December 29, 2013

Back To Basics: Crucial For BDSM Success

A basic fact of life is we get better at something the more we study or practice it.  This is true in athletics, with musical instruments, or any course of study that we pursue.  No matter what the field of endeavor, as we progress along acquiring knowledge, our skills advance.  However, this fundamental fact also carries with it a negative side.  At times, while on this journey, in our thirst for more, knowledge as an example, we might overlook what we already know.

Basic Building Blocks For Mastery

Martial arts is something that many people pursue.  Obviously, we all have seen the movies where individuals are doing incredible things in a fight scene.  Bruce Lee was a master at his craft and, to this day, his movies are classics for those who like this genre.  It was  not uncommon to see him take on 10 or 15 people and destroy them using his advanced skills.  Naturally, the movies are not reality but the point is that the common person is in awe of this ability.

What is interesting about this craft is that those who achieve Black Belt status, do so by mastering a handful of basic moves.  They do not keep learning more.  Instead, their entire success rests upon the repeated practice and "perfection" of these simple moves.  This is what the advanced degrees in martial arts is all about.  Compare that with the general idea about a particular subject where people are always looking for more or newer ways to excel.

To give you another example, the field of sales is a place where companies and individuals are always trying out new ideas.  Every business needs sales to succeed.  Trained salespeople will spend a great deal of time working on their craft.  Again, like martial arts, we find the sales process is broken down to a few basic building blocks.  A trained salesperson excels at prospecting, qualifying, presenting, closing, and follow up.  These are all the steps, the basic building blocks, of sales success.  If you look at an entity that is struggling with their sales, it is usually in one of these areas.

BDSM Basics

BDSM follows much the same pattern.  We see many "advanced" things online pertaining to our way of life that are of extreme interest to us.  For example, travel around the web and you are certain to come upon fireplay.  Or perhaps, you will encounter a site that talks about cupping.  And let us not forget the wonderful artistic work of rope play.  There are many avenues one could pursue which will provide "advanced degrees" of BDSM play.  Having skills in these areas certainly is intriguing and will set an individual apart.

However, none of this guarantees BDSM success  within a relationship.  In fact, from the people I met over the years who excel at these things, a simple observation is that their home lives are usually in the toilet.  In other words, they are not real successful at translating their excellent skills into the daily routine of a relationship.  Naturally, you will wonder why this is?  My conclusion is these people are more about the "craft" and "wowing" people with their skills that they totally overlook the basics which are required for BDSM success.  This is like the highly intelligent nuclear engineer who forgets to put his socks on. 

BDSM is about discipline.  Those who enjoy success in this way of life, both dominant and submissive, are able to tap into the discipline required to make it through each day.  Now I know that last sentence sounds like a downer; "making it through each day".  Nevertheless, we all know that in relationships, as in life, not everyday is going to be totally orgasmic.  There are times when all we can do is just get through the day without ripping someone's head off.  This is a common trait both in and out of BDSM.  Some days just simple suck raw eggs.

Continually focusing upon the basics of BDSM will help one to continually be in touch with that power which comes from this way of life.  Many of us found a great release when we entered this world.  Compared to the vanilla world, BDSM offered structured, control, and direction.  Of course, it is easy for these things to get lost when traveling through life with all its pitfalls.  That is why those who succeed in their BDSM relationships tend to continually apply efforts in these areas.

Return To The Basics

I once heard it said the best way not to have to return to the basics is to never leave.  Sadly, we all know how easy it is for people to drift from this and forget about what leads to success.  Since we are nearing the end of the year, there are salespeople all over the world who are being called into their manager's offices for the annual review.  They are looking at the past 12 months production in an effort to determine where this person can do better.  I can guarantee that most of these conversations, where one needs assistance, is dwelling upon one, if not a multitude of the basics areas I mentioned before.  Perhaps the salesperson needs to do a better job at prospecting.  Or he/she might need some training on closing skills.  Whatever the problem, it has a basis in one of the basic areas.

The same holds true for BDSM.  If you are finding your relationship is having difficulty, perhaps it is time to get back to the basics.  Go back to the beginning.  Look at the structure of the relationship.  Have you, as a Dominant/Master, handed over too much power to your submissive?  It is not uncommon, through familiarity, for a TPE relationship to lose that power breakdown as a slave earns more responsibility.  At times, when returning to the foundation, it is helpful for one to tighten the reins so to speak to reassert the power within the relationship. 

Remember the early stages of your interaction where permission was required for everything.  Is that still true today?  Again, it is common for people to "slip" in this area.  We see where familiarity upsets things.  Over time, as a Master and slave get to know each other, they fall into a routine where things are done without nary a thought.  It might be best to return to the early days where permission to use the bathroom was required.  Instead of entering into all kinds of advanced play, perhaps your session could be better served with some simple bondage to a chair for an extended period while you watch a football game.  A reassertion of the dominance will do wonders for your relationship.

On the submissive side, do you enter into activities with the idea of service in mind?  Remember the early days where you were excited to do even the most basic of tasks for your dominant?  Is that still the case today?  If you are like most, the answer is no.  Now these chores are begrudgingly done.  Again, I am not attacking anyone who finds herself in this situation since it is totally natural.  How long can one make doing the laundry exciting?  My point is that if we focus upon what is important, service in this instance, we are more likely to receive benefit in our relationship.

So examine what you do each day.  If you are involved with someone else, look at the things you both are doing.  Perhaps re-evaluate the rules that are in place.  Look at what boundaries are set up or, more importantly, were set up which were erased.  You might want to think about re-inserting some of the conditions that were in place when you first got together.  If you are not involved, are you doing the things that enables you to offer more to someone down the road.  Are you taking care of your body by eating properly and exercising?  Do you spend time each day reading about BDSM and the different techniques that exist out there?  Are you maintaining discipline and control over yourself to ensure you have these qualities when you do meet someone?  Can you adapt and change to the variances that life presents or is it a continual battle before you unwillingly accept the inevitable since flexibility and the ability to adapt are essential to relationship success?  All these areas should be focused upon regularly. 

Getting back to basics is a model for success in all areas of life.  Apply it and watch how things change for you.


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December 26, 2013

Taking Care of Oneself

Today I am going to discuss something that should be common sense yet tends to elude so many people, especially those with submissive tendencies.

When you get on an airplane, during the routine where they explain the emergency procedures, when faced with a drop in cabin pressure, the face masks will come down and one should put it on.  One of the interesting things is that they explicitly state that for those traveling with small children, put your mask on first before tending to your child.  This is a very interesting concept.  Why would they do this?

This simple fact of the matter is that one is useless to a child unless he or she is taken care of first.  Imaging trying to put a mask on a child while you are gasping for oxygen yourself.  While some might be able to pull this off, the percentages seem against it.  That is why all the airlines tell passengers to tend to themselves first, then look after another.

Ignoring One's Needs

One of the main tenets of BDSM is service.  Especially in the M/s realm, service is a foundational piece which, sadly, if often overlooked.  The porn industry and the BDSM "romance" novels assist in erasing this central idea.  Instead, they promote the unrealistic aspects of the lifestyle (how many of us really live in a dungeon while beating and screwing another all day?).  Being of service is what a submissive is all about.  When we move into the M/s structure, we see an environment where one exists for the pleasure and benefit of her owner.  Being of maximum use is her calling and where she finds fulfillment.

However, this brings up a situation which is of utmost danger.  While it is wonderful to be giving and selfless, one also needs to think of herself.  What do I mean by this?  The common trait among many submissive types who choose to live this way of life (as opposed to the play persons) is that they are so "other focused" they fail to look after themselves.  This is especially true when one is not involved with another.  Simply because one is single does not mean the tendency leaves this individual.

