Being Fit...Very Impactful

The Internet has done a wonderful job promoting the imagery associated with the BDSM lifestyle. While much of it is fantasy based, it is safe to say that sites like kink.com captured the imagination of many people. The idea of being part of a dungeon scene, for example, is attractive to many people. Concepts such as these are developed with the intention of grabbing people in this manner. Of course, most of these sites want to sell their videos but, nonetheless, the impression is made.

Physical Imagery

BDSM videos contain a great deal of imagery. I am a believer that this is one of the reasons why they sell so well. People are seeking the fantasy in their lives. At the same time, I also believe that what goes on in our heads can also be achieved in our lives. Thus, people can carry out many different aspects of the BDSM scenes they see in movies. The only caveat is that safety needs consideration at all times.

I see so many online who are simply out of shape. Why is this important? My view is that the imagery that attracts us online will also be helpful in a relationship. In other words, people respond to what they see and the more one can mirror the image in one's mind, the more effective he or she will be.

There are a lot of dominants out there who are physically weak. They have bodies that were created by Dunkin Donuts as opposed to Gold's Gym. Their level of exercise is none. Instead of taking care of themselves, they sit on the couch and stuff their faces. Yet, these same people claim to be in control. How can that be if one cannot even control what he or she eats? Of course, I will issue the disclaimer so as not to offend those who do have medical conditions which prevent weight loss. Anyone who fits into this category needs to follow the proper medical care. However, since reports have the obesity rate reaching the majority of adults, I find it hard to believe all of them suffer from this condition.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason why I feel it necessary for a dominant to be mindful of his/her body is because of the assumption of the position of power. In all honesty, do you think a submissive will respond more to one who is visually built like a Greek God or one who is 150 pounds overweight? In terms of the imagery, he or she will respond to the one who is better built.

Now, that is not to say that all of us can get a chiseled body. Nevertheless, almost all of us can do those things which will improve our physical appearance. Walking will take off a few pounds while increasing our cardio ability. This improves endurance during a BDSM scene. In all, it makes the experience more pleasurable for a submissive.

At the same time, it is equally as important for a submissive to approach things in the same manner. Getting back to the videos, how many of them do you see with women being suspended who are really overweight? The answer is very few. Again, the image presented is an ideal that we all can strive for.

The health benefits of being in shape are too numerous to list here. However, the point is that one who takes the time to get him or herself in better physical condition will be more effective in the search for others. Also, the pride in taking care of oneself, whether dominant or submissive, shows that you are a person worthy for one to get involved with. The impact that one has with a finely tuned body is outstanding. Consider this the next time you put on that leather vest. Imagine how your sub/slave will respond if it covers a barrel chest and tight abs.

Emotional Control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person's behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always "calm, cool, and collected". We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually "walking on eggshells". This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

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The Depth of BDSM

Sebastian Junger wrote a book called War detailing his experiences in Afghanistan with a platoon of 30 men. What struck this man is that, upon returning home, the soldiers miss the field even those it was "the worst possible experience". Many people seem to conclude that people of this ilk are adrenaline junkies who are addicted to the 'high'. The truth is they miss the brotherhood.

Many who have served and saw combat will refer to the camaraderie that developed between the other members of the platoon. Even people who did not particularly like each other, soon forgot their differences when the enemy was in front of them. The truth is that each person knows that his life depends upon everyone else. Nobody exists on a solo platform there. To come back alive, it takes participation of everyone.

The Depth

Can you imagine the depth of these relationships? While I am certain it is spoken about, the feeling is definitely there in the short term. Perhaps it is something that exits a person once he or she returns to the safety of home. However, while in the depths of the battleground, the bond between these people is unshakable.

How does any of this pertain to BDSM? The reason why I mention it is because it is my experience that this is what happens in many BDSM relationships, especially those who are built around the extreme exchange of power. Once an individual truly has the life of another in his/her hands, then that takes the relationship to a deeper level.

My opinion is that BDSM relationships ultimately, when allowed to develop over time, will strike at a much deeper level than a traditional one. The power exchange component is something that is powerful in nature. While it creates an atmosphere of dependence on the part of the submissive one, it also causes him or her to focus attention solely on the needs of the other. This is something that will instantly separate one from the traditional idea.

Love

Many people ask me if one will love a slave. Certainly, I do not speak for every relationship out there and there are many foundations upon which they are built. However, in the vast majority of the situations I was privy to, I do believe that a form of 'love' was present. Now I will state that this is an emotion that I feel differs from the traditional love that exists between spouses. While this can be present, I sensed again that it is something deeper.

Those who study any of the Far Eastern philosophies knows about the Chakras. Using them as examples, I will state that the common belief is that love is located at the heart. This makes sense and many things in our Western culture reflect this idea. At the same time, there are many who proclaim matters of the heart are more powerful than intellectual (i.e. mind) ones because the heart is located deeper in the body. Are you with me so far?

Using this logic, the belief continues to the concept of the 'gut'. It should not surprise anyone that this area is located precisely where all those extra beers reside. For those who do over indulge on a regular basis, then you will not have a problem pinpointing this part of your body. And, since this is lower than the heart, we are taught to 'listen to our guts'.

Therefore, intellect resides in our mind, love in the heart, and instinct in the gut. Traditional relationships operate on the love level (once they get past the sexual stage which is located....well you can venture a guess at that one). This is the creme-de-la-creme. All those people who are deeply in love with their significant other has a deep heartfelt connection. Their love is true.

Domination/Submission

Which brings me to my final lesson. Where does domination and submission reside? At what level do people operate when one enters into a BDSM relationship? Is it the heart, mind, or instinct level? Certainly, there has to be a place for it.

My belief is that power exchange relationships are more powerful simply for the fact that they strike a chord that is lower in one's body. Using the chakra idea, the location of one's domination or submission is at his/her core. And to me, I find that this is located right below the navel at the level of the pubic hair line. This is why I feel that many newer people are overwhelmed with sexual feelings once entering the BDSM lifestyle. If you notice where it is located on the body, it is easy to see why one would misinterpret what is being felt.

Therefore, when one has his/her domination or submission fulfilled, that is a lot more powerful than love. Just like there is power in the heart, I feel there is more that emanates from the 'pubic chakra' (for lack of a better word). We see how the heart is stronger than the mind and the instinct overrides the heart. Using this same philosophy, the fulfillment of domination and submission is equally overpowering. This is what creates the incredible depth.

Multiplies Everything

Obviously we know there are certain qualities that are present in every healthy relationship. Things such as honesty, trust, candor, and compassion are often mentioned. And rightly so. A healthy relationship will have all of these things and more. However, I found that the depths of a BDSM relationship, specifically M/s, multiplies these qualities also moving them to a greater level.

Let us use trust as an example. In my situation, my slave has access to my financial affairs. She utilizes my debit card when she does the shopping for the house. I trust her to spend wisely within the parameters I established and not exceed it. Anything that she desires or needs outside of that is requested for. That is how it works.

