October 26, 2010

Raising Standards

Many of the topics that I write about are not exclusive to the BDSM way of life. The reason for this is because this lifestyle does not alter the basic rules of mankind. Many of the teachings about success, relationships, and personal growth equally apply to someone who opts for this path. However, as my regular readers know, there are some twists to the lessons of the traditional world.

Standards: The Bar of Success

Quite simply, the level of success anyone achieves, in any area of life, is in direct proportion to the standards that person has. In other words, whatever the bar of success is, that is the level most people aspire to. We see this in business, sports, and relationships.

To illustrate this point, in years past Tiger Woods was by far the best golfer in the world. Now, let me ask you, was his talent remarkably better than the others out on the PGA tour? While a case is made that he was further advanced in terms of talent, the truth is that Woods held himself to a higher standard. His goal was to win every tournament he entered. Second place was a failure. This is the mindset he had each week for years. Contrast with the others who were happy if they won. He expected it.

We can also see this concept played out in relationships. Have you ever seen that man or woman that makes others envious? This is the type of person who turns heads whenever he or she enters a restaurant. All of us, at one time or another, have dreamed about what it would be like to date someone of this magnitude. Yet, how many of us actually have? The truth is the many of us told ourselves we could never get someone like that and settled for something less.

As an aside, please bear in mind that I am not stating that the only worthy people have movie-star looks or that relationships are based solely on the physical. I am using this as an example to illustrate the belief that 'someone is out of my league'.

These two examples show how the standard one sets has a direct influence upon what is achieved. If one wants to achieve more in his or her life, he or she just needs to set a higher standard.

Self Esteem

Self esteem is a factor that plays a large part in this idea. I found that the standard people hold themselves to is directly related to their level of esteem. A person with high self worth is not going to tolerate settling for anything less than is possible. At the same time, people who lack this crucial asset tend to underachieve because they are willing to accept less.

I write frequently how many submissive types tend to lack a healthy esteem. That is an observation based upon encounter hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals of this sort. Therefore, one of the major responsibilities of the person to whom he or she submits is to raise that person's esteem. Sadly, this creates a paradox since the lack of esteem usually equates to one getting involved with someone who is substandard. This is where the trollers are given an opportunity. If all submissives had a fair amount of self worth, the pretenders would not stand a chance.

It takes a great deal of esteem to believe that you are worthy of the highest that life has to offer. This is something that few, inside and outside the lifestyle, can do. Tiger Woods was able to view himself as head and shoulders above the best golfers in the world. His standard is that he wants to be 'the best who ever lived'. This outlook is not possible unless he has the esteem to match it. The same is true for you and every endeavor that you embarked upon. If you think you are worth more, you will set your standards higher.


Like most everything in this lifestyle, this particular concept is not only applicable to the submissive personalities. Dominants have to undergo the same process of looking at his or her standards so as to move forward. If a person of this type carries a low esteem, you can imagine the level that he or she will strive for. Again, we get substandard results.

I am a believer that one cannot effectively assist another unless he or she is first willing to undergo the change. Raising standards is not exception. If one is going to be a successful Dom/Master, that person must first be willing to raise his (her) level of performance. Shedding off the old standards is the initial step. If this is difficult, then that person needs to focus upon his (her) esteem level to match up the expectation with self worth.

A large part of a submissive types growth is going to be in this area. The truth is that many enter this lifestyle with a life that is in disarray. For whatever reason, the majority believe this way of life is the answer to all their problems. And, on one level, it is. Of course, the key factor is whether or not the person gets with the right person to set him or her on the proper path (we are assuming the person we are referring to is cut out for this way of life to start). A Dom/Master must hold one to a higher set of standard because there is a terrific chance he or she is incapable of doing it. This is part of being an effective dominant.

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October 23, 2010

Trust: The Foundation

On my BDSM social site, a conversation recently occurred which dealt with trust. The writer basically was making the case that she did not trust her Master because she had caught him in a number of lies. Of course, this leads one to a crossroads: what to do? It is something that is never easy but requires a decision. Today, I will express my thoughts about this highly important matter.

The Foundation

I will state that trust is at the foundation of every single relationship. Without it, there can be no success interaction between two people. When one does not trust another, he or she is continually on guard. It is a natural defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves. Whenever we find ourselves dealing with this type of situation, we experience tension. It is not a pleasant place to be.

Before going any further, I will state that each of us had an interaction where our trust was broken. Perhaps it wasnt in a romantic type relationship. Nevertheless, we all know the pain that goes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what another will do.

Do not take the statement that 'trust is the foundation of every relationship' lightly. Let us use the employer-employee interaction as an example. An employer trusts in an employee that he or she will show up for work when scheduled. This is the starting point. Also, that same person is entrusted to complete certain tasks that go along with the job. The company is willing to exchange compensation for this activity.

Of course, we see relationships damaged when that trust is broken. What happens once the person misses work a few timed without valid reasons? Suddenly, the employer starts to questions the capability of this person. Instantly, the trust starts to diminish. Of course, it can be eliminated in an instant by really falling short on a particular assignment.

The reverse is also true. An employee trusts that when he or she shows up for work, the doors will be unlocked. At the same time, in exchange for the time put in, the employee trusts that the paycheck will be given at the end of the week (or every other week). Again, we see how fragile this trust is. What happens when the company comes back one week and says the checks wont be available for another week? Trust is instantly destroyed. I have known people who worked for organizations that told them not to cash their paycheck for 3 or 4 days...it wasnt a pleasant experience for them I can assure you.

So, as you can see, trust is at the core of all our interactions with other people.

Trust And BDSM

Trust takes on a deeper meaning when we shift to our primary relationship. Naturally, the depth that this type of interaction goes requires a great deal more than some of the secondary relationships we have in life. Having the full trust in and of our husband or wife is crucial for a successful marriage. Over time, people travel to depths where they trust in others of this sort completely. BDSM is no different in this regard.

However, I will state that I believe having trust in another is even more important than in the traditional 'romantic' relationship. That does not mean I am diminishing it in this forum. My point is that a BDSM relationship has a couple of characteristics that heighten the need for trust even more.

One of the differentiators of this type of relationship is the exchange of power. Whenever anyone enters into this arrangement, especially on the submissive side, he or she is entrusting the other person with a great deal more than the average relationship. Safety is the first thing that comes to my mind. A submissive needs to trust that he or she will be protected by the dominant one. Having this trust is necessary since there are many times where he or she is in a physically vulnerable state. One only needs to look at the results of scenes gone awry to understand how important trust in the right person is.

There is also the component that one is ceding power in a TPE relationship. When doing so, one is trusting the other person is able (and willing) to guide the relationship in the proper direction. Being the dominant one in a BDSM scenario entails a great deal of responsibility. Is this person worthy of this responsibility? If so, one is more apt to trust him or her. Of course, if that person is up to the task, trust flees like a deer in the night.

One final thought: the fact that trust is at the core of all relationship exemplifies to me the need for time to interact before making any commitments. I see people, especially online, submitting to another after one or two conversations. To me, that is absolutely ridiculous. How can anyone entrust in another without even knowing the person? The truth is he or she cannot. No matter what the lifestyle, there is no eclipsing some of the basic tenets of human relationships. Those who try ultimately meet with disappointment. Take the time to develop the trust between you and anyone you are considering. It will do more to enhance your chance of success than anything else.

