December 10, 2014

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Birds, Fish, and Jesse Owens


A few weeks back I wrote a number of posts covering the subject of fear.  At that time, I stated that fear is the number one challenge a Master has when dealing with a slave.  From my experience, it seems that many are conditioned to buy into this emotion.  The games the mind plays are engaged in with full vigor until one comes up on the losing end.  Fear is a paralyzing force.  It prevents actions while maintaining the status quo which is never good.

I am a big believer in the laws of nature and that we, as human beings, are a part of this system.  Therefore, we see that:

Birds fly
Fish swim
Jesse Owens runs

For those who do not know who Jesse Owens was, he was an Olympic Sprinter who won multiple gold medals during the early part of the last century.  He is considered by many to be the best sprinter of all time.  In other words, he was a sensational runner.

It seems the BDSM world is full of people who prefer to give Jesse Owens a "run for his money".  The difference is that Owens was not motivated by fear.  Within the BDSM way of life, it is easy to see how fear helps to sabotage the quest that people put themselves upon.  Fears have a way of manifesting themselves especially when they are continually focused upon.

 The problem with running is that it becomes a habit.  Now, if this is part of your weekly exercise program, i.e. running 5 miles, then it is a very good thing.  However, if it is your answer to fear, then you are simply killing any chance of success in your life.  This concept obviously applies to more than just BDSM.  Nevertheless, we can really see it materialize in the lives of so many within our way of life.

People who are in BDSM tend to find their way here because the 'vanilla' or traditional world was lacking.  Many of us experienced the ole square peg in a round hole feeling.  While the idea we were not cut out for that path became quite apparent, there is something else at work which we must examine.

It is not uncommon for individuals in the BDSM world to be married 2, 3, 4, or, even, more times.  This is a natural outcome considering the fact we were trying to fit into the traditional world.  Often, when we look at the behavior of these individuals, we see fear is in operation.  In fact, it is the main motivator for people.  Not only do we see it in the failed marriages but also in numerous other failed relationships.

So what does this situation look like?  The common scenario is one gets involved with another person in a deeply emotional relationship.  For a period of time, things go along wonderfully.  There is the typical honeymoon period where both parties can do no wrong and nirvana is present.  Naturally, this period ends and the reality of the relationship emerges.  As more time passes and things get more difficult, our good little runner starts to think about bailing.  I will issue a bit of a caveat here by stating in many relationships, there is a time to use the door.  However, the situation I am referring to is where one starts the process of leaving as things get difficult.

It is no secret that relationships take work.  For one to be successful, both parties MUST be committed to overcoming the challenges which WILL arise.  Everyone feels fear and uncertainty at times.  Yet it is the true ones who are able to remain in there in spite of those feelings and work through whatever comes up.  Communication is a vital part of this process which is another area where so many fall short.  Instead of sharing, especially when in a relationship, they bottle up.  Ask them what is wrong and "nothing" is the response.  This is completely unproductive.  Nevertheless, we see this all over the BDSM world.

Another factor that enters into the equation is even before one gets into a relationship.  So many find themselves alone or having interactions which are unfulfilled simply because they are afraid of receiving what they desire.  What do I mean by this?  Quite simply, they allow fear to sabotage whatever path they are on.  If they are starting to get involved in something that could be very fulfilling and ideal for them, fear steps in and stops them.  They put on their running shoes and head the other way.  Again, this is something we see all the time.

Another caveat inserted here.  I will state, as my regular readers know, that safety is a crucial component.  It is imperative that one take the necessary steps to protect him or herself.  However, there is a limit to what is safe and what is counterproductive.  In other words, be safe but realize there is also a time you need to let go and give it a shot.  The truth is nothing in life entails 100% safety.  Driving an automobile is a catastrophic event for many people at times.  Yet most of us throw caution to the wind in the face of the risks and go for it (that is why we arrive at work...it would be a lot slower to take a bicycle).

As mentioned, the problem with running is that becomes a habit.  The individuals that I am referring are apt to pick up at the first sign of difficulty.  And what exactly is that difficulty?  It is discomfort within him or her.  Therefore, a person of this ilk is not likely to stop the practice.  In fact, it is my experience that it is a mistake to go after a person of this nature.  This action only opens up the realm of a second exiting.  Once a runner, almost always a runner since the fear does not change.

I write this to make people aware of what goes on within them.  The reason this is because the only solution is to be aware what is happening and stand in there regardless of how you feel.  It is too easy to turn tail and run.  However, while this might lessen the pressure within you, ultimately it negates any opportunity for success.  A BDSM relationship is difficult.  Leaving it at the first sign of difficulty might make you feel better in the short-term but will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction.

Jesse Owens was a great runner.  It is also breath taking to see a cheetah or a deer on the open plains going full tilt.  Yet this same quality among people within the BDSM world does not carry the same charm.  Sadly, it is downright sickening to witness.  When one is consumed and driven by fear, it is really a terrible sight.  What gets even worse is when one is aware of this tendency in an individual and witnesses it over and over again.

