Switching

If there is any single topic which creates controversy within the BDSM community, it is the idea of being a "switch". For whatever reason, there is a mindset which says one must be either dominant or submissive. The idea that someone could have both tendencies is foreign to most. For this reason, they discount this sector of people in an unpalatable manner.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered the subject of switches. This is a topic that is not written about too often and I believe this leads many to fail to get the answers they seek. Whenever the topic is broached in forums online, I see the fangs come out. Many are comfortable degrading those who claim to be switches by denouncing their sincerity. The idea that both domination and submission ring within an individual causes others to call them "fakes" and "pretenders". I find this sad since there are so many true fakes and pretenders who need to be called out.

Here is my skinny on people who are switches. To start, they are as normal and natural as everyone else in this lifestyle. Just because they are different does not make them any less so. They play an important role in the BDSM community with the presence being heralded as opposed to denounced. Their quest for happiness is found within the same lifestyle as the rest of us. And, their trek to get here mirrors ours in the frustration and catastrophes experienced in the traditional world.

Switches simply are people who have both tendencies naturally. While this will vary from person-to-person, it seems there are situations which brings out one versus the other. For example, I run across women who like to dominate a woman while being submissive to a man. Their preference is based upon gender. I also met women who dominated their husbands while bringing me in to dominate them. These people use the type of relationship to dictate their choice at that moment. Finally, there are some who allow the individual personality of the other person to dictate how they behave.

This is just a snapshot of some of the behavioral types that I encountered. As mentioned, I am certain there are many more. The bottom line is that these people are just as welcomed in BDSM circles as Masters and slaves with 20 years experience. Online degradation of these individuals shows the fallacy of the people involved in those particular venues. Anyone who takes the time to explore inwardly what he or she is naturally belongs in this way of life. Sadly, as we all know, the online world is full of people who are pretending to be something. My experience tells me it is not the switches who are pretending. One might want to look at the "Masters" and "slaves".

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Efficient Use Of Time

I would like to thank all those who commented on my post titled "Online Attraction". If you haven't checked it out, there is a wonderful discussion starting with a few different participants. Valuable insight is being offered up by all.

Today, I would like to approach the BDSM from a more practical standpoint. Efficiency experts tell us the best use of one's time (in all walks of life) is for a person to focus on the most important tasks. What I mean is that one utilizes his or her capabilities for maximum gain while delegating lesser activities to others. For this reason, we do not see executives answering their own phones. It is far more productive to have an hourly employee fill that role while the executive concentrates on more important matters.

The M/s lifestyle, specifically, is like this. Ideally, a Master (or Mistress) will want to use his or her slave's time for maximum benefit. Having the slave concentrate on "lower" level activities allows the Master to dedicate time to other endeavors. This is a practical use of the M/s relationship.

On a personal note, I have a slave handle most of my household tasks. This allows me to focus my attention on other things like my writing. Also, there are a range of activities that she does which make my life easier. This is the role that a slave plays. Another one of my slaves handles much of the interaction with my IT personnel and the associated problems there. Here is another example of where I am freed up to dedicate myself to other things.

How a Master chooses to spend his or her time is up to that person. Not all choose to be productive with the time. Many will lounge around on the sofa watching television or reading a book while the slave attends to the appropriate chores. This is all a matter of personal preference. The important factor is to realize that the slave is freeing up the Master's time while making life easier for him (her).

This brings up a point about the previous post that I mentioned which had the discussion going on. Online relationships fail to net a Master more efficiency with his (her) time. Typically, a slave is not in a position to handle the tasks needed to make a Master's life easier without physically being there. Household details are left to him unless he pays someone else to do them. Yard work and other chores cannot be delegated under this scenario either. In short, I surmise that a slave has a difficult time making a Master's life easier when online. It is really only when the relationship moves to real time does that opportunity present itself. Of course, there are exceptions.

Just some food for thought.

