July 31, 2009

Lessons From A Swinger

Many of us are involved in a variety of different lifestyles. BDSM is just one of them. We are nudists, swingers, transvestites, gay, goth, and a variety of other things that run counter to the norms of society. For this reason, we have a plethora of resources and experiences to draw upon.

Recently, I learned the lesson of how a certain way of life is not for everyone. Some simply cannot adapt to a certain lifestyle. In those instances it is best for one to move on to something else. Sadly, few can do this until they endure a great deal of pain. Typically, pain is a persons greatest motivator.

Many people think they are cut out to be swingers. It is not uncommon to see a couple enter into that lifestyle with the idea of having sex with many different people. They are like children in the proverbial candy shop. He is thinking of all the pussy he will get while she is imagining all the cocks she can ride. Of course, they overlook the fact that emotions are involved.

Oftentimes, it is the guy who awakens up to reality. While he was focusing on the pussy, he didnt realize that another (other) cocks would be filling his wife. This hits many men in the self confidence arena. Somehow he feels he will be judged. Or, that green giant, envy, hits him like a brick. Suddenly, a wild lifestyle turned into a jealous outrage. He just doesnt like the idea of his wife with other men.

Recently, I witnessed this situation. Fortunately, he was "man enough" to admit that he could not handle the lifestyle. It was a valuable lesson. Both him and his wife were extremely nice people who would be fun to interact with. Nevertheless, many simply are not cut out for that way of life.

The same is true for BDSM. This fact is multiplied the further out one goes on the extreme scale. For example, there are many who can handle a D/s lifestyle yet fall apart at the notion of M/s. It is just to much for most. The same is true for a BDSM scene. Many can handle light bondage/paddling. However, only a certain few are classified as pain sluts.

I believe self honesty is an important trait to develop. This gentleman had it in his life. He determined swinging was not for him (have no idea what the wife thought about it). We need to apply this same mindset to our life in BDSM. What are you suited for?

Remember, there is no shame in trying something and admitting it isn't for you.

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July 29, 2009

The Counter Culture

This lifestyle goes against all that we are taught in society. There are many ideas that our culture promotes which go contrary to what we practice in the BDSM. In fact, our foundation is in direct opposition to what the Western world says is appropriate. Anything straying from this is deemed counter culture.

We live an alternative lifestyle. BDSM, while practiced by most in one degree or another, is not the mainstream lifestyle. Certainly, as one heads further towards the extreme, the numbers get fewer in terms of participants. Pony play, as an example, is of interest to a relative few.

So why do people choose this way of life? Naturally, there are some who will select anything that is against the mainstream. I do not believe these comprise the largest number. Most people choose this way of life because it is right for them. Whatever degree they implement BDSM into their lives is the level which they are happy with.

The concept of total power exchange is foreign to mainstream society. They believe in equality. BDSM is not about equality. It is about one surrendering control to another and that person exercising that control. We move quickly away from equality to a state of complete imbalance. The power breakdown is the fundamental premise of this lifestyle.

As you can see, it is an outrageous concept for the average person to comprehend. Our conditioning leads us to believe that there is only one way to live. This is untrue. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of lifestyles which do not fit into societies "little box". BDSM is just one of them. We have people from all walks of life who elect to live according to something that resides deep within them. This is no different from the average homosexual or goth participant. It is something that one chooses to do regardless of what society states.

For this reason, I feel it takes great courage to enter into something that is counter culture. There is a high degree of misunderstanding from those who are closest to us. Most of us opt to keep our choices to ourselves. The learning curve for many is just too great. It is far easier to live our lives in the fashion we desire without seeking the approval of others. This is how we forge our own path in life.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live...just be prepared for the lack of understanding by others.

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July 28, 2009

The Choice of This Life

The last few posts have dealt with the concept of online versus real time. Overall, online has its place. However, it cannot be mistaken for real time. Online activity exists in the virtual world. It is something that cannot replace true human interaction.

One of the most basic ideas missed in the online world is that one can enter it without changing their life one bit. Log onto the computer and you are present in the online world. Enter into a M/s chat room, assume a persona, and you are now a Master or a slave. Nothing major needs to take place. Every other aspect of your life remains the same.

Contrast this with someone who made the decision to enter into a real time relationship. There were a variety of factors he or she needed to consider. Many have children to think about before making a decision. Jobs and living situations are always in need of resolving. A decision to move into this way of life affects many more than just the Dom or sub.

At the same time, many quickly realize that family (and close friends) do not understand the lifestyle. Tell your parents that you are moving to another state to be a slave and they will commit you to an institution. Our society understands matters of the heart. However, it has difficulty with alternative lifestyles.

