September 30, 2014

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The Meaning of Life


What is the meaning of life?

Many have wrestled with this question when, in fact, it is a rather easy answer.

The meaning of life is to grow as an individual and to contribute to the lives of others.

That is it.


Now it is up to each of us to find out how to accomplish this.  I believe that BDSM offers the perfect avenue to achieve both these ends.  To start, as all my regular readers know, I am a big proponent of growth within a BDSM relationship.  For it to succeed, there must be growth by each individual and the relationship as an entity.  If not, failure will most likely ensure.  Also, BDSM is the ideal vehicle to give (contribute) to another(s).  Personally, writing this blog is one of the ways to do it.  We also see within the context of the BDSM relationship the ability to serve.  Yes, this applies equally for the Masters as it does for the slave.  Both individuals have a responsibility to serve the other.  This is what leads to fulfillment. 

DN

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September 29, 2014

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Commitment To This Way Of Life


I wrote about this subject before yet it requires some revisiting for the newer readers.  This is one of the most important aspects of the BDSM world and one that is crucial for an individual to enjoy long-term success.   Too many overlook this basic concept without realizing how fatal it is.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the 3 step submission process.  This is something that I identified as a way to avoid putting the proverbial cart before the horse.  The first step in this process is to commit to this way of life.  Too many want to get involved before making a decision.  This is incorrect.  Your decision to become a part of and live the BDSM way of life is determined by what is within you.  It is your core that reveals whether you belong here or elsewhere.  Those who have strong characteristics deep within themselves of either domination or submission will not find fulfillment anywhere else.  Obviously, this is a path many of us took before finding BDSM which only led to failure, unhappiness, and a lack of fulfillment.

The problem I see is too many want to treat BDSM as if they are looking for a car or trying on a new dress.  There seems to be a portion of people who approach BDSM with the idea it is something to try out before moving forward.  Certainly, few are truly certain this is for them upon finding the lifestyle.  However, as you can guess, the level of success one has is usually in proportion to the commitment level to start.  Those who treat BDSM as a passing fancy are quick to leave when things get difficult.

Over the years I spoke with many who encountered this crossroad.  The truth is there will be times when being committed to BDSM is rather difficult.  We all know the games that are played by so many, especially online.  This has the tendency to wear on even the strongest amongst us.  Nevertheless, only the committed are willing to pick up the pieces and try again.  Success is usually a result of perseverance.  Also, a BDSM relationship is still a relationship and the fact that one is experiencing failure in this area might be an indication of something deeper going on.  Hence, instead of "leaving" this way of life, it might be prudent to look within and see what is really going on.  Perhaps some personal work is required for a specific time period before re-entering the fray.  Hence, we find the best option is usually to step back and take some time away from the BDSM pursuit.  Usually people encounter the crossroads after the breakup of a BDSM relationship.  Most therapist will state that, after the ending of a relationship, it is best to heal before entering another one.  Many fail to do this.

The bottom line is that people seem to expect things to magically work out or they are moving on.  BDSM is not this way.  As mentioned, we deal with relationships which take time, effort, and commitment.  There are no shortcuts in this area.  Also, being true to ourselves often means facing things we would rather not look at.  Oftentimes the problem is not "them" but us.  This is a difficult pill to swallow.  Remember, when one person says it, it is an opinion.  However, when multiple people draw the same conclusion, it becomes consensus.  Sometimes personal evaluation is required.

Another aspect that arises which is worthy of mentioning is that we look at the world through our own eyes.  What this means is that everything is our perspective.  The problem with this idea is that we are not necessarily correct even though we might think so.  One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.  It is our perspective yet we place immense value in it.  The truth is how we view ourselves is most often different from how others view us.  We tend to project our fears, insecurities, and negative aspects while minimizing the good things within us.  Others have the ability, often, to see past that and get a much clearer image of what we truly are.  I do not know the number of good slaves I encountered over the years who failed to see their worth.  In short, their fears and low esteem destroyed them.

So what happens when one encounters a situation where he or she is questioning what this way of life is all about and where he/she fits in?  The answer simply goes back to the aforementioned commitment level.  Those who realize that BDSM is the way of life for them will ultimately move forward.  This might require stepping back for a time but the individual knows his or her place.  Being true to one's core is vitally important.  However, the individual who lacks this commitment is going to believe the answer lies elsewhere.  In this instance, we see the individual leave the lifestyle believing some other avenue provides us the proper path.  Of course, this usually means vanilla.  Personal experience led me down this same route and created the biggest train wreck of my life.  In other words, my commitment level was not where it needed to be while I operated under a false belief (that I could find fulfillment in a vanilla relationship).

Therefore, before you go any further, I suggest you check your commitment level as it pertains to BDSM.  Is this something that you are just trying out to "see if it works"?  Are you dedicated to succeeding in this way of life no matter what b.s. you encounter?  Do you believe the problems you are encountering reside within this lifestyle or is it something else?  The answers to these questions will determine what path you take.

The reason why I write this post is because I do not believe most people end up in BDSM by mistake.  Yes, there are those who were attracted by 50 Shades and this is a passing fancy.  However, for most, there was something deeper which drew them in.  These are the individuals who I am directing this post at.  These are the ones who buy into the false belief that elsewhere holds the key to their fulfillment.  In most instances, it does not.  Ultimately, they realize, after more suffering, that BDSM was where they belonged.  Again, I speak from personal experience on this one.

Therefore, check your commitment level when considering the thoughts about leaving BDSM behind.  Trust me when I tell you, whatever you are encountering/dealing with exists in the traditional world also.  Being committed is what enables us to overcome the obstacles in our path.  This is true not only for BDSM but all of life.  Hence, the solution is not to throw in the towel when things get difficult but, rather, further the resolve for success.

Remember, success oftentimes is just on the other side of failure.

 DN  

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September 26, 2014

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WHAT WE FEAR MOST BECOMES OUR EXPERIENCE.

