That being said, when one decides to live this way of life, I believe a host of responsibilities come along with it. Sadly, BDSM has been overrun with the abusers, scammers, and misfits. The numbers seem to bear this out with the clowns outnumbering the serious people by a wide margin. Therefore, please bear in mind that I am focusing my attention on serious people only. The game players will always have their agenda which leaves a path of destruction in their wake.
It is important to remember why people enter this way of life to begin with. My feeling is that we all seek fulfillment. We can mask it via other terms but, ultimately, that is what it comes down to. People want to be fulfilled in their lives. BDSM offers an avenue in terms of our interactions, discussions, and relationships. No matter what the level of interaction, each person seeks fulfillment. Therefore, we each have a responsibility to the other to assist in achieving this.
Too many believe that a dominant is "better than" or "higher than" a submissive. This simply is not the case. Having this outlook provides one with the belief BDSM interactions or relationships are one way affairs. In other word, to many feel that it is all about the dominant and the desires or needs of the submissive do not matter. Again, this is a fallacy. Even in an M/s arrangement, the Master must take the needs and wants of the slave into account. He might decide in favor of going in another direction that she is not thrilled with but he needs to consider her point of view before making his decision. That is what a leader does.
Since a dominant is not better than a submissive but, rather, a piece that compliments her, then he has a responsibility to her the same as she does him. The masses seem to miss this point. Service is not a one way street. Both parties end up "serving" each other due to the fact that each provides what the other needs. There are certain things that a submissive needs which only a dominant can provide. If he is withholding this for reasons other than a short-term punishment, then he is failing in his role as the leader of that interaction. At the same time, if he is not considering her wants and needs, again, he is failing her.
I will give you a good example. Many enter into scenes with a play partner. This is an interaction where a submissive is seeking certain things which might even be spelled out in a contract. Obviously, she is driven by the need to serve and give her body over for the pleasure and fulfillment of another. If the dominant is a sadist, he is provided with an avenue to fulfill that aspect of himself via the masochistic tendencies of the submissive. Naturally, she seeks more than just his enjoyment. Attaining subspace, as an example, is of great pleasure to her. She also might really enjoy the feeling of pain and markings she receives which many describe as a "centering" or "grounding" experience. Finally, she requires the safety and protection of the dominant knowing that he will not exceed the negotiated parameters while behaving in a manner that always has her safety in mind.
Sadly, we know this is not always done. Many dominants take advantage of submissives when they are in subspace to ignore the contract or go to a level where one is hurt. This is someone who is not fulfilling his role. He cares none for the submissive but only himself. Her fulfillment (and safety) are not in his thought process. Instead, he is acting simply on his desires. This is selfish, abusive, and criminal. Here is a person entrusted by a slave to assist in her fulfillment and he simply casts it aside. A serious person about BDSM would understand his role in this situation and behave in a different manner.
As you can see, there is a deeper meaning to the acts we engage in. No matter the level of the interaction, the responsibility of fulfilling our role to another exists. We need to keep this paramount in our minds.
Owned By This Way Of Life
I often have said that I am owned by the BDSM way of life. Nothing about me is mine anymore. It is all property of the BDSM community and world. What do I mean by this? Getting back to commitment, I decided a long time ago that I am dedicated to this way of life. Therefore, all that I garner is available to those who are truly within it. This goes for my body, my experience, my knowledge, and my talents. They are meant to be shared with those who are truly involved and serious about what we are involved in.
This blog is an example of that commitment. I write these posts in an effort to educate and make others aware of what exists. Therefore, my knowledge belongs to the community and I transfer it to everyone via my writings. At the same time, when I interact with others, I am perfectly willing to share what I learned and experienced over the years. Again, this is part of the role I have in this way of life.
It is very frustrating to me to see subs and slaves who are unowned go without being serviced for long stretches of time (yes I said them being serviced). My question is always where are all the dominants stepping up to fulfill their responsibilities? Certainly, there are times where a sub/slave opts to isolate and is not seeking anything. If that is the case, she is free to exercise that choice. However, when we are truly open to BDSM, we are in touch with our primal side. Now, bear in mind, primal means more than just sexual. It is our basic essence of which the sexual nature is a part of. To be fulfilled, a sub/slave needs this part of her stimulated. She requires that connection that not only has a man within her but also the feeling of a whip or cane across her body, the feeling of giving herself over for the fulfillment of another, the need to serve, and perhaps to be displayed. In short, sometimes she just wants to be taken to get back in touch with her core self. Sadly it seems, many are unwilling to assist in her fulfillment. I cant tell you how many times I have chatted with someone over the years who goes to gatherings and is friends with many in the local community yet goes unserviced. To all the dominants out there, remember it is not all about you. At times you need to step up and take care of a free submissive; your hand across her bare ass is just what she needs to relax and center her.
When one looks at the larger meaning of things, everything we do takes on a different connotation. Sex, impact play, bondage, and all else as it pertains to our interaction is taken to a higher level. It is not about one's selfish motives. Instead, we seek the fulfillment of others in whatever way we can. Sometimes that is taking ownership of one; others simply offering guidance and experience. A submissive offers her body up to a dominant yet he, in turn, does the same. When one offers up a question, he provides an answer. No matter what is needed, if we can assist someone in reaching his or her fulfillment, we do that.
Now that I said all that, I must throw my caveat into this. There is one crucial distinction I must make which is easy to talk about but near impossible to determine in person. Everything I wrote in this post goes under the presumption that the person(s) you are interacting with is true. This post only applies to true sub/slave/master/dom. The pretenders are another story. Sadly, too many enter this lifestyle looking for easy sex or someone to abuse. These are not the individuals I am referring to. All of us must do our best to weed out the game players and be certain we are dealing with real people. Those who are real and committed deserve all that I mentioned above from me. However, those who are coming out of a different motive, they deserve to be stepped on. Too many have harmed others, both physically and emotionally, through their dishonest methods. This applies equally to the dominant as well as the submissive side although I grant the submissive ones need to be more careful since they tend to be physically at more risk. Nevertheless, I have yet to see a a true dominant who was not willing to help out a true submissive if he could (the reverse is also true).
One final note. Please understand much of this post refers to those who are free and unowned. When one is owned and in a relationship, then things take on a different connotation. Then the parameters of the relationship take priority. However, that does not mean we are unable to assist others in many different capacities. Being open and looking for ways to fulfill others is a habit we all need to get into. Sure, in a relationship one's other is paramount. Yet it is crucial we do not forget those who are free...they need fulfillment also.
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