January 26, 2015

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Your Role In This Life


Many of you know my feeling about commitment to this way of life.  For those who are serious about BDSM, this is the first choice we make.  If this is your way of life, it is imperative that you are committed to it.  So many want to come in and instantly commit to someone else via submission but this is getting it backwards.  I liken it to the idea of getting married before committing to being heterosexual (obviously a hetero marriage).  The likelihood of things working out are diminished greatly as you can imagine.  Well, the same holds true in BDSM.  If one is not committed to this way of life, then the chances of long term success are reduced to basically a "crapshoot".  Basing your lifelong decisions on random chance is probably not the best method for getting what you need.  Therefore, commitment helps to turn the odds in your favor.

That being said, when one decides to live this way of life, I believe a host of responsibilities come along with it.  Sadly, BDSM has been overrun with the abusers, scammers, and misfits.  The numbers seem to bear this out with the clowns outnumbering the serious people by a wide margin.  Therefore, please bear in mind that I am focusing my attention on serious people only.  The game players will always have their agenda which leaves a path of destruction in their wake.

Fulfillment

It is important to remember why people enter this way of life to begin with.  My feeling is that we all seek fulfillment.  We can mask it via other terms but, ultimately, that is what it comes down to.  People want to be fulfilled in their lives.  BDSM offers an avenue in terms of our interactions, discussions, and relationships.  No matter what the level of interaction, each person seeks fulfillment.  Therefore, we each have a responsibility to the other to assist in achieving this.

Too many believe that a dominant is "better than" or "higher than" a submissive.  This simply is not the case.  Having this outlook provides one with the belief BDSM interactions or relationships are one way affairs.  In other word, to many feel that it is all about the dominant and the desires or needs of the submissive do not matter.  Again, this is a fallacy.  Even in an M/s arrangement, the Master must take the needs and wants of the slave into account.  He might decide in favor of going in another direction that she is not thrilled with but he needs to consider her point of view before making his decision.  That is what a leader does.

Since a dominant is not better than a submissive but, rather, a piece that compliments her, then he has a responsibility to her the same as she does him.  The masses seem to miss this point.  Service is not a one way street.  Both parties end up "serving" each other due to the fact that each provides what the other needs. There are certain things that a submissive needs which only a dominant can provide.  If he is withholding this for reasons other than a short-term punishment, then he is failing in his role as the leader of that interaction.  At the same time, if he is not considering her wants and needs, again, he is failing her.

I will give you a good example.  Many enter into scenes with a play partner.  This is an interaction where a submissive is seeking certain things which might even be spelled out in a contract.  Obviously, she is driven by the need to serve and give her body over for the pleasure and fulfillment of another.  If the dominant is a sadist, he is provided with an avenue to fulfill that aspect of himself via the masochistic tendencies of the submissive.  Naturally, she seeks more than just his enjoyment.  Attaining subspace, as an example, is of great pleasure to her.  She also might really enjoy the feeling of pain and markings she receives which many describe as a "centering" or "grounding" experience.  Finally, she requires the safety and protection of the dominant knowing that he will not exceed the negotiated parameters while behaving in a manner that always has her safety in mind.

Sadly, we know this is not always done.  Many dominants take advantage of submissives when they are in subspace to ignore the contract or go to a level where one is hurt.  This is someone who is not fulfilling his role.  He cares none for the submissive but only himself.  Her fulfillment (and safety) are not in his thought process.  Instead, he is acting simply on his desires.  This is selfish, abusive, and criminal.  Here is a person entrusted by a slave to assist in her fulfillment and he simply casts it aside.  A serious person about BDSM would understand his role in this situation and behave in a different manner.

As you can see, there is a deeper meaning to the acts we engage in.  No matter the level of the interaction, the responsibility of fulfilling our role to another exists.  We need to keep this paramount in our minds.

Owned By This Way Of Life

I often have said that I am owned by the BDSM way of life.  Nothing about me is mine anymore.  It is all property of the BDSM community and world.  What do I mean by this?  Getting back to commitment, I decided a long time ago that I am dedicated to this way of life.  Therefore, all that I garner is available to those who are truly within it.  This goes for my body, my experience, my knowledge, and my talents.  They are meant to be shared with those who are truly involved and serious about what we are involved in.

This blog is an example of that commitment.  I write these posts in an effort to educate and make others aware of what exists.  Therefore, my knowledge belongs to the community and I transfer it to everyone via my writings.  At the same time, when I interact with others, I am perfectly willing to share what I learned and experienced over the years.  Again, this is part of the role I have in this way of life.

It is very frustrating to me to see subs and slaves who are unowned go without being serviced for long stretches of time (yes I said them being serviced).  My question is always where are all the dominants stepping up to fulfill their responsibilities?  Certainly, there are times where a sub/slave opts to isolate and is not seeking anything.  If that is the case, she is free to exercise that choice.  However, when we are truly open to BDSM, we are in touch with our primal side.  Now, bear in mind, primal means more than just sexual.  It is our basic essence of which the sexual nature is a part of.  To be fulfilled, a sub/slave needs this part of her stimulated.  She requires that connection that not only has a man within her but also the feeling of a whip or cane across her body, the feeling of giving herself over for the fulfillment of another, the need to serve, and perhaps to be displayed.  In short, sometimes she just wants to be taken to get back in touch with her core self.  Sadly it seems, many are unwilling to assist in her fulfillment.  I cant tell you how many times I have chatted with someone over the years who goes to gatherings and is friends with many in the local community yet goes unserviced.  To all the dominants out there, remember it is not all about you.  At times you need to step up and take care of a free submissive; your hand across her bare ass is just what she needs to relax and center her.

When one looks at the larger meaning of things, everything we do takes on a different connotation.  Sex, impact play, bondage, and all else as it pertains to our interaction is taken to a higher level.  It is not about one's selfish motives.  Instead, we seek the fulfillment of others in whatever way we can.  Sometimes that is taking ownership of one; others simply offering guidance and experience.  A submissive offers her body up to a dominant yet he, in turn, does the same.  When one offers up a question, he provides an answer.  No matter what is needed, if we can assist someone in reaching his or her fulfillment, we do that.

