Society Is Uptight

This post comes from the perspective of an American. I know the views differ around the world. However, the overall consensus is that we are still extremely uptight about sex. This outlook carries over into any type of 'alternative' lifestyle. Anything that is different from the sexual norm is considered taboo.

Sexual Immaturity

I use the term immaturity because that is exactly how I view the perspective that society maintains. Overall, it is sage to say that we operate under a Judeo-Christian mindset. The religious institutions still maintain a great deal of power. Their influence extends into the bedroom with so many suffering from extreme guilt. Religions throughout the ages used sex to control the behaviors of the minions who are following. Consider this: if you can control what someone does in the privacy of their own homes, that is power. And these institutions exert tremendous power.

Few ever take the time to consider what they believe. They are 'Kool-Aid' drinkers to to the nth degree. The Pastor stated it so it must be true. That is their outlook. Religions historically engaged in extreme brainwashing starting at a young age. Hell, if we did that with BDSM and started indoctrinating children at the age of 5 or 6, we would be thrown in jail. But add in a religious element to change things completely.

Now, the point here is not to hammer religion which I could do for hours. My emphasis is to show how people are intolerant of anything outside their belief system. Sexual freedom is not something these people are high on. In fact, they are not lovers of freedom at all. Dogma is meant to do one thing: control. It is the most effective weapon on those who forgo their ability to think.

The bottom line is that sex has gotten a bad rap. It is amazing that something that is so pleasurable and necessary for the survival of the species was turned into an act that contains so much guilt. We see this in all aspects of society. Pornography is stigmatized and 'the work of the devil'. Nudity is considered taboo with people having to fight in court to be able to breast-feed in public (what is sicker than a society that will not allow a woman to feed an infant when needed?). Overall, people want to approach sex like it is a dirty family secret. Everyone knows it is there but few acknowledge it openly.

This outlook reminds me of the young teenager who gets his hands on his first 'girly' magazine. The immaturity level is astounding. To ignore something that is a basis of our life while turning it into a taboo is asinine. But that is exactly how society views it in general. Some are more open minded then others but, overall, vanilla monogamous sexual interludes within the confines of a committed relationship is what is expected. Anything outside of that norm is deviant and perverted.

BDSM

BDSM certainly falls into the category according to societal outlook. Those who enter this life with the urge to tell all about his/her decision quickly realize that open-mindedness is not a strong point of most people. I have seen many who had their families and friends turn away from them simply because of their choice to structure a relationship in a manner which differed from the norm. So much for that thing called 'unconditional love'.

I believe BDSM is a path that many find so as to be true to oneself. Society still believes in the myth of equality. However, many traveled that route only to find it lacking. Many of us do not want to live in a split power relationship. Whether one is submissive or dominant, I find that most 'true lifestyler' are simply being true to themselves. Their decisions are based upon what is correct for their cores. They do not develop this aspect of themselves but, rather, uncover it.

Nevertheless, once again, we see society telling us to go against what is natural. We are told that pursuing those feelings is wrong because to engage in that activity is a 'sin'. So people have a neurotic outlook regarding sex. At the same time, we are taught that there is one path to relationship happiness and that is the traditional one man and one woman. Forget everything outside of that. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and polyamorous relationships are all out. So, too is anything that deals with whips, chains, and paddles. This is not considered normal.

In conclusion, society is uptight about matters pertaining to sex. Remember this the next time you have the urge to tell someone of your alternative lifestyle. They will not be as accepting as you might think. Power exchange is not something that most are taught. Of course, and this is a final swipe at the world religions, what other organization has historically been as sexually biased towards woman and implemented a more rigid power breakdown? Hypocrisy is the word that comes to mind. But, again, that is a different subject altogether.

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Old Time Protocol

Things certainly changed over the years. The BDSM community once was an underground network of people who lived in secrecy. There was a time when the only "advertisement" this lifestyle received was an announcement of a munch in the local rag. People did not openly discuss power exchange relationships. The D/s and, certainly M/s, relationships were foreign to 99.9% of the population. Of course, the Internet changed this a great deal.

Protocol

There was a time when protocol amongst the members of the lifestyle meant something. Newer people were introduced to this way of life with a respect that was taught to them by others. People were human and interaction was friendly but that was not a sign of lackluster attitudes. Dominants were shown the proper respect by their position since it was known that all who were there (for the most part) earned it.

At the same time, people were also respective of the submissive types. Trolling was unheard of since everyone was expected to adhere to the policy of "not infringing on another person's turf". This was a commonsense practice that worked ideally for many years.

Again, we saw the Internet change this scenario. To start, many of the Dominants online are not worthy of any respect. They are pretenders to the nth degree. Their desire is to use and abuse in a way that is harmful. The part of the life where a submissive is taught to grow and expand is overlooked by these individuals. Instead, they are only interested in cheap sex or someone to pay their way. BDSM is a sex and money pit and that is it.

The respect that came with the old time protocol also disappeared. I will admit that I am guilty of slagging some people off online. However, I do this with reasonable assurance that they were not what they proclaimed to be. One only needs to spend a few months on a BDSM site to learn some of the tricks people use. Once you have them down, you notice them repeated over and over. Nevertheless, in general people do not show others in the life the same respect that once existed.

Society At Large

Many of the factors that I am mentioning are also prevalent among society at large. Respect is something that is disappearing with each new generation. Watch how people behave in your local supermarket. There was a time when people were considerate of others around them. People would often let someone with only a few items cut ahead of them to save that person time. No more. Now, you stand behind the person with two full baskets even if you only have 6 items. Common consideration is dead.

At the same time, people are losing interpersonal skills. Again, in the "olden " days, people had to talk to each other. Other than the telephone, communication was face-to-face. Meeting of people actually involved being in the same zip code as them. Munches were the primary vehicle where people within this lifestyle met each other. If you were new to a community, you tried to find a local munch to attend.

