable as he or she professes has let more than one person down. Also, even the most experienced have to be ever mindful of how they are approaching a scene. Safety is always the highest concern.

There is no race here. Resist the desire to go from novice to complete "pain slut" (one of those terms you will have to look up). There is no reward in rushing forward. The price of falling can be great. Follow these steps outlined here to ensure a healthy approach to this way of life. In a couple of months, things will become clearer to you. This will enable you to make better decisions.

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March 22, 2010

Judgment of Others

Over the last week or so I wrote a few posts regarding the importance of maintaining a low profile. Many have the urge to proclaim their lifestyle choice to anyone who will listen. Sadly, this often leads to unexpected trouble from those who lack the understanding about what we are into.

A case that recently made news is the polygamist group that was out in Texas. Last year the authorities raided them in an effort to stop the child abuse that was occurring. This specific organization evidently believed that arranged marriages with underage children was appropriate. Therefore, the government brought child molestation charges against many of the members.

Here is an article that tells how one of the participants was just sentenced to 75 years in jail. This man married a 15 year old which was enough to get him the harsh sentence. According to the article, 8 others are awaiting trial.

So, what is my beef you ask? I am not going to ever defend a child molester. Whether one is acting in the name of God or the Devil, abusing children is never acceptable. This man deserves everything he gets. However, this is not garnered my interest. The fact that this sect, with a couple hundred members is in the news is what strikes me as odd. Why is this national news?

The simple answer is because they are polygamists. Mainstream likes to make examples out of people who live differently from the norm. Polygamists were targets for prosecution for decades. Simply by following what they believe true for them, they risk being arrested and jailed. These cases from Texas have little to do with child molestation as compared to maintaining the social order of things.

If you think that I am off my rocker on this, compare this situation to one that had similar activities. The only difference between the two is the size of the organization and how socially acceptable it is. Think back to the news that broke about the decades of abuse committed by members of the Catholic Church. Sure, there was an uproar. But, proportionately speaking, the sentencing was minor compared to the amount of crimes that occurred. If thousands of kids were abused by a bunch of polygamists, the nation would be ready to execute. Priests from the Catholic Church do it and it is mostly swept under the carpet.

This is the reality of society. Anyone who tries to deny this fact is only putting him or herself in jeopardy. We live in an alternative lifestyle. It is that simple. People, for the most part, will not accept us. They cannot help to judge us through the prism of their world. The average person believes how he or she lives is correct while anything outside that boundary is incorrect (immoral). BDSM definitely fits into that category.

Here we have another example of why maintaining our secrecy in terms of our lifestyle choice is crucial. Trust me when I tell you there are forces out there who will like to make an example out of you. The news stories are appearing on a regular basis. Pay attention so that you are not one who finds yourself in front of a judge.

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March 21, 2010

The Online Charade

This is a post that some people will disagree with. However, I spent a lot of time on different sites over the last few years. This, coupled with my decade of experience in this BDSM lifestyle, gives me insight that most lack. Sharing this combined experience so as to give people an idea about what is going on is what my goal is. Please consider this before you decide these ideas foolhardy.

People who are online have every motivation under the sun. There are people who are seeking to just pass the time. Others are trying to learn about a particular topic or subject. Some want to get their rocks off while others looking for something meaningful. These various motives need to be considered when you are chatting with someone.

The Internet

The advent of the Internet changed the complexion of the BDSM lifestyle forever. Today, we are still an alternative lifestyle that is still not accepted by the mainstream. However, I believe that we have left the days where we were "underground". My feeling is the World Wide Web is responsible for this transformation. Individuals now have a place to turn to find out about what we are into. This is remarkably easier than the olden days when personally knowing someone was about the only way to gain insight.

Before going any further, I will categorically state my beliefs with this new medium. The Internet offers two advantages that anyone can put into practice to gain immediate benefit. First, like was just mentioned, the educational opportunities are limitless. Knowledge is much easier to come by since we have posted so much online. A new person can spend a few weeks reading blogs like this and gain an enormous amount of intelligence pertaining to this way of life. This is something that accelerated only because of the 'Net.

