September 30, 2008
The wonderful part about BDSM is the broadness of it. There are so many ways to be involved in this lifestyle that it is too numerous to list. Also, the end result is that people enjoy themselves. Sex is meant to be fun. Most people in this way of life are highly sexual beings. Why shouldn't they enhance that aspect of their life? How they go about doing it is nobody's business. As long as it is done in a safe manner, what goes on between two consenting adults is their deal. Everyone else can jump in a lake.
Many want to critique the ideas of others. Often, this is done in a demeaning way. Being a person who values freedom, I cede this is that person's right. However, there is a saying that "nobody ever erected a statue for a critic". Many times people leave harsh comments about something that I wrote. My response is "what have you ever done for this lifestyle champ?". It is easy for one to sit on the sidelines and pass judgment. Nevertheless, people who are worth a crap are actually in the game.
There are going to be differences of opinion. No two Doms control a sub the same way. Each has his or her style that works. The same is true for subs. I have yet to meet two who were identical. Each has her own qualities and attributes. BDSM is truly a lifestyle that is contoured to each individual's tastes. This is one of the more appealing characteristics of it in my opinion.
So the next time you want to get on your high horse, I ask you, what makes you so damn important? What have you ever done that makes your opinion worth anything? Before you condemn, let's see your list of accomplishments. I always find it interesting that the ones who are usually running their mouths (keyboards in this case) are the ones who are bitter and alone. Ironic that O/one who screwed up every relationship wants to advise others on what to do.
The bottom line is there is more than one way to practice this way of life. If what someone else does is not to your liking, shut your lips and mind your own business. That is how mature, enlightened people approach life. Of course, those who feel the need to bully to prove they are right are really just showing how low their self esteem is. The bully is the one in schoolyard who is always pushing others around to hide the fact that he thinks little of himself. This persists until somebody stands up to him by punching him square in the face.
There are enough people looking to put us down for our beliefs. The need to do this among ourselves should not occur. Work on your self esteem so that you do not feel the need to "always be right". Going off on a tirade does not prove that you are much of a person. Allowing others to be themselves is the mark of a true adult.
September 29, 2008
The desire to serve is something that comes from deep within one, in my opinion. Many cannot understand this aspect of a person. Obviously, this is not something that society promotes. Control and power are the qualities that it says are important. You are a success only to the degree that these are achieved. However, submission is a characteristic that is admirable. The selfless giving of oneself to another is to be cherished.
I speak often to many who are not in this lifestyle. In days past, I tried to explain the position that a sub/slave takes. I did my best to relate the experiences and feelings of those who I interacted with over the years. Yet, never was I able to convey it to these people. Simply, they did not get it. Nor would they ever. It is not something that the average person can comprehend. To them it is a foreign concept. "I would never submit to a man" or "My man needs to listen to me" are sentences I heard. These people wanted to retain the power and control.
Does this make them wrong? Not at all. These individuals did not have the overwhelming desire to serve another. My experience leads me to believe that only a small percentage of the population falls into this category. Perhaps it is a bit larger when you look at the many who lovingly serve their children. However, this is a great deal different than serving a Dom/Master. The ones who are able to submit to this degree seem small as compared to the general population.
Service is something that should be admired. We take it for granted as a quality. Sadly, those who perform that work in our culture are looked down upon. They are the ones on the lower rung of society. Choosing to live the life of a submissive is a terrific way to fulfill your inner desire. It is something that one need not be shameful about. And, it certainly is not a sign of weakness. Many make this mistake. There is nothing more powerful than one living his or her life in the way that it was meant to be. It takes courage to do the inner search to arrive at the conclusion that W/we all do. Most tend to follow the values and virtues of what society itself is promoting. To me, this is cowardice. Choose to live the life the way that your inner core tells you to. It is the path to happiness. Hopefully, BDSM is the way that provides your answer.
September 28, 2008
I witness Many who prefer to believe that there is only one way to deal with subs. This is incorrect. A sub/slave enters into a relationship with many different experiences. These all need to be taken into consideration when interacting with each one. Failure to do so can cause irreversible harm to that person.
Past abuse is certainly a common area that needs attention. Many (women especially) were abused sexually. This is not something that is only within the BDSM community but, rather, society in general. Some are fortunate enough to get the counseling needed to overcome these experiences. However, the vast percentage do not. This is something a Dom/Master should consider when interacting with this individual. For example, I had one who suffered abuse from her father as a child. With her, the use of blindfolds was out since she would go back to that time whenever she could not see. It was an adjustment I made to keep her in the present moment during our scenes together.
