Out of Control

I want to relate to you a story that was told to me that can apply to the BDSM lifestyle.  There was a guy who had counseled others for about 20 years.  This guy was one who knew all the right things to say.  In fact, when needed, he could get a bit harsh with people in an effort to get them to stop deluding themselves.  However, he was also one who didnt practice what he preached.  It was unveiled that this gentleman, a person who assisted others with their emotional situations, had a great deal of road rage (I am sure there were other things but this is what I was told).  Ultimately, this is what caused his early demise.  It seems he had a habit of driving in excess of 100 mph to work (he traveled through a remote area).  As you can guess, one morning his luck ran out.  The sad part of this story is that he died in a head on collision with another vehicle while trying to pass on a double yellow line.  Therefore, he lack of emotional control not only cost him his life, but the life of an innocent person. 

The reason why I bring this up is because I see so many in the BDSM community (especially online) who have lives that are completely out of control.  What causes me dismay is these people claim to be "Masters".  Masters of what is my question.  If someone cannot control their own life, how can they expect to control that of another person?  To me, this is just common sense.  I recently was watching a motivational video and there was a phrase that really struck me: if you cant handle cleaning the dishes properly, how can you expect to properly run a fortune 500 company?  I see this same analogy applying to "Masters".  If a person's (dominant) life is a total mess, I find it hard to believe that he or she will be able to adequately run that of another.

Out of control people are that way for a reason.  It is the habits and knowledge that we apply that lead to the results we get.  Take the area of money.  Many people are flat broke.  For some, this is an understandable outcome of some trying circumstances.  However, there are others who simply are inadequate at the managing of finances.  Sadly, it is these same people who demand that a slave turn all her wages over to him.  For what reason?  All evidence points to the fact that he will simply waste the money.  Why?  His ability in this area is out of control.  He is one who is ill suited for this responsibility.  Until one can do for oneself, he or she cannot do for another.

Remember this the next time you encounter someone who is going to be in a position to make decisions in your life.  What is his/her success rate on their own.  Just because someone talks about emotional control, that doesnt mean that he is cured of his road rage.  And, as the aforementioned story indicated, the outcomes can be catastrophic.

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The Bullcrap

We all know that there is a lot of garbage that takes place online involving this way of life. Each of us has a story about how someone misled or lied to us. There was the online interaction with that person who was so real only to find out one day he/she up and vanished. The tales are endless regardless the heartbreak that occurs online. Nevertheless, it is something that must be overcome.

Commitment

One needs to be committed to this way of life. This can be difficult for those whose first experience is a horrible one. The only thing I can say is to hang in there. If you are one who is designed to live this way, then it is imperative that you remain committed to that end. Without it, I feel people end up drifting aimlessly.

Many find BDSM online and approach it like buying a car. They are "going to test the waters". This is done by signing up for a site and finding someone to be involved in. Since there are so many who are willing online, this can take place in a matter of days. Naturally, since there was very little contact, each party has no real knowledge of the other. After a few weeks, or perhaps a month, we find our new person completely turned off to this way of life because what was presented turned out to be lies. Hence the "water testing" is complete.

Was this person designed for BDSM? There is no way to tell. So many fall into the same trap. Over the years, I have stressed how crucial it is to make time your ally. Do not rush into anything. Operate from the premise that you have the rest of your life to live this way and learn all you can. Knowledge is the one true way to sift through the bull crap that exists online. The pretenders games are rather easy to see through once you are adept at recognizing their signs. Of course, this takes commitment.

Resolve

Have you ever met someone who had a resolve to accomplish something. This person, at times, will come off as stubborn or bullheaded. The reason for this is because that determined focus cannot be swayed. A person with a high resolve in a particular area had committed entirely in his or her mind that the outcome desired is exactly how it is going to be. And that individual is going to do everything possible to make that come true.

Success in the BDSM world, especially when dealing with the online antics, requires this resolve. I have a simple question for you: who's life is it anyway? If one is going to be swayed by the actions of some anonymous person who really is nothing more than a screen name, then what does that say about his/her ability to decide the direction of life? The truth it says that one gives power over to others (and not in a healthy BDSM way either). A lack of resolve means that one is willing to forgo something potentially wonderful because of a bad experience.

Here is another question: how many of you had a bad dating experience? What I mean by this, did you ever get involve with someone where emotional pain was the result? The answer for most all of us is "yes". So, how come people still date in spite of the bad experience? Certainly, after one heart-wrenching situation, the person would at least change sexual orientation. How come this does not occur? The reason is that people, when it comes to dating, have the resolve to move past the prior situation in hopes of finding something wonderful. Even without buying into the fairy tale, we know that relationships can be very fulfilling. Nevertheless, few of us ever get the first one (or ten) right. We persevere in spite of the pain that is caused at times.

Persistence

Ultimately, we need to cast all the bull crap aside. To start, this is part of the online world (I could make the case it is also a major part of life in general). It is not exclusive to BDSM. Any online arena is going to witness the same antics. The methodology does not change. Anonymity offers some positives and negatives. It is the nature of the medium called the Internet so we might as well accept it.

However, that does not mean that we all what occurs to alter our direction. If you are a submissive seeking to live under the control of another, then that is something that you should seek. Persist in your endeavor to live that way. Do not back off it no matter what you encounter. I will promise that if you spend enough time online, liars, scammers, and dishonest people are a part of your future. That is not meant to get you down but, rather, make you aware of what occurs. At the same time I will tell you to brush off the negative garbage you encounter and show some persistence. We are seeking a "needle in a haystack" so effort is required. As mentioned in the dating world, few of us get things right the first time.

If you are committed to finding what you need in this lifestyle, resolve to that outcome, and are persistent in your actions, then you will find BDSM success. It is not an easy path, especially online, but it is well worth it. I wish you the best.

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BDSM Lifestyle Versus Play

What do you like about BDSM? Why are you involved? What is it that attracted you and what do you want to get out of it? Questions such as these will determine the direction one opts to take with this genre known as BDSM. As with most things in life, the answers will be individual in nature. Each person is different with goals and aspirations that are personal. That being said, the arena we are in is large enough to fit everyone.

