November 29, 2014

Bottoms, Subs, Slaves...A Glossary of Terms

There appears to be great confusion about some of the terms we use in the lifestyle to refer to ourselves.  It is easy to throw out the term "bottom", "sub", and "slave" while also referring to the dominant parties as "top", "dom", or "master".  However, the confusion arises in that few really take the time to decide what it means.

Today I am going to give you my ideas behind these terms.  BDSM is a flexible lifestyle in that there is not a cookie cutter system for all to follow.  Along the same lines, terminology is also determined by the individual.  The definitions/explanations that I am going to provide are simply my views on the subject.  Some might have ideas which work better for them.  Nonetheless, my goal is to give everyone a broad outline so that comprehension is thus increased.

I will start on the submissive side.


To me, a bottom is a submissive person who takes on this role during scenes or when engaging in play.  It is a physical (mostly) basis with a start and a stop time.  The submission lasts only for the scene within well structured parameters.  While there might be a connection between the individuals in the scene, it is not necessary.  In fact, the other person might be a total stranger.  Service is not part of this person's makeup, at least not in this realm.


This is obviously short for submissive.  Unlike the bottom, this is one who is in a more "dedicated" relationship.  A sub submits to a particular individual (or perhaps individuals in the case of a dom/domme couple).  The submission extends far beyond the play scenario to include most areas of life.  Service is a large part of the interaction and motivation for the sub.  However, the sub will retain some rights/say over certain areas of her life.  The relationship will be more structured and deeper as compared to the bottom with more time invested.  There is no duration of the submission with the relationship being open-ended in terms of time like almost all relationships are.  This type of structure is akin to "dating" with some power exchange involved.


A slave is one who goes for the full enchilada.  She is taking her submission to the nth degree.  There are no halfway approaches to this one.  Total power exchange is what she seeks.  A slave is one who gives up full control to the one she is with.  Outside some obvious limits (no cutting off limbs or burning one's face with acid), a slave has no say in what takes place.  All decisions and control reside with the dominant.  Naturally, this is a relationship structure which involves an astronomical amount of trust on the part of the submissive while the dominant takes on a great deal of responsibility.  He is the one responsible for steering the relationship which means, ultimately, all falls upon him.  Depth is something commonly associated with M/s.  A slave is continually having her limits pushed (in a safe manner) to see how much she can grow.  Slavery is a huge commitment on the part of both individuals meaning that it is not entered into lightly.  Many subs find that slavery holds a special appeal to them since the natural submissiveness within them is taken to incredible depths.  Of course, this path is not for everyone.

As for the dominants, I am going to state something that I posted on here before.  A dominant derives his "title" from the particular state of the submissive.  What I mean by this is that a dominant is not a master unless he is in control of a slave.  If the individual he is dealing with is a sub, then he is a dom.  Naturally, many individuals have the experience and knowledge to be masters but it is still up to the submissive to decide the title.  Therefore, if a dominant is in a scene with a bottom, he is simply a top at that moment.  Of course, it is highly possible for him also to be a dom or master to someone else outside of the one he is playing with.  Nevertheless, to that individual, he is a top.  This is one of the reasons why I laugh at the nitwits online self-naming.  His title is not determined by himself but, rather, the title of the one he is controlling.

Hence we see the terminology line up as such.


It is possible for someone to be just one of those or all three simultaneously.  The point is having a broad understanding of the different titles is important.  However, at the end of the day, it is what is inside of you that matters the most.


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November 27, 2014

Why A Slave Serves

Here is an email I received from a slave that she wrote to a dom/master when asked about her service.  I believe her words really capture the essence of what is at the core of a slave and why she has a need to serve.

Please give it a read since I feel it is one of the best summations of this I ever came across.

The greatest treasure of all is to serve. But in order to actually serve with love and dedication as a sub/slave should, we need to understand why it is we desire to do so. 
You wished to know how it feels on the slaves side. I will do my best to accurately describe it from my perception but it is difficult to explain Sir, if you have never served another in such a true manner. However, I would have to say you actually hit upon the core basis of it when you wrote, “…all her worries gone, happy, feeling full…” . The act of giving or serving brings me the greatest sense of satisfaction and purifies the mind. It’s knowing that thru my gift, I accomplished something that brought someone else joy, happiness or pleasure. For a true slave or submissive, it is the focal point in our chosen lives, and keeps the core foundation of a D/s or M/s relationship strong.
I think as submissives, we engage ourselves in an activity that gives us a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of worth and approval. An incredibly high percentage of thoughts and behaviors are influenced by this core principle: the need for approval.
Not knowing the background of your childhood Sir, I will make this example generalized…do you recall as a young boy, when you did something your father was proud of…he would ruffle your hair or pat you on the back and say “good job son” or “well done boy”…do you remember how that made you feel?  Did you not want to do more or strived to be better at it, just to gain that acknowledgment and attention again? …that few seconds of shining in his eyes…?  A submissive’s desire or need to serve is much the same Sir.  We strive to please, to assure your happiness and pleasure, for that one moment of recognition and approval…to “shine in your eyes”. As humans, we need approval and recognition. We need to know that we are appreciated and noticed. Psychologist William James said that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”  Most Dominants have a tendency to underestimate the power and importance of recognition. There is something deeply satisfying about thanking someone when it is clearly deserved, for both the Dominant, as well as the submissive.
Another point to ponder is the need for acceptance and belonging, which is the third level in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs/motivation. This plays a huge role in a sub/slaves desire to serve. We are social creatures and as such we need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group, (i.e. clubs, groups, communities) or small social connections (i.e. family members, intimate partners, mentors, Dom/Masters, etc). We need to love and be loved (sexually & non-sexually) by others. Pure service is a sub/slaves way of expressing that love and devotion. We don’t do it for the physical or materialist rewards or out of fear of retribution. We do it because we need to feel it. Through our unselfish act of giving or serving, we are offering to the Dominant our soul and our heart. We are telling him that He is our world. The center of our focus. The reason for our being who and what we are. 
And from yet another side, my service to the Dominant and how well it was performed, and received, is a mirror of my sub/slave’s true soul.  If it was given or done half-heartedly and the Dominate is displeased, it is a direct injury and insult to my worth and disgraces who I am.  If given earnestly and wholeheartedly, and received with praise and approval, it is a reward in itself.  How I portray myself in my service reflects not only on my own self-worth and value as a sub/slave but on the reputation of the House/Master I serve and my level of pride and commitment to that House/Master.
There is no single reason more pronounced or stronger then another as to why true sub/slaves have a pure desire to serve, but together…love, honor, pride, approval, acceptance, commitment, belonging….they are incredibly powerful and why as subs/slaves, we strives to give all and be all that we are capable all times.


