What Is BDSM?

This post is going to hopefully clear up many of the major misconceptions that exist out there about the BDSM lifestyle. To start, I want to state that the ideas I am going to mention pertain to the relationship aspect. Those who are interested in implementing BDSM play into their bedroom activities, while still BDSM, will not relate to this. Only those involved or seeking a connection with another will identify with the principles.

The BDSM Relationship

I often ask people what is the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship". It is interesting, although not surprising, to hear people state BDSM. Sadly, this is completely false. The most important idea to remember is that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

Many seem to think they entered the twilight zone when they involve themselves in BDSM. That leads to a host of irrational behaviors which often result in harm. The truth is that one needs to approach this life with the same skills utilized in all other interactions. Ultimately, BDSM is about the relationship with another person.

When one analyzes a BDSM relationship, you come to understand how it is the same, and how it differs. To simplify things, the main difference between the BDSM relationship and a traditional one is the breakdown of power. Many are involved in what is termed 'total power exchange'. What this means is that the power split is unequal. One person has 100% of the power while the other has 0%. Contrast this with most relationships which are 50/50 or, perhaps, skewed one way or another because of personalities. Other than that, most of the same skills for success are required.

Many ask how does one separate the BDSM life from the 'outside' life? There is no need to 'separate' the two. Life is life. One does not leave one to enter into another. Again, this isnt the twilight zone. There is no mystery. Your life is exactly what it is. Certainly, we behave differently depending upon the surroundings. But, isnt that true in the traditional world? We act one way in front of our boss while behaving differently with our buddies on a Friday night while drinking beers. Along the same lines, one involved in a BDSM relationship will behave accordingly in both private and public. However, the momentary external circumstances do not change the relationship.

What Is One?

People are either dominant or submissive (or switches). That is what they are. However, one needs to look at what makes this so. Is a person dominant, for example, because he or she acts in a particular manner? Or is someone submissive because they do those things that are associated with a submissive person? I will answer this with a question: is a person female because she dresses, acts, and exhibits the ways of a female?

The answer to all of these is 'no'. Domination or submissiveness is what one is. It is something that comes from inside the person. It matters little how one is behaving in the particular moment. Dress up a female in male clothing and she is still a female. That does not change about her. The same is true within our lifestyle. Just because a sub is 'acting' dominant, in a job let's say, that doesn't change who she is. Her submissiveness is remains.

What does all this mean? In my experience, I concluded that people who enter this life focus upon the action and behavior. People want to know about what one does as a dominant (or submissive). This is the wrong approach. Again, the actions do not determine what one is. It is what is inside that makes this decision. Thus, instead of focusing upon the action, one needs to look within for the answers. To me, the most important aspect of this is the mindset one has. Out of this the actions will follow. However, it all starts with the inner search of what is there and conditioning the mind to follow suit.

What Is BDSM?

So, what is BDSM? Let me start by stating what it is not. Contrary to the images presented online, BDSM is not all about sex. You will not find yourself tossed into an episode of Public Disgrace on a daily basis. Nor it is about 'round-the-clock' beatings. It is doubtful your new Dom/Master has a dungeon set up where you will live. While sex and whippings are a part of the life we lead, it is not the primary focus.

Another thing that this is not is a fairy tale. Many like to romanticize it while placing it on a level of a kinky Cinderella. There are no glass slippers in this one. Many seem to think that a series of science fiction novels written in the 70s depict what this life is like. Few live something even remotely identifiable with these works. Again, this is mental imagery presented in the online community that does not transcend to real time.

BDSM is an inner search that is turned outward to fulfill a desire the dwells deep within a person. One might call it a connection to spirit. Whatever the terminology, the basic idea is living true to oneself. Getting involved in a BDSM relationship entails one living according to certain principles while interacting with another person. Each person fulfills a void for the other person. This connection is what present the opportunity for both people to grow. It is through this interaction that we learn more about ourselves.

Trust is a quality that many people have difficulty with. The BDSM relationship necessitates trust at the deepest of levels. Many of the activities we engage in are wrought with danger. A submissive, especially, needs to trust in the person that he or she is giving control to. Vulnerability is present even at the physical level; something that most in the traditional world do not face. It is almost unheard of that a person was accidentally killed in a normal relationship. However, scenes go wrong in the BDSM world can often lead to death. A greater level of trust is required knowing this danger exists.

When one submits, he or she gives all of him/herself over to another. At the same time, the dominant is accepting complete control and, thus, responsibility for the direction of that person's life. Neither should undergo this process lightly. This goes far beyond just wanting to be taken sexually. When two people merge in this way, they each are presenting all they have to the other person. This is a process that takes a great deal of time. BDSM is going through the intense effort to learn about oneself fully and entering into a relationship that satisfies the inner needs. It is determining where one fits on the power exchange scale to match what is within him or her. Once this conclusion is reached, it filters into all areas of one's life. BDSM is a life path that allows one to be what he or she truly is.

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Financial Domination

This is a subject that is certain to ruffle a few feathers. Well, to state more accurately, my writing about this subject will cause the upheaval. It is one that I am adamant about and will not withhold punches. This is one of those topics which leaves very little room for latitude. Many will accuse me of taking the 'it is my way or the highway approach'. That is fine. The truth is I witness the games played in this arena and see so many taken for a ride. Experience this a few times and you will, no doubt, reach the same end.

Financial Domination

"Property cannot own property"

I make this statement on a regular basis. To me, it is part of the fundamental core that is our lifestyle. Anyone who is opting for a TPE style relationship is entering into something that is pretty absolute. There are many who proclaim themselves to be able to live in this structure but I found that few truly can. It is not an easy path to choose.

That being said, anyone who wants to live as a 'slave' needs to fully comprehend what that means. When one is owned, he or she has nothing except for what is given by the Master/Mistress. At the same time, anything that person receives is also by right the property of the Master/Mistress. One is not able to own anything for him or herself. The term 'mine' (or my) is eliminated from this person's vocabulary.

In the end, one is dominated financially just like he or she is in every other aspect of life. My slave is my property thus I own all of her. All resources that she had in life became mine when she joined me on this journey. In my view, that is simply how things work in this aspect of the lifestyle.

Certainty

While many state they are slaves while lacking the makeup to actually live that way, I will state that it is minor as compared to those who claim to be dominant. There are so many who believe their domination is affirmed simply because they capitalize their name on a website. This is not domination nor does it qualify one to be dominant. True domination is the following of an internal desire that is coupled with knowledge and experience. It is garnered over time as one learns the internals workings of the mind. Domination is as much mental as it is anything else.

So, what does this all mean? Quite simply, if one (submissive) is expecting to live as a slave, he or she must be certain of the person one is interacting with. This seems like common sense but, remember, few really have any idea of the person they are chatting with. Most put up a good front. The reality of the online community is that the largest percentage of people are not involved in real time relationships. At best, they are engaged in online role playing; at worst, outright deception. This creates a precarious situation if one is seeking to be 'financially dominated'. Absolute certainty is crucial if you are going to take the next step.