Again, we point to the Interact to notice a change. Today we "meet" people from all over the world without leaving our seat. Our interactions are virtual now. We get emotionally attached to characters on a screen. The connection carries a lot less meaning to many people.

At the same time, the idea of being respectful to others online is all but dead. The BDSM sites are full of people who would never dream of showing up at a munch. They utilize the anonymity of the Internet to involve themselves in a place where they otherwise would be too fearful. In addition, these same people also exhibit a great deal of cybercourage. There Internet muscles are strong. However, put these people in front of a real Dom and many of them would cower like little girls. They are disrespectful because it is so easy to do it.

In the end, our culture is changing. Is it good or bad? Who knows. The bottom line is that it is and we need to get use to it. There is no point in being a sourpuss while reflecting upon the good ole days. The world changes and BDSM is not exempt from that practice. Learning new skills are important to advance as society does. While there are drawbacks, technology and new eras open up a lot of opportunities. Be mindful of this the next time you want to put your first through your computer screen at some troller. They make the real people stand out that much more.

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Love, Intimacy, & Sex

This is not really a post that is isolated to the BDSM community. In fact, it is something that I am sharing that pertains more to the poly community. However, since many within this lifestyle find themselves faced with similar circumstances, I feel it beneficial for all.

Together Or Separate

Love, intimacy, and sex are three parts that exist within a relationship. We can experience any variety within a relationship or none at all. What is present is up to the individual and can actually differ between the two people. None are contingent upon any of the others although people will often claim they are. In the end, it all comes down to individual beliefs.

Love is a feeling that we have for another person. People will claim it comes in many different forms but I believe love is simply wanting the best for another without anything in return. True love is the accepting of a person exactly how they are. It is present regardless of the circumstances and comes without strings. This is something that one gives freely without being earned; it is unending.

Intimacy is the connection between two people at a particular moment. Unlike love, which is unending, intimacy is a closeness in time that comes from complete sharing with another. There could be a physical dimension to the experience although that is not always true.

Sex is a physical act between two people. That is it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. At the most basic level, it is the method we use to reproduce our species. Man, unlike other members of the Animal Kingdom, also engage in this activity for pleasure. One derives physical satisfaction from having sex (or at least really good sex).

Belief System

Our beliefs come into play in what we experience. Many seek to fulfill their needs by looking for these in a primary relationship. What they fail to realize is that they are available in many different relationships.

When we mention the word "love", most simply jump to the idea of a primary relationship. Certainly, love is a component of this relationship. However, there are many different people that we love. We have parents, children, aunts, uncles, and close friends. These are all individuals that we love unconditionally.

This is where the disagreement comes in regarding poly. Society wants to promote the idea of a monogamous relationship. However, as you can see, when it comes to love, everyone is poly. Of course, society answers by stating that romantic love is different. To me, this is an absurd idea. How can anyone place a cap on love? Is there only a certain amount you have for your spouse? If you run out, is it time for a divorce? I do not think so.

The polyamorous world uses the analogy of loving a child. If a parent loves his or her child completely, is that love diminished if another child is born? Does the first child have to share the love with the new sibling? Is the total love divided up equally between the two children? Any parent with multiple children knows this is not true. There is an unlimited amount of love to share with the children.

We see the same idea apply to those who are poly. They have an unlimited amount of love to share with their partners. Adding a second lover does not diminish the love for the first. What is diminished is the time one is able to spend with each person. This is because time is a finite commodity. Love is not. But then again, add a second child and the time factor is present there also.

Nevertheless, when it comes to our belief system, most of us were taught that "romantic" love is finite and designed to be shared with only one person. I challenge anyone to show me how love changes.

Love Meaning Intimacy

When people talk about love, they are often referring to intimacy. They allude to the connection felt with another (usually a romantic interlude) during a romantic moment. Often, this involves sex. This is where most feel they experience love.

The truth is that they were being intimate. This is a deep connection with another person felt at a particular time. Of course, there are many times we are intimate with people without being sexual. There are a few friends I have with whom I had deep, intimate moments with over the years without anything physical occurring. The complete and honest sharing created a level of intimacy between the two of us. Sometimes, I found these situations to be more emotionally charged than my romantic relationships. That is how powerful these moments can be.

Now, the question arises, did I love these people? The answer is yes. However, my love exists even when I am not with them. The same is true for a romantic relationship. A husband loves his wife even when they are not in the presence of each other. However, intimacy is experienced in the presence of another. It is an outpouring of the love between the two of you. To me, it is the intimacy of a relationship that really gets the juices flowing.

Where Does Sex Fit It?

This depends upon one's belief system and how he or she is conditioned to believe. Since, I feel that most people are unaware what they are experiencing, I think their beliefs are irrelevant anyway. Since few take the time to look in themselves, I believe they are blind to what occurs within them.

Sex is an individualistic activity. The meaning that we apply to it varies from person-to-person. Actually, many times, a person will alter how he or she feels about sex. For example, a pornstar might feel intimacy and love when having sex with a spouse but being physical when on set. Personally, sex is not when I really feel intimacy. Again, it is a physical act. What occurs afterwards in terms of the aftermath is where I feel intimacy.

Many are conditioned to believe that sex cannot occur without the intimacy and love. This is a belief that is not only wrong, it is impractical. Let us use the confines of marriage as an example. Does the sex within this institution always involved intimacy? Of course not. There are times when she gives in only to appease him. She is counting down the minutes, hoping he finishes soon. The act is nothing more than a physical way to get release. Yet this woman still loves her husband and does feel the intimacy with him at other times. However, it is impractical to think it will happen all the time.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist because people looked that the ideals society espouses and consciously determines that something different is needed. We all do not fit into the same mode. Looking at our views on love, intimacy, and sex, we realize that much negotiation is needed with ourselves and others. Whenever we are entering into a primary relationship, we need to consider how the other person feels about these things. Living life as we see fit is our personal responsibility.

