January 28, 2011

Fear-Based 'Masters'

Here is an email that I received on my Facebook page:

"hello Dennis , i really want to accept you friend request but i cant as i have a Master that does not allow me to accept requests from men ."

Isn't that too bad. Her 'Master' doesn't allow here to accept friend requests from men. Anytime I see this it makes me wonder why that is? What is this incredibly talented example of domination afraid of? Why is his insecurity meter reading 'extreme' when he is such a worthy specimen of the lifestyle.

My answer is that he isn't. Now, I will preface by saying I do not know this man. Therefore, all conclusions are made based upon the general tendencies I have witnessed for years. This is my disclaimer stating that I might be wrong about this dude but I doubt it. Experience is on my side on this one.

Fear of Challenge

The greatest fear that most people who claim to be dominants in the lifestyle have is that they might get challenged. What I mean by this the greatest percentage of people one sees who proclaim to be 'Masters' actually have no clue about what this lifestyle means. Instead, they prey upon the ignorance of newer people. Since they failed to take the time to learn what domination is all about, they use different tactics to ensure their control. These people are not Masters but abusers. It is that plain and simple.

By the way, if you are one who has a Master who does not allow you to interact with others, take that as a sign that you are dealing with a fake. Isolation is one of the most popular techniques of people of this ilk. Those who say they don't want a sub/slave interacting with Dominants (i.e men in most instances) are exhibiting their fear and insecurity. Honestly, does he think that someone is going to steal you away from him. If that is a probable outcome, then I would say that there is a problem in the relationship to begin with.

The Best

Maybe I am off base on this, but as a dominant within the lifestyle, I take the approach that I am the best Master. While many of you will take this to be arrogant, I believe it is the mindset that every true Master has. Now, do not mistake this for believing that I am perfect, that I do not make mistakes, or that I cannot learn more. The truth is that I am human and do not have all the answers. However, I have an inner confidence that tells me that I am at an elevated state within this lifestyle.

I compare this to a professional athlete. Tiger Woods believes he is going to win every golf tournament he enters. Cliff Lee thinks he is going to win each time he takes the mound. Lebron James does not believe anyone can stop him from scoring. Of course, everyone who is competing against these players feels the same way. That is why you see few backing down at this level. The internal confidence reins in all they do.

Again, does that mean these athletes do not work on their craft? No. Oftentimes the greatest athletes spend the most time practicing. The same is true in the BDSM world. I have spent a lot of time studying all the different aspects of human nature and domination. Physical control is the easiest aspect to master. This only requires being able to instill fear-something the abusers excel at. However, true Mastery of another person requires first mastering oneself. And this takes years to develop.

Fear Enters All We Do

The problem with fear is that is it like a cancer. Those who are insecure and full of self-doubt are constantly driven by fear. My reasoning for pointing out the email at the beginning is because this exemplifies how fear operates. Here we have a 'Master' who refuses to allow his slave to interact with other Doms (men). What is his reasoning? Because he is afraid that someone will come in and steal her away. It is that simple. This is a inherent confidence issue men have that dates back to the beginning of time. Of course, the BDSM world takes it to another level since since the online world is full of so many morons who will not respect the fact that someone is owned.

Which brings me to another point in this discussion. I have heard the counterclaim that the reason one does not allow his sub/slave to interact with other men is because of all the trollers out there. I don't but this argument for a second. Two things come to mind when I hear this. To start, it shows that one has no confidence in a sub/slave's ability to tell someone else to get lost. The truth is that most sites have the ability to block those who get unruly. Also, many site administrators will ban those who carry things too far. A simple email will result in the person being warned. This can take care of a great portion of the meatheads you encounter.

Naturally, this will not result in all. And that is the second point: secluding one with an order that she cannot interact with men will not stop people of this ilk. They have no regard for the lifestyle or what others say. Therefore, the only thing one is doing is showing himself to be fear-based and allowing the circumstances of the online world to take control. Not masterly behavior if you ask me. But then again, these people aren't worthy of being called Master in my opinion.