Making the decision to pursue this life in real time is one that is difficult to make. It is a wonderful payoff for many. Nevertheless, there is still devastation even in the best of circumstances. Oftentimes, things do not work out as desired. This is a lesson of life. It is not exclusive to BDSM or any other lifestyle. Those who are committed to it have a better chance of surviving. Those who approach it like a new pair of shoes are apt to end up discouraged.

Making a lifestyle choice is a serious matter. Many make it seem like nothing online. Do not be misled. Consider the magnitude of the decision one faces when announcing he or she is gay. It is not something those individuals take lightly. You should take the election of entering into the M/s, D/s, or BDSM way of life with the same thoughtfulness. It is a real decision that affects many lives.

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July 27, 2009

Online Role Play

There are many groups online who are into the role playing aspect of BDSM. Regular readers of this blog will be surprised by this but I am in favor of this. I believe role playing is a wonderful way to enhance the fantasies people have. And, what better way to expand that than to have someone (or others) involved.

Where I take exception with the online world is where people believe fantasy meets reality. They are not one in the same. Online is called the "virtual world". It is just that. It is not real life. Online M/s, D/s, or some other form of BDSM is not real. It is a form of role playing.

It was pointed out to me that the Internet serves a second purpose when it comes to this lifestyle. I always point to the fact that people have access to such a wide scope of people. That is a huge advantage enjoyed in this era. However, it was also shown to me that the Internet is a wonderful forum for education. Leaving aside my overlooking the obvious, I agree with this two-fold benefit.

The truth is the Internet is many things. Nevertheless, the one thing it is not is real time interaction. The method of communication takes on a different essence than real time. Virtual interaction, just by its definition, is a form of role playing. It is for fantasy fulfillment in this regard. Nothing can be taken as absolutely true.

I take real exception when someone preys upon another's misconception of this reality. There are many who believe that what they experience online is real. Thus, they are susceptible to being taken advantage of by others. This is where the idea of role play turns harmful. One believes it to be true while another is just looking to pass time. It is a disconnect that causes great pain on the one who is buying into the entire situation.

Therefore, I am issuing a warning: enter the online arena with the intention of role playing. It is a wonderful medium to do that. Get your fantasies fulfilled to the nth degree. However, do not believe what you are experiencing is anywhere near reality. It is not. The sooner you accept this truth, the less pain you will likely to endure.

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July 23, 2009

Detecting Pretenders

Online is full of people who claim to be something they are not. This is no truer than in the M/s lifestyle. Travel through some of the different chat rooms and you will encounter numerous Masters and slaves. The sad truth, based upon my experiences, the vast percentage of them are fakes. They are playing games while the spouse is upstairs sleeping. Therefore, I put together a few tidbits that might help one to determine who is real.

1. Presume they are fake:

The greatest percentage are. Approach all with hesitation. Take what they say with a grain of salt (it isnt worth more than that). Make that person prove to you that he or she knows what is being talked about. Check anything they say with other reliable sources. Information off different websites as in the input of on here. Regardless, make sure what that person is saying is true about the lifestyle.

2. Get the information:

If you are interested in getting involved with someone, make sure you get his or her personal information. Would you accept a proposal for marriage without having that person's home phone number or address? Obviously not. They why would you consider submitting to someone without this same information?

I hear that a slave has no right to ask for this information. Horseshit. She does so. If someone is unwilling to provide it then tell him or her to go fly a kite. Or give that person my email and I will tell them what I think. Most fakes hate to encounter someone who lives the life in real time.

3. Use common sense:

Common sense will go a long way to saving you heartache and assache. We all gain interpersonal skills as we age. All the relationships we have from the time we are toddlers teach us how to interact with others. Thus, we gain some intuition as to what is sensible and what is not. Do not think that because you entered the world of M/s that you suddenly entered the twilight zone. The same rules apply to this as any other relationship. The main difference is the breakdown of power. That is it. Everything else comes down to basic interpersonal skills.

4. Move to human interaction:

Online is an effective way to start interacting with people. However, without human contact that person is just characters on a screen. They are not real. Virtual communication is devoid of human contact. It is only through the other mediums that we can truly get to know someone else.

I always move from online to phone communication. This personalizes the interaction. Hearing a voice allows you to hear what that person is feeling. Also, you can crossreference some of what you were told. If he said he is not married and has no children yet you hear an infant screaming in the background, you have cause to question. Of course, you cannot garner this information by just chatting.

The best way to interact is face-to-face. Try to push for in person meeting. I had slaves fly down to me and spend a week. They were able to see for themselves that I was real. Even though I believe their visit was sexually motivated, it was a real time interaction that is not possible without being in the zip code.

