September 30, 2010

Overnight Submission

This is something that we see done all the time in the online world. People enter this lifestyle and start chatting with someone only to 'submit' to that person after a week or two. What is irritating is these are the very same people who proclaim 'My Master is the best int he world' or 'She is the best slave I ever met'. The question I have is how do you know that?


The simple truth is that relationships take time. No matter what the lifestyle or arena in which people are interacting in, it takes time to develop rapport with another person. We see this in the workplace where a Manger/employee relationship is forged over the course of years. Obviously, people need to spend time together before being able to take the step of entering into marriage. And, friendships are not developed overnight but, rather, take a lot of interaction for each person being comfortable to call the other a 'friend'.

No matter what the situation, trust needs time to develop. We all would like to trust someone immediately after meeting them. However, for most of us, this is something we are incapable of doing. Past situations leave an imprint upon our psyche. Everyone who has interacted with another person was 'burnt' on at least one occasion. Trust is something that we all had broken in the past. Because of this, we tend to be a bit 'gun shy' in the beginning. Most can adequately get past this given enough time but it doesnt happen overnight.

Of course, there are some who take the exact opposite track. Instead of withholding their trust, they give it to anyone who will interact with them. These are the ones who tend to lack common sense and are apt to find themselves in situations which are dangerous. The truth is that bad people do exist. We cannot know the motivation of each person we meet. While we like to think everyone is noble, reality shows us otherwise.

The fact to remember is that it takes time to develop a relationship.

An Added Factor

There is one area which is worth mentioning that is rather unique to the BDSM community. It is something that many will want to question before getting involved with another. Sadly, few ever do this. The factor that I am referring to is in the area of experience. I believe everyone should thoroughly know exactly how much BDSM experience one has and if it is real time or not. There is a safety component that the rest of the world does not have to deal with. Therefore, ask and if you do not receive satisfactory answers, move on.

Why do I bring this point up? When we consider relationships, one might ask a potential mate how many times he or she was married. This is natural. Nevertheless, few ask how many dates the person went on or what his/her level of experience is in relationships. The truth is that rarely does it matter in the traditional world. One might be married a couple of times due to circumstances beyond his/her control. Of course, if the person was married 7 or 8 times, that might be a warning sign. However, under normal circumstances the dating experience of another is irrelevant.

That is not true in the BDSM world. We are engaged in activities that stray from the beaten path. Experience in this arena shows that one is able to performs duties and activities that a newer person might struggle with. While newer people might try to fake things to get by, ultimately the true is evident fairly quickly. There simply is no substitute for experience.

Before going any further with this idea, I will state that experience is equally applicable to both dominants and submissives. Some believe that the experience is only needed on the part of the dominant since he/she is responsible for the safety of the other person. This is true but I have met many 'submissives' who hadnt a clue about how to live in a BDSM relationship. And, I find that one's experience is more important the further along one goes on the power exchange spectrum. Many self-proclaimed slaves have caused tremendous damage simply by trying to be something they are not. This is not something that one can fake.

An experienced person will be able to interact with another in a safe, effective manner for the role he/she is there to fulfill. Of course, there was a time when we all were new. Thus, if one does lack the experience, it is best to get that out on the table. A lack of honesty is a surefire way to eliminate trust instantly. What can take months to erect is washed out in a few minutes simply by not telling the truth. So, anyone who is new, do not feel bad about admitting it. In most instances, the time spent getting to know the other person can also be utilized to increase your abilities. This will somewhat negate the factor of experience.

In the end, resist the temptation to submit to someone instantly. It is best to take the time to get to know that person. Once you believe you have a good understanding about him or her, then you can choose to submit. Just be sure it takes longer than a week.

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September 29, 2010

The Weak Need Not Apply

Many people need to just keep on going. I encounter so many people who are just too stupid to grasp any aspect of this life. This outlook applies equally to those who are dominant as well as submissive. We only need to interact with people who are strong.

BDSM Is About Strength

There are many (the unknowing) who believe that submissive types are weak. They think that someone who is in this position is subject to abuse and degradation (in a non-lifestyle way). Of course, what they do not realize is that their outlook actually applies to them more than it does the subs/slaves living in this life.

The truth is that it takes a great deal of strength to live the BDSM way of life. Why do I make this claim? Simple. BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. Anyone who takes the time to look at him or herself is in the minority of society. The majority of people are blindly following the masses down the path to unhappiness. Is it any wonder that half the population is souped up on prescription drugs? People are miserable and they have no idea why. They fail to grasp the fact that society sold them a bill of goods that is not truth. Those of us in this lifestyle know how it works and sought out other alternatives.

Another factor that most miss, especially when it comes to the submissives, is that it takes great strength to go against the grain. The easier tract is to blindly obey those around us. Dogma is a prime example of how people swallow whatever is served without question. The churches and governments throughout history survived because of this. Society also holds itself together indoctrinating the same way. Go to school, get good grades, get a good job, meet the right girl, get married, and live happily ever after is the mantra. How often do we see this work? I say less than half the time judging from the divorce rate.