BDSM Scenes

Most find this way of life through the imagery presented on the Internet. We all have noticed the "porn" based pictures and videos promoted by the X-rated industry. Intending to sell more of their product, the World Wide Web is flooded with images depicting the BDSM lifestyle as a sex and bondage show. While there is some realism to what is presented in that some of us implement parts of what is seen, few of us live that way on a daily basis. The truth is we have lives to live.

There are many whose sole interest in BDSM is to "wake things up in the bedroom". If one enters this arena for the main purpose of enhancing the sex in one's relationship, then that is the answer the person is seeking. Many utilize BDSM for role playing and some of the other fetishes offered. These people seek nothing more than play and should not be considered in the "lifestyle". However, they should not be degraded for their decisions either.

At the same time, there are those who engage in BDSM for the "scening" only. What this means is the person wants to be involved in non-committed power exchange scenes. Some will utilize the services of a professional while others will attend munches or clubs where this activity is commonplace. Again, the sole purpose is some short-term satisfaction usually, but not always, on a physical level. Even those who follow this course for some emotional or mental benefit do so on a limited basis.

Please hear me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with adapting aspects of BDSM for play only. This is a wonderful way to enhance one's sex life and if things got a bit stale, BDSM is a way to liven things up. Bondage, power exchange, and impact play are done by millions of couples even without the foreknowledge that they are involving themselves with BDSM. The goal is to follow whatever makes one happy.

BDSM Lifestyle

The word lifestyle is a term that I never truly liked. Nevertheless, it is fitting in the sense that it denotes those people who have a deeper commitment to this way of life than just scening. When I look at BDSM, it is not a lifestyle I chose as much as it is my life. This is what I live each day. I do not awaken and opt for a dominant role but, rather, simply fall into it. Interacting with one who is submissive is natural to me because of what is within me. This is not something that is created or developed as much as it is uncovered. It took a while and was a bit of a process. And it is something that most who pursue this path deeply undergo.

To me, those who choose this as a lifestyle have a power exchange relationship at the core of their lives (or desire one). This is a distinction from those who want to add a little spice to their lives. Many are perfectly content with a relationship based upon equality. However, those of us who found our way here realized at some point that was not for us. A dominant wishes to have the power tilted in his/her favor while a submissive is desiring that same dynamic. While the areas that power exchange pertains to varied from each person, the common ground with all is that it exists.

Another thing that I noticed is the level of commitment that people have to this way of life. Now, I will admit that not everyone is an advocate nor willing to engage in behavior that promotes the lifestyle as a whole. However, because of the Internet, we seem more and more people voicing their opinions about matters that are important to them. There are now patches of people all over the world who hold BDSM in high regard and are willing to defend it against the nitwits out there. More of the abusers are being challenged and brought to light by those who take things seriously. This is a positive sign.

BDSM is about respect. It matters little whether one is hard core into the lifestyle or just one who likes some light bondage. Every person has a place as long as they are respectful of others and what we are about. Sadly, this is not the case for many in the online world. Yet as time passes, people are learning the tricks of these nitwits. With information and knowledge comes protection. This is a positive sign for the genre overall. So, if you are interested, enter into our world and explore whatever strikes you. It is an open arena for anyone to try.

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Safety 101

I am going to revisit a topic I wrote on extensively throughout the years but is certainly worthy of reviewing. Sadly, it seems that most do not believe or understand the magnitude of what transpires. It is because of this that many have a tendency to put themselves in a position to be harmed in a tremendous way. As always, I will keep using this pulpit to try and spread the sane message even if few are listening.

It Starts With You

Safety is a personal job. Many feel content to turn that responsibility over to the Dom/Master. While I acknowledge that this is where it does fall, the truth is that many are not worthy of this responsibility. In other words, they do not have the skills nor makeup to operate safely. For this reason, a sub or slave needs to assume full responsibility for safety until the other person exhibits the ability to handle it. To skip this step is perilous.

I was roaming around a forum on one of the sites that is often frequented by the pretenders, wannabes, and dregs of this lifestyle. This exercise is always a reminder how difficult it is when dealing with the online world, especially for submissive women who are truly interested in learning more and going further. It is an environment that is wrought with dangers at every corner. Pain, and not the enjoyable kind, is certainly in the future for most. My hope is that it is only emotional and not something more serious. Of course, we all know the stories that end up in the papers.

One of the threads I came upon was written by a know-it-all. Naturally, the inclination is to believe this was a dominant person exhibiting his "superior knowledge" of the lifestyle. It was not. The topic was titled "I am not stupid" and was written by a female submissive who is just asking to be destroyed. Her attitude shows that she has all the answers.

The basic gist of what she wrote was how she tired she is of being told by others (older men mostly) to be careful when pursuing some of her fetishes. Without going into them specifically, she was into some things where she could be harmed greatly if not careful. Of course, the warnings of others was only met with resistance since she was convinced she researched her particular likes and knew what was going on. This "know-it-all" is a predator's dream.

It is important to remember that no matter how careful one is, the BDSM world, especially the online world, is wrought with great dangers. Even the most experienced of us are apt to get "taken" periodically because it is human nature to believe the best in people. We sincerely want to think that the person on the other end of the chat is exactly whom he or she claimed. Sadly, in more than half the instances, that isnt the case. More times than not, the person is either a fake, liar, or outright misguided. Countless stories exist representing this reality.

Therefore, when dealing with the online world, take every precaution that is mentioned. All of the suggestions that are posted are worthy. You can never be too careful.

Psychological Damage

Much is written about behaving in a safe manner when doing a scene. I will attest to the importance of physical safety in all we do. It is best to interact only with those who are knowledgeable about a particular fetish. If one is not experienced, hopefully he or she is willing to train under the guidance of someone who is. This is how one attains the proper ability to act safely.

As important as physical safety it, I believe that looking for the psychological ramifications is crucial. Too many overlook this aspect especially when they are involved with someone long term. The tendency is to get complacent and use the knowledge of the other as a means of predetermining limits for each situation based upon past results. The truth is that people vary day to day meaning that taking this path could cause a lot of pain.

I find that safety often means backing off. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from time-to-time. What do I mean by this? As I mentioned, individuals have their good days and their bad ones. Subs/slaves have those times where they are really into a scene. It is under these circumstances where one is able to move towards or past certain limits. Of course, there are also those days where this person is not "on". Perhaps there is something emotional going on. Or it could be that mentally she has some barriers that cannot be overcome. Whatever the reason, in these instances, a dominant needs to be attentive to the fact that he or she might need to pull back. Sometimes less is more.

