Abuse And BDSM

It is a fact that many use BDSM as a cover so that they can engage in their abusive behavior. Many seem to think that being involved in this lifestyle entitles them to behave in any manner seen fit. At the same time, there are those who equally believe that it is their place to take "whatever is dished out". As you will see, both counts are completely false.

Consent Is At The Core

At the core of all aspects of this lifestyle is consent. Nothing should ever be undertaken that was not previously consented to. This is the fundamental premise upon which all interactions needs to be established. Anything to the contrary is taken unfair advantage of a situation and another.

BDSM contains some pretty extreme behavior. One of the most wonderful aspects of this lifestyle is that pretty much everything is on the table as long as it is agreed to. This is the caveat that many people seem to miss.

We see the abusive outlook arise when we move further down the path into the M.s genre. Here is a relationship structure that is ripe for mistreatment. The basis of complete power exchange leads one to believe that once submissive is granted, everything is acceptable. Again, we see many operating under this misinformed outlook.

Nobody Wants To Be Abused

In short, people do not want to be abused. This appears to exist as a universal trait among the human species. Certainly there are a few out there who have psychological issues where they crave harmful abuse. However, most reasonably sane individuals do not want this. Even those who love pain want it done in a safe manner.

A dominant is always responsible for ensuring that all interactions occur in a safe and sane way. Of course, this entails only entering those areas that are previously agreed upon. This takes on a more important meaning when the interaction is more casual such as in a munch setting. Since the personal knowledge of the individual is lacking, extra steps are needed to ensure that limits are not inadvertently passed.

At the same time, one who decides to submit to a particular scene is not agreeing to any and all behavior. This reminds me of situations I saw in the swinger scene. Just because one agrees to screw half the guys in the room, that does not mean she is agreeing to screw you. No still means no. I see the same logic applying here. Simply because one opens him or herself up to being used by another(s), that does not mean the same permission is necessarily granted to you.

We can also see this same idea applied to a relationship. For example, a lover of pain will desire intense beatings. However, that does not mean that he or she wants to be struck with a closed fist. The difference between a slap and a punch is self-evident. Of course, that is not to say that a closed fist shot is abusive if both parties agreed to it as part of their interaction. For a dominant to cross this line without discussing it with his/her partner, that is entering into the abusive arena.

Another aspect I want to touch upon is sexual. There are some who prefer to "share" their submissives with others. This is a concept we often see in the M/s realm since, again, the power tends to be more absolute. Again, to determine if this is acceptable or not requires us to look at the structure of the relationship. If the parties agreed to complete power exchange where whatever decision is made is acceptable, then we see that this is something that is agreed to through the submission. While some will find this completely distasteful, I encountered many who love to be used in this particular manner. Simply because something is distasteful to one, that does not make the behavior inappropriate. As long as the parties feel it is within the context of the boundaries they established, then I do not feel abuse is occurring.

The one caveat to this is if a dominant forces a submissive into a behavior that is illegal and can have ramifications from the law. A submissive always reserves the right to say no to any behavior that can lead to legal trouble.

Trust

The essential component in all this is trust. For those who enjoy extreme BDSM behavior in their relationships, inevitably, time was taken to establish great trust between the two parties. A sub/slave needs to know that the other person is intent on acting in his/her (submissive's) best interest. If one consistently forgoes safety, then trust break down rather quickly. And, as we all know, trust is much harder to reestablish.

As I mentioned, M/s is an aspect of our lifestyle where things can get fairly extreme (at least to those looking in from the outside). Too many believe that the submission from another is all that is required for the relationship to excel. Sadly, submission is something that grows with time. And, in my experience, it travels parallel to the degree of trust that is developed. One will not continue forward when another is consistently doing things that he or she deems abusive. Not considering the state of one under your control is a great prescription for destroying any relationship that might ensure. Just because a slave agrees to submit to you, that is not a license to do whatever is desired. There are still basic parameters of acceptability. And, when anyone is nearing an area that might be considered abusive, communication needs to occur.

Remember, BDSM offers the freedom to do just about anything. What many consider abusive, we experience as everyday practice. The difference is that consent is required so as to not enter into the abusive realm. Once that consent is given, enjoy yourselves to the maximum.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Infinite Possibilities

I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

The Natural Process

We all know the Internet has created an atmosphere where things are different then they were years ago. One area in particular that changed is with protocol. Before, while existing in certain circles, protocol was limited to an individual choice. For example, a Master might have some particular protocol that he expected his slave to follow. It was an individual choice regardless of others around. At the same time, certain groups might have particular ideas that were followed. However, there was nothing concrete with flexibility available.

The Internet changed all that. Today, there are an assortment of ideas which are mandated by the online community. Enter into a chatroom and you will be expected to behave in a certain manner. Fail to follow the proper tradition and risk being chastised in a major way. This is especially true for those who profess to be Gorean.

Relationship

A fundamental mistake that proponents of this concept make is that D/s and M/s are relationships. They are not scripted events that can be laid out like a play. While many believe that a book written in the 1970s contains all the answers to what one encounters in life, the truth is it does not. Adhering to this idea is akin to believing that Dr. Spock had all the answers for raising a child. Any parent will tell you there were a few chapters missing in his books. The same is true for the BDSM world. No matter how much you adhere to protocol, it does not provide all the instances which you will encounter.

People need to realize that relationships are made up of and centered around individuals. Each person brings certain attributes to the interaction while seeking to get something out of it that satisfies some need(s). Therefore, these mechanisms are dynamic simply in the fact that everyone on this planet is different and few of us fit ideally into a 'box'.

Protocol is an attempt at a shortcut to success. This means that those who implement it to the degree where it becomes almost religious are trying to absolve themselves of the time and effort required to establish a successful relationship. It is a proven fact that relationships take work. I feel most fail because they depend upon the protocol to run their relationships as opposed to doing it themselves.

The Submission Process

Much is written about the process one goes through to submit. As I travel around the Internet I see a ton of protocol pertaining to this subject. Sadly, other than for a good laugh, most of it is worthless.

Once again we get back the the basic idea that relationships are about individuals. It is impossible to design a plan of operation that will encompass everyone. In fact, I find that you cannot even do this for most of the people. Individuality is something that is at our core as humans. Therefore, having a written agenda of how one is to submit is inane.

So, how does this process work if not by protocol? Simple. Submission happens naturally. It is something that two people who are designed for this lifestyle can feel as it is happening and understand. There is no fight for or against it. The interaction leads to more natural decisions. It is a route that is followed in keeping with one's natural core.

Therefore, the submission process is nothing more than a natural interaction between two people. Here, you have one who is dominant and another who is submissive. Those two criteria provide a basis for a match. From that point, the communication entails exchanging ideas about what each person likes and dislikes. This is called determining if two people are compatible. After that, the discussions will consist of topics such as long term life plans, logistical facts, and time periods for moving forward if that is the chosen path. Contrary to what the online community believes, the fact that one is dominant and the other submissive are not the only requirements for a successful relationship.

Finally, the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together. I find that the submission process happens naturally. There is no one moment in time where she offers it and he accepts it. Instead, it is something that is moved towards on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered). The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is occurring. Each can feel it and is, hopefully, happy about it. Ultimately, we are all seeking fulfillment. Tapping into that core essence is how we accomplish this. BDSM is a way many of us reach this zenith in our daily lives.