Now that I said all that, I must throw my caveat into this.  There is one crucial distinction I must make which is easy to talk about but near impossible to determine in person.  Everything I wrote in this post goes under the presumption that the person(s) you are interacting with is true. This post only applies to true sub/slave/master/dom.  The pretenders are another story.  Sadly, too many enter this lifestyle looking for easy sex or someone to abuse.  These are not the individuals I am referring to.  All of us must do our best to weed out the game players and be certain we are dealing with real people.  Those who are real and committed deserve all that I mentioned above from me.  However, those who are coming out of a different motive, they deserve to be stepped on.  Too many have harmed others, both physically and emotionally, through their dishonest methods.  This applies equally to the dominant as well as the submissive side although I grant the submissive ones need to be more careful since they tend to be physically at more risk.  Nevertheless, I have yet to see a a true dominant who was not willing to help out a true submissive if he could (the reverse is also true).

One final note.  Please understand much of this post refers to those who are free and unowned.  When one is owned and in a relationship, then things take on a different connotation.  Then the parameters of the relationship take priority.  However, that does not mean we are unable to assist others in many different capacities.  Being open and looking for ways to fulfill others is a habit we all need to get into.  Sure, in a relationship one's other is paramount.  Yet it is crucial we do not forget those who are free...they need fulfillment also.

DN 

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January 22, 2015

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Some Signs That The Person You Are Dealing With Is Not Real


It would be great if we could print a handbook outlying all the warning signs that someone you are dealing with is a fake.  This appears to be one of the biggest obstacles in the online world.  How often do we come across a profile of one who espouses the frustration at dealing with all those who are not true.  This is a sad reality for us in the BDSM world today.  The Internet makes it far to easy for the scammers, con artists, and dregs of society to gather.  As we know, anyone with a keyboard, a modem, and the sense to read a couple pages can become an instant master.  Of course, what this wannabe will not tell you about is the fact that he has a wife and kid upstairs asleep while he jacks off online.  Anonymity is a great thing.

Recently, a situation that one is dealing with was forwarded to me.  Now, bear in mind, my estimation is that 90% of all the people online are either not real or not genuine.  Let me give some clarification of each: not real is someone who is not what they say.  For example, he is a she (or vice versa) or living in a country not stated.  We see the scammers under this category.  At the same time, this is where we find those who claim to be looking for something but are only gathering pics.  In short, the person is a farce and he/she knows it.

Not genuine is different from not real in that the person is basically who he or she claims to be.  Thus, a woman is a woman.  The location is correct as well as the age.  However, the problem this person is not what he or she thinks.  An example of this is our newbie who claims to be an instant slave.  Of course, all those overnight masters are present in this category.  These people might state they are something, believe it, but, in the end, are no such thing.  The opportunity to have something deep and long term with them is impossible since delusion is present.  Anyone who got involved with a "slut" who claimed to be a slave while looking for a true M/s relationship knows exactly what I am referring to.  You cannot make a ditch digger a CEO without a lot of work and years of effort.  The same can be said here.

The reason why I bring all this up is because the benefit of the doubt, statistically speaking, should never be given.  There is only a 10% chance that you are interacting with someone who is real and genuine based upon my estimates.  Therefore, there is a 90% chance the person on the other end of text or IM is a farce in some way.  In other words, it is best to presume the other person is not as he or she claims until some validation is provided.

Getting back to the situation which was referred to me.  In this instance, the "master" used some tell tale signs that he was not real.  Of course, our slave, who is somewhat experienced in M/s in that she had a master who beat the living daylights out of her and whored her out, was starting to fall head over heels in love.  There are a few problems with this.

1.  They never met:

Certainly many successful BDSM relationships started online and were long distance for a period of time.  This is a fact of life when dealing with the Internet.  It would be fabulous to meet someone who lives in our local town but, the fact that we are on some of the BDSM dating sites shows that we most likely exhausted the local community.  Therefore, we expand our search and often find compatibility a thousand miles away.  Again, this is par for the course and nothing to raise a red flag about.  At the same time, it is expected that it might take some time before in person meeting occurs because of the distance.  This is only logical.

So what is the problem in the instance I am referring to.  What struck me is that the individuals involved are only an hour apart.  Yes you read that correctly.  The participants in this M/s relationship, both whom are committed are about 60 minutes apart.  What is also interesting is that communication between the two is over two months old.  WTF?  You mean to tell me that in two months you cannot find time to drive an hour (actually 30 minutes if you meet in the middle) to meet your slave?  I would say this is a major red flag.

2. Lack of communication:

As I understand it, this particular relationship is a bit one sided in terms of the communication.  The slave sends a text to the master and he will answer it 6 or 7 hours later.  It appears this is true no matter what time of the day it is done.  I realize that some people work jobs that prohibit instant response but to leave one hanging that long is unacceptable.  A master is suppose to be there to guide and assist a slave, how can that work when he does not answer her for most of the day.  Of course, when she makes a decision out of necessity, she best be right or else punishment ensues (more on that in a bit).

So what is his excuse?  As I understand it, he has a sick mother (stop laughing) who is in ICU.  Evidently, in that country, phones are not allowed in the ICU which might well be true.  However, my counter argument to this is that people do not go 45 minutes without checking their phone and replying to texts.  We see this in business all the time when there is a meeting.  Everyone turns off their cell phones but as soon as the meeting ends, the phones are out and people are texting.  It is like we are addicted to it.

Getting back to our master, his defense is that he is spending 6-8 hours at a time with his mom in ICU.  Really?  Even if this is the case, does he not go to the bathroom or get something to eat?  Has anyone here ever sat by hospital bed for 8 hours a day, every day, without getting up and leaving the bedside?  Surely mother nature calls sooner or later.  Text while you are answering nature's call sitting on the can.  Whatever you have to do, if this was important, then it would be done.  Therefore, I am not buying the lack of communication.

