tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62393369141609092692024-03-09T00:32:19.620-08:00A Master’s Viewpoint Of The BDSM WorldDennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.comBlogger676125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-31252440821528470992016-03-06T06:55:00.002-08:002016-03-06T07:16:35.658-08:00Societal LimitiationToday I am going to cover a topic that I feel is of the utmost importance when discussing the BDSM way of life.<br />
<br />
Each of us is a product of our environment. Without trying to sound like a conspiracy nut, I will state that we are all conditioned as to how to think. Our belief system is something that is handed to us on a silver platter by those around us. We can argue the motivation and intention of those doing it yet the bottom line is we are told what to believe.<br />
<br />
This indoctrination process starts at a very young age. Hitler and the Nazis knew the value of getting individuals in at a young age since this was the best time to affect their fertile minds. Hence he established the Hitler Youth Groups that aided in this endeavor. However, he was not the only one to notice this. Religions of the world have used this same technique for many centuries to achieve the same end. If you ask one who is devout in a particular faith, how he or she arrived at that belief system, you will ultimately find out it, in most cases, is the religion one was reared with. Few take the time to research all the different religions. Instead, they gravitate back to what they were conditioned to believe as a child.<br />
<br />
The educational system does the same thing. This is a process where children are taken at a young age and "taught" what to believe. Some might dispute this premise but the entire educational system is desired to churn out ones who are obedient in nature. Many countries around the world are aiming to get a hold of the children at even a younger age. In the UK, there is a movement to start kids in school at 2 years old (as if 4 is not young enough). This is all done with the intention of further indoctrinating their minds into obedience. Free thinking is not tolerated in the educational system. The process is rote learning whereby one recited back what is learned like a robot. Creativity and individuality is stamped out.<br />
<br />
We see the influence on our conditioning when it comes to relationships. In the Western countries, historically, we see the idea that sex is to be between a man and a woman. Through this union, procreation is possible. Most often, the belief is that this activity should take place only within the confines of marriage or some type of commitment. In other words, heterosexual monogamy is the path that is offered. Anything outside these parameters is considered abnormal and discouraged. In fact, the disapproval of one who prefers something outside the traditional norms can be downright visceral.<br />
<br />
Here is an example. When many in the west look at the established relationship traditions in the Muslim world, they view it with condemnation. The idea that a woman would be subject to a life without any freedoms whatsoever. There she can be beaten, abused, and raped without any recourse. It is part of their established belief system. Women have no rights whatsoever while being viewed as property of their husbands. To make matters even worse, if she does something that "shames the family", her own father or brothers might be the ones taking recourse against her.<br />
<br />
The reason I bring this up is that much of the same behavior was acceptable in the Western cultures as little as 60 years ago. Think back into the first part of the 20th century in the United States. What recourse did most women have? The truth is none. Outside of Hollywood, where a woman had the ability to support herself, divorce was almost non-existent. Thus, a woman was financially captive. At the same time, domestic abuse was not even mentioned. If a woman was beaten by her husband, going to the law usually amounted to nothing happening. Perhaps they might stop by and tell him not to do that in the future but charges were not forthcoming. Naturally, there were many instances where she got her ass beaten even worse for opening her mouth. The law, family, and friends, while perhaps empathetic, were of no help. Is this really any different from what takes place in the countries today under Islamic law?<br />
<br />
My point is that there was a shift in the overall belief system in the United States over a period of a half a century. At one time the idea of a woman being "captive" through financial and physical means was accepted. It no longer is. Young people of today were taught that it is not acceptable to beat a woman. Young girls are told that they do not have to take the abuse of one and to leave upon the first sign of intolerable behavior. Obviously, most agree this is a change for the better. Nevertheless, the important factor for this discussion is how the societal mindset impacts the individual belief system. If you believe (or conclude) that spousal abuse is acceptable in this era, your belief system is going to clash with what the norm is. It is identical to having the belief that more than one spouse or having intercourse with a dog is preferred. Each of these ideas goes counter to what society, at large, believes. Therefore, most will state that sex with animals is inappropriate or that marriage is only between two people (even the laws are designed to reflect both of these ideas).<br />
<br />
As most of us are well aware, the ideas we espouse in BDSM go counter to what society believes. The idea that we establish our relationships upon power exchange concepts is baffling to most individuals. What is ironic is that we are simply returning to an earlier time when this was an acceptable way to live. The main difference, of course, is the idea of consent. We are entering these situations with the approval of both parties.<br />
<br />
At the same time, much of our activities are frowned upon. The act of beating one is taboo in this day and age. Laws are now in place to protect people from being treated in such a manner. Again, we see the difference in our approach in that consent is required. We do not promote the idea of one being randomly beaten for no reason. Nor do we condone the idea of forced slavery upon the masses. Everything in our way of life stems from consent and operating within the parameters that the individuals involved establish. This is an personal thing designed by the two (or three/more) people directly involved. Some of the parameters will include social conditioning if for no other reason that we have to interact in a "vanilla" world. Nevertheless, the decision of how to behave within the confines of one's home is up to the parties in the relationship and not the overriding sentiment of the culture they live within. <br />
<br />
This brings up another point. How does societal conditioning affect you and place limitation upon your decisions. For example, are there certain sexual activities that you will not engage upon? Of the top of my head, if you are male, what are your thoughts of another male giving you a blowjob? If this is something that you find distasteful, my question is why? Is it because you lack an attraction to men? If this is the case, do you allow a woman to give you head if you are attracted to her? Answering no to this means you do not require attraction to get a blowjob. So what is the reason? Is it because you feel homosexuality is wrong? Do you believe guys should not suck off other guys? Or is it something as basic as you find it gross? Certainly we all have things we like and dislike. My point is to question what your reasoning is. Do you not want it because of ideas that were placed in your head over the course of decades pertaining to guy on guy sex? Remember, we are all products of our environment and anyone over the age of 35 or 40 grew up with the indoctrination that homosexuality was not accepted by society. Therefore, we must be mindful of this input in the conclusions we reach.<br />
<br />
As you can see, when we investigate how society's influence affects us, we see how limiting it is. Now I will state that simply because we are not operating out of societal conditioning, that does not mean we will like all things. There are simply some activities, kink, or ideas that we are not into. Personally, I do not understand the allure of scat and have no desire to engage in that activity on any scale. This is a personal choice. I find the entire genre distasteful (understatement) and want no part of it. This conclusion is not based upon what society says is "right or wrong" but what I prefer. It is an individual choice.<br />
<br />
In closing, I want to stress how vital it is for you to examine all you believe. If you undertake this exercise, be forewarned that you will be astounded how much of your belief system was implanted by others. Part of the process of individuality is to determine what we believe for ourselves. There are many concepts which we carry with us that we will agree with and keep. However, there are many which we will want to cast off. My point is to examine all your conclusions about this way of life, what you want in it, and the kink you are drawn to. At the same time, investigate those things that you are turned off by. What is the reasoning behind it? If you do this, I think you will be amazed to find out that you often have no idea why you do not like something other than an ingrained idea which society placed deep within you many years ago. Of course, if this is something you still agree with, then by all means keep it. However, if you find that it no longer is applicable to you, then cast it aside. Society likes to limit our choices by instilling a belief system within us that aligns itself with its' goals. It is up to us to question that and create a system that works for us to reach the ends we desire. This is the basic foundation of BDSM.<br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com95tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-28241709923184427582016-02-29T04:13:00.000-08:002016-03-06T05:49:24.418-08:00Cut Off Any Other PossibilityThe self improvement guru, for whatever that is worth, Tony Robbins says "a true decision cuts off any other possible outcome". This is a mindset that the most successful in life have. If you study those who achieve tremendous results, it is their mindset that separates them from any other outcome. It is easy to conclude it is their talent or they are lucky, but this is rarely the case. Sure some have an in-born talent for, music as an example, but they spend hours upon hours honing those skills. It is amazing how luck seems to increase the harder one works and the more prepared he or she is.<br />
<br />
My question to you is how often have you made a decision about BDSM and cut off any other outcome? It is my observation that so many enter this way of life or, more specifically, get into a D/s or M/s relationship, with the intention of "trying things out". If you read the above paragraph, you will realize that the truly successful did not attain the heights they did because they were simply trying something out. Yes they experiment, research, and look for alternative avenues to pursue but they are resolved in their desire to succeed in that particular endeavor.<br />
<br />
We simply need to look at how many approach BDSM to see that the mindset is the exact opposite. Instead of being committed and resolved to living this way of life, people approach it like buying a blouse or going car shopping. The "I'll try it out" model seems to be the norm. Now, I certainly agree that people enter this way of life without knowing if it is for them or not and "research" is required. I also fundamentally believe this is not for everyone. Many people are better suited to live in a traditional relationship. BDSM is difficult in many ways and the freedom that comes along with it is too much. It also is a way of life that is vastly different from what people are accustomed too, hence making it an uncomfortable situation.<br />
<br />
What makes this situation even more interesting is those people who are around this way of life for a while, perhaps years, yet decide one day to give up BDSM and go back to "vanilla". This obviously is a result derived from the frustration of dealing with the pretenders and other assorted misfits. I will be the first to admit that what takes place on a daily basis is extremely frustrating. Nevertheless, this is where the mindset enters the picture. When one is truly committed to this way of life and succeeding in it, there is no other outcome. As Robbins says, all other possibilities are cut off. In fact, they do not even exist. When one is in this frame of mind, the frustration level might be high but it is not overwhelming. The desire to succeed means that one shakes off the pain and moves on...the quest continues.<br />
<br />
Human ingenuity is amazing. We have the ability to achieve sensational things when we set our mind to it. I am not sure if you are a proponent of intention but I found the human mind has incredible power. When one sets forth an intention and earnestly pursues it, the outcome tends to be what he or she desired in the majority of the cases. Those who take control of their minds in this way are the ones who excel. Contrast that with the masses who tend to emit their fears and focus upon the negative. Is it any wonder that is what they create in their lives? Those who see everything going wrong or always asking "why me" tend to get more bad stuff. What we focus upon materializes. If you question that, look at your own life. What are you focusing upon regularly? Do you operate from strength or fear? Which is more common in your life? Once you determine that, you will see that your outcomes, for the most part, mirror that. Those who see failure as not only an option, but as likely, tend to follow that thought pattern. It is amazing how thoughts can become things.<br />
<br />
At this point, I will interject my usual caveat to what I just said. Obviously, we need to balance our thoughts with a bit of common sense. There are situations which are totally hopeless. In fact, there are many arrangements that are not only hopeless, but also dangerous. I am not telling someone to stick his/her head in the sand and ignore major warning signs that could potentially be harmful. There are a lot of ill-intentioned people, especially under the umbrella of BDSM. The abusers are big in number and meant to be avoided at all costs. If you find yourself involved with someone who is exhibiting signs of being dangerous, it is best to leave. Do not try to apply a positive mindset in a situation like this. Get your ass out. Also, there are just some deals that are cooked for whatever reason. Relationships are a tough thing and people change over time. Even if the intentions were there to start, perhaps the growth paths deviated and you are no longer compatible. Whatever the reason, there are times when it is best to move on. Of course, this does not necessarily denote "failure". If you gave a solid effort and it was not reciprocated, pulling yourself out of that circumstance is often the best option.<br />
<br />
If you talk to people who were married for decades, you will find their time together was not without difficulty. It is fantasy, I feel, for people to deal with each other over such a long period of time and not to encounter obstacles. Regardless of the power exchange make up, there are things that arise on a regular basis which will try even the strongest of relationships. What I noticed about those who are together long term is their commitment to get through the rough patches. It is almost as if their mindset is simply there is no other choice but to move past this however we can. Their resolve is firm. This is a far cry from the "tire kicker" who is just trying a relationship out. I wonder the success rate of those in the traditional model of relationships if they were not fully committed to their sexuality. Obviously the idea of being married to a woman might be in constant jeopardy if one did not believe himself heterosexual (in fact we have seen this with some who knew they were homosexual yet were in long term marriages because they were not comfortable with their feelings and desires...amazing how catastrophic societal conditioning can be).<br />
<br />
I would suggest you look at your own views towards BDSM and your relationship(s) if in one. Do you think there is an exit for you? Are you willing to "try it" knowing you can always change your mind later? Do you carry the idea of permanence towards BDSM in your life or even the relationship you are in? Again, there is a chance that things do not work out but having the mindset that this is going to last is paramount. The idea of commitment is lost in this era throughout society. We change jobs, houses, cars and even spouses at the drop of a hat. Loyalty is a lost quality with people leaving without notice. Employees have no loyalty to a company who, in turn, have the same outlook. People enter marriages only to leave within the first two years. In short, it seems people enter situations with the mindset of leaving. Perhaps this will explain why so many interactions, both business and personal, fail. People simply lack the resolve to hang in there until success is achieved.<br />
<br />
Perhaps it is time to cut off any other possibility than what you desire. Do you not think you owe that to yourself? <br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-78145743494578152632016-02-25T08:57:00.001-08:002016-02-25T08:57:42.441-08:00You Are Not On Fetlife..What Is Wrong With You?Can you believe that someone in this era is not on FetLife? What is wrong with some people? Do they not realize that FetLife is the basis for the entire BDSM community? Certainly in 2016, someone who is not on FetLife is hiding something.<br />
<br />
Do these questions seem unreasonable to you? If you say no, then you are in exactly the mindset that I am going to describe. Unfortunately, it is fairly common for people to believe this. <br />
<br />
I think it important to note that I entered this way of life before there was the tremendous online crowd. In the late 1990s, the Internet was no where near as big as it is today. The community was still basically private parties advertised on the back page of local rags. At that time, there were very few pretenders because of the fact that people effectively had to be sponsored in. If one did not get an invite from someone already involved, it was not likely forthcoming. People who were there were real and upstanding. There was little uncertainty if one said he was a master that he was. The same was true for slaves. Everyone was able to interact freely and openly since there were not the game players.<br />
<br />
The Internet changed all this. Most of you know that I feel the technology is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it enables us to spread the proper message easier and give many more people access that would not have acquired it via word of mouth. We are also able to interact with people outside our geographic area. Of course, these two benefits are offset by the fact that many spread dis-information and the pretenders are legendary. Today, anyone with a keyboard can become whatever he or she wants to be. It is easy online to create a profile. Living up to that is a different matter though. And this is where the disconnect comes from.<br />
<br />
That said, I must say I am not personally on FetLife. I do have a profile for marketing purposes but as far as my personal interactions go, I do not use FetLife. Yes, I am one of those people who are not on FetLife, what does that tell you? Am I suddenly a bad person or less of a dominant because of it? Is my character now in question because I am hiding something? Is there something wrong with me?<br />
<br />
The reason I post these questions is because I have basically had people take that approach with me. People are baffled at the idea that I could be real yet not have a Fet profile where others can view me. Seriously, how is anyone going to know who I own or what I am involved in if I am not actively on there? How can another one check out my slave if he wants to play with her and get a hold of me? These are questions that I was asked over the years.<br />
<br />
So what am I hiding? The answer to that question is, my life. It really is that simple. I am not one who is going to advertise my entire personal life out there for anyone to read. To start, I do not need the validation of others to sustain me. In fact, part of my freedom during my growth process is getting to the point of not caring what others think, especially anonymous people online. It matters none to me. I do not set out to impress anyone with my profile and show that I am an expert in the things I post. This blog started on the premise that I saw a lot of dis-information out there about this way of life and sought to forward ideas as I see them about this way of life. Many have embraced what I write while others have not. Either way, I write what moves me and what I see. If it helps some out, then my task is complete. <br />
<br />
Another problem is that it is easy to create an online persona. People try to judge how "real" someone is based upon what is written online. Certainly, there is a validity to this idea if one posts a ton of information and ideas. Over time, you can read what a person thinks and how he/she behaves which can give true insight into the individual. However, we also must bear in mind that it is rather simple to parrot what else is written online and make it our own. This is why so many get disappointed when dealing with someone. I can act like an expert at rope play by citing all the ideas about it yet the reality of my skill is different if I cannot tie a knot. <br />
<br />
This idea moves to such an extreme level that many will not interact with someone who does not have a FetLife profile. I have heard people actually say this. I remember one instance where I asked one if she only dealt with people in her "vanilla" life only if they were on Facebook. I mean, can you really trust someone to interact with who does not have a Facebook page (By the way, I do not have a personal Facebook page either)? With over 1 billion people on Facebook, anyone who is anyone has a Facebook page. Certainly, my logic has to hold true.<br />
<br />
Too many believe that BDSM is about community. They seem to think that who one interacts with, plays with, and what parties are attended is what BDSM is about. I completely applaud the interaction and seeking of others who are in this way of life. However, play is not what this is about. Owning one is far beyond the whips and chains. Those who believe BDSM, especially M/s is all about play, they are missing the entire premise of this way of life. Power exchange extends to all areas of life and the responsibility that goes along with that is great. Beating someone's ass is the easy part. Running her life is a bit more difficult and success in this starts with one being able to run his own life. Sadly, few see this aspect of things.<br />
<br />
Another situation that arises with the "community" people is that egos tend to take over. There are many wonderful people who acquire a reputation for a particular skill or experiences that are totally warranted. Many of these people are deserving of the accolades while also having the proper mindset about them. However, there are those who are driven by their "place" in this way of life. Many feel that their reputation is most important and live based upon what others think. The accolades they receive go to their heads and, suddenly, they believe they are better than everyone else. A true dominant maintains a degree of humility realizing that he has few answers in compared to all that is out there with BDSM. His experiences are well earned and meant to be shared with others. Wisdom is gained by going through situations while being passed on in an effort to help others. I am sorry but being Master Big Swinging Dick with his two young, pretty slaves walking around the conference in a collar and posing for all others to see is rather unimpressive to me. To me it takes much greater strength to be humble as opposed to being driven by ego. The later conveys insecurity and weakness. Again, if you live according to what others think, then you are enslaved by them. BDSM is about freedom yet so many miss this fundamental point.<br />
<br />