The truth is we all have basic needs.  A slave who excels is able to balance both the needs of her owner along with herself.  Certainly, she fulfills her role while not abdicating any part of her responsibility to him.  Nevertheless, she also treats herself with the proper respect worthy of being his property.  This is done by taking care of oneself physically (ie proper eating/nutrition, exercise, and rest), emotionally, and mentally.  BDSM is about growth creating the best person possible.  This penetrates every area of our lives.  If one simply overlooks herself in favor of another, this diminishes the value of his property.  At the same time, she also could harm the long-term potential of the relationship.

Self Motivated

As I stated, it is interesting to notice this among those who are not owned.  You would think someone who is not involved with someone, would tend to his/her needs simply out of necessity.  Sadly, this is not so.  The common trait is that one needs the "firm hand" to guide her before progress is made.  To me, this is bogus and a cop out.  The truth is a valuable slave is self motivated to be at her best even if she is not owned. 

This point is really exhibited when I read through profiles on my travels around the web.  We all know that the western cultures have an obesity problem.  BDSM is no different from the general population in this regard.  What I find stands out are all the profiles where one states something to the effect "I need a Master to give me the strength to lose weight because I am not disciplined enough".  Once again, sorry, I do not buy this.  If you do not have the strength and desire when unowned, why would you when you are owned?  Also, why should one take the time to invest in you if you are not willing to do it yourself?

The simple truth is we all know what we need to do for ourselves.  It is not a secret what it means to lead a healthy lifestyle.  We all know the importance of rest and relaxation while doing our best to eliminate stress.  Proper eating is important.  So is sleep and exercise.  Social interaction with others (hopefully over the age of 5 for all you young mothers out there) is necessary.  We also need to turn off the television and Facebook once in a while instead, opting to read a book.  Finally, interacting with our loved ones, non-sexual in nature, is crucial.  All these activities help us to become a well balanced person.  Yet, none of it will occur unless one is motivated on him/her own.

Best Leaders

There is an old saying which says "the best leaders are those who followed the best".  I find this idea very applicable to the BDSM world because I see so much of the "do as I say not as I do" mentality.  The truth is what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  Okay, I am done with the dopey cliches.  My point is that, while focusing thus far on the submissive types, this idea applies equally to dominants.  I am continually amazed at those who are unable grasp this simple concept.  For whatever reason, they believe that being dominant is a license to exempt themselves from everything they state.

A true Master is able to take care of himself.  Many of the same things I mentioned above for the submissives also applies to the dominants.  In fact, this is not isolated to BDSM but all of humanity.  Hence, it is best for dominants to follow the same course of action.  If one is so hopeless without another, what kind of leader will he be?  This is the major question.  How can one possible expect his slave to follow when he, himself, is woefully inept in a particular area?  For example, I see so many who want to control all aspects of a slave's life, including the finances, yet are completely broke themselves.  Now, what do you think will happen in this situation?  Odds are he is going to blow through her money also just like he did his.

At the same time, there are many who seem lost without another.  Those who lack the ability to be on their own will develop dependency issues.  This is where someone will behave in unhealthy ways simply because the fear of being alone is too great.  Sure it is nice to have someone wash and iron your clothes.  However, this is a terrible reason to get in a BDSM relationship.  If you are incapable of handling these tasks yourself, then you might want to re-evaluate why you want someone in your life.  In other words, if one cannot prevail on his own, the odds of enjoying BDSM success are seriously diminished.  Remember, before one can control another, he must first control himself.

So look at yourself and evaluate where you are.  What are you offering someone else?  If we use a car as an analogy, are you a nicely polished, slick model or a broken down old jalopy?  Do you have rust holes from lack of nurturing?  Is the engine basically shot since no maintenance was done and the cheapest gasoline was used?  Was the car housed in a garage and protected from the elements or left exposed to them?  Perhaps it is time to turn yourself into a top-notch, reconditioned model, both inside and out.  Spend the time taking care of and making yourself more valuable.  In all relationships, we need something that we are bringing to the table. 


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December 21, 2013

No Matter What

The last couple of posts dealt with commitment and being fully committed to the lifestyle (they can be found here and here).  Basically, I discussed the difference between someone who is approaching the lifestyle like one would buying a car versus the person who is truly committed to living a BDSM life.  Without going into all the details, the overall premise is that one will only be able to experience success in this lifestyle when one fully commits to it.  This is a fact throughout all of life and BDSM is no different.

Starts With Making A Decision

Everything in life starts by making a decision.  This is a fundamental fact that many miss.  It is one of the reasons why most of society is chasing their tail when it comes to personal progress.  We notice this in analyzing the traditional model which was handed down via the overriding dogma.  Few take the time to consider the merits or drawbacks.  Instead, they blindly obey for fear of being an outcast.  In the Western cultures, we see a heterosexual monogamous ideal is the model portrayed.  If one only follows this course, then true happiness is derived.  Naturally, with the divorce rate in the U.S. approaching 60% by some estimates, one is led to question the validity of this concept.

The problem, as I see it, is that most people do not actively or conscious choose what they believe.  As mentioned, they blindly obey trusting that it will result in the desired outcome.  Unfortunately, this often is not the case.  In fact, almost all of us in BDSM found ourselves at this point of questioning.  Since we followed their dogma yet were woefully unfulfilled, we sought out a different course of action.  The benefit to this approach is that we consciously chose to pursue this alternative lifestyle.

It is not common for one to find BDSM "on accident".  At the same time, few are raised with this way of life (although that might be changing).  Instead, we travel the path of "normalcy" before arriving at the point of disgust and heartbreak before seeking out other options.  BDSM is natural choice for us.  And this is where all opportunities are sprung.  Hence, my suggestion is to make a decision to embrace BDSM as the way of life for you.  I understand that you might not know exactly where you fit in.  That is quite alright.  The BDSM world is wide and varied.  The central tenet is that if you found yourself drawn to it and like what you see, there is something within you that is suited for this lifestyle.  It is up to you to determine what that is.

No Matter What

This brings me to the next point that I want to make.  Many make the decision to enter into this lifestyle, to embrace it, only to reverse that decision when things get difficult.  For me to tell you that there will not be pitfalls on your journey would be misleading.  BDSM is not the pollyanna ideal that many online make it.  Sure, it makes for great romance novels but does not mirror reality whatsoever.  We, in the BDSM world, have the same issues that the rest of the world does.  At the center of our lifestyle is the BDSM relationship which, by its definition, means involving another person.  When this occurs, problems arise.  It is that simple.

At the same time, we all know the struggles one goes through in the search for the right person.  The online realm is a wonderful medium to gain exposure to people from all over the world.  Consider the fact that 20 years ago people were obligated only to interact with those in his or her local area.  Munches were about the only way to meet people.  The idea of encountering a sub or slave from a distant state or country was impossible.  However, this led to the create of the online games that many of the pretenders play.  These days, it is impossible to "screen" someone to know they are valid.  In years past, one needed to be recommended before going to a munch.   One was safe in the knowledge that all people were what they proclaimed to be.  Masters and slaves alike were what they proclaimed.  Online, today, that is not the case.  One simply reads a few blogs, some BDSM romance novel, and, presto, instant BDSM expert.  We see this all the time.  It makes the search proportionately more difficult.

So what does one do?  Ultimately there are only two choices.  One can throw in the proverbial towel or persist in the endeavor.  Which direction to take is obviously up to the individual.  However, I can assure you that no BDSM success is found in quitting.  In fact, in life, success is often found after some perceived point of failure was reached.  Certainly for many, the choice to pursue a different course of action is merited in many instances.  Nevertheless, to give up because of a few difficulties is senseless.  Remember, we all encounter the same challenges, especially online.