Another aspect that needs to be examined is the experience level of the one that is involved. Obviously, my approach will change when dealing with someone who lived in the lifestyle versus someone new. I have different expectations based upon the experience. At the same time, depending upon the treatment of her past Doms/Masters, I might have to undo a lot of misinformation. There are so many people pretending to be in this lifestyle who end up abusing another. A good Dom/Master will delve into one's past to see how she was treated.
The final item that I will mention is regarding self esteem. Again, I do not believe the percentage in any different in the BDSM world compared to society at large, but many You will deal with have low self worth. Most people grow up be programmed to believe they are not good enough. This comes from parents, peers, religion, and teachers. Even when not intentional, many adults will transfer their own lack of esteem onto a child. The results are obvious. One needs to be mindful of this when dealing with a sub/slave. Choosing to submit is not a sign of weakness; rather strength. Anyone who is following his or her inner calling is one worthy of praise and admiration. One should focus attention on this fact on a regular basis.
There are an assortment of other ways that subs/slaves differ. Identifying the needs of each is a major responsibility of a Dom/Master. It is important to contour the training to matching these needs of each. If not, the relationship is usually doomed to fail. In my experience, the ones that succeed are those where the needs of one is fulfilled while his or her talents are used to maximum potential. Treat each as an individual will increase the chances of this occurring.
September 25, 2008
A sub's answer is "Yes, Sir" or "Yes, Ma'am". The BDSM world is one that centers around an exchange of power. In the Master/slave, it is a total exchange. At the same time, the D/s relationship has a complete exchange of power in those areas that are agreed upon. Regardless of the makeup, this premise is the focal point of the relationship. In fact, it is what separates it from traditional relationships.
It is common for a sub to forget his/her place. Societal training leads us to the point where we are taught to be self sufficient and that we have a say. A sub cedes this in BDSM. It is not his or her place to say anything. The Dom/Master is the one in control. It is the responsibility of a sub to obey.
This situation always brings up the point of hard limits. Do they really exist and, if so, what are they? Obviously, there needs to be some limits which are non-negotiable. Anything that involves children is naturally off limits. The same goes for abuse. While many subs enjoy pain, there is no need to beat him or her to the point of needing medical attention. This is a limit that One should not get to. These are a couple of examples of hard limits.
Notice that each of those limits is basically a societal/human decency item. We do not promote the use of violence or death. This is in line with what society believes. However, to me, that is the extent of hard limits. A sub, once submitted, agrees to follow the dictates of the Dom/Master. This is non-negotiable. "No" is not in the vocabulary. It is really disappointing when a sub believes that he/she has a say in what transpires. Too many believe they still have the right to say "No".
I will acknowledge that this lifestyle is completely voluntary. Nobody can be forced into it (society disagrees with that also). However, once someone agrees to the premise of our life, it is time to adhere to the proper protocol. This is determined by the ground rules established by the One in charge. To do anything different strikes at the foundation of what this life is all about.
My feeling is that if you want to retain control, stay in the traditional arena. Many are attracted to some aspect of the BDSM world while not really belonging. Again, it is more of a fantasy to them. Sadly, misinformation is often one of the main culprits. They are mislead into believing that BDSM is a life where all is merry. Life is still life. This is something that nobody can avoid. Adding the pressure of keeping a Dom/Master happy often becomes too much. The fantasy quickly turns into a nightmare. Consider this before delving into it. Many will expect you to know your place.
September 22, 2008
I take great pain to help people enter this way of life with an open set of eyes. It is easy to be led astray with all the misinformation that is out there. The Internet is full of ideas that lead to pain and hurt. That being said, it is also healthy to mention what many consider the most exciting part of BDSM.
The scene is the interaction between two or more people. Typically, it occurs between a Dom and sub. The "dungeon" scene is the most famous image that is promoted. It is a visual that really shows the separation between the One in control and the one who submitted. The fact that the dungeon scene also has an element that is raw to it makes it exciting for many.
People who are in BDSM really can allow their natural traits to emerge during the scene. To me, it is the most basic way to show my dominance. At the same time, subs mentioned it is where they really experience being controlled by another. There is something about being able to do anything physically or sexually to another that stimulates these juices within us. Of course, safety remains a standard concern at all times (you didn't think I would skip over that, did you?).