Now that I bashed things, I will state that I believe a great deal of the info posted on FetLife is wonderful. People share their experiences and offer insight to others. Certainly, having friends on there and interacting with those on a regular basis is healthy. At times, there are issues where one cannot turn to family or vanilla friends and must interact with a lifestyle person. These are all benefits of a site like that. However, let us not over exaggerate the importance of being on a site like that. I will state honestly that I have viewed hundred of thousands of profiles online over the years. If I desired, I could spend 6 months and build a Fet profile that would make me a superstar. I have enough experience that I could dazzle many with what I could write that and really be on the upper rungs in terms of impressiveness. Would it all be true? Most likely not; exaggeration would be a minimum if not outright lying. Nevertheless, it would contain things that would make people want to be my friend and interact with me (virtually at least). Of course this brings up the question, what is all this a reflection of?<br />
<br />
My point is that I am no less dominant because I do not spend hours on a site like Fet. While I acknowledge it is a wonderful tool, people put far too much emphasis on it. Use it to stay in touch, to learn, to interact, and to assist you in growing. However, realize this about the online world, most of those people who you put a lot of stock in as your "friends", trust me when I tell you they will not be there if things collapse around you. I know someone who encountered a life changing situation with her husband which amounted to him being in close to a vegetable state. The man she loves and was married too instantly died and she is left with a person who is a shell of himself. She realized through her troubles who her true friends were. I bet you are not surprised to learn that most of her "friends" while offering their best wishes, did not even lift a finger for her. She realized who her true friends were. <br />
<br />
It is imperative to keep things in context. Simply because someone offers a different approach than you do, that does not mean that something is wrong with that person. I do not have a FetLife profile yet I have a blog that has close to 700 in depth posts on it. I would venture to say I wrote more words online about this way of life than 98% of the people on that site or any other. So once again, is not having an active Fet profile a reflection of me, my knowledge, and how I approach this way of life? Am I less qualified as a dominant simply because I do not frequent a site like that? Some, it seems, think exactly that. If one chooses to advertise many aspects of his/her life to a bunch of strangers online, that is his/her business. For myself, I opt not to do that. My privacy, as much as we can expect in this era, is more valuable to me. Perhaps I am in the minority with this viewpoint. <br />
<br />
So, in closing, the next time someone tells you "everyone in this way of life is on Fet", you can say, that is not true. "Everyone" is not, there is one less than that since Dennis is not on there. However, you best be quick about it because I just might set up my super duper profile to wow and woo the masses. I think I will start by listing myself at 6' 5" even though it is off by about 10 inches. And speaking of 10 inches, that is exactly what I am packing inside my jeans (the wonders of close up photography). My slave farm (remember to get pics of farms from online) comes complete with a dungeon (get kink.com still photos) which will satisfy any slave......<br />
<br />
Ah so many possibilities. <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-67315248527774145862016-02-19T08:05:00.001-08:002016-02-19T16:06:55.796-08:00Beyond The "Whip and Chain" MindsetIt seems that I am about to embark upon another multi-piece tangent. I find it really amazing what can be stimulated mentally by interacting with others even if just reading their profile entries. The mindset of one is quickly revealed which, then, starts me to ponder even deeper the thoughts and ideas I have within me. Through this, I find that I reveal more of what is within my core and what I think about this way of life.<br />
<br />
I have repeatedly stated, BDSM is not about the "whips and chains". Many seem to focus upon that aspect believing that this life is centralized around tying ones up and beating them to fulfillment. Certainly, that is an aspect of things but it is not the largest part. In fact, what many call play is simply a means to an end. In other words, it is a vehicle which conveys a deeper meaning if one really searches it.<br />
<br />
It is crucial that BDSM is a giant paradox. Those who fail to understand this central point are living under a delusion of sorts. What appears on the surface is completely opposite of what is true at the next level down. That is why so many on the "outside" have a particular view about certain things which we, within this, know to be untrue. Their lack of in-depth knowledge creates an illusion. It is from this basis that they judge what is transpiring without true understanding. This is part of the natural human condition and hard to alter. Nevertheless, once someone starts to experience what I am referring to and gain understanding about what BDSM truly offers, he or she quickly sees past the misguided viewpoints of those who do not comprehend it.<br />
<br />
BDSM is about freedom. Ironic that a way of life that uses terms such as bondage, slavery, and obedience is about freedom but that is the case. On the surface, enslaving one is a limiting behavior. According to societal norms, it is. However, when one delves deep within herself, if truly a slave, she will determine that slavery is not confining but her path to freedom, It is a liberating experience to undertake for one of this ilk. Instead of detracting from her life, it enhances. Through the dependence upon another person, she is able to forge her own internal path and grow. Within the parameters that he establishes, she is able to enhance her trust, discipline, and ability to handle responsibility. Her desire to please and serve motivates her to better herself in all areas. All subs/slaves want their owners to be proud of them. It is through the seeking of approval of one (not the masses), that one embarks upon that which is natural...to be the best person she can be.<br />
<br />
BDSM is about growth. Those who enter this way of life seeking to fulfill some present moment need are quite common. However, those who remain in it and do what I call "living it" move past this mindset. Naturally, all of us arrive here, through whatever medium, because there is a deep-seeded craving within us. To be blunt, if we were fulfilled in the traditional realm, we would have never sought this way of life. It is only through our pain in that arena that we started looking for something different. Many of us find the answer in BDSM.<br />
<br />
That said, for us to succeed in this sphere, as in most aspects of life, growth is a crucial element. When you understand that we seek to be more, then you are starting to grasp what this truly means. Whips and chains are simply tools. They are not the end. Focusing upon them shortchanges what is truly needed. This lowers the standard that ultimately negates a great deal of the power of BDSM.<br />
<br />
BDSM is about honor and character. These are terms that are thrown around rather easily yet few seem to truly grasp the magnitude of what they mean. It is these concepts that tells me BDSM is about holding myself to a higher standard than society accepts. We are to grow mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and inter-personally. It is through our daily interactions, both with BDSM and "Vanilla" people, that we show what is deep within us. Are we acting in manners similar to everyone else? Do we blindly go through life causing pain wherever we go? Do we respond to people by giving back what they put out to us? Or do we hold ourselves to a higher ideal and refuse to lower ourselves to their level? Childish behavior need not be met with more childish behavior. At some point, an adult has to emerge. Taking responsibility for oneself, whether dominant or submissive, if a central tenet. All control starts with the person you are seeing in the mirror each morning.<br />
<br />
The person I am emerges in all the decisions I make throughout the day. Where am I acting honorably in the things I do on a daily basis and where am I not? How am I behaving when nobody is watching? What thoughts pass through my mind when I am alone? Where do I allow fear to dictate what I do? Apart from subs and slaves, when it is just me, myself, and I, how do I behave? Is it more important for me to impress others or remain true to the ideals/principles I established for myself? In fact, have I truly established a belief system for myself or do I subscribe to what others implant upon me? Am I a "free" thinker in the sense that I am able to make my own decisions without depending upon the opinions and approval of others? In short, do I create my own life or have it dictated to me by outside influences, many that exist for that sole purpose?<br />
<br />
BDSM is liberating. It allows us to cast off what society implements which we feel is restricting. Living in the real world means we do not engage in total anarchy in terms of our behavior. However, in our minds, we develop a thought process that works for us. We determine our beliefs because we question those things we were taught. That which is applicable in our lives, we keep; that which is not, is cast aside.<br />
<br />
We do not subscribe to blind obedience. One obeys the person she CHOOSES to obey. It is a conscious choice she makes. She opts for this only after determining for herself that he is worthy of being obeyed. Compare that with society, which through establishment and position, certain institutions and people demand obedience. It is not consensual nor is it earned. We see the absurdity in this when one enters this way of life proclaiming to be dominant and then demanding respect and obedience from a sub/slave. It is rather easy to see through this when it occurs yet few expand their vision out to society at large. In my view, the absurdity is just as common. Certainly, there are times when we all have to adhere with what society says. My point is not to influence mass rebellion especially by those who end up without a clue. It is, however, to make one aware of when he or she is adhering to societal norms and how it is demanded. I cannot stress enough that we live within society hence are subject to certain behaviors. BDSM people are not about throwing the way we live upon those who have no desire to see or be a part of this. That mindset is us acting like them. Again, the standard comes into play. We structure our lives as we see fit while knowing the others have freedom to do the same for themselves. Our "way" is not right, not the only path, not for all. In the end, it is the route for us.<br />
<br />
It is through enslavement that one finds freedom for herself.<br />
It is through pain that one finds pleasure and release.<br />
It is through surrender that one is empowered.<br />
It is through questioning that one finds answers.<br />
It is through dependence that one can stand on her own two feet.<br />
It is through restriction that all is opened up to us.<br />
It is only through limits that one removes limitations.<br />
<br />
BDSM is about infinite possibilities. <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-70189488845967371252016-02-15T09:31:00.001-08:002016-02-15T09:55:35.589-08:00Success Comes From Total CommitmentI am going to tangent off my series about domination, to write a post about a different matter altogether. This is something that I touched upon in the past yet feel it is vital to cover again. <br />
<br />
My observation is that this way of life gets a lot of what I call "tire kickers". Since it is an "alternative" lifestyle, I find this not that outlandish. If we are honest, this is something that few of us were ever exposed to growing up. Most of us were indoctrinated into the mindset of what is considered to be normal relationships. The idea that a relationship (the capital "R" one) is made up of a man and a woman, in a lifelong commitment, which is the foundation of the family unit is what was presented to us. Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal. This idea is hammered into us by not only our own parents but the religious institutions, educational facilities, and advertisers. Other avenues of pursuit are not condoned, hence overlooked by most of us.<br />
<br />
This all changes as we age. Most of us ended up in BDSM because there was something missing for us in the traditional model. Whatever the situation was, there was something within us that wanted/needed more. Of course, few of us knew what that was but it is was the impetus that started our search. This is where I will give kudos to the Internet. Most of my regular readers know I call it a double edged sword. However, as an educational/research vehicle this medium excels. It allows us to research some of the feelings and desires that are within us. After clicking for a few different websites, usually porn related (although not always) we see there is an arena that turns us on. I would say the vast majority of us find this way of life through our kink desires and ideals. It is our genitalia that is leading the way. Nevertheless, many start to research a bit beyond the kink websites to realize there is an actual way of life here that people are involved it.<br />
<br />
The depth and point people go to is impossible to judge. That said, it is easy to recognize when someone is new and looking to see what this way of life is all about. I am all for those researching all they can before getting involved fully. My view is very candid, this way of life is not for everyone. Also, there are many different facets and turns that one can pursue and it is only through one's internal search can he or she determine what fits best on an individual basis.<br />
<br />
At the same time, I must mention that everyone has different desires in terms of the level that they want to go to with this way of life. Some simply prefer a way to spice up their marriage and add a little fun in the bedroom. People of this ilk tend to want to implement some bondage or impact play to their sex lives. The power exchange is a romantic fun way to interact. Outside of having a few accessories in the night stand, their lives are the same. These individual do not make BDSM a way of life. Instead they opt to simply engage in some light play periodically.<br />
<br />
Then we have the other end of the spectrum. These are the individuals who make BDSM the central, focal point of theirs lives. They live this, literally, 24/7. I do not know how they survive, but each minute of the day is BDSM related. They tend to not interact much with the vanilla world. The whips and chains (along with the clothing) are prevalent at all times. This is the opposite extreme, something that few of us get to.<br />
<br />
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes. We are committed to having BDSM as a central premise in our lives yet we still operate/interact with those who are from every walk of life. From the outside, our lives look like everyone else in the neighborhood. Our kids are dressed like the other children while we show up at work with few knowing what we are involved in. Sure, there might be times when one has a butt plug in her ass but, then again, how do we know she is the only one in the office like that? Nevertheless, our day is pretty similar to the rest of the world. Being involved in BDSM, for the majority of us, simply is a foundation by which we structure our lives. The exterior mirrors most other people.<br />
<br />
Getting back to our "tire kickers", these are individuals who feel that BDSM is like trying on a blouse, you put it on and if you do not like it, move on. The Internet, as I said, has exposed this way of life to many more people. Because of that, there are going to be a multitude who are drawn to some aspect of this, perhaps just a curiosity, before returning to their vanilla existence. They will interact with a few online, maybe even go to an event or two, and then leave when they find someone to get involved in who is not in this way of life. Basically, this person is experimenting and searching while lacking any commitment. This is natural of course since the person has no idea if this is what he or she wants. In the end, it might have just been a passing fancy. Whatever the reason, the individual simply moves on with a bit more knowledge and experience than before.<br />
<br />
In life, success in any endeavor requires commitment. This is a common idea and one that I am sure few, if any, are surprised at. If you watch anyone who excels in any area, it is easy to see how much work went into him or her attaining that talent. Olympic athletes often spend years training in their craft before and after school. Musicians spent untold hours practicing his or her instrument over the course of a decade or more before becoming a professional. What is ironic is people seem to think that BDSM is something that they do not need to be committed to. To me, this makes little sense since it is this commitment that gets one through the difficult times and pushes us to keep going.<br />
<br />
The truth is that we all encounter frustration with dealing with the BDSM world, especially online. There are so many games played that it can be frustrating. However, for those who are true to themselves, we realize there is no other option. The reason why we ended up here is because the traditional realm left us lacking in something. It is interesting to watch people, when their frustration level rises, return to that world believing that it will be any different. From what I hear, the same games we encounter online in BDSM are also on match.com and other sights of that sort. In other words, things are not really any better over there.<br />
<br />
I can understand the frustration. On both the submissive and dominant side of things, there are a lot of idiots. The bottom line is that we have to sift through a lot of trash to find what we seek. That simply is the nature of the game. To get upset when this reality emerges is foolhardy. As tough as it might be, we simply have to keep going. Frustration cannot be allowed to win. To succeed in this, we need commitment. Cutting off any other possibility is what is required. It might take a while, but we will find what we seek. Being committed to this outcome is a central premise in our success. As I said before, for most of us, going back to strictly vanilla is not in the cards.<br />
<br />
I recently read this "I am done with that part of my life". From what I could gather, this was a woman who identified herself as a baby girl. Obviously, she encountered a great deal of frustration at not finding a daddy "who would love and cherish" her. This is common. What struck me in reading about this individual is that she most likely did not belong in a relationship. Her writings were littered with things such as "I am not good enough" or "I chased another one away". It is obvious this individual has esteem issues that require attention. The fact she was looking for someone to love her when she did not have that love for herself was one of her problems in my opinion. She sought a worthwhile dominant yet had little to offer. Her negative outlook on life was evident in everything she stated.<br />
<br />
Another problem was her level of desperation. She went on and on about her "daddy" who was ignoring her and not returning her calls or texts. This went on for months obviously. What is interesting is she mentioned that she asked him to be her daddy, he was not in BDSM before this. She even filled out the slave register as his property. WTF? She got involved with someone who was not in BDSM, was not a dominant other than the fact she thought he was dominant (domineering more likely), and then is surprised when he ignores her totally. Obviously, I am not condoning this guy's behavior. Hell, he can not even be termed a good boyfriend. It is rather obvious that he is a user and a game player. That aside, she went on and on how she loved him and craved the same from him.<br />
<br />
And now for the big twist. On the same day of proclaiming how much she loved him, she posted how she was attracted to another guy and he turned her down. It was because of this that she was done with "this part of her life". Wow. So the guy you love rejects you and your response is to get with another dominant? What a great way to enter into a relationship, get involved with someone to use them to get away from the feelings you have. Leaving the absurdity of that aside, my main point here is the idea that "she is done with that part of her life". To me, this begs the question, what are her other options. Is she going to go back to vanilla? I am going to hypothesize that she did not have raging success there. At the same time, is she going to just ignore what her core is telling her. I am going to presume she realizes that she is submissive and desires someone to take her. Hell, it is pretty obvious that she craves that aspect in her life since she enslaved herself to someone who is not in this way of life (and most likely does not want to be) and then offers herself up to someone else while still being attached to this guy. Yet she is going to allow her frustration to turn away from this and move on. Now, obviously there is a chance, after she pulls herself out of the abyss somewhat, she might change her mind. However, the fact that she is even thinking about it shows her lack of commitment.<br />
<br />
In closing, I just want to re-iterate how important it is to be committed to this way of life. For those who want this as a foundation, it is vital that we do not allow frustration and other missteps along the way to deter us. Whatever you desire, you can have it. The caveat is you have to be willing to keep pursuing it. The online world made BDSM that much more difficult since anyone with a keyboard can become whatever he or she desires. Unlike the past, the screening process is non-existent. Nevertheless, as I stated, the options are few. We must keep plugging along until we reach our desired ends. That is what leads to success, both in BDSM and all areas of our lives.<br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-54976102282079275202016-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:002016-02-12T08:35:11.433-08:00The Art of Domination Part 5This is an evolving series in some of the things that it takes to be dominant. Please check out part 1 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/01/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a>), part 2 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-2.html" target="_blank">here</a>), part 3 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-art-of-domination-part-3.html" target="_blank">here</a>), and part 4 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-art-of-domination-part-4.html" target="_blank">here</a>).<br />
<br />
Today I am going to discuss something that ties into self esteem. I find that an important part of domination is being your own man and really not putting a lot of stock into what others think. Now, please bear in mind I am not referring to being a total jackass and running around like you know all there is to know. As the old saying goes, all our poop stinks. However, when one is truly confident, that is something that really appeals to those who are submissive. Confidence is a wonderful aphrodisiac.<br />
<br />
We all know about the "bad boy" image and how many women are attracted to that. What is it that is the allure? Quit simply, bad boys are those who walk to their own beat. They are exciting, confident, and dangerous. Non-conformity is part of their essence while living life as they see fit. Their decisions are not based upon societal norms. Rather, they are individualistic in their views operating in a manner that society looks down upon. This freedom is very appealing to many.<br />
<br />
How does this contrast with BDSM? Now I am not stating that one has to be a law breaker or suddenly live outside the bounds of society. In fact, this is truly an impossibility. As one who is involved in BDSM, I realize that a large aspect of my life is interacting with people on a daily basis who do not have the same views I have. Even though I am a "rebel" to the conditioning of society, as all people are who are in BDSM, I am conscious of the fact that it is not my place to force others to witness my choices. My rebellion, if you will, is in the mind as opposed to overt action. <br />
<br />
I feel that all of us need to make our own choice regarding what we want from life. Entrance into BDSM shows one shed the beliefs, at least to a degree, of society, instead opting for a interaction structure that is not espoused by the mainstream. Many of us hit this point after bottoming out in the traditional model of relationships. Society has their own views which tends to be counter to that of BDSM. Obviously, those who questioned what they were taught growing up engage in a form of "mental rebellion". <br />
<br />