As you can see, fear is a powerful force that we all need to deal with. However, those who want to live as Masters had better take control of it or they are going to fail. Fear will consume you and make you look foolish in the eyes of others, especially the one you own. Be forewarned.

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January 21, 2011

Abuse Within The Lifestyle

I am appalled at how many actually believe that the BDSM world is a forum where one is free to abuse another. This is absolutely insane. Under no circumstances is the abuse of one who is under your control acceptable. I am a believer that if you do that, I ought to get to spend a couple of hours with you under my control. And trust me when I tell you that I know some pretty good torture techniques.


Much of this blog is spent writing about ways to identify the pretenders versus the real lifestyle people. The online community makes it more difficult simply because it is open to everyone with an internet connection. Nevertheless, I spell out what domination is about and what it is not. Those who focus on the physical/sexual are proving themselves to be nothing more than pretenders. Their actions exhibit the simple fact that they have no clue what it takes to be a Dom, let alone, Master.

Domination is not something that one can pretend to excel at. There is no way to fake it unless you are dealing with someone who is completely ignorant of what this lifestyle is all about. Of course, there are thousands of 'subbies' running around who fit that bill. They are the ones who are apt to fall for the crap that these supposed 'doms' spew. Ultimately, the submissive one ends up getting hurt, it is only a matter to what degree. Some are simply heartbroken while others have the living snot beat out of them.

If domination (or Mastery) was about physical intimidation then every battering redneck would be considered a Master. The truth is abuse is abuse. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle does not mean that one has a license to engage in such behavior (or take it). People who are under this misconception should be exposed at every turn. There should be no tolerance for abusive behavior. Being abusive does not equate to being dominant. Imprint this firmly in your mind.


This idea takes on a different meaning when one is involved in the TPE aspect of the lifestyle. Many seem to think that a slave is property (which she is) and, thus, needs to endure whatever is done to her. Again, this is a misconception of epic proportions. We engage in a consensual lifestyle. That means that we each volunteer for what we are involved in. A slave goes to a Master seeking domination, not abusive. Hell, many that I interacted with who are new seem to have that one covered in their life. They didn't need to come to the BDSM world to get slapped around.

Any 'Master' who believes he can abuse a slave physically is a candidate for arrest. It is that simple. I do not care if he is your 'true one'. If he is violent and emotionally out of control, call the cops. This is a concept that most believe foreign. How can a slave call the police on her Master? Simple. She just dials 911 (or 999 UK). There is no great mystery. After that, she does what she has to do to get away from that person.

Some are shocked by this outlook. Here is the reasoning. I could care less how long one is professing to be in the lifestyle, if he is abusive he is not a Master. And, if you are a slave, you need a Master not a nitwit. Thus, you are wasting your time by remaining with someone so boldly unqualified to own you. Contrary to your hopes and optimism, things will not get better.

An Inward Journey

Being a Master is an inward journey. Too many feel the way to become a Master is to get a slave and 'practice' on her. Wrong again Chico. The path to Mastery starts be identifying those qualities within yourself that will enable you to take control (and responsibility) for another. One major component in my experience is for one to seek emotional mastery. Those who cannot control themselves in this manner have no business being involved in an M/s relationship. Certainly, there are times we all lose our cool. However, there is a big difference between getting a bit upset over a circumstance and becoming a batterer. People of the later design belong in jail.

Domination is done with the mind. To do this, one needs to penetrate someone at a deep level. Making your point with your fists is not the way to go about that. Instead, that is proving your inability to truly dominate another. Anyone can use fear as a tactic. The challenge is to use of other methods which get better results. Only one who delves deep within himself can understand the qualities it takes to operate in this manner. The pretenders use fear since it is an easy tactic. Masters use mental and psychological control. The first abuse; the second dominate.


What constitutes about? Quite simply it is the intention. Obviously many of the vanilla believe all of what we do is abusive. The truth is that punishment handed down in an effort to alter a particular behavior is not abusive. Of course, the punishment needs to fit the crime as they say. If one goes overboard with every little transgression, that is also another for of abuse. A true Dom/Master will know where that line exists.

