April 26, 2010


I will start by stating that this post is going to tick some people off.  However, it is something I feel moved to write after encountering a few people who struck me as real.  They were the types who we all seek out when we enter this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, these people were experiencing the same frustration as most because of all the pretenders.


Slavery is extreme!

This is something that is non-negotiable in my opinion.  Too many try to water down the concept to fit a variety of lifestyle choices.  To me, this is not what it is all about.  I see so many who want to remove the idea of Total Power Exchange (TPE) from the equation.  They want to term themselves "slaves" while retaining power over choices in life.  This is not what it is all about.

A slave is someone who opts to give all up to another.  It is that simple.  I do not know why such a basic idea got turned upside down.  But it did.  Somewhere along the way, people decided that this was going to be an all-encompassing term.  I disagree with this sentiment.

The choice of being a slave is something that only a few can actually live up to.  It is extreme in the sense of how one agrees to live his or her life.  I can attest that it is not for the weak.  It takes great strength, courage, and knowledge to be able to completely turn oneself over to another.  Those that do it deserve the utmost of respect.  At the same time, their lot in life should not be degraded by all those who want to "play slave".


Anyone who opts to live as a slave is agreeing to be seen as property.  That is what a slave is.  It is one that is owned and used as the one in possession sees fit.  This is another idea that has been diluted over the years.  There are no rules when it comes to how one uses a particular item that is owned by him or her.

My sofa is a prime example.  I am free to do whatever I wish to is since I own it.  I can piss on it if I see fit.  Sleeping on it naked is my choice.  Masturbating and covering it with cumstains is an option I hold.  And, nobody else can say anything about how I use my sofa.  There is no right or wrong way for me to treat my possession.

A slave is the same way.  Anyone who truly wants to live this aspect oft he lifestyle should remember the extreme nature of this idea.  When one submits to another, he or she is agreeing to be on the same plane as anything else that particular Master owns.  Property is picked up and used based upon the desire of the owner.

The "Cherished" Slave

I cannot tell you how many I ran into who have the desire to be "cherished".  This is an idea that seems common among the Gorean types.  They are led to believe that their service and submission is something that a Master should hold in high regard.  In my opinion, this is nothing more than an attempt to put themselves on an ego-driven pedestal.  It is a method for him or her to dictate the treatment that will be received.

Here is a secret: the treatment received in a M/s relationship is solely at the discretion of the one in charge.  Just like I can do whatever I want to my sofa, the same holds true for my slave.  I treat that person with respect, indignation, or contempt.  All decisions reside with me and my concern is not how she will receive them.  Her service is a value to me and I get results that I like, but she is no more cherished than some of the other items that I own.


This is something else that goes against our basic social conditioning.  A slave's thoughts or feelings are mostly irrelevant except when asked for.  There are times when I value my slave's input.  However, as for the way she receives the decisions that I make, that is a consideration that is not needed on my part.  She agreed to this when she submitted to me.

Again, this is another example of the extreme nature of this aspect of the lifestyle.  A slave is used for the benefit of the Master.  How he or she perceives the situation is immaterial.  They often get upset at the decisions that are made.  That is a part of the lifestyle.  Feelings are not facts and the central fact is that when one is owned, he or she is treated accordingly.


The Master/slave dichotomy is a harsh one.  There are many times when a slave will be treated with respect.  However, there are others when she is on the end of a whim of the Master.  This could come in any for including anger, sexual, sadistic, and neurotic.  A Master might show compassion one minute while telling her to clean out the garage the next. 

This is a 24/7 way of life.  There are no holidays or days off.  One cannot earn vacation time.  A slave is expected to be on call every minute of everyday.  She forfeits the choice of establishing her own schedule or maintaining her friends.  All is given is only done so with the approval of the Master.  A slave cannot earn anything.  It is all granted to her by another.

I will tell you this way of life is too harsh for most.  They cannot handle the one-sidedness of all interaction.  Service is something that few actually consider and how literally the meaning is taken.  When you are in my service, you are completely under my domain.  I will utilize you how I see fit.  Most cannot handle this yet this is what being a slave is all about.  Sadly, those who are presently living this way are being disgraced by all the frauds online who simply sign up for a site and call themselves "slave".  

Remember this idea the next time you encounter someone who claims they are seeking to live 24/7 as a slave.  The odds are they are not equipped to live in this manner.  Only a small percentage have what it takes.

Next, I will write a post about what it takes to truly live as a Master. You will not be surprised to know that most who profess to be Masters are not.

