Abuse Within The Lifestyle

I am appalled at how many actually believe that the BDSM world is a forum where one is free to abuse another. This is absolutely insane. Under no circumstances is the abuse of one who is under your control acceptable. I am a believer that if you do that, I ought to get to spend a couple of hours with you under my control. And trust me when I tell you that I know some pretty good torture techniques.

Domination

Much of this blog is spent writing about ways to identify the pretenders versus the real lifestyle people. The online community makes it more difficult simply because it is open to everyone with an internet connection. Nevertheless, I spell out what domination is about and what it is not. Those who focus on the physical/sexual are proving themselves to be nothing more than pretenders. Their actions exhibit the simple fact that they have no clue what it takes to be a Dom, let alone, Master.

Domination is not something that one can pretend to excel at. There is no way to fake it unless you are dealing with someone who is completely ignorant of what this lifestyle is all about. Of course, there are thousands of 'subbies' running around who fit that bill. They are the ones who are apt to fall for the crap that these supposed 'doms' spew. Ultimately, the submissive one ends up getting hurt, it is only a matter to what degree. Some are simply heartbroken while others have the living snot beat out of them.

If domination (or Mastery) was about physical intimidation then every battering redneck would be considered a Master. The truth is abuse is abuse. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle does not mean that one has a license to engage in such behavior (or take it). People who are under this misconception should be exposed at every turn. There should be no tolerance for abusive behavior. Being abusive does not equate to being dominant. Imprint this firmly in your mind.

Mastery/Slavery

This idea takes on a different meaning when one is involved in the TPE aspect of the lifestyle. Many seem to think that a slave is property (which she is) and, thus, needs to endure whatever is done to her. Again, this is a misconception of epic proportions. We engage in a consensual lifestyle. That means that we each volunteer for what we are involved in. A slave goes to a Master seeking domination, not abusive. Hell, many that I interacted with who are new seem to have that one covered in their life. They didn't need to come to the BDSM world to get slapped around.

Any 'Master' who believes he can abuse a slave physically is a candidate for arrest. It is that simple. I do not care if he is your 'true one'. If he is violent and emotionally out of control, call the cops. This is a concept that most believe foreign. How can a slave call the police on her Master? Simple. She just dials 911 (or 999 UK). There is no great mystery. After that, she does what she has to do to get away from that person.

Some are shocked by this outlook. Here is the reasoning. I could care less how long one is professing to be in the lifestyle, if he is abusive he is not a Master. And, if you are a slave, you need a Master not a nitwit. Thus, you are wasting your time by remaining with someone so boldly unqualified to own you. Contrary to your hopes and optimism, things will not get better.

An Inward Journey

Being a Master is an inward journey. Too many feel the way to become a Master is to get a slave and 'practice' on her. Wrong again Chico. The path to Mastery starts be identifying those qualities within yourself that will enable you to take control (and responsibility) for another. One major component in my experience is for one to seek emotional mastery. Those who cannot control themselves in this manner have no business being involved in an M/s relationship. Certainly, there are times we all lose our cool. However, there is a big difference between getting a bit upset over a circumstance and becoming a batterer. People of the later design belong in jail.

Domination is done with the mind. To do this, one needs to penetrate someone at a deep level. Making your point with your fists is not the way to go about that. Instead, that is proving your inability to truly dominate another. Anyone can use fear as a tactic. The challenge is to use of other methods which get better results. Only one who delves deep within himself can understand the qualities it takes to operate in this manner. The pretenders use fear since it is an easy tactic. Masters use mental and psychological control. The first abuse; the second dominate.

Intention

What constitutes about? Quite simply it is the intention. Obviously many of the vanilla believe all of what we do is abusive. The truth is that punishment handed down in an effort to alter a particular behavior is not abusive. Of course, the punishment needs to fit the crime as they say. If one goes overboard with every little transgression, that is also another for of abuse. A true Dom/Master will know where that line exists.

Much of our play involved paddles, needles, whips, chains, and rope. The truth is that many enjoy this aspect and crave the pain. Other do not. It is a dominant's responsibility to find the limits of each individual that he deals with. Again, since there is consent, it is not abusive.

We have a saying: safe, sane, consensual. While there might be some debate about the full merits of this concept, there is no doubt that this expels the notion of abuse being acceptable. If you are one who wants to batter, or feels that it is appropriate to batter a slave, then you need to learn this valuable lesson. And, if you are a slave who is suffering at the hands of an asshole like this, then I suggest you have the police on your speed dial. DO NOT HESITATE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Just because you are a slave that does not mean you have to be subject to this behavior. And if you find someone who feels you do, please send them my way.

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Raising Standards

Many of the topics that I write about are not exclusive to the BDSM way of life. The reason for this is because this lifestyle does not alter the basic rules of mankind. Many of the teachings about success, relationships, and personal growth equally apply to someone who opts for this path. However, as my regular readers know, there are some twists to the lessons of the traditional world.

Standards: The Bar of Success

Quite simply, the level of success anyone achieves, in any area of life, is in direct proportion to the standards that person has. In other words, whatever the bar of success is, that is the level most people aspire to. We see this in business, sports, and relationships.

To illustrate this point, in years past Tiger Woods was by far the best golfer in the world. Now, let me ask you, was his talent remarkably better than the others out on the PGA tour? While a case is made that he was further advanced in terms of talent, the truth is that Woods held himself to a higher standard. His goal was to win every tournament he entered. Second place was a failure. This is the mindset he had each week for years. Contrast with the others who were happy if they won. He expected it.

We can also see this concept played out in relationships. Have you ever seen that man or woman that makes others envious? This is the type of person who turns heads whenever he or she enters a restaurant. All of us, at one time or another, have dreamed about what it would be like to date someone of this magnitude. Yet, how many of us actually have? The truth is the many of us told ourselves we could never get someone like that and settled for something less.

As an aside, please bear in mind that I am not stating that the only worthy people have movie-star looks or that relationships are based solely on the physical. I am using this as an example to illustrate the belief that 'someone is out of my league'.