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The Online Attraction

What is the attraction of being involved in BDSM online? Why do so many partake in it without ever moving into anything that looks like reality? How come so many people mistake it for being real when all evidence shows the contrary?

I guess if I could answer all these questions I would be the world's foremost expert on online delusions. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts about what occurs for people to get so wrapped up in something that seems so inane.

To start, many people have horrible lives. The truth is that most individuals are unhappy with their life. This statement applies to all of society, not only BDSM. The average person lives in unhappy servitude to ideals that he or she did not chose. Many wake up after a couple of decades only to realize their fate is sealed. Responsibilities such as marriage, kids, and bills are too substantial to walk away from.

This is where the Internet enter the picture. This medium is the world's greatest masquerade ball. Anyone can assume any persona that he or she wants. The anonymity allows you to hide behind a facade that you cleverly create. Hence, all you dreams can come true.

I see this happen all the time. Most people online are misleading, at best, and complete fakes, at worst. They play their games in an effort to alter the reality that is their existence. Suddenly the bald, dumpy man is Bard Pitt while the overweight, chain smoking woman is Angelina Jolie. Also, our participants are able to mix in all the experience they can garner by simply reading a few web pages. It matters little if there was ever one day spent in a particular lifestyle. As long as one can talk-the-talk, there are no worries.

The attraction to online, especially in BDSM, is all the ups without the downs. Relationships are hard work. We all know that. People who interact with one another on a daily basis go through times of turmoil. This truth is multiplied when deep emotions are involved.

Online "relationships" allow all to "play" without dealing with the negative consequences. If a situation arises that one does not want to deal with, simply stay offline. That solves the problem. Real life differs in that we are not afforded this luxury. People have to deal with life circumstances which are often uncomfortable and upsetting. Online relieves us of this obligation.

Another aspect to online is that we can always put our best foot forward. Since we are dealing in fantasy, there is no need to reveal our true selves. Therefore, that drinking or drug problem is quickly hidden. The continual fight that one battles with his or her temper is not evident online. Whatever the quirk, it can be covered up in this fantasy world. Sadly, reality allows all our defects to some through.

My conclusion that online is stuff that fairy tales are made of. While I acknowledge the incredible wealth of information that is now available, the truth is the Internet allows misguided people to delve deeper into their anti-social behavior. Online relationships are not true relationships. They lack any human interaction. Those who believe them to be real suffer from delusions which might need professional help. They seem to have bigger issues other than just seeking a "pen pal".

Be wise in your use of the Internet. In the BDSM world, it is a wonderful tool to gain some knowledge and to meet people. You now have the ability to tap into people all over the world. However, be judicious in the emotion that you put into anyone you meet online. And, as soon as you can, get some real human interaction involved in the relationship. Start moving the process into real time.

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MIndset

The mindset necessary to succeed in this way of life is vastly different than what is needed in the traditional world. Many find the transition difficult. It can be accomplished but requires some added effort.

To start, one, whether dominant or submissive, needs to be thinking of another. This should be the primary focus. (If kids are involved that changes the dynamics somewhat). This makes sense of a sub but seems strange for a Dom.

Let me explain. A Dom (or Master) is completely responsible for the path of another. When one submits to him, he assumes the onus of her life. The dominant is responsible for the safety of the one under his control. This applies to a scene in a D/s or her life in M/s. Safety is always our highest concern.

Society teaches us to "look out for Number 1". This is ingrained in us since we are small. After decades of having this outlook, the idea that we can instantly change mindset is inane. There is a process one goes through when first entering this way of life.

This lifestyle is not about compromise. M/s, in particular, is a relationship based upon a total exchange of power. A Dom/Master is solely responsible for what occurs. In traditional relationships the input of another is vitally important. Here, it is up to the dominant to decide. He might ask for ideas, but the decision falls upon him.

At the same time, a sub is not to think of herself. If she trusts the Dom/Master, then she should understand that her needs will be taken care of. Naturally she might not get what she wants all the time, but that is the nature of BDSM. In fact, one could say that is a truth of life.

