July 20, 2013

Being Isolated

As I travel around the web, I find many things that are of concern to me within the BDSM community.  Some of this, naturally, can be attributed to a simple disagreeing of what is taking place.  However, there are some things that garner my attention because of the risk involved.  The fact that I see isolation occurring is one of those subjects.

Control Versus Fear

A BDSM relationship is built upon the transfer of power.  In each situation, whether M/s or D/s, there is one who has more power than the other.  This is the nature of this lifestyle we choose.  One is designed to be in control while the other cedes it over.  This is how we operate naturally within this realm.

For the dominant, control is of utmost importance.  In my view, the starting point is where one learns to control himself (or herself).  I find it impossible to effectively control another person when one lacks the internal strength to control oneself.  Next, taking responsibility for another means that he (she) is able to have total control over each situation.  This ability comes after an extended period of internal search.  Life does not always proceed as planned.  A dominant needs to be flexible, confident, and creative to handle whatever situation should arise.  The submissive is depending upon this trait to exist within the dominant.  If there is a void in this area, the relationship is certainly going to fall apart.

The sad truth is that many online who present themselves as dominant are far from it.  For the most part, many of them are seeking someone who will listen to their every word.  The problem with these people is that they really do not embrace the responsibility that comes along with being in control.  As they say, with power comes responsibility.  

Another interesting fact that arises under these circumstances is that one is continually afraid of being "found out".  This instills a great deal of fear in this dominant.  Instead of operating from a place of strength and confidence, he (she) is exhibiting weakness.  Fear exists in everyone.  However, the strong are able to ignore it and act in spite of it.  The weak succumb to it while behaving like a "thief in the night"; always afraid of the lights being turned on.


Isolation is a tactic that many of these types of "dominants" use to maintain control.  Under this premise, the dominant will cut of all interaction by the submissive with other lifestyle people.  Whenever you hear this occurring, a huge warning flag should go up.  Again, knowing that it is a common practice used by the pretenders, it is a fairly safe assumption to reach when you see this taking place.

A true dominant is not threatened by the truth.  As I stated in the beginning, much of my issues with some of what is written is a basic disagreement from a personal perspective.  I am not going to agree with the approach of every dominant.  That is one of the aspect that makes BDSM so wonderful; there is no cookie cutter plan.  People are free to create their relationship however they see fit.

The main issue I have with one who isolates another is the fact it gives this individual unfettered control.  While this might seem to contradict what BDSM is all about, I find that it is in perfect accordance with the lifestyle.  Within the community, we do not operate underground.  Those who are advanced in this way of life are open, at least with those whom they trust.  Their actions are not hidden and the control not manufactured.  When viewed from the outside, it is evident what is taking place.  More information is always welcomed by both parties.  A true dominant understands he (she) does not know all there is.  Our skills, experience, and education are ever ongoing.

Contrast this with the "dominant" who isolates.  His (her) goal is not the expansion of information or knowledge.  Instead, he or she seeks to hinder the process.  The ultimate goal is that the submissive only learn what he (she) imparts.  This is extremely dangerous especially for a submissive who is new to the lifestyle.  There is a great deal of risk involved in not knowing the merits of a particular individual.  Anyone can claim to be dominant yet that does not make it so.  One needs to be mindful of this when getting involved.

So, whenever I read a post such as "Master doesn't allow me to interact with others", my first thought is "what is he hiding".  Certainly, I understand the idea of controlling with whom a sub/slave interacts.  However, in many of these instances, the submissive is cut off from anyone with knowledge about the lifestyle . This is something to be mindful of.  A true dominant will not seek total isolation of a submissive, especially without a cause (such as punishment).  If you find yourself, or someone else, in this situation, then start to question what is going on.  I feel confident you will find devious motives.


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July 11, 2013

Limits: Everyone Has Them

Nothing is more frustrating than to see the meatheads online who write things such as "I am a no limit slave" or "I do not believe in limits".  Statements such as these show a complete ignorance of what this lifestyle is about and what actually takes place in reality.  While it is easy to proclaim no limits online, in the real world, limits exist in many different ways.  This is something that has to be taken into consideration in every BDSM relationship.

