December 26, 2010

Societal Lies: Domination

BDSM involves power exchange relationships of some type. This is the essence of the Domination/Submission part of the acronym BDSM. However, these are two qualities that society doesn't necessarily promote.

Domination-Not Overtly

Society seems to preach domination. It talks about being in control and taking charge. In the business world, we are taught to forge ahead while making the company more profitable. The wealthy are glamorized on television and in magazines. We follow the lives of Lindsey Lohan, Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, etc... This is a part of Americana that we cherish.

However, society actually degrades these people in a not so overt manner. We are taught that the rich take advantage of people and the wealthy are mean and arrogant. People like Donald Trump are equally pounded for having an oversized ego as for the deals he puts together.

At the same time, the male species was 'wussified' by the ever evolving sentimental mindset. Aggressive behavior is no longer an admired trait but one that gets a person entered into counseling. Men were taught to be sensitive; that it is okay to cry. They were taught to get in tough with their 'feminine' side so as to be mindful of feelings. The hard, coarse Marlboro Man was replaced with the Metrosexual.

In short, society is promoting its equality concept. A strong man being in charge is underhandedly slapped down. The elite write papers and books describing how destructive the animal instinct is in mankind. One who acts in an authoritative manner is found to be mean and insensitive. At the same time women were shown how to assert themselves more. It's no longer a 'man's' world. Instead, the battle of the sexes forged a new interaction with each genders roles changing.


Most Masters/Doms do not have what it takes to control and dominate. The natural instinct that was within each of these individual's was stamped out of them by society. Few are skilled at the art of making decisions, providing leadership, and taking control in risky situations. Instead, most excel at the fine art of procrastination, indecision, and indifference. This makes one a good slave in society's eyes (its goal) but an awful person to be in charge of a D/s relationship.

Those who succeed in power exchange relationships do not buy into the lies of society. One needs to know in his heart that it is perfectly acceptable to choose a life of domination. Since that is what is within one naturally, it is an easy transition to make...if one is willing to engage in the proper mindset. And that is where most fall down.

Domination is not something that can be faked. A submissive who is seeking someone to assume control will not submit to one who lacks the skills to uphold her. While some will impress a new one in the immediate term, the truth is that long term domination requires the skills I mentioned previously. Self discipline, another factor rarely talked about in the victimization world, is another component that will enable one to follow. However, as can be guessed, most lack this ability which negates their domination.

Masters/Doms need to continually have the mindset of excellence. The idea that one is moving towards elite status is what separates him from the masses. And separation from all the other noise is required to get (and keep) the attention of a true submissive. Excellence should always be on the mind of a dominant one. He is not one to settle. Everything around him is subject to his control. This is contrary to what society promotes but is basic for success in the D/s world.

So once again, excelling in the BDSM world requires one to shed the mindset that society promotes and not buy into its lies. Domination is just example of how many are ill prepared to live this lifestyle. It necessitates a total transformation in one's thinking.

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December 20, 2010


This is a tactic that is universal across the online spectrum and used as a means to control a sub/slave by one who is otherwise unable to do so.

Isolating a sub/slave is a tactic the pretenders use consistently in an effort to keep their lies and misinformation alive. The truth is these people prey upon newcomers in an effort to get what they want. At a minimum they are a maximum they are dangerous. Do not allow yourself to be placed in a situation like this.

Fear of Someone Taking Her

Often the reason for this tactic (cited) is because there are so many trollers who will hit upon her that I need to protect her from them (yeah and who is protecting her from you). Of course, what our virtuous doesnt realize is that she somehow managed to navigate things before he came into the picture. The truth is that a person of this ilk is actually insecure and afraid someone real will steal her away. This is the pretenders worst nightmare.

Lies are an interesting concept to analyze. As we weave them, they get deeper and more complex. Remembering them is difficult. Thus, the best way to maintain the deception is to isolate one from any source of knowledge. Mankind has done this for centuries. Ever noticed how the illiterate are ones who tend to be further behind everyone else ? Reading was/is a method that allows one to prevent another from seeking knowledge. Isolation is another method.

The truth is that no real dom is concerned about a sub being taken. If one's relationship is real, there is no reason to go to this length. I have a live in slave who is allowed to speak with whomever she chooses in open forums. Does this bother me or make me think that she will suddenly be swept away by someone else? Of course not. Nobody is going to succeed in that area as long as I maintain my domination and control in the proper manner. This is what a dominant does.

Our fearful, albeit virtuous dom doesnt have this confidence. The reason is because he knows deep down he is a farce. In other words, he has nothing real to offer. Over the years I saw so many of these dimwits it makes my head spin. Yet they all do the same thing. Isolation is a practice that is not done for the protection of the sub/slave but, rather, for the lies and deception of the pretender.


Anyone who agrees to this is a complete fool. People who think like this are dangerous. The BDSM world is wrought with peril simply because of the lifestyle we lead. Many of the activities that we are involved in require specialized knowledge. There are many things which need to be done only with expert supervision. A new person trying these things out is downright horrific. Tragedy can strike at any time.

The online world is wrought with scams, lies, and deception. It is the nature of this medium since anonymity is so easy to maintain. I cannot tell you how many people I interacted with who mentioned the idea of moving themselves (and kids) to a Master they knew nothing about. When questioned, the response is often 'Master doesnt take questions from slaves'. Hello. Get the hell out then. How can any sane person expect to formulate a relationship in such a manner?

Knowledge is key. People come to this lifestyle knowing very little about it. There are many preconceived ideas most of which are wrong. Then, our sweet little subbie compounds the issue by getting involved with someone in under 2 weeks. Hence we have a naive mind able to be coaxed by the pretenders. There are a number of sites which are full of kiddie doms and comic book masters. They pounce on every new person as soon as the profile goes up.

When dealing with these fools, the best thing that can happen is for some emotional trauma to take place. Many get suckered into believing what they have is 'real' when it is nothing more than misleading lies. Ultimately, in many instances, since these people were playing online games, the person is crushed to realize he or she was taken. However, if that is the extent of the damage, then all is well. Sadly, this isnt always the case.

Meeting one of these people in person ups the stakes considerably. This is where the real danger comes in. Unfortunately, since our person is new and extremely naive (in addition to being woefully in love), she wasnt aware of the proper means to protect herself. Hence she is at the mercy of someone who might not have her best interest at heart.

Without going any further down that path, I will state the best way to protect yourself is to avoid this situation totally. If you are talking to someone and he tells you that you are not to talk to other Doms/Masters, tell him to screw off. I mean it. Run for the hills. Get out of Dodge. Move on Batman. Forget all the feelings you have and the 'need' to serve him. This is a person who is not worthy nor capable of taking your submission. I can promise you, the odds are not in your favor. Pretender tactic 101 is a sure sign that this is a person to avoid. In the long run, you will save yourself a lot of heartache and perhaps a lot more. DO NOT TAKE THESE WORDS LIGHTLY.

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December 14, 2010

Society's Lies

Society is totally and completely full of shit. Everything you were taught is most likely a lie. All your training was done to simply make you a non-consensual slave. This is the plight that the masses suffer. Few, in a 'civilized' society amount to much more than that. The land of the free is an illusion for children.

It Doesn't Work

Why do I make these harsh statements? Simply because they are true. And the reason why I can state this so emphatically is because what society teaches does not work for the majority of the people. The general populous is chasing a pipedream which, if achieved, is untrue.

Think about some of the lessons you heard. Try this one on for size:

Go to school, get a good job, meet the right girl, get married, and live happily ever after.

Okay, where do I start with this mess. In the United States, at this moment, unemployment is hovering around 10% (officially-the unofficial number is really closer to 18%). That means there are a whole lot of people who went to school who are having trouble getting a good job. Thus, happily ever after is going to have to wait a while.

