August 20, 2014

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Fulfillment and Happiness


I am going to delve into something that seems completely off the wall to many people, at least according to the actions I see online.  Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me the mindset that so many people have when entering this lifestyle.  For whatever reason, they feel like they entered a completely different dimension while leaving all logic and sensibility behind.  I don't know, perhaps it is just the online world but it is rather disturbing.  Nevertheless, maybe a bit of what I set down here today will help clarify some things.

What Are Relationships For?

This is an important question to consider.  Why does one get into a relationship with another?  In the BDSM world, why does a submissive seek out a dominant and what is she looking for?  Knowing the answer to this is crucial to the success of the relationship.  Now I will admit that each individual is unique in terms of her specifics.  However, we can draw some wide generalizations to encompass the overall idea.  Ironically, the reasoning is going to mirror everyone else in the world.

So why does anyone enter into a relationship?  The answer is simple: they seek to be happy and fulfilled.  I believe this is true for all types whether heterosexual, homosexual, or BDSM.  The only difference is what an individual is seeking yet the reasoning is the same.

What is interesting is that many of the so called dominants online do not consider this when approaching a submissive/slave.  Instead, they operate from the perspective that only their needs and desires matter.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave is not going to remain in a relationship, if she is a healthy individual, if she is unhappy and unfulfilled.  Sadly, many of the moronic individuals we see in such huge numbers online feel that fulfillment comes from sucking them off and serving them dinner.  While these acts can be satisfying to a sub/slave, if that is all there is, she will end up empty inside.  In short, the relationship will not fill a need for her.

Therefore, we must consider some of the basic areas which she needs attention:

-Sexual
-Domestic
-Intellectual
-Emotional
-Intimacy
-Grow
-Challenge
-Companionship
-Comfort/Safety

These are just a few of the areas that most subs/slaves require a dominant one to fulfill.  And finding one who is able to address all those areas is one of the challenges for the sub/slave when she is seeking.  Based upon my encounters online, it seems few are able to even consider what is most important outside of his own needs.

A Two-Way Street

A relationship is a two-way street.  Many of you saw me write this on numerous occasions.  Again, we see this idea is shunned by the dumbmasses since it is evident that the overwhelming belief is that only one person matters.  This is another viewpoint which is responsible for much of the failure within the BDSM community.

This is an idea that I am going to start harping upon more from now one.  One of the most flawed outlooks is that a dominant is better than a submissive.  This is incorrect.  One does not have more worth in the relationship nor more responsibility to the success of it.  Instead, each are equal in that regard.  A dominant and submissive are just different, not better or worse.  Therefore, when approaching a relationship, they have different needs looking to be fulfilled.  What is interesting is that both parties have the responsibility of fulfilling the other.  This is a point missed by so many.  Let me write that again: both parties have equal responsibility of fulfilling the other.  I believe you will find this is a much different approach than what is commonly expressed on the BDSM dating sites.

Now I am going to set out something that is never discussed in the BDSM world yet is so vital.  Whenever a sub/slave is interacting with a dominant with the idea of having something longer term, that individual needs to be asking "what is he going to do for me".  Again, this seems counter intuitive to the prevailing mindset yet it is vital.  A dominant has a responsibility to serve a submissive.  Yes you read that correctly.  When entering into the relationship, he is agreeing to serve her.  Now, bear in mind the form of service is different than what the submissive provides.  However, to ignore the fact that he needs to bring something to the table is misguided.

The abovementioned list is a good starting point.  How is this individual going to meet my needs in these particular areas?  Certainly, the sexual arena is discussed along with the play.  However, what talents and consideration is he going to give to her fulfillment and happiness?  Does he believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street and it is all "do as I say" garbage.  For this reason, a sub/slave needs to take a look at the potential dominant's entire life.  Where does he excel and where does he fail?  Dominants are human beings and perfection is not part of the curriculum.  Nevertheless, a dominant needs to have the interest in having a sub/slave who is fulfilled and the realization that it is his responsibility to help bring that about.  If this is not present, I surmise that the relationship is doomed from the start.

My regular readers know I refer often to a BDSM relationship being about depth.  The idea of this is that fulfillment only comes from having our deeper needs met (true fulfillment that is).  Too many focus upon the sex and play believing that is what a BDSM relationship is all about.  My experience is that is incorrect.  A BDSM relationship is about the growth of each party and the relationship as a whole.  Sometimes one outgrows the other meaning the relationship is destined to fail.  This is acceptable if both are growing albeit one at a much faster pace.  Sadly, the more common situation is where one puts effort into growing while the other does nothing (the dominant most likely).  Ultimately, the sub/slave requires more than this person is even interested in giving.

Remember this idea when interacting with others in the "lifestyle".  We always need to remember that all involved are people.  Just because one has a different core need, that does not make you better or worse than someone else.  And when moving towards a BDSM relationship, there are things which each person is responsible for it both are to attain fulfillment.  AND that is the goal of each when entering a BDSM relationship. 

DN

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August 15, 2014

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Self Improvement


I once had someone tell me that my blog was BDSM mixed with Dale Carnegie.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, he was one of the pioneers in the self help industry.  His most famous book, How To Win Friends and Influence People, is one of the most quoted interpersonal works in this industry.  When this individual told me this, I took it as a compliment.  There are plenty of resources out there which talk about how to tie someone up or what it means to serve.  However, few tend to stray into those matters which we deal with on a daily basis.  I try to do this in my posts.

