September 30, 2009


If there is any single topic which creates controversy within the BDSM community, it is the idea of being a "switch". For whatever reason, there is a mindset which says one must be either dominant or submissive. The idea that someone could have both tendencies is foreign to most. For this reason, they discount this sector of people in an unpalatable manner.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered the subject of switches. This is a topic that is not written about too often and I believe this leads many to fail to get the answers they seek. Whenever the topic is broached in forums online, I see the fangs come out. Many are comfortable degrading those who claim to be switches by denouncing their sincerity. The idea that both domination and submission ring within an individual causes others to call them "fakes" and "pretenders". I find this sad since there are so many true fakes and pretenders who need to be called out.

Here is my skinny on people who are switches. To start, they are as normal and natural as everyone else in this lifestyle. Just because they are different does not make them any less so. They play an important role in the BDSM community with the presence being heralded as opposed to denounced. Their quest for happiness is found within the same lifestyle as the rest of us. And, their trek to get here mirrors ours in the frustration and catastrophes experienced in the traditional world.

Switches simply are people who have both tendencies naturally. While this will vary from person-to-person, it seems there are situations which brings out one versus the other. For example, I run across women who like to dominate a woman while being submissive to a man. Their preference is based upon gender. I also met women who dominated their husbands while bringing me in to dominate them. These people use the type of relationship to dictate their choice at that moment. Finally, there are some who allow the individual personality of the other person to dictate how they behave.

This is just a snapshot of some of the behavioral types that I encountered. As mentioned, I am certain there are many more. The bottom line is that these people are just as welcomed in BDSM circles as Masters and slaves with 20 years experience. Online degradation of these individuals shows the fallacy of the people involved in those particular venues. Anyone who takes the time to explore inwardly what he or she is naturally belongs in this way of life. Sadly, as we all know, the online world is full of people who are pretending to be something. My experience tells me it is not the switches who are pretending. One might want to look at the "Masters" and "slaves".

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Letting Them Fail

Failure is our greatest teacher. The situations where we fall down are the ones which propel us forward at a later date. Experience often is the best teacher there is. For this reason, there are times when a Dom/Master simply needs to let one fail.

We all want to protect those who are under our control. This is shown in how a parent wants to protect a child from harm. It is natural and healthy. Of course, some become so overbearing where they will not let the child do anything. We all met those types.

Any rational parent knows that it is impossible to protect a child from everything. In fact, those who are overprotected tend to grow up maladjusted. It is through the trials of life that one grows.

A sub/slave needs to be treated in the same manner. Much of her (or his) growth will come from making mistakes. This is a natural and necessary part of the process. All of us differ in our talents, experiences, and desires. We are a sum of all that preceded us to this point. Failure is an experience we need.

Many want to take a sub/slave by the hand and guide her through all things. This is the wrong approach in my opinion. I believe it is more effective to show one what is required and let her feel her way through things. This might seem like a bit cold-hearted but it creates better results long-term.

Letting a sub/slave fail helps her to grow. Often, the knowledge from the situation overrides the need for punishment. Punishments are meant as a way to alter behavior while emphasizing a point. If a sub/slave learns the lesson, the point is emphasized. Typically, the fact that she disappointed is enough for her to learn the lesson.

Therefore, approach a sub/slave the same way that you would a child. Allow them to fall at certain times. This will lead to growth which is something that all healthy relationships experience. Remember, when we are not growing, we are dying.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 29, 2009

Striving To Be The Best

Are you a person who is seeking to continually grow? Do you spend your extra time watching television and senseless surfing the web? Or do you invest that time in yourself to become skilled at what you are doing?

Why do I ask these questions? I know this is a BDSM blog and not a motivational speaker's forum. However, the answers to these questions are telling of the kind of person that you are. In addition, it also reveals how successful you will be in this lifestyle.

BDSM is ever changing (at least to the individual). A quick search online will show you how many different facets there are. Anyone who feels that he or she is the holder of all the knowledge needed is mistaken. Life is a continual lesson. The same is true for BDSM.

I spent the better part of the last decade living this way of life. Nevertheless, rarely does a day pass where I do not encounter something new. While I will admit that these revelations are not earth shattering, they do show how I still am missing a bit of knowledge. When one considers all the different components of BDSM, you could literally make it a lifetime study. Hell, knot tying alone is something that can occupy the next 5 years. The truth is that more is to be learned.

Remember this as you travel through you BDSM relationships. It matters none whether you are a Master, Dom, Domme, sub, or slave. Each person can always grasp new material. We are never finished the learning process. Attaining "expert" status is a lifelong journey. Mastering one area simply means that you are a novice when you move onto something else. This is a precept of the universe and one that we are aligned with. Each day is a new beginning.

