September 27, 2011

Infinite Possibilities


I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

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September 20, 2011

How Wide Is BDSM?


Newer people can often get very confused about what BDSM is and how one fits into the "lifestyle". As I often state on this blog, my feeling is that the porn industry has a lot to do with this. It present imagery that becomes the defacto mindset of what BDSM is. Sadly, this is not the case. Ultimately, what they are presenting is intended to sell videos. BDSM encompasses a great deal more than just whips and chains.

From Light To Extreme

The videos and pictures we see present from organizations such as kink.com exhibit the extreme side of the BDSM world. There are many who are involved in these activities and living happily in that manner. However, that does not mean that everyone is cut out to be engaged in extreme behavior. In fact, most, especially when new, should avoid that at all costs. It is crucial to remember the people creating those videos are trained professionals who know what they are doing and take measures to ensure safety at all times. Extreme play is not something that newer people should even consider. It is built up to over time.

But what about those who do not desire the extreme aspect of things? Often, I come across people who feel they are not suited for BDSM because of the imagery presented. What is ironic is many of them already engage in BDSM behavior.

Ask most people if they have spanked a lover or partner during sex and you will most likely get an affirmative. Take it a step further and probe to see how many of them also tied up another during their sex play. You will find that most have engage in these two behaviors in one form or another. This is BDSM.

So, as you can see, the umbrella of BDSM is wider than most think.

Acceptable Choices

It is vital that I mention that whatever choice one makes as long as it is in tune with the inner desires of that individual is perfectly acceptable. For whatever reason, the BDSM world (as is society in general) is full of people who believe that one must do things as they do. I cannot tell you the number of posts where people stated that others were "doing it wrong".

BDSM is a lifestyle choice that is encompassed in a larger thing called life. In this genre, there is no path that is right for everyone. Each of us is free to choose whatever makes us happy. Some prefer things on the lighter side while others insist on going deep with everything. There is no right way to live; only those choices which make us each individually happy.

Those who want to engage in some light bedroom bondage and leave their BDSM activities there are free to do that. And, their choice should not be condemned by others. It is amazing how many people feel that everyone in this way of life needs to live in M/s. The truth is that most are not cut out for this particular flavor. Trying to make them fit into this mode nets the same results as making a slave live vanilla. It simple does not work.

The sad part of all this is a newer person is left to feel as if he or she does not fit in because of this attitude. I often state that one way is not better than the other; just different. There are many who feel a sub is not as worthy as a slave. Others jest about the light bondage people like they are inferior. The fetish people are looked down upon by the "mainstream bdsm" crowd (now there is an oxymoron) for being weird and perverted. As we delve into the different factions, we see the irony behind their judgments.

In closing, remember that all choices are acceptable. Living as a slave is a fine option if one is capable of living in a TPE environment. At the same time, bedroom scenes, if that is what is desired, is a fine selection for many. One is free to limit or expand his/her BDSM practices. There is not a "one size fits all" program.

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September 12, 2011

Being Open????


This is a subject that often arises which ultimately leads to some debate. I see many who enter into the lifestyle who want to become evangelists for this way of life. Finally, our new person found the answers to a lifelong dilemma. He or she has a Master (or slave) and all is going to be right with the world. It is time to let everyone, friends, family, co-workers, know exactly what happened. Of course, those of us who are around a little while know how this can end up tragically.

The World Is Full Of Conformists

Society teaches us to conform. That is what the dogma from a very young age is. Religion, politics, schooling, and parents all influence us as to what we are to believe and how we are to behave. Those who toe the line are the ones who are rewarded according to their teachings. The individuals who choose a different path risk being ostracized and being treated as outcasts. We can cite thousands of examples of how this takes place each day.

That being said, it is crucial to remember that BDSM is not a subject that the average person has knowledge of. Perhaps he or she saw a few images online. This left the impression that it is an abusive lifestyle. Therefore, when you tell another, the odds are the immediate thought is "what is wrong with you". At the same time, each person is conditioned to watch for those who stray from the norm. Part of society's power is it uses others as watchdogs. You stray from the path and those closest to you (parents,co-workers, friends, etc...) will instantly go into correcting mode. They say they only want what is best for you and do not want to see you hurt. Ultimately, they are seeking to exert control over you.

Non-conformity does not sit well with most people. Providing a bull-eye on your chest by sharing your decision with others is foolhardy. It is also can be dangerous for those who have children. Since society is not into understanding but, rather, condemning, it is common for the state to step in when it deems children 'at risk'. Therefore, it is vital that people consider the risks associated with being open about their choices.

Lifestyle Promotion

I see many who feel that we should be open, live how we want, and the hell with everyone else. As I just showed, this can have catastrophic results. Thus, I feel it better if people are sensible about what they do.

It would be wonderful if everyone accepted the BDSM lifestyle as they do the traditional. At this point in time, it does not so it is up to us to try and promote it the best we can. Fortunately, we have a model to follow with some of the inroads the homosexual movement made. Each of us can partake in this although the degree will vary.