BDSM Is About Life

I see many use the term "lifestyle" when it comes to BDSM.  In fact, this is a term I often use because it is something we all understand.  Nevertheless, it is a bit misleading in the sense that BDSM is not a lifestyle but, rather, life.  Each of us is living our lives how we see fit.  Entering this realm did not suddenly remove us from the everyday interactions that we had previous.  Most of us still get up and go to work.  Others have family to deal with, both the positive and negative.  Financial issues affect us the same as everyone else.  We encounter loss while enjoying success.  Everything the average person encounters is the same as us.

Of course, we know BDSM is a bit different road than the traditional world.  To start, we structure our relationship in a different manner.  The vanilla world operates mostly upon the myth of equality.  Actually, that is a bit of a misleading statement because it really does not operate on this, just promotes it.  The world is truly run by those with power and, quite frankly, they do not share.  We see the power brokers everywhere from politics to the media to Wall Street.  We only need to look at the energy the 99% movement generated a few years ago to realize that most are on the outside looking in.  If equality was truly the model, those demonstrations would never occur.

Within the context of BDSM, we openly embrace the fact that equality does not exist.  Our relationships are structured based upon an exchange of power where one is in control with the other being controlled.  It takes both parties to complete a BDSM relationship utilizing all the interpersonal skills that are paramount to relationship success in all walks of life.  This is not exclusive or non-inclusive to BDSM.  In that regard, we are the same as everyone else.

At the same time, we can achieve depths that few can reach.  Because of the openness and trust factor of the BDSM relationship, this type of interaction tends to far surpass that of the traditional model.  When I discuss the core of an individual, that is the place that we all seek to connect at.  My experience and observation is that this level is not achieved in most vanilla relationships.  Ultimately, it takes great strength to give one's life over to another while those person taking her on accepts tremendous responsibility.  This is something that is non-existent in an equal parity structure.

That being said, the simple fact is that life is still life.  We deal with all the same issues as everyone else.  Entering BDSM does not exempt us from any of the trials and tribulations that others experience.  To believe so is engaging upon fantasy.  BDSM is life...that is all.

CANI

This is an idea that Tony Robbins touts quite regularly.  CANI stands for constant and never ending improvement.  I can not think of something more applicable to the BDSM world than this idea especially after reading thousands of submissive profiles over the years.  One of the common complaints is that dominants do not learn.  In talking with many over the years, I learned that many BDSM relationships end simply because the sub/slave outgrows the dom/master.  It is sad to think how one gets involved with someone but, because of his refusal to grow, the relationship ultimately dies.  Of course, what is truly disheartening is this is often caused by arrogance and laziness.

The truth is there is always something new for us to learn.  Whether one is a sub or dom, this idea applies equally.  Life is a constant, unfolding situation with new events continually arising.  Over time, our life changes and we become different people.  If attention is not paid, it is easy for those in a relationship to "grow apart".  Therefore, it is incumbent upon each individual to embracing both personal growth and the growth of the relationship.

Before going any further, I must state that this concept applies to a great deal more than your "BDSM talents".  When I say growing within the confines of BDSM, most automatically think of the ability to ties one up or getting into electrical play.  While these are wonderful skills to acquire and develop, they are not the major part of the deal.  Instead, we need to look deeper at the type of people we are and where our hangups are.

To start, my observation is that most submissive types are overrun with fear.  It is a major element within them.  As a dominant, it is your responsibility to remove this fear.  The question is are you skilled at this?  Are you able to recognize it when it arises?  Can you see it in her eyes?  Or do you add to it with your immature approach to BDSM by behaving in domineering ways?  At the same time, how are you at the psychological aspects of slavery.  While many ask for this, few can fulfill it since they truly do not understand how the mind works.  At the same time, do you have the ability to control yourself emotionally and the discipline to do what is required?  A dominant is one who is to lead the relationship.  However, it is hypocritical and destructive for one to tell another to do something he, himself, cannot do.

It is a simple truth that we all have things we can work on.  None of us are perfect nor all knowing.  There is always something else to uncover and explore.  Usually, we are given signs each day of what required attention simply by observing how we react.  If one is continually exploding and entering into a state of rage, this is a signal perhaps some underlying anger needs addressing.  Or if one finds herself repeatedly crying throughout the day, then it might mean that something is amiss.  Either way, everyone has something to concentrate upon.

Yes, it is wonderful to be involved in the world of whips and chains.  Nevertheless, it is vital to remember that even the most skilled dominant in terms of BDSM play can be a total prick to live with.  In fact, judging from the egos I witness, I feel this is a factual statement.  Long term BDSM success means that we are able to interact with a variety of people on many different levels.  Over time, we encounter people from many different backgrounds and experiences.  Some come to us with things such as depression or self worth issues.  Others were abused.  Most tend to stuff things meaning there are plenty of issues to work through.  Fear, insecurity, and negative projections are frequent escorts along the life journey and necessitate constant attention.  Trust, or lack of, is a major factor for most meaning that dominant needs to be consistent in his actions and responses; failure to acquire this ability will only magnify the distrust.

BDSM is a journey within.  Too many focus upon the BDSM relationship, especially when new.  They get so wrapped up with the idea of getting with someone that they miss the most crucial aspects which is their own development.  It is paramount that before one is able to fully give to another, he or she must develop something within oneself.  BDSM, while similar to the traditional world in many ways, is also a different cup of tea.  Therefore, consistent internal exploration is necessary if one is to grow and prosper in this way of life.  Ultimately, to me, BDSM is about becoming the best people we can be and this is achieved by always improving ourselves and, in turn, our relationships.

DN 

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August 13, 2014

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Robin Williams' Death: An Eye Opener


The past few days witnessed an outpouring of the recently departed Robin Williams.  Sadly, it took his passing to bring some of the issues that exist within society to light.  As most of you are aware, Williams suffered both from substance abuse and depression (i.e. mental illness).  Unfortunately, most of our culture is unaware of how tragic these things can be.  Hopefully, Williams' passing will open up some eyes.

