When one is new, at anything, the simple truth is they lack ability in whatever that area is. BDSM is no different. Everyone who comes to the lifestyle basically starts at the same point: knowing next to nothing. The process starts with the search for this knowledge and the Internet is a wonderful resource in the endeavor. There is a great deal of information explaining the basics of this lifestyle and what it is all about. This blog, as an example, is full of posts pertaining to many of the different situations that one will encounter. Of course, I must caution one to be careful what he or she pays attention to. While there is some wonderful stuff written by exceptional people within the BDSM community, there is also a lot of garbage out there.
Naturally, knowledge is only part of the equation. "Book" knowledge can only take us so far. After acquiring some of that, it is important for an individual to gain some experience. This can occur in many different ways. Many feel the next step is to get involved in a BDSM relationship which is not always the safest course. While it works for many, there are other options out there.
One effective way is to seek out some of the classes and workshops that people who are experienced in the BDSM lifestyle put on. While most of these are of the informational variety, there are certain programs designed with "hands on" experience. Aspects such as fire play, bull whipping, and suspension require extensive hands on training from someone who is proficient in this area. Gaining experience in this manner will assist your development which makes one more valuable. I look at it as bringing more to the table. The more skilled an individual, the more he or she can offer.
The aforementioned suggestions tend to deal with the "whips and chains" aspect of the lifestyle. While this is an important part of what we are about, it is not the entire story. Also, attention to this area is paramount for the simple fact that extensive damage can be inflicted if one is not careful. Safety is always the top priority. There is another area which takes everything to a deeper level and that is the psychology of BDSM and this is an area that few discuss.
Domination and submission exist extensively between the ears. While the core part of us, down near the pubic hair line, contains our domination and submission, it is the mental/psychological aspect which takes things to another level. So many concentrate on the "whips and chains" that they fail to realize what is truly offered by this way of life.
Psychological control starts with oneself. I am truly amazed at the number of people who claim to be dominant yet are woefully inept at exerting any influence over themselves. They are a wreck emotionally, their financial situation is in the toilet, physically they are ailing (and not doing anything about it), and mentally they stopped growing. To me, these are not signs of one who is able to take control.
Psychological control conveys bad imagery because of what we saw regarding mind control by the government and cult organizations. Bear in mind what I am referring to is not non-consensual. There is nothing manipulative or forced about this. Both parties are open and in agreement to what is taking place.
True domination involves taking all of the person. This includes her thoughts and emotions. One who is owned truly wants to feel that at the deepest level. Simply barking out orders does not achieve this end. That basically is domineering which usually involves fear. When one is properly taking control of someone psychologically, he is able to walk her through a series of steps helping her progress in a desired direction. Again, I must stress this is consensual and the dominant needs to be fully aware of what he is doing. Pitfalls, most commonly from past experiences exist, at every turn.
For this reason, it is helpful for one to study and understand the basics of psychology. There are common characteristics in this area among all human beings. Subs/slaves have the same desires as everyone else ultimately. Obviously, how that fulfillment is attained differs from the traditional world yet the underlying motives are still the same. It is up to a dominant to uncover them and then concentrate on fulfilling them. This is what creates a happy relationship while allowing for continued growth of both parties.
In summary, your entry and existence in BDSM is a journey of your own personal evolution. Growth is a process and without it there is only death. There is a saying that you are either going forward or backwards, there is no standing still. So the question is which direction are you moving towards?
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