Therefore, my suggestion is to strive to be the best in all that you do. If you are a slave, serve you Master with all the vigor that you have. Try to better yourself each day so that you are more valuable to Him (or her). The same holds true for those in the dominant position. Be the best Dom/Master the world has ever seen. Learn all you can so that the one in your control enjoys the life to the fullest. My experience says that following this mindset will lead to success.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Master/slave Flag

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September 28, 2009


In reading online conversations, chats, blogs, etc, I see a great deal written about the need for a sub/slave to trust the one that she chooses to submit to. This is worthwhile exercise and a basis for a successful BDSM relationship. I am a believer that there will be no long term success without this crucial component at the core. However, this is a two way street, a fact often overlooked by most.

Obviously, anyone who is looking at submitting needs to be aware of the qualifications of the person he or she is submitting to. Many will claim to be Masters while only having read a few online blogs. Suddenly, they feel that capitalizing the first letter of their name makes them experienced. This occurs on a daily basis and one needs to be careful.

The reverse is also true. Anyone who is looking to receive the submission of another needs to be sure he can trust her. There are as many fake slaves as there are Masters. Many get online while being attracted to the idea of having someone taking care of them. This is a wonderful experience when the relationship exists in the virtual realm. However, when it moves to real time, problems are encountered. It seems the willingness to please sometimes disappears.

I find many truly are not committed to this lifestyle. To me, being respectful to the way of life some choose to live is imperative. There are many actions which are not only a "slap in the face of the Dom/Master" but also to the lifestyle itself. This is unacceptable to me. When a sub/slave makes that choice, serious consideration needs to be given to whether she is "worthy" of being owned. The truth is that the majority cannot handle the extreme nature of this way of life. We must be sure someone is willing to adhere to the premise that is set down.

The foundation of BDSM is the exchange of power. When one opts for the more extreme facets, i.e. M/s, the power breakdown is absolute. All decisions reside with the Master. This is something that all agree to when submitting yet want to test when things are not going her way. Here is where we see the real time problems exist.

To me, this is a way of life that I take seriously. Those who enter it with the idea of "testing the waters" need to look at what they are doing. This is something that one cannot just dive into without certainty that it is how she wants to live. Those who feel they can just change their mind on a whim do not understand the basic premise of BDSM. They are better off remaining in the traditional world.

Trust is something that takes time to develop. However, it can be destroyed very quickly. Those who break trust by going counter to the foundation of BDSM are risking ending up left out. There are many in this lifestyle who will leave a relationship once that trust is tarnished. Those who feel they can atone for this action often are surprised to learn that they cannot. Sometimes trust is destroyed so badly that it cannot be rebuilt.

Naturally, each situation is different. Nevertheless, one needs to be aware that many do not take this lifestyle lightly. We are just as committed to it as most are to marriage. This is how we choose to live and anyone who treats this as a game is insulting us. Therefore, I suggest watching how you interact with those who are already enjoying this way of life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 25, 2009

Come Hell or High Water!

This should be the motto of everyone who is in a Dominant/submissive relationship, especially M/s. The position of that person is to serve. Whatever is instructed, it is the responsibility of a submissive to fulfill that request, come hell or high water.

I see many who make feeble attempts at producing the results the dominant one desires. They approach the task as if it is something that was just suggested in passing. Even if this is the thought of the Dom or Master, it is a sub's position to fulfill that request.

The point behind this concept is that it shows the dedication that one has to her Dom/Master and the lifestyle. Most of us take this way of life very seriously. It is not something that is subject to negotiation. We live this because it is the chosen route for us. People who take a "half-assed" approach show their insincerity. Any sub/slave who is not willing to put forth complete effort on behalf of her Dom/Master is showing her lack of consideration for this way of life. I often feel this is a slap in the face of everyone who takes this way of life seriously.

I am a believer that there are no excuses. Certainly there are times that fulfilling a request is impossible. For example, it might be unrealistic to expect a slave to get the shopping done if she has no money. There are also times when an instruction might be out of a slave's ability. Asking her to move a 500 lb boulder without any equipment will not happen. If this task is to reach completion, it is a Master's responsibility to provide her with the tools to do that. Nevertheless, these are circumstances, not excuses.

Excuses are what is offered as a feeble attempt to distract the dominant one. It is basically a bullshit reason why something that could have been completed is still pending. This goes beyond valid reasons. Excuses are given when 100% effort was not given to the completion of the assigned task. They are a part of the vernacular of those who do not live by the "come hell or high water" philosophy.

