Today's post comes from years of experience and encounters with many different slaves. One thing about interaction with others on a large scale is that it affords one the opportunity to see trends along the way. Human beings tend to be the same at least within certain cultural norms. Now, I will admit that my interactions are basically limited to those from the Western cultures. There might be some differences when dealing with those who experienced the Eastern bloc countries or are from the parts of the world which still adhere to tribal traditions. Nevertheless, most people seem to follow similar patterns.
I often write about depth in the BDSM world and how important it is to strive for this within a BDSM relationship. Too many focus upon the "whips and chains" without giving any thought to what is beyond it. So many are led by their sexual hormones that they fail to realize that the videos put out by the porn industry is not what BDSM is all about. Nevertheless, this is the approach the majority of nitwits take.
For those who seek more, based upon the feedback I received, my writings find a home. Many expressed the notion that depth is something they seek. However, one thing I learned is that depth has it's price. Few are able to embrace it and let go to enjoy it. Hangups tend to arise every step of the way. People are conditioned a certain way and straying from that is difficult.
One of the most important duties a Master performs is to take a slave and help her to grow. There are many who believe that BDSM is a one way street yet this is not the case. A Master has plenty of responsibility towards a slave while also having to give a lot. In essence, a Master serves a slave albeit in a different manner than he receives it. Nonetheless, he does perform a service to her or else there is no reason for her to be involved in BDSM.
When one seeks depth with a slave, there is one issue that always arises which must be dealt with. What I am going to discuss now is a common ailment among human beings. However, it is my experience that slaves take this to another level. For whatever reason, they are bound up more than the average person by this affliction. Therefore, unraveling this is of utmost importance.
And what is it that I am talking about you ask. Simply, the biggest battle a Master has when seeking to take a slave at a deep level is fear. It is the one hangup that almost every slave I encountered has to the "nth" degree. Certainly it varies in how it manifests in the individual but under it all is intense fear. Overcoming this is a Master's greatest challenge.
Many slaves reside in a state of perpetual fear. It is amazing how bound up an individual can be to the point she is almost paralyzed. What is ironic is you will find this in most no matter what their proclamation is. We all know about the ones who are seeking to be "sex slaves". Their fear is obvious: they limit their area of their submission because they fear giving up control entirely. What is not so obvious are the ones who appear to be what I term "true slaves". They are individuals who have the understanding of what being a slave means and how she is to live her life. Nevertheless, overwhelming fear is present within her, often to a greater degree than the sex slaves.
I wrote on here a number of times, based upon my own slamming of my head against the wall, that one should not chase a "runner". While there seems something romantic and noble about pursuing a "damsel in distress", the truth is that is usually is a total waste of time. As an example, I once knew one who was in her mid 50s. This woman had numerous divorces along with long term broken relationships. Most of these were in vanilla although her BDSM life was taking on the same pattern. I dealt with her for a while and she ran. Over the next few months contact was haphazard until about 9 months later our interaction became more frequent. Without going into all the details, it is safe to say she reached a point where she ran again.
Why do I bring this all up? My point is to illustrate that this individual simply did what her conditioning was. When the going got tough, she exited stage left. This is commonplace. Fish swim, birds fly, runners run. It is extremely difficult to change the nature of many individuals. In fact, look at the track record most people have. They say they want to change but few do. Instead, they follow the same beliefs and patterns for decades (if not their entire lives). Change simply is too difficult to embrace. Therefore, the status quo is the norm.
Getting back to the runner, the basic motivator is fear. Anyone who continually runs is afraid to stand in and deal with the situation at hand. Now, before going any further, I will state that there are times when a relationship or situation is long "toast". It is burnt to the ground. Obviously, if you did everything you could in a particular situation and nothing changed, well exiting is often a smart move. Nevertheless, I find that most run at the first sign of difficulty and never even attempt to "exhaust every avenue possible". Personally, I believe it stems from the inability to commit to something larger than oneself. I do not know how many times I read profiles of slaves ready to leave the lifestyle simply because their relationship went bad. Seriously, if one is truly committed to this way of life, leaving is never even an option. Sure one might step back and take a breather yet leaving for good, not possible. Of course, for one who is not truly committed, it is easy to move on to another way of life.