I am one who is involved in a multitude of alternative lifestyles simultaneously. This means that I often encounter people who look at things differently than I do. There are so many who are open to some of what I am involved in but then flee when they find out the entire truth. This is the nature of my reality but a course that is right for me. I know that I have plenty of love in my life while sharing intimate moments with those who are not sexual partners. Also, sex is something that can make me closer to a person or an act that is for enjoyment and release. I do not feel the need to always place a great deal of importance on it.

Finally, my BDSM lifestyle sees me as a poly person. I believe in the unending nature of love. For that reason, I know that it is possible to have more than one. For this reason, I consider my polyamorous. I have experienced both "V" and "triad" situations. Nevertheless, conforming to one certain idea does not work for me. I seek fulfillment in many different relationships all of which add to my life. This might be contrary to society's views, but then again, it believes that one only experiences love, intimacy, and sex with the same person. This is a belief that I cannot buy into. I only hope you take the time to question your outlook in this area.

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The Online Charade

This is a post that some people will disagree with. However, I spent a lot of time on different sites over the last few years. This, coupled with my decade of experience in this BDSM lifestyle, gives me insight that most lack. Sharing this combined experience so as to give people an idea about what is going on is what my goal is. Please consider this before you decide these ideas foolhardy.

People who are online have every motivation under the sun. There are people who are seeking to just pass the time. Others are trying to learn about a particular topic or subject. Some want to get their rocks off while others looking for something meaningful. These various motives need to be considered when you are chatting with someone.

The Internet

The advent of the Internet changed the complexion of the BDSM lifestyle forever. Today, we are still an alternative lifestyle that is still not accepted by the mainstream. However, I believe that we have left the days where we were "underground". My feeling is the World Wide Web is responsible for this transformation. Individuals now have a place to turn to find out about what we are into. This is remarkably easier than the olden days when personally knowing someone was about the only way to gain insight.

Before going any further, I will categorically state my beliefs with this new medium. The Internet offers two advantages that anyone can put into practice to gain immediate benefit. First, like was just mentioned, the educational opportunities are limitless. Knowledge is much easier to come by since we have posted so much online. A new person can spend a few weeks reading blogs like this and gain an enormous amount of intelligence pertaining to this way of life. This is something that accelerated only because of the 'Net.

The second advantage is that the Internet allows you to find and interact with people who you normally would not be able to access. In the olden days, the odds of gaining insight from someone from the UK if you were in America was slim. In fact, unless one was in your local BDSM community, the odds were you never would encounter him or her. Interaction was relegated to only a few traditional channels. Again, the Web changed all that.

The Downside

As great as this advancement was for our community, it also offered up some downfalls that we see today. This downside, in my opinion, results in the infliction of pain on many who are unsuspecting. Warning people of these dangers is a top priority for me. Those who take exception to what I write can go spin on a bottle. The truth is people are being seriously hurt in many different ways.

To start, the Internet is a communication tool. It is a medium that allows you to connect with another person. However, it is not real. Those who believe what they experience is true needs to take a look at that. Too often, I see the results of people falling for the fairy tale that is presented.

As I mentioned, there are many different motivations for being online. To presume that someone is in a chat room or forum for the same reason as you is insane. They are not. The vast percentage of people are seeking something different than the one who is seriously looking to find a valid person. My estimates have that as high as 95%.

While many feel that having fun and interacting online is a great way to pass the time, I see those who take it too far. Getting emotionally attached to someone whom you do not have any other contact with is setting yourself up for a downfall. The Internet offers everyone anonymity. Many use this to pass themselves off as something they are not because of the fact that nobody can see them. Simply read a few blog posts and you have enough to pass yourself off as an expert. This is where those who believe what they have is real are in jeopardy of tremendous hurt.

The Charade

When it comes to BDSM, I can tell you that most of what is online is a complete charade. There are many who are proclaiming to be something they are not. That is the bottom line. While not discounting the medium, I will state that I do not believe that anyone who has an online relationship has anything more than a potential relationship. I will not say the person that is being interacted with is not real. However, I will say that further proof is needed.

I was reminded when chatting with someone who was relating to me her experiences with online Doms. She said that they were so ridiculous in what they were doing. This I can believe. She mentioned that one wanted her to not interact with any other Doms and be celibate to him. This might make sense in a real time relationship. Yet, this person was in a different country altogether. Fortunately, she was astute enough to realize the facade of this person.

This brings up another point. What is this sub agreed to his demands. Suppose she said that she would not be with anyone else. How is he to know? The answer is he can not. It reminds me of a post I read where one explained of a person she knew who took the collar of 13 Masters online. Obviously, this person is a fake but I can guarantee that at least 10 of those guys thought what they had was real. The proof is in the numbers.

Just because I proclaim myself an astronaut does not make it so. The same is true for BDSM. I suggest you look for the charade that people are playing. Even if they are earnest in their statements, the odds are that the experience and abilities lack. I came across so many who said they were slaves only to conclude they were not. I believe these people were truthful with their beliefs. However, they lacked the real world application to know that it wasnt true. It takes a great deal more than a belief to live as a 24/7 slave.

The Next Step

If you are dealing with someone who is true and real, congratulations. However, I would suggest that you rapidly more the relationship to the traditional level of interaction. Before doing that, I feel you are at the potential level. There might be something to build upon between the two of you. However, moving it offline is needed. Without that, you are just living an online fantasy.

How is this accomplished? Simple. Start to use the other forms of communication. That is your next step. I will caution to do this only after you are certain that it is safe to reveal some of your personal information. My tendency is to start phone interaction as soon as it is appropriate. Without talking to someone in real time, there is little to decipher. Lots will get lost in the online communication. Talking with someone allows you to uncover different things. If you feel hesitant to give out your phone number, then use the voice mechanism on something like Yahoo Messenger. This allows for real time interaction while protecting your identity.