A person who takes this approach to everything he or she is told will never have to offer up lame excuses. That individual can look his or her Master in the eye and say "I did all I could". If complete effort was put forth, any sane one will be accepting of that. A slave's motivation for obedience will show through. However, the desire must be present. Too many seem to take a light-hearted approach to things. Again, this shows a lack of respect.

Think about this approach when you are assigned a task. It will make you more successful.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 20, 2009

Be Wary of "Experts"

I write this blog not as an expert; instead I am simply one who is sharing my experiences in this way of life. The same is true for my books. They are nothing more than the experiences I had over the years parlayed into words for you to benefit from. If there is something that you disagree with or is not for you, then pass by it.

That being said, I see so many who want to present themselves as experts. They are usually the people with lives that are complete train wrecks. The online world is full of know-it-all who typically are void in the experience department.

I have yet to meet a perfect slave. By the same token, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Nor are there perfect Masters. I, for example, am far from perfect. My life is in the toilet at times. A slave can drive a person nuts. The same is true for a boyfriend, husband, wife, and children. This lifestyle is no different in that regard than any other part of life.

"Experts" tend to gloss of realism. They present enough information to be credible yet lack the insight into what is truly transpiring. It takes years (even decades) to become an expert at certain things. I have been in this way of life for over 10 years (off and on as explained in my book An Owned Life). Even with that amount of time, there are still things I encounter on a regular basis that are new. In other words, my learning never stops.

Would you consider yourself an expert on plumbing just because you read a book or visited a few websites? You might have a bit of theory that you know but your experience is nil. The plumbing profession is one of those old trades which trains people in a hands-on manner. In this field, someone with a year or two of experience is not considered an expert. Instead, they are called "apprentices". The training process can take 5 years until one is thoroughly knowledgeable about his or her craft.

BDSM is the same way. Just because one submitted 6 months, a year, or two years ago, that does not make him or her an expert. All relationships have a newlywed period in which both parties gloss over the defects of the other. This means that one with 6 months of experience is only starting to encounter reality. His or her experience is limited to only a few weeks.

All I write is for you to process and think if it applies to your life. These are my experiences which are constantly changing on a daily basis. Many of the topics are common to BDSM, and relationships, in general. Others are simple experiences which might apply to only a few. There is a saying which I feel works well: "take what you want and leave the rest". Apply this principle to all that you encounter.

There remains a lot of garbage written about BDSM. I see "slaves" sharing their experience when it sounds like they are Dommes. Many want to show the new people what this is all about while only finding this lifestyle a few months ago. And there are some who blog based upon the writings of others. Each of these people have a right to do what they do. However, be leery of how you listen to. The person proclaiming to be an "expert" usually is not.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 18, 2009

TPE=Total Commitment

At the core of the BDSM relationship is the exchange of power. This is where BDSM differs from traditional relationship. In BDSM, there is one party who is dominant while the other is submissive. Equality is something that is non-existent. The only differing factor is how much power is exchanged.

In my book, An Owned Life, I explain the differences between a sub, slave, and switch. Each of these categories involved the exchanging of power. Nevertheless, the major factor between a sub and a slave is that the later completely gives up control in all areas. The exchange of power is total. A sub, on the other hand, is one who retains power over certain pre-determined areas. Also, the submission is also usually good for only a finite period of time. Once that event (scene) is over, so is the submission.

For one who wants to go to the degree of slave, one must be prepared to be fully committed to that idea. I see many who claim to be slaves when in fact they are unwilling to "give it all up". Their actions differ from their words.

I came across one blog where the blogger professed to be a slave. In reading her posts, I was amazed how controlling she was. She often wrote about how she was the instigator of things in her relationship. One post mentioned how she "attacked" her Master sexually when he came through the door. This is not something that a slave does. This shows that she retained the power over deciding when sex would occur. Not a slave's place. Again, we need to remember the extreme nature of a total power exchange. None is retained.

Words also have an impact on the mindset of someone proclaiming to be a slave. Often, I will hear words used which show that he or she still believes they have some power. The position of slave is not firmly rooted in his or her mind.

For example, a slave cannot own property. It is a well known fact that property cannot own property. I mean, can you see your car owning a bicycle? It does not fit. The same is true for a slave. He or she commits to a life where the role of property is undertaken. That is what is meant by "being owned". Well, if one is owned, how can that person own anything? He or she cannot. Yet I often hear people refer to "my ________". There is no "my" in a TPE relationship. Everything is the property of Master.

