November 29, 2009

The Extreme

Like everything else in life, the BDSM community is a variation of degrees. There is what is considered "light bondage" which is at the less severe end of the spectrum. Going to the opposite extreme, we find hardcore M/s relationships where nothing is off limits. And, of course, there are variations in between. The question is, where do you fit?

Many seem to picture the extreme in their mind. This is due to the fact that this side of the lifestyle is promoted through imagery online. Websites like to go for the "shock value" when promoting their goods and services. Nevertheless, there is some basis in reality for what they promote.

The Master/slave relationship is considered one of the more extreme aspects of this way of life. At the core of this interaction is the complete exchange of power. Those who choose to engage in this particular flavor need to be aware of the limitations (or lack thereof). Many claim to be slave material yet fail miserably when asked to do something. This is why it is important to know where you fit.

I wrote on a number of occasions how I believe only a few are truly cut out to be slaves. A cruise around different chat rooms quickly reveals the fantasy many are engaging in. While they claim that living real time M/s is their dream, they fail to realize what that entails. If one is open to dwelling in the extreme, one better be prepared for what that is like. Sadly, few do.

A true M/s relationship means that the Master (or Mistress) is to be obeyed at all times. There is no limit to what one is willing to do. There is debate within the lifestyle of whether there is such a thing as hard limits or not. For practicality sake, I am going to omit this argument and presume there are some hard limits. However, they exist, in my mind, only as to the psychological damage they can cause. In the end, physical pain and lack of interest do not qualify as a hard limits.

Are you willing to do whatever you are told? Again, this is the foundation of M/s. Will you obey the directives of the one you submit to without question? Are you willing to suffer the consequences as a result of being disobedient? Can you be trusted to respect the tenets of this relationship while living under his or her domain?

Here are some of the actual directions I have heard given to a slave over the years:

-having sex with animals
-piecing oneself
-being branded
-sexually satisfying a homeless guy(s)
-being ignored for weeks on end
-eating shit/drinking piss
-engaging in suspension
-not cumming for over a year
-sleeping in a cage or on the floor
-living like a dog (or pony)
-having to give up your career/job
-all possessions given up including children
-exposing yourself on demand regardless of where and whom is around
-being passed around sexually for the pleasure of others
-watching your Master or Mistress with others
-Being humiliated in public
-Getting embarrassing tattoos
-Engaging in homosexual sex acts when you are straight
-physical pain include cbt, titty torture, whippings, and paddlings
-Partaking in electrical, needle, and medical play

All these activities were actually directed at a slave. Could you fulfill these if asked? Are you sitting there stating "No, I would never do that"? If so, you might want to look at the choices you make. The M/s lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It is considered extreme for a reason.

The comeback I often hear is that "I will not get with someone who is into those things". My reply is simply "that is not your choice". A Master (Mistress) is in complete control. Whatever he or she desires is your course of action. Over time, that person can evolve and develop whatever interests he or she chooses. Are you ready to accept what they are? I surmise that most "online slaves" are ill-prepared for this reality.

BDSM is not a romantic fairy-tale. It is the lifestyle answer for many of us. However, people will get into trouble when they try to make it into something it is not. The story of Cinderella was already written. BDSM relationships might have the romantic component. Then again, they might not. It is up to the Master (Mistress) to decide.

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Respect For The Lifestyle

I am not sure as to why this happens but it seems like there are many who have little regard for this way of life. Even those who are supposedly "owned" tend to make a mockery of how we live. Perhaps this is due to the immaturity of those who are involved or maybe they are just playing games. Regardless of the reasoning, there appears to be only a few who truly take this lifestyle seriously.

In my last post, I wrote about the need to post one's entire life online to make one feel worthy. This is a form of disrespect for this way of life in my opinion. When one is sharing all the details of a scene he or she was involved in, this is the equivalent of bragging. There is no reason to share all your experiences in this way of life.