Again, those of us who opted to pursue this path know the strength it takes to go against the people who are closest to us. Many of us have alienated ourselves from our families by choosing to go in a different direction. It is sad that they are do not accept our choices in life but that is the way it goes. Understanding this fact is necessary. Newer people seem to think that our decision will be welcomed with open arms. It is not. Therefore, a lot of strength is required to stand up to the ostracization that inevitably follows.


Growth is central to a BDSM relationship especially the extreme ones. Many people seem to think that once they get into a relationship that all the 'work' is done. The truth is that it is just getting started. The laws of nature dictate that there is no such thing as stagnation. One is either moving forward or going backwards. There is no standing still. It is impossible in a universe that is evolving and changing every second of the day. We humans are part of the Animal Kingdom, thus are not exempt from this fact.

If you want to be successful in a BDSM relationship, it is crucial that you focus on growth. I witnessed many slaves who got bored with Masters because there was no attention directed upon growth. At the same time, a slave who refuses to partake in those activities which will expand her abilities will lose the interest of a real Master. That is why sex-based relationships tend to get old quickly. Most of the growth occurs outside the bedroom.

The other day I wrote about looking at one's entire life before deciding whether to enter into a BDSM relationship with that person or not. Usually, the way a person lives will tell you many things about him or her. For example, if one's life is a total mess and he or she is dependent upon others for the most basic of necessities, then I believe that person will have a difficult time upholding his or her end of the relationship. This is especially true for those who want to be 'owners' of others. I find it impossible to believe that most people have the ability to take care of another when he or she cannot adequately provide for oneself.

Strength is required to excel in this way of life. We are into an alternative lifestyle which means acceptance of our choices are low. The mainstream judges us completely because they do not understand. This results in treatment that is harsher than many foresaw. Therefore, if you are someone who is weak, it might be best to pursue the path of normalcy. The BDSM life might not be ideally suited for you.

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September 28, 2010

Live Your Own Life

My last post mentioned 'embracing the darkness' which signified a conceptual idea that we should follow the path that best suits us. This path might be contrary to what the mainstream considers 'normal'. There are an assortment of groups/people who feel they have the right to tell you how to live your life. We see it all the time promoted on television. Followers of a particular dogma feel they know the 'right' way. Anything (anyone) who is outside those bounds is labeled immoral, unnatural, or perverted. In short, they are judged to holy hell.

Be An Adult

It is crucial for people to grow up. Few ever do this. Instead, they follow the edicts set down by others without questioning. Whatever they were taught is right. Anything outside this is discarded immediately. Open-mindedness is not a common theme in a civilized work. Rather, blind obedience is expected.

Part of reaching adulthood is exercising the ability to make one's own choices. This is how the theory works anyway. In reality, few actually take this tract. We now live in a world where the major mindset is subscribing to the 'nanny mentality'. People expect someone or something else to take care of them. It seems to matter little what country or culture you look at. Freedoms are being eliminated at an astounding rate. Sadly, the greatest freedom that is removed is freedom of thought. The masses appear to be brainless twits spewing the mantra of the day.

Adulthood means making decisions that best serve you (and those under your care). After all, it is your life. Once you reach the age of conscious, rational choice, you are free to behave as you see fit. Fitting into the 'little box' others created for you is a choice. Do you opt to live as they determine or as you want? That is the choice all of us are confronted with.

Loved Ones

I often caution people who are new to this way of life to be extremely careful who they tell about this decision. It seems many have the desire to tell all of the choice to live as a slave (as an example). They want to scream it from the top of every roof. The excitement at finding something new overwhelms people. This new happiness leads to the desire to share the revelation with anyone who will listen.

Sadly, few understand anything about this life. My experience is that sharing something this personal only opens one up to extreme judgment from those who are suppose to love him/her the most. This seems illogical but is the reality of life. Often, the greatest judgments we get are from those who are closest to us. It is not uncommon to hear one say ' I only want you to be happy'. However, what this person is really saying is that he or she wants you to be happy as long as the choices you make agree with what they would decide.

Please bear in mind that these people only want what is best for you. They are not ill-intentioned. Nevertheless, the idea that they know what is best for you is absurd. Another fact that makes it insane is that there is a great chance the person offering the advice 'settled' in his/her life also. Remember, few take the time to think about what they truly want in life. Most simply succumb to the wishes of others.

BDSM Is Not Mainstream

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. It is something that is considered abnormal by many people. Those of us who presently live this life had to make a conscious choice to go 'against the grain'. We do not choose this path to be rebellious. Instead, it is the following of an inner desire that lures us. At some point we realized that the path promoted by the mainstream didnt lead to the fulfillment promised. Somehow we found ourselves wanting.

Living your own life entails making those decisions that you think best for you. Accept the fact that others might not understand the options you exercise. Stepping outside the bounds of 'normal' opens one up to the judgments and attacks of others. Nevertheless, for many of us, it was a necessary action if we ever were to be happy. Remember, the most important thing for you to exercise is freedom of thought. Decide for yourself how you want to live your life.

