July 23, 2014

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Equality


Over the years, I wrote on a number of different occasions how equality is a myth.  This idea does not exist in the natural world.  Nature operates upon the premise of "survival of the fittest".  Even in BDSM, we establish our relationships based upon the unequal division of power.  Especially when we consider TPE situations, the power base is resident heavily in favor of one party.

So why do I bring all this up?  Quite simply, I am now going to write something that I view as a basic component that most miss in the BDSM world: the equality of a submissive.

Better Than One

Too many dominants operate from the belief they are better than the submissives.  We see this clearly in their approach.  They interact with submissive types like they are a lower species.  Respect is not something they give.  Hell, they fail to even give the most basic of courtesy instead opting to act like barbaric a**holes.  Emails sent without provocation calling one slut, cunt, whore and a host of other demeaning names exemplifies this point.  For some reason, they feel this behavior is acceptable simply because one chooses to call herself "submissive".  It is not.

BDSM is about a hierarchical structure of power.  It is not about one person being better than the other.  Each person in the relationship has a role to fulfill.  Through the exchange of power, we see the establishment of those roles clearly.  The individual responsibilities are clearly marked with each offering up service (yes dominants/masters provide service) to fulfill the other.  This exchange of power creates a situation of inequality in terms of the power but that is all.

Another central idea is that so many of the dominants we see operating, especially online, believe they are worth more than a submissive.  This is also equally incorrect.  It took a while for me to realize while I detest the "submission as a gift" idea.  Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that when one proclaims this, she is establishing herself as better than another.  Well, if that is true, my domination is also a gift.  I wonder how well received it would be if dominants suddenly started posting in their profiles that their domination is a gift that they are looking for a submissive to receive and cherish.  The bottom line is neither are gifts because a gift is given expecting nothing in return.  When one submits to another (or dominates) there is an expectation of receiving something back (usually domination and submission).  Hence, we see, that both pieces are needed.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I view domination and submission just opposite sides of the same coin.  Like many traditional philosophies or disciplines, it takes both the "yin and the yang".  You cannot have one without the other.  Both are required to complete the whole.  Without each performing its specific task, the other is worthless.

So, getting back to our egotistical, "I am better than you subbie" type dominants, let me ask a question:.  What are the chances that your wonderful domination is worth a damn unless anyone submits?  In other words, how can you dominate without a submissive?  The answer is you cannot.  It is the same as those who espouse how wonderful their submission is.  Well, try to operate based upon that without a dominant.  It simply does not work.  The whole is incomplete. 

Therefore, contrary to popular belief, being dominant is not better than being submissive.  At the same time, a dom/master is not worth more than a submissive/slave.  Quite simply, they are different.  They each approach the situation (relationship) from opposite perspectives.  The power exchange creates an inequitable situation but that does not alter each person's worth and value to the relationship.  Both are equally important.  If you do not believe me, please explain how you can exist and reach fulfillment without the other.  The bottom line is this cannot happen.  It is impossible.  A dominant needs someone to dominate and a submissive needs someone to submit to.  There is no relationship if there is only one party involved.

Remember this idea the next time you run across the dominant crackpots online.  If one is speaking in an inappropriate manner, simply as him why he feels he has a right to do that.  When he replies because he is dominant, ask him on what planet that suddenly elevates him to a level of worth above a submissive?  No matter what he answers, tell him to show you how much value his domination has without you (or anyone else) submitting to him.  Damn I would like to be a fly on the wall for that one.

DN  

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July 21, 2014

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The Search For A Dominant


One of the main reasons I travel around the Internet checking out profiles on the BDSM "dating" sites is to garner material to write about.  People are so open about what they are experiencing and since the same patterns seem to evolve, it is rather easy to get a grasp on what is occurring within the lifestyle.

That being said, once in a while I come across something that I had not considered or seen before.  It is times like these which I pay special attention.  Information like this is priceless in terms of understanding what this lifestyle (at least online) is all about.

Stacked Odds

We all know the odds of what we are dealing with on any of these online sites.  The number of fakes, con artists, and outright liars online is well documented.  Even on here, I continually write about my conclusions statistically with what we are encountering.  Overall, I feel we are only able to interact on a genuine level with 10% of the people.  That is all that are both real and genuine.  Of course, from that number we need to eliminate all those who are not compatible or do not match our criteria.  Hence, the odds are stacked against us from a numbers perspective.

What is interesting is that I am now beginning to understand the numbers game that the submissives have to deal with.  While the odds, in general, are not stacked in our favor, it is even worse for the subs/slaves.  While this might seem contrary on the surface, I will show you exactly what I mean.

Looking at the numbers online, it would appear there are a ton more dominants/masters than submissives.  The sheer number of profiles probably is a 3 to 1 if not a 4 to 1 ratio.  This gets even worse when one considers the numbers of emails that a sub/slave receives.  It is not uncommon for a new profile to get hit up by hundreds of emails.  The sheer numbers leads one to conclude that dominants are around in huge numbers.  What is interesting is the reverse is no where near true.  Dominants do not get a ton of emails.  And, in checking the same sites repeatedly, the numbers are not really that large with the profiles being mostly the same people who were on there for years.

But is this really reality?  Are there really a ton of dominants out there all waiting to be chosen by a sub/slave?  If this were the case, with the numbers being true, then why would there be any subs/slaves online without a relationship unless they did not want one?  If one looks at things from this viewpoint, it certainly raises some concerns.

Domination

Before going any further, it is best to take a look at what domination really is to gain some clarity as to what is truly desired by the submissive types who are online.  Domination is a quality that is within one.  I believe it is something that is natural for that person (just like submission) and not something they have to acquire.  It simply is there.  One needs not create this as much as uncover it about himself.  It is something that resides in his core and is exposed only after an internal search.

That being said, being dominant does not make one dominant.  What do I mean by this?  Domination is a quality or characteristic which is within oneself.  However, simply having this does not give one the ability to dominate another.  In other words, it takes a great deal more to control someone than just having this quality about oneself.  This is where the masses go awry.  Too many believe that having the natural domination equates to being a master.  It does not.  Mastery, by its very definition, is a study.  It is the acquiring of knowledge and expertise.  In other words, it takes years of practice to fully evolve to the point where one can adequately own another.

To truly own another, it takes an incredible amount of control.  Now most are going to jump to the conclusion of controlling the other.  That is not the starting point.  To own someone else, one must first be able to control himself.  This is done through the understanding of oneself.  Studies of the ancient disciplines could uncover a great deal.  So could psychology and other personal development genres.  Depending upon how one wants to structure a relationship, perhaps understanding of certain financial principles is necessary (like spend less than you earn).  Finally, the ability to listen, process information, and make decisive choices is also paramount.  I can add to the list but you get the point.  It takes a lot to become a "dominant".

Therefore, if we apply this standard to all those people online, how do you think the numbers would look then?  My conclusion is the field gets narrowed down a great deal.  And this is why I am certain there are so many worthwhile subs/slaves who are unowned or not in the relationship they desire in spite of the hundreds of emails they receive.  Almost all of them are worth nothing.  They are from people who are pretending to be something they are not.

The Search

The profile that grabbed my attention which motivated this post was written with the submissive in mind.  It was a basic outline of how to deal with dominants online.  The writer mentioned the numbers (or similar) as to what I wrote here.  In short, he or she was pointing out that there is a 90% chance that the dominant that one is interacting with is not real.  Therefore, if he does something that makes you question or raises your flags, then let him go.  There is only a minimal chance he was real to start based upon the percentages.  And along this line of thinking, I agree.  It is pointless to be attached to someone who is not real.  This scenario only creates misery and pain.  It is best to let the person go when the warning signs are there.  We all heard the horror stories about how badly things can turn out.  Rape, assault, and even worse are all scenarios we hear about on occasion.  It is imperative that a sub/slave always protect herself.

However, even with that, I will offer up a differing point from what was written.  Please bear in mind I agree with the premise and the overall view that was expressed.  What I am going to uncover requires navigating a fine line for which there is no clear model to follow.  Nevertheless, I feel it important for one to consider this when making a decision whether to cut a potential dominant lose or not.

Here is my question:  what if he is real and genuine?  While the odds are stacked against one, what if this individual is in the 10% that I mentioned.  If the person is real, perhaps cutting him lose is the wrong move.  Sure, there might be something which makes one unsure and caution is a good thing.  However, how many times is one acting based upon past experiences which did not work out well.  It is easy to have a prejudicial view when one dealt with 4 or 5 fakes consecutively.  Yet, is this person grasping at reality or simply implementing her viewpoint upon the situation?