Fear is something that we all need to learn how to cope with.  The truth is it is impossible for anyone to be certain 100% of the time.  It is a simple fact of life that fear will arise whenever there is some uncertainty.  The unknown can be a scary place.  Yet, this can also be an exciting place to explore and learn.  So it really goes both ways.

At some point, you must decide that it is time to stop running.  Fear is going to ensure you never reach a state of happiness and fulfillment.  It is something that will take your life if you allow it.  People get swallowed upon by this emotion often without realization.  Running helps Olympic athletes achieve their goals but it is an awful way to attain success in the BDSM world.  Fear seeks to maintain the status quo which, for many, means being alone or in a less than fulfilling relationship.  The truth is you will not find the one who is a sensational fit for you if fear is the mechanism you obey.  Nothing in life is guaranteed and there are always risks.  However, it is the ones who are willing to move forward in spite of those challenges who enjoy the fruits of this world.

DN

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December 8, 2014

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Taking Responsibility Even After Release


The topic I am going to discuss deals with the responsibility of a Master to a slave after a breakup.  Before getting into that, I need to establish a bit of a foundation so as not to confuse everyone.  The scenario I am dealing with here pertains to a M/s relationship with the 24/7 component to it.  Most likely, the slave resides with the Master and is under his total control.  All financial issues are handled by and property of the Master.  A slave does not own her paycheck nor the money coming in.  Anything she has is granted to her by her owner.

Again, I want to make this very clear that this is talking about M/s with TPE as the central component.  The slave is considered property of her Master.  I know there are many different variation within the BDSM community and ways to structure a relationship.  I just want to be clear about the type of situation I am discussing.

That being said, as mentioned, under this structure the Master reaps all the benefits from the slave's employment.  This is in line with the idea that property does not own property.  A slave has her basic needs met by the Master along with any other extras that he chooses to give her.   This is all in keeping with the idea of slavery.

The problem I have is that many of the "masters" seem to think it is a one way street.  They are very happy to accept the money while she is with him yet seem to want to absolve themselves of responsibility once the relationship ends.  What I am going to bring up is considered by many to be an "old school" idea but it is applicable to this situation.

With power comes responsibility.  When one gives herself, i.e. her life, to another, that entails a great deal of responsibility on the part of the dominant.  It is not a decision to take lightly.  Naturally, we know relationships can end and not all of them see us living happily ever after.  This means a breakup can occur.  In this world, this entails the slave being released.  End of discussion.

Well not exactly.  The problem with this concept is that the responsibility of the Master did not end.  Even though the slave was released, his obligation to her is such that he needs to tend to her until she gets back on her feet.  In most instances, this is a financial commitment.  I see far too many supposed masters leaving the slave destitute.  This is not what BDSM is all about.

I will give you an example.  I had a live in slave for about 5 years.  Upon our termination of the relationship, she had absolutely nothing financially.  This makes sense since it was a true M/s structure where all she had was mine.  So what did we do?  To start, I gave her $5,000 to get her and her stuff back home.  Once there, she had some money to carry her for a while until she found a job.  However, due to the pay schedule of her employment (they get paid monthly) she didnt have enough to get her through to her first full paycheck.  Hence, I wired her another $1,000 to cover some of the basic things that she required.  This got her through until she got her first month's salary and could make her own way.

Another example is a slave friend I have who was in a slave household.  All the slaves worked and forwarded their checks to the Master.  What this particular Master did was took a portion of each check and put it in an account for each girl.  The result was that, over time, enough money was amassed so that when my friend (or any other girl on the house) moved on, she had enough money for a deposit on an apartment, a couple months rent and other expenses until she was able to get her financial house in order.  This is a Master who understood his responsibility to a slave did not end simply because the interaction between the two of them did.

It is obvious why I bring this up.  One does not have to look to far or read too many profiles before uncovering one who was left "high and dry" by some master.  It is always interesting to read how these individuals self describe themselves as stern but fair yet they fall short on a major responsibility towards the one under their protection.  Again, as I wrote a number of times, a BDSM relationship is not a one-way street.  Both parties have responsibilities towards each other.  Neither is allowed to absolve themselves of this crucial point.  One again, we see this starts with the basic commitment to the lifestyle.  If you are going to be a "master" in the BDSM world, there is a certain level of behavior that is expected.  Owning someone is a lot more than just having someone clean your house and present her holes whenever you want.  It is the taking over of someone's life and improving upon it through growth.  And, in this world, this responsibility does not end simply because you released her.

DN 

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November 29, 2014

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Bottoms, Subs, Slaves...A Glossary of Terms


There appears to be great confusion about some of the terms we use in the lifestyle to refer to ourselves.  It is easy to throw out the term "bottom", "sub", and "slave" while also referring to the dominant parties as "top", "dom", or "master".  However, the confusion arises in that few really take the time to decide what it means.