3. Punishments:

I wrote a number of different posts about punishments.  My central view is that punishments are meant to change behavior.  A slave does something that the master does not want done, it is up to him to get her behaving how he wishes.  To do this, he might need to punish her for disobedience or for breaking a particular rule as a means of really driving home the point.  Discipline is part of the lifestyle and a strong master will exercise it when necessary.

The faker does not exercise punishment in this manner. What he does is he punishes for the slightest infraction.  The goal is not to change behavior but to instill fear and pain in her.  He gets his rocks off trying to be powerful by punishing her at the drop of a hat.  A strong master is judicious in his punishments having it fit the "crime".  Also, to properly punish, one must first have clearly outlined the desired behavior and the parameters she is to operate within.  A master who fails to do this has no recourse because he leaves the slave trying to hit a moving target.

As you can guess, our master in this situation is very willing to impose punishment at the slightest mishap.  He even goes so far to punish when he was not available to provide the direction she needed.  Is it any surprise he is considered a fake by most reading about this situation.

4. Isolation From Information (actually isolation in general):

This aspect really hit home with me because our social networking site, in my opinion, is one of the best sites for BDSM information out there.  On that site, in addition to myself, there are numerous posters who have decades of experience (between 30 and 45 years).  They freely express their views in an effort to help others with different aspects of this way of life.  This site is not a meat market nor a place meant to pick others up.  In fact, the functions I blocked such as the chat bar were done so with the intent on eliminating that aspect of things.  Ultimately, it is an information site written by some of the most knowledgeable people I ever came across with regards to this way of life.  It is a wonderful learning tool.

Focusing upon our slave again, she was directed to this site.  Of course, she had to ask her master before signing up and he promptly rejected her.  Why would he do that?  Perhaps because one of the articles on there, tagged to the front page, details many of the ways one can spot a fake.  The ideas discussed here along with many more were all listed clearly.  Simply put, he did not want her to have access to information that would most likely expose him.  This is the only conclusion to draw because he allowed her to still have a profile on the known BDSM "meat market" sites.

One final note about our master: the profile picture he used was not of him.  Now, I am aware many people do not put their pics up for privacy reasons.  Often, these will use cartoons or something generic to protect their identities yet still have something up.  At times, you will also see someone use a pic but state in the profile, this is not me but what I aim to be or like.  In this instance, we are all on the same page.  However, our master never did this.  He posted a chest pic of "himself" as his profile picture.  The only problem with this idea is that there is software online that allows you to drag a picture into it and the search will crawl the web and list all the sites that pic is on.  In this instance, our master's profile pic came back with 130+ hits including major tattoo magazines.  Can anyone tell me if something is fishy in Denmark?

You be the judge... what do you think about this situation and the validity of this master.  I know what I concluded and that is why I listed these items as signs that one is dealing with a fake.   If you see them happening in your life, be very leery.



DN 

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January 20, 2015

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Are You The Best?


Are you the best master or slave there is? 

This sounds like an egotistical question but it is not.  Are you the best master or slave there is?  If you are not, why is that so?  What is it that causes you to believe that others are better than you?  In short, why do you feel the way you do about yourself and hold the present beliefs that exist within you?

I ask these questions without regard to what segment of the lifestyle you find yourself drawn to.  Whether one is into pain, total slavery, hardcore use, sensual activity, hucow, or any other aspect of this way of life, the questions hold the same.   In your area of interest, are you the best person there is?

It is a simple fact that many of the results we achieve in life and what we are able to manifest are direct results of what we continually focus our attention upon.  At the same time, the beliefs we hold also steer our actions because they are ingrained determining factors which enable us to draw conclusions about situations or people.  Sadly, the person we do this the most with is the one we see in the mirror each day.

The problem I see is too many have a poor image of themselves.  That is the reason for the idea of questioning if you are the best.  This exercise is an internal one meant to enlarge your concept of the wonder that is within you.  Certainly, I am not advocating being pompous or acting like a total ass.  We see way too much of this online.  However, the person who has a healthy self image about him or herself will parlay that into all actions.  This includes the interactions with those in the BDSM world.

Before going any further, I must state that none of us is perfect.  There is no such thing as a perfect slave or master.  We are all flawed and have things to learn.  There is yet to be a person involved in BDSM who knew everything there was to know.  Thus, each of us can be considered a work in progress.  That is why I believe that BDSM is all about growth.  That is the central tenet of this way of life (of life itself actually).

The idea of holding ourselves, inside, as the best is that it instantly raises our standards.  We know the online BDSM community is filled with morons and liars.  These people are not even in the conversation when it comes to us.  We are far greater in worth than those meatheads and we show it through our action.  At the same time, we strive to reach greater heights when we have this outlook.  If I ask myself, what does the top master in the world (or slave) do in this situation, my conclusion will be far superior than that of one who has a low opinion of himself.

Here is an example of a post I saw.   I once read a slave posting about the inability for dominants to deal with rejection.  Obviously, we all know the tendency of some to lash out when they are rejected.  We know the situation, an email is sent to a potential one and, for whatever reason, she is not interested.  In response, she sends an email back saying thanks but no thanks (if she is a submissive of high standing, the ones who arent just ignore it) and guess what happens?  Our supposed big, bad dominant has to lash out and tell her what a stupid bitch she is and how dare she not be interested in him.  Naturally, this is not how a real man behaves especially one who is dominant.  Obviously, our master in this situation cannot help but to get his panties ruffled at the fact that someone who does not even know him said she was not interested.  Yet his insecurity led him to have to feel powerful by really "giving her a piece of his mind".  Not very dominant is it?

This is a simple example but let us contrast it with another mindset.  If I am the best master in the world, how do I react to this situation?  To start, my mindset is "her loss".  This instantly puts me on a different plane.  She is not rejecting me but, rather, making the biggest mistake of her life.  Now, remember, this all takes place in my mind.  There is no need to tell her any of this because, quite frankly, then I am behaving the same as the other fruitloop.  This entire conversation happens in my mind.  It enables me to deal with the situation with dignity, honor, and respect.  In short, there is no reason to be degrading or argumentative.  People make choices for their own reasons and it is not incumbent upon me to understand them all.  What I am responsible for is my reaction to what happens.