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October 19, 2010

Being A Good Person

This sounds like a post that should be located on one of those 'woo woo' blogs where people talk about feeling and being good. While there certainly is truth to that dynamic, this is also something that applies to the BDSM world. As you travel around the web, you will find that not everyone you encounter meets the aforementioned criteria.


Have you ever thought about what qualities are needed for being a good slave? Or, to look at the reverse, what are the traits needed to be a good Dom? Are these things that you commonly find in most people? These are all questions that I considered over the years. And my conclusion is that few possess them.

To start, the online world is a forum for dishonesty and misleading intentions. The anonymity that it provides enables people to create persona which may or may not reflect reality. Sadly, I see so many who buy into the online persona believing that the ideal match was found only to later realize that one was tragically misled.

Therefore, be sure to consider the qualities that a person exemplifies before considering him or her for any interaction. The truth is there are no shortcuts in this life any more than in the traditional world. People, for some odd reason, believe that entering this life will solve all relationship problems he/she encountered over the years. This is a belief that meets with a disappointing ending.


Being a good person means being infested with goodness. Of course, the definition or traits that equate to being a 'good' person will differ for each of us. Nevertheless, it is safe to say that dealing with a person honestly is at the top of the list. Nobody likes to be lied to nor misled. This single characteristic eliminates most of the online morons since I believe, based upon personal research, that more than half the individuals in this medium (within the BDSM community) are misrepresenting themselves in some manner. Obviously, this puts the odds against someone immediately.

I often tell people, either dominant or submissive, to ask questions of anyone who he or she is interacting with. Some will use the belief that a submissive is not entitled to ask questions because of her place. If anyone tells you this, go to their profile page and write 'fake' on it. Everyone is entitled to ask questions to get to know another person. One cannot make a life decision without the necessary information.

In addition to honesty, I feel that integrity is also part of being a good person. This is something that is larger than honesty but still applicable. Integrity means being a decent person from top to bottom. It is the living according to a set of ideals or principles which hold oneself to a higher standard. This is vitally crucial in a BDSM relationship since each person has a responsibility to the other person. I do not believe anyone can be a good Master nor slave without having integrity. When one is conditioned to live according to less than admirable standards, he or she will ultimately only use the other person. This is another situation I see too often.

Being a good person means that you will behave in ways that produce the best results for all involved. Overtly selfish people cannot meet this criteria since they are too self-absorbed to consider others. At the same time, this same person lacks the maturity to successfully engage in a relationship of this magnitude. Considering how others are affected by one's actions, whether dominant or submissive, is a sign of a good person. Those who are only out for their own ends cause havoc every step of the way. These are the people that you want to avoid.

In closing, I will mention that it is best to remember all the life skills that you learned over the years. Many of the same attributes which create success in all relationships are applicable here. At the top of that list is common sense. Please do not forget to use your naturally gifted mind. Common sense will help you avoid many pitfalls that ensnare so many others. Use your head...you will not regret it.

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October 18, 2010

A Place For Real People

I am writing this as a way to notify everyone of an option to the traditional BDSM sites that exist. If you arent already aware, over the past year we have developed a BDSM community to rival some of the other sites that presently exist. However, we did seek out on difference: to establish a place where people who are truly interested in this way of life can share their real time experiences.

Fake Prevention

One of the biggest problems with the popular 'bdsm communities' is that they are infested with people who are trolling around looking to make an easy score. While their motivations are many, most of them are playing online games looking to meet their short-term needs. They are not really interested in delving deeper into this way of life.

At the An Owned Life BDSM community, we seek to prevent the fakes from ruling the roost. This site is not designed for quick searching of members of the opposite sex. Interactions requires time and effort, something that the fakes detest. Also, it is a community which fosters the sharing of knowledge between members. Those looking to just 'hit on a bunch of people' tend not to stay around.

Social Features

We have a variety of features common to social sites. To start, there is a twitter-like feature where one can post short blurbs about ideas floating through one's head. This is also a terrific play to have back and forth real time conversations.

In addition, we have a forum, chat bar (like Facebook), a chatroom, and blogs. One is also able to post things on another's profile page much in the same way as Facebook. Friends can be added to make for easier interaction with like-minded people.

Every month we are adding new features to make the site more enjoyable for everyone who visits. Come join us and share you experience and desires.

Visit http://anownedlife.socialparody.com if you havent already done so.

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October 16, 2010


I am continually amazed how most want to jump into a full-fledged TPE relationship within a few minutes of finding this lifestyle. It is baffling how people instantly believe that they are capable of living as a Master, Mistress, or slave without any knowledge about what this life is about. Most believe that since they were always dominant (or submissive) they are able to immediately get into a relationship. As many find out, this is incorrect.

Knowledge Takes Time

Knowledge is something that takes time to acquire. There are many ways to go about gaining it but the most common are by living through life lessons and reading. Sadly, most want to go out and get themselves some experience instead of spending the time reading and learning. A lot can be garnered by studying the wisdom of others. Following this route can also avoid many pitfalls.

Experienced people like to share their knowledge. We write posts on different sites for the benefit of newer people. This is where a lot of experience can be garnered. Through the words of others you can see their feelings, what they went through, and how they handle different situations. All this will play into your decisions about different aspects of the lifestyle.

Patience Is The Key

As mentioned, most seem to want to jump into a relationship immediately. My question is how do you know what you are even looking for on another person(s) if you do not understand your particular aspect of the lifestyle? Just because one believes he or she is dominant, that does not make them ready to be a Master or Mistress. By the same token, I see so many who proclaim themselves "slaves" without even an inkling what that truly means.

Just yesterday I was conversing with someone who is new and seeking information. The best suggestion that I had for her was to be patient while reading all she could. Get a variety of viewpoints about the life before making any decisions. It is crucial for one to determine where he or she fits before seeking someone to compliment that decision. I find that most reverse the process and add someone into the equation before deciding where he or she fits. This is the proverbial horse before the cart situation.

There is plenty of time to move forward and get yourself involved with another. However, in the intern, relax and try to learn as much as you can. This will alleviate a great many headaches down the road. Remember, getting into a BDSM relationship is easy compared to keeping one going. You can snow someone in the beginning. However, they will ultimately find out that you do not know what you are doing if that is the case. This is not something that can be faked.

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October 15, 2010

Plight In Life

This is going to stray a little outside the bounds of BDSM. I am going to share some observations about what I notice going on this the normal world. There are going to be some presumptions but, as I age, I see people who opt to fit into one of the two categories. Notice how I said the word 'opt' since we all our life is nothing but choices.

The Two Categories

Using out BDSM terminology, I noticed there are people who are Masters and then those who are slaves. Society, of course, uses different terms. It prefers to call people 'leaders' and 'followers'. The leaders are the one society esteems while the followers are looked down upon. This is the way it always was and, I presume, always will be.

The ironic thing is that few people consciously choose their plight in life. Instead, it is thrust upon them by the environment they exist within. We all tend to be products of our surroundings. We ultimately emulate those who are closest to us. Business leaders tend to breed other business leaders. Blue collar workers do the same thing. While we might envy others in a different situation, we usually follow those who we interact with.

The Ingrates

The world needs both sets of people. For many, the life as a slave is a perfectly acceptable way to live. There are many who do not have the material wealth but are rich in other ways. They live life according to their own precepts and reside the dogma that is forced upon them by others. Overall, they are wonderful people who truly make an impact on those around them.