I will answer this question simply by stating that I have been accused of being fake and a pretender.  There are submissives which I interacted with who felt I was not real.  One even went so far as to accuse me of being married which, if you know my view on that institution, would make you laugh.  What is ironic is these individuals had the link to this blog.  Let's be serious, it is easy to plagiarize a profile by copying and pasting from someone else.  However, the likelihood that I could do this with 600 blog post spread over 5 or 6 years is not great.  Simply reading through 25-50 posts will reveal how I view this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, these women still drew the conclusion that I was a fake and not worthy of interaction.

So was their decision correct?  The answer is possibly.  There is no certainty that we would have been a match and that there was any compatibility.  It takes a lot more for a successful BDSM relationship than just one person being dominant and another submissive.  However, these individuals simply nixed any potential based upon conclusions in their minds which were incorrect.  A decision such as this means that one is stuck having to continue the search when what she is seeking was right in front of her.

Therefore, when one tosses aside a potentially good candidate, she is limiting her possibilities severely.  When we look at the true numbers, it is easy to conclude that the number of true dominants far out number the submissives.  Sure, there are a lot more pic gatherers, sex only, abusers, con artists, and liars which skew the numbers.  However, how many really are interested in dealing with these types?  Thus, if the numbers are so stacked against you (presuming you are one who wants something real), then you might want to think twice about simply casting that dominant aside simply because he doesn't seem real.  I grant there is a 90% chance he is not yet there is still a 10% chance he is.  Perhaps further investigation is required.

My regular readers know that I value safety as one of the main concerns a dominant has.  I also believe that submissives have to take care of themselves especially when unowned.  Safety is personal and one cannot abdicate that responsibility to someone she is unsure of.  It simply is not prudent to do this.  When searching, great care is required.  However, it needs to be balanced with the idea that you do not have all the answers and it is impossible to size someone up from a few emails or im conversations.  Caution is always required.  Yet some leeway is also a good thing.  It is easy to misinterpret things, especially online.  Our modern communication methods are wonderful yet it is often difficult to interpret meaning via text.  Much is lost when one does not have the advantage of inflection.  That is why I always advocate moving to traditional communication methods (telephone or face-to-face) when one feels it safe and appropriate.

In conclusion, I want people to take heed of the message I am delivering today.  It is a difficult road to navigate when dealing online.  There is so much garbage out there that we are sifting through the landfill with tweezers.  Prudence is required at all times.  Nevertheless, if you are seeking a true BDSM relationship and something that is lasting/deep with someone, then you are going to have to consider every possibility.  We are looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.  Please do not misunderstand me and think I am telling you to lower your standards or alter what you seek.  I am not.  What I am saying is be slow to discount someone as a fake or pretender unless it is real obvious.  The numbers simply mandate this.  It appears that dominants are not a dime a dozen (neither are slaves but that is for another post).  To throw yourself back into the online BDSM mess without careful consideration of what you are interacting with could mean your search is prolonged a great deal longer.

One final thought which sticks out in my mind.  There is one interaction which I still carry with me.  This individual was experienced in the lifestyle yet discounted me as a fake.  As I stated earlier, this blog was available to her.  Her experience was she had 3 "masters' who really did a number on her.  She really had a rough go of it and did have every reason to be cautious.  These individuals did things which I never would dream of.  Yet she decided to call me a fake and discount me simply because I did not utilize her method of verification.  Hence, she will continue in the same cycle most likely sifting through a ton of emails from the game players we all know and despise.  And, sadly, if she gets into another BDSM relationship, the odds are she will find herself another creep.  Again, the statistics are what lead to this conclusion.  A lack of compatibility might have killed any interaction we had......or it might not....she will never know.

DN 

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July 19, 2014

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Sabotaging Oneself Through Fear


"Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

This is one of the most famous lines ever uttered.  Most people around the world, in the Western Countries at least, have heard the immortal word of President Roosevelt in his inaugural address in the early 1930s.  When you consider what the United States (and the world for that matter) was suffering from, the Great Depression, this was a bold statement.  Basically he was telling everyone that, while conditions were undeniably bad, the fact that people were fearful was engaging in a belief system which would further compound the problem.  Fear is a powerful weapon and Roosevelt knew this.  

Imaginary

The problem with fear is that it does not exist.  What you say?  How can fear not exist?  It is something that we experience almost on a daily basis?  Sadly, this is what most people believe.  Fear is not something we experience but, rather, what we create.  It is an illusion of the mind.  Nothing concrete is present when we experience fear.  It is an irrational emotional creation meant to prohibit us from moving forward in some manner.  Ultimately, fear paralyzes and destroys.

Before going any further, I must explain some things about fear.  Fear is a natural occurrence in the body.  It is part of the defense mechanism designed to keep us safe.  This is evident in the "fight or flight" response when one is placed in a dangerous situation.  In this case, the physical manifestation is realized through the heightening of senses, increased adrenaline, and an overall feeling of power.  Naturally, this is useful if we are in a situation where physical danger exists.  Our ancestors used this in the primitive days when attacked by wild animals.  When encountering a bear, it is helpful to have all the assistance from within you can get.  In this instance, flight would most likely be the better option.  Either way, fear is a helpful and useful quality.

However, we need to compare this to what most of us conjure up in our minds.  We do not encounter circumstances like this on a daily basis.  Instead, we fear a host of things which might or might not come true.  Look at some of the common fears people experience: fear of failure, rejection, public speaking, commitment, loss, embarrassment, and death.  Notice I said might or might not happen.  We truly have no way of knowing what we fear is going to materialize (more on this in a second).  A truth about life is that we do not know what is going to happen in the future whether we are looking 10 minutes from now or 10 years.  We can project all we want, the fact remains it is nothing more than a creation of our imagination.  As Roosevelt was saying, ultimately there is nothing there.

The Past Moving Into The Future

We are a sum total of all our experiences.  Everything that occurred in your life up to this moment became a part of you.  It is present within you right now.  People have both conscious and subconscious memories.  The problem with this is that we tend not to forget.  Therefore, when we experience something we view as painful, we begin to look for ways to avoid that in the future.  Our minds starts to link up similarities in our present situation with something in the past and focuses upon the emotions realized that time.  Of course, simply because there are similarities does not mean this situation is the same.  In fact, it is impossible for any two situations in our lives to be identical.  One reason for this is because, over time, we change.  Another is that situations tend to involve different people and, as we know, no two people are alike.

Hence, what happens is people take their past and move it into the present thus affecting future decisions.  This might seem like a mouthful but when you see it in practice, clarity is easy to attain.  Take as an example online interaction.  We all know the game players, fakes, and con games that occur within the online BDSM world.  The antics of so many is legendary and well publicized.  I believe these people are very good at what they do and none of us is exempt from encountering (and falling for) their games.  In other words, we all were burnt by them in one way or another.  And, as we all know, getting burnt hurts us.  In this instance, the pain is emotional.

So what happens when after one gets torched by these individuals.  Suppose you have a sub who thought she found a real life dom and was establishing something concrete only to find out he misled her (maybe he disappears or is married or a host of other things)?  Obviously, after she gets past the pain of being crushed, she is going to be gun shy the next time she starts down a similar path with another dominant.  Her senses are going to be awakened and she will be looking for him to do things that are in alignment with a liar.  In other words, she is going to be closed off.

Before I go any further, I will say that I am by no means advocating that anyone go blindly or foolishly into any type of BDSM interaction.  Safety and caution are paramount.  There are a lot of dangerous individuals who are more than willing to harm someone emotionally and physically.  The BDSM world is full of abusers hiding under the guise of the lifestyle.  So prudence is always required.

Getting back to our sub, her past experience(s) with a BDSM interaction resulted in pain.  Now, when she is heading down the path again, her mind conjures up the previous situation and matches up the similarities.  Hence, since BDSM relationships, and the people in them, tend to mirror each other, the mind finds a great deal that is identical.  Therefore, it reaches the easy conclusion that pain is going to result.  Remember, it is taking the past and moving it into the present to affect future decisions.  In short, our subbie is going to be looking for all those areas which can cause pain.

 We Get What We Focus Upon

One of the things that I found true in life is that we get what we focus upon.  This is a belief that was passed down through the centuries.  Whether you believe in the law of attraction, the power of focus, or karma, the simple truth is where we concentrate our thoughts, results occur.  When we place emotional attention to an idea, it has a way of manifesting itself or becoming a reality.  The difficult part is that this applies equally if the idea is positive or negative.