At the same time, we know the divorce rate is close to 60%. That means 6 in 10 marriages fail. While I will grant there are many 'repeat offenders' who can skew the numbers, there are also ones such as myself who never married. Ergo, we have another piece of the equation that is out the window. Getting married is not necessarily the path to happiness.

Madison Avenue

Of course, the above is just one example of how we are misled. Look at the propaganda put forth by Madison Avenue. Almost every commercial simply lies to you in some form. The basic tenet of most ads is that 'you need this product'. Well, I can emphatically tell you that you do not. The truth is that you will be okay even if you do not have that exotic automobile. You can get laid without spending huge sums on designer perfumes and cologne. Whatever they are selling you do not need.

The reason why they are effective is because people lack the esteem to make their own choices. Here is where we also see society's lies in action. What percentage of the population has a high enough level of esteem to be able to make choices for themselves? I would say a very small percentage. Most follow like blind seals; rarely questioning anything. The advertisers, religious zealots, and political figures all use this to their advantage. They know the masses are asleep.

Your Life

One of the grandest lies is that you exist for someone else (unless you choose that route). This outlook is deemed selfish by society which is a sure sign of conditioning. The fact is that your life is yours. You are free to spend your time on this planet as you see fit. If there is a particular path that you would like to follow, it is up to you to do that. However, those who supposedly love us will cast their judging eyes upon us. This is something that only a few can tolerate.

Our society is made up of a bunch of 'people pleasers'. It is a conglomerate of weak people who are lead around by those with the foresight and power to take control. Thoreau was correct in his assessment that most live 'lives of quiet desperation'. The need to be liked, fit in, or feel love is so great that we will do anything to please those around us. We lose the ability to say 'no' to the whims of others which means we are saying 'no' to life. Whenever our choices are unknowingly made in this manner, then we are slaves. This is not something that is consciously known, thus, being non-consent. History shows this is nothing new.

The Awakened Are Free

Those who wake up to the lies are free to live. The other day I wrote a post that dealt with the freedom of bdsm. Those who consciously choose the BDSM lifestyle are free for a simply reason: they broke from the mindset that society implemented and forged a direction based upon a decision they made. These people are no longer asleep.

BDSM is about truth. It is a way of life that allows one to select something that is not in the mainstream but will provide the happiness and fulfillment (an often overlooked quality in life) that many are seeking. Is this a path for everyone? Certainly not. However, for those who find they do not fit into the general equation that society presents, perhaps this is something to pursue.

I found that BDSM is not about living a lie but about living. It starts with respecting the concept that one is free to choose how her or she opts to structure life. While many will cast a negative opinion about one serving in the capacity of a slave, the fact is that if this is what makes one whole inside, then it is a perfectly acceptable choice. When one wants to live in such a manner, who are we to try and deter that person.

Individuals awaken before the masses. Throughout history we see individuals who took a stand against the mainstream mindset. Rosa Parks is one who comes to mind. Society is the one that planted bigoted beliefs in people's minds. Generations were taught to hate coloreds. They were also show how homosexuality was despicable. And, today, we see the same powers show their followers how 'infidels' need to be eliminated. Dogma can come from anywhere and blind adherence is, historically, the path to slavery.

Remember all the lies society told throughout the ages the next time you are confronted with an implanted belief. The odds are that it doesnt work in your life. Awaken and choose your own path.

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December 5, 2010

Domination: Not Something You Fake

What does it mean to be dominant? We often hear this term but have you ever considered what it really means? How does one recognize domination? What are the qualities? Many of these questions cannot be answered yet we all understand what is meant by the term. And, we also can identify it when we see it.

Taking The Lead

In its simplest form, being dominant means 'taking the lead'. This is a phrase that will encompass all behavior of a dominant on. That person will not wait for approval or direction. Instead, the person chooses the path which he or she will follow. When you couple this with another when involved in a BDSM relationship, the result is the path both individuals will follow.

One component that is critical in this scenario is the ability to make a decision. You would be surprised how many people cannot do this. Instead, they excel at the art of 'waffling'. Whenever a person of this ilk is confronted with a choice, he or she hesitates to decide. Fear of making the wrong decision is the usual motivator in this situation. Of course, by not making a decision, one is actually making it. No decision is a decision.

Therefore, for one to be dominant, he or she must be decisive. Decisions need to be made quickly and with conviction. Personal development experts claim that the best leaders make their decisions quickly and are slow to change them. This means once they decide, it is full tilt forward. Confidence in oneself is imperative. While the fact is that bad decisions are made by everyone, a leader takes into account that he or she will be right more often than not.

Faking It

Many try to fake this part of the process. As opposed to making a decision, many newer people will waffle. This is a sure sign that someone isn't quite skilled as a dominant. Anyone who enters this lifestyle while suffering the perilous trait of mental inertia is doomed to fail as a dominant. The responsibility will ultimately crush a person like this.

The only way to better oneself is to practice making decisions. Procrastination needs to be recognized as the enemy. Those who major in that characteristics also champion the idea of nothing. They will not make a decision to save their life. Instead of choosing this route, opt to decide on every matter before you quickly. Here is where we develop the ability to live decisively.

A submissive type is looking for someone with the qualities that he or she is seeking. Decisiveness is one of those that almost all need to witness. This is how a dominant can built trust. Deciding quickly and emphatically will enlarge a submissive's view. He or she will follow behind when that decisiveness is proven to be a consistent quality. Whenever a dominant one is lacking this, the submissive is left with nothing to do but wait. He or she is there to follow. Without direction, there is stagnation for both.

Newer people try to fake this. Certainly, it is helpful to make decisions immediately when dealing with a new relationship. However, this is something that needs to continue over time. As mentioned, often people are in the habit of being inert. Society doesnt promote decisiveness as a trait for people to develop. The net result is most fail in this endeavor from a lack of effort. Now, when one attempts to fake it, he or she will soon realize the ability is not there. Inconsistency is another sign that someone is not what is proclaimed.

Resolve today to be decisive in all that you do. Whenever you are confronted with a decision, make it. Here is an exercise I often do when I find that I allow inertia to creep into my life. Take out a piece of paper and write down the next 5 things you are going to do. Thing about it for a few seconds then write the items down. Next, go complete those items. This little exercise will help you with you decision-making ability. Do it and do not second guess what is on the paper. Simply resolve to get it done. This is decisive behavior, a skill that your BDSM relationship depends upon.

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November 27, 2010

The Freedom of BDSM

I asked everyone on my social site what attracted them to this way of life. Since the question was recently posed, I do not have great detail of the answers. However, I can express to you exactly what it was that drew me to it. In a word, it is FREEDOM. BDSM, in my opinion, is one of the few lifestyles that is built upon freedom. Those who seek this out as a high value cannot help but be attracted to this way of life.

Enslaving the Minions

Society is a terrific jailer and the masses are its captives. People simply do not have the ability to create their own beliefs. Instead, we are told what to believe and how to live our lives. This is something that occurs in every generation and all the cultures throughout the world. The fact that many countries promote themselves as 'free' is misleading, In fact, it is an outright lie. Society expects and demands obedience. And, we as the good minions offer it at every turn.

Marriage is the primary vehicle that we are told will lead to our happiness. The traditional model is the only one offered and, until very recently, the only one accepted. If you were homo or bisexual, sorry, you are out of luck. The truth is that this path leads to heartbreak in over 50% of the cases based upon the present divorce rate. What does this tell us? That the traditional model did not fit in these instances.

Does that mean that marriage is a failure? Not at all. What it means is that not everyone is designed to follow the traditional path. We would be better off if we questioned what was being promoted to us. Asking things such as 'is this best for me' would go a long way to avoiding difficulty.