You might reply, 'Big Deal. Most married couples are like that.' Well it trust takes on an added twist when you recognize that she is dependent upon me for everything including life's basic necessities. It is my responsibility to feed and clothe her. Her entire paycheck becomes mine. This requires a substantial amount of trust that I will not only provide for her but also that I will not waste it. There are many who are financially illiterate. She needs to trust me that she will be taken care of in all instances.

Obviously this example does not do justice to the feelings that I am mentioning. Some things are outside the bounds of our vocabulary. Thousands of writers have tried to articulate the essence of love without sufficiency. This falls into a similar category. Whatever emotional power love contains, the feelings associated with true domination and submission is proportionately more powerful. To find this out, ask anyone who was in a long term M/s relationship. They will often point to the depth of the feelings and the emotional connection to another person.

I will close by stating that I feel I have the same connection to my slave as the men in combat do to their peers. This journey is one that I am not walking alone. For me to dominate, I need someone who is submissive. And for her submission to be fulfilled, she needs a dominant. However, unlike battle, this is something that continues ongoing. That is the depth of BDSM.

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There Will Be Nobody Else

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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Abuse Within The Lifestyle

I am appalled at how many actually believe that the BDSM world is a forum where one is free to abuse another. This is absolutely insane. Under no circumstances is the abuse of one who is under your control acceptable. I am a believer that if you do that, I ought to get to spend a couple of hours with you under my control. And trust me when I tell you that I know some pretty good torture techniques.

Domination

Much of this blog is spent writing about ways to identify the pretenders versus the real lifestyle people. The online community makes it more difficult simply because it is open to everyone with an internet connection. Nevertheless, I spell out what domination is about and what it is not. Those who focus on the physical/sexual are proving themselves to be nothing more than pretenders. Their actions exhibit the simple fact that they have no clue what it takes to be a Dom, let alone, Master.

Domination is not something that one can pretend to excel at. There is no way to fake it unless you are dealing with someone who is completely ignorant of what this lifestyle is all about. Of course, there are thousands of 'subbies' running around who fit that bill. They are the ones who are apt to fall for the crap that these supposed 'doms' spew. Ultimately, the submissive one ends up getting hurt, it is only a matter to what degree. Some are simply heartbroken while others have the living snot beat out of them.

If domination (or Mastery) was about physical intimidation then every battering redneck would be considered a Master. The truth is abuse is abuse. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle does not mean that one has a license to engage in such behavior (or take it). People who are under this misconception should be exposed at every turn. There should be no tolerance for abusive behavior. Being abusive does not equate to being dominant. Imprint this firmly in your mind.

Mastery/Slavery

This idea takes on a different meaning when one is involved in the TPE aspect of the lifestyle. Many seem to think that a slave is property (which she is) and, thus, needs to endure whatever is done to her. Again, this is a misconception of epic proportions. We engage in a consensual lifestyle. That means that we each volunteer for what we are involved in. A slave goes to a Master seeking domination, not abusive. Hell, many that I interacted with who are new seem to have that one covered in their life. They didn't need to come to the BDSM world to get slapped around.

Any 'Master' who believes he can abuse a slave physically is a candidate for arrest. It is that simple. I do not care if he is your 'true one'. If he is violent and emotionally out of control, call the cops. This is a concept that most believe foreign. How can a slave call the police on her Master? Simple. She just dials 911 (or 999 UK). There is no great mystery. After that, she does what she has to do to get away from that person.

Some are shocked by this outlook. Here is the reasoning. I could care less how long one is professing to be in the lifestyle, if he is abusive he is not a Master. And, if you are a slave, you need a Master not a nitwit. Thus, you are wasting your time by remaining with someone so boldly unqualified to own you. Contrary to your hopes and optimism, things will not get better.

An Inward Journey

Being a Master is an inward journey. Too many feel the way to become a Master is to get a slave and 'practice' on her. Wrong again Chico. The path to Mastery starts be identifying those qualities within yourself that will enable you to take control (and responsibility) for another. One major component in my experience is for one to seek emotional mastery. Those who cannot control themselves in this manner have no business being involved in an M/s relationship. Certainly, there are times we all lose our cool. However, there is a big difference between getting a bit upset over a circumstance and becoming a batterer. People of the later design belong in jail.

Domination is done with the mind. To do this, one needs to penetrate someone at a deep level. Making your point with your fists is not the way to go about that. Instead, that is proving your inability to truly dominate another. Anyone can use fear as a tactic. The challenge is to use of other methods which get better results. Only one who delves deep within himself can understand the qualities it takes to operate in this manner. The pretenders use fear since it is an easy tactic. Masters use mental and psychological control. The first abuse; the second dominate.

Intention

What constitutes about? Quite simply it is the intention. Obviously many of the vanilla believe all of what we do is abusive. The truth is that punishment handed down in an effort to alter a particular behavior is not abusive. Of course, the punishment needs to fit the crime as they say. If one goes overboard with every little transgression, that is also another for of abuse. A true Dom/Master will know where that line exists.

Much of our play involved paddles, needles, whips, chains, and rope. The truth is that many enjoy this aspect and crave the pain. Other do not. It is a dominant's responsibility to find the limits of each individual that he deals with. Again, since there is consent, it is not abusive.

We have a saying: safe, sane, consensual. While there might be some debate about the full merits of this concept, there is no doubt that this expels the notion of abuse being acceptable. If you are one who wants to batter, or feels that it is appropriate to batter a slave, then you need to learn this valuable lesson. And, if you are a slave who is suffering at the hands of an asshole like this, then I suggest you have the police on your speed dial. DO NOT HESITATE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Just because you are a slave that does not mean you have to be subject to this behavior. And if you find someone who feels you do, please send them my way.

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Growth: Is It Happening

Growth is something that I write about frequently because I am a believer that is the basis of all we do, both as individuals and a couple. Every situation offers an opportunity to learn. Growth is the result of stringing a series of learning opportunities together over time.

Mistakes

People try to shy away from mistakes. It is our natural tendency to want to be right. Our egos cry out against the concept of 'being wrong'. However, this is an outlook which robs someone of valuable resources for growth. Mistakes are our best teacher. We learn more from a single mistake than we could from volumes of books. For example, there are hundreds of thousands of books written about investing. One could choose a multitude on the same investment style. Nevertheless, there is more knowledge gained from the loss of $1,000 on a trade than can be garnered from 10 textbooks. Real live mistakes is where the education is .

It is time we embrace our mistakes and actively seek them. The only people who do not make mistakes are those who do not try anything. These are the ones who never grow or develop. At the same time, there is a group of people who are always trying new things. The education/knowledge level of these individuals is immense since they tend to make a great many mistakes. Remember, the most successful people usually made the most mistakes.

