Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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24/7 BDSM

There seems to be a great deal of confusion as to what being 24/7 means. Many seem to think that one is at the Master's beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I guess in the literal sense, being a 24/7 slave does mean this. However, in this day and age, it is good to intertwine practicality amongst the literal. For this reason, being 24/7 carries a different connotation.

Former Life

Let us be honest: very few people were raised to be slaves. This is remarkably different from the historical eras where slavery was commonplace. In Egyptian times, as an example, children that were born to slaves were instantly property of the owner. The same was true in the Southern U.S. in the 1700s and 1800s. People were raised knowing exactly what their plight in life was. There was no decision to be made. A child of a slave grew into a slave. Period.

Now, if we contrast that with the common mindset in society today, we see an entirely different viewpoint. Most people follow the edict established as normal by the culture in the same way that children of slaves progressed. Each follows the dogma except for the rare exception. Today, the prevailing path espoused by society is one of equality within a marriage. The traditional model promotes a man and a woman partnering together for the basis of the family unit. This institution, marriage, is one where there is equality (at least that is the lip service-whether it truly exists is questionable in a still male dominated culture). Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal and, thus, shunned.

What does this mean for the slave who enters into a BDSM relationship. Oftentimes, there are outside responsibilities which arise due to choices we made prior to finding this way of life. It is common to find slaves who also have to take care of children fathered by one other than Master/Mistress. This means that one is obligated to perform tasks that do not pertain to the M/s relationship.

I also find that we live in an age where two incomes are needed for financial survival. I could espouse my beliefs about as to why this happened but it would take away from my message here. The simple truth is both adults usually need to work outside the home. BDSM participants are not excluded from this reality. While there are some who are financially well off, most have to work to provide for their families. Again, this is a responsibility that we do not have immunity from.

A Mindset

Being 24/7 is a mindset. There are times when we all have other 'Masters' we need to serve. There are people such as bosses, colleagues, and others who we have authority over us based upon a position. Many take orders throughout the day from people other than their Masters. Of course, this does not mean that they are 'owned' by all these people.

At present, my slave works outside the house. This is something that is done with my approval. She ran the prospect of work by me before she went to get a job and received authorization from me before accepting the position she did. That being said, throughout the day, she takes orders from someone other than myself. Many will mistakenly believe that she is not 24/7 because of this. However, that is not the case since she knows at all times her owns her and what she is. Her 'slavery' does not end when she leaves the house.

One other aspect pertaining to this; I am the one who benefits from her efforts. Being a slave means that she does not own property. Therefore, her wages are turned over to me since they are mine. Her labor gains are for me. At the same time, I can also tell her to leave that position. However, if I do, I must be willing to accept the consequences of that decision...the loss in income. Her 'obedience' to her supervisor is done only as a means for survival in the workplace. If I decide to overrule what her boss demands, then I must accept the outcome there her manager chooses; termination.

In conclusion, realize that 24/7 servitude directly to a Master is not feasible in many instances. But, if one has the mindset of a slave and knows who he/she is owned by, then all efforts will be directed towards that person's benefit. And, this is just as valid a form of slavery as living on a plantation 250 years ago.

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Role Playing versus Living

The BDSM community is a wide spectrum. It includes people from all walks of life who have varying interests. People enter into the arena with a plethora of experiences which do not match up. In the end, it is the diversity which makes it such a wonderful life.

Role Playing

Role playing is a firm part of this lifestyle. Many engage in it as a method of enhancing their enjoyment. The most common is in the sexual arena where people liven up their 'bedroom antics' with a bit of D/s role play. Taking the part of dominant or submissive adds a layer of pleasure which many do not experience in vanilla relationships. Light bondage, spanking, and blindfolds are often part of the practices these people engage in. While many will proclaim that this is not bdsm, I feel that it is. Certainly our life is wide enough to include people who are into light play.

Another form of role playing is within the setup of an existing relationship. Many will create scenes to enhance the pleasure with a partner. Leather outfits, whips, rope, and chains can all be used to simulate a dungeon scene. This is a way that some opt to stress the difference in power. It is not unheard of for people to switch during a scene with each person being both dominant and submissive. Since they are filling roles, the reversal is rather easy for these types. It is one area where a 'lifestyler' will differ from the role players.

As mentioned, I feel that all of these desires fall under the heading of 'BDSM'. Anyone who engages in any type of power exchange utilizing the accessories that we do is participating in BDSM.