The Outside Might Not Reflect The Inside

There are a couple lessons from Robin Williams' tragic death that we can take with us.  To start, it is crucial to realize that we never know what someone is suffering from.  Unless someone comes out and tells us that he or she suffers from depression, as an example, there really is no way of telling from the outside.  Therefore, always remember that you do not know what is going through the head of the one you are with no matter how much you believe that you do.

From the outside, Williams had it all.  His ability translated into making millions of people laugh over the course of decades.  He was one of Hollywood's top comedic actors raking in a fortune for his work.  Fame, fortune, and a loving wife were all his.  Yet, none of this translated within him.  Instead, he resided in what was a very dark place based upon the route he took.  In short, ending his life seemed, to him, as the only means of dealing with what was taking place within him.  The pain of death was surpassed by the pain of living. 

Keep this in mind when you are dealing with someone who is close to you.  I have not read the percentages of the number of people who suffer from a mental illness but I can assure you it is more than we conclude.  Therefore, it is highly likely that someone you are involved with or potentially could be involved with suffers from this problem.  Because of the stigma associated with this, few are willing to talk about it even with their closest partner.  Society views afflictions of this nature as moral/strength issues as opposed to something as real as a broken leg.  This translates into individuals hiding what is going on with them usually to the point where it is too late.

Keep Things In Perspective

It is easy to get caught up in all that is going on with our lives.  People, by their nature, tend to want to project negatively while focusing upon all that is wrong with their lives.  It is amazing how someone can have 100 things going absolutely ideal and concentrate all the attention on the one unresolved issue.  This puts them in a place of misery and anguish while not being able to enjoy things.

In the BDSM world, we talk about all the fakes, liars, scammers, and how hard it is to find someone real.  At the same time, for those in relationships, there are also a host of issues to deal with.  Contrary to what many new people seem to believe, being involved in BDSM does NOT except you from life.  All the stuff vanilla people deal with is present in our lives.  Finances, career, family, and illness are all part of the deal.  None of us get to run from this.

Robin Williams takes his own life should help each of us keep things in perspective.  Now, do not misunderstand me; I am not downplaying the situations in your life.  Things occur for each of us which can be pretty tragic.  However, try to imagine what was going on between Williams' ears when he made that fateful decision earlier this week.  When you consider this, it makes dealing with another pretender seem mundane and not really worthy of mentioning.

The bottom line is that our fulfillment and happiness are vitally important.  So many believe that a BDSM relationship is one-sided with a sub/slave giving all and the dom/master garnering all the pleasure.  If this is your belief, I suggest you change it.  People, even the lowliest of slaves, are entitled to be happy and fulfilled.  And, as I stated on here many times, sucking your cock and taking off your boots is a rather non-fulfilling existence.  If you find yourself in a situation such as this, I will tell you that perhaps you ought to look for something different.  Talk to your partner and if you cannot get through to him or her, then look for another.  It really is that simple.  Robin Williams showed us how precious and temporal life can be.  At any moment, we can reach the end.  Make the most out of each interaction while you have the chance. 

DN 

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August 8, 2014

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What The Hell Do You Want?


This post is a direct result of reading hundreds of profiles online.  After going through this, I am often left with the question, what the hell does she want?  In other words, what is being sought.  The reason I bring this up is simply because few seem to have any clue whatsoever.  Of course, this is not surprising since so many seem to be playing games as opposed to seeking something real and genuine.

To Thine Own Self Be True

This is a line from Shakespeare that still holds true 400 years later.  It is YOUR responsibility to be true to yourself and what it is you desire.  The world offers many things to you yet it is your place to decide exactly what you seek.  Failure to do this leads to confusion and a total lack of clarity.  We see this everyday in the BDSM world.

I often write how one's journey into BDSM starts by going within oneself to uncover what is there.  Few, in their vanilla life, ever took the time to do this.  Sure, most fantasized over the years.  However, as we know, this is only a small piece of a much larger puzzle.  At the same time, romance novels, especially of the BDSM variety, can create some wonderful ideas which most often are unrealistic (stop seeking the billionaire dominant like in 50 Shades...he most likely does not exist).  Getting to know oneself is crucial if you are to have any success in the BDSM world.  The reason for this is simple: BDSM is such a wide-open lifestyle that people basically have unlimited choices.  This is a marked difference from society which often limits our choices which, while enslaving, is also comforting.  Being able to choose whatever one desires means being responsible in those choices.

Therefore, when one looks within him or herself, it is vital that all aspects and desires are sought.  Of course, it is important to bear in mind that a lot will change as the years go by.  Nevertheless, we all need to start somewhere knowing that this is an undertaking which will continue repeatedly over time.  A good question to ask oneself is "what the hell do I want?".  Believe it or not, this is something that few do.  Rarely does a person know what he or she desires.  Without searching, we are left to the programming we received from society.  Sadly, what might hold true in the vanilla world is not always applicable to a BDSM relationship even though we are dealing with a relationship.

Perfect

Another point that closely relates to this is the ones who post how they are "looking for the perfect dominant" or the "right slave".  I have news for you, this person does not exist.  To prove this point, I will point to all you people who were married, especially those multiple times.  Isn't it true that each of your spouses, at one time, was the "right" one.  At the start of the relationship, this is true.  Naturally, by the time the divorce proceedings took place, an entirely different viewpoint is present.  Far eastern philosophies sum this up by simply stating that we do not fall in love with a person but the image we have created of the person.  Over time, as we get to know him or her (read live under the same roof), the image is shattered and replaced with a different reality.  Hence the idealism we once had is smashed.