BDSM Relationships

For whatever reason, many seem to think that sub/slaves ought never make a mistake. I witnessed the belief that mistakes are worthy of punishment. Certainly, there are times when punishments are required for growth. However, a simply mistake is not one of them in my opinion. That being said, I will state the same mistake made repeatedly is worthy of consideration for punishment. When one continually does the same thing when shown not to, that most often shows disobedience.

Which brings up a larger question: what happens when one is trying but repeatedly makes the same mistake? In my opinion, this is not a situation where obedience is involved but, rather, incapability. There are certain things that one is simply incapable of doing. For example, you could put a gun to my head and tell me to dunk a basketball; it is not going to happen. That is something that I am completely incapable of achieving. I am not being disobedient since I will put forth all effort to dunk the basketball. However, my natural limitations enter the picture.

So, what happens in this situation? Here is where one needs to decide if he/she is being unreasonable with the another. Some are simply incapable. To expect one to be otherwise is unfair, inane, and useless. If one has the desire yet still falls short, that is an indication of this person's limitation.

Lack of Growth

What if this extents to an overall lack of growth? Who does the responsibility fall upon in a BDSM relationship? I will start by stating that the makeup of the relationship has a big part in this answer. A D/s situation is radically different from M/s. I would say that more of the responsibility falls to the submissive one in D/s whereas the Master is in control in M/s. If one is not growing, determining who is at fault is important because that is the person who needs to take corrective action.

If growth is not happening, I will state that the relationship is heading towards disaster. I do not believe long term relationships last without this vital component. When a sub/slave is stagnating, that has the potential to drag the entire relationship down. A Dom/Master needs to get to the bottom of it is he/she wants to have it survive.

Once again, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of growth. You would be surprised how many simply are not. I would say that most people are 'trained' in the art of stagnation. This seems to be a societal condition bred by the mainstream dogma. (Consider how many people think that education ends upon graduation as an example). Few actively seek out daily and weekly improvement in their skills and abilities. Playing the percentages leads me to believe that subs/slaves overwhelmingly arent naturally into this. Therefore, a Dom/Master is responsible for pushing one to put forth the effort for growth.

In conclusion, I simply believe that if one is not growing, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of it or not. If the answer is negative, release is warranted. However, if the submissive one is able but was not given the guidance, that falls upon the one who has the control. In this instance, he or she needs to consider what is lacking and route a different path. This is part of the responsibility of being in charge.

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The Submissive Mindset

Today I am going to cover something that is crucial to success in a BDSM relationship. There are so many I encounter who want to profess to be submissive yet their actions go counter to this idea. Why is this? Are these people misleading? Do they really have a concept of what is going on? I feel the mindset tells the entire story.

It All Starts In The Head

The mind controls our lives. Whatever you want to experience, it all starts with an idea in our minds. All great accomplishments were at one time nothing more than thoughts. And, how we view the world is in direct relation to the way we think. You can research this idea by following countless authors on this subject. The bottom line is that our minds control what we do.

Being submissive is something that comes from within. Many relate to me how they felt when they first realized their submissiveness. It is a concept that came from deep within and finally hit the mind. This can take some time since my regular readers know I believe that the social conditioning of society goes contrary to this idea. We are taught to dominate and control. Giving power to another is thought of as a sign of weakness. Nevertheless, those who truly understand this way of life know different. Submissiveness is not equal to weakness.

Service is at the core of submission. When one turns power over, he or she is interested in serving that person. This mindset permeates in all his/her affairs. A person of this nature if a caregiver of sorts always looking for ways to be helpful.

Other Focused

Here is the biggest factor in the mindset of a submissive. It is my experience that a true sub/slave has a natural focus that is centered on others. This is something that comes natural to him or her. Compare this with the common self-centered focus. One who attempts to serve while being self focused is going to have issues.

There are many who are natural caregivers. Many researchers concluded that women are more naturally nurturing then men. This automatically makes a woman a better caregiver to children on average. Certainly there are exceptions but a case could be made in this regard.

We also see this mindset in certain professions. Many waiters/waitresses and nurses choose these fields for the opportunity to provide service to others. They want to contribute and help other people. Their work days are filled with focusing their efforts on the needs of other people.

Does this make everyone in those fields submissive? Of course not. The point I am making is that some have a natural mindset that puts the attention on another person. This is a powerful aspect for a successful sub/slave to have. Whenever one enters into a BDSM relationship where there is the exchange of power, focus shifts from the needs of the submissive to that of the dominant.

Selfishness

Selfishness is something that affects everyone from time-to-time. There is not a person in the world who will not think about him or herself periodically. It is a natural and not something to get upset with if you are a submissive in a relationship. We naturally think of how things are going to affect us. The self-preservation mechanism that is within all of us kicks in whenever we are uncertain. This does make one not qualified to serve.

That being said, there are many who approach this life with the stated idea of serving yet are overwrought with selfishness. Every action is played out from this core. These people will think of themselves first. Many times it is something the person is not conscious of but does occur. Ultimately, in my experience, this is a boundary that most cannot seem to overcome.

BDSM success, like most relationships, hinge on the little things. What makes one a good slave can be isolated to the small actions taken on a daily basis. Does she automatically offer you another drink when your glass is empty? Will she ensure that your food is prepared before making her own? Who's clothing does she set out first? These little actions will not make or break a relationship in and of themselves. Nevertheless, they do show where one's mind is most of the time. The one who is doing these things shows herself to be one who focuses upon the needs of the Dom/Master first. And, the reverse is also true.

Be mindful of the concept discussed here. This is a true barometer that you can apply in judging what type of sub/slave one will be. I found it is not something that can be faked.

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Determine Where You Fit In

The title of this is "decide what you want". This is an important process that few consider when entering this way of life. Too many simply read a few articles online and say that they are a dominant or submissive. However, they fail to realize there is a whole lot more to the process than this.

There Is A Wide Spectrum

If we compare the BDSM life to a football field, we see the line between dominant and submissive as the 50 yard line. Figuring out whether one is on the right or left hand side of this line is the easy part. Nevertheless, just like a football field, there is a lot of real estate between there and the end zone.

People who are into light BDSM dwell near mid-field. Those who like the more extreme aspects of the life tend to reside near the goal line. Every step of the way there are people who are located at different intervals. Each person within this life needs to realize there there is a wide spectrum to choose from. It is up to the individual to decide what he or she wants.

Decide Before Getting Involved

I often write that dedication to lifestyle precedes getting involved with another person. Many approach this life in exactly the opposite way. They believe they will learn about the life by getting a Dom or sub who will help them to decide if they like this life or not. To me, this is like getting married before determining whether one is heterosexual or not. Not exactly a sensible approach to a lifelong decision.

We all like different things. The BDSM world offers so much variety that one should look at what he or she wants. If one is dominant, that is only the start. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want to be involved in a 24/7 relationship and assume full responsibility for the relationship? Or are you one who only wants your BDSM domination to pertain to sexual matters? The reverse is true for submissive types. Deciding these factors are crucial to having a successful BDSM relationship.