That said, I do not feel it is enough for a dominant to simply cast off the ideas of society and feel that is it. Instead, that is but a first step. To truly dominate, one must have confidence in the path he is walking. It takes courage to not adhere to the ideas and beliefs of others. Naturally, an intelligent person will take the input from others, whether verbally or in writing, and process it. There are many others that we can learn from to enhance all areas of our lives. However, ultimately, one needs to make the decision of what works best for him (and those involved in his life). This can mean that one runs counter to some who are even in this lifestyle. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it is how you live your life and the interaction you have on a personal level with those in your life that matters. <br />
<br />
A common trait of societal conditioning is the idea of making what others think about you important. We see this with the advertising industry constantly. The entire premise of "keeping up with the Joneses" mirrors this. In essence, it is saying you are not enough unless you own this particular product and that message is delivered to all those around us. Image is everything meaning what others think about you is the central focus. Of course, this is total garbage but we are pounded with this idea from a young age. In fact, peer pressure plays an important role from our earliest of development years. Remember when having the right sneakers was vital and what happened if you had a pair that was considered outside the realm of acceptable. Ridicule is not a fun thing, something kids can be ruthless at dispensing. This mindset simply moved from sneakers to the right luxury car or house to live in. The only change was the price tag.<br />
<br />
A true dominant will not fall prey to these tactics. He is his own man and does not need anyone else to tell him what choices to make. He realizes that he is enough on his own while his worth, as a person and a dominant, is not measured by the car he drives or clothing he wears. Now, I am not going to say that he does not enjoy the finer things in life. It is not uncommon for those in BDSM to be more successful financially than the average person. With this comes the ability to afford the nicer automobile or live in a bigger house. The point is the dominant will decide on these things because he wants them, not because he is concerned about what the neighbors think. Image is not everything to him. Instead, who and what he is receives the greatest emphasis. Enjoying his success in a material way is secondary to the person he is. In other words, he purchases or does those things that make him happy. Other people's views, especially strangers, mean nothing to him.<br />
<br />
It takes great courage to live in this manner. At the same time, one needs to constantly check his motives when doing things. This is not an easy path to walk. The temptation to adhere to what society promotes is strong. We all have years of conditioning, something that did not stop upon entering BDSM. Madison Avenue is still bombarding us with ads and ideas that tie our self esteem to our net worth. Again, this is flatly rejected by our dominant. Like the bad boy I mentioned earlier, he is not concerned about the opinions of others.<br />
<br />
Sadly, we see this idea brought into the lifestyle. Many like to attend events, parties, and conventions. For many, this is an enjoyable time to interact with those who are like-minded, to learn different things, and to feel a part of the community that we have. This is a wonderful thing for one to do if that is his or her ilk. However, the downside to this is there are some who attend the different gatherings with a different motivation. Instead of being there for community, we often see some who want to show off. In other words, their ego or esteem is tied to the viewpoints of others. One example that comes to mind is the master who has his two, young hard-bodied slaves on a leash walking throughout the convention or standing and posing for all to see. This was a situation that was relayed to me about a particular individual. It seems he tied great importance to having others look at him with envy. As first year psychology student will tell you this just screams of insecurity. Now, please tell me how domination and insecurity can co-exist? The answer is they cannot. Of course, it is fair to say that this simply could be the place this individual was at on his path and he will evolve over time. Nevertheless, I use this as an example of someone who is operating out of low esteem.<br />
<br />
Let us contrast that with the old, BDSM veteran in a particular community. It is often not difficult to find someone who is in this way of life for many decades who still attends events I discussed. Unlike the aforementioned insecure dominant, the one I am referring to here shows up for the enjoyment and interaction. He goes about things without concern for the opinions of others. He is will liked and respected. His knowledge and experience is priceless, something that he is willing to share when asked. Overall, he tends to be a nice guy, interacting with those he is involved with as he sees fit and the community at large. His emphasis is on the connections and interactions he has, not on how he is viewed. Even though often skilled in a particular area of the lifestyle, he has a degree of humility about him. Naturally, he prefers to be liked but he understands not everyone will like him. He does not go out of his way to make himself seen. At the core, he comprehends his reason for being at the event and that true BDSM is lived in his home and through the day-to-day interactions with those under his care. To him, BDSM is more about who he is (and becoming) than the show or the scene that he puts on.<br />
<br />
Therefore, I see great importance at working on developing the self awareness within oneself to really not care about the opinions of others. Again, I must stress, this does not mean that one walks around like a belligerent ass forcing others to accept his behavior. This is another sign of insecurity. A true dominant cares about others and their well being. He is not there to create problems or mischief. While not backing down when confronted, he will usually seek a resolution before something escalates. His ego is not tied to be viewed as being right. He knows that what is right and wrong is determined within him, not how others view it. His submissive(s) will be fully aware of this and, most likely, is there because she is drawn to that. Self doubt will creep in at times yet it is something that is quickly dispelled. His actions are designed to appease himself, the one(s) under his care, and those closest to him (such as family). Outside of that, the views of others are not given any consideration. He is his own man, confident, self assured, and honest in his intentions.<br />
<br />
And that my friends is the part of the core essence of domination.<br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-80264444501739980662016-02-10T08:17:00.000-08:002016-02-10T15:06:07.856-08:00The Art of Domination Part 4It seems this has morphed from a couple of posts into a series. Either way, you can read Part 1 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/01/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a>), Part 2 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-2.html" target="_blank">here</a>), and Part 3 (<a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-art-of-domination-part-3.html" target="_blank">here</a>).<br />
<br />
Over the past couple of posts, I covered a few different areas that one should focus attention when determining the merits of one's domination. This applies equally to those who are interacting with a dominant as well as the individual dom looking at himself.<br />
<br />
Today I am going to deal with the big elephant, fear. Fear is something that all humans beings need to control. We all encountered those individuals who were totally driven by fear to the point of paralysis (not literal but in terms of the ability to take action). Their fears are so strong that they, ultimately, sabotage their lives. This is really emphasized when we see the decisions one makes. It is through these decisions that we can determine how well one controls fear.<br />
<br />
Before delving deeper, it is best if I explain fear and the different components. While many think it is a fairly clear cut topic, the truth is there are many different layers. Understanding what is natural versus a figment of the imagination is crucial.<br />
<br />
Fear is a natural part of our biological makeup. Many term this the "fight or flight" response. This is a <i>physical state</i> that is designed to protect it. We know this sensation when we are in a difficult physical situation where our senses need to be heightened. Obviously, this faculty carried a bit of greater importance back in our hunting and gathering days when physical danger from nature was ever present. However, it is still something that resides within us and appears at time. The basic function is to enable us to use all our powers for either fighting the danger or running our rear ends off. Either option is meant to protect us in a perilous situation.<br />
<br />
I would like you to take notice that I wrote the term "physical state". The fight or flight response is derived from external stimulus. In other words, there is a real threat. We encountered a situation, walking around a corner and seeing a bear for example, that necessitates all our physical power. The adrenaline is rapidly pumped into our muscles, the heart rate quickens, and our breathing gets very short. It is through this rapid change that we are either best suited to fight the bear or try to out run it. Once the danger is eliminated, all sensations that arose are diminished back to our previous state. Again, I want to stress the physical component aspect.<br />
<br />
As I noted, this form of fear was more common in ancient times when danger was ever present. Nevertheless, today we find the same reaction when we narrowly avoid an accident when driving or we see our child in a dangerous situation. It is fairly easy to see how the body is in an excited state even a few minutes after the event passes.<br />
<br />
It is easy to conclude there is no controlling the state I just mentioned. Since it is natural we know it exists. Also, it is beneficial to us to have this skill when needed. However, when talking about fear, this is not the aspect that most have difficulty with. The fear that I am now going to focus upon is all mental. It is here where one does not operate based upon external stimulus but, rather, internal ideas in one's head. Sadly, what one is fearing is not real yet a figment of the imagination and this is exactly what a dominant needs to control.<br />
<br />
A fundamental aspect of fear is that, for it to exist, one needs to project from the here and now to a time in the future. This is common since few of us are schooled in the art of present moment thinking. It seems, as humans, we tend to spend most of our lives worried about something we think will happen or regretting something that happened in the past. Regardless of which direction we go, our minds are not in the present moment. Another problem with the idea of projecting is few of us seem to do it in the positive. When we look ahead to a future event, we associate the worst possible outcome. Of course, this instills fear within us, a situation that is compounded since we tend to repeat the same process over and over until the day of "reckoning" comes. What is ironic is that often the thing we were fretting over did not come off as anticipated. Usually, things seem to work out better than one projected. It is only after the fact that one, if honest, will realize the waste of effort and time it was to worry in this manner. Nevertheless, we continue to do it failing to learn the lessons provided.<br />
<br />
Control of oneself starts in the mind. If one cannot control what he thinks, or more importantly, his response to what is thought, then he is a puppet to his emotions. There is no way to eliminate the ideas that pop into our heads. Oftentimes, it is equally as difficult to not feel the feelings associated with those ideas. However, one who is in control of himself will have the ability to ignore what is going on within oneself and take the action required. There is an old saying "courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of the fear". This is very true and something we should all pay mind to.<br />
<br />
Fear, at least the type I am referring to, manifests itself in many different ways. Some of the forms of fear you will see are anger/rage, passive aggressiveness, terror, negativity, and hopelessness. Understanding what "methods" one opts for when dealing with the fear inside himself is crucial. We all tend to be drawn to a couple of different ways of dealing with the mental fear we create. Some are eternally angry always going off the deep at the slightest provocation. This is something who is afraid of not having total control and he feels that rage is a macho way to express that fear. Sadly, we all know that underneath he is just scared. Whatever the chosen path, it is crucial that one overcome this tendency while remembering it is all a mind game.<br />
<br />
Another area where this is evident is in the decisions made. Many people are paralyzed when it comes to making decisions. A large part of being dominant is providing leadership. The ability to acquire the necessary information, process said data, and have the ability to make a decision is crucial. The difficulty arises when one realizes that all decisions are not easy and many are met with ill favor. As it pertains to one's life, it is often difficult to let go of things or people yet is often required. Much is the same way as it could be very trying for a CEO to make the decision to lay off 5,000 people, it is equally difficult for a dominant to release a sub. Not only is the submissive upset but there is also a good chance he is giving up something in his life. However, there are times when standing on principle or removing some toxicity is more important. Those who are adept at leading will make the hard choices while those who cower from it will be left in the lurch. Therefore, determining if one is capable of making the hard decisions is paramount. <br />
<br />
I will give you an example that was recently related to me by a slave regarding her situation.<br />
<br />
There was a master who had a poly household. In this situation, he had two, I believe, subs/slaves with one who being long distance. Without getting into the dynamics of each relationship, the basic issue was that the live in slave was threatened and jealous of the one who visited. She went so far as to sabotage the relationship with the other on a continual basis. From what was explained, she was doing things such as slandering her at the local dungeon and play parties. This, evidently, went on for some time.<br />
<br />
At this point I must say that it is my personal belief that sabotage is something that should never be tolerated. If a dominant is in the poly lifestyle, he needs to be sure he opts of submissives/slaves that are into that also. The poly life is not an easy one to live yet so many state they want it without really being aware of how difficult it is. Nevertheless, one who cannot handle her jealousy in a constructive manner and opts to try to sabotage the relationship that the dominant has with another is never going to be suited for this type of arrangement. Therefore, the dominant needs to take a hard look at what is going on within his home and make a decision. To me, the one who is sabotaging is at fault and needs to be dealt with.<br />
<br />
In the situation that was mentioned to me, the dominant chose to eliminate the long distance slave while keeping the one who was under his roof. On one level, this makes total sense. The long distant one did not provide the same level of service to him that the one who was close to him did. He obviously wanted this individual in his life and I can respect that. However, if he is intent on having a poly household, at some point, this slave, from what I can see, seems ill suited for this arrangement. Yes there is a fear associated with eliminating someone who is there and being "alone". Nevertheless, this is a situation where one needs to be in control of his fear and make a decision based upon principle, not emotion. Losing someone is never easy yet it seems he was pushed into this position. One who engages in under handed behavior is showing what she is. She, in effect, is saying that what she wants is more important that what the dominant wants and she is going to do all in her power to get things as she desires them. This is not slavery in my opinion.<br />
<br />
I use this illustration to make a point. Of course, there is no way to know the circumstances fully nor the thought process of this particular dominant. My effort here is to exemplify how, at times, it is difficult to make a choice especially when you know that no matter which option you select, there will be pain. This example shows how a dominant chose, at least on the surface, to take the easier path. He "lost" less by eliminating the long distance slave while keeping the live in one. The problem is that this situation will arise again in the future the second he adds another. It appears to me a central problem here is the insecurity of the live in slave. Unless that is tended to, he will be on the same merry-go-round with her. I am going to hypothesize this was not the first time she engaged in this behavior. In the end, this dominant ignored the basis of the problem and submitted to his fear of losing out on someone who is there (please note this is all speculation on my part and used as an example).<br />
<br />
As you can see, fear can affect situations in many different ways. Controlling that fear and making decisions in spite of what one is feeling is crucial. A simple fact is there are times in life when we have to do things which we are not thrilled about. Regardless of the circumstances, those who are most successful are able to take the action required in spite of what they are feeling. This same trait applies to the BDSM world. Being a leader is a vital part of being dominant and that entails doing that which is not always popular or easy. However, those who are able to stand on principle are able to hold their head up high. And that is worthy of the esteem of another.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-38505079389230905462016-02-06T10:46:00.001-08:002016-02-06T11:12:30.629-08:00The Art of Domination Part 3This is the third part of my ongoing posts about domination. If you did not read the first two parts, they are located <a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/01/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/02/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-2.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
In the past article, I mention the first two areas to focus upon if one is truly dominant. Today, I am going to add a couple more to the list.<br />
<br />
When interacting with a potential dominant, it is vital to watch how he lives his life as compared to what he says. It is easy to boast about being dominant. However, those that take that approach tend to be domineering. They live according to the idea of do as I say, not as I do. Before one can control another, he must first be in control of himself. This will be evident in the way he lives his life. There are signs which will alert you to whether this guy has dominion over his life or is totally out of control.<br />
<br />
3. Emotion<br />
<br />
The third area to concentrate upon, after physical and financial, is in the area of emotions. A true dominant strives to have control over his emotions. If one cannot control this vital aspect of himself, then all is lost. Obviously, this extends outside the realm of BDSM and penetrates every aspect of one's life. We all have encountered those people who fail to keep their emotions in check. Whether it be anger emerging with out bursts being borderline embarrassing or one who cries uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, we see people who fail to maintain their composure. It is easy to see, how people in this situation, lack control. They are simply puppets to their emotions which are their master. Therefore, I would suggest you pay close attention to any potential dominant who fails to keep his composure in pressure situations. This is a sign of someone who, underneath, truly lacks the control you might require.<br />
<br />
Of late, especially in the NFL, we witnessed a rash of domestic battery cases. Without delving into the psychological details, I will state simply that these are individuals who are totally out of control. Naturally, they play a game that is violent and predicated, often, upon violent outbursts. It is extremely physical and, on many levels, barbaric. Sadly, it is obvious that many of these individuals cannot leave the violence on the field. For whatever reason, even though they make a ton of money and are adored by millions, they still have the insecurity which leads them to be unable to handle confrontations in an adult manner. What is truly repulsive is they end up preying upon the "fairer sex" by their behavior. How difficult is it for a man who outweighs a woman by 80-150 pounds (often sheer muscle) to beat her ass (and not in the way we like)? The simple truth is he lacks the ability to maintain control in a domestic argument and has to resort to violence. A person of this ilk dominants nothing.<br />
<br />
This type of behavior or mindset is not exclusive to the NFL. BDSM is an umbrella that many abusers hide under. Obviously, we are in a way of life that condones the beating of another <i>as long as it is consensual</i>. There are some who are into pain so much that you could term it torture. They enter an arena where the beatings are rather cruel and violent. Again, since it is consensual, and desired, it is condoned. The line is crossed when one engages upon this sort of behavior against the will of a submissive/slave. This is where, in my view, the behaviors enters the abuse arena. One who opts for this path is no different than the NFL quarterback who beats up his girlfriend repeatedly. AN abuser is an abuser.<br />
<br />
When involved in a scene, a true Master/Dominant will be in full control of his emotions at all times. He will not engage in this activity while he is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Also, he will refrain from it when he is not in the proper mindset. I recall one instance where I promised a slave I owned a beating but reneged on that promise since I had an awful day at work and was in an angered state. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to understand what frame of mind I was in and the danger I posed. Let us be honest, few of us are going to be able to "turn the other cheek" or be philosophical about much of what happens in life by stating to ourselves "all is well". The reality is there are times were are going to lose it emotionally. Yes, it is best to keep those emotions in check. However, it is equally important to know when we are in a bad space and remove ourselves from potential situations where we can cause damage. The NFL players I mentioned obviously lacked this ability. Sadly, the same is often true for dominants who take their anger or frustration out on a sub/slave.<br />
<br />
Therefore, pay attention to how a dominant behaves emotionally. If you see him regularly losing it, it might well be a sign that this guy truly is not in control of himself. Naturally, if you are dominant and reading this, if you find yourself in this situation, do what you need to so as to remedy it. Get the help you need so that you can improve in this area. I think it is obvious how crucial this is.<br />
<br />
Before heading to the next one, I was going to mention fear in this section but decided against it. The reason I did this is because this is such a big topic, I will cover it in the next post.<br />
<br />
4. Growth<br />
<br />
This section is an encompassing section which covers a wide range of attributes. I titled it "Growth" because I am a believer that we need to grow to move forward. BDSM is all about growth. We enter this way of life knowing little yet learn and expand as we go along. The journey typically starts with our kinks (which most likely will expand over time) before extending with the realization that BDSM offers the opportunity to live life at a higher level. What I mean by this is that true BDSM people will hold themselves to a higher standard than the rest of society. This only makes sense when you realize the depth and risk associated with true power exchange. A person who takes this from another needs to be responsible with that power. It is something that the average person does not have to deal with in his relationship. Here the dominant is fully in charge and needs to direct things. He cannot absolve himself of the leadership position.<br />
