September 18, 2014

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A Master's Greatest Challenge


Today's post comes from years of experience and encounters with many different slaves.  One thing about interaction with others on a large scale is that it affords one the opportunity to see trends along the way.  Human beings tend to be the same at least within certain cultural norms.  Now, I will admit that my interactions are basically limited to those from the Western cultures.  There might be some differences when dealing with those who experienced the Eastern bloc countries or are from the parts of the world which still adhere to tribal traditions.  Nevertheless, most people seem to follow similar patterns.

I often write about depth in the BDSM world and how important it is to strive for this within a BDSM relationship.  Too many focus upon the "whips and chains" without giving any thought to what is beyond it.  So many are led by their sexual hormones that they fail to realize that the videos put out by the porn industry is not what BDSM is all about.  Nevertheless, this is the approach the majority of nitwits take.

For those who seek more, based upon the feedback I received, my writings find a home.  Many expressed the notion that depth is something they seek.  However, one thing I learned is that depth has it's price.  Few are able to embrace it and let go to enjoy it.  Hangups tend to arise every step of the way.  People are conditioned a certain way and straying from that is difficult.

One of the most important duties a Master performs is to take a slave and help her to grow.  There are many who believe that BDSM is a one way street yet this is not the case.  A Master has plenty of responsibility towards a slave while also having to give a lot.  In essence, a Master serves a slave albeit in a different manner than he receives it.  Nonetheless, he does perform a service to her or else there is no reason for her to be involved in BDSM.

When one seeks depth with a slave, there is one issue that always arises which must be dealt with.  What I am going to discuss now is a common ailment among human beings.  However, it is my experience that slaves take this to another level.  For whatever reason, they are bound up more than the average person by this affliction.  Therefore, unraveling this is of utmost importance.

And what is it that I am talking about you ask.  Simply, the biggest battle a Master has when seeking to take a slave at a deep level is fear.  It is the one hangup that almost every slave I encountered has to the "nth" degree.  Certainly it varies in how it manifests in the individual but under it all is intense fear.  Overcoming this is a Master's greatest challenge.

 Many slaves reside in a state of perpetual fear.  It is amazing how bound up an individual can be to the point she is almost paralyzed.  What is ironic is you will find this in most no matter what their proclamation is.  We all know about the ones who are seeking to be "sex slaves".  Their fear is obvious: they limit their area of their submission because they fear giving up control entirely.  What is not so obvious are the ones who appear to be what I term "true slaves".  They are individuals who have the understanding of what being a slave means and how she is to live her life.  Nevertheless, overwhelming fear is present within her, often to a greater degree than the sex slaves.

I wrote on here a number of times, based upon my own slamming of my head against the wall, that one should not chase a "runner".  While there seems something romantic and noble about pursuing a "damsel in distress", the truth is that is usually is a total waste of time.  As an example, I once knew one who was in her mid 50s.  This woman had numerous divorces along with long term broken relationships.  Most of these were in vanilla although her BDSM life was taking on the same pattern.  I dealt with her for a while and she ran.  Over the next few months contact was haphazard until about 9 months later our interaction became more frequent.  Without going into all the details, it is safe to say she reached a point where she ran again.

Why do I bring this all up?  My point is to illustrate that this individual simply did what her conditioning was.  When the going got tough, she exited stage left.  This is commonplace.  Fish swim, birds fly, runners run.  It is extremely difficult to change the nature of many individuals.  In fact, look at the track record most people have.  They say they want to change but few do.  Instead, they follow the same beliefs and patterns for decades (if not their entire lives).  Change simply is too difficult to embrace.  Therefore, the status quo is the norm.

Getting back to the runner, the basic motivator is fear.  Anyone who continually runs is afraid to stand in and deal with the situation at hand.  Now, before going any further, I will state that there are times when a relationship or situation is long "toast".  It is burnt to the ground.  Obviously, if you did everything you could in a particular situation and nothing changed, well exiting is often a smart move.  Nevertheless, I find that most run at the first sign of difficulty and never even attempt to "exhaust every avenue possible".  Personally, I believe it stems from the inability to commit to something larger than oneself.  I do not know how many times I read profiles of slaves ready to leave the lifestyle simply because their relationship went bad.  Seriously, if one is truly committed to this way of life, leaving is never even an option.  Sure one might step back and take a breather yet leaving for good, not possible.  Of course, for one who is not truly committed, it is easy to move on to another way of life.

A simple truth is that there are times in life that things are not comfortable.  At the same time, we simply do not know how things are going to turn out.  On a day-to-day basis, certainty is desired but is rarely found.  In short, our crystal balls are broken.  We believe we know what is going to happen yet this is a false belief.  Each day is completely new and nothing is for certain.  Naturally, this lack of certainty instills fear since the unknown is scary.  However, the most successful people are those who can take action in spite of not knowing the outcome.  Embracing uncertainty is a talent worthy of developing for all individuals.

So what is it that a slave fears most?  This is a loaded question since it will vary from individual-to-individual.  I will start by stating most slaves have huge self esteem problems.  Their self worth is in the toilet (and dealing with the degrading moronic dominants does not help).  At the same time, their lives are usually wrought with pain and suffering.  However, it is important to remember that none of us go through life without experiencing emotional setbacks.  Therefore, a bit of perspective is necessary to realize that one is not so unique.  Molestation and rape are commonplace within the world today.  The same is true for breakups.  Few of us are able to find the "one" right off the bat and spend the rest of our lives in bliss.  In fact, nobody finds BDSM without a great deal of pain.  It is this pain which causes us to start the search in the first place.  In other words, if the vanilla world was working, none of us would be here.

Achieving depth requires overcoming one's fears.  Those who desire something of this magnitude are going to have to let go and commit themselves no matter how scary the proposition.  Again, few are able to do this.  Instead, they proceed down the path until it gets too difficult.  Invariably something will arise which is unresolved from the past which requires attention.  At this point, the desire to suppress that and hide it is great.  In fact, I would say this is the usual technique used.  A slave will stuff away what is bothering opting to go to a place within her where she does not have to deal with it.  Of course, this deals with nothing except for placing something within her that eats away like a cancer.  It is no wonder so many are emotionally unstable when you consider they stuffed their problems for decades.  Again, this is easier route than standing in a dealing with what is at hand.

For a BDSM relationship to be successful, both parties must be willing to let go and give themselves to each other.  This means they give all of themselves.  The problem with this for many is that past experiences arise leading one to believe he or she will be hurt.  While this is always possible, the truth is one does not know for certain it will happen.  Remember who I wrote earlier, the crystal ball is broken.  One can no more say something will work out than he or she can say it will not.  Certainty is not a part of our ever changing world so do not expect it nor buy into it.  It is a myth.  Simply take the measures to protect yourself and move forward.

