April 27, 2013

Privacy


We live in a world where personal privacy is being eliminated.  Unless you are one of those extreme people who is willing to move completely off the grid, odds are you suffer from less privacy today as compared to even 10 years ago.  Social media, online databases, and the speed flow of information means that your private "stuff" is out there.  It is a downside to the information age and one that we all need to adapt to.

Fringe Lifestyle

BDSM, even with the advent of 50 Shades, is still a fringe lifestyle.  No matter what many of us believe, the average mindset towards this way of life is that it goes counter to what is normal.  Remember, society promotes equality while BDSM is based upon the fundamental concept of power exchange.  Also, a topic such as slavery carries a great emotional toll with many.  The idea of consent means little.

We often lose sight of this fact especially if we interact with other lifestyle people.  People tend to fall into the habit of thinking that what they associate with is normal and the experience of others.  We see this clearly when the barometer is based upon socio-economic factors.  A rich California heiress cannot identify with a farmer from the Midwest.  They are of two totally different worlds.  Yet the Hollywood heiress thinks that her way of thinking is sound since everyone around her carries the same ideals.  The disconnect from others is based greatly on the environment.

The same thing occurs within this lifestyle.  While most of us have to operate with "normies" because of our jobs, the fact is, outside of work, we tend to gravitate towards those who think the same way we do.  Even our online interactions are with other BDSM people.  Hence, openly discussing our preferred lifestyle and different aspects of it is common.  Our mindset embraces it to the point that it is normal for us.  Yet is is imperative not to lose sight of the fact that few think this way.  To them, it is perverted and abusive.  Being less underground does not make it more mainstream.

There Are Consequences

Most adults know there are consequences for everything in life.  No matter what action you take, there is going to be an outcome.  Sometimes it is what we desire while others not.  This is the way life is.  However, there are factors which arise which can be viewed as unfair.  Nevertheless, another part of life is that often we are powerless to do anything about it.

The fact that your privacy is being eroded means that the risk is greater of being found out.  We have heard the stories of potential employers asking for a facebook username and password to further investigate the individual.  The courts, as far as I know, have upheld this practice.  Regardless of this, even without direct access, anyone can search social media to see what one is doing.  This is where many find themselves in trouble.

I recently read a post where a person (part of a couple) post a picture of himself on his profile page.  It was a BDSM site where him and his slave interacted with others.  To make a long story short, his employer was tipped off to it and soon became his ex-employer.  This person lost his job because of his lifestyle choice.  Actually, I correct that statement: this person lost his job because of his openly posting a pic in regards to his lifestyle choice.  The openness is what did him in.

Should this person be fired simply because he opts to live in a M/s relationship?  Of course my answer is an emphatic "no".  But I am not his employer.  Certainly, as it stands now, it is within his company's legal right to terminate him.  Fair or not, this is what happened.

It is easy to get caught up in the idea that we are going to proclaim from the highest mountain our lifestyle choice.  This is something that I always cautioned against.  The fact is others are not so open and accepting of our decisions.  Their prejudice leads them to believe there is something wrong with us.  This is a basic component that anyone who is open will encounter.  Therefore, it is best to be judicious with who we "expose" ourselves to.

Obviously, the fired individual never dreamed this could happen.  How many of us post pics of ourselves without a thought.  Yet, as this scenario shows, there can be consequences to that decision.  There is nothing one can do about it once it is out there.  Remember this idea when doing things online.  Act as if someone else is watching because there is.

DN  

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April 20, 2013

Domination Versus The Alpha Male


The Alpha Male is something that is often talked about in our society as one who is revered and respected.  This is the person who is the business leader.  He is also the one who scores all the hot women at the bar.  This person is one who exudes confidence while always portraying an image of control.  In short, women want him and other men want to be like him.  But is this really the case?

Fear Based

I am going to be make a lot of generalizations here so please resist the temptation to point to those who do not fit into the box I am referring to.

Many who are considered Alpha Males are really weak people.  Inside, they are overrun with fear.  Their demeanor is such that it appears they are confident when, in fact, they live their lives running.  There is always something at their core which is motivating them to excel.  While this is beneficial in some regards, it does not equate to domination.  True domination does not come from a place of fear.  Yet many of these Alpha Males do just that.

Being scared does not amount to being in control no matter how far down one pushes the fear.  We see, for example, many who financially successful people who grew up in extreme poverty.  The operate from a place of never wanting to suffer financial lack again.  They even take it to the point of being miserly.  Many will do all they can to safeguard against losing.  They worry about it continually and keep going forward because there is never enough.  Notice how the fear is in control.