5. Ask for references:

What is this a job interview? No but it as equally important. You want to know his or her experience. When it comes to dominating someone, experience is crucial. There are so many ways to phsycially, mentally, and psychologically harm another, that taking another's life in your hands is a big responsibility. Giving this power to a know-nothing type is not to your benefit. You want to know who he or she dealt with in the past. Get a name and a number and simply find out if this person is for real or not.

6. Go slow:

The M/s relationship is a relationship. All relationships take time and this is no different. Just because someone says that you have to move at a certain speed because he or she is in control of you, that is not necessarily so. A true Master takes the time to learn the limits that a slave has. It is only then that he or she can properly assist in that person's growth.

These are just a few ideas that might help you when dealing with people online. Be careful with who you interact with. I have no idea their credentials. Do you?

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July 20, 2009

Household BDSM Items II

Yesterday I wrote about 4 items that every household has which can be used to enter into the world of BDSM (read post here). It is a fallacy that BDSM need be an expensive proposition with many trips to the sex shop. When you look around your house, you can find many items to implement into your scenes.

Here are a few more.

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Representing Your Master

Here is another one of those issues that I consider to be a fundamental part of the BDSM lifestyle, especially M/s. An accurate representation at all times of your Master is highly imperative. To deviate from this shows a sub/slave's willingness to insert her own ideas into the relationship.

A slave is a representative of her Master. This is no different than an employee being that for his or her company. The company decided what image it wants to present and all activities such as attire, marketing materials, etc... are all created in accordance with that idea. The same holds true for a slave. He or she is to contour all activities to his/her Master/Mistress's desired outcome.

At all times a slave is doing this. She needs to keep this in mind when she decides to "act up". Nothing is more embarrassing for a Master than to have a slave disrespect him in front of others. It belittles His abilities in the eyes of others. This could include potential slaves or other Masters. Regardless, a slave's place is to uphold her Master's ideals. She can take up any issues in private.

Many slaves seem to think the M/s relationship centers around them. This is the exact opposite of fact. The Total Power Exchange (TPE) dictates that the relationship is focused upon the Master. This is where it differs from the traditional model. There is no equality among the parties involved.

Showing her Master in a positive light is the most important thing a slave can do on a daily basis. This includes how she dresses, behaves, and carries herself. Acting like a child shows her Master to be ineffective and losing control. Few actually take the time to consider what their actions look like from the outside. In the end, a Master will only put up with this behavior for so long. After that, He is forced to make a correction.

It takes practice to learn to view things from the outside. Those who are experienced in the lifestyle tend to naturally think of how things affect their Masters. However, the newer people get caught up in their wishes and desires. They simply fail to look at how their behavior is perceived. A poor reflection on a Master will never sit well.

A slave needs to think before she acts. This is an important part of the M/s relationship. If it is something that you are uncertain about, ask your Master. After all, it is His (Her) wishes you are fulfilling.

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July 19, 2009

Household BDSM Items

Many feel inclined to spend larges sums of money to get into the BDSM lifestyle. A single trip to your local sex shop will reveal how expensive things can get. However, there is a way to start experimenting without leaving your house. The average household has many items which can be used for BDSM.

All these items are ideal to be used to spank a sub/slave. Each item is in almost every home. Look around and I am sure you will find more items you can use.

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July 18, 2009

An Idea For The BDSM Logo

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The Land Of Trekkies

Star Trek is one of the most popular science-fiction series of all time. Captain Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the crew of the star ship Enterprise are now amassing their second generation of fans. It is rare to see a series cross generational lines but this one managed to do so. The power that Star Trek wields is massive even though 40 years has passed since it debuted.

Over the years, Star Trek fans created their own identity. Known as "Trekkies", these fans started to put together conventions that celebrate their esteemed television program. Every year people gather at these gatherings to interact with others who share a similar mindset.

Naturally, most people keep the idea of Star Trek in it's proper perspective. It is a television program. The attendees at the conventions range from those who are ardent fans to those who take it a little too far. Some go as far as to learn the Klingon language. Sadly, many displace their fantasy of this sci-fi world for reality.

Why do I bring this point up? Over the last few months, I spent considerable time trying to contrast online versus real time. This example shows how some can take something that is a fantasy and center their life around it. We consider it absurd when we are referring to Star Trek. Yet, few seem to argue the same absurdity when applied to BDSM.

In the 1970s a series of books were written by John Norman. He created a mythical planet that he called "Gor". This planet paralleled life on Earth. On Gor, slavery was an acceptable way of life. It involved a series of rigorous rituals at every aspect of one's day. In short, the life of a Gorean slave was difficult.

Over the years, this lifestyle became glamorized. Like Trekkies, most take it with a grain of salt. Sadly, many take it to an unacceptable extreme. They believe that this is how real life should be.