Another aspect of this idea is that is you are the best master or slave, are you going to accept intolerable behavior?  Obviously, the answer is no.  However, we see people everyday (read about them online) who engage in the dumbest things because some "master" told them to do it.  I know some of this can be attributed to being inexperienced and naive.  Nevertheless, there is a point where that ends and stupidity starts.  The sad part about all this is there are some who are truly dangerous and BDSM is a wonderful umbrella for them to operate under.  In other words, it can be an abusers paradise.  One who holds herself up to a higher standard (because she is the best) will not tolerate this behavior.  First sign of abusive behavior, either physical or psychological, she hits the road.  There is no need to endure the abusiveness or arrogance from the nitwits.  This behavior is not BDSM and should never be tolerated.

I hope this post gives you some insight.  Begin to hold yourself to a higher standard.  This starts with how you view yourself which affects how you interact with others.  Also, it is not limited to the selection of whom you relate with.  When you have the mindset of the best, you are more apt to improve your skills and knowledge.  A slave who believes she is the best will look to render the best service possible.  At the same time, the best master will seek to be skilled at all aspect of control.  He will not only focus upon the ability to play but, rather, to truly own.  We all know bedroom antics are only a small part of the life we lead and one who is serious and BDSM at a deep level will seek to be more.

So, are you the best master or slave there is?

DN  

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January 17, 2015

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"A Master never makes his slave do anything, he makes her want to do everything."

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.
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A Red Flag Of An Abuser?


We all know that the BDSM world is a paradise for those who want to abuse others.  The umbrella of BDSM provides cover for those who have psychological issues, hate women, or simply want to gain some esteem by beating down (or up) another.  Over the years, I did my best to give some signs that one might be dealing with an abuser.  Naturally, there is no way to be absolutely certain about anyone other than making your best attempt to get to know someone to get as much of a read of him as you can.  Of course, there are some very good con artists out there. For this reason, we mention a variety of way to try and protect oneself.  I am not going to list them all here but steps such as safe words, safe calls, and other means should always be taken.

However, there is a situation that was brought to my attention which is concerning to me.  I want to share this with you to give you an idea of something to be thinking about.  It pertains to the M/s environment but does raise some flags.

To start, I will repeat that a master's role is to help a slave and assist her in growing.  My regular readers know I feel that BDSM is all about growth.  This is the central role that we each provide within the context of a M/s relationship.  For this reason, a Master must avail himself to his slave so as to handle the situations that arise which, in reality, are growth opportunities (many would describe them as problems).  As we learn to handle things, both on the outside and within our minds, our capabilities expand.

Another point that I must mention which factors into this is the seemingly overwhelming belief that doling out punishments is what being a master is all about.  This is simply false.  It is sad how many I come across who simply want to punish regardless of the situation.  In fact, it gets so bad that they actually set up scenarios where it is impossible for the slave to avoid "failing".  Hence, he gets to punish.  To me, this is a red flag and I would put this individual in the class of abuser.

I read an entry on someone's page the other day that really struck me.  The post mentioned bad boys and how many women are attracted to them.  The individual who wrote it certainly identified since she, evidently, was drawn to that type.  Nevertheless, she made a correlation which I found interesting.  The attraction to the bad boy, from what she wrote, is the incredible self confidence they have.  Here is an individual who knows he can get most women he wanted and was willing to flaunt that.  He is the type that will wait all day to text you back luring one in even more.  In short, he is the one that makes you want him with every fiber of your being while at the same time destroying you heart.

What was interesting was the BDSM offered the bad boy persona without the destruction (I guess she meant potentially did).  Masters are suppose to be confident beings while not being cocky.  At the same time, they are suppose to be considerate.  Being a "bad boy" is not being a master.  Those who are willing to ignore the feelings of another are not in control.  They are abusive and manipulative in my opinion.  Yes, masters must make decisions that often go contrary to what a slave feels right or wants.  Making a decision after considering her feelings (and all other facts) is much different than totally ignoring her views altogether.  A bad boy cares not for another.  He is wrapped up in himself which, ironically, is what many dominants present.  Leadership is never about stepping on another but, rather, making the proper decisions after considering all involved.

Getting back to our abuser scenario.  It was mentioned to me that there is one who has a "master" who does not reply to her.  She will text him a question or asking permission yet he will not respond for the entire day.  Of course, if she makes a decision on her own, he is quick to punish.  The way it was presented to me is that "she is always being punished".  It seems like this supposed master enjoys punishment far too much. This is a classic sign of an abuser.  Punishment is designed to alter behavior when one is doing something improper.  A slave has a responsibility to alter her behavior to agree with what he desires.  However, it is not a one way street.

The problem here is this master is failing in his responsibility to her.  It is up to him to make himself available to her.  The fact that he cannot be bothered to answer a text for an entire day shows he has little concern for her.  How can he mold and assist her when he is not in communication?  The answer is he cannot.  What is ironic is, I am sure, he wants every decision run through him.  Once again, how can this occur when he will not reply?  Are you seeing how he is putting her in a "damned if you do, damned if you dont" situation?

Being a master is not about being intolerant.  Too many believe that being strict means being a total a**hole.  Once again, we see a mindset that is completely false.  Being strict means you are consistent with your decisions.  It means issuing punishments when clearly defined boundaries are exceeded.  At this times, when those boundaries are ignored, one is in need of punishment.  Of course, and this is very important, there can always be circumstances which are legitimate.  Hence, having the willingness to listen to her reasons is crucial.  At times, there are valid reasons why a master's command was not adhered to.  A true master understands this and takes it all into consideration.  Again, punishment is about altering behavior yet it is vital to first find out her intent.  The motive behind the action, or lack thereof, is important.  Was she being disobedient or was there a specific reason for her being unable to obey?  If it is the later, there is no reason to punish.