It is the same as exercising. We all had those times when we went into the gym and we were "on". In the end, we felt as if we had the best workout ever. At the same time, there were those days when we could not get anything accomplished at the gym. Those are the days we are "off" and basically trudge through a workout.

So what are the implications of moving forward when a sub/slave is not able to. One the surface it might not seem like a big deal. In fact, that person might be okay with what transpires. However, on a deeper level it is possible to cause damage. When one is pushed more than he or she is ready to accept on a given day, the possibility exists for things such as trust to be lost. A sub/slave needs to fell completely safe with the one serving. Betraying him/her by behaving in a manner that is contrary to one's best interest hits a person deeply. This is just one example of how being ignorant to this can affect one psychologically. Of course, there are many of things to be mindful of that I will write about in future posts.

The bottom line is that bruises heal. Cuts will close up. But when you harm someone psychologically, that has the ability to be imprinted deep in the psyche. For this reason, psychological safety needs to be at the top of every dominant's list. This is the most basic thing we need to do.

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Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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Spirit Versus Reality

Today I am going to delve into an area that I have yet to mention to much on here but requires further exploration. So many tend to confuse the spirit of BDSM with the actual boundaries established. With this, the idea of freedom, or lack thereof, also gets mixed up in the process. I see this take on an added level when we focus upon the M/s genre. How is one to know what is play versus reality?

Reality

Before going any further, I am going to categorically state that all I am writing about here is void of the idea of play. This topic is for people who are serious about a BDSM relationship and all that goes along with it. For those who are interested in playing, this isnt as applicable since that viewpoint carries a beginning and an end with established boundaries. In other words, once the scene ends, things move back to their previous state.

I write how important it is for one to be completely in touch with reality. Those who lose site of this tend to open themselves up to being hurt. There are many who do not have noble intentions and are apt to take advantage of one who looks at the BDSM word as some type of fairy tale. The truth is that reality always hits us sooner or later. Therefore, it is best to keep our eyes open and remain mindful of all our options.

The simple fact is that slavery is illegal in most developed countries. M/s is built upon the premise of complete power exchange that is agreed to by both parties. The consensual part removes it from the field of abuse. However, it does not make it legal. Holding a person against his or her will is a criminal act. That is reality.

Therefore, you are free to leave at any time you wish. A "Master" can claim that you are to remain, yet the law says otherwise. At the same time, you, as an individual, are free to call the authorities if activities infringe upon your basic rights. For example, many seem to feel that because they submit, then anything goes. I encountered one who was told by her Master that he could abuse her because she was owned. Not true. A call to the cops would result in a nice domestic battery charge. Being a Master does not entitle one to beat the snot out of a slave. Again, the consent does not make it legal.

The "Spirit" of BDSM

When we look at the "spirit" of BDSM we find an entirely different situation. Everything we discuss about this particular lifestyle is based upon this concept. To me, those who are able to succeed in this way of life understand this premise and operate accordingly. Those who do not, tend to be "passing through".

Again, I will utilize M/s as the premise for my discussion. When you look at living in a Master/slave situation, the fact that it is illegal in reality is only part of the equation. The other aspect that is worthy of note is the fact that this is a consensual relationship that is agreed upon by both parties. It is something that each wants resulting in a complete exchange of power. This is the structure chosen for the relationship and from which all interaction occurs.

It is at this point that things can get dicey. Even though one does legally retain his or her rights, in a M/s relationship, the spirit behind it is that they are given up. A slave has no rights other than what is granted by the Master. So while the law says one thing, the spirit of our lifestyle says another. This is the dual dichotomy that is always in operation and needs to be navigated.

Operating Sanely

The words we use can alter the meaning of something greatly. In this post, I have applied the terms reality and spirit to make a distinction. However, the truth is that both are not the best idea to use as a barometer. In reality, whether something is illegal or not has no bearing unless the law is involved. Consider the fact that sodomy is still illegal in more than 30 states yet anal sex occurs almost everyday in each of these areas. Of course, there is a world of difference between consensual sodomy and non-consensual which should require no further explanation.

Therefore, I feel it most important to behave in matters that are sane. When one is engaging in an activity that is consensual and safe, then what private individuals choose to do is of no concern to anyone else. However, when the sanity is removed and one is dealing with a danger, that is when reality needs to take over. Safety starts with the individual. Taking care of oneself is something one always needs to be mindful of. Even the most experienced Master can slip up periodically. Unfortunately, my experience is that insanity is far more common than sanity.

So, this is where I find the line is drawn. When one strays into insane behavior that is in putting one at risk, it is completely within a slave's rights to protect him/herself by saying "I am outta here". One does not have to put up with a lunatic. Abuse is not a part of the BDSM lifestyle and one needs to do all he or she can to stop the situation. This is a reality.

On the other hand, there are many BDSM relationships in which the parties are sane. At these times, the "spirit" of our lifestyle is the prevailing tenet. Everything we discuss in terms of rules, protocols, and acceptable ways of conduct apply. For example, a slave cannot leave a M/s relationship, she needs to be released. This is in keeping with the spirit of power exchange. Therefore, to up and leave a relationship which is non-abusive shows one to not respect the lifestyle and prefer to operate in ways contrary to what we are involved in. Again, while he or she is exercising a right that always exists in reality, this person is violating the spirit of the lifestyle which holds things together.

Always remember that these two aspects of the lifestyle are always in play. When there is sanity, let the spirit of this way of life be your guide. However, when one crosses over into the asinine, exercise your rights and exit that scenario quickly. There is no room for abuse within the BDSM community and, regardless of what some idiot says, you do not have to take it.

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Abuse And BDSM

It is a fact that many use BDSM as a cover so that they can engage in their abusive behavior. Many seem to think that being involved in this lifestyle entitles them to behave in any manner seen fit. At the same time, there are those who equally believe that it is their place to take "whatever is dished out". As you will see, both counts are completely false.

Consent Is At The Core

At the core of all aspects of this lifestyle is consent. Nothing should ever be undertaken that was not previously consented to. This is the fundamental premise upon which all interactions needs to be established. Anything to the contrary is taken unfair advantage of a situation and another.