A Break In Mindset

Society enslaves people in their minds. Therefore, if we are ever going to be free, we must hold a mental jailbreak. The tenets of a particular culture might or might not hold true. Part of the process of snapping the chains that bind is questioning whether what you were spoon fed is appropriate. In some instances it will be. Then, if you are satisfied that you will benefit, then follow the dogma. However, if you determine that the belief system you were given makes no sense, then shed it for another. Believe it or not, you are free to do this.

Entering the BDSM life shows that one took this step. Simply by being present in this lifestyle means that an individual broke the traditional mindset and sought out another. That is why I believe that BDSM represents freedom. People who are involved in this way of life did not arrive here through blind obedience to dogma. Instead, each of us had to question what was occurring in our lives. We found that the traditional path was not working so we opted for another route. This mindset makes a radical difference. Blind adherence is what allows people to be enslaved. Questioning is the key to freedom.

I realize at this moment this might seem like a minor point. However, I will show you in the next few weeks how this ties into a much larger picture. The idea of freedom is one that people overlook too often. Fortunately for me, I decided to investigate it in depth. My results will be forwarded for your benefit. For now just understand that the conscious choice to live in a manner than the one prescribed by the mainstream is a step towards freedom. You are exercising your choice to live life as you see fit. This separates you from 98% of the people out there.

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November 24, 2010

A New Direction

Over the next few weeks, I am going to start taking this blog in a new direction. The BDSM philosophy is core to my existence. However, I feel that I am doing my readers a disservice if I do not touch upon many different aspects of life. To me, BDSM is about one thing: FREEDOM. People who enter into this way of life do so by telling society, 'I am going to live how I want regardless of what you think about it'. My opinion is that most of the western culture is nothing more than unknowing slaves. People toil all day long to get ahead only to end up empty (dead is another word). I want my readers to experience so much more.

Over the next few months, I will be implementing some changes in my life as a result of a new found outlook. Again, this is not wavering from the original BDSM notion. In fact, it is truly an expansion of this fundamental concept. Slavery is something that is all around us and I, for one, opt for the consensual as opposed to systematic slavery. Many of my posts will document this process.

My intention is to expand everyone's thinking by reiterating to you how I am altering things in my life. As a practicing member of what I write about, I hope this experience will benefit all of you.

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November 23, 2010

Self Discipline II

Here is the previous article in this series. I suggest you read this one first before proceeding.

In the last post, I mentioned that self discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action. No matter what type of relationship we refer to, they all are based upon action. The reasoning is simple: action is what transfers something from the invisible (our minds) to the visible. People can see the results of our actions.

A Learned Science

Self discipline is something that can be learned. The truth is anyone can have self discipline if he or she would only apply oneself. Of course, if one looks at society, he or she will realize why most people are discounted from this discussion. It is a fact that the greatest percentage, by an overwhelming margin lack self discipline. Instead of putting forth the effort to amass this talent, people make up excuses as to why they fail.

An analogy that works well for this topic is the idea of building a muscle. When one starts to work out with weights, the idea is to go slowly while working one's way up. So, on the first day one might do 5 reps at a particular weight. Depending upon how well that worked, one would decide to go for 6 reps the next time or, perhaps, cut back to 4. Regardless, one needs to get to a comfortable starting point from which to build from.

Self discipline is the same way. One needs to find the place from which to build from. Fortunately, most are beginning at ground zero. From that point, progress can be made. The idea is to start small and complete the task. Each day, one can add more and more to the list. Over time, it should be easier to do things.

For example, maybe you decided that losing some weight is on your agenda. What would be the first step? Perhaps you opt to walk each day for 30 minutes. I suggest you write this down on your list of things to do tomorrow (or today if it is early enough in the day). So, now you have a list of one thing to do. Before we retire for the night, I want you to add one more thing to your commitment: put down the time you are going to complete this task. This will add the emphasis of a time commitment also.

Now, guess what you do tomorrow at the assigned time? You complete your walk. This is what self discipline is all about. You complete the tasks that you set out to complete.

Why Do Most Lack Self Discipline?

It is a simple fact that we buy all the excuses that we offer to ourselves. Self discipline is so difficult because we reason with ourselves in a way that is magical. I wish I was as successful at convincing others of the things that go through my mind as I am with myself. I buy 100% of the ideas that flow through there. Thus, to overcome my lack of discipline means I have to ignore the lies I tell myself.

Getting back to the example of exercise. I have many excuses for not getting out there that I used in the past. See if you can identify with these: it is hot/cold out there. I didnt get enough sleep last night. I will start on Monday. My back/shoulder/leg hurts. I am too sore. I dont have enough time.

Do any of them look familiar? If you ever tried to get active with an exercise program and failed, you probably thought at least a few of these. Of course, if you had told them to someone else, you might have received a 'bullshit'. But when we tell these to ourselves, we think 'absolutely'. You can now see how we buy into all the excuses we make.

Self Discipline in Relationships

As I mentioned, all relationships are judged based upon the actions we take. A BDSM relationship is no different. Whether one is a sub/slave or Master/Dom/Mistress, the fact remains that each person has responsibility within the relationship. The other person is expecting certain things from us. Failure to receive those things will ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Again, just because we are in a power exchange relationship, that does not mean we are exempt from the basic tenets of life.

In the other post I mentioned how a Dom/Master really does not want to 'babysit' a sub/slave. While some will take the approach that some things are forgivable, the basic truth is we all want things done when they are suppose to be done. Failure on the part of a sub/slave will test the fundamental makeup of the power exchange. This gets even more obvious when one moves into TPE commonly found in M/s. It is worthy to remember that the main barometer that a slave is judged upon is obedience. Lacking the self discipline to get things done will lead him/her to be deemed disobedient.

Fortunately, there is hope. The above mentioned insight will assist you in taking action. Trust is a fundamental need for any relationship. However, we always need to remind ourselves this is built by doing what we say we are going to do. Once again, we see a basic relationship trait tied to discipline. Both individuals need to be aware of this idea if they expect things to progress long-term.

One final point. Human seems to be fundamentally lazy. This is part of our condition and one that we need to work to overcome. Concentrating on self discipline is something that can help us with this.

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November 22, 2010

Slavery: Acceptable Life Choice

We one again come back to the concept of social conditioning and mindset. It is ironic how we always seem to return to this fundamental point. The control society exerts upon us is incredible. Few realize how little their lives are truly theirs.

The Mainstream

Each culture has what is termed 'mainstream' beliefs. Everything is designed to put people into a particular box. Anything that deviates from that concept is considered taboo. In short, we are trained to obey what society tells us.

Of course, as we know, the mainstream beliefs can change over time. Look at the civil rights movement as an example. There was a time where being openly prejudiced against blacks was not only accepted, but expected. Now, that viewpoint is deeply frowned upon by most; at least how it pertains to the blacks. Of course, there are other ethnic or religious groups where it is permissible.

Since beliefs can change over time, it shows that they are not written in concrete. Also, we need to realize that ideas which work for the masses might not be effective for everyone. This is where the 'box' concept falls short. Some simply do not fit into the box.


Here is an example of how powerful the conditioning by society is. Let me ask you to consider your concepts regarding 'slavery'. What images come to mind? What do you picture and what are your feelings about that? The answers to these questions will likely reveal how impacted you are by the thoughts of others.

When most people think of slavery, they picture the suffering of the blacks in the Southern part of the U.S in the 1700s and 1800s (at least in America). This is the overriding image since it is what was promoted to us all those years. Of course, the moral aspect was also imparted upon us in that we all believe 'slavery is wrong'. But is it? Are there some conditions where slavery is acceptable? Society will tell us 'no'. I, of course, offer a different viewpoint.