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September 26, 2010

Embrace The Darkness

This post is going to deal with things in a symbolic sense. I use the term 'darkness' as a means to contrast the 'light' that traditional dogma teaches us. Those who follow the 'normal' path consider themselves enlightened and anyone who isnt of the same mindset is 'dark'. We all know how it feels to be outcast by society. They feel they are right and we are wrong. This is a mindset that stops many from proceeding.


Guilt is a weapon that many like to use to have people behave in manners that is acceptable to them. We see this both from individuals and from different entities. For example, when Joe Biden said that it is patriotic for people to pay taxes he was inferring that the opposite was also true. This was a method meant to instill guilt upon those who consider not paying. Religions throughout the world do the same thing. The entire notion of sin is meant to make people feel guilty about behaving in ways contrary to what dogma espouses.

Free thinkers are able to move beyond this mindset. Those who enter the BDSM way of life show the ability to think for themselves. The fact that this is not considered 'normal' illustrates one's ability to accept him or herself as 'abnormal'. Of course, our question to all who are normal is 'what is normal'?

To enjoy this lifestyle, I feel it is imperative to move past the guilt that society wants to bestow upon you. Living according one's individual edict is a fearful proposition. But, it is also the path to freedom. Doing what feels right to oneself is the very definition of what freedom means. Others can have their opinions, judgments, and guilt-ridden dogmas. We opt to structure our lives the way we see fit. Freeing ourselves from feeling guilty about what others think is a BDSM mindset.

Right and Wrong

Part of the dogma mindset is that others are determining what is right and wrong. People impose their definitions upon others and categorize them. What few realize is that right and wrong is a matter of perspective. There are many things that some people feel wrong while others feel it right. Premarital sex is a prime example. The Bible-thumpers will proclaim that this activity is wrong (and a sin) while other (like myself) know that sex is a natural part of adult life. The fact that they warp the mindset towards sex in an effort to indoctrinate people into their culture is their business. However, this does not make the act wrong. Their judgments have absolutely no meaning.

Slavery is wrong to many people. Ask the average person on the street if slavery is wrong and I am sure 98% of them will answer in the affirmative. To them, slavery is something that should be eradicated from the planet. I, however, do not believe this. Instead, I proclaim that the life of a slave is a wonderful path to follow if one is suited for it. Of course, the consensual criteria is a noted difference in my opinion. Yet, there are many who still will feel this is still wrong. Once again, people invoking their beliefs upon another.


I use the term 'darkness' to describe the holistic aspect of ourselves (and nature). Life is really a comprised the yin/yang outlook. There are always two sides to the coin and nature dictates there be opposites. Death is a part of every life. One cannot exist without the other. There are many aspects of the human experience that are considered 'dark'. To ignore them while seeking the 'light' is to indulge in fantasy. Reality is that nobody follows this path.

How much simpler the world would be if people were free to pursue those activities which they desired. Sadly, few contain the internal fortitude to live in this manner. However, many of us who are in this way of life do embrace the concepts which radiate within us. If one wants to live as a sub/slave, who is anyone else to proclaim that is 'wrong'? BDSM is about the freedom to pursue a path that the mainstream calls 'dark'. My answer is to embrace the darkness because that is where freedom resides.

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September 25, 2010

The Submission Process

I am going to clear up a common mindset fallacy that seem prevalent among newer people to this lifestyle. It is one that really can cause havoc whenever one enters into a BDSM relationship. Reading this might help you alleviate some problems.


Submission is a common part of the lifestyle. For a BDSM relationship to exist, one must submit to another. There can be no relationship without this occurring. However, this is not a one time deal.

Submission is something that is on-going. Instead of a one-time event, it is best to think of it as a process. This is an act that you will go through repeatedly.

The first submission is what most refer to. It is the time when one first decides that he or she is going 'to submit' to a Dom/Master. What this means in layman's terms is that a relationship is consummated. One interacts with another of dominant persuasion and there is some type of connection there. How long this takes varies but those who seek successful relationships will base their decisions on a number of different factors of compatibility. Of course, we are presuming these individuals are seeking some type of long-term relationship with each other as opposed to a flop-in-the-hay. Nevertheless, a decision is made to 'submit' to another.


This is component that all successful relationships require. Without trust, there is very little to build a relationship upon. Over time, couples find that the level of trust grows. A lot of this is a result of gaining familiarity and having common experiences with each other. Gaining the trust of another can only occur over time. It is something that is earned based upon one's actions. In the early stages of relationships we tend to give it freely. However, the level must grow or it will be removed.

Interaction helps to breed trust. That is why I am taken aback when I encounter people online who claim to 'trust my Master completely' after only knowing him for a few weeks. To me, this seems like an impossibility. Trust is bound by the same laws as within every other relationship. A power exchange scenario does not change this fact. Trust takes time.

