August 31, 2009

Grasping With Reality

In my travels online I get the sense that many feel that the BDSM world is a "fantasy" life which will solve all problems. Perhaps I am mistaken but that is the impression I get from the way many "talk". They seem to feel their Dom/Master is the best in the world while putting him or her on a pedestal. To me, this idea shows the disconnect from reality.

I often write how entry in the BDSM world will not solve all your life problems. Those of us who live this way still experience many of the same issues as everyone else. We lose jobs and encounter financial difficulties. Health problems hit us in the same way as the general population. There are hard times in our relationships with some ending in separation. And, of course, we still have those family events to deal with. In short, we are just another member of society doing the best we can.

BDSM does offer us a way to fulfill the inner desires within us. Many of us found that we were not exactly suited for the vanilla life. BDSM offers us an alternative that is more to our liking. This is the positive aspect which is commonly agreed upon.

However, it is crucial to remember that we are dealing with people. This lifestyle centers around a relationship. Whether we are talking M/s, D/s, or a typical relationship with BDSM added, the fact remains that interpersonal skills still apply. There are many times that utilizing these skills is necessary to move past an obstacle. Those who believe that entry into this way of life will create the fairy tale life are sadly mistaken.

Much is written about the merits and drawbacks to the Internet. Enabling one to disconnect from reality is one of the disadvantages to this latest communication medium. For relationships to grow, there needs to be real live interaction between the two parties. When this is absent, there is stagnation.

The bottom line is that nobody is perfect. Whoever the person is that you are dealing with, he or she will have flaws. People make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. However, to elevate them to an iconic level is setting yourself up for disappointment. After all, we all put our pants on one leg at a time.

Remain grounded in reality by remembering that BDSM is offering another form of relationships. However, when dealing with a relationship, there are going to be ups and downs. Those who are committed will survive. Relationships take work. You must be willing to put in the effort.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 30, 2009

Stop Living By Their Rules

BDSM is all about freedom. This might seem strange when you consider this is a lifestyle that includes bondage as one of the main foundations. Nevertheless, those who have enough courage to choose this way of life know the freedom that goes along with living true to one's core.

Yesterday, I had an experience which altered my outlook slightly. While not going into too many details, let's just say there was an incident that could have seriously injured me permanently. After pondering this for a while, I realized how fragile life really is. What is present today can evaporate instantly. Life has a way of changing rapidly.

Society has a way of creating rules for us. They teach us what is appropriate and what is not. People who do not conform are called a variety of derogatory names. This is how it conditions us to behave in certain ways. Peep pressure and the idea of not fitting in can create havoc within those who are insecure. Most will blindly follow rather than risk being outcast.

The sad thing is that few of us can happily live in the box that society creates for us. We are all individuals with inner callings that must be followed. To deny these motives puts us in a state if unhappiness. That is why so many feel their life is empty. On the surface all seems alright yet there is that inner itch needing to be scratched.

It is time to stop living by their rules. If you are one who is looking at any aspect of the BDSM lifestyle, then the odds are that you are unhappy with what the traditional mode of relationships offers. Simply, you want something different. Most of us experienced the same thing.

The first step to entry into this way of life is the mental commitment to be true to what is calling you. If there is something that you are attracted to, then resolve to make that a reality in your life. Today is the day to stop living by their rules. BDSM offers the opportunity to fulfill whatever desires reside within you. Accepting this is a part of the life that you want to create for yourself is the beginnings of your new path.

Society is against what we do. They believe in equality in relationships. The vanilla world likes to keep things on a level basis. BDSM is about power and control. The exchange of power is central in all we do. We are ones who feel that some are designed to dominate while others are structured for submission. One is not better than the other: both are necessary to complete the submission act.

Many will ponder entry by doing "research". It is good to be cautious especially when it comes to choosing another to get involved with. However, the act of committing yourself mentally can be done in short time. Again, if there is something you like, resolve to make that a part of your life. All actions begin in the head. Changing your life is a mental exercise first.

The control that society holds over us is powerful. The conditioning we all experience alters our behavior without our knowledge. Breaking free of this psychological control is a long and difficult process. Years of conditioning cannot be undone in a few days. However, deciding to move in a certain direction helps to facilitate the process of breaking free. Once you have decided this is what you want, you are then able to wrestle with the inner conflict that naturally will result.

Stop living by society's rules. Start to forge your own life by resolving to make decisions for yourself. Nobody is responsible for the way you live other than yourself. It is the only path that I know which results in freedom.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 27, 2009

Making A Master's Life Easier

The other day I came across a post mentioning the idea of a sub/slave trying to get negative attention. In short, this is childish and immature. It is also manipulative. Any slave who engages in this behavior ought to be dealt with severely.

A slave's exists for only one reason: to make the life of a Master easier. What other job does she fill? A Master is the one who determines how to use her best. When one is feeling neglected and seeking attention, she is deciding how much is appropriate. This is a classic example of topping from the bottom.

Obedience is how a slave makes a Master's life easier. A slave is to listen to the instructions of her Master. His word is law. This is the design of the M/s relationship.

My experience is that a slave tends to insert her will into the relationship periodically. Many seem to be emotionally unstable. It is sad, but this is where much of the childish behavior comes from. Being a Master often resembles parenting; many of the same techniques need to be applied.

In the end, a slave should be always available to her Master. The exception to this policy is when children are involved and she must attend to them. I have seen firsthand where the behavior will not match this concept. Again, this is a disappointment to a Master. A slave needs to remember her place in the relationship. We live an extreme lifestyle for a reason.

This is a simple concept to understand but so difficult to implement. You will find that a slave is often self centered and thinking about her wants. I can only presume this is human nature. Of course, the situation is only magnified when one is in a poly situation. Nevertheless, a Master needs to make it clear who is in charge. Manipulation is intolerable.

To all the slaves that are out there: today, just focus on making your Master's life easier. That is your job.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 26, 2009


This is one of the most basic qualities that a Dom/Master needs. One who is not confident cannot properly dominate another. It is just that simple.

Before going any further, we will reveal why the pretenders do not have what it takes to succeed in this area. Many seem to be confident by telling you how great they are. Those who demand they be called "Master" show how little they really have. Being a Master is more than just the way you are addressed. In fact, the failure to address one in that manner does not make one any less dominant. Yet, many will insist upon this because they lack confidence.