DN

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.
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Self Bondage


This is a topic that is not covered to often in the world of BDSM but something that I feel is extremely important since I witness it in almost every individual I come across.  Obviously, like most of my posts, this subject is not what people commonly associate it with.  I am not going to delve into the fetish of "self bondage" but, rather, explore what people do to themselves.

All Issues Are Self Worth Issues

People do what they do because of what is within them.  What do I mean by this?  Basically, all external observations are a reflection of what is within one.  Basically, the outer is a product of the inner.  This is no secret since personal development people referred to this idea for the past 100 years.  The mind is a powerful mechanism.  Sadly, few people really know how to use it.  Instead, they are just puppets on the string run by an out of control "master" who devastates their lives.  Today, I hope to help break you of some of this.

As you know, I am against the conditioning of society.  Slaves, in my experience, tend to have overt self esteem issues because of the conditioning that our culture places them under.  Madison Avenue (the mecca of advertisers) promotes images of what we are suppose to look like, what we should have, and how we should live.  If you do not meet these standards, you are less than.  Obviously, the most impacted are females who are consistently bombarded by messages of what "beautiful" is.  The idea that "you are not good enough", which is programmed in us from an early age, becomes imprinted upon our psyche.  It is sad how many wonderful people I met over the years who are truly worthwhile yet did not see that themselves.

I mentioned that slaves are overt in their self esteem issues.  To the trained eye, dominants are equally as overt yet the masses miss it.  Therefore, let me tell you, most dominants have self esteem issues that are as bad as slaves.  The major difference is they "cover" it up with the idea that they are strong.  This is what leads to their online behavior of being arrogant a**holes.  Instead of acting like a self confident man, they are demeaning and abusive.  This is not strength but comes from fear.  Deep down they know they are not good enough so they compensate by flashing ego to the world. Ultimately, they are just as scared as most others.

Hence, one abuses because of low self esteem while the one being abused takes it for the same reason.  Again, neither is coming from a place of strength but, rather, weakness.  Ultimately, in life, people get exactly what they are able to handle.  Therefore, if you continually find yourself in abusive relationships, the reason is because you are too weak to handle anything else.  In other words, your self worth tells you "this is what you deserve".  To break the cycle, one must increase her self esteem so she, deep down, believes she deserves more.  Until that occurs, the cycle will repeat itself.

Fear: The Ultimate Captor

Many within the lifestyle love bondage.  It is an aspect of play that really excites me.  This simple act really emphasizes the difference in power.  One who is bound is basically at the mercy of the one doing the binding.  It is very stimulating for both a dominant and slave to envision this situation.  To be under total control really strikes at the core of a slave while doing the same to the master.  However, the same is true when one does it to oneself, unfortunately, without the same stimulation.

Most people are run by fear.  It is their overriding default.  Their mind is so out of control that it creates physical/emotional sensations in the body which dictates the action taken (or not taken).  As I said, most slaves operate from this exact place.  Their past, which is usually littered with horrific situations, continues to run their lives in each present moment.  This is the reason why many continually run.  They conditioned themselves to believe that when they start to experience something, it is time to move on.  In other words, they feel they are going to "leave" before the other person "hurts" them.

The problem with operating out of this perspective is that nobody can predict what is going to happen.  Each life situation is new.  People have a tough time internalizing this but the truth is that each individual is different from every other.  Therefore, if you are dealing with someone new, he or she is a different person than your ex, last master, or the one you slept with last week.  While cycles and patterns of behavior do occur, especially if you are failing to grow and learn, it is not necessarily the case.

Therefore, we must conclude that fear is an illusion.  Realistically, fear is only real when we are put into the "fight or flight" situation.  In other words, when we are in physical danger, a number of things happen within the body in response to the mechanism which allows us to either fight or flee.  This is a biological reaction which served our ancestors well.  However, in this era, when most of what we battle is within our heads, we need to understand this has horrendous effects.  Buying into the fears (99% of them) is unhealthy and serves no purpose.  They are just stories that our mind tells us.  Again, the truth is we do not know.

Strength

BDSM is about becoming a strong person.  Those who truly commit to this way of life and delve into themselves realize there is a lot down in their core.  The potential of most is incredible yet so few tap into it.  One thing I learned about the core (located down around the pubic hair line) is that it contains the truth.  This area is free from the myths of the mind.  It reveals to us what is true about ourselves without the false imagery out minds project.  We come to understand our domination/submission by accessing this part of ourselves.  At the same time, our sexual desires, kinks, and wants are located here.  We also uncover what it is that makes us tick and motivates us.  Our passions and what we truly want in life is also located here.  This is why I often write that BDSM is a journey within especially at the beginning.  Understanding oneself is paramount before embarking upon a relationship with another(others).  Sadly, few take this step.

Another thing that is located at our core is our strength.  Again, this is inherent in everyone.  Nobody is created weak.  The only reason why people are weak is because they refuse/fail to access what is within them.  Believing the lies of the mind is much easier than doing the necessary internal search that is required to understand oneself.  At the same time, society does not promote this idea for the simple reason is it wants people to be weak and obey.  Few have the strength to stand up on their own.  What is ironic is the fact that one is in the BDSM world shows the ability to shed the mainstream ideas (mostly from the experience of not working) and seeking something that fulfills one.  Ultimately, fulfillment comes from adhering to what the core desires.

Contrary to what the consensus seems to be, especially among the online community, slaves are and need to be strong individuals.  There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with an individual who is overrun with fear.  In fact, it is impossible to get anywhere with someone of this nature.  Instead of tapping into the natural strength within her, she succumbs to fear.  What this causes is an extremely pessimistic outlook upon life.  Each situation is viewed through "the worst case scenario" glasses.  It is as if a person of this sort is always waiting for something "bad" to happen.  Of course, this is why many opt to run before that "bad" enters their lives.  As I said, this is coming from a place of weakness and results in a lifelong habit of poor choices.

So what does strength look like.  As mentioned, this is not a boasting or telling the world how great you are.  In fact, actions like that are from the same place as running.  It is fear...the fear of not being enough.  Therefore, a person of this sort tries to make him or herself appear better by either boasting or putting another down.  Strong people have no need to do this.