Con Jobs

As you can guess, I feel that most are just putting con jobs on other people. At this point, I am going to pick on the 'Dommes' since they are the one who I think play the greatest con game. Also, I am going make some blanket statements about society that you may or may not agree with. However, there is still a biased that I can see which equates to some of this unenviable behavior.

What is a 'financial domme'? I see this advertised all over the place. What the hell is someone who is only willing to dominate in one area? To me the terms 'gold digger' is more accurate. Whenever I see this advert, I know that person is not real. This is one of the grandest con jobs in the BDSM community. And what is sad is that people enter into these relationships believing they will be dominated. The truth is that the Domme is only seeking to clean one out.

I feel for the male submissives. They have the hardest road in my opinion since there are basically the gold diggers and the Pro-Dommes for them to deal with. Few women are into the full fledged domination. That makes their path that much more difficult. We live in a male dominated society which holds the belief that men much be strong while women weak. Also, because of the career prospects, the earning power of a male exceeds that of a female in most instances. This leaves a male vulnerable to the games that are played in this regard.

How To Combat It All

This goes out to all, not just the male submissives. The best way to combat this is to truly know who you are dealing with. An online relationship is vastly different than real time. Anyone who experienced both knows the difference. The online world is suspect for the simple reason that anyone can create a persona online. You only have the words that are written on a screen to go by. Nothing else, in the online world, is verifiable. That is the primary reason why I continually state that anyone engaged online must implement the traditional methods of communication as soon as possible. These methods help to verify what was already stated.

Knowing the person you are dealing with not only entails verifying their address or state located. One must also be sure he or she is a dominant worthy of your submission. What I mean is that the person is capable of providing one with what he or she needs. A slave who only turns over his/her paycheck is living an unfulfilled life. Every slave that I met wants to be dominated completely. That is why a 'financial domme' is nothing more than a golddigger. This person is not providing anything to the slave. A relationship is a two-way street with each person giving and receiving. A person of this makeup is just taking.

To end this thought, I will state that trust takes time to build. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect a person in a new relationship to cede all over to the Master/Mistress immediately. It is only after the dominant proves his/her abilities that one will feel comfortable in doing so. The trust factor allows a relationship to travel deeper and deeper. Handing over a paycheck of monies received from a job is one thing. To turn over the proceeds from the sale of a house is an entirely different matter. In these instances, I think one needs to use common sense and realize what is at stake. Until you are certain, and in person, that you are dealing with someone real, I would be hesitant in my approach. And, please avoid anyone simply proclaiming to be a 'financial domme'.


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Proper Image

What is your image of yourself? If you are like most people, it is probably skewed. I recently watched a movie with Meg Ryan where she was a boxing manager who 'lost' her way. The main premise is that as she attained more success, her perception of herself changed. Of course, like most who get wrapped up with oneself, she alienated everyone around her. This is common course for people who walk this path.

The Start: Mindset

How we see ourselves plays a large part in the success we experience in this lifestyle (as it does in all aspects of life). This is one of the main reasons why I believe people need to take the time to acclimate themselves with this life. I see so many who want to rush into it without taking the necessary time to adjust to the new life. A great deal of this involves the mental conditioning to be able to serve in the role one is seeking to fill.

It all starts in the mind. So many claim their are slaves, as an example, but do they really view themselves as such. Can they picture what it is like to live under the control of another? This is something that must be accomplished mentally before it can flourish in reality. The same holds true for one who is dominant. If he or she seeks to 'own' another, then it is crucial that person mentally picture what that. Domination starts in the head, as does submission.

Many want to control through fear. This is the way of a weak person. True strength comes from taking control of another mentally, physically, and psychologically. Ultimately, it is the controlling of the mind that allows two people to explore the great depths of a BDSM relationship.

It Takes Time

The proper mindset takes time to develop. My experience is this is something that doesnt come overnight. Instead, the process occurs in stages. One starts to identify with a particular role. However, the idea doesnt fully sink in for a while. It is similar to a newlywed. One consciously knows that he or she is married the moment the vows are taken. However, there is always the 'aha' moment a few weeks/months later when one is quiet and realizes 'damn, I'm married'. That is the instance where the mindset changed.

Viewing oneself properly is crucial to success in the BDSM lifestyle. I see so many who try to fake their way through things. Self-doubt is apt to sabotage any relationship. I tell people, especially when new, that there is no use in lying about one's experience. The truth will ultimately come out because the person doesnt believe it him or herself. In effect, the individual's self image does not match what is being stated.

Viewing yourself as part of this lifestyle is key. That is something that takes a while. When we encounter this way of life, most of us are anxious to get involved. Nevertheless, we all know that knowledge must be garnered to properly reflect what we are. Knowing you are dominant or submissive is not enough. We ultimately need the outlook that reflects that mindset in all we do. Knowing what you are enables this to become a part of you. Over time, you are unable to think any other way. The 'new' you is the 'norm'. And it all starts in your head.

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Role Playing versus Living

The BDSM community is a wide spectrum. It includes people from all walks of life who have varying interests. People enter into the arena with a plethora of experiences which do not match up. In the end, it is the diversity which makes it such a wonderful life.

Role Playing

Role playing is a firm part of this lifestyle. Many engage in it as a method of enhancing their enjoyment. The most common is in the sexual arena where people liven up their 'bedroom antics' with a bit of D/s role play. Taking the part of dominant or submissive adds a layer of pleasure which many do not experience in vanilla relationships. Light bondage, spanking, and blindfolds are often part of the practices these people engage in. While many will proclaim that this is not bdsm, I feel that it is. Certainly our life is wide enough to include people who are into light play.

Another form of role playing is within the setup of an existing relationship. Many will create scenes to enhance the pleasure with a partner. Leather outfits, whips, rope, and chains can all be used to simulate a dungeon scene. This is a way that some opt to stress the difference in power. It is not unheard of for people to switch during a scene with each person being both dominant and submissive. Since they are filling roles, the reversal is rather easy for these types. It is one area where a 'lifestyler' will differ from the role players.

As mentioned, I feel that all of these desires fall under the heading of 'BDSM'. Anyone who engages in any type of power exchange utilizing the accessories that we do is participating in BDSM.

The Lifestyle

Then there are those who 'live this lifestyle'. Before going any further, I will state that this is a bit misleading to a newer person. There are few who actually live this as a true lifestyle meaning that this is their primary involvement. Some will be involved in BDSM relationships while earning their living by performing so type of BDSM act. Professionally Dommes come to mind as a group who makes their living off BDSM.

However, these people are the minority. Most of us lead lives similar to most other people. We work regular jobs earning wages to sustain our families. The problems and difficulties that people in the vanilla world face are also common amongst us. We suffer at times physically, financially, emotionally, and with family. None of us are immune to being human. We experience many of the same things that others do.

So, what is the difference. To me, it comes in the mindset. One who 'lives the BDSM lifestyle' carries the mindset of power exchange 24/7. Even if someone is not in a relationship presently, he or she knows exactly what is being sought. For example, a dominant knows that he or she is such. It is not something that is wavered upon. Ultimately, this person is acting in accordance to a deep-seeded desire. The same is true for those who are submissive. They are following a path that comes from within.