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April 24, 2010

3rd Wanted-True Poly

This is something that is plastered all over the internet in various forms. "Sub/slave wanted to join couple". "Another woman wanted for poly relationship". "My alpha slave wants a beta slave".

It seems that every second or third advertisement is promoting the desire to find another woman to join their poly "family". Certainly, this is one of the freedoms of the BDSM life and, since more women are bi, it only makes sense.

But, what are these people really seeking? Are those who claim to be poly actually that? Or is it more of the "kinky sex" barrage that we see so common among the online players.

BDSM Is More Than Sex

This is something that you see me write about in every few posts. I believe this is the biggest misconception among those who are just learning about this way of life. The images that are promoted online lead people to conclude that BDSM is all about tie people up and whipping them senseless. At least that is the impression given off by the professional website seeking to sell their products.

Of course, my regular readers know how much I detest this idea. Sex has its place in a BDSM relationship just like it does in the vanilla world. However, like there, few relationships are made up exclusively based upon sex. There are so many other areas to a relationship than just the sexual arena. In fact, I found that sex is the easiest part of all relationships. It is the other stuff that makes life difficult.


Being a dominant is not an easy road to trek. Anyone who has experience within this aspect of the lifestyle knows that it is wrought with lots of pitfalls. Personally, I made more than my fair share of mistakes. Sadly, it is something that I continue to this day. Being a dominant is a continual learning experience. Every situation is different and requires consistent diligence if one is to be successful.

As mentioned, the sexual arena tends to be the easiest to handle. When I see those advertisements seeking another live-in slave, I question whether the dominant is aware of what he is in for (I will stick to the male dominant role in this post). So many online fail to truly grasp the enormous responsibility that comes along with being a Dom/Master. Having one's life in your hands is something that takes years of practice and daily commitment. It is not as simple as just accepting someone's submission. The online world really blurs the magnitude of the responsibility that is faced by people in real time.

That being said, having one under your control is tough enough. Add another one to the mix only compounds the problems on a large scale. Instead of having to manage one relationship, a Dom/Master in this instance is forced to run three relationships. Oftentimes, the most difficult relationship is between the two slaves. This is where personality conflicts tend to manifest themselves the most.

The Alpha Slave

Many believe their solution is the "alpha slave". This is the idea that the first slave becomes the "lead slave". The new added one is to act as the beta slave following the dictates of, not only the Dom/Master, but also the other slave. Here is where I begin to see difficulties immediately.

To start, what is the qualifications of the alpha slave to dominate? Is she a switch who was only serving in a submissive role? If that be the case, then I presume it can work. However, if she is truly submissive, her foray into domination will be a total wreck.

One cannot serve two Masters. This is a saying that goes back centuries and applies to many areas of life. It is equally applicable to the BDSM world. Now I realize there are many who take exception to this idea but it is my experience that it is true. Someone has to be in charge and that is the leader of the family. Too many leaders will leave you with no indians.

I believe that an alpha slave is just a term designed by people who want the title of "slave" without having the willingness to earn it. Being a slave requires a total commitment to working on surrender. It is not a one time event. Those who want to dictate to others what they will and will not do are not slaves. Alpha slaves appear to fall into this category in my opinion.

True Poly

There is no inherent preferential relationship in a true poly situation. This is a misnomer of the poly world. Some believe in the concept of primary and secondary relationships. This is incorrect since there is an inherent inequality among the two relationships in their design. Obviously, under this scenario, the primary is more important than the secondary. To me, this is simply the adding of a playmate to an existing relationship.

True poly is the addition of another relationship that is established on equal footing with the other. Naturally, inequalities will arise based upon knowledge, personalities, locality, and abilities. No two people are created equal and one will be served in many different ways. Thus, one slave might provide more valuable service to the dominant one because of some of the aforementioned factors. However, these are not inherent inequalities established with the relationship. It is the ability to serve that creates the difference.


When one truly is adding another to a family, it is similar to the addition of another child. Can you see parents establishing a hierarchy among their children by calling one "primary" and the other "secondary". Of course not. They love each child equally with difference being based upon individual abilities. Older children are able to handle more responsibilities thus receive more benefits in that area.

A poly family operates in the same manner. The addition of another should not be based upon a hierarchy. This is why many relationships are destroyed before they even begin. Show me a situation where this exists and I will share with you how it will end. Anyone who serves in a dominant role when creating a poly family needs to be aware of each person's needs. No two people (subs/slaves) are the same. Each will have different desires. Happiness is met when the majority of these desires are fulfilled.