Does this sound like too much for you? For many it is. There is nothing that says one needs to become a slave (or a Master) to enjoy the merits of BDSM. We have many different types of relationships within this arena. However, for those who claim to want to be involved in TPE, it is best to know the decision being made. TPE is a total commitment to that person and to the lifestyle. It should not be taken lightly.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 17, 2009


How willing are you to adhere to the wishes, instructions, and desires of the one you submit to? "Very" you answer. Is this so? Are you truly committed to doing as he or she says? No exceptions? Day after day? This is something that I suggest you give intense thought to. Being wrong on this single point will create an assortment of problems in your relationship.

The reason I bring this up is because I see many who claim to be willing yet act in the opposite way. By their actions, it is easy to determine that they desire control. They act in opposite to what they say.

This lifestyle is an ideal fit for many people. However, there are many who try to live in this way while not being cut out for it. It is like a "square peg in a round hole"; it will never be an ideal fit.

My belief is that a sub/slave is to grow over time. This is one of the primary responsibilities of a Dom/Master. It is his (her) onus to plan a course for her growth. In my book, An Owned Life, I mention that this is how a Dom/Master will increase the value of his property. Without growth, there is not much hope for a BDSM relationship in my opinion.

Much of the growth in life is a long term process. For this reason, one needs to be dedicated and committed to the end that is set down for her. Whether it is losing weight, quitting smoking, or ceasing a poor habit, action is required on a daily basis. Are you willing to take that action daily without constant attention? There is nothing more frustrating to me than to "babysit" a slave. Once the intended outcome is explained, I expect her to take the daily action towards that end.

I understand that there are times this is difficult. That is why I asked the question about willingness. People tend to allow themselves the luxury of "slacking off". They justify why the action could not be taken. This is hogwash. If the lives of your children depended upon completing the assigned task, I bet you would complete it. This is what it means to be "willing".

This is also where the difference between online and real time comes into play. My experience is that it is far easier to obey when the relationship is completely online. However, this all changes when one lives in the same zip code. People who interact regularly go through a series of emotions on a daily basis. This is the nature of relationships. These emotions can often get in the way of us following out intended actions. Are you willing to move past this and do what you are suppose to?

A sub/slave should be a testament to her Dom/Master. Sadly, one who misbehaves is an embarrassment to him. So too is one who repeatedly slacks off on what she is told to do. Sneaking an occasional cigarette when ordered not to is not appropriate behavior. This is a sign of a sub/slave remaining in charge.

In my life, actions have consequences. When I deal with those I own, I do not expect to have to "look over their shoulders" all the time. Often, I will state something one time with the expectation that it be accomplished. If a slave is not disciplined enough to handle what she is told to do, then she is not acting to make my life easier. To me, this is extremely counterproductive. This situation causes the removal of benefits until my wishes are completed.

Once again, consider your willingness to serve your Dom/Master. Are you willing to adopt the discipline, tenacity, and perseverance to please him? Success in a relationship is not a one time thing. It is something that must occur on a daily basis. This applies equally to the BDSM world.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 16, 2009

Efficient Use Of Time

I would like to thank all those who commented on my post titled "Online Attraction". If you haven't checked it out, there is a wonderful discussion starting with a few different participants. Valuable insight is being offered up by all.

Today, I would like to approach the BDSM from a more practical standpoint. Efficiency experts tell us the best use of one's time (in all walks of life) is for a person to focus on the most important tasks. What I mean is that one utilizes his or her capabilities for maximum gain while delegating lesser activities to others. For this reason, we do not see executives answering their own phones. It is far more productive to have an hourly employee fill that role while the executive concentrates on more important matters.

The M/s lifestyle, specifically, is like this. Ideally, a Master (or Mistress) will want to use his or her slave's time for maximum benefit. Having the slave concentrate on "lower" level activities allows the Master to dedicate time to other endeavors. This is a practical use of the M/s relationship.

On a personal note, I have a slave handle most of my household tasks. This allows me to focus my attention on other things like my writing. Also, there are a range of activities that she does which make my life easier. This is the role that a slave plays. Another one of my slaves handles much of the interaction with my IT personnel and the associated problems there. Here is another example of where I am freed up to dedicate myself to other things.

How a Master chooses to spend his or her time is up to that person. Not all choose to be productive with the time. Many will lounge around on the sofa watching television or reading a book while the slave attends to the appropriate chores. This is all a matter of personal preference. The important factor is to realize that the slave is freeing up the Master's time while making life easier for him (her).