I find that the thing most overlook is the thought-process of deciding what he or she offers another person. I see so many post online something to the effect "Master looking for slave in city XYZ". Big deal. What is it that you are offering this person in return for his/her submission? Are you one who is capable of managing another person's life? Do you have the emotional stability to be in a relationship of this magnitude? Many think they can operate near the goal line only to realize they belong closer to mid-field.

Another aspect of the mental process one needs to undergo is to compare you personality with choices. For example, there are many who are seeking an extreme, hardass Master or Mistress. If you are a dominant, is this conducive to your personality. Some are naturally harder than others. At the same time, there are many who want someone who is more understanding. This person will not gel with the aforementioned sub. Knowing the type of person you are will narrow down those you will want to interact with in an effort to isolate the grouping that you are desiring. Again, knowing this beforehand will assist you in this process.

Revelations After The Fact

Naturally, this is not to say that people will uncover all there is before opting to move forward with a BDSM relationship. My belief is that a major part of any relationship is growth. People who are involved with each other in this lifestyle should be consistently improving. I do not believe that a relationship that is not growing is destined to last long. People need to spread their wings while taking on new challenges. Within the life, that means experimenting and trying different things.

On aspect that immediately comes to mind is expanding the limits of a slave. A true Master (or any dominant) will seek to expand the limits of the person who is under his or her control. As one goes along this path, he or she will discover things that are liked, and disliked. Perhaps one was closed minded initially to certain fetishes which are desired after experiencing them in real time. The revelation comes from the trying.

Over time, one will see where he or she fits into this life. Some are destined to be Masters while others Doms. There are those who are created to live as slaves while others remain subs. A few tend to go to the extreme while engaging in wild fetishes that few ever embark upon. Most dabble in many different aspects periodically for the pure enjoyment it brings. Finally, many will do things that fulfills their sadistic or masochistic streaks.

Commitment

If one is committed to this way of life, he or she will undergo the necessary self appraisal needed to grow and expand. That is the difference between those who want to "stick their toes in the water" and those who truly want to live this life. Commitment makes all the difference in the world.

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Poly And BDSM

As I travel around the web, I am struck by all the people who are poly. Every where I turn, there is another individual or couple who is part of a poly relationship (household) and seeking to add another. Without any scientific data, I can only estimate the percentage of people in this lifestyle who are poly.

The Stats Do Not Match

Poly relationships are not exclusive to the BDSM community.  In fact, as you will see, most of the exist outside this world.  The vast percentage of true poly relationships reside in the traditional realm of society.  For these people, the lifestyle choice is not based upon sex or control.  Rather, it is a matter of the heart.

Estimates are weak in terms of the numbers or percentage of the population that truly is poly.  I heard claims that there are somewhere around 500,000 people in polyamorous relationships in the United States.  This number, according to some, is low when you consider the conditioning and promotion of monogamy by society at large.  How many more would embrace the poly life if our culture promoted it as an acceptable alternative?  Some claim that this number might reach 10% of the populous.

How does this compare to the BDSM community?  Based upon my informal survey on the internet, I think there are somewhere around 50% of the people who are seeking to live in some type of poly situation.  Compare this with a 10% number if society promoted poly as a reasonable alternative and one is left to conclude that something does not add up.

My belief is that either people who are involved in BDSM are a great deal more open minded about matters concerning the heart or there is something misleading about the statements people are making.  I make this claim because the numbers do not add up when compared to reasonable statistics in general.

Polysexual vs. Polyamorous

Poly is something that is easy to understand.  It simply means "more than one".  The question is more than one what?  Here we need to have a further understanding about the terms we are using.  Part of the statistical problem mentioned is because people are dealing with two definitions.

Polysexual means having sex with more than one person.  At the same time, polyamorous means being in love with more than one person.  Basically, when someone says they are poly, are they referring to sex or love?  That is where the big difference arises.

The polysexual community includes everyone who lives the open sexual lifestyle.  Swingers and porn stars fit into this category.  Their sexual escapades include numerous people (at least 2 others).  Sharing, swapping, and orgies are commonplace.  Bisexual encounters are also frequent.

Polyamorous people are those who focus more on the relationship aspect of things.  These are the ones who believe in love and commitment to more than one person.  While they may embark on the open sexual lifestyle, that is actually a rarity.  These people tend to have sex as a secondary issue.  Traditional arenas for polyamory is the Muslim and Mormon faiths.   Here a man (since the are male dominated disciplines) can have more than one wife.  The male is poly with monogamous wives.  Love is at the core of each of the relationships.

Poly and BDSM

This brings us to the BDSM community.  So, are upwards towards 50% of these people poly?  The answer lies in the definition.  They might be polysexual but they arent polyamorous.  In fact, these individuals are actually clueless about the poly lifestyle.  Their interest is in polysexual at best.

The classic example is a post where a M/s (or D/s, D/D) couple is looking to add another sub to their "poly" relationship.  What actually is occurring is that a Master is actually seeking to be a multi-slave owner.  He is not interested in creating a poly atmosphere.  The male wants two slaves while the female wants a sister and a bisexual lover.  That is what they are truly after.

In a true polyamorous situation, both relationships are given equal opportunity to grow.  One is not more important or given priority than the other.  Naturally, the second relationship trails the first in terms of familiarity and trust.  However, it also have the advantage of providing new energy (called NRE-New Relationship Energy) and excitement as compared to the first.  While the first person (slave in this example) has the knowledge of the Master, the second is given equal opportunity over time to become just as trusted.  Naturally, we do not see this in most of those offering poly BDSM relationships.

Alpha Slave

The alpha slave is a term used to describe the slave who is the head of a household in a multi-slave situation.  Traditionally, it was when there were a plethora of servants that one was placed in charge to make sure all tasks were completed to satisfaction.  This person was the de facto "Mother Hen".  It was her job to tend to all the other slaves while keeping them in line.  This freed the Master from the responsibility of discipline and micro mangement.

Many in the BDSM world claim they are being set up as alpha slaves.  They believe that their place is the incumbent slave entitles them to prestige over the newer person arriving.  This is bunk.  To start, in the M/s world, few have so many that they need an alpha slave.  Besides, who says the present slave has the ability to become a leader among slaves.  In fact, there is a chance the newer person is 10 times the slave the first one is.  She might be more obedient, knowledgeable, and talented.  Perhaps the second one is more qualified as the alpha slave.

Instead, the alpha slave is a method used for the first slave to keep her place between the newer one and the Master.   Typically, there is a long term relationship (possibly a marriage) in place when they go seeking another.  The first doesnt want to lose her status.  Anyone new is a threat.  In fact, there are many who state that if one is to go it is the new one.  Again, if it is true polyamory, one cannot make that assertion.  Each relationship exists on its own merit.  The success or failure of a slave depends upon her interaction with the Master, not on the other slave.  If one is to go, it is the one who doesnt meet the expectations established by the Master regardless of the number of years with him.