Growth is a vital component to any relationship. It is something that is magnified in the BDSM world in my opinion since we operate in a manner that is so different from what people were raised with. Mainstream society does not promote the ideals that we hold true. Therefore, whenever someone is new to a situation, there is a period of adjustment. This is where the first slave can assist the newer slave.

Many Doms/Masters have a particular protocol that is unique to them. In fact, I would say that all dominant types have a different way of doing things. For this reason, a submissive is responsible for learning exactly what that person is seeking. One who dealt with a Dom/Master for a while will be aware of his tendencies. She can share her experience with the newer person to foster her growth. In the end, this will make the head of the family happier since the transition is lessened.

Therefore, the "alpha" slave can act as a teacher for the newer person. However, this does not make her dominant. The only reason she has a higher position is her familiarity with that particular Dom/Master. She is not a dominant figure and her knowledge advantage will dwindle as time passes. That is when individual ability and interaction with the Dom/Master enters. Ultimately, each is judged based upon what she offers to the dominant figure.

3rd Wanted

Getting back to the original advertisements that I mentioned, most are simply looking for a playmate. They have no interest in living in a poly relationship. Too many seem to think that, because they are already there, they are the defacto head of household. This is not true. There is only one head and that is the dominant one. Everyone after that is in a service capacity. No one relationship is more important than the rest.

Therefore, when you read these ads, ask yourself if the writers actually have any idea what poly is. Consider what one will encounter when walking into a relationship such as this. I often wonder why anyone would put herself in a situation such as this. Of course, in the beginning, there is some fun sexual encounters. However, after that nirvana wears off, how will she feel living as the third wheel in the relationship? Because of the previously established hierarchy, she will never be seen as an equal regardless of what she does. Her relationship is expected to be subservient to the other one. This is how it is structured. To deny this truth is foolhardy.

Remember this idea if you are considering getting involved with another couple. Everything is not always as smooth as advertised.

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April 19, 2010

What Is A Fake?

This is a term I hear all the time: "fake". In fact, it is something that I use regularly myself to describe people with whom I encounter in the online world. However, did you ever take time out to figure out what that means? Until recently, I had not. In this post, I will share what revelations I made in an effort to help you navigate the online BDSM community.

Real and Genuine

These are two terms that I believe need to be looked at.  When someone is genuine, I take that to mean they are a real person and are how they describe themselves.  This is generally at a basic level.  For example, someone who states that she is a woman living in California, age 39 with two children.  If all of this is true, I would call this person "genuine".  She exists and is not misleading with the fundamental facts.  This is something a person can utilize to build a relationship.

However, just because one is genuine does not mean that he or she is "real" in the context of the BDSM community.  I read so many profile of people who proclaim to be certain things when simple logic dictates they are not.  For example, one who proclaims to be a Master simply because he read a few blog posts does not make it so.  This is a person who fails the "real" test. He might be genuine in the context of existing but suffers from an ignorance about what this way of life is.

Therefore, whenever we are interacting with people, we need to determine whether they are both real and genuine.  Just because one exists does not mean they are what he or she proclaims to be.  

Camming or Sex Talk

These are the ones who I encounter who are most commonly called "fakes".  They are the people who log into a chatroom and instantly want to im chat with someone on there.  Usually, this person will seek out anyone who is willing to engage in dirty chat.  The same holds true for those who want to sex cam with others.  They are quick to make their intentions known.

People who are online who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle will instantly size these people up as fakes.  But are they?  While I will admit they have no intention of being part of this way of life, they most often are up front about what they want.  Their entry online is for a particular purpose that differs than those of us who are actively promoting and interacting with "lifestylers".  Nevertheless, their motivation is just as valid although the chosen forum might be amiss.

Personally, I do not engage with the cammers and sex chat people.  There are times when I enjoy this activity.  However, I do not log on with the desire to get my rocks off fulfilling an online fantasy.  For this reason, I quickly pass by those who are into this activity.  And, I will fess up that I get just as frustrated when the trolls enter the chatrooms and try to turn every conversation into sex play.  Yet, I also realized these people will leave quicker than a parole exiting prison if he or she does not immediately find reciprocation.  

The Game Players

The cammers and the sex chat people are not the most confusing to me.  It is fairly easy to determine their motivation.  They are apparent in what they want and I hope they find what they are seeking.  The Internet is practical for all kinds of kink.  Their is not different.

That being said, what is dumbfounding to me are those who want to play games online.  Going back to the previously mentioned criteria, why would anyone not be real?  What is their motivation for pretending to be something that they are not?  This is something that I failed to conclude.  It is baffling to me why someone would want to waste the time.  I can only presume their lives are that miserable that they need to create online fantasies.