Physical Parameters

The first area that always requires consideration is in the physical arena.  When one is indulging online, he or she is existing in a virtual reality.  It is a realm where the laws of physics do not exist.  Time and space do not matter.  It is a world that is intent to mimic reality but not replace it.  Here is where many run into trouble.

Real time BDSM does not afford us the opportunity to escape the laws of the world.  In this area, we see the laws of physics apply to everything we do.  Therefore, when interacting in a BDSM relationship, we quickly learn that there are physical parameters that everyone encounters.  In other words, there is a limit to what one can physically do.  Whereas online this is not an issue, it certainly is in real time.

Harkening back to our "I am a no limit slave", we see how reality slaps in the face of this idea.  Everyone has a limit to what he or she can physically do.  This is something that is not considered when our online princess writes these words.  For many, dunking a basketball is impossible.  So is going without sleep for 168 straight hours.  Without the proper tools and knowledge, things such as tuning up the car or replacing the electrical in the house is also out of one's reach.

Of course the main area we see the difference is when talking about pain.  Our no limit slave is that way only online.  The truth is that each person has a point where he or she cannot take any more.  To ignore this fact is not only senseless but quite dangerous.


The most important aspect of BDSM is safety.  This is something that needs to be paramount at all times especially in the mind of the dominant.  Too many overlook this fact while pursuing their desires.  BDSM offers a wonderful path for many.  However, it is one that, if not careful, can be wrought with a great deal of danger.

Obviously, it is easy to see how our no limit slave can be put in a position of great harm.  This is compounded if she gets with someone who is equally as ignorant about safety as she is.  There is a saying that "just because someone can do something, that doesnt mean he should".  I find this very applicable to the BDSM world.  Simply because I can impart more pain upon an individual, that does not mean that I should.  I need to continually monitor and be mindful of what is safe for this individual on that given day.

Believing that anything is acceptable leads one to engaging in behaviors that will ultimately result in an unsafe outcome.  This is why I detest the message that there is such a thing as no limits.  Limits exist for a variety of reasons.  One of the main ones is safety.  Roads have speed limits because speed in excess of that are deemed, overall, to be less safe.  Regulations, i.e limits upon behavior, are imposed so as to ensure safety for the greatest number of people.  This is the difference between civilized behavior and anarchy.  States of anarchy are unsafe because there are no limits to what behavior is undertaken.


The final area that I am going to cover today with regards to limits is in the realm of the mental.  When discussing limits, it is easy to understand how unsafe certain behaviors can be.  Obviously, beating a slave with a 2 x 4 is an unsafe action where the danger is visible.  One can cause great harm such as broken bones and internal bleeding by engaging in that course of action.

However, the mental arena is one that is far less visible yet can be even more dangerous.  One of the most important responsibilities of a dominant is to ensure that his (her) actions do not impart mental or psychological damage.  This can be a tricky course to follow since there are many things that even the submissive might be unaware of.

The truth is that many suffered abuse while growing up.  We encounter those who endured tremendous sexual, physical, and psychological abuse at the hands of family members, teachers, or other adults who were around.  Many of these instances are still carried within the individual.  Sadly, few receive the treatment needed to overcome what occurred.  Instead, most stuff it down only to see it resurface at a later time.

This area is extremely dangerous because we are dealing with things that go way back.  Certain activities need to be avoided if they bring up emotional or psychological responses.  I use the example of one I knew who was abused when younger by her dad and his friends.  They would blindfold and pass her around.  This experience was something she never dealt with and, decades later, she still was unable to be blindfolded without freaking out.  In other words, the psychological damage from this episode was so great that there was a limit to some of the activities she could engage in.

So remember, everyone has limits.  Accepting this as a fact is something that we all need to do.  Safety is of the utmost of importance.  To ignore this idea is dangerous.  Our lifestyle is built upon sane reasoning and believing that one can be "no limit" is foolish.  Do not entertain this idea at any level.


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July 6, 2013

Extreme Lifestyle

BDSM is a wide and varied genre.  It is a way of life that is all encompassing.  There are people who are more moderate with their views while others have desires that go further out on the spectrum.  I always maintained that all are welcome in BDSM.  The main focus ought to be on what makes one happy.  Everything else is secondary.

