Out of Control

I want to relate to you a story that was told to me that can apply to the BDSM lifestyle.  There was a guy who had counseled others for about 20 years.  This guy was one who knew all the right things to say.  In fact, when needed, he could get a bit harsh with people in an effort to get them to stop deluding themselves.  However, he was also one who didnt practice what he preached.  It was unveiled that this gentleman, a person who assisted others with their emotional situations, had a great deal of road rage (I am sure there were other things but this is what I was told).  Ultimately, this is what caused his early demise.  It seems he had a habit of driving in excess of 100 mph to work (he traveled through a remote area).  As you can guess, one morning his luck ran out.  The sad part of this story is that he died in a head on collision with another vehicle while trying to pass on a double yellow line.  Therefore, he lack of emotional control not only cost him his life, but the life of an innocent person. 

The reason why I bring this up is because I see so many in the BDSM community (especially online) who have lives that are completely out of control.  What causes me dismay is these people claim to be "Masters".  Masters of what is my question.  If someone cannot control their own life, how can they expect to control that of another person?  To me, this is just common sense.  I recently was watching a motivational video and there was a phrase that really struck me: if you cant handle cleaning the dishes properly, how can you expect to properly run a fortune 500 company?  I see this same analogy applying to "Masters".  If a person's (dominant) life is a total mess, I find it hard to believe that he or she will be able to adequately run that of another.

Out of control people are that way for a reason.  It is the habits and knowledge that we apply that lead to the results we get.  Take the area of money.  Many people are flat broke.  For some, this is an understandable outcome of some trying circumstances.  However, there are others who simply are inadequate at the managing of finances.  Sadly, it is these same people who demand that a slave turn all her wages over to him.  For what reason?  All evidence points to the fact that he will simply waste the money.  Why?  His ability in this area is out of control.  He is one who is ill suited for this responsibility.  Until one can do for oneself, he or she cannot do for another.

Remember this the next time you encounter someone who is going to be in a position to make decisions in your life.  What is his/her success rate on their own.  Just because someone talks about emotional control, that doesnt mean that he is cured of his road rage.  And, as the aforementioned story indicated, the outcomes can be catastrophic.

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The Bullcrap

We all know that there is a lot of garbage that takes place online involving this way of life. Each of us has a story about how someone misled or lied to us. There was the online interaction with that person who was so real only to find out one day he/she up and vanished. The tales are endless regardless the heartbreak that occurs online. Nevertheless, it is something that must be overcome.

Commitment

One needs to be committed to this way of life. This can be difficult for those whose first experience is a horrible one. The only thing I can say is to hang in there. If you are one who is designed to live this way, then it is imperative that you remain committed to that end. Without it, I feel people end up drifting aimlessly.

Many find BDSM online and approach it like buying a car. They are "going to test the waters". This is done by signing up for a site and finding someone to be involved in. Since there are so many who are willing online, this can take place in a matter of days. Naturally, since there was very little contact, each party has no real knowledge of the other. After a few weeks, or perhaps a month, we find our new person completely turned off to this way of life because what was presented turned out to be lies. Hence the "water testing" is complete.

Was this person designed for BDSM? There is no way to tell. So many fall into the same trap. Over the years, I have stressed how crucial it is to make time your ally. Do not rush into anything. Operate from the premise that you have the rest of your life to live this way and learn all you can. Knowledge is the one true way to sift through the bull crap that exists online. The pretenders games are rather easy to see through once you are adept at recognizing their signs. Of course, this takes commitment.

Resolve

Have you ever met someone who had a resolve to accomplish something. This person, at times, will come off as stubborn or bullheaded. The reason for this is because that determined focus cannot be swayed. A person with a high resolve in a particular area had committed entirely in his or her mind that the outcome desired is exactly how it is going to be. And that individual is going to do everything possible to make that come true.

Success in the BDSM world, especially when dealing with the online antics, requires this resolve. I have a simple question for you: who's life is it anyway? If one is going to be swayed by the actions of some anonymous person who really is nothing more than a screen name, then what does that say about his/her ability to decide the direction of life? The truth it says that one gives power over to others (and not in a healthy BDSM way either). A lack of resolve means that one is willing to forgo something potentially wonderful because of a bad experience.

Here is another question: how many of you had a bad dating experience? What I mean by this, did you ever get involve with someone where emotional pain was the result? The answer for most all of us is "yes". So, how come people still date in spite of the bad experience? Certainly, after one heart-wrenching situation, the person would at least change sexual orientation. How come this does not occur? The reason is that people, when it comes to dating, have the resolve to move past the prior situation in hopes of finding something wonderful. Even without buying into the fairy tale, we know that relationships can be very fulfilling. Nevertheless, few of us ever get the first one (or ten) right. We persevere in spite of the pain that is caused at times.

Persistence

Ultimately, we need to cast all the bull crap aside. To start, this is part of the online world (I could make the case it is also a major part of life in general). It is not exclusive to BDSM. Any online arena is going to witness the same antics. The methodology does not change. Anonymity offers some positives and negatives. It is the nature of the medium called the Internet so we might as well accept it.

