March 2, 2015

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Hauling Your Past Around


It is amazing the ways people sabotage their lives and, in particular, their BDSM interactions.  I see this all the time as I travel around the Internet reading profiles and entries people make.  It is astounding how some people can express themselves.  They are almost poetic in their writings.  However, they are also very revealing with how they think.

Have you ever wondered why some people, perhaps yourself, find themselves on an endless loop?  What I mean by this is that their life simply keeps repeating itself.  We see this all the time within the BDSM world with people continually getting into relationships that basically mirror each other.  How come, for example, one goes from one abusive relationship to the next?  At the same time, we see so many find fake after fake after fake.  Why is this?  What is the cause of this?

My belief is people and their lives are simply a product of their thinking.  As they think, so they behave.  This is not a novel concept since it has been written about for over 100 years.  Some of the greatest "teachers" in the last century have boldly stated that it is our thinking that creates our reality.  Many will have noticed that fear, the Devil's greatest technique according to Napoleon Hill, is a great creator in life.  What someone fears most tends to come to fruition.  Why is that?  Obviously, when one fears something, he or she focuses upon it while adding a great deal of energy to that thought.  Over time, the fear takes on a life of its' own until it materializes in the physical world.  If you look honestly over parts of your life, you will see how this is true.

Many within the BDSM community have a tendency to relive their past even while in the present.  This is extremely common among the submissive types yet they do not have a monopoly on it.  Dominants are just as likely to engage in this behavior.  So often I see some of the poetic types writing wonderful prose yet opening up all their fears for the world to see.  It is rather sad yet they are completely unaware of what the problem is.

Let me tangent for a second and ask a few questions: 

Do you like to be told that you have smaller boobs than the last slave?
How do you like being told that you are not as good in bed as my ex?
Does it feel good to have how wonderful the last submissive was thrown in your face?
Is it appealing to you to be repeatedly ranked or grouped with those he or she interacted with in the past?

I would say most people would say they would not like this done.  However, have you ever noticed how many people do this exact same thing?  They simply compare all their past experiences to the present situation.  We see the past is dragged into the present which helps to sabotage that situation.  This is especially true when those who suffer emotional turmoil from the breakup of a relationship fail to take the time to properly mourn the ending of that.  Instead, they throw these comparisons out, either on purpose or inadvertently.  Either way, the present situation is poisoned by this behavior.

So what drives it?  My conclusion is fear.  People simply do not know how to get over their life issues and move on.  They tend to focus upon what their experiences are without regard to what chaos it is creating in the present.  This is a basic Life 101 skill that few are adept at.  Sadly, it is also a practice that seems to sabotage so many BDSM relationships.  I cannot tell you how many times I witnessed someone saying something to the effect "let it go" only to have the person hold onto it.  The failure to let these emotional hangups go is what causes people tremendous grief because they keep replaying it in their mind.  To add insult to injury, the situation is worsened because of the fact the replaying is done with added emotion which is like putting a thought on steroids.  The chance of it materializing is that much greater.

One of the worst things you can say to someone is "you are just like all the rest".  The truth is we are individuals.  Everyone is unique.  To make a statement like this fails to recognize that person's individuality and unique traits.  Therefore, if the person has any self worth, he or she will tell you to go with someone else since replacement is so easy.  Grouping people, especially one you are interacting with on a highly emotional level, is fatal.  It is the easiest way to destroy a relationship.  Each person wants to be liked and accepted for his or her individual qualities.  Undertaking the process I just described leads to destruction.  It really is that simple.

Now that you understand the process, is it any wonder that most people are extremely unsuccessful in the online BDSM world?  Yes, it is reality that the vast percentage of people online are fake, scammers, and people with ulterior motives.  This cannot be denied.  However, not everyone falls into this category.  In fact, with the online BDSM world being so large in terms of people, there are thousands of people who are real and genuine.  It does take some searching.  Nevertheless, since most have a list as long as their right legs of catastrophic situations, their pre-programming is such that they actually look for the negative.  In other words, they focus upon someone being a scammer, liar, and scumbag.  And guess what they find.  Science calls this hypothesis bias which means that a researcher will tend to find results that match his/her bias entering the experiment.  What we focus upon appears.

Now my question is how many worthy people did this individual come across yet negate simply because he or she was focusing upon the negative?  What opportunities were lost since our BDSM practitioner determined that he or she was going to look for signs of this one being unreal?  How many relationships did he or she get into only to have them destroyed by the need to compare the present situation with the past?  My research led me to believe that many do this.  This is why so many relationships, both inside and outside BDSM, end up in train wrecks.  Quite simply, people are not present in the relationship.  Instead, they are seeing all the past on the face of the person standing three feet away.

Someone once asked my why I write so much about fear.  I do this because it is the great enemy.  Fear truly is the master of most (98% of the people according to Hill).  Those of us in the BDSM world are just as apt to fall prey to the same human conditions that exist in all of society.  Being aware of this emotion is extremely valuable.  Fear is a dominating force that can destroy completely.  Few have an understanding how it operates in life.  It is subtle, dangerous, and ever present.  The situation I used in this post shows how fears do come true.  Comparing what happened in your past, especially the negative aspects of life (isn't it interesting that few pull the positive aspects of the past into the present) shows how one is fearful of the present situation.  In other words, one is expecting (focusing upon) the worst.  Ironic, that is exactly what one gets.

It is a healthy practice to take stock of what goes on in your life.  This includes analyzing the relationships you were in and what occurred.  And yes I will admit that not everything is your fault.  There are some devious, mean-spirited, and scumbag people out there.  BDSM is an umbrella for many abusers.  However, this does not absolve you of your part in these situations.  Where did your fear hinder progressing forward?  In what ways did it lead you to behavior that sabotaged any opportunity for success?  Tony Robbins likes to say "the past does not equal the future" yet for most people it does.  The reason is that they insist on hauling their past around with them and wearing it like it is a badge of honor.  This is why people experience the endless loop aspect of life.  No matter what changes in their life, since their thinking (and fear) is the same, ultimately nothing changes.