Consider this idea the next time you see someone asking about the submission process or trying to find out how one finds a Master. The answer is to interact like a human being. Communicating like and dislikes as a means of establishing compatibility is essential. Too often this step if overlooked. It is a simple fact that it is impossible to get along with everyone. The one you might be chatting with could be someone who will make your skin crawl in a few months. Take the time in the beginning to find a path that feels natural for you. Remember, there should not be any forcing of the situation. Successful relationships are never forced.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Being Alone But Not Lonely

This idea stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a fellow dominant in the lifestyle. It is something that many in the psychological and self help community refer to regularly since it is the premise of healthy self-esteem. I write about this topic often since it is something that most of society, not just the BDSM community, lacks. It is a plague that stimulates people to make choices that are completely against their best interest.

Being Alone

Many have difficulty in being alone. In short, they despise it. We see this every where we look. People have a need to be around others. Of course, this is only natural since man is a social animal. Therefore, isolation is not our natural state. Those who tend to this extreme tend to have psychological issues. The Unabomber was one such example. He lived in complete isolation for years. This is an unhealthy state.

The reverse is also equally as dangerous. There are many who simply cannot be alone. In other words, a person of this ilk always needs to be around another. They occupy their days with friends and family. While on the surface this looks healthy, when we explore the motivation, we realize it is not. Instead, a person like this is driven by fear. As opposed to being with others for the benefits of interaction, he or she is there simply to avoid being with oneself. And this is the crux of the problem.

Desperation

People who fall into this category tend to make decisions out of desperation. This is something we see regularly in the BDSM community. We typically have one who suffered a serious of failed relationships in the vanilla world. Here, this individual finds the answer to his/her life issues by getting involved in a BDSM relationship. Sadly, instead of finding happiness and fulfillment, one only finds more pain.

Why does this happen? Because the same fear that motivated this person before is still present. It leads one to act desperately. Patience is not high on this person's lists of qualities. Instead, he or she will accept anyone who will show an interest. This is what makes the trollers successful. They prey upon the insecurities of others. Fear of being alone is a weakness that is exploited regularly. Anyone who has been around a while can see the desperation ooze out of people. It is that obvious.

Not Being Lonely

A healthy self-esteem mandates that you are able to be alone without being lonely. This is a worthwhile goal to have. If you are one who finds yourself dreading being alone, it is time that you tend to this defect. Trust me when I tell you that it is causing catastrophic consequences in your life.

Many try to excuse their behavior by saying they are 'sociable'. Certainly there are many who like to interact with others. But, again, we always need to look at the motivation. Oftentimes, it is fear that is making the decision.

When it comes to relationships, being alone without feeling lonely allows one to establish a thing called standards. Desperate people have no standards whatsoever. Instead, he or she will take whatever comes along and shows an interest. This is often the wrong path to take.

A person with a healthy self-esteem will take the opposite approach. Rather than accept anyone, he or she has a clear image in the mind of precisely what is sought. Since this individual is not afraid of being alone, he or she can forgo all those who do not fit. The ability to wait until what one is seeking appears is a power few have. This stems from a leeriness of being alone.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start to spend some time on your own. Get use to being with yourself and be okay with it. You aren't a bad person and using others for distraction is not healthy. Your strength comes from the ability to embrace yourself. There is tremendous opportunity to grow when you are along. Utilize it and you will find things improving dramatically.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Online Know-It-Alls

The Internet is a central piece of our lives in the 21 st century. This medium has altered how we communicate. BDSM, being involved in the real world, is no exception to this change. Our lifestyle has moved from an underground idea to something that is a bit more mainstream. Ultimately, I feel it was the Internet which moved us to the forefront.

Double-Edged Sword

We see both the good and the bad with the Internet. The positive aspect is that we have the ability to interact with people from all over the world. In years past, the BDSM connections were limited to local munches that were advertised in some of the non-mainstream publications. The society was much more closed at that time with an invite often being required. People commonly referred single people to others in an effort to help facilitate connections. In short, it was a difficult road to travel.

At the same time, the standard was higher in the sense that one knew whomever was involved was genuine to this way of life. People were truly 'lifestyle' in the sense that this was not something they played with. The difficulty in meeting and interacting with others meant that few were playing games. One's approach was that of sincerity and openness since the need to protect oneself was not as great. Certainly, safety in scenes was always a concern. However, one did not question the validity of a dom or sub that was encountered at a munch.

The Internet radically altered that landscape. Today, we are more visible. This enabled many more people to find this way of life who previously would be precluded. A distinct advantage was gained by everyone in the community by this widespread acceptance. The anonymity of this medium enables people to be open about who they are without jeopardizing their 'vanilla' situations. We are opening the minds of many people who are now realizing the wonderful benefits to this life.

Sadly, this came with a major price. It is a simple fact that one has no clue who he or she is dealing with when interacting online. The same anonymity which protects one from the outside world also enables one to hide from those of us inside the lifestyle. Many create facades which in no way resemble who they are. A persona can be created in a matter of minutes. It is that easy. Of course, those who are experienced often are able to see through these games. However, the newer people do not have the same advantage. The bottom line is that everyone needs to be approached with a degree of suspicion because it is truly impossible to know who is on the other end of the World Wide Web.

Know-It-Alls

Another drawback to the Internet is that it gives everyone a voice. Of course, on the surface this is a terrific thing to have happen. Today, we are exposed to the opinions and viewpoints of many people. This can be most helpful to those seeking knowledge. The experience of others is invaluable to a newer person first approaching this lifestyle. For that reason, we welcome all input.

Nevertheless, there is a price to be paid. The online world does not discriminate. By that I mean that nobody is screened regarding their credentials. Anyone can express their opinions in open forums. Many are skilled at making it appear to be experience. However, just because one states it, that does not make it correct. There is a great deal of misinformation that is transmitted out there. And, sadly, people take it as fact.

A big part of the problem is the 'online know-it-alls'. There are those who are regulars on forums and posting sites who pass their knowledge off as gospel. While much of the information might be accurate, the truth is that oftentimes these individuals are nothing more than parrots. The Internet is full of people who do nothing more than read what is posted on other sites and transmit this to others. I, personally, have seen my posts cut and pasted under the name of another. While this is helpful in a text book fashion, in an ongoing dialogue it is worthless since the individual is expressing no experience.

As was mentioned before, just because one states it, that does not make it true. I see so many who call themselves 'slaves'. They proclaim to be living in a M/s relationship. However, this might not be accurate. Some believe that it is up to an individual(s) to live as they see fit. I agree with that idea. But, I do not agree that everything is open to interpretation. For example, to be a M/s relationship, there needs to be a Master and a slave. In my opinion, to qualify as a slave, one must be submissive. This simple fact seems to elude many of those online. If you read what they write, it appears they are the ones in control of their relationship. This is not what submission is about. Yet these same 'slaves' will spend hours online counseling others. Absurdity at its finest.

Another situation we encounter is the 20 something crowd who states they have a ton of experience. Seriously, how many people find this lifestyle at the age of 14 or 15. While I acknowledge there are a few, most do not find it until their late 20s or 30s. We simply do not start the search until we have enough realization that the traditional path doesn't work. This takes time. A decade of experience cannot be smashed into a year or two. It is impossible.