The scene can occur within the bounds of a relationship or can be the basis for getting together. Often, a scene will develop at a party where there is a room set up with all the accessories. It is not uncommon to see a Dominatrix working on a sub she just met. Depending upon the "accessories" available, this can be a time when fantasies are fulfilled. Many like to be tied to benches, crosses, or other types of BDSM furniture. A variety of other accessories are used such as floggers, whips, paddles, and dildos. The scene might include sex but not always. It is up to the participants to decide what they want (ahead of time). Depending on the knowledge the two have of each other, there are rules agreed to including the use of safe words.
The scene is designed for one thing: pure pleasure. Both parties really can fulfill their basic dominating or submissive nature. It is the time where all inhibitions are cast aside. Remember safety but then, after that, seek out maximum pleasure.
September 21, 2008
I will admit to you that I am terrible at tying knots. This is something that I never was able to master. I can tie a double and, perhaps, a slip knot. That is the extent of my expertise. Thankfully, cuffs can serve the same purpose in most situations.
For those who are frequent readers of this blog, you already know how safety is one of the most vital aspects of our way of life. Everything needs to take a backseat to this concept. When dealing with rope, one needs to take all precautions to prevent injury to a sub. Remember, that person is putting his or her trust in You.
Those who were in the Boy Scouts are adept at playing with rope. So, too, are those who sail. However, for the rest of us, understanding the basic of how to safely utilize rope is crucial. Circulation is crucial to avoiding injury to another. For this reason, an understanding of the circulatory system is also helpful. I would recommend reading some basic medical texts to get an idea of the different pressure points in the body (and you thought you were just going to get your kink on). A rope that cuts of one's circulation can cause permanent nerve damage.
The BDSM scene is something that is enjoyable for both parties. However, approaching it in a safe manner is something that all need to consider.
September 18, 2008
Many are attracted to the lifestyle initially because of the sexual aspect. Some submissives crave being taken and used sexually. Simultaneously, many Masters love the idea of having one at His complete disposal. To have someone obey His every sexual whim is something that is appealing to a Master. However, anyone who is involved in this for any length of time will know there is a great deal more to the lifestyle than that.
I meet many who claim to have the desire of being a 24/7 slave. The tendency is for them to focus on the sexual aspect. They love the idea of being "taken" at any time while used as a complete pleasure toy. Serving their Master for His pleasure is their goal. However, many fail to visualize past the sex part.
What does being a 24/7 entail? Sexual submission is certainly part of it. However, there are many more aspects which one should consider. While many will talk about pleasure versus domestic slaves, in reality, they tend to be one in the same. Some will take sex slaves periodically. Yet, this is usually not under the 24/7 category. A slave is used however a Master chooses. There are times where He seeks pleasure while wanting His domestic affairs attended to.
When one is looking at the 24/7 lifestyle, one must consider what it is like to be a domestic slave. A slave's time is spent more on satisfying her Master in that area than is spent in sexual activities. Are you one who desires to spend your evenings after work cooking, cleaning, and other tedious tasks. Those with the "homemaking" mentality will not have a problem with this. Some who have a more wild spirit might resist this change.
Another thing to consider is doing without your Master's attention. Many fail to understand that once one submits, she is without any rights. Ponder how big a statement that is. If a Master elects to focus His attention on other areas of His life, that is how it will be. Can you accept waiting at home for Him while He is out? Are you one who cannot live without the constant contact of your Master? This might be a real possibility.
I write this without the intention of trying to dissuade anyone from entering the M/s world. Yet I feel it necessary that one goes into this with a full awareness of what life could be like. The polyanna attitude will only work for so long. Ensuring that a M/s relationship survives requires effort, work, and realistic expectations. Knowing oneself while understand how you will react in certain situations helps to prepare one for what occurs.
To begin, it is important to know what it is that attracted you. Honest self-appraisal is the first step in your journey. Are you submissive? Dominant? What limits do you see yourself having? Is this something that you might want to make as a full-time lifestyle or do you like the idea of being in a scene? The answers to these questions will help to guide you.
For those in relationships, communication is the key. Bringing this up to your partner might encounter some resistance. As we mentioned numerous times, there is a lot of prejudice and misconception out there. It is likely your significant other harbors many of these same ideas. So expressing to him or her why you want to do this is important.