I found the only solution is to make a true decision to achieve success in BDSM.  What this means is the one commits to cutting off any other possibility other than success in his or her mind.  In other words, you tell yourself that you are going to enjoy what you want in this lifestyle NO MATTER WHAT.  Please reread that last sentence again.  Notice the power behind the words.  The believe that you are going to succeed NO MATTER WHAT is a formula for true success.  It is the key to persistence meaning that you are not going to turn back regardless of the obstacles you encounter.  With this outlook, you resolve will increase the more the pretenders throw in your way.  It is a mindset of 1000% commitment to attaining the ideal you desire.  Nothing is going to stand in your way.  It is the source of true power.

Now, please compare this mindset with that of the tire kicker and determine which is most helpful in your approach to BDSM.  I believe you will see a world of difference between the two.


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December 15, 2013

Lifestyle Commitment

In my last post, I covered the idea about commitment.  When this term is used, most typically associate it with the idea of being faithful to another person.  For example, partners in a marriage are committed to each other in every way including sexually.  While this is an applicable use for the term, I find that this mindset cuts short the power of it.  As was commitment is the basis for all success.  Without it, one is destined to fail.

Commitment To The Lifestyle

I often write how this is the starting point for all success in BDSM.  Throughout the years I noticed that people tend to sabotage their chance of success within this lifestyle simply because they fail to take this one act.  It is truly amazing how this error causes so much destruction.  However, what does it mean to "commit to the lifestyle"?

BDSM is considered an "alternative lifestyle".  What this means is that it is not considered mainstream.  Naturally, we could engage in tremendous debate as to what exactly is mainstream or "normal".  Nevertheless, we will leave that subject to the philosophers of our time.  For our purposes, it is sufficient to understand that our way of life is not part of the common dogma espoused by society.  Therefore, it requires a conscious decision to enter it.  Those of us who live with this as the core foundation of our lives made the choice at one time to follow this path.  It most likely was not something that was instantly thrust upon us.  Instead, after a great deal of searching, we determined that we were better suited for this journey as opposed to the "normal".

The idea of committing to the lifestyle is independent of the people in it.  This is a crucial point to remember.  I encounter so many, usually reading their profiles, who are disgusted with the people (usually online) they encounter.  The basic truth is that it is not easy to sift through all the garbage that is out there.  At the same time, contrary to what many believe, BDSM relationships require a great deal of work.  Just because a submissive and dominant join together, that is not a guarantee for success.  Fundamental interpersonal skills are still required.  After a series of failures, the individual either begins to question whether BDSM is for him/her or allows the frustration to take over and consider the idea of returning to the vanilla world.

What I see happening in instances like this is the individual is wavering in the commitment made to the lifestyle.  The analogy I like to use is regarding sexuality.  Does one question whether he is heterosexual simply because a relationships, or a series of relationships, went bad?  In a few instances, the answer is yes.  Yet this is not the majority.  Most understand that the choice in sexuality was not the cause for the failures although they might not truly comprehend what created it.  Nevertheless, their commitment to their chosen sexual ideal is not open to debate.

We do not see the same thing in BDSM.  Upon encountering resistance because of all the pretenders out there, our BDSM aficionado starts to turn away from the lifestyle.  The foundation is starting to crack since the commitment level is declining.  Again, the dependence upon others is the condition for the commitment.  Sadly, this might be part of the reason why the BDSM interactions failed.  In my last post, I wrote about the tire kickers and how they feel BDSM is like a new car; something you test drive.  Of course, if you are the person on the other side of that, the one who is committed to BDSM, encountering these types too often is extremely frustrating.  It is understandable how the irritation grows when continually experiencing this.  However, like one does not begin to question his sexuality, it is best to follow the same course with BDSM.

What Brought You To BDSM?

Perhaps it is best to take a step back.  You might want to ask yourself "what brought you to BDSM?".  In other words, why are you here?  Since this is an alternative lifestyle, the odds are great that you were not raised in this atmosphere.  People typically raise their children with the cultural norms they believe in which is most often "normalcy".  Hence we see vanilla, equal parity, heterosexual relationships considered to be normal.  Everything else outside of that is termed "alternative".  Ergo, something brought you here; what was it?

The answer to this question is usually dissatisfaction.  Society, in its' promotion of dogma, sells us on a lot of outcomes.  One of the basic tenets is that by following the path laid out, one will achieve happiness and fulfillment.  However, if that outcome was attained by us, then none of us would be in BDSM.  The search we undertook came as a result of dissatisfaction with our present circumstances.  Perhaps you are one who went through a couple of divorces.  Or worse, maybe you found yourself in a "dead" marriage that was going nowhere.  Many of us were alone having seen every intimate relationship we had blown up for one reason or another.  Whatever the specifics, the bottom line is that we were not fulfilled adhering to society's plan.

Hence we undertook our journey.  While the course of action many take is varied, at some point some research was engaged upon.  In this era, with the Internet making information readily available, most of us began reading websites/blogs about the subject.  Over time, through the increase in knowledge coupled with our own internal search, we realized that BDSM offered us something the traditional was lacking.  The idea of being involved in power exchange relationships sat well with us.  This started us on our journey towards lifetime fulfillment.

My point with all of this is we often lose sight of the basis which created our decision in the first place.  People are afflicted with the idea that the "grass is always greener" elsewhere.  Many of us find ourselves uninvolved in BDSM relationships only to have our faces rubbed in it when we see our friends and family happily getting involved in vanilla success.  Thus, our minds start to question whether or not we would be better off returning to that path.  At this point I will tell you that this line of thinking is a mistake.  I personally pulled this trick only to conclude I was no more suited for vanilla than previously.  The relationship structure was no more suited to me than before.  I think most find this out if they are honest with themselves.

Nevertheless, we see how easy it is for someone to forget the more distant experiences while only remembering the most recent pain.  Yes, it is painful to experience the pitfalls dealing with all the pretenders online.  However, do not think for a moment that the vanilla dating sites are free from the infestation of cons and liars either.  They are not.  At the same time, this course is not about the other people.  While this seems counter intuitive especially when one is alone, the thing to remember is this journey is about oneself.  It is the examining of what is at one's core which leads to the decisions we make.  BDSM is a natural choice for those who are in touch with their domination and submission cores.

Shakespeare wrote "to thy own self be true".  Notice he did not put "contingent upon other people".  We all have to decide what we want in life.  This is a decision that is ultimately up to us.  Some might find this hard to believe but we are responsible for our own happiness.  The choices you make will lead to that.  Taking responsibility for this is what allows us to enjoy freedom.  It is when we pass this off to others that we encounter emotional bondage (and not the good kind either).  Making a conscious choice to pursue BDSM based upon the observations and insights into the events of our lives is a step to freedom.  Many take it.  However, a fair portion of these people go right out the same door when they encounter some difficulty.  Of course, this is not to say that BDSM is for everyone who encounters it.  There are plenty who have no interest in our way of life.  Yet for those select few who know what their core is, there really is no other choice but to abide by your original decision.  The vanilla world either is or it is not for you.  If it was not at one time, why do you think it will be now?  Persistence is a trait that emerges when one is fully committed.  If you have a commitment to the BDSM lifestyle and stick with it, you will find what you need.  Do not treat BDSM like you would an outfit meaning you toss it aside when it does not feel like it fits properly.  Running is never an option.

Remember, it is always helpful to remind yourself what brought you to this way of life in the first place.  There is great power in remembering the pitfalls and emotional pain of the past.  This might offer the stimulation to stick with it.  Contrary to popular belief, the grass is not always greener on the other side.


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December 12, 2013

Fully Committed

There is little that is more frustrating to those in search of a potential partner within the BDSM community, especially online, than dealing with the "game players".  These people tend to take on different names depending upon who you speak to.  Personally, I prefer to use the term "pretender".  I find this fitting since these are those who approach BDSM in terms of play.  They are not serious about it.  To them, it is just a game like children play when they pretend to be "cops and robbers" or "the princess in the castle".  It is not reality so much as a childhood fantasy.  What is sad is this mindset is similar in those who want to "pretend" at BDSM.