The "game players" are very common.  These are the ones that elicit the profile posts proclaiming "NO FAKES".  Anyone who spent any time in the online BDSM world has met these people.  A person wakes up one day and decides to be a single 35 years old Master from Chicago when in fact the 59 years old married man from Dallas.  Or we see the 29 year old slave from Minnesota with the 125 pound figure to die for who is really a 48 year old overweight divorcee with 4 kids.  These people exist on a daily basis trying to lure people into their sick fantasy. Sadly, there is little way to decipher them from the real ones until you walk down the path a ways with them.

What Is A Fake?

So, to answer the initial question, a fake is, in my opinion, someone who is not genuine.  I will not phrase the cammers and sex chat people that since I feel they are simply people with a different agenda.  The people who actually exist but are naive to what this lifestyle is all about are true in their minds, thus not worthy of the title.  Their solution is more research and insight to determine exactly where they fit in.  However, if they are genuine, they are someone who can be dealt with on a mature level.

The non-genuine people are the most dangerous.  They are the ones who suck in unsuspecting people with their cons.  Sadly, they are also the ones who will disappear without a trace.  As mentioned, we all ran across them in our travels so getting bit by one is no shame.  Nevertheless, we need to be aware whenever we are interacting with someone unknown to us.  The anonymity of the Internet makes it easy for people to create an online persona which exists only in their mind.  Those who emotionally attach themselves to these people end up being let down.  They are the ones who swear what they have is real only to be exposed to the con that everyone else recognized.

Protecting Yourself

Common sense is your best protection when dealing with the fakes.  There is a natural progression of any interaction whether in real time or online.  Recognizing when the steps are being stalled is a warming sign that something is amiss.  For example, it is common to want to know what the person you are chatting with looks like.  And, at some point, it is acceptable to exchange photos to reveal yourself and vice versa.  Well, if someone is unwilling to do this, that is a cause to question whether this woman is really 125 pounds with blond hair and blue eyes. Another warning sign is the times that he or she is available.  If someone is online only during work hours but unavailable on the weekends or at night, perhaps he or she is tending to the spouse and family.  This is something that you should further question.

Most people see through the fakes in a short period of time.  However, I encounter those who believed in their Dom/Master or sub/slave when it was evident the person wasn't genuine.  He or she did not exist in the manner proclaimed.  Of course, the truth eventually came out but not before there was a great deal of heartache.  Do not fall into this trap.  Use your common sense to sniff out the people who are intentionally misleading you.  It is the difference between making your online experience a good one or a tragedy.

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April 17, 2010

The Online BDSM World

I am going to share my experience with the online world as it pertains to BDSM. This is a subject that is extremely important since I see so many who feel that this is the world we live in. It is not. Online is termed "virtual" for a reason. At the end of the day, you are interacting with nothing more than characters and fonts. You hope their is a true person on the other end; but you cannot be certain.

Increased Exposure

The Internet helped to bring the BDSM lifestyle from the dark ages out into the open. Like most alternative lifestyles, before the World Wide Web, we were relegated to existing as a fringe group where word was spread from person-to-person. Small groups gathered in areas which allowed for the meeting of local people. However, it was a slow process with information limited. Basically, your chances of meeting someone experienced was minimal.

At the same time, publications were limited since the potential market was unknown. While I always believed the majority of people had an interest in at least part of what we were involved in, publishers had no way of knowing how large this market is. For that reason, books and other literature was offered only by independents. Sadly, their reach was more regional thus limiting the exposure people had.

This all changed with the advent of the Internet. Now, you can log on and meet millions of lifestyle people with a few clicks. Because of the success of many websites, we see the market for this life is bigger than most thought. Indeed, the majority of people do like what we have to offer even if they are not full-blown "lifestylers". Nevertheless, there are aspects of this way of life that people take and apply to their own relationships. This led to an increasing of those who come in contact with this lifestyle.

Increased Stupidity

With the increase in exposure came an uprising in the stupidity exhibited by those who we encounter. Sadly, most people who are floating around different chatrooms and websites are fakes in some way. This assertion is based upon years of floating around the Internet and interacting with thousands of different people. In the end, there are a few different types you will encounter which I will write about in another post. For the time being, just be confident in the fact that most are not real. If you can take only this point with you, you will be better off.

There are many different motivations for people getting involved with a particular website within the BDSM community. Typically, from my experience, it is to "get their rocks off". It is a fantasy to most people. They have images in their mind of controlling/being controlled by another person so they enter a chatroom to play these ideas out. Never do they have the intention of moving to another level. Instead, it is an interactive way to masturbate. Instead of popping in a porn video, they now have someone else joining in the play.