To contrast this, I analogize this to marriage. What would you think of a person who shared all the details of his or her sex life? Do you know the reputation that person acquires? What kind of respect does this show for his or her spouse? Certainly, I am not one who is uptight and hellbent on protocol. Nevertheless, there is a basic degree of respect people show themselves and others.

I am reminded of who usually shares they got "laid": teenage boys. They need to brag to their friends to make themselves feel better. It is a way to fit in. I see the same parallel to those in this lifestyle. The need to express what one is doing is done in an effort to prove that what he or she has is real. Of course, this is often done by those who are living an "online" life. There is no need to share reality since it speaks for itself.

Sadly, people like this quickly become a joke. This might be a judgmental approach but I feel the need to call it as I see it. The Internet is a valuable tool to share information and experiences with newer people. My personal preference is to share experiences only as they will help others. All the gory details are not necessary to prove my standing within this way of life. I know what choices I made and how I live. The desire to prove to others is minimal.

We live according to certain protocols for a reason. The basic truth is that everything has a certain way of doing things. Those who adhere to the basic tenets of a particular discipline are showing respect for it. For example, religious institutions all have protocols they follow. The believers of that faith show their loyalty and respect by following them. Non-believers take a different approach. The same is true here. Those who are serious about the lifestyle act like adults and remember to have respect for those involved.

Remember this idea the next time you have the desire to post something that many would believe is inappropriate. Contrary to what you might think, you do not live in a vacuum. Ideas get passed along, sometimes with harmful results.

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November 26, 2009

Being Careful

The Internet is a wonderful medium for interacting. However, it is also a vehicle which can cause a great deal of trouble. Over the last few months, we highlighted the perils associated with online BDSM relationships and how not everyone is forthright with the truth. Nevertheless, there is another area that I want to expand upon since I see it occur so regularly.

In my book, An Owned Life, I cover this subject in greater detail. Whenever someone is new to the lifestyle, they invariably make the mistake of telling the wrong person about their choice. This is magnified when one opts to enter into the M/s facet of this world.

The fact of the matter is that we are involved in something that goes against the societal grain. This way of life is called an "alternative lifestyle" since it is something different from the mainstream. It is an important factor to remember.

Even when dealing with a D/s relationship, I opt not to explain it to anyone on the outside world. To start, they cannot comprehend what I am talking about. Society promotes equality. The idea of a total power exchange simply baffles most people.

The second reason to keep my choice under wraps is the simple fact that information has a way of biting us in the ass. People are always seeking ways to use things against us. We witness this in court battles, interactions with exes, and relationships with peers. Many are simply trained to attempt to elevate themselves at the expense of others.

I see so many who choose to post their entire lives on the Internet. This amazes me since I always wonder if the person ever considered the fact that few care. Most are involved in their own lives. The idea of sharing every facet with others is stupid and dangerous. There seems to be no limit to what people will post.

Many who are doing this suffer from low self esteem. The Internet offers a medium where anyone can become a blogger. Instantly, the writer is important (at least in his or her mind). They mistakenly believe that there are those who hang on their every word. Their belief is that this medium offers them a place to have their say. While that is true, they need to develop some type of filtering device since much of what I see is completely inappropriate.

My conclusion is the people who write this stuff are engaging in a desperate cry for help. I believe many of these people need professional counseling. When I see what some post, I am saddened to know they have children who are in their custody. Unstable people are the ones who create horrific events. And, you only need to read a few posts to quickly garner how unstable they really are.

Being careful also transcends to other areas of our life in addition to online. Many fail to recognize that children and family members are not to be clued in on how we live. This holds true for "vanilla" friends. Many, even within the lifestyle, are terrible gossips. They have to talk to amuse themselves. These are the people who will express a secret to anyone who will listen. Many do not need an ex knowing that he or she is now owned. Nor does one's children need to know the lifestyle choices one makes. These are people who could cause damage with the information.

Nevertheless, in the next week I will come across many "writers" posting the intimate details of their lives. The desperate cry for help will continue while doing nothing more than embarrassing the person making the posts. Eventually, someone will get bitten because the break in anonymity by another who was supposedly a "friend".