<br />
To cover some of the basic areas that growth is required, I will start with mental. Under mental, I am referring to knowledge. What is the dominant doing to expand his knowledge base in all areas? Is he someone who sits around watching television all day long or does he at least pick up a book once in a while? Does he visit different websites to learn about different things? Are there hobbies he engages upon which expand his knowledge base and skills? Is he studying for something that will improve his future, and through that, yours? And finally, does he make it this way of life and his domination a study? Too many seem to think, as I mentioned in the first post of this series, that having the quality of domination is enough. Few realize that to truly dominate, one needs to make it a lifelong study.<br />
<br />
Another area where growth is required is in regard to ones skills. Focusing upon BDSM solely, for a moment, I will state that any dominant who is not expanding his abilities is going to lose those who are under his control. A sub need to grow also and that comes, in part, by his ability to push her further. Naturally, he needs to have the ability in a particular area before he can push her. Sadly, I saw a great many M/s and D/s relationship end simply because the submissive outgrew the dominant. She progressed while he sat back and felt it his place to be waited upon. He deferred to her on all the effort while giving none himself. Well, I have news for you, this is not a choice. If you are dominant, it is your responsibility to expand and grow because a submissive is (or will) be dependent upon that. Again, this is not a choice. If you cannot handle this, perhaps you need to rethink your entry into this way of life.<br />
<br />
In the next section, I will cover the big elephant in the room. This is a telltale sign of how he controls that which is around him.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-84165270667541078012016-02-01T09:20:00.001-08:002016-02-01T09:46:31.817-08:00What Does It Take To Be Dominant Part 2In my last post (found <a href="http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2016/01/what-does-it-take-to-be-dominant-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a>), I covered some of the basics of domination. In that article I covered how domination is something that resides in the head, the same as submission yet it is our core that determines which way we lean. This natural quality is present in everyone since, depending upon the situation, one has the ability to exert control over. It does not require great insight to determine that even a submissive is not that way in ever instance. There are times, work or in raising children, where she is required to handle the role of dominant. While this is not the preferred option, it is something she is capable of. At the same time, if a dominant has half a brain, he realizes there are times, like in court, where he is at the mercy of another.<br />
<br />
I am going to start by delving into the idea that domination is natural. It is common to see a submissive, especially when she is seeking help with her boyfriend, to state something like "my boyfriend is naturally dominant". This is a belief that I sense many have. Taken at face value, it makes some sense but it does require clarification. As I mentioned, the quality of domination, like submission, are natural. Both are present within everyone as evidenced by the fact that we all can embrace either role depending upon the situation. Certainly, it is not comfortable submitting for a dominant yet it is often done. The same is true for a submissive. Therefore, I will agree that when one states so and so is naturally dominant, that is a true statement.<br />
<br />
The problem arises in the fact that being naturally dominant does not mean one has the ability to dominate. In other words, simply having the quality of dominance within oneself will not automatically translate to being a good Dom. Domination is not a natural manifestation. Yet it does spring from the quality of domination within a person but it requires a great deal more. True domination necessitates self control, a willingness to take responsibility, dedication, motivation, education/knowledge, and the ability to overcome fear. Ironically, this is just a small list of some of the attributes needed to excel at the art of domination. I think you will agree simply being of "dominant nature" is not enough.<br />
<br />
It is interesting to note that often those who are deemed naturally dominant have a life that is totally out of control. I find the best way to measure the effectiveness of a person's domination is to look how he lives. If you find many areas which seem overlooked or like they are not being tended to, this could be a sign that the "domination" you see is nothing more than a cover. Remember when I wrote about cockiness not being true esteem but, rather, a way to mask one's personally held inferiority complex. Cocky people tell you how great they are while confident people show you. It is the same with domination. A truly dominant person will have that attribute apply to every area of his life.<br />
<br />
At this point I am going to cover some of the areas where you should see his domination manifest. Again, like always, I am going to make some generalizations here which will encompass most individuals. Of course, there are going to be individuals who fall out of the range of what I am discussing here or who have circumstances not deemed ordinary. Yes there are exceptions but this can be a basic checklist to work from.<br />
<br />
Inner qualities are manifested in the outer world. Focusing upon the outer results will likely give you insight into the individual and what is operating within him.<br />
<br />
Let us look at a few areas:<br />
<br />
1. Physical body<br />
<br />
I really love seeing the profile posts stating "I am looking for a fit sub/slave; one who takes care of her body and looks good for her owner". Obviously, this is a fine desire until you read the specs on the person who posted this and realize he is 150 pounds overweight himself. Come on...seriously? And this person espouses to be dominant.<br />
<br />
Let us look at some of the facts in this situation. To start, it is no great secret that excess weight, especially obesity, causes many health issues while also shortening one's life. Think of all the people you can who lived past the age of, say, 90. How many of them were extremely overweight? Very few. In fact, consider those who lived past 80 and you will see the same thing. Why is this the case? Simple...the heavier people died. So one who is coming from this perspective is basically stating "I do not care about living a long life with you". In other words, get ready to bury his ass young.<br />
<br />
I will specifically insert a caveat here. I realize there are many who have conditions, such as certain medications, which make weight loss near impossible. Obviously, these people have a valid reason for it. However, with almost half the US either overweight or obese, I fail to see how this is the justification for most. If you are in the 5% of people who have medical conditions/medicines that make weight loss impossible, ignore this. On the other hand, if you do not fit into that category while also not fitting into your pants, maybe pay attention.<br />
<br />
The problem with a dominant who fits into the category is that he lacks the qualities necessary to be in good shape. In view of the shortened life, we can see how the motivation is lacking. It takes effort to get in shape. At the same time, it also requires self discipline to shed excess weigh. One needs to get himself to the gym and work out 4/5 times a week while also eliminating those foods which are harmful to this endeavor. The truth is we all like cake, ice cream, fast food, and candy. However, those who are serious about being healthy and fit have the discipline to avoid these foods in mass quantities. It is said that weight issues are 90% attributed to what we eat as compared to exercise. One needs the ability to exercise control over what goes into his mouth. Those who do not either do not care or they lack the ability. Either is a red flag to me.<br />
<br />
Please bear in mind, I am not stating that everyone needs to strive to have a body like a professional body builder. That is an unrealistic option for most of us. However, take the daily steps to ensure we are healthy and fit is a much different goal. Walking 45 minutes a day had incredible healthy benefits. Eating a diet with many fruits and vegetables aids greatly in getting the pounds off. These are basic components for overall health.<br />
<br />
One final point about this. Not only can one think about the fact that one's overall healthy is important but also that a certain level of fitness is required for some of the activities we are involved in. Much of the play in the BDSM world requires stamina and strength. While one can succeed without being fit, one who is can take things further, hence providing his sub/slave with a enriched experience.<br />
<br />
2. Finances<br />
<br />
Again, we get to a sore subject with many people. It is here that I have to admit many people encountered situations that were outside their control which led to dire circumstances. Loss of job, divorce, or prolonged illness are all situations that arise unexpectedly and can cause extreme financial hardship. More than one person has ended up in bankruptcy court (submitting to the judge) because of these events. Many times, a person simply cannot rebound from these situations. So, if you fall into one of these categories, you are exempt from this section of the article.<br />
<br />
It does not require much research to realize that most people have no financial self control. Credit card balances are so high that people are routinely spending 5%-10% more than they are earning. The age of consumerism has taken full hold of us. Sadly, the mass marketers are well aware of our inability to say no and hammer us with ads proclaiming how we need this new car or that latest phone. Peer pressure is often added to the mix in the "keeping up with the Jonses" mentality. This leads to excessive spending normally using credit in an effort to make oneself feel better.<br />
<br />
It takes great strength to fly counter to what society promotes. Of course, this is not a novel idea to those of us in the BDSM world. Each of us had to reject the commonly held ideas of society pertaining to relationships or else we would not be in this way of life. Certainly, it often was the result of pain that drove us to seek this but, nevertheless, at some point, we all had to question what we were taught.<br />
<br />
The same lesson applies to money matters. We are conditioned by the advertisers that we "deserve" to have whatever product they are selling. At the same time, our worth and esteem is manipulated into believing that it is somehow tied to what we own in the form of the car we drive, house we live in, or shoes our kids wear. Whatever the methodology that is used, the result is the same: to separate you from your money. And trust me when I tell you, judging from the debt the average person has, these techniques are working very well.<br />
<br />
A strong man is able to resist the insanity that is consumerism. Now, that does not mean that he lives like a monk with no material possessions (although he might). However, it does mean that this individual has the ability to live within his means while spending only on those things that are necessary in addition to select "luxuries". A person of this ilk also will save and invest his money so that his future is brighter. He also will have a fund set up to help alleviate one of the aforementioned circumstances should they unfortunately arise.<br />
<br />
It takes great discipline to resist the temptation to spend without thought. Just like with the proper diet, one has to motivate himself towards a greater end. Sure, in the moment buying that item will provide satisfaction. However, in the long run, if one ends up in debt because of a lack of financial discipline, the pain is much greater.<br />
<br />
Now, please bear in mind that I am not saying that everyone needs to become a multi-millionaire. Sure it would be great if it happened for all of us. Nevertheless, regardless of your income (unless it is so low that you are borderline poverty), all of us can save. A true dominant will control his spending and financial life. This is not something that he will leave to chance. Nobody likes the idea of budgeting, refusing one's desires, or hunting for bargains. However, the fact that one is willing to do these things shows that he is willing to undergo the effort to control something that is vital.<br />
<br />
In the next post, I will expand into a couple other areas which should be examined to see if one is truly dominant. The point I want you to get is that domination starts with control over oneself. Far too many people believe, based upon what I read online, that they are capable of dominating another when they exemplify none of that in his own life. If one cannot exercise control over himself, how can he do it over another? Sure, it is easy to bark out orders and say "do this because I told you to". Yet if one is not willing to do the same thing himself, isn't that hugely hypocritical? I tend to think it is. Being a true dom is not about being a hypocrite but congruence in one's life. Self control is the highest form of control one can exert. It is the major leagues. One who lacks control over himself will ultimately fail as a master/dom to another. It all starts with the guy looking back in the mirror and expands out from there.<br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-53320420244327039962016-01-30T06:55:00.002-08:002016-01-30T07:14:13.477-08:00What Does It Take To Be Dominant Part 1Domination is a word that is thrown around, seemingly loosely, in the BDSM community. It is something that is a basic component of our way of life since power exchange requires a dominant coupled with a submissive. Therefore, it is crucial that we understand what domination is all about. Too many seem to embrace the idea without a clear concept of what it is and how to go about developing it. Over the next few posts. hopefully we will uncover some insight into what this characteristic involves.<br />
<br />
A definition of domination is <i>the exercise of control or influence over someone or something</i>. <br />
<br />
So far this is rather simple. Domination is the exercise of control over something. That makes total sense since, as dominants, the idea is to control a submissive one who turns her control over to you. This is the foundation of BDSM.<br />
<br />
Of course, this is where many go wrong. The fact that something is rather simple does not equate to it being easy. The idea that one simply steps into BDSM and is instantly qualified to take control is absurd. Unfortunately, as we know, this is a common belief held by the majority. It is further enhanced because the submissive ones also buy into it especially with their significant others.<br />
<br />
We must start our investigation into what it takes to be a dominant by mentioning that fact that domination is a quality like any other one within the human race. What this means is that everyone has the ability to dominate within them. Of course, this also means that we all have the capability to submit. This is what throws people. Therefore, we will look at where different things are stimulated within our body to clarify this idea.<br />
<br />
First and foremost, domination exists in the mind. This is the place where all our qualities, both positive and negative, reside. Whether one looks at kindness, anger, resentment, apathy, or compassion, these all stem from our thought process. How we think in particular situations determines the quality or characteristic that emerges. This is a critical point to domination. To dominate, one must have thoughts of domination and condition oneself to take control.<br />
<br />
Before going any further, I must tangent here and explain what I mean by the fact that everyone has the quality of domination within them. This is something that seems out of line to many, especially the submissive ones. I can feel the resistance increasing as many read this. However, if you think about it in depth, it will make total sense. Our domination or submission is often tied to the situation at hand. There are times when one is dominant while being totally submissive in others. To illustrate this point, just think about the fact that you desire (or do) submit to your dom. It is something that comes natural to you. However, is the same true for your children? Doesn't one seek to control and guide her kids as opposed to submitting to them? We see the same thing at work. There are many submissive ones who are dominant at work since they hold positions of responsibility. Thus. as you can see, the quality of domination resides within them.<br />
<br />
Let us look at the flip side and really get things stirred up. Dominants have the ability to submit. Read that statement again and feel what emerges from within you. If you are like most, the instant reaction is resistance. It is not something that dominants, especially, like to admit to themselves. Nevertheless, that ability is within one. Here is an example: if you were ever in court, is that an area you dominate especially as the defendant? Of course not. The truth is a that a courtroom is designed to make the one on trial be in a subservient position. The judge, the guy in the black robe, physically sits higher than you while looking down from above. At the same time, the rules are such that he or she is in control of the court room. Only the most foolish engage in outbursts as he sees fit. In fact, one who does this is considered a bit off because responsible people understand the basic premise of the court system and who is in charge. Hence, even the most controlling dominant submits to the wishes of the judge, most often by keeping his thoughts to himself and replying "yes Your Honor".<br />
<br />
Now that we understand that domination, like all other qualities, resides in the mind and that all people have this trait within them, it is time to look at the next piece of the puzzle. For most, when we view things through the domination/submission spectrum, there is one quality that is overwhelming. Obviously, it is this knowledge which leads us to check the proper box when filling out a profile online. The majority do not seem confused on this matter in terms of which is more powerful. Even those who switch tend to have one that is the preference with the other being something he or she prefers to engage upon at times.<br />
<br />
This leads us to investigate what I term "the core". It is our core that determines whether we prefer domination or submission. The quality, itself, is neutral in our minds yet it is the core that embraces one fully while abhorring the other. That resistance which arose when I stated that dominants have the ability to submit, that came from your core. A true dominant detests the idea of submission. Again, unless he is a total idiot, he realizes there are times in society when one must submit especially to a societal established authority figure like a judge or police officer. Of course, this is something he does not like and that feeling comes directly from the core.<br />
<br />
So, what is this core and where is it located? For those who have some experience/understanding with Eastern traditions, the core is what is often referred to as the second Chakra within the body. This is located below the navel right around the pubic line. This is where those traditions believe one's sexual energy resides, which is the most powerful energy in the body. My feeling is this is where all of our deeply preferences reside. It is this place which determines whether we are sexually attracted to men or women. Whether we are an introvert or extrovert is imprinted here. And, yes, this is where we find out domination or submission.<br />
<br />
Here is a quick exercise. Close your eyes and breathe deeply for 20 or 30 seconds. Relax your body; do this in a laying down or comfortable sitting posture. Feel the tension within you being pulled down and exiting through your feet. Do this starting at the head and continue until you reach your toes. Now that you are free from tension, I want you to think about being tied up. What arises within you? If the thought is something you detest and the words "no way" are ready to spring from your mouth, then the core just resisted the idea. Of course, if you thought about it and said "when", that also comes from the same place. What I want you to notice is how powerful the desire, either for or against, is. This came from deep within you. It is for this reason that the idea becomes intensified and emotionalized.<br />
<br />
To quickly recap, domination is a natural quality that is in everyone and resides in the mind yet it is the core which determines whether we are identified as a dominant or a submissive. The emotionalizing of the quality is where the power is generated and comes from deep within us. While one might not like being dominant, there are situations where it is required, hence one is able to fulfill that role. <br />
<br />
Next time we will delve into the "naturalness" of domination while investigating how this manifests and what one should look for.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-18791425390353639332016-01-27T05:50:00.004-08:002016-01-27T06:08:35.785-08:00Shouldn't You Be In Therapy This is going to be a controversial post but it is something I see far too often.<br />
<br />
To start, I must say that I am making large generalizations here but the overall theme holds true. I got the idea for this post in reading what many post online and interacting with a lot of different people over the years who fall into this category.<br />
<br />
My first question is this : <b>do you belong in a relationship?</b><br />
<br />
Think about that for a second before jumping to a quick answer. Many put up profiles on different BDSM sites in an effort to find someone to get involved with. However, when you start to learn more about these people, it is easy to conclude that this person belongs in therapy, not in a relationship.<br />
<br />
People go through a lot of difficult things in their life. We know sexual abuse, abandonment, and physical violence are part of many people's personal history. These circumstances can take quite a toll on the psyche of many. Unfortunately, few get the help required to deal with the damage that is done. We see this in the esteem of many of those we interact with. Either they have the cockiness which is a sign of underlying insecurity or they believe they are the worst thing ever to walk the planet. No matter how this materializes, the bottom line is a person with such esteem issues really needs help.<br />
<br />
<b>BDSM</b> is often a guise for abusers. We read about and hear the stories of what some are made to endure. The problem with these situations, many of them, is that the person volunteered for this. It is quite common for our sub, with no self-esteem, to be so desperate that she submits to the first person who comes along. Simply showing attention to her enables him to stimulate her low esteem and reel her in. Naturally, this is problematic since he has ill intentions. Now, please bear in mind that I am making a distinction between one who truly is prey versus someone who simply makes a mistake by submitting to the wrong fool. The later is understandable since all of us who are in this way of life for any length of time get taken. We all know the pretenders are large in number.<br />
<br />
I use the word prey because our sub with substandard self worth portrays the victim. On a certain level, she likes being treated so poorly since it reinforces what she believes. When one has the outlook "nobody cares about me" or "I deserve to be treated like this", the predators are going to exploit that mindset. Of course, once they do, it only enhances the belief which creates a revolving door. Our sub is only taken lower by each episode; the worse she thinks about herself, the more the way she is treated affirms this idea. Hence, the endless loop is in operation.<br />
<br />