However, that does not mean that we all what occurs to alter our direction. If you are a submissive seeking to live under the control of another, then that is something that you should seek. Persist in your endeavor to live that way. Do not back off it no matter what you encounter. I will promise that if you spend enough time online, liars, scammers, and dishonest people are a part of your future. That is not meant to get you down but, rather, make you aware of what occurs. At the same time I will tell you to brush off the negative garbage you encounter and show some persistence. We are seeking a "needle in a haystack" so effort is required. As mentioned in the dating world, few of us get things right the first time.

If you are committed to finding what you need in this lifestyle, resolve to that outcome, and are persistent in your actions, then you will find BDSM success. It is not an easy path, especially online, but it is well worth it. I wish you the best.

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Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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Goals In BDSM

Self help and productivity experts all over the world profess the value of goal setting. The mantra is "it is impossible to get somewhere without first knowing where you are going". Obviously, there is great truth to this statement. Repeatedly, those with a clear vision of what they hope to accomplish ultimately arrive at that destination. This is remarkably different than those who opt to just "float through life" hoping to arrive at a place where they can enjoy life. Without going into details, many qualities pertain to this place which result in the fulfillment of a particular individual.

BDSM: A Microcosm of Life In General

It is always amazing to me how so many people enter the BDSM lifestyle believing that somehow they were transformed into something resembling the Twilight Zone. For whatever reason, these individuals feel that the basic laws of life are no longer valid upon entering a BDSM relationship. Obviously, there is a vast difference in how one operates in the BDSM world as compared to the vanilla lifestyle. Nonetheless, most of what was learned in the traditional realm is equally applicable.

If our lives resembled what we see in BDSM videos, then I might be persuaded to retract the aforementioned statement. However, since I know for a fact that most of us do not live in this manner 24/7, I will stand by what I wrote. The truth is that we operate within the traditional realm on a daily basis. How we choose to structure our relationships is a personal choice. Yet, this does not absolve us from interacting with other people within our community and workplace. At the same time, we know that none of us are protected from the regular problems of life. Financial, health, personal, and family are just a few of the areas where, periodically, we suffer. The approach to these situations has little to do with our chosen lifestyle. Ultimately, life is just life and we are fortunate to partake in it the same as everyone else.

The bottom line is BDSM is just a microcosm of life in general.

Where Are You Going?

Getting back to the original idea, goal setting is an exercise that answers the question: where are you going? It is something that people from all walks of life engage in. Certainly, we see the advantage to it in sports where the desired result is a championship. Business often sets sales and productivity goals as a means of laying a path for people to follow. At the same time, people, in their personal lives, establish things they would like to accomplish while on this planet. In all these situations, goals are a tool utilized to provide clarity in an uncertain world.

So, my question is how come people in the BDSM world do not do the same thing? In other words, how many of you have clearly defined outcomes in certain aspects of the BDSM lifestyle? From my interaction with others over the years, I can state that it is very few. Most people simply have the goal to be in a BDSM relationship (to live TPE, 24/7, be owned/own, etc...). While this is a wonderful starting point, it barely suffices.

I believe part of the problem is that most people want to jump from novice to expert immediately without realizing there is a progression that takes place. For instance, just because someone claims he or she is a slave, that does not mean the individual is ready to live as one today. The same is true for those professing to be Masters. It takes a while to attain competence in either of these areas. Yet few seem to realize that, at least initially.

Goals will help one to develop and grow. BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle with many aspects that stray far from the norm. Those who safely engage in some of these practices spent years learning and studying what it is all about. While this might seem obvious, the idea that is missed is that this individual, at some point in time, make it a goal to enhance the skill set in this area. Without doing some, and committing to it, one would have nothing more than a passing fancy.

Therefore, I challenge everyone to establish goals as it pertains to your BDSM life. If you havent done so already, write down what you want. Are there areas of play that you are interesting in pursuing? If so, get it on paper. What skills do you need to acquire or are required in another person to make this happen? Questions such as these allow you to expand upon the present mindset of "I want a relationship" or "I want more out of my relationship". The idea is to get specific. What is it that you want? I maintain that a BDSM relationship can only happen after an internal search is undertaken. This is a method to get you to look inward to determine what will lead you to fulfillment. Gaining clarity will help you along the path because you will have an idea of exactly where you are going.

And that will put you ahead of most people on this planet who are just floating along waiting for the next thing (whatever that is) to arise.

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When Protocol Forsters Weakness

Protocol can be a wonderful thing that really enhances our experience in different areas of life. While it can be called many things, the term that is most often used is "traditions". Many organization and individuals adhere to different traditions. It is a way to remain in touch with the past, promote ritual, and foster an atmosphere of comfort. However, I see a downside to protocol especially in the BDSM world.

