December 31, 2009

Forging Your Own Life


Society has a way of "brainwashing" us into determining what we need to believe. It establishes what is considered normal, thus creating what is also not normal. We find this in every aspect of life. The truth is, our lives are here to be created as we see fit.

The BDSM lifestyle is considered an "alternative" approach. This simply means that it is not mainstream. However, I feel that more people practice BDSM then do not. While I will grant most are not into total power exchange, the majority experiment with spanking, tying each other up, and other sex games. This all is a form of BDSM. Therefore, what society promotes is not necessarily the truth.

Forging your own life involves breaking free from the conditioning that is so powerful within our different cultures. We are taught from a young age to believe certain things that "they" feel is in our best interest. Sadly, it often is not. Having the courage to shed the "herd mentality" is difficult. Yet, the rewards are well worth it. It is only by actively looking at all our beliefs that we can call ourselves "free".

Why do I bring all of this up? It is simple. Many new people question what they encounter when they approach the BDSM lifestyle. Depending upon what facet they are looking at, they feel that there is something wrong with what is going on inside them. This is evidence of the conditioning. Here is where having the courage to shed the old ideas is imperative.

Society promotes equality. It is a myth that is used to gain control over the masses (I will not delve into this debate at this time but it is something I studied a great deal). BDSM promotes inequality. The exchange of power is fundamental in every relationship that exists. BDSM strays from the norm that exists out there.

BDSM, like most alternative lifestyles, exists within the confines of society while forging it's own path. The same is true for its members. We are everyday people who you encounter on the street. The difference is how we choose to structure our personal lives.

Having a successful BDSM life (or any other life for that matter) requires shedding the ideas that society implements. It is something that many rational adults engage upon. Reflection is a helpful practice. I found that it allows me to identify those areas in which society places me in "bondage". My values tell me that I need to remove those chains whenever I can.

Forging your life starts with your mind. The BDSM mindset is very different from that of mainstream society. Adopting the proper mental outlook will enhance your chances of success in this way of life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 30, 2009

Answering The Call


Over the last few weeks, I wrote a number of posts pertaining to the mindset and place of a submissive. My travels around the Internet lead me to conclude that many seem to miss the basic of concepts. Hence, I tried to spell out some ways that people can go about altering their outlook towards those they serve.

One thing that seems basic to me is the idea of being available to your dominant one. This might be common sense but obviously is missed by many people. I read about those who choose not to answer the phone when a Master/Dom calls. My question is "who are you to choose when you decide to interact?" Again, I believe this is a basic concept yet many fail to grasp it.

I continually write that many feel they are cut out for the extreme aspects of BDSM. The truth is that most lack the proper mindset to achieve this end. It is difficult to overcome the lifetime conditioning of control and power. Also, many sense some submissiveness while falling short when it is truly tested. One's life is not in his or her hands once the decision is made to turn it over to another. The extreme nature, especially of M/s, is what separates this lifestyle from the traditional. It is also what weeds out many people.

"Answering the call" means being available whenever needed. This also means that you do as instructed. Too many believe that waffling is part of the equation. It is not. This way of life is not for the fainthearted. Being submissive is not a sign of weakness but, rather, strength. Living your life dedicated in the capacity to serve another requires a tremendous amount of inner fortitude. Sadly, there are many who seem to lack it.

Much is written about the difference between online and real time. I am one who believes there is no comparison. Anyone who lived even a moment in real time knows the difficulties that are faced. Online is a cakewalk compared to dealing with the daily life struggles associated with BDSM. Following directions when someone is physically there takes on a much different meaning than when you live online. The reality is that there are times when disobedience screams with every fiber of your being. Are you able to suppress what you experience and diligently follow? Reading different peoples posts, I would say that many cannot. They feel they have the right not to answer the phone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas


I want to take the time to thank everyone for your support throughout the year and to wish all a safe and happy XMas. I also hope that 2010 is totally orgasmic for everyone who follows my sites.






Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

James Dean Quote



Here is a quote that moves away from BDSM but is very applicable to our mindset. Those who choose an alternative lifestyle have to make some tough choices. Living according to our own inner core is most important. I think James Dean sums things up well.



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December 21, 2009

Mindset of a submissive Part II


In the first post on this topic (found here), I mentioned some of the traits that were necessary to have the proper mindset to succeed as a submissive. The reason I bring this up is because there are many who feel they are capable to living this lifestyle, only to realize they are constantly at odds with the one they submit to.

Basically, a submissive is turning complete control over to the dominant person. Obviously, there is a difference in degrees when discussing subs versus slaves. For the sake of this post, I will take things from the slave perspective since that is at the more extreme end. The depth of the commitment requires a much different outlook than submitting for a scene.

To continue, a slave must be strong. Many think this is an oxymoron but it is in fact a basis for M/s success. If a slave is weak, she (he) will ultimately end up as a drain on the Master (Mistress). Instead of enhancing the life of that person, she becomes a liability. Strength is the ability to weather all decisions and prevail regardless of the conditions. The M/s life is not an easy one. Those who do not have the mental makeup should consider shaping their relationships in a different manner.

Selflessness is another trait that is imperative for success as a slave in M/s. Many think they can be selfless but. in reality, are consistently putting themselves front and center. It is extremely difficult to put one's wishes and desires aside in favor of a dominant. Nevertheless, this is exactly what the lifestyle entails. We live under the umbrella of a total exchange of power. Self serving aspirations will cause difficulty since I have witness the manipulation that can occur when present. There are many times when a slave is not given what he or she desires. It is crucial to remember that it is not about you.

Another aspect that is rarely mentioned but vital is complete and unabridged honesty. This quality is obviously a part of all successful relationships regardless of the lifestyle. However, I feel that it is taken to a higher level in M/s. Trust in a slave is of utmost importance. A relationship is tested when a Master loses faith in a slave. The easiest way to do this is to be caught in a lie. Dishonesty is the quickest way for one to question the sincerity and intentions of a slave. Whenever one does this, I take it to mean that his or her desires are more important. This strikes at the foundation of M/s.

The final trait I will mention in this post is the ability to exert silence. There are times when to speak up and times to shut up. A prime example is when other people are around. I witnessed too many slaves disrespect their Masters but voicing objections in front of others. This is not a slave's place. A slave needs to know when to close her mouth and accept (one of the qualities mentioned in the first post) the decision of the Master. If you do not like how you are being treated, then, if the forum was provided, voice objections in private. Nothing irritates a Master more than being questioned by a slave in front of others. It is embarrassing and intolerable.

Take these qualities and compare them to your own mindset. Do you still think you have what it takes to be a successful slave. If so, wonderful. However, if you feel that it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. Remember, M/s is not better than D/s or vice versa. They simply are two different forms within this lifestyle. Your role is to find which best suits you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 20, 2009

The Extreme


Many are scared off by this side of the lifestyle. There are many I come across who emphatically state they do not want to be abused. To me, this is common sense. I do not know of anyone with any degree of self esteem who wants to be abused. Most people want to be treated with a certain amount of respect while maintaining their dignity.

Just because someone is submissive does not mean that he or she is worthless or meant to be abused. Many of the images online are there simply to arise interest. The extreme always holds wonder which is helpful when trying to promote a product or service (for a not so extreme but an honest look at the BDSM lifestyle get a copy of An Owned Life here). This extent of the lifestyle is just not for most people in reality.

Nevertheless, there are some that I meet who are designed precisely for the extreme. Quite simply, they want it all. There is no limit that they are not willing to test. Living life as a slave is an ideal condition for these people. Also, their scenes tend to be something that resembles the videos we see online. Their threshold of pain in high which allows for some intense interaction. People like this are rare but they do exist. Pleasing them by going extreme is just as crucial as the inverse when dealing with someone who is hesitant about going to that degree.