Nevertheless, the online world has the know-it-alls who are barely out of college stating what is fact and fiction. They espouse all their wonderful experience. Of course, their present relationship is referred to continually as what the standard is. There are never any problems with them. Everything is peaches and cream. This is the first sign that these people are not dealing in reality. Relationships of any kind are difficult. A BDSM relationship is no exception. Sadly, these people do not point this fact out.

The bottom line is that any information you encounter needs to be cross-referenced with other ideas that are out there. Whenever you are interacting with someone, search out all he or she wrote. Read the words and concepts espoused over a period of months or years. Is there consistency or not? Does what this person says make sense? Do not overlook the value of commonsense in filtering out the crap. If one says she is 23 yet has a decade of BDSM experience, how likely is that? Ask yourself these questions. They will save you a lot of emotional turmoil.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Complete Morons

Today we will have a bit of a rant about the intelligence level of our community. It is sad but the BDSM world is full of people who have no sense whatsoever. For years I have pondered why this is. The only explanation I can conjure up is because we are the 'last house on the block' for many.

Unable To Take Care of Themselves

How many people do we encounter in this lifestyle who can truly take care of themselves? Honestly. Consider that question for a while. It is something that is really worth exploring in detail. I undertook this expedition and was amazed what I found.

The truth is that few who we meet, especially online, are capable of providing for themselves. Most of the people suffer from so many things that it is almost impossible to straighten out. It is easy to see why most BDSM relationships fail in a short period of time. The majority of these people have absolutely no business being in a relationship whatsoever. Instead, they belong in therapy dealing with their emotional issues.

Before going any further, I will state that the statements I am making apply equally to those who are dominant as well as the submissive ones. It might be taken that only the submissive suffer from some of the ailments I am going to mention. That is not the case. Those who proclaim to be 'dominant' have just as many hang ups.

Immaturity

To start, the BDSM world has to be the most immature group of people I ever encountered. The whimers are so commonplace that it is a rarity to encounter one who accepts responsibility for what transpires. These people are like schoolchildren who have their pails taken in the sandbox. They scream and cry in an effort to get recognized. Of course, they also want justice. Nevertheless, until an adult shows up, the tantrum persists.

How often do we see this online? There are so many who behave in this exact manner. They are simply to immature to deal with real time interaction. Thus, they head to the virtual reality only to expose themselves as inept in this arena also. Few seem to know how to behave in a responsible, adult manner. Instead they whine about everything. If you doubt this statement, simply ask anyone who has moderated a BDSM site. You will be surprised about the stories you are told. Sadly, it is not all the new people doing the complaining. The old timers seem to be just as ornery about things.

Common Sense

Another reason that I conclude that most are simply complete morons is because they lack common sense. This is the natural ability to think through things in a sensible way. Nevertheless, I interact with so many who seem to lack the skillset to even get out of the rain without written instruction.

My favorite example is the subbie/slave who tells me 'Master does not like questions'. I cannot tell you the number of times I asked a person of this ilk about her Master, the one that she is going to move her kids in with, only to get this response. So, let me get this straight: you are going to move your family without knowing anything about the person you are move to? Duh. Are you stupid? Once again, common sense goes out the window.

Another one is believing all that one is told online. Here again, this applies to the dominants as much as the submissives. The truth is that the online world is an anonymous venue. People hide behind this reality and create whatever persona he or she wants. I once heard of a girl who has 18 collars. Now I am certain that at least a few of those 'Masters' believed what they had with this woman was real. They swallowed what she said hook, line, and sinker.

Common sense mandates that one take a lot of what is said with a grain of salt. Sure you can give people the benefit of the doubt. But do not take what they say as gospel. Also, if you find that one is 'attacking you', get over it. The truth is that most of the people you meet are nothing more than characters on a computer screen. Your interaction with them will never be more than that. So accept that as the reality of life.

Neurotic

Finally, most simply are neurotic. They have no dealt with psychological issues that are causing them emotional harm today. People seem to think that burying what happened is a way of dealing with it. That is not true. Unless one addresses the underlying issues of one's past, nothing will change.

For example, many on the submissive side tend to be heavy. Why is this? Well, in my interaction with numerous submissive types over the years, I learned that sexual abuse is also commonplace among people within this lifestyle. Therefore, many seem to deal with their abuse of the past by making themselves unattractive to others. This is a common psychological response to an unresolved issue such as this. Until one deals with the underlying neurosis, nothing will change.

Another area that is way off seems to be in regards to self esteem. People involved in BDSM tend to be always trying to compensate for poor self image. Again, we can point to the weight issue as one sign. Another is the pure arrogance on the part of dominants. These people are compensating for the fact that they truly think poorly of themselves. The idea of having someone to 'boss' around sits well with them. Of course, they do not have the ability to be responsible in this position. Those who are in a charge while having poor esteem tend to be abusive. Hence why there are so many horror stories that arise.

The bottom line is that it takes maturity, smarts, and commitment to make a BDSM relationship work. And, in my experience, there are so few who are able to operate at this level. I believe that looking at one's track record will yield signs as to his or her ability to succeed in this area. Sadly, most people you will encounter online do not have a stellar past. Keep this in mind when you are thinking about making a serious commitment to someone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

A Time To Recommit

The new year time always bring a sense of optimism and hope. No matter how bad the previous year, it is now in the past (sadly, this is also true if it was a terrific year). People start the year by making resolutions and promises to themselves. Even while in the midst of winter, it is the eternal spring.


Within the lifestyle, I find this a good time to recommit to what it is we discuss on here. To start, many have questions periodically about what they are doing living in this way. Society likes to bash us at every turn. This will make even the most experienced of us consider 'is it worth it'. This is the time when it is helpful to take the opportunity to recommit to your decision to live in this manner. We do not end up partaking in the power exchange life by mistake. Most of us tried the traditional route and found it wanting. If you are here, just remember the path that took you here. Society might want to push you in another direction. For those of us who stay...we know it is been there, done that, have the T-shirt.


Another thing, if you are involved in a relationship, recommit to that. Time has a way of making things mundane. Familiarity breeds contempt. Recommit to the one you own or serve. Look back over the last year and identify where you fell short (and yes to all you Masterful Dominants, you fell short to). Where did you let him or her down. Were you neglectful? Deceitful? Fearful? Manipulative? Dishonest? Commit to double your efforts to that person and your ownership/service to him/her.


Let everything you went through the last 12 months serve as a building block. The good times should be expanded upon. The bad times, if they didnt kill you (which if you are reading this, they didnt) only made you stronger and can be applied in the future as lessons. The next 12 months are an open canvass for you to design the masterpiece called 2011. Start by recommiting in the areas I mentioned as a foundation for your success and happiness.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Society's Lies

Society is totally and completely full of shit. Everything you were taught is most likely a lie. All your training was done to simply make you a non-consensual slave. This is the plight that the masses suffer. Few, in a 'civilized' society amount to much more than that. The land of the free is an illusion for children.

It Doesn't Work

Why do I make these harsh statements? Simply because they are true. And the reason why I can state this so emphatically is because what society teaches does not work for the majority of the people. The general populous is chasing a pipedream which, if achieved, is untrue.

Think about some of the lessons you heard. Try this one on for size:

Go to school, get a good job, meet the right girl, get married, and live happily ever after.

