October 31, 2014

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Branding: A Part of BDSM?


I am continually amazed about some of the things that I come across as I travel around the wonderful world of online BDSM.  Now do not get me wrong, I am all for individuality and people doing what they want for themselves.  As long as there is consent (at least initially in the form of M/s submission), then have at  it.  Nevertheless, once in a while I just have to shake my head.

Recently, I came across a profile of a woman who had a deep desire to be branded.  To her, this was a way to really exhibit her "slavery" and really show the world what she was.  On one level, I completely understand and respect her view.  Slavery is an extreme aspect of our lifestyle.  Those who truly follow this path, at least as I embrace it, are choosing a total and complete form of power exchange.  That means that all is on the table including branding.

Now come the practical side of me.  Branding, while being a symbol of ownership and extreme loyalty, is also very dangerous.  For those who are unfamiliar with this practice, simply ponder what ranchers do with their livestock.  Now imagine this same process done to a human with the exception of having a hot item pressed against the skin repeatedly as opposed to one time.  Essentially, in human branding, the goal is to achieve a 3rd degree burn which emerges in the form of a specific design.  Sadly, much of this is dependent upon the aftercare process which actually interrupts the natural healing process to form a scar.  The problem is that this aftercare puts one at great risk of infection.  The skin is one of the first lines of defense for the body and when that is altered, the potential can be catastrophic.  Consider the fact that the leading cause of death of major burn victims is infection. 

Here is an excellent article which depicts exactly what I am referring to and explains the process in great detail.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/-body-branding.htm

As a practice, I simply cannot condone the idea of branding.  Yes, on a particular level it is a powerful sign of our dedication to M/s and the life we lead.  However, the risk associated with the practice far outweighs any benefit.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice which opens up many avenues.  We live in a wide and varied genre.  Yet some common sense must be maintained.  In lieu of the brand, go for the tattoo.  While not as extreme, it still basically has the same permanence as a brand without the potential dangers.  Remember, we must be sensible with what we do.  Branding simply is not a practice that should be engaged in. 

DN 

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October 27, 2014

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Know What You Want


I see many who enter the BDSM world who approach it like they do buying a car.  It is a scene many can envision.  One walks into a car dealership and the sales person walks up while asking "can I help you".  The answer is a swift "no thank you, we are just looking.  This is a similar approach people take to BDSM....they believe it is like buying a car.  In fact, many will write in their profile that they are just "looking to take a test drive".

Now, I understand people come to this way of life with many questions and confusion.  There is a lot of garbage out there.  One of the main reasons why I started this blog years ago was to try and clear up some of the confusion since I recognized there was so much trash out there.  Nevertheless, before one can truly excel in this way of life, one needs to be committed to it.

The individual who is a "tire kicker" needs to have a methodical approach if any success is going to be attained.  BDSM is different on so many different levels from the way we were raised.  Therefore, gaining an understanding of the different avenues is vitally important.  To me, the best approach is to spend time learning.  Doing one's own personal research is the best way to advance one's ability to decide.  I am continually amazed at some of the things people are shocked about in our way of life.  If one takes the time to do a bit of research, he or she would quickly realize there are many different levels within the lifestyle that people go to.  Understanding the different parameters that exist out there is the first step.  Obviously, there are some who choose to live in an extreme manner while engaging in some fetishes that are rather "non-mainstream" even for us.  While this might not be to the new person's ilk, it is helpful to be aware that it exists.

Sadly, I see so many who want to instantly jump into a BDSM relationship.  The "tire kickers" feel this is how they are going to learn.  Does one learn how to drive by getting behind the wheel of a Corvette?  Obviously, before one can drive, he or she has to go through a series of steps before that benefit is granted.  The same holds true here.  If one wants to be successful in BDSM, it is best to find out what this is all about and to make some decisions as to what is of interest.

Ultimately, success in this lifestyle, like any aspect of life, starts with knowing what you want.  If you read about any successful person, or study success techniques at all, you will find that knowing what the person wanted was at the start.  Tiger Woods was groomed to be a golfer from a young age and he knew he wanted to be the best of all time.  There is a mindset which removes all confusion.  Bill Gates loved computers and tinkering with them.  When he came across Windows, he knew what to do with it.  BDSM is the same way.  If we know what we want, then it makes it easier for us to find it.

 Once one begins to do a bit of research, the different aspects of the lifestyle emerge.  It is at this point that one can start to decipher what he or she is attracted to.  By going within oneself and determining how something strikes one core, one will start to lay the foundation of what will become his or her BDSM life.  When one has an outline of what is desired, then certain things will fall into place.

It is at this point that I must mention something that is a warning.  From experience, I can tell you that, over time, things change.  In fact, there are times when things change rather rapidly.  This is an obvious statement so I will explain further.  My experience is that over time, like and attraction to certain fetishes changes.  Not only have I experienced this, but I witnessed it within others.  For example, I once knew one who had pain as a limit.  She had no desire to engage in impact play.  In fact, she went so far as to say it was a hard limit.  This was based upon her perception of things without any real world BDSM experience.  As it turns out, while not being a pain slut, she did enjoy pain and impact play.  So here was an individual who had one mindset when her reality turned out to be completely different.

The point that I am making is that your initial determination of what you want provides the framework.  It is not an absolute.  Entering BDSM with a closed mind is a fatal process.  We need to be open to all to fully uncover what is within us.  Certainly, there are things which turn our stomachs.  That is fine.  Just because one is open to something does not mean he or she engages in it.  I will tell you that I have explored and tried to understand almost every fetish there is.  At the same time, I can say I have succeeded with most of them in terms of the understanding part.  Of course, that does not mean I am into all of them nor do I want to witness or partake in many in any manner.  Nevertheless, I have considered what they are and accept that, even though it is not for me, there are many who are drawn to it.  This acceptance keeps me from the mindset of "my kink is better than your kink".