Understanding this point is important in one's quest.  You can hold out for the perfect or right individual or internalize that this person does not exist so opting for this path means waiting a long time.  Perhaps that is why there are so many out there who truly seek something genuine but do not have it.  Holding out for the perfect person means that you might miss a number of ones who are ideal, albeit flawed, for you.

Now, please understand I am not saying that one should shed his or her standards.  Once you do the internal search to seek something in particular, hold yourself to that.  Too many people allow fear and loneliness to enter into their thinking.  The profiles I respect are the ones who state that they are holding out until they find what they seek.  While there are many who are hung up on the perfection, there are also equally the same number who are simply refusing to lower their standards.  Once again, when loneliness sets in and it seems the entire world is in a relationship, one is apt to try and push things forward.  This usually means succumbing to that internal struggle by getting involved with someone who is not up to par. 

So, while perfection is not something that should be sought, neither should one submit to just any Tom,Dick, or Harry simply because she is lonely.  You can find what you are seeking with enough time and patience.  Sure it is difficult yet it is far easier if you have a clue what it is you want in the first place.

Therefore, in closing, it might be best to take out a piece of paper and answer this question: what the hell do I want from my life in BDSM?  Answer this and you are well on your way to achieving that end.

DN

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August 6, 2014

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Reliable and Dependable


This is a topic that I really have not delved too much into. In fact, it is something that we rarely discuss in the BDSM world.  However, we do touch upon it via other topics which appear more common.  That being said, it is best to uncover some of the basics about how we should all seek to be.

Trust

We refer to the subject of trust quite often.  Many feel this is the basis of the BDSM relationship.  I will go one step further and mention that it is the foundation for all relationships.  Without it, there really is not a relationship.  Who wants to interact with someone they cannot trust?  We all know the feeling of encountering someone who is the sort that leaves you feeling that you need to hold onto your wallet.  A person of this nature is one who seems like he (or she) cares nothing about anyone else.  He is always in it for himself.  Obviously this is not a terrific way to endear trust among one's fellow man.  Of course, it is no surprise that we see so many dominants in the BDSM world operate in the exact same manner.  And people wonder why there is so little trust among people within this lifestyle.

When we refer to trust, what is it that we really mean?  The word is tossed around, usually in the context of not being able to trust, yet few really take the time to consider what is at the core.  When we trust someone, what we ultimately do is depend upon them.  A person worthy of trust showed him or herself to be reliable.  In other words, we can predict with a high degree of certainty what their actions or reactions will be.  They have a consistency in their interaction which is predictable.  This fosters the feeling of trust within another since that person behaves in a consistent manner.  Contrast this with the person who is the proverbial "loose cannon.  An individual of this demeanor is one who has a difficult time generating trust among co-workers or friends.  He is always acting in ways that are unpredictable.  While spontaneous action is a healthy thing, too much of it means that one is truly unreliable.  Sadly, we see way too much of this behavior especially within the BDSM community.

Dependence

Dependence is a topic that causes great confusion.  Throughout life, we are taught that it is unhealthy to be dependent upon another.  People with dependence problems tend to suffer from low self esteem while gravitating towards unhealthy relationships.  The reason for this is because he or she lacks the ability to be alone.  The poor self esteem means that one is "happier" being in a relationship even if it is unhealthy as opposed to being alone.  This same motivation is also what keeps one in a terrible situation as opposed to leaving.  Obviously, from this perspective, dependence is a bad thing.

However, if we go a bit further in our search, we can uncover some things which show us that dependence is not a bad thing at all.  In fact, in all healthy relationships, there is a need for it.  I will insert my usual caveat and mention that we need to separate the unhealthy individuals who suffer from horrific self esteem from the average person who enters the BDSM world.  When one is comfortable with him or herself, dependence is an asset in one's relationship.

Being dependent does not mean one is weak.  This is a common mistake people make.  One can be very strong while also being dependent upon another.  In fact, in a BDSM relationship, it is a natural transition.  The structure of the BDSM relationship means that each individual has certain roles to fulfill.  At the basic level, one dominates while the other submits.  It is through these acts that each person provides something the other needs.  Without submission, there is nobody to dominate and the other way around.  While the exchange of power is total, especially in M/s, each person's input into the relationship is equal.  Both have responsibility to the other.  It is through fulfilling these responsibilities that the parties become to depend upon each other.

So what does this really mean?  Another way of phrasing it is the sub, as an example, comes to be able to count upon her dominant.  The reverse is also true.  Through consistent action, decision-making, and emotional control, each party basically knows what the other is going to do.  There is no fear or concern if something will be provided or not.  When the sub needs the safe space it is available to her....all the time.  At the same time, when the dominant is in need of his sub, she is there to fulfill what is required of her.  Each person shows up and handles his/her roles in the relationship.  A dominant making consistent, concise decisions will provide the forum for a submissive to rely upon.  Notice how it is a two-way street.  In a healthy BDSM relationship, both the dominant and submissive come to depend (rely) upon each other.

Starts With Oneself

As with most everything I write about, reliability starts with oneself.  It is unrealistic to expect one to depend upon you if you are, indeed, not dependable.  Therefore, it is important to look at your own life and actions to determine how you fare in this area.  It is a sad truth that few are people who are called "dependable".  Most people operate from a haphazard perspective bouncing around unclear about what is desired or required.  A lack of clarity does not lead to reliable decisions.  Hence, one needs to focus upon what is truly desired or needed before moving forward.

Part of the process of becoming reliable is to garner the discipline within oneself to do what is required.  For those who are into health and weight loss, there is a set of consistent actions which must be taken to reach the desired goal.  Many of these actions are difficult in the face of temptation.  Thus, one needs to exert discipline within oneself to consistently keep taking the proper action.  It is this consistency which allows one to reach his or her goals.