Protocol is a form of Dogma

Personally, I am one who detests dogma, especially when it is blindly swallowed as fact. Individuals and institutions have used this single mechanism as a means to control and enslave people throughout the centuries. The powerful manipulate it as a means of instilling their beliefs upon others. One only needs to look down through the ages to see how this was accomplished.

The main problem with dogma is that it suppresses individual thought. People who blindly adhere do not take the time to inquire as to the validity of the beliefs they hold to be true. Obedience is the main virtue and those who stray from the norm are ostracized. Being a free thinker leads on to living as an outcast. Fortunately, for the powerful, these people are few in numbers. Most blindly follow the dogma being delivered without question.

Protocol in the BDSM World

Obedience and control are words that are often used in the BDSM world and it would make sense that including something that fosters this is helpful. However, my feeling is that before one is obedient and controlled, he or she needs to be aware of what is going on. Dogma does not offer this option. When one is "forced" to adhere to what is presented without any thought as to its practicality or benefit, that is when one is in a dangerous position. Safety is something we are always concerned about and few realize the peril that goes along with turning beliefs over to another.

Therefore, it is beneficial to be mindful of what protocols we have and how we adhere to them. Are they a bad thing? Not necessarily as long as those who are partaking keep them in the proper perspective.

For example, there are all kinds of protocols as to how a sub should address a dominant. Many people take this very seriously and are highly offended if someone does not show them the proper respect. To me, this shows an extreme insecurity on the part of the dominant. Why would someone get offended if someone did not show the proper respect, especially online? My only conclusion is that individual has tied a lot of his/her esteem into the title or position that was created in the mind. The truth is people behave in many different ways and if one ties his/her worth to how others interact, it is going to be a depressing existence.

Another point that I want to make is in the area of laziness. Protocol is helpful in that it offers a structure of how to proceed. We see this in the BDSM world with the Gorean philosophy. There are many protocols which were written that can be helpful as an outline of how to interact with others. However, I feel the danger lies in focusing too much upon the protocol to the point where one, namely the dominant, becomes lazy and indecisive. There are many instances in life where the works of John Norman simply do not offer answers. Each relationship is different and based upon the individuals involved. To claim there is a certain way to do things in all instances is harmful and dangerous. A dominant is responsible for determining the direction of the relationship at all time. Good decisions making skills are crucial. In my opinion, those who rely completely upon pre-written protocol are weakened. They lose the ability to be creative, decisive, and confident.

And this is where protocol can become a weakness.

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Being Fit...Very Impactful

The Internet has done a wonderful job promoting the imagery associated with the BDSM lifestyle. While much of it is fantasy based, it is safe to say that sites like kink.com captured the imagination of many people. The idea of being part of a dungeon scene, for example, is attractive to many people. Concepts such as these are developed with the intention of grabbing people in this manner. Of course, most of these sites want to sell their videos but, nonetheless, the impression is made.

Physical Imagery

BDSM videos contain a great deal of imagery. I am a believer that this is one of the reasons why they sell so well. People are seeking the fantasy in their lives. At the same time, I also believe that what goes on in our heads can also be achieved in our lives. Thus, people can carry out many different aspects of the BDSM scenes they see in movies. The only caveat is that safety needs consideration at all times.

I see so many online who are simply out of shape. Why is this important? My view is that the imagery that attracts us online will also be helpful in a relationship. In other words, people respond to what they see and the more one can mirror the image in one's mind, the more effective he or she will be.

There are a lot of dominants out there who are physically weak. They have bodies that were created by Dunkin Donuts as opposed to Gold's Gym. Their level of exercise is none. Instead of taking care of themselves, they sit on the couch and stuff their faces. Yet, these same people claim to be in control. How can that be if one cannot even control what he or she eats? Of course, I will issue the disclaimer so as not to offend those who do have medical conditions which prevent weight loss. Anyone who fits into this category needs to follow the proper medical care. However, since reports have the obesity rate reaching the majority of adults, I find it hard to believe all of them suffer from this condition.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason why I feel it necessary for a dominant to be mindful of his/her body is because of the assumption of the position of power. In all honesty, do you think a submissive will respond more to one who is visually built like a Greek God or one who is 150 pounds overweight? In terms of the imagery, he or she will respond to the one who is better built.

Now, that is not to say that all of us can get a chiseled body. Nevertheless, almost all of us can do those things which will improve our physical appearance. Walking will take off a few pounds while increasing our cardio ability. This improves endurance during a BDSM scene. In all, it makes the experience more pleasurable for a submissive.

At the same time, it is equally as important for a submissive to approach things in the same manner. Getting back to the videos, how many of them do you see with women being suspended who are really overweight? The answer is very few. Again, the image presented is an ideal that we all can strive for.

The health benefits of being in shape are too numerous to list here. However, the point is that one who takes the time to get him or herself in better physical condition will be more effective in the search for others. Also, the pride in taking care of oneself, whether dominant or submissive, shows that you are a person worthy for one to get involved with. The impact that one has with a finely tuned body is outstanding. Consider this the next time you put on that leather vest. Imagine how your sub/slave will respond if it covers a barrel chest and tight abs.