The second advantage is that the Internet allows you to find and interact with people who you normally would not be able to access. In the olden days, the odds of gaining insight from someone from the UK if you were in America was slim. In fact, unless one was in your local BDSM community, the odds were you never would encounter him or her. Interaction was relegated to only a few traditional channels. Again, the Web changed all that.

The Downside

As great as this advancement was for our community, it also offered up some downfalls that we see today. This downside, in my opinion, results in the infliction of pain on many who are unsuspecting. Warning people of these dangers is a top priority for me. Those who take exception to what I write can go spin on a bottle. The truth is people are being seriously hurt in many different ways.

To start, the Internet is a communication tool. It is a medium that allows you to connect with another person. However, it is not real. Those who believe what they experience is true needs to take a look at that. Too often, I see the results of people falling for the fairy tale that is presented.

As I mentioned, there are many different motivations for being online. To presume that someone is in a chat room or forum for the same reason as you is insane. They are not. The vast percentage of people are seeking something different than the one who is seriously looking to find a valid person. My estimates have that as high as 95%.

While many feel that having fun and interacting online is a great way to pass the time, I see those who take it too far. Getting emotionally attached to someone whom you do not have any other contact with is setting yourself up for a downfall. The Internet offers everyone anonymity. Many use this to pass themselves off as something they are not because of the fact that nobody can see them. Simply read a few blog posts and you have enough to pass yourself off as an expert. This is where those who believe what they have is real are in jeopardy of tremendous hurt.

The Charade

When it comes to BDSM, I can tell you that most of what is online is a complete charade. There are many who are proclaiming to be something they are not. That is the bottom line. While not discounting the medium, I will state that I do not believe that anyone who has an online relationship has anything more than a potential relationship. I will not say the person that is being interacted with is not real. However, I will say that further proof is needed.

I was reminded when chatting with someone who was relating to me her experiences with online Doms. She said that they were so ridiculous in what they were doing. This I can believe. She mentioned that one wanted her to not interact with any other Doms and be celibate to him. This might make sense in a real time relationship. Yet, this person was in a different country altogether. Fortunately, she was astute enough to realize the facade of this person.

This brings up another point. What is this sub agreed to his demands. Suppose she said that she would not be with anyone else. How is he to know? The answer is he can not. It reminds me of a post I read where one explained of a person she knew who took the collar of 13 Masters online. Obviously, this person is a fake but I can guarantee that at least 10 of those guys thought what they had was real. The proof is in the numbers.

Just because I proclaim myself an astronaut does not make it so. The same is true for BDSM. I suggest you look for the charade that people are playing. Even if they are earnest in their statements, the odds are that the experience and abilities lack. I came across so many who said they were slaves only to conclude they were not. I believe these people were truthful with their beliefs. However, they lacked the real world application to know that it wasnt true. It takes a great deal more than a belief to live as a 24/7 slave.

The Next Step

If you are dealing with someone who is true and real, congratulations. However, I would suggest that you rapidly more the relationship to the traditional level of interaction. Before doing that, I feel you are at the potential level. There might be something to build upon between the two of you. However, moving it offline is needed. Without that, you are just living an online fantasy.

How is this accomplished? Simple. Start to use the other forms of communication. That is your next step. I will caution to do this only after you are certain that it is safe to reveal some of your personal information. My tendency is to start phone interaction as soon as it is appropriate. Without talking to someone in real time, there is little to decipher. Lots will get lost in the online communication. Talking with someone allows you to uncover different things. If you feel hesitant to give out your phone number, then use the voice mechanism on something like Yahoo Messenger. This allows for real time interaction while protecting your identity.

After that, I would say most are capable of nurturing the relationship along. When you feel it right, perhaps arrange an in person meeting. This is naturally easier if you are in the same area. However, many travel to other towns, states, or countries for a weekend (week) visit. This will allow for the real time interaction to grow. It is at these points that you honestly know you are dealing with someone real. Then, the charade is over. Either one is what he or she proclaims, or is not. You will know definitively at this point. However, that will never happen as long as you remain engaged in the online game.