This brings up a point about the previous post that I mentioned which had the discussion going on. Online relationships fail to net a Master more efficiency with his (her) time. Typically, a slave is not in a position to handle the tasks needed to make a Master's life easier without physically being there. Household details are left to him unless he pays someone else to do them. Yard work and other chores cannot be delegated under this scenario either. In short, I surmise that a slave has a difficult time making a Master's life easier when online. It is really only when the relationship moves to real time does that opportunity present itself. Of course, there are exceptions.

Just some food for thought.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 14, 2009

The Online Attraction

What is the attraction of being involved in BDSM online? Why do so many partake in it without ever moving into anything that looks like reality? How come so many people mistake it for being real when all evidence shows the contrary?

I guess if I could answer all these questions I would be the world's foremost expert on online delusions. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts about what occurs for people to get so wrapped up in something that seems so inane.

To start, many people have horrible lives. The truth is that most individuals are unhappy with their life. This statement applies to all of society, not only BDSM. The average person lives in unhappy servitude to ideals that he or she did not chose. Many wake up after a couple of decades only to realize their fate is sealed. Responsibilities such as marriage, kids, and bills are too substantial to walk away from.

This is where the Internet enter the picture. This medium is the world's greatest masquerade ball. Anyone can assume any persona that he or she wants. The anonymity allows you to hide behind a facade that you cleverly create. Hence, all you dreams can come true.

I see this happen all the time. Most people online are misleading, at best, and complete fakes, at worst. They play their games in an effort to alter the reality that is their existence. Suddenly the bald, dumpy man is Bard Pitt while the overweight, chain smoking woman is Angelina Jolie. Also, our participants are able to mix in all the experience they can garner by simply reading a few web pages. It matters little if there was ever one day spent in a particular lifestyle. As long as one can talk-the-talk, there are no worries.

The attraction to online, especially in BDSM, is all the ups without the downs. Relationships are hard work. We all know that. People who interact with one another on a daily basis go through times of turmoil. This truth is multiplied when deep emotions are involved.

Online "relationships" allow all to "play" without dealing with the negative consequences. If a situation arises that one does not want to deal with, simply stay offline. That solves the problem. Real life differs in that we are not afforded this luxury. People have to deal with life circumstances which are often uncomfortable and upsetting. Online relieves us of this obligation.

Another aspect to online is that we can always put our best foot forward. Since we are dealing in fantasy, there is no need to reveal our true selves. Therefore, that drinking or drug problem is quickly hidden. The continual fight that one battles with his or her temper is not evident online. Whatever the quirk, it can be covered up in this fantasy world. Sadly, reality allows all our defects to some through.

My conclusion that online is stuff that fairy tales are made of. While I acknowledge the incredible wealth of information that is now available, the truth is the Internet allows misguided people to delve deeper into their anti-social behavior. Online relationships are not true relationships. They lack any human interaction. Those who believe them to be real suffer from delusions which might need professional help. They seem to have bigger issues other than just seeking a "pen pal".

Be wise in your use of the Internet. In the BDSM world, it is a wonderful tool to gain some knowledge and to meet people. You now have the ability to tap into people all over the world. However, be judicious in the emotion that you put into anyone you meet online. And, as soon as you can, get some real human interaction involved in the relationship. Start moving the process into real time.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 13, 2009


The mindset necessary to succeed in this way of life is vastly different than what is needed in the traditional world. Many find the transition difficult. It can be accomplished but requires some added effort.

To start, one, whether dominant or submissive, needs to be thinking of another. This should be the primary focus. (If kids are involved that changes the dynamics somewhat). This makes sense of a sub but seems strange for a Dom.

Let me explain. A Dom (or Master) is completely responsible for the path of another. When one submits to him, he assumes the onus of her life. The dominant is responsible for the safety of the one under his control. This applies to a scene in a D/s or her life in M/s. Safety is always our highest concern.

Society teaches us to "look out for Number 1". This is ingrained in us since we are small. After decades of having this outlook, the idea that we can instantly change mindset is inane. There is a process one goes through when first entering this way of life.

This lifestyle is not about compromise. M/s, in particular, is a relationship based upon a total exchange of power. A Dom/Master is solely responsible for what occurs. In traditional relationships the input of another is vitally important. Here, it is up to the dominant to decide. He might ask for ideas, but the decision falls upon him.

At the same time, a sub is not to think of herself. If she trusts the Dom/Master, then she should understand that her needs will be taken care of. Naturally she might not get what she wants all the time, but that is the nature of BDSM. In fact, one could say that is a truth of life.

Mindset is crucial for the success in the lifestyle. Holding onto the old thoughts of equality or "what's in it for me" tends to lead to frustration and heartbreak. This way of life is not for those who are unprepared. A shift in one's total outlook is necessary.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 12, 2009

Freedom To Choose

Many think they are free only to later realize that they lived in bondage. Obviously, writing about BDSM would entail mentioning bondage. However, the bondage we utilize is not exactly what I am referring to. In this instance the bondage is that which society puts on each of us.