Have you ever wondered why there are so many slaves out there who are alone?  What is the reason for it?  Part of it is the basic fact that there are not a ton of true Masters out there.  The pretenders are a dime a dozen but those who are adept at taking someone at a deep level is a rarity.  However, that is not the total picture.  The main reason that so many slaves are alone is that is their destiny.  Fear isolates and they are all consumed by it.  They simply will not let it go and take the necessary steps to achieve something magical with another person.  Instead, they progress for a while until things get uncomfortable within and then it is time to sabotage it.  Hence, another broken relationship is the result.  We see this situation play out on a daily basis.  The BDSM dating sites is littered with profiles of slaves telling the same story.  They want depth yet are afraid to go their themselves.  Giving up the fear and making oneself vulnerable it simply too difficult.  Instead, they proceed like always and, when things do not work out, totally ignore the core problem.  I guess this is simply human nature manifesting itself in the BDSM world.  Either way, it is real trend that I have seen repeated for years.

So what is a Master to do?  Being aware of this enemy is the first step.  In short, realize that almost every slave you are talking to is scared sh**less.  She has fears on many different levels and you will have to tend to them all.  A slave needs a safe place and it is up to the Master to provide that to one(s) in his care.  She needs a place where she can open up and unload her fears.  Therefore, a Master needs to be adept at not only creating this forum but also being able to handle the fears once they are dumped upon him.  Taking ownership of one means you own ALL of her.  Notice the word all.  This means in totality, entirety, all that is there.  Many simply want to cherry pick the good and easy while leaving the difficult behind.  That is not how it works.  Her fears are, most likely, the largest part of her.  If you want her, you best be willing to take that on.  Nobody said being a Master was easy.

In closing, I will state that I will delve into this topic more in future posts.  The bottom line is a slave is a scared being for many reasons.  Understanding that few take the time to deal with their s**t means that it is still there.  It is your responsibility to create a safe place for a slave to go with ALL her problems, concerns, and insecurities.  Often, simply opening up about them will reveal to her how absurd they truly are.  This is because fear, no matter how real it feels, is an illusion.  It is mythology generated by the mind to maintain the status quo.  Remember, the mind craves certainty, something that is impossible.  Therefore, it will do whatever it can to maintain what it knows which is the status quo.  It is imperative that you realize this is going on within a slave at all times.  Unless you become adept that breaking through the fear and getting her to let go, your relationship will be hindered at every turn.

As always, be careful out there.

DN 

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September 16, 2014

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The Importance of Standards


I am going to be blunt here.  Most of the people you encounter online (and even in person), basically are not worth your time.  This is a simple conclusion I drew from years of experience interacting with the pretenders, wannabes, and, even, those who seemed genuine but were not.

One of the thing that I noticed is the most respected people in the lifestyle have high standards.  What is interesting is this applies both for themselves and others.  I bring this up simply to point out that the tendency within the lifestyle is to settle.  I see so many who are willing to submit to a tree and then are upset when things do not work out.  Let me share with you candidly that making a decision based upon desperation will not work.

It is crucial that you establish standards of conduct for yourself and any potential one(s) that you are interacting with.  Too many people believe that acting contrary to this is acceptable.  In my book it is not.  If one is not worthy of proper conduct, he or she is not worth the time and effort.  And be mindful, people like this often come with a nice smile and clean clothing.  Yet, ultimately, you find out later they are scumbags because of their behavior.

I read a profile one time that said "if he is quick to leave, he never was going to stay anyway".  This really struck me deep and made me ponder it for a while.  How many in our society, in general, are ready to jump out of something without much thought.  Even marriage, which is the atypical symbol of a lifelong commitment, is left without regard.  Few people consider the commitment level when making it, hence have no problem exiting as soon as things get a bit difficult.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior no matter what side of the domination/submission coin one falls upon.  If someone lacks the "morals" that you seek, rid yourself of that person.  I see many who do not accept rude and degrading emails from "doms" and will not tolerate that behavior.  To those who operate like this, I applaud you.  There is no reason for you to accept anything but what is your highest standard from anyone.

However, this all comes with a caveat.  If you are going to establish high standards for others you interact with, then you best do it for yourself.  This is not a "do as I say" deal.  Here is a point that really needs to be driven home to the dominants.  Too often I see a profile that states "I want a slave who is fit and who cares for her body" yet he is 325 pounds.  Give me a break.  If you believe physical fitness is important, get off the couch and do something yourself.  At the same time, if timeliness is something you expect from others, then showing up late yourself is unacceptable.  My point is whatever you set down for others needs to apply to yourself.

Tony Robbins makes a statement that I like.  He says "if you want to improve your life, increase your standards".  This is very true.  There is something about the correlation between expectations and what we ultimately see manifested in our lives.  Therefore, when delving into the wonderful world of BDSM, be sure to establish a level that is up to what you desire.  Do not tolerate that which you find unacceptable.  Be willing to move on, no matter how hard it might be in the moment, from those who continually fall on the wrong side of this equation.  If someone is continually letting you down and acting in ways that cause you pain, then you need to do something about it.  Ultimately, people, even slaves, are very slow to alter their behavior.  Those with good constitution tend to exhibit that in their actions.  Sadly, the opposite is also true. 

We know that nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  Therefore, be careful not to box yourself in by looking for the "perfect" master or slave.  I am here to tell you that person does not exist.  However, that being said, it is crucial that we do not go to the other end of the spectrum and simply accept anyone who comes along.  There is a fine line that we must navigate yet it is important to get this correct.  Over the years, I can tell you that I met some really "wonderful" people who ended up doing some not so wonderful things.  I know I am not alone in this boat.  It happens everyday and, sadly, there are always signs there.  When someone repeatedly does something, it is safe to conclude this person will continue it.  If it is unacceptable to you and continues even after mentioning it, then move on unless you are ready to endure a great deal of pain.  Quite simply, many cannot stop their substandard behavior no matter how many times they are told about it.

In closing, understand that you are worth more.  There is no reason to tolerate actions from others that you deem unacceptable.  Raise your standards and only interact with those who meet them.  Failure to do this will leave you unfulfilled long term.  I cannot tell you how many I witnessed over the years repeat the same behavior over and over.  They simply allowed desperation to over take them.  Do not fall victim to this.  There was a line in a movie I watched years ago which said "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones".  Consider this idea and see how it applies to your life.  Are you presently in a situation that does not fulfill you?  Or are you considering getting involved with someone yet see some signs there?  If you answer yes to either of these questions, perhaps it is best to take a deeper look within yourself to see what is there.  The signs might be very telling if you are willing to listen.

