Dominant All The Time

We all have our Masters. This is simply a fact of life. Those who live in the real world understand this simply yet imperative concept. However, many seem to like to exist in the fantasy of the Internet which presents a different outlook.

Quality

Domination, like submission, is nothing more than a quality that a person has. It is something that comes naturally. For this reason, I find the path into the BDSM world is about uncovering what is naturally within a person. Too many try to 'become' something. My experience is that one needs to look within to see what is already there in an effort to expand and grow that aspect of oneself.

Nevertheless, since we are referring to something that is a quality, it is important to realize how that fits into our lives. Domination is something that comes naturally to many people. However, when one realizes it is a quality (characteristic) of a person, he or she understands that one does not live 'all domination, all the time'. We all have our Masters.

For example, I am of the dominant ilk. Over the years, I owned a number of slaves. My natural desire is to bear the full responsibility of each situation. Control is something I desire, not to make up for a lack within me but, rather, to appease what is at my core. In other words, it is safe to say that I easily fall on the dominant side of the coin.

That being said, there are times when I am as submissive as they come. No, this does not make me a switch. However, put me in front of the judge and you will see a subservient Master. "Yes Sir or Ma'am" will be uttered quite frequently. The same is true when I am pulled over by a police officer. In reality, there are certain people who have control over me because of the authority they wield. If the choice is between keeping my statements respectful or going to jail, the former is the option I like.

Common Sense

When dealing in reality, common sense is a trait that need to be practiced. Too many like the idea of residing in the fantasy world of the Internet where he or she can assume a role completely. While this might have some payoff in terms of enjoyment, nobody, in their right mind can assert that it is real. No common sense is required in this arena. People can be as foolish as they want usually without consequence.

The situation is different for those who dwell in reality. We all need to be prudent in our choices. Those who lack this ability end up creating more trouble for themselves. Those who want to be dominant all the time suffer ill consequences. For example, have you ever walked in and told the owner of the company all that he or she is doing wrong and what you 'know' what needs to be done? If you did, how was that received? Those who walk around the workplace dictating to everyone else what needs to be done, especially without the authority to do so, find themselves out of work. Unemployment is a common outcome.

Relationships are the same way. Most people gravitate towards equitable split relationships. For this reason, most do not like to be 'controlled' by their friends or lovers. They like to have some say in what is done and decisions that are made. Our 'eternal dominant' elicits ill feelings from others. The 'take charge' attitude wears on people. Thus, the consequence is usually a lonely existence.

Common sense dictates that there situations where it is proper to assert one's domination. At the same time, there are also many instances when backing off is the best option. Usually, there is a correlation between whether it is my business or not. If it is my responsibility, then I can express my control. Anything outside of that realm sees me just being overbearing and a know-it-all. Minding my own business is a lesson that is extremely important to learn.

In summary, it is unrealistic to believe that one is dominant all the time. There are situations on a daily basis which mandate letting someone else make the decision. The reasons can be due to authority, experience, or responsibility. Either way, there are times when it is best for a dominant to be submissive while keeping his/her mouth shut.

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Societal Lies: Domination

BDSM involves power exchange relationships of some type. This is the essence of the Domination/Submission part of the acronym BDSM. However, these are two qualities that society doesn't necessarily promote.

Domination-Not Overtly

Society seems to preach domination. It talks about being in control and taking charge. In the business world, we are taught to forge ahead while making the company more profitable. The wealthy are glamorized on television and in magazines. We follow the lives of Lindsey Lohan, Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, etc... This is a part of Americana that we cherish.

However, society actually degrades these people in a not so overt manner. We are taught that the rich take advantage of people and the wealthy are mean and arrogant. People like Donald Trump are equally pounded for having an oversized ego as for the deals he puts together.

At the same time, the male species was 'wussified' by the ever evolving sentimental mindset. Aggressive behavior is no longer an admired trait but one that gets a person entered into counseling. Men were taught to be sensitive; that it is okay to cry. They were taught to get in tough with their 'feminine' side so as to be mindful of feelings. The hard, coarse Marlboro Man was replaced with the Metrosexual.

In short, society is promoting its equality concept. A strong man being in charge is underhandedly slapped down. The elite write papers and books describing how destructive the animal instinct is in mankind. One who acts in an authoritative manner is found to be mean and insensitive. At the same time women were shown how to assert themselves more. It's no longer a 'man's' world. Instead, the battle of the sexes forged a new interaction with each genders roles changing.

Masters/Doms

Most Masters/Doms do not have what it takes to control and dominate. The natural instinct that was within each of these individual's was stamped out of them by society. Few are skilled at the art of making decisions, providing leadership, and taking control in risky situations. Instead, most excel at the fine art of procrastination, indecision, and indifference. This makes one a good slave in society's eyes (its goal) but an awful person to be in charge of a D/s relationship.