Much of our play involved paddles, needles, whips, chains, and rope. The truth is that many enjoy this aspect and crave the pain. Other do not. It is a dominant's responsibility to find the limits of each individual that he deals with. Again, since there is consent, it is not abusive.

We have a saying: safe, sane, consensual. While there might be some debate about the full merits of this concept, there is no doubt that this expels the notion of abuse being acceptable. If you are one who wants to batter, or feels that it is appropriate to batter a slave, then you need to learn this valuable lesson. And, if you are a slave who is suffering at the hands of an asshole like this, then I suggest you have the police on your speed dial. DO NOT HESITATE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Just because you are a slave that does not mean you have to be subject to this behavior. And if you find someone who feels you do, please send them my way.

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January 19, 2011

Finding What You Need

I interact with many people throughout the week. Continually I have people hitting me up seeking to share their experiences with me. Often this is done because they are questioning what they are involved in. It seems that few find the utopia that I write about. Of course, one only needs to look at the decisions people make to understand why. If more would follow the suggestions I outline, they would eliminate a great deal of hassle.

Bad Endings

Logic ought to dictate to you that not everyone is a fit for you. It seems that many are under the impression that if one is submissive, he or she ought to go with anyone who is dominant. At the same time, those on the other side of the fence have the same viewpoint. Too many are willing to jump at the first person who comes along. This is a tragic mistake of epic proportions. Over the years, I personally have heard firsthand every story that ends in catastrophe with the exception of death. Homeless, rape, assault, lies, and deception are par for the course when one jumps into things too quickly.

While this post is not meant to scare anyone, I believe people need to be mindful of what exists out there. I will say that the most common experience is that people suffer some heartbreak. Lies and misdirection are commonplace among the BDSM community. While many are not outright frauds, they do exaggerate what they are. This enables one to suck in a willing accomplice since the stories are so powerful. When one is truly seeking, without safeguarding against dishonesty, he or she is vulnerable to getting taken. Ultimately, while not hurt, one finds him or herself in a situation that does not resemble what is desired.

What Fits You

I will admit there is no foolproof way to avoid some bad outcomes. Relationships by their nature are precarious and any time emotions are involved, hurt can result. However, one thing that you can do to increase your chances is to know exactly what you are seeking. This requires an internal search to determine your goals and desires. Few ever take this step in any area of life. Nevertheless, if you want to really succeed in the BDSM world, it is best to understand what you are after.

Getting back to my original premise, not everyone on the other side of the power exchange equation is suitable. For example, if you are truly a slave, then you had better resign yourself to taking some time to find a Master. Trust me when I tell you this, they are not all over the place. Even though the profiles might state they are a "Master", be leery. I will bet the ranch that the vast percentage are gross exaggerations of someone of this ilk. In fact, most of them do not know the first thing about being a Master. This can create a bad situation if you are one truly offering everything you have. I find that most are ill-prepared for the responsibility that goes along with that concept.

By the same token, not everyone is cut out to live and serve a Master. There are many who seek a degree of control in their lives. Even though these people are submissive, they prefer to experience it in only a few areas. Problems will arise if one gets with a person who demands total control all of the time. As you can see, these two aren't compatible in this regard. Of course, neither is wrong in their approach to the lifestyle; simply they have two different desires. Knowing what one desires is paramount.

So, what is it that you need? Are you one who seeks complete and total control (or desires to give it all over)? If so, be certain to get with someone of similar outlook. At the same time, if you want less than TPE, query the one you are interacting with to decide if that is what you seek. But everything starts with the inward journey.


Once you decide what you need, then you can go about fulfilling this. However, this is another occasion where many fail to heed the proper suggestions. Again, I need to stress that time is crucial. The manipulators and exaggerators excel at using speed to their advantage. They seek to 'wrap things up quickly'. Even in long distance relationships, they use pressing measures to get you to agree. This is scarcely different than the slick telemarketer who gets one to buy an overpriced cruise because there is a bottle of free wine included. Preying upon the human emotion of fear is an age-tested practice.

