October 31, 2012


"Only the strong survive" -Jerry Butler

Many view the BDSM world differently than the traditional world.  Those who regularly read my blog understand how I often draw on the comparisons to mainstream life to analogize what we do in the BDSM arena.  Overall, life is still life yet a great number approach it like something foreign.  It need not be this way.  Most of what you learned growing up and throughout your adult years applies to BDSM.  The only difference is how we structure things.


Many operate from the misconception that there is an inequality in terms of strength.  Power exchange is exactly what it states: an exchange of power which results in an inequality amongst the participants in an interaction (or relationship).  The fact that power resides heavily or exclusively with one person does not directly reflect anything about strength.  Strength is something that should reside within each person.  Sadly, too often, it is not.

Newer people will believe that since the power lies with the dominant one, that the strength is also present.  Those of us who are around this way of life know how untrue this could be.  There are many dominants who were ceded power but were weaker than the slightest twig on a branch.  They were no more able to handle this responsibility than the man on the moon.  It takes great strength to responsibility assume control of another person's life.  This idea, in spite of all the misleading, is fairly well understood.

However, one idea that surpasses most people is that the submissive needs to be equally strong.  Just because someone is handing power over, that does not equate to weakness.  On the contrary, to properly cede control requires a tremendous amount of strength.  If you do not believe me, try to do it for even a part of the day.  Most people find that when the situation does not mandate it, they have a difficult time doing this.  The reason is because strength is required. 

Weak People Are Prey

Many of us witnessed the train wreck that many people are when the first enter into the lifestyle.  As was mentioned above, most seem to think that the common sense ideas that wee instilled throughout life somehow do not apply.  This type of thinking makes one vulnerable to the predatory forces which exist within this community (and most others).  If one does not have the knowledge and strength to sensibly approach this way of life, failure, or worse, is certain to ensue.

Relationships, even power exchange, are a two way street.  Both parties are responsible for giving if the relationship is to be successful.  It can not be a one-sided affair.  A dominant is responsible for the direction of the relationship and making the decisions where necessary.  As stated, this requires the willingness and the inner gumption to want this.  It is uncanny how many people want power without responsibility.  The two go hand in hand.

At the same time, a submissive also needs to be strong.  The best way I can describe this is that she is able to stand on her own without another.  People who are completely dependent upon another are unhealthy.  When involved in a relationship, a person of this ilk becomes an albatross.  While many think that BDSM is the solution to their relationship woes, they find that they meet the same end.  Inner strength is needed for relationship success.  When one operates from a complete point of weakness, he or she becomes a burden to the other.  Ultimately, this gets tiresome for the person who is carrying the relationship.

There are times where everyone is weak and needs help being picked up.  Life is a bastard in that it will slap us senseless at times.  However, there is a big difference between moments of weakness and residing in that state perpetually.  Before entering a relationship, BDSM or otherwise, a weak person needs to work on strengthening him or herself.  This includes being able to manage one's life, emotional state, fear, and financial affairs.  Self improvement is a quest everyone should be on.

Strength is the only way to protect oneself.  Those who are weak get swallowed up.  Life is a series of tests which, if undertaken, will build up one's resolve.  Whether dominant or submissive, each needs to have something to give to the relationship.  "Carrying" the other person all the time is not a pathway to success.  A one-sided affair of this magnitude will ultimately destruct.  Take every precaution to ensure you are not the one dragging the interaction down.  Instead of looking outward for the answers, delve inward.

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October 27, 2012

Tempering Excitement

It is human nature to get excited about something new.  Most of us know the feeling of anticipation to Christmas morning and all the new gifts that we will receive.  The question of whether Santa will be good to us or not is on our minds for weeks.  Ultimately, the day arrives when we find out what is under the tree.

Adult World

When we enter adulthood, the maturation process takes away from these childhood antics.  To start, our expectations grow.  No longer is a bicycle enough to send us into emotional nirvana.  Instead, an acquisition such as a car is required to result in the same emotional state.  This is only true, of course, if we are not stuck with the car payments.