What, then, happens when trust grows? Within the boundaries of of a BDSM relationship that means that one is willing to submit more. For example, in an M/s relationship, a slave is submitting her life over to a Master. She is trusting that he will take care of all that she needs. In return, she is providing him with all obedience and service that she is able muster. Both parties are agreeing to fulfill certain roles within the relationship. Her submission is 'complete' at this time.

But is it? Can one truly give of oneself without total trust? I do not believe it is possible. That is why submission to a Dom/Master is not a one time event. It is a process that is repeated regularly as trust grows. Every level of interaction creates a scenario where the trust between each increases. As this occurs, she is in a position to submit more and more of her life over. Even though she stated that is what she was doing at the initially, reality is that this process also takes time. True submission cannot occur without total trust.

Remember this the next time one asks you if you are ready to submit to him. Understand that it is not a one time process and that he will have to earn your trust if the relationship is ever to go deeper. For your submission to be complete and for him to have total control over you life, the level of trust between the two of you must be enormous. And that only occurs after interacting with each other over a long period of time.

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September 22, 2010

Individual Path

This is a topic that is close to my heart. Personally, I detest all dogma regardless of what institution it is coming from because it negates individual thinking. Instead of emphasizing personal development and success, blind adherence is esteemed. People are taught to be loyal followers.

Non-Consensual Slavery

Dogma is the epitome of non-consensual slavery. Believers of a particular faith (could be religious or governmental) are taught from a young age what to believe. We have known for centuries the power to control if you take people when they are at an impressionable age and subject them to repetitive messages. Brainwashing is an art that mankind has perfected.

This idea conjures up images of governmental forces controlling the masses. While I agree there was a lot of that throughout history, we find the same practice used by religions throughout the world also. As I said, I could care less where the dogma comes from. The simple fact is that it enslaves people.

The mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. It is also the most powerful computer on the face of the planet. These saying show us how important it is for the powers that are to influence how people believe. This is where control comes in. If you can impress upon the masses the message that you desire, then you are the one with all the power. Individuality is the anti-thesis of this concept. When people think freely for themselves, they retain power themselves.

Controlling one's mind enslaves that person. All freedoms are removed because the person cannot think for him or herself. History is littered with people who defied logic to adhere to their beliefs. Look at the kamikaze fighters in WWII. These people were convinced it was noble to die for their country. We see this same behavior exhibited by the 'suicide bombers' of today. Instead of dying for a country, they are convinced death in the name of Allah is a good thing. To me, these acts defy common sense. But, in the mind of a slave, there is no sense.

Choosing For Ourselves

The path that we walk in the BDSM lifestyle is one of individuality. The reason why I mention this is because it is not something that is commonly promoted by society. It takes a special person to stand up to societal norms and question them. This is exactly what occurs when one enters this life. He or she looked at what the cultural touted as the path to happiness and questioned it. Of course, this often came only after experiencing a letdown because of the choice to follow that path.

In short, people who are into BDSM make the choice themselves. Since it is considered an 'alternative lifestyle', one needs to tread away from the mainstream to locate it. This is not something that is promoted in the schools, churches, or homes. Those places market the idea of a monogamous relationship within the bounds of marriage that will create lifelong happiness (since it is a lifelong commitment). It is an idea that we were exposed to at a young age and are expected to follow blindly into.

It is interesting to notice how a lifestyle that has slave as one of the paths is actually freer than the traditional. Again, free thinking is an enemy of civilization. Too many of these type of people leads to anarchy. Instead, the cultural norm is designed to maintain order. Fear is a weapon used upon the masses by those in power. Of course, little is mentioned of the fact that the ones who are instilling the fear are just as fearful. They are afraid of what can happen when people question what is being preached.

Utilizing the power of choice is the epitome of freedom. When we are allowed to make decisions for ourselves, then we are free. BDSM is a lifestyle choice which forces people to exercise this freedom. Individually, we choose a path that is not typically represented by the mainstream. Therefore, those who find this way of life had to go looking. And, as we know, it is not something that those around us will necessarily embrace. That is why it is best to make your choice in secret. Sharing with other opens up a can of worms none of us want to face. Being an individual never has been an easy path to follow. Be wise.

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September 20, 2010

Inequality is Natural

Everywhere you turn today we hear people promoting the idea of equality. Phrases such as "leveling the playing field" are tossed about like this is some kind of reality. The simple fact is that most people fail to study history. And, as the saying goes, they are deemed to repeat it.

All Men Are Created Equal

These words were written in by a Founding Father during the establishment of our government. We will leave aside the fact that this person owned slaves (in a non-consensual way) for a moment and point out the fact that this is untrue. All men (people) are not created equal. Many serve a much greater purpose than other. Talents, intelligence, and motivation are not doled out on an equal basis. This is something that most want to ignore.

The truth is that I will never be able to compete with Michael Jordan athletically, Steven Hawking on an intellectual level, or Bill Clinton on a charisma level. All these men are further advanced then I am. Also, their checkbooks reflect how society rewards them at a much greater level than me. The same is true for Oprah Winfrey, Bill O'Reilly, and Donald Trump. These people achieve such a degree of worldly success that they are considered 'elite'.