After that, I would say most are capable of nurturing the relationship along. When you feel it right, perhaps arrange an in person meeting. This is naturally easier if you are in the same area. However, many travel to other towns, states, or countries for a weekend (week) visit. This will allow for the real time interaction to grow. It is at these points that you honestly know you are dealing with someone real. Then, the charade is over. Either one is what he or she proclaims, or is not. You will know definitively at this point. However, that will never happen as long as you remain engaged in the online game.

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Outting Oneself

I wrote a number of posts over the last few months relating to this topic. However, today someone posted some evidence on my social BDSM community which illustrates what happens when we advertise the lifestyle choices we make.

Before reading any further, check out his post here. It is rather short and wont take but a moment to read.

They Do Not Understand

Can you believe what you just read? I certainly can. This post shows how dangerous it is for one to mention the choice to live in the BDSM lifestyle. The simply fact is that most of society does not understand the options we select. In fact, they feel that we are mentally unstable and in need of psychiatric help. The BDSM way of life is a ticket to the loony bin according to the mainstream "experts".

Personally, I am one who believes all promoters of dogma belong in the nuthouse. This includes those same government pukes who want to judge us while taking our children away. Of course, we cannot forget those religious fanatics who are holier than thou. Tell that to all the children molested by those "pure" priests. Their hypocrisy is legendary. Nonetheless, sometimes it is best for us to keep our mouths shut.

I see so many who want to tell all what they are into. I understand how there are some who are so thirsty for recognition that they will do anything to garner the attention. Again, this is a mistake when it comes to BDSM. The general public does not understand. They simply see images of online of women (mostly) tied up and beaten. They consider this cruel and immoral. Never do they take the time to understand subspace or the fact that all we do is based upon consent. Instead they forge ahead with the prosecution.

Leave Family Out Of It

I have a simple suggestion: leave your family out of every detail of your BDSM lifestyle. It is none of their business. Resist the temptation to tell anyone what you are into. This is doubly true if you have small children. As the story illustrates, there are forces out there who will take them from you. Defy this fact at your own risk. Those who think it cannot or will not happen to them ought to consider her. Do you think she would ever imagine that she would be in a battle for her kids over her lifestyle practices? I surmise she did not. Yet that is exactly where she finds herself.

Kids have no place in this way of life. If they are living in the house with you, play elsewhere. Anyone who is 24/7 live-in has to use some sense of what is appropriate in front of the children and what is not. Act like the adult you are suppose to be. Sex is not something that people do in while their kids are awake. The same is true for bondage, paddling, and other BDSM games. It is the adults responsibility to shield the children from these practices until they are of age when they are going to be making choices regarding their sexuality.

As bad as I feel for this woman, I cannot say that it surprises me at all. I know that this is how we are treated by the mainstream. Anyone who is naive enough to believe things like this do not happen probably deserves whatever he or she gets. The warning signs are all over the place if you lack the commonsense to take matters into your own hands. If you still are missing them, I will spell it out again: Leave your family out of your BDSM lifestyle. Keep it private for the benefit of all involved. It is that simple.

If you are one who decides to advertise yourself all over the place: STOP! This means removing all specific references to family on adult sites. Take all your BDSM accessories and lock them in a safe place out of young prying eyes. Secure all photos of yourself and others in compromising positions (remember teenagers are more skilled at the computer than you so be careful). Approach your life as if it is a big secret. Failure to do so might find you in a similar position as this woman. I can guarantee that you do not want to try to explain the pleasure you receive from a whipping to a judge in front of your family. That has disaster spelled all over it.

Now, if you missed it everywhere else, your are WARNED.

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Attracting A Sub Online

I wrote this post on my social BDSM site and thought it appropriate to share with you all here. If you have comments, please click the link and comment on that page.

After reading the last few posts on here about the way many approach submissive types with the "I am Master hear me pout" routine, I figured I would relate my experience in getting the attention of another online.

To start, any sub/slave worth a crap need to know you have something to offer her (I will write from the male dominant perspective but applies equally in reverse). Just throwing your name with a capital and a loud bellowing do not cut it. You had better have something that she can latch onto in terms of things that you are able to do for her.

The best way to do this is to get involved with a site like this by posting your experience and ideas. This shows anyone who reads that you know what you are talking about (presumming that you do). Notice how I wrote the word 'experience'. Any fool can go cut and paste posts off a different website. A person who is looking wants to know that she is dealing with someone who has some idea what is actually going on.

I found that well written posts containing plenty of personal experience will draw attention of those who are seeking. There are many who visit a site like this but do not post. However, they do read...every single word. And they process all that is written. Putting yourself out there as someone who is knowledgable will get you noticed and contacted.

The next aspect is to be nice. The loud mouth assholes who are constantly being abrasive are not worthy of anyone's time. And they show themselves to be terrible dominants. This is because a true Dom is confident. One who is bellowing all the time is showing how he lack confidence and suffers from an inferiority complex. They need to intimidate to make themselves feel better.

I will give you an example. I once had a 'Master" in a chat room take exception that I didnt show him respect in front of the slaves in the room. He was getting quite upset because, from what I could tell, his entire worth was tied up in having these characters on a screen strung together to form words respect him. While he got angrier, I simply wrote that my respect is something earned and that, if he wanted it, he needed to show me he was worthy of it. Just saying he is a Master doesnt make it so.

***One side note here: In this case, he might have been a real Master; I had no way of knowing. However, I found that most Masters who live in real time do not get all caught up in having their position recognized. We know what we are when we wake up and when we go to bed. Having the 'respect' through online protocol is not necessary.

FInally, if you have no experience, be open about it. Tell people that you are here to learn. Read, comprehend, and process what is written. Keep posting to show your progession. We were all new once so that is no shame. There are many who are able to quickly become proficient by studying this lifestyle. However, a sub needs to know that you are moving forward and growing. Her trust will increase when she has that confidence. Showing yourself to be someone who is adept at learning is a helpful way to compensate for lack of experience.