DN  

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September 13, 2014

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M/s Breakup


We all know that most time, breaking up is hard to do.  While cliche, we all know the pain that goes along with having a relationship, especially long term, come to an end.  This is true whether one is BDSM or vanilla.

Of late, I am interacting with/consoling a slave friend of mine who recently experienced a break up of this nature.  Without going into the particulars, she lost her Master of 7 years (whom she was also married to).  Now, let me start by saying that I do not use the term "slave" with this woman loosely.  She is a true one who knows her place within the lifestyle and fully knows what it means to be "owned".  And it is for this reason that I write this post.

When one lives truly as a slave, she gives her entire being over to her owner.  This is a place few of us can truly understand since most of us are NOT slaves.  Submissiveness is a characteristic that is at the core of many but few can embrace the degree of surrender required to live as a slave.  Turning yourself completely over to another requires the ability to separate from self (the illusion that we created in our minds usually containing our fallacious self importance) and fully embracing what is at ones core.  To live for the pleasure and benefit of another while seeking the personal fulfillment that comes with being involved in a deep M/s relationship is indescribable.  Again, this is something that few of us are able to attain.

That being said, when one is a slave, her entire essence is tied up in the relationship.  Of course you can say that the same should be true for the Master and I would agree.  However, the difference is that a slave comes to fully depend upon her Master, especially when the relationship lasts for more than a year.  Over time, the closeness and depth is addicting (for lack of a better word).  Many "experts" will see this as a sign of weakness yet in our lifestyle it is one of strength.  Those who are able to fully give of themselves are the ones who enjoy the greatest benefits of a M/s relationship (this equally applies to the dominant ones too).

The other problem that a slave has is she continually looks to her Master for the guidance required.  In short, all her actions and decisions are not only wrapped around him but, also, are sanctioned by him.  Again, over time, a slave comes to depend upon this direction in her life (hopefully it is good direction and he is not a moron).  This dependence is what makes a M/s relationship deeper than most in the vanilla world because of the trust level by the slave and responsibility taken on by the Master.  Yet, when that guidance is removed, it is also the one thing that makes the break up of a M/s relationship that much more difficult to deal with.

It is not uncommon for one (a slave) to be completely lost when losing her Master.  This is especially true if she did not request release, rather, was given it by him unsolicited.  It is important to remember that her entire day, to some degree, revolved around him.  In many instances, depending upon the structure of the relationship, he might have chose what she wore each day.  Now, with him gone, where does one even begin to start?

There are thousands of articles online about how to get past a break up so I will not repeat that information here in great detail.  What I will say is that, for a slave who just lost her BDSM relationship, it is crucial to start taking some responsibility immediately.  Even while going through the "mourning" process, she needs to assert herself in her own life.  Let us not forget, there is a good chance most meaningful decisions were made for her.  Therefore, she needs to start exercising this muscle immediately.  Today, start making a basic decision.  If you were one who was not allowed to determine what you wore, make that choice now.  Also, plan out your meals for the day.  Start to use the decision-making muscle so that it gets stronger from this point forward.

Another thing that is crucial is realize that the end is not here.  It is easy to associate the break up with the lifestyle.  However, this is not the case.  Sure, when the time is right, the path to finding someone else will not be easy as we all know.  Nobody really likes to think about the prospects of jumping back onto the BDSM dating sites with the intention of finding a new partner.  We all know what is out there and it is akin to jumping into a pool of sharks.  Nevertheless, we do it because we really have no choice.  Where are we going to go?  Match.com?  Seriously, if vanilla worked, we would not be here to start with.  Nevertheless, remember that it is part of the deal and it has no bearing on you as a slave.  Relationships fail for many reasons and there is a great chance it is not all your fault (even if he tells you it is).  The bottom line is there is someone else out there for you.

Which brings up another point.  I wrote "when the time is right".  DO NOT hop back on your favorite BDSM dating site immediately and start interacting with the ones on there after just exiting a deep, emotional relationship.  You are not ready and the pretenders will only attack your already damage psyche.  They are ruthless and uncaring.  You need to take the time for yourself.  Healing is in order along with dealing with the regular actions which are required after a break up (divorce, clearing out his stuff, re-establishing relationships with friends/family, dealing with financial issues, etc...).  There is a fairly long road ahead of you and the distraction of finding another is something you do not need.  Ultimately, you do not want to find another as much as cover up the pain of being hurt.  Often, the ego is damaged and our self worth crushed.  It is at this time that we want to be in the arms/bed/bondage of another.  The problem with this is that we are just trying to feel some worth to ourselves.  This is not healthy since that can never come from an outside source.  Hence, do not do it.  Take the time for you.

Putting your life back together is possible.  It will take some time and a lot of internal struggle.  My view is the entry into BDSM begins with an internal search and that never stops.  You need to go within at this time and rediscover yourself.  There is a lot there.  Keep in mind, relationships all tend to run their course.  We have very few people who remain with us throughout our entire lives.  It is best to embrace the temporariness of everything.  Everyone, including yourself, is non-permanent.  In 150 years, none of us will be here.  The ending of a relationship, while sad when of this degree, is just another in a long line of broken ones.  We know this well.  Therefore, try to learn the lessons which are there and carry them with you forward.  Nothing you are experiencing is uncommon.  It will take some time, but there will come a day when the pain is gone.  The problem is most of us put that day off by opting to hold onto the pain for a lot longer than we should.  Nevertheless, you will bounce back from this if you allow yourself to.  It is not the end, simply another act in the play that is your life.  That individual who owned you was there for Act 3, but not the 4th one.  You are simply onto another part of the script now.  Try to keep this in mind when you find yourself in the doldrums.  The play is still going on as it should, so try to go with it.  There is a happy ending written in there for you.

DN

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August 23, 2014

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Fantasy versus Reality


It is time to issue a wake up call to most of the BDSM world, especially the online crowd.  To start, I must say, clue in.  Welcome to life.  Entering the BDSM realm does not mean you leave nor exempt yourself from it.  We live in the real world with all its pleasures and perils.  Sadly, many seem to miss this point.

Dream Much?

BDSM novels tend to "romanticize" this way of life.  We all know what a bunch of garbage 50 Shades is in terms of the realism of it.  Now, it is pleasant reading and enjoyable much in the same way romance novels are.  However, would anyone really believe that a romance novel is a text of how to run your marriage?  Of course not.  Yet many people seem to believe that the BDSM world is reflected in books such as 50 Shades.