This is a sharp contrast compared to those who role play. These individuals can exit the BDSM life once they leave the scene. When their antics are over, they return to 'normal life'. The lifestyle person does not. He or she carries that mindset in every situation. A slave is still owned even if she is at work and under the concern of another 'manager'. She does not change simply because the situation does. Equality is not sought in any area of her life. The role player returns to equality. And that is the difference.

Room For All

The BDSM life is large enough for all to be a part of. While I will take exception to some on terminology (labels) used in particular situations, I will never say that anyone needs to leave the BDSM community. I understand it is a varied spectrum. Some prefer the lighter side of things while others are seeking the extreme. Personal desires are meant to be fulfilled whatever those desires are. It is not up to anyone else to determine that for an individual. If one (or a couple) wants to simply liven things up by engaging in some light BDSM, have at it. We should be glad to have these people. Variety is what makes the world go round.

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Run The Other Way

I am going concentrate on the Dominant side of a D/s relationship in this post. My reason for writing this is simple: I see so many who profess to be dominant and in search of one to control yet such failures in their lives.

A Dominant One Needs To Have Something To Offer

This is a point that is overlooked by many. A D/s relationship is a two-way street. The submissive brings a lot to the table in terms of the service offered through the submission process. In turn, the dominant one compliments the submissive by controlling and dominating his/her life.

Nevertheless, to truly be effective the dominant needs to offer stability. I found that a sub's life is full of chaos. For whatever reason, on their own, submissive types tend to do poorly. I can only presume the need for guidance is greater in these individuals. Thus, when entering a D/s relationship, there usually is some wreckage that needs cleaning up. Perhaps this is just a sign of the times and people's ability to deal with life situations. Nevertheless, individuals of this sort often need help.

Cant Give What One Doesnt Have

This is a simple concept that also seems to elude people. One cannot provide that to another what he or she does not have. Before one can fulfill a particular role in a person's life, he or she must already posses those qualities/characteristics. In short, a dominant one needs to have his/her act together.

I see so many who are total messes trying to dominate another. What makes one submit to a person who is so obviously lacking in life skills? Hopefully this post will help some to resist the temptation to submit to a person of this nature and run the other way. No good can ever come out of the a situation like this.

To be an effective Dom/Dome, one must be able to provide support for the submissive person. Support means different things to each person. But, in general, a Dom/Domme is responsible for mental, emotional, financial, and psychological support to one who submits. Is the person you are dealing with capable of offering these things to you.

Look At The Rest of His/Her Life

I am always amazed at one who claims to be dominant yet that is nowhere to be found anywhere in that person's life. Thus, to determine how well suited one is for a life of control and domination you must look at the rest of his/her life. If you do not see the domination and success exemplified in other areas of life, then there is a great chance you are dealing with a person not suited to be your Dom/Domme.

Many intend on having their sub/slave provide financial means to the relationship. While this is often a necessity in this era of dual income requirements, there are times when one cannot provide in this manner to the relationship. In those times, it is up to the dominant one to step in and provide for the relationship. An example of this was when my slave first came to me. Because of a paperwork issue, she wasnt able to work for 8 months. Over that time, she had to serve me in a different capacity. I was the one who stepped and provided for her.

The same holds true for emotional support. There are many times when submissives need the strength of the dominant one. Life situations develop that can overwhelm a person. A dominant one might need to stand in and provide emotional strength in a time of need.

Which brings me back to the original premise: is the person in question able to provide for one in this manner? If he or she shows a complete lack of ability in other areas of life, it is a sure bet that the same thing will happen in this relationship also. A person does not suddenly develop the ability to handle situations where he or she previously lacked the ability. This is common sense.

A BDSM relationship is a relationship where both parties need to contribute.

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Total Power Exchange

I often write about this topic in a round about way but today I thought I would really delve into this fundamental practice of the BDSM world.

Much of what we do in our daily lives reflects that of a traditional relationship. Life is still life regardless of what particular lifestyle one opts for. Everyday situations need to be handled and responsibilities fulfilled. Many approach BDSM with the belief that it is a way that will fix all the outer problems. This is not true.

Promote Inequality

The most basic tenet of BDSM is that we promote inequality. "All men are created equal" is a mantra for others to preach. In our way of life, people opt to be subservient to others. It is a conscious choice to serve. The ones who choose this path are not seeking to be equal. Instead, they are craving a life where one is in control and directive of all actions. They are seeking a fulfillment that is different from the average. A service mindset is at the core of who these people are.

At the same time, there are ones who crave being in control. For the true dominants, this is not something that comes from a place of weakness. Unlike the "control-freaks" we encounter in the traditional world, a true dominant understands the responsibility that accompanies accepting the submission of another. It is not something that is undertaken lightly.

Therefore, the very essence of a BDSM relationship is inequality. Both parties fulfill a particular role for the other. There is no pretense that both parties are acting in accordance with each other. The dominant is the one who is in charge of leading the relationship. It is the submissive who is fulfills the relationship by obeying the directives of the one in charge. He guides, she follows. Inequality at its finest.

Total Power Exchange

Taking this idea one step further, there is a concept in this lifestyle called "total power exchange" (the term "absolute" is often substituted for "total"). This move the power exchange to the extreme. The power breakdown under this circumstance is 100%-0%. All power lies in the hands of one. The other is meant to obey and follow. Again, this is a consensual choice that each party makes. However, both have responsibilities.

Many take exception to the idea of a total power exchange. They believe that a slave will retain some authority no matter how dedicated she is. Debates often arise in those instances where one works or has duties of tending to children. How can one be completely in the control of another when she has managerial tasks at work or is in charge of disciplining the kids?

I answer this question simply with the notion that it is his will for a slave to do these things. If it was not, she would not be doing them. Take the job as an example. My slave works outside the house. She is responsible for getting to work on time, performing the tasks set out by the company, and earning monies which are turned over to me. Her position is with my consent. This was something approved by me before she applied for the job. If I decide that she is not to work, then she would quit immediately. Of course, I must be accepting of the financial consequences of my decision.

That is an example of what it means to be under another's control. In a total power exchange, the other makes all choices for you. This is fundamental in a M/s relationship. A slave's position is to obey. The Master dictates the direction of the relationship.

Acceptance of Responsibility

One thing that few ever mention when discussing this topic is the acceptance of responsibility for all that transpires. It is easy for a dominant to blame a slave when things go wrong. This is the wrong approach. If a slave is following the directives set down upon her, then the Master is the one who takes responsibility for the outcomes. It is his decisions that her actions are based upon.

Few are up to this task. Newer people are drawn to the idea of having someone do all that he tells her to do. Usually, sexual antics are at the top of the list. Aside from this, many are not suited to take responsibility for another. In fact, they cannot take control of their own lives. This creates a quandary when one is looking to submit to another. There is nothing that is accomplished by submitting to one who is unable to run his own life. Sadly, most seem to fall into this category.