Finding the qualities that reside within a person takes time. Here is a case where you want to ignore what a person says. Instead, looking at how one lives his or her life tells a great deal. If you want to find out who I really am, ignore what I say and focus upon what I do. Am I reasonably consistent in my life? Do I appear to be one who is emotionally in control especially when things do not go my way? Or am I one flying off the deep end at the slightest mishap? Is my focus long-term or am I totally obsessed with the present moment? Am I one who puts a lot of stock in what others think? Or do I exemplify the ability to make my own decisions regardless of how others will view it? The answers to these questions will help you to determine some things about me in terms of the qualities I carry as both a person and a Master.

Fortunately, there are qualities present in all kinds of people that you find in the lifestyle that are common for that particular role. Subs differ from slaves just like Masters differ from Doms. Noticing the lack of qualities in a particular person while help to identify what that person truly is. Inferiority complexes, people pleasing, and an overwhelming lack of confidence reveals that one is not practiced in mastery and might want to be avoided. At the same time, one needs to be able to identify a willingness to grow, discipline, and obedience in another if she is to live as a slave. These qualities are universal in most of the people who were successful in this way of life.

The bottom line is there is not magic pill for success. We are dealing with relationships. However, it is vital that one improve his or her chances by engaging in intelligent decisions. Knowing what you desire while seeking out the qualities in a person that match that desire are some basic ways you can avoid some of the pitfalls mentioned at the start of this article. Like all things in this way of life, we look for solutions that increase our chances. Nothing is perfect but there are methods which will end up in tragedy. I hope this helps you in some way.

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January 14, 2011

Society's Acceptance

In case you missed it, society is not exactly accepting of people leading alternative lifestyles. The basic premise of that people should follow the existing dogma. Obedience is what is desired. Your personal happiness is not relevant to the majority of the population. Everyone has an agenda. It is crucial that we all remember that.

Our Loved Ones: The Worst

It is sad but usually the strongest opinions come from those who are closest to us. Most will proclaim they 'only want us to be happy'. However, I challenge you to do something that goes against their beliefs and you will see what the real meaning of this is. What people often are saying is 'I want you to be happy as long as you are doing what I believe you should be doing'.

This theory is tested regularly by teenagers all over the world. However, they are not the only ones who need to be spitting in the face of conventional wisdom. Sadly, there is always an agenda and it is meant to control you. Look at the religious bodies; many of them are intent on pushing their ideas upon you. Parents have a similar outlook; most parents are intolerant of alternative choices of an offspring. This is reality and to deny it is foolhardy.

BDSM: One Path to Freedom

To me, BDSM is about freedom. Any time a person makes a choice that goes against the traditional model, that person is exercising an option to live as he or she sees fit. This is what freedom means. Slavery is living according to how others decide. This is not what mankind was meant to do. I believe that our internal fibers seek to live in accordance to what is within us.

Understanding that most of society behaves like obedient slaves is paramount to comprehending what occurs. To start, many are jealous of someone living in a way that makes them happy. There are so many people who are miserable and find it easier to rip someone else down as opposed to improving their lives. These people share the same blood line with us in many instances. This means their own happiness is transferred to us if allowed.

BDSM is a private affair. This may seem strange when posting on a public forum. However, the truth is that people should keep their private affairs to themselves. It is no one's business how you choose to structure your relationship. Many enter this way of life and want to tell everyone what they found. This is a bad move. Most seem to find an unexpected backlash. It is your freedom that is important. Allow others to live as they see fit. Concentrate your efforts upon your own life. This is what BDSM is all about.


It takes courage to search out and find what makes you happy. It also requires tremendous strength to follow that path once you find it. BDSM is not something for those who are weak. Many seem to believe that people who live this way, especially submissives, do so out of weakness. This is incorrect. While many will enter this life from that place, those who succeed are not weak. Strength is evident in every true sub/slave I ever met. Simple consider the potential backlash from loved ones to decide how easy a choice it is. Many have to make extremely tough decisions and leave situations that are fairly comfortable. Courage is their only ally in many instances.

Society knows that it is not easy to face these decisions. Every step of the way, it uses guilt to tear down one's confidence. When one's self esteem is low enough, then it is simple to control that person. And this is exactly what society does. Those who fear being pointed out as different blindly obey whatever dogma is handed to them. Few ever question what those beliefs are. Instead, they simply accept it as true and follow that path. Individuality is erased and replaced. One is nothing more than a conformist.