BDSM centers around a relationship. When dealing with another, take the time to learn about her. What does she like and how does that compare to your beliefs. If you are a devote Muslim and she a Christian, there might be issues. Red Sox and Yankee fans tend not to get along with each other. Nor do Auburn and Alabama alumni. Sports enthusiasts can clash with artists. Dog lovers have issues with cat people. This is where basic human interaction comes into play. Approach her as a person and learn how she will fit into your life and vice versa. The submission/domination qualities will be revealed in your conversations.

In the future, if you get one of those stupid emails of "I am Master hear me show my insecurity", please reply with this link http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/pg/blog/dennisnajee/read/917410/how-to-garner-a-subs-interest-online

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Pushing Too Far

What is a sub/slave truly capable of? I believe finding out is one of the major responsibilities of a Dom/Master. It is important that a sub/slave be conditioned to continually grow. Without this, stagnation is the result. Life is meant to move in a forward direction. Those who try remain where they are ultimately end up going backwards. A Dom/Master needs to push one to move further.

Of course, one needs to be adept at this art. This is one of those things that is more "art than science". There are no written rules as to the best way to "push" a sub/slave. Each individual is different. Part of the process is to uncover that which will make him or her respond.

One area to look at is past experiences. Human nature dictates that we most often will bring past experiences into present situations. Memories do not just vanish. This is magnified when the past was emotionally charged. People who are victims of abuse, as an example, are subject to relive those experiences in his or her mind. Oftentimes, the impact is so severe that counseling is required.

I suggest that anyone who is afflicted with such situations seek the proper trained attention. Dom/Masters are many things. However, few are licensed therapists able to deal with many of the psychological circumstances that arise from such past traumas. Trying to push those issues aside will rarely prove effective. Help is often needed.

Anyone who is in control of another person's life bears a large responsibility. This is not something to take lightly. Moving a sub/slave forward in her growth process while maintaining the "gentle" touch so as not to produce harm is trying. Knowing when to pull back so as not to cause this damage is equally as difficult. Nevertheless, safety is always the highest priority.

The most important thing a Dom/Master can do is not to push one too far. Take into account past experiences and be mindful of when they may be reappearing. If something is mentioned as a Hard Limit, give that the proper thought and consideration. There certainly might be a valid reason as to why that limit exists. Hard Limits are perfectly acceptable when there is a worthwhile reason. Pulling back when you reach one is a way to ensure not pushing one too far. Overall, you will find more happiness if you can develop this art.

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Poly Lifestyle

Poly simply means more than one. This is the basic definition that so many refer to when talking about lifestyle choices. However, what does it mean when one says that he or she is "poly"? This is a loaded question that requires some further explanation.

To start, there is a difference between being poly in the sense of relationship and having play mates. Threesome fit the basic poly definition yet, as you will see, fails further scrutiny.

Polygamy is probably to most well known form of poly lifestyle. Made famous in the U.S. by the Mormons, this means means multiple marriages. Polygamists claim the right to have more than one spouse and living within multiple families. Obviously, there is a commitment level that extends past just the sexual. This is a lifestyle that is lifelong according to their beliefs.

Polysexual is another facet of poly that is used to describe one who has more than one sexual partner. Again, we are not referring to the weekend threesome or gangbang. Polysexual means that are involved sexually with more than one person at the same time (without referring to group sex). Just think of it as meaningful sex with a couple people that you see on a regular basis.

Polyamorous is the latest in the poly family. This means that one is emotionally involved with more than one person at a time. Most times, this involves expressing those feelings sexually. Under this lifestyle, there is that thing called "love". In other words, there is a deeper emotional connection with each person. Time is spent developing the each relationship towards a further end.

So which aspect is best? That is entirely up to the individuals. Like most lifestyle choices, the door is wide open. Many within the BDSM community are also poly. However, there is a major difference between being polyamorous and swinging. Swingers are into sexual play. A true poly is into having a relationship with the other people. This is where it seems to be agreed the difference comes in. One is based upon sex, the other emotions. Even polysexuals seek to have a bit deeper meaning to each of their sexual relations.

I term myself "poly" since I refuse to live a life where I am restricted to just one relationship. At the same time, I am also a swinger because I will periodically partake a swinger's party. Both are lifestyle choices that I am involved in but they are two separate genres. Just because one swings, that does not make him or her poly. As you can see, a bit more is contained other than just getting it on with a couple different people.

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Clarity

This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because "they drifted apart". Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master (written about here). This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the "honeymoon" period ends with a thud. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people's lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.

The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a "play session" for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly? Are you seeking to be a professional Dom/Domme or just something for private use? This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom/Master requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception.

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Direction

Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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Healthy Self Esteem

How important is it to have a healthy self esteem in the BDSM world?

This is a question that I have pondered for a while. I see many who seem to lack the basic belief in oneself, especially among the submissive types. This lifestyle evidently has a way of attracting those who are seeking to have others make them feel valuable. Perhaps this is why so many BDSM relationships end up failing.

As a Master, I can emphatically state that it is impossible for me to "totally carry another" in a relationship. Too often I have seen people who have absolutely no self-worth. These people are always a challenge to deal with. Without a basic belief in oneself, no relationship will ever be healthy.

Nothing frustrates me more than dealing with someone who is completely unbalanced. Emotional security within oneself is crucial. Too many seem to lack this basic component. That being said, they come to the BDSM lifestyle with the intention of solving their problems. Without a basic self-worth, is it any wonder all their relationships ended up in failure. BDSM is not the solution. This is just another bust added to the train wreck called life.

This is one of the reasons why we see so many enter/exit the lifestyle. They simply do not have the ability to make any relationship successful. Expecting someone else to magically wash all your problems away and make you feel good about yourself is an unrealistic expectation. This is true whether that person is called Master, Mistress, Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend.

A relationship involves two people. Both parties need to have a basic self-assurance to make it work. There is enough difficulty in meshing any two people together. When one is looking at the other to bear the complete burden for the emotional state of both parties, the path to breakup is being laid. This is something I witnessed countless times over the years.