I always caution newer people to think about the responsibility side of the BDSM equation. It is not all fun and games. The online world makes it look so easy. It is not. The reality is that there are many pitfalls to a BDSM relationship. Effort, communication, and discipline are required if people are to succeed. There is a lot more to a BDSM relationship than just sex. People need to look beyond that.

In the end, is there a BDSM relationship without an exchange of power? I dont believe so. It is the one aspect that is fundamental to this way of life. Those who are seeking to maintain equality arent entering into the BDSM lifestyle. Instead, I think they are simply seeking to add some kink to their lives. This is a far cry from living a life with the exchange of power as a central theme. Total exchange of power is at our core.

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Submitting To The Right Person

This topic is going to be a bit of a challenge since it is impossible to spell out every detail that one needs to get right. Relationships are about people and the interaction of those involved. Since no two people are identical, it is safe to say that no two relationships are either. That being said, I do feel there are some basics that apply to most of the situations in this life.

Submission

We all know that submission is an extremely important part of the BDSM process. In this life, when one finds someone suitable, he or she submits the power over to that person. The power exchange is a fundamental part of this way of life. It can be said that the submission process is what starts the ball rolling. Of course, there needs to be someone there to accept this submission.

This is where many make the mistake. I am going to leave aside those who would submit to a tree. These people we see on many of the sites by simply stating they are seeking someone to give themselves to...NOW. I believe they are only seeking anyone with a heartbeat (if they arent running a scam). Instead, what I am referring to is those people who are honestly desiring to submit to someone who will fulfill their needs. Their intention is worthy but their process seems lacking.

The Ability To Accept

The right person to submit to is one who has the ability to accept your submission. This might seem like common sense but it is a part of the process that many get wrong. Stick around this life and you will see how often common sense is removed from the picture.

I come across so many who are clear in their thinking and desires yet try to impose that on another person. This most commonly occurs when one person within a relationship finds this way of life and then wants his/her partner to join in. I cannot tell you how many submissives I encountered who want their husbands (wife in one instance) to be their Doms or Masters. My response is always the same: if he wanted to do that he would have done that a while ago. Believe it or not, there are a lot of men who prefer to have an equally based marriage in terms of power. Some simply like having a "life partner" and aren't interested in a sub or slave.

Therefore, it is important to ensure that the person you are dealing with is capable of providing what you are seeking. Too often people try to protect their wants onto another person. This creates frustration in those instances where the other person is incapable of fulfilling those tasks. Some are not cut out to be 24/7 Masters. They lack the desire, background, and yen for the responsibility.

We also see a similar situation arise when one is seeking a Master but is dealing with someone who simply wants to do some domination. I was chatting with someone who mentioned to me that she could not be a part time submissive. That is a statement I tend to agree with. I am not sure anyone can. This is magnified if one has the inclination to live as a slave. I believe there is no such thing as a part time slave. One either is or is not.

Now, what happens to our submissive if he or she is dealing with someone who only wants to "play" around with domination. There are many who feel this is nothing more than a role-playing aspect to their life. When this occurs, we have a major disconnect between the two people. Ultimately, in my experience, things do not work out in the long run.

The Right Person

Submitting to the right person entails more than just finding someone that you like. There are many facets to this life that one needs to explore. Just because two people are on a site and enjoy BDSM does not mean that their kinks will line up. At the same time, the degree to which parties enter into the power exchange agreement could vary drastically. One who is seeking 24/7 will be unhappy with a play partner (in the long run). The same is true for those who seek something light and run across a full blown Master/Mistress. This person is too extreme for the play seeker.

Consider this idea when you are interacting with another. Does the person you are seeking to fulfill your BDSM desires have what it takes. Control and domination is not something that comes easy to many people. Society conditions us to believe and act according to equality. This mindset goes counteractive to what it takes to dominate. The conditioning can be so deep that many never get past it. This is the wrong person to be dealing with if you want to live as a slave. Unhappiness is the only result. Be mindful of this concept in all that you do.

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Old Time Protocol

Things certainly changed over the years. The BDSM community once was an underground network of people who lived in secrecy. There was a time when the only "advertisement" this lifestyle received was an announcement of a munch in the local rag. People did not openly discuss power exchange relationships. The D/s and, certainly M/s, relationships were foreign to 99.9% of the population. Of course, the Internet changed this a great deal.

Protocol

There was a time when protocol amongst the members of the lifestyle meant something. Newer people were introduced to this way of life with a respect that was taught to them by others. People were human and interaction was friendly but that was not a sign of lackluster attitudes. Dominants were shown the proper respect by their position since it was known that all who were there (for the most part) earned it.

At the same time, people were also respective of the submissive types. Trolling was unheard of since everyone was expected to adhere to the policy of "not infringing on another person's turf". This was a commonsense practice that worked ideally for many years.

Again, we saw the Internet change this scenario. To start, many of the Dominants online are not worthy of any respect. They are pretenders to the nth degree. Their desire is to use and abuse in a way that is harmful. The part of the life where a submissive is taught to grow and expand is overlooked by these individuals. Instead, they are only interested in cheap sex or someone to pay their way. BDSM is a sex and money pit and that is it.

The respect that came with the old time protocol also disappeared. I will admit that I am guilty of slagging some people off online. However, I do this with reasonable assurance that they were not what they proclaimed to be. One only needs to spend a few months on a BDSM site to learn some of the tricks people use. Once you have them down, you notice them repeated over and over. Nevertheless, in general people do not show others in the life the same respect that once existed.

Society At Large

Many of the factors that I am mentioning are also prevalent among society at large. Respect is something that is disappearing with each new generation. Watch how people behave in your local supermarket. There was a time when people were considerate of others around them. People would often let someone with only a few items cut ahead of them to save that person time. No more. Now, you stand behind the person with two full baskets even if you only have 6 items. Common consideration is dead.

At the same time, people are losing interpersonal skills. Again, in the "olden " days, people had to talk to each other. Other than the telephone, communication was face-to-face. Meeting of people actually involved being in the same zip code as them. Munches were the primary vehicle where people within this lifestyle met each other. If you were new to a community, you tried to find a local munch to attend.

Again, we point to the Interact to notice a change. Today we "meet" people from all over the world without leaving our seat. Our interactions are virtual now. We get emotionally attached to characters on a screen. The connection carries a lot less meaning to many people.

At the same time, the idea of being respectful to others online is all but dead. The BDSM sites are full of people who would never dream of showing up at a munch. They utilize the anonymity of the Internet to involve themselves in a place where they otherwise would be too fearful. In addition, these same people also exhibit a great deal of cybercourage. There Internet muscles are strong. However, put these people in front of a real Dom and many of them would cower like little girls. They are disrespectful because it is so easy to do it.

In the end, our culture is changing. Is it good or bad? Who knows. The bottom line is that it is and we need to get use to it. There is no point in being a sourpuss while reflecting upon the good ole days. The world changes and BDSM is not exempt from that practice. Learning new skills are important to advance as society does. While there are drawbacks, technology and new eras open up a lot of opportunities. Be mindful of this the next time you want to put your first through your computer screen at some troller. They make the real people stand out that much more.