Today I am going to give you my ideas behind these terms.  BDSM is a flexible lifestyle in that there is not a cookie cutter system for all to follow.  Along the same lines, terminology is also determined by the individual.  The definitions/explanations that I am going to provide are simply my views on the subject.  Some might have ideas which work better for them.  Nonetheless, my goal is to give everyone a broad outline so that comprehension is thus increased.

I will start on the submissive side.

Bottom:

To me, a bottom is a submissive person who takes on this role during scenes or when engaging in play.  It is a physical (mostly) basis with a start and a stop time.  The submission lasts only for the scene within well structured parameters.  While there might be a connection between the individuals in the scene, it is not necessary.  In fact, the other person might be a total stranger.  Service is not part of this person's makeup, at least not in this realm.

Sub:

This is obviously short for submissive.  Unlike the bottom, this is one who is in a more "dedicated" relationship.  A sub submits to a particular individual (or perhaps individuals in the case of a dom/domme couple).  The submission extends far beyond the play scenario to include most areas of life.  Service is a large part of the interaction and motivation for the sub.  However, the sub will retain some rights/say over certain areas of her life.  The relationship will be more structured and deeper as compared to the bottom with more time invested.  There is no duration of the submission with the relationship being open-ended in terms of time like almost all relationships are.  This type of structure is akin to "dating" with some power exchange involved.

Slave:

A slave is one who goes for the full enchilada.  She is taking her submission to the nth degree.  There are no halfway approaches to this one.  Total power exchange is what she seeks.  A slave is one who gives up full control to the one she is with.  Outside some obvious limits (no cutting off limbs or burning one's face with acid), a slave has no say in what takes place.  All decisions and control reside with the dominant.  Naturally, this is a relationship structure which involves an astronomical amount of trust on the part of the submissive while the dominant takes on a great deal of responsibility.  He is the one responsible for steering the relationship which means, ultimately, all falls upon him.  Depth is something commonly associated with M/s.  A slave is continually having her limits pushed (in a safe manner) to see how much she can grow.  Slavery is a huge commitment on the part of both individuals meaning that it is not entered into lightly.  Many subs find that slavery holds a special appeal to them since the natural submissiveness within them is taken to incredible depths.  Of course, this path is not for everyone.

As for the dominants, I am going to state something that I posted on here before.  A dominant derives his "title" from the particular state of the submissive.  What I mean by this is that a dominant is not a master unless he is in control of a slave.  If the individual he is dealing with is a sub, then he is a dom.  Naturally, many individuals have the experience and knowledge to be masters but it is still up to the submissive to decide the title.  Therefore, if a dominant is in a scene with a bottom, he is simply a top at that moment.  Of course, it is highly possible for him also to be a dom or master to someone else outside of the one he is playing with.  Nevertheless, to that individual, he is a top.  This is one of the reasons why I laugh at the nitwits online self-naming.  His title is not determined by himself but, rather, the title of the one he is controlling.

Hence we see the terminology line up as such.

Bottom...Top
Sub....Dom
Slave....Master

It is possible for someone to be just one of those or all three simultaneously.  The point is having a broad understanding of the different titles is important.  However, at the end of the day, it is what is inside of you that matters the most.

DN  

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November 27, 2014

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Why A Slave Serves


Here is an email I received from a slave that she wrote to a dom/master when asked about her service.  I believe her words really capture the essence of what is at the core of a slave and why she has a need to serve.

Please give it a read since I feel it is one of the best summations of this I ever came across.

The greatest treasure of all is to serve. But in order to actually serve with love and dedication as a sub/slave should, we need to understand why it is we desire to do so. 
You wished to know how it feels on the slaves side. I will do my best to accurately describe it from my perception but it is difficult to explain Sir, if you have never served another in such a true manner. However, I would have to say you actually hit upon the core basis of it when you wrote, “…all her worries gone, happy, feeling full…” . The act of giving or serving brings me the greatest sense of satisfaction and purifies the mind. It’s knowing that thru my gift, I accomplished something that brought someone else joy, happiness or pleasure. For a true slave or submissive, it is the focal point in our chosen lives, and keeps the core foundation of a D/s or M/s relationship strong.
I think as submissives, we engage ourselves in an activity that gives us a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of worth and approval. An incredibly high percentage of thoughts and behaviors are influenced by this core principle: the need for approval.
Not knowing the background of your childhood Sir, I will make this example generalized…do you recall as a young boy, when you did something your father was proud of…he would ruffle your hair or pat you on the back and say “good job son” or “well done boy”…do you remember how that made you feel?  Did you not want to do more or strived to be better at it, just to gain that acknowledgment and attention again? …that few seconds of shining in his eyes…?  A submissive’s desire or need to serve is much the same Sir.  We strive to please, to assure your happiness and pleasure, for that one moment of recognition and approval…to “shine in your eyes”. As humans, we need approval and recognition. We need to know that we are appreciated and noticed. Psychologist William James said that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”  Most Dominants have a tendency to underestimate the power and importance of recognition. There is something deeply satisfying about thanking someone when it is clearly deserved, for both the Dominant, as well as the submissive.
Another point to ponder is the need for acceptance and belonging, which is the third level in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs/motivation. This plays a huge role in a sub/slaves desire to serve. We are social creatures and as such we need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group, (i.e. clubs, groups, communities) or small social connections (i.e. family members, intimate partners, mentors, Dom/Masters, etc). We need to love and be loved (sexually & non-sexually) by others. Pure service is a sub/slaves way of expressing that love and devotion. We don’t do it for the physical or materialist rewards or out of fear of retribution. We do it because we need to feel it. Through our unselfish act of giving or serving, we are offering to the Dominant our soul and our heart. We are telling him that He is our world. The center of our focus. The reason for our being who and what we are. 
And from yet another side, my service to the Dominant and how well it was performed, and received, is a mirror of my sub/slave’s true soul.  If it was given or done half-heartedly and the Dominate is displeased, it is a direct injury and insult to my worth and disgraces who I am.  If given earnestly and wholeheartedly, and received with praise and approval, it is a reward in itself.  How I portray myself in my service reflects not only on my own self-worth and value as a sub/slave but on the reputation of the House/Master I serve and my level of pride and commitment to that House/Master.
There is no single reason more pronounced or stronger then another as to why true sub/slaves have a pure desire to serve, but together…love, honor, pride, approval, acceptance, commitment, belonging….they are incredibly powerful and why as subs/slaves, we strives to give all and be all that we are capable of...at all times.