Mindset is crucial for the success in the lifestyle. Holding onto the old thoughts of equality or "what's in it for me" tends to lead to frustration and heartbreak. This way of life is not for those who are unprepared. A shift in one's total outlook is necessary.

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Confidence

This is one of the most basic qualities that a Dom/Master needs. One who is not confident cannot properly dominate another. It is just that simple.

Before going any further, we will reveal why the pretenders do not have what it takes to succeed in this area. Many seem to be confident by telling you how great they are. Those who demand they be called "Master" show how little they really have. Being a Master is more than just the way you are addressed. In fact, the failure to address one in that manner does not make one any less dominant. Yet, many will insist upon this because they lack confidence.

There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. We have all met the former. Those are the ones who talk a big game yet are really nothing in the end. In short, their actions fail to live up to their words.

Leaders in all walks of life strive to instill confidence in others. This is a basic necessity for effective leadership. Those who pull this off succeed. On the other hand, failure to instill confidence can wreck a leader's career. Take the Presidency as an example. While the President is instilling confidence in people, the approval ratings are high and Congress is apt to side with him. However, once the confidence in the President slips, all start to bail. Thus the term "lame duck" President.

A Dom/Master needs to have the same approach. There is no way a sub/slave will follow someone who lacks confidence. It is something that he or she is looking for in the other person. Certainty is trait that is craved. A Dom/Master fosters a certain atmosphere by being confident in his decisions. Wavering is not something that subs/slaves like to see.

We all met those people who are confident (as opposed to arrogant). There is an aura about them. They are the people who others are attracted to. Regardless of the situation, they are the individuals who keep calm in the face of a storm. At the end of the day, they instill confidence in you.

This is what an effective Master does. Trust is build upon this confidence. Over time, a sub/slave comes to have confidence in her Dom/Master. It is something that can occur naturally. However, for this is take place, he must first have that confidence within himself. This is not something that can be bluffed. Without it, the D/s or M/s relationship is doomed to fail.

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Punishments

Punishments are a part of the BDSM lifestyle. Whenever one is in the control of another, there will be times when an adjustment in attitude or behavior is warranted. This is simple a fact of being in this way of life. For those who do not have the fortitude to punish, you might want to consider something else. This is for those who have the mettle to do what is unpopular at times. Often, a Dom/Master needs to stand on principle.

That being said, it seems that punishments are well glorified on the Internet. We all have seen the pics of a woman strung up and beaten with a stick. Nevertheless, this is not punishment. Rather, it is an exploitation of our way of life. The casual voyeur prefers the sadistic as compared to the tame. If one is interested in selling videos, the fantasy is what is played out.

Pain is often a terrible motivator. As mentioned my book, An Owned Life, there are some subs who adore the pain. Punishing them by inflicting pain is the equivalent of giving a child an ice cream cone. The impact might not be what you desire.

Punishments are all about discipline. The goal is to implement the discipline to have her behave in a preferred way. They are not necessarily a method implemented for mistakes. Everyone is human so errors are going to take place. However, there still are instances where behaviors are repeated and warrant a change. This is where punishments come into play.

The main goal is the growth of a sub/slave. Punishments are a means used to help this person reach his/her potential. They are not intended to be malicious. Rather, they are done to stress a lesson. Usually it was something that was missed the first couple of times.

Many feel that punishments are mean. Any parent will know how untrue this statement is. Punishments often are the most loving thing one can do. We discipline our children because we care about them and we want them to have the proper tools for success. The same goes for a sub/slave. My preference is for her to fulfill her potential by becoming the best person she can be. Sometimes, it is necessary to alter her course of action if I feel she is heading down the wrong path. It is my responsibility as a Master.

The point is to understand that punishments need to fit the situation. There are many who seem to think that every minor mistakes deserves the harshest of treatment. This is incorrect. A sub/slave needs to feel the freedom to make mistakes while understanding that corrective action will be given in the proper dosage. Going overboard in this area is what I consider abuse. And, in my mind, the lifestyle has no room for abusers.