Therefore, while knowing what we want is vitally important to life in the BDSM world, we also must maintain an open mind regarding all the things that are possible.  As mentioned, likes can change over time.  Another thing that is a fact of life is that, no matter how long we are around, we do not know everything.  I am sure there are many fetishes that I have never given a single thought to.  It is impossible for me to know all there is about this way of life.  Every year, I learn more and more about what this is all about.  The same is true for everyone else.  If I close my mind off or stop the learning process because I think I know it all, then I am short-changing myself while eliminating a host of possibilities from my life.

BDSM has a lot to offer each of us.  It is imperative that we are willing to explore all there is even if much of it is from an educational perspective.  The truth is we never know when we will stumble upon something that interests us.  Know what you want but remain flexible to adjust and add as necessary.  Life is not stagnant; nor are you.

DN

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October 13, 2014

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What Is Normal?


Society exerts a great deal of power over each of us in conditioning us to be obedient little slaves.  Conformity is something we are taught from the earliest of ages.  In school, we are all shown that we must walk in line with the other kids.  Of course, straying outside of that has negative consequences.  This indoctrination is something that carries with us throughout our lives.  Only a select few are able to stand up to the pressure and truly be ourselves.  Naturally, there are certain aspects of life that we all must conform to unless we want horrific results.  For example, as a nudist, I feel nothing is more natural than people walking around naked.  Society has a different view and if I tried to be natural all the time, I would end up in bondage by the local police.  Therefore, we can see what is natural is not necessarily "normal".

A few posts back, I wrote about sexual tendencies.  What is interesting is society has a way of promoting what it deems "normal" without considering the fact that few people fall into that category.  I find it truly ironic that most people have sexual tendencies which fall outside the bounds of "normalcy".  Of course, whether people act upon these desires or not is a different matter but it does not change the fact that the desires are there to begin with.  I guess we can conclude very few people are "normal" even though society tries to mold everyone into a pattern of normalcy.

The problem for society is so many people are pulling the strings trying to instill their viewpoint as the one that is normal.  Remaining in the sexual arena, we see the power of the religious institutions.  Mantras such as sex before marriage is a sin, marriage is between a man and a woman, sex is to procreate only, and anything outside God's design for sex is wrong are firmly planted in our minds from an early age.  Naturally, this goes counter to what we see in movies and advertising, two venues which use sex as a means of appeal.  Overall, the idea of normalcy is all over the board yet we are suppose to adhere regardless.

The hypocrisy of it all is that nobody can answer what is normal.  In fact, when we talk about hypocrisy, we only need to point to the fact that many of the ones professing about how a proper sex life is suppose to look were, simultaneously, abusing children.  Nevertheless, we are suppose to shape our lives around what these people say.  Talk about blind adherence leading to true ignorance.

Another facet we see "normalcy" is in the area of relationships.  After the women's movement in the 1960s, we saw the power structure within relationships change dramatically.  Now, I am not going to debate the pros or cons of that movement other than to say it changed the way the genders interacted.  Before that, the power resided with the male while the female assumed a more passive or submissive role.  Afterwards, we see all kinds of avenues open up with the traditional structure being obliterated.  Women no longer settled for this idea.  Of course, one needs to consider what women and how many really felt this way (this movement, like most, always has someone else behind it with an ulterior motive).  Nevertheless, the 1950s household was lost for the most part.

Enter BDSM.  We are people who desire a non-normal relationship structure.  Power exchange is at the core of our interaction.  While society feels this is out of the norm, we believe it simply is a matter of timing.  60 years ago, it was the norm.  Today, society altered its outlook; that is all.  Nature does not change only societal views.  Homosexuality is not a new concept.  For hundreds of years, homosexuals were outcast (or worse).  However, the attraction to the same sex is normal for many people.  This is true in this century as it was 3,000 years ago.

At the core of it all is a belief system that is established by society and bought into by those who are part of that culture.  As we look throughout the ages, we see all kinds of behavior, which we now term deviant, as an everyday part of life.  For example, in the Greek Empire, it was common for a boy of 7 to be removed from his home and given to an elder.  Under this arrangement, the boy was to orally and anally satisfy the elder (now you know where the term "going Greek" came from).  The belief system behind this was that a boy, during his development years, would turn into a braver, stronger warrior by drinking the sperm of a man.  At the same time, the separation from females prevented him from being influenced (by all the estrogen I can only presume).

Naturally, in this day and age, we call this child abuse but in the Greek Empire it is completely normal.  Of course, some will say that they were sick and we evolved.  While I can buy that argument to some degree, I would caution against society's evolution.  Take nudity as an example.  I would say we went backwards in that area.  Clothes were designed for warmth and protection against the elements.  Of course, today, clothes are worth in most instances for every reason imaginable other than warmth and protection.  Our "morals" mandate that nudity is wrong.

Ultimately, normal is right and anything outside that is wrong.  Sex between a man and a woman (preferably married) is right.  Sex between two people of the same sex or more than two people is considered wrong.  Equal parity relationships is right, power exchange relationships wrong.  Sex in this missionary position (or maybe doggie style..which is illegal in the state of Florida by the way), is right.  Tying her to a bench and doing her anally (especially without lube) is wrong.

Which brings up my next question: how many people have sex doggie style?  Or to take it a bit further, how many have had threesomes?  How many had sex on a beach or in a car (or anywhere outside their bedroom)?  You see, when it comes to sexual activity, we are all over the place.  Basically, if we can dream it up, someone already tried it.  As was shown, nothing is new in this arena.  Hell, do you think those men were out there tending to those sheep 2,000 years ago and being pure.  I am sure more than one member of the wooly family found her virtue taken.

My point is all this is for each of us to ponder and question what is normal.  Society likes to spell it out for us but few of us fit into that model.  BDSM is obviously a step away from the mainstream.  However, as the success of 50 Shades and movies like the Secretary showed, we might not be that far out of the mainstream.  Perhaps the greater percentage of people actually desire different facets of the BDSM way of life.  Again, most may not act upon these dessire but they are there, floating around in their heads.