Setting up a slave to fail is abusive.  This is the sign of someone who, in my view, can get much worse.  He is the type that will ignore a safeword during play because he feels it is all about him.  This is an individual who does not appear to have a slave's best needs foremost in his mind.  I would say someone like this suffers from a lack of empathy and, perhaps, has a low self-esteem.  It is a classic case of one feeling better by running someone else down.  This is not mastery and a certain red flag.  Mastery requires one to have the willingness to get into a slave's mindset and work out the problems that exist in there.  He must exert the effort to avail himself to the daily trials and tribulations that she goes through.  At times, when she is overrun with fear, he must insert himself and take that fear head on.  That is his position.  Sure there are times when circumstances in his day preclude dropping everything.  However, it is not outlandish to expect a reply within a reasonable period of time as in the situation I mentioned.  In this era, we have so many forms of communication that enables one to communicate instantly with another.  There really is no acceptable reason for not conveying an answer to someone within a couple hours.  Failure to do so is a sign that one should pay attention to.

DN

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January 12, 2015

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Married "Masters"


Today I am going to take the gloves off and unload with both barrels.  It seems some simply do not understand nor use their heads for anything other than putting some make up on.

I am the first to admit that submissive ones are intelligent.  However, coming across the stories I see, one is led to believe that stupid does apply.  Hopefully, clarity will be provided after this post.

It seems that many run across the married "master".  Of course, this makes sense since we know many of those operating online are only after sex.  This applies also to the submissive side of the equation also.  Many see BDSM as kinky sex (which it is...in part) and figure this is the answer to their drab sex lives.  While this is true to some degree, it is also a false belief since BDSM offers so much more.  However, for those who are only interested in kinky sex, have at it.

The problem arises is that these "slaves" get involved with these married "masters" expecting more.  What makes me laugh is this situation is compounded when we find out the "master" is in a vanilla marriage.  This is where the rubber meets the road.

Seriously people, use your mind for something productive.  Here is a simple fact.  A man who is involved in a vanilla marriage and is cheating on his wife, no matter what the excuse, is not a master.  It is impossible for this to be for many reasons but I will limit it to the most basic, the p***y.

In most vanilla relationships, the woman controls the pussy.  If you find this not to be true, ask most married men.  The woman decides when they f**k, if she takes it up the ass, or if she will swallow.  He is subservient to her in this regard.  Of course, as the ole saying goes, control the p***y and you control all.  Hence, we see her power filter into other areas of the relationship.  The truth is this guy has no control over his marriage yet he is out there espousing to be a master.

Naturally, I need to insert my usual caveat.  This applies to those who are running around behind their wives backs.  There are many who are married who have open relationships.  This situation is entirely different.  Also, there are masters who are fully immersed into BDSM who are married to a slave but opt to add others.  These individuals are operating according BDSM protocol of openness and integrity.  With their spouses full knowledge, they are taking care of their domain.  Compare this with the weasels who have the wives who "just don't understand".

Sadly, the situation gets worse.  I was chatting with one who relayed a story about a couple subs/slaves she knew.  A "master" had them move in together because he wanted them under the same roof and save money.  Of course, he was married to a vanilla girl and he took the slaves money which he used because his wife took all his.  Seriously, people fall for this stuff?  Obviously, these individuals were naive and caught up in the "I am master, obey my power" garbage.  Again, common sense would ask, if this guy cannot even control his marriage, how can he control anything?

So what is one to do?  Really, I could care less if someone wants to use a married man.  Screw him all you want if he gets you off.  Have him take you to dinner and buy you things.  Hell, if he is willing, have him rent you an apartment.  What do I care?  The point is do not mistake that for being in a M/s relationship.  If you want to use him, go ahead.  But do not give him any power over you because he is incapable of handling it.  He is a little slug slithering through life.  An individual of this sort is just using the umbrella of BDSM to use others.  Sadly, he is no different from the abuser who uses BDSM to beat and assault women.  They both leave a wake of hurt in their path.

Do not buy into the bullshit.  He will have a variety of excuses I am sure as to why he cannot leave his wife.  The kids, it will cost too much, she is sick, etc.. will all be thrown out.  Ironically, some might have validity.  However, these are excuses married, cheating men have been using on women for centuries.  Again, if she is in control of the home, what is he in control of?

Therefore, in closing, use him to your advantage if you want.  However, under no circumstance are you to give him any control over you nor your money.  That is just stupid and slaves are not stupid beings.

DN

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January 7, 2015

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Fear and Decisions


Wasn't that a wonderful post yesterday on the topic of Sub Frenzy by our guest contributor ~V~.  Hopefully we will be blessed in the future with some more contributions by her.  If you did not get a chance to read it, here is a link to it.

Now we will get back to my writing and perhaps I can convey something helpful to you as well.

Today I am going to delve into the world of decision making.  This is an extremely important subject for the simple reason all of what we do is based upon decision.  In fact, nothing happens in our life, on our end at least, until we decide to do something.  Other than that, we are just a spectator watching the world go by.

In BDSM, the most obvious fact is that masters need the ability to make decisions.  This is common sense since he is the one driving the relationship.  As the one who steers the ship, it is his responsibility to properly navigate perilous waters as they progress.  It is important to note that a slave is tasked with following (although she can certainly have input).  All decisions lie with the master.  Therefore, it is crucial the he enhance his decision making skills as much as possible.

Of course, as you can guess, this attribute is not only limited to the masters.  Slave need to make decisions also.  As I write this I can hear the virtual moans from all the pretenders online.  But a slave need not think, she is just to obey is their mantra.  Well, that might work in their fantasy world of Second Life or whatever, but in the real world this is not the case.  A slave is often tasked with responsibilities by her master in which she needs to make decisions.  Only a fool wants to own a brainless twit.  Slaves are not relegated to stupid simply because they have a submissive trait within them and the burning desire to serve.  In fact, the contrary is closer to the truth.  Most true slaves that I met are very smart and like to be stimulated intellectually.  They do not cower from responsibility and making decisions.  They understand the context that, at times, they are operating within the confines of Master's larger picture through which he delegated a particular area to her.  Therefore, a slave will have to make decisions which she feels are in keeping with the desires of her Master.