Along with this, you have a group of people who believe that all are open to rudeness and abuse. Since most of them have no intention of proceeding any further with an interaction, they simply do not care how they come off. They feel if someone is submissive, then he or she is weak and meant to be talked down to. Of course, those truly into BDSM know this is not the case. It takes strength to be submissive and those who choose this path are only fulfilling an inner desire.

The Benefits

In spite of all the drawbacks, there is tremendous individual benefit to the Internet within the BDSM community. On a personal level, one is able to interact with a variety of people from across the world which previously were off limits. As mentioned, when signing on, one can interact with thousands of people who were previously unavailable due to geographic placement. This opens the potential pool of people.

Education is another benefit of the web.  While I will cede there is a great deal of misinformation, many blogs are written regularly detailing people's accounts within this lifestyle.  These are first hand accounts that people share for the benefit of others.  Whereas, in the past, one would need face-to-face contact to gain this insight, now it can be done by clicking on one's bookmarks.

Another advantage to the Internet is that one is able to find his or her particular kink.  Every fetish imaginable has a room someone that is open to membership.  This is how we often find the like minded people that we are searching for.  Because we are drawing from a larger potential pool, the chances of finding someone who shares your outlook is greatened.  Often, we are limited with our choices locally; that is no longer true with this medium.

Navigating Through To Success

Now that we struck upon some of the pros and cons of the Internet as it pertains to BDSM, how do we go about being successful.  Here I am going to spell out a few ideas that I found helpful.  

To begin, it is crucial to understand that this is a game of numbers.  We acknowledge there are many different motives for entering into an online discussion.  It is imperative that we remember not everyone is there for the same reason.  Many are just seeking to pass the time with erotic chat.  If you know this going in, you will not be disappointed when you encounter someone of this ilk.

The Internet does work and successful relationships are built on a daily basis.  My present slave moved to me from the United Kingdom.  She is a person who I never would have located in a million years using the traditional methods of munches.  So, when you are encountering the pretenders, hold faith that it is possible to enjoy success.

That being said, here is my multi-million dollar formula for online BDSM success.  Since you are a regular reader of my blog, I am going to share it with you for free.  This one idea will radically change your life.  Are you ready for it?  

Ultimate Online Success

The key to online success that works in each and every situation is this: GET INVOLVED! Ponder that for a moment before reading on.

Why do I mention something so simple as a methodology for online BDSM success?  Because so few people do it.  In fact, they do the exact opposite.  This opens the window for anyone who is seeking to find someone real.

Do you know what I commonly encounter in my travels around the web?  Typically, I will run into a post like this "seeking real time slave (Master) for TPE. No fakes. Hit me up".  Ironically, these same people will also post a couple weeks later how that site is filled with nothing but fakes.  Well, duh.  Of course they will not attract anyone who is serious.  They offered nothing for a person to grasp onto.  Should one simply jump at the offer that this person is now available? Well, judging by the results, evidently not.

The bottom line is that people need to get to know you.  Simply stating that you are experienced and seeking something out proves nothing.  To overcome this challenge, one simply needs to start posting in forums and chatrooms.  Start to express some of the knowledge that you have.  This starts to instill confidence in the people who are following you.  Also, avoid the instant "sex talk".  Any fool can do this.  Begin to inquire about what the other person is offering you in return.  Relationships are a two way street.  The way to success if to start developing a relationship with each person you encounter.  This will quickly eliminate the fakes.

***My online BDSM community located at http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/ is a great place to start this process.  Come join us here.

Try this for a couple of weeks and let me know how it works out for you.

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April 12, 2010

Poly Lifestyle in BDSM

As I travel around the 'net, I see many who are looking for someone to join their "poly" family. Usually, this scenario involves a couple seeking a bi female. What I started to wonder is how many of these people are actually offering a poly relationship versus those seeking a playmate.

Truly Poly

How many people are truly poly? That is a number that is impossible to calculate. However, there are some estimates that place the number of people involved in poly relationships at somewhere around 1 million in the United States. Of course, most poly advocates believe that the number would be substantially higher if not for the negative social conditioning that we have in this country.

Before going any further, it is important to define what we are saying when we mean "poly". From my understanding, there are basically two types of relationships that people are referring to when mentioning this word. The first, and probably most common, is polysexual. This is where a couple has an open relationship sexually. They will include other people in this capacity but the primary "love" relationship still remains in tact.