Those who succeed in power exchange relationships do not buy into the lies of society. One needs to know in his heart that it is perfectly acceptable to choose a life of domination. Since that is what is within one naturally, it is an easy transition to make...if one is willing to engage in the proper mindset. And that is where most fall down.

Domination is not something that can be faked. A submissive who is seeking someone to assume control will not submit to one who lacks the skills to uphold her. While some will impress a new one in the immediate term, the truth is that long term domination requires the skills I mentioned previously. Self discipline, another factor rarely talked about in the victimization world, is another component that will enable one to follow. However, as can be guessed, most lack this ability which negates their domination.

Masters/Doms need to continually have the mindset of excellence. The idea that one is moving towards elite status is what separates him from the masses. And separation from all the other noise is required to get (and keep) the attention of a true submissive. Excellence should always be on the mind of a dominant one. He is not one to settle. Everything around him is subject to his control. This is contrary to what society promotes but is basic for success in the D/s world.

So once again, excelling in the BDSM world requires one to shed the mindset that society promotes and not buy into its lies. Domination is just example of how many are ill prepared to live this lifestyle. It necessitates a total transformation in one's thinking.

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Clarity

This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because "they drifted apart". Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master (written about here). This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the "honeymoon" period ends with a thud. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people's lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.

The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a "play session" for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly? Are you seeking to be a professional Dom/Domme or just something for private use? This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom/Master requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception.

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Mistakes

It seems many have a misplaced idea about mistakes. Again, this seems to be something where common sense leaves the reservation when dealing with the M/s world.

In any activity, mistakes are the best learning tool. Often, the best
way to become adept at something is to try it and fail. It is through
the failing process that we gain some of the most valuable lessons. It
is a rarity where someone enters a new activity and is proficient at it
immediately. It takes some time to learn what is required. For example,
I am sure Tiger Woods hit a ball or two into the water. Einstein failed
in countless experiments. Lincoln lost numerous elections. Yet all
learned from previous experience to become successful.

A slave learns a great deal from the mistakes she makes. This is where
she gains valuable insight into how her Master would like her to behave. There are many ways to learn, but trial and error seems to be a part of humanity. It is how we best come to understand things. Therefore, mistakes are not something to be feared. They are a welcomed part of the growth process.

Many Masters seem to miss this vital point also. I hear of so many
slaves being punished for making a mistake. While I will grant that
repeated failure can be a sign of disobedience, a single error is not
necessarily cause for this action. I believe the most vital aspect of
any situation is that the slave learns the lesson contained therein. It
is more important to do that than for a Master to inflict punishment. A
mistake is not one acting bad. It is an opportunity to learn.

Again, for any of this to be relevant, a Master first needs to mindset
to lead His slave in the growth process. Unfortunately, many seem to
want to continually stifle the slave's abilities. It seems to be the
only way They feel that control can be maintained.

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Subs: A Misunderstanding

There is a lot mentioned about the difference between subs and slaves. Many posts online delve into the levels of exchange of power. I believe most of them chronicle these aspects well. However, one area that seems to be left to misunderstanding is what is meant by a "sub". It seems that most fail to see the varying degrees.

A sub is a person who submits. That is simple enough. In general terms, a slave is a sub (although a sub is not necessarily a slave: a Coke is a soda but not all sodas are Cokes). That being said, most have a common idea of what they mean when someone says they are a "sub".

The general meaning of a sub is that he or she is one who is sexually submissive. In BDSM, the exchange of power is the fundamental separator from the traditional lifestyle. Under D/s, a sub submits in certain areas. Typically, the one area that one is submissive in is the sexual arena. This is where the control is given over. One chooses to be dominated in the bedroom. The common belief is all other areas are off limits.

This is where things start to get cloudy. What about the person who is willing to submit in more areas than just sexually? Where does he or she fit in? I feel the overriding outlook is that the one who moves away from sexual submission is now entering into slavery. My experience tells me this is untrue. This misconception leads to failure since I sense the mindset of a slave is missing in these people. The leap from being a sub to a slave is enormous. Most fail to grasp this.

Getting back to our person who desires more, is he or she a slave because of this want? Not necessarily. It is possible to be more than just a "sex sub". Someone can offer to do the laundry, handle the yard work, or run errands for his or her Dom. Even though the boundaries were expanded, the nature of the relationship did not change.

The main difference between a sub and slave is in the exchange of power. When one enters into M/s, the exchange of power is complete. This fact affects all areas of one's life. Nothing is not open to the control and decisions of a Master (Mistress).

A sub retains control over certain areas that he or she chooses. For example, while submitting to running errands, a sub may keep his or her career off limits. The choice to work or not is in his or her hands as opposed to the Dom. This is a radical shift from M/s where the decision is the Master's. A sub always retains the ability to exercise control in certain areas.