How does this apply to what we are discussing?  As you can imagine, when one is in a state of fear, the emotional charge is high.  At the same time, the focus is not on something positive but, rather, what can go wrong.  In this state, we are simply looking for the proverbial shoe to drop.  We know it is only a matter of time.

Relating this back to our subbie, let us examine how she could behave.  Remember, she was torched in her last BDSM interaction so there is still some fresh pain there.  As she progresses with a new dominant, obviously a foundation component that is necessary is trust.  Well, let me ask you, do you think her level of trusting is going to be high?  Of course not.  Therefore, he is going to have to work extra hard to earn it.  So be it, that is par for the course.  However, what is also taking place is that she is looking for areas where he will "slip up".  What I mean by this is that her fear of dealing with a pretender or liar is going to cause her to focus upon those areas where he is lying.  Any difference between what is in her mind and what he says/does is instantly chalked up to the idea that he is fake.  But is this really the case?  In some instances it might be and that is why I caution everyone about entering into things blindly.  However, there are other realities that must always be considered.  Miscommunication occurs in every relationship no matter how deep two people go.  It simply is impossible to be clear with each other in every instance.  At the same time, we each have individual perceptions.  Often one person will say something that the other takes a particular way which is in direct opposite of what was meant.  Again, this ties into miscommunication.  People often are operating on different wave lengths.

So our subbie is looking for him to be a liar.  What do you think she will find with this mindset?  Obviously, she is going to focus upon everything that does not match up in her mind.  Hence, we see a self fulfilling prophecy.  A simple mistake or oversight becomes a lie.  Her level of trust diminishes which further complicates things.  Ultimately, the interaction ends and she posts a note on her profile about how all dominants are liars, fakes, and a**holes.  She created what she feared the most because her underlying fear led her to that conclusion.  She focused upon how this dominant she was dealing with was a fake and that is what she got (we are operating under the presumption that he is NOT a fake and has real intentions with her).  Our minds are very powerful and they can create what we fear most.

I write this based upon my experience.  As I noted earlier, everyone we encounter online, if they are around any length of time, has encountered the slime.  It is unavoidable.  Hence, if it is not dealt with, we all have "baggage" from those experiences.  Personally, I had subs tell me I was a fake, vanilla, married, and an assortment of other things (the vanilla made me laugh...if she only knew my track record with vanilla relationships).  Naturally, I am none of those things and, in terms of the fake, have a blog with 600 posts spelling out my views on this lifestyle.  Alas, the accusations came.  So why was that?  My conclusion is these people were burned and allowed their past interactions (and pain) to enter into their thinking.  Instead of being cautious they replaced it with their fear based conclusion.  Ergo, the interaction ended and they are probably still looking for a dominant.

Like A Puppet

Fear is a terrible master yet so many willingly give that power over.  They are like a puppet at the end of the strings being pulled in whatever direction the master desires.  If the puppet master says sit, they do.  Nothing is within their power.  Listening to fear is the same.  Fear makes us conclude things that might not be present.  When we do this, we make decisions that create results in our lives.  Sadly, these decisions, when caused by fear, are based upon mirages.  It is like an oasis in the desert, there is nothing there.  It is the same with us.  We conclude something and react, following the puppet masters (fear) orders to a tee.

I want you to take a second and consider how this applies in your life.  How many times did you start interacting with someone online (or in real life) and insert fear into it?  Naturally, there are times we get intuitive warnings and these are good to heed.  I want you to look past them and see the number of instances that you sabotaged something because of your fear.  On a daily basis, we see people who are afraid to lose their jobs end up losing their jobs.  We also see people who are so afraid of losing someone that they smother the person and, ultimately, run him or her off.  Perhaps you were one who is similar to the subbie I used as an example.  Have you ever concluded someone you were interacting with to be non-genuine based upon your fears only to wreck that interaction?  If so, you were a puppet run by fear.

One of the greatest fears we have is the fear of the unknown.  People like certainty in their lives.  At the same time, they want to do all they can to avoid pain.  This creates an interesting scenario because it enables the mind to shortcut conclusions in our defense.  However, it is crucial to remember that the mind's number one quest is for certainty thus it looks to maintain the status quo.  Change is something it abhors since that automatically means uncertainty.  Ergo, the mind will do whatever it can to stop you from taking action and moving into an state of uncertainty.  That is why you hesitate to contact that dominant or submissive who you are attracted to.  It is also why you resist opening yourself up (which could cause potential pain) and opting to keep another (others) out.  The aforementioned example happens on a daily basis sabotaging countless potential relationships.  Therefore, the mind paralyzes us from taking action by instilling fear in us.  This happens in all areas of our lives and BDSM is no different.

Therefore, it is up to you to understand what is going on and how to break it.  As Tony Robbins like to say, "the past does not equal the future".  It does not matter what happened in your past BDSM interactions.  Yes, I am sure you have horror stories as we all do.  Some are worse than others but the net result is the same...we felt pain.  However, just because your last one, two, or 50 BDSM relationships were crap, that does not mean the person you are presently interacting with will end the same.  Ultimately, there are plenty of good people out there (both dominant and submissive) who want something genuine.  It is just a matter of finding them.  I will admit they are not plentiful in number and that is why, if you have someone real, it is best not to sabotage it with your own fears.  This is a lesson you can apply to all areas of your life.

One final thought:  it is a fine line between being safe/cautious and allowing fear to sabotage what is transpiring.  The BDSM world is filled with people who are ill intentioned.  I would be remiss if I did not remind everyone to be careful.  However, taking caution is smart yet allowing fear, especially in those situations where physical danger is not present, to take over is a recipe for disaster.  The net result tends to lead to loneliness and not being fulfilled.

Always remember, it is a risk getting out of bed in the morning.

 DN

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July 5, 2014

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Camming and Trust


I am taking a bit of a reprieve from my self imposed moratorium to put up this post.  It is something that I just came across and could be something that many others are finding to be the case.

We all know the scammers, pretenders, and con artists are prevalent online.  The BDSM world is full of these clowns.  It is one of the main reasons I started this blog so many years ago.  Sadly, no matter what is done, they will continue to exist while causing great damage in their wake.  It is the reality of our life in this medium.

That being said, one of the biggest scams out there against dominant men is the "cam scam".  This is where profiles are established with the intention of luring dominants into a cam show.  Basically, it becomes some type of pay as you go situation where a credit card or Paypal account number is given (and the account drained) to look at someone play with herself for a few minutes.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with cam shows if that is your thing and are willing to pay for it.  However, the problem arises in the fact that most who are lured in this way are unaware of what is happening. Hence the dishonesty and scamming of it all.

Another thing is that many people prefer to use cam as a means of verification of another.  While I can understand this practice, since it is hard to photoshop yourself on cam, that does not mean that people who do not cam are hiding something.  Personally, I do not cam.  This is not something I do.  I have no interest in seeing someone on cam playing with herself or simply talking.  My computers are not set up for it (if they are, I dont know how to use them).  In this sense, I am still one in the stone age if you will.  Hell, I probably should learn the medium since I would then be able to record some video blogs instead of just writing (Tony Robbins, here I come).

What this ultimately comes down to is trust.  Obviously, we all were taken for a ride in one way or another if we are around online BDSM for any length of time.  The liars and cheats out there are most commonplace than those seeking something real.  It is sad that this is our reality but it seems like it is not going to change so we should accept it.  Of course, whenever we are caught up in this situation with one of these individuals, pain is the result.  People are hurt emotionally, financially, and even physically.  It is really startling to hear some of the stories shared about what people endured.  They are truly heartbreaking while also getting one's blood boiling.  As a dominant, I, at times, want to hunt of these so-called "doms/masters" down and tie them to a bench for a few hours and allow my sadistic side to emerge.  It is truly sickening to see what some people (read abusers) do under the guise of BDSM .. Nevertheless, we know the pain that is left behind is real and can be deep.

The problem with this is that it affects one's ability to trust.  My experience is that, as one who is suited for BDSM, I really have no other choice.  The bottom line is that my life did not go very well in the vanilla "dating" scene.  Every relationship I was in was a total train wreck.  That is what happens when a square peg is tried to put in a round hole.  I found a home in BDSM, warts and all.  Therefore, even though it is a pain in the ass at times (most times) and a struggle to find those that meet my criteria, it is the only game in town for me.  What am I going to do, head over the eharmony?  I know how that would end up based upon my experience.  Not good.

