November 30, 2013

Focus On Your Talents

In my last post, I wrote about the need for one to continue his or her education in BDSM.  On second thought, this is not only a necessity in BDSM but life in general.  Nevertheless, BDSM is an lifestyle with many different nooks.  Quite simply, there are many directions a person can choose to go in.  Thus, continually exploring the different aspects of this way of life will offer tremendous results.

What Do You Like?

I see so many enter the lifestyle with a preconceived notion of what it is all about.  While I presume this is a natural state for most, I feel it is a mistake in that it limits what people will ultimately experience.  It is rather ironic to see someone embrace something they one shied away from simply because they pre-determined that they "didn't like that".  As the old saying goes, do not knock it until you try it.

Closed-mindedness is something that is contradictory to BDSM.  Think about it for a second.  When one enters the BDSM world, he or she is embarking upon something that is considered to be "an alternative lifestyle".  This is not mainstream, at least not openly mainstream.  The simple act of entering this in any form requires one to cast aside part of the belief system that most of us were raised with.  Since society does not actively promote BDSM as a way of life, those who are attracted to it have a certain degree of open-mindedness.

What I find interesting is how this open-mindedness exits once someone settles into a particular aspect they find appealing.  Suddenly, this is the "right" way while another approach is the "wrong way".  I see so much intolerance for the likes of others simply because it is not to someone's liking.  Naturally I feel these people should just be ignored because there is no sense in listening to them.  Quite often, they end up being worse than the intolerance we face in the vanilla world.

So, your journey starts (and continues) with asking yourself "what do I like?".  This is a question that continues to yield results as we travel down the BDSM path.  Over time, I found that many of the things that did not interest me 10 years ago suddenly are intriguing.  Also, as I learn more and expand my skills, more options are available to me.  These two things combined alerted me to the fact that I should not close my mind to any aspect of the lifestyle.   I simply do not know what the future holds.


The easiest way to gain knowledge is by reading.  Now, I must mention a concept that I repeated on here for years.  There is a lot of misinformation out there about this way of life.  People often have an agenda which differs greatly from the average BDSM explorer.  The porn industry, as an example, has the agenda to make money hence puts forth an idea that will help excite people sexually.  At the same time, many of the "BDSM romance" writers glamorized and romanticize the life of a slave which seriously alters the reality of that part of the lifestyle.  50 Shades is a prime example.

Nevertheless, in spite of this fact, reading is still one of the fastest ways to expand your knowledge base.  Once again, this is not only relegated to BDSM but life overall.  There are hundreds of different sites which offer tremendous information about different aspects of this life.  Try to focus upon those where a person talks about his or her experiences.  For example, many slaves have taken to "journaling" their experiences online.  For anyone interested in this path, a site such as that will offer a great deal of first-hand knowledge and tips.  So I feel spending time reading about the lifestyle is crucial.

Application of Knowledge Leads To Talents

It is said that knowledge is not power, only potential power.  Unless one takes the knowledge and applies it to life, little is gained from that knowledge.  In other words, it is basically wasted.  For that reason, it is vital that one take the knowledge garnered from reading and put it into application.

Focusing upon one talent's is where one is able to expand his or her abilities.  If one wants to be a better Master, as an example, it is best if he focus upon what he is able to do in the area of control, financial expertise, certain play areas, and psychology.  All of these areas enter into the owning of another.  At the same time, depending upon the experience of this individual, there will be areas where he falls short.  Improving this while expanding his talents in these areas will make his domination improved.  The same is true for a slave.  She will have things that she excels at while being a bit poor in other areas.  Continually looking at oneself, especially after gaining some mental insight, while seeking to improve is the name of the game.  This is something that applies equally to both dominant and submissive.

A terrific exercise for everyone to engage upon is an inventory process.  Take an honest look at yourself and inventory your BDSM lifestyle.  Look at your talents to appreciate where you excel while alerting yourself to your shortcomings.  It is impossible to rectify something that we are not aware of.  So inventorying where we presently are is a starting point.  As we get closer to the new year, we are going to hear a lot about goals for 2014.  Perhaps, it best if you incorporate some benchmarks that you want to reach within your own BDSM abilities.  For example, do you want to learn about and experience electrical play?  Are you a bad manager of money?  If so, perhaps studying the basics of money management is helpful (vital if you want to own someone in my opinion).  Whatever you uncover when inventorying your skills, make it a goal to do something about it.  Again, focus on those areas which would be defined as talents.  Ultimately, when you are in a BDSM relationship, the "talents" are what you bring to the table.  If you are limited in what you can do, your offering will be equally as limiited.

Most of you know I feel BDSM is about growth.  Success in this world requires one to continually look within.  What are you doing today to expand your abilities?  This is something we all should ask ourselves on a daily basis.  Focusing upon your talents enables you to experience more that the BDSM world has to offer.  At the same time, it will increase your attractiveness to another since you are able to offer more to that person.  Keep this in mind as you are struggling through the inventory process.  There is a payoff at the end.


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November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving

I wish everyone a Happy and safe Thanksgiving.  May your day be filled with blessing and joy.

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November 27, 2013

Continual Education

Many believe that education ceases when one leaves school.  Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.  I am amazed at the number of people who do not pick up and read even a single book throughout the year.  Fortunately, this generalization does not apply to the average person who is involved with BDSM.  My take is that people who enter into this lifestyle are lifelong learners.  They seek more than what is commonly promoted.  Their ability to be open-minded about things make for a further reaching experience.  Closed-mindedness has a way of limiting one.  BDSM certainly removes certain societal limits.