Therefore, to excel in the BDSM lifestyle, one needs to be an individual. Conforming to a set of beliefs that are never questioned is not what we are about. Each of us needs to take a path that makes sense in our own minds. To do this we risk being ostracized by those who we love. Nevertheless, it is what is often required for us to find our own happiness and fulfillment.

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January 11, 2011


This topic came up on my social networking site yesterday and I thought I would pass along a few comments to you about it.

Mentoring is a viable way for a new person to learn about this lifestyle. Basically, in this scenario, an experienced person is chosen to help guide the new person through the pitfalls of the early stages of the lifestyle. We are involved with something that is so vastly different from the traditional that people are often overwhelmed with what they see. Also, since there are so many predators who seek to prey upon the vulnerability and ignorance of new people, it is helpful to have an experienced individual act as a protector. Obviously, this pertains more to the submissives rather than dominants. But, the concept of a mentor is helpful to both.

As mentioned, a mentor needs to have experience. That is the first things that should be sought out. I am amazed at how many get with someone who has only a few months or a year experience. That is not a mentor. Instead, that is a person who is most likely preying upon the sub in a deceitful manner. A mentor is there to pass along all knowledge gained by being around the lifestyle for a number of years (or decades). Thus, it is crucial that one be around for this time period.

A second thing that a mentor must be is trustworthy. Here is where the situation can enter a gray area very quickly. It is common for a new sub to 'fall for' her mentor. This is a person who is going to act in a manner that resembles a Dom or Master. However, he is not that person. The line between owning someone and being a mentor is clear. There is a degree of trust that is handed over to a mentor in the same way a therapist or counselor is given trust. To betray that by personally involving oneself moves into the area of deceit.

This means that the mentor needs to understand the limits completely. One who crosses the line is the lowest form so slim there is. I have greater respect for the trollers who are upfront and obvious about things. Most with any slight intelligence can pick them up instantly. The mentoring predators are more difficult. So, we need to be leery of these people.

Mentoring is advantageous in that it allows one to learn about this lifestyle without making the commitment to a particular person. Also, I always suggest one have more than one mentor so as to alleviate the possibility of one crossing the line and taking advantage. Plus, it is always helpful to have a couple of viewpoints about things.

Therefore, if you are new, before rushing headlong into a relationship, consider a mentor. It could be a way to prevent you making the mistakes that are commonplace today.

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January 1, 2011

A Time To Recommit

The new year time always bring a sense of optimism and hope. No matter how bad the previous year, it is now in the past (sadly, this is also true if it was a terrific year). People start the year by making resolutions and promises to themselves. Even while in the midst of winter, it is the eternal spring.

Within the lifestyle, I find this a good time to recommit to what it is we discuss on here. To start, many have questions periodically about what they are doing living in this way. Society likes to bash us at every turn. This will make even the most experienced of us consider 'is it worth it'. This is the time when it is helpful to take the opportunity to recommit to your decision to live in this manner. We do not end up partaking in the power exchange life by mistake. Most of us tried the traditional route and found it wanting. If you are here, just remember the path that took you here. Society might want to push you in another direction. For those of us who stay...we know it is been there, done that, have the T-shirt.

Another thing, if you are involved in a relationship, recommit to that. Time has a way of making things mundane. Familiarity breeds contempt. Recommit to the one you own or serve. Look back over the last year and identify where you fell short (and yes to all you Masterful Dominants, you fell short to). Where did you let him or her down. Were you neglectful? Deceitful? Fearful? Manipulative? Dishonest? Commit to double your efforts to that person and your ownership/service to him/her.

Let everything you went through the last 12 months serve as a building block. The good times should be expanded upon. The bad times, if they didnt kill you (which if you are reading this, they didnt) only made you stronger and can be applied in the future as lessons. The next 12 months are an open canvass for you to design the masterpiece called 2011. Start by recommiting in the areas I mentioned as a foundation for your success and happiness.

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