Okay, where do I start with this mess. In the United States, at this moment, unemployment is hovering around 10% (officially-the unofficial number is really closer to 18%). That means there are a whole lot of people who went to school who are having trouble getting a good job. Thus, happily ever after is going to have to wait a while.

At the same time, we know the divorce rate is close to 60%. That means 6 in 10 marriages fail. While I will grant there are many 'repeat offenders' who can skew the numbers, there are also ones such as myself who never married. Ergo, we have another piece of the equation that is out the window. Getting married is not necessarily the path to happiness.

Madison Avenue

Of course, the above is just one example of how we are misled. Look at the propaganda put forth by Madison Avenue. Almost every commercial simply lies to you in some form. The basic tenet of most ads is that 'you need this product'. Well, I can emphatically tell you that you do not. The truth is that you will be okay even if you do not have that exotic automobile. You can get laid without spending huge sums on designer perfumes and cologne. Whatever they are selling you do not need.

The reason why they are effective is because people lack the esteem to make their own choices. Here is where we also see society's lies in action. What percentage of the population has a high enough level of esteem to be able to make choices for themselves? I would say a very small percentage. Most follow like blind seals; rarely questioning anything. The advertisers, religious zealots, and political figures all use this to their advantage. They know the masses are asleep.

Your Life

One of the grandest lies is that you exist for someone else (unless you choose that route). This outlook is deemed selfish by society which is a sure sign of conditioning. The fact is that your life is yours. You are free to spend your time on this planet as you see fit. If there is a particular path that you would like to follow, it is up to you to do that. However, those who supposedly love us will cast their judging eyes upon us. This is something that only a few can tolerate.

Our society is made up of a bunch of 'people pleasers'. It is a conglomerate of weak people who are lead around by those with the foresight and power to take control. Thoreau was correct in his assessment that most live 'lives of quiet desperation'. The need to be liked, fit in, or feel love is so great that we will do anything to please those around us. We lose the ability to say 'no' to the whims of others which means we are saying 'no' to life. Whenever our choices are unknowingly made in this manner, then we are slaves. This is not something that is consciously known, thus, being non-consent. History shows this is nothing new.

The Awakened Are Free

Those who wake up to the lies are free to live. The other day I wrote a post that dealt with the freedom of bdsm. Those who consciously choose the BDSM lifestyle are free for a simply reason: they broke from the mindset that society implemented and forged a direction based upon a decision they made. These people are no longer asleep.

BDSM is about truth. It is a way of life that allows one to select something that is not in the mainstream but will provide the happiness and fulfillment (an often overlooked quality in life) that many are seeking. Is this a path for everyone? Certainly not. However, for those who find they do not fit into the general equation that society presents, perhaps this is something to pursue.

I found that BDSM is not about living a lie but about living. It starts with respecting the concept that one is free to choose how her or she opts to structure life. While many will cast a negative opinion about one serving in the capacity of a slave, the fact is that if this is what makes one whole inside, then it is a perfectly acceptable choice. When one wants to live in such a manner, who are we to try and deter that person.

Individuals awaken before the masses. Throughout history we see individuals who took a stand against the mainstream mindset. Rosa Parks is one who comes to mind. Society is the one that planted bigoted beliefs in people's minds. Generations were taught to hate coloreds. They were also show how homosexuality was despicable. And, today, we see the same powers show their followers how 'infidels' need to be eliminated. Dogma can come from anywhere and blind adherence is, historically, the path to slavery.

Remember all the lies society told throughout the ages the next time you are confronted with an implanted belief. The odds are that it doesnt work in your life. Awaken and choose your own path.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

A New Direction

Over the next few weeks, I am going to start taking this blog in a new direction. The BDSM philosophy is core to my existence. However, I feel that I am doing my readers a disservice if I do not touch upon many different aspects of life. To me, BDSM is about one thing: FREEDOM. People who enter into this way of life do so by telling society, 'I am going to live how I want regardless of what you think about it'. My opinion is that most of the western culture is nothing more than unknowing slaves. People toil all day long to get ahead only to end up empty (dead is another word). I want my readers to experience so much more.

Over the next few months, I will be implementing some changes in my life as a result of a new found outlook. Again, this is not wavering from the original BDSM notion. In fact, it is truly an expansion of this fundamental concept. Slavery is something that is all around us and I, for one, opt for the consensual as opposed to systematic slavery. Many of my posts will document this process.

My intention is to expand everyone's thinking by reiterating to you how I am altering things in my life. As a practicing member of what I write about, I hope this experience will benefit all of you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Equality: Unnatural Propoganda

"All Men Are Created Equal"

Today I am going to write what might well be my most controversial post to date. However, it is a topic that I believe needs discussing because so few are willing to engage upon it. Advocates of BDSM will do better in understanding this since inequality is a concept built into our lifestyle. For this reason, I feel that BDSM is the one of the few natural ways to live.

The above mentioned quote is the most famous line (actually part of one) in the United States Declaration of Independence. It was penned by Thomas Jefferson in rebuttal to the prevailing mentality of the day. Isnt it ironic that this phrase was written by a man who owned slaves? Obviously, all 'men' applied to only those he felt equal.

Slavery

Slavery, as an institution, is present throughout the majority of man's entire existence. From the earliest days of civilization the weak were exploited for the benefit of others. Over the centuries, the criteria changed but the results were the same. Occupants of conquered territories were forced into slavery by their invaders. Others were imported to complete certain projects from far away, but weaker, nations. Whatever the formula, the basic truth is that those in power exercised it effectively.

Since it is a part of our makeup, I conclude that slavery is as natural as man himself. To think otherwise is to deny our humanness. The truth is we do not see nor believe in equality. 20th century economic and political systems tried to create a Utopian state which espoused equality. The net result was greater inequality. Nowhere in the world does equality exist at any level. Inefficiencies among people, groups, and nations will always exist. And, in turn, there will be those powerful enough to exploit it.

"All Men Are Not Equal"

Parity is not something that exists in nature. If we look to this for the universal truth we see that one law exists: survival of the fittest. Nothing else matters in this environment. The mighty redwoods survive generations because of their great strength. Palm trees, on the other hand, endure high winds with breaking due to the fibrous properties that allow it to bend. The lion is the king of the jungle while sheep are slaughtered. Inequality is everywhere.

Humans think that their ability to reason removed the natural elements of the Kingdom that we reside. Man is as much a part of the Animal Kingdom as any other beast and, therefore, subject to all its characteristics. Conscious, altruism, and empathy serve to mask what is truly present within all of us. Nevertheless, our history shows that our true nature is not peace but conflict. Ultimately, we follow the mandate of survival of the fittest also.

Man is the 21st century feels that he is improving in this area. As a percentage of the population, according to Wikipedia, there are fewer people living in slavery then ever before. Many will point to that being progress. However, slavery can exist in many forms. Some point to the 'economic' slavery of today showing how little has changed. Corporations and businesses provide minimal compensation in return for effort. Without a sustained form of living, many believe these people are nothing more than slaves themselves. If one believes this line of reasoning, then it is concluded that most of the third world nations live in a modern form of slavery.

Once again, we prove that man is inherently unequal. And that is attributed to the Kingdom he occupies.