The Lifestyle

Then there are those who 'live this lifestyle'. Before going any further, I will state that this is a bit misleading to a newer person. There are few who actually live this as a true lifestyle meaning that this is their primary involvement. Some will be involved in BDSM relationships while earning their living by performing so type of BDSM act. Professionally Dommes come to mind as a group who makes their living off BDSM.

However, these people are the minority. Most of us lead lives similar to most other people. We work regular jobs earning wages to sustain our families. The problems and difficulties that people in the vanilla world face are also common amongst us. We suffer at times physically, financially, emotionally, and with family. None of us are immune to being human. We experience many of the same things that others do.

So, what is the difference. To me, it comes in the mindset. One who 'lives the BDSM lifestyle' carries the mindset of power exchange 24/7. Even if someone is not in a relationship presently, he or she knows exactly what is being sought. For example, a dominant knows that he or she is such. It is not something that is wavered upon. Ultimately, this person is acting in accordance to a deep-seeded desire. The same is true for those who are submissive. They are following a path that comes from within.

This is a sharp contrast compared to those who role play. These individuals can exit the BDSM life once they leave the scene. When their antics are over, they return to 'normal life'. The lifestyle person does not. He or she carries that mindset in every situation. A slave is still owned even if she is at work and under the concern of another 'manager'. She does not change simply because the situation does. Equality is not sought in any area of her life. The role player returns to equality. And that is the difference.

Room For All

The BDSM life is large enough for all to be a part of. While I will take exception to some on terminology (labels) used in particular situations, I will never say that anyone needs to leave the BDSM community. I understand it is a varied spectrum. Some prefer the lighter side of things while others are seeking the extreme. Personal desires are meant to be fulfilled whatever those desires are. It is not up to anyone else to determine that for an individual. If one (or a couple) wants to simply liven things up by engaging in some light BDSM, have at it. We should be glad to have these people. Variety is what makes the world go round.

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Run The Other Way

I am going concentrate on the Dominant side of a D/s relationship in this post. My reason for writing this is simple: I see so many who profess to be dominant and in search of one to control yet such failures in their lives.

A Dominant One Needs To Have Something To Offer

This is a point that is overlooked by many. A D/s relationship is a two-way street. The submissive brings a lot to the table in terms of the service offered through the submission process. In turn, the dominant one compliments the submissive by controlling and dominating his/her life.

Nevertheless, to truly be effective the dominant needs to offer stability. I found that a sub's life is full of chaos. For whatever reason, on their own, submissive types tend to do poorly. I can only presume the need for guidance is greater in these individuals. Thus, when entering a D/s relationship, there usually is some wreckage that needs cleaning up. Perhaps this is just a sign of the times and people's ability to deal with life situations. Nevertheless, individuals of this sort often need help.

Cant Give What One Doesnt Have

This is a simple concept that also seems to elude people. One cannot provide that to another what he or she does not have. Before one can fulfill a particular role in a person's life, he or she must already posses those qualities/characteristics. In short, a dominant one needs to have his/her act together.

I see so many who are total messes trying to dominate another. What makes one submit to a person who is so obviously lacking in life skills? Hopefully this post will help some to resist the temptation to submit to a person of this nature and run the other way. No good can ever come out of the a situation like this.

To be an effective Dom/Dome, one must be able to provide support for the submissive person. Support means different things to each person. But, in general, a Dom/Domme is responsible for mental, emotional, financial, and psychological support to one who submits. Is the person you are dealing with capable of offering these things to you.

Look At The Rest of His/Her Life

I am always amazed at one who claims to be dominant yet that is nowhere to be found anywhere in that person's life. Thus, to determine how well suited one is for a life of control and domination you must look at the rest of his/her life. If you do not see the domination and success exemplified in other areas of life, then there is a great chance you are dealing with a person not suited to be your Dom/Domme.

Many intend on having their sub/slave provide financial means to the relationship. While this is often a necessity in this era of dual income requirements, there are times when one cannot provide in this manner to the relationship. In those times, it is up to the dominant one to step in and provide for the relationship. An example of this was when my slave first came to me. Because of a paperwork issue, she wasnt able to work for 8 months. Over that time, she had to serve me in a different capacity. I was the one who stepped and provided for her.

The same holds true for emotional support. There are many times when submissives need the strength of the dominant one. Life situations develop that can overwhelm a person. A dominant one might need to stand in and provide emotional strength in a time of need.