There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. We have all met the former. Those are the ones who talk a big game yet are really nothing in the end. In short, their actions fail to live up to their words.

Leaders in all walks of life strive to instill confidence in others. This is a basic necessity for effective leadership. Those who pull this off succeed. On the other hand, failure to instill confidence can wreck a leader's career. Take the Presidency as an example. While the President is instilling confidence in people, the approval ratings are high and Congress is apt to side with him. However, once the confidence in the President slips, all start to bail. Thus the term "lame duck" President.

A Dom/Master needs to have the same approach. There is no way a sub/slave will follow someone who lacks confidence. It is something that he or she is looking for in the other person. Certainty is trait that is craved. A Dom/Master fosters a certain atmosphere by being confident in his decisions. Wavering is not something that subs/slaves like to see.

We all met those people who are confident (as opposed to arrogant). There is an aura about them. They are the people who others are attracted to. Regardless of the situation, they are the individuals who keep calm in the face of a storm. At the end of the day, they instill confidence in you.

This is what an effective Master does. Trust is build upon this confidence. Over time, a sub/slave comes to have confidence in her Dom/Master. It is something that can occur naturally. However, for this is take place, he must first have that confidence within himself. This is not something that can be bluffed. Without it, the D/s or M/s relationship is doomed to fail.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 25, 2009

Being a sub

There are many who seem to confuse being a sub versus being a slave. In my book, An Owned Life, I spend considerable time detailing the differences between the two. For those who read this, the confusion quickly ends.

That being said, there are some in this lifestyle who seem to demean the position of subs. This comes not only from dominant types but also those who choose to go the slave route. For whatever reason, many believe that a sub is not as good as a slave. It is as if they are considered "submissive light". Nothing could be further from the truth.

A sub has nothing to be ashamed of. If he or she is simply following an inner inclination, then that is fulfilling a personal trait. Someone is not "less than" just because he or she is not cut out for 24/7 slavery. There are only a select few who truly can live this lifestyle in that manner. My experience is that most tend to fall under the sub category.

There is nothing wrong with one choosing to be a sub. Many want to retain control over certain areas of their lives. If this is natural for him or her, then it is most likely the right choice for that person. Trying to move further out into submission will not work. We would again encounter the square peg in the round hole situation.

Remember this idea the next time you are tempted to demean someone online who claims to be a sub. There are many different facets of the BDSM lifestyle. To ridicule anyone because they choose to live a different way is intolerable. This way of life is all about freedom. Those who choose to live differently are exercising that freedom and ought to be commended.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 21, 2009

Needy and Desperate

This is something that I see all the time when I travel around the Internet. Here is a sign that should be considered like getting hit with a sledgehammer. If you cannot see this one coming, you are a fool and deserve all you get.

If you meet someone who comes across as needy and desperate, run the other way. This is not a person you need to deal with. It matters little whether this person is a Dom or a sub; Master or slave; online or in person. Needy and desperate reveals an inability to handle any type of relationship.

There is a term to describe these people: psychic vampires. Simply put, they suck the life out of anyone they interact with. Your energy level will be wiped out dealing with his or her issues. In short, your relationship looks more like childcare.

People need to have an acceptable level of self confidence to succeed in the M/s world. Actually, this is true in any type of life situation. Those who fail to have that are the ones who end up creating headaches for others. They are the ones who have to improve their standing by putting others down. Continual upheaval is a constant with individuals of this type.

Another thing, people are where they are for a particular reason. Many of us, especially the dominants, have the White Knight complex. We want to save the other person. Unfortunately, people are in situations because of choices they made. It is fairly simple to make a determination of one's mental makeup by simply looking at the conditions in his or her life. People do not end up in circumstances by mistake. While some truly do fall on hard times, most are there because of poor decisions. This will not change.

A lazy person does not become energetic because of M/s. Nor does someone who is unqualified suddenly get qualified. Those who cannot run their own lives (or that of their children) will not improve instantly because of M/s. In fact, they will end up leaning on the other person for support. This is equally true for subs as well as Doms. No matter what the makeup of the relationship, an energy vampire will suck the life out of the other.

Therefore, anytime you come across someone who is needy and desperate, run the other way. In the long run, that person is not worth the effort. No amount of support and guidance will change the fundamental premise of not feeling like enough. Strength needs to come from within. When someone is totally dependent upon the other for emotional support, the situation gets to be unhealthy. Ultimately, the entire relationship is poisoned.

This is your fair warning.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 19, 2009

A Slave's Job

I wrote often how a slave's place is to be obedient. It is her position to do as she is told by her Master. That is the basis of the total power exchange. All power is in the hands of the Master. It is complete, absolute, and final.

Many seem to fail to grasp there is one reason for a slave's existence: to make a Master's life easier. It is not a slave's place to give the Master headache after headache. This is selfish and showing the worth of a slave.

To me, this is an intolerable act. I will be the first to admit that abuse has no place in this way of life. I still stand by that statement. However, a slave who continually causes her Master grief deserves little mercy. I will never condone abuse but I will never stand in the way of one who wants to implement extreme punishments. A slave who behaves in such a manner deserves all she gets short of abuse.

Many will say that this is a reason for release. This is something that I disagree with. Release is too good. It is far better to retain the slave while implementing the harden training methods required. Sometimes extreme is exactly what is needed. Some will just not learn the lesson the first dozen times it is presented. Therefore, the big artillery needs to come out.

This might seem like a deviation from all that I write. Overall, I prefer the sensible methodology to training. However, there are times when one will behave in such a childish manner that this step is necessary. I am a believer in the total power exchange. It is the foundation to all that we do and how our relationships are designed. If this aspect is allowed to be compromised, the entire relationship is just another form of the traditional. Nothing it is to stop the exchange from moving to a 50/50 basis.

A slave's place is to make her Master's life easier. Bickering, complaining, and being selfish are not traits that a slave needs to hold onto. If she does not willing let them go, it is up to a Master to help her remove them. To do this, all measures short of abuse are merited. A true slave will understand what is occurring. A pretender will fight it all day long.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Submissive To Life or A Person?