BDSM contains some pretty extreme behavior. One of the most wonderful aspects of this lifestyle is that pretty much everything is on the table as long as it is agreed to. This is the caveat that many people seem to miss.

We see the abusive outlook arise when we move further down the path into the M.s genre. Here is a relationship structure that is ripe for mistreatment. The basis of complete power exchange leads one to believe that once submissive is granted, everything is acceptable. Again, we see many operating under this misinformed outlook.

Nobody Wants To Be Abused

In short, people do not want to be abused. This appears to exist as a universal trait among the human species. Certainly there are a few out there who have psychological issues where they crave harmful abuse. However, most reasonably sane individuals do not want this. Even those who love pain want it done in a safe manner.

A dominant is always responsible for ensuring that all interactions occur in a safe and sane way. Of course, this entails only entering those areas that are previously agreed upon. This takes on a more important meaning when the interaction is more casual such as in a munch setting. Since the personal knowledge of the individual is lacking, extra steps are needed to ensure that limits are not inadvertently passed.

At the same time, one who decides to submit to a particular scene is not agreeing to any and all behavior. This reminds me of situations I saw in the swinger scene. Just because one agrees to screw half the guys in the room, that does not mean she is agreeing to screw you. No still means no. I see the same logic applying here. Simply because one opens him or herself up to being used by another(s), that does not mean the same permission is necessarily granted to you.

We can also see this same idea applied to a relationship. For example, a lover of pain will desire intense beatings. However, that does not mean that he or she wants to be struck with a closed fist. The difference between a slap and a punch is self-evident. Of course, that is not to say that a closed fist shot is abusive if both parties agreed to it as part of their interaction. For a dominant to cross this line without discussing it with his/her partner, that is entering into the abusive arena.

Another aspect I want to touch upon is sexual. There are some who prefer to "share" their submissives with others. This is a concept we often see in the M/s realm since, again, the power tends to be more absolute. Again, to determine if this is acceptable or not requires us to look at the structure of the relationship. If the parties agreed to complete power exchange where whatever decision is made is acceptable, then we see that this is something that is agreed to through the submission. While some will find this completely distasteful, I encountered many who love to be used in this particular manner. Simply because something is distasteful to one, that does not make the behavior inappropriate. As long as the parties feel it is within the context of the boundaries they established, then I do not feel abuse is occurring.

The one caveat to this is if a dominant forces a submissive into a behavior that is illegal and can have ramifications from the law. A submissive always reserves the right to say no to any behavior that can lead to legal trouble.

Trust

The essential component in all this is trust. For those who enjoy extreme BDSM behavior in their relationships, inevitably, time was taken to establish great trust between the two parties. A sub/slave needs to know that the other person is intent on acting in his/her (submissive's) best interest. If one consistently forgoes safety, then trust break down rather quickly. And, as we all know, trust is much harder to reestablish.

As I mentioned, M/s is an aspect of our lifestyle where things can get fairly extreme (at least to those looking in from the outside). Too many believe that the submission from another is all that is required for the relationship to excel. Sadly, submission is something that grows with time. And, in my experience, it travels parallel to the degree of trust that is developed. One will not continue forward when another is consistently doing things that he or she deems abusive. Not considering the state of one under your control is a great prescription for destroying any relationship that might ensure. Just because a slave agrees to submit to you, that is not a license to do whatever is desired. There are still basic parameters of acceptability. And, when anyone is nearing an area that might be considered abusive, communication needs to occur.

Remember, BDSM offers the freedom to do just about anything. What many consider abusive, we experience as everyday practice. The difference is that consent is required so as to not enter into the abusive realm. Once that consent is given, enjoy yourselves to the maximum.

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Goals In BDSM

Self help and productivity experts all over the world profess the value of goal setting. The mantra is "it is impossible to get somewhere without first knowing where you are going". Obviously, there is great truth to this statement. Repeatedly, those with a clear vision of what they hope to accomplish ultimately arrive at that destination. This is remarkably different than those who opt to just "float through life" hoping to arrive at a place where they can enjoy life. Without going into details, many qualities pertain to this place which result in the fulfillment of a particular individual.

BDSM: A Microcosm of Life In General

It is always amazing to me how so many people enter the BDSM lifestyle believing that somehow they were transformed into something resembling the Twilight Zone. For whatever reason, these individuals feel that the basic laws of life are no longer valid upon entering a BDSM relationship. Obviously, there is a vast difference in how one operates in the BDSM world as compared to the vanilla lifestyle. Nonetheless, most of what was learned in the traditional realm is equally applicable.

If our lives resembled what we see in BDSM videos, then I might be persuaded to retract the aforementioned statement. However, since I know for a fact that most of us do not live in this manner 24/7, I will stand by what I wrote. The truth is that we operate within the traditional realm on a daily basis. How we choose to structure our relationships is a personal choice. Yet, this does not absolve us from interacting with other people within our community and workplace. At the same time, we know that none of us are protected from the regular problems of life. Financial, health, personal, and family are just a few of the areas where, periodically, we suffer. The approach to these situations has little to do with our chosen lifestyle. Ultimately, life is just life and we are fortunate to partake in it the same as everyone else.

The bottom line is BDSM is just a microcosm of life in general.

Where Are You Going?

Getting back to the original idea, goal setting is an exercise that answers the question: where are you going? It is something that people from all walks of life engage in. Certainly, we see the advantage to it in sports where the desired result is a championship. Business often sets sales and productivity goals as a means of laying a path for people to follow. At the same time, people, in their personal lives, establish things they would like to accomplish while on this planet. In all these situations, goals are a tool utilized to provide clarity in an uncertain world.

So, my question is how come people in the BDSM world do not do the same thing? In other words, how many of you have clearly defined outcomes in certain aspects of the BDSM lifestyle? From my interaction with others over the years, I can state that it is very few. Most people simply have the goal to be in a BDSM relationship (to live TPE, 24/7, be owned/own, etc...). While this is a wonderful starting point, it barely suffices.

I believe part of the problem is that most people want to jump from novice to expert immediately without realizing there is a progression that takes place. For instance, just because someone claims he or she is a slave, that does not mean the individual is ready to live as one today. The same is true for those professing to be Masters. It takes a while to attain competence in either of these areas. Yet few seem to realize that, at least initially.