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March 20, 2010

Role Playing In BDSM

The subject of role playing is something that is a touchy subject among many within the BDSM community. There are some who are true believers that people are to "live" this lifestyle. Therefore, they feel that there is no place for people who want to pretend.

I am not one who is in this particular camp. While I do "live" this way of life, I also understand how BDSM is flexible. It can be contoured to meet the needs of many regardless of how involved they make it. This includes those who want to engage in role playing exercises as a means of sprucing up the sex life.

Role playing is a way that many people enhance their interaction. Most times it is a bit of harmless fun designed to fulfill some desires. Interestingly, it is just as common in the traditional world as it is in BDSM. Many couples assume roles during sex. We all have heard of the doctor/nurse, boss/secretary, and officer/prisoner fantasies.

The BDSM community takes things a little bit further. We take the officer/prisoner fantasy and accessorize it with actual handcuffs, cages, and whips. Also, the rights granted under the Geneva convention are not applied to our prisoners. Punishments are harsh and severe. The roles played are used to satisfy the S&M side of these individuals.

I must state that not everyone who engages in role playing goes to the extreme. Some merely use the domination/submission as a means of sexual enhancement. In my mind, these people are truly involved in BDSM. While they might not live the D/s lifestyle, they have crossed the line outside the vanilla. The fact that they re-enter after orgasm is not important to me.

Role playing is also a way for people to "get their feet wet". Few can enter with the idea of instantly moving into a 24/7 M/s relationship. There is a period of adjustment for one who is learning about this lifestyle. I am one who knows how different we are from the traditional world. It often takes time for people to recondition themselves as to what they want. Society promotes only the heterosexual vanilla idea. We offer something that is more diverse. Early on, we encounter concepts that require an adjustment of thinking. Role playing allows one to open his or her mind in stages.

The next time you hear someone spouting off how role playing is not true BDSM, ask that person to explain exactly what that means. To me, anyone who enters into our activities, regardless of the depth he or she goes to, is involved with us. It is best if we start living with the idea of inclusion as opposed to exclusion. Failing to do so makes us just like those we rail against.

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March 19, 2010

BDSM Foundation: Consensual

The motto for the BDSM community is Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This is the guideline that many people follow. There are some who dispute the validity of it, but I would say they are in the minority.

Have you ever considered what consensual means? To me, this is what negates all arguments against this way of life. BDSM is something that we all agree to. If there is not consent on the part of both parties, then I do not consider that a legitimate BDSM interaction. When lines are crossed, that is abuse; pure and simple.

Some of the actions that take place within this way of life are pretty extreme. The images that are posted do an adequate job reflecting this to the general public. While I maintain this is not the majority of the lifestyle, it is a big enough factor to consider. People engage in activities that are painful. Outsiders will wrongly conclude that one is being abused. Most times, this is not the case.

The analogy that fits the best is comparing consensual sex to rape. Anyone can determine the difference between the two. Here we have two actions that are the same, sexual intercourse, but outcomes that are radically different. Rape is a horrible experience that scars one while consensual sex will leave a much better impression.

BDSM is the same way. A sub who consents to being tied up and whipped is not a victim. That person is a willing participant in something that produces pleasure for him or her. As long as the boundaries are maintained, both people involved are satisfied. This is sharply different from abuse. One who has those boundaries crossed is victimized. Thus, a pleasurable experience turns into a painful one. The same action has a different outcome.

The naysayers proclaim that we are sick people for behaving in such a manner. My feeling is that adults are free to do as they wish so long as consent is involved. D/s and M/s relationships are built upon the foundation of consent. Parties negotiate what they are requiring of the other person. Agreements are spelled out with unacceptable behavior duly noted. As long as both parties adhere to what is agreed upon, victimization is virtually eliminated.

Let us know what your views are on this topic.

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March 17, 2010

Outting Oneself

I wrote a number of posts over the last few months relating to this topic. However, today someone posted some evidence on my social BDSM community which illustrates what happens when we advertise the lifestyle choices we make.

Before reading any further, check out his post here. It is rather short and wont take but a moment to read.