History sees this same story replayed over and over. There always were elite. Every empire that ruled had its citizens that stood above the masses. Pick up any history book and you will see the same names repeated. Some were philosophers while others were royalty. There were successful military leaders and simple folk who rose to great heights. Cicero. Napoleon. Constantine. Lincoln.

Societal Belief

Society likes to believe in equality. I feel it is comforting for it to carry this dream with it. No place is this represented better than in the institution of marriage. The traditional model holds that men and women are equal in a marital situation. The term 'partners' is often used to describe them. However, further review will reveal how untrue this is.

How many marriages have an equal breakdown of power? Very few. While the institutions might grant equality in its essence, reality shows that one party is always more powerful than the other. Have you ever seen the guy who has to ask his wife to go out with the guy Or the woman who has to clear an expenditure with her man? This deferring of power shows the inequality in the relationship.

If we expand our thinking even further, we see that there is inequality in every relationship. Consider the employer/employee relationship. Naturally, the employer has the authority that comes with the position. But who has the power? That depends upon the relationship. For example, a high producing salesperson in a small firm can wield a great deal of power with the owner since he or she creates much of the revenue stream. Contrast that with a low level clerk who can be let go. This person is obviously has no power versus the employer (supposing the employer operates within the legal boundaries set forth).

Another fine example is friendships. Have you ever seen a set of friends where one was always making the decision for the both of them? This is a situation where one person has the power based upon personality. He or she is simply stronger than the other person in this area. Therefore, the weaker one cedes power over on a regular basis.

Inequality is Natural

Nature adheres to one rule: survival of the fittest. Man is the one being that refuses to recognize this aspect of the universe. Instead, he lives in a dream like state trying to level things out. This is something that we do not see in the natural world. The truth is that things can be cruel at times. Bad things occur on a regular basis. Nature mandates that the strong adapt to survive while the weak perish.

Many creatures are born only to serve as dinner for something (one) else. Take any species and you will see how some of them are taken down by predators. The strongest/fastest survive while the others are eaten alive. Cruel as this sounds, it is the way nature operates. If you want to survive, become strong.

BDSM doesnt mess around with the theory of equality. The very foundation of this lifestyle is inequality. Two people enter into a relationship exchanging power immediately. One cedes it to the other while he or she accepts it. There is no pretense that both are on an equal footing. Domination and submission are terms we use. We understand that each person compliments the other but there is no mistaking the power structure. Dominant personalities are in control while the submissive ones are not. Therefore, the BDSM relationship is the most natural type of structure there is. We live according to the laws of nature.

Remember, inequality is everywhere. Those who are fighting for parity are engaging in a losing battle. There are never equals. One is always stronger than another. History shows us that some are oppressed. However, when those people had enough, they rise up and overthrow those in power. The weak suddenly are the strong. Inequality is still maintained just in a reverse order. BDSM is exactly the same. One is in power so long as he/she is not abusive and dangerous. If that person walks down this trek, the submissive often can take matters into his/her hands as a means of survival. Ultimately, abuser show their weakness through their inability to hold onto another. The situation reverses on them.

BDSM is natural and something that should be embraced as opposed to feared.

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September 18, 2010

Role Playing versus Living

The BDSM community is a wide spectrum. It includes people from all walks of life who have varying interests. People enter into the arena with a plethora of experiences which do not match up. In the end, it is the diversity which makes it such a wonderful life.

Role Playing

Role playing is a firm part of this lifestyle. Many engage in it as a method of enhancing their enjoyment. The most common is in the sexual arena where people liven up their 'bedroom antics' with a bit of D/s role play. Taking the part of dominant or submissive adds a layer of pleasure which many do not experience in vanilla relationships. Light bondage, spanking, and blindfolds are often part of the practices these people engage in. While many will proclaim that this is not bdsm, I feel that it is. Certainly our life is wide enough to include people who are into light play.

Another form of role playing is within the setup of an existing relationship. Many will create scenes to enhance the pleasure with a partner. Leather outfits, whips, rope, and chains can all be used to simulate a dungeon scene. This is a way that some opt to stress the difference in power. It is not unheard of for people to switch during a scene with each person being both dominant and submissive. Since they are filling roles, the reversal is rather easy for these types. It is one area where a 'lifestyler' will differ from the role players.

As mentioned, I feel that all of these desires fall under the heading of 'BDSM'. Anyone who engages in any type of power exchange utilizing the accessories that we do is participating in BDSM.

The Lifestyle

Then there are those who 'live this lifestyle'. Before going any further, I will state that this is a bit misleading to a newer person. There are few who actually live this as a true lifestyle meaning that this is their primary involvement. Some will be involved in BDSM relationships while earning their living by performing so type of BDSM act. Professionally Dommes come to mind as a group who makes their living off BDSM.