We are all apt to be influenced by the conditioning of those around us. Everyday we see television ads, editorials, and remarks from our loved ones all which shape our beliefs. We are taught what is "acceptable" and what is not. Those closest to us tell us they want us to be happy so long as our choices match up with their expectations.

BDSM is not something that the mainstream promotes as "normal". Instead, society pushes the traditional mode as what is best for all. We are suppose to all fit into a "cookie cutter" type design for life. This is where much unhappiness comes from.

Those who willingly chose to get involved in BDSM realized they did not fit into the traditional model. We have tried that one and found it lacking. Therefore, we sought out a different way to live our life. Relationships are the business of the two people involved. Nevertheless, society has a way of sticking its nose into them.

It takes courage to go against the flow and choose what is right for oneself. William Shakespeare said "to thy own self be true". These words echo the sentiment I believe since I chose to live life this way. Each person needs to understand how powerful the social conditioning is.

The only way to be free is to make the conscious choice of what you want. Others will attempt to do that for you. Be prepared for some backlash when your decisions go contrary to their belief system. Beliefs are more powerful than the strongest prison. The walls of Sing Sing do not compare to the bondage placed within one's own mind.

We live in an alternative lifestyle. Just by the definition, our way of life is not common within society. Therefore, be ready to enter into the minority. For many, this is the path to freedom; for others, a fearful endeavor which is too difficult. See which category you fall into.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 11, 2009

Lack of Connection to Reality

If I read another post about "how my Master is absolutely wonderful and ideal", I am going to puke. Whenever I read this, I know that someone is lacking a connection with the real world. The simple truth of the matter is that nobody is ideal and that we all have our moments where we are less than spectacular.

I wrote that it is dangerous to put a Dom/Master on a pedestal. To me, this borders on "hero worship" which has no place in the BDSM community. We are all just people. The fact that someone appreciates the other person is wonderful. However, reality has to set in.

Using myself as an example, I will tell you that I am irritable, angry, intolerant, and frustrated. These are all emotions I experience throughout the course of a month. Of course, I am also happy, excited, passionate, and joyful at times. If you will notice, I just provided a partial list of human emotions.

To add to the situation, there are times when I fail to handle a situation properly. Some are led to think that I am unfair at particular times. Others will feel that I am playing favorites. Often I am accusing without evidence. Finally, my decisions might not always reflect the severity of the action.

Welcome to Life 101. We have the same issues as everyone else. It is no different than a newlywed gloating over her husband. Encounter that woman 5 years later to see if there is a difference in her outlook. Of course there is. This same woman will be complaining what a piece of garbage she married (okay maybe not to that extreme but you get the point).

The truth is that your Dom/Master isn't ideal or so wonderful. He (or she) is human. You might love and appreciate all he is but stop putting him on a pedestal. And, for Pete's sakes, stop gloating. Those who want to share with everyone the wonders of their Masters are usually the ones who are unhappy. They are using this as a front to cover up something else.

People need to get in touch with reality. People have flaws; this includes your Dom/Master. The rest of us are aware of this. Are you? If not, it is time to tap into reality.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

September 8, 2009

Getting Together

See if this sounds familiar: one goes online to meet people. In the course of his/her travels on the web, a BDSM site is uncovered. After doing some research by surfing different sites, our interested submissive (only for this example-could easily be a dominant) joins a chat room. In this place of nirvana, our newbie encounters many different prospects to submit to. After chatting a while, one in particular catches his or her attention. Thus the start of an online relationship takes place.

After some time, our fearless sub realizes the Gods were looking down because he/she beat the odds by actually finding someone who is real. This leads us to our next step where the two agree to meet. After the arrangements are made, the two get together for a lavish 10 days of real time BDSM. Everything is perfect. The decision is made to get in the same zip code and live in real time.

At this point I must interject in our little story. It might sound that I am saying this "tongue in cheek". Actually, I am being serious about the path these two are forging. Most everyone would be fortunate to have things play out this way. If you find yourself in this situation, consider yourself very lucky. My belief is that 95% of what happens online is fake. Most of the people in chat rooms are nothing but frauds. We all know the Internet is just "one big masquerade ball". Most people put their masks on as soon as they hit the power button.

Nevertheless, for those who are able to get to this point, this is where the real difficulty begins. For the majority who enter this lifestyle, there are other issues to deal with. Many have children who must be considered. Along with them usually comes an ex who might have an issue with you taking his/her children out of state (or country). And then there is always the job consideration. Many find it difficult to simply leave one profession and find an equal placement elsewhere. These factors come into most situations.