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The Right Way

There are many who feel there is only one way to live the BDSM lifestyle. This is a conclusion I draw based upon the obtuse posts that people put online. Many seem to feel that what they know is the only acceptable to live in the BDSM world. Sadly, that is completely incorrect.

This is something that we witness in the online world almost exclusively. Those who live in real time know that each relationship is different. Masters might compare some of the things they do but, in the end, each person is different. This is equally true for slaves. They all differ in their abilities and desires.

My regular readers know that I am not a proponent of the "one size fits all" concept. Many seem to think there is one way to live this lifestyle. I found that those people are looking for the "rituals" they see online. Therefore, they believe that anything which deviates from that model is incorrect.

The problem with this mindset is that most of the rituals do not cross over into real life. The work wonderfully in the role play world yet become a hindrance in real time. There are certain situations where dealing with those who are not part of the lifestyle is necessary. One cannot realistically kneel at his/her work when the Master or Mistress enters. It simply is not practical.

Those who are experienced in this life know there are a variety of ways to run a relationship. Ultimately, the Dom/Master involved determines the course. This is an individual concept based upon the experience and desires of that person. To judge how another behaves is not our place. If it works for them, so be it. At the end of the day, it is up to each to decide their own happiness. Living according to the ideas of someone else is what led us to seek out this way of life in the first place. We need not duplicate that mistake by succumbing to the beliefs of others.

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The True Basis of Submission

Most seem to miss the essential essence of one's submission. They seem to think that having someone under his/her control is a license to be a jerk. At the same time, they look at the small picture of "what am I getting out of this". If they would just look at the bigger picture, their relationships would be taken to a greater height.

The basic essence of submission is servitude. One submits to another because he or she wants to please the Dom/Master. Sexually this idea is rather obvious. However, when we move beyond the sex, we soon realize that this applies to all aspects of life. The position of a submissive it to make the life of the one he or she is serving easier. It is that simple.

This concept puts the dominant one in a different position. Instead of using one for the sole pleasure in the moment, a longer term view nets greater results. The training of one is often a method to enlarge his or her capabilities. My belief is the more a sub can handle, the more valuable to me she is. If she can satisfy more of my needs, I feel this will make my life a lot easier.

I see many who take the opposite track. They want to beat a sub down to reaffirm their positions. This is insane to me. First, if you have to reaffirm your position, it is usually to yourself and not the sub. Secondly, beating one down only diminishes self confidence. Dealing with someone who has no self confidence is like dealing with a beaten dog. It takes continual effort and work. To me, this gets really tiring.

The bottom line is that I operate with the belief that a sub will better serve me the more she can handle. Without this concept, I might be apt to focus on the immediate pleasure I am receiving. While I like this, there are times when it is best to forgo that in an effort to help one grow. Sometimes it is better to tortoise as opposed to the hare.

Try to take a long-term approach with your sub. See how this person can best serve you over the years as compared to just this moment. You will find your interaction with that one will change. In my experience, there is a lot more gained from this approach.

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The Counter Culture

This lifestyle goes against all that we are taught in society. There are many ideas that our culture promotes which go contrary to what we practice in the BDSM. In fact, our foundation is in direct opposition to what the Western world says is appropriate. Anything straying from this is deemed counter culture.

We live an alternative lifestyle. BDSM, while practiced by most in one degree or another, is not the mainstream lifestyle. Certainly, as one heads further towards the extreme, the numbers get fewer in terms of participants. Pony play, as an example, is of interest to a relative few.

So why do people choose this way of life? Naturally, there are some who will select anything that is against the mainstream. I do not believe these comprise the largest number. Most people choose this way of life because it is right for them. Whatever degree they implement BDSM into their lives is the level which they are happy with.

The concept of total power exchange is foreign to mainstream society. They believe in equality. BDSM is not about equality. It is about one surrendering control to another and that person exercising that control. We move quickly away from equality to a state of complete imbalance. The power breakdown is the fundamental premise of this lifestyle.