A slave who is strong embraces what she is.  She is proud of her ability to submit to another at the mental level while surrendering her core.  Understanding and taking her place is something she relishes.  She is fully aware that being a slave is not a place of less than, especially when compared to dominants.  Instead, she grasps that her submissiveness is just a trait that is opposite of a dominant yet equally necessary.  Her engagement in power separation is adhering to her core and she does so without fear.  Of course, she is intelligent in her decisions while not submitting to just any moron.  She seeks out those who are true and seek to fulfill her core.  Letting go is something that might not come easily but she does so because she has full faith within herself that all will work out.  Trust is not a problem since the person she trusts the most is herself.  She looks at those areas of uncertainty in her life and takes painstaking takes the measures to understand and correct them.  Finally, she is willing to stand in and embrace what she needs/desires without fear.

It is ironic to read profiles of people who write what they are seeking and then witness them run when they get exactly what they are asking for.  On what level does this make sense.  I once wrote that "when the universe gives you exactly what you desire, it is a good idea to embrace it and not run from it".  Nevertheless, we see the actions derived from a lack of self worth taking hold.  People behave in this manner because their mind is at odds with their core.  It is always a bad idea to side with the mind when battling the core.

In the end, people are their own worst enemies.  They are in bondage, not because of others, but because of their own thought processes.  The inability to realize how special and valuable they are leads them to accept the unacceptable.  It also creates a hopeless outlook whereby one is basically "just passing the time".  Instead of moving towards something that could potentially fulfill them, they move away from it while waiting for the "bad" feelings to pass.  They will not.  Ultimately, the mind will keep generating the thoughts that lead to these feelings which keep you bound up.  Internally, all bondage is self bondage.  And, at the end of the day, the only one who can free yourself is you.

Self bondage might be a wonderful fetish but it is a terrible way to live your life.  Today, start the process of shedding the "chains" that are holding you captive.  Exercise the strength that is within you and be disciplined in your actions.  You have a lot to offer the world in spite of what your mind tells you.  Begin this process to see how wonderful your life can be.  You are truly worthy, your core tells me so.  However, what I believe means little; it is what you believe that really matters.

DN 

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September 18, 2014

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A Master's Greatest Challenge


Today's post comes from years of experience and encounters with many different slaves.  One thing about interaction with others on a large scale is that it affords one the opportunity to see trends along the way.  Human beings tend to be the same at least within certain cultural norms.  Now, I will admit that my interactions are basically limited to those from the Western cultures.  There might be some differences when dealing with those who experienced the Eastern bloc countries or are from the parts of the world which still adhere to tribal traditions.  Nevertheless, most people seem to follow similar patterns.

I often write about depth in the BDSM world and how important it is to strive for this within a BDSM relationship.  Too many focus upon the "whips and chains" without giving any thought to what is beyond it.  So many are led by their sexual hormones that they fail to realize that the videos put out by the porn industry is not what BDSM is all about.  Nevertheless, this is the approach the majority of nitwits take.

For those who seek more, based upon the feedback I received, my writings find a home.  Many expressed the notion that depth is something they seek.  However, one thing I learned is that depth has it's price.  Few are able to embrace it and let go to enjoy it.  Hangups tend to arise every step of the way.  People are conditioned a certain way and straying from that is difficult.

One of the most important duties a Master performs is to take a slave and help her to grow.  There are many who believe that BDSM is a one way street yet this is not the case.  A Master has plenty of responsibility towards a slave while also having to give a lot.  In essence, a Master serves a slave albeit in a different manner than he receives it.  Nonetheless, he does perform a service to her or else there is no reason for her to be involved in BDSM.

When one seeks depth with a slave, there is one issue that always arises which must be dealt with.  What I am going to discuss now is a common ailment among human beings.  However, it is my experience that slaves take this to another level.  For whatever reason, they are bound up more than the average person by this affliction.  Therefore, unraveling this is of utmost importance.

And what is it that I am talking about you ask.  Simply, the biggest battle a Master has when seeking to take a slave at a deep level is fear.  It is the one hangup that almost every slave I encountered has to the "nth" degree.  Certainly it varies in how it manifests in the individual but under it all is intense fear.  Overcoming this is a Master's greatest challenge.

 Many slaves reside in a state of perpetual fear.  It is amazing how bound up an individual can be to the point she is almost paralyzed.  What is ironic is you will find this in most no matter what their proclamation is.  We all know about the ones who are seeking to be "sex slaves".  Their fear is obvious: they limit their area of their submission because they fear giving up control entirely.  What is not so obvious are the ones who appear to be what I term "true slaves".  They are individuals who have the understanding of what being a slave means and how she is to live her life.  Nevertheless, overwhelming fear is present within her, often to a greater degree than the sex slaves.

I wrote on here a number of times, based upon my own slamming of my head against the wall, that one should not chase a "runner".  While there seems something romantic and noble about pursuing a "damsel in distress", the truth is that is usually is a total waste of time.  As an example, I once knew one who was in her mid 50s.  This woman had numerous divorces along with long term broken relationships.  Most of these were in vanilla although her BDSM life was taking on the same pattern.  I dealt with her for a while and she ran.  Over the next few months contact was haphazard until about 9 months later our interaction became more frequent.  Without going into all the details, it is safe to say she reached a point where she ran again.

Why do I bring this all up?  My point is to illustrate that this individual simply did what her conditioning was.  When the going got tough, she exited stage left.  This is commonplace.  Fish swim, birds fly, runners run.  It is extremely difficult to change the nature of many individuals.  In fact, look at the track record most people have.  They say they want to change but few do.  Instead, they follow the same beliefs and patterns for decades (if not their entire lives).  Change simply is too difficult to embrace.  Therefore, the status quo is the norm.