This always brings up an interesting situation when looking at compatibility. While there are many submissive types who are turned off by the extreme, the same is true for dominants. I have come across more than one person who lacks the "stomach" for the intense scene play that some require. This is nothing a fact that should not be overlooked. People need to play upon their natural desires. Certainly some are better suited for M/s when others are ideal for D/s. At the same time, some need to experiment with light BDSM whereas others are complete pain sluts. Micromanaging is required for a percentage and broad goals for the rest. There is a flavor which can suit everyone as long as one is willing to look.

The extreme is not something that should be shied away from if that is what you determine is your calling. There are many who are completely unsuited for any type of normal traditional life. At the same time, those same people find BDSM wanting unless they can experience the more hardcore lifestyle. This is completely acceptable. The only obstacle is finding someone who can handle the extreme along with you. Regardless of dominant or submissive, some are excited by it while others are not. Simply continue your search until you find what you are looking for.

Personally, I highly respect those who are willing to accept that they want no limits. This idea of doing many strange and, what others consider, gross things is to be applauded. I believe that BDSM can hold something for everyone. Those who want to go further out on the spectrum should be encouraged without judgment. This lifestyle is all about freedom and happiness. I enjoy the freedom to be me and hope others find the same.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Aftercare Part II


The other day I wrote about the importance of Aftercare as a part of the BDSM lifestyle that does not get enough attention. (Read post here) Aftercare is a topic that receives little attention but is crucial in dealing with the long-term psychology of a submissive.

Basically, Aftercare is exactly what it states. It is the care that a dominant gives to a submissive after a scene. This is an important step to ensure the safe "return" from the extreme that some submissive types can go to. Obviously, the more intense the scene, the more vital that Aftercare is.

Some of the aspects of Aftercare are: dressing wounds, removing accessories used during scene, circulating blood throughout the body especially to areas that were bound, and emotional support through dedicated interaction. For a more specific list, please read the previous post.

One thing that I failed to mention is the times that Aftercare is needed. Obviously, the default answer is that this is something that should always be done. Nevertheless, here are some times when it is imperative that Aftercare be given.

-When a new person is in the scene
-Interrupted scenes where there was a psychological break
-Highly charged scenes in terms of emotion or physical interaction
-Whenever a submissive had a "flashback"
-Excessive abuse whereby a safe word was overlooked
-Scenes with excessive humiliation especially if others are involved since this can take a toll on the sub's self esteem.

Whenever a scene moves into an "extreme" area, it is best to provide Aftercare. This will ensure the confidence of the sub/slave while enhancing the long-term viability of the BDSM lifestyle. Omitting this step often leads to one leaving this way of life since they end up feeling abused. Aftercare is the bridge from the scene back to everyday reality.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 18, 2009

Humiliation Activities Part II


My last post mentioned some ideas of humiliation activities that can be implemented into your BDSM play. As was mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this technique can take the form of either the physical or verbal. However, we need to be careful and ensure that a sub/slave is capable of psychologically handling the play.

Nevertheless, here are some more ideas which will help to stimulate your play.

-Wearing see through clothing only
-Putting the person in diapers/Depends
-Shaving of the head
-Watching you have sex with others.
-Orally cleaning you up after a sexual interlude with another (cleaning up the other person)
-Treating the person like a baby
-Cock and ball torture (males) tit torture (females)
-Renaming the sub/slave
-Spanking
-Face slapping
-Pats to the head like a dog
-Require males to wear a bikini top at the beach/pool
-Have submissive kneel with face to floor
-Stand and face the corner like a schoolchild

These are just a few more ideas which should help you along on your BDSM journey.

Click here to get your copy of Erotic Humiliation.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 17, 2009

Humiliation Activities


Erotic Humiliation is an aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. Both dominant and submissive parties often find their experiences enhanced by implementing this wonderful technique. As I mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this is something that both parties should be emotionally and mentally prepared for. Nevertheless, for those with the proper mindset, it is a fabulous way to emphasize the exchange of power that occurs within a BDSM relationship.

There are many ways to approach this technique. As explained in my book, there is both verbal and physical humiliation. Employing both facets will increase the pleasure derived from your scene.

Here are some ideas which can be used to "humiliate" a sub.

-Used as an object like a piece of furniture
-Having derogatory words like slut, whore, sissy, and cunt written on the body
-Made to dress like the opposite sex (especially effective with male subs)
-Require permission to do anything
-Withhold bathroom privileges or make him/her use the yard like an animal
-Make the sub eat out of a dog dish
-Strip him or her in front of others
-Have that person answer the door naked
-Pee or poo on the sub
-Have that person sleep on the floor
-Place him or her in a cage
-Blindfold
-Sexual interludes/servicing of others on command
-Naked in public

These are just a few ideas that you can implement. Over the next couple of days I will add more to this list for you.

Click here for your copy of Erotic Humiliation.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 16, 2009

Aftercare


This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental "wounds" should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

The bottom line is that it is a Dom's responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Online Behavior


In the last post I wrote about Respect for a Master. Today, I would like to delve a little more into the behavior a sub/slave shows online.

The Internet changed many facets of this lifestyle. It helped to take something that was deeply underground and bring it more into the mainstream. BDSM is now an acceptable choice for people to make without fear of total alienation by the majority of people. Kink is now in.

However, as I have expressed, there are many pitfalls presented by this newer medium. Without going into all the drawbacks, basically there is a tendency for people to behave in ways they ordinarily would not.

This is most evident when it comes to courage. Many people fail to have the inner fortitude to confront someone face-to-face. This all changes when online. People suddenly find they have "cyber-muscles". Dealing with situations is now within their grasp. Of course, this leads to an entirely different set of issues.

People who are do not confront issues in real life tend to be ill-equipped to handle conflicts online. Even with the cyber courage, these individuals lack the basic skills to constructively deal with these type of circumstances. This is why I see most of the behavior bordering on the childish.

To start, I believe that many who claim to be submissive online lack basic emotional maturity. This is a conclusion reached based upon travels through many different chat rooms and witnessing of the behavior. Plurk, Fetlife, and AFF all have the same types of people. Sadly, it seems those sites are populated with a bunch of 6 year olds.

What does all this have to do with respect for a Master? Simply, many of these people claim to have submitted to someone. Thus, they are a representation for somebody. If you ask me, these people are a complete embarrassment to the one who owns them. Their behavior is worthy is immediate release since no true Master in his right mind would be proud of this behavior.

A slave should always remember that she is a reflection of her Master. This is something that she should carry with her in everything that she does. Even though online is often nothing more than a bunch of fonts on a computer screen, her actions will be reflected upon her Master. Therefore, model behavior is required.

My opinion is that most slaves need to work on keeping their mouths (or keyboards in this instance) shut. Less is more. For whatever reason, I see so many who try to prove their worth or share their experience with others. Sadly, these are the ones who have little to nothing to fall back upon. They feel they can enlighten all new people with their 4 months of online BDSM experience. It is ridiculous and an embarrassment. I guess the only saving grace is that there is a better than average chance that this person's Master is a fake also.

Online is a wonderful way to interact with people while sharing a common lifestyle. However, those who advice is worthy of taking are the ones who are the hardest to get to. People with worthwhile experiences live this lifestyle offline as much as they do online. Those who live in front of the computer fail to show up for life. Unfortunately, these are the people who are all too willing to share every facet of their day.

Presenting a false image online is a reflection upon your Master. It shows that you are a dishonorable person. And, what does that say about His ability to choose?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 15, 2009

Respect for Master/Mistress


Again, this is one of those posts that is going to stray towards the more extreme end of BDSM. The M/s relationship is about as far as one can go in terms of the total exchange of power. As repeatedly mentioned, in M/s, this extends to every area of one's life. Compare that with a D/s situation where the control is usually limited only to the sexual arena.

When looking at the M/s relationship, it is crucial that the submissive one always be mindful of showing her Master (Mistress) the proper respect. This is fundamental for long-term BDSM success. Sadly, too many fail to exhibit the proper respect in all their activities. This ultimately reflects upon the Master which creates an unenviable situation.