Getting back to trust, the problem most people have with this topic is that they cannot trust themselves.  Most people have a difficult time keeping promises.  However, what makes this even more destructive is that the easiest promises to break are those made with oneself.  Over time, we let ourselves down so much that we know we cannot rely upon ourselves to take the action needed.  This mindset enters into all of our interactions because, if I am not reliable, how can anyone else be?  Ergo, we see how important it is to be able to trust oneself before trusting another.

In closing, consistency is something that we all need to strive for.  Look at your life and ask yourself where can you become more consistent.  Remember, it is through this that one creates the confidence to be able to take the proper action when needed.  It is also the means which those around us do the same.  Ponder the impact of this upon your BDSM relationship if you are in one.  Consistency in your actions and responses will put your partner on much firmer footing with you.  Whether you are dominant or submissive, it is equally important for you to internalize this point.  A BDSM relationship is really no different from any other relationship once we set the power exchange aspect aside.  And ultimately, if you cannot trust or depend upon the person you are interacting with, what is there to that interaction?  Is it not really a waste of time?

DN  

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August 4, 2014

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Domination Versus Abuse


Difference between dominance and abuse:

A dominant seeks to control another to meet his AND her needs....an abuser seeks to control another to meet his needs without the slightest thought of her.


DN

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Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

August 1, 2014

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Respect: Where Did It Go?


Respect is something that is often discussed within the BDSM community, especially in the online world.  Sadly, like many other topics, it is turned around with fantasy and stupidity reigning supreme.  Therefore, I thought it a good idea to clarify matters a bit on this to try and assist people in their interactions.

Given Or Earned

The old saying is "respect is not given, it is earned".  While this is a valid point, I find it to be only partially true.  Respect is something that is both given and it is earned.  This is an idea that many overlook.  The simple fact is both components are necessary.

I see so many who demand respect.  This is the wrong approach also.  One cannot demand something like this from another.  Under the two aforementioned parts, being given and earning respect is not done via demands.  This is bullying and pure insanity..

Respect needs to be freely given to one based upon the simple fact he or she is a human being.  There is no need to be disrespectful in a new interaction.  I know, all the wannbe doms are having a fit.  Their belief system is that you do not respect a sub.  If that is your viewpoint, read some of my posts regarding the value and worth of submissive types.  A dominant is not "better" than a submissive, simply different.  And it takes both a dominant and a submissive to complete a BDSM relationship.  You cannot dominate without having anyone to submit to and vice versa.  The only inequality in a BDSM relationship is in terms of power.  This is the one thing that is exchanged or established on an non-equal basis.

Therefore, everyone deserves respectful interaction.  Even those who desire to be treated like pigs are worthy of respect.  Simply because one desires degradation, that does not mean she wants it from you.  Approach her with respect until you established the foundation where you are one she wants to be degraded by.  In other words, get her permission.  Her likes and kinks do not translate into wanting that from everyone.

Another thing to keep in mind is the one following his or her true core is highly worthy of respect.  So many in life do the exact opposite.  They succumb to the wishes of society and those around them.  One who takes the journey inward to uncover what is deep within oneself is walking through a great deal of fear to arrive at the conclusions he or she does.  This is critical step to take and one that is not done easily.  Hence, we need to be mindful of the depth and power one's submissiveness holds.  This is especially true for the slaves who seem to be open to total abuse from the pretenders who fail to realize how difficult it is to embrace the fact that she wants to live TPE with another.  It takes great strength to submit to another.

At the same time, respect is also earned.  Outside of the respect of being a human being and the position one occupies, there is also the respect that comes from interacting with one.  This is determined by how one behaves.  Again, the dimwits who demand respect are showing exactly how unworthy they are of it.  The only way to garner this is to let our actions and ideas do the talking for us.  What you think, believe, and how you carry yourself are crucial.  This is what allows another to really latch onto something that he or she can be proud of.  Failure to do this means that you are apt to be looked at in negative light.  This does not bode well for being respected.

Courtesy

A large part of respect is common courtesy.  This is something that is completely absent from the BDSM world, especially online.  People talk about honor but it is just another word.  There is little honor within the community today because people are too full of themselves.  They believe the garbage that is spewed online thus concluding that they do not have to be courteous to another.  This is completely wrong.

Now before going any further, I will state that it is acceptable for one to receive a non-pleasant response when you started with the asinine attacks.  I have no problem with a sub/slave replying to one of the rude emails with a "you are a small-cocked, insecure, little boy who needs to be tied to a St Andrews Cross and be whipped until you get a clue" message of her own.  This is well-deserved and more of that should take place.  The belief system that exists online shows how rude the general populous truly is.

That being said, it is best to approach each interaction with common courtesy.  There is nothing wrong with "please" and "thank you" even if it is given to a submissive (and no, using these words does not make you less dominant).  It is perfectly acceptable to approach someone with a pleasantry or compliment based upon what you read or saw.  Ma'am and Sir are not only reserved for dominant yet can be applied to submissives as well.  Anything that works in the real world is applicable.

Another area I see a lack of respect or non-courteous behavior is when replying to another.  I witnessed this behavior in many different areas but it is all the same.  It is quite rude to not respond to someone.  Now, I will place my proverbial caveat here by stating that the bonehead emails do not require a response.  Nor do the obvious cut/paste variety which are also commonplace.  However, if someone does take the time to write you a nice email, one that is personalized, at least have the courtesy to reply to it.  Even if you are not interested, send back an email thanking him or her for the interest while stating that you do not think there is anything to pursue.  Of course, this harkens to the buttheads again who receive a reply of this sort only to respond in a rude manner.  Have some respect for yourself man and move on.  Acting like a spoiled little brat is not what domination is all about.