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Inequality

The foundation of any BDSM relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike traditional interactions, a D/s or M/s relationship is built upon the premise that power is unequally divided. This is done willingly with one person ceding power and the other accepting it. Of course, with each comes responsibility.

The Traditional Model

To state that inequality in relationships is exclusive to BDSM is misleading. Most relationships have some type of inequality built into them. This is true even for those which are supposedly 50/50 breakdown. Depending upon the situation, certain factors come into play which make equality impossible.

The first situation is one where one person is in the position of authority. A common relationship that most of us are familiar with is the employer-employee. Anyone who worked for another knows the power this person wields over you. He or she has your financial future in your hands. Obviously, anyone who has this much control is in the driver's seat. Inequality is experienced each time you are called into his or her office. While in that position, your work future is dependent upon the choices of another. Their authority over you is obvious.

Another situation is where authority isnt present but power is. This could occur because of the forcefulness or timidness of the person's involved. Have you ever seen a friendship where one person is always making the decisions. The second person is the one who always follows along while agreeing to whatever the "powerful" one dictates. Here there is an inequality based upon the personalities involved.

We can see this same thing occur within intimate relationships. Some will exercise power over the other based upon his/her personality. Many get into situations where they cannot make a decision without the permission of the other. In a subtle way (although not always subtle), the inequality of the relationship is exemplified with each request for permission.

BDSM Relationships

BDSM relationships differ in the fact that there is no pretending of equality. As you can see, equality as a methodology is not very common. Most relationships have a power breakdown that leans one way or another. Instead of 50/50, there is a 60/40 or 70/30 type of interaction. One person naturally exerts more influence over the other person.

While not pretending to strive for equality, we also recognize that the power structure in a BDSM relationship is absolute. This is especially true in the M/s world. All power lies in the hands of the Master or Mistress. Here is a situation where each party agrees a unequal balance of power. The breakdown in these circumstances is 100/0. The inequality is complete.

Why The Shock

Some are shocked to learn that people willingly submit to relationships where they have no power. I see this all the time, especially from those who were cultured to think that equality is a worthy goal to strive for. We live in a world which promotes racial and gender equality on many levels. However, these same people fail to realize that most relationships are absolute and we willing cede power over. If you doubt this, tell me the power breakdown when you are sitting in your car after being pulled over by a police officer. Most find they have little power in those circumstances. Pass over the license and registration and shut your mouth is the obvious course of action.

Thus, do not be shocked that people choose this type of relationship. As I mentioned, the major difference is in degree and the fact that we do not pretend to live for equality. It is my belief that people who seek this are not in tune with reality. There is nothing in nature that offers up the idea of equality. Why do humans seek this when we see the inequality in every relationship we have? BDSM just eliminates this foolish notion and allows us to work on our relationships within the parameters established based upon unequal control. To me, this is a bit more honest.

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24/7 TPE Slave

Is this really possible? Can someone actually live in servitude and bondage (figuratively) 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Yes, I do believe this is possible. However, it takes a special person to make this successful. The circumstances must also be ideal.

Financial Security

Considering the plight of the world the last couple of years, this is something that is becoming rarer with each passing day. It appears the majority of society in most developed countries are suffering financial woes of some kind. There is terrible uncertainty. Businesses are closing; employment is precarious; people are losing their homes. This is the reality that we are confronted with.

Why do I bring this point up? To start, I feel for one to have that round-the-clock lifestyle, one must find a Master in a financial position to support the both of them. This offers the freedom of complete service to that one person. A slave could then spend his or her day doing whatever the Master so chose. To me, this is true 24/7.

However, as mentioned, few of us fit into that category. Where does this leave us? We all know that employment is often required by a slave to assist in making ends meet. Thus, she is performing service to his or her Master since it is that person's benefit that is at stake. However, I don't feel this is complete 24/7 since a slave is under someone else's control.

Many seem to miss this fact of reality. I see this all the time with the online people. They make blanket statements about complete control and domination. That is achievable if you are in a position to financially maintain the relationship. However, if you expect him or her to work, that person's employer is in control. It is naive to think that you will be able to assert your influence while he or she is working. During those hours, you own nothing in effect. Someone else is calling the shots. Again, this is just reality.

What Is Ownership

Does this mean only the financially well-off are able to achieve a 24/7 M/s relationship? The answer is "no". It is possible for any of us to live this way if we so choose. It only requires some understanding of what it means to "own".

To illustrate this point, I will use marriage as an example. When a couple is married, are they married only when they are together with each other? Of course not. Even when they are separated, people are still united in matrimony. In addition, even in those situations where they choose to live an open lifestyle, they are still in wedlock while with others. The marriage doesn't cease simply because of physical or sexual separation.

Another example, is your automobile. Is this something that you still own even when you loan it to a friend. Again, the answer is "yes". The title does not change simply because someone borrowed it from you. You are still responsible for having it insured and, depending on what happens, could be liable for damages. However, even though you own it, you are not in control when someone else is using it. He or she is calling the shots.

Owning a slave is the same. One's ownership does not end simply because that person goes to work. When my slave sets foot into her place of business, I am still her owner. However, during her work hours, I have no say whatsoever about what she does. The control exerted over her belongs to the person who manages her. It is not me. Nevertheless, she is just as owned as when she is at home performing tasks for me.

The Beneficiary

In the end, I am the one who benefits. It was my choice to send her to work and the option of having her quit remains with me. Of course, as a responsible Master, if I select this route, I need to accept the consequences. Too often people want to blame another for a choice he or she made. Being a Master entails assuming personal responsibility for what happens.

There is a saying in the BDSM community that property cannot own property. What this means is that true slave cannot own anything. This is the line that separates those who honestly live this lifestyle as opposed to a deeper form of role play. A true slave will have nothing of his or her own. Everything that person has is granted by the Master with the understanding it can be taken at anytime.

Getting back to the work environment, wages are paid in return for the efforts made. In this, I am the beneficiary of my slave's work. All wages paid, even though they come in her name, belong to me. She is working to offer financial support which makes my life easier. And, ultimately, that is what a slave is suppose to do.

Few Truly Can Do It

Of late, I come across many articles spelling out the dangers of entering this lifestyle with the fairytale, romantic ideas in one's mind. Too many seem to buy into the nirvana of M/s that is espoused online. The reality of this lifestyle is far more difficult. I see so many who state they are slaves yet fail to meet the standard when viewed through the extreme nature of this lifestyle.

Are you willing to give up everything you have? Do you like the idea of having nothing except what your Master gives you? Many will say yes until they realize how big a concept this is. What if your Master told you to throw out that high school yearbook? Or the family album with all your picture? How would you like him or her to take all your physical assets? What if he or she told you that custody of your children needed to go to the ex? Could you handle all these? My belief is that most cannot.

Now, I am not claiming that all Masters will go to these lengths. I am simply mentioning what is possible. For example, I personally never get/got involved with the children of anyone I owned. I believe they are not my area of responsibility. That area of a slave's life is off limits to me by choice. Those children have a father and it is not me. This is how I handle things. However, not all will take that approach.