A simple truth is that there are times in life that things are not comfortable. At the same time, we simply do not know how things are going to turn out. On a day-to-day basis, certainty is desired but is rarely found. In short, our crystal balls are broken. We believe we know what is going to happen yet this is a false belief. Each day is completely new and nothing is for certain. Naturally, this lack of certainty instills fear since the unknown is scary. However, the most successful people are those who can take action in spite of not knowing the outcome. Embracing uncertainty is a talent worthy of developing for all individuals.
So what is it that a slave fears most? This is a loaded question since it will vary from individual-to-individual. I will start by stating most slaves have huge self esteem problems. Their self worth is in the toilet (and dealing with the degrading moronic dominants does not help). At the same time, their lives are usually wrought with pain and suffering. However, it is important to remember that none of us go through life without experiencing emotional setbacks. Therefore, a bit of perspective is necessary to realize that one is not so unique. Molestation and rape are commonplace within the world today. The same is true for breakups. Few of us are able to find the "one" right off the bat and spend the rest of our lives in bliss. In fact, nobody finds BDSM without a great deal of pain. It is this pain which causes us to start the search in the first place. In other words, if the vanilla world was working, none of us would be here.
Achieving depth requires overcoming one's fears. Those who desire something of this magnitude are going to have to let go and commit themselves no matter how scary the proposition. Again, few are able to do this. Instead, they proceed down the path until it gets too difficult. Invariably something will arise which is unresolved from the past which requires attention. At this point, the desire to suppress that and hide it is great. In fact, I would say this is the usual technique used. A slave will stuff away what is bothering opting to go to a place within her where she does not have to deal with it. Of course, this deals with nothing except for placing something within her that eats away like a cancer. It is no wonder so many are emotionally unstable when you consider they stuffed their problems for decades. Again, this is easier route than standing in a dealing with what is at hand.
For a BDSM relationship to be successful, both parties must be willing to let go and give themselves to each other. This means they give all of themselves. The problem with this for many is that past experiences arise leading one to believe he or she will be hurt. While this is always possible, the truth is one does not know for certain it will happen. Remember who I wrote earlier, the crystal ball is broken. One can no more say something will work out than he or she can say it will not. Certainty is not a part of our ever changing world so do not expect it nor buy into it. It is a myth. Simply take the measures to protect yourself and move forward.
Have you ever wondered why there are so many slaves out there who are alone? What is the reason for it? Part of it is the basic fact that there are not a ton of true Masters out there. The pretenders are a dime a dozen but those who are adept at taking someone at a deep level is a rarity. However, that is not the total picture. The main reason that so many slaves are alone is that is their destiny. Fear isolates and they are all consumed by it. They simply will not let it go and take the necessary steps to achieve something magical with another person. Instead, they progress for a while until things get uncomfortable within and then it is time to sabotage it. Hence, another broken relationship is the result. We see this situation play out on a daily basis. The BDSM dating sites is littered with profiles of slaves telling the same story. They want depth yet are afraid to go their themselves. Giving up the fear and making oneself vulnerable it simply too difficult. Instead, they proceed like always and, when things do not work out, totally ignore the core problem. I guess this is simply human nature manifesting itself in the BDSM world. Either way, it is real trend that I have seen repeated for years.
So what is a Master to do? Being aware of this enemy is the first step. In short, realize that almost every slave you are talking to is scared sh**less. She has fears on many different levels and you will have to tend to them all. A slave needs a safe place and it is up to the Master to provide that to one(s) in his care. She needs a place where she can open up and unload her fears. Therefore, a Master needs to be adept at not only creating this forum but also being able to handle the fears once they are dumped upon him. Taking ownership of one means you own ALL of her. Notice the word all. This means in totality, entirety, all that is there. Many simply want to cherry pick the good and easy while leaving the difficult behind. That is not how it works. Her fears are, most likely, the largest part of her. If you want her, you best be willing to take that on. Nobody said being a Master was easy.
In closing, I will state that I will delve into this topic more in future posts. The bottom line is a slave is a scared being for many reasons. Understanding that few take the time to deal with their s**t means that it is still there. It is your responsibility to create a safe place for a slave to go with ALL her problems, concerns, and insecurities. Often, simply opening up about them will reveal to her how absurd they truly are. This is because fear, no matter how real it feels, is an illusion. It is mythology generated by the mind to maintain the status quo. Remember, the mind craves certainty, something that is impossible. Therefore, it will do whatever it can to maintain what it knows which is the status quo. It is imperative that you realize this is going on within a slave at all times. Unless you become adept that breaking through the fear and getting her to let go, your relationship will be hindered at every turn.
As always, be careful out there.
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