These two examples show how the standard one sets has a direct influence upon what is achieved. If one wants to achieve more in his or her life, he or she just needs to set a higher standard.

Self Esteem

Self esteem is a factor that plays a large part in this idea. I found that the standard people hold themselves to is directly related to their level of esteem. A person with high self worth is not going to tolerate settling for anything less than is possible. At the same time, people who lack this crucial asset tend to underachieve because they are willing to accept less.

I write frequently how many submissive types tend to lack a healthy esteem. That is an observation based upon encounter hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals of this sort. Therefore, one of the major responsibilities of the person to whom he or she submits is to raise that person's esteem. Sadly, this creates a paradox since the lack of esteem usually equates to one getting involved with someone who is substandard. This is where the trollers are given an opportunity. If all submissives had a fair amount of self worth, the pretenders would not stand a chance.

It takes a great deal of esteem to believe that you are worthy of the highest that life has to offer. This is something that few, inside and outside the lifestyle, can do. Tiger Woods was able to view himself as head and shoulders above the best golfers in the world. His standard is that he wants to be 'the best who ever lived'. This outlook is not possible unless he has the esteem to match it. The same is true for you and every endeavor that you embarked upon. If you think you are worth more, you will set your standards higher.

Domination

Like most everything in this lifestyle, this particular concept is not only applicable to the submissive personalities. Dominants have to undergo the same process of looking at his or her standards so as to move forward. If a person of this type carries a low esteem, you can imagine the level that he or she will strive for. Again, we get substandard results.

I am a believer that one cannot effectively assist another unless he or she is first willing to undergo the change. Raising standards is not exception. If one is going to be a successful Dom/Master, that person must first be willing to raise his (her) level of performance. Shedding off the old standards is the initial step. If this is difficult, then that person needs to focus upon his (her) esteem level to match up the expectation with self worth.

A large part of a submissive types growth is going to be in this area. The truth is that many enter this lifestyle with a life that is in disarray. For whatever reason, the majority believe this way of life is the answer to all their problems. And, on one level, it is. Of course, the key factor is whether or not the person gets with the right person to set him or her on the proper path (we are assuming the person we are referring to is cut out for this way of life to start). A Dom/Master must hold one to a higher set of standard because there is a terrific chance he or she is incapable of doing it. This is part of being an effective dominant.

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It Takes Maturity

This is a subject is rarely read about when discussing the different aspects of the BDSM world. Yet, there is nothing, in my opinion, that is crucial to success. Without it, one is deemed to fail in any type of relationship regardless of the way it is structured.

Fakes

Many complain about all the fakes that exist in the online BDSM world. These people range from annoying to outright dangerous depending upon how naive the person being targeted is. Nevertheless, for the most part, these types are just passing time. They come and go without a trace. Their presence is solely for the purpose of entertaining themselves. Usually, they are manipulative, pathetic people who are trying to compensate for their unworthiness in real life.

Are these people immature? Some of them fit this description to a tee. Fortunately, they are the ones who are rather easy to spot. An example of their activity is they will enter a chatroom while proclaiming they are seeking a slave (or Master). This behavior falls into the get real category. Do they really think that anyone real will drop at their feet? Along the same lines, these same type of people believe that a capital before their name instantly makes then a Master, thus meaning that everyone "bow" at their feet. Again, I say get real.

These people are foolish. Many are trying to compensate for a lackluster life offline. We see many who are trying to live out their sexual fantasies while masturbating to characters on a screen. Another group of them are trying to cover up the fact that they have little appeal in the real world. The Internet allows one to create whatever persona he or she desires. Experience is not something these people share since they have none. Instead, their "world" becomes the online community they interact with. As it pertains to BDSM, they try to fit in while being transparent as to what they are. The fakes take away from everyone.

Submissives

This brings us to the people who are truly seeking to live this way of life. Where do they stand? Again, since I am writing this post, I believe that most tend to fall in the immature category. I find this especially true on the submissive side of the equation. Many who are seeking a Dom/Master appear to missed the part of life where one was to grow up. Their emotional balance is that of an 8 year old. This is alright since many of them want to act like children anyway.

On my social site, we had blog post regarding the maturity level of certain types of people (read it here). Many on that site seem to agree that there are a range of people who enter this life as a means of shedding all responsibility. As mentioned, many have lives that are wrought with failure. These people seem to get a new lease on things when they uncover the BDSM life. Here is the magical elixir that will make their lives successful. Suddenly, finding one who will take care of him/her is the solution.

Naturally, anyone who was around this life for any period of time knows this is not true. The bottom line is that it takes maturity to make a relationship work. No matter the dynamic, it takes work for relationships to succeed. Contrary to popular belief, a total power exchange does not increase the chance for success, especially if one is totally immature.

Dependability

A BDSM relationship is extremely difficult. Speaking as a Master who had multiple live in M/s relationships, I can tell you that one of the main factors for success is that I must be able to depend up anyone under my control. Absent this, I will never have the trust to delegate worthwhile tasks to her. A slave is in my life to make it easier. Micromanaging is something that I detest. At the same time, this is my life we are referring to, not some game that one picks up on a whim. Therefore, anyone I deal with, if long-term success is to be present, requires a level of maturity to exist in this realm. Acting like a child does not increase one's dependability in my view. This is a surefire way to wreck any relationship I have with you.

How does all this translate to the behavior we witness online? I see so many acting immature in chatrooms and one forums. Their idea of fun and cutting lose is also the parameter that others such as myself is judging them. Those who want to behave in such a manner quickly lose my respect (and yes, respect is something that a Dom/Master should have for a sub/slave-but it is earned). Being a brat reminds me too much of an 8 year old. Therefore, anyone who wants to be considered by me needs to exhibit the adult qualities that I know are needed for success in a BDSM relationship.