So where does this leave me?  It puts me in the same boat as everyone else who met up with those situations which cause pain.  I must move on.  Getting back into the chaos that is the online BDSM world is not easy but a necessary step.  This is our mechanism for meeting people.  Yes we are dealing with the proverbial "needle in the haystack" with the hopes of finding someone genuine.  They are out there it just takes a ton of effort.  Another thing that is also required is trust.  Somehow, we need to rebuild this.  Naturally, this does not mean we take every email as gospel and that everyone is for real.  They are not.  We know the percentages and 90% of them are not in our favor.  We need to be ever mindful of this fact.  However, that does not mean everyone we come across is a liar, scammer, cheat, or swindler.  There are a great number of genuine people seeking the same as you.  Unfortunately, it requires both of you letting your guard down enough to see what can arise out of your interaction.  Again, this does not mean dive in blindly but set aside the pain of being burnt enough to see if there is any worth to the individual you are interacting with.  Even if the last 7 people you emailed/chatted/spoke with were total buttheads, that does not mean the 8th will not be your Prince Charming.  You just never know.

And do not presume just because that other individual does not cam, that he or she is a fake, liar, scammer, or cheater.  Some might simply not use that medium with there Skype, Yahoo, or Googletalk.  Just because that might be your experience in the past, that does not mean it is so in every case.  And what is sad is that your fear is causing you to walk away from someone who might have some potential for you.  You just never know.

As always be careful out there.

DN  

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June 24, 2014

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Vulnerablility....A Key To Success


I want to thank all my regular readers for all your support throughout the years.  At this time, I especially want to give special recognition to those who took the time to email me while expressing how much my words touched them.  It is actions like that which allow me to proceed forward and attempt to put forth worthwhile information about this lifestyle that so many of us love dearly.

Over the years, I wrote numerous times for one to turn to her dom/master when weak.  One of the wonderful aspects of a BDSM relationship is that one is able to tap into the power of another when she is lacking.  During that time period, I was asked repeatedly what I do when I am weakened.  I never answered that question until now.  My solution is to turn within myself and go deeper.  It is my core where I find the strength I need to persevere.

At this time, I need to take a sabbatical and turn inward.  It is the only way I know to get my juice up after being drained.  My goal was always to give the best to my readers, whether there was only a single follower or 100,000.   As it stands now, I cannot do that.  Thus, I will be offline for a while delving deeper within myself to find out what is there.  I am not certain how long this will last, it might be a few weeks or it could be months.  What I can tell you is that I will share whatever breakthroughs I have when I do return to writing here.  In the meantime, I will do my best to leave you with a powerful post.

Bitch Slapped

Make no mistake, most all of us were bitch slapped. What do I mean by this?  There are few of us within this lifestyle who have not endured with heartbreak and misery.  Anyone who did anything online is apt to have met the "ideal" dom or sub only to find they disappeared after only a few weeks.  Or, how about the one who said all the right things to lure us in (emotionally as well as physically) only to turn out to be a total d**kbag?  We can have such high hopes only to witness them come crashing down upon us.  Unfortunately, this is part of the deal and we cannot avoid it.

Another simple fact is that this pain and misery is so well-known to us because it was what brought us to BDSM to start with.  Let us be clear, if we were successful in the vanilla world, the search into BDSM most likely would never started.  It was only through the pain of failed marriages or other relationships which open up our eyes to the fact that there might be something else out there for us.  I encountered many over the years who spent decades in a marriage only to conclude that he or she was completely unfulfilled.  Society said this was the path to happiness yet it was fleeting for that individual.  Ultimately, what started as the "happiest day of his/her life" turned into a total nightmare.  In the moment, this created a great deal of pain.  However, like many things in life, this travesty was turned into a positive by setting one on a path which was better aligned for that person.  And that path, my friends, is BDSM.

Which brings up the another source of crushing pain.  What happens when one finds his/her one within the lifestyle, and suddenly it is gone.  This can come in many different forms which model the vanilla world.  There is death, divorce (for those who marry their doms/subs), and good ole fashioned breakups.  What really sucks about these situations is that, as I consistently write about, BDSM relationships have the possibility of reaching depths which far exceed most of what is experienced in the vanilla world.  Hence, since we are talking about something that reaches the core of our being, the pain tends to be much worse.  Also, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub/slave comes to depend upon her dom/master for all while he turns to her for the emotional and psychological strength.  When that is gone, there is a major hole for both of them.  Sadly, rarely is it an agreed upon situation and one is left with the feeling of being rejected, cast aside, and with a beaten self worth.  Naturally, the longer and/or the more intense the relationship, the worse the emotional crush is.

Risk

I bring these points up to highlight the fact that none of us are unique in our experience here.  Almost everyone in BDSM felt the pain of a breakup.  Those who are depth seekers understand how much more emotional charged everything is with this type of relationship.  Ultimately, when ending, those feelings are also magnified.

So what does this all mean?  It is interesting to note how people deal with pain and the results of loss.  There is a common mourning process of course yet there are still major differences of how people behave thereafter.  One thing I do want to point out that life is about risk.  Driving our car is a risky proposition (especially in Florida when the snowbirds are down).  People fall in the bathtub all the time.  Hell, even getting out of bed contains a degree of risk to it.  Nothing we do in life is 100% safe.  There is always a chance we will get hurt in some way.

If this is the case, then why do we do it?  Well, using the bathtub as an example, there is a payoff for successful navigating that situation.  While there is a chance of a slip and fall, the thought of going days or weeks without bathing is too much.  There is a benefit for having good body hygiene.  Looking at driving, obviously we can forgo the car and walk or bike everywhere.  However, this involves risk (I know someone who was recently killed while riding on a bike path when a car lost control and swerved into him).  Plus, the idea of making a couple hundred mile trip (or even a 5 miles trip) on a bicycle means considerably more time than making it in a car.  Hence, most everyone drives in lieu of the risks associated with it.

One of the things I know about life is that it is guaranteed you will not hit the target with every shot you do NOT take.  No matter how good you are, how much you prepare, if you do not fire the gun, shoot the arrow, or pull back the slingshot, it is impossible to successfully hit what you are aiming at.  Sure, when you fire you might miss but isn't that the same result you get when you fail to take the shot?  I think you will agree that it is.

Vulnerability

Past experiences make us who we are today.  Unfortunately, this applies equally for both the good and the bad experiences.  What is sad is that few are able to take the negative experiences and turn them into a positive.  Instead, they carry with them the pain of the past which interrupts (negatively) their present.  How many times have we sabotaged something wonderful because of the pain associated with something similar from the past?  This is a common reaction especially if one was bitch slapped a number of times as most of us in BDSM were.  Closing off or shutting down is commonplace.

In short, people do not like to be vulnerable.  Because of past pain, they do whatever they can to protect themselves from being hurt again.  While I am all for safety and being sensible in our decisions, especially with so many predators and pretenders out there, there is a point where, when we find something true, we should open up.  This is extremely difficult for so many.  It quickly exits their comfort zone.  Hence, the person is very slow to remove those walls he or she erected.  These are safety mechanisms installed to fend off pain.  With these walls up, we are not as vulnerable as we might be if we let them down.

A BDSM relationship is about depth.  This is nothing new to my regular readers.  However, I am here to tell you straight up, depth involves risk.  If you are going to have a deep BDSM relationship, you will HAVE TO make yourself vulnerable.  There is no other way.  Open oneself up is a scary thought and the mind instantly places fear in the way.  However, following this thought process will only lead to the shallow.  We see so many in our day-to-day lives who are so wrapped up in fear that they miss the wonders of life.  Yes there is risk in making oneself vulnerable but that is where the payoff is.  If you truly want magical in your BDSM relationship, you are going to have to open up and put everything out there to that other person.  And yes, you are exposing yourself to a great deal of pain.  It is true that when you let go and free fall, you might end up splattered all over the ground.  However, there is also a chance you might find that there is someone at the bottom who catches you.

Since most all of us found ourselves in the position where we experienced a great deal of emotional pain from making ourselves vulnerable in some way, it also stands to reason that the same people find themselves at a crossroad at some point.  To give or not to.  Do I open myself up and expose myself to pain again?  Or do I close off while keeping those walls erected to protect myself from what I experienced before?  Well, the answer to these questions lies in the simple question: do you want something deep or are you content to reside in the shallow?  Remember, you cannot have depth in a BDSM relationship without making yourself vulnerable.  It is impossible.  In fact, being vulnerable to one's partner is one of the major keys for relationship success (yes it works both ways so do not think it is the subs only making themselves vulnerable). 

So back to the choice:  do you remain closed and shut down or open yourself up while being willing to free fall in hopes that a crash is not the outcome?  Personally, I found those who live life, truly live, have the willingness to put themselves out there to get the payoff.  Those who go through life in a conservative, closed off manner, end up with little.  Life simply is not geared that way.  My experience is that you will never find bliss being closed off, only regret.  Ironically, the quest to avoid pain ultimately creates more pain.  Remember this the next time you feel yourself shutting down emotionally, especially with your BDSM partner.