Of course, I feel obligated to mention, since common sense seems to be in low supply, one must know who he or she is dealing with before moving to this stage. Many will claim that they have no problem being a slave and giving it all over. After chatting with a guy (or girl) for a couple of weeks, it is not a good idea to liquidate your 401K. Use some sense when approaching this life.

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

This will create some controversy, but M/s entails a total exchange of power. Everything I wrote about thus far today exhibits this point. All assets, decisions, and property is with the Master. A slave has nothing other than what is decided for him or her. Again, few seem capable of going to this length.

Does that mean everyone does? Certainly not. There are many who use variations on this idea with great success. People are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. For some reason, new people seem to feel that not achieving a full fledged M/s relationship means they are failures. It appears that people believe in a hierarchy with M/s ranking higher than D/s. This is not so. One is not better than the other, they are simply different. D/s allows a sub more say in what transpires in her life. The exchange of power is limited.

Those who live a 24/7 M/s relationship choose to engage in that total power exchange. They feel that surrendering completely is the path for them. It is crucial that one is aware of all that can transpire by making this choice. There are times when it is a difficult road to travel for both parties. However, for those designed for this particular way of life, there is no place that feels more natural.

So, if you are questioning the validity of living as a 24/7 slave, take comfort in knowing that it is possible. There are many who are doing this as we speak. However, finding the right situation might take some time. Be patient on your search. The right person will show up at the appropriate time.

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Being True To Your One

Many talk about living in this lifestyle and being obedient to their Doms/Masters. Sadly, for many, this is all talk. It seems, judging by the chat on different sites, that reality is something completely different. This idea is in keeping with my other observation that few are truly cut out to be in this way of life.

M/s is an extreme part of the BDSM world. It is not suited for everyone. Unfortunately, many seem to think they are ideal for this since there is the desire to "submit" to another. This is a fallacy. M/s requires a submission that is beyond the comprehension of most people.

To be successful in this way of life, one must be true to her(his) Master(Mistress). This means the submissive individual is willing to completely ignore his/her desires for the sake of the one that was submitted to. Again, many will claim this but encounter difficulty when faced with it in real time. Reality rarely reflects the online fantasy.

The online world has a way of glorifying the BDSM lifestyle. Based upon the images conveyed, many believe that BDSM is nothing more than a 24/7 sexfest with complete service to one's Master. There is the belief that life suddenly will be fulfilled with one as the total focus of Master. Again, this is a scene played out daily online. However, reality plays a different tune.

For starters, few are in a financial position to dedicate exclusive focus upon a slave. People need to earn a living and that requires a grand amount of our time. Plus, it usually is the slave who is responsible for complete focus on the Master, not the other way around. He is the one who owns her. It was she who submitted to him.

Being true to your one means maintaining that focus without exception. What is it that a slave wants? Ideally, she will want her Master to be happy. Anything that enhances his happiness is what she should desire. Of course, there are times when this might go against her personal wishes. Masters can be temperamental beings. We desire many different things and chose a life where we can fulfill those wishes. A slave who thinks it is her place to deny that to him is mistaken in her role. She exists in the relationship to enhance, not take away from.

An example is when a Master wants to take another on. This could be either temporary or permanent (relax few things in life are permanent). The bottom line is that he has an interest in being/playing with another. That is his choice as a Master. A slave's place is to be supportive of his decisions regardless of what that means to her. Naturally, it most often reduces the focus on her with the other person garnering it. This is a difficult proposition to handle.

A slave who is true to her Master understands the parameters of the lifestyle and what "total power exchange" means. She is not in control. In the aforementioned example, I have seen many who want to dictate the terms of his choice. Again, this shows how one is not really into giving complete control away. She is trying to manipulate the situation to please her. This is not being supportive in my opinion.

All terms and parameters are established by the Master. That is the nature of the M/s lifestyle. Of course, this is a rather rigid way to live. That is why it is at the extreme end of the BDSM scale. Many are better suited for the D/s way of life. This allows them the freedom associated with submitting while maintaining control in those areas that he or she wishes. Being true to your one means being able to following all mandates regardless of your personal desires. From my observations online, this is something only a select few can ever hope to accomplish.

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Contrarian View

A contrarian view is one that goes against what is commonly thought as to the truth. We see this cited most often in the field of investing. Contrarians are those who invest from a viewpoint that goes against the common belief of which way the market is moving. Many times they are the big winners because they divorce themselves from the blind euphoria that many get caught in.

The BDSM world has many of the same viewpoints. Society tells us what is "normal" and what we must do to be happy. It lays out a path for us which is destined to bring about a life beyond our dreams (so we are told). However, many of us find that the facts that were presented to us were incorrect. After following their dogmas and tenets, we find ourselves alone, divorced, depressed, and broke in all facets of the word. The path that we were sold on turned into a lemon.

BDSM offers us another way of life. Even though it has moved from the deep underground because of the Internet, it is still considered an "alternative lifestyle". We are still different from the norm. Therefore, society, and it members, have a way of using terminology and insults to categorize us. This is done in an effort to degrade and demean. Their barbs are hurled as if they were factual.

The most basic tenet of this lifestyle is the exchange of power. For a BDSM relationship to be successful, there needs to be a person who is submissive. This is one of the ideas which goes against mainstream society. To it, submissiveness is a sign of weakness. This is where the contrarian view enters. One who is submissive is not weak but, rather, following an internal calling that is ingrained with him or her. To me, this is strength over weakness. People who are willing to look at themselves and follow their natural desires are stronger than the average person. Most fail to do this.

Many alternative philosophies warn about having the "herd mentality". Those who blindly follow what they are told are those who end up slaves. BDSM is all about freedom. Even though bondage is a central technique we employ, we value freedom above all else. A slave is freer than the norm because of the simple fact that he or she decided to follow his or her own path. In my opinion, those who are blindly following the dogma that was established for them is weakness. These are the true slaves.

BDSM is a complicated and diverse lifestyle. There are many layers which are to be explored. The limits exist only in your mind. This is a path that allows you to go as far as you would like. Of course, it does not appear to be such at first glance. Trust me when I tell you that what appears on the surface is not necessarily so. Further research will be required. There are many areas where a contrarian view of the facts is more accurate.

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The Extreme

Like everything else in life, the BDSM community is a variation of degrees. There is what is considered "light bondage" which is at the less severe end of the spectrum. Going to the opposite extreme, we find hardcore M/s relationships where nothing is off limits. And, of course, there are variations in between. The question is, where do you fit?

Many seem to picture the extreme in their mind. This is due to the fact that this side of the lifestyle is promoted through imagery online. Websites like to go for the "shock value" when promoting their goods and services. Nevertheless, there is some basis in reality for what they promote.

The Master/slave relationship is considered one of the more extreme aspects of this way of life. At the core of this interaction is the complete exchange of power. Those who choose to engage in this particular flavor need to be aware of the limitations (or lack thereof). Many claim to be slave material yet fail miserably when asked to do something. This is why it is important to know where you fit.