This all presupposes one is in a BDSM relationship.  What about the people who are not?  This brings up an excellent point about the decision-making process.  There is a saying in the personal development field that "most people dont get what they want because they dont know what they want".  I found this to be true.  People typically are not clear about their desires.  They simply want things better.  However, the problem with this is that it is an abstract target.  Unless something is clearly defined, it is almost impossible to attain it.  Instead, one becomes a victim of circumstances or, worse, luck.

So how does this apply to BDSM?  Well, as you already know, there are many different paths in the BDSM world.  Without a clear focus of what you want, it is easy to fall into a relationship with someone who offers something different.  I must repeat, for the thousandth time, simply being involved with someone who is submissive if you are dominant (or vice versa) is not enough.  There are a ton of variables which go into making a BDSM relationship (or any relationship) successful.  Overlooking major points is a recipe for failure.

We see this with new people all the time.  When someone first discovers this way of life, he or she is drawn to all the possibilities for fulfillment, happiness, joy, and kinky sex.  Naturally, for those of us who are around awhile know, there is a lot more that need to "match up" before eternal bliss is realized.  As I write almost weekly on here, this process starts by looking within oneself.  The first task is deciding what you want.  Do you want to live as a master/slave?  Or is dom/sub more to your liking?  What does slavery mean to you?  What limits do you have physically, mentally, and psychologically (this might be the most important)?  At the same time, what are you interested in?  Do you like bondage? Impact play? Some of the more "extreme" stuff such as fire play?  What areas do you want power to extend into?  Are you high or low protocol?  Does old school ideals/traditions interest you?  As you can see there are a ton of questions that you can ask yourself which require answers.  It is up to you to decide what you want.  This should be done BEFORE you get involved with another person.

So as you can see, making decisions is important.  Since we know that all aspects of our lives are affected by the decisions we make, how come many people seem so poor at them.  My answer is because they allow our friend fear to enter the picture.  A decision is an action of the mind.  Unfortunately, this is the same place our friend fear resides.  So, when looking at making a potential decision, we see fear arise in the form of negativity which sways our thinking.  For example, consider the decision to commit to this way of life or not.  I feel that it is crucial for anyone who wants to enjoy long term success that he or she commit fully to the BDSM way of life.  Now that does not mean that one walks around wearing leather and leashes all the time.  What it does mean is that one is not going to follow the traditional anymore.  The "vanilla" method of relationships is over.  Or is it?  Remember I said one needs to decide to commit to this and that fear is a constant impediment in the process.  Many, when looking at this choice, consider things such as what if I dont meet someone, what if my family finds out, or what if I meet a nice girl at work, I dont want to pass her up.  As you can see, these are negative thoughts which sways one's ability to decide.  Certainly, these questions should be examined but they should not be the basis of the decision.  We all know it is difficult to find a working BDSM relationship.  However, we experienced the same thing in the vanilla world too.  So leaving the "door open" for an exit out of BDSM is not making a decision.  Instead, one is waffling on the decision.  The fear that something might not work or there might be someone available elsewhere is driving the decision.  This is where fear interferes with the process.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon each of us to learn how to make decisions while removing as much fear from the equation as possible.  Now I will tell you it is impossible to get rid of all the fear.  Our minds are always going to throw up the road blocks.  Nevertheless, it is possible to only focus upon the "facts" in our decision making process and eliminate a lot of the suppositions.  This is extremely helpful in garner the right answers.  Ultimately, your life is the culmination of all the choices you make.  It is best to exercise control over that process.  Look within yourself and truly decide what you want.   Remember that most people fail to make decisions because of fear.  Sadly, not making a decision is a decision.  Once again, we see how fear circumvents the process.  Focus on the positive things that can happen and stop obsessing over the negative.  There is always the possibility that something will not work out.  And if that is the result, so what?  Just because you decide something and it does not go as planned, that does not mean you cannot make a different decision in the future.  Nobody is perfect.  Decide what you truly want and go for it.  That is what leads to success.

DN 

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January 6, 2015

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Sub-Frenzy


Today I am happy to announce that we have a guest poster.  ~V~ is a submissive who has been involved in the BDSM way of life for nearly 25 years.  Over the time, she lived as a slave, was involved in a few commitment long-term relationships as a sub, and involves herself in the play scene as a bottom.  Her experience is well rounded and offers all the readers here a fresh point of view.

The topic we are going to delve into is sub frenzy.  There are a number of beliefs out there what it is according to my brief research into the subject.  However, instead of using someone's theory's, I figured why not get first hand experience from someone who knows it intimately. 

For clarity sake, her words are all italicized and were copied/pasted by me.  This post is exclusively from her point of view so I hope we all can learn from her knowledge and experience.


What Is Sub Frenzy -  As explained by a Seasoned Sub/Slave
 
There are many view points on Sub Frenzy.  It is a subject matter that both Master/Dominate/Top’s as well as Submissive/Slave/Bottom’s should be aware of and educated about for the sake of safety and general knowledge.  As a sub/slave that has been in the lifestyle for close to 25 years, I wanted to share my knowledge and experience for the purpose of education.
 
The mainstream opinion is that sub frenzy is a known phenomenon that affects a submissive new to the BDSM lifestyle.  The analogy of a kid in a candy store is the most commonly used term to loosely describe it.  Though a great part of that analogy is true, that is not the full scope of sub frenzy.
 
Let’s start with that theory first.
 
For this viewpoint… I will use the horrific “her” in regards to submissive.  Though we all know submissive are found in all sexual identities.
 
I have found in life in general, when a person gets a new shiny toy [whatever that toy may be… a car, a bobble, a new X-box game] … that we tend to want to use it, flaunt it, play with it to no end.  When a sub type personality enters the lifestyle, they are thrilled to experience all the freedom, adventure, kink and fun this world has to offer.  It also allows us to finally express the deepest need that we have within our core – to serve. However, the sub found herself in this lifestyle, it’s a new, fun, thrilling, exciting, erotic and yes… very orgasmic welcomed change to the vanilla world.  If this person enters the lifestyle haphazardly, without due diligence and research, direction, a steady grounded hand to guide or mentor them; it is very easy to get in over one’s head quickly.  [Unfortunately, this causes a lot of newer subs to fall prey to less than honorable and or qualified dominate types]  The “I want it all and want it right now” syndrome appears.
 