And with that, it is time for me to get on my high dive and do the free fall within myself to see what I can uncover.  I will see you again when I re-emerge.  Be safe out there and keep the pretenders in line while I am gone.

DN 

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June 21, 2014

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Perfect Master?


Perfectionism is an ideal and one that is unattainable.  It is a state of mind which truly does NOT exist in the physical world.  Everything, especially people, are flawed.  They have good points and bad ones.  There is always something that someone can improve or change.  Life is really a never ending agenda of us bettering ourselves.  That is why the "educational" process continues until the day we die.

Too many seem to believe the perfect master exists out there.  In reading profiles as I scour the web, I realized that there is a segment of the BDSM population seeking perfection.  This creates a problem since they are realistically chasing after a ghost.  Figments of the imagination are never fulfilled since they are illusions.  Waiting for the perfect master to come along is an exercise in futility.  That is probably why so many are miserable.

Hopefully, when you are done reading this, you will have a different viewpoint.

What Do You Want?

Those who regularly read my writings know that everything in the BDSM world begins with the inner search.  To start the process, one needs to ask what he or she wants.  It is common for newer people to be like the proverbial "kids in a candy store" seeing all possibilities are feasible while not knowing which direction to go in.  It is a basic fact that when no choices are eliminated, overwhelm is likely.  The vanilla world does the filtering for us by having its lists of dos and do nots.  BDSM is not that way.  We have to self-filter since creating a relationship however you want it structured (and containing whatever you desire in it) is the norm.

Therefore, we must kick start things by determining what it is that you want.  What are the qualities or traits you desire?  You can start with the physical attributes and move from there.  Many people seem to feel that focusing at this level is rather shallow.  While much of my writing has to do with depth, I am the first to admit that some type of physical attraction needs to exist for a relationship to excel.  Certainly, one does not need to hold out for a super model type (or perhaps he or she does).  However, most of us are visually stimulated in some way thus desiring one who physically appeals to us.

Hence we assemble a list of what is the perfect master for us (this works for slaves also):

Just off the top of my head, this is what he might look like.

-Handsome with a captivating voice.
-Body in great physical condition
-Knowledgeable in all type of BDSM play.
-Caring and compassionate
-Firm and strict when he needs to be
-A great dresser
-Honest but judicious in what he says
-Marvelously funny
-Money oozing out of every pore
-A great conversationalist exhibiting intelligence in a wide range of areas.
-Courageous in all situations.
-Humble and down to earth.
-Attentive while remaining focused upon what is important.
-A leader who continually plans the course of your life together.
-The ability to make his slave feel like she is at the center of the universe.
-A strong jaw
-Sex drive that would make a porn start blush with the equipment to fulfill it.
-Loves NASCAR (or hates NASCAR)..whichever applies
-And finally, a butt that can crack a walnut.

How do you feel about this list?  Did I miss much?  This gives us a good basis upon which to find out perfect master.  However, as I stated above, this is an illusion.  So what do we do?

Ideal Master

Instead of seeking out the perfect master, it is best for one to look for the ideal master.  Now, this brings up the question what the heck is an ideal master?   Basically, an ideal master is one who hits many of the traits listed in her perfect master list (above in our example).  In short, it is the ideal person for that particular slave.  It is always important to remember we are talking about a relationship, hence compatibility is important.  So many over look this simple concept.  If two people do not align in their likes and dislikes, long term success in their relationship usually is not going to occur.

Getting back to the topic, one must search out the person who is ideal for her.  As we all know, this can take some time and effort.  Rarely do we hit upon the person at the first attempt.  To use another cliche, we need to kiss a lot of frogs before we find the prince.  Nevertheless, if one has an idea about what she seeks initially, she can eliminate a host of mistakes (i.e. pretenders and fakes) right off the bat.  Many of the qualities she seeks will not be present upon initial contact.  In this instance, simply move on.

Another aspect of the ideal master concept is that eliminating perfection from the equation is fundamental to long term success in a relationship.  Too many are shocked when the fairy tale is burst via reality hitting.  When one puts a master (or any other human) on a pedestal, he or she apt to experience disappointment.  The universal truth is people are flawed including masters.  Mistakes are made.  Sadly, our slave is crushed when she realizes her master actually farts, makes mistakes, has a temper, or can be a bit pissy at times.  Remember, he is not perfect no matter how much he acts it online.  The most likely scenario is whatever flaws exist within you are also contained in him.  People are people no matter what side of the power exchange coin they fall.

Focus upon this and I believe you will have greater success in the BDSM world.  Give up the idea of perfection and seek someone who is ideal for you.  Keep in mind what is ideal for one is not the case for another.  We all have different needs and desires which not everyone can fulfill.  Focus upon what is within your core while being important to you.  There is someone out there who will match up with you on most of the things you hold dear.  However, there are also a ton of people who are a mismatch and best avoided unless you desire the experience of pain (the kind even the painsluts detest).

As always, be safe out there.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

June 19, 2014

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Stupid Dominant Bulls**t


I figured I would write a post about something that I see far too often yet is so common that it appears to be "the way things are".   It is really sad that so many exist with this mindset.  Also, my conclusion is that the idiots seem to be passing this stupidity around like a virus.  Hopefully, some will read this and begin to understand how asinine what is taking place truly is.

Two-Way Street

BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!
BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!
BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET!!!!!

Did you get that?  I will write it again for all you dominants/masters out there who might be a bit slow in the mental department.  BDSM RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO WAY STREET!!!  Do you understand what that truly means?  Far too many dominants seem to think that a BDSM relationship is all about them.  It is not.  Just by its definition, a relationship entails two people both who have needs and expectations which are to be met.  As you can guess, this simple fact eludes so many in the BDSM world.  If you would like to have a serious BDSM relationship, it is to your benefit to take note of what I am going to write here.

Before going any further, I will state that a central premise about success in the BDSM world in terms of relationships is contained in the idea of caring.  It helps if you care about the other person.  The tendency, from my experience, is to look at a submissive as something less than.  Many dominants feel that a submissive is beneath them, ergo one to be treated as he sees fit.  While this is within the realm of his authority, it is a very bad approach. 

Fulfillment

Have you ever considered why a submissive person enters the world of BDSM?  Take a moment to think about that.  Why would anyone deal with the garbage that is online and go through the b.s of dealing with a ton of ignorant emails?  Sure, some are total masochists but even the pain sluts detest this part of the lifestyle.  And contrary to what some believe, a submissive does not enter BDSM because she had no options in the vanilla world.  In fact, as most decent minded people know, it is far easier for a female to get laid than a male on average.  Hence, there must be another reason why she puts up with all the bullcrap we see online.

The answer lies in the concept of fulfillment.  Almost everyone who enters the BDSM world does so because they were unfulfilled in the vanilla world.  We found relationships of this sort leaving a void within us.  Even when we were involved with someone who was "cool", the relationship ended.  Why did this happen?  Quite simple the relationship did not fill an inner need within that person.

Therefore, and this is important, always remember that a sub/slave entered the BDSM world to be fulfilled.  Since she found the vanilla world lacking, her choice to align herself with a lifestyle which better matches her core is a step forward.  However, this is not the end of it.  Simply being involved in BDSM is not enough.  She seeks to find that person who will fulfill her.  Yes, believe it or not, even the most outlandish slave seeks fulfillment.  This fundamental fact is overlooked by the majority of dominants to their own detriment.  If a relationship is going to enjoy long-term success, her needs MUST be met.  Failure to do so WILL result in the ending of the relationship if your sub/slave has any self worth whatsoever.

What You Can Do For Her

 I am going to write something that will blow most readers minds based upon the mindset out there.  Yet, this idea is critical for all to grasp.

A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!
A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!
 A sub/slave is with you because of what you can do for her!!!

I again wrote it three times for those who are learning impaired.  A slave is not entering into a relationship with you so that she can serve your sexual needs and be put in the corner.  She is not there to be used without regard to what she needs.  Her fulfillment does not come solely from serving you or waiting on you hand and foot.  People who think this are self-absorbed fools.  A slave is a person with needs that are to be met if she is to be fulfilled and, many doms will be floored by this,  your domination is enough to meet that end.

So, the question is what can you do for your slave?  Why should she even entertain being with you another second?  Do you fulfill her?  Are you even aware of what she requires to attain fulfillment (probably not)?  What needs of hers are you not meeting?