However, these people are the minority. Most of us lead lives similar to most other people. We work regular jobs earning wages to sustain our families. The problems and difficulties that people in the vanilla world face are also common amongst us. We suffer at times physically, financially, emotionally, and with family. None of us are immune to being human. We experience many of the same things that others do.

So, what is the difference. To me, it comes in the mindset. One who 'lives the BDSM lifestyle' carries the mindset of power exchange 24/7. Even if someone is not in a relationship presently, he or she knows exactly what is being sought. For example, a dominant knows that he or she is such. It is not something that is wavered upon. Ultimately, this person is acting in accordance to a deep-seeded desire. The same is true for those who are submissive. They are following a path that comes from within.

This is a sharp contrast compared to those who role play. These individuals can exit the BDSM life once they leave the scene. When their antics are over, they return to 'normal life'. The lifestyle person does not. He or she carries that mindset in every situation. A slave is still owned even if she is at work and under the concern of another 'manager'. She does not change simply because the situation does. Equality is not sought in any area of her life. The role player returns to equality. And that is the difference.

Room For All

The BDSM life is large enough for all to be a part of. While I will take exception to some on terminology (labels) used in particular situations, I will never say that anyone needs to leave the BDSM community. I understand it is a varied spectrum. Some prefer the lighter side of things while others are seeking the extreme. Personal desires are meant to be fulfilled whatever those desires are. It is not up to anyone else to determine that for an individual. If one (or a couple) wants to simply liven things up by engaging in some light BDSM, have at it. We should be glad to have these people. Variety is what makes the world go round.

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September 10, 2010

Run The Other Way

I am going concentrate on the Dominant side of a D/s relationship in this post. My reason for writing this is simple: I see so many who profess to be dominant and in search of one to control yet such failures in their lives.

A Dominant One Needs To Have Something To Offer

This is a point that is overlooked by many. A D/s relationship is a two-way street. The submissive brings a lot to the table in terms of the service offered through the submission process. In turn, the dominant one compliments the submissive by controlling and dominating his/her life.

Nevertheless, to truly be effective the dominant needs to offer stability. I found that a sub's life is full of chaos. For whatever reason, on their own, submissive types tend to do poorly. I can only presume the need for guidance is greater in these individuals. Thus, when entering a D/s relationship, there usually is some wreckage that needs cleaning up. Perhaps this is just a sign of the times and people's ability to deal with life situations. Nevertheless, individuals of this sort often need help.

Cant Give What One Doesnt Have

This is a simple concept that also seems to elude people. One cannot provide that to another what he or she does not have. Before one can fulfill a particular role in a person's life, he or she must already posses those qualities/characteristics. In short, a dominant one needs to have his/her act together.

I see so many who are total messes trying to dominate another. What makes one submit to a person who is so obviously lacking in life skills? Hopefully this post will help some to resist the temptation to submit to a person of this nature and run the other way. No good can ever come out of the a situation like this.

To be an effective Dom/Dome, one must be able to provide support for the submissive person. Support means different things to each person. But, in general, a Dom/Domme is responsible for mental, emotional, financial, and psychological support to one who submits. Is the person you are dealing with capable of offering these things to you.

Look At The Rest of His/Her Life

I am always amazed at one who claims to be dominant yet that is nowhere to be found anywhere in that person's life. Thus, to determine how well suited one is for a life of control and domination you must look at the rest of his/her life. If you do not see the domination and success exemplified in other areas of life, then there is a great chance you are dealing with a person not suited to be your Dom/Domme.

Many intend on having their sub/slave provide financial means to the relationship. While this is often a necessity in this era of dual income requirements, there are times when one cannot provide in this manner to the relationship. In those times, it is up to the dominant one to step in and provide for the relationship. An example of this was when my slave first came to me. Because of a paperwork issue, she wasnt able to work for 8 months. Over that time, she had to serve me in a different capacity. I was the one who stepped and provided for her.

The same holds true for emotional support. There are many times when submissives need the strength of the dominant one. Life situations develop that can overwhelm a person. A dominant one might need to stand in and provide emotional strength in a time of need.

Which brings me back to the original premise: is the person in question able to provide for one in this manner? If he or she shows a complete lack of ability in other areas of life, it is a sure bet that the same thing will happen in this relationship also. A person does not suddenly develop the ability to handle situations where he or she previously lacked the ability. This is common sense.

A BDSM relationship is a relationship where both parties need to contribute.

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September 9, 2010

Turning Loss Around

Last night, a well liked member of my bdsm social site unexpectedly passed away. Like is so often the case, her passing was way too soon leaving so many dreams unfulfilled. Of course, her loved ones are left to pick up the pieces and move forward. It is a tough time for many who knew and liked her.

Whenever I encounter a situation such as this, a time when one is taken from us much too soon, I try to reflect upon what I can learn. What can I take from the situation that I was previously missing.