Basis For Success

Obviously the pretenders are not the main core of the BDSM world.  While they might seem great in number, and perhaps online they are, they do not make up the fundamental core of what BDSM is.  If you search, there is a huge community of people who are serious about this lifestyle.  At the same time, these people make it a central part of their life.  The are not pretending at anything while investing the time to learn what it takes to succeed.

Before going any further, I want to relate a story to you that I read many years ago.  Most all of you are familiar with the name Henry Ford.  He was the founder of the Ford Motor Company and inventor of the Model T.  He was also the originator of the assembly line which became the basis of the manufacturing world. 

Henry Ford decided one day that he wanted to have an 8 cylinder engine.  He called together his engineers and told them he wanted to create this.  Their response was that "it is impossible".  Ford would hear none of it.  He sent his engineers away with the task of developing this.  After 6 months, as the story goes, Ford checks in with them only to learn that they had nothing.  Again, he was told "it is impossible".  At this point, Ford told them that "he will have it" so to figure it out.  Another 6 months go by with the same result.  Now, since I am trying to recall the story from memory, I am not exactly sure how much time passed but since we know that plenty of cars have a V-8 engine in them, Ford did get what he wanted.

 So what was the basis for his success?  The same foundation that is necessary for success in any endeavor in life: commitment.

What separated Ford from many others was his ability to fully commit himself to his ideas.  As you can see in the aforementioned story, he was totally committed to having this technology.  Nothing was going to stand in the way of it.  Never did he waffle in his resolve for success.  He had it in his mind that it would be his.  Now, I ask you, if you approached BDSM with this same resolve, what would your chances of success be?

Tire Kickers

It is amazing to witness what way people approach this lifestyle.  There are so many profiles I come across when scouring the net which have things 100% backwards.  Usually people who are new will mention something about that before following it up with stating "I want to get involved with someone to see if this is for me".  A statement such as this completely blows my mind.  Why would anyone take such an approach?

My long time readers know I like to make points by taking things to the absurd.  Well, in this instance, I ask all my heterosexual readers, how many of you are willing to get into a gay relationship just to "test things out"?  I am going to guess very few of you.  The reason you are unwilling is because you are fully committed to be heterosexual.

Now let us compare the person who is questioning his/her sexuality.  Does a person instantly get into a homosexual relationship to determine if it is for him/her?  Not usually.  This person will often do some research first.  Of course, this might entail reading stuff online about the homosexual lifestyle.  It could also include talking to gay friends or relatives about it.  Professional counseling from people skilled in that area also might be a course to follow.  Perhaps one begins to frequent gay establishments/clubs to interact more with gay people.  Finally, an internal search takes place to determine whether the person is gay or not.

Sadly, this is not what we witness what happens in the BDSM world.  Instead, we see the exact opposite.  An individual will often want to get into a relationship before he or she decides whether this if what is wanted.  I call these people "tire kickers" because they are approach the BDSM lifestyle like they do when entering a showroom looking at a new car.  They will kick the tires to see if it is for them.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered this exact topic.  In what I phrased the "Submission Process", I detailed how one needed to "submit" to the lifestyle first.  What I mean by this is that one needs to commit to the BDSM lifestyle before he or she can seriously make a commitment to another.  To do so in any other order is putting the proverbial cart before the horse.  As I alluded to earlier, the only way one can enjoy success in the BDSM world is to be committed to it.  If one can adopt the mindset of Henry Ford, one is sure to put forth the necessary effort needed to garner whatever is available within this lifestyle.  In fact, if you are to do that, full commitment is necessary.  Anything less will leave the door open for an alternative outcome.

It All Starts From Within

Over the years I wrote extensively how the BDSM journey is one with.  So many look at the way the lifestyle is promoted online only to arrive at a misunderstanding.  BDSM is not about whips and chains although that is a part of it.  The imagery put out by the porn industry is meant to sell their videos not properly represent how we live.  At the same time, the BDSM "romance" novels glorify, especially M/s, in ways that are totally unrealistic.  Everyone needs to accept the fact that we live in the real world.  To try and disassociate ourselves from it is not healthy nor practical.

The starting point for any individual is to be firmly committed to this way of life.  If you are a person who is certain this is for you, then it is an easy decision.  However, if you are just starting to explore what is offered, commit to putting for the time and effort to learn what is going on.  Make this a study while looking within yourself to conclude whether this is for you or not.  Do not rush ahead to involve another before you have that clarity. Sure, there are many instances where that approached work but I will divulge that the odds are against it.  Knowing thyself is of the utmost importance.  This will only assist you when you do begin the process of seeking another.

Our level of commitment is tied directly to the level of success we enjoy.  People who give feeble attempts at things are never committed.  Hence, they attain feeble results.  I suggest you elevate your pursuit of this lifestyle by committing whole-heartedly to it.  You will find that your actions differ when you do that.


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December 8, 2013

The World Is Crazy

What is normal?  Have you ever sat down and really thought about it?

Society is known to indoctrinate us into a particular belief system.  Every culture does this.  Of course, depending upon which side of the fence you are on, we are right and they are wrong.  We saw this throughout the ages with the religious wars.  When you think about it, weren't these nothing more than a conflict in dogma.  The idea that "my God is right and yours is wrong" is code for "my indoctrination is correct and yours wrong".  Ultimately, how many of these people actually thought about what they believe?  If society is any indication, the answer is very few.

BDSM: A Stray From The Norm

Over the years, I am fortunate to witness the mental break that is required to fully embrace the BDSM world.  This process started with myself and expanded to the witnessing of others as they shed the chains of "normalcy thinking".  In fact, I am firmly convinced that nobody is able to fully reach his/her potential within this lifestyle unless her or she fully questions the belief system that was implemented.

Society tells us what path to follow.  While it does not explicitly come out and say it, we are told how to behave.  We "sense" what is normal.  Consider the mantras you heard over the years.  Marriage is between a man and a woman.  Go to school, get good grades, find a job, get married, live happily ever after.  Get your head out of the clouds and plant your feet firmly on the ground.  Messages like these have an impact upon what we believe.

At the same time, we are well aware that our sexual interests are also shaped outside of ourselves.  Madison Avenue is notorious for telling us what is sexy and who we should be attracted to.  Of course, the message is that anyone outside of this is unattractive.  Religious institutions also are prolific for taking over our sex lives.  Anal sex is a sin.  So is sex outside the bonds of marriage.  Sex only for procreation.  The list goes on.  My point is we also see that our beliefs in this area are shaped by these outside influences.

The fortunate thing is that BDSM strays from this common thinking.  People question what they believe.  Certainly, the fact that we do this makes us stand apart from those we know.  This is why it is cautioned about telling others of your decisions.  Few will understand.  The basic truth is that few of them ever took the time to look at what they believed.  An "alternative" lifestyle requires, by its very definition, the need to alter one's mindset.

Way Too Serious

My observation is that the world, and those in it, are way too serious.  I say this not in jest but as a statement of observation.  People believe their own thinking.  To me, this is insanity i.e. crazy.  How can someone defend their beliefs when they were not consciously chosen?  At the same time, why would anyone ever put themselves into a situation where their thoughts created such misery?  Sadly, I cannot answer these questions but understand that it takes place everyday all over the world.

Most people are miserable.  They lead lives which are uninspired.  Many of us in BDSM realize this since we were in the same mindset at one point in our lives.  There are a large number of us who followed the "normal" path to happiness only to find it lacking.  We were married a time or two (or three or four) only to end up completely miserable.  Over time, we realized what was promised to us by society if we did the "obedient" thing was a lie.  It simply did not exist.  Yet most of society still operates under this exact premise. 

BDSM is an exercise in exploration.  One cannot undertake this way of life without investigating all the wonders and pitfalls that it offers.  It is a journey of growth.  As I often point out, this is about a lot more than whips and chains.  Those who are serious about this way of life while making it a core part of it, understand the effort required to find "one's place".  There are so many different ways one can go that the possibilities are almost endless.  This is a far cry from the average person out there who simply (and blindly) follows the ideas presented by the majority.