Getting back to the runner, the basic motivator is fear.  Anyone who continually runs is afraid to stand in and deal with the situation at hand.  Now, before going any further, I will state that there are times when a relationship or situation is long "toast".  It is burnt to the ground.  Obviously, if you did everything you could in a particular situation and nothing changed, well exiting is often a smart move.  Nevertheless, I find that most run at the first sign of difficulty and never even attempt to "exhaust every avenue possible".  Personally, I believe it stems from the inability to commit to something larger than oneself.  I do not know how many times I read profiles of slaves ready to leave the lifestyle simply because their relationship went bad.  Seriously, if one is truly committed to this way of life, leaving is never even an option.  Sure one might step back and take a breather yet leaving for good, not possible.  Of course, for one who is not truly committed, it is easy to move on to another way of life.

A simple truth is that there are times in life that things are not comfortable.  At the same time, we simply do not know how things are going to turn out.  On a day-to-day basis, certainty is desired but is rarely found.  In short, our crystal balls are broken.  We believe we know what is going to happen yet this is a false belief.  Each day is completely new and nothing is for certain.  Naturally, this lack of certainty instills fear since the unknown is scary.  However, the most successful people are those who can take action in spite of not knowing the outcome.  Embracing uncertainty is a talent worthy of developing for all individuals.

So what is it that a slave fears most?  This is a loaded question since it will vary from individual-to-individual.  I will start by stating most slaves have huge self esteem problems.  Their self worth is in the toilet (and dealing with the degrading moronic dominants does not help).  At the same time, their lives are usually wrought with pain and suffering.  However, it is important to remember that none of us go through life without experiencing emotional setbacks.  Therefore, a bit of perspective is necessary to realize that one is not so unique.  Molestation and rape are commonplace within the world today.  The same is true for breakups.  Few of us are able to find the "one" right off the bat and spend the rest of our lives in bliss.  In fact, nobody finds BDSM without a great deal of pain.  It is this pain which causes us to start the search in the first place.  In other words, if the vanilla world was working, none of us would be here.

Achieving depth requires overcoming one's fears.  Those who desire something of this magnitude are going to have to let go and commit themselves no matter how scary the proposition.  Again, few are able to do this.  Instead, they proceed down the path until it gets too difficult.  Invariably something will arise which is unresolved from the past which requires attention.  At this point, the desire to suppress that and hide it is great.  In fact, I would say this is the usual technique used.  A slave will stuff away what is bothering opting to go to a place within her where she does not have to deal with it.  Of course, this deals with nothing except for placing something within her that eats away like a cancer.  It is no wonder so many are emotionally unstable when you consider they stuffed their problems for decades.  Again, this is easier route than standing in a dealing with what is at hand.

For a BDSM relationship to be successful, both parties must be willing to let go and give themselves to each other.  This means they give all of themselves.  The problem with this for many is that past experiences arise leading one to believe he or she will be hurt.  While this is always possible, the truth is one does not know for certain it will happen.  Remember who I wrote earlier, the crystal ball is broken.  One can no more say something will work out than he or she can say it will not.  Certainty is not a part of our ever changing world so do not expect it nor buy into it.  It is a myth.  Simply take the measures to protect yourself and move forward.

Have you ever wondered why there are so many slaves out there who are alone?  What is the reason for it?  Part of it is the basic fact that there are not a ton of true Masters out there.  The pretenders are a dime a dozen but those who are adept at taking someone at a deep level is a rarity.  However, that is not the total picture.  The main reason that so many slaves are alone is that is their destiny.  Fear isolates and they are all consumed by it.  They simply will not let it go and take the necessary steps to achieve something magical with another person.  Instead, they progress for a while until things get uncomfortable within and then it is time to sabotage it.  Hence, another broken relationship is the result.  We see this situation play out on a daily basis.  The BDSM dating sites is littered with profiles of slaves telling the same story.  They want depth yet are afraid to go their themselves.  Giving up the fear and making oneself vulnerable it simply too difficult.  Instead, they proceed like always and, when things do not work out, totally ignore the core problem.  I guess this is simply human nature manifesting itself in the BDSM world.  Either way, it is real trend that I have seen repeated for years.

So what is a Master to do?  Being aware of this enemy is the first step.  In short, realize that almost every slave you are talking to is scared sh**less.  She has fears on many different levels and you will have to tend to them all.  A slave needs a safe place and it is up to the Master to provide that to one(s) in his care.  She needs a place where she can open up and unload her fears.  Therefore, a Master needs to be adept at not only creating this forum but also being able to handle the fears once they are dumped upon him.  Taking ownership of one means you own ALL of her.  Notice the word all.  This means in totality, entirety, all that is there.  Many simply want to cherry pick the good and easy while leaving the difficult behind.  That is not how it works.  Her fears are, most likely, the largest part of her.  If you want her, you best be willing to take that on.  Nobody said being a Master was easy.

In closing, I will state that I will delve into this topic more in future posts.  The bottom line is a slave is a scared being for many reasons.  Understanding that few take the time to deal with their s**t means that it is still there.  It is your responsibility to create a safe place for a slave to go with ALL her problems, concerns, and insecurities.  Often, simply opening up about them will reveal to her how absurd they truly are.  This is because fear, no matter how real it feels, is an illusion.  It is mythology generated by the mind to maintain the status quo.  Remember, the mind craves certainty, something that is impossible.  Therefore, it will do whatever it can to maintain what it knows which is the status quo.  It is imperative that you realize this is going on within a slave at all times.  Unless you become adept that breaking through the fear and getting her to let go, your relationship will be hindered at every turn.

As always, be careful out there.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

September 16, 2014

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The Importance of Standards


I am going to be blunt here.  Most of the people you encounter online (and even in person), basically are not worth your time.  This is a simple conclusion I drew from years of experience interacting with the pretenders, wannabes, and, even, those who seemed genuine but were not.

One of the thing that I noticed is the most respected people in the lifestyle have high standards.  What is interesting is this applies both for themselves and others.  I bring this up simply to point out that the tendency within the lifestyle is to settle.  I see so many who are willing to submit to a tree and then are upset when things do not work out.  Let me share with you candidly that making a decision based upon desperation will not work.