And the net result is another lost BDSM relationship.

DN 

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February 25, 2015

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Spanking




DN 

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February 24, 2015

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"I Won't Do Anything Illegal"


This is a phrase that I see written all the time by subs/slaves.  Many seem to feel they are not to break the law and that it is alright for them to say no to anything that is not tolerated by the law.  Oh really.

Today I will establish how asinine this outlook is.  I will also show how all these law abiding subs/slaves are not what they envision but people who operate on the wrong side of the law.  Welcome to reality!

Yesterday, I wrote a post about us being wolves as opposed to sheep and marching to the beat of our own drummer.  In this article I made the point that we determine what we engage in despite the law.  Our way of life is consensual and as long as that exists i.e. nobody else is harmed, have fun.  Obviously, society does not see it that way but that is an entity that is founded upon control and inhibiting behavior.  People freely exercising their will is what BDSM is all about.  Naturally, the powers that are cannot tolerate that.  Anarchists are their enemy (true one not the nut jobs who are really communists/socialists dressed up).  These are people who understand true anarchy is freedom especially of the mind.  Society prefers group think since it is easier to control the message.  When people exercise their own mental abilities to determine what is best for them, society loses its influence.  This is a situation which cannot be tolerated.

Getting back to the legality of things, I am certain that most people are unaware that BDSM is illegal in many areas.  In the UK, just having BDSM pornography is a crime.  Across the pond, there are a number of states which banned BDSM activities.  Do you live in Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Nevada, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Utah or Virginia?  If you do, getting together with your play partner is a crime i.e. illegal.  What was it that you were saying about not doing anything illegal?  I guess our subs/slaves will only engage in BDSM activities in states where it is approved.

Another interesting fact that few consider is that many of these states will slam you in other ways.  Anyone who lives in the states of Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Utah has the legal system in the bedroom again.  These states still have anti-sodomy laws on the books even though the Supreme Court outlawed it over a decade ago.  That means no anal play for you (I guess the gay guys are really screwed...or is it not screwed).  So for our law abiding subs/slaves who like it up the rear, sorry, not until we vacation somewhere that it is legal.  Of course, if you are one who engaged in this behavior in one of these states, you ran afoul of the law.

But wait, there is more.  Raise your hand if you are in the states of Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia and Washington D.C.  Guess what it is illegal to do in these states?  Anyone have a guess?  For those who said it is illegal to give or receive oral sex, give yourselves a hand(job).  These states have laws making it illegal to go down on your partner.  Therefore, for all those subs/slaves who love giving oral sex, again you have to wait to go on that vacation because in these states it is a no-no.

As a side note, North Carolina banned both oral and anal sex.  In spite of this, do you know what is legal in this state?  Beastiality.  Therefore, it is illegal for a woman to take her husband anally yet she can take the family dog however she wants.  How is that for logic?  Are you starting to see how the law can be a bit bi-polar?

Of course, no conversation about doing things illegal would be complete without discussing the fact that subs/slaves will not do anyone who is underage.  A fine outlook in my opinion if one could explain what underage is.  How old does someone have to be to be considered "of age" sexually?  Again, it depends on where you are located.  Most believe it is 18 but they are incorrect.  In the United States, the range is between 16 and 18 depending upon what state.  Thus, it is illegal to have sex with anyone in Florida under the age of 18 but if you go to the neighboring state, Georgia, all is well as long as she is 16. (Remember a couple decades back when Rob Lowe was caught on film with two "underage" girls?  He was never prosecuted because they were both 16 and the incident took place in Georgia).  

This subject gets even weirder when you start to look at the ages around the world.  Let us look at some of our friends over in Europe.  Germany, Italy, Portugal, and Austria are all 14.  Spain is 13.  UK and Ireland 16.  And good ole Turkey is 18.  So please tell me what underage is again.  It is also interesting to note that one can have sex with a 16 year old in the UK but it is illegal for a 40 year old to have some kink.com videos on his/her laptop.

Another aside, all these ages refer to heterosexual sex.  As we mentioned with the anti-sodomy law, there are a host of ways countries make homosexual sex illegal.

Finally, there is the age old BDSM idea of whipping and beating a sub/slave.   This is something that many of us enjoy since this way of life has many sadists and masochists in it.  However, at least in the states, we need to cross this item off the list.  The reason being is beating another person is called assault by the law.  This holds true even if it is consensual.  Many believe that an activity between consenting adults makes it legal in the eyes of the law.  It does not.  Remember the laws against anal sex; it is still illegal even when consented to.  There was a case in Colorado a number of years back where someone was prosecuted under the law for engaging in consensual impact play.  Again, do not make the mistake of believing that something becomes legal simply because there is consent.

Therefore, I ask, who is willing to alter their behavior to be in accordance with the law?  Are you going to give up oral and anal sex if you are in particular states?  If you said that you will not do anything illegal, then this is the only path.  These activities are illegal in many areas.

The point I am making is the law is often absurd.  Even when trying to operate from a moral basis, like protecting children, try and figure out what is correct.  Why is the age of consent in one area 13 and 18 in another.  What is the difference between Georgia and Florida other than an imaginary line.  Do an act on one side of the line and you are in compliance yet move a few miles down the road and, suddenly, you are a criminal.  Of course, it is asinine to even talk about the word consent since the idea of consent in many activities is not even considered by the law.  Oral, anal, and BDSM activities are illegal...period.  Consent does not alter this outcome.  In my opinion, this is a total farce.