Emotional Control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person's behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always "calm, cool, and collected". We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually "walking on eggshells". This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

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Self Growth

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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The Multiple Game

We all know there are many games that are played online. Hell, even in real life people are apt to do things that will make your head spin. Having a strong ethical base seems lax in this era and those who are genuine tend to suffer because of it. Of course, the online world has made it ripe for those individuals with less than ethical intentions to excel. So, how are we to navigate through it all.

Understanding What Is Happening

The best way to succeed in this realm is to understand what is taking place. Few are able to create something that is so novel that nobody has seen it before. The trollers all tend to do the same thing regardless of the time and place. Those of us who are online for the last 5 or 10 years witnessed the same tricks being played repeatedly.

Ultimately, it is best to have reservations about anyone you are dealing with online. Until some form of traditional communication is implemented, I would suggest being leery of whatever is told to you. The bottom line is that no matter how much you investigate someone, there is really no way to know if what they are telling you is the truth until you are in front of them (face-to-face). Sure, there are some who are open online, but I would say that is the minority. The majority tend to have ulterior motives.

Multiple Game

A common situation I witness is where a person tends to play the numbers game. Also known as the multiple game, a person of this ilk tends to interact with a large number of people in his/her quest to find what is desired.

Before going any further, I will caveat to make the point there is nothing wrong with "casting a wide net" when prospecting for a Master or slave. The traditional world also sees this technique used when dating. As teenagers, we are taught to go out with different people and not to fall for the first one who comes along. At this stage in life, it is healthy to be carefree and open. Of course, when we find someone we believe suits our needs, then we get a bit more serious.

The same is true in the BDSM world. Anyone who has success his/her first foray is extremely lucky. This is a rarity and everyone should resist the temptation to believe it is the norm. If you are interacting with your first Master or slave and believe this is "the one", remember that it is likely to fall apart in the near future. This is simply how the statistics work out.

One who is playing the multiple game goes above and beyond the traditional "seeing what is out there". This person tends to be dishonest in the sense that he or she continues to interact with many in a way that gives the belief that something more will develop. It is not uncommon to learn of a person who has 5 or 6 Masters. Obviously, most, if not all of them, believed they were the only one she had. At the same time, it is also noticeable to see one progressing deeper with a few different people long past the point where he or she should have made a choice. Ultimately, someone gets hurt in this scenario.

Openness

What is the solution to the above mentioned problems? Simple. It is openness. The BDSM is one of enormous flexibility. If you look around, you will see every imaginable scenario being lived by people. There is nothing new that anyone can uncover. We have people who are poly, sexually open, monogamous, threesomes, foursomes, communal living, fetish based, sex buddies, etc... Whatever you desire, it is out there for you.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that everyone you will encounter is after the same thing. This means that one will have to choose at some point. Many interactions soon fade because people do not share like interests. Having similar BDSM likes gets old if there is nothing else. For example, if one loves the tropics but has a Master in Northern Canada, that might create an issue at some point. Often the obvious is overlooked.

Those who play the multiple Master or slave game are not trying to narrow things down to find what he or she desires. Instead, this person is stringing one (or more) person along. It is impossible to serve two Masters. In many instances, unless one is openly setting up a poly household, it is not feasible to have multiple slaves. This two scenarios magnify if one tries to transition anything into real time. Ultimately, the truth comes out and that is where pain is incurred.

Anyone who is open about themselves will not have an issue in this arena. It is perfectly acceptable to chat/talk with a few different people. Nevertheless, when one progresses to the point of mentioning relocating, of putting forth a greater commitment, or somehow taking the relationship to a deeper level, I believe it is only prudent to be open about what is going on. Anyone who is still playing the multiple game at this point is showing him or herself to be nothing more than a troller. The inherent dishonesty associated with this action leaves one to completely without trust. This is not what a genuine person does.

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Being Adult

Why do I title this post in such a way? My reasoning is simple: because too many people, in my observation, enter the BDSM world in a manner that is only befitting of a child. Their behavior, both online and in person, is abysmal. For this reason I figured I would deliver the message that it is time to grow up.

Miserable Failures

I see so many who come upon this way of life after being complete failures in their traditional lives. This stands to reason since most all of us are here because the vanilla world simply did not suit us. However, there is a percentage of our population who take this even further. In addition to being ill-equipped to deal with parity-based relationships, they show a complete inability to deal with life in general. And this is where the problems arise.

BDSM is not an avenue of escape. Too many determine this lifestyle offers the chance to rid oneself of responsibility. After having so many relationships (platonic in addition to sexual), our new dominants and subs conclude that BDSM is a way to shun all the problems. Of course, anyone who has any sense of practicality knows this is not the case.