The Internet allowed for a massive explosion of all kinds of alternative lifestyle. With the anonymity of this medium, people are able to express views about things they wouldn't otherwise be able to. This allowed some of the sub-cultures to move more towards mainstream. The BDSM community certainly was one that benefited from this medium.

Of course, this allowed for the spread of a lot of misinformation. The M/s lifestyle is one of the more extreme aspects of BDSM. It has been around for decades so the life is nothing new. Yet the Internet allowed the establishment of online communities all sharing the same mindset. This is where Gorean got a major kick. Today, chatrooms are full of people professing to live life according to the precepts on Gor. Sadly, most are like the Trekkies learning Klingon; they are disconnected from reality.

Gorean is primarily an online methodology. Very little of the lifestyle has to do with real life. One could certainly argue the philosophy is applicable and can be implemented. I would buy that argument. However, living life according to the rules John Norman set down in his books is not. Gorean just doesn't translate into a free society. Anyone who lives according to those rituals in a normal society would end up having the law called. It is a simple fact that slavery is illegal in most Western cultures. Gorean would alarm more than a few family members.

M/s is a wonderful and acceptable way of life for those who are capable of handling it. This way of life is not for everyone. Many think they are up to the challenge of submission only to find that they fail miserably. The "romance" depicted online is quickly lost in real time. For every scene that is played out, there are countless chores such as cleaning toilets, sweeping floors, and mowing yards. This is overlooked by the online community.

My beef with what is occurring today online is that it is an inaccurate portrayal of reality. For the most part, the "people" (many will say their friends) are nothing more than characters on a screen. They are a username and an assumed persona. That is all. Until there is some human interaction, there is no relationship. I have seen more than one seduced by the allure of a "Master" only to find that he is not real. Invariably, he will pull a disappearing act when it is time to meet. Just another jerk getting his rocks off online while the wife is asleep upstairs.

Remember this idea the next time you enter one of the chatrooms. I bet if you Googled "Star Trek Chatrooms" you will find a variety of people who adopted the Klingon life as their own. These people are ready for the loony bin. I am becoming convinced that those who claim to be Gorean are not far behind.

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Obedience-The Most Basic Premise

Obedience is what a slave is rated upon. Yet many seem to think that it is their place to manipulate and decide what their Master should do. Some think that it is a proper way to approach the lifestyle. I tend to disagree. There is nothing appealing about a slave who ignores what she is suppose to do. If that is what you want, go live a traditional lifestyle.

I have encountered my share of disobedient slaves. It seems that most of them are from the "online" community. This is just more proof how most of those who are online are not living in reality. Their idea of M/s is complete fantasy.

When one is online, it is easy to ignore her Master. Any directives that are given can be set aside with a simple "yes I did it". How is a Master to know when he is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away? Many times He only has the word of the slave to go on. Sometimes she will follow the directive, other times she will not.

This all changes when the move to the real world is made. In real time, there are ways that a Master has to uncover the truth. If He asks if the dishes are completed, a surprise visit will reveal whether they were or not. There is a much greater chance to "get caught" in real time.

Those who understand what it truly means to be a slave will not engage in this behavior. There are some who faithfully do everything a Master says while online. These are the ones who have an easy transition to real time. They understand the premise of obedience to their Masters. It is a simple premise for someone who truly wants to serve.

I repeatedly state that the percentage of people cut out for the M/s lifestyle is minimal. It is not for the weak. The total exchange of power is something that few can honestly handle. It goes completely against the conditioning of society. Most people cling to their personal power and cannot give it up. They want this way of life yet are simply incapable of crossing the line of total surrender. It takes a special person to be able to do that.

The contrast to one who is truly committed to being a slave and to one who is playing games is astounding. I recently chatted with one who I knew from a few years ago. She is in a M/s relationship fulfilling her inner desire. She made a great sacrifice to choose this way of life (including leaving her children with her sister). I didn't need to chat with her too long to hear her happiness at her situation. Also, I could hear the level of submission she has for her Master. Everything is about him. Her entire life revolves around the serving of him. Her entire being is for his use and no other. That is what a true slave is. She gets it.

Naturally, this is a rarity. Most who operate online are just playing games. I believe that almost all are fake online. This is equally true for slaves as for Masters. They are all pretenders. Their idea of M/s is to live in the traditional world while playing Master (or slave) online. In the case of the slave, obedience is a factor when something is convenient. This destroys one of the fundamental pillars of the M/s relationship. People like this should remain online since their chance of success is minimal in real time.

M/s has no place for manipulation from a slave. If she truly desires something, she should bring that request to her Master. He will then decide if it is something that He wants her to have. Whatever the decision, a good slave will be happy with whatever the outcome. Her Master has a reason for all He decides. It is not up to her to influence the decision. An obedient slave will accept the decision as rule. That is the degree that this lifestyle goes to. It is not for the faint of heart.

