January 25, 2009

Traditional versus BDSM?

Few, if any, are shown the BDSM way of life while growing up. Instead, we are taught that the traditional model for relationships (i.e. marriage) is the path we are to follow. Most of us go down this path before we realize it is not for us. Sadly, we find out only after we are buried deep in the traditional lifestyle.

The Internet helped to spread the availability of information where people previously were without. Because of this medium, BDSM became a legitimate choice for many. We now can find photos, articles, and how-to help simply by using a search engine. People are learning more about this way of life than ever before.

However, this creates another situation that some have asked me about. What do you do if you are interested in this way of life yet have a significant other who is not? This issue becomes compounded when kids, mortgages, finances, and the rest is involved. Unfortunately, there is no single clearcut answer to this. Each situation is personal and up to the individuals involved.

One thing I always suggest is that people need to decide whether they want traditional or BDSM. While it is possible to implement aspects of BDSM into a traditional relationship, those who are faced with this dilemma are often looking to make a deeper step into the lifestyle. Unfortunately, they are often with partners who do not understand or are not interested. Nevertheless, until one is clear exactly what he or she wants, it is impossible to propose something to another.

So, again, do you want a traditional or BDSM lifestyle? This is something that only you can answer. To reach this conclusion, an internal search is required. Many tend to focus upon the outer circumstances to arrive at their decision. That is allowing one to get caught up in a situation as opposed to determining a true want. Looking inward will reveal whether you want BDSM or traditional. Once you arrive at that decision, you can start to make the other choices that go along with the transformation from one lifestyle to another.

Many will write to tell me how it is easy to say while almost impossible to do in person. I will acknowledge that fact. A situation like this, especially when children are involved, is never easy. Nor should it be taken lightly. However, once you decide that you truly want BDSM, then there are other options available. Whether one ultimately decides to pursue this will depend on what other decisions he/she is willing to make. Many decide to remain in the relationship they are in. Again, there is no rule to follow.

The bottom line is happiness. BDSM offers a way of life that makes many of us happy. We know this is the proper way for us to live our life. It is not something that is for everyone. Most, in fact, belong in traditional relationships. Nonetheless, for those of us who went that route and found it wanting, this seems to be a better fit.

To me, BDSM is about freedom. It allows me to be the person I am without having to pretend so as to fit into someone else's perception of a good relationship. Also, it is a way of life that affords me to be honest with those I am involved with. I do not have to sneak around having affairs because I want to be with someone else. It is all part of the way that I structured my life. Those who think differently do not have to associate with me. They can seek relationship with others. I am happy with the choices I made.

So, what is one to do if he or she is presently in a situation they do not desire? I would say the first step is to get honest with yourself. Realize that things might have changed over the years. Choices you made 5,10, or 20 years ago might not be valid for you today. We see this happen all the time in the business world. People choose a career only to determine they want to do something else. Healthy people follow their hearts. Let your insides guide you in this situation also.


If I said it once, I said it 1,000 times "everyone involved in BDSM is an individual and there is no one size fits all". It is astounding that people think there is a particular model that needs to be followed. If that were the case, shouldn't we apply the same standard to traditional relationships. To go one step further, please show me the handbook on marriage. There is not one. Marriages are successful when two individuals create an arrangement which works for them. BDSM is the same way.

Many choose to focus on the sexual aspect of this lifestyle first. Starting here, it is imperative to understand that not every Dom likes the same thing sexually. Some are into anal, others detest it. Some like poly, others monogamy. Some share their subs out, others do not. As you can see, the preferences vary from each person.

The same is true for subs. The easiest example is those who like pain versus those who do not. Obviously, the approach to each of these differs depending upon which type you are dealing with. Typical punishments with a pain slut will prove ineffective. The lesson on this type of individual might be lost if you decide to whip her. Instead of a punishment, she has received a reward.

We could extend this conversation to all aspects of the BDSM relationship. Every part is an interaction between two people. Just because something was effective (or enjoyable) with one in the past, does not mean that it is true for the present relationship. My suggestion is to take each one as it comes.

January 24, 2009

New Doms

There is a very interesting paradox which exists in the BDSM world that is not present in traditional relationships. By the very nature of BDSM, there is a dominant One and a submissive one. Also, because of the role which goes along with each, the Dom is responsible for the direction of the relationship. He (or she) is the one in control.

What creates the paradox is when a Dom (Domme) is new to the lifestyle. Whenever someone is new to anything, they know little about what needs to be done. This is no different. However, in BDSM, a sub is always looking to the Dom for guidance and strength. This is a difficult situation to navigate.

Sadly, Dom Training 101 was not an elective that people can take in school. Also, except for the rare instance where a parent is known to be involved in BDSM, turning to this person is not beneficial. So, where does One go to gain the knowledge of how to be a Dom?

The Internet is a wonderful method to gain knowledge. However, it is equally misleading since there is so much garbage written out there. Many who post things in chatrooms or forums are nothing more than fakes looking to get their rocks off at home. They are not into the lifestyle.

For me, I was trained by a sub. Needless to say, it was an interesting situation. I was fortunate to get with someone who had the patience to show me what she liked to have done. Over the couple of years we were together, I fumbled my way through different aspects of BDSM. Eventually, I was able to forge my own methodology for the way I interact with subs.

My point here is to be open to learning from wherever you can. My observation is that Doms tend to have a hangup about asking for help. They want to do it all on their own. I presume this is part of the character makeup which allows One to dominate. However, until One learns the basics, learning from others is extremely beneficial. Swallow the pride and admit that you know not what you are doing.

And relax, we were all new at one time.

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