The person I am describing here is extremely damaged. This is not something that should be overlooked and glanced over. There are many who suffer under these conditions believing that meeting the right guy will solve everything. Sadly, because of the person she is, attracting someone healthy is impossible. Sure, she might get someone interested but he will quickly head for the hills once he learns how damaged she is. In the <b>BDSM</b> world, many enter it trying to escape from what they are presently dealing with (either physically or emotionally). Again, the belief is that finding a dom/master will solve everything. It might be of great benefit to her if she could get in a healthy relationship. However, the impossibility of this emerges when she becomes instantly dependent upon the dominant for everything. What I mean by this is that he is the one having to carry the entire relationship. Her esteem is such that she contributes little. She ultimately becomes an emotional vampire sucking the life out of him. Her constant need for reassurance and overwhelming self pity get tiresome. On an emotional level, it is akin to dealing with a 4 year old.<br />
<br />
While this might seem like I am attacking those with these problems, I am not. My point is that one is not going to solve her esteem problems by getting in a relationship (BDSM or vanilla). In fact, the odds of being taken in by an abuser, either physical or emotional, is great. An individual of this sort needs to be in therapy, not hunting for a dominant in the BDSM world.<br />
<br />
Now let us look at the dominant side of the equation. Of course, being dominant means that one cannot show weakness hence the idea of self pity is not tolerable. Thus, our damaged dominant comes across in a different manner. Instead of being overt about it, he covers it up with cockiness. Taking this approach will give the impression that this guy thinks highly of himself when the truth is, he does not. Those who are having to tell everyone how great they are, do not believe it themselves. The individual who has healthy esteem fails to go around telling others how wonderful he is. Instead, he just goes about his business as if nobody is watching. This applies to all walks of life. The confident man shows you what is inside him, the cocky one has to tell you. One comes from a place of strength while the other weakness.<br />
<br />
We see this play out in the cycle of abuse. Naturally, one who is physically abused, for example, by a parent during his development years is, most likely, going to have some self worth issues. As he reaches adulthood, his internal growth was stunted. Hence, when in a position of authority, i.e becoming a parent, he naturally does what was done to him. What is interesting is most people in this situation swear they would not do that to their child yet many do. It is the cycle of abuse that carries it from generation to generation.<br />
<br />
Sadly, many of these people end up in <b>BDSM</b>, a way of life where one submits to certain treatment that can be very harmful if it crosses the line into abuse. It is easy to see how one in this position, with this frame of mind, can cause a great deal of damage. To add to the mix, he is often one who will prey upon our sub with poor esteem since his ability to attract someone healthy is minimized. As you can guess, what results is a very unhealthy and often dangerous situation for the sub. It is under these circumstances that she puts up with all kinds of intolerable behavior and refuses to leave. Of course, she will justify it a thousand different ways but the truth is that a healthy person would head for the door.<br />
<br />
Another question that each person needs to consider: <b>what are you bringing to the relationship?</b><br />
<br />
I tell this to people all the time. When you are looking to interact with someone, what is he or she bringing to the table. Again, this is something that applies equally to the dominant and submissive side of the equation. What is the other person going to do for you? Simply put, we all get into relationships to get something out of them. A dominant needs a submissive and vice versa. It is the yin/yang completion of things. However, if one party is extremely damaged, what is he or she truly offering? If you are one questioning yourself, it is a good beginning. If you are so damaged that you are going to be a psychic vampire or an abuser, a relationship is the last place you belong. Time alone working on yourself, with the aid of a professional, is a better place to start. <br />
<br />
The basic fact of the matter is that nobody else can change you. There is not a single individual who is helpless to alter one's situation. Yes, there are often circumstances which makes things very difficult. Often, hard decisions are required. Nevertheless, over time, one can get out of any situation and, with the proper guidance, move beyond any past issues. Sadly, time is an element that is invested with quick fixes being few. Nevertheless, you can ultimately get to the point where you have a lot to offer when entering a relationship. I would say, if you follow this route, the chances of finding someone healthy (and keeping him/her) are much greater. At the end of the day, we all want fulfillment and happiness. A great part of this is derived from the people we interact with. Be sure you are one who is capable of spreading joy and enhancing the people you interact with instead of continually bringing them down. <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-71744397138196719512016-01-23T10:28:00.000-08:002016-01-23T11:58:10.905-08:00There Is Only LIfe It is fairly common for us to throw out words like traditional, lifestyle, BDSM, and vanilla when describing the different aspects of this way of life and what things mean to us. Obviously, most of us who are around any length of time understand what these concepts mean. It is a way for us to distinguish ideas in our minds so as to differentiate the approaches people have.<br />
<br />
To cover these briefly.<br />
<br />
Traditional: this is a term I use which is synonymous with "vanilla". Basically it means the regular approach people use to relationships. It is a structure based upon parity of equal power. There is not the overt exchange of power which is agreed to by both parties. Also, this is devoid of any "alternative" lifestyle meaning, for example, we are talking about monogamous, heterosexual interactions.<br />
<br />
Lifestyle: this seems to refer to a specific life approach that is consider "alternative" to the norm. Many people consider BDSM to be a lifestyle since it is not vanilla. Other "lifestyle" choices are nudism, polyamory, and asexuality. Each of these differs from some way from the mainstream with people making a conscious choice to live a different way. Hence, these individuals refer to their "lifestyle" choice.<br />
<br />
BDSM: here we hit upon the mother lode. Here we are actively involved in a way of life that is consciously decided where power is granted to another person. It is a structure where interaction is based upon non-parity and both parties not only agree, but seek this out. Of course, many see this as play since they focus upon the whips and chains aspect of things. They embrace what they see in the porn films of ones being tied up and beaten. Hence we can say that BDSM also includes the different fetishes that people are interested.<br />
<br />
Now that we have a general understanding of these terms, I would like to point out something that I see so often as I travel around the online BDSM world. It is fairly common to see someone post something to the effect "I am seeking someone who can have both a BDSM and a vanilla life. I want someone who is dominant in the bedroom but still can meet my family and interact in the vanilla world". It is statements like these that drive me nuts and tells me someone does not have a clue what they are talking about (or they met the pretenders who beliefs are totally insane).<br />
<br />
Here is the deal. There really is no vanilla versus BDSM life. This is complete lunacy. The fundamental fact is there is only life and a path that is littered with a variety of decisions which we need to make along the way. Part of this process is deciding how we prefer to structure our relationships.<br />
<br />
Those who make the statement I just mentioned believe that you can somehow separate BDSM from vanilla and that they are mutually exclusive concepts. They are not. To start, I acknowledge that most of us operate in the real world where we have to interact with people both within and outside of this way of life. In other words, we have jobs to go to which requires appropriate behavior and dress. Few of us are so fortunate to be able to dress in leather and wear cuffs all day. The truth is most of us look like everyone else if you see us on the street.<br />
<br />
It is a rather simple concept. Our private lives are just that, private. Few of us operate in a manner where we advertise our preferred way of life to the general public. It is not uncommon for friends and family to be completely unaware of the choices we made. However, this should not surprise anyone since most people in the "vanilla" world do not advertise their personal choices pertaining to sex. Nevertheless, for some reason people seem inclined to believe that we live in a totally separate manner from society. Again, this is incorrect.<br />
<br />
At this time, I must insert a caveat. There are some people who are in a position to establish BDSM interaction which is basically full time. What I mean by this is that one is dressed and operating under the extreme protocols of another throughout the entire day. There are some who are in leather and chains 24/7. However, this is not the norm. As stated, the vast majority of us intermingle with society at large dealing with friends, family, work, shopping, and a host of other activities that "normal" people do. In this regard, we are no different from anyone else.<br />
<br />
Another problem with the attempt to separate the two ideas is that one is focusing upon the external only. BDSM is not about whips and chains. It is not about protocols or how one kneels. Slavery is not about locking someone up in a cage for days on end. It is not about abduction and forced (consensual) activities. Certainly, they all may be part of one's BDSM life but they are not what makes one involved in BDSM.<br />
<br />
The BDSM life is about taking your internal desires and bringing them outward. What I mean by this is when one focuses upon his or her internal core, the realization, if you are in this way of life, is that you lean towards either dominant or submissive. This is something that becomes clear to people fairly quickly. It is based upon these core feelings that one structures interaction(s) which meet these desires. Naturally, for a submissive, it is interacting with someone who is of the dominant persuasion.<br />
<br />
It is at this point that we see the problem with trying to separate the two "lives". One's natural leaning does not change simply because of circumstances. When one goes about her day, she is still submissive regardless of what she is doing. Of course, there are times when her natural submissiveness needs to be cast aside while she adopts a role of dominant in the case of being a manager or parent. Simply because one has authority and properly exercises it, this does not change the core. The same is true for a dominant. He can have these traits but if he works for someone else, there are times when he is to obey (if you do not believe your dominant ass will submit, just stand in front of a judge and see who is in control of the situation). My point is that one is not separated from the fundamental aspect of BDSM, the core tendency to be either dominant or submissive.<br />
<br />
In closing, while I understand what someone is saying when he or she states that both BDSM and vanilla are sought, bear in mind there is only one life. BDSM is a way of life; it is a structure that we choose to model our lives around. We cannot be separated from our domination/submission any more than one can be separated from his or her gender. It is a part of us wherever we go. The idea that we operate 24/7 full blown BDSM is focusing upon the play aspect too much. Most BDSM relationships appear totally normal from the outside. However, for those who are in the intimate circle, we are aware of the power structure. Nevertheless, this does not mean we see her bound to a St Andrew's Cross or are privy to their personal matters. There are some who keep their private interactions to themselves.<br />
<br />
Remember, there is no BDSM or vanillia life, there is only life. It is up to you to choose how you want to live it. <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-85818886128228970732016-01-19T09:25:00.001-08:002016-01-19T10:09:24.710-08:00Seeking A Sister SlaveI cannot begin to tell you how many times I have seen a profile on the BDSM social stating something similar to this:<br />
<br />
"Master has me here looking for a sister slave to add to his household."<br />
<br />
Every time I see that, I simply want to laugh. What the hell is going on in this world where a Master thinks it is proper to have a slave seek out another slave for him? I mean seriously, what is the mindset of these people?<br />
<br />
Here is a question for all you subs/slaves: who did you submit to? Who was it that earned your trust and got you to agree to be his? I am going to presume that it was him. It was through your contact and interaction with him that you came to understand what submitting to him would be like. The personal attention he gave you made you feel comfortable with him while allowing you to determine if your views/desires/wishes matched up. This did not come through or via another person.<br />
<br />
Once again, if we reach back the traditional world, do we see this in practice there? Obviously, the poly/multi-person aspect of things is not as common as it is in BDSM. Nevertheless, we can see some lessons if we learn them. What happens if an individual is single and having a tough time meeting people? Usually, if the online sources are not leading to success, friends or family will set him or her up with another they know is single. Of course, these people only provide an introduction. After that, it is up to the individuals to interact between themselves to determine if they click or not. The original parties are far removed from the equation.<br />
<br />
Now, some will want to claim that is exactly what they, or their Masters, are doing. The mantra comes back with the idea that "I am only looking on Master's behalf and when I find a possibility, he will take over". Sorry not buying it. To start, how lazy can one be. If a Master is interested in a poly or multi-slave household, it is up to him to find the individuals who will be brought under his roof. Of course, some might want to say "that Master is too busy so I am saving him time". If this is the case, that Master it too busy to look for a slave, then I can assure you, he is too busy to have another one. The simple fact is that prospecting for a slave is a lot less time consuming than training, interacting, and maintaining a true live in slave. Running a house requires a great deal of time and commitment. One who is too lazy or busy to look on his own simply is not qualified to have a multi-slave household. It really is that simple.<br />
<br />
Another aspect of this entire mess is that the submissive who is being targeted should question what is taking place. I chatted with many over the years who were on the receiving end of messages from subs/slaves. I would say the vast percentage of them were put off by the fact they were being contacted by a submissive on behalf of a dominant. The reply to me was along the lines of what I just wrote: why isn't he contacting me himself? I never asked how they took the reply "well he is too busy".<br />
<br />
One point I want to add. The scenario I am portraying here is different from a sub/slave being aware that her Dom/Master seeks another and mentioning it if she comes across one who is seeking the same thing. Many submissive types interact either online or at munches. In this instance, I would say that he referring the other submissive to her owner is a viable move. This, obviously, is a far cry from him sending her out to find him another.<br />
<br />
Also, my point of emphasis with this post is relegated to those seeking another to join a house. If one is simply seeking play, well that is a different scenario. We all know play carries with it a different level of interaction and connection, hence requiring less in terms of the established level between the parties involved. Again, I hope the difference is clear.<br />
<br />
One final objection that is often given is the idea that the subs/slaves need to get along, hence having the submissive search for her sister is wise. Once again, this is incorrect. Is the submissive responsible for house or is the dominant? Part of his obligation when seeking out another is to determine how he or she will fit in the established situation. Yes, there is a time when the submissives need to deal with each other. However, it ultimately is up to the dominant to establish what is proper for the house and how the interaction will take place. Deferring this responsibility to the sub/slave simply does not cut it.<br />
<br />
Being dominant is about taking control and being responsible for what comes along with that control. Too often one wants to be given control while absolving himself of the responsibility. It does not work that way. If you are going to have the power, you best know how to use it. Failure to do so makes you domineering, not dominant. This is just another example of how to achieve that misguided end.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-61252872366029177312016-01-16T07:17:00.000-08:002016-01-16T07:37:16.601-08:00Insecurity Part 2In my last post, I covered the topic of insecurity. While certainly not exclusive to the BDSM world, this is an issue that many have. We see this clearly in the profiles that some post and in how they behave in all their different interactions.<br />
<br />
To start, I will say that we have to be honest about the BDSM these days. In spite of the great benefits the Internet has given our community, the online BDSM world is akin to swimming with alligators. It is wrought with danger. There is not a single individual among us who has not engaged in the online world, via some of the BDSM "dating" sites, that came out of it unscathed. Each of us experienced the joys of the misfits, pretenders, and overall dregs of society. We all know about the lies, disappearing, and abusive tones/behavior that is so common with this medium. It is very easy for one to get frustrated and take much of this personal.<br />
<br />
As hard as this might be to believe, the reality of the situation is that often what takes place online is not personal. That sounds like a far-fetched idea until you consider what actually takes place. Those who seek to harm, whether it is physically or emotionally, do not care particularly about the individual they are affecting. Ultimately, predators feel little for their prey. It often boils down to convenience. That is where one is open to getting harmed. He or she simply was available...the wrong place at the wrong time concept.<br />
<br />
The bottom line is it is best to be as careful as you can. Nevertheless, do not believe that anything we suggest about protecting yourself is 100% guaranteed. The liars, con artists, and manipulators are skilled at their craft. Their art of deception can border on legendary. They prey upon those individuals they can manipulate emotionally, often with the most sadistic of intentions. Therefore, we are all apt to get taken for a ride by these individuals and to feel the pain that they offer. This is why I say, do not take it personally. If an individual is skilled and set out to hurt someone, the odds are he or she will succeed. We need to be very mindful of the fact that a percentage, perhaps a great percentage of the online crowd has ill-intentions.<br />
<br />
At this point we need to embrace the concept "shit happens". The reason I mention this is because you cannot enter this arena without getting a bit bloodied. It simply is part of the game we are in. It is sad to write this but if I am honest, it is the reality of our community (I believe the online world in general...Match.com has the same antics taking place). My regular readers know I am all for personal responsibility and one admitting where he or she screwed up. However, this is much different than internalizing negatively a situation that occurred which is common place within this lifestyle. The analogy that i use is akin to baseball. Strikeouts are a part of baseball and the best hitters in the world get struck out. How would they perform if they allowed the strikeout (failure) to affect their security and confidence? I would presume very poorly. It is the same thing within the BDSM world. If you beat yourself up for getting involved with some of the nitwits, you are going to destroy your confidence and success rate. Take this point to heart, it is all part of this lifestyle. Just like the strikeout in baseball, we all have to deal with the freaks of nature who occupy the BDSM world.<br />
<br />
Another thing I need to cover when dealing with the topic of insecurity is how closely tied this is to expectations. Referring to the liars and cheats, it is easy to see why an individual will tend to be leery when interacting with someone new after going through 2 or 3 experiences with the morons. It gets very difficult to trust when one experiences the same behavior repeatedly. Over time, it becomes very easy to expect the same outcome to arise. The problem with this is we end up actually manifesting what we do not want. Without getting to esoteric, I will simply state that people create what they continually focus upon. We see this when we notice that a person's fears tend to all come true. The reason this happens is simply because the individual is focusing extensively upon his or her fears. Hence, when we are interacting with another and we are expecting something bad to happen, that is what we seek out. Sure this might not be conscious but it does hinder our ability to properly interact. For example, perhaps the fear will cause one to not trust or share openly with the other person. This is something that can adversely affect the connection of two people. Or maybe the person hides something that should be revealed to the other individual because he or she was judged on that in the past. Simply put, we expect something bad to happen thus our behavior emerges in a way that validates this expectation. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.<br />
<br />
As you can see, it all starts in the mind. Going back to the professional baseball player, where do you think his confidence comes from? It is nothing more than a mental exercise. He believes himself to be a success hence his actions mirror that. He does not go to the plate thinking he will strike out but, rather, that he will get a hit. The question is why do you enter into situations with others expecting things to turn out poorly. Sure you have a bunch of evidence in your life to prove that circumstances often end up in pain. However, doesnt the baseball player have hundreds, if not thousands of strikeouts to prove he cannot hit the ball? The difference is the baseball player lets go of the pain associated with past failure while we hold onto it and actually add intensity to it. This is where we go wrong.<br />
<br />
At this point I must interject something into the discussion. I am not talking about adopting a Pollyanna attitude towards things and turning a blind eye to the reality of what we are covering. The truth is there are a lot of scumbags out there with bad intentions. We know the BDSM world is wrought with abusers. It is crucial that one take all the precautions possible to protect him or herself against these people. To stick our heads in the sand about this reality is dangerous. However, once we take those necessary steps, it is to our benefit to see things working out as we desire. It is just as easy to think about a positive outcome as it is a negative one. Nevertheless, it seems that mankind is cursed with the default mindset to automatically go to the worst case scenario. We do not just see things not working out, we see things unfolding in a manner that is totally destructive to our lives. In our minds, this is going to end horribly when, in reality, we honestly have no idea how things will turn out. Do you see how this truly is a mental game?<br />
<br />