A Third Wheel

In the end, most of the people seeking poly are only interested in a third wheel.  As mentioned, the Master is interested in owning multiple slaves while the existing slave wants a sister.  The new person is nothing more than a third wheel to their arrangement.  She is there to perform tasks and enter into their sexual games.  That is all.  While this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement for anyone who is willing to enter it, one needs to be aware of what she is agreeing to.  To think that she is going to have an equal opportunity with the Master is foolhardy if this is the situation.  Most Masters are not polyamorous.  The existing relationship is the one that they will side with and not let go of.  The other slave, since she has no idea how to exist in a true poly situation, will eventually do things that will sabotage the newer relationship.  In the end, the new one is out since her relationship with the Master was never given a fair chance to develop.  She came in as and was always treated as a third wheel.  

The situation failed because it wasnt poly to begin with.  

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Limits

When I surf around the different BDSM websites that I like to visit, I see wide opinions concerning limits. I am amazed how a group of people with similar experiences have such a differing view on this topic. Today, I will attempt to clarify what I perceive as some misconceptions concerning limits.

No Limit Slave

This is an idea that I see referred to all the time. People typically will advertise themselves as a "no limit slave". Or, they will state that they are seeking a slave with no limits. While we are engaging in fantasy, let us dwell upon our Christmas lists in hopes that Santa and the Easter Bunny will show up with a bag full of kinky treats. It ain't going to happen.

The idea of a "No limit slave" is total fantasy. This person does not exist. We should all cease to mention and promote the concept. It only leads to misinformation and confusion. Newer people believe this is something that is attainable. Sadly, they mentally abuse themselves since they fall short of this ideal. In the end, the myth causes great destruction.

If anyone is taking exception to this at this point, I would have you consider what you would allow me to do to you (if you are a slave). You proclaim to be no limit. If that is the case, let me cut off your arms and beat you over the head with them. Someone who truly is no limit would not have a problem with the loss of limbs. As long as it fulfills the Master's desire, so the thinking goes, then it is appropriate.

Of course, many counter that this is not part of the philosophy of SAFE, sane, and consensual. Well, my argument is that, according to this mindset, I am free to do with as I wish to my property. Therefore, if I want to destroy it, thus reducing its value by cutting off limbs, that is within my right. A no limit slave would go along with this.

Therefore, everyone has limits.

Hard Limits

There are two types of limits that we encounter. The first are hard limits. This is an area that people often confuse with the second type of limit. A hard limit is basically something that one cannot do under any circumstance. Many of these limits are universal and fall under the category of commonly held practices. For example, with the exception of a few, most people have the involvement of children as a hard limit. This is a line they will not cross no matter who or what is directing them. I would say that 98%+ agree with this limit.

Another way hard limits arise is in terms of the psychological state of the individual. Many suffered horrific abuse that was not dealt with. In my book, An Owned Life, I relate the story of one who was sexually abused by her dad and his friends over the years. This was a situation that she never handled with the help of a professional therapist. For this reason, a blindfold was a hard limit for her since she flashbacked to the prior abuse. As long as she could see during the scene, she was fine. However, cover her eyes and her mind drifted. For this individual, a blindfold is a hard limit.

The bottom line with hard limits is that there needs to be a valid reason for the limit.

Soft Limits

This is the second kind of limit we encounter and is by far the most common. People's hard limits are often nothing more than soft limits. This is a limit that a Dom/Master should work on helping one overcome. The individual might think this is something that he/she would never do. However, it is a limit that is to be explored.

To quickly shed light on what falls in this category, I will mention the "Eeew that is gross" concept. I often hear people respond when something is mentioned. Guess what, just because you think it gross, does not make it a hard limit. Those who are in a total power exchange relationship know that their consent in this regard is not required. A gross activity is still something that can be engaged in. Dislike is not a valid reason to make something a hard limit.

Another way that a limit exists is because someone has not worked up to overcoming it. For example, many think that paddling is a hard limit for them. Yet, when trained by an experienced person who knows how to push a limit without causing harm, one realizes that their level of acceptance of pain will grow over time.

Soft limits exist but should diminish over time as trust and experience with a particular Master grows.

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Attitude Seeps Through

Many Masters are rather emphatic about what they will allow their slaves to say. While some allow slaves to speak freely many times, there are a portion out there who preclude this behavior. Instead, they prefer to have a slave keep her opinions to herself.

Disagreements

There are times in any relationship where disagreements are bound to raise. For whatever reason, many feel that a BDSM relationship, especially M/s, is exempt from this characteristic. Anyone who lived real time for even a few months knows this is not the truth. Over time, disagreements will arise. How they are handled determines the chance of success within this particular relationship.

It is impossible for a slave to like every directive that is given to her. There are times where a Master will assign a task which is met with resistance. This is human nature. The ones who have the right to express themselves can often voice their concern. However, the ones who are not allowed to respond in this way must suppress whatever thoughts are involved.

Attitude Cannot Be Hidden

I am not advocating either option in this post. People are responsible for designing their relationships as they see fit for those involved. There never is a way to cover all relationships with "one broad stroke". Certainly, there are pros and cons to each approach and choosing what works best for an individual(s) is optimum.

That being said, I can state that attitude is something that cannot be hidden. All that arises from deep within is bound to appear at the surface level. A slave, as all of us, has a tough time hiding her displeasure when put into a situation that she detests. While she might take the action that is instructed, her attitude will tell the true story.

As I mentioned in the last post, the problem with attitude is it often extends beyond the event that stimulates the response. We all experienced times where one thing upset us and we were still stewing about it hours later. How often has a single instance ruined your entire day? It is amazing how something that occurred 5 or 6 hours previous can still be affecting us. But it is the way many of us react.

My Experience

Whenever I push my slave to do something that she is against, our interaction ultimately suffers for an extended period of time. Resentment is a powerful vice. While I try to give her the freedom to express what is on her mind (in the proper manner), I will admit there are times when I simply do not want to hear what she has to say.

How do you think our day progresses? As you can guess, it does not go off very well. Whenever we get into this state, each person gets defensive thus creating a snowball effect. Ultimately, one of us will come to our senses and release whatever garbage is causing the rift.

***As a side note, I will mention that notice how I didn't state that I was the one who always comes to my senses. This is one of those times when reality is different from the online fantasy. There are instances when my slave is the more sensible one. Just because I am in the position of dominant, that does not mean that I am exempt from human characteristics. There are times when I am a total butthead. What can I say, perfection still eludes me.

The point is that attitude does seep through. On more than one occasion my slave mentioned that she would be better off just not saying anything. While she might be correct in the immediate term, I aptly point out to her that I know her well enough that I can read her emotions (not that it is difficult). She knows this is correct and understands that it only makes things more difficult. In the end, it is very difficult to hide one's attitude about certain things. As they say, the eyes do not lie.