A slave lacks the freedom of choice. The Jews throughout history who lived as slaves lacked the choice. So did the blacks imported from Africa to live a life of servitude. And, we see the same situation with young women who are kidnapped and sold into the sex slave trade. These people lack the freedom of choice. Instead, they are forced to live a life of that another chose.

That brings me to the next part of this discussion: arent most people living as slaves? Again, I make the case they are. People who read this blog regularly have seen me show how few people really choose what occurs in their life. Their beliefs are handed to them by those who they grew up around. The offspring of Red Sox fans end up rooting for the Red Sox and despising the Yankees and their fans. There is no practical decision other than conditioning. The same is true for religious, political, and economic beliefs. We absorb what the others around us promote.

Therefore, the only ones who are free are those individuals who exercise the freedom of choice. I will state that this is the true minority and always will be. I write this post, not for the masses since they are too closed-minded to understand. However, there is a small percentage who can grasp the bondage that society places upon them. These are the people who have the chance to break free and choose what they want.

The Choice of a Slave

So, society promotes the mantra that slavery is bad yet it endorses the very notion through its methods of control. However, if the only one who is truly free is the individual who consciously chooses how to live, then can it be stated that freely choosing slavery is a bad thing? I do not believe so. Anyone who opts to live his or her life in a particular manner if much better off than the masses.

Shakespeare once wrote "to thy own self be true". Choosing to live life as a slave is a truthful choice for many. In short, there is a sector of the population where opting to live as an owned one is a perfectly acceptable selection. This is where a person of this nature finds happiness and excels.

Thus, we need to shed the old mindset that slavery is wrong. Slavery is not wrong. Certainly, a case can be made that non-consensual slavery is morally reprehensible. However, when one consensually enters into a situation knowing full well what to expect, how can anyone question that decision? Add to the fact that the ones who are attacking the decision are usually unaware of their own state of slavery and you realize how asinine it all is. One who freely chooses how he or she lives is 1000 times better off than those who are blinded by society's conditioning.

So, if you want to own a slave, tell yourself that it is a perfectly acceptable choice. At the same time, if you want to life in this manner, implant the same thought in your mind. While we are not the majority, we are the free. Society is not correct about everything. In fact, if you look at the lives of the masses, it is incorrect about most things. Unhappiness is the overriding consensus out there. BDSM and M/s, in particular, offers a different path. However, to get there we need to change our thinking. And that starts with your outlook on slavery.

I hope you now see things a bit differently than you did before.

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November 20, 2010

Sub versus Slave

This is one of the eternal debated within the lifestyle that has raged since one first put a collar on another. Today, I am going to spell out some ideas that should clarify this tussle once and for all.


We often talk about submission and the viewpoint of a 'submissive'. These are terms that tend to be all encompassing capturing a wide range of people in the mix. While this is acceptable for most discussions, I am going to delve a bit deeper to clarify this for everyone.

A 'sub' is simply a person who is submissive. This type of person enters into a relationship commonly referred to as D/s. Here, one gets involved with a Dom/Domme for the purpose of interacting in a relationship. These two people establish the guidelines for the relationship and take it as deeply as they decide.

The key aspect with this relationship is that the 'sub' has the choice a say as to what the parameters are. Typically, there are aspects of this relationship which are 'off limits'. The Dom/Domme has control only over the areas that are agreed upon. Because of this dynamic, 'no' is always a viable option for the bottom.

Another fundamental component is that the sub is a person of a submissive nature. Since the entire relationship is built upon the domination/submission dynamic, one person needs to fill this void. A sub is a person who commonly submits naturally. Of course, as mentioned, there are certain areas where the dominant one cannot exercise his/her control.


Slaves tend to be submissive in nature also but not always. The reason why I state this is because, in consensual slavery, those who aren't submissive typically will not be drawn to this way of life. A person of submissive nature is attracted to the idea of ceding control over to another. However, as you will see, submissiveness is not something that is important.

When one enters into a M/s relationship, he or she is agreeing to submit to that person in all areas of life. In other words, all boundaries that are established are made by the Master/Mistress. Negotiation, debate, and compromise is not part of this equation. The exchange of power is obvious while being complete. Anything that is agreed upon is only done with the consent of the dominant one. This is a remarkable difference from the parameters established in D/s.

'No' is never an option for a slave. To deny a demand is simply to rock the very foundation of the M/s agreement. When one 'submits', he or she is agreeing to give up all of oneself. This is where the concept of 'property' enters into the picture. An person is owned once he or she grants the power over to another.

So, if submissiveness isn't the most crucial factor of M/s, then what is? The simple answer is obedience. M/s is established upon the premise of unconditional obedience. One need not worry about submitting but, rather, obeying.

Repeated Submission

A sub engages in what I call 'repeated submission'. What this means is that on a daily basis, many times, a sub will have to decide whether to acquiesce to the order placed upon him or her. Each interval is confronted with the question should I or shouldn't I? This is not so for a slave. A slave does not submit repeatedly. This process occurs once. After that, submission isn't sought but, rather, obedience.

Many will consider this a fine line. However, I feel that it spells how far apart the two life paths are. Subs do what comes natural by submitting to another in those areas which he/she is comfortable. If, at any time, one feels that a Dom/Domme crossed the line into an area that is off-limits or unnatural, he or she is within reason to say 'no'. Again, a slave doesn't have this luxury. He or she selected a path (slavery) that is dedicated to obedience. The fact that is it consensual does not alter the makeup of the relationship. Slavery has not changed in 2,000 years. Throughout history, one was simply expected to obey.

Sex Slaves

What about those who profess to be 'sex slaves'? Aren't they dictating what aspects their submission applies to? I would answer this by saying they are...and that is why they are not slaves. Slavery, by its definition is complete. Those who are 'consensual sex slave' are either ones choosing to submit in the sexual arena only or role playing with their partner. Most use the term 'slave' because they receive an erotic uplifting by thinking in these terms. Nevertheless, these people are not sex slaves.

The true sex slave is one who is not engage in the practice consensually (for the most part). We see these individuals in reports on television. Sex slaves are people who are taken from their home(land) and sold into the sex slave trade against their will. Their 'service' isn't only obligated to sexual matters. Instead, their entire lives are controlled by their captors. This is a remarkable difference from what our 'sex slaves' on the BDSM sites are referring to. Again, that is something completely different.

In closing, I want you to consider the traditional model of slavery. Today, we differ in the fact that consent is required. However, once we attain that, the same rules apply bearing in mind that we still live in a society with other laws that we must follow (that caveat is aimed at all those who want to debate this point by stating 'you cant kill her even if she is your slave'...yeah no shit Sherlock-that is called murder in most countries). A slave's effectiveness is judged based upon obedience. His/her outlook is irrelevant as long as the task assigned is completed to satisfaction. The consent to living as a slave is all that is required. After that, no consent is necessary.

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November 19, 2010

Self Discipline

Over the next few posts, I am going to be writing about this all important subject. Too often, we overlook the common qualities which lead to success. In my estimation, this is one of them.

Many of the self-help experts tout the benefits of discipline. Here is one of those subjects that I think we need to examine for the fact that it applies equally to the life of BDSM. As I often state, we are not exempt from life simply because we enter into this lifestyle. Many feel that success in the BDSM world is somehow magically different from the traditional. It is not. The same common sense techniques apply since life is still life.

What Is Self Discipline?

Simply put, self-discipline is the ability for one to get him or herself to take action regardless of the emotional state one is presently in. In other words, it is doing what needs to be done in spite of how you feel. This basic topic holds the key to most of success in life.

All relationships are based upon what we do. Many feel that feelings, emotions, and other qualities are what it important. It is not. What is important is what you do. Overlooking this fact while focusing on something else is a decision that leads to conflict.

For example, a man can love his wife but that means nothing if he cheats on her. Here the action overrides the feeling. The same can be said for the person who takes his or her wife for granted. While the feelings of love might exist, so too will resentment.

