Online Prospects

Much attention is given to the online BDSM world, specifically, M/s and D/s. It is interesting to notice how many are taken in by the cons that occur online. What would normally be dismissed with common sense is, instead, swallowed whole-heartedly. This creates a situation where many are harmed.

What is one to do when faced with the daunting task of trying to find someone online? How can you succeed in your search while protecting yourself from the predators and game players? That is what I seek to answer here.

To start, there are many genuine people online who are seeking exactly what they say. They are real in every sense of the word. Their intentions are explicitly stated with no hidden agenda. These are the people that we are all seeking.

My experience leads me to believe the percentage of people falling into this category is around 5%. I feel that 95% of those one encounters in the online BDSM world are full of crap to one degree or another. This applies equally for those who profess to be submissive as it does for those who are dominant.

Therefore, before investing a great deal of energy into someone, understand that there is a 95% chance that you are dealing with someone who is not after the same thing you are. The Internet is a mechanism which allows one to be totally anonymous. It is rather simple to create an online persona and run with it. For many, they simply lack the ability to recognize the pretenders.

Online is a wonderful way to strike up a "relationship" with someone. However, caution always needs to be applied. Offering simple "tests" is a wonderful way to verify what one is saying. For example, if you are a dominant, give your new submissive an exercise to do. If he or she completes it, there is hope. Failure to do so leads me to state "move on". A person who fails on the first go is likely telling a story.

As a Master, I know that my place within a relationship is something that is earned, not given. There were a lot of years spent learning what this lifestyle is all about. This offered me the training to be an experienced Master. For this reason, I am comfortable and confident in my abilities. While not perfect, I have had success living this lifestyle.

That being said, anytime I interact with a submissive, I instruct her to call me "Sir". This is showing the proper respect of the position of dominant without knowing my specific credentials. Even if there is someone who feels that I am worthy of respect, I still insist upon this protocol.

This is a sharp contrast to many I see in a chatroom. These fools feel that they are worthy of being called Master by everyone who is submissive. Perhaps some are; most are not. Nevertheless, they are indignant when it comes to this. Somehow they believe that the title makes it so. Remember, it is easy to assume a persona online. However, the persona does not make it so.

If I called myself an astronaut, do you think NASA would deem me qualified to fly into space. While I might qualify as a space cadet (or space case), being an astronaut requires a certain degree of experience and training. The same is true in this lifestyle. People who claim to be a Master simply because they capitalized their name are closer to being space cadets than true dominants.

Respect is something that I earn; it is not given. This is true for all aspects of life. If you encounter someone who demands certain treatment simply because they believe they are entitled to it, tell them to go jump in a hole. To me, there is a great chance they fall into the 95% bracket we previously mentioned.

Remember these tidbits when you are interacting with others online. We will cover this topic in greater detail in future posts. For now, just use common sense in your approach to this lifestyle. You will not be sorry.

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Service Versus Sex

Let me ask a question: what do you think that newer people to the lifestyle think about when they are considering what is offered here? Do you believe that service is the idea that is foremost in their minds or does the idea of sexual conquest reign supreme? My experience tells me that the idea of sex is what most consider when looking at this alternative lifestyle.

Naturally, the images presented online lead one to this conclusion. We all have seen the pictures of professional dungeon scenes put out by kink.com or websites like that. Sadly, this leads people to falsely to believe that this way of life is all about sex. The truth is, that sex is only a minor component to how we live. In fact, BDSM is about power and control as opposed to sexual conquest. Certainly that is an arena that is explored. Nevertheless, we live a life that is so much more than sex.

Newer people fail to see that real life is a part of the deal. BDSM does not exempt us from the daily struggles that affect millions of others. Regardless of whether one is submissive or dominating, he or she needs to look past the sexual aspect to understand what this life is all about. This is a step that needs undertaking in if one expects to have any success.

The way to approach BDSM is to understand how service is the main component of each relationship. People enter this lifestyle looking to meet the needs of another or to have their own needs met. This simple concept eludes people. A submissive type should remember it is his or her place to serve. This is what a Dom/Master is judging that person upon. Sexual service could be a part of what is desired. However, one might be called upon to serve in a different capacity. This is where the submission process becomes reality. One who submits is not free to choose how he or she will serve. That is in the hands of the Dom/Master.

This concept equally applies to the dominant one in the relationship. It is that person responsibility to determine how to best utilize his (or her) sub/slave. Analyzing capabilities while filling voids is a part of the process. In many ways, it is no different than being in management. The dominant one is responsible for managing the relationship. All choices are his (hers).

Therefore, if you are new, get past the sex idea. Few ever experience the satisfaction of being suspended from the ceiling while being gangbanged. This is something that the porn industry promotes. Instead, look at the vanilla world if you want some idea of what a BDSM relationship is like. Many of the same attributes exist. The big difference is how we decide to break down power. When you have the mindset of service, you quickly understand how the power structure is aligned. This is what separates us from the traditional.