Adults

The people I know who have successful relationships are adults. BDSM is simply as aspect of our overall lives. We deal with all the same issues that everyone else does. Success in life is contingent upon handling the different aspects of life in an appropriate manner. Children have the luxury of acting the way they do because they have parents taking care of them. However, those who do not mature often have difficulty later in life since so much of what we deal with requires advanced interpersonal skills. Life is a game for adults. Children are exempt from playing.

BDSM is the same way. Those who feel the need to behave or live out their childish motives are doomed to fail. I do not know anyone who takes this life seriously that would subject him or herself to such a person. The advantages that someone like that provides are minimal. People who are seeking out a relationship(s) do so by judging what the other person brings to the table. Any parent knows that children come with headaches. Few are willing to subject themselves to the same anguish by involving themselves with someone too immature to handle a relationship. Immaturity is one way to remove the chance for long term success. And it is certainly something worthy of more discussion.

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Interested In BDSM?

I decided to take a turn back to the beginning. The problem with being involved with something for so long is that we often forget what it was like in the beginning. Today, I am going to write a "retro" post about the early stages of one's BDSM life.

The Pictures Look Nice

Most of us, in the era, come across the BDSM world via the Internet. We are surfing around and come across a site that has some interesting pictures on it. There we find people who are tied up in a variety of sexual positions while being dominated by another. This catches out attention. Over the next few days, we begin to consider what it would be like to experience something like that. Thus, our search begins.

Sexual imagery is what is promoted by those who are seeking to profit online. We have to be honest to the fact that a large percentage of online surfers are seeking sex related activities. Studies are continually done which proves this. Our way of life is no exception.

This brings us to the first challenge: the BDSM lifestyle can entail a great deal more than just sex. There are other facets to this way of life that go a lot deeper than an orgasmic afternoon. However, that is not to say that either starting BDSM in the sexual arena or only pursuing it that far is wrong. Truly, there is no right and wrong in this way of life. We are people who seek to satisfy our needs. Developing a course of action that works for you is important.

Communication

I mention this at this point in the conversation for the simple reason that many are presently involved in relationships (vanilla) when they happen upon this lifestyle. I cannot tell you how many have contacted me asking what suggestions I have for making the husband/wife into a dominant (it always seems the submissive types are asking that). Sadly, my experience is that one is not going to change someone into something that he or she is not. Training one to be dominant or submissive when they lack that naturally is usually a dead-end path.

Does this mean that you throw in the towel before getting started? Absolutely not. What is important is for you to communicate your desires with your significant other. My only suggestion here is to start slowly. That is one of the reasons why entering the sexual arena works so well. It is easy to disguise BDSM as just "spicing up the sex life". Many couples experiment with ropes, scarfs, and spankings. While they might not be aware, they are actually engaging in a light form of BDSM play. They are involved without even knowing it.

Discussing things with your partner enables you to monitor his or her reception to things. Most people are up for some additional sexual stimulus. However, there is a big jump from there into a full blown M/s relationship. Many steps need crossing along the way. Open lines of communication allow you to proceed together towards the desired end.

*If you presently find that you are not involved in a relationship, then you path is a bit easier. You have the advantage of making the decision solely for yourself. Your challenge is to find a BDSM partner to share things with. This will be explained in a future post.

Knowledge

This is where I find a double-edged sword exists. There is a saying that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. No truer words were ever written about many of the people in the BDSM community. They are absolute fruits. For whatever reason, they have an idea in their minds that reading a couple of sites puts them at the level of expert. These are the ones who are truly dangerous.

The other factor about the Internet is that there is a great deal of garbage out there written by people who have no clue. Any idiot can become a blogger (look at me). Simply sign up with Google, get a free blog, and you are off and running. However, this will not mean that you have anything applicable to say. And, that is what I find happens in this way of life. There are people who proclaim to be slaves without a single idea what that truly means. They are calling themselves slaves while exemplifying a dominant attitude.

Nevertheless, I urge you to read all you can. At present, I have over 300 posts on this site. Therefore, I feel it a great place to start your research. My experience is related from the last 10+ years living this lifestyle as a Master. Nothing I write is conjecture. It is just my experience. This will provide a foundation to base other information against. We all need reference points and I can offer some to you.

After that, sure different BDSM blogs seeking people sharing their experience. The wonderful benefit to this is that we all do not have the same experience. Reading another Master's words gives you a perspective that I might not have. Compare the different ideas to see what words for you.

Another fact is that commonalities will emerge the more you read. Like anything. there are basics in this lifestyle. We use terms that are different from the mainstream. Understanding what these terms mean helps to converse intelligently with those in the lifestyle.

Seek those with knowledge out. There are many sites that have chatrooms or forums packed with the ideas and experiences of others. One site that I set up was done in an effort to parlay the knowledge of others to those seeking (you can find it here).

If you are one of those who is embarking on this path with another, have him or her read similar information. Compare and contrast what you unearth with the natural desires that each of you has. It is not uncommon to find that two subs or two doms are involved with each other. This might create a problem if you are looking for the other to compliment you. Learning these tidbits only comes as a result of communicating the knowledge that you both gain.

Take Your Time

This is the best suggestion anyone can ever give when it comes to this way of life. Many get a quick taste of this lifestyle and want to dive headlong into it. This is how people get hurt. There are many pitfalls which can cause serious damage if one is not careful. Dealing with someone who is not as knowledgeable as he or she professes has let more than one person down. Also, even the most experienced have to be ever mindful of how they are approaching a scene. Safety is always the highest concern.

There is no race here. Resist the desire to go from novice to complete "pain slut" (one of those terms you will have to look up). There is no reward in rushing forward. The price of falling can be great. Follow these steps outlined here to ensure a healthy approach to this way of life. In a couple of months, things will become clearer to you. This will enable you to make better decisions.

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Pushing Too Far

What is a sub/slave truly capable of? I believe finding out is one of the major responsibilities of a Dom/Master. It is important that a sub/slave be conditioned to continually grow. Without this, stagnation is the result. Life is meant to move in a forward direction. Those who try remain where they are ultimately end up going backwards. A Dom/Master needs to push one to move further.