They Do Not Understand

Can you believe what you just read? I certainly can. This post shows how dangerous it is for one to mention the choice to live in the BDSM lifestyle. The simply fact is that most of society does not understand the options we select. In fact, they feel that we are mentally unstable and in need of psychiatric help. The BDSM way of life is a ticket to the loony bin according to the mainstream "experts".

Personally, I am one who believes all promoters of dogma belong in the nuthouse. This includes those same government pukes who want to judge us while taking our children away. Of course, we cannot forget those religious fanatics who are holier than thou. Tell that to all the children molested by those "pure" priests. Their hypocrisy is legendary. Nonetheless, sometimes it is best for us to keep our mouths shut.

I see so many who want to tell all what they are into. I understand how there are some who are so thirsty for recognition that they will do anything to garner the attention. Again, this is a mistake when it comes to BDSM. The general public does not understand. They simply see images of online of women (mostly) tied up and beaten. They consider this cruel and immoral. Never do they take the time to understand subspace or the fact that all we do is based upon consent. Instead they forge ahead with the prosecution.

Leave Family Out Of It

I have a simple suggestion: leave your family out of every detail of your BDSM lifestyle. It is none of their business. Resist the temptation to tell anyone what you are into. This is doubly true if you have small children. As the story illustrates, there are forces out there who will take them from you. Defy this fact at your own risk. Those who think it cannot or will not happen to them ought to consider her. Do you think she would ever imagine that she would be in a battle for her kids over her lifestyle practices? I surmise she did not. Yet that is exactly where she finds herself.

Kids have no place in this way of life. If they are living in the house with you, play elsewhere. Anyone who is 24/7 live-in has to use some sense of what is appropriate in front of the children and what is not. Act like the adult you are suppose to be. Sex is not something that people do in while their kids are awake. The same is true for bondage, paddling, and other BDSM games. It is the adults responsibility to shield the children from these practices until they are of age when they are going to be making choices regarding their sexuality.

As bad as I feel for this woman, I cannot say that it surprises me at all. I know that this is how we are treated by the mainstream. Anyone who is naive enough to believe things like this do not happen probably deserves whatever he or she gets. The warning signs are all over the place if you lack the commonsense to take matters into your own hands. If you still are missing them, I will spell it out again: Leave your family out of your BDSM lifestyle. Keep it private for the benefit of all involved. It is that simple.

If you are one who decides to advertise yourself all over the place: STOP! This means removing all specific references to family on adult sites. Take all your BDSM accessories and lock them in a safe place out of young prying eyes. Secure all photos of yourself and others in compromising positions (remember teenagers are more skilled at the computer than you so be careful). Approach your life as if it is a big secret. Failure to do so might find you in a similar position as this woman. I can guarantee that you do not want to try to explain the pleasure you receive from a whipping to a judge in front of your family. That has disaster spelled all over it.

Now, if you missed it everywhere else, your are WARNED.

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March 16, 2010

Worthy By Showing Respect

I am going to write this post from the dominant perspective. Please bear in mind, much of what I state here can be equally applied to a Dom/Master. This is not a one-sided idea that only pertains to the submissive one.

Do you show respect? This is a question that is only answered by looking at ones actions. Sadly, my only conclusion is that most do not have respect. Instead, they pay lip service to an idea because they feel it proper. Telling me you respect me and acting in accordance to that ideal are two entirely different matters. Those who bridge the two are those worthy of being owned.

I come across so many who are absolutely pathetic. There is no other way to describe them. They are miserable failures in every manner. Just knowing these people are in public makes my skin crawl. To me, they are not worth even giving the time of day. In short, they add nothing to life.

Does this sound harsh? Absolutely. But this is a matter that I feel very strongly about. The BDSM lifestyle is fabricated in its online presentation. There is little that happens in the imagery on the web that has to do with BDSM. Pictures of whips and chains are nice; however they do little to tell the real story of what a BDSM relationship is all about.


A relationship is an interaction between two people. It is that simple. The feelings that we have in a particular relationship is what distinguishes it from other. BDSM is no different. We have deep emotional connections to some (such as a Master or slave) while feeling less for others (someone we just play with occasionally). Obviously, those who make the commitment by choosing a life such as M/s are willing to experience and work through the different feelings that comes with that type of interaction.