If you are presently not in a relationship but looking into one, I would suggest you first consider where you are with your self esteem. Are you at a place where you have a healthy outlook about yourself? If you are one who is even willing to consider a question such as this, then you are further along than 95% of the population. Most will not even consider something of this magnitude. Nevertheless, a good self-worth is critical to the success in any relationship. BDSM is no different.

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Why This Lifestyle?

Why did you choose this way of life? Is this something that you actually asked yourself? Or did you just happen upon this way of life and figure it was for you? Whether you asked yourself this or not, there is a reason you chose this way of life.

As I travel around the web, interacting with different people, I find that many are in this way of life for reasons other than their free choice. Usually, people are trying to compensate for something that was missing in their life previously. This is a valid reason if they were proactive in trying to alter things. However, most are simply replicating previous mistakes.

I believe the most basic reason why many submissive types choose this way of life is because they are seeking someone to take care of them. Throughout their lives, every relationship was a train wreck. This could be from parents to spouses to siblings to children. Whatever the relationship, it always ended in catastrophe.

This is where the person encounters the BDSM world. All of a sudden, the idea of being taken care of is inherent in the lifestyle. Initially, much of the appeal is from the fact that the Dom/Master is responsible and our submissive type is only to follow orders. This is so attractive to someone who spent time unsuccessfully traveling from relationship-to-relationship. A pseudo-parent is established.

So, are you looking for a parent to take care of you? If this is your reasoning, you might be disappointed in your BDSM endeavors. While we operate from a place where there is a clear line of power, we still are involved in relationships. People need to interact in a mature way.

Therefore, it is important to ask why are you in this way of life? What is it that you are seeking to find? Is this the only way for you to fill what is missing? Or, are you trying to make up for failures in other aspects of your life? It is time to get honest.

Success in any relationship requires a certain degree of maturity. One of the advantages of childhood is that one is not responsible for a great deal. Perhaps our greatest challenge is to figure out ways to avoid boredom. The big stuff like bills, clothing, and groceries are taken care of. Who wouldn't want that way of life? However, part of the process is growing up. Unfortunately, many who are attracted to BDSM missed this simple fact. They are chasing after something for all the wrong reasons. In the end, more heartache results.

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The Danger Of Blind Obedience

I was in a chat room the other day and witnessed something that I saw many times before. There was myself and a sub in the room when another "Dom" entered. He proceeded to chat with the sub telling her how she should behave and what a sub is suppose to do. It was interesting because I never once saw him present himself as worthy of being a Dom. Again, just because he says he is one, does it make it so? If that is the case, then I am an astronaut.

This is an example of how blind obedience can be dangerous. Now, I am not saying this person was not a real Dom nor that he lacks the ability to control. I have no way of knowing. The point is that if a sub follows blindly in a situation like this, he or she might end up getting hurt. Sadly, this is something that I see all too often.

Many would feel that nobody would follow an individual of this nature without knowing anything about him. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Many will "submit" at the drop of a hat. They are so desperate to find someone to "own" them, that they go for anyone who claims to be dominant. This is occurring everyday in chat rooms all over the place.

My regular readers know that safety is of the highest concern. I promote this every chance I can. One needs to be willing to look out for his or her safety regardless of whether a Dom or a sub. Certainly, the onus should fall to the Dom. However, many do not take that seriously. This is why a sub needs to be attentive to what is transpiring and say "no" if he or she is put in jeopardy.

Obedience is a fundamental premise of this lifestyle. Nevertheless, there is a line to anything that involves consent. Disobeying because you do not like the idea of something is inappropriate. However, if you (or your children) are put in danger, then it is time to stop the proceedings. Blind obedience can be fatal.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are chatting with someone.

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Master-slave love?

There was a thread on the An Owned Life social site that dealt with love and the M/s relationship. This is an interesting topic since there are so many degrees of love that we encounter. Within this lifestyle, we see no concrete answer either. People experience different things. The interaction between two people is personal.

Love is found in many relationships that we have. That being said, we know that "not all love is created equal". For example, we love our children, parents, spouses, friends, and other relatives. However, the "love" we feel is different. Nobody can claim the love for a spouse is the same as one feels for a parent. While they are both love, they vary in depth and degree.

Naturally, one is not better than the other. A love for our parents is an amazing experience. So are the feelings we have for our true lifelong partner. Some might try to classify each type but in the end, it is still love.

In M/s, we see all kinds of relationships formed within the lifestyle. Perhaps most common is the one which has a traditional component in that there are two people involved. These two are in a feeling-based relationship built upon love; it might be a marriage or something similar. Either way, the relationship is primarily built around that love. In this situation, the BDSM component is added to further enhance their relationship.

Then there are those relationships that seem to lack the "love" component. Whereas the situation before contained the romantic love component, many BDSM relationships aren't this way. Instead, there is an interaction which seems "feelingless" from the outside. This is not the case. There are many who have a type of love which is not the toe-curling, take-your-breathe-away. Rather, this resembles more the love has for a family member. It is there and both people know it yet cannot be put into words.

Is one better than the other? Only you can be the judge of that for yourself. Each person is responsible for defining and creating one's own relationship. There are many personality types out there and not all will fit into what you are seeking. It is important to find the type of "lover" you require. Not everyone is into deep, romantic relations. Nor is everyone cold and standoffish. People have a wealth of experience based upon upbringing that makes them the person they are today. Compatibility is something that everyone should prospect for. In the end, it is a vital component.

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Trust In A Sub/Slave

I often see people referring to the importance of trust and how it is crucial that a Dom/Master earn that before one submits. This is something that I obviously agree with. People who blindly throw their trust around are, at best, foolish and, at worst, putting themselves in a dangerous situation. Since the trust aspect of a Dom/Master is well chronicled, I will not delve into it here.

The topic that I do want to comment upon is the trust that a sub/slave needs to earn from the Dom/Master. This is a subject rarely broached online yet seems to be of utmost importance. For whatever reason, since the online world promotes submission as a "gift", it believes that a sub/slave's perspective is what matter. This is something that I disagree with. The reality of the situation is not exactly what it seems.