As you can see, it is an outrageous concept for the average person to comprehend. Our conditioning leads us to believe that there is only one way to live. This is untrue. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of lifestyles which do not fit into societies "little box". BDSM is just one of them. We have people from all walks of life who elect to live according to something that resides deep within them. This is no different from the average homosexual or goth participant. It is something that one chooses to do regardless of what society states.

For this reason, I feel it takes great courage to enter into something that is counter culture. There is a high degree of misunderstanding from those who are closest to us. Most of us opt to keep our choices to ourselves. The learning curve for many is just too great. It is far easier to live our lives in the fashion we desire without seeking the approval of others. This is how we forge our own path in life.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live...just be prepared for the lack of understanding by others.

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How To Get Into BDSM?

This is the easiest way to get into BDSM.


Just add duct tape.

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How Important Is Sex?

Often I write how sex is not the major component of a M/s or D/s lifestyle. While many relegate BDSM to only their sexual practice, others prefer to expand it to other areas of their lives. The domination does not end with orgasm. Instead, it carries on into those aspects that both parties agreed upon.

People like sex. It is one of the most powerful motivators in life. Scratch that. Sex is the most powerful motivator. This single instinct makes people go to the greatest of lengths. They will do anything to increase the amount of sex they get.

Society is full of situations which prove this point. Take the automobile industry. Why do companies like Porsche, Ferrari, and Jaguar exists. They provide automobiles which get guys laid. These vehicles show the power and success required to make one attractive to the opposite sex.

Exercise is done for the same reason. We all know the health benefits of working out. Nevertheless, how many people workout for the purpose of getting healthier. The same people exercising at the gym are also eating a double cheeseburger or drinking alcohol to excess. Instead, I maintain, most people work out to improve their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

M/s and D/s are lifestyles where the sexual control is turned over to the dominant one. This is the foundation of the total power exchange. People who are drawn to this way of life tend to be high sex-drive people. It offers a way for them to fulfill the inner desires while attending to many of the fantasies they harbor. BDSM carries the taboo since mainstream society puts it down.

Sex in the M/s or D/s world is just as important as it is in a marriage. However, it is crucial to note that it is not the entire relationship. Sex-based relationships get old quickly. Also, sex is something that can be withheld as a method of altering behavior. Those who stray down the wrong path often are trained in this manner. It strikes at the very core of each person.

My view is that BDSM is something that goes contrary to what society promotes. There is a standard which is agreed upon and any deviation from that is considered "perverted". I can only presume this is the way it always was. However, we who are in this lifestyle believe that we are free to choose how we live. Diverse sexual interests is something that many of us have and we do not apologize for it. The wish to fulfill our desires is something that we do not subdue. That is part of the freedom we experience.

If sex is important to you, make it a part of your BDSM experience. There is no reason why you have to contour to the standard norm which is offered by the vanilla world. The sad part is that deep down, they secretly envy us because of the freedom we enjoy.

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Certainty?

I write often about questioning your choice to adopt this way of life. I believe that it is best for people to look at the decisions they make even before they make them. Too many seem to believe what they experience online is reality. This was shown to be a conclusion which causes a great deal of heartache.

Today I am going to take the opposite approach. There is a time to stop thinking and begin taking action. Many will try to dwell upon a situation when confronted with a decision. This is avoidance. In life we must all move forward at times. However, because we lack a crystal ball, there is uncertainty with our decisions.

This concept applies not only to BDSM, D/s, or M/s. It is a fact of life. No matter what you are deciding, presuming it is of great importance, you are going to be apprehensive. Consider the choice of college to attend. Or the first house you bought. Or some cars which you purchased. When signing the paperwork, there is a feeling within you of "am I making a mistake".

The truth is that we are going to experience uncertainty in life. There are times when we must proceed despite being nervous. Nobody can know what the right choice in 100% of the time. That is where faith, trust, or intuition come in. We take the facts as they are presented, weigh the pros and cons, and make a choice.