The best way is to start slow. It is not suggested that you go out and replace your entire wardrobe with leather. Nor do you want to create a dungeon in your home; at least not initially. Look for ways to implement BDSM into your daily life. You might want to talk to your partner about adding a bit of bondage or impact play into your next sexual encounter. If you want to start outside the bedroom, have the dominant One begin to lay down some ground rules. Use terms like Sir or Madam in situations where you are alone. Perhaps you might like to adopt a subservient position by sitting at his or her feet while watching television. All of these things create a shift in power. Turning one's power over to a Dom is a fundamental step in the BDSM community.
Education is a powerful tool. Even as you are starting to do some of these things, continue to read and grow. Check back to this forum or my alternate one (click here) each day for new information. It is often helpful to sign up for forum to interact with others already living this way of life. There are many free ones available; you just need to register to be able to post (click here for mine). This will allow you to post questions that you might have. Finally, have fun with it. Resist the temptation to put too much pressure on yourself. This is a fun way to live. Life is tough enough on its' own. There is no need to add to the stress level. Enjoy yourself.
September 15, 2008
What many fail to consider is the responsibility that goes along with being in this position. Control equates to a lot of responsibility. The one in control needs to be responsible for all that occurs. A sub/slave cannot assume responsibility for the direction of what occurs if he/she submits fully. This is a part of the submission process. The exchange of power is complete.
Safety is the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking about the BDSM relationship. This applies regardless of what type of relationship it is. The one in control is responsible for ensuring the safety of His/Her sub. This really becomes important when the relationship is relegated only to a scene. The Dom/Domme is the One who makes sure the sub is safe, both physically and mentally.
A 24/7 relationship carries a host of other responsibilities that most overlook. While many can work, it ultimately is the Dom/Master who needs to provide for His/Her one. This includes providing the guidance required to move the relationship forward. Leadership is one of the qualities which a person in this position needs. One looks to maximize the capabilities of His/Her sub. Being able to size up the potential of one is another important factor. What is he/she best suited to do? This is a question many fail to look at.
There are times when being a Dom/Master is extremely difficult. Many seem to go into the relationship not knowing what to expect. I must tell you that the BDSM relationship is not a bowl of cherries. There are many issues One needs to deal with. For both a Dom and sub, there is a reality which differs greatly from the fantasy portrayed online. It is best to learn the facts before accepting another's submission. Being in control means being responsible.
Being a Dom allows me to exert control and influence in a manner that I desire. Of course, the mutual payoff exists. It is exciting to see the pleasure one (or more) receives from pleasuring Me. A submissive craves being used in a manner which satisfies her Dom. Using one in this capacity stimulates the dominant streak to the max.
We get to decide what our pleasure is. Group sex is a consistent part of my reality. I do the things that other in my office only dream of. Is it Me? No, it is the result of choosing a lifestyle which partners Me with people who are equally as driven. Sexual freedom is something that few can imagine. When you do meet up with those who think the same way, the world is at your doorstep. All the societal morays are removed. Pleasure is what we seek.
BDSM is more than just whips and leather. It is a total way of life. Sexually, we are some of the most diverse people. We like everything from straight one-on-one to orgies to bondage to extreme. There is nothing that is left unimagined. If you can think of it, we probably tried it. Join this way of life to open yourself up to all that it has to offer.
September 13, 2008
Society has a way of wanting to remove the fun out of sex. I will not engage in that debate here. Nevertheless, certain sectors of our culture want to trivialize the sexual experience. At the same time, these same people use terms to belittle those who live in a different manner. People are often called queer, perverted, sick, etc... The "moralists" believe they know how people should behave.
Fortunately, those of us who chose this as a way of life care little what those people think. This is part of the freedom that it offers. It seems that while we are happy to engage in bondage, we do so less than society in general. BDSM is the breaking free from the bondage of limiting ideas. Your sex life is suppose to be fun. It is something for you to enjoy to the fullest. If something interests you, while not hurting another person, why shouldn't you be allowed to participate. That is what we strive for with BDSM. It is a voluntary way of life.
So here is my suggestion: relax. Being new to something is never easy. Yet, we were all new to BDSM at some point. The experience holds freedom and excitement if you are willing to participate. For me, it starts with the understanding that you are here to enjoy yourself. BDSM is fun. Always remember that.
September 7, 2008
Erotic humiliation is the act of verbally or physically embarrassing another. It is a technique that many Doms/Masters utilize for added pleasure. This is also something that I found many subs enjoy. As mentioned, it is a way that the Dom/Master asserts more control.