Goals will help one to develop and grow. BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle with many aspects that stray far from the norm. Those who safely engage in some of these practices spent years learning and studying what it is all about. While this might seem obvious, the idea that is missed is that this individual, at some point in time, make it a goal to enhance the skill set in this area. Without doing some, and committing to it, one would have nothing more than a passing fancy.

Therefore, I challenge everyone to establish goals as it pertains to your BDSM life. If you havent done so already, write down what you want. Are there areas of play that you are interesting in pursuing? If so, get it on paper. What skills do you need to acquire or are required in another person to make this happen? Questions such as these allow you to expand upon the present mindset of "I want a relationship" or "I want more out of my relationship". The idea is to get specific. What is it that you want? I maintain that a BDSM relationship can only happen after an internal search is undertaken. This is a method to get you to look inward to determine what will lead you to fulfillment. Gaining clarity will help you along the path because you will have an idea of exactly where you are going.

And that will put you ahead of most people on this planet who are just floating along waiting for the next thing (whatever that is) to arise.

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Submissive Without Esteem?

A healthy self esteem is an attribute that is crucial for success in life. One only need to go to the self help section of any bookstore, read the titles, and you will realize how much emphasis is placed upon this single quality. From our esteem stems most of the actions we are capable of taking. Without going into the dynamics, it is our foundational core. Therefore, it is something that everyone, bdsm or not, should look at.

Fear And Its Ramifications

Fear is something that those who lack a healthy self esteem suffer from. People who allow fear to be their dictator end up being ones who view themselves poorly. Of course, this most likely is a subconscious thing since most people will claim to like themselves. But do they when you really think about it? Watching their behavior, I conclude they do not.

When we discuss fear, it is crucial to remember that it can manifest itself in many different ways. Most equate fear with being scared. While the "horror flick experience" is one form of fear, there are hundreds of others. Characteristics such as guilt, worry, anger, resentment, and arrogance all have their basis in fear. Ironically, one tends to exhibit fear in one or two ways repeatedly. Therefore, it is imperative to identify the manifestation and tend to the underlying problem.

Control

The problem with fear is that, when experienced, it puts us instantly into a state where we are out of control. When our mind is racing with all the possible outcomes in a particular situation, and none of them are good, a person is apt to feel a sense of complete loss. Those who are driven by fear do not feel like they are in control of anything. And, they are correct because they are not even handling their own emotions.

In the BDSM world, control is something that we spend a lot of time discussing. This is only rational since the basis of all BDSM relationships is some type of power exchange. In other words, control is not divided up on an equal basis but, rather, in a slanted manner with one assuming most, if not all, of the control. This is a voluntary exercise on the part of both parties meaning that consent is present. However, is one really capable of giving up control without a healthy self esteem?

Topping From The Bottom

The ability to submit completely to another is something that requires a very healthy self esteem. Contrary to the ignorant opinions of many, being submissive does not equate to weakness. In fact, only those with a good self worth have the inner fortitude to hand power over to another without fear. Naturally, we are going under the presumption that the proper time was spent getting to know the other person and sizing up whether he or she is worthy of submission.

I see so many who find the BDSM lifestyle believing that it is the answer to all of his/her problems. While I acknowledge that this way of life is fabulous for those who are designed for it, the truth is that life is not without issues. And, for those who enter it after being miserable failures in all other areas of life, the result is the same: more failure. My belief is many of these people lack the basic self worth to succeed in a BDSM relationship, or any other for that matter.

A person with low self esteem is driven by fear. As I mentioned, one of the things a person in this situation feels the need to do is to regain some control. This is because fear strips control away instantly. Therefore, a person will assert him or herself wherever possible to stem the lack of control.

Hopefully, you can see the conflict that one of this sort has when trying to submit to another. Ultimately, when one does get into a BDSM relationship, he or she starts to top from the bottom. This is a phrase which means trying to instill control when taking on a presumed submissive position. Rarely is one forthright in the approach since the power structure is clearly defined. However, tactics such as being passive/aggressive or whining are often employed to try to get one's way. The esteem is so lacking that one cannot submit to another without reservation.

This fact is clearly visible when our submissive is dealing with people other than his/her dominant. As you can guess, our low self worth individual has the overwhelming need to control. Hence, all interaction with someone which normally would be on an equal basis becomes another power exchange. The only difference is the submissive is assuming a dominant role. Control is what he or she craves. It is the only way to suppress the fear. Of course, in this instance, the control is an illusion which means further loss of control.

In closing, only a person with a healthy self esteem is capable of succeeding in relationships. Confidence is a quality that allows one the ability to allow others to operate how they see fit as long as it is not affecting him or her. A submissive needs to be confident in him or herself before getting involved with another. Therefore, a person who lacks a healthy self esteem is not submissive. Instead, he or she is just plain scared.

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When Protocol Forsters Weakness

Protocol can be a wonderful thing that really enhances our experience in different areas of life. While it can be called many things, the term that is most often used is "traditions". Many organization and individuals adhere to different traditions. It is a way to remain in touch with the past, promote ritual, and foster an atmosphere of comfort. However, I see a downside to protocol especially in the BDSM world.

Protocol is a form of Dogma

Personally, I am one who detests dogma, especially when it is blindly swallowed as fact. Individuals and institutions have used this single mechanism as a means to control and enslave people throughout the centuries. The powerful manipulate it as a means of instilling their beliefs upon others. One only needs to look down through the ages to see how this was accomplished.

The main problem with dogma is that it suppresses individual thought. People who blindly adhere do not take the time to inquire as to the validity of the beliefs they hold to be true. Obedience is the main virtue and those who stray from the norm are ostracized. Being a free thinker leads on to living as an outcast. Fortunately, for the powerful, these people are few in numbers. Most blindly follow the dogma being delivered without question.

Protocol in the BDSM World

Obedience and control are words that are often used in the BDSM world and it would make sense that including something that fosters this is helpful. However, my feeling is that before one is obedient and controlled, he or she needs to be aware of what is going on. Dogma does not offer this option. When one is "forced" to adhere to what is presented without any thought as to its practicality or benefit, that is when one is in a dangerous position. Safety is something we are always concerned about and few realize the peril that goes along with turning beliefs over to another.

Therefore, it is beneficial to be mindful of what protocols we have and how we adhere to them. Are they a bad thing? Not necessarily as long as those who are partaking keep them in the proper perspective.