That being said, part of the deal is to position oneself so as to make the other person proud. While this might sound a bit superficial, there is a methodology which will show how deep this can go. The actions one takes is what reveals his or her true feelings towards another. Of course, this can often be predicated upon the actions the other person took. Everything we do has consequences. It is important to remember this fact. Monitoring our behaviors help to create positive results.

What We Can Change

In my book Sexual Motivation, I mentioned that there were 4 things that a person needed to focus upon to make oneself more attractive sexually which are also the same criteria that society judges success. Focusing our efforts on these four areas creates a new motivation and success record that will improve anyone's life. One area that I mentioned was the physical makeup of a person. This is one area that we have the ability to change.

That being said, being involved in a BDSM relationship, or more specifically, a M/s relationship, entails showing respect for one's Master. This means one will need to alter behavior so as to act in an appropriate manner. In other words, a slave needs to focus upon doing those things that will make her Master proud. Acting to the contrary tells me that she lacks the respect for not only him, but herself.

Munches can be a lot of fun for those who are into that type of thing. However, since they are in public settings, are you behaving in a way that shows the proper respect for your Master? From the actions that I have witnessed over the years, I will say that is a negative. Many simply behave pathetically when in the presence of others.

How we act in circumstances is something that we can control. While factors such as height and eye color are outside our realm of influence, what we say and do in front of others is not. Focusing on behaving in a respectful manner is of extreme importance. It is the actions that show how you feel a lot more than the words that you utter.

More Than Sir

Many believe that simple calling one Master or Sir is being respectful. That is not respect, that is indoctrination. The military does it all the time. Calling someone a particular title means that you can remember to utter something in a particular way. In this regard, at least you are equal to a parrot. However, this fails to show any respect whatsoever. Hell, all the online fakes sit there spewing "Sir" all day. They have no respect for the people they are chatting with. In fact, many of them are getting their rocks off thinking how absurd it all is. Therefore, the word Sir means nothing.

What shows respect? To answer this, I will tell you to look at the total package from outside of yourself. Simply, how do you think others will view you in different settings? Once you see that, is that is something that a Dom or Master will be proud of? Or, are you an embarrassment of the highest degree? While it might be difficult, I would urge you to be honest. Your relationship is riding upon this very thing.

A slave who has respect for her Master will do everything in her power to ensure that her "presentation" in front of others is in top form. She will dress appropriately. Her body will be cleaned and well maintained. Her every intention is to have him be able to tell anyone "she is mine".

I am reminded of a story one told me about a couple of women she worked with who got into a fist fight in the office. These young twenty-somethings behaved like a bunch of street thugs. Now, this might be a reflection of me getting old, but that is not behavior that I would be proud to have my "girl" engaging in. To me, this is an outright embarrassment to anyone remotely involved with these women.

The same idea holds true for this way of life. When one is behaving in a juvenile fashion, especially in front of others who are in this lifestyle, she is a reflection on her Master. Some might think her immaturity funny; then again, some might not. If I am one sitting there watching, I will think less of that Master because of the behavior of his slave. The same is true if she is dressed like a slob with messy hair and looks (smells) like she hasn't bathed in a month. This all reflects upon the Master in my opinion. A slave needs to take extreme caution to ensure her "presentation" is the best.

*As stated, this idea holds equally true for the dominant person also. So many think that being dominant entitles them to act like total assholes. That is not being dominant, that is being an asshole. There is a major difference. Someone acting like the later will not garner respect from anyone. Certainly, this will not come from a slave who is worth a damn. Those who have healthy self-confidence will not want to associate with a jerk. It is possible to be dominant and respectful at the same time.

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March 14, 2010

Keeping Things Quiet

This is a subject that keeps appearing on my social networking BDSM site. I am continually amazed how many people still decide to advertise their choices to anyone who will listen. While understandable from the newer people, it is baffling to see more experienced people do this.