In my book An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step process that is necessary for each person to go through for submission. I came up with this process after watching so many wrestle with substandard Doms/Masters. Those who approached things in this manner seemed to have a better sense of what it takes to make it in the BDSM lifestyle.

Many seem to think that one submits to a Dom/Master first. They carry the notion that the quest begins with looking for someone to become the One. This is completely crazy. It has everything backwards.

To start, submissiveness is something that a person uncovers about him or herself. It is within them naturally. The process of searching is to reveal something that is already there. A Dom/Master does not implement it. Therefore, for the moment, the other person is irrelevant. In fact, to succeed in this lifestyle, one needs to conclude something else first.

The submission process begins by submitting to the lifestyle. Another way of putting this is to commit to this way of life. That is only done after internal self-searching to reveal what is right for you. After you reach that conclusion and know this way of life is what you desire, then you can go about the search for another person. However, it is important to not get the cart before the horse.

Too often a sub/slave becomes dependent upon a Dom/Master at this phase of the process. She believes that he will be the one to show her whether this way of life is for her. If things do not work out, there is always the traditional way of life. Once again, this is simply wrong.

Did you determine your sexual preference based upon the people you slept with? Did you wait until you got laid to conclude whether you were heterosexual or not? Perhaps you did but that would put you in an extreme minority. Most uncovered their sexual desires long before actually experiencing it.

The same holds true in this way of life. A person needs to determine where he or she stands before engaging in a deeply committed M/s or D/s relationship. Those who choose a Dom/Master to help show whether this way of life is for her risk being misled by that person. What I mean is that if things turn out badly, she will conclude it wasnt for her when, in fact, it might have been him. Also, if things go well, it might be that love is the overriding emotion as opposed to submission. Thus, if it ends, that person cannot see herself in the lifestyle. Her decision was based solely on the other person.

Therefore, I feel it crucial for one to understand what his or her natural desires are. Many tell me they were submissive in their traditional relationship and it was when they found BDSM that things started to make sense. I personally experienced this on the dominant side. My past vanilla relationships had me fighting for control. It was only when I got involved in BDSM did I come to understand my dominant tendencies. Thus I was able to commit to this way of life irregardless of who I was involved with.

Those who first submit to the lifestyle are here for the long term. No matter what happens to their present relationships, they will carry on searching for another. However, those who mix up their feelings by involving another in the submission risk exiting if something happens to that person (or the relationship). This concept contrasts the difference of doing something because of feelings for the other person as opposed to doing it because it is natural.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Commit and Stay That Way

This is a post that really hits home with me and something that I wanted to pass on to everyone out there. The BDSM lifestyle is something that is amazing. For me, it is the fit I was seeking all my life. Over the years I never seemed to succeed in traditional relationships without knowing why. After finding BDSM, I now understand it. The simple fact is that I am not cut out for a 50/50 relationship. In my book, An Owned Life, I spell out how the difference between BDSM and traditional relationship comes down to the distribution of power. Everything else is similar.

My journey into this way of life took me back and forth between the two worlds. This is something that I guess I needed to do but did cause me a lot of headaches along the way. The lesson I learned is that a square peg will not fit into a round hole no matter how much you try to change the hole: it is still round.

I found the BDSM lifestyle, or more specifically, the M/s relationship. This was done totally by accident in that I got involved with a girl who previously was owned. Here I thought I was getting into just another relationship and she wanted a repeat of an alternative lifestyle. Without going into details, the years we were together taught me a lot about this way of life.

Naturally, if that was the end of the story of how I found this way of life, then I would not be writing this post. The truth is that I spent the next 5 or 6 years bouncing between M/s and traditional. Whenever one relationship would end, I would get into a relationship in the other lifestyle. This went on a number of times with the same results: train wrecks.

What was my problem? I narrowed it down to that fact that I would not allow myself permission to be happy going contrary to what society teaches. The pressure we feel to be "normal" is intense. We do not realize how powerful the teachings of others is upon us. My situation shows how I was thinking that my solution was elsewhere. It was not.

For those who find they enjoy this lifestyle, I feel it is important that one commit to that decision and stay that way. It is too easy to waffle back and forth between the two. People who take to this way of life do so for a reason. In fact, they begin the search because something tells them that there might be more available than what the traditional world is offering. They find their answers yet turn away from them. This is exactly what I did.

My lesson to you is to save yourself some pain and suffering. If you think this is for you then you are probably correct. Those who are repulsed by the idea of domination and submission quickly realize they belong somewhere else. However, if you have investigated how we live and find it liking, then you are in the right place. Just accept it and do not worry about what society thinks. This takes courage but is worth the effort.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 18, 2009

What We All Seek

What are you looking for? Why are you even remotely interested in BDSM and what it has to offer? Is there something that caught your attention which necessitated further research? In short, why are we here?

Naturally, I could get rather long-winded about this idea. There are reams of books written over the ages trying to answer the question "what is the meaning of life". Nevertheless, this is something that certainly comes into play in choosing the BDSM way of life.

My belief is simple: we want to be happy. All else stems from this basic idea. We look at this lifestyle because we believe that we can be happy living it. Also, our search begins because we are unhappy in the traditional model. There is something missing which causes us to start the search.

The irony is that many find this way of life holds a higher degree of happiness for them yet they do not allow themselves to enjoy it. Social conditioning is a powerful mechanism. We live in what is termed an "alternative lifestyle". It is choice that is different from what mainstream considers normal. Therefore, many have lots of negative emotions associated with this choice.

It is not surprising to hear that many feel guilty about the way they are choosing to live. Society uses this emotion to make people feel like the way they are living is wrong. It takes great courage to be able to stand up and decide "this is what is right for me". This is your life, do with it as you see fit.

Society wants each of us to fit into a "box" that is creates. Following the traditional precepts, we will fall in line. The herd mentality is what cultures use to dictate behavior. Those who break from the pack by choosing something different risk being ostracized. Individuality is not something that is promoted.