Another part of maturity is the day we finally understand that Santa Claus does not exist.  In the world of childhood fantasy, it is easy to believe in the idea of "something for nothing".  Sadly, in the real world of adulthood, we know this is not realistic.  Everything comes with a price.  We have to invest before receiving an ultimate payoff.  Often, the price of admission is financial.  Other times we see our investment to include the thing we call time.  Either way, effort on our part needs to occur for us to see the results.

Emotional Control

Part of being an adult is attaining the ability to control our emotions.  Those who lack this skill tend to fare poor in our world.  Understanding that everyone is not going to cater to our every whim is something many of us realize during our schooling years.  Every person has a degree of self-centeredness but adults know that has to be tempered.  Compromise is part of life.  Many times. the compromise is nothing more than us accepting what we are told to do.  Our working careers are usually an example of this.  A person always has the choice to hem and haw about the situation.  However, rarely does it ever change anything.

Relationships are another area where we see this same idea.  Even in the BDSM world, where one is dominant and the other submissive, there is a give/take scenario that occurs.  People are human.  There are certain needs which have to be met within each of us.  If these things are overlooked, a person will not be fulfilled.  This will lead to a host of other obstacles within that relationship if not addressed.  Emotionally, one cannot enter in with the mindset of me, me, me.  This might come as a surprise to some dominants out there who mistakenly believe it is all about them.  Healthy relationships are always a two-way street.


Excitement is a wonderful thing.  Everyone likes the thrill of emotionally looking forward to something.  As was mentioned, anything new that we like tends to have a higher degree of emotional payoff for us.  This is natural.  However, mature adults realize this needs to be balanced with good ole fashioned common sense.  Those who get too excited without being able to reign in the emotions are apt to put themselves in dangerous situations.

In the BDSM world, this is most commonly seen among newer people who are just finding this lifestyle.  While we all know the enthusiasm which is felt when one finally "comes home", it is a prime example where common sense and tempering are required.  Like anywhere else, the BDSM arena is wrought with dangers and pitfalls of which a person needs to be mighty careful to avoid.  Sadly, we are not able to avert them all but minimizing the impact is crucial.

New people have the idea that they want to rush headlong into this way of life.  Commonly one wants to go from vanilla to full BDSM in a matter of weeks.  For some reason, the notion that relationships take time to develop is erased completely.  Our new person is focused solely on "riding the bicycle" that was found under the tree.  The fact that it is not even assembled is of little concern.  The excitement is too great to stand back.


It is at this point we see one's vulnerability on full display.  If one is not emotional controlled, he or she is apt to be manipulated.  There are hundreds of stories posted about BDSM "relationships" which were nothing more than predatory conquests by someone who had unethical intentions.  A lack of common sense due to emotional exuberance puts one in such a position.  Often the person is hurt and the hope that it is only emotional pain that one needs to experience.  Sadly, we see people also suffer physically or financially.

Another area where one is vulnerable is with the person he or she is dealing with.  One of the most difficult things is to see the reality of any situation when we have emotional investment.  When something is new and we are operating from that nirvana, we are likely to magnify only that which fits that model.  We see this quite regularly in posting of people with a new Master, as an example, and how wonderful he is.  Reading these makes me wonder if the 2nd coming is before us.  I think we might have found that which they say was prophesied so long ago.  This Master most definitely is capable of miracles.  Wonderful is quite simply an understand.  The excitement for this person is spewing for every word that is written from our new person.

Ultimately, we know this person is going to experience a rude awakening.  The truth is that nobody can fulfill these expectations.  Our person is overwhelmed with the excitement, usually of just the experience of BDSM, that she losses all sense of balance.  Emotion control left and that childhood fascination took over.  While this is not a problem on many levels, when it makes us blind to the potential harm that is possible, then it should be of concern. 

Vulnerability is something we all have and can be safe when in trusted hands.  However, judging the person who is entrusted with that is not possible when we have the "excitement goggles" on.  Be mindful of this the next time you are apt to go head over heels.

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October 20, 2012

Not To Submissive To Everyone

There is a statement that I have seen over the years which really tells me how misunderstanding people truly are about this lifestyle.  Those who have read what I wrote over the years know that I like to draw parallels to the real world.  It is easy to exist in a bubble when engaging in fantasy.  However, life is lived within the confines of time and space.  Ergo, we have to interact with those who are not living the same as us and, in most instances, adhere to their rules.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice but it is not something that removes us from the mainstream of life.  All the problems that others face are experienced by us also.