Failure quickly ensures for people who take this approach. I see many "slaves", as an example, who proclaim on websites that they are looking for a Master "to take care of them". Certainly, any true Master knows this is par for the course. However, the slaves in question believe that being taken care of equates to a complete lack of responsibility. Any slave who feels he or she does not have to behave in a responsible manner or that feels everything will be removed from him/her are of no use to anyone. A good slave has many responsibilities that are assigned to her. Therefore, to conclude that the life of a slave is without onus are setting themselves for a harsh reality check.

Pragmatic Versus Fantasy

Part of being adult is being pragmatic about things. Certainly, it is a healthy exercise to dream, set goals, plan for the future, and, yes, even fantasize. However, these have to be balanced with a pragmatic outlook. Life is not lived solely in compliance with emotions nor does logic total rule. There needs to be a blending of the two to succeed.

We see those who arrive at sites online with the fairy tale outlook upon life. To start, they are thrilled to have found something that strikes a deep cord within them. I can appreciate this. I equate this initial realization to the feeling of finally coming home. My personal story attests to this. Nevertheless, the nirvana does not end there. Suddenly this individual "meets" someone online and, thus, begins the whirlwind love affair. Our new person goes from being excited to completely illogical in a matter of a few days. This is where we see the posts proclaiming love for the Master or slave forever.

In most cases this is purely fantasy and we usually see things peter out in a matter of a few weeks. In most instances, the truth does eventually emerge; the other individual was not exactly the person he or she proclaimed to be. This is commonplace. Anyone who looks at things pragmatically understands this and exercises a degree of caution. Only a child runs out into traffic without looking. Adults knows that a certain amount of investigation and relationship building is necessary before proclamations can be made. Over time, wonderful relationships can emerge that start online, but they take time and effort to develop. They also require the use of traditional modes of communication such as the telephone and in person visits. Without these, one is "falling in love" with words on a screen. Who knows if they are even real.

18 and Over

The final piece that I want to touch upon is the fact that we deal in a lifestyle that is adult in nature. Many people seem to miss this point. Instead, they behave in a manner that is befitting the bingo parlor. The fact is we are adults and discuss issues that are not meant for immature ears.

I am always amazed at how easily people are offended. The BDSM world, especially online, can have a bit of the wild west feel to it. In other words, almost anything goes. There are many different outlooks upon life and the lifestyle, thus increasing the chance you will encounter those who do not agree with your views. In addition, many people focus their attention upon sexual issues, oftentimes in great detail. If words such as cock, cunt, pussy, and ass offend you, perhaps heading back to match.com is a good move for you. Many sites require that you click that you are at least 18 years of age since the topics are adult oriented.

Another aspect to the Puritan outlook we often see pertains to sex itself. I am equally astonished how uptight some people are even when claiming to be in this lifestyle. There are many different aspects to BDSM and there will be some things that arent for you. However, just because it is not your flavor, that does not mean it is disgusting or perverted. That is the mentality that many of us are trying to get away from. Judgments, while always present, are to be kept to a minimum. There are people you will encounter who are into things you can only imagine. Every walk of life is represented in BDSM and some people live in completely outrageous manners. That is their business. If you dont want to have sex with a roomful of people, that is your choice. Nevertheless, be adult when dealing with someone who does (or did) and leave your ideals at the door. It is their life just as you have yours.

In closing, try to approach how we live in befitting of an adult. This is not Romper Room even those many of us does have a room full of toys.

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20 Things I Realized In The Last 30 Days

These are realizations or reaffirmations that I made in the last 30 days....

1. If one pain slut is good...two are better.
2. There is no other place in the country that I want to live other than Florida.
3. Electrical play is really exciting
4. My shower isnt made for three people but we managed to make it work.
5. I feel a lot better when I dedicate myself to my workouts and put forth top effort.
6. I really will not miss the NBA season
7. The Mets sucked this year.
8. I really dislike the Yankees
9. Saving a dollar is equal to a $1.40 return when investing
10. The 'Peter Principle" is continually being proven
11. It is easier to accept people for what they are than try to change them
12. A telephone cord leaves the best marks on a submissive
13. Plans become more realistic when a deadline is placed upon them.
14. We only get one life...so use it how you see fit.
15. Worrying about what other people think and trying to please them is like getting financial advice from a broke man.
16. People most often go bankrupt $20 at a time
17. Closed mindedness leads to mental bondage
18. Society is a big fat liar
19. The most important value is freedom...sadly few realize this until they lose it
20. BDSM will penetrate every area of your thinking and, thus, your life if you truly embrace it.

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Obedience Is The Key

What is the foundation of every BDSM relationship. At the core, it is the exchange of power. This is what separates the BDSM interaction from the vanilla world. We do not partake in equality but, rather, establish our relationships upon an unequal footing. This is the essence of power exchange. And, at the core of that, is obedience. Without obedience, the BDSM dynamic completely falls apart.