Then there are those who are the exact opposite. These are the people who are societal ingrates. When one looks at their lives closely, it is easy to see they serve no purpose. If the person disappeared tomorrow, would anyone miss them? We find these are the people who deep down are not very nice people. They do not contribute but, rather, take in all instances. People like this attempt to use everyone they interact with. Instead, I believe these are the ones that are meant to be stepped upon. Too often, I find the situation is easy to turn on them. A lack of intelligence is often a barrier that cannot be surmounted.

No Equality

There is no such thing as equality. Nature dictates this to us all. Whenever one analyzes the natural laws, it is easy to see that there is no such thing as a level playing field. Realizing this will make your life a lot easier. It is those who hold out the false hope that someday everything will be 'just' who keep buying into the polyanna pipedreams. Life is a difficult challenge that rewards those who excel. Those who fall behind get swallowed up.

The ingrates in the world end up getting swallowed up in their own deception. Those who have the inner strength to grow, learn, and improve are the ones who have a chance. They are the individuals who have the ability to move from slave to Master. Choosing to live your life according to someone else is something that most do not even opt for themselves. Instead, they allow others to dictate this to them. At the same time, those who make the conscious choice to move in the direction they desire find they never have to bow before another individual. Life is a conscious choice that requires a great deal of inner searching.

BDSM Is A Conscious Choice

Anyone who is new to BDSM is beginning the search. This is the stage where one needs congratulations. Few ever take this initial step which is so life altering. It is not easy to remove oneself from the dogma that society preaches. Cultures typically do not promote the idea of individual choice or freedom. Sure it is paid lip service but society is about obedience and control.

Those who choose to break free from this mindset and search out the path to their own fulfillment requires strength. BDSM is one of the avenues people can opt for to find happiness. We all were confronted with the fact that what we were previously doing was not working. BDSM offered the route to entertain our desires. Suddenly, many of us found that the BDSM way of life provided a great deal more. However, none of it is possible unless one makes the conscious choice to begin the search.

Everyone has a different plight in life. There are many out there who seem to be 'born to be stepped on'. Nevertheless, these type of people are not involved in the BDSM way of life. Anyone who undergoes the necessary inner examination to determine what he or she wants and has the guts to follow that, is not a weak person. Thus, that individual will always be able to hold his/her head up high. There is something special about a person who is willing to walk away from the masses to pursue his or her own end. BDSM is where one can adopt a new plight in life.

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October 14, 2010

Guilt: A Powerful Weapon

Guilt is a powerful weapon that many people learn to use to manipulate us into behaving exactly as they desire. This is something that many learn from a young age when they start to guilt their parents into proper behavior. The line 'you dont love me' is a sign that one is trying to guilt another. Basically, the former is playing upon the emotions of the later. As we know, this is an effective way to get what we want.

Only If We Buy Into It

All of us hate having this done to us. I cannot think of anyone who like to be played like this no matter if it is done by a Master, child, husband/wife, or co-worker. It is a horrible feeling to know that you were so blatantly manipulated. It is one of the more obvious methods used and often leaves one feeling completely down.

The odd thing about guilt is it is effective only if we buy into it. This might sound counter-intuitive but guilt has no power except for that which we give it. When we say 'he made me feel guilty', we are actually lying to ourselves. The truth is that we allowed ourselves to be pressured into feeling guilty. We chose to give another person the power to manipulate us to his (in this example) ends. The personal responsibility that we were all given dictates this. Another person only has power over us if we choose to give it to that person.

Guilt And BDSM

A BDSM relationship is simply another form of a relationship. Therefore, we see many of the same characteristics of all other relationships within the confines of this one. People using guilt to manipulate each other is commonplace. Dominants do it to their submissives who, in turn, do it back to them. In some situations, it is a vicious cycle.

While there are hundreds of forms of manipulation via guilt, the simple fact is that it is highly inappropriate in a BDSM relationship. To start, the fundamental basis of this type of relationship is some type of power exchange. This places the balance of the power in the hands of one person. Therefore, the dominant is one who should not need guilt to get one to obey. Obedience is something that is a basic component of this relationship. If not, the dominant is lacking in his/her control.

On the other side of the coin, a submissive person should not be manipulative. While I realize this is often not possible, it is a goal that one ought to strive for. Manipulation occurs when a sub/slave is not getting what is desired. In essence, he or she feels that the dominant one should grant another choice and this person is going to use guilt as a means to get that end. Guilt is something that we are all taught by society so it comes natural. I find that most are often unaware that they do this.

Of course, manipulation should never be tolerated. Corrective action needs to be taken whenever this monster appears. Left unattended it will grow into a regular part of your relationship. This is simply a habit that one does. Since most are unaware of it, the first step is to bring it to one's attention. After that, the necessary actions can occur for correction.

Self Imposed

The final component aspect of guilt to cover is the self imposed version. Not only are people experts are manipulating others, we also are equally as talented in using guilt on ourselves. Here is a simple question, 'have you ever felt guilty about something that you did' (or did not do)? Everyone will answer this question in the affirmative. To go one step further, where did the feeling of guilt come from? The truth is that we imposed it upon ourselves. We are apt to buy into this concept whenever we do it.

To stop this behavior, one needs to search further as to what is behind the guilt. I found that most people are too hard on themselves. This is especially true of submissive types. For whatever reason, they have a 'perfectionism' complex. Perhaps this is because the dominant ones are too hard on them but the fact remains that many do not cut themselves the slack to be human. It is impossible for a sub/slave to be perfect. Entering this lifestyle does not exempt us from the natural state of being human. Mistakes as much a part of life as breathing is.

Thus, it is imperative that one 'lighten' up if he or she is to ever overcome feeling guilty. There is no reason to feel guilt over making a mistake. They happen. The important thing is to learn from them when they occur and ensure that you do not repeat the same behavior. Forgetting something, making an error, or outright disobedience are all things that can be overcome. Guilt is something that never makes anything better. We live in a world where we are judged for our actions. Results are created through action. Thus, the feeling of guilt only serves to imprison us while clouding the path to a solution. It serves no purpose so resist the temptation to engage in it.

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October 13, 2010

Other Focused

The mindset of a slave is so important. It is probably the most crucial aspect that separates one who is able to live in a M/s relationship versus those who cannot. Many enter the life believing that they can life in a TPE situation only to realize that it is not as easy as they anticipate.

Societal Beliefs

Society promotes the idea of personal power and self-centered focus. We have encountered the 'me' generation. Society is a group of people looking after their own self interest while not concerning themselves with the plight of others. The mind is trained to think of oneself first.

We see this mindset taken to the point that people do not even concern themselves with the lives of their own children. It is not uncommon for children to be left unattended while the parents does drugs or has sex. Periodically, we witness the tragic results of this outlook. Look out for number 1. It is deeply rooted in us.

Where does this leave a slave? In my opinion, to be successful as a slave, one must adopt a mindset that is exactly opposite what society teaches. Anyone who follows the dogma laid out by our culture surely will fail as a slave. Societal beliefs fundamentally oppose the idea of a TPE relationship.

Other Focused

A slave needs to default to the mindset of being 'other focused'. This entails considering someone else before oneself. Many will state how easy this is but it is not. Anyone who ever tried it knows it goes against every fiber of our cultured being. Service in general is looked down upon by the masses. We arrogantly believe that we are better than those who are paid to wait on us. This is just another built-in prejudice that one needs to overcome if he/she is going to succeed as a slave.