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Missing Opportunities

Just when I think I have an understanding of how people are, I am amazed at the lengths people will go to keep their illusions alive. There was one who I chatted with the other day who literally made me shake my head. How can one not see what was right in front of her?

Long Distance Relationships

Everyone knows the difficulty in dealing with long distance relationships. This is not something that is exclusive to the BDSM community. Many have separation for their loved ones for reasons beyond their control. There are men and women fighting in distant lands fulfilling their military commitments while leaving behind lovers and children. At the same time, people are off in foreign lands working to provide an income for their families. These people can attest to the turmoil faced when trying to live with this separation. Sustaining a relationship is not easy.

Love is a part of many BDSM relationships. The feelings expereince with this life are the very same as those in the vanilla world. It is just as easy to be attached to a Master as it is a husband. In fact, it is not uncommon for Master/Dom and slave/sub to be married. Carrying on a BDSM relationship when there is separation is equally as difficult. The one left behind is responsible for handling all the household details. This can really be trying depending upon that person's position. A submissive is suddenly in charge of everything with the responsibility of making the decions which formerly the dominant one made. Simply, we see another layer of tension added to the equation.

The Online Dilemma

Many get involved in online relationships as their entry into this lifestyle. Without going into detail about the practicality of this or not, I will state this is instantly establishing a long distant relationship. The idea that one is starting out long distance makes the chances of success that much less. Many long term relationships succumb to the difficulties of distance even with a firm foundation in place. Adding the "factor" makes things remarkably more challenging.

That is not to say that many relationships did not get their start online and move into real time. However, the truth is that this medium allows for so much misinformation and misdirection. Scammers, con artists, and outright liars are plentiful. We see this in much of the spam we receive; offers of millions of dollars if we help the Prince of ABC country get out with the $35 million. In the end, there is no way of knowing whether someone is exactly what they proclaim.

Even if they are real, the problem arises in that one is instantly in a long distance situation. This is a situation that can be overcome with time and a willingness to relocate. However, I see so many who are "married" to the idea of one day being with this person that they completely overlook those who are geographically close. As I travel around the different BDSM dating sites, I often wonder how many of those who are "owned" are actually dealing with someone who is in the same zip code. The sad truth is that I believe most are involved in long distance online deals. While they are messing around with someone they probably will never meet, they are perhaps passing on potential opportunities right under their nose.

Taken To An Extreme

I encountered a situation that was taken to an extreme. Talk about someone who is holding out for a long shot. The situation was one where she was actually released since her "Master" was heading overseas. Evidently he had a dangerous job since there is no guarantee that he would survive (part of his reasoning for letting her go).

The woman who was left behind continually wonders why she has so much trouble finding someone to be with. She repeatedly talks about all the fakes she encounters. What this woman does not realize is that she cannot serve two Masters. She claims that her heart only belongs to him and she is hers if he ever returned. Obviously, her loyalty is something to be complimented. However, I would say that the fact that he let her go is his way of saying "move on".

What is the correct action for this woman? Naturally, I cannot answer that question. Each person is responsible for their own lives and doing what makes them happy. Perhaps remaining true to him is the best choice for her with a huge reward at the end. Certainly, if that is what gets her to the level of joy in her life, I hope it happens for her.

Nevertheless, what I can say is that most Doms/Masters seek to have loyalty and commitment from those who submit to them. The idea of one being "torn" will not sit well with most in my opinion. I can foresee many getting involved with her for play and to scene with. However, anyone who is seeking a relationship built around BDSM, especially M/s, is going to question her position. Loyalty cannot be divided. Therefore, this person's decision to have someone overseas "hold her heart" is causing her to miss opportunities here. Again, she might be making the absolute best choice. Then again, she might not be. I guess only time will tell on that matter.

Consider the full implications when you are dealing with someone from another part of the country (world). Ask yourself if there is something that you are giving up by committing to something that has a minimal chance of working out based upon the law of averages. Perhaps you might be better served waiting a little longer. Missed opportunities can be costly.

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Conversion of Spouse

As I always try to share from my experience, this post is going to take the perspective of a submissive who found this life and is interested in having a spouse join in. The reason I am doing this is because I have yet to come across the opposite where a dominant wants to approach the spouse about this way of life. That is not to say it does not exist, just that I never personally talked to anyone in that situation.

Most Start Vanilla

Because of the way society trains us to believe, most of us begin our relationship journeys pursuing the traditional model. This is what we know and are led to think is the path to happiness. Many of us follow this advice for years before we realize that it simply is not for us. Perhaps we went through a couple of marriages in addition to a host of other relationships. There are instances were children are a result of some of those relationships. These are all factors that need consideration when moving into this way of life.

Naturally, not all who come upon this lifestyle are unhappy with their present situation. Many people are in successful marriages when finding BDSM. However, they find that even though they are content with their partner, they desire a bit more. This is where some of the conflict begins to arise.

It is amazing how people suddenly get the desire to take their vanilla marriage and move it to a full blown BDSM relationship. Again, I am going from the submissive (mostly female) perspective and wanting to get her husband to be a Dom. I cannot tell you the number of people who told me they want their husband to take complete control. They ask "how can I get him to do that"? A better question is how do you make a pig sing?

Internal Tendencies

I am a believer that we all have internal tendencies towards either submission or domination. It is something that might be hidden from us, especially on the dominant side since society promotes against the idea. However, whenever we find an opportunity to engage in this behavior, our natural inclinations can take over. Now, please bear in mind that a natural tendency does not make one a Master or slave. Training is still a part of the process. Nevertheless, the desire is a starting point.

Getting back to the prospect of converting a vanilla person, I believe that most times it is a fruitless proposition. Typically, the spouse of the one who is doing the searching is perfectly happy with the dynamic of the relationship. Sure he might enjoy some kinkier play. But the thought of actually controlling all aspects of the relationship is not to his liking. Many get into relationships with the idea of having an equal partner to share all aspects of life with. Equality is not part of the BDSM life. This is a path that purposely opts for inequality.

Implementing BDSM

So how do you go about if this is the situation that you find yourself in. Well, I would say that you need to accept the fact that this is going to be a slow process in most instances. Some might take to this life instantly. However, I found most who are willing to move towards it do so at a paced manner.

The first thing that I would do is to start getting him reading about what aspects of the life interest you. See what his reaction is. Let him know what your desires are and how you would like to see him fulfill them. Like all things, communication is key. You have a better chance the more you are able to talk about things.

Another suggestion is to be prepared to back off after the initial introduction. It often is best to let an idea sit and ferment. As mentioned, few take to this immediately. There is a chance he will be more accommodating to things if it is presented slowly. Let him adjust. Going straight from vanilla to a full blown M/s relationship, as an example, is not likely to happen.