Actions are the way we express to the outer world what is going on within us. A BDSM relationship is no different than any other because we are dealing with two people afflicted with the human condition. The fact that we are in a power exchange situation does not change the basic makeup of a person. We all have feelings that cloud our thinking at time. Fear, anger, frustration, and resentment are just as much a part of the slave's life as a woman married for 10 years. Again, we are not exempt from life.

Discipline In BDSM

Discipline is a big part of the BDSM culture. This is a lifestyle that tends to be more overt about it being an aspect of our daily life. It is not uncommon for one to be chastised for his/her behavior. Action of this nature is not only accepted but, rather, expected. A dominant one who omits this is not fulfilling his/her responsibility.

However, I will state that my experience is that disciplining a sub/slave is not on the top of a dominant's list of favorite things to do. Over time, emotions grow between two people. Few care to discipline those that he or she truly cares for. We know it is necessary but having to do this on a regular basis becomes burdensome. Most of you are aware that I detest micromanaging a slave. This is something that I cannot stand doing. For that reason, in my household, a slave needs to be able to handle things on her own.

Self-discipline is the key that ties all this together. Since I am not looking over her shoulder consistently, she needs to have the ability to get herself to take action. Certainly, one might take the mindset that her motivation comes from the fact that I will punish her for failure to complete the assigned tasks. In this instance her motivation comes from outside of her. However, that is rarely the case. In my household, there are things that need tending to without me assigning it. Her desire to serve me completely is a motivating factor. Of course, there are times when she simply doesnt feel like doing what is required. This is where being a self-motivator enters the picture. Many tasks, if left unfulfilled, will not even be noticed by me. In other words, she could get away without doing them. However, as one who desires serving in the best way she can, she knows that failure to complete the necessary tasks reflects upon me. Her internal desire to excel in this life is what serves to create the desire to move forward. It is an internal push.

Ultimately, self discipline is a more powerful factor than anything that can come from the outside. Have a Dom/Master push you to complete tasks is a benefit to this lifestyle. However, over time, a submissive one needs to adopt the mindset for herself. Anyone who is continually having to micromanage another gets worn out in my experience. Being the one in charge of a relationship bears a major responsibility. Having to oversee the most minor details will ultimately lead to a breakdown between the two parties. Again, I do not feel that being dominant means one wants to babysit. Self discipline is a sign of emotional development. We all have things in life that we do not want to do but must. Only a child whines about not wanting to do it. An adult goes ahead, takes action, and moves on.

Hopefully now you can begin to see how important self discipline is to our lives within and outside of BDSM.

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November 17, 2010

Embracing Reality

Here is a post I put on the An Owned Life BDSM community site. The response created a terrific discussion so I thought it a good idea to post it here.

We emphasize a great deal about the positive aspects of the lifestyle. Many feel that some take this outlook to extremes which generates unrealistic expectations. I believe that we, who are in the lifestyle, help to promote this idea by not speaking out. Certainly, I feel it is a way of life that I did not find in the traditional realm. Nevertheless, it is not all cake and ice cream either.

It seems the online community has a warped perception, in many instances, of what BDSM and M/s, in particular, is all about. Sadly, they base their 'reality' on a series of science fictions novels. While the philosophy and mindset are accurate, I found the transformation to real time impractical. That being said, there are also an assortment of other things that few consider when dealing with someone in real time.

To start, as most of you heard me share, BDSM is a relationship. When you strip everything away, we are dealing with two people interacting with each other. That is a relationship. It matters little whether they are tying each other up, screwing their brains out, whipping and paddling, or talking about politics. There is an interaction there which continually needs to be considered.

Service is a wonderful thing for those who are designed for that. Yet, in my opinion, this is one of the things that is glorified by the online community. Reality is rarely examined. The truth is serving another continually is difficult. It takes an incredible amount of ego deflation to live in this manner. When the needs of another take precedent, that means you are relegated to a secondary role. Is that what you want?

Many feel that 'bowing down before Master' while waiting for his instructions is appealing. Well, let us explore reality. How do you like to be ignored for days or weeks on end? That is a part of the lifestyle. When you become a slave, that is what you accept; to live as he sees fit. Well, what if he wants to out with his buddies every night while you sit home tending to chores? Welcome to reality. How about if he decides to spend all his non-working hours in his garage with his hobbies while you are on your knees cleaning the toilet? Or, how do you like the fact of hearing him screw another in the bedroom next to you while your pussy turns into a raisin from lack of use? Maybe he will be kind and throw you the occasional opportunity to suck him off.

The point is that everyone needs to embrace reality. What people view online is not real. The images portrayed might be 'real' if you worked at But even those people will admit they are acting. That is not their life. Nor are the protocols set down in a fictional novel 35 years ago what this life is about. Both of these can show aspects of the life (or people's lives) but not the full measure.

And one final thought: the "Master" (or slave) you just met and are chatting with is not the end all. Do not go around professing your love for him and tell us how you service to him is forever. Stop acting like an immature little school girl with a good case of puppy love. Anyone who is around this life more than a couple years knows the average BDSM relationship is less than a year. And the online 'romances' last but a few months. This is reality. Do not go around thinking that you are any different. As I wrote in another post, this is simply percentages. If you think you are different, then do not come crying to us when the thing blows up in your face. Trust me when I tell you that you do not know what you are dealing with when we talk about some of the people 'in' this lifestyle. There are some real pieces of work.

I am sorry to burst anyone bubble but dealing with things on a realistic level is what needs to be done. People with their heads up their asses because they believe the bullshit they think they are experiencing are the ones who become statistics. Most little girls romanticize their future husbands, their wedding day, and their marriage. These childhood fantasies are wonderful and healthy. However, talk to the twice divorced woman about marriage and you will see the fantasy no longer exists. She got a healthy dose of reality. Why cant people grasp this same concept with this life?

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November 13, 2010

Equality: Unnatural Propoganda

"All Men Are Created Equal"

Today I am going to write what might well be my most controversial post to date. However, it is a topic that I believe needs discussing because so few are willing to engage upon it. Advocates of BDSM will do better in understanding this since inequality is a concept built into our lifestyle. For this reason, I feel that BDSM is the one of the few natural ways to live.

The above mentioned quote is the most famous line (actually part of one) in the United States Declaration of Independence. It was penned by Thomas Jefferson in rebuttal to the prevailing mentality of the day. Isnt it ironic that this phrase was written by a man who owned slaves? Obviously, all 'men' applied to only those he felt equal.


Slavery, as an institution, is present throughout the majority of man's entire existence. From the earliest days of civilization the weak were exploited for the benefit of others. Over the centuries, the criteria changed but the results were the same. Occupants of conquered territories were forced into slavery by their invaders. Others were imported to complete certain projects from far away, but weaker, nations. Whatever the formula, the basic truth is that those in power exercised it effectively.

Since it is a part of our makeup, I conclude that slavery is as natural as man himself. To think otherwise is to deny our humanness. The truth is we do not see nor believe in equality. 20th century economic and political systems tried to create a Utopian state which espoused equality. The net result was greater inequality. Nowhere in the world does equality exist at any level. Inefficiencies among people, groups, and nations will always exist. And, in turn, there will be those powerful enough to exploit it.

"All Men Are Not Equal"

Parity is not something that exists in nature. If we look to this for the universal truth we see that one law exists: survival of the fittest. Nothing else matters in this environment. The mighty redwoods survive generations because of their great strength. Palm trees, on the other hand, endure high winds with breaking due to the fibrous properties that allow it to bend. The lion is the king of the jungle while sheep are slaughtered. Inequality is everywhere.