I feel that BDSM is about growth.  While this is a serious matter, it is also something that we need not take so seriously.  Life is suppose to be fun.  BDSM offers us a means to express ourselves how we see fit (as compared to how others want us to be).  Society will look down upon us for acting upon our individual desires while shunning its dogma.  However, when you seriously look around society and the people who make it up, is there a reason to follow them?  They wear their unhappiness on their faces throughout the day.  You do not even need to speak to them to realize how miserable they are.  We see this point evidenced by the increase in drugs prescribed for depression and alcoholism/drug abuse.  Basically, they are the walking dead.

Remember these ideas the next time someone questions you or the decisions you make regarding this lifestyle.  It is best to step back and bear in mind that you are not the crazy one.  The world itself is crazy and those who are "normal" are most often the nuttiest of all. 


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December 3, 2013

24/7 M/s In This Era

Things changed over the years.

This is a statement that all of us heard repeatedly.  Sadly, it was usually from an elderly relative like a grandparent yearning for days of yore.  Every generation encounters this as the fabric of society seemingly tears apart before our eyes.   This is true when people mix in their own moral interpretation of how things should be.  I recall reading a story about how Sinatra was once looked upon as the one who was going to bring down society.  Then, a couple decades later, Elvis and his swinging hips was the cause.  Of course, how could orgies not break out across the land with an entertainer swinging his hips like that.  Then we got the Beatles/Rolling Stones who sang that "Rock n Roll".  And so on down the line.  What is amazing is society is still here albeit on life support.

BDSM also witnessed a change throughout the years.  Over time, the meaning of what certain things meant were altered to fit the times.  I will say that this is not a post proclaiming the desire for the "good ole days".  Instead, I want to point out how some things changed especially how it pertains to the M/s relationship.

Outside Realities

One thing many people seem to overlook is the fact that they live in the real world.  No matter how much we want to deny that this is the case, our choice of lifestyle is a personal one.  Nevertheless, we are still mandated to live within the confines of society.  Those who stray too far from this quickly realize that society has mechanisms in place to deal with people who overtly behave in contradictory ways.  Usually this involves a set of handcuffs and a cage but not in the way us kinksters like.

At the same time, we operate under the same conditions as everyone else.  Nothing frustrates me more than to see new people enter this lifestyle and watch them act as if they are exempt from the realities I am discussing.  They get upset when they have to deal with financial, health, and family issues.  For some reason, they believe that simply because they chose an alternative path, they should forgo all the realities of life that everyone else has.  Sadly, this is not the case.  The truth is we all have rent or a mortgage payment to make.  Each of us has people to answer to at work.  The problem with families is we do not get to choose them hence have to deal with what we have.  Get over it.  Welcome to the real world.

It is the outside realities, or more specifically the change in them, that has affected the Master/slave realm.


The ultimate (in terms of extremeness) of the dominant/submissive relationship is M/s.  Actually, more specifically, it is 24/7 M/s.  Under this structure, a person is owned completely by the Master.  All decisions are made by the dominant with the submissive dutifully obeying.  Of course, with power comes great responsibly.  Thus the Master is obliged to act in the best interest of the slave by maintaining safety, discipline, and sound decision making.  It is a consensual relationship whereby all power is given over to the dominant party.

Like everything else in the world, this too noticed a change over the years.  Before going into what happened, I would like to delve into what was commonly witnessed years ago.  There is a segment of the BDSM lifestyle which is called "1950s Household".  Under this scenario, a couple will structure their relationship to mimic what life was like in the 1950s.  More to the point, people emulate the power structure of that time when the male had the power while the woman was demur and obedient.  At the same time, he was the provider while she took care of the household and kids.  Outside work was not part of her obligation hence putting at mercy of her husband financially.  In essence, all control was with him.

This is where the outside changes affect the BDSM world.  The main problem with the 1950s Household is that it is nor feasible in most instances.  Our economic world changed to the point where most people need both incomes to make ends meet.  It is only a small percentage who are able to establish the structure I just mentioned.  For this reason, both parties tend to work meaning they have someone else to answer to.  Of course, this creates a bit of a dilemma for a slave since she is, by definition, property and answers to her Master.

So how do we deal with this situation?  As you can see, full-time 24/7 service is not possible.  If one has to work outside the house, she is not available to serve her Master.  A portion of her day is tending to the obligations of another entity other than him.  In return, one receives a paycheck which, in true M/s, is turned over to the Master.  Because of this he does benefit from her service to him which is the core essence of a M/s relationship.  However, she is not available to him 24/7 since her working hours are dictated by someone outside the home.

Does this mean that M/s is diluted?  Not at all.  It is just one of the many realities that we deal with in life.  As things change, we adapt.  M/s is still based upon the foundation of total power exchange.  A slave exists solely for the benefit and pleasure of her Master.  Everything she does is in fulfillment of this overriding responsibility.  The essence of a slave did not change, just the circumstances we live in.

Keep in mind, that it is the Master's "choice" whether she works or not.  I put the word choice in quotes because, realistically, there usually is not a choice since financial conditions dictate this course of action.  Nevertheless, a slave can take solace knowing that she is working for his benefit and a Master can enjoy the fact that she is out there for him.  While we see restrictions upon what used to be, it does not mean that we are not forging ahead in a manner which meets our requirements.  M/s is still alive even if, in most instances, full time service is not available.

Remember, as the world changes, we adapt to be able to exist within it.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice that is not going anywhere.


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November 30, 2013

Focus On Your Talents

In my last post, I wrote about the need for one to continue his or her education in BDSM.  On second thought, this is not only a necessity in BDSM but life in general.  Nevertheless, BDSM is an lifestyle with many different nooks.  Quite simply, there are many directions a person can choose to go in.  Thus, continually exploring the different aspects of this way of life will offer tremendous results.

What Do You Like?

I see so many enter the lifestyle with a preconceived notion of what it is all about.  While I presume this is a natural state for most, I feel it is a mistake in that it limits what people will ultimately experience.  It is rather ironic to see someone embrace something they one shied away from simply because they pre-determined that they "didn't like that".  As the old saying goes, do not knock it until you try it.

Closed-mindedness is something that is contradictory to BDSM.  Think about it for a second.  When one enters the BDSM world, he or she is embarking upon something that is considered to be "an alternative lifestyle".  This is not mainstream, at least not openly mainstream.  The simple act of entering this in any form requires one to cast aside part of the belief system that most of us were raised with.  Since society does not actively promote BDSM as a way of life, those who are attracted to it have a certain degree of open-mindedness.

What I find interesting is how this open-mindedness exits once someone settles into a particular aspect they find appealing.  Suddenly, this is the "right" way while another approach is the "wrong way".  I see so much intolerance for the likes of others simply because it is not to someone's liking.  Naturally I feel these people should just be ignored because there is no sense in listening to them.  Quite often, they end up being worse than the intolerance we face in the vanilla world.

So, your journey starts (and continues) with asking yourself "what do I like?".  This is a question that continues to yield results as we travel down the BDSM path.  Over time, I found that many of the things that did not interest me 10 years ago suddenly are intriguing.  Also, as I learn more and expand my skills, more options are available to me.  These two things combined alerted me to the fact that I should not close my mind to any aspect of the lifestyle.   I simply do not know what the future holds.


The easiest way to gain knowledge is by reading.  Now, I must mention a concept that I repeated on here for years.  There is a lot of misinformation out there about this way of life.  People often have an agenda which differs greatly from the average BDSM explorer.  The porn industry, as an example, has the agenda to make money hence puts forth an idea that will help excite people sexually.  At the same time, many of the "BDSM romance" writers glamorized and romanticize the life of a slave which seriously alters the reality of that part of the lifestyle.  50 Shades is a prime example.