Part of being involved in BDSM is the knowledge that much of what we do is not accepted by society.  At the same time, there are many activities which are outright banned by it.  Accepting this is part of the process of fully immersing oneself into the BDSM way of life.  We are not hardened criminals yet can be seen as such in the eyes of the law.  Therefore, it is up to us to determine which behavior we will and will not engage in.  This decision cannot be based upon the legality of things since, as we see, much of what we do is considered illegal.  Ultimately, we get the mindset of non-conformity.  Society has its values and we operate from a different set.  We are in a life that allows for indulgence as opposed to abstaining.  BDSM is about freedom (and the responsibility that comes along with that) instead of being sheep and blindly obeying.  We are not total anarchists but do have the mindset that this is our life to do as we see fit.  Also, we understand that, as long as nobody else is harmed, we are free to engage in whatever behavior we like.  In many ways, we subscribe to the laws of nature as opposed to man's law.  This is what being a wolf is all about.

DN 

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500,000 Visitors


 THANK YOU ALL.  WE JUST PASSED 500,000 VISITORS. 

I appreciate all those who regularly visit this blog as a path to some useful and quality information about the BDSM world.  With so much mis-information, I take pride in trying to convey a message that properly reflects the reality of this way of life.  

Thank you again to all those who helped make this a success over the past few years.  Please help us spread the message by posting links to articles you like in different spots around the net.  You never know who might click on it and be touched by something.

DN 

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February 23, 2015

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People Are Sheep...We are Wolves


I hope this title got your attention.

Do you know why I wrote this?  Because it is true.

The world is made up of followers.  People are asleep.  Everyday we run into people who lack the ability to think clearly and independently.  Instead, they swallow the Kool Aid that is served up to them as if it were fact.  This is true regardless of the source.  The media, educational system, religions, and people we interact with ALL have an agenda.  No matter what it is, they are going to force it down your throat.

Society is very strong in the conditioning department.  It puts forth ideas that it wants the subjects to embrace and pounds it into their skulls.  Again, this is done through a combination of the aforementioned institutions in an effort to create obedient souls.  Freedom is not something that is espouses.  People are taught to fall in line or risk being ostracized by those closest to him or her.  History is filled with examples of this. If you are at a loss, just consider the plight of homosexuals throughout the ages.

The net result is society creates a concept it calls "normalcy".  Of course, this is never fully explained or clarified but we learn, through our rearing, what is generally considered normal or not.  We learn this lesson by witnessing the reactions that are received to certain behaviors in addition to the programing we receive from the agenda machines.

A fact that cannot be overlooked is that almost of all of us were under this umbrella at one time or another.  We are no different from the mainstream masses.  In fact, in many ways, most of us still operate within this realm.  However, there is at least one phase of our lives which constitutes a change: our entry into BDSM.

Entry into BDSM means that one is going against the norm.  As we all know, the traditional method of structuring a relationship is what is touted as normal by society.  Again, for those who live under a rock, it is a mongamous, heterosexual (mostly), lifelong commitment based upon equality.  Anything outside this is considered abnormal.  In fact, is it not interesting that they even have a name for anything outside these parameters...alternative lifestyle?  BDSM is considered an alternative lifestyle because it is different from what the masses espouse.

Anyone who decides to join this way of life is separating him or herself from the sheep.  This individual is utilizing the power of independent thought.  Instead of following the masses, this person is looking at his or her life in an effort to determine what will lead to personal fulfillment.  Unfortunately, we typically start this process after we realize that following the traditional model led to repeated train wrecks.  Nevertheless, once we begin to question what is considered normal and how it applies to our life, we begin to take control for ourselves.  No longer are we sheep simply obeying the belief system someone else established for us.  We are now looking at things objectively in an effort to reach conclusions which will serve us personally.

The wolf is an animal that is a predator.  It roams the wild surviving harsh elements.  While this species will travel in packs, it is rather independent.  In other words, this is not an animal that becomes domesticated.  Marching to its own beat has always been it modus operandi.  This creature epitomizes free, both the positive and the negative.

BDSM is a world where people are free to choose as they like.  This freedom opens up a host of possibilities that previously were non-existent.  However, the downside to this is that we are also responsible for all we choose.  Pointing the finger at someone else and blaming them for our plight is not part of this life.  We take responsibility for the decisions we make and the situations we get ourselves in.  Do you see the wolf complaining about the lack of food during the Winter or the fact that the snowfall is exceedingly deep?  Of course not.  The animal just keeps on going and surpassing whatever obstacle is in its way.  Much in the same way, we in the BDSM world persevere in spite of the challenges that come with this way of life.  Those who survive and excel within this way of life are those who do not waiver in their commitment.  At the same time, they eliminate any possibilities outside their desired outcome.  In other words, going back to vanilla is not an option.  We entered this because we found vanilla lacking and made it our home.  Therefore, success within BDSM is the only path for us.

As you can see, mindset is crucial to our endeavors here. (If you missed it, I wrote a post about the power of the mind which is a worthy read)  It is within our minds that we determine whether we are going to be a sheep or not.  Those of us who are in this way of life obviously decided that we are not following what society sets out for us, at least as it pertains to this part of our life.  Instead, we found a better way for us and we are sticking to it.

Which brings up my next point.  Many people seem to be entering the BDSM world (and remaining) while maintaining the vanilla mindset.  Unfortunately, this tends to be a source of great trouble.  BDSM offers a great deal that is radically different from what we were taught growing up.  Not only is the relationship structure different but also so are most of the activities we engage upon.  Naturally, society, as a whole, tends to look down upon us for what we are into.  In fact, some of our activities are considered illegal by the governing bodies.  An example of this is impact play.  We call it a scene, the authorizes call it assault.  Even when it is consensual, this is the case (research some of the cases online where individuals involved in this were jailed for a scene).  Therefore, having the understanding that we walk a fine line with some of the activities we engage in is paramount.  Again, this is where the mindset comes in.  Are you going to live according to your own beliefs or adhere to what others set down for you?