Humans think that their ability to reason removed the natural elements of the Kingdom that we reside. Man is as much a part of the Animal Kingdom as any other beast and, therefore, subject to all its characteristics. Conscious, altruism, and empathy serve to mask what is truly present within all of us. Nevertheless, our history shows that our true nature is not peace but conflict. Ultimately, we follow the mandate of survival of the fittest also.

Man is the 21st century feels that he is improving in this area. As a percentage of the population, according to Wikipedia, there are fewer people living in slavery then ever before. Many will point to that being progress. However, slavery can exist in many forms. Some point to the 'economic' slavery of today showing how little has changed. Corporations and businesses provide minimal compensation in return for effort. Without a sustained form of living, many believe these people are nothing more than slaves themselves. If one believes this line of reasoning, then it is concluded that most of the third world nations live in a modern form of slavery.

Once again, we prove that man is inherently unequal. And that is attributed to the Kingdom he occupies.


People will fit into either of two categories: Master or slave. We in the BDSM world know this. One is either in the position of dominant or he/she is submissive. While some might switch, the truth is there are only two camps we fall into. Again, this is what is natural for us as human beings.

We see this throughout society. Those who are powerful have the wealth, prestige, and charisma to occupy the leading roles. The rest follow behind with envy. They are celebrities, leaders of corporation, and lead men/women of entertainment. These are the people who model how we think. They are the delivers of the news which we swallow with the same vigor of a starving person. Our belief system is given to us by them, a system we vigorously defend without even questioning why we believe it. The truth is few are Masters while the majority are slaves.

Expecting equality among people is unrealistic. In the BDSM community we see how inane it is to try to make someone naturally submissive into a dominant. Many try without success. Anyone who is following an inner characteristic which is true to their nature cannot alter that. Those of us who are experienced in this way of life know this truth.

Nevertheless, society is intent on distributing this unnatural notion. Few ever realize their true place in life. Ask the average person if he or she is a slave, especially in a Western country, and they will tell you 'no way'. But, delve deeper into his/her life to unearth how 'owned' the person is. We all follow a schedule dictated by other to earn money to pay taxes which we did not agree to. As mentioned, we follow a belief system that we didnt question. Hell, many work in careers chosen by a parent. Everywhere we turn, with our eyes properly adjusted, we see slavery.

BDSM is the only lifestyle that I know which embraces the inequality among people. We understand that an equal split of power never occurs anyway; so why fool with it. The lines of power are set our and explicit. In the end, it works because it is natural.

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November 10, 2010

Societal Teachings

Here is a quick question:

Do you have the freedom to be who you want to be?

Many would like to think they do but do they really? When you look at the influence society has upon each of us and the way that it imposes it's beliefs, one easily realizes that few are able to choose. Instead, we are trained to follow the particular dogma that society promotes.


I wrote a number of posts about questioning your beliefs. Beliefs are nothing more than ideas that people take to be true. The sad part of it is that few ever question what they believe or how it was derived. Society is extremely effective at getting the masses to believe what it wants. Through government and religions, the dogma is spelled out and adhered to.

What few realize is the beliefs change with time. Looking throughout American history, it is easy to see how the outlook by the masses was altered. Take wigs as an example. Today, wigs are acceptable for women but not for men. This is the common belief. However, that was no always the case. Early in our countries history, it was common for the leaders to wear white wigs during assembly. Society believed, at the time, that wigs for these individuals was acceptable.

Of course, we can see how this concept changes among different groupings. Nail polish is another example of an accessory that is identified with women. However, there are men in certain genres who wear it with acceptance. The punk rock movement is one area that comes to mind. Marilyn Manson and others are known to wear nail polish (in addition to makeup) without negative ramification from the fans.

Therefore, the only different is the belief(s) that one has. The accessory is not what is in question. It is the belief associated with it. If one wants to alter his/her life, simply change the beliefs you have.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist simply because someone decided that he or she wanted something different than society promoted. I love to use the gay culture since they have waged battle with the mainstream for 50 years. Through their struggles, they are attaining a degree of acceptance among the general population. Many of the beliefs that were once associated with the gays were removed. Certainly, prejudice still exists. However, it is not based upon the same degree of misinformation.

And that is what the basis of all my writing about the BDSM world is founded upon. I have a desire to clear up a lot of the misinformation about this way of life. We do go against the teachings of society. It takes courage to opt for this path since we risk being outcast by those we love the most. The traditional model is one that adheres to monogamy through the institution of marriage. While many of us create a life that includes this, there is a large percentage of us who do not subscribe to this belief.

Society wants to put us in a box. Being a part of the BDSM community means that you are willing to step outside that box and accept beliefs that go counter to what you were taught. In our way of life it is perfectly acceptable for a male to wear lipstick and makeup. That is what freedom is. You have the right to not wear it while another person can. It is all about individual choice. We do not promote dogma here. Instead, we value the inner search for what will make you happy. Whatever that path is, we encourage you to follow it.

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November 8, 2010

A Real BDSM Community

All of us have seen the games on the BDSM 'dating' sites. Anyone who is around this lifestyle for any amount of time has run across FetLife, Collarme, and Alt. In addition, there are thousands of chatrooms and forums concentrating on different aspects of the lifestyle. In the end, you would think there is a lot to choose from.

They Are All The Same

The sad truth is that all the sites I just mentioned tend to be replicas of each other. Anyone who spent time on there quickly learns how many people are outright fakes. These particular sites attract the trollers in droves. The reason: they contour to the masses. Certainly, as a business model, the market is much bigger if one focuses on the pervs and the wannabes. The ones who truly are interested in this lifestyle are a minority in comparison.

For this reason, I set out to create something that is remarkably different. Over the past year, I have been developing a BDSM social site that is appealing to the ones who are truly 'lifestylers'. This is not a place for the trollers. We are taking painful measures to offer features that appeal to those who want a real community.

New And Experienced

It is not easy to create a site where both the newer people and experienced ones can both feel comfortable. That was the goal we set out to achieve. Keeping with the overriding belief about this lifestyle, our first objective was to create a place where people felt safe. We have done this. By limiting people's ability to target massive quantities of people, we have turned many of the trollers away.

Being a BDSM community, we stress the social aspect of things. Of course, to achieve this, we require interaction. For this purpose, we have offered a variety of features designed to provide people with a creative way of expressing themselves. There are forums, blogs, video and photo albums, a chatroom, groups, and a 'twitter-like' wire. Each person gets his/her own profile page which is also compatible with any MySpace widget.

We have dominant and submissive individuals with decades of experience living this lifestyle. They post their knowledge and experience for all to read. At the same time there are newer individuals who are seeking to know what this life is all about. Thus, we have blended the new with the experienced. The interaction that is occurring is only beginning.

Come and join us at our BDSM community. This is a place for real people who are looking to share real experiences.

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November 7, 2010

What Is BDSM?

This post is going to hopefully clear up many of the major misconceptions that exist out there about the BDSM lifestyle. To start, I want to state that the ideas I am going to mention pertain to the relationship aspect. Those who are interested in implementing BDSM play into their bedroom activities, while still BDSM, will not relate to this. Only those involved or seeking a connection with another will identify with the principles.

The BDSM Relationship

I often ask people what is the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship". It is interesting, although not surprising, to hear people state BDSM. Sadly, this is completely false. The most important idea to remember is that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

Many seem to think they entered the twilight zone when they involve themselves in BDSM. That leads to a host of irrational behaviors which often result in harm. The truth is that one needs to approach this life with the same skills utilized in all other interactions. Ultimately, BDSM is about the relationship with another person.

When one analyzes a BDSM relationship, you come to understand how it is the same, and how it differs. To simplify things, the main difference between the BDSM relationship and a traditional one is the breakdown of power. Many are involved in what is termed 'total power exchange'. What this means is that the power split is unequal. One person has 100% of the power while the other has 0%. Contrast this with most relationships which are 50/50 or, perhaps, skewed one way or another because of personalities. Other than that, most of the same skills for success are required.