I often write on here that social conditioning leads us down the road which it wants us to conform to. The general belief system is that one needs to find that "one person" and live a vanilla, monogamous life. With this comes children, careers, and responsibility. Sadly, most find that even with a large degree of success in these areas, happiness is not always the result. Success on the outside does not equate to fulfillment on the inside.

Those of us who entered into this way of life learned to shed the "normal" mindset and opt for something that makes us happy. And that is a major lesson. We are all responsible for choosing the route that leads to our own satisfaction. Living according to another person's philosophy can never lead to long term satisfaction. In the end, when each of us reach the end of our time here, we can either look back with excitement or disappointment. Whatever the outcome, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Our lives are our own.

Shedding the mindset that we were taught to honor is extremely difficult. Nevertheless, it is crucial for those who seek long term contentment. Many of us found exactly that by opting to live this lifestyle.

Another lesson that I take from this situation is that there is no better time than the present. That sounds so cliche but it is true. Procrastination robs us of so much in life. To often we delay our enjoyment for the sake of others. Again, the truth is that we never know when we will meet our exit. Postponing of happiness often becomes way of life. Society teaches this lesson well. It is up to us to have the strength and dedication to forge our own path.

Death is never an easy thing to encounter especially when someone is close to us. Yet, it is something that we none of us can escape. Death is a reality of life. The fact that none of us know when the end will come leads us to believe that time is unlimited. It is not. Utilize the time you have left to do what fulfills you. In the end, you are the one who is responsible for your own happiness.

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September 4, 2010

Total Power Exchange

I often write about this topic in a round about way but today I thought I would really delve into this fundamental practice of the BDSM world.

Much of what we do in our daily lives reflects that of a traditional relationship. Life is still life regardless of what particular lifestyle one opts for. Everyday situations need to be handled and responsibilities fulfilled. Many approach BDSM with the belief that it is a way that will fix all the outer problems. This is not true.

Promote Inequality

The most basic tenet of BDSM is that we promote inequality. "All men are created equal" is a mantra for others to preach. In our way of life, people opt to be subservient to others. It is a conscious choice to serve. The ones who choose this path are not seeking to be equal. Instead, they are craving a life where one is in control and directive of all actions. They are seeking a fulfillment that is different from the average. A service mindset is at the core of who these people are.

At the same time, there are ones who crave being in control. For the true dominants, this is not something that comes from a place of weakness. Unlike the "control-freaks" we encounter in the traditional world, a true dominant understands the responsibility that accompanies accepting the submission of another. It is not something that is undertaken lightly.

Therefore, the very essence of a BDSM relationship is inequality. Both parties fulfill a particular role for the other. There is no pretense that both parties are acting in accordance with each other. The dominant is the one who is in charge of leading the relationship. It is the submissive who is fulfills the relationship by obeying the directives of the one in charge. He guides, she follows. Inequality at its finest.

Total Power Exchange

Taking this idea one step further, there is a concept in this lifestyle called "total power exchange" (the term "absolute" is often substituted for "total"). This move the power exchange to the extreme. The power breakdown under this circumstance is 100%-0%. All power lies in the hands of one. The other is meant to obey and follow. Again, this is a consensual choice that each party makes. However, both have responsibilities.

Many take exception to the idea of a total power exchange. They believe that a slave will retain some authority no matter how dedicated she is. Debates often arise in those instances where one works or has duties of tending to children. How can one be completely in the control of another when she has managerial tasks at work or is in charge of disciplining the kids?

I answer this question simply with the notion that it is his will for a slave to do these things. If it was not, she would not be doing them. Take the job as an example. My slave works outside the house. She is responsible for getting to work on time, performing the tasks set out by the company, and earning monies which are turned over to me. Her position is with my consent. This was something approved by me before she applied for the job. If I decide that she is not to work, then she would quit immediately. Of course, I must be accepting of the financial consequences of my decision.

That is an example of what it means to be under another's control. In a total power exchange, the other makes all choices for you. This is fundamental in a M/s relationship. A slave's position is to obey. The Master dictates the direction of the relationship.

Acceptance of Responsibility

One thing that few ever mention when discussing this topic is the acceptance of responsibility for all that transpires. It is easy for a dominant to blame a slave when things go wrong. This is the wrong approach. If a slave is following the directives set down upon her, then the Master is the one who takes responsibility for the outcomes. It is his decisions that her actions are based upon.

Few are up to this task. Newer people are drawn to the idea of having someone do all that he tells her to do. Usually, sexual antics are at the top of the list. Aside from this, many are not suited to take responsibility for another. In fact, they cannot take control of their own lives. This creates a quandary when one is looking to submit to another. There is nothing that is accomplished by submitting to one who is unable to run his own life. Sadly, most seem to fall into this category.

I always caution newer people to think about the responsibility side of the BDSM equation. It is not all fun and games. The online world makes it look so easy. It is not. The reality is that there are many pitfalls to a BDSM relationship. Effort, communication, and discipline are required if people are to succeed. There is a lot more to a BDSM relationship than just sex. People need to look beyond that.