I must make this point perfectly clear.  What we are involved in within this way of life is consensual.  This is what separates BDSM practice from abuse.  Sadly, we have far too many abusers hiding under the guise of BDSM but that is a subject for another day.  My point is that even if we are into some extreme things, both (or all) parties are consenting before it starts.  Even things that are "forced" occur under the larger umbrella of consent i.e. a consensual relationship with "forced" behaviors as part of it.  Society, as an entity, frowns upon this yet this is normal for us.  Again, we notice a shift in mindset.

The final point I want to make today pertains to the idea of BDSM and vanilla life.  As I have repeatedly mentioned, too many write something about having BDSM wrapped around their vanilla life.  There is no separation.  This is another shift that has to occur.  We live life, that is it.  BDSM is our life.  Granted, we are not leather and whips 24/7 but there is no separation.  We operate in the real world.  However, once the shift in mindset takes place with regards to our relationship structure, we often find that we question many more beliefs that were instilled within us.  Remember, entering BDSM is a freeing experience and the greatest freedom is that of the mind.  Suddenly all the beliefs that we defended without even being aware of where they came from are subject to be examined.  This leads us to start altering other, specific areas of our lives.  The radical mental transformation penetrates all areas resulting in that wolf mentality.  Naturally, there are times we are obedient souls such as when the boss is standing in front of us.  Few of us are so masochist we are going to destroy our lives simply to insert some radical thinking in our workplace.  Nevertheless, the mindset is still there.  Quite simply, we look at the world through the lens of freedom rather than restriction.

And that is one of BDSM's greatest gifts.

DN  

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February 22, 2015

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The Power of the Mind


Today I am going to focus upon something that is applicable to all aspects of our lives.  However, the fact that I see so many within the BDSM world who are "wishy washy", I felt it necessary to aim it at our way of life.

Recently, I was given a copy of Arnold Swartzenegger's book on bodybuilding.  One of the sections in the book deals with the mindset of the individual.  Let me tell you, reading his words, I can see why he has accomplished so much in his life.  The ability to mentally see what he wants is incredible.  Also, when he makes a decision, that is the final decisions.  In short, he will accept no other possibility other than what he decided.  Success in bodybuilding, politics, and the movies all can be credited with this outlook.  He basically determines what he wants and allows nothing to interfere with the outcome he foresees.

This is powerful stuff.  The mind is a powerful instrument.  However, the question is how many of us are really using it for our utmost benefit?  Looking at the average person, I would say the answer is not many of us.  Getting even more isolated, I would say that most enter the BDSM world without applying this power to our lives.

The process begins by deciding what you want.  This, for most individuals, is a difficult task.  Most people do not achieve what they want in life because, quite frankly, they have absolutely no idea what it is they want.  Therefore, they are trying to hit an ambiguous target.  Clarity is power yet most approach their lives with fuzzy glasses on.

As I continually state, BDSM is a wide and varied world.  There are many things to experience, explore, and experiment with.  Knowing exactly what you want upon entering this way of life could be problematic.  Many of us found that what we first thought we wanted either changed or evolved as time went by.  With new information came new revelations and conclusions.  This process could apply to particular fetishes or forms of play.  However, more importantly, it often applies to our inner core and what it will take for us to be fulfilled.  For example, one might believe she desires living as a sub, with some say over her life.  Nevertheless, after some experience and much research, perhaps it is revealed to her that she truly craves being in a tpe full control relationship.  While this was not evident when she first entered, it became apparent as time went by.  Hence, with more information, a new conclusion was drawn.

Many mistakenly believe that subs/slaves are weak.  They are not, at least by their position.  Sure, there are many weak slaves just as there are many weak dominants/masters.  One's title does not determine the strength or weakness of the individual.  What is the deciding factor is the mindset one has.  A strong slave is one who has the belief in herself and her ability to manifest what she wants in her life.  No matter what obstacles are presented, she has the ability to surmount them to reach her ultimate outcome.  Notice how her position as slave has nothing to do with indicating her strength or weakness.

Having the mindset that Arnold has goes a long way for one fulfilling her desires.  As you can see, the strong slave has the ability to overcome whatever challenges arise.  The same is true on the dominant side.  This is because whatever is standing in the way of her fulfillment, time, effort, and energy will be spent removing that.  The inner self will alter the outer self.

I will give you an example.  There is a slave who is intent on reaching a particular weight by a certain time.  She is driven by the desire to condition her body so as to be a better slave for her owner.  Naturally, the visual/physical/sexual aspect is one part of the equation.  However, she is also driven by the need to be healthy for her Master.   She does not want him to have to deal with things such as diabetes or other ailments which can result from her excess weight.

So what is she doing?  From what I can tell, she is working her ass off (literally).  Her diet was completely revamped along with working out every single day.  She has an exact number in mind that is her outcome and is not stopping until it is reached.  In her mind, she is the ideal weight she set forth for herself.  Her actions match her beliefs.  She provided certainty to her life by creating the outcome before it ever happened.  This certainty, while at the mental level, is materializing in her life each time she goes down a dress size.  Overall, she will reach her goal because she will not accept anything else.  That is the power of the mind.

I see so many questioning what they encounter and this way of life overall.  There is nothing for me to do but acknowledge that there are many frustrations with the BDSM world.  The fact that we live in the Internet Age brings about a host of other issues that were not present 20 years ago.  While we are able to reach people from all over the world, lost is the protocol, verification, and Old Guard mindset which ruled this way of life for so long.  Now, any idiot with a keyboard can become whatever he or she wishes.  This creates a tremendous amount of pain and frustration when dealing with people who are not as they proclaim.  It is enough to make anyone consider a return to vanilla (I wrote a post about this).   And it is this exact point that one must decide, truly decide, what he or she wants.