So be judicious in your search. BDSM is an opportunity to fulfill some of the natural, inborn characteristics that are within you. However, you must understand that there is a risk of alienation by those closest to you. Remember, they want you to be happy as long as fulfilling that happiness is within the approved bounds they choose. BDSM rarely fits into this category.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 16, 2009


Yesterday I wrote about punishments. This is something that is commonly discussed in the BDSM world. It is easy for a Dom/Master to get caught up with all that a sub/slave does wrong. While there might be instances, it is important to realize that all is not bad. No person is a total screw up. Every person does some things right.

I believe an issue that is often overlooked is balance. It is crucial that a Dom/Master maintain balance with a sub/slave. No person can grow with constant belittlement. This is just another form of abuse. People need balance in their feedback. Positive reinforcement is equally as effective as negative.

There are too many who are quick to pull the punishment "bag of tricks" out and unleash it. I have to admit there are times when I am rather one sided with my focus. This causes me to repeatedly nitpick at a slave's activities. Once again, nobody is perfect. At the same time, nobody is entirely ineffective either. We are fall somewhere in the middle.

Balance is something that everyone dominant needs to strive for. We talked repeatedly about the need for emotional balance. Now, we are going to expand that to include balance of focus. Focusing on both the positive as well as the negative activities of a sub/slave will yield a healthier relationship. People respond when they are told they are doing well.

A good rule of thumb is to bookend criticism with positive attributes. This is a leadership technique which applies to more than just BDSM. Whenever you are confronted with having to chastise another for inappropriate behavior, start by mentioning something good that she does. Then mention that activity which you are displeased with while following up with another positive comment. This will alleviate her feeling that you are continually picking on her faults.

The bottom line is that we need the reminder of the importance of balancing our focus. Domination is about power and control. However, with that comes responsibility. One who misuses this power by always focusing on the negative risks being abusive. This is intolerable in our way of life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 15, 2009


Punishments are a part of the BDSM lifestyle. Whenever one is in the control of another, there will be times when an adjustment in attitude or behavior is warranted. This is simple a fact of being in this way of life. For those who do not have the fortitude to punish, you might want to consider something else. This is for those who have the mettle to do what is unpopular at times. Often, a Dom/Master needs to stand on principle.

That being said, it seems that punishments are well glorified on the Internet. We all have seen the pics of a woman strung up and beaten with a stick. Nevertheless, this is not punishment. Rather, it is an exploitation of our way of life. The casual voyeur prefers the sadistic as compared to the tame. If one is interested in selling videos, the fantasy is what is played out.

Pain is often a terrible motivator. As mentioned my book, An Owned Life, there are some subs who adore the pain. Punishing them by inflicting pain is the equivalent of giving a child an ice cream cone. The impact might not be what you desire.

Punishments are all about discipline. The goal is to implement the discipline to have her behave in a preferred way. They are not necessarily a method implemented for mistakes. Everyone is human so errors are going to take place. However, there still are instances where behaviors are repeated and warrant a change. This is where punishments come into play.

The main goal is the growth of a sub/slave. Punishments are a means used to help this person reach his/her potential. They are not intended to be malicious. Rather, they are done to stress a lesson. Usually it was something that was missed the first couple of times.

Many feel that punishments are mean. Any parent will know how untrue this statement is. Punishments often are the most loving thing one can do. We discipline our children because we care about them and we want them to have the proper tools for success. The same goes for a sub/slave. My preference is for her to fulfill her potential by becoming the best person she can be. Sometimes, it is necessary to alter her course of action if I feel she is heading down the wrong path. It is my responsibility as a Master.

The point is to understand that punishments need to fit the situation. There are many who seem to think that every minor mistakes deserves the harshest of treatment. This is incorrect. A sub/slave needs to feel the freedom to make mistakes while understanding that corrective action will be given in the proper dosage. Going overboard in this area is what I consider abuse. And, in my mind, the lifestyle has no room for abusers.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Give Yourself The Freedom

In my book, An Owned Life, I wrote about the 3 Step Submission Process. Many seem to think that finding a Dom/Master to submit to is the most important part of this process. They believe that the person that is chosen will determine the success or failure of the M/s relationship. Unfortunately for them, this is completely false.

Before anyone is capable of submitting, or dominating for that matter, a great deal of internal work is first necessary. We all live in a world where we are conditioned by society to believe certain things. It is impossible for any of us to escape this reality. We have parents, religious entities, and the media all promoting certain belief systems. By the time we are in our teens, this conditioning is deeply ingrained in us.

One of the major precepts we are taught is equality among the sexes. Gender equality is one of the dominating issues over the last 40 years. While this is a good move from a societal standpoint, it is something that doesnt ring true for many individuals. There are a great number of people who prefer to celebrate the gender differences.

In the D/s or M/s relationship, we see how the power is split in an uneven fashion. Many times this will fall among the traditional sex lines. However, with all the Mistresses and male subs out there, we see that domination can be natural for a female also. The bottom line is that a relationship that goes against equality is at odds with society in general.

The reason I bring all this up is to make you aware of the fact that you will have to seriously consider breaking free from your old thinking. That is the most important part of the submission process. We need to internally investigate what we believe is true for us. This takes courage. Many prefer to simply follow the path laid out for them by society. Sadly, this often ends in misery.

It takes strength to give yourself the freedom to accept the way that you want to live. We often are going to suffer rejection at the hands of those closest to us. Society is a mechanism which promotes captivity. Everyone is trying to put people in a little box where they can be manipulated. We claim to be free but few really are.

Go to school, get an education, get a job, meet someone nice (of the opposite sex), get married, have kids, live happily ever after. This is the mantra we are often taught. Following this path will lead to success and happiness is what we are told. As we all know, this is a lie. The majority of the population suffers from depression of some sort. They live in captivity.

Today, I implore you to stop doing this yourself. If you are remotely interested in this way of life, approach it with an open-mind. Resist the temptation to judge since you will be implementing old beliefs. Society frowns upon how we live. That is a given. Accept that your entry into this will put you at odds with most you know. Few care enough to take the time to understand what we are involved in. Thus, we resist even mentioning to them what we do.

The BDSM world is a wonderful way to live for those who are right for it. Many who went through this process found the happiness that was lost in traditional relationships. They were able to give themselves the freedom to choose how they want to live. For us, this is how we were meant to be. Give yourself the same chance.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 14, 2009

Be Mindful of Your Energy

Energy level affects all areas of our life. Each of us has experienced those days where we just had no energy. Those are the times where we waste the entire day watching reruns on TNT. A simple act such as heading to the kitchen is even difficult. Everything we do takes great effort. We need to force ourselves to move in any direction.