DN  

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Happy Thanksgiving


Happy Thanksgiving to all in the states.

Today, I hope all can find something to be grateful for.  Always remember, no matter what your plight is, there are always those who are less fortunate.  In short, there are many out there who are truly suffering.  If you are not one of those, be grateful for that.  However, if you are, keep your head up.  There is always a brighter tomorrow.

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November 1, 2014

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The Extreme


Many people have the false conception the BDSM is extreme.  They see the imagery presented by the porn industry and, basically, it scares the panties right off them.  Obviously, as I have covered a few times, the porn industry has an agenda which differs greatly from each of us individually.  Sure, some, if not many of us, are seeking the whips and chains.  However, BDSM offers so much more than that.

That said, we are open to the fact that there is an extreme aspect to the BDSM world.  Before going any further, I feel it important to define what we mean.  Within the context of our lifestyle, we can see extreme through a few different lenses.  To start, we can look at the behaviors (i.e. play) and see some who are into total extreme.  Pain sluts who are whipped and beaten until their body totally marked come to mind.  So does some of the other aspects of play like fire play, electrical, or hardcore bondage.  These acts can be extreme in nature depending upon the viewpoint of the individuals. (that is an important point to remember; one person's extreme is just normal to someone else)

The other way we encounter extreme with the BDSM world is in the context of the M/s relationship.  Here, the exchange of power is complete and total.  Under this circumstance, one makes a final decision to turn her life over to the master and that is it.  All decisions from that point forward are his to make.  Her most important role is to obey.  Now, that is not to say that he will not empower over certain decisions because a good master does.  However, it all takes place under his rule.

The M/s relationship contains an extremeness in terms of the mindset.  Individuals who opt for this particular relationship structure might not be involved in "extreme" activities.  In fact, their life might be fairly ordinary when looking at it from the outside.  Nevertheless, within the confines of the relationship itself, one sees a totally different viewpoint.  For example, once a slave commits she is destined to remain his until he decides to release her (unless she or her kids are in physical danger).  She does not have the choice to leave or exit the relationship.  At the same time, it is common for a slave to be viewed as property.  Many are appalled at this who lack an understanding of BDSM but it is right in line with out thinking.  Again, it is an extreme mindset and one that not everyone has.

I would say that the extremeness of BDSM, while highly touted, is not commonplace.  Reading different profiles online as I surf the net leads me to conclude that most people are looking for something a lot less "out there".  It is why so many term themselves subs (short for submissive) instead of slave.  Giving up total control is not a desire for them.  Instead, my experience is they want to add some kink to their normal interactions.  As long as it is light, it is acceptable.  I guess you might phrase it "vanilla with a twist".   Certainly the BDSM world is spacious enough for all types and people are free to structure their lives however they see fit.  Yet when we study the extreme aspects of things, it is the mindset that determines how committed one is to this way of life.  Many people put it on like a sweater, opting for something different tomorrow.  If this works for them, so be it.  However, these are not the people who are interested in what I am discussing here.

Society seeks to stamp out individuality.  Most of what I write about is not condoned by society because it centers around freedom and individuality.  It is ironic that we talk about freedom in a lifestyle that contains enslavement and bondage.  Nevertheless, when you really think about it, if someone is following what is natural and true for him or her, isn't that freedom?  Being in touch with our cores and adhering to that is crucial for all of us.  I believe that is why so many people in society are unfulfilled because they refuse to look at what is deep within them.  BDSM gives us that opportunity. 