Many seem to feel that respect is simply a matter of saying "Yes Sir" or "No Ma'am". This is incorrect. When one is making these statements, he or she is being cordial. This is not necessarily a sign of respect. Often, people will be uttering these words while behaving in ways that are totally demeaning. The old adage that actions speak louder than words applies.

Respect for a Master needs to permeate all through one's life. Every action needs to be undertaken to ensure that the worth of a Master is upheld. This is done by acting as if one is on display for everyone to see.

I see so many who are simply embarrassments. These people claim to be obedient and honorable slaves. Yet, they behave in ways that are contrary to what these words mean. Everything about a slave needs to scream "my Master is the best". This is only accomplished if she addresses every area of her behavior.

If one wanted a checklist of how to monitor what is acceptable, take a look at physical space around you. Is the house messy or is it a place that your Master would be happy to bring people? Are his clothes pressed to perfection? Is your attire a proper reflection of what he wants emphasized? Do you take the time to make yourself presentable to others in case he brings someone around? These are all tidbits which show the package that is your M/s relationship.

Another way to show respect of in your obedience. When a slave disobeys her Master's instructions, she is "showing him up". I have witnessed slaves do this to their Masters in public. This is the utmost of disgrace. My opinion is a person of that nature should be released instantly. He or she has no business pretending to be a part of this lifestyle. The exchange of power is the fundamental aspect of our way of life and when a slave is acting contrary to that, she is showing disrespect for not only her Master, but all who choose to live this way.

A slave should be seen but not heard. This is especially true when others are around. Certainly there are environments when a slave can have the freedom to speak freely. However, my experience is that many cannot handle this freedom. This is true whether it is online or in real time. The immaturity of many make it impossible for them to put their selfish desires aside. This equates to an inadequacy on their Master's part.

Try to remember this the next time you decide to venture into public. If you truly are a slave, you will be on your best behavior at all times. You truly never know who is watching.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 13, 2009

The Mindset of a Submissive


The mindset that each party has in an M/s relationship is one of the most crucial factors for success. However, I see little discussed online about this critical idea. It seems that many focus on the actions as opposed the mindset one has. This often leads to confusion and frustration.

What is the proper mindset of a slave? This is a question that is almost impossible to answer completely since there are individual factors which always come into play. Since relationships are personal to those involved, it is difficult to offer a list of what is required for success. Ultimately, that is up to the two parties (or more if the situation is poly).

Nevertheless, I can offer some of my beliefs in this area. To start, a slave needs to have the idea of service drilled into his or her being. A slave's place is to serve the Master/Mistress. That is one of the most basic tenets of the M/s world. Service is the idea of making one's life easier. It is a slave's position to handle whatever responsibilities that is thrown his or her way.

Another mindset quality that I feel is necessary is complete obedience. I use the word complete because many seem to feel this is a negotiable issue. Many (if not most) will attempt to engage in manipulation in an effort to "get their way". This is not obedience. Obedience is doing what you are told without question. This is another fundamental difference between BDSM and the traditional world. The total exchange of power means that all decision-making is with the one in charge. Disputing those choices is not a slave's place.

Acceptance is another trait that needs to be developed. There are going to be many times when a Master/Mistress's decisions go contrary to what one desires. This is the way it is. A slave needs to accept that decision while obediently following it. I see too many who take the action yet have offer an attitude that would kill a bear. Everyone within a thousand yards knows exactly how he or she feels. This is intolerable and potentially embarrassing to a Master/Mistress.

Patience is something else that I believe every slave needs. There are many times when a Master/Mistress is off on other affairs. Whether it is work or play, dominant types often can have many areas of responsibility. This is something that a slave needs to accept. The timing of things is another area which is determined by the one in charge. The role of a slave is often to wait until the Master/Mistress is ready for him or her.

Another factor I feel is crucial is emotional independence. I see many who come to BDSM without the emotional maturity to handle reality. This is one of the major areas where real time differs from online. Those who believe online is reality tend to be unprepared for what transpires when they make the transition. Putting one's faith in fantasy is a form of psychosis that tends to receive professional help. For example, we institutionalize those who believe in purple elephants. Sadly, they are as real as many online people. A slave needs to have the inner strength to handle the different emotions that one goes through when living in M/s.

Part two will offer up some other ideas for the successful mindset of a slave.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Poly versus Swinging


I meet many in the lifestyle who are open about their sexual play. This is to be expected considering we live a life that is alternative to most and has a greater degree of openness than do the traditional models. Nevertheless, I see many who claim to be poly when in fact they are really just swingers.

Group sex is a wonderful thing. I cannot deny this. There are many I come across who are involved in M/s relationships who partake in this experience. Nevertheless, an open sex life does not make one poly. Instead, it makes one a swinger.

Swinging is an activity that allows couples to experience other people. Commonly the term "swap" is used where couples exchange their partners with others. In this arena, the rule of thumb is that "you leave with who brought you". People switch sexual partners for the length of the "scene" (or party) and then return to their spouses.

One of the fundamental aspects of this has to do with commitment. In swinging, the only commitment that exists is to one's partner. The interaction with others is on a completely different level. Even in those situations where a third person is added to the play, the commitment between the new person and the spouse are different. This is logical but an often overlooked point.

Poly is an entirely different matter. Here, the commitment level will exist between the different parties. In M/s, there will be a number of slaves who all have the same commitment to the Master (or Mistress). The duration of the relationships are longer since it usually involves more than just play. In the poly world, there are simultaneous relationships occurring at the same time.

Theoretically, in poly, each relationship is of equal standing. Nevertheless, there are practical issues that always arise. For this reason, there is usually what is known as a "primary" versus "secondary" relationship. The meaning of each is self explanatory simply by their definition. However, do not believe that primary is better than secondary. It simply is a distinction based upon factors such as interest, time, living arrangement, and skill level of each person involved. Usually, a secondary person will have other obligations which diverts attention. This is life. Anyone who is entering into poly needs to be aware of the differences in how each can approach the relationships.

As you can see, there is a major difference between poly and swinging. Those who are involved in the BDSM world while living openly in terms of their sex play are swingers. There are only a few who truly are involved with poly. It is a lifestyle that is difficult to handle. For most, the emotional effort is too much. Poly requires a complete reversal of mindset. Society teaches us that we are meant to find that "one" person. Yet, in poly, that "one" might be split among others. This is a radical change from what most are accustomed to.

The bottom line is that a person who is involved in poly needs to have an inclination to having more than just one person. Of course, we are referring to an interaction that deals with more than just sex. People who lead a poly lifestyle are aware of the emotional connection that is made with each person he/she is involved with. This connection is not equal among the different parties nor is there necessarily a bond between the others involved in the relationship. There are times when poly is really a series of relationships as opposed to a single unit.

I hope this helps to clarify some of the questions with this.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 6, 2009

Creativity


Have you ever noticed all the neat stuff that is offered on different BDSM websites. You literally could spend a small fortune filling your BDSM toolkit with different floggers, paddles, cuffs, and other accessories to increase you BDSM experience. This situation really gets expensive when you look into furnishing your house with an assortment of BDSM furniture. The total bill for all this can run into the tens of thousands of dollars.

How do you get around this situation if you are on a budget? My suggestion is to get creative. While the professionally made products look good and fulfill their intended purposes, I found that many things can be replicated with a little creativity.

To start, I operate from the premise that BDSM furniture and accessories are meant to be functional as opposed to looking good. The best scene in movies are those which look rough and like an actual dungeon. This is the end I always strive for when I am creating a play area. Therefore, unless you are planning on making a distributed production, do not fret over achieving a professional quality.

When entering into BDSM, the desire is to go spend a bundle of money acquiring all kinds of interesting toys. Resist this temptation. It is a mistake that is commonly made and will only end up wasting valuable resources. This is a situation where it is best to proceed slowly. Take your time to learn what you like before embarking on a spending spree.