What is happening at these moments? Quite simply, we are low on energy. The "life" was drained right out of us. We are in dire need of recharging our batteries before we can move on. Often the best thing to do is to just lay there. A day spent relaxing will inevitably yield tremendous returns in the energy department.

Why do I bring this up and what does it have to do with BDSM? The reason I am doing this is because this is something that Doms/Masters need to be mindful of. Their energy level affects how they interact with all they are involved with. And, since these people take on the responsibility for others, it is easy for them to get drained.

The psychology field coined a term "energy vampires" (aka psychic vampires). Simply this is a person or thing that saps one's energy. We all have them in our lives and the key is to reduce them. People who we are closest to are often the ones most responsible for doing this to us. They can come in the form of kids, parents, spouses, and sub/slaves. Everywhere we turn we can see how they each take a little of us.

As most of you know, I am a poly Master. This means that I have the typical issues with a relationship but doubled. There are times which are very trying for me emotionally. This will sap my energy quicker than anything. Emotional situations take a lot out of me.

For this reason, I am mindful of where I am at energetically. I often do not sleep well which affects me the next day. There are times one is asking for something and I have to refuse. Being a Dom/Master does not make one Superman. In fact, our humanness has a way of rearing its head quite often. Just like everyone else needs to take care of themselves, so do we.

There are a lot of aspects to be a good Dom/Master. Being able to manage oneself is the first criteria. If you cannot get a handle on yourself, you will not be able to lead another. This is true in all walks of life. Be sure to monitor where you are energetically each day and do what is required to get yourself to the needed level. Your relationship will go a lot smoother if you do.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 13, 2009

Hard Limits

What is a hard limit? It seems like the definition ought to be pretty straight forward. A hard limit is a line that a sub/slave cannot or will not cross. Hence we use the word hard as opposed to soft. You can pretty much write that one in stone. It is an action that a slave simply cannot take for whatever reason. To try to push one past this point will have severe consequences.

There are many examples of hard limits. Most, but not all, limits tend to deal with past abuses. Some simply have not received the necessary therapy to deal with things such as rape, violence, or molestation. Certain activities are sure to "remind" the sub/slave of the past events. This is something which might cause more psychological damage. Thus, any hard limit ought to be avoided.

As you can see, a hard limit is something that stems from something pretty severe. It is not to be taken lightly. However, I see many online who do that very thing. They claim that many actions are hard limits simply because they do not want to do the activity. This is disrespectful to the lifestyle and also diminishing to those who suffered the aforementioned ill treatment. This is not something to joke about.

Just because a sub/slave finds something to be unappealing, or even revolting, does not mean that is a hard limit. For example, a Dom/Master who tells one to suck a homeless guys cock. While that might be filthy and disgusting, it is not a hard limit. Sucking cock is something that most can do. Just because they do not like what that cock is attached to is of no consequence. It is not a hard limit. An obedient sub/slave will adhere to the instructions.

Fear is a big driver of the reasons why one will throw out the hard limit line. The fact that one fears the unknown tells me that there is no basis for putting on a limit. I saw a number of instances where a sub/slave claimed something was a hard limit only to ultimately enjoy the activity. The fear wasn't based upon past experiences. In these cases it was a fear of the unknown and projecting which caused her to resist. Again, this does not qualify as a hard limit.

The final point I want to make is that degree of difficulty is also not a barometer to go by. Just because one is asked to do something that is not easy, does not entitle her to claim a hard limit. Do what you are told and give it your best effort. That is the place of a submissive. Her place is to learn to overcome the challenges that she is confronted with the help of her Dom/Master.

People who continually throw out the hard limit line end up hurting themselves. It is like continually crying "fire". After a few false alarms, others are not so quick to respond. One who says something is a hard limit only to easily surpass it will find their Dom/Master hesitant to believe them the next time around. The trust level in that area was tarnished. He has no basis to believe this time is the truth. Therefore, a sub/slave might be put into a situation which could potentially harm her. The way to avoid this is to be prudent with the claims that something is a hard limit.

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August 12, 2009

Courageous Way Of Life

Choosing to live the BDSM life is something that takes courage. We are involved in what many deem an "alternative lifestyle". Selecting to live this way opens one to the ridicule and degradation of family/friends. To stand up to this pressure often requires courage. Without it, many are tempted to return what is considered "normal".

There is another aspect that few consider. This way of life goes contrary to what we are conditioned by society. Therefore, many of our own internal beliefs stand in our way of committing to this entirely. I personally felt this internal strife. It is something that can take some time to resolve.

For those who never engaged in the internal self study required to truly decide on this way of life, it can be a task that is daunting. Only the courageous truly look within for their answers. It is far easier to go through life looking at everyone else. The most popular pastime these days is blame. We blame others for all our ills. This is not how we learn to grow.

BDSM is a way of life. It is something that we consciously chose to live in. There was and still is pressure from many external forces to abandon what we do. Many will tell us they only want our happiness only to chastise us when we find it. The truth is that people only want what fits their definition of happiness. Straying outside those bounds causes them to attack.

One must be prepared to face the challenges. There is a lot more than just opting to get involved in BDSM and selecting someone who fits what you are looking for. You need to consider all the ramifications of your decision. How will your children be affected? Is there an ex who can use society's lack of understanding against you? These are all questions that should be considered before moving forward. Arriving at these answers at a later time will only cause conflict.

Alternative lifestyles can be wonderful if they are the right fit. However, never think for a moment that things suddenly will get easier because you elect this route. The truth is that often your path just got a lot harder.

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The Right Way

There are many who feel there is only one way to live the BDSM lifestyle. This is a conclusion I draw based upon the obtuse posts that people put online. Many seem to feel that what they know is the only acceptable to live in the BDSM world. Sadly, that is completely incorrect.

This is something that we witness in the online world almost exclusively. Those who live in real time know that each relationship is different. Masters might compare some of the things they do but, in the end, each person is different. This is equally true for slaves. They all differ in their abilities and desires.