Many ask how does one separate the BDSM life from the 'outside' life? There is no need to 'separate' the two. Life is life. One does not leave one to enter into another. Again, this isnt the twilight zone. There is no mystery. Your life is exactly what it is. Certainly, we behave differently depending upon the surroundings. But, isnt that true in the traditional world? We act one way in front of our boss while behaving differently with our buddies on a Friday night while drinking beers. Along the same lines, one involved in a BDSM relationship will behave accordingly in both private and public. However, the momentary external circumstances do not change the relationship.

What Is One?

People are either dominant or submissive (or switches). That is what they are. However, one needs to look at what makes this so. Is a person dominant, for example, because he or she acts in a particular manner? Or is someone submissive because they do those things that are associated with a submissive person? I will answer this with a question: is a person female because she dresses, acts, and exhibits the ways of a female?

The answer to all of these is 'no'. Domination or submissiveness is what one is. It is something that comes from inside the person. It matters little how one is behaving in the particular moment. Dress up a female in male clothing and she is still a female. That does not change about her. The same is true within our lifestyle. Just because a sub is 'acting' dominant, in a job let's say, that doesn't change who she is. Her submissiveness is remains.

What does all this mean? In my experience, I concluded that people who enter this life focus upon the action and behavior. People want to know about what one does as a dominant (or submissive). This is the wrong approach. Again, the actions do not determine what one is. It is what is inside that makes this decision. Thus, instead of focusing upon the action, one needs to look within for the answers. To me, the most important aspect of this is the mindset one has. Out of this the actions will follow. However, it all starts with the inner search of what is there and conditioning the mind to follow suit.

What Is BDSM?

So, what is BDSM? Let me start by stating what it is not. Contrary to the images presented online, BDSM is not all about sex. You will not find yourself tossed into an episode of Public Disgrace on a daily basis. Nor it is about 'round-the-clock' beatings. It is doubtful your new Dom/Master has a dungeon set up where you will live. While sex and whippings are a part of the life we lead, it is not the primary focus.

Another thing that this is not is a fairy tale. Many like to romanticize it while placing it on a level of a kinky Cinderella. There are no glass slippers in this one. Many seem to think that a series of science fiction novels written in the 70s depict what this life is like. Few live something even remotely identifiable with these works. Again, this is mental imagery presented in the online community that does not transcend to real time.

BDSM is an inner search that is turned outward to fulfill a desire the dwells deep within a person. One might call it a connection to spirit. Whatever the terminology, the basic idea is living true to oneself. Getting involved in a BDSM relationship entails one living according to certain principles while interacting with another person. Each person fulfills a void for the other person. This connection is what present the opportunity for both people to grow. It is through this interaction that we learn more about ourselves.

Trust is a quality that many people have difficulty with. The BDSM relationship necessitates trust at the deepest of levels. Many of the activities we engage in are wrought with danger. A submissive, especially, needs to trust in the person that he or she is giving control to. Vulnerability is present even at the physical level; something that most in the traditional world do not face. It is almost unheard of that a person was accidentally killed in a normal relationship. However, scenes go wrong in the BDSM world can often lead to death. A greater level of trust is required knowing this danger exists.

When one submits, he or she gives all of him/herself over to another. At the same time, the dominant is accepting complete control and, thus, responsibility for the direction of that person's life. Neither should undergo this process lightly. This goes far beyond just wanting to be taken sexually. When two people merge in this way, they each are presenting all they have to the other person. This is a process that takes a great deal of time. BDSM is going through the intense effort to learn about oneself fully and entering into a relationship that satisfies the inner needs. It is determining where one fits on the power exchange scale to match what is within him or her. Once this conclusion is reached, it filters into all areas of one's life. BDSM is a life path that allows one to be what he or she truly is.

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October 26, 2010

Raising Standards

Many of the topics that I write about are not exclusive to the BDSM way of life. The reason for this is because this lifestyle does not alter the basic rules of mankind. Many of the teachings about success, relationships, and personal growth equally apply to someone who opts for this path. However, as my regular readers know, there are some twists to the lessons of the traditional world.

Standards: The Bar of Success

Quite simply, the level of success anyone achieves, in any area of life, is in direct proportion to the standards that person has. In other words, whatever the bar of success is, that is the level most people aspire to. We see this in business, sports, and relationships.

To illustrate this point, in years past Tiger Woods was by far the best golfer in the world. Now, let me ask you, was his talent remarkably better than the others out on the PGA tour? While a case is made that he was further advanced in terms of talent, the truth is that Woods held himself to a higher standard. His goal was to win every tournament he entered. Second place was a failure. This is the mindset he had each week for years. Contrast with the others who were happy if they won. He expected it.

We can also see this concept played out in relationships. Have you ever seen that man or woman that makes others envious? This is the type of person who turns heads whenever he or she enters a restaurant. All of us, at one time or another, have dreamed about what it would be like to date someone of this magnitude. Yet, how many of us actually have? The truth is the many of us told ourselves we could never get someone like that and settled for something less.

As an aside, please bear in mind that I am not stating that the only worthy people have movie-star looks or that relationships are based solely on the physical. I am using this as an example to illustrate the belief that 'someone is out of my league'.

These two examples show how the standard one sets has a direct influence upon what is achieved. If one wants to achieve more in his or her life, he or she just needs to set a higher standard.

Self Esteem

Self esteem is a factor that plays a large part in this idea. I found that the standard people hold themselves to is directly related to their level of esteem. A person with high self worth is not going to tolerate settling for anything less than is possible. At the same time, people who lack this crucial asset tend to underachieve because they are willing to accept less.

I write frequently how many submissive types tend to lack a healthy esteem. That is an observation based upon encounter hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals of this sort. Therefore, one of the major responsibilities of the person to whom he or she submits is to raise that person's esteem. Sadly, this creates a paradox since the lack of esteem usually equates to one getting involved with someone who is substandard. This is where the trollers are given an opportunity. If all submissives had a fair amount of self worth, the pretenders would not stand a chance.

It takes a great deal of esteem to believe that you are worthy of the highest that life has to offer. This is something that few, inside and outside the lifestyle, can do. Tiger Woods was able to view himself as head and shoulders above the best golfers in the world. His standard is that he wants to be 'the best who ever lived'. This outlook is not possible unless he has the esteem to match it. The same is true for you and every endeavor that you embarked upon. If you think you are worth more, you will set your standards higher.


Like most everything in this lifestyle, this particular concept is not only applicable to the submissive personalities. Dominants have to undergo the same process of looking at his or her standards so as to move forward. If a person of this type carries a low esteem, you can imagine the level that he or she will strive for. Again, we get substandard results.

I am a believer that one cannot effectively assist another unless he or she is first willing to undergo the change. Raising standards is not exception. If one is going to be a successful Dom/Master, that person must first be willing to raise his (her) level of performance. Shedding off the old standards is the initial step. If this is difficult, then that person needs to focus upon his (her) esteem level to match up the expectation with self worth.

A large part of a submissive types growth is going to be in this area. The truth is that many enter this lifestyle with a life that is in disarray. For whatever reason, the majority believe this way of life is the answer to all their problems. And, on one level, it is. Of course, the key factor is whether or not the person gets with the right person to set him or her on the proper path (we are assuming the person we are referring to is cut out for this way of life to start). A Dom/Master must hold one to a higher set of standard because there is a terrific chance he or she is incapable of doing it. This is part of being an effective dominant.