The bottom line is that each of us needs to determine what is normal for us.  Society says that monogamy is the proper course.  For many, this is true.  However, there are many people are polysexual, polyamorous, or even pansexual.  These individuals do not fit into the neat little box society tries to mold.

Most of us went the traditional route before finding this way of life.  In fact, it was the pain that resulted from following that path which caused us to search for something different.  It is only upon embarking on this way of life that many of us started to find contentment and fulfillment.  Suddenly, we did not feel like outcasts.  Often I tell newer people "welcome home" because the feeling upon finding this way of life is like a return home.  It all fits after so many years of feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

So what is normal?  That is a question we all have to answer for ourselves.  What is normal (or natural) for me could well be different for you.  It is this difference that makes us all individuals.  The key is to find that person(s) who has similar likes.  BDSM is a wide and varied way of life.  In fact, within one person might be many different layers all seeking fulfillment.  BDSM offers the avenue that says "pursue them and find fulfillment" as opposed to the "comply" that society promotes.

DN 

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October 7, 2014

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BDSM: It Is What Is Natural


The other day, I went to the nude beach for a day of relaxation and enjoyment.  Thankfully, nothing of great importance got sunburned so it was a successful venture.  Leaving aside my personal tidbits, I did want to share some thoughts I had while out there.

Are you aware that bathing suits were not invented until the 18th century?  Before that, people swam....nude.  This article of clothing was created because of the morality of the times.  In other words, the prudishness of people started to get in the way of what was natural.   This will come as no surprise to my regular readers since I like to point out the hypocrisies of society and how the conditioning it provides is not in our best interest.

Natural Laws

The entire universe operates according to laws that are natural to it.  Humans, since we are part of the Animal Kingdom, are a part of this cosmos, hence required to follow the basic mandates of the universe.  Of course, with our advanced knowledge and wisdom, we feel we are smarter than the rest of the species on this planet.  Pretty ironic when you consider the fact that dolphins do not have complexes about who or what they are.  The same cannot be said for humans.

Anyway, getting back to the nude beach, our natural state is sans clothing.  Clothing is meant to protect one from the elements.  Obviously, the idea of walking around naked in North Dakota in January will get one a trip to the nut house.  Clothing in this instance is required to protect one from the cold and wind.  This is just common sense.  However, wearing clothes at other times does not make sense except to conform to the viewpoints of society.

Over the years, I spoke with many about the nude beach.  As you can imagine, I get a variety of responses when asking people if they would ever frequent one.  I think the most common answer is the belief that one does not "have the body" to be out there.  That one always makes me laugh.  I guess people think it is a bunch of super models out there tanning themselves bare.  The truth is one sees the aging process in all its glory.  In other words, things that started out one place are now somewhere else.  Again, this is just nature (or gravity which is one of the laws of the universe) working its magic.

Another response is people seem to believe that they "could never expose themselves like that".  My question is "why not"?  Do you have something that is unique.  I can assure you in all my years going out there, people basically fit into one of two categories.  The men all had penises and asses while the women asses, breasts, and vaginas.  Outside the rare breed who was a hybrid of the two (breasts with a penis), everyone was one or the other.  Sure, there were different shapes, sizes, and colors.  Nevertheless, the basic components are the same.

People are basically unveiling what nature gave them.  There is nothing sexual or lewd about laying around naked sunning oneself.  It is the most natural thing in the world.  This is how we were born in spite of social conditioning trying to tell us otherwise.

Another natural aspect of life is sex.  I know, this is something that society has tried to control and stamp out for centuries.  Nevertheless, the truth is that sex is as natural as breathing.  Anyone who grew up on a farm knows the primary motive for sex and people of this sort learn it at a young age.  The stud and mare are joined together for a reason and it is not for pleasure.  Of course, at the basic essence that is why humans have sex.

Much like nudity, sex has become a dirty thing.  What is ironic is that not too long ago in our history, it was something that was openly done.  Think back to the "Little House on the Prairie" times when people lived in what basically was a one room house with a loft for sleeping.  To start, open nudity was a given since all members of the family bathed in the washtub in the middle of the room.  Also, mom and dad, hold your cookies on this one, had sex like most normal adults even though the kids were right there.  There were no bedrooms to hide behind; no motel rooms to rent.  Basically, it was all out in the open.  Again, this was natural as opposed to what society promotes today that sex is dirty and taboo.

What is the point of all this?  I want to show everyone that sex, nudity, and a host of other things are as natural as the oxygen we breathe.  All member of the Animal Kingdom have sex to reproduce.  We come into this world with nothing and leave the same way.  Our bottoms are bare when we leave the womb and often that way when we take our last breathes.  Those who eat natural foods tend to be in better health and shape as compared to those who eat the processed stuff that is killing so many.  All of this is as natural as the gravity that is keeping you tied to this planet.

Inequality

Much in the same way, inequality is also the truth in nature.  People seem to like to tout the idea of equality which is total garbage.  Where in nature is anything equal (or fair is another term)?  The answer is nowhere.  Nature operates under one law: survival of the fittest.  The lion is known as the king of the jungle for a reason.  He did not get this title in a recount or because he was granted certain privilege.  Basically, he took it.   Until something knocks the lion off, it will be this way.

In the human world, we like the idea of equality and everyone being the same.  The truth is that people are not.  Sure they are created in a similar manner but, as we go through life, differences arise.  Some, for example, are smarter than others.  At the same time, there are individuals who are able to get ahead while others lag behind.  Some lead while the masses follow.  It is that simple.  Throughout history, we see great men and women who were able to step up and take control.  Conquering armies going to spoils of war (usually the women) while the losers became slaves.  There are no referees or mediators.  Quite simply, winner takes all.

What is special about BDSM is that it is the one way of life which adheres to the laws of nature.  We do not promote the myth of equality as it pertains to power.  In fact, we are completely open about the fact that we establish our relationships based upon the unequal distribution of power.  Dominants are the one who are fully in charge.  This means they have all the power AND the responsibility to use it properly (misuse of this makes you a fake, pretender, and abuser).  It is the joining of two cores with opposite desires.  One is dominant and desires control while, the other, submissive, seeks to give it up.  Of course, each has a responsibility to the other in the relationship to ensure its success.  Therefore, it is not all one give, the other take.  Each person, following what is natural, offers different attributes to the relationship.  When combined, these two individuals can enjoy something that is deeper than either of them found in the traditional world.