The Extreme

Today I am going to focus upon the extreme.  The reason I am doing this is because there is an interesting dichotomy that takes place.  We are all aware that BDSM is mostly portrayed as a lifestyle of extreme.  The porn industry, in particular, took extensive steps to present this view as a means of enticing people into purchasing their products.  We also come across erotic literature which delves into the subject of slavery, auctions, and TPE.  While most identify these as fiction (dreams), there is a certain truth to it.

I am a believer people are free to choose a life they desire.  BDSM is an open-ended equation which means that an individual may opt for whatever interests him or her.  Society has a methodology of instilling rules and protocols upon the masses.  BDSM, on the other hand, is about freedom.  Part of this freedom is exercising one's right to fulfill his or her desires as long as it does not infringe upon another. 

Therefore, if one is necessitating a more extreme structure in life, there is no reason why this should not be sought.  Of course, the dogma of most of our cultures depicts a different image.  Nevertheless, there is nothing wrong with one seeking out fulfillment in whatever manner is necessary.

The Quandary

Pursuing this path results in a quandary for many.  The simple fact of the matter is we all, no matter how much we resist, are products of our environment.  Society is very effective of instilling within us beliefs which dictate our behavior.  While never overtly stating it, there are certain things which are considered "normal" whereas everything that falls outside of that is labelled abnormal, weird, etc...

The problem arises when one starts to pursue the path of extremity.  While one is looking to fulfill a need within oneself, somewhere on the journey, the inner voice starts to talk to this individual.  This "voice" is nothing more than the cultural conditioning which was ingrained by those who were around us.  Suddenly, even though our new BDSM practitioner is excited about the prospects of finally living how he or she wishes, an inner struggle results.  Instead of chasing this way of life with complete vigor, one starts to hesitate while questioning the decisions.

I am here to tell you this is completely normal behavior.  Most people are unaware of the conditioning that took place.  In addition, even when one is mindful that it exists, the power is still overwhelming.  It takes a great deal to break decades of indoctrination.  The process started when we were infants and continues to present day.  It is everywhere.  Hence, many find themselves fighting what is considered "normal" with the inner desire for fulfillment.


They say a problem that is properly defined is half solved.  This is something I found to be true and,  in this instance, awareness is a major part of the challenge.  When considering any aspect of the BDSM world, especially the more extreme aspects, be mindful that you will encounter an inner struggle.  Also, utilize the knowledge that what is actually taking place is a collision of beliefs.  Society tells us what is normal and deviating from that, we are told, carries a great deal of risks.  This is something to be mindful of.

Being ostracized is not something anyone openly seeks.  Nevertheless, it is a factual part of the decision-making process.  There are times in life when people do not like our decisions.  This is inescapable.  Each time we elect to pursue something that makes us happy, especially if it is outside the bounds of what is deemed "normal", we risk alienating some people.  Sadly, these people are usually the ones who care about us the most.  These individuals are well meaning and want what is best for us as long as it conforms to what they feel is appropriate.

These are factors that you must be attentive to.  This is one of the main reasons why I tell new people to keep their choices to themselves.  So many want to announce to everyone that he or she is a slave (for example).  This is the wrong move.  Most will not understand unless they grew up in a BDSM environment.  Since that is very few of us, I am going to say that one is putting him or herself at extreme risk when taking this approach.  Less is more as they say.

The other factor that enters into this picture is for you to be aware that, no matter what you desire, there are others who are living in that manner.  Every slot on the BDSM spectrum contains people who are presently engaged in that behavior.  All fetishes are covered and available if you will seek them out.  While many will label you weird, sick, or perverted, the truth is there are individuals for whom that (whatever that is) is normal.  It is a part of their everyday existence.  While some find it extreme, to them, it is just a part of their Wednesday.

So in closing, today, be prepared for some conflict when starting your BDSM journey.  A great deal of the battle with happen within you.  At some point, you will need to resolve the separation between what you want and the dogma you were raised with.  Again, unless you were exposed to the BDSM environment growing up, this separation exists and will need to be bridged.  And, the further you go out on the spectrum, i.e. the more extreme, the wider this gap gets.  It can be resolved, it just takes effort on your part.


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