The other area that differs is in the ending of the relationship. A slave needs to request release. Like all other decisions, in M/s, the relationship ends when the Master says it is over. It is his or her choice (unless there is some type of physical danger that the slave is in). A sub can decide to walk away whenever he or she chooses. The level of exchange of power is not to the same degree as under M/s.

Therefore, just because one moves his or her submission to areas other than the bedroom, this is not cause to call oneself a slave. This person is still a sub. The situation is altered in terms of the areas where the submission exists. Nevertheless, the nature of the relationship did not change. It is still D/s.

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Dabbling With BDSM

Often people think that the BDSM lifestyle is an all or none proposition. In reading the writings of many online, and including my own writing in there from time-to-time, it can be understood that one needs to fully commit to live this way of life or not enter into it.

This is a complete untruth. People can approach this lifestyle in whatever way they deem fit. Many times I write my assertion that there "is no one size fits all" methodology. Saying that there is the equivalent of one proclaiming there is only one way to be successful in marriage. This is a total myth. Each marriage is different; ergo every BDSM relationship is unique.

People, especially couples, often start by dabbling in this way of life. Many feel a certain urge in a particular direction but are unsure the full extent of that desire until they actually experience it. For example, many like the idea of being spanked but do not understand how much until it is felt. This is one of the more common ways to get into this way of life. Light bondage is also the other way that newer couples start to experiment with BDSM.

There is nothing that says you have to like or dislike any aspect of the lifestyle. You are free to go as far as you like with it. Some prefer the extreme facets while others opt to just "dabble" a little with their partner periodically. The bottom line is to do those things that make you happy. BDSM offers a lot to those who do the self searching to realize what excites them.

Taking a slow approach is usually the best track to follow. If both of you are new to this, I suggest doing a bit of research online by visiting many different websites to get a feel of what it is all about. On the other hand, if one of you has experience, I always mention to proceed with caution for the benefit of the newer person. This is magnified if the experienced one is dominant. Safety, especially psychologically, is of the utmost importance.

So, begin to dabble to see what interest you. Do not feel the need to commit to everything all at once. Over time, you will uncover what truly interests you. Some want to be a sex sub, others a full time slave. And, there are people in between those two areas. We welcome all flavors of BDSM so long as it works for you.

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Submissive Sexually

Many get confused as to the difference between a slave and a sub. It seems that some will view one as better than the other. New people can often be made to feel "less than" when interacting with a number of slaves. It appears that few appreciate the differences until they actually experience it in real life.

I will be honest in that it is my observation that few have the make up to be a slave. This is a position only for those who are extreme. The act of completely submitting all of your life to another is something that many cannot grasp. They proclaim that they can until they actually experience real time situations which affect them. This is where the resistance arises.

In simple terms, a slave is one who turns his or her life over to another. This person retains no control over any aspect of his or her being. In its true form, everything that occurs is only with the permission of the Mistress or Master. A slave has absolutely no say about the treatment that is received. In essence, this person is property.

There are a great deal who are attracted to this part of the lifestyle. They like the freedom that comes with absolving themselves of any responsibility. However, there is the down side to all this. Can you accept the fact that your pleasure is no longer important. Everything that you are about is suddenly changed to a total focus upon the needs of the Mistress or Master. The image in one's head rarely reflects reality.

The other aspect that many enter into is as a sub. I believe this is where most tend to fall on the scale. A sub is one who gives up control in certain areas of his or her life while retaining it in the other areas. Commonly I found that the area where one likes to be dominated is sexually. Therefore, a couple will get together for some D/s sex and then go about their lives as equals.

As mentioned, neither of these choices is better than the other. Both are acceptable as long as one is following his or her inner desire. Problems seem to arise when one tries to fit into something that he or she is not.

Being submissive is usually indicated by your sexual desire. After that, look at the concept of full and complete submission with your life. And remember, there is a big difference between having the desire to serve and being willing to submit completely to another. Reality rarely reflects fantasy.

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The Common Misconception

The Internet is the medium that took the BDSM lifestyle from the underground and enabled it to be more mainstream. While still considered an alternative lifestyle, today there is a lot more information available than existed before. Years ago, the only way to meet anyone in this way of life was to attend a munch. At that time, they were advertised in the local rags that promoted many off-beat activities. Thankfully, the Internet changed all that.

There was another problem that resulted from the explosion of this medium: misinformation. One of the main reasons why I wrote my book, An Owned Life, was to clear up some of the invalid ideas that exist. I see the fallacies that are presented each time I surf around the web. Today, anyone with a keyboard can become a writer. There are blogs out there which are posted by people who obviously have no idea what this life is all about. Sadly, there are those who believe these ideas that are presented.