In the end, is there a BDSM relationship without an exchange of power? I dont believe so. It is the one aspect that is fundamental to this way of life. Those who are seeking to maintain equality arent entering into the BDSM lifestyle. Instead, I think they are simply seeking to add some kink to their lives. This is a far cry from living a life with the exchange of power as a central theme. Total exchange of power is at our core.

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September 1, 2010

Public BDSM

This is one of those posts that is going to upset many. But, in keeping with my m.o. in this area, I am going to write it anyway. There is a lot that needs clarification for those who are newer to this lifestyle. In the end, they are the ones who really matter. Those who waltzed around this life whether online or in real time have their own ideas.

The Public BDSM Life

What do I mean by the "public BDSM life"? I use this term to refer to any of the scene or cyber BDSM that is so easy to come across. People are willing to "expose" themselves in these arenas. While there is a certain value to it, much of this behavior is based around fantasy.

Have you ever wondered why so many come to this life with the mindset that their submission (or domination) only pertains to sex? The answer to this is because this is how this life is promoted. The public BDSM community is one based around sex. When one cyber-dominates, it usually involves a cam and sexual pleasure. Many are told to get naked and play with yourself; few are ordered to go clean the toilet. The cyber atmosphere is all sex.

The same is true for the BDSM scene. Go to any club and you will find people in bondage being flogged or whipped. There is a sexual orientation to that activity even if actual sex is not part of the scene. Again, this is what is promoted. It is not a forum where one is told to get the shopping done after she takes care of the yard. This is another public venue where sexual energy rules the day.

True Lifestyle People

I use the term "lifestyle people" solely to draw a distinction. The truth is this is not a lifestyle but, rather, our life. We are people who choose to live a certain way. Nevertheless, we are engaged in life the same as everyone else. That is why we have all the same challenges are the rest of the modern world. This is where reality and fantasy split.

Many of us who experience real time, in-person domination understand what it feels like to be on the respective ends of the power exchange. This is experience that can be really beneficial to a newer person. However, few are willing to engage in the sharing of this knowledge because of the misconceptions offered by the public BDSM people.

We all have encountered the one who has no real time experience yet is convinced that he or she knows all the answers. Many arguments have arisen over the online versus real time concepts. Without delving too deep into that discussion (since that is not the point of this post), I will state that there is no replacement for real time experience. We all know that the fantasy element cease to exist when two people live under the same roof. Surviving the daily grind of life while maintaining a relationship is the real deal. BDSM based or not, relationships are trying no matter how well people interact.

As one who has gone 12 rounds with the meatheads in the online chatroooms, I can attest to how the desire to put forth the truth can leave. Many of the people who have real time domination or submission experience are reluctant to enter these arenas for this simple reason. There are so many who exist only in the fantasy and ego-driven based online community. Those who have the real time experience to assist one in navigating through the true minefields of a D/s relationship are too busy running the other way. Simply, they have no desire to interact with the online mindset.

The Truth

In A Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson's character shouted "You can't handle the truth". While he wasnt referring to many of those who are engaged in online BDSM, the statement is just as applicable. The truth is that BDSM, while a wonderful way to live, is not the glamorous, sex-filled life that the public persona leads one to believe. Basically, 24/7 does not mean round the clock sex. Yet, this is something that many do not want to hear.

The truth is that we live in a relationship just like everyone else. Many of the same interpersonal skills that are required for success in all areas of life are needed here. It is amazing to see people who were total failures in every type of relationship entering this life believing that suddenly things will be different. The bottom line is that if you are socially inept, you chance of success here is as limited as in the traditional world. This is the first thing that people do not want to hear.

Another sad fact is that real time is no where near as exciting as online. The fantasy world is limitless in its potential. We can create whatever reality we desire. Life can be perfect with Master being the most wonderful man in the world. A slave is ever obedient online never even considering letting her Master down. Of course, reality is another story.

Real time offers a much different set of orders. Instead of being told to strip naked and play with yourself, one is ordered to make my dinner and clean the kitchen. Over time, a slave progresses not to where she learns more ways to sexually satisfy her Master but, rather, to have dinner ready before he asks. She anticipates his needs and is there to fulfill them. Much of her day is spent cooking, cleaning, running errands, and working. This is not exactly the life of glamor and excitement. Nevertheless, the online community wants to hear nothing of this sort.

Head In The Sand

In the end, many want to stick their head in the sand. They do not want to hear the truth. I had this discussion with one who I know with many years experience in this life. She flatly stated that offering her viewpoints online was a waste of time since newer people did not care to hear the truth. Instead, they were more interest in seeking the fantasy as opposed to learning from one who lived for years in real time relationships. Sadly, there is a nugget of truth in what she says. Most would prefer to believe the sexiness of this life.

This brings me back to the original point. The experience lives this in private. There are few who share the truth since there are so many who prefer to promote the fantasy. Perhaps the masses will want to pull their heads out of the sand at some point. But, until that time comes, I fear the message that will be delivered will be more of the same. Fantasy, while not as rewarding, is a lot sexier than reality.

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