It is amazing the ways people sabotage their lives and, in particular, their BDSM interactions. I see this all the time as I travel around the Internet reading profiles and entries people make. It is astounding how some people can express themselves. They are almost poetic in their writings. However, they are also very revealing with how they think.
Have you ever wondered why some people, perhaps yourself, find themselves on an endless loop? What I mean by this is that their life simply keeps repeating itself. We see this all the time within the BDSM world with people continually getting into relationships that basically mirror each other. How come, for example, one goes from one abusive relationship to the next? At the same time, we see so many find fake after fake after fake. Why is this? What is the cause of this?
My belief is people and their lives are simply a product of their thinking. As they think, so they behave. This is not a novel concept since it has been written about for over 100 years. Some of the greatest "teachers" in the last century have boldly stated that it is our thinking that creates our reality. Many will have noticed that fear, the Devil's greatest technique according to Napoleon Hill, is a great creator in life. What someone fears most tends to come to fruition. Why is that? Obviously, when one fears something, he or she focuses upon it while adding a great deal of energy to that thought. Over time, the fear takes on a life of its' own until it materializes in the physical world. If you look honestly over parts of your life, you will see how this is true.
Many within the BDSM community have a tendency to relive their past even while in the present. This is extremely common among the submissive types yet they do not have a monopoly on it. Dominants are just as likely to engage in this behavior. So often I see some of the poetic types writing wonderful prose yet opening up all their fears for the world to see. It is rather sad yet they are completely unaware of what the problem is.
Let me tangent for a second and ask a few questions:
Do you like to be told that you have smaller boobs than the last slave?
How do you like being told that you are not as good in bed as my ex?
Does it feel good to have how wonderful the last submissive was thrown in your face?
Is it appealing to you to be repeatedly ranked or grouped with those he or she interacted with in the past?
I would say most people would say they would not like this done. However, have you ever noticed how many people do this exact same thing? They simply compare all their past experiences to the present situation. We see the past is dragged into the present which helps to sabotage that situation. This is especially true when those who suffer emotional turmoil from the breakup of a relationship fail to take the time to properly mourn the ending of that. Instead, they throw these comparisons out, either on purpose or inadvertently. Either way, the present situation is poisoned by this behavior.
So what drives it? My conclusion is fear. People simply do not know how to get over their life issues and move on. They tend to focus upon what their experiences are without regard to what chaos it is creating in the present. This is a basic Life 101 skill that few are adept at. Sadly, it is also a practice that seems to sabotage so many BDSM relationships. I cannot tell you how many times I witnessed someone saying something to the effect "let it go" only to have the person hold onto it. The failure to let these emotional hangups go is what causes people tremendous grief because they keep replaying it in their mind. To add insult to injury, the situation is worsened because of the fact the replaying is done with added emotion which is like putting a thought on steroids. The chance of it materializing is that much greater.
One of the worst things you can say to someone is "you are just like all the rest". The truth is we are individuals. Everyone is unique. To make a statement like this fails to recognize that person's individuality and unique traits. Therefore, if the person has any self worth, he or she will tell you to go with someone else since replacement is so easy. Grouping people, especially one you are interacting with on a highly emotional level, is fatal. It is the easiest way to destroy a relationship. Each person wants to be liked and accepted for his or her individual qualities. Undertaking the process I just described leads to destruction. It really is that simple.
Now that you understand the process, is it any wonder that most people are extremely unsuccessful in the online BDSM world? Yes, it is reality that the vast percentage of people online are fake, scammers, and people with ulterior motives. This cannot be denied. However, not everyone falls into this category. In fact, with the online BDSM world being so large in terms of people, there are thousands of people who are real and genuine. It does take some searching. Nevertheless, since most have a list as long as their right legs of catastrophic situations, their pre-programming is such that they actually look for the negative. In other words, they focus upon someone being a scammer, liar, and scumbag. And guess what they find. Science calls this hypothesis bias which means that a researcher will tend to find results that match his/her bias entering the experiment. What we focus upon appears.
Now my question is how many worthy people did this individual come across yet negate simply because he or she was focusing upon the negative? What opportunities were lost since our BDSM practitioner determined that he or she was going to look for signs of this one being unreal? How many relationships did he or she get into only to have them destroyed by the need to compare the present situation with the past? My research led me to believe that many do this. This is why so many relationships, both inside and outside BDSM, end up in train wrecks. Quite simply, people are not present in the relationship. Instead, they are seeing all the past on the face of the person standing three feet away.
Someone once asked my why I write so much about fear. I do this because it is the great enemy. Fear truly is the master of most (98% of the people according to Hill). Those of us in the BDSM world are just as apt to fall prey to the same human conditions that exist in all of society. Being aware of this emotion is extremely valuable. Fear is a dominating force that can destroy completely. Few have an understanding how it operates in life. It is subtle, dangerous, and ever present. The situation I used in this post shows how fears do come true. Comparing what happened in your past, especially the negative aspects of life (isn't it interesting that few pull the positive aspects of the past into the present) shows how one is fearful of the present situation. In other words, one is expecting (focusing upon) the worst. Ironic, that is exactly what one gets.
It is a healthy practice to take stock of what goes on in your life. This includes analyzing the relationships you were in and what occurred. And yes I will admit that not everything is your fault. There are some devious, mean-spirited, and scumbag people out there. BDSM is an umbrella for many abusers. However, this does not absolve you of your part in these situations. Where did your fear hinder progressing forward? In what ways did it lead you to behavior that sabotaged any opportunity for success? Tony Robbins likes to say "the past does not equal the future" yet for most people it does. The reason is that they insist on hauling their past around with them and wearing it like it is a badge of honor. This is why people experience the endless loop aspect of life. No matter what changes in their life, since their thinking (and fear) is the same, ultimately nothing changes.
And the net result is another lost BDSM relationship.
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A little bouncing ball.......
1 day ago