Online, the sexual side of BDSM is presented. This is the part of the lifestyle that is focused upon. We have sites that have pictures and movies depicting all kinds of erotic scenes. Many of the blogs are written by people who write about nothing but their sex lives. Everything revolves around the idea that "he tied me up last night and had his way with me for hours". Sounds erotic, doesn't it?

While I will not downplay that sex is a part of this way of life, it is just that, a part. Living the BDSM lifestyle is about living. We all have lives that we lead. There are responsibilities such as children, job, and finances that we must attend to. The perception that this is all about sex is wrong. We are everyday people doing the same things most do.

Another factor that is lost in this is the idea that domination extends outside the bedroom. Sex is just one area where submission occurs. The BDSM experience entails applying natural tendencies to all areas of life.

What I witness is a lot of new people who are disillusioned at what they encounter. It is common to see one hold onto the idea presented online. Then, when entering a BDSM relationship, are surprised to find that it is not sex 24/7. They are baffled that they are not tied up nightly and used. The myth is being crushed without any insight as to why. This is were one needs to make the transition from fantasy to reality.

The bottom line is BDSM is all about relationships. This is something that we all have been dealing with since we were kids. Throughout life we interact with others to the best of our ability. Over the years, we assemble a variety of skills that allow us to succeed in different types of relationships. BDSM is no different. Get rid of the fantasy that you see online and understand that BDSM is a life choice. While we choose to structure our relationships differently, we still have the life part. Therefore, if you think BDSM will solve all your life problems, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Get back in touch with reality.

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Romanticizing The Lifestyle

This is a reality check. I encounter too many people who believe that entering this lifestyle will be the cure-all for everything that is wrong in their life. People somehow believe that submitting to another will alleviate any relationship difficulties of the past. At the same time, the idea of "owning" someone is viewed as a hassle-free endeavor. Unfortunately for these people, reality is far different.

I wrote a number of times about the lunacy of online relationships. Too many mistake them for being real. Online does not mirror real time at all. It is far easier to interact with someone when there is no face-to-face contact. Some believe that what they are experiencing is accurate. However, anyone who moved from online to real time will attest at the drastic difference between the two. The bubble bursts when reality hits.

Often, I will equate aspects of this lifestyle with marriage. With regards to what we are mentioning here, there is an analogy that is applicable. When people are younger, especially women, they have a tendency to romanticize marriage. Little girls can tell you all the dreams they have pertaining to their wedding day. It is a fantasy they carry with them.

My question is how often does reality reflect that fantasy? For most, the answer is never. Rarely does marriage end up being the golden path of eternal bliss. Marriage is a relationship. With it comes an assortment of difficulties as two people try to forge a life together. The last few decades witnessed the increase in marriage failures. Reality certainly is different than reality.

The same applies to this lifestyle. Those who carry with them the illusions of some incredible sex while submitting to a powerful one are mistaken. BDSM will not solve your life problems. Just because you submit to another, that does not mean that you are no longer responsible for your children. Financial issues plague us the same way as anyone else. And, Masters/Doms are people with the normal conditions that affect all humans. Life still exists.

My conclusion is that many look to this way of life to try and counterattack their failures in other areas. While BDSM offers something that is right for many of us who did not fit into the traditional realm, this is not something that is going to make up for complete ineptness in life. Some people are just terrible at relationships in general; not intimate but any type of relationship. They approach BDSM with the mindset that this will solve things. It will not.

The bottom line is to get realistic about what this way of life offers. If you are suffering in life, BDSM most likely will not solve it. People who cannot get along with others at work, in school, or in intimate relationships will not fare much better here. BDSM is nothing more than a lifestyle choice of how to structure a relationship. However, we must never forget it is a relationship and with that goes a lot of uncertainty.

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Trust

In reading online conversations, chats, blogs, etc, I see a great deal written about the need for a sub/slave to trust the one that she chooses to submit to. This is worthwhile exercise and a basis for a successful BDSM relationship. I am a believer that there will be no long term success without this crucial component at the core. However, this is a two way street, a fact often overlooked by most.

Obviously, anyone who is looking at submitting needs to be aware of the qualifications of the person he or she is submitting to. Many will claim to be Masters while only having read a few online blogs. Suddenly, they feel that capitalizing the first letter of their name makes them experienced. This occurs on a daily basis and one needs to be careful.

The reverse is also true. Anyone who is looking to receive the submission of another needs to be sure he can trust her. There are as many fake slaves as there are Masters. Many get online while being attracted to the idea of having someone taking care of them. This is a wonderful experience when the relationship exists in the virtual realm. However, when it moves to real time, problems are encountered. It seems the willingness to please sometimes disappears.

I find many truly are not committed to this lifestyle. To me, being respectful to the way of life some choose to live is imperative. There are many actions which are not only a "slap in the face of the Dom/Master" but also to the lifestyle itself. This is unacceptable to me. When a sub/slave makes that choice, serious consideration needs to be given to whether she is "worthy" of being owned. The truth is that the majority cannot handle the extreme nature of this way of life. We must be sure someone is willing to adhere to the premise that is set down.