This differs from polyamorous which involves loving more than one person. Under this relationship, the emotional attachment is not just relegated to the primary relationship. The individuals are free to choose intimacy with other people. Here, sex is secondary. The emotional attachment is what these people are seeking.

One of the biggest differences between the two is that in polyamorous relationships, one of the parties needs to be poly. What that means is that he or she has the ability to love more than one person simultaneously. Compare that with polysexual where each person has the ability to screw another. However, that does not mean either party is polyamorous.

Poly In BDSM

What does the typical scenario look like in the BDSM world where poly is involved. As mentioned, I believe the most common situation is where a couple decides they want to invite another person (usually a woman) into their relationship. Here we have a woman who is bisexual thus they seek out another bi woman to complete their "family". Wrapped within the boundaries of BDSM, we find that our couple is seeking a submissive female to play with the dominant male and switch female.

It is at this time that we should distinguish what is transpiring here. While this is referred to as poly, it actually is a polysexual situation. Some will try to pass it off as polyamorous. However, the hierarchical makeup removes that argument. In this situation, even if the first woman is not a Domme (or switch), she is higher up on the chart because of her relationship with her man. This is magnified if they are a married couple since there is the commitment level to each other. The new person is being added as a "third wheel". She is not on equal footing. The primary relationship remains uneffected.

As mentioned earlier, the odds are that the male (in this situation) is not polyamorous. He emotional connection is to his wife/girlfriend while the other person is added as a playmate. While not stated, this is shown to be true whenever emotional connections arise outside of the primary relationship. The first woman will put an end to it if she sees another relationship forming that rival hers. It is important to remember that most are agreeing to polysexual only. They still believe the "love" is reserved for them.

V and Triad

A polyamorous relationship has a completely different makeup. Under this type of relationship, there is one person who is poly. If you picture a V in your mind, this person would occupy the intersection of the two lines. (Let us use a male for our example) The lines of the V symbolize the relationship with the two women who each occupy a spot at the end. Thus, a V is formed when it is drawn out.

A triad relationship is made by joining the two women together. This can occur if an intimate relationship develops between the two of them. Oftentimes, they are just friends but others, they are involved sexually and/or romantically. This is how a relationship moves from a V to a triad.

Notice that the idea here is that equality is maintained in the sense that there is no primary relationship. Each relationship is equal to the other in polyamorous situations. Naturally, hierarchies can be established when the domination/submission aspects of BDSM are mixed in. However, polyamorous means there is equality between both relationships.

But She Is My Wife

This is where most will stray off the reservation. When challenged with the proper definitions, a man will proclaim that nobody is going to be able to compete with his wife. She is the one he married and that is where his commitment is. For this reason, I feel that people are misleading when mentioning they are seeking a poly household. What they are after is a third sex partner. That is all. While they will be friendly with her, the fact remains that nothing is going to penetrate the initial relationship. Most who claim to be poly actually cannot the emotional attachment with two people. What they really want is open-ended group sex.

I bring this up to all who are considering joining another couple to be a part of the poly "family". What are you truly getting into? This is something that I see happening all the time yet most are surprised when things go awry. They felt they were entering into a situation where they were going to be involved with two people. Naturally, they are sexually; emotionally is a different story. Submitting to him actually means submitting to her also.

What About M/s?

M/s is an area where poly is less problematic. I believe the nature of a M/s relationship is the reason for this. Whenever one lives as a slave, he or she is committed to living for the other person. During the power exchange, it is agreed that the Master (Mistress) will do as he or she sees fit. Oftentimes, this involves bringing in other people. This could be sexually or emotionally. The choice is up to him or her.

In addition, the "primary" relationship contains a built-in hierarchy. Since it fundamentally is one of power exchange, the slave has no say in how other relationships are structured. This is not the case in the vanilla world or even in the D/s arrangements I have seen. If you want to see the elimination of the hierarchy, witness the behavior of a wife (even if submissive) when her husband gets swept up in the new relationship energy that is created. Her eyes will be filled with green.

While there is the chance of this in the M/s world, many slaves are trained to put their wants and desires secondary. They live a life to please the one they serve. If taking on another person is what he or she wants, then that is how it is. Most end up happy that Master is happy. For this reason, I believe there is a greater acceptance of another while placing that person on equal footing.

Most Are Just Play

The bottom line is that I believe most are not seeking a true poly situation. Instead, they are simply seeking a third to join them for sexual adventures. They will use the guise of poly in an effort to take things to another level. However, as was shown, there is no equality among the same sex parties. The truth is that the new relationship will always be deemed secondary.