All interactions are based upon one person being in charge with another following. Again, this is the natural way things are.  We see this in friendships where one person is always doing what another wants.  This is often based upon the personalities of each party.  In the business world, we see the employer-employee interaction which makes it easy to see who is in charge.  Parents and kids exhibit the same behavior.  Everywhere we look, we see this play out.  Of course, I would be remiss without mentioning the golden rule: he with the gold makes the rules.  Therefore, we see how interactions take place based upon economic or social status.

My point is that, when you truly analyze it, inequality is the true nature of relationships.  BDSM is the only way of life that openly admits this.  We do not hide this fact or pretend that something else is taking place.  When one is following his core and leading, it is natural for one to follow.  At the same time, this person needs to accept the responsibility for where things go and how they turn out.  This is part of being a true dominant and not some hack just pretending.  Leadership is a quality that always rang true throughout the ages.  If we look in nature, it is easy to see who is the "leader of the pack".  There is always one who is in charge no matter where we look on the scale in the Animal Kingdom.  It is all around us in nature and in BDSM too.

Ergo, BDSM is what is natural.

DN  

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October 4, 2014

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BDSM: Individual Kink and Outlooks


Reading many of the conversations online it is easy to conclude that many have very judgmental attitude towards what other people desire and are into.  The "my kink is okay but your is not" is commonplace.  It is interesting to note that many often complain about feeling ostracized by mainstream and their vanilla friends yet turn around and do the same thing to others.  Here is a classic double standard imposed by many in the lifestyle.  In other words, they want the freedom to live as they see fit while mandating that others adhere to their beliefs.

I witnessed this same behavior before in a couple other "lifestyles" that I practice.  Nudity is something that is frowned upon especially in the U.S.  Overall, we are very uptight about the human body.  Nudity is something that is seen as bad and we go to any length to cover up.  Naturally, the media and advertisers put a spin on nudity equating it to sex which is untrue.  Therefore, practicing nudists are ostracized by not only society but those closest to them.  They know what it is like to be outcast for doing something they enjoy which is also harmless to others.

Which brings me to the double standard.  Here is a group that feels the effects of judgment so you would be led to believe they are open-minded and non-judging.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Many nudists are also practicing swingers.  Now, I am the first to admit that nudism and swinging do not necessarily go together; they are two distinct activities.  Nevertheless, there are many who do enjoy both.  Of course, the swinger crowd creates quite a rift with the nudism community, especially those of the religious (read Christian) viewpoint.  They classify the swingers as immoral and perverts.  Ironic, since those are the same accusations levied against the nudists by the mainstream world.

Fetishes

Everyone has their fetishes but what is a fetish really?  I could look up the dictionary definition and give what Webster believes a fetish is.  However, I am not going to do that rather, opting to simply say a fetish is something we like.  It is a desire which arouses us sexually.  The thing about fetishes is there is no right or wrong.  In fact, if it is a fetish to you, it is something that is natural...for you.  We need to continually be reminded we are all different.

Sexuality is a diverse mechanism.  What applies to one does not apply to another.  I am a male (sex) who identifies as a male (gender) while liking females (sexual preference).  Many men fit into this same category as me.  However, as we know, not all do.  There are many men who identify as males who like other males.  The same thing is said for women.  Some women identify as women while also liking women.  Add to the mix those who sexually prefer both men and women and you see how diverse even our sexual preferences can get.  To further complicate matters, there are men who identify as women (tg/ts) who like men (or women).  As you can imagine, we can create a multitude of different scenarios using these same basic elements.  The point I am trying to make is that whatever one identifies with, that is natural for him or her.

The same is true for fetishes.  Just take a look at this simple list I put together:

-groupsex
-exhibitionism
-voyeurism
-puppy play
-power exchange (tpe)
-rape fantasy
-bondage
-public sex
-furry
-diaper play
-vomit play
-age play
-infantilism
-pee play
-impact play
-hooding
-fisting
-blood play
-knife play
-daddy dom
-spanking
-orgasm control

As you can see, this is quite a diverse list.  Now some of the things on this list most likely are highly attractive to you while others simply turn your stomach.  The bottom line is there is someone out there who likes something on this list.  Each and every fetish has someone who enjoys it.  Certainly, there are some that are more "fringe" than others.  However, it is something someone else enjoys and, while it might not be your thing, is completely exciting and natural for them. 

Another interesting observation I made over the years is that people also can change their own particular views on certain fetishes.  What I mean by this is, over time, some come to embrace that which they previously discounted or shied away from.  Another truth is we evolve so to believe that something you dislike today will always be that way might be a mistaken viewpoint.  As people grow and adapt, their outlooks change.  This is something to bear in mind as you are judging something as gross, perverted, or pathetic.

Therefore, we can see now how naturalness plays a big part in what one is excited by.  The fact that it is not something you enjoy does not make it wrong, just not your thing.  I am sure there are many things you are into that does not strike a chord with me.  It is that diversity which makes BDSM interesting and exciting.

Perspectives and History

Another problem with judgment in the area of human sexuality is that we, as humans, really do not know what is going on.  What do I mean by this?  Sexuality is something society has warped throughout the ages.  Obviously, we all know the religious influence in this arena and how the religions of the world sought/seek to control it.  However, as we also learned, conclusions of human sexuality based upon moral viewpoints are not accurate.

The biggest example of this is in the area of homosexuality.  It is only in the last 50 years that homosexuals are starting to receive some tolerance from the mainstream.  A short time ago, when viewed through the wide scale of time, homosexuals where given different kinds of treatment to "correct" them.  Many thought they were possessed by the devil so exorcisms were used.  Shock treatment was another means utilized to try to "correct" the individuals.  Of course, incarceration and even castration were turned to because, well, society could not have the homosexuals running around molesting children (since everyone knows that if one is turned on by a man, that individual must be sexually aroused by a child).  Ultimately, precautions needed to be taken in case homosexuality was contagious.