Being true to oneself is what BDSM is all about. Nevertheless, being true to oneself and being out in the open are two different things. Just because one opts (for whatever reason) to keep the structure of his/her relationship private, that does not mean they are any less involved or committed to this way of life than another. I see that as a fallacy many subscribe to. Some people simply cannot or will not live openly. That is their right and we should not disrespect that in any way.

Today, there are many ways to promote the lifestyle. With the advent of the Internet, we now have the ability to share ideas in a way that previously was not possible. People can post their ideas and views without fear of retaliation since the Internet is an anonymous forum. Also, within one's house, a person can pick and choose who knows about the lifestyle choice, opting only for revelation in those instances where it might be helpful.

Of course, there will always be those who are willing to express their choices to whomever is close by without fear or concern. We need these people also. Whatever your comfort level is how far you should take things. Being open about your choices is a personal matter and one that should not be taken lightly. Do not let the pressure of others dictate what you share. Only you can see the potential downfalls of revealing your choices. Those who feel you should behave as they do are clearly showing their hypocrisy. BDSM is about living how you see fit; not someone else.

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September 8, 2011

Commitment: The Key


Commitment is a quality that people seem to have lost. There was a time when people were committed to whatever they did. It was an era when "one's word meant something". Today, we see so many who have a more laissez faire approach to things. In other words, they do not want to inject themselves completely into something. This has created a culture where failure is more acceptable.

Willing To Leave In An Instant

There was a concept a couple of generations back where one had something that was termed "lifetime employment". This was a system which one could readily expect to go to work for one company for his entire career. The company was committed to the employees and rarely engaged in layoffs while employees gave everything to the company without thinking about leaving. Of course, today, we see a situation where people will leave a job without even giving notice or the company announcing a layoff of 5,000 people to save money.

Marriage is another area where a shift occurred. This institution was one which, in the past, literally meant "until death do us part". Divorce was uncommon with people regularly hitting 40 and 50 year anniversaries. However, like the job situation, people today enter and exit marriage through a revolving door. If the slightest challenge arises, "irreconcilable differences" are stated as the reason for divorce. Plus, in many instances you can take advantage of the $99 special and get out of that commitment rather inexpensively.

What do both of these situations show? In my mind, I feel they perfectly illustrate how we lack the ability to commit to anything. These are two areas which are paramount in people's lives. Who one spends time with and how a living is earned are two central pillars for most people. Of course, since there is a lack of commitment there, how can one reasonably expect to maintain an exercise program. Without commitment, we are deemed to fail in everything we try.

There Are Always Challenges

In everything we do, there are always challenges. Nothing is without resistance. That is a fact of life. For those who are continually seeking the path with no resistance, they are chasing a dream. Relationships, regardless of the level of intimacy take work. Every success is not without the overcoming of obstacles. Oftentimes, persistence is the quality that determines success or failure. This stems from the level of commitment one has.

BDSM is an environment where I see so many have the lax attitude. What always baffles me is that people look at this lifestyle like they do when shopping for a new car. They want to kick the tires a bit to see if they like it. Certainly, I am all for one researching what he or she is getting into and do believe that most are not designed to live in a power exchange relationship. However, the attitude I see is amongst the people who are supposedly "committed" to this way of life.

Commitment To The Lifestyle First

I am a firm believer that one must commit to the lifestyle before a person. This is a situation that gets reversed. It is a "cart before the horse" idea and ends up with tragic results. If one is not sure of his/her level of commitment to this way of life, then any interaction with another person will lack the necessary commitment needed for success. And, as we so often see, when one encounters obstacles in the relationship, it ends and the person decides BDSM is not for them.

As mentioned, I do not believe everyone is cut out for a lifestyle such as this. Nevertheless, it is awful to see those who could enjoy all the benefits of BDSM toss it away because of a bad experience with a particular person. I am often amazed people take this approach here yet do not have the same idea concerning heterosexuality, as an example. Certainly, few of us stop trying to interact romantically/sexually with the opposite sex simply because our first relationship failed. The reason is because we are committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle. We were heterosexuals first and then interacted with others. Yet, with BDSM, people take the exact opposite approach. No wonder so many enter and leave.

What Does It Mean To Be Committed?

Before I go into an explanation of this, I will provide a disclaimer that I believe is necessary. There are situations encountered everyday that necessitate leaving for one reason or another. Many marriages should be ended immediately with both parties going their separate ways. The same thing with job situations. People should not subject themselves to abuse in any area of life and if that is happening, there is no reason to remain committed. There is a point in time where loyalty gets replaced with stupidity.

That being said, commitment can be summed up very easily: be willing to be successful no matter what. In other words, one has the mindset that he or she is going to do whatever it takes to make the situation successful. Failure is not an option. All action is taken with the intention of working towards the desired outcome. There is no maybe. Certainty is ever present in the mind.

This is a stark difference from how people live their lives. Most are experts at offering up excuses. They have a host of alibis ready to present even before they engage in the activity. Of course, nothing is ever their fault. Passing the blame is a national pastime. This is a recipe we see used all around us.