Those of us who are truly committed to this way of life are of the mindset that we belong nowhere else.  There is no option of going back to vanilla because we know full well that holds nothing for us.  We already did the dance on that floor and stumbled all over our feet.  Now we are where we belong, in the world of BDSM, and will succeed here no matter what.  This is our mindset.  Our commitment makes leaving impossible.  We are going to go through whatever we have to so that our goals are met.  Our minds are made up in this regard.  It is from here that we can start the process of finding those who fit the qualifications that we are seeking.

As you can see, the power of the mind and the ability to truly decide can radically transform your life.  Another way this affects us in the BDSM world is when it comes to certain abilities or forms of play.  There are many talents that people acquire after they enter the BDSM world.  There is no aspect of our way of life that is natural or inherent in terms of the ability.  Yes, our domination or submission is a natural trait yet being a master or slave is a learned skill.  So is the ability to use a bull whip (properly I hope as evidenced by this post).  Tying up submissives using Shibari is something people spend years working on.  Studying anatomy will make impact play more successful and safer.  Knowing how to properly dominate another, after oneself, is also picked up through study and practice.  My point is that no matter what you seek, it is available to you if you will commit to it in your mind.  And what does that mean?  It means that you are going to achieve that end regardless of what you are confronted with.  In short, it means not giving up...never giving up.

You can have all you want within this way of life.  BDSM offers you the opportunity to fulfill all that is within you.  It takes commitment, practice, and energy.  Little will come to us overnight.  There are many frustrations and setbacks we encounter along the way.  Part of the process is taking these "negative" situations and learning from there.  There is a lesson in everything.  Over time, as long as we remain committed to our ends, we will find that we are progressing.  Even if we do not have all that we seek, i.e. another person(s), our skills and abilities can expand.  Time spent researching, learning, and studying the world of BDSM is never wasted.  Each new bit of information will help us uncover more about ourselves if we are simultaneously looking within.  The inner mirror will reveal what is at our core.  Knowledge about ourselves is the most important part of the growth process.  It is also where we can improve to be able to offer those we encounter more.

Therefore, I suggest you start applying the power of your mind.  Stop waffling as it applies to your life.  If domination or submission is something you truly are, then approach this like your life depended upon it.  Start making concrete decisions that cut off any other result.  Align all your thoughts, feelings, and actions towards that decision.  If you do, you will find that, as time passes, more of what you seek is opening up to you.  This is the power of the mind.  First you think it, decide upon it, and do whatever is necessary to achieve it.  With this formula, how can you fail?

DN 

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February 21, 2015

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Safery: A Scene Gone Wrong


Every since I started this blog, one of the main topics I harped upon is that of safety.  My belief is that it is the top priority AT ALL TIMES for anyone who is in the role of dominant.  This includes all who are in that role regardless of the title given (Master, Dom, Top).  Whether it is in a committed relationship or simply a scene, safety is at the top of the list.

Today, I am going to give a real life example of how quickly things can go bad.  This was a situation that was just relayed to me.  It happened the other night and exemplifies the potential damage one can do if he or she is not absolutely careful.  This is especially true when the activity is to the more extreme end of the spectrum.

Many of you are familiar with the bullwhip.  For those of you are not, for example you live in an urban area, here is a picture.



 A bull whip is a device that is commonly used, as the name entails, on a bull.  Usually 8 foot in length, this is an art that requires a great deal of practice.  There are many within this way of life who are extremely skilled at this practice.  Anyone who has ever seen it in person knows how beautiful and awe-inspiring it can be.  A bullwhip, when in the hands of a trained expert, makes a cracking sound that is unique.  I can only imagine the fear and exhilaration when a sub hears it for the first time as she is prepared to receive it.

The accuracy that some of these artists wield is uncanny.  Many can knock a cigarette out of one's mouth from a distance of 10 feet.  I have also heard of one being able to snap the whip with such precision that the tip just nicks one of the sub's tits, leaving a small, bleeding cut.  Obviously, this is something that should be engaged in by those who are thoroughly trained and practiced. I can only imagine the years of work that went in to achieving this level of proficiency.

That being said,  things can go bad very quickly.  The situation that I am going to relate to you involved a Domme who, evidently, was skilled at this craft.  From what was related to me, she has toured the country (this is on the other side of the world from me) giving speeches about bullwhipping at different BDSM events.  Of course, I do not know her level of expertise but I will give the benefit of the doubt in this post.  Therefore, we will go under the presumption this individual is well aware of the dangers posed by this sort of play and needs to take EVERY precaution necessary to prevent something going wrong.

From what I could gather, the scene was in a public venue.  It is summertime in this country (obviously below the equator), hence the weather was a bit warm.  The submissive was one who wanted to try the bullwhip and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.  It seemed like an opportunity for one to fulfill a desire in a safe way.  Sadly, as you will see, it did not quite work out that way.

The story was relayed from the perspective of the submissive.  Therefore, again, I can only give the benefit of the doubt since I was not present.

It appears the scene started out fine.  Everything was prepared properly and it began.  The whip was snap and the first lash struck her skin.  I can only conclude that sting she felt as her raw flesh encountered the power of the whip.  Naturally, I would think both sub and Domme wanted more.  And that is when disaster struck.  The next one was aim at the upper arm.  Unfortunately, that part of the body was missed and the tip of the whip went squarely into her....eye.  Let that sink in for a moment.  The end of a bullwhip, snapped from 8 or 10 feet away and traveling at an unknown velocity, went right into her eye.

There is an old saying "you can poke someone's eye out with that thing".  Well, in this instance, it is true.  Now I will tell you that this individual, from what I was told did not lose her eye.  However, she did have to see a doctor about it who is, potentially, referring her to a specialist.  I will try to keep abreast of the situation and relay any information I receive.  Obviously, we all hope for the best for this woman and that the resulting injury is simply some scratches across the eyeball.  Nevertheless, the point I am making is we can all imagine how badly this thing can turn out.  The eyeball is a fine mechanism which is very delicate.  Many people have scratched their eyeball by rubbing their eye in the wrong way with some dirt in it.  You can imagine the shock to the eye when it was struck by the whip.  Also, infection is a great concern since we can presume the whip would most like struck against the floor at some point.