As we now know, the viewpoint of those 100 years ago was absurd and intolerant.  The truth is, for a homosexual, attraction to another person of the same sex is natural for him or her.  This is how that individual was created.  It is that plain and simple.  To state otherwise is proclaiming there is something "wrong" either physically or morally with this individual which is untrue.

Of course, I can get even more absurd to emphasize my point.  Clitoral mutilation is something many African nations got great publicity about in the past few years.  It appears many tribes engage in clitoral mutilation as a means of sacrifice and also control.  Naturally, this created outrage about the "civilized" western world.  What is interesting is that more abuse took place over the last 200 years in this area in the west than anywhere else.  Women who were horny were frowned upon.  Therefore, a women who was turned on and wanted sex was termed a pervert (read deviant).  Like with homosexuality, there were many methods which society used throughout the ages.  One such method was having acid poured on the clitoris to remove the sexual desire from the misfit.  As you can imagine, I am sure this was pretty effective.  Looking back, we see the absurdity of it yet those people, in that era, believed they were correct.

Remember this idea as you look upon those who have a different viewpoint or desire when it comes to their BDSM way of life.  We use the terms gross and disgusting to characterize that which is unappealing to us.  Well, let me ask all you heterosexuals (males especially) out there, is homosexuality disgusting?  While I am sure there are many who will answer that as yes, I think the overriding outlook by most fair minded individuals is that it is not.  Now, I am the first to admit that sucking off another man has as much appeal as drinking acid to me.  It is not my thing.  However, I realize that for a certain percentage of males (and most of the female population), this is a highly appealing activity.  The same is true for diaper play, foot play, and infantilism.  These are all activities which are not on my list of desires yet there are many people who it is their preference.  Quite simply, it is a natural desire for them.  Thus, I am confronted with the situation of where I can proclaim myself right or accept the fact that everyone is different.

And who knows, maybe there will come a time when I like to sniff a woman's used shoes (I highly doubt it but you can never say never).  BDSM is about open-mindedness.  Try to give that benefit to others.

DN 

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October 1, 2014

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Unwilling To Let Go


One of the common themes in my writing about the BDSM world is the need for depth.  To me, the entire essence of a BDSM relationship is attaining levels that the traditional world does not recognize.  BDSM offers us an avenue through which we can enjoy deeper interactions.  The fact that we go beyond the vanilla world in this regard means we have to be attentive to different things.

Belief System

Another common topic I cover quite regularly is the fact that we are conditioned by society from the time we are infants.  This conditioning is a means designed to control us and make each of us obedient subjects.  This can come from a variety of sources but the usual culprits are parents (family), friends (peers), the media, teachers, religious institutions, and employers.  In fact, it can be said that everyone we encounter seeks to influence us in some way.  Ultimately, by the time a person is in his/her late 20s, the entire belief system was established by others.  Few ever take the time to sit back and question what they believe.  What is ironic is they will defend it to the hilt without ever considering how the belief was adopted.  Political outlooks, religious views, and sporting affiliations are prime examples.  People will staunchly defend what they view is right without ever researching if what they are defending is correct.  Ergo, the instillation of the belief system was complete.

One idea that society promotes is the concept of marriage.  Of course, as we heard for over a year with the political discourse, marriage is between a man and a woman.  This is the pathway that society approves for relationships and the family structure.  It is also the way to happiness and fulfillment.  The problem with this concept is two fold.  To start, what happens if you fall outside this structure to begin with.  For example, as we know, the homosexual population is excluded since it does not fit the model.  At the same time, those who are into poly relationships fall outside the bounds since society only approves of one such relationships.  We can also see how open relationships are frowned upon.  And finally, those who opt for a single life simply have something wrong with them because this is not "normal".

The second problem with this belief system is that, those of us in BDSM, know it is a complete lie.  The simple truth is most of us went down the traditional path only to find it lacking.  Now, that is not to say that some people, many people, do not find fulfillment going this direction.  I believe many do and it is the ideal path for most.  However, not everyone fits into that mode.  Those of is in BDSM realize that a marriage in the traditional sense did not work for us.  In fact, relationship structures based upon the equal sharing of power was not effective, marriage or otherwise.  Therefore, we started the search for something different.

Part of the process that everyone who finds BDSM goes through is the questioning of the belief system that was instilled.  People, because of the pain realized in the vanilla world, start to look elsewhere to see what can satisfy them.  The simple act of starting to search means one is questioning the existing belief system which is common for that particular culture.  In our realm, we confronted the idea that happiness and fulfillment was found in a heterosexual union with equal power committed to each other, and only each other, for life.  Of course, this meant breaking those a host of ideas that we held for a long time.  Beliefs are not easy to change and entering the world of BDSM meant that we smashed a host of ideas which were deeply rooted within us.

The Fight

Our entire world centers in our mind.  This is something that some might take exception to but it is reality.  For centuries, writers alluded to this fact in all the great works.  It is our minds that determine our experience.  The outer world is only a reflection of the inner.  Therefore, it is how we view things, our perception, which ultimately decides it all.  How we feel, what we do, what we like, and whom we interact with are all based upon the judgments of the mind.  Beliefs are a short cut to this end since it gives us the "automatic" decision without much thinking.  Of course, as we know, this can be a real problem since a lack of thinking is not always a great thing.

Letting go of old ideas is the basis of all transformation.  I feel this is the single biggest challenge people have when entering BDSM.  The simple truth is that BDSM is a world completely different from what most of us are experienced in.  The ideas, concepts, and behaviors are not something that we encountered when conditioned by society.  In fact, much of what we see in the BDSM world is commonly thought of as negative, i.e. meaning we have a poor opinion of it when entering.  For example, society views impact play as abusive when we know that, when done properly, it is fulfilling for both parties involved.  In this realm, impact play is positive yet our culture views it as negative.  This example and many like this tend to cause conflict within a person.