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October 23, 2010

Trust: The Foundation

On my BDSM social site, a conversation recently occurred which dealt with trust. The writer basically was making the case that she did not trust her Master because she had caught him in a number of lies. Of course, this leads one to a crossroads: what to do? It is something that is never easy but requires a decision. Today, I will express my thoughts about this highly important matter.

The Foundation

I will state that trust is at the foundation of every single relationship. Without it, there can be no success interaction between two people. When one does not trust another, he or she is continually on guard. It is a natural defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves. Whenever we find ourselves dealing with this type of situation, we experience tension. It is not a pleasant place to be.

Before going any further, I will state that each of us had an interaction where our trust was broken. Perhaps it wasnt in a romantic type relationship. Nevertheless, we all know the pain that goes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what another will do.

Do not take the statement that 'trust is the foundation of every relationship' lightly. Let us use the employer-employee interaction as an example. An employer trusts in an employee that he or she will show up for work when scheduled. This is the starting point. Also, that same person is entrusted to complete certain tasks that go along with the job. The company is willing to exchange compensation for this activity.

Of course, we see relationships damaged when that trust is broken. What happens once the person misses work a few timed without valid reasons? Suddenly, the employer starts to questions the capability of this person. Instantly, the trust starts to diminish. Of course, it can be eliminated in an instant by really falling short on a particular assignment.

The reverse is also true. An employee trusts that when he or she shows up for work, the doors will be unlocked. At the same time, in exchange for the time put in, the employee trusts that the paycheck will be given at the end of the week (or every other week). Again, we see how fragile this trust is. What happens when the company comes back one week and says the checks wont be available for another week? Trust is instantly destroyed. I have known people who worked for organizations that told them not to cash their paycheck for 3 or 4 wasnt a pleasant experience for them I can assure you.

So, as you can see, trust is at the core of all our interactions with other people.

Trust And BDSM

Trust takes on a deeper meaning when we shift to our primary relationship. Naturally, the depth that this type of interaction goes requires a great deal more than some of the secondary relationships we have in life. Having the full trust in and of our husband or wife is crucial for a successful marriage. Over time, people travel to depths where they trust in others of this sort completely. BDSM is no different in this regard.

However, I will state that I believe having trust in another is even more important than in the traditional 'romantic' relationship. That does not mean I am diminishing it in this forum. My point is that a BDSM relationship has a couple of characteristics that heighten the need for trust even more.

One of the differentiators of this type of relationship is the exchange of power. Whenever anyone enters into this arrangement, especially on the submissive side, he or she is entrusting the other person with a great deal more than the average relationship. Safety is the first thing that comes to my mind. A submissive needs to trust that he or she will be protected by the dominant one. Having this trust is necessary since there are many times where he or she is in a physically vulnerable state. One only needs to look at the results of scenes gone awry to understand how important trust in the right person is.

There is also the component that one is ceding power in a TPE relationship. When doing so, one is trusting the other person is able (and willing) to guide the relationship in the proper direction. Being the dominant one in a BDSM scenario entails a great deal of responsibility. Is this person worthy of this responsibility? If so, one is more apt to trust him or her. Of course, if that person is up to the task, trust flees like a deer in the night.

One final thought: the fact that trust is at the core of all relationship exemplifies to me the need for time to interact before making any commitments. I see people, especially online, submitting to another after one or two conversations. To me, that is absolutely ridiculous. How can anyone entrust in another without even knowing the person? The truth is he or she cannot. No matter what the lifestyle, there is no eclipsing some of the basic tenets of human relationships. Those who try ultimately meet with disappointment. Take the time to develop the trust between you and anyone you are considering. It will do more to enhance your chance of success than anything else.

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October 19, 2010

Being A Good Person

This sounds like a post that should be located on one of those 'woo woo' blogs where people talk about feeling and being good. While there certainly is truth to that dynamic, this is also something that applies to the BDSM world. As you travel around the web, you will find that not everyone you encounter meets the aforementioned criteria.


Have you ever thought about what qualities are needed for being a good slave? Or, to look at the reverse, what are the traits needed to be a good Dom? Are these things that you commonly find in most people? These are all questions that I considered over the years. And my conclusion is that few possess them.

To start, the online world is a forum for dishonesty and misleading intentions. The anonymity that it provides enables people to create persona which may or may not reflect reality. Sadly, I see so many who buy into the online persona believing that the ideal match was found only to later realize that one was tragically misled.

Therefore, be sure to consider the qualities that a person exemplifies before considering him or her for any interaction. The truth is there are no shortcuts in this life any more than in the traditional world. People, for some odd reason, believe that entering this life will solve all relationship problems he/she encountered over the years. This is a belief that meets with a disappointing ending.


Being a good person means being infested with goodness. Of course, the definition or traits that equate to being a 'good' person will differ for each of us. Nevertheless, it is safe to say that dealing with a person honestly is at the top of the list. Nobody likes to be lied to nor misled. This single characteristic eliminates most of the online morons since I believe, based upon personal research, that more than half the individuals in this medium (within the BDSM community) are misrepresenting themselves in some manner. Obviously, this puts the odds against someone immediately.

I often tell people, either dominant or submissive, to ask questions of anyone who he or she is interacting with. Some will use the belief that a submissive is not entitled to ask questions because of her place. If anyone tells you this, go to their profile page and write 'fake' on it. Everyone is entitled to ask questions to get to know another person. One cannot make a life decision without the necessary information.

In addition to honesty, I feel that integrity is also part of being a good person. This is something that is larger than honesty but still applicable. Integrity means being a decent person from top to bottom. It is the living according to a set of ideals or principles which hold oneself to a higher standard. This is vitally crucial in a BDSM relationship since each person has a responsibility to the other person. I do not believe anyone can be a good Master nor slave without having integrity. When one is conditioned to live according to less than admirable standards, he or she will ultimately only use the other person. This is another situation I see too often.

Being a good person means that you will behave in ways that produce the best results for all involved. Overtly selfish people cannot meet this criteria since they are too self-absorbed to consider others. At the same time, this same person lacks the maturity to successfully engage in a relationship of this magnitude. Considering how others are affected by one's actions, whether dominant or submissive, is a sign of a good person. Those who are only out for their own ends cause havoc every step of the way. These are the people that you want to avoid.

In closing, I will mention that it is best to remember all the life skills that you learned over the years. Many of the same attributes which create success in all relationships are applicable here. At the top of that list is common sense. Please do not forget to use your naturally gifted mind. Common sense will help you avoid many pitfalls that ensnare so many others. Use your will not regret it.

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October 18, 2010

A Place For Real People

I am writing this as a way to notify everyone of an option to the traditional BDSM sites that exist. If you arent already aware, over the past year we have developed a BDSM community to rival some of the other sites that presently exist. However, we did seek out on difference: to establish a place where people who are truly interested in this way of life can share their real time experiences.

Fake Prevention

One of the biggest problems with the popular 'bdsm communities' is that they are infested with people who are trolling around looking to make an easy score. While their motivations are many, most of them are playing online games looking to meet their short-term needs. They are not really interested in delving deeper into this way of life.

At the An Owned Life BDSM community, we seek to prevent the fakes from ruling the roost. This site is not designed for quick searching of members of the opposite sex. Interactions requires time and effort, something that the fakes detest. Also, it is a community which fosters the sharing of knowledge between members. Those looking to just 'hit on a bunch of people' tend not to stay around.

Social Features

We have a variety of features common to social sites. To start, there is a twitter-like feature where one can post short blurbs about ideas floating through one's head. This is also a terrific play to have back and forth real time conversations.

In addition, we have a forum, chat bar (like Facebook), a chatroom, and blogs. One is also able to post things on another's profile page much in the same way as Facebook. Friends can be added to make for easier interaction with like-minded people.

Every month we are adding new features to make the site more enjoyable for everyone who visits. Come join us and share you experience and desires.

Visit if you havent already done so.

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