It is crucial that you establish standards of conduct for yourself and any potential one(s) that you are interacting with.  Too many people believe that acting contrary to this is acceptable.  In my book it is not.  If one is not worthy of proper conduct, he or she is not worth the time and effort.  And be mindful, people like this often come with a nice smile and clean clothing.  Yet, ultimately, you find out later they are scumbags because of their behavior.

I read a profile one time that said "if he is quick to leave, he never was going to stay anyway".  This really struck me deep and made me ponder it for a while.  How many in our society, in general, are ready to jump out of something without much thought.  Even marriage, which is the atypical symbol of a lifelong commitment, is left without regard.  Few people consider the commitment level when making it, hence have no problem exiting as soon as things get a bit difficult.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior no matter what side of the domination/submission coin one falls upon.  If someone lacks the "morals" that you seek, rid yourself of that person.  I see many who do not accept rude and degrading emails from "doms" and will not tolerate that behavior.  To those who operate like this, I applaud you.  There is no reason for you to accept anything but what is your highest standard from anyone.

However, this all comes with a caveat.  If you are going to establish high standards for others you interact with, then you best do it for yourself.  This is not a "do as I say" deal.  Here is a point that really needs to be driven home to the dominants.  Too often I see a profile that states "I want a slave who is fit and who cares for her body" yet he is 325 pounds.  Give me a break.  If you believe physical fitness is important, get off the couch and do something yourself.  At the same time, if timeliness is something you expect from others, then showing up late yourself is unacceptable.  My point is whatever you set down for others needs to apply to yourself.

Tony Robbins makes a statement that I like.  He says "if you want to improve your life, increase your standards".  This is very true.  There is something about the correlation between expectations and what we ultimately see manifested in our lives.  Therefore, when delving into the wonderful world of BDSM, be sure to establish a level that is up to what you desire.  Do not tolerate that which you find unacceptable.  Be willing to move on, no matter how hard it might be in the moment, from those who continually fall on the wrong side of this equation.  If someone is continually letting you down and acting in ways that cause you pain, then you need to do something about it.  Ultimately, people, even slaves, are very slow to alter their behavior.  Those with good constitution tend to exhibit that in their actions.  Sadly, the opposite is also true. 

We know that nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  Therefore, be careful not to box yourself in by looking for the "perfect" master or slave.  I am here to tell you that person does not exist.  However, that being said, it is crucial that we do not go to the other end of the spectrum and simply accept anyone who comes along.  There is a fine line that we must navigate yet it is important to get this correct.  Over the years, I can tell you that I met some really "wonderful" people who ended up doing some not so wonderful things.  I know I am not alone in this boat.  It happens everyday and, sadly, there are always signs there.  When someone repeatedly does something, it is safe to conclude this person will continue it.  If it is unacceptable to you and continues even after mentioning it, then move on unless you are ready to endure a great deal of pain.  Quite simply, many cannot stop their substandard behavior no matter how many times they are told about it.

In closing, understand that you are worth more.  There is no reason to tolerate actions from others that you deem unacceptable.  Raise your standards and only interact with those who meet them.  Failure to do this will leave you unfulfilled long term.  I cannot tell you how many I witnessed over the years repeat the same behavior over and over.  They simply allowed desperation to over take them.  Do not fall victim to this.  There was a line in a movie I watched years ago which said "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones".  Consider this idea and see how it applies to your life.  Are you presently in a situation that does not fulfill you?  Or are you considering getting involved with someone yet see some signs there?  If you answer yes to either of these questions, perhaps it is best to take a deeper look within yourself to see what is there.  The signs might be very telling if you are willing to listen.

DN  

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September 13, 2014

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M/s Breakup


We all know that most time, breaking up is hard to do.  While cliche, we all know the pain that goes along with having a relationship, especially long term, come to an end.  This is true whether one is BDSM or vanilla.

Of late, I am interacting with/consoling a slave friend of mine who recently experienced a break up of this nature.  Without going into the particulars, she lost her Master of 7 years (whom she was also married to).  Now, let me start by saying that I do not use the term "slave" with this woman loosely.  She is a true one who knows her place within the lifestyle and fully knows what it means to be "owned".  And it is for this reason that I write this post.

When one lives truly as a slave, she gives her entire being over to her owner.  This is a place few of us can truly understand since most of us are NOT slaves.  Submissiveness is a characteristic that is at the core of many but few can embrace the degree of surrender required to live as a slave.  Turning yourself completely over to another requires the ability to separate from self (the illusion that we created in our minds usually containing our fallacious self importance) and fully embracing what is at ones core.  To live for the pleasure and benefit of another while seeking the personal fulfillment that comes with being involved in a deep M/s relationship is indescribable.  Again, this is something that few of us are able to attain.

That being said, when one is a slave, her entire essence is tied up in the relationship.  Of course you can say that the same should be true for the Master and I would agree.  However, the difference is that a slave comes to fully depend upon her Master, especially when the relationship lasts for more than a year.  Over time, the closeness and depth is addicting (for lack of a better word).  Many "experts" will see this as a sign of weakness yet in our lifestyle it is one of strength.  Those who are able to fully give of themselves are the ones who enjoy the greatest benefits of a M/s relationship (this equally applies to the dominant ones too).

The other problem that a slave has is she continually looks to her Master for the guidance required.  In short, all her actions and decisions are not only wrapped around him but, also, are sanctioned by him.  Again, over time, a slave comes to depend upon this direction in her life (hopefully it is good direction and he is not a moron).  This dependence is what makes a M/s relationship deeper than most in the vanilla world because of the trust level by the slave and responsibility taken on by the Master.  Yet, when that guidance is removed, it is also the one thing that makes the break up of a M/s relationship that much more difficult to deal with.

It is not uncommon for one (a slave) to be completely lost when losing her Master.  This is especially true if she did not request release, rather, was given it by him unsolicited.  It is important to remember that her entire day, to some degree, revolved around him.  In many instances, depending upon the structure of the relationship, he might have chose what she wore each day.  Now, with him gone, where does one even begin to start?