Determining something is extreme or not requires judgment.  Remember, what is extreme to you might be tame to another.  It is all in our perspective.  For many, the most extreme aspects of our lifestyle are completely normal and everyday affairs.  Of itself, it is not something to be feared or leery of.  Naturally, the individuals are the ones who create the results and we need to be highly mindful of the idiots and morons out there.  Doing things in a safe manner is extremely important.  Nevertheless, at some point we need to take the plunge realizing that there are no guarantees in life.  If you are drawn to some of the more "extreme" aspects of BDSM, investigate it.  Society will tell you that you are sick, perverted, and need help.  We, on the other hand, will state, "you are what I am seeking". 

BDSM is about freedom....embrace it.

DN  

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October 31, 2014

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Branding: A Part of BDSM?


I am continually amazed about some of the things that I come across as I travel around the wonderful world of online BDSM.  Now do not get me wrong, I am all for individuality and people doing what they want for themselves.  As long as there is consent (at least initially in the form of M/s submission), then have at  it.  Nevertheless, once in a while I just have to shake my head.

Recently, I came across a profile of a woman who had a deep desire to be branded.  To her, this was a way to really exhibit her "slavery" and really show the world what she was.  On one level, I completely understand and respect her view.  Slavery is an extreme aspect of our lifestyle.  Those who truly follow this path, at least as I embrace it, are choosing a total and complete form of power exchange.  That means that all is on the table including branding.

Now come the practical side of me.  Branding, while being a symbol of ownership and extreme loyalty, is also very dangerous.  For those who are unfamiliar with this practice, simply ponder what ranchers do with their livestock.  Now imagine this same process done to a human with the exception of having a hot item pressed against the skin repeatedly as opposed to one time.  Essentially, in human branding, the goal is to achieve a 3rd degree burn which emerges in the form of a specific design.  Sadly, much of this is dependent upon the aftercare process which actually interrupts the natural healing process to form a scar.  The problem is that this aftercare puts one at great risk of infection.  The skin is one of the first lines of defense for the body and when that is altered, the potential can be catastrophic.  Consider the fact that the leading cause of death of major burn victims is infection. 

Here is an excellent article which depicts exactly what I am referring to and explains the process in great detail.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/-body-branding.htm

As a practice, I simply cannot condone the idea of branding.  Yes, on a particular level it is a powerful sign of our dedication to M/s and the life we lead.  However, the risk associated with the practice far outweighs any benefit.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice which opens up many avenues.  We live in a wide and varied genre.  Yet some common sense must be maintained.  In lieu of the brand, go for the tattoo.  While not as extreme, it still basically has the same permanence as a brand without the potential dangers.  Remember, we must be sensible with what we do.  Branding simply is not a practice that should be engaged in. 

DN 

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October 27, 2014

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Know What You Want


I see many who enter the BDSM world who approach it like they do buying a car.  It is a scene many can envision.  One walks into a car dealership and the sales person walks up while asking "can I help you".  The answer is a swift "no thank you, we are just looking.  This is a similar approach people take to BDSM....they believe it is like buying a car.  In fact, many will write in their profile that they are just "looking to take a test drive".

Now, I understand people come to this way of life with many questions and confusion.  There is a lot of garbage out there.  One of the main reasons why I started this blog years ago was to try and clear up some of the confusion since I recognized there was so much trash out there.  Nevertheless, before one can truly excel in this way of life, one needs to be committed to it.

The individual who is a "tire kicker" needs to have a methodical approach if any success is going to be attained.  BDSM is different on so many different levels from the way we were raised.  Therefore, gaining an understanding of the different avenues is vitally important.  To me, the best approach is to spend time learning.  Doing one's own personal research is the best way to advance one's ability to decide.  I am continually amazed at some of the things people are shocked about in our way of life.  If one takes the time to do a bit of research, he or she would quickly realize there are many different levels within the lifestyle that people go to.  Understanding the different parameters that exist out there is the first step.  Obviously, there are some who choose to live in an extreme manner while engaging in some fetishes that are rather "non-mainstream" even for us.  While this might not be to the new person's ilk, it is helpful to be aware that it exists.

Sadly, I see so many who want to instantly jump into a BDSM relationship.  The "tire kickers" feel this is how they are going to learn.  Does one learn how to drive by getting behind the wheel of a Corvette?  Obviously, before one can drive, he or she has to go through a series of steps before that benefit is granted.  The same holds true here.  If one wants to be successful in BDSM, it is best to find out what this is all about and to make some decisions as to what is of interest.

Ultimately, success in this lifestyle, like any aspect of life, starts with knowing what you want.  If you read about any successful person, or study success techniques at all, you will find that knowing what the person wanted was at the start.  Tiger Woods was groomed to be a golfer from a young age and he knew he wanted to be the best of all time.  There is a mindset which removes all confusion.  Bill Gates loved computers and tinkering with them.  When he came across Windows, he knew what to do with it.  BDSM is the same way.  If we know what we want, then it makes it easier for us to find it.

 Once one begins to do a bit of research, the different aspects of the lifestyle emerge.  It is at this point that one can start to decipher what he or she is attracted to.  By going within oneself and determining how something strikes one core, one will start to lay the foundation of what will become his or her BDSM life.  When one has an outline of what is desired, then certain things will fall into place.