Contrast this with someone who is truly dominant.  This person could have the desire to excel in the same manner as the Alpha Male.  However, he is not using fear as the motive.  While he might have the same desire not to return to poverty, he is not overly worried about his financial state.  He believes that he is in control of his success.  His confidence tells him that if things did go bad, he would rebound.  A true dominant is aware that he is to control himself first and foremost which allows him to take control of life situations.  The Alpha Male is often presenting an image which falters when challenge by life.

Domination cannot come from a place of fear.  Within the confines of BDSM, anyone who does this becomes abusive.  Any moron can control with fear if he is boisterous enough and uses his physical size to intimidate.  However, this is not domination.  I hope you know the difference.

Demeanor

Another area we see a contrast is in how one interacts.  The Alpha Male is usually the center of attention.  He is a person that everyone wants to talk with.  No matter what the event, he will attract the eyes of all in the room.  His portrays confidence while being comfortable in social situations.  This person is the epitome of being an extrovert. 

As was shown above, much of this facade is understood when one looks behind what is presented and sees the core.  Again, oftentimes, this person is run by fear.  He is the center of attention because he needs it.  In other words, a person of this ilk operates with a fragile self esteem.  He is not comfortable if people are not fawning all over him because that reflects upon his worth.  Instead, he concentrates his efforts on everyone liking him so that it appeases his inner child.

When we compare this with the dominant we find an entirely different animal.  Many dominants are introverts.  They do not require attention from others; in fact many prefer not to have it.  A person of this nature is content being alone.  He does not require the approval of others nor does he need other people continually around.  At a party, he might be a person quietly interacting with one or two people in a corner. 

The big difference is the Alpha Male behaves like the world revolves around him.  At the same time, many others operate according to a similar belief.  This person is thrust to the center of the universe.  A dominant does not live according to this belief.  Instead of the world revolving around him, he simply controls his world.  What others do is of no consequence unless they enter into his realm.  One is concerned about image while the other control.

The Ability To Be Human

A true dominant is a human being.  He is able to acknowledge this about himself and it shows in his actions.  The truth is we all make mistakes.  There are times when we all have the proverbial "egg on our face".  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  One who has confidence understands this.  On mistaken action is not a reflection upon the worth of a person.  This is true for both himself and others around him.  Embracing the humanity of ourselves is what separates the dominant from those who are not.

This is something to be mindful of when interacting with someone who proclaims to be a dominant.  Watch how he acts when he makes a mistake.  Does he own up to it or is he one to place blame elsewhere?  Is he intolerant of a mistake on the part of a submissive?  Does he require one always to be looking her best for fear of what others will think?  Are the opinions of others overly stressed and important to him?  These are all warning signs that one is not truly dominant.

From the exterior, a dominant and an Alpha Male can look the same.  But answering the above questions will uncover what is motivating this individual.  One who is trying to overcome some fear is not dominant.  My experience is that a person coming from this place will tend to be domineering to the degree that it is obvious.  We notice then when punishments are doled out for the slightest mistake.  A person who is intolerant and inflexible is not one who understands nor is really capable of dealing with human beings.  Acceptance of others faults especially when they are trying to correct them is a central idea that many miss.

Overall, I would say that a person who is dominant has what I call a quiet confidence about themselves.  They do not need to be boisterous or loud.  Instead, he is assured within himself of the place occupied and how he interacts with the world.  Actions will speak louder than words.  While he might question things periodically about himself, this is undertaken in an effort to improve.  The inner journey never ends.  One of this sort is always learning realizing there is more to uncover about himself and his craft.  The Alpha has to be aggressive while the dominant knows a lot more can be gained by being laid back.  Certainly that does not mean he will not be aggressive if the situation warrants it.  But, again, it is contingent upon the situation.  The Alpha has a pre-programmed mode of interaction.  I think you can see the difference.

Ponder these ideas as you embark on your search.  Question yourself and a perspective dominant.   Try to uncover the motives that this person comes from.  Be aware if one is too image conscious for that could be a sign of covering up a major insecurity.  Look for the quiet confidence that will reap benefits in time of turmoil.  If it exists, you probably have a solid basis to build a foundation upon.