Putting the needs of another before oneself can be learned. I have witnessed many who embrace this outlook over time. While it is impossible to be 100% effective in this, there are many who ultimately live this way most of the time. Always considering the needs and desires of the Master is what should direct the life of a slave. Daily work at adopting this mindset is crucial.

One thing that every dominant person should include in his/her training is the idea of ego deflation. There are many ways to accomplish this task and a variety of methods is the best approach. Over the years, I have removed the name that a slave identifies with her traditional role. This is something that we are given at birth which has a great deal of our identity wrapped in it. Have a slave called something else is helpful is having her identify with the new 'her' (him). Another method is to make him/her do things that are way out of the ordinary. For example, most humans are accustomed to using the toilet. If a Master removes this from the regular routine, instead requiring elimination outside the house, we once again see the identity of the ego deflated. One will begin to see that he or she is not there for oneself but for the satisfaction of the Master.

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October 12, 2010

Desire: The Starting Point

Desire is the starting point for all change. Any self-help program will cover this topic in great detail if it is worth anything. The central fact is that people will not change anything about themselves or their lives unless they first have the desire to do so. It is that simple. No matter how much we try to exert influence upon another person all is fruitless until that person has the inner craving for something different.

We can see this in all walks of life. It is a well known fact that excessive weight is a hazard to people's health. Intellectually, most of us know we need to drop some weight (if we are heavy). However, how many people actually do something about it? Very few. At the same time, we have people on the opposite end of the spectrum. They were grossly overweight and struck up the inner urge to change that about themselves. These are the people who we see lost 75, 100, or 150 pounds. They are the inspiration for others as to what is possible.

Desire is an important element in the BDSM community. I am a believer that this life, or at least aspect of it, are so far removed from what we are ordinarily taught. There is a learning curve that everyone must transcend if he or she is apt to be successful in this lifestyle. Anyone who has entered into this knows that it is not an easy path to follow. No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one is in, there is a certain desire necessary to grow and learn. A lot of what we deal with take discipline and regular effort. Becoming a proficient Master or slave, as an example, requires patience, study, and motivation. There are many benefits to be reaped yet they do not appear without effort.

The starting point for all change is desire. Obviously, it was a desire for something different that led you to begin looking at this life to begin with. People do not seek change unless something is amiss with the present situation. For most of us, we simply were not fulfilled following the traditional path. There are many among us who obey the societal directives perfectly only to realize that perhaps they were misled. Going to school, getting the good job, meeting the nice girl, marrying her, and having the family is the prescription that society sells as the path to happiness. And for many it is. Nevertheless, we are the ones who desired something different and used that desire to embark on a different journey. Finding this way of life was the first step in the fulfillment of those inner needs.

There are also times within our 'BDSM lives' that we need to tap into our inner desire. For example, we are all aware of how relationships can go 'stale'. When two people are together for an extended period of time, it is possible to take each other for granted. This is something that many have to work at overcoming. And guess what is needed? Desire. Do you have the desire to put forth the effort to take your relationship to another level? If you do, then you will put for the energy to do those things that make a difference. Perhaps it entails exploring another aspect of the relationship previously overlooked. Or it might mean altering a schedule to interact with each other in a different manner. Whatever is needed, one needs the desire to continually move forward.

Desire is something that we need to regular search for within ourselves. Life has a way of battering us at times. And he (or she) has a way of getting under our skin to the point where we want to throw in the towel. The decision to do this or not is in direct proportion to our desire to make it successful. At times desire is flowing out of our eyeballs. Others times it is hidden deep within us. Nonetheless, it is something that we need to bring to the surface regularly. I found that everything else stems from it.

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October 11, 2010

Financial Domination

This is a subject that is certain to ruffle a few feathers. Well, to state more accurately, my writing about this subject will cause the upheaval. It is one that I am adamant about and will not withhold punches. This is one of those topics which leaves very little room for latitude. Many will accuse me of taking the 'it is my way or the highway approach'. That is fine. The truth is I witness the games played in this arena and see so many taken for a ride. Experience this a few times and you will, no doubt, reach the same end.

Financial Domination

"Property cannot own property"

I make this statement on a regular basis. To me, it is part of the fundamental core that is our lifestyle. Anyone who is opting for a TPE style relationship is entering into something that is pretty absolute. There are many who proclaim themselves to be able to live in this structure but I found that few truly can. It is not an easy path to choose.

That being said, anyone who wants to live as a 'slave' needs to fully comprehend what that means. When one is owned, he or she has nothing except for what is given by the Master/Mistress. At the same time, anything that person receives is also by right the property of the Master/Mistress. One is not able to own anything for him or herself. The term 'mine' (or my) is eliminated from this person's vocabulary.

In the end, one is dominated financially just like he or she is in every other aspect of life. My slave is my property thus I own all of her. All resources that she had in life became mine when she joined me on this journey. In my view, that is simply how things work in this aspect of the lifestyle.


While many state they are slaves while lacking the makeup to actually live that way, I will state that it is minor as compared to those who claim to be dominant. There are so many who believe their domination is affirmed simply because they capitalize their name on a website. This is not domination nor does it qualify one to be dominant. True domination is the following of an internal desire that is coupled with knowledge and experience. It is garnered over time as one learns the internals workings of the mind. Domination is as much mental as it is anything else.

So, what does this all mean? Quite simply, if one (submissive) is expecting to live as a slave, he or she must be certain of the person one is interacting with. This seems like common sense but, remember, few really have any idea of the person they are chatting with. Most put up a good front. The reality of the online community is that the largest percentage of people are not involved in real time relationships. At best, they are engaged in online role playing; at worst, outright deception. This creates a precarious situation if one is seeking to be 'financially dominated'. Absolute certainty is crucial if you are going to take the next step.

Con Jobs

As you can guess, I feel that most are just putting con jobs on other people. At this point, I am going to pick on the 'Dommes' since they are the one who I think play the greatest con game. Also, I am going make some blanket statements about society that you may or may not agree with. However, there is still a biased that I can see which equates to some of this unenviable behavior.

What is a 'financial domme'? I see this advertised all over the place. What the hell is someone who is only willing to dominate in one area? To me the terms 'gold digger' is more accurate. Whenever I see this advert, I know that person is not real. This is one of the grandest con jobs in the BDSM community. And what is sad is that people enter into these relationships believing they will be dominated. The truth is that the Domme is only seeking to clean one out.

I feel for the male submissives. They have the hardest road in my opinion since there are basically the gold diggers and the Pro-Dommes for them to deal with. Few women are into the full fledged domination. That makes their path that much more difficult. We live in a male dominated society which holds the belief that men much be strong while women weak. Also, because of the career prospects, the earning power of a male exceeds that of a female in most instances. This leaves a male vulnerable to the games that are played in this regard.

How To Combat It All

This goes out to all, not just the male submissives. The best way to combat this is to truly know who you are dealing with. An online relationship is vastly different than real time. Anyone who experienced both knows the difference. The online world is suspect for the simple reason that anyone can create a persona online. You only have the words that are written on a screen to go by. Nothing else, in the online world, is verifiable. That is the primary reason why I continually state that anyone engaged online must implement the traditional methods of communication as soon as possible. These methods help to verify what was already stated.

Knowing the person you are dealing with not only entails verifying their address or state located. One must also be sure he or she is a dominant worthy of your submission. What I mean is that the person is capable of providing one with what he or she needs. A slave who only turns over his/her paycheck is living an unfulfilled life. Every slave that I met wants to be dominated completely. That is why a 'financial domme' is nothing more than a golddigger. This person is not providing anything to the slave. A relationship is a two-way street with each person giving and receiving. A person of this makeup is just taking.