Nevertheless, in spite of this fact, reading is still one of the fastest ways to expand your knowledge base.  Once again, this is not only relegated to BDSM but life overall.  There are hundreds of different sites which offer tremendous information about different aspects of this life.  Try to focus upon those where a person talks about his or her experiences.  For example, many slaves have taken to "journaling" their experiences online.  For anyone interested in this path, a site such as that will offer a great deal of first-hand knowledge and tips.  So I feel spending time reading about the lifestyle is crucial.

Application of Knowledge Leads To Talents

It is said that knowledge is not power, only potential power.  Unless one takes the knowledge and applies it to life, little is gained from that knowledge.  In other words, it is basically wasted.  For that reason, it is vital that one take the knowledge garnered from reading and put it into application.

Focusing upon one talent's is where one is able to expand his or her abilities.  If one wants to be a better Master, as an example, it is best if he focus upon what he is able to do in the area of control, financial expertise, certain play areas, and psychology.  All of these areas enter into the owning of another.  At the same time, depending upon the experience of this individual, there will be areas where he falls short.  Improving this while expanding his talents in these areas will make his domination improved.  The same is true for a slave.  She will have things that she excels at while being a bit poor in other areas.  Continually looking at oneself, especially after gaining some mental insight, while seeking to improve is the name of the game.  This is something that applies equally to both dominant and submissive.

A terrific exercise for everyone to engage upon is an inventory process.  Take an honest look at yourself and inventory your BDSM lifestyle.  Look at your talents to appreciate where you excel while alerting yourself to your shortcomings.  It is impossible to rectify something that we are not aware of.  So inventorying where we presently are is a starting point.  As we get closer to the new year, we are going to hear a lot about goals for 2014.  Perhaps, it best if you incorporate some benchmarks that you want to reach within your own BDSM abilities.  For example, do you want to learn about and experience electrical play?  Are you a bad manager of money?  If so, perhaps studying the basics of money management is helpful (vital if you want to own someone in my opinion).  Whatever you uncover when inventorying your skills, make it a goal to do something about it.  Again, focus on those areas which would be defined as talents.  Ultimately, when you are in a BDSM relationship, the "talents" are what you bring to the table.  If you are limited in what you can do, your offering will be equally as limiited.

Most of you know I feel BDSM is about growth.  Success in this world requires one to continually look within.  What are you doing today to expand your abilities?  This is something we all should ask ourselves on a daily basis.  Focusing upon your talents enables you to experience more that the BDSM world has to offer.  At the same time, it will increase your attractiveness to another since you are able to offer more to that person.  Keep this in mind as you are struggling through the inventory process.  There is a payoff at the end.


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November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving

I wish everyone a Happy and safe Thanksgiving.  May your day be filled with blessing and joy.

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November 27, 2013

Continual Education

Many believe that education ceases when one leaves school.  Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.  I am amazed at the number of people who do not pick up and read even a single book throughout the year.  Fortunately, this generalization does not apply to the average person who is involved with BDSM.  My take is that people who enter into this lifestyle are lifelong learners.  They seek more than what is commonly promoted.  Their ability to be open-minded about things make for a further reaching experience.  Closed-mindedness has a way of limiting one.  BDSM certainly removes certain societal limits.

Being The Best

Those who are the most success strive to attain a high level.  In other words, they want to be the best.  Take a professional athlete as an example.  Someone like Tiger Woods does not aim for 2nd place.  He wants to be the best in the world.  Obviously, he has tremendous talent and a huge start on someone just taking up the game of golf.  However, each week he competes against the very best players in the world for that sport.  Only the best will repeatedly come out on top.  You find this in all professional sports.

The same holds true for all endeavors in life.  No attorney goes into a courtroom looking to lose a case.  He or she is intent on proving the case to win the trial.  Accountants, salespeople, and engineers all have the same mindset.

So how does this pertain to BDSM?  BDSM, like any field is a study.  It is something that does not come naturally (yes submission and domination are natural).  The techniques and methods applied by those within the lifestyle are learned.  It takes practice, many times years for someone to become skilled in a certain area.  At the same time, there is an separate language used with acronyms different from other areas of life.  Even the term "BDSM" requires an understanding of each component.  Therefore, the novice to the lifestyle enters a great learning curve.

Which brings me up to those who are around the lifestyle a while.  BDSM is no different than life.  It is a continual learning process.  Nobody has all the answers.  There is never a stage reached where one can proclaim "I know all there is".  If you do encounter such a person, I would venture to say he or she is a bit full of it.  I know people in this lifestyle 40+ years who are still learning.  One thing about BDSM, just when you think you saw it all, something new crops up.

Each of us should strive to be the very best we can be.  For those who are into owning another (others), your challenge is to become the very best Master you can be.  On the flip side, the slave(s) need to concentrate on doing their very best.  Whatever area of focus and structure on takes with the relationship, continually striving to be more is paramount.

Basic Areas

There are a number of areas we can focus out attention upon.  I will touch upon a few.


This is the first thing we notice about a person and judging by what I come across, an overlooked area within the lifestyle.  It is no secret that the Western Cultures have an obesity problem.  This problem is carried over into the BDSM world which, in my opinion, is sad because we ought to hold ourselves (and each other) to a higher standard.  We broke free of the societal dogma yet so many fall prey in this area.

The simple truth is not everyone needs a supermodel body.  However, maintaining health and fitness is extremely important.  One can find a wealth of knowledge online with just a bit of research.  Believe me when I tell you losing weight is not complicated.  I will grant it is not easy but one can succeed if driven.  This past summer I lost 15 pounds in 12 days by going on a juice fast and have not put the weight back on.  Now this approach is not for everyone yet there are hundreds of other ways to go.  One central caveat I will tell you is that your weight is 90% determined by what you put in your mouth.

Why do I harp on this point?  To start it is a matter of attractiveness.  Yes I know people are much more than skin deep but let's be honest, we find people who are fit more attractive.  Also, there is the question of health.  It is well known that excessive weight causes many health issues such as diabetes, heart problems, and certain cancers.  Finally, we live in a lifestyle where certain activities (play) is physically demanding.  Do you want to be with a Master who is out of breath and tired 10 minutes into a scene?  I highly doubt it.


Covering this topic would require an entire book so I will keep it brief.  Whatever aspect of the lifestyle one chooses, there are certain techniques which are applicable.  "Learning your craft" is vitally important.  This is true whether you are into Gorean, watersports, electrical play, or fire play.  Even the structure such as M/s has a lot of different things to understand and comprehend.  Again, this endeavor will take you decades since there are more nuances than you initially think.  However, this is one of the wonderful aspects of BDSM....there is always something else around the corner.


I probably should have listed this first since this is the most important area.  This is an endeavor that should take place long before one enters BDSM.  In fact, I guess if you are here, this process already started.  Everything we deal with in the lifestyle starts with ourselves.  Anyone who is advanced understands this idea.  The emotionally and intellectually immature find this concept tough to grasp, instead adopting a victim mentality.  While there are times we are victimized, it is crucial to understand that how we process what occurred and move forward after the event is what separates the mature from the immature.

Also, when dealing with another, we are responsible for 50% of the interaction.  Even in a TPE situation, each person has 50% totality even though the power structure is not split.  He commands, she obeys.  It takes both sides to make the coin.  Ergo, it is crucial that each person delve within to understand him and herself.  I find that dominants are less likely to do this because they believe that they control another.  I am here to tell you that before one can dominate another, he must first dominate oneself.  To many overlook this simple point.

Seeking knowledge from within is an enlightening process.  Few pay attention to what makes them tick.  At all times, our psychological makeup is operating.  Whenever we encounter a situation, we have signals that are triggered within us.  This is something that most of us are completely unaware exist.  This is one of the reason why we keep repeating the same behavior even though the results were not less than desirable before.  Contained herein is also our likes and dislikes.  Uncovering what is operating at times is extremely helpful in our path towards growth.  This is something that is only discovered by going within.