Being The Best

Those who are the most success strive to attain a high level.  In other words, they want to be the best.  Take a professional athlete as an example.  Someone like Tiger Woods does not aim for 2nd place.  He wants to be the best in the world.  Obviously, he has tremendous talent and a huge start on someone just taking up the game of golf.  However, each week he competes against the very best players in the world for that sport.  Only the best will repeatedly come out on top.  You find this in all professional sports.

The same holds true for all endeavors in life.  No attorney goes into a courtroom looking to lose a case.  He or she is intent on proving the case to win the trial.  Accountants, salespeople, and engineers all have the same mindset.

So how does this pertain to BDSM?  BDSM, like any field is a study.  It is something that does not come naturally (yes submission and domination are natural).  The techniques and methods applied by those within the lifestyle are learned.  It takes practice, many times years for someone to become skilled in a certain area.  At the same time, there is an separate language used with acronyms different from other areas of life.  Even the term "BDSM" requires an understanding of each component.  Therefore, the novice to the lifestyle enters a great learning curve.

Which brings me up to those who are around the lifestyle a while.  BDSM is no different than life.  It is a continual learning process.  Nobody has all the answers.  There is never a stage reached where one can proclaim "I know all there is".  If you do encounter such a person, I would venture to say he or she is a bit full of it.  I know people in this lifestyle 40+ years who are still learning.  One thing about BDSM, just when you think you saw it all, something new crops up.

Each of us should strive to be the very best we can be.  For those who are into owning another (others), your challenge is to become the very best Master you can be.  On the flip side, the slave(s) need to concentrate on doing their very best.  Whatever area of focus and structure on takes with the relationship, continually striving to be more is paramount.

Basic Areas

There are a number of areas we can focus out attention upon.  I will touch upon a few.


This is the first thing we notice about a person and judging by what I come across, an overlooked area within the lifestyle.  It is no secret that the Western Cultures have an obesity problem.  This problem is carried over into the BDSM world which, in my opinion, is sad because we ought to hold ourselves (and each other) to a higher standard.  We broke free of the societal dogma yet so many fall prey in this area.

The simple truth is not everyone needs a supermodel body.  However, maintaining health and fitness is extremely important.  One can find a wealth of knowledge online with just a bit of research.  Believe me when I tell you losing weight is not complicated.  I will grant it is not easy but one can succeed if driven.  This past summer I lost 15 pounds in 12 days by going on a juice fast and have not put the weight back on.  Now this approach is not for everyone yet there are hundreds of other ways to go.  One central caveat I will tell you is that your weight is 90% determined by what you put in your mouth.

Why do I harp on this point?  To start it is a matter of attractiveness.  Yes I know people are much more than skin deep but let's be honest, we find people who are fit more attractive.  Also, there is the question of health.  It is well known that excessive weight causes many health issues such as diabetes, heart problems, and certain cancers.  Finally, we live in a lifestyle where certain activities (play) is physically demanding.  Do you want to be with a Master who is out of breath and tired 10 minutes into a scene?  I highly doubt it.


Covering this topic would require an entire book so I will keep it brief.  Whatever aspect of the lifestyle one chooses, there are certain techniques which are applicable.  "Learning your craft" is vitally important.  This is true whether you are into Gorean, watersports, electrical play, or fire play.  Even the structure such as M/s has a lot of different things to understand and comprehend.  Again, this endeavor will take you decades since there are more nuances than you initially think.  However, this is one of the wonderful aspects of BDSM....there is always something else around the corner.


I probably should have listed this first since this is the most important area.  This is an endeavor that should take place long before one enters BDSM.  In fact, I guess if you are here, this process already started.  Everything we deal with in the lifestyle starts with ourselves.  Anyone who is advanced understands this idea.  The emotionally and intellectually immature find this concept tough to grasp, instead adopting a victim mentality.  While there are times we are victimized, it is crucial to understand that how we process what occurred and move forward after the event is what separates the mature from the immature.

Also, when dealing with another, we are responsible for 50% of the interaction.  Even in a TPE situation, each person has 50% totality even though the power structure is not split.  He commands, she obeys.  It takes both sides to make the coin.  Ergo, it is crucial that each person delve within to understand him and herself.  I find that dominants are less likely to do this because they believe that they control another.  I am here to tell you that before one can dominate another, he must first dominate oneself.  To many overlook this simple point.

Seeking knowledge from within is an enlightening process.  Few pay attention to what makes them tick.  At all times, our psychological makeup is operating.  Whenever we encounter a situation, we have signals that are triggered within us.  This is something that most of us are completely unaware exist.  This is one of the reason why we keep repeating the same behavior even though the results were not less than desirable before.  Contained herein is also our likes and dislikes.  Uncovering what is operating at times is extremely helpful in our path towards growth.  This is something that is only discovered by going within.

I could go on with this list but this is enough to get you started.  Understand that by entering into BDSM you are embarking upon a lifelong journey.  Fortunately, with the Internet, there is a wealth of information available to you.  Be judicious in which sites you put a lot of stock in since much of what is out there is pure garbage.  However, it is worthwhile to sift through the misinformation to find the basis of our way of life.  In addition to blogs you will also find workshops, forums, and other training/educational venues which people in the lifestyle put on.  All this will help you become the best that you can be.


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