For example, there are all kinds of protocols as to how a sub should address a dominant. Many people take this very seriously and are highly offended if someone does not show them the proper respect. To me, this shows an extreme insecurity on the part of the dominant. Why would someone get offended if someone did not show the proper respect, especially online? My only conclusion is that individual has tied a lot of his/her esteem into the title or position that was created in the mind. The truth is people behave in many different ways and if one ties his/her worth to how others interact, it is going to be a depressing existence.

Another point that I want to make is in the area of laziness. Protocol is helpful in that it offers a structure of how to proceed. We see this in the BDSM world with the Gorean philosophy. There are many protocols which were written that can be helpful as an outline of how to interact with others. However, I feel the danger lies in focusing too much upon the protocol to the point where one, namely the dominant, becomes lazy and indecisive. There are many instances in life where the works of John Norman simply do not offer answers. Each relationship is different and based upon the individuals involved. To claim there is a certain way to do things in all instances is harmful and dangerous. A dominant is responsible for determining the direction of the relationship at all time. Good decisions making skills are crucial. In my opinion, those who rely completely upon pre-written protocol are weakened. They lose the ability to be creative, decisive, and confident.

And this is where protocol can become a weakness.

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A New Beginning

Today is January 1st. This is a day, in the U.S., that is traditional for college football (although they moved the games to Monday this year). It is also a time where the "slate is wiped clean" and we all get a new beginning. The year ended is past with new dreams and ideas to look forward to.

Change

Change is not something that most people embrace. However, it is the one true constant in life. The truth is that nothing remains the same. Life, in its essence, is a continual flow. It is mandated by the laws of nature which operate in a cyclical mode. New seasons push the old out. Winter is replaced by Spring which is cast aside by Summer. Each "death" is replaced with a new life.

Another fact about change is that one can either actively pursue it (i.e. plan for it) or get run over by it. Few people ever take time to consider this reality but it is something that is worthwhile to mention. There is a town by me that opted to adopt the later strategy when dealing with the change called population growth. It is something that has completely taken that town by "surprise" resulting in a chaotic mess. Poor planning led to absolute turmoil. The same idea holds true in each of our lives.

BDSM Is Not A Removal From Life

As I repeatedly write, BDSM is not a lifestyle choice that allows one to remove him or herself from the realities of life. Too many approach it in a manner of escape as opposed to moving forward. This disconnect results in much frustration when the truth emerges. We, whether in a traditional or BDSM relationship, have to interact with the same life issues as everyone else. Death, sickness, heartache, financial concerns, and career situations are just a few of the circumstances we encounter. Entering this lifestyle does not remove responsibility from your plate.

For this reason, the lessons that are taught for "life management" equally apply in the BDSM world. If you want to have a sensational year, it is best to plan for it. It is easy to allow the daily grind to interrupt our progress forward. Now is a good time to remember what is important to you and keep it at the forefront of your mind in terms of priorities. Taking people or things for granted is part of the human condition. Sadly, this often harms those that are closest to us.

Each of us elected to pursue this lifestyle for our own reasons. Getting reacquainted with those is important. BDSM is the most honest and truthful way to live for those who are cut out for it. Whenever a person is being true to him or herself, the result is a fulfilled life.

Remember The Cycles

Life is nothing more than a big circles. We are born and then we die. At first we aren't here, then we are, and then we are not. As mentioned, the seasons come and go. However, the basic characteristics of those do not change. And, we are fortunate to see them come around again.

At the basic level, there is nothing new in life. In terms of human behavior, it all was done. For those who have a few years behind them, I am certain you can see this in your life. We, as humans, tend to repeat the same behavior. If it is a helpful action, hopefully we keep doing it. However, we often find ourselves in the situation where we keep making the same mistakes over again. This is not a healthy practice to continue. Learning from our past is one of the most beneficial abilities on can adopt. The cyclical nature of life ensures this. Alter how you do things if you want them to get better.

We do not know what the future holds. But if we are observant and proactive in our planning, we will find that we do have influence over the quality of the experience we have on this planet. I hope everyone approaches 2012 with this in mind and that you all have the best year thus far. The world is our oyster so it is time to play.

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Being Fit...Very Impactful

The Internet has done a wonderful job promoting the imagery associated with the BDSM lifestyle. While much of it is fantasy based, it is safe to say that sites like kink.com captured the imagination of many people. The idea of being part of a dungeon scene, for example, is attractive to many people. Concepts such as these are developed with the intention of grabbing people in this manner. Of course, most of these sites want to sell their videos but, nonetheless, the impression is made.

Physical Imagery

BDSM videos contain a great deal of imagery. I am a believer that this is one of the reasons why they sell so well. People are seeking the fantasy in their lives. At the same time, I also believe that what goes on in our heads can also be achieved in our lives. Thus, people can carry out many different aspects of the BDSM scenes they see in movies. The only caveat is that safety needs consideration at all times.

I see so many online who are simply out of shape. Why is this important? My view is that the imagery that attracts us online will also be helpful in a relationship. In other words, people respond to what they see and the more one can mirror the image in one's mind, the more effective he or she will be.

There are a lot of dominants out there who are physically weak. They have bodies that were created by Dunkin Donuts as opposed to Gold's Gym. Their level of exercise is none. Instead of taking care of themselves, they sit on the couch and stuff their faces. Yet, these same people claim to be in control. How can that be if one cannot even control what he or she eats? Of course, I will issue the disclaimer so as not to offend those who do have medical conditions which prevent weight loss. Anyone who fits into this category needs to follow the proper medical care. However, since reports have the obesity rate reaching the majority of adults, I find it hard to believe all of them suffer from this condition.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason why I feel it necessary for a dominant to be mindful of his/her body is because of the assumption of the position of power. In all honesty, do you think a submissive will respond more to one who is visually built like a Greek God or one who is 150 pounds overweight? In terms of the imagery, he or she will respond to the one who is better built.

Now, that is not to say that all of us can get a chiseled body. Nevertheless, almost all of us can do those things which will improve our physical appearance. Walking will take off a few pounds while increasing our cardio ability. This improves endurance during a BDSM scene. In all, it makes the experience more pleasurable for a submissive.

At the same time, it is equally as important for a submissive to approach things in the same manner. Getting back to the videos, how many of them do you see with women being suspended who are really overweight? The answer is very few. Again, the image presented is an ideal that we all can strive for.

