June 24, 2011

The Natural Process

We all know the Internet has created an atmosphere where things are different then they were years ago. One area in particular that changed is with protocol. Before, while existing in certain circles, protocol was limited to an individual choice. For example, a Master might have some particular protocol that he expected his slave to follow. It was an individual choice regardless of others around. At the same time, certain groups might have particular ideas that were followed. However, there was nothing concrete with flexibility available.

The Internet changed all that. Today, there are an assortment of ideas which are mandated by the online community. Enter into a chatroom and you will be expected to behave in a certain manner. Fail to follow the proper tradition and risk being chastised in a major way. This is especially true for those who profess to be Gorean.


A fundamental mistake that proponents of this concept make is that D/s and M/s are relationships. They are not scripted events that can be laid out like a play. While many believe that a book written in the 1970s contains all the answers to what one encounters in life, the truth is it does not. Adhering to this idea is akin to believing that Dr. Spock had all the answers for raising a child. Any parent will tell you there were a few chapters missing in his books. The same is true for the BDSM world. No matter how much you adhere to protocol, it does not provide all the instances which you will encounter.

People need to realize that relationships are made up of and centered around individuals. Each person brings certain attributes to the interaction while seeking to get something out of it that satisfies some need(s). Therefore, these mechanisms are dynamic simply in the fact that everyone on this planet is different and few of us fit ideally into a 'box'.

Protocol is an attempt at a shortcut to success. This means that those who implement it to the degree where it becomes almost religious are trying to absolve themselves of the time and effort required to establish a successful relationship. It is a proven fact that relationships take work. I feel most fail because they depend upon the protocol to run their relationships as opposed to doing it themselves.

The Submission Process

Much is written about the process one goes through to submit. As I travel around the Internet I see a ton of protocol pertaining to this subject. Sadly, other than for a good laugh, most of it is worthless.

Once again we get back the the basic idea that relationships are about individuals. It is impossible to design a plan of operation that will encompass everyone. In fact, I find that you cannot even do this for most of the people. Individuality is something that is at our core as humans. Therefore, having a written agenda of how one is to submit is inane.

So, how does this process work if not by protocol? Simple. Submission happens naturally. It is something that two people who are designed for this lifestyle can feel as it is happening and understand. There is no fight for or against it. The interaction leads to more natural decisions. It is a route that is followed in keeping with one's natural core.

Therefore, the submission process is nothing more than a natural interaction between two people. Here, you have one who is dominant and another who is submissive. Those two criteria provide a basis for a match. From that point, the communication entails exchanging ideas about what each person likes and dislikes. This is called determining if two people are compatible. After that, the discussions will consist of topics such as long term life plans, logistical facts, and time periods for moving forward if that is the chosen path. Contrary to what the online community believes, the fact that one is dominant and the other submissive are not the only requirements for a successful relationship.

Finally, the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together. I find that the submission process happens naturally. There is no one moment in time where she offers it and he accepts it. Instead, it is something that is moved towards on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered). The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is occurring. Each can feel it and is, hopefully, happy about it. Ultimately, we are all seeking fulfillment. Tapping into that core essence is how we accomplish this. BDSM is a way many of us reach this zenith in our daily lives.

Consider this idea the next time you see someone asking about the submission process or trying to find out how one finds a Master. The answer is to interact like a human being. Communicating like and dislikes as a means of establishing compatibility is essential. Too often this step if overlooked. It is a simple fact that it is impossible to get along with everyone. The one you might be chatting with could be someone who will make your skin crawl in a few months. Take the time in the beginning to find a path that feels natural for you. Remember, there should not be any forcing of the situation. Successful relationships are never forced.

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June 11, 2011

Come To Depend

Dependence is a word that has a mixed meaning in our society. For many, it is a way to view an interaction between two people which shows safety and security. At the same time, many view it as a sign of weakness since we are taught that we are to be independent. Those who have to rely on others are looked upon as inferior. Thus, we have to delve into the subject to determine what is healthy and effective.