Master/slave

People will fit into either of two categories: Master or slave. We in the BDSM world know this. One is either in the position of dominant or he/she is submissive. While some might switch, the truth is there are only two camps we fall into. Again, this is what is natural for us as human beings.

We see this throughout society. Those who are powerful have the wealth, prestige, and charisma to occupy the leading roles. The rest follow behind with envy. They are celebrities, leaders of corporation, and lead men/women of entertainment. These are the people who model how we think. They are the delivers of the news which we swallow with the same vigor of a starving person. Our belief system is given to us by them, a system we vigorously defend without even questioning why we believe it. The truth is few are Masters while the majority are slaves.

Expecting equality among people is unrealistic. In the BDSM community we see how inane it is to try to make someone naturally submissive into a dominant. Many try without success. Anyone who is following an inner characteristic which is true to their nature cannot alter that. Those of us who are experienced in this way of life know this truth.

Nevertheless, society is intent on distributing this unnatural notion. Few ever realize their true place in life. Ask the average person if he or she is a slave, especially in a Western country, and they will tell you 'no way'. But, delve deeper into his/her life to unearth how 'owned' the person is. We all follow a schedule dictated by other to earn money to pay taxes which we did not agree to. As mentioned, we follow a belief system that we didnt question. Hell, many work in careers chosen by a parent. Everywhere we turn, with our eyes properly adjusted, we see slavery.

BDSM is the only lifestyle that I know which embraces the inequality among people. We understand that an equal split of power never occurs anyway; so why fool with it. The lines of power are set our and explicit. In the end, it works because it is natural.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Societal Teachings

Here is a quick question:

Do you have the freedom to be who you want to be?

Many would like to think they do but do they really? When you look at the influence society has upon each of us and the way that it imposes it's beliefs, one easily realizes that few are able to choose. Instead, we are trained to follow the particular dogma that society promotes.

Beliefs

I wrote a number of posts about questioning your beliefs. Beliefs are nothing more than ideas that people take to be true. The sad part of it is that few ever question what they believe or how it was derived. Society is extremely effective at getting the masses to believe what it wants. Through government and religions, the dogma is spelled out and adhered to.

What few realize is the beliefs change with time. Looking throughout American history, it is easy to see how the outlook by the masses was altered. Take wigs as an example. Today, wigs are acceptable for women but not for men. This is the common belief. However, that was no always the case. Early in our countries history, it was common for the leaders to wear white wigs during assembly. Society believed, at the time, that wigs for these individuals was acceptable.

Of course, we can see how this concept changes among different groupings. Nail polish is another example of an accessory that is identified with women. However, there are men in certain genres who wear it with acceptance. The punk rock movement is one area that comes to mind. Marilyn Manson and others are known to wear nail polish (in addition to makeup) without negative ramification from the fans.

Therefore, the only different is the belief(s) that one has. The accessory is not what is in question. It is the belief associated with it. If one wants to alter his/her life, simply change the beliefs you have.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist simply because someone decided that he or she wanted something different than society promoted. I love to use the gay culture since they have waged battle with the mainstream for 50 years. Through their struggles, they are attaining a degree of acceptance among the general population. Many of the beliefs that were once associated with the gays were removed. Certainly, prejudice still exists. However, it is not based upon the same degree of misinformation.

And that is what the basis of all my writing about the BDSM world is founded upon. I have a desire to clear up a lot of the misinformation about this way of life. We do go against the teachings of society. It takes courage to opt for this path since we risk being outcast by those we love the most. The traditional model is one that adheres to monogamy through the institution of marriage. While many of us create a life that includes this, there is a large percentage of us who do not subscribe to this belief.

Society wants to put us in a box. Being a part of the BDSM community means that you are willing to step outside that box and accept beliefs that go counter to what you were taught. In our way of life it is perfectly acceptable for a male to wear lipstick and makeup. That is what freedom is. You have the right to not wear it while another person can. It is all about individual choice. We do not promote dogma here. Instead, we value the inner search for what will make you happy. Whatever that path is, we encourage you to follow it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Being A Good Person

This sounds like a post that should be located on one of those 'woo woo' blogs where people talk about feeling and being good. While there certainly is truth to that dynamic, this is also something that applies to the BDSM world. As you travel around the web, you will find that not everyone you encounter meets the aforementioned criteria.

Qualities

Have you ever thought about what qualities are needed for being a good slave? Or, to look at the reverse, what are the traits needed to be a good Dom? Are these things that you commonly find in most people? These are all questions that I considered over the years. And my conclusion is that few possess them.

To start, the online world is a forum for dishonesty and misleading intentions. The anonymity that it provides enables people to create persona which may or may not reflect reality. Sadly, I see so many who buy into the online persona believing that the ideal match was found only to later realize that one was tragically misled.

Therefore, be sure to consider the qualities that a person exemplifies before considering him or her for any interaction. The truth is there are no shortcuts in this life any more than in the traditional world. People, for some odd reason, believe that entering this life will solve all relationship problems he/she encountered over the years. This is a belief that meets with a disappointing ending.

Goodness

Being a good person means being infested with goodness. Of course, the definition or traits that equate to being a 'good' person will differ for each of us. Nevertheless, it is safe to say that dealing with a person honestly is at the top of the list. Nobody likes to be lied to nor misled. This single characteristic eliminates most of the online morons since I believe, based upon personal research, that more than half the individuals in this medium (within the BDSM community) are misrepresenting themselves in some manner. Obviously, this puts the odds against someone immediately.

I often tell people, either dominant or submissive, to ask questions of anyone who he or she is interacting with. Some will use the belief that a submissive is not entitled to ask questions because of her place. If anyone tells you this, go to their profile page and write 'fake' on it. Everyone is entitled to ask questions to get to know another person. One cannot make a life decision without the necessary information.

In addition to honesty, I feel that integrity is also part of being a good person. This is something that is larger than honesty but still applicable. Integrity means being a decent person from top to bottom. It is the living according to a set of ideals or principles which hold oneself to a higher standard. This is vitally crucial in a BDSM relationship since each person has a responsibility to the other person. I do not believe anyone can be a good Master nor slave without having integrity. When one is conditioned to live according to less than admirable standards, he or she will ultimately only use the other person. This is another situation I see too often.

Being a good person means that you will behave in ways that produce the best results for all involved. Overtly selfish people cannot meet this criteria since they are too self-absorbed to consider others. At the same time, this same person lacks the maturity to successfully engage in a relationship of this magnitude. Considering how others are affected by one's actions, whether dominant or submissive, is a sign of a good person. Those who are only out for their own ends cause havoc every step of the way. These are the people that you want to avoid.

In closing, I will mention that it is best to remember all the life skills that you learned over the years. Many of the same attributes which create success in all relationships are applicable here. At the top of that list is common sense. Please do not forget to use your naturally gifted mind. Common sense will help you avoid many pitfalls that ensnare so many others. Use your head...you will not regret it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Patience

I am continually amazed how most want to jump into a full-fledged TPE relationship within a few minutes of finding this lifestyle. It is baffling how people instantly believe that they are capable of living as a Master, Mistress, or slave without any knowledge about what this life is about. Most believe that since they were always dominant (or submissive) they are able to immediately get into a relationship. As many find out, this is incorrect.