Consensual World

We operate in a lifestyle that advocates consent. It seems ironic given when we use terms such as bondage and slave that consent is at the heart of all we do. Yet, without this, we simply are engaging in abusive behavior. Consent is what makes it a viable alternative to the vanilla world. Most do not want to turn to a lifestyle where they are abused. Instead, they are attracted to BDSM as a means of fulfilling an inner desire within themselves. Of course, to get to the depth that one wants to achieve, consent is required.

I see so many who demand obedience without earning the right to do that. This is a tactic the pretendesr use quite often and the newer people tend to fall for. Obedience is at the core of BDSM interaction. However, before one can obey another, he or she needs to be absolutely certain that the person being dealt with is worthy of that. Too many portray an image that is misleading.

Removal Of Choices

A slave yearns to have his/her choices removed. At the same time, a Master wants the directives set down followed without question. Again, in a healthy M/s relationship, this is what transpires. Sadly, few interactions fall into this category.

Decision-making is not something the population in general excels out. We are taught to be followers as opposed to leaders. This creates an interesting dynamic when one enters the BDSM realm on the dominant side. While the natural tendency to take control exists, one has to overcome an extreme about of societal conditioning before that can occur. Today, society promotes the idea that all are equal and hierarchies are bad. This goes in opposition to the main BDSM belief.

For a slave to obey, he or she must feel confident that the person making the decisions is not a lunatic. Most has suffered at the hands of another in previous relationships and, thus, have no desire to follow that same pattern. People enter BDSM seeking a change from what they previously experienced; not to replicate the same outcome.

Takes Time

Many seem to think that the submission process means that a slave agrees to submit to a Master and all is finished. This is a wonderful concept in theory but reality differs greatly. The fact of the matter is that it takes time for one to trust enough to obey completely. As mentioned, past experiences serve as the biggest hindrance since so many suffered in the past in some form. This abuse is not instantly erased from the memory banks.

If you want to see what is important to a submissive, determine what he or she is unwilling to let go of. This will reveal an area that commonly was misused by someone in the past. A dominant will cause a heap of trouble by "pushing" things in this area until he or she has established enough trust and confidence with the submissive. Many relationships are permanently scarred because the proper time was not allocated.

Ultimately, there might come a day when a dominant one needs to assert the power over the submissive and mandate compliance. I found, that when the trust foundation is established, a submissive will be happy to comply even if there is some initial resistance. This is especially true in the M/s realm where a slave, deep down, want to cede it all and be 100% dominated. Every Master should keep this in mind and work towards this outcome.

Obedience should be expected. It is something that is non-negotiable in my view within the BDSM framework. Once the parameters of the relationship are established, a sub/slave is expected to comply within those bounds. However, it is crucial to be mindful of areas of hesitation and what causes them. Consistent decision-making on behalf of the dominant one will go a long way to establishing the foundation with the submissive. It is then that obedience becomes a great deal easier.

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Infinite Possibilities

I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

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How Wide Is BDSM?

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Being Open????

This is a subject that often arises which ultimately leads to some debate. I see many who enter into the lifestyle who want to become evangelists for this way of life. Finally, our new person found the answers to a lifelong dilemma. He or she has a Master (or slave) and all is going to be right with the world. It is time to let everyone, friends, family, co-workers, know exactly what happened. Of course, those of us who are around a little while know how this can end up tragically.

The World Is Full Of Conformists

Society teaches us to conform. That is what the dogma from a very young age is. Religion, politics, schooling, and parents all influence us as to what we are to believe and how we are to behave. Those who toe the line are the ones who are rewarded according to their teachings. The individuals who choose a different path risk being ostracized and being treated as outcasts. We can cite thousands of examples of how this takes place each day.

That being said, it is crucial to remember that BDSM is not a subject that the average person has knowledge of. Perhaps he or she saw a few images online. This left the impression that it is an abusive lifestyle. Therefore, when you tell another, the odds are the immediate thought is "what is wrong with you". At the same time, each person is conditioned to watch for those who stray from the norm. Part of society's power is it uses others as watchdogs. You stray from the path and those closest to you (parents,co-workers, friends, etc...) will instantly go into correcting mode. They say they only want what is best for you and do not want to see you hurt. Ultimately, they are seeking to exert control over you.

Non-conformity does not sit well with most people. Providing a bull-eye on your chest by sharing your decision with others is foolhardy. It is also can be dangerous for those who have children. Since society is not into understanding but, rather, condemning, it is common for the state to step in when it deems children 'at risk'. Therefore, it is vital that people consider the risks associated with being open about their choices.

Lifestyle Promotion

I see many who feel that we should be open, live how we want, and the hell with everyone else. As I just showed, this can have catastrophic results. Thus, I feel it better if people are sensible about what they do.

It would be wonderful if everyone accepted the BDSM lifestyle as they do the traditional. At this point in time, it does not so it is up to us to try and promote it the best we can. Fortunately, we have a model to follow with some of the inroads the homosexual movement made. Each of us can partake in this although the degree will vary.