When looking at entering this lifestyle, there are many questions one is confronted with. However, this is no different then those who get "cold feet" on their wedding day. People who experience this feel an uncertainty about the "lifelong" decision they are about to make. Yet most move forward in spite of this feeling and get married. Sometimes, one just needs to move forward in spite of the feelings.

There is no such thing as complete certainty. Uncertainty is a result of decisions since that is it's nature. We never know how a decision will turn out. Even the most educated of guesses can turn out wrong. That is okay. We learn the lesson and progress forward.

If you have done all the research you can and have an understanding what you are getting into, then it is time to take action. Ultimately life is lived in the present. Analysis, research, and opinion seeking are future focus activities. Even if we are uncertain, we must eventually take the leap. If we do not, this lifestyle will continue to allude us.

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5 Tips for Safe Wax Play

here are some safety tips for making the most out of your wax play experience. Follow these to enhance the pleasure while reducing the risk of injury.

1. Use a plain white candle

Many people are allergic to the perfumes and dyes in colored/scented candles. Avoid this by purchasing white unscented candles.

2. Cheap is better

More expensive candles burn at hotter temperatures. We are seeking pleasure not burns. The candles that are available at your local Dollar Store burn at a level that will cause him/her to feel it without causing injury.

3. Hold the candle about a foot away from the sub's body.

Wax cools as it falls from the candle. Holding the candle about a foot above the intended target will allow the cooling process to occur. Again, this will avoid injury to the sensitive areas.

4. Wax external areas only.

It would seem like common sense but must be mentioned. Never place wax on the eyes, mouth, nostrils, or anywhere else where it can penetrate the body. Safety is the top priority and we do not want to impede one's breathing in any way.

5. Always have water or a fire extinguisher available

Many see this as excessive but when playing, especially on a bed, there is a lot that is flammable. Take the necessary steps to ensure that something tragic does not result from a scene that goes awry.

Enjoy your BDSM experience to the fullest.

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Parenting Skills Help

I freely admit that I will never win the parent of the year award. When it comes to being a father, I am adequate at best. When my daughter was born I made a choice which affects our relationship to this day. Over the last 7 years, things got a lot better. However, they will never be mistaken for the typical father-daughter relationship. I freely accept the situation since it is due to choices I made.

Fortunately I get a second chance at honing my parenting skills since dealing with subs/slaves often resembles dealing with children. Slaves have the ability create a mess over the dumbest shit. Sometimes a Dom/Master wants to throw up his hands and say "screw it".

The situation is magnified when you are involved in poly (although it truly becomes multi-slave). Most slaves cannot get along with each other. They are like children in the sandbox fighting over the pail. You should hear the whining when they don't get their way.

Those who read my posts know that I prefer the positive approach to this lifestyle. Slaves should be given responsibility to lighten the load on a Master. However, when they behave like children, an approach that resembles a child ought to be undertaken.

We need to bear in mind that some simply do not belong in the lifestyle. They want to claim they are submissive yet their actions seem to resemble a dominant role. (My post about a slave who decided when she and her Master had sex comes to mind.) They are seeking to fill something within themselves which M/s will not. A lack of esteem is never a reason to get involved in this way of life. Neither is loneliness. At the end of the day, your character flaws will doom the relationship.

Anyway, back to the children (slaves). Sometimes you just need to let them sulk. It reminds me of when my sister would throw a tantrum in the supermarket if she was told no to something. She would lay in the middle of the aisle screaming at the top of her lungs. My mom would just continue shopping knowing sooner or later she would realize she was alone. Then the terror of being abandoned set in. At that point, my sister forgot whatever she was refused. Her main concern became being reunited with my mother and feeling the safety that brings.