Here are some of the main actions that characterize sub frenzy:
 
  1. Playing too soon with someone you just met.  [Especially online] Not vetting this person thoroughly with background checks or lifestyle references.
  2. Not asking questions or learning to negotiate your wants, needs or limits
  3. Meeting for the first time in a private location
  4. Not setting up or following through with Safe Calls [letting someone know exactly who you are with or where you are as well as checking in periodically with the safe call contact]
  5. Playing too often.
    1. Not taking time between play sessions to process everything experienced.  [One needs time to absorb and take inventory mentally and emotionally as well as possibly heal]
    2. ** Endorphin release/altered states of mind from intense and pain play add to this issue. **
  6. Engaging in unsafe/unprotected play
  7. Not using safe words in play
  8. Engaging in types of play that one is not educated about or knows enough about what is safe, what your limits may be.
  9. Surrendering/Agreeing without question
    1. This is partially due to their submissive nature but partially due to the need to give in to and please another regardless of gut feelings, better judgment and safety. Newer subs may not understand we still have the right to say NO.  Self-preservation takes a back seat in extreme cases.
  10. Falling in love or wanting a commitment before a bond has been established
  11. Accepting the first offer of a collar or play partner [at times falling prey to un-reputable or unsafe dominate types who are out to prey on these subs]
  12. Withholding personal information/health information just to engage in play or service
 
As I have stated, it’s not only new sub’s that have fallen to sub frenzy.  Seasoned submissive/slave/bottoms have been known to fall victim to this problem. Sub frenzy is loosely a state of mind that a sub may experience at any point in their lifestyle journey. To a seasoned sub the frenzy may take on different characteristics and different depths.
 
I have spoken to many veteran subs that have tripped on this issue. An example is after being released from service or after being out of play for a while a great void is left.  Subs are trying to fill a need that they have become accustomed to having in their life. 
 
At times, sub frenzy can also be described as a state of withdrawal. Our attachments to our Dominates run deep within us.  Our need for approval, to serve, to be cherished and guided is great and very addictive. To some, especially those who were in service or a relationship for an extended period of time…being let go can cause a free falling feeling, [much like despair and disorientation].  We forget the basics of thoroughly checking out a new play partner or perspective dominate.  We forget to let others know who we are going to see, exactly where we are going and setting up a safe call and following through with it.  Our safety and common sense at times can go on the back burner. I have personally fallen trap to playing too much in between sessions soon after being out of play for a while.  As a moderate S&M player… this is a total bone head move motivated by the adrenaline rush of play.
 
** As a side note - Subs may also experience frenzy if they are introduced to a new type of play or the relationship hits a lull.  Life getting in the way of life. **
 
However, on a positive note, a seasoned sub has already identified and surrendered to her beautiful character and nature.  She is more apt to recognize the signs of frenzy and act in a positive responsible nature.  [Especially if she has a support group within the community or known support groups in the online community.  Several on FetLife are available] The idea is to take the edge off the overwhelming need she has that is not currently being met.  I know several sub/slaves that will go to a Dominate [friend] they know and trust and petition for relief.  Depending on the submissive and where that itch lies… whether in domestic, sexual or pain play in nature, they can keep that thirst quenched until a suitable relationship has been established.  I advocate using the resources of volunteer work or mentoring within the lifestyle.  I personally have a Sadist Top that I can petition for pain play only. As for meeting the needs of service, I tend to throw myself into work, family or volunteer work.
 
Why the importance of sharing this information with dominate types?  Knowledge is power.
 
As a Top/Dominate/Master, being aware that a sub is in this state of mind keeps you safe as well.  No one wants the police to show up after an intense session because of miscommunication/misunderstanding or because the sub didn’t know to or was worried about using a safe word just to be pleasing etc.
 
Though I am of the strong opinion a sub is just as responsible for her own safety, I will admit we need Your help when our thought processes become a bit muddled.  Especially those who are knew to the lifestyle and on a sensory overload.  A submissive wants to serve, to give of her special gift.  Though on the whole, we are not weak, but in our desire to serve, we open ourselves to potentially dangerous situations to meet a deep need we have identified and surrendered to.
 
In addition to the state of frenzy, a submissive in the stages of trying to alleviate that burning need may unconsciously do or say things to make her more desirable to a prospective dominate. Often times she will agree to ideas, tasks or play that she either has not interest in or for whatever reason is a hard limit for her.  She will often times mirror what the dominate likes or wants, only to accept a position or collar too soon and be upset later about accepting.  There has been a few times I have unconsciously done this very thing.  It goes deeper than just showing interest in the dominates life.  I have accepted tasks or chores that I would not normally do in my life just to be of service.  I have agreed to types of play that I don’t normally engage.  Somewhere down the line, especially if one jumps into a relationship with a dominate, they eventually ground and the frenzy has passed only to wake up to the fact that they are disgruntled and upset with themselves and the relationship.  The feeling of “What the Hell was I thinking” sets in.  [Which could eventually end a relationship]. 
 
Sub Frenzy is a real and potentially dangerous state of mind.  With this knowledge my hope is that you have a better understanding of some of the variations this can take.  The slower one takes in the relationship, the more open and honest communication can potentially cut down in a submissive making an error they may regret later.  With the Dominates help and guidance this can be reduced even further.  In addition, my hope is that dominates know that letting a sub go without overseeing her until she is with another dominate or at least thoroughly grounded could be at detriment to her. As far as NSA play is involved, it would serve everyone well to make sure she is grounded and not in frenzy before engaging. 
 
Love & Light
 
~V~

DN 

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To Be Taken Seriously Online....Fill Out Your Profile


Go to any BDSM online site and it will not take you long to find those profiles of slave complaining about the emails they receive from the pretenders, creeps, and misfits of society.  Many of these posts are warranted since we know that the dingbats reign supreme in the medium.  However, there is something that I realized which warrants pointing out.