I repeatedly write that there are many facets to the BDSM lifestyle. It is up to you to decide what is attractive to you (and your partner) and what you enjoy. What turns one on might turn another off. Keep this in mind when you are experimenting.

Applying creativity to your BDSM life is a recommended path. When you see something online, ask yourself "what does this device do". Look at the function of the accessory (or furniture) and then consider ways you can replicate it. For example, there are expensive paddles, riding bats, and crops available. However, when it comes to a good spanking, nothing can top a common household spatula. The cost: $0 since most kitchens have at least one already.

This process can be repeated with most objects. Naturally, the allure of the professionally made products is the quality and extra functionality they provide. I feel that once you determine what aspects of play you like, then it is worth the money to buy the proper toys. In the meantime, use your imagination to determine your level of kink before making a larger investment. This will eliminate the possibility of having a closet full of unused toys.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

December 2, 2009

No Limits


Over the last few posts we are discussed some of the more extreme aspects of BDSM. Many seem to feel they are destined to be involved in this realm of the lifestyle only to learn what reality is like. Unfortunately, the impressions offered online are a far cry from real time interaction.

In the last post I mentioned some examples of extreme activities that real live slaves were asked to do. My question to those considering the M/s lifestyle is "can you do these things if asked". (You can read some of the examples here)

This brings up the ever-present argument of whether hard limits exist within a true M/s relationship? To start, limits are always present in D/s. This is something that is non-negotiable. Because of the nature of that interaction, people need to ensure safety in all they do. People who are in this particular relationship often do not have the long-term interaction with each other. The lack of familiarity means that some ground rules are needed. Nevertheless, the M/s world is a completely different animal.

I feel that limits are part of the relationship while there is the "newness". Whenever two people get together, there is a learning curve that each is on. This is true regardless of the type of relationship. We see this in the traditional arena as well as BDSM.

However, as the relationship progresses, I feel the trust factor between a Master and slave should grow. Over time, the slave is able to let go of more because she has experience with this particular person. That truth is invaluable and cannot be replaced. No matter how "real" the previous interaction felt, there is no substitute for in person relations. Over time, each person uncovers more about the other person. Familiarity breeds confidence.

This leads me back to the primary question: are there hard limits in a true M/s relationship? The answer is that there obviously are limits to all behavior. Certain activities are unacceptable regardless of the relationship. For example, sex with a child is always negated. This is something that can never be justified in my mind. A slave who is ordered to cross this line is right in saying "NO!". That being said, most instructions do not carry this severity. Therefore, when you trust someone completely as your Master, there should be nothing that you are not willing to do if instructed. That is the basis of M/s. He (or she) is the one who decides what is to occur. You are along to obey. A limit exist only if the Master says so.

One caveat to this is the idea that a slave may need time to get over certain psychological issues before proceeding to some of the more extreme aspects of this lifestyle. That certainly could be the case. Nevertheless, this is not to be confused with a hard limit. I believe that after a couple of years together, all limits in a M/s relationship will be removed. It is a relationship that naturally evolves into one without limits.

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November 29, 2009

The Extreme


Like everything else in life, the BDSM community is a variation of degrees. There is what is considered "light bondage" which is at the less severe end of the spectrum. Going to the opposite extreme, we find hardcore M/s relationships where nothing is off limits. And, of course, there are variations in between. The question is, where do you fit?

Many seem to picture the extreme in their mind. This is due to the fact that this side of the lifestyle is promoted through imagery online. Websites like to go for the "shock value" when promoting their goods and services. Nevertheless, there is some basis in reality for what they promote.

The Master/slave relationship is considered one of the more extreme aspects of this way of life. At the core of this interaction is the complete exchange of power. Those who choose to engage in this particular flavor need to be aware of the limitations (or lack thereof). Many claim to be slave material yet fail miserably when asked to do something. This is why it is important to know where you fit.

I wrote on a number of occasions how I believe only a few are truly cut out to be slaves. A cruise around different chat rooms quickly reveals the fantasy many are engaging in. While they claim that living real time M/s is their dream, they fail to realize what that entails. If one is open to dwelling in the extreme, one better be prepared for what that is like. Sadly, few do.

A true M/s relationship means that the Master (or Mistress) is to be obeyed at all times. There is no limit to what one is willing to do. There is debate within the lifestyle of whether there is such a thing as hard limits or not. For practicality sake, I am going to omit this argument and presume there are some hard limits. However, they exist, in my mind, only as to the psychological damage they can cause. In the end, physical pain and lack of interest do not qualify as a hard limits.

Are you willing to do whatever you are told? Again, this is the foundation of M/s. Will you obey the directives of the one you submit to without question? Are you willing to suffer the consequences as a result of being disobedient? Can you be trusted to respect the tenets of this relationship while living under his or her domain?

Here are some of the actual directions I have heard given to a slave over the years:

-having sex with animals
-piecing oneself
-being branded
-sexually satisfying a homeless guy(s)
-being ignored for weeks on end
-eating shit/drinking piss
-engaging in suspension
-not cumming for over a year
-sleeping in a cage or on the floor
-living like a dog (or pony)
-having to give up your career/job
-all possessions given up including children
-exposing yourself on demand regardless of where and whom is around
-being passed around sexually for the pleasure of others
-watching your Master or Mistress with others
-Being humiliated in public
-Getting embarrassing tattoos
-Engaging in homosexual sex acts when you are straight
-physical pain include cbt, titty torture, whippings, and paddlings
-Partaking in electrical, needle, and medical play

All these activities were actually directed at a slave. Could you fulfill these if asked? Are you sitting there stating "No, I would never do that"? If so, you might want to look at the choices you make. The M/s lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It is considered extreme for a reason.

The comeback I often hear is that "I will not get with someone who is into those things". My reply is simply "that is not your choice". A Master (Mistress) is in complete control. Whatever he or she desires is your course of action. Over time, that person can evolve and develop whatever interests he or she chooses. Are you ready to accept what they are? I surmise that most "online slaves" are ill-prepared for this reality.

BDSM is not a romantic fairy-tale. It is the lifestyle answer for many of us. However, people will get into trouble when they try to make it into something it is not. The story of Cinderella was already written. BDSM relationships might have the romantic component. Then again, they might not. It is up to the Master (Mistress) to decide.


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Respect For The Lifestyle


I am not sure as to why this happens but it seems like there are many who have little regard for this way of life. Even those who are supposedly "owned" tend to make a mockery of how we live. Perhaps this is due to the immaturity of those who are involved or maybe they are just playing games. Regardless of the reasoning, there appears to be only a few who truly take this lifestyle seriously.

In my last post, I wrote about the need to post one's entire life online to make one feel worthy. This is a form of disrespect for this way of life in my opinion. When one is sharing all the details of a scene he or she was involved in, this is the equivalent of bragging. There is no reason to share all your experiences in this way of life.

To contrast this, I analogize this to marriage. What would you think of a person who shared all the details of his or her sex life? Do you know the reputation that person acquires? What kind of respect does this show for his or her spouse? Certainly, I am not one who is uptight and hellbent on protocol. Nevertheless, there is a basic degree of respect people show themselves and others.

I am reminded of who usually shares they got "laid": teenage boys. They need to brag to their friends to make themselves feel better. It is a way to fit in. I see the same parallel to those in this lifestyle. The need to express what one is doing is done in an effort to prove that what he or she has is real. Of course, this is often done by those who are living an "online" life. There is no need to share reality since it speaks for itself.

Sadly, people like this quickly become a joke. This might be a judgmental approach but I feel the need to call it as I see it. The Internet is a valuable tool to share information and experiences with newer people. My personal preference is to share experiences only as they will help others. All the gory details are not necessary to prove my standing within this way of life. I know what choices I made and how I live. The desire to prove to others is minimal.

We live according to certain protocols for a reason. The basic truth is that everything has a certain way of doing things. Those who adhere to the basic tenets of a particular discipline are showing respect for it. For example, religious institutions all have protocols they follow. The believers of that faith show their loyalty and respect by following them. Non-believers take a different approach. The same is true here. Those who are serious about the lifestyle act like adults and remember to have respect for those involved.