Calling one names that are degrading is something that is not condoned within our society. People are taught from a young age to not let others treat them in this manner. That all changes within the BDSM community. There are many who enjoy the degrading treatment which comes from a Dom/Master. To them, it can be a badge of honor.
Submission is something that most cannot understand. Many who look at our way of life from the outside cannot understand how one can give his or her power to another. Of course, anyone who submitted understands completely. Along those lines, many subs enjoy being called terms which are considered degrading by those on the outside. It is added stimulation for both partners. Personally, I like the feeling of control which comes from calling one such "taboo" terms. I imagine the subs feel the same way from the opposite perspective.
As you know by now, I am big on safety. The mental makeup of a sub is very important before engaging in this form of play. If one is not stable mentally, it is best to avoid this entirely. The line between play and degradation will get blurred if she is not of sound mind. This is something reserved only for those who can handle it.
September 6, 2008
To me, sex is suppose to be fun and exciting. The experimental aspect of it is one of the factors which make it so. I love to try new things. At the same time, I really enjoy helping others discover what BDSM can offer them. There are so many different facets which will liven up anyone's sex life.
So, where do you begin? I would say that learning a bit about the different areas is a good starting point. Look back over your fantasies to see what it is that you like. What have you always wanted to try? Perhaps you like the idea of being tied up. Or, maybe a good spanking is to your liking? Does the idea of domination or submission appeal to you? Where can you see "puppy" play fitting into your sex life? These are some of the things that will enhance what you enjoy with your partner.
Do not feel the need to go to the extreme end of the lifestyle immediately. Many feel that they need to be "leather" within a week of being introduced to this way of life. Nothing could be further from the truth. BDSM offers the opportunity for anyone to create a life that is appropriate for him or her. What others do is irrelevant. The important factor is what you enjoy and the level that you feel comfortable with.
Begin by experimenting with different things. Go online and read about different factors of the BDSM way of life. Start by implementing what interests you. Of course, communicate all your desires to your partner. Communication is one of the most critical components when trying new things. Make sure that both of you are on the same page. Safety is always at the top of our list. And most of all, have fun.
September 3, 2008
This is for all those who love the BDSM lifestyle and poetry. It is a book of over 100 poems about life as a slave as recited to me by one with more than 20 years in the lifestyle. Many found it moving in our test research as I am sure you will also. Here is a sampling of one:
He is Master as she is slave
He is Strong as she needs His strength
He is Wise as she needs His wisdom
He is Kind as she needs His kindness
He is Loving as she needs His love
He is Teacher as she needs to learn
He is Trusting as she needs His trust
He is Master as she is slave
He is Master as she is slave
He is Truth as she needs the truth
He is Punishment as she needs the lessons
He is Honest as she needs honesty
He is Laughter as she need to laugh
He is Comfort as she needs to cry
He is Safety as she needs to be safe
He is Master as she is slave
He is Master as she is slave
He is Map as she finds her way
He is Light as she needs to see
He is Food as she needs to feed
He is Answers as she asks the questions
He is Knowledge as she to know
He is Reward as she needs to be rewarded
He is Master as she is His
Check out this exciting new book "Words of Submission" here.
September 1, 2008
As we mentioned repeatedly, the world of BDSM is varied and diverse. There are many avenues for one to pursue. However, whatever your choice might be, do not expect others outside the lifestyle to understand. There are certain things pertaining to this way of life that are beyond comprehension by those who are not involved. Part of this stems from the inability to articulate why we do some of the things that we do.
This misunderstanding can also occur within the lifestyle. There are so many facets that it gets difficult to comprehend some of what others do. For me, I still cannot grasp the concept of submission. I am a Dom so this is to be expected. Theoretically, I get the inner need to serve another. Yet the feeling obviously eludes me. The same can occur when a sub/slave encounters a “pain slut”. One who enjoys pain is foreign to those who do not. It is a stark difference within the lifestyle.
I had the experience of trying to explain to one outside this way of life why a slave does what she does. The end result was that this woman did not understand. Fortunately, I did not expect her to . I knew that this was something that was beyond her grasp. Her viewpoint matches that held by 99% of the women out there. However, the 1% (Or whatever the percentage is) who are slaves understand completely.
I wrote in past it is often best to not mention one’s choice of entering into BDSM. Sadly, it is something that is still misunderstood. This is especially true for anyone who is involved in the M/s aspect of this life. That is the reason why I wrote An Owned Life, in an effort to clear up some misconception. Nevertheless, there is still a stigma that is applied to those who live this way.