My only advice to you is to follow the edicts of the Mafia: keep your mouth shut; tell them nothing. The less information most people share, the better. Few seem to realize they lack the practical experience to share much worthwhile anyway. In this instance, less is more.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 21, 2009

Total Power Exchange

This is a topic I write about often since it is the basic foundation for many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Whenever we are referring to M/s or D/s, the main component is the exchange of power. The only way either of those relationships exist is because the power is ceded to the one in control.

For those who are unaware, the single difference between M/s and D/s is in the areas the power applies to. In a M/s relationship, the slave is giving up all power over any area of his or her life. Nothing is off limits to the Master or Mistress. Compare that with the D/s relationship where the control applies to only certain aspects of life that are agreed upon. Commonly, this it is the sexual arena where the power is ceded while the sub maintains control over other aspects of life.

The key point to the power exchange is that it is complete. That is why it is termed "total power exchange". There is not an equal breakdown of power. Whereas most relationships contain some type of 50/50 breakdown of power, the BDSM relationship goes the opposite direction. We establish routines whereby the division is 100% to 0%. Again, this pertains to both D/s and M/s.

Many seem to intellectually acknowledge this idea. Nevertheless, they seem to have difficulty putting it into practice. I read many who post their experiences online and often am left wondering are they slaves or are they Masters (Mistresses)? They seem to miss this basic point of our lifestyle.

A submissive is to be obedient. This is the main quality which separates the good ones from the bad ones. Anyone who is looking to get into this way of life without the desire to be obedient is going to have issues. It cannot be stressed enough that we live in a way which contains an absolute breakdown of power. Closing one's eyes to this fact only leads to trouble in the future.

When the power is in the hands of another, all decisions, by default, are with that person. The one who submitted can offer up recommendations or suggestions (if the dominant one allows that). However, the end choice is with the one in control.

Many will try to manipulate their way around this concept. They feel they can use little "games" to try and get their desires met. This is not what is meant when I mention obedience. Manipulation is an underhanded way to try an exert control. This is not the position of a submissive type. While it might be human nature to act out on our desires, a good sub or slave will be able to overcome this. Obedience leads to the idea of service. If one is truly serving the needs of his or her One, then all else is secondary.

There are many ideas presented online about how this lifestyle works. While much of it is informative, there is a lot that is misleading. Be careful when you consider what you are reading. BDSM is a wonderful way of life. However, there are certain basic tenets that we all live by. The exchange of power is something that is not to be taken lightly. Anyone who is considering this way of life should ponder what the power exchange means and if you can live under these conditions. Entrance into this lifestyle means that your wishes and desires become secondary. How does that sit with you?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 19, 2009

Online Prospects

Much attention is given to the online BDSM world, specifically, M/s and D/s. It is interesting to notice how many are taken in by the cons that occur online. What would normally be dismissed with common sense is, instead, swallowed whole-heartedly. This creates a situation where many are harmed.

What is one to do when faced with the daunting task of trying to find someone online? How can you succeed in your search while protecting yourself from the predators and game players? That is what I seek to answer here.

To start, there are many genuine people online who are seeking exactly what they say. They are real in every sense of the word. Their intentions are explicitly stated with no hidden agenda. These are the people that we are all seeking.

My experience leads me to believe the percentage of people falling into this category is around 5%. I feel that 95% of those one encounters in the online BDSM world are full of crap to one degree or another. This applies equally for those who profess to be submissive as it does for those who are dominant.

Therefore, before investing a great deal of energy into someone, understand that there is a 95% chance that you are dealing with someone who is not after the same thing you are. The Internet is a mechanism which allows one to be totally anonymous. It is rather simple to create an online persona and run with it. For many, they simply lack the ability to recognize the pretenders.

Online is a wonderful way to strike up a "relationship" with someone. However, caution always needs to be applied. Offering simple "tests" is a wonderful way to verify what one is saying. For example, if you are a dominant, give your new submissive an exercise to do. If he or she completes it, there is hope. Failure to do so leads me to state "move on". A person who fails on the first go is likely telling a story.