Remember this idea the next time you have the desire to post something that many would believe is inappropriate. Contrary to what you might think, you do not live in a vacuum. Ideas get passed along, sometimes with harmful results.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 26, 2009

Being Careful


The Internet is a wonderful medium for interacting. However, it is also a vehicle which can cause a great deal of trouble. Over the last few months, we highlighted the perils associated with online BDSM relationships and how not everyone is forthright with the truth. Nevertheless, there is another area that I want to expand upon since I see it occur so regularly.

In my book, An Owned Life, I cover this subject in greater detail. Whenever someone is new to the lifestyle, they invariably make the mistake of telling the wrong person about their choice. This is magnified when one opts to enter into the M/s facet of this world.

The fact of the matter is that we are involved in something that goes against the societal grain. This way of life is called an "alternative lifestyle" since it is something different from the mainstream. It is an important factor to remember.

Even when dealing with a D/s relationship, I opt not to explain it to anyone on the outside world. To start, they cannot comprehend what I am talking about. Society promotes equality. The idea of a total power exchange simply baffles most people.

The second reason to keep my choice under wraps is the simple fact that information has a way of biting us in the ass. People are always seeking ways to use things against us. We witness this in court battles, interactions with exes, and relationships with peers. Many are simply trained to attempt to elevate themselves at the expense of others.

I see so many who choose to post their entire lives on the Internet. This amazes me since I always wonder if the person ever considered the fact that few care. Most are involved in their own lives. The idea of sharing every facet with others is stupid and dangerous. There seems to be no limit to what people will post.

Many who are doing this suffer from low self esteem. The Internet offers a medium where anyone can become a blogger. Instantly, the writer is important (at least in his or her mind). They mistakenly believe that there are those who hang on their every word. Their belief is that this medium offers them a place to have their say. While that is true, they need to develop some type of filtering device since much of what I see is completely inappropriate.

My conclusion is the people who write this stuff are engaging in a desperate cry for help. I believe many of these people need professional counseling. When I see what some post, I am saddened to know they have children who are in their custody. Unstable people are the ones who create horrific events. And, you only need to read a few posts to quickly garner how unstable they really are.

Being careful also transcends to other areas of our life in addition to online. Many fail to recognize that children and family members are not to be clued in on how we live. This holds true for "vanilla" friends. Many, even within the lifestyle, are terrible gossips. They have to talk to amuse themselves. These are the people who will express a secret to anyone who will listen. Many do not need an ex knowing that he or she is now owned. Nor does one's children need to know the lifestyle choices one makes. These are people who could cause damage with the information.

Nevertheless, in the next week I will come across many "writers" posting the intimate details of their lives. The desperate cry for help will continue while doing nothing more than embarrassing the person making the posts. Eventually, someone will get bitten because the break in anonymity by another who was supposedly a "friend".

My only advice to you is to follow the edicts of the Mafia: keep your mouth shut; tell them nothing. The less information most people share, the better. Few seem to realize they lack the practical experience to share much worthwhile anyway. In this instance, less is more.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 21, 2009

Total Power Exchange


This is a topic I write about often since it is the basic foundation for many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Whenever we are referring to M/s or D/s, the main component is the exchange of power. The only way either of those relationships exist is because the power is ceded to the one in control.

For those who are unaware, the single difference between M/s and D/s is in the areas the power applies to. In a M/s relationship, the slave is giving up all power over any area of his or her life. Nothing is off limits to the Master or Mistress. Compare that with the D/s relationship where the control applies to only certain aspects of life that are agreed upon. Commonly, this it is the sexual arena where the power is ceded while the sub maintains control over other aspects of life.

The key point to the power exchange is that it is complete. That is why it is termed "total power exchange". There is not an equal breakdown of power. Whereas most relationships contain some type of 50/50 breakdown of power, the BDSM relationship goes the opposite direction. We establish routines whereby the division is 100% to 0%. Again, this pertains to both D/s and M/s.

Many seem to intellectually acknowledge this idea. Nevertheless, they seem to have difficulty putting it into practice. I read many who post their experiences online and often am left wondering are they slaves or are they Masters (Mistresses)? They seem to miss this basic point of our lifestyle.

A submissive is to be obedient. This is the main quality which separates the good ones from the bad ones. Anyone who is looking to get into this way of life without the desire to be obedient is going to have issues. It cannot be stressed enough that we live in a way which contains an absolute breakdown of power. Closing one's eyes to this fact only leads to trouble in the future.

When the power is in the hands of another, all decisions, by default, are with that person. The one who submitted can offer up recommendations or suggestions (if the dominant one allows that). However, the end choice is with the one in control.

Many will try to manipulate their way around this concept. They feel they can use little "games" to try and get their desires met. This is not what is meant when I mention obedience. Manipulation is an underhanded way to try an exert control. This is not the position of a submissive type. While it might be human nature to act out on our desires, a good sub or slave will be able to overcome this. Obedience leads to the idea of service. If one is truly serving the needs of his or her One, then all else is secondary.

There are many ideas presented online about how this lifestyle works. While much of it is informative, there is a lot that is misleading. Be careful when you consider what you are reading. BDSM is a wonderful way of life. However, there are certain basic tenets that we all live by. The exchange of power is something that is not to be taken lightly. Anyone who is considering this way of life should ponder what the power exchange means and if you can live under these conditions. Entrance into this lifestyle means that your wishes and desires become secondary. How does that sit with you?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 19, 2009

Online Prospects


Much attention is given to the online BDSM world, specifically, M/s and D/s. It is interesting to notice how many are taken in by the cons that occur online. What would normally be dismissed with common sense is, instead, swallowed whole-heartedly. This creates a situation where many are harmed.

What is one to do when faced with the daunting task of trying to find someone online? How can you succeed in your search while protecting yourself from the predators and game players? That is what I seek to answer here.

To start, there are many genuine people online who are seeking exactly what they say. They are real in every sense of the word. Their intentions are explicitly stated with no hidden agenda. These are the people that we are all seeking.

My experience leads me to believe the percentage of people falling into this category is around 5%. I feel that 95% of those one encounters in the online BDSM world are full of crap to one degree or another. This applies equally for those who profess to be submissive as it does for those who are dominant.

Therefore, before investing a great deal of energy into someone, understand that there is a 95% chance that you are dealing with someone who is not after the same thing you are. The Internet is a mechanism which allows one to be totally anonymous. It is rather simple to create an online persona and run with it. For many, they simply lack the ability to recognize the pretenders.

Online is a wonderful way to strike up a "relationship" with someone. However, caution always needs to be applied. Offering simple "tests" is a wonderful way to verify what one is saying. For example, if you are a dominant, give your new submissive an exercise to do. If he or she completes it, there is hope. Failure to do so leads me to state "move on". A person who fails on the first go is likely telling a story.

As a Master, I know that my place within a relationship is something that is earned, not given. There were a lot of years spent learning what this lifestyle is all about. This offered me the training to be an experienced Master. For this reason, I am comfortable and confident in my abilities. While not perfect, I have had success living this lifestyle.

That being said, anytime I interact with a submissive, I instruct her to call me "Sir". This is showing the proper respect of the position of dominant without knowing my specific credentials. Even if there is someone who feels that I am worthy of respect, I still insist upon this protocol.

This is a sharp contrast to many I see in a chatroom. These fools feel that they are worthy of being called Master by everyone who is submissive. Perhaps some are; most are not. Nevertheless, they are indignant when it comes to this. Somehow they believe that the title makes it so. Remember, it is easy to assume a persona online. However, the persona does not make it so.

If I called myself an astronaut, do you think NASA would deem me qualified to fly into space. While I might qualify as a space cadet (or space case), being an astronaut requires a certain degree of experience and training. The same is true in this lifestyle. People who claim to be a Master simply because they capitalized their name are closer to being space cadets than true dominants.