To end this thought, I will state that trust takes time to build. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect a person in a new relationship to cede all over to the Master/Mistress immediately. It is only after the dominant proves his/her abilities that one will feel comfortable in doing so. The trust factor allows a relationship to travel deeper and deeper. Handing over a paycheck of monies received from a job is one thing. To turn over the proceeds from the sale of a house is an entirely different matter. In these instances, I think one needs to use common sense and realize what is at stake. Until you are certain, and in person, that you are dealing with someone real, I would be hesitant in my approach. And, please avoid anyone simply proclaiming to be a 'financial domme'.

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October 10, 2010

Domination: A Misconception

Domination is a factor that makes up 50% of a BDSM relationship. It is impossible to have a relationship without having this. There is nobody for one to submit to unless there is another person willing to dominate. This is just a factor that is indisputable.

Fortunately, there seems to be no shortage of people who are willing to step in and call themselves 'dominant'. Chatrooms and forums are full of people who enter and immediately proclaim themselves 'Masters'. Perhaps there are a few instances where this is warranted but most of them are simply assuming a role. Often this is decided by the societal mantra that one should control and dominant. We live in a culture that promotes the strong while downplaying the contribution of those in roles of service. Everyone wants to be 'Gordon Gecko' of Wall Street fame.

Take Care Of Me

I will show this point by telling you what happens in my own life. My slave cooks for me. She does my ironing. All food shopping is handled by her. She contributes financially to my house. Her efforts help me to work towards my goals. Sexual servitude is performed in any manner I desire. My house is maintained by her both inside and outside. These are just a few of the duties that she performs for me.

This is what a slave does. He or she performs the tasks that a Master (Mistress) sets forth. However, the difference is that I do not need my slave to do any of these things for me. I am perfectly capable of performing all of these duties myself. I am not dependent upon her to take care of me. While she makes my life easier in many ways, I do not need her to do them to get where I am seeking. Her efforts assist me as opposed to her taking care of me.

Many do not fall into the same category. I see many who want a slave who will take care of them. There are many out there who are seeking to have someone provide for them financially when they cannot do it themselves. Others come to depend upon another for emotional stability and look to that person for significance.

This is not domination.


Those who look to another to do what he or she cannot do oneself is weak and I do not believe someone without strength can ever dominate another. (As a side note, I do not believe that a weak person can adequately submit to another either. Strength is required on that side of the equation also). To successfully dominate another, I feel that one needs to be complimenting oneself and not replacing a 'lack' within oneself.

To put it bluntly, there are many individuals with lives that are a complete mess. Every aspect of lives are in total chaos. Financially they are in dire straights. Emotionally they are walking around as an open nerve responding to every stimulus out there. Their physical health is awful with obesity and laziness prevailing. They are lonely people without much direction.

The problem arises when these same people enter the BDSM world by stating they are dominant. There seems to be a belief that simply because one bought into the societal notion of power and control then he/she is naturally inclined to dominate another. I find that to be untrue. Domination requires a great deal more than that.

Get Your House In Order

Before you can successfully dominate another, I believe you need to get your own house in order. There are certain skills required to excel in this realm. The fact that one is struggling in every area of his/her life shows a lack of these abilities. Success permeates throughout all facets of our lives. Relationships are about interaction with another person. Those who cannot do this in the 'vanilla' aspects of life will face certain failure here also.

Ignoring the fact that I cannot understand why any submissive will be attracted to a person of this nature, I feel there is a basic component missing from a relationship established upon these grounds. My experience is that a submissive person is seeking strength in a dominant. Now, I know we can describe strength in many different ways but the bottom line is that certain skills lend themselves to life success. Having a person lacking in this strength will result in the relationship being strained. Commonly the submissive ends up having to compensate for what is missing in the dominant. This is a position that I find most true submissive types detest. My experience is that few enjoy being in the dominant position when they entered a relationship seeking to be dominated. And this is exactly what happens.

A submissive is not designed to take care of a dominant. If you are one seeking to be 'taken care of', then I suggest you look at why you are entering this way of life. BDSM is a wonderful choice for many people. However, it is not a substitute for the failure to achieve basic interpersonal skills. Make sure that you have the ability to dominate before you accept taking on someone else. To decide this, look at all the other areas of your life. How are you doing there? If everything is a total mess, perhaps you want to tend to them before you bring on another. A sub/slave should compliment your life, not make it.

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October 9, 2010


This is something that people often talk about but rarely think about in great detail. I found that success in any endeavor, regardless of the aspect of life chosen, is directly related to the commitment one is willing to make. Many say they are committed yet their actions say otherwise. However, those who approach situations with the commitment of success are apt to achieve just that.

Starts In The Mind

Commitment is a mental exercise. It is the decision that tells oneself that 'I am going to succeed no matter what'. In essence this means taking whatever action is required to achieve the results that one (or a couple) is seeking. Again, you will find that few ever approach this level in any of their affairs.

Most people are excuse makers. They prefer to take the route where they justify not succeeding. It has become the national pastime. In fact, it got so bad that many have excuses ready to use before any action is even taken. People are so accustomed to not succeeding that they prepare built-in excuses to explain the failure.

All Applies To BDSM

Why do I bring this point up? The simple answer is because it is a factual statement that applies equally to BDSM as it does to all other aspects of life. If one is truly going to find success, happiness, and fulfillment in the BDSM world, I believe one must commit to that end. Too many people we encounter approach this life like they do when trying on a new pair of shoes. They believe they will 'test the waters' to see how things work. Based upon my experience, people can save a great deal of time since this outlook rarely leads to success.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned in the submission process that one needs to commit to this life before deciding upon a Master/Dom (I was referring to the submissive types in the book but it is applicable to the Dominants also). As mentioned, this means having the willingness to achieve success no matter what the cost. Anything less than that mindset will most likely lead to failure.

Are you willing to take the time to read and learn about this way of life? Will you engage in the internal search to determine what you are seeking and what aspects of the life are suited for you? Can you transition from the traditional model to one that is radically different from what you know? Do you have the strength to live life as you see it understanding that many will be non-supporting of your decision? Stepping into the BDSM world often means leaving a great deal of what you knew. It is not something that can be taken lightly in many instances.

Stepping Out On A Belief

Those who look at this life obviously are doing so because there is something missing in his/her present life. Of course, I am referring to those individuals who are seeking to make a drastic change in life (those who are just looking to add some play to their relationship are in a different category). Without the knowledge or experience that comes with being involved in things for a while, one is required to step out solely on belief. Over time, that belief will become reaffirmed through experience. But in the beginning, there isnt much more to go on.

This is why it is crucial to be committed to this belief. As you research and do the internal searches, you will find what fits for you or not. Many find this is not their cup of tea while exiting quickly. Other start pursuing further eventually involving him or herself with another. Again, we are hoping the belief that this is the path to happiness is reinforced. At this point, the success or failure of the relationship is dependent upon one's commitment to it. Those who take it lightly usually end up with nothing in the end. It is only those who realize this is something to put immense effort into who achieve long term success. The mindset of 'I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work' shows commitment.

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October 8, 2010

24/7 BDSM

There seems to be a great deal of confusion as to what being 24/7 means. Many seem to think that one is at the Master's beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I guess in the literal sense, being a 24/7 slave does mean this. However, in this day and age, it is good to intertwine practicality amongst the literal. For this reason, being 24/7 carries a different connotation.