In closing, I am going to state that you are worthy. This is something that many seem to have issue with. The truth is none of us enter the BDSM world an expert in anything. I see many subs/slaves beating themselves up for making mistakes. This is part of the learning curve. No matter what your situation in life, you are worthy of happiness and fulfillment. Sure, at present, there might be some issues to work on. Nobody is perfect and we all have things we can improve upon. However, life is a process that unfolds moment by moment. If we are mindful and learn from each situation, we grow. Experience is a wonderful teacher. Sometimes those lessons are difficult in the moment but we can often see the value down the road. Another point that I want to make is that if you are alive, and I will presume you are if you are reading these words, then you survived every situation that you encountered in life. This is true from the time you were born until this moment. Every situation, no matter how painful or horrific, you survived. In other words, you got through it and are here now. Sure there are things in your life now that are not rosy but, rest assured, as long as you do not die, you will get past them. Know that you are worthy and have the ability to get through whatever you are presently dealing with. It might not feel comfortable at the moment yet there will come a time when you do not have the same emotional attachment to whatever is going on.<br />
<br />
At risk of sounding like a personal development blog, I will finish with this: believe in yourself. <br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-48909019497904001522016-01-10T06:06:00.000-08:002016-01-10T06:06:53.436-08:00InsecurityToday I am going to cover one of the quickest ways to sabotage yourself in any endeavor. This principle not only applies to BDSM but to all of life. But then, again, we know BDSM is a reflection of life in general.<br />
<br />
Many philosophical and religious traditions teach the concept of the "here and now" while emphasizing the importance of it. Meditation and other forms of "centering" are encouraged to develop the discipline to control the mind. The tendency seems for people, as they age, to allow their mind to wander. It seems we are always either looking forward to something or reflecting backwards upon an event(s) in the past. While reflection can be a wonderful way to learn, most tend to engage in guilt ridden activities which do not teach but, rather, attack oneself. At the same time, forward projection is done with the same negativity, with fear being the overriding emotion. We look ahead to some event that is going to take place and automatically go to the worst case scenario. That meeting with the boss is not going to go well. She is going to say no when I ask her out. I will have car trouble on the trip. Instead of seeing everything working out for our benefit, we, instead, project things going the exact opposite way.<br />
<br />
Positive expectations are crucial to our personal success. We all know how draining it is to deal with a negative person, one who always casts doubt upon everything. If you do not understand what I mean, simply go to any sports team blog and read the comment section. There is a subset of the fan base who simply will be negative no matter what is going on with the team. Or, try and go to one of the major network news sites. There you will see the same negativity from the populace usually based upon some political outlook. Regardless of the reasoning, people will regularly post how bad everything is and how politician/group is only going to make it worse. This negativity has a way of infecting our mindset completely.<br />
<br />
I will state that many people simply love to worry. To them, it is a national pastime. In fact, I am convinced some are not happy unless they are absolutely driving themselves nuts over something. If the pond is calm, they need to toss a giant rock into it. Life without ripples (or tidal waves) is unacceptable to them. Some are chaos junkies while others are always jumping to the "impending doom" mindset. These are the people who believe that nothing ever works out positively. On the occasion that something does benefit them, the response is this will change. Ultimately, they lack the ability to see the good things that are occurring around them.<br />
<br />
Books have been written about what causes people to be like this so I am not going to delve into it here. The bottom line is these people are insecure to the point they sabotage themselves. They lack the ability to just let things be. We see this manifest in many different forms. One of the major approaches by an individual of this nature is to want to get in and "fix" everything. Instead of sitting back and watching things play out, the individual must confront whatever is going on. While action is a wonderful thing, part of the problem is the person tends to be in an emotionally charged state. This causes one to be reaction and over the top in his/her approach. Mix in a fair bit of negative thinking and you have a recipe for disaster.<br />
<br />
It takes great strength to allow things to be. Now, please understand I am not referring to the absolving ourselves of responsibility nor tending to those areas of life which do require legitimate action. A person of strength knows that he or she has responsibilities which necessitate action. However, this same person is also optimistic in the approach believing that everything will work out.<br />
<br />
This topic takes on more meaning when we view it in the context of relationships. Whether it is the relationship with the capital R or the non-sexual, primary ones, we see the same results. People with insecure outlooks end up sabotaging themselves throughout their life. Few who are healthy want to engage with someone who is continually negative and always looking for something bad to happen. This is not an enjoyable person to be around. Think about your own life. We all have encountered individuals of this sort. They are terrible to work with since they tend to pull the entire outlook of the team down. Quite simply, it gets tiring dealing with someone of this ilk. They tend to always be on the attack with their insecure based thinking which puts others on the defensive. Sit back and think about your experience with individuals I describe herein. How did they make you feel? Was is a comforting interaction or were you continually on edge? Did you find it draining emotionally or were you energized? If your experience is like mine, you will determine that the negative aspects were common. People of this sort simply are not uplifting.<br />
<br />
Now here comes the million dollar challenge....are you one of those people? Honest self appraisal is the most difficult thing for us to engage upon. We tend to be tilted in our view of ourselves. People will either over inflate themselves (accentuating the positive while overlooking the negative) or deflate themselves (accentuating the negative while overlooking the position). The truth is none of us are remotely close to perfect. We all have flaws. At the same time, none of us are total pieces of garbage. We all have wonderful things about us that others can cherish (or we ourselves can cherish). The egomaniac who is constantly telling everyone how great he is suffers from the same insecurity as the one who is always stating what a loser he is. Neither outlook is true yet the insecurity within the individuals is causing the same skewed view. Both are unrealistic while causing problems in one's life.<br />
<br />
We all know the BDSM world is wide and varied. This lifestyle enables us to engage in some pretty extreme activities. One of the things people often are aroused by is degradation. It is something that many enjoy because it really emphasizes the difference in power and "lowers" oneself to help her embrace her place. Without going into the details, I will say that only those who are secure and have good esteem should engage in this practice. Humiliation can be a very stimulating approach to interaction if one is able to handle it in a healthy way. Too many feel themselves garbage, hence deserving of being degraded. This is an unhealthy approach to me. Those who have low self worth are not coming from a place of strength. Much like it takes a strong man to walk from a fist fight, it takes inner power to embrace degradation in a healthy manner. Keeping things in the proper perspective is paramount. Sadly, too many believe they "deserve" this treatment using it to reinforce an unhealthy view of oneself. To me, this is where a line is crossed.<br />
<br />
Adult interaction is a very difficult task to accomplish. It appears that most people, no matter what the age, tend to interact like children. We see this in every walk of life where people are trying to harm others. In the world force, everyone is trying to one up another. Friends gather and assassinate the character of another friend who is not present in an effort to make themselves feel better. People get into relationships with poor self esteem only to end up being hurt either by some predator who preys upon the weak or because they force someone away. Many stay in abusive relationships because they thing they "deserve" it. They cannot imagine being alone (again they project to leaving the relationship and jump to worst case outcomes) thus they remain where they are. Something is better than nothing in their mind. Their insecurity has imprisoned them.<br />
<br />
If you step back for a moment, I think you will see how this concept applies to all areas of our lives. It is easy to realize that these techniques and way of thinking are imparted upon our children. As mentioned, it affects our careers since our outlook as a major impact upon the success in the workplace. Our relationships/friendships are all affected. Few want to hang out with a psychic vampire who drains the energy from everyone he or she comes in contact with. Our health is obviously affected by all the worry and strains we put upon ourselves mentally and emotionally. Finally, our happiness is eliminated since fear and worry are our constant outlook.<br />
<br />
Before ending this post, I will state that I will next post the solution (or at least some techniques) that will help with this situation. However, I am going to offer an example that illustrates what I am referring to. I do not know this individual personally but the way she is was mentioned to me in detail.<br />
<br />
We have a woman who is in her late 30s. She in not into this lifestyle but, rather, leads a vanilla life. The major problem she has in life is she is run by fear...scratch that...terror. She is continually sabotaging all aspects of her life because she cannot get past this hurdle. One of her major desires is to marry and have kids. Naturally, to do this, she needs to date and establish some long term relationship with a guy. This is where she runs into a problem. From the start of the interaction with someone knew, this woman's approach is one of fear. I was told one of her favorite things to do is to repeatedly go to the guy's page on a dating site and see who else he is interacting with. This is done before she ever met the guy. In short, she stalks the guy. Why does she do this? Her biggest fear is that, since she was cheated upon in the past, that some guy will cheat on her. While one could say this is legitimate concern, especially if one desire monogamy, stalking someone virtually before even meeting or talking to them on the phone is a bit excessive. Of course, more than one man latched onto what she was doing and said told her to get lost. <br />
<br />
The question is, do you engage in similar behavior? Do you fire of an email if one does not reply to your initial email within 5 minutes of reading it? Do you turn around and "block" them because they did not respond in a timely manner (in your mind anyway)? Did you even consider that possibly they were involved in something that precluded answering right now? And if they are not interested, why do you feel the need to degrade them...does that make you feel like more of a man? <br />
<br />
Just food for though. <br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-67047013716690675352015-11-30T13:01:00.000-08:002015-11-30T13:50:58.511-08:00What Are Your Limits?Limits are something that many people discuss within the lifestyle yet few seem to take the time to really analyze what a limit is. The dictionary defines limit as:<br />
<br />
" <span class="oneClick-link">the</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">final,</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">utmost,</span> <span class="oneClick-link">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">furthest</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">boundary</span> <span class="oneClick-link">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">point</span> <span class="oneClick-link">as</span> <span class="oneClick-link">to</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">extent,</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">amount,</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">continuance,</span> <span class="oneClick-link">procedure,</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">etc.:</span>" or "<span class="oneClick-link">a</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">boundary</span> <span class="oneClick-link">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">bound,</span> <span class="oneClick-link">as</span> <span class="oneClick-link">of</span> <span class="oneClick-link">a</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">country,</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">area,</span> <span class="oneClick-link">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">district.</span>"<br />
<br />
In other words, a limit is a boundary. The question is where is this boundary and how is it known? Obviously, if we are looking at a map, it is easy to see the boundaries. However, how do you map out the boundaries you have for yourself? How is one to know when he or she reaches a limit?<br />
<br />
The answer to this question is simply experience. A person uncovers his or her limits over time. It is through the interacting with others where we come to understand our limits. For example, growing up, we all know the limits our parent(s) set down for us. How did we come to know these? The most direct way was to test the limits which usually resulted in some form of punishment. Of course, now, perhaps the tables are turned and you have a child(ren) that tests your limits. The bottom line is that through interaction and experience, we are able to uncover the limits for ourselves and others.<br />
<br />
In the BDSM world, the tendency is to label limits either "soft" or "hard". Soft limits are those that are open to discussion under certain circumstances. Hard limits, on the other hand, fall into the "no way, never, not on your life" category. These are those areas that a person is unwilling to engage upon. It is a boundary that one claims an unwillingness to cross.<br />
<br />
The problem with these ideas is that most of the things we discuss/encounter in the BDSM world are fluid. Definitions can be a personal thing in their understanding. What something means to me can be entirely different to you. For example, we know that "abuse" is a limit or boundary people should not cross. One should never take anything to the level where it is considered abuse. I think this is a fairly common outlook by most within the BDSM way of life. However, the difficulty in this concept is defining what abuse actually is. What I might define as "abusive" someone else could consider appropriate. The difficulty arises in that my definition or appraisal of the situation might not be accurate. We all know the vanilla world looks at this way of life as full of abuse when, we who are involved in it, have a much different perspective. Those of us who operate under the premise of safe, sane, and consensual do not believe that BDSM is abusive. Nevertheless, we can see how a perspective plays a large role in how we define things.<br />
<br />
Getting back to limits, one of the things I encountered is the fact that limits can be fluid. What is a limit today is not necessarily the same in the future. For example, in the area of weightlifting, a person might encounter a certain limit today yet be able to surpass it in a few weeks. The same might be true in one's work life. What is difficult to achieve today could be rather simple in a few months with experience and training. The limits that previously existed were removed (or at least moved further out). This individual can handle more. Therefore, over time, as one learns and grows, he or she is able to handle more, changing the limits that were once there.<br />
<br />
We see this fluidity on a daily basis too. Using the gym example again, for a variety of reasons, I might not be able to lift the same weight I was able to do the last time. The result is that my limits actually contracted from the previous session. The same thing can occur in the BDSM world. In the area of pain, I have noticed that a sub/slave often can take varying degrees of pain depending upon the day. There is rarely a continuous level that she can achieve. Some days, for many of the same reasons as the weightlifter, she can take much less than she did in the past. Her body simply contracted the limit area. It is for this reason that a dominant needs to be ever mindful of how the sub/slave is responding during the session.<br />
<br />
The final area that pertains to limits is simply our area of interest change. What is a "no way, I never would do that" becomes an "okay I will try it" 6 months or a year down the road. We evolve as people in all areas of our lives and BDSM is no different. Over time, as our experience and knowledge grows, certain things become of greater attraction to us. Perhaps our understanding changes or we meet someone who can safely teach us what that particular aspect is. For example, one might abhor the idea of fire play until she meets someone who is experienced in it and describes the wonderful benefits while stressing safety when done properly. After such an encounter and, perhaps, a live viewing, suddenly this is an area of intrigue for our sub/slave. Notice how, over time, the limit was removed.<br />
<br />
Therefore, what are you limits? How did you arrive at them? What do the limits mean to you? Are they there because it is an area that you do not like? Or is it a physical/psychological limitation that is holding you back? Have you had someone who helped push you to that limit while trying to gently move you beyond it? What if you could overcome one of your limits, how would that change things? What limits do you hold onto the hardest? Which ones are you willing to never change? What are the ones that you will change? <br />
<br />
Consider all the different possibilities from the perspective that limits are fluid. Of course, there are things that each of us is unwilling to engage upon, no matter what. However, ponder some of the less rigid ideas that you have. How different would things be if you were able to overcome what is holding you back? Would you experience more freedom, and less fear, if you were to change this limit? It is best to remember, BDSM is about the freedom to live how you choose. Do not allow preconceived ideas to handcuff you. Shed light on all that you believe and conclude to determine if they are truly your beliefs and conclusions. If you are like most, you will realize that society has a way of imprinting ideas upon our psyche which we embrace and hold dear. Limits can be another form of bondage unless you determine they are for you. These are the ideas that we must work to rid ourselves of.<br />
<br />
DN
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-77622624371378710742015-10-01T07:20:00.000-07:002015-10-01T07:45:26.982-07:00Self DisciplineDiscipline is a topic that appears to be misunderstood by many. Obviously, this is a part of the BDSM world since discipline is part of the acronym we use on a daily basis. Nevertheless, many people seem to think that discipline is something that only comes in the form of punishment or harness. Sadly, this is missing most of what that word means.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Key To Success</b></span> </div>
<br />
Have you ever considered what it takes to truly be successful? If you study the personal development field, you will come across tens, if not hundreds, of key ideas that are the basis for success. Unfortunately, with so many conflicting ideas to choose from, one could become lost. Personally, this is why I believe so many suffer when embarking upon this realm.<br />
<br />
Many claim that proper goal setting is the key. Still others talk about motivation. Another facet focus upon the idea of a well thought out plan. Some promote the idea of courage. Visualization is another component that many believe to be the link to high achievement. Faith and belief are also touted as the magical elixirs which lead to getting all you want. In short, I could go on for the next hour listing things that are all parts of success. <br />
<br />
In my experience, while all these characteristics are crucial, the one overriding element for success is discipline. Without discipline, all the other attributes are meaningless. Ultimately, action is required in any area before success can occur. We must DO something if we expect to get results (of course, NOT doing something also gets us results, just not what we desire). Oftentimes, this action is not something that we desire. In fact, quite often it is painful to do certain things which lead to success. However, if you want the results, you must take the action. Having the proper amount of discipline in your life is what enables you to do what is required to achieve the results you seek.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Inner Game</b></span> </div>
<br />
Most of my regular readers know that I feel that BDSM is a journey within. This belief stems from the fact that all of life starts with us. It is through our minds that we perceive the world which we live in. Everything we encounter is a result of what goes on between our ears. If one wants to alter his or her present state, delving within is necessary.<br />
<br />
BDSM is considered an "alternative" lifestyle. Why is this? The answer is fairly simple. BDSM is different from what we are conditioned to believe is "normal". The masses (or powers that be) decided what is considered proper and the path to follow and spent years pounding that into our heads. It was nothing more than a propaganda machine meant to control our minds. For those who entered and stayed in the BDSM world, obviously breaking away from this mindset was critical. It was through the questioning of what was "normal" and the lack of fulfillment that resulted which led to our search. Again, I want to point out that this search started within oneself. It is only through the questioning that one determines that the belief system instilled in the mind does not work for oneself. Thus. we start to follow another path in the quest for fulfillment.<br />
<br />
Discipline is also an inner game. This is something that seems to elude many people. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, too many believe that "discipline" is something that comes from outside ourselves. The common view is that a Master is to discipline his slave or that one is disciplined when she is wrong. In other words, discipline means punishment. It is an external influence meant to deter certain behaviors. When looking at the "carrot or the stick" scenario, this is the stick. However, getting back to our success experts, external discipline is not the most effective. The truly effective form of discipline comes from oneself. Hence, self discipline is what we all need to focus upon.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Ability To Act</b></span></div>
<br />
It is not uncommon to read a profile stating "I am looking for a Master to give me the discipline I need in my life". My question is why do you need a Master to instill this in your life and will this really make a difference? So many believe that having someone else who is calling the shots is some kind of magical elixir for accomplishment. While having that accountability is certainly helpful, it is not the end all and be all. The problem with this concept is what happens when that individual is not around? Or even more importantly, what are you doing today since that person is not yet in your life? The obvious answer is nothing since this individual believes discipline is an external event. She simply lacks the internal discipline to act herself.<br />
<br />
Our military personnel are considered some of the strongest people around. They endure tremendous obstacles upon their entry into the military. The entire structure is one of discipline. Certainly, when one is a green recruit, all discipline comes from an external source (usually a drill sergeant). However, over time, the system is established where the discipline moves from external to internal. It is not uncommon for one to make his or her bed, in a military fashion, years after leaving the service. The discipline was such that it became a habit. No external influence was needed.<br />
<br />