There seems to be a lot of people who put nothing up in their profiles.  They are blank.  I notice this especially on the submissive side (the dominants are very willing to write how great they are).  Why would you do this?  Do you really think you are going to attract someone serious when you provide absolutely nothing to go on?  I read these profiles and think "what would I say if I even wanted to contact this person" which obviously I do not since there is nothing to generate interest.

Therefore, if you want to avoid being classified as a fake, then fill out the profile.  Put something in there.  I understand not getting too personal since there are many who will use information against you.  However, some of the basics such as your experience, what you seek, like/dislikes, and time in this way of life are helpful.  Certainly, this will not eliminate the morons doing their thing and bombarding your inbox with their garbage.  However, it will allow those who are serious in their search to send you something thoughtful.

Just a quick tip that came to mind last night.

DN 

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January 5, 2015

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When The Universe Gives You An Olive Branch...


Some of us are committed to this way of life to the degree that we are willing to share knowledge with anyone we interact with.  This goes equally for experienced submissive/slaves as it does for dominants.  The main reason I started this blog years ago was to clear up much of the misinformation that I read online which was, in my opinion, causing people harm.

BDSM is a lot more than just the whips and chains.  You all have heard me preach about that for years (well read as opposed to heard).  Being a dominant requires a great deal more than just the ability to "scene".  Yes impact play, and the ability to do it safely, is part of our way of life.  So is fireplay, blood, suspension, and bondage.  All these require a special set of skills so as to ensure safety for all parties involved.  However, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

To truly excel in BDSM, one must be schooled in many different areas.  You will find that truly experienced people, both submissive and dominant, who picked up a great deal of knowledge over the years.  For example, most will be able to delve into the psychological aspect of things.  I laugh each time I read a profile that states something to the effect "I want a dominant who is into the mental/psychological side of control".  Well honey, let me tell you, if he is not into that, you are not dealing with a true dominant.  The same is true of submissive who are around this way of life.  They understand the psychological aspects of control and what is driving them.  They can identify with the things that cause one to put herself in a dangerous situation.  There are things that go on within the psyche of a sub which is not readily apparent to those on the outside.  However, an experienced one can pick up on it in an instant.

Alcoholics Anonymous is the granddad of 12 step programs.  The success of this entity,  and all that followed,  is that those who suffered help those who are suffering.  Since the person has direct experience with that "demon", he or she is more apt to be able to relate to the individual on the same terms.  There is no preaching but, rather, a common ground from which fellow sufferers can meet.  The "miracle" is that it is not a "misery" meeting as much as one person relating the solution to another.  Of course, this idea is not monopolized by 12 step programs because we see it in all types of counseling.  Cancer survivors or families of cancer patients perform similar functions for each other.  The same is true for parents of kids with autism.  I could list hundreds of ailments for which there are support groups but I think you get the point.  People who either have been where you are or are there now can provide a powerful message to you.

Why do people in the BDSM world believe they are exempt from this concept?  It is amazing to see all the "Self sufficient" people running around.  What is amazing is that most of them, if you read their profiles or writings, you will find are suffering a great deal.  Yet they seem to have all the answers.  Obviously, we are aware that the dominants, at least most of the ones online, know all there is.  If you do not believe that, just ask them.  It is amazing how a profile created after reading a couple of different websites makes someone instantly dominant.  The simple fact is a true dominant will readily admit he does not know all there is to domination and the interaction with a slave.  He also embraces the fact that he can learn from both dominants and submissives.  Yes, this is something the nitwits will despise but some of the deepest knowledge I received was from slaves.  They are an invaluable source of experience and information (so stop talking down to them you jackasses-they are probably smarter than you are).

BDSM is about growth and it is a process that never stops.  We begin the journey upon entering this way of life and carry it to the very end.  There is always something else to learn.  I can write 10,000 blog entries over the course of 40 years and I still will only have scratched part of the limitless lode of knowledge that exists out there.  Here is a case in point:  how much do you know about aftercare?  hypnosis? discipline? anatomy? fear? dependence? emotional control? g-spot? sub-frenzy? self worth levels?  psychological and emotional needs?  Notice how very few of these are directly about play or scenes.  At the same time, one could spend a lifetime studying most any one of these areas, let alone all of them.  Yet notice how all of them apply to the world we live in and the relationships we have.

Which brings me to another point: there are a lot of lonely people out there.  We live in an interconnected world which is leading people to be more isolated than ever before.  People are closed off to those who are there providing assistance.  Perhaps it is because there are many who turned out to be less than forthright when dealing online so people are gun shy.  Or maybe it is because we are conditioned by the "self help" industry that we can have, do, and be all and that, if we are not, there is something wrong with us.  Whatever the reason, many people , if not the masses, refuse guidance or assistance of any kind.  They prefer to "do it all on their own" even when their life is going down the tubes. Here is a lesson I learned years ago:

When the universe give you an olive branch, it is a good idea to reach out and grab it.

We never know where inspiration, direction, or a solution will come from.  Being closed off to the possibilities that exist because of past episodes means we are going to be repeating much of the same behavior.  Since most people are driven, to a large degree, by fear, they end up in a repetitive cycle because the same motivator is in operation.  Those who were "burned" a time or two suddenly cannot trust anyone (most will write this in their profiles) hence fear wins again.  Now, please bear in mind, I am not telling anyone to ever act blindly.  There are a lot of treacherous people out there and many of them are ill-intentioned.  It is best to be prudent.  However, do not close yourself off to the possibilities that might fall into your lap.  As I said, you never know what might be in that next email.  It truly might be the olive branch that you seek.  One never can tell.

In closing, I will state that my point is to be open.  Watch what is presented to you.  Seek out knowledge and information about this way of life from as many sources as you can.  Simply because you are dominant, do not believe that you have nothing to learn.  You do.  We all can expand and grow.  That is what this way of life (well all of life actually) is about.  Reach out when you see those olive branches placed in front of you...it probably is a hand to help you reach the next level of your journey.  None of us are self made.  We are all products of those who influenced us over the years.  Some are personal contacts, others via their words, still others their writings, and some by their examples.  No matter what the source, take the opportunity to get out of the interaction what you can.  

When the universe gives you an olive branch...

DN

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