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Sir versus Master

The proper way to address One seems to cause confusion among many new people. I know there are different philosophies based upon individual preference and background. However, I see a general trend which seems to encompass most disciplines.

Respect for One in the position of dominance is a central part of the lifestyle. This is true for the sub who is being dominated during a scene and for a slave living in a 24/7 real time arrangement. The respect that one shows for his/her Dom/Master is obvious to all.

I notice the confusion arise when one interacts with other Doms/Masters. In the BDSM world, the position of a Dom or Master commands respect. It is similar to the office of the President; you might not respect the man but you better respect the office. Here, you might not feel to thrilled about the particular individual but his/her position of dominance is worthy of respect. That is one of the central tenets to the BDSM life.

My philosophy is simple: if I own you, you call me Master. Only those who have submitted to me are able to call me that. Anyone else who is a sub or a slave addresses me as Sir. By the same token, whenever my slaves interact with anther Dom/Master, they address that person as Sir (or Madam/Ma'am if a female). This is a simple way to maintain the proper respect without crossing boundaries.

I know there are some disciplines (mostly online) that have all Masters called just that. To me this shows the disconnect from reality. Anyone who has attended a munch will know how ineffective this is when there are 20-30 people in the same room. It would be like attending a party where everyone was named Dave. Communication would be impossible.

The other aspect of this is that a Master is a personal thing. It is like someone's husband or wife. Do married people go to other married people and call them hubby? Obviously not. The same idea applies here. Master is appropriate if one is owned by Him, otherwise Sir is the address to be used.

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July 17, 2009

The Joy Of Bondage

Bondage is a central part to the BDSM lifestyle. To me, there is nothing that affirms the separation of powers than tying a sub/slave up. The basic foundation of the D/s and M/s way of life is the total exchange of power. Bondage allows each person to feel the full extent of their core being. Doms/Masters feel a greater degree of control while subs/slaves feel less empowered. It is a win/win situation.

Bondage is also one of the easiest ways to start experimenting with the BDSM lifestyle. The only thing needed is a nice piece of rope or a scarf. Tying a submissive one to the headboard or bedpost will get you going. I found this simple act reemphasizes the desires that BDSM offers me.

We see a variety of pics online depicting the way people engage in bondage play. It is important to remember these people mostly are professional. They have access to the best supplies and are well trained in knots and pressure points. I always emphasize the safety aspect of all we do. This is no more important that when engaging in bondage play. The body is a wonderful mechanism although there are many places where damage can be caused. The idea of tying up a body part until it is purple is best left to the experts. Cutting off circulation is a dangerous practice unless one is knowledgeable about what can be sustained. Remember, safety is at the core of all we do.

So the next time you want to liven things up, offer to tie up your partner (or have him/her tie you up). It is a fabulous and simple way to get into this lifestyle. Let me know what results you experienced.

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July 16, 2009

Would You Buy A House...

from someone you met in a chatroom? To further complicate matters, would you do it sight unseen with no human contact with that person whatsoever? This idea seems absurd when one thinks about it for a short while. However, are the decisions people make each day about online romance/lifestyles any different? Aren't they doing exactly the same thing in effect?

Why wouldn't you buy a house under the aforementioned circumstances? What would most concern you? Obviously the notion of getting ripped off would cross your mind. The fear that the person is less than truthful is prevalent. The roof leaking, the neighborhood, and the square footage are all areas of importance. Regardless of what one is told, it is impossible to know if it is being accurately represented.

Online interactions of a personal nature carry the same connotation. How do you know the package is being accurately represented? I could say I am in Nevada while living in Chicago. My height of 6'1", 195 pounds of muscle turns out to be 5'7" 225 pounds of flab. The pictures I showed you are really my brother-in-law. And I really work at 7-11 instead of being a brain surgeon. Of course, it is easy for me to create the image that I want you to see. Without human interaction, it is doubtful you will be able to call me on it.

I see this occur in the BDSM world frequently. People seem to lack common sense when approaching this lifestyle. The gullibility is astounding. Some will take whatever another says as it is fact. Sadly, it rarely is. My belief is that 90% of the online interactions are bullshit. At least one party is lying. There are some online who are completely honest and upfront. That is the minority. Chatrooms are full of people who are trying to "get their rocks off" by pretending to be something they are not. This extends to all styles of chat, regardless of the lifestyle.

My message today is to be careful and do not get too caught up with the one that you are chatting with. That person most likely will turn out to be less than he/she professes. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble but better now than later. Eventually the truth will come out. Look for signs that tell you this person is lying. Does he/she only contact you at certain times which seem odd? (For example, he is only on after 11:00 at night when you know he ends work at 5:00) Is there resistance to move the relationship offline into a real live interaction? These simple acts should be warnings that something is amiss.