We see the same thing happen with those who are fit. If your body is not the way you want it and you are carrying a few extra pounds, the reason is fairly simple in most instances. You either take in too many calories by eating the wrong foods or do not exercise to burn enough calories (or some combination of the two). Therefore, if you are in this situation, it is because you lack the discipline to eat what you should while working out in a proper way. It really comes down to that. A person, on the other hand, who has a nice body, maintains an effective diet while getting the necessary exercise. He or she takes the action on a regular basis to complete the activities which attain the desired result.<br />
<br />
This idea is not relegated to only exercise and weight loss. Take any area of life. People who are slobs lack the discipline to pick up after him or herself. Of course, when we are younger, we have mom after us about that. But what about when we move out? Do we have the discipline to put the plates in the sink and pick up the bath towel off the floor? If your place is a mess, then you do not have this discipline.<br />
<br />
In closing, I will mention that all of us fall short in the area of self discipline at times. There are areas which all of us tend to overlook (read get lazy about). Nobody is perfect in this regard. However, some focus their attention on this more than others. One observation I made over the years is that in the BDSM world, it seems that many feel that this idea only pertains to those who are submissive. For whatever reason, the dominants feel they are exempt from all that they require those under their care (control). This is absolute garbage. The "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy is worthless. A dominant is suppose to be a leader within the relationship. This means that he is tasked with setting a good example. Again, he will not be perfect. However, being lazy and simply barking out orders is not domination. If one cannot control oneself, how in the world does he expect to control someone else? In my mind, this is an impossibility. Domination starts with oneself and self discipline is a central requirement for success. <br />
<br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-7108830116419890712015-06-06T11:43:00.001-07:002015-06-06T12:39:47.534-07:00Power ExchangePower exchange is one of the foundational concepts that exists within the BDSM world. Almost all our interactions center around this single idea in one form or another. A large part of what separates BDSM from the vanilla world is the fact that we are overt about the unequal way we structure our relationships. Relationship parity rarely exists even in vanilla although it strives to promote that concept. Look at any relationship for a short period of time and you will realize who "wears the pants" in that interaction. Certainly, there are relationships where authority determines who has the power. However, even in friendship or romantic relationships, usually one person has more control than the other. This is determined, not so much by position, but, rather, by the personality of the individual. One person tends to take on the leadership role while the other embraces the part of follower. Oftentimes, this is not a conscious decision as much as one's underlying personality emerging. <br />
<br />
BDSM is much different. In this way of life, we are very open about the fact that we are not into equality of interaction. Relationships and interactions are established based upon one's place along the domination/submission line. Here, we find that power is granted to the dominant from the submissive. It is a natural choice based upon the core component of each. Each is following a natural tendency that was uncovered within each of them. In contrast, society created a system or ideal which is not natural, in my view, while trying to mold everyone the same. Under this realm, little thought is given to what is best for the individual. Instead, we get a one size fits all. Most often, this ideal is the monogamous, male/female, one on one, equal basis relationship or what I call the traditional model. Unfortunately, those who are drawn to power exchange, homo or bisexuality, and polyamory need not apply. Even today, people fall into these later categories are considered abnormal.<br />
<br />
That being said, before we explore the concept of power exchange, we best define what it is. Have you ever thought about what power is? Certainly, we mention it often enough on the BDSM sites we visit. Ironically, few of us ever think about what it is we are referring to and transferring.<br />
<br />
According to dictionary.com, <i>power is the ability to do or act</i>. It really is that simple. Power is the ability to get something done. To expand on this a bit further, power is what enables you to do those things that you should do. At the same time, it is also the ability to refrain from taking those actions which are counter productive to what you desire. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, power is both the ability to get your butt to the gym while also holding back from eating those fried mozzarella sticks. <br />
<br />
Notice the individual nature of power. What is ironic, when you look at the definition, you realize that power exchange is a bit misleading. In fact, it is really impossible to turn one's power over to another. The ability to do or act is still within one no matter what the circumstances. What is really transferred is control. Again, looking up the definition we see that control is <i><span class="oneClick-link">to</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">exercise</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">restraint</span> <span class="oneClick-link">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">direction</span> <span class="oneClick-link">over;</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">dominate;</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available">command.</span></i> Certainly, this sums up what we do in BDSM. A sub gives control of herself over to a dominant. While she still has power to do something, he is the one who determines whether it is exercised or not. Nevertheless, since it is common to exchange these two words and ideas with each other, we will operate from this perspective. <br />
<br />
There is a spiritual axiom that says you cannot give away what you do not have. If we think about this in the physical realm, this idea really jumps out at us. How can I give you $20 if I myself do not possess it? The answer is I cannot. On the emotional level, have you ever seen anyone who is not happy pass along happiness to another person. Usually, if one is angry or miserable, those around him or her will not experience happiness in the moment. What usually happens is that anger, tension, and misery are transferred.<br />
<br />
What I am about to embark upon applies equally to submissives as it does dominants. Many seem to think that submissives and dominants are completely different. In truth, they really are not. Their cores are different and actually form a reciprocal arrangement. Therefore, the basic tenets of each is the same in terms of what I am going to discuss here.<br />
<br />
Getting back to the axiom, one cannot transfer what he or she does not have. I think we can understand this point. Applying it specifically to our way of life, one cannot cede over control if he or she does not already have it. Ergo, when looking at the topic of control (power), the starting point is with oneself.<br />
<br />
This creates quite a quandary for many. To start, so many dominants want to control another when they lack the ability to control themselves. They believe their place is to tell a sub what to do and expect her to follow. Certainly that is part of the BDSM arrangement. However, one shows the ability to control by his own life. If one's life is completely out of control, bet the ranch that person is a terrible master or dom. He has no clue how to control anything. Instead of being dominant, he ends up being domineering. Many encounter this when traveling around the different BDSM "dating" site and running into all the pretenders barking out orders. The "on your knees bitch" crowd knows nothing about control. Individuals with this mindset believe that control is about the submissive when it is about himself. This is a major point everyone needs to understand.<br />
<br />
At the same time, a submissive needs to be able to control her own life. She need the ability to get herself to act, i.e. exert power over herself. This might seem contrary to what the BDSM way of life is all about but it is not. Again, if she wants to cede control over to another, she ought to have it to begin with. Someone who has a life that is totally out of control is not submissive but a train wreck. Many times, she is using submissiveness as a means of avoiding responsibility. Understand that being submissive does not make one free from responsibility. Even slaves who are owned have responsibilities and require the power to act when instructed to. Ultimately, one chooses when she is going to exert her ability to act (of course, defying brings up consequences but that is another matter altogether). It is a power that does not go away nor is it transferred. The only difference is that when one cedes control, there is an outside influence "motivating" and directing her.<br />
<br />
Which brings up a question I wrote about in the past: what are you truly offering another? If you have no control over your own life, how can you either give control to another or accept something you have no ability to exercise. I see this regularly when traveling around the online BDSM world. So many want to be "owned" yet you start to investigate their lives and you realize they are offering nothing but a big pile of crap. This is equally true on the dominant as well as submissive side. Physically they are a mess because they eat garbage all day and refuse to exercise. Financially they are in the ringer because they cannot control their spending. Emotionally they are nothing more than children since they refused to engage in the maturation process required to control one's emotions. Mentally they are slightly ahead of moron since they refuse to learn about anything and spend entirely too much time watching senseless television or posting stuff on Facebook. In short, they are a mess yet they feel that entering a BDSM relationship will straighten everything out. Of course, it comes as no surprise when one ends up bouncing from relationship to relationship with no results.<br />
<br />
Thus, I ask you, are you exercising the power over yourself to:<br />
<br />
-get you ass to the gym to lose that weight?<br />
-avoid eating those nutritionally empty foods that are high in sugar and fat?<br />
-living within a sensible budget so that you are not deep in debt?<br />
-keeping your surrounding clean and tidy?<br />
-pressing your clothes so that you put forth a nice presentation visually to others?<br />
-educate yourself about important matters such as investing, child rearing, health, and money management?<br />
-resist spending time online opting instead to take those classes that will further your career?<br />
<br />
Whatever the situation, are you exerting control over yourself to get things done? This is what it all basically comes down to. Waiting until you are owned or own someone else is too late. Discipline is a trait that is required for success in all BDSM interactions (and in life). The only way to establish this characteristic is to exercise it over yourself. Then, and only then, do you have something to offer another person. Remember, before you can give something over to another, you must have it yourself. If you want to cede control, establish it in your own life first. And, if you are on the flip side, if you want to have all the control, make sure you have the ability to apply it to yourself. From my experience, failure to do this will result in failure in all your BDSM interactions. <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-6617714608208604182015-04-11T09:19:00.000-07:002015-04-11T09:26:29.329-07:00Letting GoHuman beings hang onto things emotionally. When compared to other species in the Animal Kingdom, the "enlightened" one seems to create a whole lot of pain for itself. It seems the more developed and advanced we become, the unhappier we get. Ironic that we do not see this in other animals.<br />
<br />
Take a dog for example. You can discipline your dog and 5 minutes later he/she will interact with you like you were always best friends. Contrast that with humans, especially high school girls, and you will see a stark difference. Humans tend to hold onto the past while replaying it over and over in the mind. Feuds can last years between people oftentimes even after the reason for the dispute is forgotten. Of course, this leads to misery.<br />
<br />
Many disciplines throughout the ages have preached the need to let go. While it takes on different forms, it always delivers the same message. One will state that forgiveness is key. Another talks about remaining in the present moment. A third will refer to the idea that it is best not to buy into illusions and the past is nothing more than an illusion. No matter how it is phrased, they all say the same thing. The need to let go of what occurred is imperative.<br />
<br />
As I travel around the internet, I am continually amazed how the exact opposite occurs. People do not forget about the past. Instead, they nurture it and add emotion to the thoughts until they grow and prosper. Sadly, the only thing they are watering is negativity. Few look on the positive experiences. Rather, they dwell upon the loss and what is missing. This leads to a state where one is "hurt" or "scarred". Again, few seem to realize they are simply inflicting the wounds themselves.<br />
<br />
This situation often plays out in the case of rape. Obviously, this is a traumatic and painful experience that many encounter. Going through a rape and the experience cannot be minimized. In this situation, one is victimized by another by being taken without one's consent. However, this is further enhanced when the victim "victimizes" oneself. What I mean by this is the individual replays the events over and over. It is not uncommon for someone to be doing this years later. Naturally, I am not validating the initial crime. Nevertheless, whereas the rapist assaulted the individual once, the individual does it to herself (or himself) repeatedly. One of the first steps in therapy is stop the practice of reliving and replaying the events. Letting it go is necessary to move past it.<br />
<br />
The same can be seen in profiles posted on different BDSM sites. People will talk about their inability to trust since they were harmed by other masters or slaves. Certainly, one needs to resist the desire to act blindly and foolishly. However, every relationship is different and not all are scumbags (just most online). Having an intelligent approach to dealing with someone new is definitely sound. Yet allowing this lack of trust because of past event to sabotage what one is dealing with is basically bringing the past into the present. It is for this reason that many seem to get the same results. If you bring the negative results from past relationships into your present one, what do you think will happen? The only possible outcome is for the past to repeat itself. This is why fear tends to be so powerful and create the results that one least wants. It is impossible for anything else to happen.<br />
<br />
People claim to want to be happy yet they seem to do all they can to counter this outcome. The BDSM world is even worse since we know there is a large percentage of abusers, users, game players, and general misfits of society who do not seek the same end as those who are genuine. People are very willing to lie, mislead, and disappear without considering the pain and suffering they cause another. That is the reality of what we deal with, especially online. However, it must be stated that not everyone is that way. You simply do not know what the next profile holds for you. Perhaps that is the real and genuine person you were seeking. The point is that one simply needs to let go of what happened in the past. I am not recommending forgetting all because that leads to reckless and stupid behavior. However, do not allow the past to dictate all your actions.<br />
<br />
Now I am going to state that many are going to disagree with me on this. That is simply because most are immature. If you do not believe me, watch all the childish behavior that occurs when someone feels slighted. An example is when someone disappears after chatting for a couple weeks. We all know this happens regularly online. It is part of the realm we operate in. There is no way around this. People are going to play games. Nevertheless, you will see some who make a big stink when it happens. They will post entry after entry for weeks, if not months, on end mentioning what this "person" did. The problem is each time this is done, energy is given to this situation. In addition, this individual refuses to move on instead opting to live in the past. It is done...get over it. I know it is not easy but it is the only way. Sadly, many refuse to do this.<br />
<br />
So how do we let go of those things we do not like that happened to us? My answer is to be like Nike and just do it. As moronic as that sounds, it is the only way. One simply needs to move beyond the situation. Certainly, it is important to learn the lesson. However, once that is completed, move on. Take action immediately to move yourself in a different direction. If you are dealing in the online world, send out the next email. Do not allow the disappearing jackass to control your life any longer. Starting chatting with someone who catches your attention. And yes, the exact same thing could happen. However, there is a chance that the next person you are chatting with is real and has what you desire. Either way, you will not find out until you take the action.<br />
<br />
People seem to want to hold onto their pain. It is almost as if, for many, it is a badge of honor. The reality is that holding onto pain only makes you a toxic person. It resides within you like a poison. I fail to understand why, as human beings, we are wired to hold onto pain while letting go of the pleasurable circumstances or memories but that seems to be the case. When we are in pain, fear tends to rear its ugly head. At this moment, there is a new master in charge and it does not have your best interest in mind. Ultimately, one becomes imprisoned when the fear takes over. Paralysis is the outcome since that is its desire. We see this in the inability to open up to another or even send the basic emails. The fear of rejection or getting hurt is too great. Of course, like some of the disciplines throughout the ages taught, this is buying into an illusion. The reality is the past situation has no bearing on the present one. Humans tend to forget this idea.<br />
<br />
Whatever your present situation in terms of frustration, hurt, or anger regarding the BDSM world, let it go. I can tell you that few of us encountered a path without the emotions you are presently dealing with. It is all the same for all of us. None of us are exempt from the games that are played. Nor are we insulated from the pain when a true relationship ends. Nevertheless, moving on is vital. Certainly, there are times when a "mourning" period is required. However, once sufficient time is given here, one must move forward. To do otherwise is enabling the past to dictate your present and this is pure insanity. Stop buying into illusions. Move forward and prosper.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-13408390077806893322015-03-30T06:14:00.000-07:002015-03-30T06:33:42.737-07:00The Rifle Approach I apologize for not writing the last couple weeks. Sadly, I found myself a bit under the weather with a nasty bug which has taken some time to get past.<br />
<br />
Today I am going to cover a topic, like many, that applies to more than simply BDSM. However, since I do not view BDSM as a kink as much a way of life, it stands to reason that all things that apply to life are pertinent to BDSM. My view is simple: BDSM is life. There is no separation.<br />
<br />
There is a saying in the personal development world that most people do not know what they want simply because they do not know what it is they want. This might seem strange until you thoroughly analyze what people do with their lives. Have you ever noticed the success someone with a goal and a plan has? When someone is crystal clear what they want, the chances of achieving that outcome are greatly increase. Sadly, few have this laser-like focus. Instead, most people waffle through life accepting what comes to them. They have no specific goals with plans for the accomplishment. In short, they are not very clear about what they want. Therefore, they do not achieve it.<br />
<br />
The same holds true in the BDSM world. There are many difference facets, avenues, and structures that one can follow. We see this when we interact with someone new and he or she mentions how overwhelming it all is. When we step back, we do realize that this is certainly the case. BDSM can be overwhelming at first. With so many variations available (and acceptable), it is difficult to decipher where to start. Couple this with the fact that, in my belief, we need to engage in extensive inner searching to truly uncover what we desire, we realize that it basically is too much for most people. The average person is accustomed to waffling through life. BDSM offers an opportunity to take control, something most people are not accustomed to doing.<br />
<br />
Freedom is a wonderful thing. Personally, I feel BDSM is the life choice that equals freedom. This sounds strange considering that we are involved in something where bondage and enslavement are acceptable methods of interaction. However, when one is being true to him or herself, as Shakespeare wrote hundreds of years ago, we see that this is, indeed, freedom. One is free to choose basically whatever is desired. The limitations that society likes to erect no longer exist. Outside a few areas, most anything is acceptable (although, unfortunately, you will still deal with judgments even within the life itself).<br />
<br />
A problem that arises is that with freedom comes responsibility. While it is acceptable to have the "kid in the candy shop" situation when first encountering BDSM, after a while it is up to us to start deciding what it is we want. I cannot tell you the number of profiles that I see online where someone writes something to the effect "I am just seeing what is here" and then I notice their profile is a few years old. Naturally, not everyone fills in these profile pages but serious people usually have something to write. <br />
<br />
Therefore, it is imperative that one decides exactly what it is he or she wants. Again, going into the success management field, this is referred to as the rifle approach. When trying to hit a target, a rifle is more accurate than a shot gun. For those who know guns, a shot gun provides a much wider shot. A rifle, on the other hand, is targets and provide a clean hit. We can transfer this idea to our BDSM by simply acknowledging that it is too varied to use the shot gun approach. Shaking a tree and seeing what will fall it simply will not work.<br />
<br />
So, the question "what do you want" is something that everyone needs to sit down and answer. What do you truly desire? What will it take for you to be fulfilled? Are you looking for full fledged service? Do you like poly or do you prefer a monogamous situation? What areas are you willing to explore and investigate? Where are you willing to commit to improving so as to make yourself more attractive to those who are in that particular aspect of this life? What do you want in the other person?<br />
<br />
Now some will say that getting too specific eliminates too many possibilities. To a certain degree I would agree. However, the likelihood of someone being too specific is no where near the odds that one is too general. This simply is human nature. Remember, we are not accustomed to deciding, in detail, what we want. Therefore, take the chance on overstepping the bounds and having too narrow a search. You can always change it later. <br />
<br />
One final thought on this subject. You must decide what are the major sticking points for you. The truth is that it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone who lines up with every criteria you set down. Thus, it is imperative that you identify the major necessities for you. For example, if you are seeking service that includes domestic work, you best be sure that one you are interacting with is willing to do that. Those who only want bedroom submission tend not to line up when confronted with domestic duties. The same is true for fetishes. If you are a diaper girl, you should make sure he is into that sort of thing. If not, as you can imagine, some conflicts will arise. A situation like that is going to require some bending that each part is unwilling to do. <br />