Replying to someone shows them respect and that you are a courteous individual.  Ignoring someone is basically telling them you are not worthy of my time.  If this is truly how you feel about someone, then eliminate him or her from your life.  Stop the interaction immediately and move on.  However, if you do believe the other person has worth, whether it is a relationship with the capital R or just a friendship, then the other individual warrants respect from you.  Treating someone like they are a telemarketer or some other solicitor is not a courteous way to interact.  This applies to emails, texts, or phone interaction.  To not reply on a consistent basis means you are rude.  And, quite frankly, if you are rude, then you most likely do not deserve the respect from whomever you are interacting with.

Can Say Does NOT Mean Should Say

The final area that I want to delve into deals with what one can versus should say.  There is a saying which applies to dominants which says "just because one can does not mean he should".  This has obvious implications.  Simply because it is within the realm of a dominant's power to do something to a submissive, that does not mean he should.  There are always variables to consider including psychological or emotional harm inflicted upon the submissive.  To me, inflicting this is not domination but abuse.

However, this idea does not apply only to actions taken.  It also applies to words.  Many believe it is their right to say whatever they want to someone without consideration of the consequences.  They failed to realize that silence truly indeed is golden.  People like this often hide behind the guise of being honest.  Yet, what is most often happening is that they are simply are exhibiting their insecurity via their need to tear others down.  This is a classic maneuver of one who suffers from poor self esteem.

***Of course, I am going to put in my caveat here again.  There are times  when one is within his or her right to reply in an unkind and brutally honest manner.  Some simply cannot take a hint when you try to say something in a respectful manner.  This is especially true if you are met with rudeness yourself.  It is always best to try to take the high road but there are times getting into the sewer is simply unavoidable.

Therefore, we need to monitor what comes out of our mouths.  Stating something that is true but unkind not only makes you honest, but also a jerk.  I can go up to someone and tell her that she is fat yet what does it accomplish.  It is mean spirited and really serves no purpose other than to harm her.  Sure, it might be true but is woefully unnecessary.  It shows extreme disrespect for the other person in addition to ourselves.  When we behave like this we are telling the world, or at least all within hearing distance, that we have no control over our mouths (usually stemming from the inability to control our emotions).  The key is to learn to respond as opposed to reacting.  Reacting is nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction whereas responding means you put some thought into what you are saying. 

For Yourself

The final area where respect is applicable and necessary is as it pertains to oneself.  I see so many who tolerate behavior which is completely unacceptable.  Whatever the cause, there simply is no reason for it.  Whenever I see a situation such as this, the thought that enters my mind is "have some respect for yourself and get out of it".  Of course, this is easy to paint with a broad brush since situations tend not to be that easy.  However, the main point is there.

No matter what you are in this lifestyle, master, dominant, sub, or slave, have some respect for yourself.  This means that you do not have to tolerate behavior that you find intolerable.  It is well within your right to tell the other person to stop or get lost.  We all should have standards of conduct which we accept.  Anything that falls short of that behavior should be mentioned and eliminated.  There is no reason for you to deal with anything that is unacceptable, especially on a repeated basis.  I do not care what he (usually) states is your place.  A BDSM relationship is one built upon many factors and trust is one of them.  If a dominant is going to continually do things which are unacceptable to a sub, that trust diminishes instantly.  There is no prospect of long term success under these conditions.  Nevertheless. too many "geniuses" overlook this simple point.

There are a lot of abusers out there who prey upon the naive and innocent.  The BDSM world attracts them in droves because it provides an ideal forum where a guy with woman issues can take it out physically and mentally.  This is what turns a BDSM interaction into abuse.  The intent to harm or inflict pain in a manner that is not desired is their main objective.  In short, they want to hurt another (and bad in some instances).  Many fall into this trap since they do not have the proper respect for themselves.  Hold yourself to high esteem and realize you are worthy of treatment that is not abusive.  If you fail to respect yourself, others will follow suit.  Therefore, for you own fulfillment and safety, it is crucial that you respect yourself.  Besides, there is no reason not to.

DN 

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July 29, 2014

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Consistency: Crucial For A Dominant


Today is going to be a short post on a subject that I find extremely important.  Many like to write and discuss all the things a submissive is going to do for her dominant.  However, few want to delve into the other side of the equation.  Within a BDSM relationship, both parties have equal responsibility to give to the relationship.  Many seem to believe since we are involved in power exchange, that somehow that means (one) the dominant receives all the benefit.  Wrong.  Each person has a role to fulfill within the relationship and failure to provide that will increase the chance of the failing of the relationship taking place.

To me, a critical component of what a dominant provides to one he owns is consistency.  This is something that cannot be overlooked for the simple fact it will become something she can count upon.  There is nothing more difficult than for a submissive to constantly be guessing what emotional state she will encounter when seeing her dominant.  Since she is in the position to follow, she is taking her cues from him.  This means that if he is erratic, her behavior cannot help but to be the same.

I have no idea how many times I wrote this but I will do it again: before one can dominate or control another, he first much dominate/control himself.  So many miss this basic point.  They believe that having the quality of domination at one's core and reading a few websites equates to being able to dominate another human being.  This is absolute garbage.  Only those who are in control of themselves are able to properly carry that to another person.

Therefore, it is crucial for a dominant to be consistent in all he does with his submissive.  This starts with emotional control and avoiding the highs and lows of it all.  A submissive will fare much better when she knows what is walking through the door and not having to guess how he will react.  Also, a dominant should be consistent with his goals/objectives for her.  Failure to do so will create the proverbial moving target which is almost impossible to hit.  Finally, when things go wrong, he must be consistent with his discipline of her when it is warranted.  If she feels she can get away with things, she will either lose respect for him or test where the moving boundaries are, neither of which is a pleasant situation.  Consistency eliminates these problems.