The foundation of BDSM is the exchange of power. When one opts for the more extreme facets, i.e. M/s, the power breakdown is absolute. All decisions reside with the Master. This is something that all agree to when submitting yet want to test when things are not going her way. Here is where we see the real time problems exist.

To me, this is a way of life that I take seriously. Those who enter it with the idea of "testing the waters" need to look at what they are doing. This is something that one cannot just dive into without certainty that it is how she wants to live. Those who feel they can just change their mind on a whim do not understand the basic premise of BDSM. They are better off remaining in the traditional world.

Trust is something that takes time to develop. However, it can be destroyed very quickly. Those who break trust by going counter to the foundation of BDSM are risking ending up left out. There are many in this lifestyle who will leave a relationship once that trust is tarnished. Those who feel they can atone for this action often are surprised to learn that they cannot. Sometimes trust is destroyed so badly that it cannot be rebuilt.

Naturally, each situation is different. Nevertheless, one needs to be aware that many do not take this lifestyle lightly. We are just as committed to it as most are to marriage. This is how we choose to live and anyone who treats this as a game is insulting us. Therefore, I suggest watching how you interact with those who are already enjoying this way of life.

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The Online Attraction

What is the attraction of being involved in BDSM online? Why do so many partake in it without ever moving into anything that looks like reality? How come so many people mistake it for being real when all evidence shows the contrary?

I guess if I could answer all these questions I would be the world's foremost expert on online delusions. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts about what occurs for people to get so wrapped up in something that seems so inane.

To start, many people have horrible lives. The truth is that most individuals are unhappy with their life. This statement applies to all of society, not only BDSM. The average person lives in unhappy servitude to ideals that he or she did not chose. Many wake up after a couple of decades only to realize their fate is sealed. Responsibilities such as marriage, kids, and bills are too substantial to walk away from.

This is where the Internet enter the picture. This medium is the world's greatest masquerade ball. Anyone can assume any persona that he or she wants. The anonymity allows you to hide behind a facade that you cleverly create. Hence, all you dreams can come true.

I see this happen all the time. Most people online are misleading, at best, and complete fakes, at worst. They play their games in an effort to alter the reality that is their existence. Suddenly the bald, dumpy man is Bard Pitt while the overweight, chain smoking woman is Angelina Jolie. Also, our participants are able to mix in all the experience they can garner by simply reading a few web pages. It matters little if there was ever one day spent in a particular lifestyle. As long as one can talk-the-talk, there are no worries.

The attraction to online, especially in BDSM, is all the ups without the downs. Relationships are hard work. We all know that. People who interact with one another on a daily basis go through times of turmoil. This truth is multiplied when deep emotions are involved.

Online "relationships" allow all to "play" without dealing with the negative consequences. If a situation arises that one does not want to deal with, simply stay offline. That solves the problem. Real life differs in that we are not afforded this luxury. People have to deal with life circumstances which are often uncomfortable and upsetting. Online relieves us of this obligation.

Another aspect to online is that we can always put our best foot forward. Since we are dealing in fantasy, there is no need to reveal our true selves. Therefore, that drinking or drug problem is quickly hidden. The continual fight that one battles with his or her temper is not evident online. Whatever the quirk, it can be covered up in this fantasy world. Sadly, reality allows all our defects to some through.

My conclusion that online is stuff that fairy tales are made of. While I acknowledge the incredible wealth of information that is now available, the truth is the Internet allows misguided people to delve deeper into their anti-social behavior. Online relationships are not true relationships. They lack any human interaction. Those who believe them to be real suffer from delusions which might need professional help. They seem to have bigger issues other than just seeking a "pen pal".

Be wise in your use of the Internet. In the BDSM world, it is a wonderful tool to gain some knowledge and to meet people. You now have the ability to tap into people all over the world. However, be judicious in the emotion that you put into anyone you meet online. And, as soon as you can, get some real human interaction involved in the relationship. Start moving the process into real time.

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Freedom To Choose

Many think they are free only to later realize that they lived in bondage. Obviously, writing about BDSM would entail mentioning bondage. However, the bondage we utilize is not exactly what I am referring to. In this instance the bondage is that which society puts on each of us.

We are all apt to be influenced by the conditioning of those around us. Everyday we see television ads, editorials, and remarks from our loved ones all which shape our beliefs. We are taught what is "acceptable" and what is not. Those closest to us tell us they want us to be happy so long as our choices match up with their expectations.

BDSM is not something that the mainstream promotes as "normal". Instead, society pushes the traditional mode as what is best for all. We are suppose to all fit into a "cookie cutter" type design for life. This is where much unhappiness comes from.