Which brings up the question, how did this happen?  From what I learned, the reason, according to the Domme, the blow missed the arm and hit the eye was because of all the fans that were turned on.  Her feeling was the fans blew the end of the whip off course.  Obviously, it only takes a minor change in trajectory for one to miss the target by a few inches.  In this case, those few inches were the difference between the upper arm and the eyeball.

Of course, my first thought is how could this Domme allow this to happen?  Yes, the fans blowing is a reasonable explanation.  However, it is also a factor that SHOULD HAVE been considered.  It is easy to see we are dealing with a practice that requires a high degree of precision.  Therefore, everything must be factored in.  Certainly, any trained military sharp shooter will tell you that wind is something they compensate for and always take into account.  When trying to hit a target a mile away with a high powered rifle, you can imagine a slight breeze on the bullet will alter it enough to miss by a few inches.  The same could be true in this situation.  If a fan could alter the end of a whip by the slightest degree, it should be considered.  One problem I have with this explanation is that a baseball pitcher does not account for the wind when throwing a pitch.  The reason is because, at that distance, the velocity of the ball will far offset any influence the wind might have.  Is the same true for a bullwhip?  I do not know.  The fact is that the end of the whip will be moving at a great speed hence might not be subject to the movement of the wind at that distance.  Again, since I do not have the answer, I will presume this is accurate for the sake of this post.

Which brings me to my main concern.  Not accounting for the fans is inexcusable but something that one might be able to understand.  However, how come there were no precautions taken in regard to her face.  Why were safety glasses not provided for her?  How about a safety shield covering her entire face?  Either of these would have averted this situation.  I will admit I do not utilize a bullwhip.  Nevertheless, when I am using a whip on someone on the upper areas of the body, I will at least put a folded towel over her face in case of an inaccurate strike (this is when she is laying on her back and tied to a bed).  It is a precaution I take to prevent a situation like this.  As we see, it only takes one mistake to cause major damage.

I hope this provides people with a real life experience of what can go wrong.  My ranting about safety is usually in the general, abstract terms.  However, with this post, I hope you understand how important this is.  Again, we all hope this individual comes out of this with only minor injuries which clear up in a few days.  Yet we cannot overlook the potential damage which could have been caused by this "experienced" top and her bullwhip.

DN 

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February 20, 2015

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Vanilla With A Twist..The MIndset


As I do my regular travels around the web, I see something that appears to be a recurring theme.  Over the past few months, I tried to isolate it to determine what I was really seeing.  It is another instance which, I believe, separates those who are in this way of life versus those who simply are playing with it.

Mindset is so important in any aspect of life.  We all know this from reading all the personal development or training literature how important one's mental outlook is.  Much of success in life is directly tied to how we think. It is from these thoughts that we manifest things in our lives via the actions we take.  This is the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

The BDSM world is no different.  How we view things and the mental outlook we have is crucial to our success.  Those who enter this world while maintaining the views that are so common in the traditional realm are apt to encounter difficulty.  Now, please do not misunderstand me by thinking that nothing in the vanilla world applies.  Life is still life.  I am continually amazed how people believe the interpersonal skills they acquired throughout the years prior to this way of life do not apply.  It is as if they feel they entered the "Twilight Zone".  A BDSM relationship, no matter what the structure, is still an interaction between two people.  Ultimately, everyone in this way of life, even slaves, are people.  This is something that many seem to overlook.

When looking at the mindset of most people, we need to understand the part conditioning plays in it.  We are reared in a world that prefers to tell us what to do instead of having us chart our own course.  Sure, society puts on the illusion that we are the ones making the decision but that is rarely the case.  Ultimately, our choices are usually implanted in our minds by others.  Our entire belief system is designed for us.  This comes from parents, the media, religious institutions, political leaders, advertisers, friends, and teachers.  From a very young age, we are taught "right" and "wrong".  We are also shown what is "good" and "bad".  Our moral/ethical structure is handed to us and, over time, is something that we embrace.  In fact, not only do we embrace what is given to us, we will defend it because we know our beliefs are "right".  If you question what I write here, take a look at your belief system.  Write down 25 things that you believe and determine where they came from.  Those who are "free spirits" or rebellious are apt to have beliefs that are more personal and self determined.  However, the majority of us, we sucked up what we were taught like a sponge like obedient little pupils.  Unfortunately, we mastered this.

The problem with society thinking is that it is one of limitation.  It is designed to program us to be obedient.  Our fulfillment is never seriously considered.  We see this is as parents who proclaim they only want their kids to be happy.  However, watch their face when one tells his/her parents that being a porn star will lead to happiness.  In most families, this would not go over well.  Therefore, what is really being said is we want you happy as long as what you do is what we feel is appropriate.  This point is emphasized by the fact that most of us, myself included, tend not to tell our parents about our choice to enter and live this way of life.  It is something they will not understand in the majority of instances and, even worse, will not take the time to understand.  Instead, they simply will exert their immediate judgment (which is based upon their belief system which they most likely did not consciously choose) in an effort to get us to change our decision.

It is easy to see how the traditional world is one of judgment.  As I just mentioned, right/wrong and good/bad are labels often used to describe things.  Through this mechanism, we are taught what is appropriate or not.  We also see words such as abnormal and perverted thrown around.  What is ironic about this is that nobody, even those calling something abnormal, can tell us what is normal.  Do you notice the insanity of all this?

I view the vanilla world as promoting the idea of limitation.  It is a mindset that is paramount among the masses who follow the path that is laid out for them.  Of course, I am not degrading these people because most of us blindly followed for years also.  It was only after we awoke one day to realize we were unfulfilled even though we did what they told us.  How many went to school, got a good job, met someone, got married, had a couple kids, and still found him or herself unhappy?  How many of you did this more than one time?  It is par for the course.  In the end, we are souls who are placed in a caged, continually feeling out of place because the vanilla world is not providing us with what we need.