To start, the problem with 50 Shades is that how many dominants online are billionaires?  The idea that one is going to be taken and trek around the world is fairly unrealistic.  Now there might be some dominants/masters who are in a financial category which allows this but I would say you are best embracing the idea that you might not be able to find him.

Which brings up another belief so many have.  The idea that you are going to be home all day long, naked, and on your knees waiting for him to come through the door is another fantasy.  Welcome to life in the modern era.  Just looking around society, it is evident that most households require dual incomes.  No longer is it feasible, in most instances, to get by on one income.  Expenses are continually rising yet salaries are not.  This means that your ass is going to be clothed and sent off to work.  This is where the vast percentage of people are going to fall into.

Another thing that will burst people's bubble is that people involved in BDSM have problems.  People in all walks of life suffer from this.  Even those in the upper elite have their share of issues.  Look at Robin Williams.  He is a stark reminder that fame and fortune do not come without problems.  In fact, because of the money he earned, his problems had a higher price tag on them.  He paid out more in child support than most of us will make in our lifetimes.  Either way, his life ended tragically because he wasn't able to cope with what was occurring around him.  Therefore, do not expect your entry into BDSM to absolve you of your life problems even if you are a slave who is being taken care of.  There will be issues which arise.  Financial, family, and medical are just three areas that none of us can get out of.  Accept this as reality.

Finally, get over the sexfest mentality.  There is a lot more to BDSM than whips and chains.  Again, sex is great.  However, do people base a marriage exclusively upon this?  Is a marriage a 24/7 fuckfest where the house is torn apart from the passion?  Maybe that occurs for the first few weeks or months, but after that a routine is settled into.  The same with BDSM.  Life is not a continual play party.  In fact, if your BDSM existence is completely play parties, then you really are not in this lifestyle, you are just playing games.  So have fun but keep your place in perspective.  Those who are in serious BDSM relationships or seeking them, realize this is a lot more than just play.

These are the fantasies many seem to hold true.  Now let us look at the reality.

Wake Up Call

Welcome to the vanilla world with a twist.  If you want to know what reality looks like in the BDSM world, simply look around you now.  That is the reality of it.  Nothing is different other than the fact that in BDSM we structure our relationships in a different manner.  We have an unequal power exchange compared to one that is based upon parity.  That is the single biggest difference between the two.  Almost everything else is the same.  Sure, instead of playing cards on Saturday night we might engage in bondage and impact play.  However, the basic essence of life remains.  As mentioned, all the problems that go along with being alive are present for us also.

A BDSM relationship takes work.  Yes, I realize that it is unequal in terms of power.  However, that does not mean that automatic success is guaranteed.  Each party is responsible for certain things within the relationship.  It is a two-way street.  There are going to be times when conflict arises (yes this is true in a M/s situation also).  We do not escape the human element of ourselves by entering this way of life.  Therefore, everything that happens within the "vanilla" world will also take place here.  If married, there is a chance you will dislike your inlaws even if you do own their daughter.  Kids are going to create mischief because that is their nature.  Both masters and slaves will come home, at times, from work stressed out.  Whatever others deal with, expect to face the same situations yourself.

Alas, not all is bad.  One thing I can tell you is the potential within a BDSM relationship is much greater than that in the vanilla world.  Because of the necessity of trust, BDSM enables us to go to much deeper levels.  The responsibility that one accepts when he decides to own someone cannot be compared to anything in the traditional realm.  At the same time, having the ability to surrender your life over in that manner is also incomprehensible to most.  Nevertheless, this is a regular part of our existence within this way of life.  While it does come with challenges and burdens, the payoff, is much greater.  Two people can experience closeness that I, surmise, the vanilla world only dreams about.  When you own someone and are responsible for her life, that takes on a very special meaning.  It is not something to take lightly.  Yet the rewards can be incredible.  The same is true for the one who is owned (from what is related to me).  Depth and growth are truly at the core of our interactions because it requires us to delve into our cores to begin with.  Finding out such deep things about ourselves enables us to share that with another.  This is something, in my experience, the traditional world does not promote.  Instead, it readily accepts the dogma society espouses.  Simply in finding this way of life, we had to at least question, if not reject, those views.  This began the quest that led us here.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live your life and structure your interactions.  However, please keep fantasy and reality separate.  If you believe BDSM is going to be the answer to all your problems, then you are sadly mistaken.

DN 

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August 21, 2014

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Full Time Commitment


This is going to be a short, post of a topic that came to my mind early this morning.

I often write how the first commitment that one needs to make is to the lifestyle.  Too many want to immediately get into a BDSM relationship before truly learning what this is all about.  At the same time, they use their first relationship to determine whether BDSM is for them or not.  As much as this might seem logical, what would the world look like if everyone decided their heterosexuality based upon their first vanilla relationship?  I hypothesize that most would turn away from it since we all know that few of us ever remain with our "first love".

Being committed to this way of life means that you are willing to persist no matter what comes up.  Obviously, we see this is crucial when dealing with all the pretenders online.  Yes they can wear on a person.  However, it is only through persisting that one can truly realize what he or she is seeking which is a BDSM relationship.  Giving up is not the pathway to that end.

At the same time, this idea enters into the picture when one is involved with another person.  The simple truth is that life, no matter what the lifestyle choice, can be difficult.  There are times when we are all tired.  We also encounter periods of high stress.  Financial burdens can really weigh a person down and he or she is apt to take that out on another.  Finally, we enter states where we are over emotional.  This is a basic fact of our human existence and becoming a slave or master does not alter this reality.

However, what it does mean is that we also are not absolved of our responsibilities.  Pertaining to BDSM, when we enter into a relationship, there are a number of things that each person is responsible for.  A slave has specific duties which are expected to be fulfilled regardless of what her "state" is.  Certainly, there is room for leeway if one is ill but the basic message is that she needs to fulfill her responsibilities regardless of how she "feels".  The same holds true for the master.  His responsibility is equally, but no more, important to the success of the relationship.  His slave is depending upon him to fulfill certain roles that she cannot herself.  Her dependence upon him means that he doesnt get to shy away from his responsibilities either.  We all understand he is tired yet being involved in a BDSM relationship is a full time commitment.

Please do not misunderstand me.  There needs to be flexibility in a relationship, even one of this nature.  The simple premise is that one is not always going to be feeling well and this applies equally to masters and slaves.  Sometimes, backing off is the best thing one can do for another.  Often, unless one is communicating, we do not know what is going through his or her mind.  Perhaps there is something more serious than we know.  Yes, a BDSM relationship offers the platform for open communication but we are still human.  There are times when a master or slave will not reveal something.  At times there might be a good reason for it, others maybe not.  Either way, there are often underlying conditions which make someone shut down.  Times such as this means that one is not likely to be willing to give his or her all to the relationship.  As long as it is a temporary situation, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a little room to work through stuff.  Again, the key word is temporary.  If this becomes prolonged, then there is an issue.