It is at this point that I must mention something that is a warning.  From experience, I can tell you that, over time, things change.  In fact, there are times when things change rather rapidly.  This is an obvious statement so I will explain further.  My experience is that over time, like and attraction to certain fetishes changes.  Not only have I experienced this, but I witnessed it within others.  For example, I once knew one who had pain as a limit.  She had no desire to engage in impact play.  In fact, she went so far as to say it was a hard limit.  This was based upon her perception of things without any real world BDSM experience.  As it turns out, while not being a pain slut, she did enjoy pain and impact play.  So here was an individual who had one mindset when her reality turned out to be completely different.

The point that I am making is that your initial determination of what you want provides the framework.  It is not an absolute.  Entering BDSM with a closed mind is a fatal process.  We need to be open to all to fully uncover what is within us.  Certainly, there are things which turn our stomachs.  That is fine.  Just because one is open to something does not mean he or she engages in it.  I will tell you that I have explored and tried to understand almost every fetish there is.  At the same time, I can say I have succeeded with most of them in terms of the understanding part.  Of course, that does not mean I am into all of them nor do I want to witness or partake in many in any manner.  Nevertheless, I have considered what they are and accept that, even though it is not for me, there are many who are drawn to it.  This acceptance keeps me from the mindset of "my kink is better than your kink".

Therefore, while knowing what we want is vitally important to life in the BDSM world, we also must maintain an open mind regarding all the things that are possible.  As mentioned, likes can change over time.  Another thing that is a fact of life is that, no matter how long we are around, we do not know everything.  I am sure there are many fetishes that I have never given a single thought to.  It is impossible for me to know all there is about this way of life.  Every year, I learn more and more about what this is all about.  The same is true for everyone else.  If I close my mind off or stop the learning process because I think I know it all, then I am short-changing myself while eliminating a host of possibilities from my life.

BDSM has a lot to offer each of us.  It is imperative that we are willing to explore all there is even if much of it is from an educational perspective.  The truth is we never know when we will stumble upon something that interests us.  Know what you want but remain flexible to adjust and add as necessary.  Life is not stagnant; nor are you.

DN

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October 13, 2014

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What Is Normal?


Society exerts a great deal of power over each of us in conditioning us to be obedient little slaves.  Conformity is something we are taught from the earliest of ages.  In school, we are all shown that we must walk in line with the other kids.  Of course, straying outside of that has negative consequences.  This indoctrination is something that carries with us throughout our lives.  Only a select few are able to stand up to the pressure and truly be ourselves.  Naturally, there are certain aspects of life that we all must conform to unless we want horrific results.  For example, as a nudist, I feel nothing is more natural than people walking around naked.  Society has a different view and if I tried to be natural all the time, I would end up in bondage by the local police.  Therefore, we can see what is natural is not necessarily "normal".

A few posts back, I wrote about sexual tendencies.  What is interesting is society has a way of promoting what it deems "normal" without considering the fact that few people fall into that category.  I find it truly ironic that most people have sexual tendencies which fall outside the bounds of "normalcy".  Of course, whether people act upon these desires or not is a different matter but it does not change the fact that the desires are there to begin with.  I guess we can conclude very few people are "normal" even though society tries to mold everyone into a pattern of normalcy.

The problem for society is so many people are pulling the strings trying to instill their viewpoint as the one that is normal.  Remaining in the sexual arena, we see the power of the religious institutions.  Mantras such as sex before marriage is a sin, marriage is between a man and a woman, sex is to procreate only, and anything outside God's design for sex is wrong are firmly planted in our minds from an early age.  Naturally, this goes counter to what we see in movies and advertising, two venues which use sex as a means of appeal.  Overall, the idea of normalcy is all over the board yet we are suppose to adhere regardless.

The hypocrisy of it all is that nobody can answer what is normal.  In fact, when we talk about hypocrisy, we only need to point to the fact that many of the ones professing about how a proper sex life is suppose to look were, simultaneously, abusing children.  Nevertheless, we are suppose to shape our lives around what these people say.  Talk about blind adherence leading to true ignorance.

Another facet we see "normalcy" is in the area of relationships.  After the women's movement in the 1960s, we saw the power structure within relationships change dramatically.  Now, I am not going to debate the pros or cons of that movement other than to say it changed the way the genders interacted.  Before that, the power resided with the male while the female assumed a more passive or submissive role.  Afterwards, we see all kinds of avenues open up with the traditional structure being obliterated.  Women no longer settled for this idea.  Of course, one needs to consider what women and how many really felt this way (this movement, like most, always has someone else behind it with an ulterior motive).  Nevertheless, the 1950s household was lost for the most part.

Enter BDSM.  We are people who desire a non-normal relationship structure.  Power exchange is at the core of our interaction.  While society feels this is out of the norm, we believe it simply is a matter of timing.  60 years ago, it was the norm.  Today, society altered its outlook; that is all.  Nature does not change only societal views.  Homosexuality is not a new concept.  For hundreds of years, homosexuals were outcast (or worse).  However, the attraction to the same sex is normal for many people.  This is true in this century as it was 3,000 years ago.