The answers to these questions are of great importance.  Before going any further, I must state that these questions have nothing to do with sex.  I talked with enough women over the years to know that, trust me, your cum does not taste all that magical.  Nor is your c**k that overly impressive even if you are hung like John Holmes.  A slave requires a lot more than you filling her with your man juice and then having her cook dinner. Just having her serve you without regard of what you give her is a recipe for having her exit the relationship at some point.  This happens everyday yet so many are foolish enough to think that it will not happen to them.

What Does She Want?

This brings us to the next question: what does she want?  Obviously, this is going to vary from person-to-person.  Nevertheless, there are some basic traits which all submissives want stroked if they are going to be fulfilled.  Naturally, the best approach is not to deal in generalities but to actually talk to your slave and ask her what she needs.  By doing this, you actually accomplish a great deal since you showed you actually care.

Slaves are human.  They are people.  Their feelings are the same as everyone else out there.  Showing her you care goes a long way to her being fulfilled.  Everyone wants to feel valued.  No matter what the kink or how your relationship is structured, she wants to know that you value what she does.  At the same time, it is a cold, hard world out there.  A slave wants to know she is protected.  The very act of submission makes one extremely vulnerable.  This means that not only does she need protection from the outside world but also from the one who has entered her psyche (if you are capable of doing that).  She needs to know, deep down, that you are not going to take her trust and turn it around on her.  It is common for a slave to have suffered greatly in her life at the hands of parents, boyfriends, and husbands.  This leads to one having the proverbial baggage which a dominant must help her unload.  This requires open communication to allow her to share the pain in an effort to get past it.  Unfortunately, too many dominants take this information and use it to degrade her which is not healthy.  This will only cause her to close off even more (if she even stays).

A slave also needs to grow.  It is a central part of nature that something is either in the growth or the dying stage.  There is no in between.  As humans, through education, experience, and expansion, we have the ability to continually grow until the last breath leaves our bodies. A slave is no different.  She looks to her master to assist in helping her grow.  Of course, for this to equal success in BDSM, the master needs to ensure he is growing or face the reality that his slave outgrew him.  This is a viewpoint that many cannot confront hence why they try to stifle what they own.  This is unhealthy on so many different levels.  If you are too lazy or inept to maintain your own expansion as a master, then you do not belong in the position of ownership.  With power comes responsibility.  A true master does not operate from the do as I say perspective but, rather, from one of leadership.  He takes charge, rushes to the front of the line, and expects his slave to follow. 

In short, a dom/master has one battle on his hands:  he is pitted face-to-face with her fears.  This is his enemy and the one that he needs to stamp out.  Because of past experiences, many which are negative, a slave's mind will erect a host of barriers to protect herself.  The mind always wants the status quo and fear is the tool used to maintain it.  These fears prohibit growth and closeness.  They cause one to shut down.  Ultimately, this a cancer which eats away at her and the relationship.  Therefore, a dominant needs to exhibit strength and patience to stand in there and fight this battle.  His slave wants to give all of herself yet she is incapable with fear running through her.  The removal of this is a master's greatest challenge but also the key to unlocking all that is within her.  If you truly want to dominate another, forget the strapping her to the bed and using her holes until you cum; that is child's play.  True domination is the ability to help her face her fears head on and get past them.   Too many succumb to the desire to run.  A master does not allow this.  Instead, he allows her to tap into his strength and get past what is blocking her.  This requires the true art of mastery because the last thing she wants to do is deal with this issue.  However, it is also where the growth opportunities lie.

Stupid Dominant Bulls**t

In closing, I will state that the idea that a slave's happiness comes from her master being happy is total bulls**t.  Anyone who believes this is a total fool.  This is online garbage at its finest.  Any submissive who sees this written by a dominant needs to run the other way.  This is an example that you are dealing with someone completely clueless.  A BDSM relationship is NOT a one-way street.  Each person enters the relationship with needs and desires which MUST be met.  Uncovering these needs is vitally important if any long-term success is to result.

One final note, please understand the difference between what she needs and what she will do.  Just because she will hang from the ceiling fan while you allow your friends to use her, that does not mean her needs are being met.  Too many question a perspective sub/slave about what she will do (sexually) without considering what her needs are.  Take some of those questions I wrote above and ask them to her.  I guarantee you will instantly separate from the other so called dominants she is chatting with (and yes she is chatting with others).

To all, as always, be safe.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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June 17, 2014

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Protocol: Does It Match?


Today I am going to cover a simple topic but one that impacts BDSM relationships everyday.  The sad part is that this particular issue destroys relationships daily yet few even consider it before entering into an arrangement with another person.  On this one I speak from experience since I did not ponder the possibilities for years.  It is only recently, in chatting with those in relationships where there is a mismatch, that I came to understand the depth of this single topic.


Protocol

Protocol is something that you hear thrown about within the lifestyle but few really take the time to understand what it really means.  Basically, there are both high and low protocol environments in addition to a blending of the two.  Oftentimes, the circumstances dictate which is the appropriate approach although many masters insist upon one or the other in their everyday lives.

In simple terms, high protocol is a extremely rigid environment.  It is one where a sub or slave operates continually under tight standards.  Each action is scripted according to a protocol that is designed for such purposes.  How she enters a room, where she stands, who she interacts with, and a host of other things are all scripted and practiced.  One is expected to know exactly how to behave in each instance.  Clothing and accessories are also covered under this realm. 

The most noted approach within this arena is the Gorean lifestyle based upon the science fiction series written by John Norman in the 1970s.  In his publications, everything is written down with lists explaining everything a slave needs to know.  It even covers the basics of kneeling, how to do it appropriately, and which position is used at what times.    

To excel in this arena requires study by both the master and slave.  For many, it requires years of study to excel in this arena.  This is not a path for those who are unwilling to put in the effort required to attain functionality.  For those who are inclined to follow this direction, it can be a very rewarding choice.

In contrast, as you can guess, low protocol is the exact opposite.  Instead of every action being scripted, one who operates under this outlook is offered more flexibility.  Under such conditions, a sub/slave is given more latitude in how things are done.  Basically, she is issued the desires of the master and it is up to her to determine how it gets accomplished.  At the same time, the interaction with master will be less formal as compared to the high protocol environment.

I must mention that one path is not necessarily better than the other.  In fact, many blend the two protocols together.  There are times when a master/slave will be informal while others, formality is preferred.  This certainly is the case in the presence of other masters and slaves.  That being said, I equate this to the difference between micromanagement verses a more macro approach.  Both can be effective in the right environment with the proper participants.

Individuality

One of the problem with the BDSM community is that too many people feel there is a one size fits all approach.  As I travel around the Internet and chat with subs/slaves, I am stunned at the ignorance on the part of the dominants (not really, nothing they do surprises me).  So many are out there demanding respect and honor (mistake number 1) while automatically assuming that one will fit into his mode of operation.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave needs to be looked at as an individual to determine what her needs are.

As I stated in the open, this is a topic which destroys so many relationships yet people are completely unaware that it takes place.  The basic fact is that someone who is in need of high protocol will not do well with someone who is the exact opposite.  I found the reverse is also true.

I cannot tell you the number of situations I come across where a relationship is falling apart and both parties are totally ignorant as to the cause.  In short, the two people were incompatible with each other on this foundational premise.  They took the proper steps to review what each brought to the table in terms of the domination and submission.  In addition, they might have even taken the step to consider their mutual likes/dislikes outside the bedroom.  However, they did not delve into what each thought about protocol and the needs of each there.

The bottom line is a sub/slave who desires high protocol will be left empty if she receives anything less.  At the same time, take a girl who is suited for a low protocol environment, put her in high protocol, and watch her eyes roll.  She will get bored very easily.  Her core desires a different type of stimulation that is not provided in this approach.

I found a clear indicator is when a slave says something to the effect "my Master never trained me".  This tells me I am talking with one who requires high protocol.  She is in need of being shown and focusing her energy upon protocols which will make him happy.  The fact is that when a master shows/tells a slave what he wants, that is in essence training.  He is teaching her what he expects and desires.  However, this particular slave does not feel she is in service unless living under eye contact restrictions, required to kneel in certain ways at different times, and having her clothing chosen for her.  To her, this is servitude, submission, and being owned.

On the flip side, we see an indication of where someone is in terms of the protocol needed when she posts something such as "I am seeking someone who is able to have a 'vanilla' relationship outside the bedroom".  What this person is saying is she still wants to maintain the proper control outside as well as inside the bedroom.  However, she is not seeking to live a high protocol which many equate to being fully immersed within the lifestyle.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Just because two people understand that we exist within the real world and choose to structure their interactions within that framework, that does not mean they are not immersed in BDSM anymore than someone walking around in leather 24/7 is automatically in the lifestyle.  An individual of this sort wants to interact with her dom/master in a way that does not alert friends and family members to her choice.  Again, I stress that this does not mean the control or power exchange changes one bit.