Being true to oneself is what BDSM is all about. Nevertheless, being true to oneself and being out in the open are two different things. Just because one opts (for whatever reason) to keep the structure of his/her relationship private, that does not mean they are any less involved or committed to this way of life than another. I see that as a fallacy many subscribe to. Some people simply cannot or will not live openly. That is their right and we should not disrespect that in any way.

Today, there are many ways to promote the lifestyle. With the advent of the Internet, we now have the ability to share ideas in a way that previously was not possible. People can post their ideas and views without fear of retaliation since the Internet is an anonymous forum. Also, within one's house, a person can pick and choose who knows about the lifestyle choice, opting only for revelation in those instances where it might be helpful.

Of course, there will always be those who are willing to express their choices to whomever is close by without fear or concern. We need these people also. Whatever your comfort level is how far you should take things. Being open about your choices is a personal matter and one that should not be taken lightly. Do not let the pressure of others dictate what you share. Only you can see the potential downfalls of revealing your choices. Those who feel you should behave as they do are clearly showing their hypocrisy. BDSM is about living how you see fit; not someone else.

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Commitment: The Key

Commitment is a quality that people seem to have lost. There was a time when people were committed to whatever they did. It was an era when "one's word meant something". Today, we see so many who have a more laissez faire approach to things. In other words, they do not want to inject themselves completely into something. This has created a culture where failure is more acceptable.

Willing To Leave In An Instant

There was a concept a couple of generations back where one had something that was termed "lifetime employment". This was a system which one could readily expect to go to work for one company for his entire career. The company was committed to the employees and rarely engaged in layoffs while employees gave everything to the company without thinking about leaving. Of course, today, we see a situation where people will leave a job without even giving notice or the company announcing a layoff of 5,000 people to save money.

Marriage is another area where a shift occurred. This institution was one which, in the past, literally meant "until death do us part". Divorce was uncommon with people regularly hitting 40 and 50 year anniversaries. However, like the job situation, people today enter and exit marriage through a revolving door. If the slightest challenge arises, "irreconcilable differences" are stated as the reason for divorce. Plus, in many instances you can take advantage of the $99 special and get out of that commitment rather inexpensively.

What do both of these situations show? In my mind, I feel they perfectly illustrate how we lack the ability to commit to anything. These are two areas which are paramount in people's lives. Who one spends time with and how a living is earned are two central pillars for most people. Of course, since there is a lack of commitment there, how can one reasonably expect to maintain an exercise program. Without commitment, we are deemed to fail in everything we try.

There Are Always Challenges

In everything we do, there are always challenges. Nothing is without resistance. That is a fact of life. For those who are continually seeking the path with no resistance, they are chasing a dream. Relationships, regardless of the level of intimacy take work. Every success is not without the overcoming of obstacles. Oftentimes, persistence is the quality that determines success or failure. This stems from the level of commitment one has.

BDSM is an environment where I see so many have the lax attitude. What always baffles me is that people look at this lifestyle like they do when shopping for a new car. They want to kick the tires a bit to see if they like it. Certainly, I am all for one researching what he or she is getting into and do believe that most are not designed to live in a power exchange relationship. However, the attitude I see is amongst the people who are supposedly "committed" to this way of life.

Commitment To The Lifestyle First

I am a firm believer that one must commit to the lifestyle before a person. This is a situation that gets reversed. It is a "cart before the horse" idea and ends up with tragic results. If one is not sure of his/her level of commitment to this way of life, then any interaction with another person will lack the necessary commitment needed for success. And, as we so often see, when one encounters obstacles in the relationship, it ends and the person decides BDSM is not for them.

As mentioned, I do not believe everyone is cut out for a lifestyle such as this. Nevertheless, it is awful to see those who could enjoy all the benefits of BDSM toss it away because of a bad experience with a particular person. I am often amazed people take this approach here yet do not have the same idea concerning heterosexuality, as an example. Certainly, few of us stop trying to interact romantically/sexually with the opposite sex simply because our first relationship failed. The reason is because we are committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle. We were heterosexuals first and then interacted with others. Yet, with BDSM, people take the exact opposite approach. No wonder so many enter and leave.

What Does It Mean To Be Committed?

Before I go into an explanation of this, I will provide a disclaimer that I believe is necessary. There are situations encountered everyday that necessitate leaving for one reason or another. Many marriages should be ended immediately with both parties going their separate ways. The same thing with job situations. People should not subject themselves to abuse in any area of life and if that is happening, there is no reason to remain committed. There is a point in time where loyalty gets replaced with stupidity.

That being said, commitment can be summed up very easily: be willing to be successful no matter what. In other words, one has the mindset that he or she is going to do whatever it takes to make the situation successful. Failure is not an option. All action is taken with the intention of working towards the desired outcome. There is no maybe. Certainty is ever present in the mind.

This is a stark difference from how people live their lives. Most are experts at offering up excuses. They have a host of alibis ready to present even before they engage in the activity. Of course, nothing is ever their fault. Passing the blame is a national pastime. This is a recipe we see used all around us.