DN  

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April 15, 2013

BDSM: Slavery


Today I am going to cover one of the more extreme aspects of the BDSM world: slavery.  For many, because of historical contexts, this leaves a poor taste in people's mouths.  When they hear the term slavery, they usually associate it with what the Africans endures being pulled from their land, put on ships, and brought to the "new world" to work as free labor.  Of course, this was just another segment of the population added to the long list of people who existed as slaves throughout the ages.  Most of the ancient wonders such as the Great Wall and Pyramids were constructed by slave labor.

Forced

Obviously, the common theme throughout history with regard to slavery is that it was forced.  Regardless of the term utilized, it is the same outcome.  People are taken from their homes and forced to perform tasks for others without receiving compensation.  They cease to exist as human beings rather becoming property.  In this regard, they are placed at the same levels as horses or oxen.  Beatings were often a part of the curriculum and death was only a concern because of the loss of an asset.  Whether one is called a slave, indentured servant, or houseboy, the premise is the same.

In this era, sexual slavery is one the most common form of slavery there is.  Much of the world has worked diligently to stamp out slaves doing physical labor.  Human rights groups are all over countries that allow this practice to exist.  However, sex slaves are quite common existing in most countries in the world.  Again, the terminology might change but at the end of the day these people are owned and used for another person's financial gain.  Drugs and alcohol are used to "addict" the person making them more controllable.  Of course, younger ones are taken because fear is more effective on them (in addition to there being a market).

While I am not going to enter into great discussion about the historical shortcomings of the human race, the point I am making is that slavery has always existed and, at its premise, people had no choice.  Conquered people became the property of those conquering.  Certainly, there is nothing enticing or glamorous about this way of life.

BDSM-Consent

A central tenet to BDSM is that all actions are based upon consent.  Here is one way that we separate ourselves from the traditional meaning of things.  While some of the actions will mirror what took place historically, it is crucial to remember that both parties agreed to the structure.

To start, BDSM is a conscious decision for most people.  Few are reared in this lifestyle.  Instead, they follow the traditional model as it is set forth by the culture they live in.  It is only after realizing some failings in the "normal" way of life that one begins to seek an alternative.  This is where BDSM enters the picture for many.  A conscious choice is required to enter this way of life.  One does not wake up one day and have a subconscious thought about turning his or her life to another.  Rather, after some research, the idea enters that this option as a relationship structure is appealing.  This is where one starts the journey on this path.

Also, upon entering, one must also decide at what level he or she is willing reside at.  While this is often a process akin to an uncovering, eventually a faction of the submissive BDSM community decides that slavery is preferred.  Again, this is a conscious choice.  Upon entering a relationship, consent is given to live in accordance to this relationship structure.  Here we see the stark difference from the historical examples of slavery.

Total Power Exchange

For slavery to exist, total power must be given.  By definition, slavery is a complete arrangement.  Power is not shared.  Here again, we can look at the historical context to gain the understanding.  Forced slaves do not have any power.  All of it resides in the hands of the owner (Master).  This power was handed over to someone else at times where applicable.  An example of this is when a foreman type person was responsible for keeping the slaves working on the assigned project.  He was free to do what he wanted to the slaves via the transfer of power.  Either way, the slaves had no say.

In certain situations it was not uncommon to see some responsibility bestowed upon individual slaves.  Again, the owner is free to distribute the power at his option.  There were times when a slave was given the responsibility over a few other slaves or a particular aspect of the work.  For example, on the large plantations, it was common for there to be a female slave who was responsible for the work within the household.  This was usually an elder slave who was born and raised on the land.  Her position included responsibility but did not change her status as a slave.

In the BDSM community, for one to live as a slave, we need to see the similar transfer of power.  This is not a split proposition.  Those who opt for this particular path are into total power exchange.  It is a voluntary decision to become what is the equivalent of property.  Naturally this goes against the laws of the land which is none of this is legally binding.  However, in the context of the lifestyle, one's commitment is what is binding.  While one is always free to leave, it is a big reflection upon that person not to remain unless some extreme harm is present.  A person who opts for this particular mode of relationship structure agrees with the parameters which go along with it.

Here is where many will take exception with me.  Some believe that there are different forms of slavery.  This idea comes from the notion that people are free to live how they see fit.  I agree with this sentiment.  Nevertheless, terminology is important and slavery, by its definition, is a total exchange of power.  It is not an equal or even a partial divide.  The exchange of power is complete.  If it is not, while a very practical way to structure relationships, slavery does not exist.

By the way, it is important to note that most BDSM relationships are not M/s.  Few opt to live this way of life or are they able to.  The skills required by both Master and slave to exist at this level are enormous.  On the dominant side, the responsibility of owning another person is more than most can handle.  In fact, in this day and age, most have difficulty controlling themselves let alone someone else.