Some will find that there is a dominant desire dwelling within him. It is possible that this is natural for him even though society promoted the idea of equality. Nevertheless, this does not guarantee that he will be accepting of the change in his relationship. Many do like the equality that a vanilla relationship provides.

Ultimately, you might find that the bedroom activities are all that he is interested in exploring. This is a terrific starting place and probably where most people involved in BDSM reside. Of course, this brings up the question of whether this is enough for you or not. The ones I came across seem to want the total domination that M/s offers. Therefore, I can only conclude that this type of person is seeking a lot more than just being sexually controlled.

The bottom line is that not all people are cut out to live this way. Those who look for it are going after a yen that is within them.. Yet it is unfair to presume that everyone will like this. Be careful with trying to convert someone from the vanilla world. There is a better-than-average chance that he will not take to it. That is just my experience.

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The Absent Dom/Master

Today I am going to write about something which I have seen many discussions on. This can center around a variety of reasons but the end result is the same. How can one be controlled/dominanted in the absence of a Dom/Master? What if the sub/slave is responsible for making decisions in his/her absence? Is this person any less submissive?

The Realities of Life

As we exit the inane mindset of the online players who think that BDSM is all chocolates and roses, we see that BDSM is a choice that does not exempt us from the realities of life. There are certain responsibilities that each of us must fulfill no matter what path we choose to follow. Family, financial, and health are just some of the issues that require our attention.

For this reason, the idea of living "24/7" is a pipedream for most. Few Doms have the financial resources to financially support a sub/slave. We live in a two-income society. Entering into BDSM does not absolve us of facing this reality.

Separation will occur when people embark on their work day. In my situation, both myself and my slave have full time positions. She works for a company that maintains long hours, thus lengthening the time we are apart. This reality stinks but the money she brings in is necessary. It allows for me to move our life forward in other ways.

Many find themselves in the same position. In fact, there are some who are separated for extended periods of time. Many, such as traveling salespeople, are on the road for days on end. This creates a dilemma where the one left behind is responsible for maintaining the domicile. This is where conflicts often ensue.

If the one who is home is the Dominant, is he/she less so because the domestic duties need attention? Or, if the sub is left behind, is he/she less so since other obligations and decisions will fall to that person? These are dynamics that few online consider but is a reality for many in our lifestyle.

What is Domination and Submission

The above questions can only be answered, in my opinion, after one looks at what domination and submission truly is. Many believe it is an act. I do not. Instead, I think both are mindsets that one takes. When one submits, he or she is adopting the mindset that this person is in control. Thus, physical presence is not necessary. It is possible to maintain one's place in spite of physical separation as long as the mindset still exists that of who is truly in charge.

I am a believer that online domination/submission can occur. It is something I was part of and have witnessed numerous times. Of course, there are many who approach this with nothing more than the "role playing" outlook. These are not the ones I am referring to. The ones who exhibit this viewpoint are those who truly commit to the one in question. Therefore, their behavior models that as if the person was there physically. This is the important distinction.

The same is true for those who are involved with people who are absent for brief periods of time. It is crucial that both parties behave is as the other is there. While a dominant might be forced to do the dishes, he/she is aware that the submissive one would be doing it if present. The same is true for the submissive who is forced to handle household obligations. Isnt he or she fulfilling service by handling the dominants affairs such as bill paying, etc...? I believe that is another service at its finest.

As you can see, it is the mindset that makes all the difference. In my case, my slave answers to another during her working hours. This is part of her job and anyone who is working knows we all have people to answer to. It is another one of those realities of life. Therefore, while she is working, her service is given to another. However, she is actually serving me since she is earning money for my household. I was the one who chose to allow her to have a job and am the one reaping the benefits. The fact that she answers to a manager while there does not diminish either my domination or her submission. We both know this. During those hours, she knows that I am still the one in control of her.

Taken into Poly

This moves me into another area of discussion as it pertains to poly. Many seem to feel that establishing a household based upon the old plantation concept is the path to take. For many it is. However, I would caution jumping to this conclusion too quickly.

The overriding belief is that one is going to act as "Mother Hen" for all the other slaves. This was the structure for the olden households where many people were involved in making the house operate. One thing that I like to mention is that these situations were more businesses than personal affairs. Those who were acting in these capacities were paid hands. Or, in the case of slavery, were people who showed the ability to lead. However, the major difference between that and poly (polyamorous) is that there usually was not the emotional connection between the owner of the house, the Mother Hen, and the others under her direction. It was a situation where each was more of an employee.

Of course, there is always a place where an experienced one will assist in showing anyone new the "ropes". In this scenario, a senior slave will have insight into what is required. Sharing this information is vital since it will assist in the transition and make the Masters affairs that much simpler. Anyone who withholds this information from a new one is showing him/herself to be insecure and selfish, thus deserving of punishment. A slave's place is always to make a Master's life easier.

Someone needs to be in charge in his/her absence

This is a false belief that many have when looking at a poly BDSM situation. When the Master is away, someone needs to be in charge. Therefore, the mindset is the senior one should monitor the behavior of the others. If that is the case, then my question is 'who is monitoring the senior slave'? Since the Master is away, who is going to ensure that he/she behaves in a proper manner? The answer is that nobody is.

The truth is that a Master needs to be able to trust one to do the bidding while he/she is gone. This is equally true for a senior as well as a newer slave. The expectation that each will behave as if he/she was present is not unrealistic. Of course, failure by either is subject to the proper punishment. Thus, the idea that someone need to be in charge while the Master is away is foolhardy. The truth is that the Master is still running the show even if not present. The mindset of the slaves should not change simply because One is not there. If it does, then the level of submission ought to be explored. Remember, we are dealing with a mindset here that should not waver based upon circumstances. That is the key.

Absence changes nothing

In the end, absence changes nothing. One who decided to submit is still under the control of another even when that person is gone. Simply because certain responsibilities will fall to that person in the Dom/Master's absence does not diminish the mindset. The actions change out of necessity but the viewpoint remains the same. We also see how the reverse is true. I am still in charge even when I am not present because I expect my slave to behave as if I was there. Altering her mindset shows manipulation, deception, and a lack of commitment to me and this way of life. When she opted to live 24/7, it meant that her mindset was one that put me first and foremost. What she does to serve will change. However, she is still serving me.

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Slavery

I will start by stating that this post is going to tick some people off.  However, it is something I feel moved to write after encountering a few people who struck me as real.  They were the types who we all seek out when we enter this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, these people were experiencing the same frustration as most because of all the pretenders.

Slavery

Slavery is extreme!

This is something that is non-negotiable in my opinion.  Too many try to water down the concept to fit a variety of lifestyle choices.  To me, this is not what it is all about.  I see so many who want to remove the idea of Total Power Exchange (TPE) from the equation.  They want to term themselves "slaves" while retaining power over choices in life.  This is not what it is all about.