My regular readers know that I am not a proponent of the "one size fits all" concept. Many seem to think there is one way to live this lifestyle. I found that those people are looking for the "rituals" they see online. Therefore, they believe that anything which deviates from that model is incorrect.

The problem with this mindset is that most of the rituals do not cross over into real life. The work wonderfully in the role play world yet become a hindrance in real time. There are certain situations where dealing with those who are not part of the lifestyle is necessary. One cannot realistically kneel at his/her work when the Master or Mistress enters. It simply is not practical.

Those who are experienced in this life know there are a variety of ways to run a relationship. Ultimately, the Dom/Master involved determines the course. This is an individual concept based upon the experience and desires of that person. To judge how another behaves is not our place. If it works for them, so be it. At the end of the day, it is up to each to decide their own happiness. Living according to the ideas of someone else is what led us to seek out this way of life in the first place. We need not duplicate that mistake by succumbing to the beliefs of others.

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August 11, 2009

Those Who Scream The Loudest

Does anyone remember Joe Isuzu. He was a character in the Isuzu commercials a number of years back. He use to make all kinds of outrageous claims followed by "Trust Me". Of course, this was said with a smile that resembles the one on the cat after eating the canary.

I bring this trip down memory lane up to emphasize how words mean little. Joe Isuzu was know for asking people to trust him. Naturally, most saw right through him. It is like buying a used car from a guy named "Honest Ed". The odds are great that he is less than honest.

Those who need to proclaim to be something usually are not. This is the way it is. True people do not need the self promotion to convince others of how they are. This is reflected in what they do and how they carry themselves. If I have to tell you how successful I am, the odds are that I am not.

I see many online who have to "scream" to get their point across. They take the approach "I am right, you are wrong". Yet, when one takes a look at who they are, we quickly learn they are nothing more than online trouble makers. The truth is they have no basis in reality. Online "Masters" or "slaves" are living in a world of fantasy. They know nothing when it comes to living in a real live BDSM relationship.

The online community has many ways to distinguish one's "place". The use of capital versus lower cased letters in the names is a prime example. I guess this is okay. But, what really get me, is the Y/you type writing. Who talks like that in real life other than someone who stutters. Perhaps those are the people they are trying to get across to. Nevertheless, the ones who use this writing are the ones who believe they have a clue as to what real time entails. They do not.

I have met many people who spent decades living this way of life. They are not into all this horse and nanny stuff we see online. They are too busy living. The online community has the people who want to claim to instantly be a Master. Being a medium that hides one's identity, this is difficult to uncover. However, put that same person in a real life situation with other Masters and he will be uncovered for the fraud he is.

Be wary of those screaming the loudest. When one is jumping from site to site causing havoc, it is usually a sign this person does not drift from the virtual world. One thing I noticed about the old-time BDSM people, they will express a view if asked. Other than that, they are going about their life.

Remember that nobody ever erected a statue for a critic.

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August 10, 2009

Can't Pick and Choose

Of late, I am focusing on the Master/slave aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. I am doing this because this tends to be an area where there is a great deal of misinformation. Since the commitment level is higher in terms of submission, the opportunity exists for many to get hurt. Much of this pain stems from the fact that people are ill-informed about what this way of life is all about.

I mentioned numerous times that what separates M/s from any other lifestyle is the complete and absolute exchange of power. This is the foundation for this way of life which all else is built upon. Simply, the slave cedes all power and control over to the Master/Mistress. Nothing is retained. The transference is complete.

Amazingly, this single idea is confused to all hell. I see too many who want to pick and choose where they will obey. This is not how it works. If this is the lifestyle you desire, then find someone who is willing to accept a sub where there are limits set for the power. However, if you want to call yourself a slave, then be willing to accept the way the life is.

Without a doubt, hard limits will exist. There are a variety of reasons for this. The most common one is the fact that many suffer the psychological effects of past abuse. In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how handling the psychology of the lifestyle in a safe manner is crucial. Many have not had the help necessary to overcome these pass abuses. For that reason, a Master (Mistress) needs to be aware and conscious of these limits.

That being said, there are many things which are not hard limits yet some try to claim they are. This is manipulative and a reason for release. Someone who is suited to be a sub should not try and pretend to be a slave. This is a way of life which few can excel at. It takes humility, patience, and effort to learn to live as a 24/7 slave. Everything we are taught as a society goes against the nature of this lifestyle. It is almost as if one needs to unlearn all that he or she was taught before learning more.

Once the submission occurs, the only choice involved is on the part of the Master. A slave is responsible for being obedient and making a Master's life easier. It is not her (or his) place to attempt to dictate the terms of the arrangement. That should be handled before the submission. Once the decision is made to move forward, one needs to live with the consequences of that choice.

There are times when one is told to do something that is repulsive to her. Well, that is the lifestyle. Many fail to consider the fact that there are times when he or she will be overlooked in favor of others. A Master is the one who chooses how time is spent and with whom. The position of a slave is to wait until her Master decides to focus upon her. This could be a few hours or weeks. The choice is his.

It seems that the Internet glorifies and romanticizes this way of life. I presume it is similar to how Hollywood makes marriage appear. The romantic films of old made it seem like all marriages were heavenly. We know that reality is far different. The same is true here. Reality is that the M/s way of life has many facets which are orgasmic. However, there are just as many things which are downright frustrating. A M/s relationship is work. Anyone entering this way of life must be willing to put in the effort.

So, in conclusion, a slave's place is to obey. He or she is not at liberty to discard what the Master says. Real time people know there are consequences for disregarding instructions. The ultimate fate will be release. No Master wants to continually deal with a disobedient slave. Repeated activity to this degree will alert him to the fact that perhaps this person belongs in a D/s relationship. As I mentioned, few can truly handle this way of life. The power of choice is removed at submission.

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August 9, 2009

Who To Submit To?

I write a great deal about the importance of following the submission process in my book An Owned Life. To me, this is a crucial area where many screw up. They put the cart before the proverbial horse. This leads to the failing of the relationship at a later point.

I also put in a number of questions that both Doms and subs need to ask themselves. An additional set of questions I am going to put down here. They relate to the submission process while allowing one to make better decisions.