I could go on with this list but this is enough to get you started.  Understand that by entering into BDSM you are embarking upon a lifelong journey.  Fortunately, with the Internet, there is a wealth of information available to you.  Be judicious in which sites you put a lot of stock in since much of what is out there is pure garbage.  However, it is worthwhile to sift through the misinformation to find the basis of our way of life.  In addition to blogs you will also find workshops, forums, and other training/educational venues which people in the lifestyle put on.  All this will help you become the best that you can be.


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September 7, 2013

BDSM: In Agreement With Nature

As I continue along my journey through life with BDSM as the foundation upon which all is built, I am coming to understand more and more that it is the only life structure that is in complete agreement with nature.  Some will find this statement ironic considering the fact that the traditional model is so popular.  However, when one really takes a look throughout history, he or she quickly realizes the validity of my belief.


We live in an era where equality is something that is promoted as the ideal.  Everywhere you turn, especially on the mass media, we hear of people promoting this idea.  For example, turn on the television and you hear the President talk about people "paying their fair share".  What the hell does that mean?  In essence, he is saying that some were able to have more, so more should be shared to balance things out.  Those with more ought to have less while those with less ought to have more.

At the same time, we are in now 50 years into the equal rights movements.  "Equal pay for equal work" is the mantra.  Gender differences are overlooked with some feeling equally capable of being able to do the job regardless of physical or mental differences.   Again, we see laws written with the intention of "evening the playing field" in an effort to promote this idea of equality.  Please bear in mind, this is extremely important to the social structure of our cultures.

However, is it effective?  If we research the most equitable idea ever invented in terms of a political/economic system, we need to look no further than communism.  Here was a system that was developed with the sole intention of establishing equality among everyone.  While that sounds grand in theory, how did it work in reality.  Looking at countries that have this system around the world, we see that equality is not achieved.  Instead, we notice that a certain few end up with all the wealth, power, and control while the others are left with little.  Now some might want to dispute this and this is not meant to spur a political debate.  The bottom line is equality across the board is not achieved.

My conclusion is that equality is a myth.


We all live according to the laws of nature.  This is an inescapable truth of our reality.  I could care less what your philosophical or religious beliefs are, whether you call it universe or god, we all know there is something that guides everything that is happening.  The Earth rotates around the sun as it has done for millions (if not billions) of years.  Nothing we do alters that reality.  Seasons come and they go.  Night turns into day and vice versa.  Mankind, for all its intelligence, has nothing to do with this reality.

One of the greatest insights one can achieve is to understand what laws that nature lives by.  Again, whether you come from the perspective of science or religion, it is often mandating the same thing.  That being the case, I understand that the grandest law of nature also provides the largest change in any one individual's life.  And if you can understand this law while applying it in all your do, grow will occur instantly.

The most important thing to know about nature is this:

Nature operates according to survival of the fittest. 

Notice what is written there.  The basic law of life is survival of the fittest.  It is ironic that we do not see equality in that sentence anywhere.  Nature is an unfair environment.  The law of the jungle prevails and it is a mistake to believe that we, as members of the Animal Kingdom, are exempt from this practice.  Yes advanced intelligence and compassion are part of our makeup yet this does not dispel this basic essence of our reality.

Through this understanding, it is easy to see how equality is unnatural.  Nature does not operate on the premise of fairness or equal power.  Is it fair that the lame deer is the one who gets caught and eaten by the predators?  Why is the lion the King of the Jungle?  Simply because on the hierarchy, he is a badass to the nth degree.  Notice how in the wild the best hunters are the ones who eat while those who lag behind starve to death.  The fittest survive while others die.

BDSM Is Natural

How does any of this apply to BDSM?  The idea of structuring one's life based upon power exchange is in keeping with nature.  Those who believe that their is equality in relationships i.e. marriage, are sadly mistaken.  In every relationship, even if it is not consciously designed, there is power exchange.  One person, whether it is through personality, fear, or societal conditioning, will have less while another had more.  Sure this can be a sliding scale with the power moving back and forth.  But over time, you will find that one tends to have the power most of the time.

People who enter the BDSM world do so after uncovering things about themselves.  The basic foundation is the determination that one is either submissive or dominant.  Please take note that the word I used is "uncovering".  This is vastly different than if I said the person "decided".  One does not decide to be dominant or submissive.  Instead, it is something that is resident within oneself, placed there by nature, that one uncovers.  It is from this discovery that one is able to move forward within this way of life.

The fundamental tenet of BDSM is an inequitable distribution of power.  People involved in BDSM relationships consciously decide to structure their lives based upon the natural qualities within each person.  These traits form the basis for a structure where one has total power while the other does not.  The pretense of equality is smashed immediately.  It is not a myth that we choose to engage in.  On the contrary, we are following the law of nature which, at its core, is inequality.

It is for this reason that I feel BDSM is the most natural way to structure one's life.  The tenets we live by are in complete accordance with nature.  We are not following the beliefs that society established which only led to unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment.  Societal norms are discarded knowing the lack the results they promise.  We effortlessly get into the flow of life while embarking upon our roles that are easily established based upon our inherent qualities granted to us by nature.  Confusion is eliminated when one simply looks within.  At times, it is as simple as breathing.  While society changes with each new political theory or economic system, the true essence of mankind (and womankind) does not.  In reality, even though it did not go by this name, BDSM was around since the dawn of man.  The myth of equality is a recent development in man's history.  Survival of the fittest was around since the beginning.

Consider this the next time you find that you feel "different" because of your BDSM desires.


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September 4, 2013

Internal Versus External

 A few weeks back I wrote an article titled "Attracted to Domineering" that was widely received in a few different places.  In it, I discussed the major differences between someone who is dominant versus those who are domineering.  Many submissives find themselves in endless loop cycles of going from one bad relationship to another.  What most do not understand is that they are actually attracted to domineering as opposed to domination.  My experience is that when one deals with someone who engages in domineering behavior, the relationship is jeopardized because fear is the controlling factor.  This is why being able to see the difference is crucial.  BDSM success depends upon the interaction with someone who is dominant.

Alpha Male

This brings us to the subject of the Alpha Male.  Before going any further, I will remind my readers that, as I always do, I am going to discuss this topic from the male dominant/female submissive perspective.  Understand that the opposite is as applicable albeit not as common.  If you find yourself in a different arrangement, simply change the gender roles to fit your situation.

Many look upon the "Alpha Man" as the crux of domination.  Society has a way of placing this person in high regard.  Commercials, movies, and television programs esteem him as the one to be like.  Men want to be him while women want to be with him.  He is the center of attention.  His clothes are perfectly pressed, matching, and totally in fashion.  One a scale of 1-10, he is at worst a 10.

Most of you know the type that I am referring to.  He is a popular individual who has a high powered job.  Envy of others is something that is commonplace within this person's life.  Dating the best women is his modus operandi.  It is not uncommon to see a super model on his arm.  Wealth, power, and prestige are traits that summarize him.  He is in complete control of his life.

With all this evidence, it is safe to conclude that the Alpha Male is the one who is dominant.  He is completely in charge of his environment.  He is the epitome of self confidence.  Fear does not exist in his world.  Whatever feelings arise, he simply ignores them and achieves the task at hand.  Self-doubt rarely exhibits its ugly head.

Not Caring

I am going to discuss a topic that, when fully explained, will clarify this situation even more.  The subject is the idea of simply not caring.  A true dominant does not care.  It is that simple.  If you see someone caring, then you are not dealing with a dominant.