To succeed in BDSM, as other areas, it takes commitment. My mindset is that my relationship is going to work out long term. I am not willing to allow the challenges of life to sabotage what I am developing. Fear is something that is present within everyone and, left unchecked, can overtake a situation completely. Commitment is something that enables one to overcome this barrier.

Blind faith or senseless optimism is not a valid approach. However, when one is aware of the situation after doing the proper research or diligence, it is helpful to have the committed outlook. Success and failure both start in the mind. Those are willing to do whatever it takes to make a BDSM relationship(s) successful are apt to do just that. This is a major contrast to the one who is willing to sever things as soon as something difficult comes up. Many of the reasons for ending relationships can be overcome with commitment. It is a tool that few consider but is something that can make all the difference. Consider it.

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Fantasy Versus Reality

We have all met people who tend to not be firmly grounded in reality. In many ways they are of benefit to society because they are the dreamers of the world. Nothing great was ever accomplished by a conformist. It is always those people who stray from the normal mode of looking at things who discover things that were not seen before. This goes for inventors, adventurers, researchers, business people, and, even, parents. Doing things differently requires one to 'break the rules'.

Fine Line

As with most things, there is a fine line that one must walk. It is a constant battle when one navigates the tight path between genius and insane. While most seek to operate at the genius level, when breaking from the traditional, it is easy to fall into the insane. It is very easy to lose track of reality.

We see this all the time in the BDSM world, especially when we focus upon the online community. One does not have to travel to far to discover some unsuspecting new person who is completely disconnected from reality. Perhaps he or she read a science fiction novel and believes that is the basis for living as a slave. Or, it is probable that some of the imagery of the porn industry is fresh in that person's mind also leading to a conclusion that this is how the lifestyle is. In talking with these types of individuals, it is easy to see how disconnected from reality they are.

Of course, that does not mean that there are not attributes of the fantasy world that cannot be implemented. We all fantasize to one degree or another. Within the BDSM community, it is common for these thoughts to exist for both sexual and power based activities. Fortunately, as I see it, this is a realm which does allow us to pursue our fantasies in a safe manner. Nevertheless, this cannot be confused with reality.

Dealing With People

BDSM is a microcosm of society in general. Many people seem to think they are exiting the normal realm when they enter this lifestyle. This is not the Twilight Zone where one steps into another dimension. Life is still life. And, because of such, everything we do is nothing more than an exercise in dealing with people.

This is a concept that is often lost, mostly by the online crowd. Ignoring the total fakes for a moment, it is important to remember that the entity on the other end is a person with feelings. The fact that the Internet is so impersonal leads many to forget that one's actions will have an effect. The things we do and say have the power to harm another. I cannot stress this idea enough.

I often write the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship. It is easy to focus upon the kneeling, whips, chains, and the protocol of servitude. However, as those of us who lived in real time know, this is only a small part of our existence. At the same time, many of the aspects of the world of fantasy are simply impractical in real life. For example, can you imagine a slave kneeling when a Master approaches in the middle of Walmart? Obviously, this might garner some attention especially if that couple has children. The same idea holds when one refers to toy collections or playrooms within the house. How practical is having that stuff around when your family visits or if small children are in the house? In my experience, few families are so open-minded to be able to see this (and I know for a fact that children services arent very open-minded about things).

Therefore, since we are dealing with people, it is crucial that one take a realistic approach to BDSM. The simple truth is that all the world's problems will not disappear simply because you found a new way to structure your relationships. Everything that we deal with, medical, financial, and family, are still present in our lives. This is reality. We also need to behave in manners that are befitting the people we are dealing with. If one makes a commitment to another, it is vital this is met. We often find ourselves in situations which decisions are made about one's life based upon our promises. To not fulfill them is going to inflict harm upon another that is outside our rights. Doing everything possible to ensure we keep our promises is another aspect of reality that few want to deal with.

Adding Some Fantasy

A central part of the BDSM lifestyle is growth. All relationships require growth of both the individuals and the couple if it is going to last long term. Again, we see some fantastic opportunities within the BDSM world for this. Since we are into many genres that are so different from the mainstream, one really has the ability to increase his or her skills.

I find that as people remain in the BDSM life, they tend to gravitate towards the more extreme nature of things. My personal opinion is that this is natural since we tend to be inquisitive folks who dont just accept what society promotes without questioning. If that were the case, we probably would never have started the search to begin with. Therefore, as we become proficient in one area, we tend to look towards other things. This is the progression of personal growth.

Does that mean everyone gets into the behavior that is promoted by the porn industry? Of course not. However, for those who are drawn to some of what they see, there is no reason why those 'fantasies' cannot be implemented into those people's lives. Naturally, safety is always the top concern but for those who are able to do so, it is a wonderful way to enhance their BDSM experiences. Maintaining a strong footing in reality while adding a bit of fantasy to one's relationship is always a healthy thing to do.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

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Domination Through Bullying

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.

Strength?

Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.

Domination

One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

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