Former Life

Let us be honest: very few people were raised to be slaves. This is remarkably different from the historical eras where slavery was commonplace. In Egyptian times, as an example, children that were born to slaves were instantly property of the owner. The same was true in the Southern U.S. in the 1700s and 1800s. People were raised knowing exactly what their plight in life was. There was no decision to be made. A child of a slave grew into a slave. Period.

Now, if we contrast that with the common mindset in society today, we see an entirely different viewpoint. Most people follow the edict established as normal by the culture in the same way that children of slaves progressed. Each follows the dogma except for the rare exception. Today, the prevailing path espoused by society is one of equality within a marriage. The traditional model promotes a man and a woman partnering together for the basis of the family unit. This institution, marriage, is one where there is equality (at least that is the lip service-whether it truly exists is questionable in a still male dominated culture). Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal and, thus, shunned.

What does this mean for the slave who enters into a BDSM relationship. Oftentimes, there are outside responsibilities which arise due to choices we made prior to finding this way of life. It is common to find slaves who also have to take care of children fathered by one other than Master/Mistress. This means that one is obligated to perform tasks that do not pertain to the M/s relationship.

I also find that we live in an age where two incomes are needed for financial survival. I could espouse my beliefs about as to why this happened but it would take away from my message here. The simple truth is both adults usually need to work outside the home. BDSM participants are not excluded from this reality. While there are some who are financially well off, most have to work to provide for their families. Again, this is a responsibility that we do not have immunity from.

A Mindset

Being 24/7 is a mindset. There are times when we all have other 'Masters' we need to serve. There are people such as bosses, colleagues, and others who we have authority over us based upon a position. Many take orders throughout the day from people other than their Masters. Of course, this does not mean that they are 'owned' by all these people.

At present, my slave works outside the house. This is something that is done with my approval. She ran the prospect of work by me before she went to get a job and received authorization from me before accepting the position she did. That being said, throughout the day, she takes orders from someone other than myself. Many will mistakenly believe that she is not 24/7 because of this. However, that is not the case since she knows at all times her owns her and what she is. Her 'slavery' does not end when she leaves the house.

One other aspect pertaining to this; I am the one who benefits from her efforts. Being a slave means that she does not own property. Therefore, her wages are turned over to me since they are mine. Her labor gains are for me. At the same time, I can also tell her to leave that position. However, if I do, I must be willing to accept the consequences of that decision...the loss in income. Her 'obedience' to her supervisor is done only as a means for survival in the workplace. If I decide to overrule what her boss demands, then I must accept the outcome there her manager chooses; termination.

In conclusion, realize that 24/7 servitude directly to a Master is not feasible in many instances. But, if one has the mindset of a slave and knows who he/she is owned by, then all efforts will be directed towards that person's benefit. And, this is just as valid a form of slavery as living on a plantation 250 years ago.

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October 7, 2010

Growth: Is It Happening

Growth is something that I write about frequently because I am a believer that is the basis of all we do, both as individuals and a couple. Every situation offers an opportunity to learn. Growth is the result of stringing a series of learning opportunities together over time.


People try to shy away from mistakes. It is our natural tendency to want to be right. Our egos cry out against the concept of 'being wrong'. However, this is an outlook which robs someone of valuable resources for growth. Mistakes are our best teacher. We learn more from a single mistake than we could from volumes of books. For example, there are hundreds of thousands of books written about investing. One could choose a multitude on the same investment style. Nevertheless, there is more knowledge gained from the loss of $1,000 on a trade than can be garnered from 10 textbooks. Real live mistakes is where the education is .

It is time we embrace our mistakes and actively seek them. The only people who do not make mistakes are those who do not try anything. These are the ones who never grow or develop. At the same time, there is a group of people who are always trying new things. The education/knowledge level of these individuals is immense since they tend to make a great many mistakes. Remember, the most successful people usually made the most mistakes.

BDSM Relationships

For whatever reason, many seem to think that sub/slaves ought never make a mistake. I witnessed the belief that mistakes are worthy of punishment. Certainly, there are times when punishments are required for growth. However, a simply mistake is not one of them in my opinion. That being said, I will state the same mistake made repeatedly is worthy of consideration for punishment. When one continually does the same thing when shown not to, that most often shows disobedience.

Which brings up a larger question: what happens when one is trying but repeatedly makes the same mistake? In my opinion, this is not a situation where obedience is involved but, rather, incapability. There are certain things that one is simply incapable of doing. For example, you could put a gun to my head and tell me to dunk a basketball; it is not going to happen. That is something that I am completely incapable of achieving. I am not being disobedient since I will put forth all effort to dunk the basketball. However, my natural limitations enter the picture.

So, what happens in this situation? Here is where one needs to decide if he/she is being unreasonable with the another. Some are simply incapable. To expect one to be otherwise is unfair, inane, and useless. If one has the desire yet still falls short, that is an indication of this person's limitation.

Lack of Growth

What if this extents to an overall lack of growth? Who does the responsibility fall upon in a BDSM relationship? I will start by stating that the makeup of the relationship has a big part in this answer. A D/s situation is radically different from M/s. I would say that more of the responsibility falls to the submissive one in D/s whereas the Master is in control in M/s. If one is not growing, determining who is at fault is important because that is the person who needs to take corrective action.

If growth is not happening, I will state that the relationship is heading towards disaster. I do not believe long term relationships last without this vital component. When a sub/slave is stagnating, that has the potential to drag the entire relationship down. A Dom/Master needs to get to the bottom of it is he/she wants to have it survive.

Once again, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of growth. You would be surprised how many simply are not. I would say that most people are 'trained' in the art of stagnation. This seems to be a societal condition bred by the mainstream dogma. (Consider how many people think that education ends upon graduation as an example). Few actively seek out daily and weekly improvement in their skills and abilities. Playing the percentages leads me to believe that subs/slaves overwhelmingly arent naturally into this. Therefore, a Dom/Master is responsible for pushing one to put forth the effort for growth.

In conclusion, I simply believe that if one is not growing, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of it or not. If the answer is negative, release is warranted. However, if the submissive one is able but was not given the guidance, that falls upon the one who has the control. In this instance, he or she needs to consider what is lacking and route a different path. This is part of the responsibility of being in charge.

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October 6, 2010

Emotional Issues

Before getting into today's topic, I will issue a disclaimer of sorts. There are some people who have deep-seeded emotional issues which require professional attention. These are not the people I am referring to. Anyone who is in this situation should always be directed to the proper medical facilities to garner the proper treatment. Mental and psychological issues are best left to the pros.

That being said, today I am going to direct this post to those who seek to dominate (although it is as applicable to submissive types). I encounter so many who like the idea of having someone do everything that he or she is told. Granted, this is one of the benefits of being a Dom/Master. In addition, when one adds in poly, the idea is absolutely heavenly for many. Now, there are two people to serve him or her. This is something that is really attractive on the surface.

Emotional Control

I often write about the need for everyone to focus attention on growth. One area that is highly important is growing emotionally. Most people suffer from a lack of emotional control. In fact, it is so back that many people are nothing more than a raw nerve waiting to erupt. Their entire life is ruled by emotions. They are the classic stimulus-response example. If something happens (stimulus) they instantly respond from an emotional perspective. The emotions are in control.

As mentioned, this is something that much of the population suffers from. It is not just individuals involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Nor is it something that is exclusive for submissives. Dominant personalities are just as inclined to fall off the emotional ledge if they are not careful. That is why I believe all should seek to increase their emotional abilities.