Avoid the tendency to buy into the fantasy that is presented by the online community. Reality hits when one is face-to-face with another person. Much of the information, including the idea on non-stop sex, presented online is absolutely false. Having an understanding of reality will make your life a great deal easier as your explore this way of life. Service is a big component.


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Hard Limits versus The Mind

Limits are things that cause great controversy within the lifestyle. As one moves further out on the spectrum towards the extreme, many believe that hard limits do not exist. I am not a proponent of this belief. There can be certain things that are off limits no matter what the makeup of the relationship. Even slaves have certain things they cannot overcome. To expect people to engage in activities which is potentially dangerous to that person is foolhardy and unsafe. Limits need to be respected.

While there are truly hard limits which many cannot overcome, there are also those things that people will say are limits which are nothing more than walls of the mind. A limit is something that cannot be overcome because it is dangerous for that person to engage in that particular behavior. For example, if one was anally molested as a child, anal sex could be something this person cannot partake in. I once had one who was blindfolded while she was raped as a child. Thus, whenever anyone tried to blindfold her, she would have flashbacks to that point in time. Obviously this was a hard limit for her. To relive those experiences put her in psychological peril.

When you view something as uncomfortable, gross, or embarrassing, that is not a limit. Many, especially when they are new, say they will not do a certain thing. The reasoning is simple; he or she does not want to do it. That is not justification for classifying something as a limit. Instead, it is another form of topping from the bottom. Limits are serious and when one starts to "water down" the concept by attributing nonsense to this, it makes for a perilous relationship. A good Dom or Master will help a submissive find his or her limits while assisting to get past them. Nevertheless, something that is considered embarrassing is not a limit that is overcome.

Remember this idea the next time you are apt to throw out the "limit" idea. Is there a real justification for you not being able to partake in this activity? If so, then it is a hard limit. Yet, if you can only conclude the reasoning is that you do not want to do it, then you are manipulating the relationship. I find that people who do this are like the boy who cried wolf. When a true limit is uncovered, the trust from the dominant one is gone. It is impossible to take someone seriously who always cries "hard limit".

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How One Is Dominated

Most understand the idea that the Master/Dom is the one who is in control of the relationship. This is a concept that is fairly easy to comprehend. However, many seem to fall short on accepting this when it comes to implementing it into practice.

We see the exchange of power become more pronounces as we travel further along the line towards the extreme end of the lifestyle. When we arrive at the M/s relationship, we see the breakdown of power complete. A Master is the one who is totally in control with all decisions residing with him (or her if it is a Mistress). This is the basic foundation of this type of relationship.

The problem that often arises is when a slave is not dominated in a way that is to her liking. Instead of being the obedient and accepting one, she decides that she wants something different. When this occurs, the tendency is to do things to try and get things the way that she likes. This is where the phrase "topping from the bottom" applies.

M/s is an extreme aspect of the lifestyle. It is only for those who are able to handle the absolute breakdown. Many like to think they can but only a few are truly able. It seems the fantasy often exceeds reality.

I notice the situation gets magnified when poly is involved. The tendency to compare is a natural one. However, it is also a method which leads to one wanting what others have. This causes conflict in the sense that it is up to a Master to determine where, when, and with whom he focuses his attention. The way that he treats each individual is solely his.

We all have ideas of how we want relationships to look. Many enter with a mindset that was created by pictures they saw online. I see some who tend to "romanticize" this way of life while looking for something that does not materialize. Fantasy is certainly a part of these people's outlooks. Sadly, they are disappointed when real time is encountered.

No relationship is perfect. That is because there are individuals who are involved who are naturally flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. Nevertheless, it should be understood that accepting how a relationship is run is a slave's place. While she might not like it, this is how we choose to live. Obedience is a quality that is highly emphasized. Sometimes one obeys by sitting back and allowing a Master space to do as he chooses. This is difficult but part of the process.

I found that I go through phases. There are periods where I will regularly use a slave sexually before I "drift away". At times I am outgoing and into group sex while other times I want solitude. Whatever my whim, I expect my slaves to be accepting of them. I try not to put them in any danger so they need not worry about being abused. However, obedience includes accepting how I choose to run our relationship. To me, this is part of the deal.

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Know-It-All?

I was recently told of an instant messaging conversation that was posted by someone that reflects the mindset of many who start to indulge in the BDSM way of life. This particular interaction took place between someone who was living real time and an online Gorean slave. As you can guess, you know where this one is heading.

Without going into all the interesting details, the basic premise was that the real time slave was sharing her experience while the online one was contradicting everything that was stated. What really got me was the fact that both started by stating they were living Gorean. This is what caught my attention.

The real time one professed that her Master and her lived according to Gorean philosophies as set out in the fictional series written a few decades ago. That being said, the other had to contradict her by stating that her "Master" and her lived according to what he altered Gorean to be. In my mind, this is not Gorean then-it is something that he designed. Nevertheless, the entire episode showed how some people think they have all the answers.