Knowledge Takes Time

Knowledge is something that takes time to acquire. There are many ways to go about gaining it but the most common are by living through life lessons and reading. Sadly, most want to go out and get themselves some experience instead of spending the time reading and learning. A lot can be garnered by studying the wisdom of others. Following this route can also avoid many pitfalls.

Experienced people like to share their knowledge. We write posts on different sites for the benefit of newer people. This is where a lot of experience can be garnered. Through the words of others you can see their feelings, what they went through, and how they handle different situations. All this will play into your decisions about different aspects of the lifestyle.

Patience Is The Key

As mentioned, most seem to want to jump into a relationship immediately. My question is how do you know what you are even looking for on another person(s) if you do not understand your particular aspect of the lifestyle? Just because one believes he or she is dominant, that does not make them ready to be a Master or Mistress. By the same token, I see so many who proclaim themselves "slaves" without even an inkling what that truly means.

Just yesterday I was conversing with someone who is new and seeking information. The best suggestion that I had for her was to be patient while reading all she could. Get a variety of viewpoints about the life before making any decisions. It is crucial for one to determine where he or she fits before seeking someone to compliment that decision. I find that most reverse the process and add someone into the equation before deciding where he or she fits. This is the proverbial horse before the cart situation.

There is plenty of time to move forward and get yourself involved with another. However, in the intern, relax and try to learn as much as you can. This will alleviate a great many headaches down the road. Remember, getting into a BDSM relationship is easy compared to keeping one going. You can snow someone in the beginning. However, they will ultimately find out that you do not know what you are doing if that is the case. This is not something that can be faked.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Plight In Life

This is going to stray a little outside the bounds of BDSM. I am going to share some observations about what I notice going on this the normal world. There are going to be some presumptions but, as I age, I see people who opt to fit into one of the two categories. Notice how I said the word 'opt' since we all our life is nothing but choices.

The Two Categories

Using out BDSM terminology, I noticed there are people who are Masters and then those who are slaves. Society, of course, uses different terms. It prefers to call people 'leaders' and 'followers'. The leaders are the one society esteems while the followers are looked down upon. This is the way it always was and, I presume, always will be.

The ironic thing is that few people consciously choose their plight in life. Instead, it is thrust upon them by the environment they exist within. We all tend to be products of our surroundings. We ultimately emulate those who are closest to us. Business leaders tend to breed other business leaders. Blue collar workers do the same thing. While we might envy others in a different situation, we usually follow those who we interact with.

The Ingrates

The world needs both sets of people. For many, the life as a slave is a perfectly acceptable way to live. There are many who do not have the material wealth but are rich in other ways. They live life according to their own precepts and reside the dogma that is forced upon them by others. Overall, they are wonderful people who truly make an impact on those around them.

Then there are those who are the exact opposite. These are the people who are societal ingrates. When one looks at their lives closely, it is easy to see they serve no purpose. If the person disappeared tomorrow, would anyone miss them? We find these are the people who deep down are not very nice people. They do not contribute but, rather, take in all instances. People like this attempt to use everyone they interact with. Instead, I believe these are the ones that are meant to be stepped upon. Too often, I find the situation is easy to turn on them. A lack of intelligence is often a barrier that cannot be surmounted.

No Equality

There is no such thing as equality. Nature dictates this to us all. Whenever one analyzes the natural laws, it is easy to see that there is no such thing as a level playing field. Realizing this will make your life a lot easier. It is those who hold out the false hope that someday everything will be 'just' who keep buying into the polyanna pipedreams. Life is a difficult challenge that rewards those who excel. Those who fall behind get swallowed up.

The ingrates in the world end up getting swallowed up in their own deception. Those who have the inner strength to grow, learn, and improve are the ones who have a chance. They are the individuals who have the ability to move from slave to Master. Choosing to live your life according to someone else is something that most do not even opt for themselves. Instead, they allow others to dictate this to them. At the same time, those who make the conscious choice to move in the direction they desire find they never have to bow before another individual. Life is a conscious choice that requires a great deal of inner searching.

BDSM Is A Conscious Choice

Anyone who is new to BDSM is beginning the search. This is the stage where one needs congratulations. Few ever take this initial step which is so life altering. It is not easy to remove oneself from the dogma that society preaches. Cultures typically do not promote the idea of individual choice or freedom. Sure it is paid lip service but society is about obedience and control.

Those who choose to break free from this mindset and search out the path to their own fulfillment requires strength. BDSM is one of the avenues people can opt for to find happiness. We all were confronted with the fact that what we were previously doing was not working. BDSM offered the route to entertain our desires. Suddenly, many of us found that the BDSM way of life provided a great deal more. However, none of it is possible unless one makes the conscious choice to begin the search.

Everyone has a different plight in life. There are many out there who seem to be 'born to be stepped on'. Nevertheless, these type of people are not involved in the BDSM way of life. Anyone who undergoes the necessary inner examination to determine what he or she wants and has the guts to follow that, is not a weak person. Thus, that individual will always be able to hold his/her head up high. There is something special about a person who is willing to walk away from the masses to pursue his or her own end. BDSM is where one can adopt a new plight in life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Other Focused

The mindset of a slave is so important. It is probably the most crucial aspect that separates one who is able to live in a M/s relationship versus those who cannot. Many enter the life believing that they can life in a TPE situation only to realize that it is not as easy as they anticipate.

Societal Beliefs

Society promotes the idea of personal power and self-centered focus. We have encountered the 'me' generation. Society is a group of people looking after their own self interest while not concerning themselves with the plight of others. The mind is trained to think of oneself first.

We see this mindset taken to the point that people do not even concern themselves with the lives of their own children. It is not uncommon for children to be left unattended while the parents does drugs or has sex. Periodically, we witness the tragic results of this outlook. Look out for number 1. It is deeply rooted in us.

Where does this leave a slave? In my opinion, to be successful as a slave, one must adopt a mindset that is exactly opposite what society teaches. Anyone who follows the dogma laid out by our culture surely will fail as a slave. Societal beliefs fundamentally oppose the idea of a TPE relationship.

Other Focused

A slave needs to default to the mindset of being 'other focused'. This entails considering someone else before oneself. Many will state how easy this is but it is not. Anyone who ever tried it knows it goes against every fiber of our cultured being. Service in general is looked down upon by the masses. We arrogantly believe that we are better than those who are paid to wait on us. This is just another built-in prejudice that one needs to overcome if he/she is going to succeed as a slave.

Putting the needs of another before oneself can be learned. I have witnessed many who embrace this outlook over time. While it is impossible to be 100% effective in this, there are many who ultimately live this way most of the time. Always considering the needs and desires of the Master is what should direct the life of a slave. Daily work at adopting this mindset is crucial.

One thing that every dominant person should include in his/her training is the idea of ego deflation. There are many ways to accomplish this task and a variety of methods is the best approach. Over the years, I have removed the name that a slave identifies with her traditional role. This is something that we are given at birth which has a great deal of our identity wrapped in it. Have a slave called something else is helpful is having her identify with the new 'her' (him). Another method is to make him/her do things that are way out of the ordinary. For example, most humans are accustomed to using the toilet. If a Master removes this from the regular routine, instead requiring elimination outside the house, we once again see the identity of the ego deflated. One will begin to see that he or she is not there for oneself but for the satisfaction of the Master.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Desire: The Starting Point

Desire is the starting point for all change. Any self-help program will cover this topic in great detail if it is worth anything. The central fact is that people will not change anything about themselves or their lives unless they first have the desire to do so. It is that simple. No matter how much we try to exert influence upon another person all is fruitless until that person has the inner craving for something different.