<br />
Remember the idea of a rifle. A marksman is successful because the target is easily identified and he or she can take aim at it. Apply this to your life (BDSM or otherwise). What is it that you want? Answer this question in great detail and you establish a target. Then, you simply need to concentrate on hitting it. But, at least you have a direction to go in which is more than most out there who are simply floating with the current. <br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-50824713511560515632015-03-12T06:34:00.000-07:002015-03-12T06:46:14.990-07:00What Is Normal?We use words such as lifestyle, vanilla, and traditional. Non BDSM people tend to use words such as perverted, sick, and abnormal to describe us. Obviously, we know, there is a major difference in perspective. Yet this brings up the question, who is correct?<br />
<br />
To start, I want to state that I do not like the term "lifestyle". BDSM is not a lifestyle although that word is tossed around quite frequently. I feel this is done to put this in a neat little box which is not possible. This is not a lifestyle but, rather, my life. Quite simply, people who are committed to this way of life simply made a choice of how they prefer to live. It is no different than someone entering into a traditional marriage, being dedicated to a religious order, or a lifetime commitment to celibacy. People are free to chose how they want to life. For us, BDSM is the path we opted to follow.<br />
<br />
That being said, most of us do not live this 24/7 in the sense we only interact with other people involved in BDSM and partake in the activities around the clock. Most of us operate in the real world knowing that responsibilities still persist. We are pragmatic in our outlook. For example, most of us are well aware that one can be owned. However, when it comes to work, while the Master might determine if she works or not, while on the clock, she has another Master called a boss. This is simply how the world works. Those of us involved in BDSM realize this basic fact of life and interweave our decisions with the rest of the world.<br />
<br />
Getting back to some of the terms that are tossed around. My basic question is "what is normal". We hear it bantered about frequently, especially amongst the media types (i.e. wind filled talking heads) that espouse their grand wisdom on t.v or the radio. However, do we really know what it means? What are they referring to when they state "this is normal" (or usually this is abnormal)? What does it mean to be normal?<br />
<br />
Once again, if we give it a little thought, we come to realize that what is normal is really a mirage. It is simply a set of standards, mostly unwritten, that society adheres to. However, the majority of society does not have to adhere to them. In fact, as we know by being in BDSM, most people stray from the common bounds of normalcy although they tend not to advertise it. We only need see the success of 50 Shades to understand how many people have thoughts of power exchange and the number of people who actually considered it. Of course, out of that total, a percentage will have engaged or experimented with it somewhere along the line. Therefore, even though mainstream society calls us abnormal, the truth is that the majority of people have at least considered what we are into. In fact, I would guess that the vast percentage of people have tried some form of BDSM play in the bedroom at least once. Certainly, these are not "lifestyle" people but it does show that the inclinations that we follow are "normal".<br />
<br />
What is evident is that normalcy is just a perspective. Throughout history, there are times when normal is simply what is the majority. For example, did you know there was a time it was considered abnormal to be left handed? Since most people are right handed, anyone who used the left hand was thought of like there was something wrong with him. Most of us have read or heard about the societies that really tarnished people for masturbation considering it sick and abnormal. If I am not mistaken, people were institutionalized for it at different times throughout history.<br />
<br />
The sad fact is that society presents a viewpoint which causes people to feel guilty if they stray outside the bounds of what was established. What is even more asinine is that people are made to feel bad for even thinking of things that escape what is considered acceptable. How many times have we seen someone post something about following those "dirty thoughts that I have had since I was a young girl"? My question is what makes a thought dirty or clean? Obviously, society will tell us that whether it be the schools, parents, or religious entities. However, they are simply promoted their biased agenda which suits them. The truth is one is free to determine whatever he or she opts to. Of course, this requires exercising free thought. There are no dirty or clean thoughts...there are just thoughts. It is the judgment that one places upon them that makes them one or the other. Unfortunately, much of the internal judgment is driven by the conditioning one received growing up.<br />
<br />
My view is there is nothing wrong with the BDSM way of life. On top of that, I actually believe it is the only natural way to establish or structure interactions. Equality was created by man in an effort to create a "level playing field". The net result of this is that the power ends up in the hands of a select few. Equality is a path to real slavery. Look around the world today and see where equality ended up. In BDSM, we are very open about the fact that interactions are on a power exchange basis. There is nothing equal about how we structure things. Again, this matches nature. Notice how the lion is the king of the jungle and not the rest of the animals. Throughout the day, one operates as a predator while another is prey. Of course, this can be reversed and the predator becomes prey to something either bigger or faster. Either way, notice there is no equality. In fact, equality is abnormal hence why it seems not to work.<br />
<br />
I doubt I am the only one who believes the world is upside down. Society has a way of touting its ideals which may or may not align with what any particular individual believes. Actually, again looking at 50 Shades, oftentimes the viewpoint of society does not match what a great percentage of the people think. Nevertheless, those who are in control, the ones with power, have the ability to insert their ideals upon the rest of the masses. Sadly, most are sheep simply taking what is served it. BDSM offers the opportunity to think for oneself. Since normal cannot be described, the idea is for each of us to determine what is "normal for us". This involves going within to decide what is present. It is through this process that one can determine what is the best choice for his or her life. BDSM is about freedom and it starts with the freedom to choose for yourself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-49519578463624570932015-03-10T06:20:00.002-07:002015-03-10T06:34:24.073-07:00Versatility of a MasterMaster<br />
Dom<br />
Daddy<br />
Sadist<br />
<br />
I come across profiles stating that they are seeking one of these. This got me thinking, what do these particular words mean and where does one fit on the spectrum? How is it that a man is a master but not a daddy for example? <br />
<br />
A master is one who is capable to "owning" someone and controlling her life. This is the most basic definition of it. From this basis, one acquires certain skills that enhance or add to their interaction. Most masters will have a basic understanding of motivation, psychology, finance, leadership, and other matters which provide direction for the relationship. At the same time, he will contain qualities such as courage, strictness, discipline, determination, compassion, empathy, patience, and forgiveness. Please notice how some of these characteristics fall at opposite ends of the spectrum. Strictness and empathy tend not to go together in the minds of most. Yet, a true master will have both and apply each when necessary. If one does not have the full spectrum of qualities, I believe you are more likely dealing with a pretender or an abuser masked as a master. Being strict is a part of the program. However, if one is so strict that there is no leeway or flexibility, that is abusive. A good master can be firm and harsh when needed while also being considerate and caring.. They are not mutually exclusive.<br />
<br />
Most of my regular readers know that I feel the title of the dominant is mostly determined by the place the submissive occupies. Once one is able to master fully, it matters not where the submissive falls on the spectrum. He is able to fulfill her. In other words, he is versatile enough to adapt to her needs. What do I mean by this? A master can own a sub. In this instance, he most likely, in common terminology, would be called a dom. Of course, this does not make him any less of a dominant than when he was called a master. His abilities did not change, only the state of the submissive. In fact, depending upon the situation, he might be a master to one and dom to another. The same is true for being a sadist. If he is with one who is a masochist, then that is a part of their interaction. Naturally, if she is not into that, then, while the ability and quality remains in him, it is not a part of their relationship.<br />
<br />
Here I am going to insert one of my typical caveats. On the subject of sadism, I do not believe that it belongs in any relationship where the submissive is not a masochist. In other words, a submissive who is not into this form of play should not have to endure impact play. Nor should she be beaten to satisfy his urges. In my mind, this is the definition of abuse. Sadism should be the deriving of pleasure by imparting pain on another who ENJOYS that. If one does not like it, then it becomes abuse. (Pain as a form of punishment is acceptable as long as the criteria are clear and the pain imparted matches the offense).<br />
<br />
Getting back to the topic at hand, my point is that whatever term is applied, they all can be fulfilled by the same person. As I said, once an individual learned the art of domination and control while engaging in the internal search to uncover what is truly within him, then he is able to fulfill most anyone who comes under his control. Therefore, if one is looking for a dominant as opposed to a daddy, then he can fulfill the little girl in her. Too many believe that a master is only sadistic and harsh. But, as I mentioned, with the spectrum of qualities, a good master is also nurturing and caring. Only the idiots believe that it is an all or nothing affair (and put on their tough bravado). <br />
<br />
An interesting aside to the idea of a master/daddy dom, I once knew a couple that lived M/s for many years. They were together for a couple decades. What is interesting is that the master once told me, that as time went by, their relationship morphed into more of a daddy/babygirl as opposed to master/slave type situation. The same two individuals involved in the relationship containing the same abilities yet the relationship altered in terms of the interaction changing the definition.<br />
<br />
The bottom line is that the dominant needs to be able to implement what is needed into the relationship to fulfill the submissive. Those with the idea of looking for one "title" in particular are eliminating many who are exactly what they need. Of course, with the online world made up of mostly pretenders, this is a safe practice. Nevertheless, when dealing with someone real, it is best to remember that even if he is a sadist, he is not only that. A master is a holistic person able to operate in a wide range of situations with a variety of personalities. For whatever reason, it seems the term master is equated with harshness, violent, and intolerant. Are there those out there who call themselves masters who fit this description? Absolutely. However, I would not call them master but abusers. Again, a true master is able to operate along the full spectrum.<br />
<br />
Food for thought.<br />
<br />
DN
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-63089197137534366102015-03-09T07:01:00.001-07:002015-03-09T07:01:22.815-07:00Life<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>There is no normal life....there is just life.</b> -Doc Holiday</span></span> <br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-79400030385334196712015-03-06T11:42:00.000-08:002015-03-06T12:24:00.691-08:00I Am Not A DoormatToday, I am going to write about a topic that absolutely drives me nuts. As I make my way around the virtual BDSM world, I look at a ton of profiles. Over time, it is easy to pick up on the general things that people encounter. This particular subject is so common that it has to be mentioned.<br />
<br />
We all know that the idiots and misfits of society views subs, and slaves in particular, as people who are less than they are. This leads to the tendency to look down upon one which is followed by actions reflecting that viewpoint. Naturally, this creates a scenario that leads to slaves posting things on their profile.<br />
<br />
Whenever I see someone write "I am not a doormat" or "I am not weak", it tells me that one of two things is going on. Either we are dealing with an individual who has no idea what slavery is all about or it is someone who dealt with the multitude of dumbasses that seem to be drawn to this way of life. Regardless of what the cause is, it is based upon a false premise.<br />
<br />
I am going to emphatically state here that slaves are NOT weak people. At the same time, they are NOT doormats. In fact, I could make an argument that slaves are the strongest people within our way of life. Few ever take the time to consider the inner strength and trust that is required to cede all power over to another. Volunteering to live in a TPE situation is something that requires one to dig deep before entering. To believe that anyone can do it is a mistake. Only a certain few can pull it off successfully.<br />
<br />
That being said, I must state that I use the term "slave" to denote someone who is in or seeking to live in a TPE situation. This is an individual who does not want any control or power other than what is ceded to her by the master. Now, some operate under this premise while calling themselves subs. That is fine. Whatever the terminology that is used, the basic idea holds.<br />
<br />
I think it would be worthwhile to consider what a slave goes through in making the decision to give herself to someone. As mentioned, we are dealing with TPE so the slave has no say over her life except what is granted by her master. This means things such as where she lives, if she works or not, what clothes she can wear, and who she can interact with. Depending upon the master, she might be required to learn extensive protocol. Even without this, there will be house rules which she is going to certainly have to adhere to. The interaction with her family might be controlled or determined for her. In short, every aspect of her life is out of her hands.<br />
<br />
For many this is a dream state. This is the ideal they seek. However, do not underestimate the risks. We all know this way of life is wrought with abusers. A slave, just by her nature, is in a position where one can take excessive liberties with her, to the point of causing harm. This is something that we all need to continue to fight against. Nevertheless, it does happen so we are remiss if we do not mention it.<br />
<br />
A slave has a mind that needs to be developed. The master is in control but that does not mean he has all the answers. Drawing upon the business world, if the master is the CEO, he has the final say. Yet that does not mean he is the only one with some knowledge. A slave is a valuable resource and often will have good ideas. A master is best served by hearing her voice and considering it before making a decision. It is this process that enables him to make more informed decisions and create more harmony within his home.<br />
<br />
It seems that many miss the basic premise of BDSM which is growth. Time and again we see that people are basically looking at slaves as idiots. Of course, this is done by those I call morons so that ought to say something. Nevertheless, most are fearful of an intelligent, strong individual. This is not what they seek. They intentionally focus upon those who appear dim-witted. The reason for this is because they truly are insecure about their domination. It is no challenge to control and dominate someone who is weak. However, it takes great strength to be able to handle someone who is strong and intelligent. This is just too much for the masses. Instead, they opt to treat all at the level they can handle which is pretty low.<br />
<br />
In closing, remember this idea. If a slave truly is property, it is your place to make her as valuable as possible. Utilize the resources within her and do not treat her like she is a doormat. Simply because one opts for a position of servitude, that does not equate to weakness. As I mentioned, I believe that is actually a sign of great strength.<br />
<br />
DN<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6239336914160909269.post-15693920199923424732015-03-04T06:52:00.002-08:002015-03-04T07:21:17.337-08:00My View On SlaveryWords carry great meaning because of the images they present in our minds. Humans think in pictures and the greatest writers were those who could instill the best images via their words. Therefore, when we seek to try to understand something, it is best to understand the terminology we use and what it means. Today, I am going to present some of my ideas on slavery and what certain aspects mean.<br />
<br />
Much of my thoughts on this subject, like many things in life, have changed over the years. My overall summation of slavery is best described in the Nordic sense of the word. Historical imagery is powerful albeit not always correct. While agreeing that we operate in a consensual way of life, there are aspects of slavery which can exceed that.<br />
<br />
To start, we look at some definitions that seem to confuse many.<br />
<br />
<b>Free Woman (or Man)</b>:<br />
<br />
This is any non-slave. Period. This includes all dominants, submissives, and anyone else who does NOT identify themselves as a slave. A free person is born free and always will be free. This person is not destined for ownership unless he or she does determine at a later time to be truly a slave.<br />
<br />
<b>Slave:</b><br />
<br />
A slave is someone who seeks total and complete ownership. This is an individual who desires to live under a total power exchange situation. All power is handed over to the owner. To me, this is an extreme relationship set up and there is no middle ground. Any power that a slave has only exists because it is granted to her by the Master. Naturally, for this to work, the power she is ceding needs to be to someone worthy of it and able to handle it. But, then again, that is a different matter altogether.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Another aspect is that a slave only makes the decision to submit once. In other words, her one major choice is whether to be a slave or not. Once this is done, she is now "property" of the lifestyle. She is no longer a free woman. Her days of taking a free breath are over. She is a slave the rest of her life and a commitment she is to live up to.<br />
<br />
That being said, there are two states of slavery we must detail.<br />
<br />
A slave can either be owned or unowned. Too many make the mistake of believing that if a slave does not have a master, then she is not a slave. That is not true. This is akin to stating that one is not a woman if she does not have a husband. Once a person decides she is a slave and remains fully committed to that, she is worthy of that title. Of course, the commitment must be to the full power exchange I mentioned. In my mind, anything short of that, like sexual slavery, is not true slavery. Under this name, it is a full power exchange in one area while power remains in other areas. Certainly, this is an acceptable relationship structure yet it is not slavery.<br />
<br />
Therefore, a slave is unowned if she lacks a master. Once she becomes property of another, she ceases to be unowned and can claim to be owned.<br />
<br />
<b>Old Tradition</b><br />
<br />
There is one concept that I want to interject that was used in the past yet has fallen by the wayside. Earlier, I mentioned that a slave makes one major decision: to be a slave. Obviously, when you read what is written today, this is not the belief. Many believe the slave decides who she is to submit to. I can agree with this simply because there are so many pretenders so the likelihood of dealing with a true master are minimized when looking at the numbers. However, this was not always the case.<br />
<br />
There was a time when a slave was not released. The reasoning was simple. To start, a slave is a slave hence not capable of freedom. Another aspect to this was the unfairness of releasing a slave and putting her on her own. Anyone who lived 24/7 knows the pain that one endures when released. Not only does she have to deal with the ending of a long term relationship but she also needs to learn how to live again. What I mean by this is that she instantly has decisions thrust upon her. For many, this is as painful as dealing with the loss of her relationship.<br />
<br />
In the past, on the dominant side, there were mentors. People did not call themselves dominant simply because they read a few webpages. Instead, one was trained by another at the finer art of ownership. This relationship was one that lasted years with both parties growing and helping each other. It also set up a chain of ownership which was crucial for the slave(s) involved. Therefore, if a relationship was ending, especially for the reason of death, provisions were made for the slave to have a new home (and owner). Usually, she was turned over to either the previous owner's mentor or perhaps one that he mentored. In other words, a slave was not set free on her own. <br />
<br />
So what is the practicality of this idea today? I would say not very good. Sadly, many slaves are released without provision simply because this concept was completely lost. As mentioned, we start with the simple fact that most dominants are full of crap (as are many of the submissives). They are not true practitioners of domination but, rather, game players or, worse, abusers. Either way, there is a great amount of uncertainty as to what one is dealing with. In addition, few engage in being mentored into this way of life. There are no chains of ownership available since everyone is on their own. <br />
<br />
Which brings me to my final point. I have seen too many simply let go without a single provision for her future. To me, anyone who does this is NOT a master. A true master would never operate this way. If a slave is let go from a TPE relationship, the master will accept responsibility for her until she gets established on her own. In most instances, this means money. Is it not interesting that many are perfectly willing to take the proceeds from a slave's work yet unwilling to give some back when the relationship ends. This is unacceptable. A master needs to be setting aside provisions in case something happens. If the end does occur, for whatever reason, the onus is on him to make sure she has some funds to get herself a place and pay her bills until she can get established. His responsibility does not end simply because the relationship ended.<br />
<br />
While finding another owner might not be practical in this era, at least he can be a stand up guy and ensure one aspect of her needs are taken care of. Too many seem to be tossed out without a thought and, to me, that is not mastery. Frankly, it is another form of abuse. Masters need to operate on another level as compared to the rest of the human race. When you have the power of one's life in your hands, it is crucial you are responsible with that power. Therefore, thinking the entire thing through is vital. Ownership is not all sunshine and roses. Remember that.<br />
<br />
DN<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/dennis-najee/an-owned-life/ebook/product-17374785.html" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> for your version of <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life</span>.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Click </span><a href="http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/" style="font-weight: bold;">here</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site <span style="font-style: italic;">An Owned Life Community</span>.</span>Dennis Najeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06173974192478158833noreply@blogger.com1