Those who willingly chose to get involved in BDSM realized they did not fit into the traditional model. We have tried that one and found it lacking. Therefore, we sought out a different way to live our life. Relationships are the business of the two people involved. Nevertheless, society has a way of sticking its nose into them.

It takes courage to go against the flow and choose what is right for oneself. William Shakespeare said "to thy own self be true". These words echo the sentiment I believe since I chose to live life this way. Each person needs to understand how powerful the social conditioning is.

The only way to be free is to make the conscious choice of what you want. Others will attempt to do that for you. Be prepared for some backlash when your decisions go contrary to their belief system. Beliefs are more powerful than the strongest prison. The walls of Sing Sing do not compare to the bondage placed within one's own mind.

We live in an alternative lifestyle. Just by the definition, our way of life is not common within society. Therefore, be ready to enter into the minority. For many, this is the path to freedom; for others, a fearful endeavor which is too difficult. See which category you fall into.

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Confidence

This is one of the most basic qualities that a Dom/Master needs. One who is not confident cannot properly dominate another. It is just that simple.

Before going any further, we will reveal why the pretenders do not have what it takes to succeed in this area. Many seem to be confident by telling you how great they are. Those who demand they be called "Master" show how little they really have. Being a Master is more than just the way you are addressed. In fact, the failure to address one in that manner does not make one any less dominant. Yet, many will insist upon this because they lack confidence.

There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. We have all met the former. Those are the ones who talk a big game yet are really nothing in the end. In short, their actions fail to live up to their words.

Leaders in all walks of life strive to instill confidence in others. This is a basic necessity for effective leadership. Those who pull this off succeed. On the other hand, failure to instill confidence can wreck a leader's career. Take the Presidency as an example. While the President is instilling confidence in people, the approval ratings are high and Congress is apt to side with him. However, once the confidence in the President slips, all start to bail. Thus the term "lame duck" President.

A Dom/Master needs to have the same approach. There is no way a sub/slave will follow someone who lacks confidence. It is something that he or she is looking for in the other person. Certainty is trait that is craved. A Dom/Master fosters a certain atmosphere by being confident in his decisions. Wavering is not something that subs/slaves like to see.

We all met those people who are confident (as opposed to arrogant). There is an aura about them. They are the people who others are attracted to. Regardless of the situation, they are the individuals who keep calm in the face of a storm. At the end of the day, they instill confidence in you.

This is what an effective Master does. Trust is build upon this confidence. Over time, a sub/slave comes to have confidence in her Dom/Master. It is something that can occur naturally. However, for this is take place, he must first have that confidence within himself. This is not something that can be bluffed. Without it, the D/s or M/s relationship is doomed to fail.

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Being a sub

There are many who seem to confuse being a sub versus being a slave. In my book, An Owned Life, I spend considerable time detailing the differences between the two. For those who read this, the confusion quickly ends.

That being said, there are some in this lifestyle who seem to demean the position of subs. This comes not only from dominant types but also those who choose to go the slave route. For whatever reason, many believe that a sub is not as good as a slave. It is as if they are considered "submissive light". Nothing could be further from the truth.

A sub has nothing to be ashamed of. If he or she is simply following an inner inclination, then that is fulfilling a personal trait. Someone is not "less than" just because he or she is not cut out for 24/7 slavery. There are only a select few who truly can live this lifestyle in that manner. My experience is that most tend to fall under the sub category.

There is nothing wrong with one choosing to be a sub. Many want to retain control over certain areas of their lives. If this is natural for him or her, then it is most likely the right choice for that person. Trying to move further out into submission will not work. We would again encounter the square peg in the round hole situation.

Remember this idea the next time you are tempted to demean someone online who claims to be a sub. There are many different facets of the BDSM lifestyle. To ridicule anyone because they choose to live a different way is intolerable. This way of life is all about freedom. Those who choose to live differently are exercising that freedom and ought to be commended.

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Those Who Scream The Loudest

Does anyone remember Joe Isuzu. He was a character in the Isuzu commercials a number of years back. He use to make all kinds of outrageous claims followed by "Trust Me". Of course, this was said with a smile that resembles the one on the cat after eating the canary.

I bring this trip down memory lane up to emphasize how words mean little. Joe Isuzu was know for asking people to trust him. Naturally, most saw right through him. It is like buying a used car from a guy named "Honest Ed". The odds are great that he is less than honest.

Those who need to proclaim to be something usually are not. This is the way it is. True people do not need the self promotion to convince others of how they are. This is reflected in what they do and how they carry themselves. If I have to tell you how successful I am, the odds are that I am not.

I see many online who have to "scream" to get their point across. They take the approach "I am right, you are wrong". Yet, when one takes a look at who they are, we quickly learn they are nothing more than online trouble makers. The truth is they have no basis in reality. Online "Masters" or "slaves" are living in a world of fantasy. They know nothing when it comes to living in a real live BDSM relationship.