Be careful of what you are entering into. I would suggest questioning the people you are getting involved with. Ask them if you are going to be expected to take a back seat to what they already have established. I would say that most times you will have to. If this is acceptable to you, then you are ready to move forward. However, if you are seeking something greater, then you might want to reconsider.

The truth is that most poly situations do not work out because people have misleading impressions of what will happen. Poly is a very difficult way to live. While it is rewarding, it requires a lot of effort on all parties involved. The poly one is responsible for monitoring how much time and interaction is given to each person. At the same time, jealousy is something that the other two will deal with on a regular basis. All these issues can be worked out but they require focus, attention, and a lot of communication. Playing is easy; having a happy poly household is not.

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April 5, 2010

Where Is The Service

This is another one of those posts that seems like common sense but obviously is not since I see so much to the contrary in the online world. What gets me, is that people actually think this is reflective of what the lifestyle is all about. Sadly, they are in for a huge awakening.

Sex Sex Sex

For 90% of the online traffic, this is all there is to the BDSM lifestyle. The vast percentage of people believe that BDSM is all about engaging in all the kinky behavior that was suppressed over the years. Few ever get past this mindset to uncover what BDSM is truly about.

Certainly, there is a sexual component in all of our relationships. However, for those that last, there is a lot more to it than just horsing around (literally or figuratively). The domination aspect of the lifestyle extends to all areas of life. Sex is just one part of it.

Part of what drives this is the imagery we are presented with. The porn industry does a terrific job promoting the concept of "dungeon" sex. It is in their best interest to get people fantasizing in this manner. This is what sells their videos. However, it does not properly reflect what the true lifestyle is all about.


The story of Cinderella is a better reflection of how a slave is to live. If you remember the story, Cinderella is held captive by her older step sisters. She lives a life that is devoid of romance and happiness. Instead, her days are filled doing menial chores around the house. This is what her place is. Instead of picturing one who is hogtied, perhaps it is more accurate to envision a woman on her knees cleaning the floor. That is what being a slave is all about.

This leads to the second part of the story. Prince Charming is the one who comes to the rescue. Again, I see so many who buy into this idea. One has a terrible track record with relationships, finds the BDSM way of life online, submits to another, and life is happily ever after for all. Sadly, we know reality tends to take a different course.

Where Is The Service?

I ask this question in all sincerity. If I drew my conclusion of the lifestyle simply based upon what I see online, I would naturally decide that BDSM was nothing more than amazing sex with multiple partners doing all that I want. I have to tell you that in all my years in this way of life, I never found this to be true. Sure, I have one who will never refuse any of my advancements. However, she serves me in more ways than just sexually.

My BDSM community site contains many posts by people who are both subs and slaves. Nevertheless, reading many of them leads me to the conclusion that they do not serve their Masters in ways other than sexually. There are some who only post about their sexual exploits. To start, this is so childish. Mature adults need not go around bragging about their sexual conquests. That is so junior high. We understand that sexual activities are a part of what we are engaged in.

What is interesting is those who want to promote this idea never really write about the service aspect of the lifestyle. Where does that come in? Based upon my reading, I can only surmise it does not. They believe that submission is relegated only to the bedroom. This is the extent of where the M/s occurs.

Before going any further, I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with bedroom only submission. Many couples opt for this path with wonderful success. However, this is a far cry from 24/7 real time slavery. When one chooses this path, there are a lot of other factors to consider.

As an example, I will share some of what goes on in my house. While I am writing my post, my slave is preparing my dinner. This is after a day where she was off from work which saw her working on a variety of projects that I in motion. Her day started very early this morning and will conclude in a few hours. Her tasks also included ironing my clothes, running to the bank, making some phone calls for me, and making the beds. This is a typical day for her.

Some will feel this is a part of what most people do. Perhaps it is. However, she also works a full time job to bring in revenue to allow me to develop long term projects which will elevate my life to the level that I desire it. This is something that I choose for her and which she is obediently doing. She serves me by doing the things that I want her to do. Sexually she has no limits with me. Of course, that is pretty much a given in the BDSM world. The real test is when one is asked what else he or she does to serve.

BDSM Is Not Glamorous

Many see the lifestyle from the outside and want to romanticize it. The truth is that, overall, the BDSM way of life is just like every other lifestyle choice. It is not something that is glamorous. Life happens and we have the same challenges as everyone else. That basic difference is how we structure the power within our relationships.

That is not to say that BDSM is not a wonderful lifestyle choice. For me, it is. However, I see so many who do not have their eyes open to reality. They think that giving of oneself sexually makes them a slave. In my experience, a slave needs to concentrate on serving. While this is not the most glamorous way to live, it is the one that is fulfilling for both parties.