There are thousands of articles online about how to get past a break up so I will not repeat that information here in great detail.  What I will say is that, for a slave who just lost her BDSM relationship, it is crucial to start taking some responsibility immediately.  Even while going through the "mourning" process, she needs to assert herself in her own life.  Let us not forget, there is a good chance most meaningful decisions were made for her.  Therefore, she needs to start exercising this muscle immediately.  Today, start making a basic decision.  If you were one who was not allowed to determine what you wore, make that choice now.  Also, plan out your meals for the day.  Start to use the decision-making muscle so that it gets stronger from this point forward.

Another thing that is crucial is realize that the end is not here.  It is easy to associate the break up with the lifestyle.  However, this is not the case.  Sure, when the time is right, the path to finding someone else will not be easy as we all know.  Nobody really likes to think about the prospects of jumping back onto the BDSM dating sites with the intention of finding a new partner.  We all know what is out there and it is akin to jumping into a pool of sharks.  Nevertheless, we do it because we really have no choice.  Where are we going to go?  Match.com?  Seriously, if vanilla worked, we would not be here to start with.  Nevertheless, remember that it is part of the deal and it has no bearing on you as a slave.  Relationships fail for many reasons and there is a great chance it is not all your fault (even if he tells you it is).  The bottom line is there is someone else out there for you.

Which brings up another point.  I wrote "when the time is right".  DO NOT hop back on your favorite BDSM dating site immediately and start interacting with the ones on there after just exiting a deep, emotional relationship.  You are not ready and the pretenders will only attack your already damage psyche.  They are ruthless and uncaring.  You need to take the time for yourself.  Healing is in order along with dealing with the regular actions which are required after a break up (divorce, clearing out his stuff, re-establishing relationships with friends/family, dealing with financial issues, etc...).  There is a fairly long road ahead of you and the distraction of finding another is something you do not need.  Ultimately, you do not want to find another as much as cover up the pain of being hurt.  Often, the ego is damaged and our self worth crushed.  It is at this time that we want to be in the arms/bed/bondage of another.  The problem with this is that we are just trying to feel some worth to ourselves.  This is not healthy since that can never come from an outside source.  Hence, do not do it.  Take the time for you.

Putting your life back together is possible.  It will take some time and a lot of internal struggle.  My view is the entry into BDSM begins with an internal search and that never stops.  You need to go within at this time and rediscover yourself.  There is a lot there.  Keep in mind, relationships all tend to run their course.  We have very few people who remain with us throughout our entire lives.  It is best to embrace the temporariness of everything.  Everyone, including yourself, is non-permanent.  In 150 years, none of us will be here.  The ending of a relationship, while sad when of this degree, is just another in a long line of broken ones.  We know this well.  Therefore, try to learn the lessons which are there and carry them with you forward.  Nothing you are experiencing is uncommon.  It will take some time, but there will come a day when the pain is gone.  The problem is most of us put that day off by opting to hold onto the pain for a lot longer than we should.  Nevertheless, you will bounce back from this if you allow yourself to.  It is not the end, simply another act in the play that is your life.  That individual who owned you was there for Act 3, but not the 4th one.  You are simply onto another part of the script now.  Try to keep this in mind when you find yourself in the doldrums.  The play is still going on as it should, so try to go with it.  There is a happy ending written in there for you.

DN

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August 23, 2014

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Fantasy versus Reality


It is time to issue a wake up call to most of the BDSM world, especially the online crowd.  To start, I must say, clue in.  Welcome to life.  Entering the BDSM realm does not mean you leave nor exempt yourself from it.  We live in the real world with all its pleasures and perils.  Sadly, many seem to miss this point.

Dream Much?

BDSM novels tend to "romanticize" this way of life.  We all know what a bunch of garbage 50 Shades is in terms of the realism of it.  Now, it is pleasant reading and enjoyable much in the same way romance novels are.  However, would anyone really believe that a romance novel is a text of how to run your marriage?  Of course not.  Yet many people seem to believe that the BDSM world is reflected in books such as 50 Shades.

To start, the problem with 50 Shades is that how many dominants online are billionaires?  The idea that one is going to be taken and trek around the world is fairly unrealistic.  Now there might be some dominants/masters who are in a financial category which allows this but I would say you are best embracing the idea that you might not be able to find him.

Which brings up another belief so many have.  The idea that you are going to be home all day long, naked, and on your knees waiting for him to come through the door is another fantasy.  Welcome to life in the modern era.  Just looking around society, it is evident that most households require dual incomes.  No longer is it feasible, in most instances, to get by on one income.  Expenses are continually rising yet salaries are not.  This means that your ass is going to be clothed and sent off to work.  This is where the vast percentage of people are going to fall into.

Another thing that will burst people's bubble is that people involved in BDSM have problems.  People in all walks of life suffer from this.  Even those in the upper elite have their share of issues.  Look at Robin Williams.  He is a stark reminder that fame and fortune do not come without problems.  In fact, because of the money he earned, his problems had a higher price tag on them.  He paid out more in child support than most of us will make in our lifetimes.  Either way, his life ended tragically because he wasn't able to cope with what was occurring around him.  Therefore, do not expect your entry into BDSM to absolve you of your life problems even if you are a slave who is being taken care of.  There will be issues which arise.  Financial, family, and medical are just three areas that none of us can get out of.  Accept this as reality.

Finally, get over the sexfest mentality.  There is a lot more to BDSM than whips and chains.  Again, sex is great.  However, do people base a marriage exclusively upon this?  Is a marriage a 24/7 fuckfest where the house is torn apart from the passion?  Maybe that occurs for the first few weeks or months, but after that a routine is settled into.  The same with BDSM.  Life is not a continual play party.  In fact, if your BDSM existence is completely play parties, then you really are not in this lifestyle, you are just playing games.  So have fun but keep your place in perspective.  Those who are in serious BDSM relationships or seeking them, realize this is a lot more than just play.

These are the fantasies many seem to hold true.  Now let us look at the reality.