That being said, there is also the expectation that one will perform his or her responsibilities even when not feeling up to it.  Outside the situations I just mentioned, waiting until one feels submissive, as an example, before acting in that manner is not appropriate.  Hey life is tough and we all need to do things that we do not want to do.  However, it takes on a bigger role in BDSM because each party, especially the slave, is dependent upon the other.  If a master is not stepping up to the plate because he is "tired", then the slave is rather lost.  Sure she can handle her day-to-day duties but her overall growth is stunted.  The same is true of a slave is not willing to adhere to her role.  Acting sassy or bitchy just because one is in a "mood" does not bode very well.  Being tired, upset, or emotional are perfectly acceptable and expected.  However, taking it out on someone else is not, especially when that person is the one you are involved with.

One final thought on this.  Emotional control is one of the biggest parts of a successful BDSM relationship and one of the major growth areas that all need to strive for.  It is easy to lash out when we are feeling anger or down.  Nevertheless, this is inappropriate behavior on every level.  Mastery means being able to control oneself, emotionally.  Yet, this idea does not only apply to masters.  Slaves need to strive for this end also.  Too many people do hurtful things to those they care about simply because they are "out of control".  People become puppets to their emotions/feelings.  A spiritual concept is that "feelings are not facts".  It is something we choose often based upon conditioning.  The simple test of this is to look at two people in the same work environment who are side-by-sde.  One person is stressed out while the other enjoying him/herself even though the work load is the same.  Why is that?  The answer is because one person chooses to feel stress while another opts for something else.  Therefore, each of us needs to learn to control ourselves emotionally to prevent undue pain caused upon others.  Yes this is a difficult task but growing up is never easy.

Maturity is doing what we need to do even when we do not want to do it.  Anyone with children knows how they are the exact opposite.  A child will not do his/her homework until forced.  Instead, playing takes a higher priority.  BDSM is the same way.  There are times when you have to put your anger, upset, tiredness, overwhelm, and stress aside and do what is required of you.  If you want to enjoy the benefits of being in a BDSM relationship and having someone fulfill their responsibilities to you, then you must be willing to do the same, no matter what your "state" at the present moment.  A BDSM relationship, like any other, is a full-time commitment.  We do not have the luxury of only doing those things when we want to. 

DN 

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August 20, 2014

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Fulfillment and Happiness


I am going to delve into something that seems completely off the wall to many people, at least according to the actions I see online.  Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me the mindset that so many people have when entering this lifestyle.  For whatever reason, they feel like they entered a completely different dimension while leaving all logic and sensibility behind.  I don't know, perhaps it is just the online world but it is rather disturbing.  Nevertheless, maybe a bit of what I set down here today will help clarify some things.

What Are Relationships For?

This is an important question to consider.  Why does one get into a relationship with another?  In the BDSM world, why does a submissive seek out a dominant and what is she looking for?  Knowing the answer to this is crucial to the success of the relationship.  Now I will admit that each individual is unique in terms of her specifics.  However, we can draw some wide generalizations to encompass the overall idea.  Ironically, the reasoning is going to mirror everyone else in the world.

So why does anyone enter into a relationship?  The answer is simple: they seek to be happy and fulfilled.  I believe this is true for all types whether heterosexual, homosexual, or BDSM.  The only difference is what an individual is seeking yet the reasoning is the same.

What is interesting is that many of the so called dominants online do not consider this when approaching a submissive/slave.  Instead, they operate from the perspective that only their needs and desires matter.  This is completely false.  A sub/slave is not going to remain in a relationship, if she is a healthy individual, if she is unhappy and unfulfilled.  Sadly, many of the moronic individuals we see in such huge numbers online feel that fulfillment comes from sucking them off and serving them dinner.  While these acts can be satisfying to a sub/slave, if that is all there is, she will end up empty inside.  In short, the relationship will not fill a need for her.

Therefore, we must consider some of the basic areas which she needs attention:

-Sexual
-Domestic
-Intellectual
-Emotional
-Intimacy
-Grow
-Challenge
-Companionship
-Comfort/Safety

These are just a few of the areas that most subs/slaves require a dominant one to fulfill.  And finding one who is able to address all those areas is one of the challenges for the sub/slave when she is seeking.  Based upon my encounters online, it seems few are able to even consider what is most important outside of his own needs.

A Two-Way Street

A relationship is a two-way street.  Many of you saw me write this on numerous occasions.  Again, we see this idea is shunned by the dumbmasses since it is evident that the overwhelming belief is that only one person matters.  This is another viewpoint which is responsible for much of the failure within the BDSM community.

This is an idea that I am going to start harping upon more from now one.  One of the most flawed outlooks is that a dominant is better than a submissive.  This is incorrect.  One does not have more worth in the relationship nor more responsibility to the success of it.  Instead, each are equal in that regard.  A dominant and submissive are just different, not better or worse.  Therefore, when approaching a relationship, they have different needs looking to be fulfilled.  What is interesting is that both parties have the responsibility of fulfilling the other.  This is a point missed by so many.  Let me write that again: both parties have equal responsibility of fulfilling the other.  I believe you will find this is a much different approach than what is commonly expressed on the BDSM dating sites.

Now I am going to set out something that is never discussed in the BDSM world yet is so vital.  Whenever a sub/slave is interacting with a dominant with the idea of having something longer term, that individual needs to be asking "what is he going to do for me".  Again, this seems counter intuitive to the prevailing mindset yet it is vital.  A dominant has a responsibility to serve a submissive.  Yes you read that correctly.  When entering into the relationship, he is agreeing to serve her.  Now, bear in mind the form of service is different than what the submissive provides.  However, to ignore the fact that he needs to bring something to the table is misguided.

The abovementioned list is a good starting point.  How is this individual going to meet my needs in these particular areas?  Certainly, the sexual arena is discussed along with the play.  However, what talents and consideration is he going to give to her fulfillment and happiness?  Does he believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street and it is all "do as I say" garbage.  For this reason, a sub/slave needs to take a look at the potential dominant's entire life.  Where does he excel and where does he fail?  Dominants are human beings and perfection is not part of the curriculum.  Nevertheless, a dominant needs to have the interest in having a sub/slave who is fulfilled and the realization that it is his responsibility to help bring that about.  If this is not present, I surmise that the relationship is doomed from the start.