A submissive will do much better when her dominant behaves in a consistent manner over time.  This fact is magnified when one is involved in a TPE M/s situation where power over all things resides in the hands of the master.  Uncertainty on any level is never a good thing for a slave and it is compounded when it is caused by the master's actions.  He is there to provide her clarity, not add to her burdens.

Therefore, begin to focus upon how you can be consistent in all you do.  It is always best to remember that a sub/slave is watching everything you do and listening to what you say.  Everything you do impacts her while making an imprint upon her psyche.  Consistency is imperative if you are going to ensure the impact is not negative.  And, as we all know, it is impossible to take back words (or undo actions) once they are released.

DN  

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July 28, 2014

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Approaching Online


Today I am going to write about something that seems to be a universal truth across the online BDSM world.  I really do not care what site it is on, who is involved, or the ages of the people participating, this happens repeatedly and almost every submissive individual will back me up on this.  Of course, since Dominants tend not to read, it is highly unlikely that many are going to be helped.  Nevertheless, I will put it in writing and maybe a few of you will find this beneficial.

The First Email

People on BDSM dating sites, like vanilla ones, tend to approach someone via email.  This makes sense since we are in the virtual world.  If I was an offline dating expert, this would be called the approach.  Therefore, we must take into consideration what approach we use to garner one's attention.

Before going any further, let us look at two kinds of emails that submissive ones normally receive.

"Hello slut.  You are meant to serve me.  Contact me back to begin your new life as a piece of meat."

Now we all know this is the stupid "on your knees, bitch" garbage.  Regardless of the terminology used, and it gets worse than this, the point is the same.  Who in their right mind thinks that anyone with any sense would respond to this.  Simply by sending this you are showing yourself to either be an ignorant ass or an abuser who will care nothing for the person(s) you are approaching.  So, I really do not need to elaborate on this one anymore.

The second is something like this:

"Hello. You are a very sexy woman and I would be honored to own you.  I am a 52 year old dominant who is seeking a long term 24/7 relationship with a slave.  I have 20 years experience owning 2 real time slaves over those years.  My style is firm yet caring.  I believe a slave has no rights other than what is granted to her by the Master.  Check out my profile and message me back if there is an interest."

Now, the second one is much better than the first but it still sucks.  And do you know why?  The answer is simply because a submissive is receiving hundreds of emails exactly like this.  You are one of the many.  Everyone is telling her how old he is, what is sought, and how long in the lifestyle.  In other words, there is no meat to what you are saying nor is there any personality.

Therefore, we need to do something to "wow" her.  It is baffling to me how many people think because we entered the world of BDSM that it is something akin to the Twilight Zone.  Do people not realize that the interpersonal skills acquired throughout life are applicable here?  Evidently not.  Nevertheless, we need to do something different to capture our perspective submissive's attention.

Individualize

Our solution is going to be to individualize our message to her.  The aforementioned example is an email that sounds more like one is applying for a job rather than seeking a perspective partner in a relationship.  A lot of the information contained in it should already be posted on the profile.  If you are able to separate yourself from the dumbmasses, she will click your profile and gather all the data on you.  It is at that point when she will decide whether to email you back or not.  My point it is much better for her to decide after reading your profile as opposed to simply deleting your email since you are like the other 150 she received that day.

So how do we go about doing this?  Well, I am going to provide some advanced, high quality maneuvers for online BDSM interaction and how to really get the golden prize.  Follow these secret tips and you will see your success rate jump considerably.

The first secret which is not shared openly with the masses since it is almost never done is to read her profile.  And when I say read, that means focus upon what she wrote and not the picture(s) posted.  If you travel around clicking on different profiles, you will see one of the most common complaints from subs/slaves is that people do not read the profile.  Reading the profile often will reveal useful information such as what she is looking for.  If she is looking for interaction with another woman and you have something hanging down between you legs, no matter how small it is, that disqualifies you.  Sending her an email will only piss her off.  So read the damn profile, it is pack full of nuggets of gold that she is freely giving to you.

Once we read the profile, our next step is to actually focus upon something she wrote.  Take one of those golden nuggets that strikes a cord with you and write a paragraph about it in your email.  So, for example, if she wrote about painting and this is something you have experience in, write her mentioning how you spent two weeks one year at a painter's retreat in Sedona, AZ (if you truly did this).  This shows you actually read what she wrote and that automatically separates you from the masses.

The entire point of this is that you are to treat her as an individual.  Concentrating your attention upon a like (or a dislike) that she has is a wonderful way to open up a conversation.  It gives her a reason to email you back even if she is not totally bowled over by your profile.  Also, it establishes a connection or some common ground for further interaction even if it ultimately does not lead to D/s.  It is a common trait that we like to interact with those we share like interests with. 

Once we do that, we put together a second paragraph telling her a bit about ourselves based upon what she wrote in her profile.  If she mentions, for example, that she is relatively new, you can tell her that you entered this way of life in 2005 at which time you were initially trained by a monkey (if you really were trained by a monkey..honesty is important).  Relate how you understand some of the confusion at being new (empathy is a great way to connect) and that you are grateful you had the monkey to show you the proper path to take.  If you are adept at it, perhaps add a little humor in but I must warn you, this is a dangerous technique to use.  Be mindful of the fact that you are using email where intent is hard to decipher.  Instead of coming off funny, you might come across as an ass if you are not careful.

At this point, stop.  Do not send more than two paragraphs.  As I mentioned, some of these subs are getting hundreds of emails a day.  They do not have the time nor the inclination to read a book that you write and fill her inbox with.  A thousand word essay detailing your life is going to get deleted very quickly.