The online community has many ways to distinguish one's "place". The use of capital versus lower cased letters in the names is a prime example. I guess this is okay. But, what really get me, is the Y/you type writing. Who talks like that in real life other than someone who stutters. Perhaps those are the people they are trying to get across to. Nevertheless, the ones who use this writing are the ones who believe they have a clue as to what real time entails. They do not.

I have met many people who spent decades living this way of life. They are not into all this horse and nanny stuff we see online. They are too busy living. The online community has the people who want to claim to instantly be a Master. Being a medium that hides one's identity, this is difficult to uncover. However, put that same person in a real life situation with other Masters and he will be uncovered for the fraud he is.

Be wary of those screaming the loudest. When one is jumping from site to site causing havoc, it is usually a sign this person does not drift from the virtual world. One thing I noticed about the old-time BDSM people, they will express a view if asked. Other than that, they are going about their life.

Remember that nobody ever erected a statue for a critic.

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Can't Pick and Choose

Of late, I am focusing on the Master/slave aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. I am doing this because this tends to be an area where there is a great deal of misinformation. Since the commitment level is higher in terms of submission, the opportunity exists for many to get hurt. Much of this pain stems from the fact that people are ill-informed about what this way of life is all about.

I mentioned numerous times that what separates M/s from any other lifestyle is the complete and absolute exchange of power. This is the foundation for this way of life which all else is built upon. Simply, the slave cedes all power and control over to the Master/Mistress. Nothing is retained. The transference is complete.

Amazingly, this single idea is confused to all hell. I see too many who want to pick and choose where they will obey. This is not how it works. If this is the lifestyle you desire, then find someone who is willing to accept a sub where there are limits set for the power. However, if you want to call yourself a slave, then be willing to accept the way the life is.

Without a doubt, hard limits will exist. There are a variety of reasons for this. The most common one is the fact that many suffer the psychological effects of past abuse. In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how handling the psychology of the lifestyle in a safe manner is crucial. Many have not had the help necessary to overcome these pass abuses. For that reason, a Master (Mistress) needs to be aware and conscious of these limits.

That being said, there are many things which are not hard limits yet some try to claim they are. This is manipulative and a reason for release. Someone who is suited to be a sub should not try and pretend to be a slave. This is a way of life which few can excel at. It takes humility, patience, and effort to learn to live as a 24/7 slave. Everything we are taught as a society goes against the nature of this lifestyle. It is almost as if one needs to unlearn all that he or she was taught before learning more.

Once the submission occurs, the only choice involved is on the part of the Master. A slave is responsible for being obedient and making a Master's life easier. It is not her (or his) place to attempt to dictate the terms of the arrangement. That should be handled before the submission. Once the decision is made to move forward, one needs to live with the consequences of that choice.

There are times when one is told to do something that is repulsive to her. Well, that is the lifestyle. Many fail to consider the fact that there are times when he or she will be overlooked in favor of others. A Master is the one who chooses how time is spent and with whom. The position of a slave is to wait until her Master decides to focus upon her. This could be a few hours or weeks. The choice is his.

It seems that the Internet glorifies and romanticizes this way of life. I presume it is similar to how Hollywood makes marriage appear. The romantic films of old made it seem like all marriages were heavenly. We know that reality is far different. The same is true here. Reality is that the M/s way of life has many facets which are orgasmic. However, there are just as many things which are downright frustrating. A M/s relationship is work. Anyone entering this way of life must be willing to put in the effort.

So, in conclusion, a slave's place is to obey. He or she is not at liberty to discard what the Master says. Real time people know there are consequences for disregarding instructions. The ultimate fate will be release. No Master wants to continually deal with a disobedient slave. Repeated activity to this degree will alert him to the fact that perhaps this person belongs in a D/s relationship. As I mentioned, few can truly handle this way of life. The power of choice is removed at submission.

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Who To Submit To?

I write a great deal about the importance of following the submission process in my book An Owned Life. To me, this is a crucial area where many screw up. They put the cart before the proverbial horse. This leads to the failing of the relationship at a later point.

I also put in a number of questions that both Doms and subs need to ask themselves. An additional set of questions I am going to put down here. They relate to the submission process while allowing one to make better decisions.

Online, many will submit to anyone who will take them. I wonder if these people would do the same thing in real life. I can only presume they would. Their self confidence must be so low that they will take anyone who says "yes". This is what causes some of the major heartache that I witness.

I devised a list of questions which will help one to determine who he or she is dealing with. They are for a sub/slave to ask before submitting. The answers provided will offer insight into the capabilities of that person.