My regular readers know I refer often to a BDSM relationship being about depth.  The idea of this is that fulfillment only comes from having our deeper needs met (true fulfillment that is).  Too many focus upon the sex and play believing that is what a BDSM relationship is all about.  My experience is that is incorrect.  A BDSM relationship is about the growth of each party and the relationship as a whole.  Sometimes one outgrows the other meaning the relationship is destined to fail.  This is acceptable if both are growing albeit one at a much faster pace.  Sadly, the more common situation is where one puts effort into growing while the other does nothing (the dominant most likely).  Ultimately, the sub/slave requires more than this person is even interested in giving.

Remember this idea when interacting with others in the "lifestyle".  We always need to remember that all involved are people.  Just because one has a different core need, that does not make you better or worse than someone else.  And when moving towards a BDSM relationship, there are things which each person is responsible for it both are to attain fulfillment.  AND that is the goal of each when entering a BDSM relationship. 

DN

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August 15, 2014

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Self Improvement


I once had someone tell me that my blog was BDSM mixed with Dale Carnegie.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, he was one of the pioneers in the self help industry.  His most famous book, How To Win Friends and Influence People, is one of the most quoted interpersonal works in this industry.  When this individual told me this, I took it as a compliment.  There are plenty of resources out there which talk about how to tie someone up or what it means to serve.  However, few tend to stray into those matters which we deal with on a daily basis.  I try to do this in my posts.

BDSM Is About Life

I see many use the term "lifestyle" when it comes to BDSM.  In fact, this is a term I often use because it is something we all understand.  Nevertheless, it is a bit misleading in the sense that BDSM is not a lifestyle but, rather, life.  Each of us is living our lives how we see fit.  Entering this realm did not suddenly remove us from the everyday interactions that we had previous.  Most of us still get up and go to work.  Others have family to deal with, both the positive and negative.  Financial issues affect us the same as everyone else.  We encounter loss while enjoying success.  Everything the average person encounters is the same as us.

Of course, we know BDSM is a bit different road than the traditional world.  To start, we structure our relationship in a different manner.  The vanilla world operates mostly upon the myth of equality.  Actually, that is a bit of a misleading statement because it really does not operate on this, just promotes it.  The world is truly run by those with power and, quite frankly, they do not share.  We see the power brokers everywhere from politics to the media to Wall Street.  We only need to look at the energy the 99% movement generated a few years ago to realize that most are on the outside looking in.  If equality was truly the model, those demonstrations would never occur.

Within the context of BDSM, we openly embrace the fact that equality does not exist.  Our relationships are structured based upon an exchange of power where one is in control with the other being controlled.  It takes both parties to complete a BDSM relationship utilizing all the interpersonal skills that are paramount to relationship success in all walks of life.  This is not exclusive or non-inclusive to BDSM.  In that regard, we are the same as everyone else.

At the same time, we can achieve depths that few can reach.  Because of the openness and trust factor of the BDSM relationship, this type of interaction tends to far surpass that of the traditional model.  When I discuss the core of an individual, that is the place that we all seek to connect at.  My experience and observation is that this level is not achieved in most vanilla relationships.  Ultimately, it takes great strength to give one's life over to another while those person taking her on accepts tremendous responsibility.  This is something that is non-existent in an equal parity structure.

That being said, the simple fact is that life is still life.  We deal with all the same issues as everyone else.  Entering BDSM does not exempt us from any of the trials and tribulations that others experience.  To believe so is engaging upon fantasy.  BDSM is life...that is all.

CANI

This is an idea that Tony Robbins touts quite regularly.  CANI stands for constant and never ending improvement.  I can not think of something more applicable to the BDSM world than this idea especially after reading thousands of submissive profiles over the years.  One of the common complaints is that dominants do not learn.  In talking with many over the years, I learned that many BDSM relationships end simply because the sub/slave outgrows the dom/master.  It is sad to think how one gets involved with someone but, because of his refusal to grow, the relationship ultimately dies.  Of course, what is truly disheartening is this is often caused by arrogance and laziness.

The truth is there is always something new for us to learn.  Whether one is a sub or dom, this idea applies equally.  Life is a constant, unfolding situation with new events continually arising.  Over time, our life changes and we become different people.  If attention is not paid, it is easy for those in a relationship to "grow apart".  Therefore, it is incumbent upon each individual to embracing both personal growth and the growth of the relationship.

Before going any further, I must state that this concept applies to a great deal more than your "BDSM talents".  When I say growing within the confines of BDSM, most automatically think of the ability to ties one up or getting into electrical play.  While these are wonderful skills to acquire and develop, they are not the major part of the deal.  Instead, we need to look deeper at the type of people we are and where our hangups are.

To start, my observation is that most submissive types are overrun with fear.  It is a major element within them.  As a dominant, it is your responsibility to remove this fear.  The question is are you skilled at this?  Are you able to recognize it when it arises?  Can you see it in her eyes?  Or do you add to it with your immature approach to BDSM by behaving in domineering ways?  At the same time, how are you at the psychological aspects of slavery.  While many ask for this, few can fulfill it since they truly do not understand how the mind works.  At the same time, do you have the ability to control yourself emotionally and the discipline to do what is required?  A dominant is one who is to lead the relationship.  However, it is hypocritical and destructive for one to tell another to do something he, himself, cannot do.

It is a simple truth that we all have things we can work on.  None of us are perfect nor all knowing.  There is always something else to uncover and explore.  Usually, we are given signs each day of what required attention simply by observing how we react.  If one is continually exploding and entering into a state of rage, this is a signal perhaps some underlying anger needs addressing.  Or if one finds herself repeatedly crying throughout the day, then it might mean that something is amiss.  Either way, everyone has something to concentrate upon.

Yes, it is wonderful to be involved in the world of whips and chains.  Nevertheless, it is vital to remember that even the most skilled dominant in terms of BDSM play can be a total prick to live with.  In fact, judging from the egos I witness, I feel this is a factual statement.  Long term BDSM success means that we are able to interact with a variety of people on many different levels.  Over time, we encounter people from many different backgrounds and experiences.  Some come to us with things such as depression or self worth issues.  Others were abused.  Most tend to stuff things meaning there are plenty of issues to work through.  Fear, insecurity, and negative projections are frequent escorts along the life journey and necessitate constant attention.  Trust, or lack of, is a major factor for most meaning that dominant needs to be consistent in his actions and responses; failure to acquire this ability will only magnify the distrust.