Which brings me back to the original premise: is the person in question able to provide for one in this manner? If he or she shows a complete lack of ability in other areas of life, it is a sure bet that the same thing will happen in this relationship also. A person does not suddenly develop the ability to handle situations where he or she previously lacked the ability. This is common sense.

A BDSM relationship is a relationship where both parties need to contribute.

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Poly And BDSM

As I travel around the web, I am struck by all the people who are poly. Every where I turn, there is another individual or couple who is part of a poly relationship (household) and seeking to add another. Without any scientific data, I can only estimate the percentage of people in this lifestyle who are poly.

The Stats Do Not Match

Poly relationships are not exclusive to the BDSM community.  In fact, as you will see, most of the exist outside this world.  The vast percentage of true poly relationships reside in the traditional realm of society.  For these people, the lifestyle choice is not based upon sex or control.  Rather, it is a matter of the heart.

Estimates are weak in terms of the numbers or percentage of the population that truly is poly.  I heard claims that there are somewhere around 500,000 people in polyamorous relationships in the United States.  This number, according to some, is low when you consider the conditioning and promotion of monogamy by society at large.  How many more would embrace the poly life if our culture promoted it as an acceptable alternative?  Some claim that this number might reach 10% of the populous.

How does this compare to the BDSM community?  Based upon my informal survey on the internet, I think there are somewhere around 50% of the people who are seeking to live in some type of poly situation.  Compare this with a 10% number if society promoted poly as a reasonable alternative and one is left to conclude that something does not add up.

My belief is that either people who are involved in BDSM are a great deal more open minded about matters concerning the heart or there is something misleading about the statements people are making.  I make this claim because the numbers do not add up when compared to reasonable statistics in general.

Polysexual vs. Polyamorous

Poly is something that is easy to understand.  It simply means "more than one".  The question is more than one what?  Here we need to have a further understanding about the terms we are using.  Part of the statistical problem mentioned is because people are dealing with two definitions.

Polysexual means having sex with more than one person.  At the same time, polyamorous means being in love with more than one person.  Basically, when someone says they are poly, are they referring to sex or love?  That is where the big difference arises.

The polysexual community includes everyone who lives the open sexual lifestyle.  Swingers and porn stars fit into this category.  Their sexual escapades include numerous people (at least 2 others).  Sharing, swapping, and orgies are commonplace.  Bisexual encounters are also frequent.

Polyamorous people are those who focus more on the relationship aspect of things.  These are the ones who believe in love and commitment to more than one person.  While they may embark on the open sexual lifestyle, that is actually a rarity.  These people tend to have sex as a secondary issue.  Traditional arenas for polyamory is the Muslim and Mormon faiths.   Here a man (since the are male dominated disciplines) can have more than one wife.  The male is poly with monogamous wives.  Love is at the core of each of the relationships.

Poly and BDSM

This brings us to the BDSM community.  So, are upwards towards 50% of these people poly?  The answer lies in the definition.  They might be polysexual but they arent polyamorous.  In fact, these individuals are actually clueless about the poly lifestyle.  Their interest is in polysexual at best.

The classic example is a post where a M/s (or D/s, D/D) couple is looking to add another sub to their "poly" relationship.  What actually is occurring is that a Master is actually seeking to be a multi-slave owner.  He is not interested in creating a poly atmosphere.  The male wants two slaves while the female wants a sister and a bisexual lover.  That is what they are truly after.

In a true polyamorous situation, both relationships are given equal opportunity to grow.  One is not more important or given priority than the other.  Naturally, the second relationship trails the first in terms of familiarity and trust.  However, it also have the advantage of providing new energy (called NRE-New Relationship Energy) and excitement as compared to the first.  While the first person (slave in this example) has the knowledge of the Master, the second is given equal opportunity over time to become just as trusted.  Naturally, we do not see this in most of those offering poly BDSM relationships.

Alpha Slave

The alpha slave is a term used to describe the slave who is the head of a household in a multi-slave situation.  Traditionally, it was when there were a plethora of servants that one was placed in charge to make sure all tasks were completed to satisfaction.  This person was the de facto "Mother Hen".  It was her job to tend to all the other slaves while keeping them in line.  This freed the Master from the responsibility of discipline and micro mangement.

Many in the BDSM world claim they are being set up as alpha slaves.  They believe that their place is the incumbent slave entitles them to prestige over the newer person arriving.  This is bunk.  To start, in the M/s world, few have so many that they need an alpha slave.  Besides, who says the present slave has the ability to become a leader among slaves.  In fact, there is a chance the newer person is 10 times the slave the first one is.  She might be more obedient, knowledgeable, and talented.  Perhaps the second one is more qualified as the alpha slave.