Contrast this with what I view BDSM to be about.  BDSM is a way of life that offers up possibilities.  It is not about limitation but, rather, indulgence.  Whatever your fancy, it is available.  Few things are off limits outside the obvious things such as  murder, child molestation, and dismemberment.  Barring those, everything is on the table and available.

Now this brings up a couple problems.  To start, not everything is going to be "your thing".  There are many aspects of this way of life which will be a turn off.  We all have things that we enjoy and desire.  At the same time, there are relationships structures which suit each of us.  BDSM is not a "one size fits all" situation.  In fact, it is more like buying insurance where you cafeteria plan it (choose what you like and leave the rest).  Nevertheless, this fact inevitably brings in the traditional mindset which we mastered during our societal conditioning.  Remember, that world excels at judgment.  The problem is that many within this way of life find what is their niche yet judge the hell out of others.  This results in the "my kink is alright but yours is not" mindset.  And this is where we see vanilla with a twist.  Our wonderful BDSM people are engaged in this way of life while maintaining the same traditional mindset.

Another fact that arises with a life of unlimited possibilities is that most are not trained to be able to handle it responsibly.  On one level, we encounter the proverbial kid in the candy shop.  This often arises in newer people and can pass with time.  What is more important about this, though, is the fact that people fail to take responsibility for themselves and the choices they make.  Another aspect of society in general is that it teaches us to play the blame game.  Everyone, it seems, is a victim.  Few people want to take responsibility for the choices they make or the results they get in life.  Instead, they have a litany of excuses or people who are responsible for why things did not work out.  They are always pointing the finger elsewhere.

BDSM offers a different approach.  One is free to establish whatever parameters and structure is desired.  There are no limits to what one can decide.  However, we all need to be mindful of the fact that this freedom does come with responsibility.  The decisions are yours and you are the one who made them.  If something does not work out, there is nobody to blame but yourself.  Sure, there are times when other people are involved and actually do screw us over.  They are culpable without a doubt.  But, ultimately, somewhere along the line, we decided to interact with that individual.  It was our choice that started the process which led to that outcome.  Entering BDSM and then blaming others for our plight in life is no different than the vanilla world.  The truth is that embracing this way of life opens us up to a world of possibilities that others cannot even fathom.  Shifting our mindset elevates us to a much different level which entails raising our standards.  We no longer can tolerate that about ourselves which was so common in the vanilla world.

This is another subject I am going to discuss in further detail in the future.  For now, just realize that if you are truly going to embrace and excel within this way of life, a total mental transformation needs to take place.  While some of the ideas you were reared with will still apply, most will not.  Judgment, limiting, and other fear based mindsets need our constant attention.  BDSM is a world of indulgence.  It is about freedom to shed what is holding us back in an effort to grow.  Holding onto the same mindset results in nothing more than vanilla with a twist.  While this might be what some are looking for, it is a surefire path to shortchanging yourself out of what BDSM offers.

DN 

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February 16, 2015

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The Ability To Change


None of us are perfect.  This applies to all areas of our lives.  No matter what you choose to focus upon, there is always room to grow and learn more.  Naturally, this applies to BDSM as well.  Regardless of the time spent in this way of life, either as a dominant or submissive, there are plenty of things for one to learn.  Most importantly, learning about oneself is a never ending process.

My belief is that BDSM is about growth.  We enter this way of life knowing very little.  Most are attracted by the "whips and chains" only to realize there is a great deal more to it than it.  Sex and scenes are wonderful yet they are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  BDSM entails delving deep into oneself, to the core, to determine what is there.  Our natural desires, passions, and excitement are all aligned when we spend time uncovering what they are.  BDSM provides the avenue for us to express this.

The problem with growth is that it entails change.  This is something that most people do not openly embrace.  To change means altering the way something is done.  While it sounds simple in theory, in practice it is rather difficult.  The reason for this is that change, most times, involves pain.  To change. we must step out of our comfort zone.  We usually have to look at something about ourselves that is not very comfortable.  Having that mirror reflecting back to us the way we truly are, or how others see us, is not easy.  It hurts our pride, esteem, self-worth, and can cause us to get defensive.  Of course, we are confronted with two options when placed in this position: change or bury our heads in the sand.  Those who choose the later end up repeating their behavior because nothing changes in the end.  However, those who are interested in forging ahead will embrace what is shown and make the necessary changes.  This is where growth comes from.

I once heard a spiritual teacher say "if one had to wait for the idiot to be ready to grow for growing to be done, then no growing would be done".  The point is that growth does not come easy or when we want it.  In life, things arise when we least expect it and we are challenged to expand in some capacity.  It is the process of going through these things which gives up the expanding of our abilities i.e. growth.  As stated, this applies to all areas of our lives.

Going through this process can be frustrating and painful.  For those into protocol, think of the difficulty you first had mastering the different slave positions.  Anyone who learned these understands it is not an easy process.  Another area that exemplifies how growth can hurt is by those who are into pain.  Consider what you went through to push the limits and increase your pain tolerance.  For many, this is a process that can hurt.  Nevertheless, the process is worth it when you emerge on the other side and your limits are expanded.

