What Are Relationships For?
This is an important question to consider. Why does one get into a relationship with another? In the BDSM world, why does a submissive seek out a dominant and what is she looking for? Knowing the answer to this is crucial to the success of the relationship. Now I will admit that each individual is unique in terms of her specifics. However, we can draw some wide generalizations to encompass the overall idea. Ironically, the reasoning is going to mirror everyone else in the world.
So why does anyone enter into a relationship? The answer is simple: they seek to be happy and fulfilled. I believe this is true for all types whether heterosexual, homosexual, or BDSM. The only difference is what an individual is seeking yet the reasoning is the same.
What is interesting is that many of the so called dominants online do not consider this when approaching a submissive/slave. Instead, they operate from the perspective that only their needs and desires matter. This is completely false. A sub/slave is not going to remain in a relationship, if she is a healthy individual, if she is unhappy and unfulfilled. Sadly, many of the moronic individuals we see in such huge numbers online feel that fulfillment comes from sucking them off and serving them dinner. While these acts can be satisfying to a sub/slave, if that is all there is, she will end up empty inside. In short, the relationship will not fill a need for her.
Therefore, we must consider some of the basic areas which she needs attention:
These are just a few of the areas that most subs/slaves require a dominant one to fulfill. And finding one who is able to address all those areas is one of the challenges for the sub/slave when she is seeking. Based upon my encounters online, it seems few are able to even consider what is most important outside of his own needs.
A Two-Way Street
A relationship is a two-way street. Many of you saw me write this on numerous occasions. Again, we see this idea is shunned by the dumbmasses since it is evident that the overwhelming belief is that only one person matters. This is another viewpoint which is responsible for much of the failure within the BDSM community.
This is an idea that I am going to start harping upon more from now one. One of the most flawed outlooks is that a dominant is better than a submissive. This is incorrect. One does not have more worth in the relationship nor more responsibility to the success of it. Instead, each are equal in that regard. A dominant and submissive are just different, not better or worse. Therefore, when approaching a relationship, they have different needs looking to be fulfilled. What is interesting is that both parties have the responsibility of fulfilling the other. This is a point missed by so many. Let me write that again: both parties have equal responsibility of fulfilling the other. I believe you will find this is a much different approach than what is commonly expressed on the BDSM dating sites.
Now I am going to set out something that is never discussed in the BDSM world yet is so vital. Whenever a sub/slave is interacting with a dominant with the idea of having something longer term, that individual needs to be asking "what is he going to do for me". Again, this seems counter intuitive to the prevailing mindset yet it is vital. A dominant has a responsibility to serve a submissive. Yes you read that correctly. When entering into the relationship, he is agreeing to serve her. Now, bear in mind the form of service is different than what the submissive provides. However, to ignore the fact that he needs to bring something to the table is misguided.
The abovementioned list is a good starting point. How is this individual going to meet my needs in these particular areas? Certainly, the sexual arena is discussed along with the play. However, what talents and consideration is he going to give to her fulfillment and happiness? Does he believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street and it is all "do as I say" garbage. For this reason, a sub/slave needs to take a look at the potential dominant's entire life. Where does he excel and where does he fail? Dominants are human beings and perfection is not part of the curriculum. Nevertheless, a dominant needs to have the interest in having a sub/slave who is fulfilled and the realization that it is his responsibility to help bring that about. If this is not present, I surmise that the relationship is doomed from the start.
My regular readers know I refer often to a BDSM relationship being about depth. The idea of this is that fulfillment only comes from having our deeper needs met (true fulfillment that is). Too many focus upon the sex and play believing that is what a BDSM relationship is all about. My experience is that is incorrect. A BDSM relationship is about the growth of each party and the relationship as a whole. Sometimes one outgrows the other meaning the relationship is destined to fail. This is acceptable if both are growing albeit one at a much faster pace. Sadly, the more common situation is where one puts effort into growing while the other does nothing (the dominant most likely). Ultimately, the sub/slave requires more than this person is even interested in giving.
Remember this idea when interacting with others in the "lifestyle". We always need to remember that all involved are people. Just because one has a different core need, that does not make you better or worse than someone else. And when moving towards a BDSM relationship, there are things which each person is responsible for it both are to attain fulfillment. AND that is the goal of each when entering a BDSM relationship.
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