That being said, I often witness people make the statement "I am not submissive to everyone".  This is a outlook that really peaks my interest because it is so obvious a 4 year old can see it.  Nevertheless, many seem to feel that total submission applies to every single person out there.

While this is written by those of submissive persuasion, I notice many "dominants" who feel the same way.  This is an example of an area where the online world has blurred what reality is.  Many who have this outlook are online people with little to no real world experience.  If they do, they tend to gravitate towards those pre-established methods which removes responsibility from them.  Being a Dominant or a Master requires one to be able to excel in many areas of life.  Following a set of already written guidelines does not cut it.  Yet, online, this is commonplace.

The truth is that the entire BDSM world is established based upon choice.  This is a consensual lifestyle.  People make the choice whether to enter or not based upon desires deep within that person.  As experience/knowledge is gained, one also elects what paths he or she will follow.  Finally, that person will also decide the people he/she prefers to interact with.  This is critical in understanding the obvious was aforementioned.

A person chooses who he or she will submit to.  Using the analogy to what people understand, a married woman is web to only one person (we will leave the poly situations aside for the time being).  When a woman says she is married, she does not mean that she is married to everyone.  Nor does she have to make the statement "I am not married to everyone".  Well of course not.  Only a fool would believe that.  Yet when we transcend over into the BDSM world, it seems that many feel a person, by their submissive nature, is submitting to everyone.  This is completely false.

In closing today, I will point out the fact that submitting and being respectful are two totally different things.  A submissive person should show respect for a dominant person.  Naturally, the same should be returned.  Just because one is dominant, that does not give one a license to act like an ass.  At the same time, a submissive might choose to submit in certain manners to a dominant one even if there is no "relationship".  Again, that is a choice.  The dominant one should not expect that.  There is absolutely no obligation on the part of the submissive to adhere to anything that the dominant says in this situation until there is an agreed upon arrangement.  Short of that, all interaction is voluntary.

Remember this the next time you feel the need to state that you are not submissive to everyone.  Also, think hard about a person you are interacting with if they have the expectation of your submission.  It shows a clear lack of the obvious on his/her part.

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October 3, 2012

Learned or Natural?

Do you think that domination or submission is something that is learned or it is a natural desire within each of us?

Obviously, society does not value domination.  We see this in all walks of life.  Religions tell us that "the meek shall inherit the Earth".  Our government stress the importance of fairness and equality.  Getting along with others is a value that is important in all arenas.  Compromise and avoidance of conflict are stressed in comparison to sticking to one's guns and standing on principle.  All these things take away from the dominance that is within many.

Naturally, the social conditioning does not equate to submissiveness being instilled.  One who is naturally dominant tends not to become submissive even with constant conditioning.  I will admit that there is a tendency to suppress the natural desires a bit but to turn the other way is not likely in my experience.

I am going to presume the same is true when looking at one with submissive tendencies.  Certainly, a person of this ilk will adopt a dominant stature in those situations where necessary.  We see this all the time of submissives/slaves who are in the business world.  Because of the requirements of their profession, many are "in charge" of others during work hours.  The difference is that in this instance, this individual is embracing a particular role to meet certain requirements i.e. cash flow.  I do not believe this is where this person is happiest yet he or she can excel because of training and experience.  The goal will be met but it isnt a natural occurrence for this person.

And what about those people who waffle back and forth.  In this instance I am not referring to those who are switches.  Instead, I mean those who one year claim to be dominant and the next to be submissive.  Or, we often see a person who states he or she is one thing, dominant as an example, yet exhibit none of the tendencies of domination.  We find the result is usually a person being bossy as opposed to dominant.  The true science/art of domination is completely lost on this person.  We can also say the same about the submissives (especially online) who claim to want to give up control and then whip out their 1500 item do not do list.  Ultimately this person is submissive only one Weds between 3 and 4 in the afternoon while in the state of Missouri.

My experience is the satisfaction comes from being in touch with the natural desire within us.  This is something that is uncovered, not learned.  There are aspects of each that is learned but one who is attempting to live in congruence of his/her core is going to find fulfillment.  The rest seem to be playing games.

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