BDSM is a journey within.  Too many focus upon the BDSM relationship, especially when new.  They get so wrapped up with the idea of getting with someone that they miss the most crucial aspects which is their own development.  It is paramount that before one is able to fully give to another, he or she must develop something within oneself.  BDSM, while similar to the traditional world in many ways, is also a different cup of tea.  Therefore, consistent internal exploration is necessary if one is to grow and prosper in this way of life.  Ultimately, to me, BDSM is about becoming the best people we can be and this is achieved by always improving ourselves and, in turn, our relationships.

DN 

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August 13, 2014

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Robin Williams' Death: An Eye Opener


The past few days witnessed an outpouring of the recently departed Robin Williams.  Sadly, it took his passing to bring some of the issues that exist within society to light.  As most of you are aware, Williams suffered both from substance abuse and depression (i.e. mental illness).  Unfortunately, most of our culture is unaware of how tragic these things can be.  Hopefully, Williams' passing will open up some eyes.

The Outside Might Not Reflect The Inside

There are a couple lessons from Robin Williams' tragic death that we can take with us.  To start, it is crucial to realize that we never know what someone is suffering from.  Unless someone comes out and tells us that he or she suffers from depression, as an example, there really is no way of telling from the outside.  Therefore, always remember that you do not know what is going through the head of the one you are with no matter how much you believe that you do.

From the outside, Williams had it all.  His ability translated into making millions of people laugh over the course of decades.  He was one of Hollywood's top comedic actors raking in a fortune for his work.  Fame, fortune, and a loving wife were all his.  Yet, none of this translated within him.  Instead, he resided in what was a very dark place based upon the route he took.  In short, ending his life seemed, to him, as the only means of dealing with what was taking place within him.  The pain of death was surpassed by the pain of living. 

Keep this in mind when you are dealing with someone who is close to you.  I have not read the percentages of the number of people who suffer from a mental illness but I can assure you it is more than we conclude.  Therefore, it is highly likely that someone you are involved with or potentially could be involved with suffers from this problem.  Because of the stigma associated with this, few are willing to talk about it even with their closest partner.  Society views afflictions of this nature as moral/strength issues as opposed to something as real as a broken leg.  This translates into individuals hiding what is going on with them usually to the point where it is too late.

Keep Things In Perspective

It is easy to get caught up in all that is going on with our lives.  People, by their nature, tend to want to project negatively while focusing upon all that is wrong with their lives.  It is amazing how someone can have 100 things going absolutely ideal and concentrate all the attention on the one unresolved issue.  This puts them in a place of misery and anguish while not being able to enjoy things.

In the BDSM world, we talk about all the fakes, liars, scammers, and how hard it is to find someone real.  At the same time, for those in relationships, there are also a host of issues to deal with.  Contrary to what many new people seem to believe, being involved in BDSM does NOT except you from life.  All the stuff vanilla people deal with is present in our lives.  Finances, career, family, and illness are all part of the deal.  None of us get to run from this.

Robin Williams takes his own life should help each of us keep things in perspective.  Now, do not misunderstand me; I am not downplaying the situations in your life.  Things occur for each of us which can be pretty tragic.  However, try to imagine what was going on between Williams' ears when he made that fateful decision earlier this week.  When you consider this, it makes dealing with another pretender seem mundane and not really worthy of mentioning.

The bottom line is that our fulfillment and happiness are vitally important.  So many believe that a BDSM relationship is one-sided with a sub/slave giving all and the dom/master garnering all the pleasure.  If this is your belief, I suggest you change it.  People, even the lowliest of slaves, are entitled to be happy and fulfilled.  And, as I stated on here many times, sucking your cock and taking off your boots is a rather non-fulfilling existence.  If you find yourself in a situation such as this, I will tell you that perhaps you ought to look for something different.  Talk to your partner and if you cannot get through to him or her, then look for another.  It really is that simple.  Robin Williams showed us how precious and temporal life can be.  At any moment, we can reach the end.  Make the most out of each interaction while you have the chance. 

DN 

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August 8, 2014

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What The Hell Do You Want?


This post is a direct result of reading hundreds of profiles online.  After going through this, I am often left with the question, what the hell does she want?  In other words, what is being sought.  The reason I bring this up is simply because few seem to have any clue whatsoever.  Of course, this is not surprising since so many seem to be playing games as opposed to seeking something real and genuine.

To Thine Own Self Be True

This is a line from Shakespeare that still holds true 400 years later.  It is YOUR responsibility to be true to yourself and what it is you desire.  The world offers many things to you yet it is your place to decide exactly what you seek.  Failure to do this leads to confusion and a total lack of clarity.  We see this everyday in the BDSM world.

I often write how one's journey into BDSM starts by going within oneself to uncover what is there.  Few, in their vanilla life, ever took the time to do this.  Sure, most fantasized over the years.  However, as we know, this is only a small piece of a much larger puzzle.  At the same time, romance novels, especially of the BDSM variety, can create some wonderful ideas which most often are unrealistic (stop seeking the billionaire dominant like in 50 Shades...he most likely does not exist).  Getting to know oneself is crucial if you are to have any success in the BDSM world.  The reason for this is simple: BDSM is such a wide-open lifestyle that people basically have unlimited choices.  This is a marked difference from society which often limits our choices which, while enslaving, is also comforting.  Being able to choose whatever one desires means being responsible in those choices.

Therefore, when one looks within him or herself, it is vital that all aspects and desires are sought.  Of course, it is important to bear in mind that a lot will change as the years go by.  Nevertheless, we all need to start somewhere knowing that this is an undertaking which will continue repeatedly over time.  A good question to ask oneself is "what the hell do I want?".  Believe it or not, this is something that few do.  Rarely does a person know what he or she desires.  Without searching, we are left to the programming we received from society.  Sadly, what might hold true in the vanilla world is not always applicable to a BDSM relationship even though we are dealing with a relationship.

Perfect

Another point that closely relates to this is the ones who post how they are "looking for the perfect dominant" or the "right slave".  I have news for you, this person does not exist.  To prove this point, I will point to all you people who were married, especially those multiple times.  Isn't it true that each of your spouses, at one time, was the "right" one.  At the start of the relationship, this is true.  Naturally, by the time the divorce proceedings took place, an entirely different viewpoint is present.  Far eastern philosophies sum this up by simply stating that we do not fall in love with a person but the image we have created of the person.  Over time, as we get to know him or her (read live under the same roof), the image is shattered and replaced with a different reality.  Hence the idealism we once had is smashed.

Understanding this point is important in one's quest.  You can hold out for the perfect or right individual or internalize that this person does not exist so opting for this path means waiting a long time.  Perhaps that is why there are so many out there who truly seek something genuine but do not have it.  Holding out for the perfect person means that you might miss a number of ones who are ideal, albeit flawed, for you.