Respect is something that I earn; it is not given. This is true for all aspects of life. If you encounter someone who demands certain treatment simply because they believe they are entitled to it, tell them to go jump in a hole. To me, there is a great chance they fall into the 95% bracket we previously mentioned.

Remember these tidbits when you are interacting with others online. We will cover this topic in greater detail in future posts. For now, just use common sense in your approach to this lifestyle. You will not be sorry.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 17, 2009

Service Versus Sex


Let me ask a question: what do you think that newer people to the lifestyle think about when they are considering what is offered here? Do you believe that service is the idea that is foremost in their minds or does the idea of sexual conquest reign supreme? My experience tells me that the idea of sex is what most consider when looking at this alternative lifestyle.

Naturally, the images presented online lead one to this conclusion. We all have seen the pictures of professional dungeon scenes put out by kink.com or websites like that. Sadly, this leads people to falsely to believe that this way of life is all about sex. The truth is, that sex is only a minor component to how we live. In fact, BDSM is about power and control as opposed to sexual conquest. Certainly that is an arena that is explored. Nevertheless, we live a life that is so much more than sex.

Newer people fail to see that real life is a part of the deal. BDSM does not exempt us from the daily struggles that affect millions of others. Regardless of whether one is submissive or dominating, he or she needs to look past the sexual aspect to understand what this life is all about. This is a step that needs undertaking in if one expects to have any success.

The way to approach BDSM is to understand how service is the main component of each relationship. People enter this lifestyle looking to meet the needs of another or to have their own needs met. This simple concept eludes people. A submissive type should remember it is his or her place to serve. This is what a Dom/Master is judging that person upon. Sexual service could be a part of what is desired. However, one might be called upon to serve in a different capacity. This is where the submission process becomes reality. One who submits is not free to choose how he or she will serve. That is in the hands of the Dom/Master.

This concept equally applies to the dominant one in the relationship. It is that person responsibility to determine how to best utilize his (or her) sub/slave. Analyzing capabilities while filling voids is a part of the process. In many ways, it is no different than being in management. The dominant one is responsible for managing the relationship. All choices are his (hers).

Therefore, if you are new, get past the sex idea. Few ever experience the satisfaction of being suspended from the ceiling while being gangbanged. This is something that the porn industry promotes. Instead, look at the vanilla world if you want some idea of what a BDSM relationship is like. Many of the same attributes exist. The big difference is how we decide to break down power. When you have the mindset of service, you quickly understand how the power structure is aligned. This is what separates us from the traditional.

Avoid the tendency to buy into the fantasy that is presented by the online community. Reality hits when one is face-to-face with another person. Much of the information, including the idea on non-stop sex, presented online is absolutely false. Having an understanding of reality will make your life a great deal easier as your explore this way of life. Service is a big component.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 14, 2009

Hard Limits versus The Mind


Limits are things that cause great controversy within the lifestyle. As one moves further out on the spectrum towards the extreme, many believe that hard limits do not exist. I am not a proponent of this belief. There can be certain things that are off limits no matter what the makeup of the relationship. Even slaves have certain things they cannot overcome. To expect people to engage in activities which is potentially dangerous to that person is foolhardy and unsafe. Limits need to be respected.

While there are truly hard limits which many cannot overcome, there are also those things that people will say are limits which are nothing more than walls of the mind. A limit is something that cannot be overcome because it is dangerous for that person to engage in that particular behavior. For example, if one was anally molested as a child, anal sex could be something this person cannot partake in. I once had one who was blindfolded while she was raped as a child. Thus, whenever anyone tried to blindfold her, she would have flashbacks to that point in time. Obviously this was a hard limit for her. To relive those experiences put her in psychological peril.

When you view something as uncomfortable, gross, or embarrassing, that is not a limit. Many, especially when they are new, say they will not do a certain thing. The reasoning is simple; he or she does not want to do it. That is not justification for classifying something as a limit. Instead, it is another form of topping from the bottom. Limits are serious and when one starts to "water down" the concept by attributing nonsense to this, it makes for a perilous relationship. A good Dom or Master will help a submissive find his or her limits while assisting to get past them. Nevertheless, something that is considered embarrassing is not a limit that is overcome.

Remember this idea the next time you are apt to throw out the "limit" idea. Is there a real justification for you not being able to partake in this activity? If so, then it is a hard limit. Yet, if you can only conclude the reasoning is that you do not want to do it, then you are manipulating the relationship. I find that people who do this are like the boy who cried wolf. When a true limit is uncovered, the trust from the dominant one is gone. It is impossible to take someone seriously who always cries "hard limit".

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November 7, 2009

How One Is Dominated


Most understand the idea that the Master/Dom is the one who is in control of the relationship. This is a concept that is fairly easy to comprehend. However, many seem to fall short on accepting this when it comes to implementing it into practice.

We see the exchange of power become more pronounces as we travel further along the line towards the extreme end of the lifestyle. When we arrive at the M/s relationship, we see the breakdown of power complete. A Master is the one who is totally in control with all decisions residing with him (or her if it is a Mistress). This is the basic foundation of this type of relationship.

The problem that often arises is when a slave is not dominated in a way that is to her liking. Instead of being the obedient and accepting one, she decides that she wants something different. When this occurs, the tendency is to do things to try and get things the way that she likes. This is where the phrase "topping from the bottom" applies.

M/s is an extreme aspect of the lifestyle. It is only for those who are able to handle the absolute breakdown. Many like to think they can but only a few are truly able. It seems the fantasy often exceeds reality.

I notice the situation gets magnified when poly is involved. The tendency to compare is a natural one. However, it is also a method which leads to one wanting what others have. This causes conflict in the sense that it is up to a Master to determine where, when, and with whom he focuses his attention. The way that he treats each individual is solely his.

We all have ideas of how we want relationships to look. Many enter with a mindset that was created by pictures they saw online. I see some who tend to "romanticize" this way of life while looking for something that does not materialize. Fantasy is certainly a part of these people's outlooks. Sadly, they are disappointed when real time is encountered.

No relationship is perfect. That is because there are individuals who are involved who are naturally flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. Nevertheless, it should be understood that accepting how a relationship is run is a slave's place. While she might not like it, this is how we choose to live. Obedience is a quality that is highly emphasized. Sometimes one obeys by sitting back and allowing a Master space to do as he chooses. This is difficult but part of the process.

I found that I go through phases. There are periods where I will regularly use a slave sexually before I "drift away". At times I am outgoing and into group sex while other times I want solitude. Whatever my whim, I expect my slaves to be accepting of them. I try not to put them in any danger so they need not worry about being abused. However, obedience includes accepting how I choose to run our relationship. To me, this is part of the deal.

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October 30, 2009

Know-It-All?


I was recently told of an instant messaging conversation that was posted by someone that reflects the mindset of many who start to indulge in the BDSM way of life. This particular interaction took place between someone who was living real time and an online Gorean slave. As you can guess, you know where this one is heading.

Without going into all the interesting details, the basic premise was that the real time slave was sharing her experience while the online one was contradicting everything that was stated. What really got me was the fact that both started by stating they were living Gorean. This is what caught my attention.

The real time one professed that her Master and her lived according to Gorean philosophies as set out in the fictional series written a few decades ago. That being said, the other had to contradict her by stating that her "Master" and her lived according to what he altered Gorean to be. In my mind, this is not Gorean then-it is something that he designed. Nevertheless, the entire episode showed how some people think they have all the answers.

There is a major difference between book knowledge and personal experience. Whatever you think about Gorean, there is a world of separation between someone who is truly living with a Master in real time versus one who is online. I am amazed how people in this lifestyle fail to see that. For whatever reason, they believe that online antics are real. Sadly, most learn the hard way that this is not true.

Nobody likes a "know-it-all". There are some people that we encounter in life who feel they have all the answers. The bottom line is that we all can learn more no matter how long you are involved in something. This is a truth of life. Yet many miss this idea and end up closing their minds to new information.

