August 18, 2011

Domination Through Bullying

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.


Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.


One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

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August 6, 2011

Know Your Limitations

Knowing your limitations is a helpful concept no matter what walk of life one chooses. However, it seems to me that many on the dominant side of the BDSM world have not grasped this concept. Instead, they believe they can handle everything and present a 'complete package' to the world. This is not true.

The Human Condition

The human condition is something that cannot be escaped. No matter what one tries to do, at the end of the day, he or she is still human. Of course, this can present problems if one is putting forth the notion that he or she is infallible. Mistakes are a part of this equation and people need to own up to that fact. Too often, either the dominant and/or a submissive, will put that person on a pedestal. This is a situation which only establishes a downfall.

At the same time, we are all limited in some capacity. To start, human beings have to deal with the element of time. This means that one can focus upon whatever he or she selects. However, it is impossible to concentrate one's attention on everything. Like the old saying, you can have anything you want, you just cant have everything. We have to make choices based upon personal priorities about which we deem important.

Therefore, the idea that we are perfect or adept in every area is misleading. The online world makes it easier to present this image since the realities of life are often masked. Being 'virtual' enables one to smooth the rough spots by hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately, if something is going to progress, the truth needs to be revealed. Perhaps this is why so many opt to remain in the online domain.

Honest Appraisal

For one to be able to learn what limitations exist, first it is crucial that one have the ability to honestly assess the situation. This is where problems can arise. Often, as human beings, we have a slanted opinion of ourselves. What this means is that many lack the ability to be honest with themselves. Instead, they will 'soften' the truth. It is not uncommon for one to state "I am late once in a while" when, in fact, he or she is always tardy. The point is that we routinely need the outside assistance of others to get an accurate assessment of ourselves.

Of course, there are many glaring defects which the individual might be aware of right off the bat. For example, it might be evident that a person suffers from procrastination. In fact, this person might beat him or herself up repeatedly about the inability to overcome this issue. Either way, the truth needs to be uncovered.

Routine self-appraisal is something that I see lacking about the online BDSM world especially among the dominant ones. These are individuals who seem to believe they have it all together. It is apparent in the way they handle themselves. Oh the bravado. Sadly, this is all it is. Anyone who claims to be on this level is truly delusional.

This weekend was a reminder of my limitations. I will stray outside the BDSM environment to mention something on a personal note. My daughter graced us with a visit after some months of being absent. While on decent terms, this is a relationship which saw me as the absent parent. This has left me ill-equipped to deal with the circumstances that come with a teenager. In other words, my parenting skills are lacking a bit.

My point here is that I had to own up to the fact that I have limitations in this arena. Since I have no practical experience in dealing with a creature of this nature (and I am starting to question whether the teen years allow one to exist as part of the human condition), I had to invite the assistance of another. Fortunately, my slave went through life with a teenage girl so she has greater understanding (and patience) for what they bring. This is an occasion where I admitted my limitations.

This concept applies to all aspects of our lives. Too often, we try to do too much. This is especially true of those who are really driven. Motivation is a wonderful thing, yet it can cause one to be overwhelm. Being able to own up to the fact that one reached a limit is a healthy exercise. Those who pretend the opposite is true are dangerous people. They are the ones who tend to overstep the bounds and that is where people can get hurt. This is true either for him/herself or another in that person's care. Safety often ceases to be an ability with a person of this ilk. Keep that in mind.

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