Domination Is About Control

We all have seen children who behave in manners befitting of a child. Sadly, all of us witnessed the same behavior out of adults. It is never pretty to see one 'lose' it emotionally. Whether it is the fits of rage from anger or the shedding of tears in fear, the result is the same: one is not viewed as 'together'. In an age where we are sensitized to the point where it is okay for men to cry, we lost site of the fact that those who are out-of-control emotionally fail to be in control. People refuse to follow basket cases.

Relationships are about trust. Those who are entrusted with leading a relationship must be worthy of that trust. Emotional control is one way this is done. One who has this ability is viewed as strong. Sadly for the masses, the reverse is also true. Domination is about control and it starts with controlling oneself. Make this a priority in your life.

Dealing With Breakdowns

Everyone has emotional breakdowns periodically. This does not mean that we are a candidate for the local loony bin. However, we all get upset to the point where we allow the situation get the best of us. I believe this is human nature. However, there is a far cry from the occasional instance as compared to a personal pattern.

One of the responsibilities of a Dom/Master is to deal with the breakdowns when they occur. Getting back to the nirvana of multiple subs/slaves, one needs to expect that he or she will get hit with simultaneous breakdowns. The term 'threesome' doesnt only apply to the bedroom. Having two woman (in this instance as example) means that you get to deal with twice the issues. Suddenly the utopia that was your life turned into alternative hell. Tears, yelling, and name calling are par for the course. And, I can tell you from experience, the balancing act between the two is impossible. No matter what one does, it is never enough. One will always feels slighted (usually both do). Acceptance that this is a no-win situation is your only chance of survival.

The trick is to get one settled on firmer ground so as to attend to the other one. Of course, this is not always possible. Oftentimes, a Dom/Master is powerless over either since they both are emotionally out of control. This leads back to the original point that growth is the most important priority in any relationship. If a sub/slave is not growing emotionally, problems will ensue in the future. This situation is only compounded in the poly realm. Emotionally immature people do not have the capability to rationally work their issues out. Therefore, the only solution is for a Dom/Master to treat both as children. If you got into BDSM to be a babysitter then this will be heavenly. However, for the rest of us, it is a major pain in the ass.

Consider these words the next time you set eyes on your sub/slave. Is this person growing emotionally? Ask yourself this question on a regular basis. And do not forget to look in the mirror yourself. An emotionally out-of-control Dom/Master is less useful than a submissive. Your work starts with you.

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October 5, 2010


Most of the people I encounter simply have no business being an a BDSM relationship. In fact, I can go one step further and proclaim that these people have no business being in any type of relationship whatsoever. I make these statements based upon the single criteria of ability to handle responsibility. Most, from my experience, are not adept in this area.


I cannot tell you the number of people I ran across who are using BDSM as an escape from as opposed to a way to fulfill their lives. For whatever reason, especially on the submissive side, people believe this is a path that will allow them to escape from the realities of life and, thus, relationships. It is almost as if they expect the skies will open and bright rainbows will appear. There are so many with the 'polyanna' outlook that it is unbelievable. The overwhelming notion is that 'all my problems will now be solved'. Sadly, reality allows has a way of manifesting itself.

The truth is that many of the same skills required for success in others areas of life are just as applicable here. Therefore, those who are lacking those abilities will encounter the same difficulties as before. While we are involved in power exchange relationships, the truth is that we are still dealing with life. Everything that transpires in the traditional world is included here. Illness, family matters, and financial situations are all part of our lives. Anyone who is using this as an escape from those struggles is going to be disappointed when he or she realizes there is no hiding.

Be Responsible

Responsibility is something that I found many shun. This is not something I based solely upon the people who I met in this lifestyle. Rather, it is an overall conclusion about people in general. The masses do not seem to gravitate towards be responsible. Instead, the mainstream ideal is to shun this like a virus. Irresponsibility is the call of the day with more and more adults behaving like children. To me, this does not foster an environment for successful relationship; a sentiment proven by the divorce rate.

Success in the BDSM lifestyle requires a large amount of responsibility on the part of both parties. A BDSM relationship entails each person fulfilling roles that make the situation move forward. In M/s, as an example, the Master is the one with the responsibility for steering the relationship to where it needs to go. If one asked the question "where will we be in 5 years", it is the Master who should be able to answer this question. (By the way, none of your business only shows that he/she never thought about this). At the same time, a slave is responsible following the mandates as they are spelled out to the best of his/her ability. There are times when a slave is left alone to perform the needed tasks. If effort is withheld, then he/she is lacking responsibility.

We all have responsibilities. Personally, I believe that each of us is responsible for taking the initiative to grow and learn in all that we do. This is how we increase the skills that we have. A slave who forgoes this while 'waiting for direction' is not an asset but a burden. While the direction of the relationship is determined by the Master, the acquisition of new abilities is up to the slave. At the same time, a Master has the same responsibility to enhance his (her) abilities. This is how stagnation is avoided. There are so many different areas within this lifestyle to explore that I believe it impossible to know everything. Everyone can always learn more.

Success in life depends upon being responsible. Those who concentrate on this in their BDSM relationship will find thinks go smoother. It is time to embrace life as opposed to fleeing from it.

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October 4, 2010

Slavery: The Path to Freedom?

To those of us who are involved in this way of life, this does not seem like such a contradiction. However, to the outsider, this premise makes no sense. Of course, if one looks at society in general, he or she notices the few realize they are living in bondage. The truth is that most people are slaves.

Freedom: Man's Natural State

Man's natural state is freedom. This is something that he has fought for throughout his existence. History is filled with stories about people who stood up against their oppressors. Deep down, we all root for the underdog since it is something that we all can identify with. Each if us has been in situations where we were up against insurmountable odds. At the same time, everyone, to one degree or another, has felt what it is like to be unfairly treated. These times only serve to get our ire up. I know that my homicidal tendencies increase whenever I experience this.

People are imprisoned everyday. This is a state of existence that is unnatural. Anyone in this situation immediately rebels at the idea. The days are counted down until release. Freedom is craved. We see in this toddlers who try to exit their cribs (or carseats). We simply do not like being restrained. Our natural druthers are to be free.

Societal Conditioning

Society conditions us into behaving in ways that remove our freedoms. We are taught to obey the law or else we pay some adverse consequence. For many infractions, we must pay a fine. However, for the more serious crimes 'against society', we literally lose our freedom. Physical incarceration is the most recognized.

There is another way society robs us and that is in the area of thought. Over the years, we are trained to think a particular way. Humans tend to be products of the environment they grew up in. We simply absorb the beliefs and ideas that are presented to us. All our values of right and wrong are handed to us. Few take the time to question anything that is presented. Instead, the masses swallow it all as factual. Therefore, the Yankees are scum and their fans evil. Christianity is the only 'proper' belief and everyone else is destined for hell. Republicans (or Democrats) are ignorant and should be tried for treason. No matter what the belief, it is evident that we didnt create them on our own.

BDSM is Freedom

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. By its very definition, that means that it is not practiced by the majority of society. To be engaged in this way of life, one must go through so kind of 'alternative thinking'. Deviation from the mainstream always starts in the mind. I suppose that is why few ever undertake this exercise since it requires this act. Few have the internal fortitude to question anything he or she believes. In their mind, society is always correct.