To succeed in BDSM, as other areas, it takes commitment. My mindset is that my relationship is going to work out long term. I am not willing to allow the challenges of life to sabotage what I am developing. Fear is something that is present within everyone and, left unchecked, can overtake a situation completely. Commitment is something that enables one to overcome this barrier.

Blind faith or senseless optimism is not a valid approach. However, when one is aware of the situation after doing the proper research or diligence, it is helpful to have the committed outlook. Success and failure both start in the mind. Those are willing to do whatever it takes to make a BDSM relationship(s) successful are apt to do just that. This is a major contrast to the one who is willing to sever things as soon as something difficult comes up. Many of the reasons for ending relationships can be overcome with commitment. It is a tool that few consider but is something that can make all the difference. Consider it.

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September 2, 2011

Fantasy Versus Reality


We have all met people who tend to not be firmly grounded in reality. In many ways they are of benefit to society because they are the dreamers of the world. Nothing great was ever accomplished by a conformist. It is always those people who stray from the normal mode of looking at things who discover things that were not seen before. This goes for inventors, adventurers, researchers, business people, and, even, parents. Doing things differently requires one to 'break the rules'.

Fine Line

As with most things, there is a fine line that one must walk. It is a constant battle when one navigates the tight path between genius and insane. While most seek to operate at the genius level, when breaking from the traditional, it is easy to fall into the insane. It is very easy to lose track of reality.

We see this all the time in the BDSM world, especially when we focus upon the online community. One does not have to travel to far to discover some unsuspecting new person who is completely disconnected from reality. Perhaps he or she read a science fiction novel and believes that is the basis for living as a slave. Or, it is probable that some of the imagery of the porn industry is fresh in that person's mind also leading to a conclusion that this is how the lifestyle is. In talking with these types of individuals, it is easy to see how disconnected from reality they are.

Of course, that does not mean that there are not attributes of the fantasy world that cannot be implemented. We all fantasize to one degree or another. Within the BDSM community, it is common for these thoughts to exist for both sexual and power based activities. Fortunately, as I see it, this is a realm which does allow us to pursue our fantasies in a safe manner. Nevertheless, this cannot be confused with reality.

Dealing With People

BDSM is a microcosm of society in general. Many people seem to think they are exiting the normal realm when they enter this lifestyle. This is not the Twilight Zone where one steps into another dimension. Life is still life. And, because of such, everything we do is nothing more than an exercise in dealing with people.

This is a concept that is often lost, mostly by the online crowd. Ignoring the total fakes for a moment, it is important to remember that the entity on the other end is a person with feelings. The fact that the Internet is so impersonal leads many to forget that one's actions will have an effect. The things we do and say have the power to harm another. I cannot stress this idea enough.

I often write the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship. It is easy to focus upon the kneeling, whips, chains, and the protocol of servitude. However, as those of us who lived in real time know, this is only a small part of our existence. At the same time, many of the aspects of the world of fantasy are simply impractical in real life. For example, can you imagine a slave kneeling when a Master approaches in the middle of Walmart? Obviously, this might garner some attention especially if that couple has children. The same idea holds when one refers to toy collections or playrooms within the house. How practical is having that stuff around when your family visits or if small children are in the house? In my experience, few families are so open-minded to be able to see this (and I know for a fact that children services arent very open-minded about things).

Therefore, since we are dealing with people, it is crucial that one take a realistic approach to BDSM. The simple truth is that all the world's problems will not disappear simply because you found a new way to structure your relationships. Everything that we deal with, medical, financial, and family, are still present in our lives. This is reality. We also need to behave in manners that are befitting the people we are dealing with. If one makes a commitment to another, it is vital this is met. We often find ourselves in situations which decisions are made about one's life based upon our promises. To not fulfill them is going to inflict harm upon another that is outside our rights. Doing everything possible to ensure we keep our promises is another aspect of reality that few want to deal with.

Adding Some Fantasy

A central part of the BDSM lifestyle is growth. All relationships require growth of both the individuals and the couple if it is going to last long term. Again, we see some fantastic opportunities within the BDSM world for this. Since we are into many genres that are so different from the mainstream, one really has the ability to increase his or her skills.

I find that as people remain in the BDSM life, they tend to gravitate towards the more extreme nature of things. My personal opinion is that this is natural since we tend to be inquisitive folks who dont just accept what society promotes without questioning. If that were the case, we probably would never have started the search to begin with. Therefore, as we become proficient in one area, we tend to look towards other things. This is the progression of personal growth.

Does that mean everyone gets into the behavior that is promoted by the porn industry? Of course not. However, for those who are drawn to some of what they see, there is no reason why those 'fantasies' cannot be implemented into those people's lives. Naturally, safety is always the top concern but for those who are able to do so, it is a wonderful way to enhance their BDSM experiences. Maintaining a strong footing in reality while adding a bit of fantasy to one's relationship is always a healthy thing to do.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

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