Of course, one needs to be adept at this art. This is one of those things that is more "art than science". There are no written rules as to the best way to "push" a sub/slave. Each individual is different. Part of the process is to uncover that which will make him or her respond.

One area to look at is past experiences. Human nature dictates that we most often will bring past experiences into present situations. Memories do not just vanish. This is magnified when the past was emotionally charged. People who are victims of abuse, as an example, are subject to relive those experiences in his or her mind. Oftentimes, the impact is so severe that counseling is required.

I suggest that anyone who is afflicted with such situations seek the proper trained attention. Dom/Masters are many things. However, few are licensed therapists able to deal with many of the psychological circumstances that arise from such past traumas. Trying to push those issues aside will rarely prove effective. Help is often needed.

Anyone who is in control of another person's life bears a large responsibility. This is not something to take lightly. Moving a sub/slave forward in her growth process while maintaining the "gentle" touch so as not to produce harm is trying. Knowing when to pull back so as not to cause this damage is equally as difficult. Nevertheless, safety is always the highest priority.

The most important thing a Dom/Master can do is not to push one too far. Take into account past experiences and be mindful of when they may be reappearing. If something is mentioned as a Hard Limit, give that the proper thought and consideration. There certainly might be a valid reason as to why that limit exists. Hard Limits are perfectly acceptable when there is a worthwhile reason. Pulling back when you reach one is a way to ensure not pushing one too far. Overall, you will find more happiness if you can develop this art.

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Direction

Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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The Way You Carry Yourself

Many believe that dominating another consists of barking out orders to a submissive type and expecting they be followed. While that is an obvious aspect of things, being a dominant person requires a great deal more than that. Some of what I am going to discuss is going to separate the pretenders from the crowd.

Like I always mention, common sense goes a long way towards clarifying the issue. To start, a Dom will carry himself (or herself) in a certain way. There is a lot to be said about how one carries him or herself. Typically, a person's confidence and strength shines through in the demeanor that is maintained.

How are you carrying yourself? Do you approach situations like you are leery and unsure? Do you have the confidence in yourself and your abilities to weather any situation? Being in control of another person is a great responsibility; do you have the muster to live up to this? These are all questions that can be learned from simply looking at how one carries him or herself.

Pretenders get demanding. They need to be boisterous so as to have an impact. However, they fail to realize there is a much greater impact in the quiet approach. Those who are truly confident do not have to promote their power. It ultimately shines through in their actions.

We can see the same attitude online. There are so many "Masters" I come across who are anxious to exert their "power". They are all too willing to tell you they are Masters and are to be respected. Of course, anyone with have a brain knows that respect is earned and not freely given.

Online, I rarely tell anyone what I am unless they specifically ask. Usually, the information is provided in a profile anyway so if one wants to know, he or she can check out my profile in that group. I do not need to hear myself say I am a Master to try to reaffirm it. It is all part of how I choose to carry myself online.

Being a Dom/Master is not an easy course to hoe. There are many instances where issues arise which are completely your responsibility. Even if you didn't create them, the dominant person needs to straighten it out. Few are able to do this. Most have issues planning a vacation let alone being responsible for the direction of another person's life. Being in control is something that should not be taken lightly.

In closing, anyone who is considering this way of life needs to understand that being a Dom/Master is more than just having a sex toy. There is a great deal of effort required for success. Even under the best of conditions, most BDSM relationships fail (not unlike society in general). Relationships are work. However, if you believe that you are going to come in and just bark orders while walking around like a pansy, the chances of failure just increased substantially. Knowledge and effort are necessary.

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Subs: A Misunderstanding

There is a lot mentioned about the difference between subs and slaves. Many posts online delve into the levels of exchange of power. I believe most of them chronicle these aspects well. However, one area that seems to be left to misunderstanding is what is meant by a "sub". It seems that most fail to see the varying degrees.

A sub is a person who submits. That is simple enough. In general terms, a slave is a sub (although a sub is not necessarily a slave: a Coke is a soda but not all sodas are Cokes). That being said, most have a common idea of what they mean when someone says they are a "sub".

The general meaning of a sub is that he or she is one who is sexually submissive. In BDSM, the exchange of power is the fundamental separator from the traditional lifestyle. Under D/s, a sub submits in certain areas. Typically, the one area that one is submissive in is the sexual arena. This is where the control is given over. One chooses to be dominated in the bedroom. The common belief is all other areas are off limits.

This is where things start to get cloudy. What about the person who is willing to submit in more areas than just sexually? Where does he or she fit in? I feel the overriding outlook is that the one who moves away from sexual submission is now entering into slavery. My experience tells me this is untrue. This misconception leads to failure since I sense the mindset of a slave is missing in these people. The leap from being a sub to a slave is enormous. Most fail to grasp this.

Getting back to our person who desires more, is he or she a slave because of this want? Not necessarily. It is possible to be more than just a "sex sub". Someone can offer to do the laundry, handle the yard work, or run errands for his or her Dom. Even though the boundaries were expanded, the nature of the relationship did not change.

The main difference between a sub and slave is in the exchange of power. When one enters into M/s, the exchange of power is complete. This fact affects all areas of one's life. Nothing is not open to the control and decisions of a Master (Mistress).

A sub retains control over certain areas that he or she chooses. For example, while submitting to running errands, a sub may keep his or her career off limits. The choice to work or not is in his or her hands as opposed to the Dom. This is a radical shift from M/s where the decision is the Master's. A sub always retains the ability to exercise control in certain areas.

The other area that differs is in the ending of the relationship. A slave needs to request release. Like all other decisions, in M/s, the relationship ends when the Master says it is over. It is his or her choice (unless there is some type of physical danger that the slave is in). A sub can decide to walk away whenever he or she chooses. The level of exchange of power is not to the same degree as under M/s.