Similarly, a slave often needs to pitch a fit. They do that. Let them go. In my book, An Owned Life, I talk about different punishments. When in a situation like this, there are a few possibilities. The first is always release. Some will have to be let go. The other is to ignore them for a while. There is not a slave in the world who can handled being 100% ignored by her Master for 72 or 96 hours. I find that is the most powerful punishment a Master can give.

In poly, there is often a fight for a Master's time. A little shift in focus helps to put it all in perspective for a slave. When one is squabbling about a lack of time with the Master, remove whatever time she was given. If she is complaining about a lack of sex, remove all physical contact. When there is something she doesn't like that she was given, remove all that she has. This will remind her that her place is at the bequest of her Master. TPE is complete.

I understand this sounds harsh and demeaning. In some ways it is. However, I feel an obligation to warn/remind potential Masters of what really exists. Many feel that things will change when things move from online to real time. Certainly they do. However, the same childish behavior witnessed in the chat rooms will exist in person. The anonymity of the Internet allows them to change certain aspects of themselves. Nevertheless, it is impossible to hide one's true personality. Fear is a powerful motivator that controls the lives of most.

Understand that dealing with owned ones is like dealing with children. The quicker one realizes this, the better. There are times when maturity is at the core of the relationship. However, many times you will be reminded of the 5 year old in the sandbox. Do not be discouraged. It is not you. Some just have to behave in that manner. My suggestion is disappear for a while. Let her really know what it is like for you to turn your back. Most times, this will serve as the wake up call that is needed.

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The Personality Issue

I cannot say it any clearer than this: more conflicts seem to arise out of personalities what for any other reason. Personalities often clash unexpectedly. Whenever things are traveling along smoothly and they abruptly change, it is often the result of a quirk in personality. Therefore, maybe it is important for us to understand how crucial this component is in our decision-making.

As the regular readers know, I am involved with many people simultaneously. Sometimes I am into poly relationships while, others, are multi-person. The difference between the two seems to be how all interact with each other. The barometer tends to be the personality clashes (or lack of) that exist.

Many seek to get involved with a Master or Dom without thinking of the consequences. The reverse is also true when One is seeking someone to have submit. It appears that anyone will do who is willing to move forward. Sadly, this is where the death of the relationship starts. In effect, it is doomed before it began.

Personality conflicts enter all areas of our lives. We have them with families, co-workers, and employers. We also will have them in our personal relationships if we are not careful. The traditional world does a good job training people to fit those with whom they are compatible with. Yet we fail to promote this same ideal within this alternative lifestyle. It appears the only qualification is to unite a dominant type with a submissive type. As long as both of those are met, there is a match.

This is where the trainwrecks come from. Sex is a wonderful part of life (and this lifestyle). However, as most know, relationships need to move past that if they are ever to last. Sad but true. The ones that are forced together without much thought of how each personality will interact end up in destruction.

How do you get past this? As Master who interacts with many at the same time, I understand the concept of matching personalities the best I can. Even with a mind towards it, there are times when mistakes are made. Sometimes the best method is to keep people separated from each other. I find this alleviates some of the strain as a result of the personality conflicts. This is where poly moves into the multi-person realm.

Some people simply do not get along. There are clashes of their personalities which cannot be overcome. This is true for both subs/slaves as well as for Doms/Masters. I personally had a situation at a sex gathering where there was one woman who so turned me off with her snotty personality that I would have thrown her through a window before fucking her. She was stunning to look at but lost it all when she opened her mouth (and not to suck a cock either). Basically, her and I would never get along no matter how long we interacted.

Whenever you are looking to get with someone new, look at their personality to see if it is something that is accommodating to you. Do this before you submit to a Dom/Master. Before bringing another into the mix, see how she will interact with the others who are already there. Of course there is no guarantee for success. Nevertheless, the awareness might increase your chances.

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The Online Illusion

I wrote a great deal in the past about the differences between real time and online. There was extensive differences mentioned in my book, An Owned Life. Many seem to believe that what they read about and see in pictures online is what this lifestyle is all about. Sadly, they are shocked to realize this is not the case. Reality offers a much different view.