Sex Slaves

Before concluding this article, I thought I would mention something about sex slaves.  In the beginning I touched upon what sexual slavery truly it.  This is not something that is consensual and there are millions of people (including children) who are living this way at this very moment.  Abduction, prostitution, rape, molestation, pregnancy, disease, and death are a common part of this culture.  There is nothing that can be glorified about this reality.

Nevertheless, travel around the BDSM dating sites and you will see people posting that they are "sex slaves".  It took me a while to figure out what these people meant but I eventually drew my conclusion.  When one terms him or herself a sex slave, in effect that person is proclaiming to be a slut.  In other words, anything goes sexually.  That is it.

Sadly, these people are misinformed.  A "sex slave" is not a slave.  While one is trying to proclaim total power exchange over sexual areas, this ends as soon as orgasm is achieved.  Tell her to go clean the toilet and you will get a non-submissive response.  This is not slavery.

Part of the problem is in the term "sex slave".  This is misleading.  True sex slaves are really slaves who are used for sexual purposes.  Therefore, the word sex describes the actions they perform as opposed to what they are.  Slave is more accurate.  They do not have control over any area of their lives.  This person could just as easily be used for other purposes if the owner deemed it necessary.

Getting back to the BDSM world, those who claim to be "sex slaves" are simply submissive people who want to have no say over their sexual affairs.  Usually, this entails those fantasizing about being taken in all different ways.  They believe BDSM offers a path to fantasy fulfillment.  Being passed around, tied up and used, or taken in public are all ideas which resonate with these people.  Certainly there is nothing wrong with having this as part of one's life.  However, the problem I have is that being horny and wanting to be taken is not on par with slavery.  I do not dispute the validity of choice just the terminology.  I feel the desire to be used completely sexually does not make one a slave of any kind; BDSM or otherwise.

BDSM slavery conveys a great deal of misconception.  The term slavery itself, as first mentioned, carries a negativity that most cannot get past.  Regardless of what many think, this is a fundamental part of the BDSM community.  If it is something you are interested in, do not let other people tell you it is wrong.  There are many who live in TPE relationships who are totally happy.  For those who can handle it, it is a perfectly acceptable path to choose.

DN  

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April 13, 2013

Onine Safety


With so much focus of late on the online world, I thought it helpful to review a few of the basics in terms of safety.  While much of this should be common sense, as we all know, when it comes to the online world, common sense is so uncommon.

Safety Is Priority #1

This is something that needs to be firmly imprinted in your mind.  No matter what is taking place, personal safety has to be of the highest concern.  We all know this is not just limited to the BDSM but everything we do.  At work we are taught the safety procedures as required by our company.  In dating, we are taught about safety in terms of sex and not putting oneself in a position of danger.  We are shown what parts of town to avoid.  Each day, safety precautions are taken to ensure our own survival.

Sadly, this sensibility goes out the window when dealing with the online community.  What is really depressing is that it seems to worsen when focusing upon the BDSM world.  People, especially submissive types, tend to have crazy ideas about what is required.  Certainly submission is an important part of the process.  However, that does not mean that one needs to listen to every individual who claims to be dominant.  Until one submits to another, he or she is still a free person operating on a level of equality with all others. 

Over the years, I have read about people doing the dumbest things and getting themselves into bad situations.  Some have ended very badly i.e. death.  This is something to keep in mind.  The worst can happen if one is not careful.  I do not write this to be a debbie downer as much to wake people up to the realities of life. 

If you are not taking precaution in all that you do, especially as it pertains to your online BDSM interactions, you are playing with fire.

It Is Your Responsibility

Again, I am going to pick on the submissive types because they are the worst culprits of this even though they do not have a monopoly on this behavior.  The bottom line is that safety is YOUR responsibility.  I do not care what you believe proper protocol is.  It means nothing when you are dealing with someone who is not apt to adhere to it.  And that is another reality of life: many claiming to be dominant, or worse, Masters, are not worthy of that title.  Imprint this idea upon your mind also.  Safety for you falls directly to you.

So many want to obey the commands given to them.  This is wonderful if one is involved in a BDSM relationship with someone who is knowing.  It takes a great deal to "own" another meaning the responsibility is astronomical.  To properly do it, one needs to embark on a major learning curve even if he or she has decades of experience within the lifestyle.  Each person is different and a true dominant knows it will take time to learn about that person.  Safety will be at the forefront of his (her) mind.  Yet we do not see this in most.