The point is that getting together with another is not easy. Even if everything aligns between the two people, there are always other people involved. Few have the luxury to up and leave without any responsibility. Those that do often face considerable flack from friends and family members. It is best to remember that few understand our lifestyle. They see our choices through their societal conditioned glasses. This leads to harsh judgments about something they know little about.

Many are cut out for this way of life. Sadly, before we find this, we often set up life in the traditional model. This puts us in a position where we need to transition from the old to the new. Often a great period of time is spent trying to work out all the details. This can take anywhere from months to years. It is best to prepare for a long process. Few make it quickly.

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September 7, 2009


Decisiveness is a trait that is critical for all Doms/Masters. It is something that the submissive types rely upon. Anyone who is indecisive will not instill confidence in another. Shoring up your decision-making skills is vital for success in the BDSM world.

I spent the last two days in a lethargic state. Much of this was due to getting a bit too much sun at the beach. However, being rundown physically affected my mental situation. I basically spent 48 hours in a state where I could not make the simplest of decisions.

This is something we all encounter periodically. We need to pay special attention to our physical state to ensure that we have the proper mental conditioning to deal with the issues which life throws at us. Also, we always need to remember that a sub/slave is dependent upon us for making the choices. That is the basis of the total power exchange.

Being a Dom/Master carries great responsibility. This is a way of life only for those who have the maturity to take on that burden. Owning another is not something that anyone can take lightly. When you are the "director", all eyes fall upon you. In the end, everything that occurs is a reflection on the Dom/Master. Lacking the ability to confidently make a decision shows how one is ill-prepared to be in this role.

Remember to be decisive with everyone you interact with. This is a trait of the successful Doms/Masters. It is best to practice it in all areas of your life. This will condition you to make it a habit. Decisiveness inspires trust which leads to loyalty. These are characteristics that are the foundation of all successful relationships. Pay special attention to how you approach the choices you have to make. Others are watching.

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September 6, 2009

Poly Master

Is your Master poly? Some are, many are not. Nevertheless, do not be upset if you suddenly find out that your Master is interested in taking on another. This is within the rights of a Master.

I encounter many who tell me they are interested in being slaves. They want to be "owned" and are looking for the right person to submit to. They have illusions of a wonderful relationship where he will focus all his attention on her. She, in turn, will wait on him hand and foot on their path to eternal happiness. Oh, and we cannot forget the incredible sex which surely is to occur.

As wonderful as this concept is, I am often amazed at the roadblock that one has when I ask about poly Masters. Most tell me they do not want to be in a poly relationship and will not get with someone like that. This statement comes usually within minutes of that person telling me she wants to be a slave. I see incredible irony in the two statements.

Here is a clue: it matters little what you think. This sounds harsh but welcome to M/s. If you submit to another, your life is in his control. He is the one who makes the decisions. Those who believe they have a say in the dynamics of the relationship are sadly mistaken. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. Read that again. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. A slave, simply by her very position, has no say in who else is involved in the relationship.

It is important to know what one's place is before entering into the lifestyle. Few choose to do this. They believe some bullshit passed along by someone telling how wonderful her Master is in a chat room. Of course, this person lives 3 times zones away from her Master and never met him. Yet, she feels qualified to reveal all she "knows" as actual fact. The truth is this person is totally clueless and warrants no attention to her words. This is one who is living a fantasy. Cinderella is in full swing with Prince Charming.

Those who live real time tell a different story. M/s relationships, like all, are difficult. Life is still life. However, we live in an environment where the exchange of power is absolute. It is all with the Master. If he decides that another will be brought in, that is his choice. This is true even if he mentioned that he wasnt poly when you first met. Things change over time and a slave needs to prepare herself for that change. Another catching a Master's eye is commonplace. Be prepared to suddenly have a sister.

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The idea of being property is one that is difficult for many to swallow. Being owned means that you submit to being the possession of another. That is the extreme part of the M/s lifestyle. For this reason, I feel that the majority of submissives cannot handle it. They are better off being involved in a D/s relationship where there are boundaries to the submission.

When one is owned, there are dynamics that many do not consider. The property concept really helps to emphasize some of these ideas which most overlook. Also, it reaffirms how all is ceded over to the Master.

I like to use the analogy to a piece of furniture. Often, property is valued based upon the uses that it provides someone. Furniture, for example, is useful only as long as it provides a benefit to the owner. When the item ceases to be useful, it is discarded in favor of something else. Or, as in the case with a sweater, it might be relegated to the back of a closet. Either way, the status of the item is based upon how useful it is.