The easiest analogy I can come up with is to compare this lifestyle to marriage. Many have the "Prince Charming" idea of the state of matrimony. From the time of being small, girls are conditioned to think of their wedding day. It is something of fantasy and excitement. I am sure the mind drifts to the wonderful life that two will share after the ceremony. In short, it is a heavenly experience that will last until death.

Okay, my question is how many people experience anything close to this? With more than half the marriages ending in divorce, I would guess that fewer than 10% of the people even get close to this ideal. At the same time, those who have wonderful marriages realize that life still occurs. They face the everyday problems that all others are confronted with. The fairy tale is replaced with a solid understanding of the regular challenges of life.

Unfortunately, few make this same distinction to this lifestyle. Regardless of the alternative lifestyle selected, life still happens. D/s and M/s people face the same challenges. So do swingers, BDSMers, and homosexuals. Regardless of the life you choose to lead, there is no escaping reality.

Online is not reality. This is true no matter what the circumstances are. Many suffer from the illusion that the people in chatrooms, as an example, are real. The truth is they are usernames on a screen. Their persona is a creation which might or might not be accurate. The anonymity of the Internet allows for misrepresentation.

The online illusion is bought into on a daily basis. So many enter chatrooms and sites believing their interaction with another is real. This is not the case unless there is something done to take the relationship to the next level. I feel online is a wonderful way to "meet" people although it is fantasy unless there is some other interaction. People are often surprised when I initially ask if they are willing to meet at some point. If one is not willing to meet in person, what is the point of even chatting. The relationship will never move from online to real time in that instance.

Life in the real world is vastly different than the fantasy played out online. Few have dungeons in their house to be able to offer the complete BDSM scene. Life is not 24 hours a day of play and interaction. Subs/slaves are distraught to find they are not the main focus of a Dom/Master. Sometimes football takes preference whether it is a husband or a Dom. In other words, life happens.

Bear this in mind when you are tempted to believe what you are experiencing online is real. While there is a relationship when interacting in this manner, there is also a large portion of reality missing. The shift from online to real time is bigger than many imagine.

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Gratitude For What Is Given

It is no secret that the D/s and M/s relationships are ones where the equality is not part of the equation. People seem to grasp the concept in theory yet put up a fight when this occurs in reality. The truth is that a total exchange of power in a real time relationship means that expectations are basically meaningless. If a sub/slave chooses to hold onto them, she might be devastated.

The fact is that one should be grateful for what is granted. Failure to do so might result in whatever is offered being removed. There are many times where the best punishment is the removal of interaction with a Dom/Master.

When there is more than one involved, the situation gets multiplied. Many seem to believe it is up to them to dictate how much time/attention/gifts (etc...) they are given by a Dom/master. At the same time, they feel there should be some type of equality amongst the "family". To both of these I say "wrong".

If one truly wants to live the life of submission, these are thoughts which are outside the bounds of this way of life. There is nothing wrong with living a life of equality except when you seek it in the D/s or M/s realm. This is not a life of equals. In fact, it is the exact opposite. TPE produces complete inequality.

So how does one counter the feelings of wanting more. Simple. Be grateful for what is given to you. When a Dom/Master provides you with something, take it as a gift. Whether it is his time, attention, or permission to cum, hold it as something of value. Be grateful that he gave you that much. Failure to do so might result in that being removed.

Of late, I wrote about the more basic, cold facts of the lifestyle. The reason I do this is to alert everyone to the realities of this way of life. M/s and D/s are not for those who are insecure. Submission doesn't make someone weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes incredible strength and courage to submit. However, once done, do not think your life will suddenly become a bed of roses. Life can be cruel and the TPE world reflects that.

Gratitude is a way to find happiness in any lifestyle. I feel the more extreme the lifestyle, the more it is necessary. Start immediately appreciating whatever it is that your Dom/Master gives you instead of focusing upon that which you do not get. It will make your life more worthwhile.

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