If you are protective of your money from swindlers, why wouldn't you have the same approach with matters of your heart? The situation is especially compounded when you consider that children are also involved. Why would you subject them to something that is built upon fantasy? Many like online because it gives them the anonymity to create a persona as they desire. Unfortunately, this usually causes heartache and misery to the one on the other end.

Please be careful.

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July 15, 2009

Why This Lifestyle?

Why do people get involved in BDSM? There are probably as many answers to that question as there are people engaging in it. However, I believe the bottom line is that most want to increase their satisfaction in life. There are so many who find that they are unhappy with the traditional mode of relationships. Let's be honest, after a while, sex with the same person can get really boring unless something is done to increase the level of excitement. BDSM fulfills that purpose.

BDSM is a wide arena. Many automatically assume we are referring to images of extreme bondage with suspension from the rafters. BDSM is a lot more than this. It is something as simple as a spanking during sex to the 24/7 M/s lifestyle. In between there is room for a great deal of flexibility.

Life is miserable for many. We see it everyday on the streets. People hate their jobs, are in unhappy marriages, and now have a multitude of financial problems to deal with. This causes an enormous amount of stress for people to deal with. They need a release and BDSM is a way to get that.

BDSM is about experimentation. Those who are seeking to enhance their sex lives can do so by toying with different aspects of the lifestyle. The journey into personal domination/submission is an interesting one. It is always fun to experience the different feelings of giving up control versus receiving it. I believe most have a general idea where they fall on the scale. However, there are many who are unsure meaning they will test both sides of the equation. A true dominant, for example, will not take to being tied up. You can see it on his/her face.

This brings us to another aspect of why people choose BDSM; to fulfill an inner desire that goes to their core. Since most do not engage in deep self searching, few know what is truly at their core. There is a percentage of the population that is overwhelmingly dominant and a similar percentage submissive. These are the people who are designed to engage in M/s or some other extreme aspect of the relationship. Their inner desires are unquestioned. Sadly, many are misled by what they see within themselves since society has a way of conditioning us into believing that domination is more admirable than submission. This is untrue. Yet, there is the Western belief that servitude is something to look down upon.

Either way, those who get honest with themselves realize they can receive a lot by choosing the BDSM lifestyle. Many feel uncertain initially and that is understandable. However, with the proper guidance and information, you will find there is a lot to this way of life. It is a community that is full of average people doing extraordinary things. BDSM has the potential to make all your dreams come true if you embrace it to that degree. This way of life is how I fulfill my heavenly desires.

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July 6, 2009

Online Is Not Real

Everyday I encounter someone else who believes that their online experience is real. Again, I am perplexed by this idea. Why does common sense exits when it comes to BDSM? It seems that whatever smarts someone had, they left it at the door upon entering the BDSM community.

Let me ask this "would you consider an online 'marriage' to be real"? The answer is that most would say that this is not reflective of reality. Alas, these same individuals will turn around and proclaim to be a Master or a slave because they have some experience online. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Online is not real. I do not know how to make it any clearer than this. The Internet is a mechanism which allows people to create any persona they desire. To become something online, it is as simple as creating a profile on a site, reading a few different sites to get the basics of that topic and then starting the process. Instantly, one is whatever he or she wants.

My philosophy is that the Internet is a wonderful way to gain some basic knowledge about the BDSM lifestyle. Also, with the advent of the different "dating' sites, it allows us to interact with people all over the world. Those of us who were involved in this way of life before the Internet remember how small a community it was since the reach was so limited. Before long, you knew every Master, Dom, slave, sub, and swinger in your town. The options were minimal.

Now, we can meet people from all over the world. I personally am involved with people from England, Montana, and Canada. This is only possible through the reach of the World Wide Web. Introductions and prospecting is an excellent use for this medium. However, if things never move from online to some other form of human interaction, one is not involved in reality. Instead, he or she is stuck in the virtual world.

One of the first things I ask when I am interacting with someone who is new to me is whether she is willing to come and visit. Over the years, there were more than a few who chastised me for taking this approach. At that instant I knew what type of person I was dealing with. These types are not willing to move things to the human level. They prefer it to remain online.

Online BDSM is a game. My experience tells me most of the people are pretenders. They create the image they way while having no foundation in the real world. Reading, studying, and writing about a scene are vastly different than being involved in one. Being told what a leather strap feels like is nothing compared to the sensation of having it strike your skin. Real life involves human contact.

Those who are online have the knowledge and perhaps background in BDSM. However, what they lack is the experience. Regardless of what people believe, individual personalities sway any type of relationships. There is not a "one size fits all" mold. Knowledge provides a foundation, experience offers individual tastes. There is no way to know what is desired (or not desired) until it is tried. Online interaction fails to provide this.