Ultimately, for one to excel in BDSM and have successful interactions, one must be willing to let go.  This is a scary concept for most.  We are not conditioned to question what we think or believe.  Our culture teaches us that "we are right" no matter what the subject is.  Of course, the human ego eats this up completely.  Yet, sadly, the truth is we are not since most of us were unhappy with how our lives were going.  Nevertheless, the need to defend is intense even when, deep down, we do not believe what we are defending.

Getting back to the concept of depth, we also find that society conditioned us in this realm also.  We hear a lot of information about depth especially in relationships yet how many of them do we really see.  Most people, even in the world of marriage, simply co-exist with their spouse.  Their interactions, for the most part, are rather shallow.  What society promotes as virtues tend not to develop deep, meaningful interactions.  This is where the conflict arises especially when one wants to achieve success in the BDSM world.

It is true most of us have a history of train wrecks when it comes to relationships.  The truth is that we would not be in this way of life if our success rate was exceptional in the vanilla world.  If it was working, why change.  The fact that we went searching for something else was the result of pain caused by continually beating our heads against the wall in a relationship structure that did not fit us.  Hence, we enter this realm with a bit of unresolved hurt.  This creates a major problem for most.

My experience is that for one to enjoy all that a BDSM relationship has to offer, it is a necessary step for one to let go of all that he/she is attached to.  What do I mean by this?  Basically, we need to question our entire belief system.  I feel the proper approach is that, no matter how old you are, you do not know shit.  If you knew anything, why are you here?  My conclusion is that we arrive at the door of BDSM lost and confused.  This way of life provides clarity and gives us a home.  However, we need to be willing to let go of all that we brought with us to really enjoy the fruits of this way of life.

Naturally, this is going to be a process, like peeling an onion.  Few are able to rid themselves of old beliefs and hangups instantly.  Nevertheless, this is something that we all need to be working towards.  We are screwed up people when we get here because we thoroughly absorbed the ideas and beliefs that society taught us. Sadly, my feeling is these ideas were not in our best interest but, rather, the one instilling them.  Therefore, we need to let go of all that holds us back which, ironically, is just about everything.

BDSM success means to stop the fight.  I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed the internal struggle that a slave has.  There is a battle which pits her core against her mind.  From what I wrote here today, you can guess what is present in the mind: societal conditioning.  This is where one tries to hold onto the belief system which has failed her for so long.  All the hurt, pain, and anger is resident here and the mind uses fear to prevent one from moving forward.  Fear is something that every Master encounters within a slave.  Getting past this is paramount for BDSM success.  The best way to do this is to circumvent the mind, which is going to fight, and go after the core.  This is where one makes the connection.  It also offers the greatest chance of success since the core will often override what the mind is telling one, if allowed.  But remember, there is a fight going on which often you will not be able to do much about.  It is often necessary to stand back and let the battle take place.  Ultimately, she will decide which side is the victor.  Those who leave BDSM tend to listen to the mind while those who remain are in touch with what resides in the core.

So in conclusion, to really enjoy depth, one must be willing to let it all go.  Over the years, our minds get filled with all kinds of ideas which tend not to serve us.  Much of this is instilled in us by society.  However, a lot of it is conclusions based upon our own experiences.  The problem with the later is that often our perspective skews what really took place.  Ultimately, all fear boils down to the belief that "I am not enough" which means I cannot handle what might take place.  It is imperative to know that your core is pure; it is always correct; it knows what is best.  Sadly, we, as a society, are not taught to listen to this part of ourselves.  Therefore, we fight it continually until we either give up or get so stubborn that we simply do what the mind tells us regardless.

Ultimately, it is a choice that one needs to make.

DN

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September 30, 2014

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The Meaning of Life


What is the meaning of life?

Many have wrestled with this question when, in fact, it is a rather easy answer.

The meaning of life is to grow as an individual and to contribute to the lives of others.

That is it.


Now it is up to each of us to find out how to accomplish this.  I believe that BDSM offers the perfect avenue to achieve both these ends.  To start, as all my regular readers know, I am a big proponent of growth within a BDSM relationship.  For it to succeed, there must be growth by each individual and the relationship as an entity.  If not, failure will most likely ensure.  Also, BDSM is the ideal vehicle to give (contribute) to another(s).  Personally, writing this blog is one of the ways to do it.  We also see within the context of the BDSM relationship the ability to serve.  Yes, this applies equally for the Masters as it does for the slave.  Both individuals have a responsibility to serve the other.  This is what leads to fulfillment. 

DN

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September 29, 2014

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Commitment To This Way Of Life


I wrote about this subject before yet it requires some revisiting for the newer readers.  This is one of the most important aspects of the BDSM world and one that is crucial for an individual to enjoy long-term success.   Too many overlook this basic concept without realizing how fatal it is.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the 3 step submission process.  This is something that I identified as a way to avoid putting the proverbial cart before the horse.  The first step in this process is to commit to this way of life.  Too many want to get involved before making a decision.  This is incorrect.  Your decision to become a part of and live the BDSM way of life is determined by what is within you.  It is your core that reveals whether you belong here or elsewhere.  Those who have strong characteristics deep within themselves of either domination or submission will not find fulfillment anywhere else.  Obviously, this is a path many of us took before finding BDSM which only led to failure, unhappiness, and a lack of fulfillment.

The problem I see is too many want to treat BDSM as if they are looking for a car or trying on a new dress.  There seems to be a portion of people who approach BDSM with the idea it is something to try out before moving forward.  Certainly, few are truly certain this is for them upon finding the lifestyle.  However, as you can guess, the level of success one has is usually in proportion to the commitment level to start.  Those who treat BDSM as a passing fancy are quick to leave when things get difficult.