I wrote on a number of occasions how I believe only a few are truly cut out to be slaves. A cruise around different chat rooms quickly reveals the fantasy many are engaging in. While they claim that living real time M/s is their dream, they fail to realize what that entails. If one is open to dwelling in the extreme, one better be prepared for what that is like. Sadly, few do.

A true M/s relationship means that the Master (or Mistress) is to be obeyed at all times. There is no limit to what one is willing to do. There is debate within the lifestyle of whether there is such a thing as hard limits or not. For practicality sake, I am going to omit this argument and presume there are some hard limits. However, they exist, in my mind, only as to the psychological damage they can cause. In the end, physical pain and lack of interest do not qualify as a hard limits.

Are you willing to do whatever you are told? Again, this is the foundation of M/s. Will you obey the directives of the one you submit to without question? Are you willing to suffer the consequences as a result of being disobedient? Can you be trusted to respect the tenets of this relationship while living under his or her domain?

Here are some of the actual directions I have heard given to a slave over the years:

-having sex with animals
-piecing oneself
-being branded
-sexually satisfying a homeless guy(s)
-being ignored for weeks on end
-eating shit/drinking piss
-engaging in suspension
-not cumming for over a year
-sleeping in a cage or on the floor
-living like a dog (or pony)
-having to give up your career/job
-all possessions given up including children
-exposing yourself on demand regardless of where and whom is around
-being passed around sexually for the pleasure of others
-watching your Master or Mistress with others
-Being humiliated in public
-Getting embarrassing tattoos
-Engaging in homosexual sex acts when you are straight
-physical pain include cbt, titty torture, whippings, and paddlings
-Partaking in electrical, needle, and medical play

All these activities were actually directed at a slave. Could you fulfill these if asked? Are you sitting there stating "No, I would never do that"? If so, you might want to look at the choices you make. The M/s lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It is considered extreme for a reason.

The comeback I often hear is that "I will not get with someone who is into those things". My reply is simply "that is not your choice". A Master (Mistress) is in complete control. Whatever he or she desires is your course of action. Over time, that person can evolve and develop whatever interests he or she chooses. Are you ready to accept what they are? I surmise that most "online slaves" are ill-prepared for this reality.

BDSM is not a romantic fairy-tale. It is the lifestyle answer for many of us. However, people will get into trouble when they try to make it into something it is not. The story of Cinderella was already written. BDSM relationships might have the romantic component. Then again, they might not. It is up to the Master (Mistress) to decide.


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TPE=Total Commitment

At the core of the BDSM relationship is the exchange of power. This is where BDSM differs from traditional relationship. In BDSM, there is one party who is dominant while the other is submissive. Equality is something that is non-existent. The only differing factor is how much power is exchanged.

In my book, An Owned Life, I explain the differences between a sub, slave, and switch. Each of these categories involved the exchanging of power. Nevertheless, the major factor between a sub and a slave is that the later completely gives up control in all areas. The exchange of power is total. A sub, on the other hand, is one who retains power over certain pre-determined areas. Also, the submission is also usually good for only a finite period of time. Once that event (scene) is over, so is the submission.

For one who wants to go to the degree of slave, one must be prepared to be fully committed to that idea. I see many who claim to be slaves when in fact they are unwilling to "give it all up". Their actions differ from their words.

I came across one blog where the blogger professed to be a slave. In reading her posts, I was amazed how controlling she was. She often wrote about how she was the instigator of things in her relationship. One post mentioned how she "attacked" her Master sexually when he came through the door. This is not something that a slave does. This shows that she retained the power over deciding when sex would occur. Not a slave's place. Again, we need to remember the extreme nature of a total power exchange. None is retained.

Words also have an impact on the mindset of someone proclaiming to be a slave. Often, I will hear words used which show that he or she still believes they have some power. The position of slave is not firmly rooted in his or her mind.

For example, a slave cannot own property. It is a well known fact that property cannot own property. I mean, can you see your car owning a bicycle? It does not fit. The same is true for a slave. He or she commits to a life where the role of property is undertaken. That is what is meant by "being owned". Well, if one is owned, how can that person own anything? He or she cannot. Yet I often hear people refer to "my ________". There is no "my" in a TPE relationship. Everything is the property of Master.

Does this sound like too much for you? For many it is. There is nothing that says one needs to become a slave (or a Master) to enjoy the merits of BDSM. We have many different types of relationships within this arena. However, for those who claim to want to be involved in TPE, it is best to know the decision being made. TPE is a total commitment to that person and to the lifestyle. It should not be taken lightly.


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Fearing a Master

Fear is a powerful weapon. A study of history shows that many people and institutions use fear as a form of control. Many believe this is what religion does to ensure the obedience of it's followers. What better way to manipulate behavior then to threaten eternal damnation. At the same time, Stalin and other leaders use the threat of beatings or death to maintain control over entire countries. When the fear is great enough, people will do just about anything they are told.

Fear is something that is within each person. We all experience on a regular basis. There is not a single person walking the planet who doesn't feel this emotion. Those who claim to have no fear are usually the ones who are scared the most. They allow their ego to hide what is really inside of them.

In the BDSM world, many believe that fear is a tactic which should be employed with a sub/slave. This is incorrect in my estimation. Any relationship that is based upon fear will end.

This concept gets increased the further along one proceeds in the BDSM way of life. Those who are involved in M/s know how easy it is to turn one's submission into a fear-based existence. Some think that it is their place to instill fear in the one submitting. This shows a lack of character and control on the part of the Dom/Master. A sub/slave need not be afraid for her to be effective.

I wrote about this subject in my book An Owned Life. Those who use fear as a method of control show their inability to properly maintain a relationship. The problem with fear is that it requires some type of physical presence to be most effective. When the person who is feared leaves, the fear will diminish. This creates the situation where one is always looking for a means of escape. While I will grant this could take a long time, eventually it will happen. We see this in the traditional world where abuse occurs. At some point, the person will find a way out.

In addition, a fear-based relationship is not very healthy. In BDSM, there are certain things for a sub/slave to fear. Punishments for inappropriate action is an example. However, often the anticipation is worse than the activity. Also, a punishment is undertaken not to scare but, rather, to alter future behavior. It is no different then disciplining a child. You want the child to fear the punishment, not the parent.

BDSM is a wonderful way of life for those who take the time to learn what it is all about. The need to fulfill an inner desire is within all of us. Speaking from a Dom/Master perspective, the thrist for control is not met by instilling fear in another. To me, this is being a bully. A much better approach is the power which is derived from her complete and total submission. This is a power that is more enduring then fear. It is derived from her desire to serve as opposed from her fear of being hurt.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are tempting to try to intimidate another. It will often backfire on you.

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The Foundation Of BDSM

The power breakdown is what separates a BDSM relationship from a traditional one. This is something that would be common sense to most. However, in reading different blogs online, I find it something that is lacking. So, I will do my best to explain it in clear terms.

A basic fundamental of BDSM is the exchange of power. In simple terms, a sub gives his/her power over to a Dom/Domme. Naturally, this exchange will differ based upon the parameters of the relationship. Nevertheless, the exchange of power is complete pertaining to those areas which are in question.