The other consideration that we never see online is how others are affected. Few live in a vacuum. They have others to consider. Yet, the ones online rarely mention these factors. It is up to you to be pragmatic about what is going on in the lives of those you love. When others are put at risk for something that is less than certain, you are neglecting your responsibilities. Online chats are fun. Nevertheless, they rarely turn into much more. The percentages are against you.

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July 5, 2009

Using Common Sense

It is sad to see how much different people approach this lifestyle as compared to other areas of their life. Seemingly intelligent people make choices which they would not under normal circumstances. For whatever reason, they believe there is something vastly different when entering the BDSM world.

The bottom line is that all relationships are just that, relationships. Interpersonal skills that are applicable to other areas of life are valid here also. Even though the dynamics are on another level, this is where common sense comes into play. We are still dealing with people regardless of the power structure.

I see so many "fall" for someone only to be devastated when things do not work out. This is really true online. Yesterday I wrote a post about the misleading that can occur online. I am always stunned how people take what they see to be real. The truth is it often is not.

Anyone can be a "Master" or a "slave" online. All that is needed is the ability to write it in a chatroom. A little reading will provide O/one with the foundation to offer some credible evidence. Of course, the entire process is easier when the person being dealt with is new. He or she is open to be taken advantage of. This person will believe most anything since the entire life is new.

This is where common sense comes into play. I typically ask people if this something they would tolerate in the vanilla world. For example, I often hear how a Master cannot provide an address or phone number to a slave. The claim is that it is His place to contact her. At this point I say the odds are she is chatting with a fake. He is hiding something. Would you believe this line if it were your fiance in a traditional relationship? How many people have no idea where their fiance lives or his/her phone number? Yet we see slaves who are willing to move to Him in spite of this. Naturally, when the time never comes to move, there is devastation.

My next question is what was really lost? I am told that "my Master is now gone". Wrong. You lost a name on a screen. The Internet allows for the creation of whatever the mind can conceive. If you want to be a Master, bingo. You are now a Master. If you want to be an engineer at Nasa, simply learn a few scientific lines and fill out a profile saying Kennedy Space Center. Just because one says it does not make it so.

Common sense will go a long way to avoiding headache, heartache, and assache. This is especially true if you have kids that are involved. Your decisions will also affect them. You want to be sure the choices made are based in reality, not fantasy. Too often there are jerks who are living out their fantasies online while the spouse is upstairs sleeping. If there are warning signs that something is amiss, it usually is. Many who claim to be single are really married. It is too easy to lie.

Remember this the next time you are in a chatroom and striking up a "relationship" with another. Be sure to push to move it to some type of human interaction. A phone call, a lunch, or an address go a long way to validating that person.

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July 4, 2009

When The Rubber Meets The Road

There are many pretenders out there. We all know that. The Internet is a doubled edged sword when it comes to meeting people for BDSM: it allows for access to far greater number of people while enabling people to assume any persona they desire. In the end, what is really known about a person is they are text on a screen. There is nothing more unless there is some other form of communication.

Many will take exception with this viewpoint. They claim there are people behind those usernames and characters. That is true, there is someone with a heartbeat. However, that is where the truth ends. Everything else is up for debate. For example, is the person male or female? Is he/she married or single? Does that person really weight 105 pounds or is she 205? None of these answers can really be known unless there is more than online interaction. (In my book An Owned Life, I dedicate a section to the difference between online and real time)

When it comes to BDSM, there seems to be a lot of play out there (and not the good play). I heard so many tales of woe that I am stunned each time I hear about the gullibility of people. People seem to give all they have to people they never even spoke to. And then when things go awry, they are crushed like they lost something real. The truth is that they were played.

Online is not real. I write this all the time. Too many want to make it seem like there is something there when a "relationship" forms. This is not the case. While I acknowledge the Internet is a fabulous way to "break the ice", any relationship that does not move to any form of human interaction is bound to crack. The foundation is most likely built upon a lie.

Whenever I "meet" people online that I am interested in moving into some form of real time, I immediately begin the human process. This starts usually with a phone call. This is a mechanism which is more personal than online and allows for one to gain a greater knowledge of the person. For example, you might hear children in the background (warning sign if you were told he/she is single with no kids). The voice tells a great deal about a person. And you can learn if they are shy or outgoing. These things cannot be learned through chatting online.

When the "rubber meets the road" do you really know what you are dealing with in the person you are chatting with online? Unfortunately, it is only when a desperate situation arises will the truth be revealed. Are you able to count on this person? Is he/she going to be there for you when you are in need? Most likely not based upon the percentages.

