November 15, 2011

Being Fit...Very Impactful

The Internet has done a wonderful job promoting the imagery associated with the BDSM lifestyle. While much of it is fantasy based, it is safe to say that sites like captured the imagination of many people. The idea of being part of a dungeon scene, for example, is attractive to many people. Concepts such as these are developed with the intention of grabbing people in this manner. Of course, most of these sites want to sell their videos but, nonetheless, the impression is made.

Physical Imagery

BDSM videos contain a great deal of imagery. I am a believer that this is one of the reasons why they sell so well. People are seeking the fantasy in their lives. At the same time, I also believe that what goes on in our heads can also be achieved in our lives. Thus, people can carry out many different aspects of the BDSM scenes they see in movies. The only caveat is that safety needs consideration at all times.

I see so many online who are simply out of shape. Why is this important? My view is that the imagery that attracts us online will also be helpful in a relationship. In other words, people respond to what they see and the more one can mirror the image in one's mind, the more effective he or she will be.

There are a lot of dominants out there who are physically weak. They have bodies that were created by Dunkin Donuts as opposed to Gold's Gym. Their level of exercise is none. Instead of taking care of themselves, they sit on the couch and stuff their faces. Yet, these same people claim to be in control. How can that be if one cannot even control what he or she eats? Of course, I will issue the disclaimer so as not to offend those who do have medical conditions which prevent weight loss. Anyone who fits into this category needs to follow the proper medical care. However, since reports have the obesity rate reaching the majority of adults, I find it hard to believe all of them suffer from this condition.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason why I feel it necessary for a dominant to be mindful of his/her body is because of the assumption of the position of power. In all honesty, do you think a submissive will respond more to one who is visually built like a Greek God or one who is 150 pounds overweight? In terms of the imagery, he or she will respond to the one who is better built.

Now, that is not to say that all of us can get a chiseled body. Nevertheless, almost all of us can do those things which will improve our physical appearance. Walking will take off a few pounds while increasing our cardio ability. This improves endurance during a BDSM scene. In all, it makes the experience more pleasurable for a submissive.

At the same time, it is equally as important for a submissive to approach things in the same manner. Getting back to the videos, how many of them do you see with women being suspended who are really overweight? The answer is very few. Again, the image presented is an ideal that we all can strive for.

The health benefits of being in shape are too numerous to list here. However, the point is that one who takes the time to get him or herself in better physical condition will be more effective in the search for others. Also, the pride in taking care of oneself, whether dominant or submissive, shows that you are a person worthy for one to get involved with. The impact that one has with a finely tuned body is outstanding. Consider this the next time you put on that leather vest. Imagine how your sub/slave will respond if it covers a barrel chest and tight abs.

Emotional Control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person's behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always "calm, cool, and collected". We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually "walking on eggshells". This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

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November 11, 2011

Protecting Oneself

Safety is something that everyone needs to be concerned about. It is the number one priority that each person, whether submissive or dominant, needs to have in their life. BDSM contains some dangerous aspects. Couple that with the fact that the online world is full of vultures and one soon realizes how easy it is to put oneself in a difficult situation.


It is sad to say but some people are simply crazy. This might seem like an over-reaching statement but it is something that I find completely true. While most online people might not be ready for the sanitarium, they definitely exhibit behavior that is neurotic.

I recently read an online post by an individual who mentioned his play date. In it he discussed how himself and the other individual chatted online and agreed to meet for a weekend together. He drove up and dominated this individual. After spending some in person time together this individual stated that perhaps they weren't compatible, and while they had fun, it was best to leave it at that. Evidently the other person was understanding and compliant with this. It seemed everything ended on a good note.

Here is where things get wacky. A couple of days later this individual received an angry email from the other one mentioning how badly he hurt him. To further the damage, he spread rumors around the site they met on and threatened to go to his work and expose him.

As you can see, this is a play date that went bad. Here is an individual who is evidently dealing with some mental issues. To go from an agreeable parting to vile anger in a couple of days shows something is amiss (of course we are presuming what the poster is relating is accurate-but for example sake it works). This is a person who is emotionally unstable in some capacity.

Safety On All Levels

Safety is often only mentioned in the physical sense. Many write about how to properly hold a scene and ways to engage in risky behavior while preventing injury. These are worthwhile tips and all of them should be followed. Nevertheless, there are many other ways that one needs to protect him or herself.

I find that submissive people are in a quandary regarding safety because it goes counteractive to the goal that is sought. A submissive person aims to give control over to another. This puts him/her in an extremely vulnerable position. In effect, the safety of this person becomes of the responsibility of the dominant. While this is rightly so, many will not uphold this responsibility which can cause tremendous damage.

Therefore, it is the onus of a submissive to protect him/herself from harm. This is counter intuitive to the submission process but a vital step until all facts are brought into the open. Many are too quick to entrust someone who is ill-equipped to handle the responsibility. Therefore, one needs to ensure safety and cede that trust slowly. A BDSM relationship is not a sprint as much as a marathon. Moving forward at an unacceptable pace is what causes injury (or worse).

It Starts With You

One of the levels where safety is paramount is psychologically. As a dominant, one needs to be ever mindful of the state of the person that he/she is dealing with. Some simply are not mentally equipped to deal with some of the things we do in the BDSM world. For whatever reason, they have not dealt with some past issues which will preclude safely moving forward.

Of course, this brings up the question: are you one of those people? This is where the onset of preparation begins. One protects oneself by tending to those mental/psychological issues that stem from past events. For example, if you had sexual or physical abuse in the past, be sure you received the proper therapy or counseling so that these events do not enter into any future endeavors. Those who fail to do this tend to have flashbacks and other occurrences which create harm. While a dominant should look for signs that point to this type of behavior, one cannot be sure that this person will be able to safely navigate this troublesome area. Ergo, it is best to handle the situation oneself and remove the potential pitfall.

The same concept applies to a BDSM scene. I always suggest only playing with someone you know and has the ability to safely engage in whatever activity you are proposing. Many have been injured (or killed) because a scene went awry. While it is the dominants responsibility, again, this is something that cannot be counted on. A submissive should remove him/herself (or use the safe word) as soon as something appears amiss. Personal protection is the only way to go.

Does this mean that you, as a submissive, will never enjoy the freedom of turning it all over to another? The answer is no. Trust is something that needs to be earned. Knowing the ability firsthand of who you are dealing with takes time. Through your interaction together, you will see how much he/she applies some of the concepts we discuss here. If the person behaves in a manner that is safe and sane, one is apt to give over more. This is the natural process that takes place. Through the feeling of comfort and safety, a submissive can free him/herself of much of the burden. However, I cannot stress enough that this is something that has to occur only after a great deal of talking, interacting, and personal experience with one another. It is not something that can be shortcut.

Remember, your well being is at stake.

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