Why do I believe that BDSM is freedom. Simply because it is a choice that one exercises. Since it is not commonplace, anyone who enters this realm is exercising his/her ability to choose. To me, that puts one ahead of 95% of the people who are out there. Most excel at blind allegiance. They obey with whatever the prevailing notion is while rejecting anything that goes counter to that. BDSM is something that is rejected as perverted, ridiculous, and immoral. Anyone engaged in this way of life is also determined to be those things.

Living according to one's own desires is a sign that one is willing to shed the societal chains in search of individual happiness. The truth is that nobody can decide for another what is the best way for that person to live. Each of us has individual needs we want met. Our internal programming differs to the degree that it takes different things to lead to fulfillment. The common path is not always the 'golden path'. In fact, it often leads to unhappiness.

The traditional life was tried by most everyone who is in a BDSM relationship. We tried the equitable power exchange model and found it wanting. It is not something that matched up with our desires. Instead, we opted to seek out something that satisfied that core need. BDSM was the answer. Some found themselves suited to take on responsibility and be Masters while others wanted to completely serve another as slaves. And, we find a host of people who are in between those two ends of the spectrum. Regardless of where anyone stands, he or she made a conscious choice to pursue this path.

Therefore, for many slavery is the path to freedom.

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October 2, 2010

What Are You Offering?

The dating world is nothing more than a marketing contest. Everyone who enters into this arena is forced to create and present an image that he or she wants others to view. The ultimate goal is to find a 'buyer' for the wares you are offering. We advertise ourselves by filling out profiles, posting flattering pics, and engaging in stimulating and awe-inspiring conversation so as to 'wow' the other person.

Relationships Are Transactions

Few ever think of relationships in these terms especially romantic ones. Whenever love is involved with a situation, people want to elevate the status of that interaction. How many times have we heard the justification "because I love her" to substantiate otherwise insane behavior? We tolerate action from 'loved' ones that we would never accept from others. In the end, love acts as a blinding agent.

Nevertheless, a relationship is a meeting of two minds into a transaction where both parties agree to buy what the other is selling. It is a simple barter system. Each is trading what he/she has so as to get what the other is offering. This is not different from the Indians trading Manhattan Island for $16 worth of trinkets. One offers something up and the other accepts.

The factor that gets the individuals to this point is marketing. Each person consciously decides what he or she is offering. We see this in the fact that people exercise to improve the 'package' that is seen. In essence, we want to look better when 'sitting on the shelf'. Perhaps one engages in some personal development to acquire improved interactive skills to be able to converse at a higher level. And finally, financial resources are flaunted in an effort to garner the attention of another since many of us predicate decisions of this manner on this factor.

BDSM Adds Another Layer

BDSM simply adds another layer to this concept. At the core, we are dealing with a relationship, thus many of the same concepts just mentioned apply. However, we also need to consider what we are offering to others when we start on this path. I see so many who want to approach this life in a manner that is contrary to this point.

I often tell people to question one about the experience he or she has with this lifestyle. The reasons for this are many. One simply benefit of this practice is that one who is experienced will be able to offer more than someone who is new. The presumption is that person learned something while in the lifestyle and his/her skills will be greater. This person statistically will have more to offer in a relationship at the beginning that someone who is newer. Of course, this is not to say that someone should not get involved with a new person. The point is that there is no substitution for experience.

Adding to that thought, an important dynamic to consider is the skill level of the person you are dealing with (and yourself). What is this person offering and vice versa? Does he/she have the ability to serve as a Master/Mistress? Are the makings of a slave there or is this a person who might be playing games? These are all questions one needs to consider.

Another area to ponder is in the area of accessories. Does this person have an assortment of 'toys' that will be used on a regular basis? Did he/she build a dungeon in the garage? If so, this is a person who will standout from the average person and, I would think, increase his/her level of attractiveness to someone who really likes pain. Also, does the person have the knowledge of how to safely use the accessories on another?

Relationships: A Two-Way Street

All this encompasses the idea of knowing what one is offering. Contrary to what many wannabes believe, a BDSM relationship is a two-way street. I see so many, especially newer dominants, who only consider what they are getting. They do not take the time to consider what they are providing the other person. The 'privilege of serving me' is not something that I believe will hold another person's attention for too long. In fact, I have yet to meet a person who is so great that others should be happy just in the fact that this Dom/Master is gracing him/her with the pleasuring of serving. Even submissive types need to know they are receiving something from a relationship or else they will not serve too long.

The other day I wrote about a dominate person having his or her house in order before trying to take control of another person's life. This is common sense to me but one that many overlook. How can someone who is jobless, homeless, moneyless, and riding the city bus expect to properly lead someone else? I would say that this person might want to develop his/her own skills before involving with another person.

Consider this when you are interacting with another. What is this person truly offering? And, resist the temptation to degrade what you are worthy of. Even if you are submissive, that does not mean you are not worth having someone who has the best to offer. Of course, your level of success will probably be in proportion to what you are offering. Thus, the place to start your search is in developing your own skillset. The more you have to offer, the wider your options. This is true in all aspects of life. BDSM is no different.

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What Do You Want?

This is a simple question. But, how many actually take the time to decide the answer to this? Judging by the average person walking the streets, I would say that very few. Most people drift through life without firmly deciding exactly what is wanted. Sure, one has some dreams, wants, and desires. However, those are usually cast aside in the name of being 'responsible'. In the end most are nothing more than drifters.


The mind is a powerful mechanism that can achieve great things when unleashed. However, before that can occur, clarity is required. Our minds operate so much better when we know where we are trying to get to. Creativity and imagination are just two of the components that help us solve problems and achieve the ends that we are seeking. Of course, I need to emphasize again that one needs to know what is sought.

While this is another example of a life overview philosophy, this concept applies to the BDSM lifestyle. Few enter this life with a definitive purpose of what he or she is after. This is natural since so much about this genre is so different from the mainstream. There is a learning curve that exists before one is truly able to decide where he or she 'fits'. I believe one can spend months just researching all the different facets of the live; just learning what exists out there. My belief is that it is always best to take some time getting acclimated with it all.

I cannot tell you how many people I met who came into this life stating that he or she is a 'slave'. While there are many who know the truth immediately, I found that most are surprised at the extreme nature of that particular aspect of the lifestyle. They felt that simply because they were submissive meant that they were suited for a 24/7 tpe relationship. Sadly, after further research which usually entailed getting emotionally involved with another person, the facts were learned. A great deal of pain could have been avoided if the person would have taken the time to research. Alas, the internet age moves at warp speed and one needs to be 'owned' within a week.

Internal Search

The most important search is the search within oneself. Every aspect of this life is available to anyone who seeks it. However, I will say that not all aspects will hold appeal to everyone. There are certain fetishes or genres that hold absolutely no interest for me. While they provide enjoyment for others, they simply do nothing for me. Now, how do I know that? Because I engaged in the exercise of seeking my true wishes and desires within me.

Delving within is never an easy process. Yet, it is one of the most yielding activities one can take. Few ever sit down and do this exercise before entering into a new situation. I often wonder how different most people's approach would be if they did this when entering the BDSM world. You would be surprised how rare it is to see someone come onto a BDSM community website and state that he or she is there to learn. I would say less than 5% of the new people ever make this point. Instead, they conclude they are looking for a slave or Master right off the bat.

My suggestion is to step back and look within. What do you want? This is something only you can answer. Research the different avenues within the BDSM community that there are to pursue. This will assist in your clarity by either disregarding or implementing what you uncover. It is an exercise which can add major dividends to you.

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