In closing, I want to emphasize how important it is to resist the notion that one of these approaches is better than the other.  They are not.  Slavery and submission mean different things depending upon the individuals involved.  The central thread is always the exchange of power.  How that manifests in terms of the interaction between the two and what is required for one to feel "owned" will vary.  Some require the high protocol.  As stated, if this individual is involved with someone who is not this, problems will arise.  She will be looking for the "micromanagement" while he is more apt to create a broad outline for her to operate within.  She will grow frustrated with his lack of attention to her "training" while he will get upset about her badgering.  Of course, neither individual is wrong.  It simply is a matter that these two are incompatible with each other on this central matter.  She is better off with a master who is into the high protocol scene and him with someone who excels in a low protocol environment. 

Therefore, in closing, take a look at this concept in your relationship.  Is this a cause of a great deal of turmoil for the both of you?  Perhaps you simply are ill-suited for each other.

DN 

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June 11, 2014

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The "Under Consideration" Game


We see many things which once had meaning now used for the online antics of the pretenders and wannabes.  The BDSM world changed dramatically with the advent of the Internet.  As most of you know, I believe this was a "double-edged" sword.   While it did allow more people access to information about the lifestyle i.e. moving it from underground to more of a mainstream idea, it also gave any fool with a keyboard and a username the ability to do serious harm.  Hence, we are left with a situation that looks like the wild west.

Under Consideration

In the past, slaves feel into one of three categories.  Either she was owned, unowned, or under consideration.  The first two are fairly obvious but the third tends to create some confusion.  Thus, I will do my best to explain it while contrasting this concept with what is occurring online now.

We must start with understanding what the BDSM world was like before the world wide web.  Year ago, when BDSM was underground, the only way to gain entry was to be "sponsored" in.  What this meant is someone had to validate you and basically state that he/she would be responsible for you.  Remember, BDSM was an extremely closed world.  There were no pretenders to deal with since everyone was real.  Gatherings contained only people who were true to the lifestyle.  Advertising of these events was not done with much fanfare other than the placing of a one line ad in a local rag publication.  Hence we had a situation where everyone who was participating was either a slave or master.

I also uncovered over the years the concept that a slave is never truly unowned.  What I mean by this is that she, when not directly owned by someone, was "owned" by the lifestyle.  She served in whatever manner she could, wherever she could.  There was no option of leaving the lifestyle to go vanilla.  Instead, she simply spent time in this state of service until a master took an interest in her.

As you can tell, service is a big part of her makeup.  At these gatherings, the slaves served the masters.  The protocol was very simple and clear cut.  Those who were owned obviously only served their owners but the unowned crowd was responsible to all the masters.  Again, the lifestyle owned them.  There service was expected to any master in whatever capacity was required.  Now remember, everyone involved was real so her "submission" in the service sense was to someone genuine, not a pretender.

Which brings us to the "under consideration" banner.  Where did this fit in?  When one caught the attention of a particular master, she was placed under consideration.  This meant that she was removed from the service of all masters for the duration that she was assigned this status.  During this time period, the master determined if she was going to fit in his house.  If it was a multi-slave household, he might need to consider logistics and personalities.  On the other hand, if no existing slaves, he would ponder how she fit into his life and issues of compatibility.  In other words, it was a form of a courting process.

Once the master made his decision, either she became owned or was placed back into the unowned category and went back to the service of all.  The point is that the reason for this designation was to uncover information about how well she would fit into what he was seeking.  It was a time period meant to reveal what was unknown to him so that he could make an informed decision.  There was no question that he was a master and worthy of her service.  At the same time, her being a slave is never questioned.

Online Games

Which brings us to BDSM in the online world.  As I travel around, I see a number of profiles stating "under consideration" or "under consideration of ___________".  So what is the process that we commonly see within this realm?  Please note it was mentioned above that the under consideration designation was given while one determined if/where a slave fit into his plans.  There was a specific purpose for this move.

As you can guess, the online world engages in a behavior much different.  My research reveals that this is a tactic used by the pretenders as opposed to those who are seeking something real.  Often, the "dominant" starts the process very early on without establishing an acceptable level of trust.  Also, this individual has no clear plan or outline of what he is looking for.  Why is the process taking place?  What does he hope to accomplish?  Does he have an end goal in mind?  What are the criteria he is using to make the decision?  Is it known what will result in being owned versus remaining unowned?

I found out that most have no clue to the answers of any of those questions.  Instead, the dingbats online put the subs/slaves through stupid tricks like a dog.  Based upon the things that submissives were made to do, I can reasonably conclude the dominants are not seeking to learn anything.  The under consideration period is not utilized to learn about the other person and where she will fit in.  Rather, she is assigned tasks like take a picture of yourself masturbating or pull your skirt up at work and show your panties to a co-worker.  While none of these fruitloops never think of the potential ramifications of their actions, what is sad is they are putting one in jeopardy without even owning her.  Of course, it is even sadder that the submissives even listen to this nonsense but they know no other way.

Again, the under consideration period is meant to uncover information about the other person.  To do this, one needs to know what he is seeking.  To determine where a submissive fits requires some attention which is not done by the group that likes to cut/paste messages to hundreds of subs/slaves on a website.

Therefore, if you find that you are dealing with someone who says he is going to put you "under consideration", I would ask a couple questions.

1. What is the time frame that he expects you to remain under this designation?
2. What criteria is he using to base his decision?
3. What is he seeking to learn from you?
4. What is the purpose of each action he is requiring and how does it fit into his overall decision?
5. How does he feel about the area you designate off limits during the consideration period (yes you have the right to designate things off limits such as work..you are not owned at this point)?

BDSM and the interaction, contrary to the idiots' view, is a two way street.  During the under consideration period, it is perfectly acceptable to tell the so-called dominant to go fly a kite.  You are under no obligation to obey all that he says...he is NOT your master as of now.  He needs to impress you as much as you need to impress him.  If he is into nothing more than stupid dog tricks (roll over and show me your panties crap), then ask him flat out what he hopes to learn by you doing that.  If he replies that he is testing your obedience, then ask him when you get to test him on his ability to protect you.  Remember, if he is not willing to honor some of your off limit areas, then how much is he willing to protect you from danger?  Do you really think a dominant who makes you do something at work which could jeopardize your career is really into protecting you?

In closing, the under consideration technique is a wonderful way to learn about another person while removing her from the "marketplace".  In the old days it took her "off the floor".  Now it basically removes a profile from being attacked by most of the sensible doms out there.  However, if you do find the one you are under consideration to is starting with the stupid crap, ask him a few questions and then tell him to get lost.  There is no reason for you to engage in these activities.  The under consideration process should contain legitimate questions which pertain to your potential service to him.  Having a co-worker take a picture of your panties to prove your obedience accomplishes nothing while only putting yourself at risk.  Do not engage in this practice.  Anyone who is real will understand your reasoning. 

DN  

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June 7, 2014

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Slavery...A Negative Connotation


Everything we do is based upon consent.  Let me state that again.:  EVERYTHING we do is  based upon consent.

This is what separates BDSM from a lifestyle of abuse.  BDSM is about the fulfillment of both parties through varies activities which are in accordance to their core.  Although some of the practices look abusive from the outside, they, in fact, when administered properly and under the right conditions, are designed to heighten the experience of the individuals involved.  So, while it looks abusive from the outside (and to the non-knowing), it is really enjoyed by the parties involved. 

Slavery

Slavery is a practice which is rather ironic.  While it is a deplorable practice, non-BDSM slavery that is, it is something that is ever-present.  Mankind, the most advanced animal in the world, is also the most barbaric.  Slavery is something that was always in existence in one form or another.  Throughout history, conquering forces enslaved the population of those they conquered.  This is how kingdoms expanded and empires arose.  Whatever the era in our history, we see slavery as a basis.  Even today, we see its existence in the many forms it takes.

Now, I am not writing this as an endorsement of what occurs  Obviously, we are dealing with a situation which is 100% non-consensual.  Slaves were treated like sub-human creatures in deplorable and unsafe conditions.  However, the point that I am making is simply that this is something that appears to be a condition of mankind.  It also presents the imagery we have in our minds when we think of the terms "slavery".