Therefore, do not believe the online garbage that just because someone says he or she is dominant, that you need to pay attention or obey what that person says.  This is especially true for those who have not earned that obedience.  I am always amazed when submissives follow the orders of a "dominant" who sends in instructions in the first email.  Are you kidding me?  Why would one even entertain such a thought?  Again, common sense is uncommon.

Above all else, be sure to monitor your actions to ensure you are behaving in a safe manner.

Basic Tips

The advantage one has in dealing online is the anonymity.  While most of us know the frustration that comes with this because it allows the pretenders to create whatever persona they desire, the truth is it is a protective measure.  The great thing about it is that one need to do nothing to take advantage of it.  The medium itself has it build it.  One only need to keep information private and all is well.

Yet this is where people go wrong.  The bottom line is the Internet is not a place to reveal too much information until you are sure what you are dealing with.  Personal emails, im, and location are to be kept private.  Most sites have communication tools, generic in nature, build in which allows interaction without revealing about oneself.  This is handy.  Hide behind your user name (or first name only) until you are at a point where it is safe to reveal it. 

Many seem to feel that when a dominant says to answer the question, that is a must.  In many instances this is true but when dealing online and getting acquainted, most true dominants will not push the issue.  They understand that the release of information is earned and a submissive who is protective of his or her safety reveals a lot about the worth of that person.  One who does not value him or herself to this degree most likely is not going to make a good sub.  Take note if the person you are dealing with says you have to tell me (fill in the blank).  If you feel the talk track is moving too fast, then mention it.  This will be an indication of what you are dealing with.

Another area that seems obvious yet is often broken is the in-person meeting.  The tendency here is to move quickly which is commonly a mistake.  It is crucial that you get to know someone before meeting.  Again, I am speaking solely from a safety standpoint.  Online communication works well because of the anonymity.  However, there comes a time when things need to progress.  That is where the traditional methods of communication enter.  Telephone calls works well even in the era of IM and text.  The reason is simple: if you are dealing with a 45 year old woman yet she sounds like a 60 year old man, that might be an indication something is amiss.  At the same time, if one claims to be 55 and single yet you hear a baby crying in the background, more questioning is required.  There are signs in talking with someone which will confirm or deny some information provided.

When the point is reached for in person meeting, do it in a public place.  This is a must.  Too many want to head to private quarters for fun.  Bad move.  While the percentages are in your favor that this person is not akin to a Craigslist killer, one never knows.  Sure there is never absolute certainty but if one is unwilling to meet for coffee or lunch, it could be a sign.  Public meetings will might help to flush out inconsistencies in the person's story.

Much of this sounds negative and it is meant to be.  The process that you are embarking upon is to disprove what the person says.  There are too many liars and cheats out there to risk it.  Safety is your responsibility and if a person is lying to you, that needs to be uncovered.  Failure to do that could have catastrophic consequences.

DN

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April 10, 2013

Opportunity Cost


There is a concept in the world of economic and finance called "opportunity cost".  Basically what this means is there is a loss each time resources are dedicated to one area as opposed to the other.  While there might be a gain from the decision made, the fact that another option is passed over means that another opportunity is lost.  For example, if money is spent on parks, while providing a benefit to the community, there is a cost by not putting the money into education.  In other words, resources are finite and there is a cost to each decision.

Time

The most precious resource any of us have is the commodity called "time".  Many like to say that time is money.  This is inaccurate.  Time is more valuable than money.  Ask this to any person on his/her deathbed.  I can guarantee you the person would trade all the money owned for a few more moments on this planet.  Money can be lost and made back.  There are countless stories of people who went through this.  In fact, many people with money went bust a time or two before making it big.  However, the same is not true with time.  While like money in that it can be invested or wasted, the fact is time cannot be recouped.  Once that moment passes, it is gone forever.  Replenishment is not possible with time.

Which brings me to BDSM.  Over the last few weeks I have spent some time writing about the online world.  As most everyone is aware, the multitude of game players online is endless.  The percentages are absolutely horrifying to anyone who really looks at things closely.  Go to any of the main BDSM "dating" sites and you will realize that almost everyone on there lacks a genuineness to them.  While not all are game players, they are not serious considerations either.

My personal estimates are as follows:

50% are outright game players
40 % are real but not genuine
10% (at most) are real and genuine

What does this mean?  The 50% includes all the scammers, con artists, married men masturbating in the basement while the wife sleeps, the bored housewife, etc... These people are not interested in anything and most of what they write are lies from the start.