To start, there appears to be few "Masters" out there. While the chatrooms are full of people claiming to be them, this is not the case. Few have ever ventured into real time. From my perspective, there seems to be a lot more submissive types than dominant. The numbers in the rooms also reflects this. Thus, online is overrun with "slavies" while being bare on "Masters".

Another issue that I have uncovered is the fact that so few truly have what it takes to live this lifestyle. Trust is an important factor that must be earned. This takes time. It is also a fragile commodity which can be broken rather quickly. Just look at Tiger Woods and his relationship to understand how hard it is to maintain that balance. He torched that bridge with little prospect of rebuilding. The same is true in our way of life.

I find that trust is lost each time I am disobeyed. A true slave will do everything in her power to fulfill my requests. There are times when certain actions cannot be taken for various reasons. When this is legitimate, trust is maintained. However, when manipulation, laziness, defiance, or anything else of that nature enters, the trust level is send sinking.

Many seem to think that one having the desire to submit is all that is required and that a Dom/Master should be in nirvana that she chose him. To me, this is only the starting point. Every aspect of BDSM centers around a relationship of some type. M/s (D/s) are no exception. Many of the same relationship building traits exist. Trust is a long-term endeavor.

So, is a sub/slave worthy of your trust? This is the million dollar question. Will she obey and complete the directives given to her? Is she one who will spend the proper time in reflection and learning to ensure her growth over the long-term? Does this lifestyle appeal to her because she wants to shed responsibility onto someone else because she cannot handle life? And, is she one who really understands what submission is about and that this life has very little to do with sex? Those who buy into the online fallacies are apt to struggle. This will also create major trust issues in your relationship.

Anyone who is seeking a Dom/Master needs to look at his or her ability to earn trust. Believe me when I tell you that someone who is real is seeking a person he or she can have that faith in. Obviously, a submissive needs to be sure the potential Dom or Master is real. But after that, you will see that person is looking for signs that you are worthy. It is a two way street and in true BDSM, the power resides with the other person. Keep this in mind as you are out that interacting with others.

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Being True

"To thy own self be true"

This is one of Shakespeare's most famous line. It is echoed in many corners of society by anyone who is willing to indulged in personal development. This is also something that I feel is really important if one is to be happy in the BDSM way of life.

One who enters BDSM must do so for the right reasons. At the same time, I feel it extremely crucial that one commit to the lifestyle before getting involved with any one person. The reason for this is because many will exit the lifestyle when the relationship with a particular individual goes bad. This is same as abandoning heterosexuality simply because a marriage ends. Simply because a particular relationship fails to work out does not mean that one is not cut out for this way of life.

Even today, I still find myself in situations where the temptation to be swayed is great. This is where knowing myself and the path that I have chosen comes in. When I am true to myself, I am able to make those decisions that are right for me. Difficult decisions are never easy but they do avoid many headaches down the road. This is especially true where emotions are involved.

BDSM is a multi-faceted lifestyle. One needs to understand what it is that he or she is interested in. Just because someone decides that domination or submission is for them, that does not mean that person knows where he or she is best suited. This takes time and searching. Those who fail to do this end up frustrated and hurt. In the end, their impatience and unwillingness to do the personal work caused the results.

Being true to yourself involved committing to the lifestyle while determining what is best for you. There is a great temptation to live as something we are not. Some of suited to be slaves; others Doms; and others switches. Regardless, it is up to each of us to find exactly what works best for us.

The bottom line is always the personal happiness of an individual. Trying to mold yourself into something that you are not will never work. Some are interested in BDSM only to find out they are better suited for the traditional arena. At the same time, many of us found that we were not cut out for the vanilla world and BDSM is better for us. Knowing oneself is imperative to reach these conclusions.

My experience is that no matter how long one or committed one is to the lifestyle, there will always be forces that will try to draw us away. I have personally experienced this a number of times. There might be family who wants us to lead a different life. Or it might be that person we meet who has an interest in us. Or, perhaps we are swayed by something we read stimulates the romanticizing in our minds. Whatever the reason, we need to determine what our truth is. Only then can we make a decision that is consistent with ourselves.

Sometimes we are confronted with the idea of having to be committed to this "come hell or high water". Nobody ever said it would be easy.

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Contracts

I read many posts in my travels dealing with contracts for the BDSM lifestyle; specifically the M/s section. Many seem to feel this takes their experience in the lifestyle to another level. Unfortunately, they fail to think of the ramifications of what this means.

They say the best time to plan a divorce is on the honeymoon. This sounds insane but few ever consider what will happen when a relationship ends. Most believe that their present relationship will carry on forever. However, we all know, based upon the divorce statistics, that more than half end in divorce.

A written contract seems like a valid way to further enhance the M/s experience. Nevertheless, it is something that I recommend against. It is crucial to think of how things can turn out if they do go awry.

To start, it is illegal in the United States and Europe to "enslave" someone. We live a life that is consensual in nature. It is impossible to bind someone into something that is illegal to begin with. Therefore, a contract means nothing in that regard.

On the flip side, this contract could be entered into court as evidence of abuse. In fact, there are a number of cases which this is what happened. A couple ended up in divorce court and the "Contract" was entered as evidence against the husband. Needless to say the court was not understanding about the lifestyle. I cannot say for certain, but I am sure that the authorities might take a further look to see if charges are warranted. Neither of these situations is endearing.

The submission that exists in this lifestyle is consensual. We operate a life within the spirit of our actions. There is nothing legally binding about the way we live. Anyone is free to leave at anytime. Slavery is illegal. Period. However, there is a certain spirit that we live by. Those who break it, in my mind, are not worthy of being in this way of life. We have an agreed upon structure and expect those involved to maintain it.