There is a major difference between book knowledge and personal experience. Whatever you think about Gorean, there is a world of separation between someone who is truly living with a Master in real time versus one who is online. I am amazed how people in this lifestyle fail to see that. For whatever reason, they believe that online antics are real. Sadly, most learn the hard way that this is not true.

Nobody likes a "know-it-all". There are some people that we encounter in life who feel they have all the answers. The bottom line is that we all can learn more no matter how long you are involved in something. This is a truth of life. Yet many miss this idea and end up closing their minds to new information.

BDSM allows for a wide range of creativity and imagination in designing a relationship. We are all free to live how we see fit. Nevertheless, we should try to remember that we are always going to encounter someone with more experience than we have. I personally have met people who have lived this way for over 30 years. My experience pales when compared to what they went through. These are the people that I can learn from.

There is nothing that compares to experience. I always suggest trying to find out the experience one has when you are interacting online. Most often, you will find that he or she probably lacks in this area. This ought to be a warning sign to take what that person says with a grain of salt. Without experience, everything is book knowledge.

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Victimhood

Many people think that submissive types should be looked down upon. They view submission as a sign of weakness. In my book, An Owned Life, I refer to the impact of societal conditioning on our mindsets. However, being submissive is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is just one following a natural inclination. Domination is not better, it is simply different.

That being said, I will point out that many submissive types want to play the victim. This takes someone from a position that should be esteemed to one where they are viewed as whining babies. People with this outlook fail to see how selfish they truly are. Everything becomes about them instead of another. This creates a conflict especially in a Master/slave relationship.

The truth is that everyone has problems. There is not a person you will come across who does not encounter similar situations. We all experience financial and legal issues, family, illness, and problems at work. The difference is how people handle these things.

A commonsense approach leads me to tell people in this mindset to "get over it". Stop your whining and do something about your present circumstances. Being submissive does not mean that you are helpless. Life issues have to be dealt with. We are not exempt from dealing with these circumstances just because we chose an alternative lifestyle.

Individuals who fall into the victim mindset are easy to spot. They tend to want to cry out to others in an effort to gain sympathy. We read about things in their post online whether it is in a forum or on a blog or in a chatroom. They will make witty sayings that they put up in an effort to gain the condolences of others. Naturally, they tend to find people who think like them, thus having a circle of "friends" all sharing misery.

Submission is not about being a victim. In fact, I believe this mindset has nothing to do with the BDSM world at all. It is something that is prevalent in every lifestyle choice. Some people choose to take control over their affairs while others allow them to overwhelm them.

Perpetual victims are never fun to be around. They are one of the worst forms of psychic vampires in my opinion. The continual complaining about life situations will wear anyone down. People like this should be made aware of what they are doing. There is no future in playing the victim. Life is just a continual process of moving from one crisis to another. Meet a victim 6 months later and you will hear the latest tragedy. This is the way people of this nature operate. Nothing ever gets any better.

Resist the temptation to classify a submissive person as weak or a victim. There is nothing between the two that correlates in general terms. However, it is my experience that many will take the victim role. These are the ones who need to be avoided.

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No!

This is a word that we are conditioned to say from a very young age. Some estimates claim that we hear "No!" 65,000 times by the age of 5. I am not certain how many times this is impressed upon our young minds. Nevertheless, it is a lot. Societal conditioning starts at a young age.

When looking at the BDSM world, most claim to understand the exchange of power that is part of our lifestyle. They feel that being in a position to submit to another is what they truly desire. Unfortunately, reality strikes them hard when they realize what the lifestyle is all about.

Naturally, we always need to differentiate between a sub versus a slave. As I write quite often, a sub, by his or her definition, has more control. The submission process is not as absolute as in the M/s world. Usually, the power given only pertains to the sexual arena. Even there, one might still retain some degree of control through the use of safe words, etc...

When one chooses to be a slave, the decision is made to cede all power over to the Master (or Mistress). This means that one is agreeing to follow all instructions as set down before him or her. Here is where the tendency to say "No!" comes into effect. It is something that should rarely be done by a slave.

"No, I don't want to" is not a part of a slave's vocabulary. While I acknowledge there are situations where it is unsafe for a slave to obey a Master's directions, most instances do not meet this requirement. Usually when a slave denies her Master's wishes, it is because she does not want to do it. It matters little that a slave feels embarrassed, upset, or awkward. Her duty is to obey. As long as a Master is treating her in a way that is mindful of past abuses, her position is to carry out his instructions.

Many slaves, especially those who post things online, seem to feel that "No!" is an option for them. To me this shows how disconnected they are from the true nature of M/s. Some tend to make this a regular part of their life. Occasionally refusing to do something can be chalked up to nervousness, lack of trust, or failure to grow. However, continually doing this leads me to believe that one might be better suited to seek out a D/s relationship.

Begin the process of trying to eliminate the word "No!" from your vocabulary.

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