One aspect of this is the self image we have of ourselves.  We all have a particular image in our minds of how we view ourselves.  Depending upon the person, this can be either over or under inflated.  Some people have a rather high opinion of themselves while others have a negative view.  Naturally, most of us fall somewhere in the middle.  The point is that how we view ourselves is often inaccurate as compared to how others see us.  When we are referring to qualities such as caring, compassionate, disciplined, dependable, consistent, etc...there are times when we feel we are this way when, in fact, the exact opposite is true.  In other words, how other perceive us (or our actions) is different from what we think they are.  As mentioned, many times we believe we are "better" than we are which causes us problems with those we interact with.  Perhaps that is the reason why he or she was no longer interested.  Here we are believing that we are sensational when we are actually showing the world what an asshole we truly are.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to continually seek out those situations in which we can grow and change.  BDSM mandates that we strive to improve in all areas of life.  If we want to be better masters or slaves, we need to look at our shortcomings and work to resolve them.  Fear is a tremendous enemy which causes many to remain right where they are.  Change can be a scary thing.  However, repeating the same behavior is not conductive to forging better relationship.  I see too many people who are in this life 20 years but do not have 20 years worth of growth and experience.  Instead, they have 1 year that is repeated 20 times.  After their initial entry into this way of life, they simply remained the same.  All research, internal processing, and experimentation stopped because they thought they knew it all.  Ultimately, they lost the ability to change.

In closing, change is not easy.  Nobody likes having to get serious and honest with oneself.  What is even harder is when someone close points this out to us.  At times, it will feel like a dagger being driven into us.  The pain can be unbearable at time (amazing how tied we can become to our own self image).   Yet it is this pain which will put us at the crossroad to either growing or remaining the same.  Life, and the people in it, provides continual feedback as to how we are viewed.  Embracing what we are shown, while hard, can lead us to completely transform as people.  Perhaps that is what is required to keep that slave that is about ready to leave you because you tend to be more asshole than dominant.  This can change if you are willing to listen to what is feed back to you.  This requires a swallowing of one's pride.  Nevertheless, the possibilities become multiplied when you do this.  Remember, relationships are two way streets even within the power exchange structure.

DN 

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February 15, 2015

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Why 50 Shades of Grey Is A Good Thing


I am deviating from my writing about the primal which I posted yesterday with the promise of a follow up to put up something that I think is important to discuss.  We all know the 50 Shades movement is going full force.  Now I must start by stating that I have not read the books nor seen the movie yet.  However, I read enough reviews of the book by people in the lifestyle to understand what it is about.

50 Shades of Grey, for those who live under a rock, is a FICTIONAL BDSM romance novel that took the world by storm.  Millions of copies of the trilogy were sold making the writer a sensational to lonely housewives and those bored with their mundane relationships.  Of course, the fact that it is fiction ought to tell you something about the accuracy of the writing.  From what I heard, leaving the fact that it was poorly written in the view of many, this work was very successful at reaching the goal which was to stimulate the desires, emotions, and fantasies of the readers.  This work was not meant to reflect what true BDSM is about.  Therefore, we cannot look at it through the eyes of realism.

That being said, I am going to state that 50 Shades of Grey was a good thing for our way of life.  I state that knowing that our BDSM "dating" sites are going to be overwhelmed with people who really have no idea what this life is all about and have no desire to live it.  My retort to that is "how is this different from any other day?".  Simply cruise around the web visiting the different sites and you see the majority of people fit into this category anyway.  I started writing this blog a number of years ago to clear up some of the misconceptions that exist out there.   Nevertheless, we all know, from first hand experience, that the nitwits far outnumber the serious people.  Hence, I do not think we are going to see much of a change in that department.

What we might see happen is the numbers game starts to work in our favor.  What do I mean by this?  Most everything is statistical percentages.  Take any group and you can break them down into a number of categories.  No matter what the categories, if the group is large enough, a certain percentage will fit into each one.  This is true no matter how obscure the category is.  Reverting back to our plight in BDSM, 50 Shades of Grey moved BDSM into mainstream conversation.  This is a good thing.  No longer are we only talked about in the dark corners of society.  The thoughts and desires that many were having is not open discussion in coffee shops and water coolers.

Therefore, I am convinced that a percentage of the people who are exposed to BDSM via this avenue will, eventually, research and learn what is truly going on.  The seed was planted and the desires were flamed.  Yes, I agree most look at it in the same way lonely housewives read other romance novels.  Being divorced from reality means that most will not find anything resembling the book.  However, there is a category of 50 Shade readers/viewers who will delve deeper.  I do not know the percentage but even if it is 1/2 of 1%, that is a big number considering this film is reaching millions of people (as the books did).  I hypothesize we will have more people truly living this way of life in the future because of these works.  Of course, we will have to still sift through a lot of garbage to get to that point.

The bottom line is we never know what the trigger is within someone that will set him or her on this path.  Many of us were "inspired" by non-traditional avenues which ignited our search.  Over the years, I heard of people being intrigued by movies such as Planet of the Apes or Hostel.  We know the porn industry has done a great deal, both good and bad, to plant seeds within people.  Others were somewhat awakened by getting a spanking when younger.  My point is that no matter what the source, if one is stimulated to the point where he or she investigates this way of life in greater depth, then that can only help us.  Yes the vast majority who show up are going to be 50 Shade fools who are completely out of touch with what is going on.  However, one thing to keep in mind is that these works were not the first BDSM "romance" novels to appear.  Authors such as Chelsie Sinclair were writting BDSM novels for years.  Her works cannot be considered completely accurate either but they were instrumental in driving many people to this way of life.

In closing, remember the idea of percentages.  50 Shades of Grey is awakening millions of people to the fact that there is something different from the traditional model out there.  Yes, I know it is painting an unrealistic picture of our lifestyle but it is a work of fiction.  It is up to us to take the people who have an open mind coupled with a desire to delve deeper and point those individuals in the proper direction.  There are blogs and posts all over the place which convey accurate information on both the submissive and dominant side of things.  Point these people to these sources to aid them in their search.  Post the links on your profile pages on the different sites you are on in an effort to expose people to what you consider true picture of how we really are.  If all of us do a few things each day to enhance and expand this way of life, we can make an incredible difference.  The Internet, albeit with its shortcomings, is a terrific multiplier of information.  When we post a link, we have no idea who nor how many people will click on it.  Ultimately, things can take on a life of their own on this medium.  Do you part and get posting.

DN 

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