As a Master, I know that my place within a relationship is something that is earned, not given. There were a lot of years spent learning what this lifestyle is all about. This offered me the training to be an experienced Master. For this reason, I am comfortable and confident in my abilities. While not perfect, I have had success living this lifestyle.

That being said, anytime I interact with a submissive, I instruct her to call me "Sir". This is showing the proper respect of the position of dominant without knowing my specific credentials. Even if there is someone who feels that I am worthy of respect, I still insist upon this protocol.

This is a sharp contrast to many I see in a chatroom. These fools feel that they are worthy of being called Master by everyone who is submissive. Perhaps some are; most are not. Nevertheless, they are indignant when it comes to this. Somehow they believe that the title makes it so. Remember, it is easy to assume a persona online. However, the persona does not make it so.

If I called myself an astronaut, do you think NASA would deem me qualified to fly into space. While I might qualify as a space cadet (or space case), being an astronaut requires a certain degree of experience and training. The same is true in this lifestyle. People who claim to be a Master simply because they capitalized their name are closer to being space cadets than true dominants.

Respect is something that I earn; it is not given. This is true for all aspects of life. If you encounter someone who demands certain treatment simply because they believe they are entitled to it, tell them to go jump in a hole. To me, there is a great chance they fall into the 95% bracket we previously mentioned.

Remember these tidbits when you are interacting with others online. We will cover this topic in greater detail in future posts. For now, just use common sense in your approach to this lifestyle. You will not be sorry.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 17, 2009

Service Versus Sex

Let me ask a question: what do you think that newer people to the lifestyle think about when they are considering what is offered here? Do you believe that service is the idea that is foremost in their minds or does the idea of sexual conquest reign supreme? My experience tells me that the idea of sex is what most consider when looking at this alternative lifestyle.

Naturally, the images presented online lead one to this conclusion. We all have seen the pictures of professional dungeon scenes put out by or websites like that. Sadly, this leads people to falsely to believe that this way of life is all about sex. The truth is, that sex is only a minor component to how we live. In fact, BDSM is about power and control as opposed to sexual conquest. Certainly that is an arena that is explored. Nevertheless, we live a life that is so much more than sex.

Newer people fail to see that real life is a part of the deal. BDSM does not exempt us from the daily struggles that affect millions of others. Regardless of whether one is submissive or dominating, he or she needs to look past the sexual aspect to understand what this life is all about. This is a step that needs undertaking in if one expects to have any success.

The way to approach BDSM is to understand how service is the main component of each relationship. People enter this lifestyle looking to meet the needs of another or to have their own needs met. This simple concept eludes people. A submissive type should remember it is his or her place to serve. This is what a Dom/Master is judging that person upon. Sexual service could be a part of what is desired. However, one might be called upon to serve in a different capacity. This is where the submission process becomes reality. One who submits is not free to choose how he or she will serve. That is in the hands of the Dom/Master.

This concept equally applies to the dominant one in the relationship. It is that person responsibility to determine how to best utilize his (or her) sub/slave. Analyzing capabilities while filling voids is a part of the process. In many ways, it is no different than being in management. The dominant one is responsible for managing the relationship. All choices are his (hers).

Therefore, if you are new, get past the sex idea. Few ever experience the satisfaction of being suspended from the ceiling while being gangbanged. This is something that the porn industry promotes. Instead, look at the vanilla world if you want some idea of what a BDSM relationship is like. Many of the same attributes exist. The big difference is how we decide to break down power. When you have the mindset of service, you quickly understand how the power structure is aligned. This is what separates us from the traditional.