Wake Up Call

Welcome to the vanilla world with a twist.  If you want to know what reality looks like in the BDSM world, simply look around you now.  That is the reality of it.  Nothing is different other than the fact that in BDSM we structure our relationships in a different manner.  We have an unequal power exchange compared to one that is based upon parity.  That is the single biggest difference between the two.  Almost everything else is the same.  Sure, instead of playing cards on Saturday night we might engage in bondage and impact play.  However, the basic essence of life remains.  As mentioned, all the problems that go along with being alive are present for us also.

A BDSM relationship takes work.  Yes, I realize that it is unequal in terms of power.  However, that does not mean that automatic success is guaranteed.  Each party is responsible for certain things within the relationship.  It is a two-way street.  There are going to be times when conflict arises (yes this is true in a M/s situation also).  We do not escape the human element of ourselves by entering this way of life.  Therefore, everything that happens within the "vanilla" world will also take place here.  If married, there is a chance you will dislike your inlaws even if you do own their daughter.  Kids are going to create mischief because that is their nature.  Both masters and slaves will come home, at times, from work stressed out.  Whatever others deal with, expect to face the same situations yourself.

Alas, not all is bad.  One thing I can tell you is the potential within a BDSM relationship is much greater than that in the vanilla world.  Because of the necessity of trust, BDSM enables us to go to much deeper levels.  The responsibility that one accepts when he decides to own someone cannot be compared to anything in the traditional realm.  At the same time, having the ability to surrender your life over in that manner is also incomprehensible to most.  Nevertheless, this is a regular part of our existence within this way of life.  While it does come with challenges and burdens, the payoff, is much greater.  Two people can experience closeness that I, surmise, the vanilla world only dreams about.  When you own someone and are responsible for her life, that takes on a very special meaning.  It is not something to take lightly.  Yet the rewards can be incredible.  The same is true for the one who is owned (from what is related to me).  Depth and growth are truly at the core of our interactions because it requires us to delve into our cores to begin with.  Finding out such deep things about ourselves enables us to share that with another.  This is something, in my experience, the traditional world does not promote.  Instead, it readily accepts the dogma society espouses.  Simply in finding this way of life, we had to at least question, if not reject, those views.  This began the quest that led us here.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live your life and structure your interactions.  However, please keep fantasy and reality separate.  If you believe BDSM is going to be the answer to all your problems, then you are sadly mistaken.

DN 

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August 21, 2014

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Full Time Commitment


This is going to be a short, post of a topic that came to my mind early this morning.

I often write how the first commitment that one needs to make is to the lifestyle.  Too many want to immediately get into a BDSM relationship before truly learning what this is all about.  At the same time, they use their first relationship to determine whether BDSM is for them or not.  As much as this might seem logical, what would the world look like if everyone decided their heterosexuality based upon their first vanilla relationship?  I hypothesize that most would turn away from it since we all know that few of us ever remain with our "first love".

Being committed to this way of life means that you are willing to persist no matter what comes up.  Obviously, we see this is crucial when dealing with all the pretenders online.  Yes they can wear on a person.  However, it is only through persisting that one can truly realize what he or she is seeking which is a BDSM relationship.  Giving up is not the pathway to that end.

At the same time, this idea enters into the picture when one is involved with another person.  The simple truth is that life, no matter what the lifestyle choice, can be difficult.  There are times when we are all tired.  We also encounter periods of high stress.  Financial burdens can really weigh a person down and he or she is apt to take that out on another.  Finally, we enter states where we are over emotional.  This is a basic fact of our human existence and becoming a slave or master does not alter this reality.

However, what it does mean is that we also are not absolved of our responsibilities.  Pertaining to BDSM, when we enter into a relationship, there are a number of things that each person is responsible for.  A slave has specific duties which are expected to be fulfilled regardless of what her "state" is.  Certainly, there is room for leeway if one is ill but the basic message is that she needs to fulfill her responsibilities regardless of how she "feels".  The same holds true for the master.  His responsibility is equally, but no more, important to the success of the relationship.  His slave is depending upon him to fulfill certain roles that she cannot herself.  Her dependence upon him means that he doesnt get to shy away from his responsibilities either.  We all understand he is tired yet being involved in a BDSM relationship is a full time commitment.

Please do not misunderstand me.  There needs to be flexibility in a relationship, even one of this nature.  The simple premise is that one is not always going to be feeling well and this applies equally to masters and slaves.  Sometimes, backing off is the best thing one can do for another.  Often, unless one is communicating, we do not know what is going through his or her mind.  Perhaps there is something more serious than we know.  Yes, a BDSM relationship offers the platform for open communication but we are still human.  There are times when a master or slave will not reveal something.  At times there might be a good reason for it, others maybe not.  Either way, there are often underlying conditions which make someone shut down.  Times such as this means that one is not likely to be willing to give his or her all to the relationship.  As long as it is a temporary situation, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a little room to work through stuff.  Again, the key word is temporary.  If this becomes prolonged, then there is an issue.

That being said, there is also the expectation that one will perform his or her responsibilities even when not feeling up to it.  Outside the situations I just mentioned, waiting until one feels submissive, as an example, before acting in that manner is not appropriate.  Hey life is tough and we all need to do things that we do not want to do.  However, it takes on a bigger role in BDSM because each party, especially the slave, is dependent upon the other.  If a master is not stepping up to the plate because he is "tired", then the slave is rather lost.  Sure she can handle her day-to-day duties but her overall growth is stunted.  The same is true of a slave is not willing to adhere to her role.  Acting sassy or bitchy just because one is in a "mood" does not bode very well.  Being tired, upset, or emotional are perfectly acceptable and expected.  However, taking it out on someone else is not, especially when that person is the one you are involved with.