Online, many will submit to anyone who will take them. I wonder if these people would do the same thing in real life. I can only presume they would. Their self confidence must be so low that they will take anyone who says "yes". This is what causes some of the major heartache that I witness.

I devised a list of questions which will help one to determine who he or she is dealing with. They are for a sub/slave to ask before submitting. The answers provided will offer insight into the capabilities of that person.

1. How long has he or she been involved in this lifestyle?
2. Up to this point, how many real time relationships (in this lifestyle) was this person involved in?
3. Why did he or she choose this way of life?
4. What caused the breakup of the last relationships (if there were any)?
5. Is he or she poly or is there in an interest in pursuing that in the future?
6. What are his/her ideas on punishments?
7. If the interaction is online, what is the procedure used to get this relationship into real time?
8. What is his/her home address, phone number, place of employment, marital status, and number of children? Be willing to get proof of each.
9. Is he/she going to ultimately relocate or will you?
10. Will you be allowed.required to work and if not, will he/she be able to support you?
11. What about children? If you have one (some) where does this person believe they enter into the lifestyle? How does he/she deal with that responsibility?
12. Is he/she experienced in BDSM play and running a scene?
13. Can you call/talk with the person at any hour of the day or are there only specified times he/she is available. If so, is there a valid reason for it?

These are all crucial questions to ask. It is time people stopped acting like idiots and think about what they are doing. If someone resists your inquiries by stating that a sub/slave has no right to ask that, tell him/her to go jump in a lake. This is your life we are talking about here. You have every right to make an informed decision. The proper information will allow you to do this. Follow these ideas to protect yourself.

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August 7, 2009

The True Basis of Submission

Most seem to miss the essential essence of one's submission. They seem to think that having someone under his/her control is a license to be a jerk. At the same time, they look at the small picture of "what am I getting out of this". If they would just look at the bigger picture, their relationships would be taken to a greater height.

The basic essence of submission is servitude. One submits to another because he or she wants to please the Dom/Master. Sexually this idea is rather obvious. However, when we move beyond the sex, we soon realize that this applies to all aspects of life. The position of a submissive it to make the life of the one he or she is serving easier. It is that simple.

This concept puts the dominant one in a different position. Instead of using one for the sole pleasure in the moment, a longer term view nets greater results. The training of one is often a method to enlarge his or her capabilities. My belief is the more a sub can handle, the more valuable to me she is. If she can satisfy more of my needs, I feel this will make my life a lot easier.

I see many who take the opposite track. They want to beat a sub down to reaffirm their positions. This is insane to me. First, if you have to reaffirm your position, it is usually to yourself and not the sub. Secondly, beating one down only diminishes self confidence. Dealing with someone who has no self confidence is like dealing with a beaten dog. It takes continual effort and work. To me, this gets really tiring.

The bottom line is that I operate with the belief that a sub will better serve me the more she can handle. Without this concept, I might be apt to focus on the immediate pleasure I am receiving. While I like this, there are times when it is best to forgo that in an effort to help one grow. Sometimes it is better to tortoise as opposed to the hare.

Try to take a long-term approach with your sub. See how this person can best serve you over the years as compared to just this moment. You will find your interaction with that one will change. In my experience, there is a lot more gained from this approach.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 6, 2009

An Owned Life Reviewed

Here is a testimonial that I received from someone who just purchased my latest edition of An Owned Life. It really cuts to the heart of what this book does for people who are looking at this lifestyle. I would like to give a special thanks to Jewel for writing to me.

I am about half way through Your book. You have given me the words for what I was thinking & feeling. When Master first suggested trying this new lifestyle. Master repeated himself a lot about how this was to my benefit more than for his. How with my personality, he thought I would be happier. At first I resisted (a lot). I was afraid. But I hadn't realized that was what I was feeling. I was afraid Master would change., That maybe Master would go "power crazy". That he would take away the other things in life that I enjoyed: my cross stitch, my friends, etc. That he would want me to change.

As time went on I realized that I didn't have any thing to base me fears on the more I wanted to serve & the happier I have become. I still have all of my friends, I still have my free time to do my cross stitch, Master doesn't try to make me do more of things that were his responsibility before we started down this path. In fact he gets upset with me for trying to do to much & teaching me in accepting the signs I get when my body starts telling me that I am doing to much. Master has given me the confidence to understand that there is nothing wrong with me by accepting those limits ( I am 5' tall & only weigh 86 pounds & it took me a long time to accept that I just can't do things that I believed any adult should be able to do.)
Master With reading your book I feel much more relaxed, open & happy as I have been able to now find the words to express my feelings to my Master that I hadn't been able to find before.

Emails like these are what make writing worthwhile. I am glad that this was able to help so many of you sort out the feelings that you were having. Learn from the experience of this one and order yourself the book today.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Commmon Causes of BDSM Failure

In my book, An Owned Life, I dedicate an entire chapter detailing some of the common causes of failure in a D/s or M/s relationship. This is something that few really think about when they are entering into this type of situation. Usually, they are so "gaga eyed" over the "One" that they miss some of the most basic things.

Many seem to think that a relationship in the lifestyle is somehow different than in any other walk of life. In the end, the fact that we are dealing with a relationship means that many of the same components required for success elsewhere are needed here. Basic interpersonal skills still apply. The fundamental difference is how the power is broken down. Other than that, our relationships mirror most others.

Without going into everything that is listed in the book (yes I have to leave some reason for you to buy it), I will spell out the most common reason for failure in our relationships. Many will seek something magical or far out. The truth is that when one considers all relationships, this holds true no matter what the lifestyle choice.

Of all the BDSM relationships I saw over the years, the main reason most of them failed in incompatibility among the people involved. It is that simple. The relationships ended because people were incompatible with each other. They had little in common other than one being dominant and the other submissive. That is like saying a marriage will work because one is male and the other female. The odds are slim in that situation.

Many are so excited to get into a relationship they overlook this simple point. New people are drawn by the allure of ropes, paddles, servitude, and submission/domination. Few take time to realize that the sexual, and even the scene, aspects of this lifestyle comprise only a small percentage. After all that ends, what else is there? This is where the compatibility comes into play.