As you can guess, with such a horrific view of something, why would anyone in their right mind choose to follow that path?  What would make someone willing choose to live as a "slave" when it is one of abuse and terror?  The answer lies in the fact that "slavery" as presented in the BDSM world, is a totally different concept.  While there are similarities to "real-world slavery", the truth is the practice does not really match.

Before going any further, I will point out that on this subject, as most I write about, there is a certain segment of abusers out there who will take everything and twist it for their purposes.  While this is something we need to deal with, the truth is the Internet enables any fool with a keyboard and a username to become whomever he/she wants.  Unfortunately, this opened the pathway for all those who want to simply use and abuse in a hurtful way for their own ends.  These people are no different than those who enslaved in the past.  An abuser is an abuser no matter how he or she is dressed up.

Submission

Everything starts with the identification of a characteristic within oneself to submit.  I am a believer of people going deep within themselves to find their core.  Once this is done, the natural traits of domination and submission are recognized.  This is something that is discovered or uncovered within oneself.  It is an ever-present characteristic often showing up at an early age although the individual most likely did not recognize it at the time.  Therefore, when someone refers to her submission, this is a natural trait as opposed to something that was decided upon.

The decision comes in following this trait and making it a centerpiece of one's life.  Now, I use the word centerpiece because I do not believe this is something one picks up and puts down.  A person who is submissive is simply submissive.  Sure, this person can assume a dominant role in a situation where it is required such as work or parenting.  However, the natural "calling" always moves towards the submission.  One is inherent in this individual while the other is a role that one assumes.   An individual's ultimate fulfillment is dependent upon the following of what is located deep down in her core.

Many enter the lifestyle aware of this.  They did enough internal searching to realize that, indeed, submissiveness is present.  Most likely, looking back over her life, there is a degree of it that is noticeable in many interactions.  Also, when it comes to "romantic" relationships, one understands that there was a desire or craving for more, something that often went unfulfilled.  Hence, our new person embarks upon her journey into the BDSM world.

At this point, I am going to state a simple point that many, especially online, seem to overlook.  Someone who is submissive desires to submit.  Think about that for a second.  This individual wants to cede control over to someone.  As I just stated, it is natural for her.  There is no effort required.  It is not forced.  In fact, it is most likely beyond her to stop it.  She needs to submit like she needs to breathe.  It is an automatic response in her.  I read about so many who try to pressure and force one to submit.  This is an abusive practice.  If one is truly dominant and real, one who is truly submissive cannot help herself but to submit.  It is what she craves.  The caveat is that both be are truly what they proclaim.

Disclaimer time.....for all my abusive readers out there...just because someone desires to submit does not mean she will submit to YOU.  Those who are submissive are not brainless, out of control emotionally boobs.  They are individuals who have the ability to reason, think, and control themselves.  Simply because the urge is strong within her, that does not mean she will take any fool who comes along.  Criteria needs to be met.  Also, your expectation that she is yours is misplaced.  Nobody with any sense is going to submit simply because you send an email or two stating you are dominant and she needs to listen.  Please try to get a clue about what is going on.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Therefore, one enters the lifestyle as a submissive person with the desire to submit.  This is how she is going to opt to structure her relationship and her goal is to find someone who completes the other side of the equation, i.e. is dominant.

 Power Exchange

The foundational basis for the BDSM relationship is the exchange of power.  Unlike "vanilla" or traditional relationships, BDSM makes no pretense of equality in the relationship.  In this realm, the power breakdown is in favor of the dominant.  That is really what submission means: turning power and control over one to another.  It is a rather simple concept yet confuses so many.

Now, when we look at the natural craving withing a submission person, what do you think her desires tell her?  Obviously, give up control is what rings true with her.  So, why do we have so many who are hesitant and resist?  In other words, why do so many hedge their thought process?

The answer to this lies in the fact that so many dominants out there are complete idiots.  A submissive craves submission.  She wants this more than anything else.  It is a need just like breathing.  Does one desire to breathe only part way?  Of course not.  Then why would anyone believe that she wants to submit half way?  My conclusion is that, while she does not, real world observations necessitate this.  The stories are many of how morons used the guise of BDSM to abuse another.  Word spreads quickly when one takes advantage of a sub's trust and totally destroys her.  There is not only the physical abuse but cases of extreme mental and psychological.  Again, this is not part of the consensual lifestyle deal yet it does happen and submissive ones are very aware of this.

At the same time, there are many, while not abusers, who are clearly unworthy or irresponsible with power.  They have little control over their own lives yet insist upon running another.  These individual like to operate from the "do as I say not as I do" platform.  Unfortunately, this outlook makes for a terrible leader which is what a dominant/master truly is (or should be).

Finally, many D-types (not sure I like that word...sounds pretty stupid) are arrogant know-it-alls.  They believe that everything is their business when it pertains to one under his control.  Sure, ownership comes with having access to all that is going on in one's life.  However, be real about things.  There are certain situations which might be none of your business and is best if you keep your opinion to yourself.  For example, she might have a successful career that she excels at.  For you to but in and tell her what to do could result in damage.  Another situation is if she has kids.  Unless they are your kids, you have little say especially if they have a father.  What is interesting is that if you look at those who are within the lifestyle, many of them were crappy dads to their kids yet they want to tell someone else how to parent.  This is where some self-appraisal is required to determine where your weaknesses reside.  Nobody is good at everything so just own up that it is not your area of expertise and cede to your submissive.  This does not make you any less dominant, just realistic.

Totality

This brings us to the final point that I want to make today.  Slavery is looked upon as extreme.  The exchange of power is total and complete.  It is not a partial breakdown.  However, as I mentioned before, I do not believe submissive persons want a partial breakdown.  What they want is someone they can trust who is not a complete fool and will consistently look after her best interest (read that again all my abusing friends...it is not a one-way street nor is it all about you).  A submissive craves giving over the control and really does not want that censored.  But again, fear, practicality, and realism based upon observation prohibit that in most instances.

Therefore, when I think of slavery, I consider it more to be a totality of the power exchange as opposed to extreme.  Being a slave means nothing more than one who decided to give full control over to her dominant.  That is all.  It is a power breakdown that is complete.  Again, if one is truly submissive, is this not what she wants if she can find one who can be responsible and trustworthy with that power?  My answer is I believe that is the case.

Now we encounter the conflict.  As I mentioned in the open, for obvious reason, slavery has a negative connotation in our mental imagery.  We need only look through photos or drawings depicting what people who were slaves endured.  It is not a pretty sight.  We couple this with the horror stories we hear about from the abusers in the lifestyle and it is easy to see why one holds back.  Simply put, slaves are looked down upon for a variety of reasons.

At this point I will state that much of what is out there is true.  Are slaves abused in some instances?  Yes they are.  Do many look down upon them with arrogance and contempt?  That happens also.  Are some slaves whipped, beaten, and treated like dogs?  I have to state that takes place. 

But a much bigger question is "are slaves less than"?  Are they individuals who are not to be respected?  My answer is no.  Slaves are not less than.  They are not individuals who are without esteem.  In fact, within the lifestyle, they are the individuals who are most worthy of respect.  A slave is an individual who consents to giving full power over to another.  She is acting out in accordance with her core in totality.  Within this dynamic, she is holding nothing back from her dominant.  Her life and control over it is being trustfully (hopefully not misplaced) in his hands.  She is not approaching this in a half-assed way.  In other words, she is all in.  So I ask you, what is not respectable about that?  Why should anyone be degraded for living in this manner?  I seriously would like an email if someone can answer these questions to the contrary.

The simple truth is a slave is someone who decided to completely live according to what her core is telling her AND spent the time and effort to learn to live in this manner.  I add the second part because simply because one decides to go all in does not mean she is worthy of being titled "slave".  There are lessons to be learned, experiences had, and knowledge to be gained.  This is what takes one from the state of being "untrained" to "trained".  Of course, like everything else in BDSM, this is an ongoing process that goes that lasts the rest of our lives. 

So it is time for everyone to rethink what the term "slave" means in the BDSM world.  It begins with the understanding that it is a consensual relationship decision.  It is made by an individual who is committed to living out what is at her core and giving all of herself to her partner.  She desires to serve him in every way she can completely and to live for his pleasure and benefit.  In return, she seeks to be held in esteem, protected, and interacted in ways which enhance and fulfill her.  This interaction takes on many forms and is not the same for each individual.  Simply because one is a slave, that does not mean she is open to abuse, pain, and total degradation.  If that is her thing and something agreed upon, then so be it.  But do not presume that all want to live that way.  Finally, a slave is someone who dedicates the time and effort to learning what it means to live this way.

So in closing, in the world of consent, slavery as it is in BDSM, does not carry a negative connotation.

DN

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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