One final thought on this.  Emotional control is one of the biggest parts of a successful BDSM relationship and one of the major growth areas that all need to strive for.  It is easy to lash out when we are feeling anger or down.  Nevertheless, this is inappropriate behavior on every level.  Mastery means being able to control oneself, emotionally.  Yet, this idea does not only apply to masters.  Slaves need to strive for this end also.  Too many people do hurtful things to those they care about simply because they are "out of control".  People become puppets to their emotions/feelings.  A spiritual concept is that "feelings are not facts".  It is something we choose often based upon conditioning.  The simple test of this is to look at two people in the same work environment who are side-by-sde.  One person is stressed out while the other enjoying him/herself even though the work load is the same.  Why is that?  The answer is because one person chooses to feel stress while another opts for something else.  Therefore, each of us needs to learn to control ourselves emotionally to prevent undue pain caused upon others.  Yes this is a difficult task but growing up is never easy.

Maturity is doing what we need to do even when we do not want to do it.  Anyone with children knows how they are the exact opposite.  A child will not do his/her homework until forced.  Instead, playing takes a higher priority.  BDSM is the same way.  There are times when you have to put your anger, upset, tiredness, overwhelm, and stress aside and do what is required of you.  If you want to enjoy the benefits of being in a BDSM relationship and having someone fulfill their responsibilities to you, then you must be willing to do the same, no matter what your "state" at the present moment.  A BDSM relationship, like any other, is a full-time commitment.  We do not have the luxury of only doing those things when we want to. 

DN 

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August 20, 2014

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Fulfillment and Happiness


I am going to delve into something that seems completely off the wall to many people, at least according to the actions I see online.  Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me the mindset that so many people have when entering this lifestyle.  For whatever reason, they feel like they entered a completely different dimension while leaving all logic and sensibility behind.  I don't know, perhaps it is just the online world but it is rather disturbing.  Nevertheless, maybe a bit of what I set down here today will help clarify some things.

What Are Relationships For?

This is an important question to consider.  Why does one get into a relationship with another?  In the BDSM world, why does a submissive seek out a dominant and what is she looking for?  Knowing the answer to this is crucial to the success of the relationship.  Now I will admit that each individual is unique in terms of her specifics.  However, we can draw some wide generalizations to encompass the overall idea.  Ironically, the reasoning is going to mirror everyone else in the world.

So why does anyone enter into a relationship?  The answer is simple: they seek to be happy and fulfilled.  I believe this is true for all types whether heterosexual, homosexual, or BDSM.  The only difference is what an individual is seeking yet the reasoning is the same.

What is interesting is that many of the so called dominants online do not consider this when approaching a submissive/slave.  Instead, they operate from the perspective that only their needs and desires matter.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave is not going to remain in a relationship, if she is a healthy individual, if she is unhappy and unfulfilled.  Sadly, many of the moronic individuals we see in such huge numbers online feel that fulfillment comes from sucking them off and serving them dinner.  While these acts can be satisfying to a sub/slave, if that is all there is, she will end up empty inside.  In short, the relationship will not fill a need for her.

Therefore, we must consider some of the basic areas which she needs attention:

-Sexual
-Domestic
-Intellectual
-Emotional
-Intimacy
-Grow
-Challenge
-Companionship
-Comfort/Safety

These are just a few of the areas that most subs/slaves require a dominant one to fulfill.  And finding one who is able to address all those areas is one of the challenges for the sub/slave when she is seeking.  Based upon my encounters online, it seems few are able to even consider what is most important outside of his own needs.

A Two-Way Street

A relationship is a two-way street.  Many of you saw me write this on numerous occasions.  Again, we see this idea is shunned by the dumbmasses since it is evident that the overwhelming belief is that only one person matters.  This is another viewpoint which is responsible for much of the failure within the BDSM community.

This is an idea that I am going to start harping upon more from now one.  One of the most flawed outlooks is that a dominant is better than a submissive.  This is incorrect.  One does not have more worth in the relationship nor more responsibility to the success of it.  Instead, each are equal in that regard.  A dominant and submissive are just different, not better or worse.  Therefore, when approaching a relationship, they have different needs looking to be fulfilled.  What is interesting is that both parties have the responsibility of fulfilling the other.  This is a point missed by so many.  Let me write that again: both parties have equal responsibility of fulfilling the other.  I believe you will find this is a much different approach than what is commonly expressed on the BDSM dating sites.

Now I am going to set out something that is never discussed in the BDSM world yet is so vital.  Whenever a sub/slave is interacting with a dominant with the idea of having something longer term, that individual needs to be asking "what is he going to do for me".  Again, this seems counter intuitive to the prevailing mindset yet it is vital.  A dominant has a responsibility to serve a submissive.  Yes you read that correctly.  When entering into the relationship, he is agreeing to serve her.  Now, bear in mind the form of service is different than what the submissive provides.  However, to ignore the fact that he needs to bring something to the table is misguided.

The abovementioned list is a good starting point.  How is this individual going to meet my needs in these particular areas?  Certainly, the sexual arena is discussed along with the play.  However, what talents and consideration is he going to give to her fulfillment and happiness?  Does he believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street and it is all "do as I say" garbage.  For this reason, a sub/slave needs to take a look at the potential dominant's entire life.  Where does he excel and where does he fail?  Dominants are human beings and perfection is not part of the curriculum.  Nevertheless, a dominant needs to have the interest in having a sub/slave who is fulfilled and the realization that it is his responsibility to help bring that about.  If this is not present, I surmise that the relationship is doomed from the start.

My regular readers know I refer often to a BDSM relationship being about depth.  The idea of this is that fulfillment only comes from having our deeper needs met (true fulfillment that is).  Too many focus upon the sex and play believing that is what a BDSM relationship is all about.  My experience is that is incorrect.  A BDSM relationship is about the growth of each party and the relationship as a whole.  Sometimes one outgrows the other meaning the relationship is destined to fail.  This is acceptable if both are growing albeit one at a much faster pace.  Sadly, the more common situation is where one puts effort into growing while the other does nothing (the dominant most likely).  Ultimately, the sub/slave requires more than this person is even interested in giving.

Remember this idea when interacting with others in the "lifestyle".  We always need to remember that all involved are people.  Just because one has a different core need, that does not make you better or worse than someone else.  And when moving towards a BDSM relationship, there are things which each person is responsible for it both are to attain fulfillment.  AND that is the goal of each when entering a BDSM relationship. 

DN

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