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April 4, 2010

First You Learn Then...

The proverbial cart before the horse applies to the BDSM community. These two go together like bears to honey. People seem to get everything mixed up when they first find this way of life. This post will help to clarify things.

Learn. Learn. Learn

Few seem willing to take the time to learn what the hell this way of life is all about. Instead, they believe because they woke up one day believing they were dominant or submissive, this is the life for them. For many, this is true. However, as regular readers of this blog know, there are many different facets to this way of life. Also, none of us are born with the inherent instincts to be a good Master or slave. Everything that pertains to this way of life requires education, study and practice. It takes dedication to be successful in BDSM.

The foundation of BDSM is a relationship. We are involved with another person(s) to some degree. Hence, basic interpersonal skills are the first requirement. What is sad is that many, if they had any to start, seem to lose these skills once finding BDSM. Common sense characteristics go right out the window. What was once a fairly smart and logical person suddenly because a gullible fool apt to be used by anyone who comes along. This is something I suggest you avoid.

A way to counteract much of what happens, is to educate yourself about this way of life. The simple truth is that much of what we are into is radically different from what the mainstream teaches us. We are into a lifestyle that celebrates power division to the point where a total exchange of power can occur. Naturally, this is far removed from the idea of equality that the vanilla world espouses. Also, we have a terminology and protocol which again is separate from what we grew up with.

Therefore, education is the only proper route to take. Those who seek knowledge by reading and studying are the ones who are going to succeed. Unfortunately, this is the minority of people that I encounter.

Rush Into A Relationship

If you want a sense of how people acted during the Gold Rush in the 1800s, simply look at any BDSM chatroom. You will see people who were in this lifestyle under a week suddenly with their true "One". The submission process takes all of about 5 minutes from start to finish. These people have no idea what the hell is going on yet they are suddenly involved in a full-blown BDSM relationship. Of course, like the Florida weather, if you do not like something, wait an hour and it will change. These relationships end up cracking since there is no foundation with either party.

Resist the temptation to rush into a relationship with anyone in the BDSM community, especially online. The reason for this is simple: a new person cannot distinguish between someone who is knowledgeable and speaking from experience compared to someone who is spitting out stuff he or she read on a website. The pretenders (or fakes) are large in number. Knowing the difference is a skill that is imperative. The only way I know to prepare for these people is to arm yourself with knowledge. Again, this is done by reading and interacting with those in the know.

The Submission Process

In my best-selling book, An Owned Life, I laid out the process in which submission ought to take place. This was developed from watching hundreds of relationships go awry because people "put the cart before the horse". The ideas that I am sharing here follow the same pattern. There is a path to success if one is willing to follow it.

Submission is something that is exciting and natural for those who are designed for it. At the same time, those who are dominant are fulfilled by accepting this from another. However, as you can imagine, the idea of accepting one's submission simply because it is offered is ludicrous. So is offering it to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who comes along. There are certain things that one should look for in another before entering in a BDSM relationship.

The lifestyle has a lot to offer. There are many who committed to this way of life because they did the internal reflecting necessary to arrive at a life-changing conclusion. Most, unfortunately, are not willing to go through this effort. For that reason, we seem to have many "fly by night" people who are here to test the waters out. They get into a BDSM relationship to see if they will like it. Wrong. That is a recipe for certain disaster.

Before anything else can happen, one must be willing to commit to this way of life. Reversing the process is akin to deciding to forgo heterosexuality since your first relationship did not work out. Most fail in their first relationship yet remain true to their sexual preference. The same exists within the BDSM world. One must be true to the lifestyle before committing (through the giving or acceptance of submission) to another. It is logical although something that is commonly lacking.

Your Challenge

Your challenge is to learn as much as you can about the many facets of the BDSM world. After a reasonable amount of study, you should have the ability to interact with people on a knowledgeable level. Believe me when I tell you that it does not take a great deal of knowledge to separate yourself from the pack. Most are playing games in ways which just fulfill fantasies. This is not what BDSM is all about. Certainly, we engage in a sexual element that makes most jealous. However, there is a much deeper level that most seek out. If you are one who truly wants this, I hypothesize that you fit into this category.

I put together my social site as a mean of bringing together people who are serious about this way of life. I suggest you visit it and become active in some of the different forums and blogs posts. There are groups set up which cover some of the facets of this way of life. Join them to start expanding your mindset. Getting involved in the sharing of knowledge is an effective way of approaching this lifestyle. Those of us who are around the block a while are perfectly willing to share our experience with those who truly seek to learn. Is that you?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

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