At the core of it all is a belief system that is established by society and bought into by those who are part of that culture.  As we look throughout the ages, we see all kinds of behavior, which we now term deviant, as an everyday part of life.  For example, in the Greek Empire, it was common for a boy of 7 to be removed from his home and given to an elder.  Under this arrangement, the boy was to orally and anally satisfy the elder (now you know where the term "going Greek" came from).  The belief system behind this was that a boy, during his development years, would turn into a braver, stronger warrior by drinking the sperm of a man.  At the same time, the separation from females prevented him from being influenced (by all the estrogen I can only presume).

Naturally, in this day and age, we call this child abuse but in the Greek Empire it is completely normal.  Of course, some will say that they were sick and we evolved.  While I can buy that argument to some degree, I would caution against society's evolution.  Take nudity as an example.  I would say we went backwards in that area.  Clothes were designed for warmth and protection against the elements.  Of course, today, clothes are worth in most instances for every reason imaginable other than warmth and protection.  Our "morals" mandate that nudity is wrong.

Ultimately, normal is right and anything outside that is wrong.  Sex between a man and a woman (preferably married) is right.  Sex between two people of the same sex or more than two people is considered wrong.  Equal parity relationships is right, power exchange relationships wrong.  Sex in this missionary position (or maybe doggie style..which is illegal in the state of Florida by the way), is right.  Tying her to a bench and doing her anally (especially without lube) is wrong.

Which brings up my next question: how many people have sex doggie style?  Or to take it a bit further, how many have had threesomes?  How many had sex on a beach or in a car (or anywhere outside their bedroom)?  You see, when it comes to sexual activity, we are all over the place.  Basically, if we can dream it up, someone already tried it.  As was shown, nothing is new in this arena.  Hell, do you think those men were out there tending to those sheep 2,000 years ago and being pure.  I am sure more than one member of the wooly family found her virtue taken.

My point is all this is for each of us to ponder and question what is normal.  Society likes to spell it out for us but few of us fit into that model.  BDSM is obviously a step away from the mainstream.  However, as the success of 50 Shades and movies like the Secretary showed, we might not be that far out of the mainstream.  Perhaps the greater percentage of people actually desire different facets of the BDSM way of life.  Again, most may not act upon these dessire but they are there, floating around in their heads.

The bottom line is that each of us needs to determine what is normal for us.  Society says that monogamy is the proper course.  For many, this is true.  However, there are many people are polysexual, polyamorous, or even pansexual.  These individuals do not fit into the neat little box society tries to mold.

Most of us went the traditional route before finding this way of life.  In fact, it was the pain that resulted from following that path which caused us to search for something different.  It is only upon embarking on this way of life that many of us started to find contentment and fulfillment.  Suddenly, we did not feel like outcasts.  Often I tell newer people "welcome home" because the feeling upon finding this way of life is like a return home.  It all fits after so many years of feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

So what is normal?  That is a question we all have to answer for ourselves.  What is normal (or natural) for me could well be different for you.  It is this difference that makes us all individuals.  The key is to find that person(s) who has similar likes.  BDSM is a wide and varied way of life.  In fact, within one person might be many different layers all seeking fulfillment.  BDSM offers the avenue that says "pursue them and find fulfillment" as opposed to the "comply" that society promotes.

DN 

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October 7, 2014

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BDSM: It Is What Is Natural


The other day, I went to the nude beach for a day of relaxation and enjoyment.  Thankfully, nothing of great importance got sunburned so it was a successful venture.  Leaving aside my personal tidbits, I did want to share some thoughts I had while out there.

Are you aware that bathing suits were not invented until the 18th century?  Before that, people swam....nude.  This article of clothing was created because of the morality of the times.  In other words, the prudishness of people started to get in the way of what was natural.   This will come as no surprise to my regular readers since I like to point out the hypocrisies of society and how the conditioning it provides is not in our best interest.

Natural Laws

The entire universe operates according to laws that are natural to it.  Humans, since we are part of the Animal Kingdom, are a part of this cosmos, hence required to follow the basic mandates of the universe.  Of course, with our advanced knowledge and wisdom, we feel we are smarter than the rest of the species on this planet.  Pretty ironic when you consider the fact that dolphins do not have complexes about who or what they are.  The same cannot be said for humans.

Anyway, getting back to the nude beach, our natural state is sans clothing.  Clothing is meant to protect one from the elements.  Obviously, the idea of walking around naked in North Dakota in January will get one a trip to the nut house.  Clothing in this instance is required to protect one from the cold and wind.  This is just common sense.  However, wearing clothes at other times does not make sense except to conform to the viewpoints of society.