Instead, the alpha slave is a method used for the first slave to keep her place between the newer one and the Master.   Typically, there is a long term relationship (possibly a marriage) in place when they go seeking another.  The first doesnt want to lose her status.  Anyone new is a threat.  In fact, there are many who state that if one is to go it is the new one.  Again, if it is true polyamory, one cannot make that assertion.  Each relationship exists on its own merit.  The success or failure of a slave depends upon her interaction with the Master, not on the other slave.  If one is to go, it is the one who doesnt meet the expectations established by the Master regardless of the number of years with him.

A Third Wheel

In the end, most of the people seeking poly are only interested in a third wheel.  As mentioned, the Master is interested in owning multiple slaves while the existing slave wants a sister.  The new person is nothing more than a third wheel to their arrangement.  She is there to perform tasks and enter into their sexual games.  That is all.  While this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement for anyone who is willing to enter it, one needs to be aware of what she is agreeing to.  To think that she is going to have an equal opportunity with the Master is foolhardy if this is the situation.  Most Masters are not polyamorous.  The existing relationship is the one that they will side with and not let go of.  The other slave, since she has no idea how to exist in a true poly situation, will eventually do things that will sabotage the newer relationship.  In the end, the new one is out since her relationship with the Master was never given a fair chance to develop.  She came in as and was always treated as a third wheel.  

The situation failed because it wasnt poly to begin with.  

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Limits

When I surf around the different BDSM websites that I like to visit, I see wide opinions concerning limits. I am amazed how a group of people with similar experiences have such a differing view on this topic. Today, I will attempt to clarify what I perceive as some misconceptions concerning limits.

No Limit Slave

This is an idea that I see referred to all the time. People typically will advertise themselves as a "no limit slave". Or, they will state that they are seeking a slave with no limits. While we are engaging in fantasy, let us dwell upon our Christmas lists in hopes that Santa and the Easter Bunny will show up with a bag full of kinky treats. It ain't going to happen.

The idea of a "No limit slave" is total fantasy. This person does not exist. We should all cease to mention and promote the concept. It only leads to misinformation and confusion. Newer people believe this is something that is attainable. Sadly, they mentally abuse themselves since they fall short of this ideal. In the end, the myth causes great destruction.

If anyone is taking exception to this at this point, I would have you consider what you would allow me to do to you (if you are a slave). You proclaim to be no limit. If that is the case, let me cut off your arms and beat you over the head with them. Someone who truly is no limit would not have a problem with the loss of limbs. As long as it fulfills the Master's desire, so the thinking goes, then it is appropriate.

Of course, many counter that this is not part of the philosophy of SAFE, sane, and consensual. Well, my argument is that, according to this mindset, I am free to do with as I wish to my property. Therefore, if I want to destroy it, thus reducing its value by cutting off limbs, that is within my right. A no limit slave would go along with this.

Therefore, everyone has limits.

Hard Limits

There are two types of limits that we encounter. The first are hard limits. This is an area that people often confuse with the second type of limit. A hard limit is basically something that one cannot do under any circumstance. Many of these limits are universal and fall under the category of commonly held practices. For example, with the exception of a few, most people have the involvement of children as a hard limit. This is a line they will not cross no matter who or what is directing them. I would say that 98%+ agree with this limit.

Another way hard limits arise is in terms of the psychological state of the individual. Many suffered horrific abuse that was not dealt with. In my book, An Owned Life, I relate the story of one who was sexually abused by her dad and his friends over the years. This was a situation that she never handled with the help of a professional therapist. For this reason, a blindfold was a hard limit for her since she flashbacked to the prior abuse. As long as she could see during the scene, she was fine. However, cover her eyes and her mind drifted. For this individual, a blindfold is a hard limit.

The bottom line with hard limits is that there needs to be a valid reason for the limit.

Soft Limits

This is the second kind of limit we encounter and is by far the most common. People's hard limits are often nothing more than soft limits. This is a limit that a Dom/Master should work on helping one overcome. The individual might think this is something that he/she would never do. However, it is a limit that is to be explored.