The health benefits of being in shape are too numerous to list here. However, the point is that one who takes the time to get him or herself in better physical condition will be more effective in the search for others. Also, the pride in taking care of oneself, whether dominant or submissive, shows that you are a person worthy for one to get involved with. The impact that one has with a finely tuned body is outstanding. Consider this the next time you put on that leather vest. Imagine how your sub/slave will respond if it covers a barrel chest and tight abs.

Emotional Control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person's behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always "calm, cool, and collected". We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually "walking on eggshells". This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

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Protecting Oneself

Safety is something that everyone needs to be concerned about. It is the number one priority that each person, whether submissive or dominant, needs to have in their life. BDSM contains some dangerous aspects. Couple that with the fact that the online world is full of vultures and one soon realizes how easy it is to put oneself in a difficult situation.

Craziness

It is sad to say but some people are simply crazy. This might seem like an over-reaching statement but it is something that I find completely true. While most online people might not be ready for the sanitarium, they definitely exhibit behavior that is neurotic.

I recently read an online post by an individual who mentioned his play date. In it he discussed how himself and the other individual chatted online and agreed to meet for a weekend together. He drove up and dominated this individual. After spending some in person time together this individual stated that perhaps they weren't compatible, and while they had fun, it was best to leave it at that. Evidently the other person was understanding and compliant with this. It seemed everything ended on a good note.

Here is where things get wacky. A couple of days later this individual received an angry email from the other one mentioning how badly he hurt him. To further the damage, he spread rumors around the site they met on and threatened to go to his work and expose him.

As you can see, this is a play date that went bad. Here is an individual who is evidently dealing with some mental issues. To go from an agreeable parting to vile anger in a couple of days shows something is amiss (of course we are presuming what the poster is relating is accurate-but for example sake it works). This is a person who is emotionally unstable in some capacity.

Safety On All Levels

Safety is often only mentioned in the physical sense. Many write about how to properly hold a scene and ways to engage in risky behavior while preventing injury. These are worthwhile tips and all of them should be followed. Nevertheless, there are many other ways that one needs to protect him or herself.

I find that submissive people are in a quandary regarding safety because it goes counteractive to the goal that is sought. A submissive person aims to give control over to another. This puts him/her in an extremely vulnerable position. In effect, the safety of this person becomes of the responsibility of the dominant. While this is rightly so, many will not uphold this responsibility which can cause tremendous damage.

Therefore, it is the onus of a submissive to protect him/herself from harm. This is counter intuitive to the submission process but a vital step until all facts are brought into the open. Many are too quick to entrust someone who is ill-equipped to handle the responsibility. Therefore, one needs to ensure safety and cede that trust slowly. A BDSM relationship is not a sprint as much as a marathon. Moving forward at an unacceptable pace is what causes injury (or worse).

It Starts With You

One of the levels where safety is paramount is psychologically. As a dominant, one needs to be ever mindful of the state of the person that he/she is dealing with. Some simply are not mentally equipped to deal with some of the things we do in the BDSM world. For whatever reason, they have not dealt with some past issues which will preclude safely moving forward.

Of course, this brings up the question: are you one of those people? This is where the onset of preparation begins. One protects oneself by tending to those mental/psychological issues that stem from past events. For example, if you had sexual or physical abuse in the past, be sure you received the proper therapy or counseling so that these events do not enter into any future endeavors. Those who fail to do this tend to have flashbacks and other occurrences which create harm. While a dominant should look for signs that point to this type of behavior, one cannot be sure that this person will be able to safely navigate this troublesome area. Ergo, it is best to handle the situation oneself and remove the potential pitfall.

The same concept applies to a BDSM scene. I always suggest only playing with someone you know and has the ability to safely engage in whatever activity you are proposing. Many have been injured (or killed) because a scene went awry. While it is the dominants responsibility, again, this is something that cannot be counted on. A submissive should remove him/herself (or use the safe word) as soon as something appears amiss. Personal protection is the only way to go.

Does this mean that you, as a submissive, will never enjoy the freedom of turning it all over to another? The answer is no. Trust is something that needs to be earned. Knowing the ability firsthand of who you are dealing with takes time. Through your interaction together, you will see how much he/she applies some of the concepts we discuss here. If the person behaves in a manner that is safe and sane, one is apt to give over more. This is the natural process that takes place. Through the feeling of comfort and safety, a submissive can free him/herself of much of the burden. However, I cannot stress enough that this is something that has to occur only after a great deal of talking, interacting, and personal experience with one another. It is not something that can be shortcut.

Remember, your well being is at stake.

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Self Growth

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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The Multiple Game

We all know there are many games that are played online. Hell, even in real life people are apt to do things that will make your head spin. Having a strong ethical base seems lax in this era and those who are genuine tend to suffer because of it. Of course, the online world has made it ripe for those individuals with less than ethical intentions to excel. So, how are we to navigate through it all.

Understanding What Is Happening

The best way to succeed in this realm is to understand what is taking place. Few are able to create something that is so novel that nobody has seen it before. The trollers all tend to do the same thing regardless of the time and place. Those of us who are online for the last 5 or 10 years witnessed the same tricks being played repeatedly.

Ultimately, it is best to have reservations about anyone you are dealing with online. Until some form of traditional communication is implemented, I would suggest being leery of whatever is told to you. The bottom line is that no matter how much you investigate someone, there is really no way to know if what they are telling you is the truth until you are in front of them (face-to-face). Sure, there are some who are open online, but I would say that is the minority. The majority tend to have ulterior motives.

Multiple Game

A common situation I witness is where a person tends to play the numbers game. Also known as the multiple game, a person of this ilk tends to interact with a large number of people in his/her quest to find what is desired.

Before going any further, I will caveat to make the point there is nothing wrong with "casting a wide net" when prospecting for a Master or slave. The traditional world also sees this technique used when dating. As teenagers, we are taught to go out with different people and not to fall for the first one who comes along. At this stage in life, it is healthy to be carefree and open. Of course, when we find someone we believe suits our needs, then we get a bit more serious.

The same is true in the BDSM world. Anyone who has success his/her first foray is extremely lucky. This is a rarity and everyone should resist the temptation to believe it is the norm. If you are interacting with your first Master or slave and believe this is "the one", remember that it is likely to fall apart in the near future. This is simply how the statistics work out.