Therefore, no contract is required. My opinion is nothing good can come from writing anything down. Even if things seem rosy now, consider what will happen if a hotshot divorce attorney gets hold of that. You will be raked over the coals. The upside of a contract is limited and the downside infinite.

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Safe Words

Much is written about the use of safe words. There are many different ways to approach this aspect of the lifestyle. I believe the particulars that are used are less important than the fact that they are implemented.

I feel that it is crucial to use safe words except in the most familiar situations. This is true whether one is referring to D/s or M/s. Unless there is a great deal of knowledge between the two individuals, safe words will prevent any unexpected "surprises".

My philosophy is that a safe word is necessary in every new relationship. Trust is important. However, it can be misplaced when people are new. It is impossible to truly know one's level of experience until you "see them in action". While one might claim to be a rope or electric play expert, don't bet your future on his or her words. A safe word allows you to back off if the scene gets too intense.

M/s is a bit different in that the relationship often covers a larger spectrum. Nevertheless, the same premise holds true. A safe word is vital until there is enough knowledge about each other. Trust really has nothing to do with this situation. Even if you trust the person, it might not be warranted in the area of extreme play.

BDSM is a fun lifestyle. However, there are instances where lives are ruined because someone failed to take the necessary precautions to ensure a safe time. A safe word is one of the basic tenets we operate with to ensure the safety and enjoyment of all involved. It is like a condom, while not the most enjoyable thing in the world it will protect you from all kinds of fungi. Cover yourself with a safe word.

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Being Thin-Skinned

The world is full of critics. This is a fact of life. Any one who has ever written anything original knows there are people out there who are just waiting to tear it down. Again, this is a fact of life that has not changed throughout history.

That being said, it amazes me how thin-skinned people are online. As I make my way around the World Wide Web, I quickly see how people are offended by what others write. It is baffling how anyone can get upset over a bunch of characters on a screen. Nevertheless, this happens on a daily basis.

My view on this is that most lack the esteem to be in the limelight. The Internet has allowed anyone to express their ideas in writing. Blogger, Wordpress, and others make it easy for anyone to become a "journalist" for free. However, just because one is able to express ideas does not mean that person is suited to be a blogger.

The same concept hold for online forums. Many will take offense when someone disagrees with them. This is asinine. Yet people do it and get defensive about their ideas. In the end, you get the chatroom "catfights" that make most logical people want to vomit.

Self esteem is something that I have regardless of what others think about me. There are many who like what I write while some detest it. Regardless of the outlook people have, I do not alter my style to suit them. Whatever their viewpoint, my esteem is not tied to it. That allows me the luxury of not having to defend myself against what they are saying.

Can you imagine the criticism that Bill O'Reilly, Katie Couric, and any President goes through? Unless you are a public figure yourself, it is hard to imagine. Nevertheless, we get a taste of it each time someone takes exception to what we write. The desire to defend ourselves is natural. However, I believe it is also childish and immature.

I believe you can tell the maturity level of one online by how they post. Anyone who engages in the "catfight" behavior with someone in a chatroom or forum is acting like a kid. So what if someone disagrees with you. That is life. In this country, at least for now, it is people's right to disagree. It is insane to expect everyone to agree with you all of the time.

The final point I want to make about this is how people tend to personalize what is written. I had more than a few contact me in an upset fashion because I wrote a post about them. The ironic thing is that all of them were referring to the same post. Now, how is it possible that I was writing about 4 different people at the same time? It is not. The fact is that my writing style tends to be general in nature which offers a big opening for one to interpret the themes to be about them. General human tendencies will fit us all in some manner.

At the end of the day, it is best to be thick-skinned about what is written online. There are going to be a variety of opinions offered on any topic. Even those who tend to get personal are revealing more about themselves than you. This is an important consideration. I resist lashing out at my critics because they are not worth my effort. My belief is they are worthy of nothing if they have nothing better to do than to bash me. If they think they can do better, let them. This is the attitude I have.

Those who read this blog regularly know where I stand on most issues. I share my experience with others so they can avoid some of the pitfalls that befell me. Those who want to claim that I am not real can maintain that opinion. My efforts are not done to convince anyone of my worthiness. I have that already based upon my personal experience with the lifestyle. Anyone who has a contrary viewpoint is free to move along. I will continue living my life regardless of what they think.

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The BDSM Mindset

A central part of this lifestyle is the separation of power. Whether one is in a D/s or a M/s relationship, the simple fact is that the basic foundation is the exchange of power. It is what separates this type of life from the traditional.

This brings up the mindset that is required for success. Sadly, as I travel around the different chat rooms I frequent, I notice an absence of the mindset that is required for success. It seems many are actually seeking an equal placement within the relationship.

The bottom line is that the dominant person is to lead in the relationship. This entails a great deal of responsibility and should not be taken lightly. In many ways, it carries a similar connotation to that of a parent. Whenever the life of someone else is in your hands, it carries a severe amount of responsibility that should not be taken lightly. This exceeds for more areas than just having a sex toy available to you. Those who cannot undertake this in the proper manner are better suited for something else.

We see the same idea on the submissive side. Many do not develop the mindset of submission. Society promotes equality on every level. Unfortunately, this conditioning is counterproductive in the BDSM world. We establish our lifestyle based upon inequality. There are those who want to control and those who want to be controlled. The meshing of these two outlooks are what allows for success.

Trouble arises when one wants to assert him or herself in ways contrary to this ideal. Also, there are times when one is simply unable to handle the separation of power. Psychological strength, especially on the part of the submissive one, is crucial. Often, a dominant one will want to emphasize the separation of power via erotic humiliation (I wrote a book about this subject found here). A true self worth is crucial if one is to emotionally deal with what is occurring. Again, this start in the mind with one's self image.

BDSM is a wonderful way of life. However, nobody who has lived a day in real time will ever tell you that it is easy. We encounter all the challenges that the rest of society deals with. At the end of the day, our relationships require work and attention. Anyone who believes this is an easy path is starting off with the wrong outlook. There are no free rides here.

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