Therefore, just because one moves his or her submission to areas other than the bedroom, this is not cause to call oneself a slave. This person is still a sub. The situation is altered in terms of the areas where the submission exists. Nevertheless, the nature of the relationship did not change. It is still D/s.

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Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental "wounds" should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

The bottom line is that it is a Dom's responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

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Submissive Sexually

Many get confused as to the difference between a slave and a sub. It seems that some will view one as better than the other. New people can often be made to feel "less than" when interacting with a number of slaves. It appears that few appreciate the differences until they actually experience it in real life.

I will be honest in that it is my observation that few have the make up to be a slave. This is a position only for those who are extreme. The act of completely submitting all of your life to another is something that many cannot grasp. They proclaim that they can until they actually experience real time situations which affect them. This is where the resistance arises.

In simple terms, a slave is one who turns his or her life over to another. This person retains no control over any aspect of his or her being. In its true form, everything that occurs is only with the permission of the Mistress or Master. A slave has absolutely no say about the treatment that is received. In essence, this person is property.

There are a great deal who are attracted to this part of the lifestyle. They like the freedom that comes with absolving themselves of any responsibility. However, there is the down side to all this. Can you accept the fact that your pleasure is no longer important. Everything that you are about is suddenly changed to a total focus upon the needs of the Mistress or Master. The image in one's head rarely reflects reality.

The other aspect that many enter into is as a sub. I believe this is where most tend to fall on the scale. A sub is one who gives up control in certain areas of his or her life while retaining it in the other areas. Commonly I found that the area where one likes to be dominated is sexually. Therefore, a couple will get together for some D/s sex and then go about their lives as equals.

As mentioned, neither of these choices is better than the other. Both are acceptable as long as one is following his or her inner desire. Problems seem to arise when one tries to fit into something that he or she is not.

Being submissive is usually indicated by your sexual desire. After that, look at the concept of full and complete submission with your life. And remember, there is a big difference between having the desire to serve and being willing to submit completely to another. Reality rarely reflects fantasy.

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Romanticizing The Lifestyle

This is a reality check. I encounter too many people who believe that entering this lifestyle will be the cure-all for everything that is wrong in their life. People somehow believe that submitting to another will alleviate any relationship difficulties of the past. At the same time, the idea of "owning" someone is viewed as a hassle-free endeavor. Unfortunately for these people, reality is far different.

I wrote a number of times about the lunacy of online relationships. Too many mistake them for being real. Online does not mirror real time at all. It is far easier to interact with someone when there is no face-to-face contact. Some believe that what they are experiencing is accurate. However, anyone who moved from online to real time will attest at the drastic difference between the two. The bubble bursts when reality hits.

Often, I will equate aspects of this lifestyle with marriage. With regards to what we are mentioning here, there is an analogy that is applicable. When people are younger, especially women, they have a tendency to romanticize marriage. Little girls can tell you all the dreams they have pertaining to their wedding day. It is a fantasy they carry with them.

My question is how often does reality reflect that fantasy? For most, the answer is never. Rarely does marriage end up being the golden path of eternal bliss. Marriage is a relationship. With it comes an assortment of difficulties as two people try to forge a life together. The last few decades witnessed the increase in marriage failures. Reality certainly is different than reality.

The same applies to this lifestyle. Those who carry with them the illusions of some incredible sex while submitting to a powerful one are mistaken. BDSM will not solve your life problems. Just because you submit to another, that does not mean that you are no longer responsible for your children. Financial issues plague us the same way as anyone else. And, Masters/Doms are people with the normal conditions that affect all humans. Life still exists.

My conclusion is that many look to this way of life to try and counterattack their failures in other areas. While BDSM offers something that is right for many of us who did not fit into the traditional realm, this is not something that is going to make up for complete ineptness in life. Some people are just terrible at relationships in general; not intimate but any type of relationship. They approach BDSM with the mindset that this will solve things. It will not.

The bottom line is to get realistic about what this way of life offers. If you are suffering in life, BDSM most likely will not solve it. People who cannot get along with others at work, in school, or in intimate relationships will not fare much better here. BDSM is nothing more than a lifestyle choice of how to structure a relationship. However, we must never forget it is a relationship and with that goes a lot of uncertainty.

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Trust

In reading online conversations, chats, blogs, etc, I see a great deal written about the need for a sub/slave to trust the one that she chooses to submit to. This is worthwhile exercise and a basis for a successful BDSM relationship. I am a believer that there will be no long term success without this crucial component at the core. However, this is a two way street, a fact often overlooked by most.

Obviously, anyone who is looking at submitting needs to be aware of the qualifications of the person he or she is submitting to. Many will claim to be Masters while only having read a few online blogs. Suddenly, they feel that capitalizing the first letter of their name makes them experienced. This occurs on a daily basis and one needs to be careful.

The reverse is also true. Anyone who is looking to receive the submission of another needs to be sure he can trust her. There are as many fake slaves as there are Masters. Many get online while being attracted to the idea of having someone taking care of them. This is a wonderful experience when the relationship exists in the virtual realm. However, when it moves to real time, problems are encountered. It seems the willingness to please sometimes disappears.

I find many truly are not committed to this lifestyle. To me, being respectful to the way of life some choose to live is imperative. There are many actions which are not only a "slap in the face of the Dom/Master" but also to the lifestyle itself. This is unacceptable to me. When a sub/slave makes that choice, serious consideration needs to be given to whether she is "worthy" of being owned. The truth is that the majority cannot handle the extreme nature of this way of life. We must be sure someone is willing to adhere to the premise that is set down.

The foundation of BDSM is the exchange of power. When one opts for the more extreme facets, i.e. M/s, the power breakdown is absolute. All decisions reside with the Master. This is something that all agree to when submitting yet want to test when things are not going her way. Here is where we see the real time problems exist.

To me, this is a way of life that I take seriously. Those who enter it with the idea of "testing the waters" need to look at what they are doing. This is something that one cannot just dive into without certainty that it is how she wants to live. Those who feel they can just change their mind on a whim do not understand the basic premise of BDSM. They are better off remaining in the traditional world.