Now, please understand I am not saying that one should shed his or her standards.  Once you do the internal search to seek something in particular, hold yourself to that.  Too many people allow fear and loneliness to enter into their thinking.  The profiles I respect are the ones who state that they are holding out until they find what they seek.  While there are many who are hung up on the perfection, there are also equally the same number who are simply refusing to lower their standards.  Once again, when loneliness sets in and it seems the entire world is in a relationship, one is apt to try and push things forward.  This usually means succumbing to that internal struggle by getting involved with someone who is not up to par. 

So, while perfection is not something that should be sought, neither should one submit to just any Tom,Dick, or Harry simply because she is lonely.  You can find what you are seeking with enough time and patience.  Sure it is difficult yet it is far easier if you have a clue what it is you want in the first place.

Therefore, in closing, it might be best to take out a piece of paper and answer this question: what the hell do I want from my life in BDSM?  Answer this and you are well on your way to achieving that end.

DN

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August 6, 2014

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Reliable and Dependable


This is a topic that I really have not delved too much into. In fact, it is something that we rarely discuss in the BDSM world.  However, we do touch upon it via other topics which appear more common.  That being said, it is best to uncover some of the basics about how we should all seek to be.

Trust

We refer to the subject of trust quite often.  Many feel this is the basis of the BDSM relationship.  I will go one step further and mention that it is the foundation for all relationships.  Without it, there really is not a relationship.  Who wants to interact with someone they cannot trust?  We all know the feeling of encountering someone who is the sort that leaves you feeling that you need to hold onto your wallet.  A person of this nature is one who seems like he (or she) cares nothing about anyone else.  He is always in it for himself.  Obviously this is not a terrific way to endear trust among one's fellow man.  Of course, it is no surprise that we see so many dominants in the BDSM world operate in the exact same manner.  And people wonder why there is so little trust among people within this lifestyle.

When we refer to trust, what is it that we really mean?  The word is tossed around, usually in the context of not being able to trust, yet few really take the time to consider what is at the core.  When we trust someone, what we ultimately do is depend upon them.  A person worthy of trust showed him or herself to be reliable.  In other words, we can predict with a high degree of certainty what their actions or reactions will be.  They have a consistency in their interaction which is predictable.  This fosters the feeling of trust within another since that person behaves in a consistent manner.  Contrast this with the person who is the proverbial "loose cannon.  An individual of this demeanor is one who has a difficult time generating trust among co-workers or friends.  He is always acting in ways that are unpredictable.  While spontaneous action is a healthy thing, too much of it means that one is truly unreliable.  Sadly, we see way too much of this behavior especially within the BDSM community.

Dependence

Dependence is a topic that causes great confusion.  Throughout life, we are taught that it is unhealthy to be dependent upon another.  People with dependence problems tend to suffer from low self esteem while gravitating towards unhealthy relationships.  The reason for this is because he or she lacks the ability to be alone.  The poor self esteem means that one is "happier" being in a relationship even if it is unhealthy as opposed to being alone.  This same motivation is also what keeps one in a terrible situation as opposed to leaving.  Obviously, from this perspective, dependence is a bad thing.

However, if we go a bit further in our search, we can uncover some things which show us that dependence is not a bad thing at all.  In fact, in all healthy relationships, there is a need for it.  I will insert my usual caveat and mention that we need to separate the unhealthy individuals who suffer from horrific self esteem from the average person who enters the BDSM world.  When one is comfortable with him or herself, dependence is an asset in one's relationship.

Being dependent does not mean one is weak.  This is a common mistake people make.  One can be very strong while also being dependent upon another.  In fact, in a BDSM relationship, it is a natural transition.  The structure of the BDSM relationship means that each individual has certain roles to fulfill.  At the basic level, one dominates while the other submits.  It is through these acts that each person provides something the other needs.  Without submission, there is nobody to dominate and the other way around.  While the exchange of power is total, especially in M/s, each person's input into the relationship is equal.  Both have responsibility to the other.  It is through fulfilling these responsibilities that the parties become to depend upon each other.

So what does this really mean?  Another way of phrasing it is the sub, as an example, comes to be able to count upon her dominant.  The reverse is also true.  Through consistent action, decision-making, and emotional control, each party basically knows what the other is going to do.  There is no fear or concern if something will be provided or not.  When the sub needs the safe space it is available to her....all the time.  At the same time, when the dominant is in need of his sub, she is there to fulfill what is required of her.  Each person shows up and handles his/her roles in the relationship.  A dominant making consistent, concise decisions will provide the forum for a submissive to rely upon.  Notice how it is a two-way street.  In a healthy BDSM relationship, both the dominant and submissive come to depend (rely) upon each other.

Starts With Oneself

As with most everything I write about, reliability starts with oneself.  It is unrealistic to expect one to depend upon you if you are, indeed, not dependable.  Therefore, it is important to look at your own life and actions to determine how you fare in this area.  It is a sad truth that few are people who are called "dependable".  Most people operate from a haphazard perspective bouncing around unclear about what is desired or required.  A lack of clarity does not lead to reliable decisions.  Hence, one needs to focus upon what is truly desired or needed before moving forward.

Part of the process of becoming reliable is to garner the discipline within oneself to do what is required.  For those who are into health and weight loss, there is a set of consistent actions which must be taken to reach the desired goal.  Many of these actions are difficult in the face of temptation.  Thus, one needs to exert discipline within oneself to consistently keep taking the proper action.  It is this consistency which allows one to reach his or her goals.

Getting back to trust, the problem most people have with this topic is that they cannot trust themselves.  Most people have a difficult time keeping promises.  However, what makes this even more destructive is that the easiest promises to break are those made with oneself.  Over time, we let ourselves down so much that we know we cannot rely upon ourselves to take the action needed.  This mindset enters into all of our interactions because, if I am not reliable, how can anyone else be?  Ergo, we see how important it is to be able to trust oneself before trusting another.

In closing, consistency is something that we all need to strive for.  Look at your life and ask yourself where can you become more consistent.  Remember, it is through this that one creates the confidence to be able to take the proper action when needed.  It is also the means which those around us do the same.  Ponder the impact of this upon your BDSM relationship if you are in one.  Consistency in your actions and responses will put your partner on much firmer footing with you.  Whether you are dominant or submissive, it is equally important for you to internalize this point.  A BDSM relationship is really no different from any other relationship once we set the power exchange aspect aside.  And ultimately, if you cannot trust or depend upon the person you are interacting with, what is there to that interaction?  Is it not really a waste of time?

DN  

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