The BDSM lifestyle is considered alternative for a reason. Obviously, we are not in the mainstream. The traditional model is really the only one that the majority of society is willing to accept. Anything outside those bounds means there is something wrong with the person electing to live that we. As you will see, there is often a price to pay.

Polyamory is something that I am very familiar about. It you are uncertain what it means, do a search on that keyword and read up on it. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that I, along with many others in BDSM, are polyamorous. Nevertheless, this is another lifestyle that requires secrecy.

I recently read a story about a family that appeared on national television on a show about the polyamorous lifestyle. Naturally, this revealed to everyone the way this family lived. Needless to say, since children were involved in this polyamorous family, some were not thrilled. In fact, a lawsuit ensued filed by the children's grandparents. The hub (the female in this instance) was forced to give up her children because of the revelation that she was living in a poly relationship.

While this is a different lifestyle, the concept holds true for BDSM. Many will not understand the bruises on your thighs or ass. Therefore, do not advertise them at the family reunion. Living as a slave is not recognized as a conceivable lifestyle choice, thus do not proclaim it. The lack of understanding by the average person is enormous. Sadly, it is something that most will never comprehend so explanations are futile.

Many state that they are only concerned about your happiness. However, this is not true in the majority of the cases. What they really want is your to be happy as long as your choices meet up with their expectations. Defy that and you will see how disappointed people get. The aforementioned example shows this. As long as the daughter was monogamous, everything was okay as far as the grandparents were concerned. Opt for something different, and suddenly this person is unfit to be a mother. That is how the world works.

Advertising yourself serves no merit. Those who do are usually empty trying to fill a void. They lack something within themselves, thus they need to create a persona that fits whatever is rattling around in their head. Online interaction makes this easy to do. The anonymity of the Internet allows anyone to be anything. We see this everyday in chatrooms around the world. People instantly are transformed into whatever they conjure by filling out a profile. Reality is not important in this instance.

I often write how safety is the most important issue we need to deal with. At every moment, we need to be mindful of the safety of all who are involved. Part of this is protecting oneself and one's family from the intrusions of those who do not understand. It only takes one vengeful person, and your life could be ruined. I will grant that most of us will not end up on national television. However, the Internet has just as many prying eyes. You never know who will check out your profile.

Testing the validity of my theory will come at a price. If you believe that you are immune from such intrusions, think again. There are countless stories appearing in mainstream publications of BDSM gone wrong. Failing to take protective measures leads to suffering. In an instant, someone is revealed to be a part of this lifestyle. It could be at the hands of the police, media, or a business associate. Either way, people are put in uncomfortable positions if they are not careful.

Getting excited about finding this way of life is a wonderful thing to do. Nevertheless, one's desire to proclaim one a "slave" or "Master" must be tempered. Failing to do so will lead to prying eyes. Trust me on this one and take this suggestion to heart. There is no need to advertise your new found lifestyle. It will serve you no good in the long run. Those who are in this lifestyle will learn about you without going to that length.

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March 12, 2010

What Is Real?

This lifestyle uses the term 'real time' to distinguish those who live this lifestyle in person as opposed to online. Obviously, from the terminology, the in person relationships are more real. Hence, online is called a virtual community. It mimics real life but is not quite reality. At least this is the common presumption.

All this leads to question what is real? Many claim that online relationships are every bit as real as those offline. They assert that all the emotions felt in person are experienced within an online relationship. Therefore, in their estimation, online BDSM is just as valid as offline.

To me, this is an argument that does not hold true. I find it ironic that people treat BDSM interaction this way when they will not do the same in the traditional world. Let me ask this, have you ever heard of an online marriage? Certainly it is possible that people engage in this behavior in different chatrooms. However, would anyone in their right mind justify it as real? I think most rational people would claim that an online marriage is a farce when compared to the realities of marriage in general. You married people know exactly what I am talking about.

Nevertheless, this is just one man's opinion. What is real for someone else is not for me to say. However, I can tell you that many people I encounter online, when meeting them in person, seem to lack the social skills necessary to interact in person. They behave in immature ways while exhibiting behavior that could require some professional help. It seems as if they exist to live online because it allows them to escape the responsibility of dealing with real life.