To quickly shed light on what falls in this category, I will mention the "Eeew that is gross" concept. I often hear people respond when something is mentioned. Guess what, just because you think it gross, does not make it a hard limit. Those who are in a total power exchange relationship know that their consent in this regard is not required. A gross activity is still something that can be engaged in. Dislike is not a valid reason to make something a hard limit.

Another way that a limit exists is because someone has not worked up to overcoming it. For example, many think that paddling is a hard limit for them. Yet, when trained by an experienced person who knows how to push a limit without causing harm, one realizes that their level of acceptance of pain will grow over time.

Soft limits exist but should diminish over time as trust and experience with a particular Master grows.

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Freedom

This is something that I truly value in my life. It is one of my highest ideals. Part of my plan for the next year is to restructure aspects of my life to experience more of this. I guess there is something within me which does not like to conform to what society says is proper. Perhaps I have a quiet rebellious streak that I need to satisfy.

Society has a way of conditioning us to behave in certain ways. We are taught that marriage is the proper course to follow when you grow up. (I will leave the question whether it is between a man and a woman or other scenarios to others). Our culture teaches the traditional model which most people adhere to. Being one who followed their suggestions for a while, I can attest that this did not work for me. The concept of a vanilla lifestyle did not go well. In fact, I failed miserably at it.

For those who know of me, you are aware that I never married. However, I did replicate that idea by living with someone in a long term situation. We got so involved that the breakup required attorneys on both sides. Needless to say, this did not endear that ideal to me.

BDSM is something that I was in and out of for years. My first experience with it was over a decade ago. Being uncertain what I wanted for myself, I stayed in it until I met the "one". Of course, as soon as the "one" turned out not to be that, I drifted back into this way of life. That transpired for a number of years until the blowup that I just mentioned. At that time, I made the commitment that this is how I live my life.

What I love about the BDSM lifestyle is the freedom that goes along with it. Anyone can choose how they want to live. There are so many facets, styles, and cultures within BDSM, that one literally could go in a hundred different directions. Are you interested in the leather scene? Do you like the idea of M/s? Would you want to live as 24/7 or do you prefer the occasional scene? How extreme do you wish to go? Is this something that you want to implement just during sex or would you like more? The avenues one can pursue are endless.

To me, BDSM is all about freedom. I am not bound by the viewpoints of society. Their cultural ideals in terms of relationships mean nothing to me. I found the arena which I am most happy. This is the lifestyle that suits me. It is a way of life which fulfills my highest value in life. Now, if I could only get the rest of my life to follow suit.

What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.

Real Versus Role Play

How much in the BDSM world is real versus that which is role play? The answer to this question resides in the two people who are involved in the relationship. It is up to them to determine what the boundaries of their relationship are. Like I continue to mention, there is not a "one size, fits all" model to follow. BDSM offers the flexibility to create whatever it is that you desire.

The other day I wrote about the use of professionals. When engaging in this behavior, one is most likely acting out a particular fantasy. Depending on what it is, there can be an assumption of roles during the scene. Many like to create entire scenarios surrounding the scene. This is a wonderful way to explore one's desires.

People who are involved in more committed relationships also can implement role playing into their interactions. Some like to live out the "bad little girl idea","teacher-student", or "pet play". All of these can occur during a casual interaction or within the confines of a deeper relationship. It depends upon what the parties are interested in. That is why I always suggest that people experiment to see what they like. BDSM is a fascinating world open to anyone who wants to try it.

Many seem to feel this is common sense. However, there are lots of new people who seem to ignore common sense when it comes to BDSM. For whatever reason, they act in ways that defy logic. I see too many put themselves in potentially dangerous situations which would never occur if they were pursuing a traditional relationship. It seems they think things are different because this is BDSM. Many of the same interpersonal skills used in other walks of life apply here. The BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

To me, role play is real. Some choose to live this way of life 24/7. That is their privilege. Others elect to only implement BDSM in the bedroom. Another fine way to approach it. Playing Master/slave during a scene has the same effect during that time as being a real slave. The lashes are equally real. Certainly, I am not claiming this person is a slave because of a role assumed. However, this person is engaged in BDSM even if for only a short period of time.

Mindset is a crucial component in all of life. Approaching BDSM with the proper outlook is crucial to having an enjoyable experience. Too many believe there is only one method to this way of life. Some of the experienced people like to degrade the way others choose to live. That is garbage. This is the attitude that turns people away from this lifestyle. BDSM is about living one's life in a manner pleasing to that person. However one chooses to go about it, as long as it is safe, is wonderful. Let the opinions of others be damned.