Unhealthy Dependency

We see many who are completely dependent upon another. While this could be a good thing, in the instances I am referring, it is unhealthy and dangerous. Many suffer from dependency issues. In psychology, they often view this as a result of having abandonment issues. Those who suffer from this are apt to 'latch onto' anyone who comes along. People of this ilk have major inferiority complexes. Thus, the idea of being alone is not acceptable to this person.

So, how does someone like this behave. To start, loneliness is a major part of his/her makeup. The idea of being alone is terrifying. Therefore, he or she will do whatever to get into a relationship. I remember watching a movie where the character said "I would rather be with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones". This sums up the person's mindset.

After getting into a relationship, our over dependent person will do everything to maintain. This is often where abuse is able to enter the picture. Those who suffer from inferiority complexes allow behavior that is intolerable. Outsiders cannot understand 'why she doesn't leave him". The simple fact is that her esteem will not allow it.

Another dangerous situation happens when the other person tries to end the relationship and move on. Our dependent individual is unable to heat of this. We see this all the time in those who 'cannot move on'. They keep referring to the love for the other person. While there is a shred of truth in this, the more accurate description is this person is overly dependent. Of course, the person does not truly need to end the relationship, or even to threaten that. Our fearful individual is always acting out of that fear. His or her mind is always conceptualizing the idea of being abandon. Therefore, all behaviors are done in an effort to prevent this.

Certainly you can see how someone operating from this place is open to being taken abused in so many different ways. Overall, nothing healthy can result.

Healthy Dependency

Now let us take a look at some situations where dependency is healthy.

I am going to start by saying that nobody is a self made person. We see the term 'self made success' thrown around in the business world. This is completely untrue. Success, in any endeavor requires input from many people. For example, knowledge, which is often a key component, is passed down via teachers, mentors, parents, and other influences. Bill Gates might have created Microsoft on his own, but he has a lot of input over the years plus partners who helped him start the venture.

The point that I am making is that none of us is truly independent. Every aspect of our lives necessitates the assistance of others. This is a basic component of a civilized society. Even the food we eat at dinner requires the help of those willing to grow, harvest, package, transport, and sell it. Unless you are one who is out hunting your meals, it is safe to say that you are dependent. Thus, let us get the 'dependence is bad' notion out of our mind.

Children are dependent upon their parents from the day they are born. When we come out of the womb, we are basically helpless, defenseless beings. Other then sending waste from our bodies and exercising our lung capacity, there is very little we can do on our own. Of course, as the years pass, a child is able to attain greater independence. However, as mentioned, the influences are still there are we gain this freedom.

The maturity process does leads to great independence which also yields strength. Those who can assume greater things can do so because their abilities and talents grew. Please bear in mind this also includes the ability to excel emotionally. Maturation means moving from childish to adult. It requires developing esteem for oneself and his/her abilities. This is what allows us to interact with others in a deep manner in a healthy way. We see a complete reversal of the situation that was aforementioned.

So, how does a person in this type of situation behave. To start, he or she is not willing to just run out and accept anyone. Contrary to the quote from the movie I cited, an individual of this ilk will prefer to be alone rather than be with someone for the wrong reasons. "Because I am lonely" is never a valid reason for entering into a relationship. This establishes weaknesses instantly. Success in any field, including social interaction, requires coming from a place of strength.

Another difference is that a healthy person is not living with the perpetual fear that the relationship will end. If the other person is behaving in ways that are unacceptable, he or she is willing to draw the line in the sand and say 'enough'. Obviously, our unhealthy individual is ill-equipped to do this. Abuse, which was a possibility before, is less likely under these circumstances. The internal strength will override any tendency to adopt insensible ideas.