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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all in the states.

Today, I hope all can find something to be grateful for.  Always remember, no matter what your plight is, there are always those who are less fortunate.  In short, there are many out there who are truly suffering.  If you are not one of those, be grateful for that.  However, if you are, keep your head up.  There is always a brighter tomorrow.

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November 1, 2014

The Extreme

Many people have the false conception the BDSM is extreme.  They see the imagery presented by the porn industry and, basically, it scares the panties right off them.  Obviously, as I have covered a few times, the porn industry has an agenda which differs greatly from each of us individually.  Sure, some, if not many of us, are seeking the whips and chains.  However, BDSM offers so much more than that.

That said, we are open to the fact that there is an extreme aspect to the BDSM world.  Before going any further, I feel it important to define what we mean.  Within the context of our lifestyle, we can see extreme through a few different lenses.  To start, we can look at the behaviors (i.e. play) and see some who are into total extreme.  Pain sluts who are whipped and beaten until their body totally marked come to mind.  So does some of the other aspects of play like fire play, electrical, or hardcore bondage.  These acts can be extreme in nature depending upon the viewpoint of the individuals. (that is an important point to remember; one person's extreme is just normal to someone else)

The other way we encounter extreme with the BDSM world is in the context of the M/s relationship.  Here, the exchange of power is complete and total.  Under this circumstance, one makes a final decision to turn her life over to the master and that is it.  All decisions from that point forward are his to make.  Her most important role is to obey.  Now, that is not to say that he will not empower over certain decisions because a good master does.  However, it all takes place under his rule.

The M/s relationship contains an extremeness in terms of the mindset.  Individuals who opt for this particular relationship structure might not be involved in "extreme" activities.  In fact, their life might be fairly ordinary when looking at it from the outside.  Nevertheless, within the confines of the relationship itself, one sees a totally different viewpoint.  For example, once a slave commits she is destined to remain his until he decides to release her (unless she or her kids are in physical danger).  She does not have the choice to leave or exit the relationship.  At the same time, it is common for a slave to be viewed as property.  Many are appalled at this who lack an understanding of BDSM but it is right in line with out thinking.  Again, it is an extreme mindset and one that not everyone has.

I would say that the extremeness of BDSM, while highly touted, is not commonplace.  Reading different profiles online as I surf the net leads me to conclude that most people are looking for something a lot less "out there".  It is why so many term themselves subs (short for submissive) instead of slave.  Giving up total control is not a desire for them.  Instead, my experience is they want to add some kink to their normal interactions.  As long as it is light, it is acceptable.  I guess you might phrase it "vanilla with a twist".   Certainly the BDSM world is spacious enough for all types and people are free to structure their lives however they see fit.  Yet when we study the extreme aspects of things, it is the mindset that determines how committed one is to this way of life.  Many people put it on like a sweater, opting for something different tomorrow.  If this works for them, so be it.  However, these are not the people who are interested in what I am discussing here.

Society seeks to stamp out individuality.  Most of what I write about is not condoned by society because it centers around freedom and individuality.  It is ironic that we talk about freedom in a lifestyle that contains enslavement and bondage.  Nevertheless, when you really think about it, if someone is following what is natural and true for him or her, isn't that freedom?  Being in touch with our cores and adhering to that is crucial for all of us.  I believe that is why so many people in society are unfulfilled because they refuse to look at what is deep within them.  BDSM gives us that opportunity. 

Determining something is extreme or not requires judgment.  Remember, what is extreme to you might be tame to another.  It is all in our perspective.  For many, the most extreme aspects of our lifestyle are completely normal and everyday affairs.  Of itself, it is not something to be feared or leery of.  Naturally, the individuals are the ones who create the results and we need to be highly mindful of the idiots and morons out there.  Doing things in a safe manner is extremely important.  Nevertheless, at some point we need to take the plunge realizing that there are no guarantees in life.  If you are drawn to some of the more "extreme" aspects of BDSM, investigate it.  Society will tell you that you are sick, perverted, and need help.  We, on the other hand, will state, "you are what I am seeking". 

BDSM is about freedom....embrace it.


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