We can see this in all walks of life. It is a well known fact that excessive weight is a hazard to people's health. Intellectually, most of us know we need to drop some weight (if we are heavy). However, how many people actually do something about it? Very few. At the same time, we have people on the opposite end of the spectrum. They were grossly overweight and struck up the inner urge to change that about themselves. These are the people who we see lost 75, 100, or 150 pounds. They are the inspiration for others as to what is possible.

Desire is an important element in the BDSM community. I am a believer that this life, or at least aspect of it, are so far removed from what we are ordinarily taught. There is a learning curve that everyone must transcend if he or she is apt to be successful in this lifestyle. Anyone who has entered into this knows that it is not an easy path to follow. No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one is in, there is a certain desire necessary to grow and learn. A lot of what we deal with take discipline and regular effort. Becoming a proficient Master or slave, as an example, requires patience, study, and motivation. There are many benefits to be reaped yet they do not appear without effort.

The starting point for all change is desire. Obviously, it was a desire for something different that led you to begin looking at this life to begin with. People do not seek change unless something is amiss with the present situation. For most of us, we simply were not fulfilled following the traditional path. There are many among us who obey the societal directives perfectly only to realize that perhaps they were misled. Going to school, getting the good job, meeting the nice girl, marrying her, and having the family is the prescription that society sells as the path to happiness. And for many it is. Nevertheless, we are the ones who desired something different and used that desire to embark on a different journey. Finding this way of life was the first step in the fulfillment of those inner needs.

There are also times within our 'BDSM lives' that we need to tap into our inner desire. For example, we are all aware of how relationships can go 'stale'. When two people are together for an extended period of time, it is possible to take each other for granted. This is something that many have to work at overcoming. And guess what is needed? Desire. Do you have the desire to put forth the effort to take your relationship to another level? If you do, then you will put for the energy to do those things that make a difference. Perhaps it entails exploring another aspect of the relationship previously overlooked. Or it might mean altering a schedule to interact with each other in a different manner. Whatever is needed, one needs the desire to continually move forward.

Desire is something that we need to regular search for within ourselves. Life has a way of battering us at times. And he (or she) has a way of getting under our skin to the point where we want to throw in the towel. The decision to do this or not is in direct proportion to our desire to make it successful. At times desire is flowing out of our eyeballs. Others times it is hidden deep within us. Nonetheless, it is something that we need to bring to the surface regularly. I found that everything else stems from it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

24/7 BDSM

There seems to be a great deal of confusion as to what being 24/7 means. Many seem to think that one is at the Master's beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I guess in the literal sense, being a 24/7 slave does mean this. However, in this day and age, it is good to intertwine practicality amongst the literal. For this reason, being 24/7 carries a different connotation.

Former Life

Let us be honest: very few people were raised to be slaves. This is remarkably different from the historical eras where slavery was commonplace. In Egyptian times, as an example, children that were born to slaves were instantly property of the owner. The same was true in the Southern U.S. in the 1700s and 1800s. People were raised knowing exactly what their plight in life was. There was no decision to be made. A child of a slave grew into a slave. Period.

Now, if we contrast that with the common mindset in society today, we see an entirely different viewpoint. Most people follow the edict established as normal by the culture in the same way that children of slaves progressed. Each follows the dogma except for the rare exception. Today, the prevailing path espoused by society is one of equality within a marriage. The traditional model promotes a man and a woman partnering together for the basis of the family unit. This institution, marriage, is one where there is equality (at least that is the lip service-whether it truly exists is questionable in a still male dominated culture). Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal and, thus, shunned.

What does this mean for the slave who enters into a BDSM relationship. Oftentimes, there are outside responsibilities which arise due to choices we made prior to finding this way of life. It is common to find slaves who also have to take care of children fathered by one other than Master/Mistress. This means that one is obligated to perform tasks that do not pertain to the M/s relationship.

I also find that we live in an age where two incomes are needed for financial survival. I could espouse my beliefs about as to why this happened but it would take away from my message here. The simple truth is both adults usually need to work outside the home. BDSM participants are not excluded from this reality. While there are some who are financially well off, most have to work to provide for their families. Again, this is a responsibility that we do not have immunity from.

A Mindset

Being 24/7 is a mindset. There are times when we all have other 'Masters' we need to serve. There are people such as bosses, colleagues, and others who we have authority over us based upon a position. Many take orders throughout the day from people other than their Masters. Of course, this does not mean that they are 'owned' by all these people.

At present, my slave works outside the house. This is something that is done with my approval. She ran the prospect of work by me before she went to get a job and received authorization from me before accepting the position she did. That being said, throughout the day, she takes orders from someone other than myself. Many will mistakenly believe that she is not 24/7 because of this. However, that is not the case since she knows at all times her owns her and what she is. Her 'slavery' does not end when she leaves the house.

One other aspect pertaining to this; I am the one who benefits from her efforts. Being a slave means that she does not own property. Therefore, her wages are turned over to me since they are mine. Her labor gains are for me. At the same time, I can also tell her to leave that position. However, if I do, I must be willing to accept the consequences of that decision...the loss in income. Her 'obedience' to her supervisor is done only as a means for survival in the workplace. If I decide to overrule what her boss demands, then I must accept the outcome there her manager chooses; termination.

In conclusion, realize that 24/7 servitude directly to a Master is not feasible in many instances. But, if one has the mindset of a slave and knows who he/she is owned by, then all efforts will be directed towards that person's benefit. And, this is just as valid a form of slavery as living on a plantation 250 years ago.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Slavery: The Path to Freedom?

To those of us who are involved in this way of life, this does not seem like such a contradiction. However, to the outsider, this premise makes no sense. Of course, if one looks at society in general, he or she notices the few realize they are living in bondage. The truth is that most people are slaves.

Freedom: Man's Natural State

Man's natural state is freedom. This is something that he has fought for throughout his existence. History is filled with stories about people who stood up against their oppressors. Deep down, we all root for the underdog since it is something that we all can identify with. Each if us has been in situations where we were up against insurmountable odds. At the same time, everyone, to one degree or another, has felt what it is like to be unfairly treated. These times only serve to get our ire up. I know that my homicidal tendencies increase whenever I experience this.

People are imprisoned everyday. This is a state of existence that is unnatural. Anyone in this situation immediately rebels at the idea. The days are counted down until release. Freedom is craved. We see in this toddlers who try to exit their cribs (or carseats). We simply do not like being restrained. Our natural druthers are to be free.

Societal Conditioning

Society conditions us into behaving in ways that remove our freedoms. We are taught to obey the law or else we pay some adverse consequence. For many infractions, we must pay a fine. However, for the more serious crimes 'against society', we literally lose our freedom. Physical incarceration is the most recognized.

There is another way society robs us and that is in the area of thought. Over the years, we are trained to think a particular way. Humans tend to be products of the environment they grew up in. We simply absorb the beliefs and ideas that are presented to us. All our values of right and wrong are handed to us. Few take the time to question anything that is presented. Instead, the masses swallow it all as factual. Therefore, the Yankees are scum and their fans evil. Christianity is the only 'proper' belief and everyone else is destined for hell. Republicans (or Democrats) are ignorant and should be tried for treason. No matter what the belief, it is evident that we didnt create them on our own.