Trust is something that takes time to develop. However, it can be destroyed very quickly. Those who break trust by going counter to the foundation of BDSM are risking ending up left out. There are many in this lifestyle who will leave a relationship once that trust is tarnished. Those who feel they can atone for this action often are surprised to learn that they cannot. Sometimes trust is destroyed so badly that it cannot be rebuilt.

Naturally, each situation is different. Nevertheless, one needs to be aware that many do not take this lifestyle lightly. We are just as committed to it as most are to marriage. This is how we choose to live and anyone who treats this as a game is insulting us. Therefore, I suggest watching how you interact with those who are already enjoying this way of life.

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TPE=Total Commitment

At the core of the BDSM relationship is the exchange of power. This is where BDSM differs from traditional relationship. In BDSM, there is one party who is dominant while the other is submissive. Equality is something that is non-existent. The only differing factor is how much power is exchanged.

In my book, An Owned Life, I explain the differences between a sub, slave, and switch. Each of these categories involved the exchanging of power. Nevertheless, the major factor between a sub and a slave is that the later completely gives up control in all areas. The exchange of power is total. A sub, on the other hand, is one who retains power over certain pre-determined areas. Also, the submission is also usually good for only a finite period of time. Once that event (scene) is over, so is the submission.

For one who wants to go to the degree of slave, one must be prepared to be fully committed to that idea. I see many who claim to be slaves when in fact they are unwilling to "give it all up". Their actions differ from their words.

I came across one blog where the blogger professed to be a slave. In reading her posts, I was amazed how controlling she was. She often wrote about how she was the instigator of things in her relationship. One post mentioned how she "attacked" her Master sexually when he came through the door. This is not something that a slave does. This shows that she retained the power over deciding when sex would occur. Not a slave's place. Again, we need to remember the extreme nature of a total power exchange. None is retained.

Words also have an impact on the mindset of someone proclaiming to be a slave. Often, I will hear words used which show that he or she still believes they have some power. The position of slave is not firmly rooted in his or her mind.

For example, a slave cannot own property. It is a well known fact that property cannot own property. I mean, can you see your car owning a bicycle? It does not fit. The same is true for a slave. He or she commits to a life where the role of property is undertaken. That is what is meant by "being owned". Well, if one is owned, how can that person own anything? He or she cannot. Yet I often hear people refer to "my ________". There is no "my" in a TPE relationship. Everything is the property of Master.

Does this sound like too much for you? For many it is. There is nothing that says one needs to become a slave (or a Master) to enjoy the merits of BDSM. We have many different types of relationships within this arena. However, for those who claim to want to be involved in TPE, it is best to know the decision being made. TPE is a total commitment to that person and to the lifestyle. It should not be taken lightly.


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The Online Attraction

What is the attraction of being involved in BDSM online? Why do so many partake in it without ever moving into anything that looks like reality? How come so many people mistake it for being real when all evidence shows the contrary?

I guess if I could answer all these questions I would be the world's foremost expert on online delusions. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts about what occurs for people to get so wrapped up in something that seems so inane.

To start, many people have horrible lives. The truth is that most individuals are unhappy with their life. This statement applies to all of society, not only BDSM. The average person lives in unhappy servitude to ideals that he or she did not chose. Many wake up after a couple of decades only to realize their fate is sealed. Responsibilities such as marriage, kids, and bills are too substantial to walk away from.

This is where the Internet enter the picture. This medium is the world's greatest masquerade ball. Anyone can assume any persona that he or she wants. The anonymity allows you to hide behind a facade that you cleverly create. Hence, all you dreams can come true.

I see this happen all the time. Most people online are misleading, at best, and complete fakes, at worst. They play their games in an effort to alter the reality that is their existence. Suddenly the bald, dumpy man is Bard Pitt while the overweight, chain smoking woman is Angelina Jolie. Also, our participants are able to mix in all the experience they can garner by simply reading a few web pages. It matters little if there was ever one day spent in a particular lifestyle. As long as one can talk-the-talk, there are no worries.

The attraction to online, especially in BDSM, is all the ups without the downs. Relationships are hard work. We all know that. People who interact with one another on a daily basis go through times of turmoil. This truth is multiplied when deep emotions are involved.

Online "relationships" allow all to "play" without dealing with the negative consequences. If a situation arises that one does not want to deal with, simply stay offline. That solves the problem. Real life differs in that we are not afforded this luxury. People have to deal with life circumstances which are often uncomfortable and upsetting. Online relieves us of this obligation.

Another aspect to online is that we can always put our best foot forward. Since we are dealing in fantasy, there is no need to reveal our true selves. Therefore, that drinking or drug problem is quickly hidden. The continual fight that one battles with his or her temper is not evident online. Whatever the quirk, it can be covered up in this fantasy world. Sadly, reality allows all our defects to some through.

My conclusion that online is stuff that fairy tales are made of. While I acknowledge the incredible wealth of information that is now available, the truth is the Internet allows misguided people to delve deeper into their anti-social behavior. Online relationships are not true relationships. They lack any human interaction. Those who believe them to be real suffer from delusions which might need professional help. They seem to have bigger issues other than just seeking a "pen pal".

Be wise in your use of the Internet. In the BDSM world, it is a wonderful tool to gain some knowledge and to meet people. You now have the ability to tap into people all over the world. However, be judicious in the emotion that you put into anyone you meet online. And, as soon as you can, get some real human interaction involved in the relationship. Start moving the process into real time.

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What Do I Tell?

This is a question that many subs/slaves ask themselves on a daily basis. What do I tell Him (or Her)? People often are confused just what they are suppose to take to the Dom/Master and what to keep inside. Naturally, without guidance, this can be a confusing proposition.

The job of a submissive type is to make the life of the dominant one easier. This is a topic which I write about quite often. However, there are certain things that a Dom/Master can help a submissive one straighten out. Therefore, most situations need to be brought forward.