The real but not genuine crowd are those people who claim to be one thing but are not.  Isolating this a bit, I am referring to the ones who claim to be submissive, as an example, but are not.  The same holds true for all the "Masters" who read a few books and visited a couple of websites.  In their minds they believe what they are telling people but they are misinformed.  The difference between this group is they are what they proclaim in the sense a 45 year old male is not a 19 year old playing online games.  The basic information is factual which makes them real but the misguided beliefs creates a lack of genuineness.

The final group is what we are after.  These are the people who understand what is going on.  My problem is that I am beginning to believe that my statistics are a bit high.  This group might be closer to 5%.  We are dealing with the proverbial needle in a haystack on most of these sites.  And that is the major problem.

It Costs All Of Us

The problem is that the game players cost all of us.  Anyone who is seeking anyone on these sites, even if it is for friendship or guidance, will have to sift through the aforementioned statistics.  This is a difficult situation since these numbers tell us 90% of the interactions are going to be a waste of time.  While I admit they are estimates, reading the frustration in the profiles on these types of sites tells me that people are experiencing just this.

What is costly is the time factor.  There is a lot of disheartening emotions when one finds out he or she was "taken for a ride".  By the way, do not feel bad if this happened to you.  Anyone who deals online is going to experience this.  It is the nature of the beast.  The only way to avoid it is to only deal with the local community (and even then the snakes exist).  Even the most experienced of us suffer this when dealing online.

As mentioned, time cannot be recouped.  The problem in dealing with the pretenders is that the time spent interacting with this "dominant" (as an example) is gone forever.  At the same time, while one "submitted" to this person, others were passed by.  We see the opportunity cost arise in the decision to focus upon someone who is not real.

One area I often question this is when I see someone is "under consideration by Master X". While this is a path many take in real situations, my curiosity is peaked when I see the people are in two separate states (or countries).  The first thing that pops into my head is that this person is missing the potential to get with someone local while spending time with someone at a great distance.  Of course, there are many instances where long distance relationships are closed geographically and people do become real time.  However, I feel certain that most of these situations are just games (based upon my percentages above).

Hence we find ourselves in situations where we spend a lot of time chasing after nothing.  There are so many pretenders out there that most interactions are nothing more than time wasters.  Anyone who was interacting with someone only to find they disappeared (profiles erased, emails blocked, etc...) understands what I am referring to.

Therefore, consider the idea of opportunity cost when starting to isolate your communication with someone from the online world.  Try to assess what you are dealing with.  Where does the person fall.  Is he or she just an outright game player?  Or are this person real but missing the boat about what he or she says?  The goal is to spend our moments interacting with those who fit into the 10% category of real and genuine.  This is a tall task yet is crucial.  Failure to do so leads to a great deal of frustration and the opportunity cost can be great.  There are real Masters and slaves out there.  It is just a matter of finding them.

This is the challenge.

DN  

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April 6, 2013

A Lack Of Reality


The online BDSM world has created a disconnect from reality.  Over the years, I have asked people if they thought the Internet helped or hindered the BDSM community.  Based upon the responses I received, I would say that most feel it has helped.  However, the ones who are in the "hindered" camp tend to be the old guard; people who have lived this lifestyle for a long time.

Fantasy

I am going to leave aside all the online games that are played in terms of the liars and cheats.  We all know those type of people exist in all areas of life.  The only difference is the Internet is a mecca where they can excel.

Getting back to the hindering, the people that I asked the question to did not fall into the "longing for the good ole days" mentality.  They were people who tended to embrace technology.  However, they saw a serious shift from the true ways that were present when the BDSM community was smaller and not in plain view.

The problem I see with the online world is that it allows people to engage in fantasy.  While there is nothing wrong with this in and of itself, issues do arise when it is not kept in the proper context.  The sad truth is so many I encounter seem to believe that the fantasy is they way it is.

I will give you an example.  Star Trek was a very popular program which gained a cult-like following over the last few decades.  It was a sci-fi program which most knew to be made up.  From a technological standpoint some of what was on the show became reality.  However, in the 1960s people did not talk to each other on devices that did not have wires coming out of them.  Also, anyone with a pragmatic view of things knew the entire show was made up.  This is how one keeps it in proper perspective.  While one could root for Captain Kirk to win against the green guy, everyone was well aware that when the show ended, life was present.