Dependency and BDSM

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. Thus, the scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. Slaves who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master establishes. Nevertheless, a slave comes to rely upon her Master for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately his.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. I was discussing with my slave the other day this idea. She mentioned that, for her, it went from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a slave on a Master. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent and don't need anyone (see above). This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

I find this to be the case each time my slave leaves. While it is not often, I can assure you that I am lost to a degree. While I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, the fact that I allow her to hand so many things in a responsible manner means that much of what occurs takes place without my oversight. Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master becomes dependent upon a slave to meet even his most basic needs.

I could also focus some attention on the emotional needs that a slave fulfills but that could be a thesis all on its own. The point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship. This idea is most recognizable when people are separated for a period of time. In my situation, it has been over 2 years since I was away from my slave for any lengthy period of time. And, I am surprised to see how much I have come to depend upon her. For me, it has paralleled the path taken with my trust. As my trust has grown, so has my dependence; and the same is true for her.

This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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June 9, 2011

Dominant All The Time

We all have our Masters. This is simply a fact of life. Those who live in the real world understand this simply yet imperative concept. However, many seem to like to exist in the fantasy of the Internet which presents a different outlook.


Domination, like submission, is nothing more than a quality that a person has. It is something that comes naturally. For this reason, I find the path into the BDSM world is about uncovering what is naturally within a person. Too many try to 'become' something. My experience is that one needs to look within to see what is already there in an effort to expand and grow that aspect of oneself.

Nevertheless, since we are referring to something that is a quality, it is important to realize how that fits into our lives. Domination is something that comes naturally to many people. However, when one realizes it is a quality (characteristic) of a person, he or she understands that one does not live 'all domination, all the time'. We all have our Masters.

For example, I am of the dominant ilk. Over the years, I owned a number of slaves. My natural desire is to bear the full responsibility of each situation. Control is something I desire, not to make up for a lack within me but, rather, to appease what is at my core. In other words, it is safe to say that I easily fall on the dominant side of the coin.

That being said, there are times when I am as submissive as they come. No, this does not make me a switch. However, put me in front of the judge and you will see a subservient Master. "Yes Sir or Ma'am" will be uttered quite frequently. The same is true when I am pulled over by a police officer. In reality, there are certain people who have control over me because of the authority they wield. If the choice is between keeping my statements respectful or going to jail, the former is the option I like.

Common Sense

When dealing in reality, common sense is a trait that need to be practiced. Too many like the idea of residing in the fantasy world of the Internet where he or she can assume a role completely. While this might have some payoff in terms of enjoyment, nobody, in their right mind can assert that it is real. No common sense is required in this arena. People can be as foolish as they want usually without consequence.

The situation is different for those who dwell in reality. We all need to be prudent in our choices. Those who lack this ability end up creating more trouble for themselves. Those who want to be dominant all the time suffer ill consequences. For example, have you ever walked in and told the owner of the company all that he or she is doing wrong and what you 'know' what needs to be done? If you did, how was that received? Those who walk around the workplace dictating to everyone else what needs to be done, especially without the authority to do so, find themselves out of work. Unemployment is a common outcome.

Relationships are the same way. Most people gravitate towards equitable split relationships. For this reason, most do not like to be 'controlled' by their friends or lovers. They like to have some say in what is done and decisions that are made. Our 'eternal dominant' elicits ill feelings from others. The 'take charge' attitude wears on people. Thus, the consequence is usually a lonely existence.

Common sense dictates that there situations where it is proper to assert one's domination. At the same time, there are also many instances when backing off is the best option. Usually, there is a correlation between whether it is my business or not. If it is my responsibility, then I can express my control. Anything outside of that realm sees me just being overbearing and a know-it-all. Minding my own business is a lesson that is extremely important to learn.

In summary, it is unrealistic to believe that one is dominant all the time. There are situations on a daily basis which mandate letting someone else make the decision. The reasons can be due to authority, experience, or responsibility. Either way, there are times when it is best for a dominant to be submissive while keeping his/her mouth shut.

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