I found that submissives will fall into one of two extreme categories. Either they want to tell the dominant one everything or keep it all within. Neither of these is a satisfactory solution.

Let us start with the one who wants to share all. As I just stated, it is her place to make His life easier. By taking every single incident to the Dom/Master, one ends up overburdening Him. Personally, I do not need to know every detail of the rift with the checkout girl at the supermarket. By the same token, there are certain conflicts which a Dom/Master can help one overcome. This is why there are certain things that should be brought to His attention.

I recently had this occur with one of my slaves. She is in a situation that is ongoing for the last few months. Everywhere she turned there was another roadblock. It got to the point where she was at her wits end. My slave knows I have a lot going on and she realizes her place is to unburden my life. Thus, she felt that it proper to not affect me with this dilemma.

Nevertheless, I sensed her frustration when talking to her on the phone. After some badgering, she revealed what the problem was. Within a few minutes, she was on the phone pursuing another solution. As of this moment the situation is still unresolved, but there are others now working on the problem.

Obviously, I cannot give you specific guidelines as to what is appropriate to bring to your dominant one. Each person is different so what I want mentioned might differ from someone else. Nevertheless, there are a few ideas worth mentioning.

To start, try to solve the problem yourself. Take a shot at arriving at a solution on your own. If there is a place that needs to be called, place that call to see if you get results. The best thing to bring to a Dom/Master is a resolved situation instead of a problem.

If there is something that needs mentioning, avoid complaining, finger pointing, and bitching. Like they said in Dragnet, "Stick to the facts ma'am". Tell him what is going on in as factual a way as possible.

Finally, clearly define your problem. It is stated that a problem clearly defined is half solved. Nothing frustrates me more than when a submissive brings a plethora of garbage to me that has no bearing on anything. Make sure that what you are focusing upon is the core issue. We can deal with that. Mishmash of ideas are more difficult to decipher.

These are just a few ideas to help with the communication with your Dom/Master. I would suggest that if you are going to err, it is better to tell him more than less. Withholding information from him is never a good habit to get into.

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Making A Master's Life Easier

The other day I came across a post mentioning the idea of a sub/slave trying to get negative attention. In short, this is childish and immature. It is also manipulative. Any slave who engages in this behavior ought to be dealt with severely.

A slave's exists for only one reason: to make the life of a Master easier. What other job does she fill? A Master is the one who determines how to use her best. When one is feeling neglected and seeking attention, she is deciding how much is appropriate. This is a classic example of topping from the bottom.

Obedience is how a slave makes a Master's life easier. A slave is to listen to the instructions of her Master. His word is law. This is the design of the M/s relationship.

My experience is that a slave tends to insert her will into the relationship periodically. Many seem to be emotionally unstable. It is sad, but this is where much of the childish behavior comes from. Being a Master often resembles parenting; many of the same techniques need to be applied.

In the end, a slave should be always available to her Master. The exception to this policy is when children are involved and she must attend to them. I have seen firsthand where the behavior will not match this concept. Again, this is a disappointment to a Master. A slave needs to remember her place in the relationship. We live an extreme lifestyle for a reason.

This is a simple concept to understand but so difficult to implement. You will find that a slave is often self centered and thinking about her wants. I can only presume this is human nature. Of course, the situation is only magnified when one is in a poly situation. Nevertheless, a Master needs to make it clear who is in charge. Manipulation is intolerable.

To all the slaves that are out there: today, just focus on making your Master's life easier. That is your job.

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Those Who Scream The Loudest

Does anyone remember Joe Isuzu. He was a character in the Isuzu commercials a number of years back. He use to make all kinds of outrageous claims followed by "Trust Me". Of course, this was said with a smile that resembles the one on the cat after eating the canary.

I bring this trip down memory lane up to emphasize how words mean little. Joe Isuzu was know for asking people to trust him. Naturally, most saw right through him. It is like buying a used car from a guy named "Honest Ed". The odds are great that he is less than honest.

Those who need to proclaim to be something usually are not. This is the way it is. True people do not need the self promotion to convince others of how they are. This is reflected in what they do and how they carry themselves. If I have to tell you how successful I am, the odds are that I am not.

I see many online who have to "scream" to get their point across. They take the approach "I am right, you are wrong". Yet, when one takes a look at who they are, we quickly learn they are nothing more than online trouble makers. The truth is they have no basis in reality. Online "Masters" or "slaves" are living in a world of fantasy. They know nothing when it comes to living in a real live BDSM relationship.

The online community has many ways to distinguish one's "place". The use of capital versus lower cased letters in the names is a prime example. I guess this is okay. But, what really get me, is the Y/you type writing. Who talks like that in real life other than someone who stutters. Perhaps those are the people they are trying to get across to. Nevertheless, the ones who use this writing are the ones who believe they have a clue as to what real time entails. They do not.

I have met many people who spent decades living this way of life. They are not into all this horse and nanny stuff we see online. They are too busy living. The online community has the people who want to claim to instantly be a Master. Being a medium that hides one's identity, this is difficult to uncover. However, put that same person in a real life situation with other Masters and he will be uncovered for the fraud he is.

Be wary of those screaming the loudest. When one is jumping from site to site causing havoc, it is usually a sign this person does not drift from the virtual world. One thing I noticed about the old-time BDSM people, they will express a view if asked. Other than that, they are going about their life.

Remember that nobody ever erected a statue for a critic.

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Can't Pick and Choose

Of late, I am focusing on the Master/slave aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. I am doing this because this tends to be an area where there is a great deal of misinformation. Since the commitment level is higher in terms of submission, the opportunity exists for many to get hurt. Much of this pain stems from the fact that people are ill-informed about what this way of life is all about.

I mentioned numerous times that what separates M/s from any other lifestyle is the complete and absolute exchange of power. This is the foundation for this way of life which all else is built upon. Simply, the slave cedes all power and control over to the Master/Mistress. Nothing is retained. The transference is complete.