One who is playing the multiple game goes above and beyond the traditional "seeing what is out there". This person tends to be dishonest in the sense that he or she continues to interact with many in a way that gives the belief that something more will develop. It is not uncommon to learn of a person who has 5 or 6 Masters. Obviously, most, if not all of them, believed they were the only one she had. At the same time, it is also noticeable to see one progressing deeper with a few different people long past the point where he or she should have made a choice. Ultimately, someone gets hurt in this scenario.

Openness

What is the solution to the above mentioned problems? Simple. It is openness. The BDSM is one of enormous flexibility. If you look around, you will see every imaginable scenario being lived by people. There is nothing new that anyone can uncover. We have people who are poly, sexually open, monogamous, threesomes, foursomes, communal living, fetish based, sex buddies, etc... Whatever you desire, it is out there for you.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that everyone you will encounter is after the same thing. This means that one will have to choose at some point. Many interactions soon fade because people do not share like interests. Having similar BDSM likes gets old if there is nothing else. For example, if one loves the tropics but has a Master in Northern Canada, that might create an issue at some point. Often the obvious is overlooked.

Those who play the multiple Master or slave game are not trying to narrow things down to find what he or she desires. Instead, this person is stringing one (or more) person along. It is impossible to serve two Masters. In many instances, unless one is openly setting up a poly household, it is not feasible to have multiple slaves. This two scenarios magnify if one tries to transition anything into real time. Ultimately, the truth comes out and that is where pain is incurred.

Anyone who is open about themselves will not have an issue in this arena. It is perfectly acceptable to chat/talk with a few different people. Nevertheless, when one progresses to the point of mentioning relocating, of putting forth a greater commitment, or somehow taking the relationship to a deeper level, I believe it is only prudent to be open about what is going on. Anyone who is still playing the multiple game at this point is showing him or herself to be nothing more than a troller. The inherent dishonesty associated with this action leaves one to completely without trust. This is not what a genuine person does.

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Being Adult

Why do I title this post in such a way? My reasoning is simple: because too many people, in my observation, enter the BDSM world in a manner that is only befitting of a child. Their behavior, both online and in person, is abysmal. For this reason I figured I would deliver the message that it is time to grow up.

Miserable Failures

I see so many who come upon this way of life after being complete failures in their traditional lives. This stands to reason since most all of us are here because the vanilla world simply did not suit us. However, there is a percentage of our population who take this even further. In addition to being ill-equipped to deal with parity-based relationships, they show a complete inability to deal with life in general. And this is where the problems arise.

BDSM is not an avenue of escape. Too many determine this lifestyle offers the chance to rid oneself of responsibility. After having so many relationships (platonic in addition to sexual), our new dominants and subs conclude that BDSM is a way to shun all the problems. Of course, anyone who has any sense of practicality knows this is not the case.

Failure quickly ensures for people who take this approach. I see many "slaves", as an example, who proclaim on websites that they are looking for a Master "to take care of them". Certainly, any true Master knows this is par for the course. However, the slaves in question believe that being taken care of equates to a complete lack of responsibility. Any slave who feels he or she does not have to behave in a responsible manner or that feels everything will be removed from him/her are of no use to anyone. A good slave has many responsibilities that are assigned to her. Therefore, to conclude that the life of a slave is without onus are setting themselves for a harsh reality check.

Pragmatic Versus Fantasy

Part of being adult is being pragmatic about things. Certainly, it is a healthy exercise to dream, set goals, plan for the future, and, yes, even fantasize. However, these have to be balanced with a pragmatic outlook. Life is not lived solely in compliance with emotions nor does logic total rule. There needs to be a blending of the two to succeed.

We see those who arrive at sites online with the fairy tale outlook upon life. To start, they are thrilled to have found something that strikes a deep cord within them. I can appreciate this. I equate this initial realization to the feeling of finally coming home. My personal story attests to this. Nevertheless, the nirvana does not end there. Suddenly this individual "meets" someone online and, thus, begins the whirlwind love affair. Our new person goes from being excited to completely illogical in a matter of a few days. This is where we see the posts proclaiming love for the Master or slave forever.

In most cases this is purely fantasy and we usually see things peter out in a matter of a few weeks. In most instances, the truth does eventually emerge; the other individual was not exactly the person he or she proclaimed to be. This is commonplace. Anyone who looks at things pragmatically understands this and exercises a degree of caution. Only a child runs out into traffic without looking. Adults knows that a certain amount of investigation and relationship building is necessary before proclamations can be made. Over time, wonderful relationships can emerge that start online, but they take time and effort to develop. They also require the use of traditional modes of communication such as the telephone and in person visits. Without these, one is "falling in love" with words on a screen. Who knows if they are even real.

18 and Over

The final piece that I want to touch upon is the fact that we deal in a lifestyle that is adult in nature. Many people seem to miss this point. Instead, they behave in a manner that is befitting the bingo parlor. The fact is we are adults and discuss issues that are not meant for immature ears.

I am always amazed at how easily people are offended. The BDSM world, especially online, can have a bit of the wild west feel to it. In other words, almost anything goes. There are many different outlooks upon life and the lifestyle, thus increasing the chance you will encounter those who do not agree with your views. In addition, many people focus their attention upon sexual issues, oftentimes in great detail. If words such as cock, cunt, pussy, and ass offend you, perhaps heading back to match.com is a good move for you. Many sites require that you click that you are at least 18 years of age since the topics are adult oriented.

Another aspect to the Puritan outlook we often see pertains to sex itself. I am equally astonished how uptight some people are even when claiming to be in this lifestyle. There are many different aspects to BDSM and there will be some things that arent for you. However, just because it is not your flavor, that does not mean it is disgusting or perverted. That is the mentality that many of us are trying to get away from. Judgments, while always present, are to be kept to a minimum. There are people you will encounter who are into things you can only imagine. Every walk of life is represented in BDSM and some people live in completely outrageous manners. That is their business. If you dont want to have sex with a roomful of people, that is your choice. Nevertheless, be adult when dealing with someone who does (or did) and leave your ideals at the door. It is their life just as you have yours.

In closing, try to approach how we live in befitting of an adult. This is not Romper Room even those many of us does have a room full of toys.

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