Slaves seem to get wrapped up in their thoughts and emotions. This is not a place that a slave needs to go. When one is owned, the choices he/she makes is solely at the discretion of the Master. If that person is allowed to make choices, it usually is limited in a few particular areas where he/she is so trusted. The majority of decisions are made by Master and are final.

A slave needs to move more towards a neutral state. Many seem to want to hold onto an emotional bond while expecting the same from the Master. This is where many of the M/s relationship differ from the traditional world. Often, the feelings a slave gives are not reciprocated. As property, a slave is judged based upon how useful he or she is. Many come seeking to fill the void that was not present in the vanilla world. This commonly leads to unhappiness.

Another interesting thing about property is that it is not concerned how it is used. In fact, an item only does what it is designed to do. A sofa does not act like a television set. Nor does it replicate a sweater. Each item has a primary use even though some additional uses might be found. A coffee table, for example, is for placing items on. However, we all know that it can make an excellent footrest and seat. This item serves a few different purposes.

Slaves need not think that they need to serve every purpose. In fact, they cannot. Each person has ingrained talents that make her more effective in some areas. This means that she is better qualified to handle some activities. There has yet to be a slave who can provide everything to a Master.

The idea of being property seems like an emotionless journey. In many ways it is. Naturally, there are many different faces on the M/s relationship. Some are definitely within the confines of a loving, long-term relationship such as a marriage. However, not all will reflect this. Be mindful of this when you submit to another. The Master is the one who dictates the premise of the relationship after the submission occurs. This is the nature of M/s.

Many are left feeling empty when they believe that M/s is different than what it really is. They do not consider the effects their actions take. Having the expectation of a committed, loving relationship is not guaranteed. Many Masters know the concept of ownership and will treat one as such. Property is used for the benefit of the owner. That is the purpose it serves. A slave falls under this category whether she wants to admit it or not. Frustration over issues that are beyond her control only make the situation worse. When one is owned, she is property. To think otherwise changes the dynamic of the relationship.

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September 2, 2009

What Do I Tell?

This is a question that many subs/slaves ask themselves on a daily basis. What do I tell Him (or Her)? People often are confused just what they are suppose to take to the Dom/Master and what to keep inside. Naturally, without guidance, this can be a confusing proposition.

The job of a submissive type is to make the life of the dominant one easier. This is a topic which I write about quite often. However, there are certain things that a Dom/Master can help a submissive one straighten out. Therefore, most situations need to be brought forward.

I found that submissives will fall into one of two extreme categories. Either they want to tell the dominant one everything or keep it all within. Neither of these is a satisfactory solution.

Let us start with the one who wants to share all. As I just stated, it is her place to make His life easier. By taking every single incident to the Dom/Master, one ends up overburdening Him. Personally, I do not need to know every detail of the rift with the checkout girl at the supermarket. By the same token, there are certain conflicts which a Dom/Master can help one overcome. This is why there are certain things that should be brought to His attention.

I recently had this occur with one of my slaves. She is in a situation that is ongoing for the last few months. Everywhere she turned there was another roadblock. It got to the point where she was at her wits end. My slave knows I have a lot going on and she realizes her place is to unburden my life. Thus, she felt that it proper to not affect me with this dilemma.

Nevertheless, I sensed her frustration when talking to her on the phone. After some badgering, she revealed what the problem was. Within a few minutes, she was on the phone pursuing another solution. As of this moment the situation is still unresolved, but there are others now working on the problem.

Obviously, I cannot give you specific guidelines as to what is appropriate to bring to your dominant one. Each person is different so what I want mentioned might differ from someone else. Nevertheless, there are a few ideas worth mentioning.

To start, try to solve the problem yourself. Take a shot at arriving at a solution on your own. If there is a place that needs to be called, place that call to see if you get results. The best thing to bring to a Dom/Master is a resolved situation instead of a problem.

If there is something that needs mentioning, avoid complaining, finger pointing, and bitching. Like they said in Dragnet, "Stick to the facts ma'am". Tell him what is going on in as factual a way as possible.

Finally, clearly define your problem. It is stated that a problem clearly defined is half solved. Nothing frustrates me more than when a submissive brings a plethora of garbage to me that has no bearing on anything. Make sure that what you are focusing upon is the core issue. We can deal with that. Mishmash of ideas are more difficult to decipher.

These are just a few ideas to help with the communication with your Dom/Master. I would suggest that if you are going to err, it is better to tell him more than less. Withholding information from him is never a good habit to get into.

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