Certainly a case could be made that these people are experiencing life as they see it. The fact that it is online should not make a difference. However, people in psychiatric hospitals also experience life through their own eyes. Again, most would say that these people have something wrong with them.

This brings me to another situation: what about the one who is waiting around for him or her to return? This reminds me of the one who became an old maid waiting for someone to sweep her away. Even if one knew another in person, waiting for them to return might be considered unreal behavior. Many go off to war only to send home 'Dear John' letters because they met someone else (or receive them while in the service). Is it worth waiting around for another?

Obviously this answer depends upon the situation. My first question is 'what did you really have before'. A wild weekend of sex does not mean that one will return to you. I remember a girl I knew in college who feel 'head over heels' for a guy who visited from up north on Spring Break. She was convinced that he wanted her since she gave him her virginity. Of course, she was crushed a couple of months later after he finally told her that she was nothing more than a fun time.

What was real? Even though she met him in person, her expectations of him returning to her were way off base. She was involved in a deeply committed relationship while he was into getting laid. This minor difference made for a total waste of time on her part. Her fantasy was smashed when he hit her in the face with reality. How often do we see this online? The revelation of the truth often pops that self-generated ideal in our minds. Whether it is misleading or mis-communication, people are often filled with ideas that are separate from reality.

My opinion is this is what happens in the online BDSM relationships. To start, the greatest percentage of them are filled with people who are complete fakes. They are into role playing, online sex games, or getting their rocks off by taking someone for a ride. Whatever their motivation, the simple fact is that one is not dealing with the truth. Hence, the entire relationship is a farce since it is built upon a lie.

After that, the remaining relationships usually entail people who are not completely sure what they are looking for. There are many facets to BDSM and matching desires up is a crucial component of success. Unfortunately, most are only being exposed to much of this for the first time. Therefore, they have little knowledge about what they want. Instead, they are taking the dangerous path of searching while being involved with another. This is often a recipe for disaster.

Knowing oneself is the most important block for a successful BDSM relationship. Until you are certain what you are looking for, it is impossible to seek out those who can fulfill those desires. Being dominant or submissive is not enough. You need to be clear about what level you are looking to operate on. Do you wish to live 24/7? If so, what kind of relationship is best for you? What are your limits that you refuse to surpass? How will you adapt to fit into what you are seeking? These are all basic questions that I think most overlook.

Ask yourself what is reality. I think you will surprised at what you find as the answer. I encounter so many who believe that role playing is living the life. To me, that is acting. Living in a BDSM relationship means that you are completely involved to the point agreed upon. Simply donning some leather and claiming to be a Master or slave, as an example, does not cut it. Reality means that you are so much more than that if you are to be true to another. Think about this for a while.

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March 9, 2010

Freedom is at the Core

To me, BDSM means freedom. This might seem strange in a lifestyle that has bondage and slavery as components to it. However, this particular way of life, for those who choose it, is freedom. It is a conscious choice that someone made to live life a particular way. That is what freedom is all about.

I write often about the social conditioning that we are all subject to. Starting at an early age, we are all programmed how to think about certain thinks. In the Western culture, we are taught that a 'relationship' should be made up of a man and a woman who are loyal to each other. Sex is sacred meaning that it is shared only between those who are in 'love'. Anything outside these bounds is considered immoral.

We hear this dogma taught everywhere we turn. Those who learn the lesson well will go through life believing these ideas are the path to happiness. Now, in the quest to be fair, this is the proper path for many. However, my belief is that the freedom is achieved as a result of the choice as opposed to the end result.

BDSM is all about freedom. In fact, the case can be made that any alternative lifestyle is an exercise in freedom. Anything that goes against the norm typically requires a conscious choice. It takes courage in many instances since ridicule and being ostracized is often the result. Nevertheless, one who consciously chooses is freeing his or her mind from the prevailing conditioning.

Few ever look at their belief system. Instead, they blindly obey whatever is served up to them. To me, this is insanity. The simple fact is that there is no way one particular model of living will be successful for everyone. In fact, I could argue that the present 'normal' model doesn't work for the majority with a divorce rate approaching 60%. In the end, we are all responsible for choosing what works for us.