Does he or she make you laugh? Do you enjoy similar activities? Is there an interest in business, the arts, sports, etc...? What are you going to do with the other person once the scene ended and life set in? These are all questions to ask during the "dating" part of the relationship. Too many try to figure this out after the submission took place. It is too late then. The time to uncover all of this is before you make the commitment to the other person.

This seems like common sense. Sadly, if what I witness is any indication, few take the time to look at this. They, instead, are so preoccupied with getting someone to submit to them (or accept their submission) that all else is overlooked. Remember this idea as you are talking with others. Ask yourself if the BDSM was removed, would there be something there? If not, it might be a sign of problems in the future.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 5, 2009

The Process of Submitting

This is something that you would think that is fairly straight forward. Nevertheless, it is something that I see messed up on a regular basis. The sad fact is that if someone errs during the submission process, then he or she is likely going to sabotage any chance at success in a BDSM relationship.

I cover the three step submission process in detail in my book, An Owned Life. Too often I see submissive people try to find someone to Dom them right off the bat. To me, this is like trying to find a husband before determining your sexuality. If you are mistaken, there will be problems in your marriage. It is the same here.

Submitting to another is an important choice. However, the decision to be true to oneself is the most important thing that any person can do for him or herself. So many live in a way that is dishonest to them. They believe what society tells them is best for them. Rarely do people take the time to question the choices on how they live.

Most of us know this feeling firsthand. The reason why I am in this lifestyle is because I never fit in to the traditional way of life. There was something that did not fit for me. Thus, before anything, I had to determine the way of life that worked best for me. This is where my process started.

Submitting to another is wonderful. It is important to do things in the proper order. To have success in a BDSM relationship, it is necessary to have the right foundation. This will establish a firm footing for your relationship to exist.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 4, 2009

An Owned Life

I am very pleased to announce the release of the second edition of the highly successful, An Owned Life. This publication is changing how people think about the BDSM world and M/s in particular.

In this edition we reveal:

-The Three Step Submission Process
-How this life is consensual by both parties and nobody is forced into anything.
-Traits to look for in a Master and what constitutes a fake
-The psychology of controlling as opposed to using fear
-Common causes of failure of a M/s relationship

This is a lifestyle which offers so much to those who take the time to get through all the myths and misconceptions. There now is a book to arm yourself with all the knowledge you will need to make a sound choice about this way of life. It was written with the intention of dispelling all the garbage that exists regarding M/s.

It is a must read for all who are interested in a fulfilling alternative lifestyle.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 3, 2009

Respect For A Master

It seems to me that many believe the only qualification to be a Master is to establish a profile in a chat room (with capital letters) and say that you are a Master. This means that anyone who is a sub is automatically required to show you respect. It is something that comes along with the position. Once again, virtual strays from reality.

I witnessed this same behavior at munches. Any fool can show up and claim to be a Master. Thus, he expects people to respect his position. It matters little that this person never was in a M/s relationship nor have any knowledge about our lifestyle.

These scenarios are played out everyday. Let me ask you a question: does someone deserve the title "Doctor" just because he or she says so. Of course not. The title is acquired after years of schooling and passing the proper testing to receive certification. The same is true for attorneys, accountants, and reverends. Before one can call oneself something, knowledge and experience is required.

My journey into the chat rooms are always for research purposes. I am amazed how people think what they are doing is real. I see sub calling every dom in there Master. What is that? How many Masters does she have? The only ones who call me Master are the ones who submitted to me. To all others I am Sir. That is showing respect for the position without disrespecting the one who actually owns her.

So, why do people refer to another as Master without knowing if that person is worthy of that title? This shows the online insanity that exists out there. Would you go to a doctor without knowing if they had the proper certifications to practice medicine? Would you give one who only thought about going into medicine two days ago the title of doctor. Most likely not.

The bottom line is that respect is something that is earned through actions. I can claim to be whatever I want to be. However, to earn respect, especially from another who is in that field, I better know what I am referring to. The same is true for the M/s world. Trust me when I tell you that those who are real time Masters can see through many who are pretending. Virtual is not reality. Reality starts when you are in the same zip code.

My message today is to resist the temptation to pay homage to someone just because he says he is worthy of it. If you encounter one who demands that from you in a chat room, simply ask him to list his qualifications as a Master. You would like to know how many have submitted to him and consummated the relationship by actually getting in front of him in person. Also, you are interested when he first got into the lifestyle and what lessons he learned over the years. Finally, ask him how he transitions from online into real time. Then, if you are provided satisfactory answers, then you will show him the respect that a Master deserves.

By the way, if you see me in a chat room anywhere, you can refer to me as Dennis. After all, it is my name.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

August 2, 2009

An Abusive Dom

This is a question that is often ask: what do I do if I am with someone who is physically abusive? While there can be many layers to this question the answer is always to get away.

Whether we are referring to an M/s or a D/s relationship, there is no room for abuse in our lifestyle. If one is living with an abusive person, my feeling is that leaving is the best idea. I feel this is true in both the traditional world and in all alternative lifestyles. There is never a call for this type of behavior whether it is physical or psychological. If one has a drinking, drug or some psychological problem that causes them to be abusive, remaining in the situation is not helping. There is never an excuse for abuse.

The other thought that comes to mind when I read this question is when one is dealing with a physically abuse person during a scene. Sadly, the wrong time to find this out is when one is already tied to the bed. My only answer is to do your due diligence ahead of time. When you are seeking a Dom, be sure to look for one who is experienced. This will reduce the likelihood of abuse. Also, have someone with you during the scene. While it might be a bit embarrassing having someone else watch you "in all your glory", it is a sure-fire way to fend of abuse. If things get out of hand, that person can step in to protect you.

A final way to protect yourself is through the use of a safe word. Many Doms, especially when they are new, will get a bit out-of-hand unintentionally. A safe word allows you to tell him (her) to cease all activity immediately. This is another line of defense against being inadvertently mistreated.

Unfortunately, we cannot protect against all ills that exist out there. However, using some common sense to protect yourself will go a long way. The best method is to get to know the one you are seeking to interact with. If possible, talk with someone else he (she) was involved with to see how that turned out. References are a terrific way to verify the experience and abilities of a Dom.

As always, we stress safety in this lifestyle. It is the highest priority of everyone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

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