We do not see the same approach to the BDSM world.  In this lifestyle, there is an entire aspect which is based upon a science fiction series.  While I can admit some of the characteristics about what was discussed are applicable, the truth is that the books were made up.  They did not exist in real life.  The fact that the author created this society on a pretend planet does not mean that it can be transferred to our life here on Earth.  Many are disappointed to find that the protocols which are present in the book are rarely applicable.  Imagine having to kneel when another Master approaches while you are in the middle of a supermarket (or worse, at your place of employment).  As you can see, it is something that is impractical.

Escape

Star Trek was an hour long television program that gave people an escape.  It is similar to shows that people want on a regular basis today.  There is nothing wrong with vegging out and being entertained for an hour.  We all need this escape from our daily lives periodically.  Again, knowing that it is just a temporary escape before returning to life is what makes the difference.

The same is true in the online world.  Many choose this medium to escape.  The enter into chatrooms or go to sites specifically designed to provide a forum for this behavior.  After a couple hours of enjoyment, the person shuts off the computer and returns to reality.  Perspective is maintained while the person got what he or she was desiring for the short term. 

We need to contrast this with the behavior of so many, especially new people who find this lifestyle.  Whether it is 50 Shades or other BDSM "romance" novels, the imagery presented by the porn industry, or the books of Gor, too many enter believing these things are reality.  It is sad to watch someone who has the mindset that entering this lifestyle equals an exemption from life.  These people believe the romance and fantasy provided when those of us who lived this for a while know that is not true.  Life is still life and we are a part of it.

I will use the porn industry as an example.  If you watched the Kink.com videos, you would believe BDSM is all about whips and chains.  Obviously a slave is going to be screwed all day, every day by her Master.  Orgies must be the norm.  Every Master has all those wonderful toys and a house with a dungeon in every room.  Naturally this is not reality but that is what one is led to believe if he or she buys into the imagery.

The same is true for the romance novels.  Have you ever noticed how the Master is a wealthy business owner who works from home?  If this is your conception of reality and the life ahead of you, I would harken to guess that you are going to be disappointed.  The online search is difficult enough when one is seeking someone real, let alone real and wealthy.  It can happen but I would not bank on it.

My point is that it is crucial the one enter BDSM with the mindset that is based upon reality and not buy into the fantasy.  Sure, there are aspects of the imagery and BDSM romance novels which are engaged upon and enjoyed.  However, this is not commonplace.  Life still happens.  The reality of life in BDSM is the same as life in general.  There are financial circumstances which need tending to.  Family is still a problem for us also.  Work and career consumes a great deal of time.  Illnesses occur and require getting through.  Relationships problems arise even in power exchange.  Everything that the average person encounters is present. 

It is time that people eliminate the lack of reality from their mindset.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice which means that we structure our relationships in a manner different from mainstream society.  That is all.  It does not mean that we are exempt from any of the difficulties that life has to offer.  If you struggled in the vanilla world, the odds are you will experience the same here.  I am amazed how people lacking interpersonal skills believe they will suddenly become interactive (successfully) in this way of life.  That is why the BDSM journey starts by going within.  Working on oneself is the first step to success in BDSM.  Relationships involve people and if you are not a high quality person, your chance is diminished.  This is true whether the interaction is vanilla or otherwise.

So maintain a sense of reality.  Use fantasy as an escape temporarily while understanding life and all that goes along with it is still present.  BDSM is not an escape from reality.

DN 


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April 2, 2013

You Are The Best


Rejection is a difficult thing for many to take?  This is true in any walk of life.  People do not like to be told, or worse, shown, that they are not desirable in any way.  However, true success in life comes after persisting through those times when rejection occurs.  We need only to look at people such as Colonel Sanders of KFC fame who finally sold his recipe for chicken after over 1,000 rejections. 

Social Rejection

Rejection is a part of the social scene no matter what "lifestyle" one opts to live in.  Almost everyone of us has suffered this to some degree.  Whether is the receiving a "no" when asking the cute girl to the prom or not receiving an invite because you are not considered desirable by the boys, rejection hurts.  Being told no is something we do not like to hear.

In addition, the ending of a relationship often occurs in such a way that one is rejected.  Under this scenario, one is turned away by the other.  The breakup is not mutual but, rather, a decision that one of the partners made.  Of course, this can wreak havoc on the self esteem of the one who is "dumped".  Again, being rejected, especially by someone who is close to you, never feels good.

The thing to keep in mind is there are many reasons why one "rejects" another.  Often it is simply a lack of knowledge.  For example, the online world is an epicenter for rejection.  Go to any BDSM site and you will only have to send out a few emails to understand what I am referring to.  The amount of games plays means that one will ultimately experience rejection of some sort.  It is inevitable so you must prepare for it.