Over the years, I spoke with many about the nude beach.  As you can imagine, I get a variety of responses when asking people if they would ever frequent one.  I think the most common answer is the belief that one does not "have the body" to be out there.  That one always makes me laugh.  I guess people think it is a bunch of super models out there tanning themselves bare.  The truth is one sees the aging process in all its glory.  In other words, things that started out one place are now somewhere else.  Again, this is just nature (or gravity which is one of the laws of the universe) working its magic.

Another response is people seem to believe that they "could never expose themselves like that".  My question is "why not"?  Do you have something that is unique.  I can assure you in all my years going out there, people basically fit into one of two categories.  The men all had penises and asses while the women asses, breasts, and vaginas.  Outside the rare breed who was a hybrid of the two (breasts with a penis), everyone was one or the other.  Sure, there were different shapes, sizes, and colors.  Nevertheless, the basic components are the same.

People are basically unveiling what nature gave them.  There is nothing sexual or lewd about laying around naked sunning oneself.  It is the most natural thing in the world.  This is how we were born in spite of social conditioning trying to tell us otherwise.

Another natural aspect of life is sex.  I know, this is something that society has tried to control and stamp out for centuries.  Nevertheless, the truth is that sex is as natural as breathing.  Anyone who grew up on a farm knows the primary motive for sex and people of this sort learn it at a young age.  The stud and mare are joined together for a reason and it is not for pleasure.  Of course, at the basic essence that is why humans have sex.

Much like nudity, sex has become a dirty thing.  What is ironic is that not too long ago in our history, it was something that was openly done.  Think back to the "Little House on the Prairie" times when people lived in what basically was a one room house with a loft for sleeping.  To start, open nudity was a given since all members of the family bathed in the washtub in the middle of the room.  Also, mom and dad, hold your cookies on this one, had sex like most normal adults even though the kids were right there.  There were no bedrooms to hide behind; no motel rooms to rent.  Basically, it was all out in the open.  Again, this was natural as opposed to what society promotes today that sex is dirty and taboo.

What is the point of all this?  I want to show everyone that sex, nudity, and a host of other things are as natural as the oxygen we breathe.  All member of the Animal Kingdom have sex to reproduce.  We come into this world with nothing and leave the same way.  Our bottoms are bare when we leave the womb and often that way when we take our last breathes.  Those who eat natural foods tend to be in better health and shape as compared to those who eat the processed stuff that is killing so many.  All of this is as natural as the gravity that is keeping you tied to this planet.

Inequality

Much in the same way, inequality is also the truth in nature.  People seem to like to tout the idea of equality which is total garbage.  Where in nature is anything equal (or fair is another term)?  The answer is nowhere.  Nature operates under one law: survival of the fittest.  The lion is known as the king of the jungle for a reason.  He did not get this title in a recount or because he was granted certain privilege.  Basically, he took it.   Until something knocks the lion off, it will be this way.

In the human world, we like the idea of equality and everyone being the same.  The truth is that people are not.  Sure they are created in a similar manner but, as we go through life, differences arise.  Some, for example, are smarter than others.  At the same time, there are individuals who are able to get ahead while others lag behind.  Some lead while the masses follow.  It is that simple.  Throughout history, we see great men and women who were able to step up and take control.  Conquering armies going to spoils of war (usually the women) while the losers became slaves.  There are no referees or mediators.  Quite simply, winner takes all.

What is special about BDSM is that it is the one way of life which adheres to the laws of nature.  We do not promote the myth of equality as it pertains to power.  In fact, we are completely open about the fact that we establish our relationships based upon the unequal distribution of power.  Dominants are the one who are fully in charge.  This means they have all the power AND the responsibility to use it properly (misuse of this makes you a fake, pretender, and abuser).  It is the joining of two cores with opposite desires.  One is dominant and desires control while, the other, submissive, seeks to give it up.  Of course, each has a responsibility to the other in the relationship to ensure its success.  Therefore, it is not all one give, the other take.  Each person, following what is natural, offers different attributes to the relationship.  When combined, these two individuals can enjoy something that is deeper than either of them found in the traditional world.

All interactions are based upon one person being in charge with another following. Again, this is the natural way things are.  We see this in friendships where one person is always doing what another wants.  This is often based upon the personalities of each party.  In the business world, we see the employer-employee interaction which makes it easy to see who is in charge.  Parents and kids exhibit the same behavior.  Everywhere we look, we see this play out.  Of course, I would be remiss without mentioning the golden rule: he with the gold makes the rules.  Therefore, we see how interactions take place based upon economic or social status.

My point is that, when you truly analyze it, inequality is the true nature of relationships.  BDSM is the only way of life that openly admits this.  We do not hide this fact or pretend that something else is taking place.  When one is following his core and leading, it is natural for one to follow.  At the same time, this person needs to accept the responsibility for where things go and how they turn out.  This is part of being a true dominant and not some hack just pretending.  Leadership is a quality that always rang true throughout the ages.  If we look in nature, it is easy to see who is the "leader of the pack".  There is always one who is in charge no matter where we look on the scale in the Animal Kingdom.  It is all around us in nature and in BDSM too.

Ergo, BDSM is what is natural.

DN  

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