Avoid the tendency to buy into the fantasy that is presented by the online community. Reality hits when one is face-to-face with another person. Much of the information, including the idea on non-stop sex, presented online is absolutely false. Having an understanding of reality will make your life a great deal easier as your explore this way of life. Service is a big component.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

November 14, 2009

Hard Limits versus The Mind

Limits are things that cause great controversy within the lifestyle. As one moves further out on the spectrum towards the extreme, many believe that hard limits do not exist. I am not a proponent of this belief. There can be certain things that are off limits no matter what the makeup of the relationship. Even slaves have certain things they cannot overcome. To expect people to engage in activities which is potentially dangerous to that person is foolhardy and unsafe. Limits need to be respected.

While there are truly hard limits which many cannot overcome, there are also those things that people will say are limits which are nothing more than walls of the mind. A limit is something that cannot be overcome because it is dangerous for that person to engage in that particular behavior. For example, if one was anally molested as a child, anal sex could be something this person cannot partake in. I once had one who was blindfolded while she was raped as a child. Thus, whenever anyone tried to blindfold her, she would have flashbacks to that point in time. Obviously this was a hard limit for her. To relive those experiences put her in psychological peril.

When you view something as uncomfortable, gross, or embarrassing, that is not a limit. Many, especially when they are new, say they will not do a certain thing. The reasoning is simple; he or she does not want to do it. That is not justification for classifying something as a limit. Instead, it is another form of topping from the bottom. Limits are serious and when one starts to "water down" the concept by attributing nonsense to this, it makes for a perilous relationship. A good Dom or Master will help a submissive find his or her limits while assisting to get past them. Nevertheless, something that is considered embarrassing is not a limit that is overcome.

Remember this idea the next time you are apt to throw out the "limit" idea. Is there a real justification for you not being able to partake in this activity? If so, then it is a hard limit. Yet, if you can only conclude the reasoning is that you do not want to do it, then you are manipulating the relationship. I find that people who do this are like the boy who cried wolf. When a true limit is uncovered, the trust from the dominant one is gone. It is impossible to take someone seriously who always cries "hard limit".

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November 7, 2009

How One Is Dominated

Most understand the idea that the Master/Dom is the one who is in control of the relationship. This is a concept that is fairly easy to comprehend. However, many seem to fall short on accepting this when it comes to implementing it into practice.

We see the exchange of power become more pronounces as we travel further along the line towards the extreme end of the lifestyle. When we arrive at the M/s relationship, we see the breakdown of power complete. A Master is the one who is totally in control with all decisions residing with him (or her if it is a Mistress). This is the basic foundation of this type of relationship.

The problem that often arises is when a slave is not dominated in a way that is to her liking. Instead of being the obedient and accepting one, she decides that she wants something different. When this occurs, the tendency is to do things to try and get things the way that she likes. This is where the phrase "topping from the bottom" applies.

M/s is an extreme aspect of the lifestyle. It is only for those who are able to handle the absolute breakdown. Many like to think they can but only a few are truly able. It seems the fantasy often exceeds reality.

I notice the situation gets magnified when poly is involved. The tendency to compare is a natural one. However, it is also a method which leads to one wanting what others have. This causes conflict in the sense that it is up to a Master to determine where, when, and with whom he focuses his attention. The way that he treats each individual is solely his.

We all have ideas of how we want relationships to look. Many enter with a mindset that was created by pictures they saw online. I see some who tend to "romanticize" this way of life while looking for something that does not materialize. Fantasy is certainly a part of these people's outlooks. Sadly, they are disappointed when real time is encountered.

No relationship is perfect. That is because there are individuals who are involved who are naturally flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. Nevertheless, it should be understood that accepting how a relationship is run is a slave's place. While she might not like it, this is how we choose to live. Obedience is a quality that is highly emphasized. Sometimes one obeys by sitting back and allowing a Master space to do as he chooses. This is difficult but part of the process.

I found that I go through phases. There are periods where I will regularly use a slave sexually before I "drift away". At times I am outgoing and into group sex while other times I want solitude. Whatever my whim, I expect my slaves to be accepting of them. I try not to put them in any danger so they need not worry about being abused. However, obedience includes accepting how I choose to run our relationship. To me, this is part of the deal.

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