February 21, 2011

'Accept Me As I Am'

I was speaking with a local Master over the weekend. Him and I were 'comparing notes' on the lifestyle. One thing that came up in the conversation was the idea that many slaves have that a Master should 'accept her as she is'. Of course, this concept did not go over very well with either of us.

Before going further, I will state that this guy I was talking with is an 'old timer'. He is around this way of life for more than 40 years. While I acknowledge that time does not necessarily mean that one knows anything, the truth is there is no replacing experience. And this gentlemen has a great deal of it.


One fundamental idea of mine about the M/s lifestyle is that it is based upon TPE. Many seem to take this notion as incorrect. However, this is what I feel separates M/s from a standard D/s relationship. Under the D/s scenario, the submissive maintains some control over what occurs in her life. This is not the case when one elects to life M/s. Here we have a lifestyle which all power resides within the hands of the Master. The breakdown of power is very clear.

Without this power structure, I feel one is engaging in more of a role play scenario. While this is wonderful if it is what one is truly seeking, the truth is that many want to live the extreme control dynamic for real. This means that both commit to an unequal relationship in this area. My experience is that few can truly live this way of life. But, for those that do, they understand what I am about to comment upon.

Total Power

When one has total power over another, that means that all decisions are based upon what he (she) thinks. That is the advantage to living in such an arrangement. Quite simply the slave exists for the pleasure and benefit of the Master. Everything falls under this domain. Anything is subject to his (her) approval.

This brings up the point of the 'accept me as I am' philosophy. To start, I sense that anyone who is proclaiming this does not have the proper mindset to be a slave. Sure she (he) might well be submissive. However, a person who believes this is better suited for a D/s relationship. In that scenario, one has the preference to make that statement. In M/s, it goes against the grain.

Fundamentally, the notion that a Master needs to 'accept' something about a slave without the ability to change it is wrong. A slave knows that all of her (him) is for Master. This is the basic essence of the M/s interaction. The exchange of power means that he is free to alter whatever he does not like about a slave. This is an expectation that any true Master has.

Whether it is weight loss, hair color, or career choices, a slave is not the one who decides that. Once a person enters into a M/s relationship as a slave, she gives up the option of making her own choices. Remember this before you get involved in something that is too much for you to handle. There is nothing wrong with living in a D/s relationship if that is what you are suited for. Better to be happy (and safe) then try to attain a level one is not designed for.

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February 20, 2011

Complete Morons

Today we will have a bit of a rant about the intelligence level of our community. It is sad but the BDSM world is full of people who have no sense whatsoever. For years I have pondered why this is. The only explanation I can conjure up is because we are the 'last house on the block' for many.

Unable To Take Care of Themselves

How many people do we encounter in this lifestyle who can truly take care of themselves? Honestly. Consider that question for a while. It is something that is really worth exploring in detail. I undertook this expedition and was amazed what I found.

The truth is that few who we meet, especially online, are capable of providing for themselves. Most of the people suffer from so many things that it is almost impossible to straighten out. It is easy to see why most BDSM relationships fail in a short period of time. The majority of these people have absolutely no business being in a relationship whatsoever. Instead, they belong in therapy dealing with their emotional issues.

Before going any further, I will state that the statements I am making apply equally to those who are dominant as well as the submissive ones. It might be taken that only the submissive suffer from some of the ailments I am going to mention. That is not the case. Those who proclaim to be 'dominant' have just as many hang ups.


To start, the BDSM world has to be the most immature group of people I ever encountered. The whimers are so commonplace that it is a rarity to encounter one who accepts responsibility for what transpires. These people are like schoolchildren who have their pails taken in the sandbox. They scream and cry in an effort to get recognized. Of course, they also want justice. Nevertheless, until an adult shows up, the tantrum persists.

How often do we see this online? There are so many who behave in this exact manner. They are simply to immature to deal with real time interaction. Thus, they head to the virtual reality only to expose themselves as inept in this arena also. Few seem to know how to behave in a responsible, adult manner. Instead they whine about everything. If you doubt this statement, simply ask anyone who has moderated a BDSM site. You will be surprised about the stories you are told. Sadly, it is not all the new people doing the complaining. The old timers seem to be just as ornery about things.

Common Sense

Another reason that I conclude that most are simply complete morons is because they lack common sense. This is the natural ability to think through things in a sensible way. Nevertheless, I interact with so many who seem to lack the skillset to even get out of the rain without written instruction.

My favorite example is the subbie/slave who tells me 'Master does not like questions'. I cannot tell you the number of times I asked a person of this ilk about her Master, the one that she is going to move her kids in with, only to get this response. So, let me get this straight: you are going to move your family without knowing anything about the person you are move to? Duh. Are you stupid? Once again, common sense goes out the window.

Another one is believing all that one is told online. Here again, this applies to the dominants as much as the submissives. The truth is that the online world is an anonymous venue. People hide behind this reality and create whatever persona he or she wants. I once heard of a girl who has 18 collars. Now I am certain that at least a few of those 'Masters' believed what they had with this woman was real. They swallowed what she said hook, line, and sinker.