A slave is someone who opts to give all up to another.  It is that simple.  I do not know why such a basic idea got turned upside down.  But it did.  Somewhere along the way, people decided that this was going to be an all-encompassing term.  I disagree with this sentiment.

The choice of being a slave is something that only a few can actually live up to.  It is extreme in the sense of how one agrees to live his or her life.  I can attest that it is not for the weak.  It takes great strength, courage, and knowledge to be able to completely turn oneself over to another.  Those that do it deserve the utmost of respect.  At the same time, their lot in life should not be degraded by all those who want to "play slave".

Property

Anyone who opts to live as a slave is agreeing to be seen as property.  That is what a slave is.  It is one that is owned and used as the one in possession sees fit.  This is another idea that has been diluted over the years.  There are no rules when it comes to how one uses a particular item that is owned by him or her.

My sofa is a prime example.  I am free to do whatever I wish to is since I own it.  I can piss on it if I see fit.  Sleeping on it naked is my choice.  Masturbating and covering it with cumstains is an option I hold.  And, nobody else can say anything about how I use my sofa.  There is no right or wrong way for me to treat my possession.

A slave is the same way.  Anyone who truly wants to live this aspect oft he lifestyle should remember the extreme nature of this idea.  When one submits to another, he or she is agreeing to be on the same plane as anything else that particular Master owns.  Property is picked up and used based upon the desire of the owner.

The "Cherished" Slave

I cannot tell you how many I ran into who have the desire to be "cherished".  This is an idea that seems common among the Gorean types.  They are led to believe that their service and submission is something that a Master should hold in high regard.  In my opinion, this is nothing more than an attempt to put themselves on an ego-driven pedestal.  It is a method for him or her to dictate the treatment that will be received.

Here is a secret: the treatment received in a M/s relationship is solely at the discretion of the one in charge.  Just like I can do whatever I want to my sofa, the same holds true for my slave.  I treat that person with respect, indignation, or contempt.  All decisions reside with me and my concern is not how she will receive them.  Her service is a value to me and I get results that I like, but she is no more cherished than some of the other items that I own.

Thoughts/Feelings

This is something else that goes against our basic social conditioning.  A slave's thoughts or feelings are mostly irrelevant except when asked for.  There are times when I value my slave's input.  However, as for the way she receives the decisions that I make, that is a consideration that is not needed on my part.  She agreed to this when she submitted to me.

Again, this is another example of the extreme nature of this aspect of the lifestyle.  A slave is used for the benefit of the Master.  How he or she perceives the situation is immaterial.  They often get upset at the decisions that are made.  That is a part of the lifestyle.  Feelings are not facts and the central fact is that when one is owned, he or she is treated accordingly.

Harshness

The Master/slave dichotomy is a harsh one.  There are many times when a slave will be treated with respect.  However, there are others when she is on the end of a whim of the Master.  This could come in any for including anger, sexual, sadistic, and neurotic.  A Master might show compassion one minute while telling her to clean out the garage the next. 

This is a 24/7 way of life.  There are no holidays or days off.  One cannot earn vacation time.  A slave is expected to be on call every minute of everyday.  She forfeits the choice of establishing her own schedule or maintaining her friends.  All is given is only done so with the approval of the Master.  A slave cannot earn anything.  It is all granted to her by another.

I will tell you this way of life is too harsh for most.  They cannot handle the one-sidedness of all interaction.  Service is something that few actually consider and how literally the meaning is taken.  When you are in my service, you are completely under my domain.  I will utilize you how I see fit.  Most cannot handle this yet this is what being a slave is all about.  Sadly, those who are presently living this way are being disgraced by all the frauds online who simply sign up for a site and call themselves "slave".  

Remember this idea the next time you encounter someone who claims they are seeking to live 24/7 as a slave.  The odds are they are not equipped to live in this manner.  Only a small percentage have what it takes.

Next, I will write a post about what it takes to truly live as a Master. You will not be surprised to know that most who profess to be Masters are not.

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Attracting A Sub Online

I wrote this post on my social BDSM site and thought it appropriate to share with you all here. If you have comments, please click the link and comment on that page.

After reading the last few posts on here about the way many approach submissive types with the "I am Master hear me pout" routine, I figured I would relate my experience in getting the attention of another online.

To start, any sub/slave worth a crap need to know you have something to offer her (I will write from the male dominant perspective but applies equally in reverse). Just throwing your name with a capital and a loud bellowing do not cut it. You had better have something that she can latch onto in terms of things that you are able to do for her.

The best way to do this is to get involved with a site like this by posting your experience and ideas. This shows anyone who reads that you know what you are talking about (presumming that you do). Notice how I wrote the word 'experience'. Any fool can go cut and paste posts off a different website. A person who is looking wants to know that she is dealing with someone who has some idea what is actually going on.

I found that well written posts containing plenty of personal experience will draw attention of those who are seeking. There are many who visit a site like this but do not post. However, they do read...every single word. And they process all that is written. Putting yourself out there as someone who is knowledgable will get you noticed and contacted.

The next aspect is to be nice. The loud mouth assholes who are constantly being abrasive are not worthy of anyone's time. And they show themselves to be terrible dominants. This is because a true Dom is confident. One who is bellowing all the time is showing how he lack confidence and suffers from an inferiority complex. They need to intimidate to make themselves feel better.

I will give you an example. I once had a 'Master" in a chat room take exception that I didnt show him respect in front of the slaves in the room. He was getting quite upset because, from what I could tell, his entire worth was tied up in having these characters on a screen strung together to form words respect him. While he got angrier, I simply wrote that my respect is something earned and that, if he wanted it, he needed to show me he was worthy of it. Just saying he is a Master doesnt make it so.

***One side note here: In this case, he might have been a real Master; I had no way of knowing. However, I found that most Masters who live in real time do not get all caught up in having their position recognized. We know what we are when we wake up and when we go to bed. Having the 'respect' through online protocol is not necessary.

FInally, if you have no experience, be open about it. Tell people that you are here to learn. Read, comprehend, and process what is written. Keep posting to show your progession. We were all new once so that is no shame. There are many who are able to quickly become proficient by studying this lifestyle. However, a sub needs to know that you are moving forward and growing. Her trust will increase when she has that confidence. Showing yourself to be someone who is adept at learning is a helpful way to compensate for lack of experience.

BDSM centers around a relationship. When dealing with another, take the time to learn about her. What does she like and how does that compare to your beliefs. If you are a devote Muslim and she a Christian, there might be issues. Red Sox and Yankee fans tend not to get along with each other. Nor do Auburn and Alabama alumni. Sports enthusiasts can clash with artists. Dog lovers have issues with cat people. This is where basic human interaction comes into play. Approach her as a person and learn how she will fit into your life and vice versa. The submission/domination qualities will be revealed in your conversations.

In the future, if you get one of those stupid emails of "I am Master hear me show my insecurity", please reply with this link http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/pg/blog/dennisnajee/read/917410/how-to-garner-a-subs-interest-online

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