For example, the typical D/s relationship will see the Dom (Domme) in total control during the scene. While there might be some areas that were agreed upon to be off limits, the power totally lies in the hands of the D. He or she is responsible for the direction of the scene.

If we go a bit further into BDSM and explore the M/s relationship, this is where the total power exchange is really evident. Under these circumstances, a slave cedes all control over to the Master. Again, there might be areas which are fundamentally off limits such as career or children (if not the Masters). Nevertheless, the life of the slave is in the hands of the Master.

I believe that many understand this point in concept. Yet few seem to practice this in reality. In my reading of words written by slave's, I often find myself wondering whether they are the slave or the Master. While claiming to be a slave, there seems to be a lot of "take charge" on her (in this instance) part. To me, this is completely backwards.

I once read how a slave "pulled her Master up" to engage in sex. This really struck me as off base. A slave who is horny is only serviced if it is the will of her Master. It is not a slave's choice when and where sex is to occur. Her desires are secondary to his. That is the basis of service. If one is constantly looking out for her wishes, then her Master's desires are taking a back seat. This is not M/s.

Many will claim that it is up to individual's to establish their relationships as they wish. I totally agree. In fact, that is something that I wrote about quite often on this blog. One of the most attractive aspects of BDSM is the freedom to create a relationship however you see fit. What people do is their business.

What gets my ire is when people misinform people through their writing. If one chooses to structure a relationship in a particular way, that is their business. Nevertheless, do not pass it off as M/s. M/s involves a total exchange of power. When one pushes her desires on her Master through manipulation, that is something different. Many times, this is acceptable to the Master. Again, it works in their relationship yet is not M/s.

The main reason why I started this blog is to clear up a lot of misconceptions that are out there. Sadly, people will rarely admit what they are. A slave is a slave only is he or she takes that part. Many say they are slaves when, in fact, they are subs. They want to maintain some control over different aspects of their relationship. Complete control is given in certain circumstances yet is taken back at others.

The bottom line is to watch the words that people use. In true M/s, the Master is the instigator of all action. When I see a "slave" writing about his or her desires that were thrust upon the Master, I begin to question. To me, this lacks the completeness.

Remember, just because I say I am an astronaut does not make it reality.

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Erotic Humiliation-Face Slapping

There is something about slapping someone in the face that is considered one of the ultimate acts of degradation in our society. We see this activity in movies all the time, usually when a man approaches a woman inappropriately. This is typically followed by a drink being thrown in his face. Nevertheless, that is Hollywood and might not accurately reflect society in general.

However, there is something about being slapped in the face which we find demeaning. I do not profess to understand why this is, yet going on this assumption led to wonderful results in my BDSM interaction. It is an action which can be used to heighten the mood of a scene.

Before going any further, I must mention the all important safety tip. When we mention slap, we are referring to the act of striking someone with an open hand. This is not a close fisted punch. The idea is to provide a bit of a sting without hurting the other person. I write this because many seem to lack commonsense.

There are many subs who will have their experience heightened when you add face slapping to your routine. As mentioned, there is something that is wonderful humiliating about being slapped in the face. This is even more powerful when you do it to one who is bound. The idea of being totally defenseless while being slapped provides intense pleasure for many.

What is the pleasure in this? Everything involved within BDSM has to do with feelings. It is the feelings behind any activity which O/one is after. This is true whether one is a Dom or sub. Sexual activity is done because of the way it feels. Everything has to do with the feelings associated with an act.

Subs want to experience the feeling of being controlled. Erotic humiliation is something that further enhances this concept. When One has the capability to degrade another, it shows the hierarchy of power. Slapping someone in the face at His or Her will exemplifies the position of control. Try to implement this the next time you want to increase the intensity of your BDSM scene.

What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.

BDSM: Flogging

Flogging is a way for both the top and bottom to receive pleasure. Many like the "pain" that goes along with this. However, it is usually the endorphin rush that is sought after. The bottom can get a "high" in certain situations.

Flogging is about power for the Dom/Master. The sense of pleasure that comes from this power is stimulating. Also, many of us like to give a sub/slave pleasure if she is one who enjoys the sensations from flogging. For both, there is erotic stimulation.

The technique of flogging is simple but not easy. A good flogger will provide a nice snap on the intended target. Nevertheless, it is important to approach this technique with safety. A great deal of damage can be done to one if care is overlooked.

To start, never strike a person with a flogger (or anything else) in an area that could be damaged. This includes, but is not limited to, face, neck, joints, or areas where there arteries. Permanent damage can be inflicted. Also, for the back, always go across it taking care to avoid hitting the spine. The small of the back is another place to stay away from. In general, it is best to always strike an area of the body where there is some "meat".

Personally, my favorite area to flog is the ass. It is safe thus removing the possibility for injury. That area also allows for some leeway with the strikes. It is best to give yourself a margin of error.

Flogging takes a bit of talent. I suggest practicing on an inanimate object such as a pillow or a pole to get accustomed to the action of the flogger. When using any whipping tool, wrap-around is always a concern. Practice will give you a feel for the length and power of the strokes. Also, learning how to adjust the amount of impact is crucial. It will allow for the sensations to be heightened by alternating the force.

As for the flogger itself, there are hundreds of types on the market. I will not go into them here. What I will suggest is to avoid the cheap ones that are available at gag stores. A good flogger will have a solid handle with strong tails. Leather is a good material for this. Of course, your price range will be a deciding factor but investing in a good flogger is necessary. It is one of the basics of the BDSM world.

Poly Master

Many encounter the poly aspect of the BDSM only to find their surprise at the emotions which arise. As we wrote in other posts, jealousy is something that is best checked at the door. It matters little whether we are referring to a scene or to a long term relationship, the impact is still the same. Jealousy will destroy one if not both relationships.

There are a fair number of Doms/Masters who are involved with numerous people. This is a fact of the lifestyle that one needs to accept if she is to be happy. Failure to do so will result in her misery. When people first hear “poly” they immediately go to the sexual aspect. This is certainly a factor where this emotion needs to be dealt with. However, many encounter issues at greater depths. It is these issues which also crop up to hinder a relationship.

When One is involved with more than one person, His time is split as He sees fit. There is certainly the concept that He will be sexually involved with others. This is one of the areas where things are different than the non-poly situation. He also will divide His time among each in a way that best suits Him. How He decides to do this is not for a sub/slave to determine. Many fail to grasp the full meaning of this concept. If He chooses to have you sit at home while waiting for Him alone, then that is how it is to be.

The natural tendency is for one to want more. Unfortunately, it is not her place to insist upon this. Many will try to “Dom from the bottom” by acting like a spoiled brat. This will also have negative results with most Doms/Masters. They simply will not stand for it. If one cannot accept the terms of the lifestyle, it is best if she seek out something else. Perhaps a traditional model is a better fit for you.

Many will try to alleviate this entire situation by getting with One who is not poly. That might work in the short term. However, He always has the right to take on more in the future if He so chooses. Again, this is a reality of the lifestyle. Many cannot handle this type of situation. The jealousy bug is something that is too great to overcome. Sadly, I saw many who had to depart this way of life because of this single issue.

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