1. How long has he or she been involved in this lifestyle?
2. Up to this point, how many real time relationships (in this lifestyle) was this person involved in?
3. Why did he or she choose this way of life?
4. What caused the breakup of the last relationships (if there were any)?
5. Is he or she poly or is there in an interest in pursuing that in the future?
6. What are his/her ideas on punishments?
7. If the interaction is online, what is the procedure used to get this relationship into real time?
8. What is his/her home address, phone number, place of employment, marital status, and number of children? Be willing to get proof of each.
9. Is he/she going to ultimately relocate or will you?
10. Will you be allowed.required to work and if not, will he/she be able to support you?
11. What about children? If you have one (some) where does this person believe they enter into the lifestyle? How does he/she deal with that responsibility?
12. Is he/she experienced in BDSM play and running a scene?
13. Can you call/talk with the person at any hour of the day or are there only specified times he/she is available. If so, is there a valid reason for it?

These are all crucial questions to ask. It is time people stopped acting like idiots and think about what they are doing. If someone resists your inquiries by stating that a sub/slave has no right to ask that, tell him/her to go jump in a lake. This is your life we are talking about here. You have every right to make an informed decision. The proper information will allow you to do this. Follow these ideas to protect yourself.

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The True Basis of Submission

Most seem to miss the essential essence of one's submission. They seem to think that having someone under his/her control is a license to be a jerk. At the same time, they look at the small picture of "what am I getting out of this". If they would just look at the bigger picture, their relationships would be taken to a greater height.

The basic essence of submission is servitude. One submits to another because he or she wants to please the Dom/Master. Sexually this idea is rather obvious. However, when we move beyond the sex, we soon realize that this applies to all aspects of life. The position of a submissive it to make the life of the one he or she is serving easier. It is that simple.

This concept puts the dominant one in a different position. Instead of using one for the sole pleasure in the moment, a longer term view nets greater results. The training of one is often a method to enlarge his or her capabilities. My belief is the more a sub can handle, the more valuable to me she is. If she can satisfy more of my needs, I feel this will make my life a lot easier.

I see many who take the opposite track. They want to beat a sub down to reaffirm their positions. This is insane to me. First, if you have to reaffirm your position, it is usually to yourself and not the sub. Secondly, beating one down only diminishes self confidence. Dealing with someone who has no self confidence is like dealing with a beaten dog. It takes continual effort and work. To me, this gets really tiring.

The bottom line is that I operate with the belief that a sub will better serve me the more she can handle. Without this concept, I might be apt to focus on the immediate pleasure I am receiving. While I like this, there are times when it is best to forgo that in an effort to help one grow. Sometimes it is better to tortoise as opposed to the hare.

Try to take a long-term approach with your sub. See how this person can best serve you over the years as compared to just this moment. You will find your interaction with that one will change. In my experience, there is a lot more gained from this approach.

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Why This Lifestyle?

Why do people get involved in BDSM? There are probably as many answers to that question as there are people engaging in it. However, I believe the bottom line is that most want to increase their satisfaction in life. There are so many who find that they are unhappy with the traditional mode of relationships. Let's be honest, after a while, sex with the same person can get really boring unless something is done to increase the level of excitement. BDSM fulfills that purpose.

BDSM is a wide arena. Many automatically assume we are referring to images of extreme bondage with suspension from the rafters. BDSM is a lot more than this. It is something as simple as a spanking during sex to the 24/7 M/s lifestyle. In between there is room for a great deal of flexibility.

Life is miserable for many. We see it everyday on the streets. People hate their jobs, are in unhappy marriages, and now have a multitude of financial problems to deal with. This causes an enormous amount of stress for people to deal with. They need a release and BDSM is a way to get that.

BDSM is about experimentation. Those who are seeking to enhance their sex lives can do so by toying with different aspects of the lifestyle. The journey into personal domination/submission is an interesting one. It is always fun to experience the different feelings of giving up control versus receiving it. I believe most have a general idea where they fall on the scale. However, there are many who are unsure meaning they will test both sides of the equation. A true dominant, for example, will not take to being tied up. You can see it on his/her face.

This brings us to another aspect of why people choose BDSM; to fulfill an inner desire that goes to their core. Since most do not engage in deep self searching, few know what is truly at their core. There is a percentage of the population that is overwhelmingly dominant and a similar percentage submissive. These are the people who are designed to engage in M/s or some other extreme aspect of the relationship. Their inner desires are unquestioned. Sadly, many are misled by what they see within themselves since society has a way of conditioning us into believing that domination is more admirable than submission. This is untrue. Yet, there is the Western belief that servitude is something to look down upon.

Either way, those who get honest with themselves realize they can receive a lot by choosing the BDSM lifestyle. Many feel uncertain initially and that is understandable. However, with the proper guidance and information, you will find there is a lot to this way of life. It is a community that is full of average people doing extraordinary things. BDSM has the potential to make all your dreams come true if you embrace it to that degree. This way of life is how I fulfill my heavenly desires.



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The Sub's Motto

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