Now that most of you believed I feel off my chair and hit my head, I will explain what I mean.  No, I am not advocating the behavior of the pretenders and online wannabes who care nothing of the individuals they interact with nor the carnage they leave behind.  This behavior is pathetic and should be stopped at every instance.  At the same time, I am not promoting that a dominant should not care about those with who he is involved with.  If a submissive opts to involve herself in a relationship with a dominant, then that should be taken seriously and that person cared for and about as one should when deep feelings are involved.  So what do I mean?

Not caring centers around the mindset of the dominant himself.  It arises from the motivation that comes deep from within.  A true dominant is not dependent upon the views of others.  He concerns himself not with what others think about him.  Instead, his m.o. is to progress going through life doing what he feels best in each situation.  His interactions with the world are always based upon an internal focus.  If others do not like him or what he is doing, so be it.  His self worth is such that the high opinions of others is meaningless.  It is nice to receive, granted, but entirely unnecessary.

Again, I have to stress that this does not mean our dominant acts like a total a**hole.  Common courtesy is often a characteristic of this individual.  The internal self assurance he has means that he lacks the need to put others down.   He is in control and he knows it.  There is no need to make the outside world believe it.  It just is.  Actions speak louder than words.  The opinion of others simply do not enter the mindset when making a decision.  The facts are weighed and the decision made.

Internal Versus External

I hope that you are starting to gain some insight into the difference between internal versus external focus.  As you can guess, this comes into play when discussing the idea of domination.  Obviously, based upon what was presented here, you can conclude that a true dominant is internally focused.  At the same time, the Alpha Male, is externally focused.  One opts for domination while the other engages in domineering.

Why do I write this?  The answer is simple.  Once again, we go back to motives.  As was explained in the last article covering this topic, one who is domineering is driven by fear.  An individual of this nature continually lives under the worry of being "found out".  The "bravado" that he shows is a facade.  It is not true self confidence.  He is continually worried about what the outside world thinks.  Contrast this with the characteristics I listed in the last section about not caring.  An internally focused person simply does not care nor is he driven by the opinion of others.  The externally based person is completely wrapped up in this.

In conclusion, I again must issue the disclaimer so people will not take this information out of context.  I am not advocating acting like a total ass.  Not caring is a subject about where one's focuses his attention when making decisions.  True confidence is something that comes from within.  When it comes from the outside, it is lost when others withhold it.  This is what happens often to the Alpha Males.  As long as the crowds are cheering, everything is great.  However, when the noise dies down and he is left with just his thoughts, the truth comes out.  Be mindful of this when you are interacting with someone who is "dominant".  Ask yourself if this person seems internally focused as opposed to externally.  If it is the later, you might want to think long and hard about what you are getting yourself into.  It could well be a sign of something deeper.


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August 28, 2013

Dabbling In BDSM

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle.  This is evident to most yet few take the time to consider what that means.  Obviously, first and foremost, BDSM is different from the norm or mainstream.  It is not the commonly accept ideal in terms of relationship structure.  Similar to polyamory and homosexuality, the BDSM lifestyle is still somewhat "underground".

The factor that few take into account is that because BDSM is alternative, many are not exposed to it growing up.  Naturally, we are taught what is commonplace within our environment.  Children who grow up in two family households, for example, learn to believe this is the norm while those from single-family homes are equally apt to draw the same conclusion about that family makeup.  Since so few ever encounter BDSM as a lifestyle, there is a lot of questioning when one does eventually begin the journey into this way of life.


For years I wrote about those individuals who enter the BDSM lifestyle and start "kicking tires".  For anyone who is uncertain of this reference, this is an analogy that goes back when buying a car in the old days.  Since little information was really known about the vehicle (this was pre-Internet), one would "kick the tires" to see if the automobile was of good quality before making a decision.  For me, this analogy works well because I see so many do this when entering BDSM, especially within the online community.

As I stated, it is commonplace for one to find the lifestyle without knowing much about it.  Typically, we see someone who uncovered a particular quality within him or herself (dominant or submissive) who ultimately happens upon a BDSM site.  Through the course of their "research", they find the porn sites which express that point of view.  At the same time, they could stumble upon a blog such as this which informs them about the lifestyle at a much deeper level.  And, finally, they find one of the well-known BDSM "dating" sites where this individual can spread his or her wings while getting involved with "real" people.

The problem with this approach is that notice what is missing: any valid experience.  Naturally, I have to admit that all of us were inexperienced before we became experienced.  That is the nature of life.  However, our new BDSM practitioner believe that he or she knows something simply by reading a few blogs or websites.  Ultimately , we know this to be untrue.  I mean, come on.  Would you allow me to perform brain surgery on you simply because I read a book or visited a site that discussed it?  Unless you are totally insane, I hypothesize the answer to be no.

Since we know the lack of knowledge and experience exists, we have to couple this idea with the fact that, in many instances, the person is unsure whether BDSM is applicable in that person's life.  Remember, this is a lifestyle that few have exposure to growing up so the tendency to know instantly that it is "for me" is not practical.  No matter how strong the core quality, whether dominant or submissive, there are going to be some misgivings.  Uncertainty is a partner of the unknown.  The fact that so little is known by the individual upon finding this way of life leads to one being uncertain about one's place and where it fits.  Hence the tirekicking approach.


In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned something I termed the Submission Process which detailed the steps towards commitment that one needs to make when entering into BDSM.  Sadly, this is something that I rarely see followed (I can only presume not enough people are reading my book).  Instead, they botch up the entire process resulting in the proverbial cart being before the horse.

Entering BDSM requires time and exploration.  One needs to be committed to the lifestyle first before getting involved with someone else.  This is true whether one is dominant or submissive.  Far too often I see people who are new, unsure, yet they enter into a BDSM relationship within days or weeks of finding this way of life.  Is it any wonder that the success rate of BDSM relationships is so low?  Here is a person involved with another who has not even decided if this is for him (her) or not.  It is akin to someone getting married (hetero) without being committed to being heterosexual.  When something so foundational is up in the air, it is easy to see how success will be fleeting.

Ultimately, we find many are involved with people who are not committed to the lifestyle.  While I am sure most can understand the process and how it gets to this point, the fact is that on the other side of our new person, there is someone who is looking for something serious.  That person has dreams, emotions, and feelings which are jeopardized by the new person's outlook.  Many of us found ourselves in situations where we dealt with someone who was not completely committed to living the BDSM way of life.  Instead, they were just dabbling in it.

A BDSM relationship, like all, requires effort.  It is not easy to make any relationship, sexual or otherwise, work.  For a relationship of this nature to work, one must find a suitable opposite in terms of power structure who is willing to put forth that time and effort to move the relationship forward.  Also, within the BDSM realm, there are certain roles that each is expected to fulfill whether we are talking M/s or D/s.  Not coincidentally, we find that it takes effort to fulfill each of these roles.

So what happens when one is involved with someone who is just dabbling in BDSM?  I can tell you firsthand that nothing good comes out of it.  This becomes a situation that is wrought with frustration and upset.  The lack of commitment makes it impossible to move the relationship along.  Resentment develops since the roles I just mentioned go unfulfilled.  At the same time, since the other person is not adhering to her role (in my case as a submissive), I am left unfulfilled as a dominant. Obviously, the reverse is also true for those who are submissive yet interacting with a "dominant dabbler".

Based upon my experience, it is best to exit a situation like this.  As mentioned, unless one is committed to the lifestyle, there is little good that can come from interacting with this individual.  Consider the marriage and heterosexuality example and really ponder that idea.  Do you think a marriage would work out if you (or anyone else) was dealing with a person with that uncertainty?  If you conclude no, then why would you believe that a BDSM relationship will succeed if your partner (dominant or submissive) was just dabbling in the lifestyle?  Do you not believe that a higher level of commitment than that is necessary for long term BDSM success?

In conclusion, before getting into a BDSM relationship, make sure the person you are interacting with is committed to this way of life.  This is paramount if he or she is ever going to commit to you.  Without that, failure is the only option.


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