Copy/Paste

I just wrote a section on individualizing yet I feel the need to mention this subject.  There are many out there who copy/paste a form email they wrote and send it to all submissives they encounter.  This is the numbers game approach.  If they can get in the inbox earlier than everyone else, they have a chance of nailing the prize.  The drawback to this is it goes against everything I just wrote.  There is no personalizing of the email (no simply writing her username is not personalization).  This means she is not being treated as an individual as much as a bulk mail recipient. 

Another problem with this idea is there is a tendency for people to write the thousand word essays I just mentioned.  When one takes the time to write out a book once, then it takes little effort to copy/paste it everywhere.  While this might make sense to the individual, quite frankly the submissive does not care about it.  She has no reason to read all that stuff.  Again, until her attention is captured on some level, she is not going to waste her time.

Once again, I cannot stress this enough: the intent is to show her that we understand she is an individual.  Those who copy/paste are advertising the fact that he is a) lazy and b) does not really care about her.  She is just one of the many who he is throwing a line to in an effort to see who bites.  Trust me, I have seen these emails from subs and this is exactly what they scream.  So resist this temptation at all costs.

The final point that I want to make is that all are worthy of respect.  Do not write anything that resembles the first email I mentioned.  This is not prudent and will get you instantly classified as a fake.  In fact, I detail this more in this post, I suggest you read it:


As always, be smart in all you do.

DN

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July 25, 2014

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Discipline


It seems that punishment gets a bad rap in the BDSM world.  After much research, it is obvious to me that the reason this is so is because it is the favored activity of the abusers.  I cannot stress enough that BDSM is an umbrella that many abusers hide under.  They are not into this lifestyle but, rather, using it as a way to find women to beat stating that it is part of the submission.  The belief that one has to take all that a dominant has to offer is commonplace.  Unfortunately, this is the exact thing the abusers exploit.

Discipline

To properly talk about the subject of punishment, we must expand our views and look at discipline.  Ultimately, this is the area that one needs to concentrate upon since punishment is a part of this.  The larger picture is what provides us with the clarity.

So what is discipline?  Most of us believe we know what it is but it really has a few meanings which are applicable at this point.  According to Merriam-Webster discipline is defined as follows:

: control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed and punishing bad behavior
: a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or orders
: behavior that is judged by how well it follows a set of rules or orders

 Reading through these definitions leads us to the conclusion that there are two parts to this idea.  The first starts with having a set of rules which are to be obeyed.  Anyone in BDSM can understand this.  The dominant or master establishes a protocol and rules which one needs to adhere to.  When these are not followed, one option, by the definition, is punishment.   

The other part of these definition is the willingness to obey rules or orders.  To me, this takes on a slightly different approach when one takes it in the light of self-discipline.  Under this method, one takes the action required without stimulus from the outside.  The motivation comes from within.  We can see this in the area of weight loss and exercise where some can do it on their own while others needs trainers to get them taking action.  Much in the same way, hopefully a sub/slave is self motivated to adherer to the rules established by the dominant without him having to continually look over her shoulder.  Naturally, there are times when he will have to step in and take corrective action.  

Which brings us to our next point.

Punishment

As was stated, punishment is a part of discipline.  When one does not adhere to the rules, punishment is certainly an option.  Many subs/slaves will only respond to punishment.  However, this is not the only option available to a dominant and should be used in the proper manner.

Before going any further, I believe it is crucial to clarify what the goal of punishing is.  Many overlook this simple idea never consider what the outcome is suppose to be.  The reason one punishes, and the only reason, is to correct or amend action.  That is the goal, to correct the action taken so it is not repeated in the future.  Naturally, the abusers do not care about this since their goal is only to inflict pain.  Therefore, one way to distinguish a true dominant from an abuser is to ask him why he punishes and what the goal is.  An abuser will talk about beating ass whereas one who is genuine talks about changing behavior.

Another thing to bear in mind is there are a host of options available in the area of punishment.  Too many jump to the conclusion that punishing means beating.  It does not.  Certainly, this can be an useful choice in many situations.  However, there are a host of other ways to go about it.  Some other ideas are:

-having her stand in the corner holding up a ping pong ball with her nose.
-removing indoor bathroom privileges.
-having her sleep on the floor
-making her eat nothing but bread and water for a day or two
-eating her food out of a bowl on the floor like an animal
-not allowing her to socialize with her friends (the traditional grounding)
-having her kneel on rice

All of these options provide one with options to alter behavior.  One thing that must be mentioned is that the punishment must mirror the infraction.  In other words, too many want to give one 75 swats with a paddle until she passes out for something minor.  They simply have an idea in mind and are going to implement it no matter what is done.  Again, this is abusive and not responsible domination.  Therefore, a true dominant will have a full arsenal of punishments at his disposal while judiciously applying them when needed.

Which brings me to the final point.  Punishment is meant to alter behavior, specifically future behavior.  In essence, a sub/slave did a particular action which he does not want repeated in the future.  Hence, the need for behavior modification.  Punishment is one avenue.  However, I want to bring up another point.  Perhaps there is no need to punish.  The goal is to modify the behavior and it is possible that simply bringing up your disappointment to her is enough to get her to change.  It also could be there was a miscommunication upon your part as to what the expectation was.  Either way, often simply talking about it will change the behavior removing the need for punishment.  Remember, it is all included in discipline, getting her to adhere to a set of rules or orders you establish.  How that is accomplished is secondary.

In closing, it is crucial to always remember what the goal is and the best way to achieve that end.  Yes there are times when a more stern approach is necessary.  Some lessons are vital and perhaps a harsh punishment is the only way to drive the point home.  However, one must balance the weight of the infraction with the level of punishment needed to get said point home.  This is what using power responsibly is all about.

DN

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