Amazingly, this single idea is confused to all hell. I see too many who want to pick and choose where they will obey. This is not how it works. If this is the lifestyle you desire, then find someone who is willing to accept a sub where there are limits set for the power. However, if you want to call yourself a slave, then be willing to accept the way the life is.

Without a doubt, hard limits will exist. There are a variety of reasons for this. The most common one is the fact that many suffer the psychological effects of past abuse. In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how handling the psychology of the lifestyle in a safe manner is crucial. Many have not had the help necessary to overcome these pass abuses. For that reason, a Master (Mistress) needs to be aware and conscious of these limits.

That being said, there are many things which are not hard limits yet some try to claim they are. This is manipulative and a reason for release. Someone who is suited to be a sub should not try and pretend to be a slave. This is a way of life which few can excel at. It takes humility, patience, and effort to learn to live as a 24/7 slave. Everything we are taught as a society goes against the nature of this lifestyle. It is almost as if one needs to unlearn all that he or she was taught before learning more.

Once the submission occurs, the only choice involved is on the part of the Master. A slave is responsible for being obedient and making a Master's life easier. It is not her (or his) place to attempt to dictate the terms of the arrangement. That should be handled before the submission. Once the decision is made to move forward, one needs to live with the consequences of that choice.

There are times when one is told to do something that is repulsive to her. Well, that is the lifestyle. Many fail to consider the fact that there are times when he or she will be overlooked in favor of others. A Master is the one who chooses how time is spent and with whom. The position of a slave is to wait until her Master decides to focus upon her. This could be a few hours or weeks. The choice is his.

It seems that the Internet glorifies and romanticizes this way of life. I presume it is similar to how Hollywood makes marriage appear. The romantic films of old made it seem like all marriages were heavenly. We know that reality is far different. The same is true here. Reality is that the M/s way of life has many facets which are orgasmic. However, there are just as many things which are downright frustrating. A M/s relationship is work. Anyone entering this way of life must be willing to put in the effort.

So, in conclusion, a slave's place is to obey. He or she is not at liberty to discard what the Master says. Real time people know there are consequences for disregarding instructions. The ultimate fate will be release. No Master wants to continually deal with a disobedient slave. Repeated activity to this degree will alert him to the fact that perhaps this person belongs in a D/s relationship. As I mentioned, few can truly handle this way of life. The power of choice is removed at submission.

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Sir versus Master

The proper way to address One seems to cause confusion among many new people. I know there are different philosophies based upon individual preference and background. However, I see a general trend which seems to encompass most disciplines.

Respect for One in the position of dominance is a central part of the lifestyle. This is true for the sub who is being dominated during a scene and for a slave living in a 24/7 real time arrangement. The respect that one shows for his/her Dom/Master is obvious to all.

I notice the confusion arise when one interacts with other Doms/Masters. In the BDSM world, the position of a Dom or Master commands respect. It is similar to the office of the President; you might not respect the man but you better respect the office. Here, you might not feel to thrilled about the particular individual but his/her position of dominance is worthy of respect. That is one of the central tenets to the BDSM life.

My philosophy is simple: if I own you, you call me Master. Only those who have submitted to me are able to call me that. Anyone else who is a sub or a slave addresses me as Sir. By the same token, whenever my slaves interact with anther Dom/Master, they address that person as Sir (or Madam/Ma'am if a female). This is a simple way to maintain the proper respect without crossing boundaries.

I know there are some disciplines (mostly online) that have all Masters called just that. To me this shows the disconnect from reality. Anyone who has attended a munch will know how ineffective this is when there are 20-30 people in the same room. It would be like attending a party where everyone was named Dave. Communication would be impossible.

The other aspect of this is that a Master is a personal thing. It is like someone's husband or wife. Do married people go to other married people and call them hubby? Obviously not. The same idea applies here. Master is appropriate if one is owned by Him, otherwise Sir is the address to be used.

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Why This Lifestyle?

Why do people get involved in BDSM? There are probably as many answers to that question as there are people engaging in it. However, I believe the bottom line is that most want to increase their satisfaction in life. There are so many who find that they are unhappy with the traditional mode of relationships. Let's be honest, after a while, sex with the same person can get really boring unless something is done to increase the level of excitement. BDSM fulfills that purpose.

BDSM is a wide arena. Many automatically assume we are referring to images of extreme bondage with suspension from the rafters. BDSM is a lot more than this. It is something as simple as a spanking during sex to the 24/7 M/s lifestyle. In between there is room for a great deal of flexibility.

Life is miserable for many. We see it everyday on the streets. People hate their jobs, are in unhappy marriages, and now have a multitude of financial problems to deal with. This causes an enormous amount of stress for people to deal with. They need a release and BDSM is a way to get that.

BDSM is about experimentation. Those who are seeking to enhance their sex lives can do so by toying with different aspects of the lifestyle. The journey into personal domination/submission is an interesting one. It is always fun to experience the different feelings of giving up control versus receiving it. I believe most have a general idea where they fall on the scale. However, there are many who are unsure meaning they will test both sides of the equation. A true dominant, for example, will not take to being tied up. You can see it on his/her face.

This brings us to another aspect of why people choose BDSM; to fulfill an inner desire that goes to their core. Since most do not engage in deep self searching, few know what is truly at their core. There is a percentage of the population that is overwhelmingly dominant and a similar percentage submissive. These are the people who are designed to engage in M/s or some other extreme aspect of the relationship. Their inner desires are unquestioned. Sadly, many are misled by what they see within themselves since society has a way of conditioning us into believing that domination is more admirable than submission. This is untrue. Yet, there is the Western belief that servitude is something to look down upon.

Either way, those who get honest with themselves realize they can receive a lot by choosing the BDSM lifestyle. Many feel uncertain initially and that is understandable. However, with the proper guidance and information, you will find there is a lot to this way of life. It is a community that is full of average people doing extraordinary things. BDSM has the potential to make all your dreams come true if you embrace it to that degree. This way of life is how I fulfill my heavenly desires.



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