Common sense mandates that one take a lot of what is said with a grain of salt. Sure you can give people the benefit of the doubt. But do not take what they say as gospel. Also, if you find that one is 'attacking you', get over it. The truth is that most of the people you meet are nothing more than characters on a computer screen. Your interaction with them will never be more than that. So accept that as the reality of life.


Finally, most simply are neurotic. They have no dealt with psychological issues that are causing them emotional harm today. People seem to think that burying what happened is a way of dealing with it. That is not true. Unless one addresses the underlying issues of one's past, nothing will change.

For example, many on the submissive side tend to be heavy. Why is this? Well, in my interaction with numerous submissive types over the years, I learned that sexual abuse is also commonplace among people within this lifestyle. Therefore, many seem to deal with their abuse of the past by making themselves unattractive to others. This is a common psychological response to an unresolved issue such as this. Until one deals with the underlying neurosis, nothing will change.

Another area that is way off seems to be in regards to self esteem. People involved in BDSM tend to be always trying to compensate for poor self image. Again, we can point to the weight issue as one sign. Another is the pure arrogance on the part of dominants. These people are compensating for the fact that they truly think poorly of themselves. The idea of having someone to 'boss' around sits well with them. Of course, they do not have the ability to be responsible in this position. Those who are in a charge while having poor esteem tend to be abusive. Hence why there are so many horror stories that arise.

The bottom line is that it takes maturity, smarts, and commitment to make a BDSM relationship work. And, in my experience, there are so few who are able to operate at this level. I believe that looking at one's track record will yield signs as to his or her ability to succeed in this area. Sadly, most people you will encounter online do not have a stellar past. Keep this in mind when you are thinking about making a serious commitment to someone.

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February 8, 2011

Emotional Control=Maturity

Why do I title this post in this manner? Simple. Because a lack of emotional control equals immaturity. And that is what most in this lifestyle seem to major in. There are so many who behave in ways that is reminding of a toddler. I can picture some of these people sitting in their high chairs crying and tossing their food across the room. That is the behavior of many that I see, especially online.

Acting Like An Adult

Do you remember when two children would be on the playground playing in the sandbox when a fight would break out over the pail or shovel? The ensuing melee was filled with 'mine. mine. mine.' Of course, once the parental units arrived, it was explained to the youths that sharing was the proper way to interact. This concept was promptly met with 'but. but. but'. Eventually, either the child saw the wisdom on the adult viewpoint (usually after an explanation about leaving if the attitude didnt change) or the parent snatched the child out of the sandbox thus ending the day's festivities.

Another image that I want to conjure up is the child who is angry. Have you ever seen a 7 or 8 year old throw a temper tantrum? It is rather comical when you think about it. The child's face turns all shades of red, tears start flowing, the voice raises up to rock concert decibels, and things are thrown. Of course, the adult in the situation meets this tantrum with calm and force. Any mature person knows that it is a losing proposition to escalate and match the person who is out of control. Mature people behave like adults when dealing with children.

However, what happens when adults behave like children? The aforementioned examples might bring a smile to your face but it is easy to envision adults behaving in a similar manner. And, this is especially true among the BDSM crowd (although I really don't think them any different from the norm). The level of immaturity that I witness, especially online, is astounding. It is almost like dealing with a bunch of children. Now I know who pre-school teachers feel.

Control One's Fear

Behind all lack of emotional control is fear. Fear affects people in different ways. However, one thing that is universal is that fear spreads like a cancer. It causes people to go on the offensive. Battles take place online amongst people who never met with the same vigor that the Hatfields fought the McCoys. When you step back and realize the insanity of that behavior, you begin to understand the childishness of it all.

How important it is to be right? If you monitor the online activities, you are led to believe that being right is the most important thing in the world. People are continually having to save 'face'. This is a fear based action which we also see present in real life. Reputation is something that people place a great deal of concern upon. Sadly, this is just another way of saying that one places great weight on what others think. Once again, we see the child from within arising.

Emotional control means that one is able to rise above the situation and see it from afar. Truthfully, what does it matter what people think and write online. Being an author I can tell you people have panned my ideas in the most venomous of ways. Do I lose any sleep over it? Not in the least. When I write, the people who get enjoyment out of it are the ones that benefit. The others? Well they can just jump in a lake.

If I wanted to, I could engage in fearful thinking by considering how much my reputation is affected by those who disagree with me. This would lead me to believe that I needed to 'correct' them and show everyone how much smarter I am. Of course, this all would lead to a vicious cycle that is never ending. Ultimately, the one who would suffer is me.

Taking a mature approach to these situations is the only way to control the fear. Fear is cunning. It will take over without one noticing. Emotional control is how one stands out. Rising above the commotion while maintaining sanity is what gives one power. Online, the bar is set low in this regard. The behavior of the masses within the BDSM community shows that most lack the emotional ability to be involved with people in general. This is a statement I make after years of observation.

So, when you see me write about growth, sometimes I am referring to something as simple as 'growing up'.

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February 5, 2011

Revisiting the Basics

Every so often, no matter how long one is around, it is always good to reexamine the basics. This applies to all aspects of life but is also very important in the BDSM world. There are many things that need to be looked at periodically. Here are just a few that I like to review.