A Choice

Believe it or not, rejection is something that we choose to accept or not.  I know this might seem strange to write but it is a fact.  We cannot experience rejection unless we opt to experience this within ourselves.  Rejection is an emotional state that we put ourselves in.  One way to combat this is to avoid this state at all costs.

Sales is a career where rejection comes with the territory.  Salespeople are trained to accept "no" as a part of their existence and to overcome it.  How do they do this?  They simply do not take the response personal.  What do I mean by this?  A successful sales person will not internalize any negative responses.  He or she knows that the way another reacts is of not a personal reflection upon him or her.  In fact, this salesperson knows that personal rejection is impossible.  One might say no to the offer or product presented but, again, that is not a reflection upon the sales person.

How does this equate to BDSM?  Simple.  Many take the responses of others personally.  This is especially true online.  For example, it is quite common for one to start an email interaction only to receive something from the other person to the effect "I do not think you are what I am looking for".  Now this might be true.  However, in many instances, there is not enough information for one to honestly judge what the other person is about.  Words on a screen do not convey the essence of a person.  Yet so many believe that the other person is "attacking" them by drawing a conclusion.  The truth is the other person has no idea who you are. 

Therefore, what do you do?  Do you opt to buy into the opinion of another who has no idea who or what you are?  Is this a person who has enough information to draw a common sense conclusion about you?  The answer is no.  At this point in time, you have a choice whether to buy into his or her opinion or ignore it.  While certain things said might be accurate, most of what people notice does not reflect your true essence.  And this is something that is impossible to learn online.

You Are The Best

Another way to combat this is for you to embrace the idea that you are the best or at least working towards it.  Life is nothing more than a series of choices.  Each day, we make decisions which affect the path we travel.  Most selections really have no major impact on our life experience.  Decisions such as what movie to watch mean little in the grand scheme.  However, a choice of whether to get married or not is something which has greater impact.  Nevertheless, our present circumstances are nothing more than a sum total of all our decisions.

An interesting thing takes place when you understand this concept.  Everyone else operates under the same principle.  The results in their lives are nothing more than the total of all the decisions ever made.  People are free to decide what they want.  Sometimes these decisions are beneficial while others are extremely detrimental.  My suggestion is to make the decision to reject you tremendously detrimental in the lives of others.

Before going any further, please note that I am not advocating acting like an arrogant, obtuse ass.  Behavior such as this only serves to make one completely undesirable.  Arrogance is not derived from confidence but fear.  Those who have to tell you how great they are tend to know deep down how inadequate they truly are.  The facade is erected to fool the outer world while the inner world is known. 

What I mean by the idea to make the decision to reject you detrimental is that you need to hold yourself in high regard.  To do this, there needs to be congruence with the inner truth and external image presented.  If you are dominant, the idea is that you are the best Master anyone could have.  Of course, to maintain this mindset with all honesty, you need to continually be advancing your skills to reflect this.  A decision to be the best that is not followed up with the garnering of knowledge and experience will lead to disconnect.  Ultimately, your inner self knows the truth.

The same holds for submissives.  If a dominant rejects you, make sure you understand that he (she if Domme) is walking away from the best sub to grace that area.  View yourself with high esteem while continually working on yourself to ensure this is true.  Much of what we deal with in BDSM is learned.  The quality of dominance/submission are natural but the act of dominating and submitting occur only after knowledge is attained.  Be committed to pushing your talents forward. 

There is one situation which often throws people when trying to achieve this outlook.  What if what the other person said as the reason for rejecting is true?  The answer to this is simply "for now".  One might mention a person's weight as a reason for a lack of interest.  In this scenario, the scale does not lie.  However, does that mean one will be that way in 3 or 6 months?  If something is pointed out as accurate, there is no reason to believe that it cannot be changed.  Skills can be acquired with study; personality quirks can be altered with effort; physical qualities can often be changed with proper diet and exercise.  Regardless of what it is, the person you are today is not who you will be in the future.

In closing, apply this mindset the next time someone rejects you in a certain way.  Develop the mindset that this person is making a mistake by not pursuing you.  Believe that you are the best dominant or submissive this person will ever come across.  If there are some areas where you are lacking, work to remove them.  And finally, if there is something that is pointed out to you that is impossible to change, such as your height, understand that the person you are dealing with is most likely shallow and you are better off pursuing someone else.  Focus only on those things that can be altered.  And remember, you are only rejected if you choose to accept it. 

DN  

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