BDSM is Freedom

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. By its very definition, that means that it is not practiced by the majority of society. To be engaged in this way of life, one must go through so kind of 'alternative thinking'. Deviation from the mainstream always starts in the mind. I suppose that is why few ever undertake this exercise since it requires this act. Few have the internal fortitude to question anything he or she believes. In their mind, society is always correct.

Why do I believe that BDSM is freedom. Simply because it is a choice that one exercises. Since it is not commonplace, anyone who enters this realm is exercising his/her ability to choose. To me, that puts one ahead of 95% of the people who are out there. Most excel at blind allegiance. They obey with whatever the prevailing notion is while rejecting anything that goes counter to that. BDSM is something that is rejected as perverted, ridiculous, and immoral. Anyone engaged in this way of life is also determined to be those things.

Living according to one's own desires is a sign that one is willing to shed the societal chains in search of individual happiness. The truth is that nobody can decide for another what is the best way for that person to live. Each of us has individual needs we want met. Our internal programming differs to the degree that it takes different things to lead to fulfillment. The common path is not always the 'golden path'. In fact, it often leads to unhappiness.

The traditional life was tried by most everyone who is in a BDSM relationship. We tried the equitable power exchange model and found it wanting. It is not something that matched up with our desires. Instead, we opted to seek out something that satisfied that core need. BDSM was the answer. Some found themselves suited to take on responsibility and be Masters while others wanted to completely serve another as slaves. And, we find a host of people who are in between those two ends of the spectrum. Regardless of where anyone stands, he or she made a conscious choice to pursue this path.

Therefore, for many slavery is the path to freedom.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Proper Image

What is your image of yourself? If you are like most people, it is probably skewed. I recently watched a movie with Meg Ryan where she was a boxing manager who 'lost' her way. The main premise is that as she attained more success, her perception of herself changed. Of course, like most who get wrapped up with oneself, she alienated everyone around her. This is common course for people who walk this path.

The Start: Mindset

How we see ourselves plays a large part in the success we experience in this lifestyle (as it does in all aspects of life). This is one of the main reasons why I believe people need to take the time to acclimate themselves with this life. I see so many who want to rush into it without taking the necessary time to adjust to the new life. A great deal of this involves the mental conditioning to be able to serve in the role one is seeking to fill.

It all starts in the mind. So many claim their are slaves, as an example, but do they really view themselves as such. Can they picture what it is like to live under the control of another? This is something that must be accomplished mentally before it can flourish in reality. The same holds true for one who is dominant. If he or she seeks to 'own' another, then it is crucial that person mentally picture what that. Domination starts in the head, as does submission.

Many want to control through fear. This is the way of a weak person. True strength comes from taking control of another mentally, physically, and psychologically. Ultimately, it is the controlling of the mind that allows two people to explore the great depths of a BDSM relationship.

It Takes Time

The proper mindset takes time to develop. My experience is this is something that doesnt come overnight. Instead, the process occurs in stages. One starts to identify with a particular role. However, the idea doesnt fully sink in for a while. It is similar to a newlywed. One consciously knows that he or she is married the moment the vows are taken. However, there is always the 'aha' moment a few weeks/months later when one is quiet and realizes 'damn, I'm married'. That is the instance where the mindset changed.

Viewing oneself properly is crucial to success in the BDSM lifestyle. I see so many who try to fake their way through things. Self-doubt is apt to sabotage any relationship. I tell people, especially when new, that there is no use in lying about one's experience. The truth will ultimately come out because the person doesnt believe it him or herself. In effect, the individual's self image does not match what is being stated.

Viewing yourself as part of this lifestyle is key. That is something that takes a while. When we encounter this way of life, most of us are anxious to get involved. Nevertheless, we all know that knowledge must be garnered to properly reflect what we are. Knowing you are dominant or submissive is not enough. We ultimately need the outlook that reflects that mindset in all we do. Knowing what you are enables this to become a part of you. Over time, you are unable to think any other way. The 'new' you is the 'norm'. And it all starts in your head.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Role Playing versus Living

The BDSM community is a wide spectrum. It includes people from all walks of life who have varying interests. People enter into the arena with a plethora of experiences which do not match up. In the end, it is the diversity which makes it such a wonderful life.

Role Playing

Role playing is a firm part of this lifestyle. Many engage in it as a method of enhancing their enjoyment. The most common is in the sexual arena where people liven up their 'bedroom antics' with a bit of D/s role play. Taking the part of dominant or submissive adds a layer of pleasure which many do not experience in vanilla relationships. Light bondage, spanking, and blindfolds are often part of the practices these people engage in. While many will proclaim that this is not bdsm, I feel that it is. Certainly our life is wide enough to include people who are into light play.

Another form of role playing is within the setup of an existing relationship. Many will create scenes to enhance the pleasure with a partner. Leather outfits, whips, rope, and chains can all be used to simulate a dungeon scene. This is a way that some opt to stress the difference in power. It is not unheard of for people to switch during a scene with each person being both dominant and submissive. Since they are filling roles, the reversal is rather easy for these types. It is one area where a 'lifestyler' will differ from the role players.

As mentioned, I feel that all of these desires fall under the heading of 'BDSM'. Anyone who engages in any type of power exchange utilizing the accessories that we do is participating in BDSM.

The Lifestyle

Then there are those who 'live this lifestyle'. Before going any further, I will state that this is a bit misleading to a newer person. There are few who actually live this as a true lifestyle meaning that this is their primary involvement. Some will be involved in BDSM relationships while earning their living by performing so type of BDSM act. Professionally Dommes come to mind as a group who makes their living off BDSM.

However, these people are the minority. Most of us lead lives similar to most other people. We work regular jobs earning wages to sustain our families. The problems and difficulties that people in the vanilla world face are also common amongst us. We suffer at times physically, financially, emotionally, and with family. None of us are immune to being human. We experience many of the same things that others do.

So, what is the difference. To me, it comes in the mindset. One who 'lives the BDSM lifestyle' carries the mindset of power exchange 24/7. Even if someone is not in a relationship presently, he or she knows exactly what is being sought. For example, a dominant knows that he or she is such. It is not something that is wavered upon. Ultimately, this person is acting in accordance to a deep-seeded desire. The same is true for those who are submissive. They are following a path that comes from within.

This is a sharp contrast compared to those who role play. These individuals can exit the BDSM life once they leave the scene. When their antics are over, they return to 'normal life'. The lifestyle person does not. He or she carries that mindset in every situation. A slave is still owned even if she is at work and under the concern of another 'manager'. She does not change simply because the situation does. Equality is not sought in any area of her life. The role player returns to equality. And that is the difference.

Room For All

The BDSM life is large enough for all to be a part of. While I will take exception to some on terminology (labels) used in particular situations, I will never say that anyone needs to leave the BDSM community. I understand it is a varied spectrum. Some prefer the lighter side of things while others are seeking the extreme. Personal desires are meant to be fulfilled whatever those desires are. It is not up to anyone else to determine that for an individual. If one (or a couple) wants to simply liven things up by engaging in some light BDSM, have at it. We should be glad to have these people. Variety is what makes the world go round.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.