The Lifestyle:

Why did I choose this life? What about it interested me initially and does that same reasoning hold? If not, are there other motivations for living my life as I do?

The truth is there are many forces in daily life which can pull us away. At times the thoughts of 'maybe I am better suited for the vanilla world' goes through all of our minds. This is especially true when one is unattached and alone. It is far easier to stay connected when one is interacting with others in the lifestyle. The normal world simply does not understand us. Plus, there are different pressures and criteria for judging when we intermingle with the day-to-day people. This can cause us to lose sight of what is important.


If you are in a relationship, perhaps it is best to go back to the basics with this person. It is human nature for things to get stale without effort. We all have a tendency to fall into routine (read rut). This leads to us taking things (others) for granted. I personally am guilty of this offense in numerous occassions. It is best to revisit the fundamentals of your relationship to reinvigorate the spice.


Both submission and domination require effort. Even though these are natural desires which reside within each of us, there are certain skills which go along with it. It is imperative that we remember what it is that got us to the place that it did. As a dominant, it is easy for me to get lazy and start acting like a bossy asshole. I need to continually remind myself that fear is an awful tool to use to dominate. At the same time, while I might have the respect of one and the authority over her, I can easily lose the power. My ability to dominate is dependent upon my ability to grow. Failure to grow means I will descend backwards.


There are basic techniques associated with all we do. Perhaps one is a little rusty on his/her rope tying skills (or never had them to begin with). This is where going back to the basics can be helpful. Revisit the different areas of play that you engage(d) in and go through all important factors. Approach it like you are new person learning these things for the first time. After some time, flogging or whipping become second nature to us. With that 'expertise' can also come laziness. For example, are you attentative to 'wraparound' as you are scening. I know when I first started using a whip, this was a major concern for me (because I was told to be attentive to this).

Safety is always a top priority to us. Have you reviewed your safety techniques of late. How is the first aid kit? Does it have all the things you will need for proper aftercare? Are needles and blades old and rusty? Do they need replacing? Are you in need of a revisiting of the medical book to see where the sensitive (i.e. dangerous) parts of the body are?

The Eastern philosophies tell us that mastery is achieved only through mastery of the basics. It is easy for us to overlook some of the things that are second nature to us. However, as was stated, it is best for everyone to reconsider all these things. If you do that, the BDSM experience will take on a (re)new(ed) meaning.

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February 1, 2011

Types of Beatings

Today I am going to discuss the different types of beatings and explain how they apply or do not apply to the BDSM lifestyle. Many seem to believe that the physical act of beating another is what is the deciding factor. It is not. Instead we need to look at the motivation behind the activity. This is what determines whether it is appropriate or not.

As always safety is the primary concern. There are three different classifications of beatings in my experience. Only one truly deserves to be involved in the BDSM arena. The other two exhibit emotional issues which need dealing with.

1. Abuse

This is a simple one to see. Abuse is consider a beating that does not have an intended purpose other than to harm the other person. This is done by a person who lacks emotional control (i.e. rage). BDSM world or not, abuse is unacceptable regardless of the arena. I heard some proclaim that since a slave is property she is subject to abuse. This is incorrect.

We should be as intolerant of physical abuse as the rest of society. Those who feel the need to use the BDSM world as a guise for their behavior should be exposed as frauds and fakes. These people are despicable at every level.

2. Emotional Release

The second beating is one where a sub/slave requires an emotional release. This is another category that I would say is not part of the BDSM lifestyle. While there is a benefit for the person receiving the beating, I feel that harm is done at the psychological level. A person who is engaging in this behavior is usually the physical pain to alter her emotional space. This shows one lacks the ability to properly handle what is going on in her life.

BDSM is a lifestyle for those who are psychologically and emotionally able to handle it. There are many who try to enter this way of life who are suffering from traumatic experiences in the past. Before entering into a BDSM relationship, it is often best for these types to get the proper counseling beforehand. Sadly, few seem to take that approach. Instead they use this method as a way of avoiding whatever is taking place within themselves. Part of the growth process is developing emotionally so that one is a strong person.

3. Pleasure/Pain

This is the final beating and the one that is commonly misunderstood by outsiders. The truth is there are many who receive great pleasure by experiencing a lot of pain. To them, a beating of this sort is refreshing. They simply love it. Many love the feel of the accessories as they strike the bare skin and the sting that ensues. Pain lovers are often sexually stimulated by the feelings instilled through a beating of this nature. This is what commonly happens in the BDSM world.

Another factor of this is the punishment beating. I will state that we need to distinguish between a punishment and abuse. There are times one is paddled for wrongful actions which in no ways nears the boundaries of abuse. Discipline is a part of our life. However, as with children, the difference between abusing and disciplining a child is obvious. The outside world sees it all as abuse yet we who live in this manner know it is not.

In summary, not all beatings are created equal. There is a proper way to approach one when using physical techniques such as these. Nevertheless, the mental motivation is crucial as to why one is engaging in this activity. Anything other than the pleasure/pain dichotomy is inappropriate. That is not BDSM.

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