Each time I hear one of the heartbreaking stories, I always reflect upon the missed signs. Dishonesty and manipulation are obvious if you know what you are looking for. The rule is that is something seems amiss, it probably is. So often I hear that a Dom/Master can only call at certain times. Why would this be? Perhaps it is because he/she has a spouse they are hiding. Do you have a phone or an address for this person? Or were they hidden from you by some excuse. Does their name come up on a search engine in that town? Most people are involved in some type of organization that will have records or rosters listed online. The point is that a little research will uncover a lot.

Common sense is lacking when it comes to online. People will not tolerate certain behaviors in person yet they fall completely for the manipulation online. For those who do this, they are mostly saddened when the truth comes out. Dishonesty is the prevailing trait in the virtual world. It is just too easy to assume another persona. Be forewarned the next time you are chatting with someone. All is probably not as it appears.

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July 2, 2009

Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is the foundation for BDSM. Everything we do follows these simple edicts. Whenever anyone strays from them, bad things happen. You will notice that the events which make the paper are because these three words were ignored.

In most societies around the world, slavery is outlawed. At the same time, it is illegal to hold someone against their will. Breaking these laws carry a huge penalty in the modernized cultures. Kidnapping is not something that is considered lightly by the courts.

With that being said, the Master/slave relationship exists only because there is consent. Anytime there is a scene, both parties are agreeing to participate. To ensure safety, certain ground rules are established ahead of time. The use of a "safe word" is critical especially when playing with someone unfamiliar. This is how a sub can maintain an order of control so as not to cross any hard limits.

Much damage can be done when a BDSM scene goes awry. The press sensationalizes the physical harm done when people act without regard to safety. There are instances where death occurred as a result of a scene. Nevertheless, much less talked about but ever more dangerous is the psychological pain that a Dom/Master can cause during a scene. It is not uncommon for someone to have flashbacks to previous abuse. Since there is pain involved in many scenes, these thoughts can provoke one to go off the deep end mentally. This can scar someone permanently.

How do we go about ensuring everything turns out okay. We remember three things:

1. All actions during the scene are done after the safety issue is considered.

2. It is best to engage in actions that are reflective of your ability. A new person should not play with full suspension. This is something that is best left to the seasoned persons. We like our play to be fun but within reason for people's skill and limit level. That is sanity.

3. The basic premise of the foundation is consensual. A sub/slave decides to submit, not the other way around. Those who try to push one into submitting are really taking a hostage. That is not consensual. We strive to have consent as the foundation of the relationship.

Remember these three parameters when entering into this life. There is nothing worse than a scene gone wrong. That is how people get hurt.

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How To Get Into BDSM?

This is the easiest way to get into BDSM.

Just add duct tape.

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Professional versus Amateur

Where do you qualify on this scale. To start, when I refer to a professional, I am not referring to someone who makes their living as a Dom/Domme. While there are people who choose to do this, they are in the extreme minority. What I mean by professional is someone who takes this way of life seriously. They approach their "craft" like they any other professional.

There are many who approach BDSM with the idea of being "tire kickers". It is wonderful for people to take a look at our way of life to decide if it is for them. These are not the people that I question. Rather, I am taken aback by those who profess to live this way yet are amateurish in their approach. They failed to move to the next stage in their development.

A professional is someone who takes their trade seriously. They are people who are willing to put in the time learning all they can about what they do. Certain trades have apprentice programs where one learns the basics before being certified. Continuing education is important (and often required). One is committed to staying on top of the latest developments within his or her profession.

Contrast that with many who claim to be involved in BDSM. There are many I encounter who state they are slaves while behaving more like a Dom. They want to retain control over their lives which shows they missed the basics of being a sub/slave. At the same time, there are so many dominant personalities who believe they are Doms/Masters. Of course, without the basics in control, accessories, and furniture, One will end up failing.

The Internet is a wonderful tool which allows for people to garner knowledge rapidly. We now have access to millions (billions or trillions) of pages worth of information. If one is interested in learning about something, there are plenty of places to turn. While being questionable in the validity of the information, at least it is a starting point.

Nevertheless, many fail to take this vital step. That is why I wrote the book, An Owned Life, as a way to offer some of the basics of the M/s world. Judging by the sales results, there obviously was a huge market that was crying for this. It is my goal to assist people in their effort to move from amateur to professional.

If you are going to be involved in an alternative lifestyle, I feel that it is only fair that you have some idea if what it is all about. Every walk of life has some basics and this lifestyle is no different. Learning the basics of BDSM is a great step towards becoming knowledgeable about they way we live. Start by acquiring all the know-how that you can.

An Owned Life is a great place to start.

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July 1, 2009

You Know You are Kinky When

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The Sub's Motto

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