Over the years I spoke with many who encountered this crossroad.  The truth is there will be times when being committed to BDSM is rather difficult.  We all know the games that are played by so many, especially online.  This has the tendency to wear on even the strongest amongst us.  Nevertheless, only the committed are willing to pick up the pieces and try again.  Success is usually a result of perseverance.  Also, a BDSM relationship is still a relationship and the fact that one is experiencing failure in this area might be an indication of something deeper going on.  Hence, instead of "leaving" this way of life, it might be prudent to look within and see what is really going on.  Perhaps some personal work is required for a specific time period before re-entering the fray.  Hence, we find the best option is usually to step back and take some time away from the BDSM pursuit.  Usually people encounter the crossroads after the breakup of a BDSM relationship.  Most therapist will state that, after the ending of a relationship, it is best to heal before entering another one.  Many fail to do this.

The bottom line is that people seem to expect things to magically work out or they are moving on.  BDSM is not this way.  As mentioned, we deal with relationships which take time, effort, and commitment.  There are no shortcuts in this area.  Also, being true to ourselves often means facing things we would rather not look at.  Oftentimes the problem is not "them" but us.  This is a difficult pill to swallow.  Remember, when one person says it, it is an opinion.  However, when multiple people draw the same conclusion, it becomes consensus.  Sometimes personal evaluation is required.

Another aspect that arises which is worthy of mentioning is that we look at the world through our own eyes.  What this means is that everything is our perspective.  The problem with this idea is that we are not necessarily correct even though we might think so.  One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.  It is our perspective yet we place immense value in it.  The truth is how we view ourselves is most often different from how others view us.  We tend to project our fears, insecurities, and negative aspects while minimizing the good things within us.  Others have the ability, often, to see past that and get a much clearer image of what we truly are.  I do not know the number of good slaves I encountered over the years who failed to see their worth.  In short, their fears and low esteem destroyed them.

So what happens when one encounters a situation where he or she is questioning what this way of life is all about and where he/she fits in?  The answer simply goes back to the aforementioned commitment level.  Those who realize that BDSM is the way of life for them will ultimately move forward.  This might require stepping back for a time but the individual knows his or her place.  Being true to one's core is vitally important.  However, the individual who lacks this commitment is going to believe the answer lies elsewhere.  In this instance, we see the individual leave the lifestyle believing some other avenue provides us the proper path.  Of course, this usually means vanilla.  Personal experience led me down this same route and created the biggest train wreck of my life.  In other words, my commitment level was not where it needed to be while I operated under a false belief (that I could find fulfillment in a vanilla relationship).

Therefore, before you go any further, I suggest you check your commitment level as it pertains to BDSM.  Is this something that you are just trying out to "see if it works"?  Are you dedicated to succeeding in this way of life no matter what b.s. you encounter?  Do you believe the problems you are encountering reside within this lifestyle or is it something else?  The answers to these questions will determine what path you take.

The reason why I write this post is because I do not believe most people end up in BDSM by mistake.  Yes, there are those who were attracted by 50 Shades and this is a passing fancy.  However, for most, there was something deeper which drew them in.  These are the individuals who I am directing this post at.  These are the ones who buy into the false belief that elsewhere holds the key to their fulfillment.  In most instances, it does not.  Ultimately, they realize, after more suffering, that BDSM was where they belonged.  Again, I speak from personal experience on this one.

Therefore, check your commitment level when considering the thoughts about leaving BDSM behind.  Trust me when I tell you, whatever you are encountering/dealing with exists in the traditional world also.  Being committed is what enables us to overcome the obstacles in our path.  This is true not only for BDSM but all of life.  Hence, the solution is not to throw in the towel when things get difficult but, rather, further the resolve for success.

Remember, success oftentimes is just on the other side of failure.

 DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

September 26, 2014

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WHAT WE FEAR MOST BECOMES OUR EXPERIENCE.

DN

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Self Bondage


This is a topic that is not covered to often in the world of BDSM but something that I feel is extremely important since I witness it in almost every individual I come across.  Obviously, like most of my posts, this subject is not what people commonly associate it with.  I am not going to delve into the fetish of "self bondage" but, rather, explore what people do to themselves.

All Issues Are Self Worth Issues

People do what they do because of what is within them.  What do I mean by this?  Basically, all external observations are a reflection of what is within one.  Basically, the outer is a product of the inner.  This is no secret since personal development people referred to this idea for the past 100 years.  The mind is a powerful mechanism.  Sadly, few people really know how to use it.  Instead, they are just puppets on the string run by an out of control "master" who devastates their lives.  Today, I hope to help break you of some of this.

As you know, I am against the conditioning of society.  Slaves, in my experience, tend to have overt self esteem issues because of the conditioning that our culture places them under.  Madison Avenue (the mecca of advertisers) promotes images of what we are suppose to look like, what we should have, and how we should live.  If you do not meet these standards, you are less than.  Obviously, the most impacted are females who are consistently bombarded by messages of what "beautiful" is.  The idea that "you are not good enough", which is programmed in us from an early age, becomes imprinted upon our psyche.  It is sad how many wonderful people I met over the years who are truly worthwhile yet did not see that themselves.

I mentioned that slaves are overt in their self esteem issues.  To the trained eye, dominants are equally as overt yet the masses miss it.  Therefore, let me tell you, most dominants have self esteem issues that are as bad as slaves.  The major difference is they "cover" it up with the idea that they are strong.  This is what leads to their online behavior of being arrogant a**holes.  Instead of acting like a self confident man, they are demeaning and abusive.  This is not strength but comes from fear.  Deep down they know they are not good enough so they compensate by flashing ego to the world. Ultimately, they are just as scared as most others.

Hence, one abuses because of low self esteem while the one being abused takes it for the same reason.  Again, neither is coming from a place of strength but, rather, weakness.  Ultimately, in life, people get exactly what they are able to handle.  Therefore, if you continually find yourself in abusive relationships, the reason is because you are too weak to handle anything else.  In other words, your self worth tells you "this is what you deserve".  To break the cycle, one must increase her self esteem so she, deep down, believes she deserves more.  Until that occurs, the cycle will repeat itself.