Freedom is something I hold true. I desperately seek this in all areas of my life. Being contained in any manner is repulsive to me. Sadly, this is the state that I believe many live in without realizing it. Freedom is a lot more than works written on some old document. It is having the courage to choose my life however I see fit. Obviously, there are many who I might clash with. That is okay. People have the choice of accepting me and the options I select or removing themselves from my life. Many choose the later. Being true to myself is sometimes a rough road to navigate.

BDSM offers the options that I sought out for so many years. Because it is such a wide and versatile way of life, there is something appealing for most people. One can opt for the light end of things such as spankings, bondage, and other sexual activities or a person can select the more extreme like M/s or full body suspension. Whatever someone's taste, we have a flavor for you. Your responsibility lies in determining your own preferences. The choice is yours but you are the one who must exercise it.

If you truly believe that you want freedom in your life, I would suggest that you begin by looking at the ideas that you 'default?' to in your mind. What is your idea of an ideal relationship? How is it structured? What does it look like? Begin to look outside the norm of society. Your happiness might just be found on the fringe. I know mine was.

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March 8, 2010

Different Alternative Lifestyles

As one who lives and writes about alternative lifestyles, I am interested in the choices people make. Obviously, there is a great deal of mental conditioning that is overcome to break away from the traditional mindset. I believe this must be done before one is able to succeed in any type of alternative lifestyle. Once this is accomplished, however, it is amazing how quickly one will take to other lifestyles.

Sex is a tool that society uses to control the masses. We see this in the laws that our government establishes and the religious dogma that is drilled into us from the earliest days. Each of these bodies attempts to restrict what practices are engaged upon. In doing so, the conditioning forces one to forfeit freedoms he or she might otherwise enjoyed. Fear is the primary weapon used to implement obedient behavior. Failing to adhere to the established protocol ends in extreme punishment (jail or hell depending upon who is doing the preaching).

Alternative lifestyles do not fit into the mainstream ideal for living life. In fact, it is my opinion that the existence of these very ideas threatens the establishment and sends panic through their ranks. Have you ever noticed how intolerant the religious folks are for homosexuality? Are the churches the ones who are suppose to teach love and tolerance? I can only presume it is love and tolerance for what they declare within the boundaries of acceptability.

Freedom is something that a person needs to fight for. Breaking free from the old conditioning is a difficult process. However, the ability to do so will open up many different worlds to you. The first step is relinquishing the hold others have upon you.

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle that is fairly different from mainstream. However, it is something that is so versatile that it fits into many of the ideas that the traditional model has. For example, many within the BDSM community are married and share monogamous relationships. This is within the parameters that society deems acceptable.

Then there are the forms of BDSM which aren't within the mainstreams area of normalcy. People in this behavior face additional scrutiny because of their choices. Many take exception to the way some of our relationships are structured. They detest the openness that many opt for.

While BDSM is one aspect that people involved themselves in, it is not uncommon for these same people to be in other alternative lifestyles. Many within this way of life are gay or bisexual. That opens another arena that is contrary to the mainstream. Also, some of us like to engage in swinging as a recreational activity. Another lifestyle is that many are into polyamory in addition to open sex. Here they will have triads or quads established as the means for their relationship structure.

The point is that rarely do people fit into one category or another. Using myself as an example, I am a:

Dom (dominant type)
Levayan Satanist

These are just a few of the particular lifestyles that I am apt to frequent from time-to-time. Some of them are a regular part of my day while others are periodic. Nevertheless, as you can see, I am into a bunch of alternative lifestyles. Over the years, once I broke the traditional mindset, many different windows opened to me. As I explored further, I was able to engage in activities that many consider taboo without fear or guilt. My life is a lot freer in many regards than before simply because I am able to approach something different with an entirely open mind. This is something that I see non-existent in the traditional model.

Be mindful of the alternative lifestyles that you encounter. By embarking upon this journey, you will find that a new world of possibilities open to you. After all, this is your life so why not live it as you see fit.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

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