BDSM allows for a wide range of creativity and imagination in designing a relationship. We are all free to live how we see fit. Nevertheless, we should try to remember that we are always going to encounter someone with more experience than we have. I personally have met people who have lived this way for over 30 years. My experience pales when compared to what they went through. These are the people that I can learn from.

There is nothing that compares to experience. I always suggest trying to find out the experience one has when you are interacting online. Most often, you will find that he or she probably lacks in this area. This ought to be a warning sign to take what that person says with a grain of salt. Without experience, everything is book knowledge.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

October 29, 2009

Victimhood


Many people think that submissive types should be looked down upon. They view submission as a sign of weakness. In my book, An Owned Life, I refer to the impact of societal conditioning on our mindsets. However, being submissive is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is just one following a natural inclination. Domination is not better, it is simply different.

That being said, I will point out that many submissive types want to play the victim. This takes someone from a position that should be esteemed to one where they are viewed as whining babies. People with this outlook fail to see how selfish they truly are. Everything becomes about them instead of another. This creates a conflict especially in a Master/slave relationship.

The truth is that everyone has problems. There is not a person you will come across who does not encounter similar situations. We all experience financial and legal issues, family, illness, and problems at work. The difference is how people handle these things.

A commonsense approach leads me to tell people in this mindset to "get over it". Stop your whining and do something about your present circumstances. Being submissive does not mean that you are helpless. Life issues have to be dealt with. We are not exempt from dealing with these circumstances just because we chose an alternative lifestyle.

Individuals who fall into the victim mindset are easy to spot. They tend to want to cry out to others in an effort to gain sympathy. We read about things in their post online whether it is in a forum or on a blog or in a chatroom. They will make witty sayings that they put up in an effort to gain the condolences of others. Naturally, they tend to find people who think like them, thus having a circle of "friends" all sharing misery.

Submission is not about being a victim. In fact, I believe this mindset has nothing to do with the BDSM world at all. It is something that is prevalent in every lifestyle choice. Some people choose to take control over their affairs while others allow them to overwhelm them.

Perpetual victims are never fun to be around. They are one of the worst forms of psychic vampires in my opinion. The continual complaining about life situations will wear anyone down. People like this should be made aware of what they are doing. There is no future in playing the victim. Life is just a continual process of moving from one crisis to another. Meet a victim 6 months later and you will hear the latest tragedy. This is the way people of this nature operate. Nothing ever gets any better.

Resist the temptation to classify a submissive person as weak or a victim. There is nothing between the two that correlates in general terms. However, it is my experience that many will take the victim role. These are the ones who need to be avoided.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

October 28, 2009

No!


This is a word that we are conditioned to say from a very young age. Some estimates claim that we hear "No!" 65,000 times by the age of 5. I am not certain how many times this is impressed upon our young minds. Nevertheless, it is a lot. Societal conditioning starts at a young age.

When looking at the BDSM world, most claim to understand the exchange of power that is part of our lifestyle. They feel that being in a position to submit to another is what they truly desire. Unfortunately, reality strikes them hard when they realize what the lifestyle is all about.

Naturally, we always need to differentiate between a sub versus a slave. As I write quite often, a sub, by his or her definition, has more control. The submission process is not as absolute as in the M/s world. Usually, the power given only pertains to the sexual arena. Even there, one might still retain some degree of control through the use of safe words, etc...

When one chooses to be a slave, the decision is made to cede all power over to the Master (or Mistress). This means that one is agreeing to follow all instructions as set down before him or her. Here is where the tendency to say "No!" comes into effect. It is something that should rarely be done by a slave.

"No, I don't want to" is not a part of a slave's vocabulary. While I acknowledge there are situations where it is unsafe for a slave to obey a Master's directions, most instances do not meet this requirement. Usually when a slave denies her Master's wishes, it is because she does not want to do it. It matters little that a slave feels embarrassed, upset, or awkward. Her duty is to obey. As long as a Master is treating her in a way that is mindful of past abuses, her position is to carry out his instructions.

Many slaves, especially those who post things online, seem to feel that "No!" is an option for them. To me this shows how disconnected they are from the true nature of M/s. Some tend to make this a regular part of their life. Occasionally refusing to do something can be chalked up to nervousness, lack of trust, or failure to grow. However, continually doing this leads me to believe that one might be better suited to seek out a D/s relationship.

Begin the process of trying to eliminate the word "No!" from your vocabulary.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

October 27, 2009

Bondage


This is one of the aspects of the lifestyle that is captured in the imaginations of those who look at this lifestyle online. Many crave the idea of being held in captivity in an assortment of positions. Certainly, bondage is a way to emphasize the breakdown in power. Obviously, when one is bound, he or she is at the total mercy of the other person. This is an idea that sounds heavenly to many.

As attractive as this idea is, it also comes with a large degree of risk. Regular readers of my work know that I am a proponent of safety in all that we do. This is the highest priority at all times. We live a lifestyle that is safe, sane, and consensual. Notice how "safe" is the first word.

Abusers in the dominant role seem to think that a sub is their rag doll to be used as he or she sees fit. This is true to a certain degree. However, the dominant one is responsible for ensuring the safety of the one being bound. Contrary to what is believed, safety is even more important than the satisfaction he or she garners.

There are many horror stories posted online about what happens when people forget this simple, but crucial, tidbit. We read about instances of death and disfigurement because one did not take the necessary steps to ensure a safe scene. This led to negative circumstances which involved the legal system. I am sure that few set out to achieve this end when they begin their play.

One of the most basic ideas of bondage is to have all restraints loose fitting. While we want to achieve the result of powerlessness, we do not want to cut the circulation off. Wherever there is a restraint touching a body part, be sure that you can get your fingers between them. If not, there is the possibility of inflicting nerve damage. Loss of circulation throughout the body can have tragic consequences.

Another commonsense idea is to never bind anyone near the neck or a major artery. You would think this need not be said but evidently it does. There are some who just lack the basic mental intelligence to presume something so obvious. Nevertheless, tying anyone around the neck or major artery can cause death or a loss of limb.

Finally, limit the time that you have someone tied up. Loss of circulation can occur without harm for a few minutes. However, binding someone for an hour or more is something that should never be done. To be safe, keep changing the position of the sub binding him or her in different ways. This will allow the body to maintain the proper flow of blood to each limb reducing the effects of the bondage.

Practice these simple but effective techniques to prevent injury during your scene. Fun is not achieve in having the cops show up.

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October 26, 2009

Emotional Drama


This post might be offensive to some. Nevertheless, it is something that needs to be written about.

Over the past few months, I wrote about the fact that many seem to view BDSM as the answer to all their life problems. Sadly, the truth is that this is not the case. We live an alternative lifestyle. Nevertheless, it does not shield us from the basic everyday life situations that people encounter. Life is still life and fundamental coping skills need to be applied.

That being said, it seems that many who are drawn to this way of life cannot deal with situations emotionally. Their life is continual drama. We see the results in their life and wonder why can't they see their missteps. People live the way they do because of choices they made. Repeated situations are not always the fault of others.

Emotional drama is something that nobody can seriously deal with long-term. Not in a healthy manner. People who tend to reside in this mindset are apt to tear everyone around them down. This includes children, family, and a Master/Dom or slave/sub.

At some point, people need to grow up. I see so much emotional maturity with some people. This is true of both dominant and submissive types. Both have people who qualify for this title. They missed the idea that it was time to grow up emotionally. Life is not a series of crisis that one moves through. If you cannot handle your life, perhaps you need to address that.

It is sad to see someone live in a world of total delusion. There are many who cannot differentiate reality from fantasy. Well, if one is looking to BDSM to fulfill the fairy tale, I believe you are in for a letdown. Life does not operate that way. Those who succeed have the ability to emotionally cope with unenviable situations. This is true regardless of the lifestyle choice one lives by.