Fear: The Ultimate Captor

Many within the lifestyle love bondage.  It is an aspect of play that really excites me.  This simple act really emphasizes the difference in power.  One who is bound is basically at the mercy of the one doing the binding.  It is very stimulating for both a dominant and slave to envision this situation.  To be under total control really strikes at the core of a slave while doing the same to the master.  However, the same is true when one does it to oneself, unfortunately, without the same stimulation.

Most people are run by fear.  It is their overriding default.  Their mind is so out of control that it creates physical/emotional sensations in the body which dictates the action taken (or not taken).  As I said, most slaves operate from this exact place.  Their past, which is usually littered with horrific situations, continues to run their lives in each present moment.  This is the reason why many continually run.  They conditioned themselves to believe that when they start to experience something, it is time to move on.  In other words, they feel they are going to "leave" before the other person "hurts" them.

The problem with operating out of this perspective is that nobody can predict what is going to happen.  Each life situation is new.  People have a tough time internalizing this but the truth is that each individual is different from every other.  Therefore, if you are dealing with someone new, he or she is a different person than your ex, last master, or the one you slept with last week.  While cycles and patterns of behavior do occur, especially if you are failing to grow and learn, it is not necessarily the case.

Therefore, we must conclude that fear is an illusion.  Realistically, fear is only real when we are put into the "fight or flight" situation.  In other words, when we are in physical danger, a number of things happen within the body in response to the mechanism which allows us to either fight or flee.  This is a biological reaction which served our ancestors well.  However, in this era, when most of what we battle is within our heads, we need to understand this has horrendous effects.  Buying into the fears (99% of them) is unhealthy and serves no purpose.  They are just stories that our mind tells us.  Again, the truth is we do not know.

Strength

BDSM is about becoming a strong person.  Those who truly commit to this way of life and delve into themselves realize there is a lot down in their core.  The potential of most is incredible yet so few tap into it.  One thing I learned about the core (located down around the pubic hair line) is that it contains the truth.  This area is free from the myths of the mind.  It reveals to us what is true about ourselves without the false imagery out minds project.  We come to understand our domination/submission by accessing this part of ourselves.  At the same time, our sexual desires, kinks, and wants are located here.  We also uncover what it is that makes us tick and motivates us.  Our passions and what we truly want in life is also located here.  This is why I often write that BDSM is a journey within especially at the beginning.  Understanding oneself is paramount before embarking upon a relationship with another(others).  Sadly, few take this step.

Another thing that is located at our core is our strength.  Again, this is inherent in everyone.  Nobody is created weak.  The only reason why people are weak is because they refuse/fail to access what is within them.  Believing the lies of the mind is much easier than doing the necessary internal search that is required to understand oneself.  At the same time, society does not promote this idea for the simple reason is it wants people to be weak and obey.  Few have the strength to stand up on their own.  What is ironic is the fact that one is in the BDSM world shows the ability to shed the mainstream ideas (mostly from the experience of not working) and seeking something that fulfills one.  Ultimately, fulfillment comes from adhering to what the core desires.

Contrary to what the consensus seems to be, especially among the online community, slaves are and need to be strong individuals.  There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with an individual who is overrun with fear.  In fact, it is impossible to get anywhere with someone of this nature.  Instead of tapping into the natural strength within her, she succumbs to fear.  What this causes is an extremely pessimistic outlook upon life.  Each situation is viewed through "the worst case scenario" glasses.  It is as if a person of this sort is always waiting for something "bad" to happen.  Of course, this is why many opt to run before that "bad" enters their lives.  As I said, this is coming from a place of weakness and results in a lifelong habit of poor choices.

So what does strength look like.  As mentioned, this is not a boasting or telling the world how great you are.  In fact, actions like that are from the same place as running.  It is fear...the fear of not being enough.  Therefore, a person of this sort tries to make him or herself appear better by either boasting or putting another down.  Strong people have no need to do this.

A slave who is strong embraces what she is.  She is proud of her ability to submit to another at the mental level while surrendering her core.  Understanding and taking her place is something she relishes.  She is fully aware that being a slave is not a place of less than, especially when compared to dominants.  Instead, she grasps that her submissiveness is just a trait that is opposite of a dominant yet equally necessary.  Her engagement in power separation is adhering to her core and she does so without fear.  Of course, she is intelligent in her decisions while not submitting to just any moron.  She seeks out those who are true and seek to fulfill her core.  Letting go is something that might not come easily but she does so because she has full faith within herself that all will work out.  Trust is not a problem since the person she trusts the most is herself.  She looks at those areas of uncertainty in her life and takes painstaking takes the measures to understand and correct them.  Finally, she is willing to stand in and embrace what she needs/desires without fear.

It is ironic to read profiles of people who write what they are seeking and then witness them run when they get exactly what they are asking for.  On what level does this make sense.  I once wrote that "when the universe gives you exactly what you desire, it is a good idea to embrace it and not run from it".  Nevertheless, we see the actions derived from a lack of self worth taking hold.  People behave in this manner because their mind is at odds with their core.  It is always a bad idea to side with the mind when battling the core.

In the end, people are their own worst enemies.  They are in bondage, not because of others, but because of their own thought processes.  The inability to realize how special and valuable they are leads them to accept the unacceptable.  It also creates a hopeless outlook whereby one is basically "just passing the time".  Instead of moving towards something that could potentially fulfill them, they move away from it while waiting for the "bad" feelings to pass.  They will not.  Ultimately, the mind will keep generating the thoughts that lead to these feelings which keep you bound up.  Internally, all bondage is self bondage.  And, at the end of the day, the only one who can free yourself is you.

Self bondage might be a wonderful fetish but it is a terrible way to live your life.  Today, start the process of shedding the "chains" that are holding you captive.  Exercise the strength that is within you and be disciplined in your actions.  You have a lot to offer the world in spite of what your mind tells you.  Begin this process to see how wonderful your life can be.  You are truly worthy, your core tells me so.  However, what I believe means little; it is what you believe that really matters.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.
 

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