Life does not have to be filled with drama. This is a choice a person makes. Some will make like they are powerless over the circumstances in his or her life. The truth is that we often make choices which put ourselves in the path of negative consequences. Accept it and move on.

If you find that your life is filled with drama, maybe you should look at the way you approach things. Perhaps it is time to release some attachment to something or someone. Some people will suck all the life out of you if allowed. This is something that you should take extreme care to avoid.

I found that dealing with emotionally challenged people is next to impossible. These people need to learn to take some responsibility for their actions. Until that point is achieved, there is little that can be done for them. Submitting to a person of this nature means that you will end up carrying the relationship (in addition to probably being physically abused since that is how many deal with emotional immaturity). Or, if you are the dominant type, trying to continually appease someone of this makeup will consume all your time and energy. In the end, neither situation will be very fulfilling.

Growth is an important aspect of life. If one is unwilling to undergo the changes necessary to accomplish this end, he or she will be a burden on others.

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October 25, 2009

The Extreme Side OF BDSM


Many think the images they see online are what constitutes the "extreme" aspect of BDSM. This might be true if it was real. However, most of the images we see are scenes established by professionals. They are actors playing a role. While the techniques they exemplify are accurate, it is not real BDSM.

That being said, pain is not the most extreme thing one will encounter in this lifestyle. When one looks at all the different aspects of BDSM, they will understand that the Master/slave relationship is the most extreme. Nothing comes close to the immensity of this way of living.

At the foundation of M/s is the total exchange of power. This is what separates M/s from every other type of relationship. All power is absolutely in the hands of the Master or Mistress. A slave retains control over no aspect of his or her life except what is approved by that Master (Mistress). This is a hard pill to swallow if you are not prepared for what this all entails.

Too many glamorize this way of life. For whatever reason, new people believe that by getting into M/s, that suddenly they will be living a sexually extreme life with the One fawning all over them. Sadly, most are slapped with reality when this does not materialize.

To start, there is nothing that says a Master (Mistress) will not think of you as "precious". Of course, nothing says he (or she) will either. Each situation is different. Many seek the romance that they were previously missing in the traditional world. Thus, they believe M/s holds that allure. However, the facts spell out a different reality.

M/s is often lonely, harsh, and unrewarding. There are times when you are overlooked or placed on a "back burner". This is something that many have a tough time accepting. They want to be the prized possession of Master. Being cast aside is not how the fairytale is suppose to go. Well, I would suggest letting go of the fairytale because it is only setting you up for disappointment.

I wrote that most cannot handle being a slave. They will state that is what they are especially after being so obedient while online. The truth is that real time offers a host of other disappointments that few are capable of handling. Nobody tells of the frustration at having to deal with all of One's negative emotions while not being allowed to participate in the positive ones. Few mention what it is like to be ignored while he plays with another. It is unenviable to learn that work, football, and his buddies rank higher than you do. And, it is almost impossible to sit home waiting for him only to get a grunt as he walks through the door and hands you his lunch pail.

Naturally, some of these examples are a bit over-the-top, but they do drive home the point. When you submit to someone in a M/s relationship, all power is removed from you. All the power lies in the one who accepted the submission. This is how it works. Total power exchange is 100%-0%. It is not a 75/25 or a 90/10 proposition. All choices are made by the one in charge and that is not the slave. Your position is to accept while being prepared when you are beckoned. The course of the relationship is at his (her) discretion.

This is what it means in my opinion to live extreme. Tying someone up with an asshook in is a bit more than most can handle. However, I think it child's play compared to the emotional situations the radical power distribution creates. This is not something that is for the weak or faint of heart. Over the years I have proclaimed that slaves are not weak people. To the contrary; anyone truly living as a slave in a successful M/s relationship is stronger than Hercules. It takes inner fortitude to be able to persevere through this particular lifestyle. Those that do are wonderful people with a lot to offer. Sadly, those who cannot are only crushed to pieces. It is the reality that I see on a regular basis.

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October 24, 2009

Flexibility


A good slave has a degree of flexibility about her. Now I am not referring to the type of flexibility where she can put her legs over her head although that is always helpful. What I am alluding to is the fact that a slave needs to be able to change directions on a moment's notice.

The truth is that people who are high drive tend to have a lot going on. This could be your Master. Because of that, situations will change periodically. Nobody has a crystal ball that predicts the future. Instead, we make plans the best we can while holding a degree of flexibility to adjust. Nothing is written in stone.

It seems that everyone is always asking for a "template" of how the BDSM world operates. This seems inane to me since few ask for this in the traditional lifestyle. Have you ever seen anyone ask for the outline of a successful marriage? Yet this idea comes across in the BDSM community almost daily. Another thing that I hear is that people want the outline for the training of a slave. Again, how can this be created when everyone is different.

Flexibility is what allows us to adjust to the different circumstances which arise in life. Just because one is heading in a particular direction which is altered, that does not mean she suddenly is granted the right to get ornery about things. I have seen this repeatedly from slaves. They want to complain that their Masters changed things. My response is that should have been considered before agreeing to a lifestyle with the basis of a total exchange of power. A slave's frustration is understandable but it is also part of the curriculum. It is imperative to remember that all power resides with the Master.

Rigidity is what causes conflict. A slave's place is to make her Master's life easier. Every fight seemingly has the lack of acceptance at the core. Someone is unhappy with something that is being done. Usually, in M/s, it is the slave unwilling to adhere to what the Master wants. Again, this might sound cold and harsh, but this is the most extreme aspect of our lifestyle. That is why I feel few are really cut out for it.

Be flexible in your ideas, agenda, and daily activities. Masters are human creatures who can get distracted rather easily. I am probably the worst in that category if I am to be honest with you. Nevertheless, whenever I interact with one, she quickly realizes that I am not one who micromanages. Nor do I take the time to lay everything out for her to do during the day. I have a basic agenda which is apt to change. Her ability to alter her behavior to reflect my desires is crucial. In the end, this is one of the things that proves her worth to me.

So, my suggestion is to remain loose and flexible with your Master. It is something that I am sure will serve you both well.

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October 23, 2009

"Desperate Subbies"


I recent came across an article that spoke of this topic. This section was contained within a larger context, but I felt this particular point was worth mentioning.

There are many online who have recently uncovered their submissive side. This is something that might have been stirring for years or, perhaps, a recent revelation. Either way, a person is interested in giving control over to another.

We are all good up to this point. The problem arises when we look at the background of some of these individuals. Many seem to have horrific track records in the area of life. (This is a generalization but one that seems to hold true) This, in my opinion, has led them to search out approval from wherever they can get it. The result is one who became a "desperate subbie".

We see these individuals all the time online. These are the ones who would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. They get with a "Master" after a short courtship (usually one or two online chats) and then are "owned". Of course, when the truth comes out about either of them, our little sub is off on another quest for the "One". Fortunately, his or her search is rewarded quickly with another One taking control.

It is easy to see the fallacy in this person's life. The desperation is what causes one to totally ignore the experience and capabilities of the other. Most times the "desperate subbie" just repeats the same tragic behavior that is common throughout his or her life. Sadly, sometimes these people become statistics. There are more than a few nuts out there who are willing to go to crazy lengths. Self preservation is an important matter.

M/s, as all other parts of BDSM, center around the "relationship". This is an alternative lifestyle of how people choose to structure their relationships. The success on that depends upon the abilities and interpersonal skills of those involved. Whenever you have someone who is emotionally or mentally unbalanced, there are going to be issues in the relationship. This is true no matter how it is structured.

A healthy self esteem is crucial for success in all areas of life. BDSM is no different. People who lack this vital component are apt to make poor decisions based upon fear. Acting out of desperation is never a good thing. It often leads to horrible conclusions.

The sad truth is that you can rarely help someone in this type of mindset. It is often best to leave these people alone. For whatever reason, they get obtuse when questioned about their behavior. They claim to know what they are doing yet their results show the exact opposite. At the end of the day, these types of people just suck the life out of you. Moving on is my only suggestion.

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