December 27, 2008


What is an appropriate punishment for a sub/slave? That is a loaded question. As most of you know, I believe in treating each person as an individual. Experience taught me that there is no "one size fits all" in the world of BDSM. Nowhere is this more applicable than in the area of punishments.

Each person takes things differently. I met some who really enjoy pain while others abhor it. There were instances where I had people of each makeup at the same time. This presents a bit of a challenge when trying to discipline. Utilizing pain to one who loves is will have adverse effects. In this situation, one needs to be creative with his/her punishments.

The common viewpoint based upon images on the Internet is that the paddle (or other whipping device) is the preferred method of punishing. However, as anyone with children knows, sometimes a spanking is not the best method. Often, taking something away will have more of an impact.

I like to apply this same outlook with a slave. There are many instances where a paddling is not the most effective method for behavior modification. Sometimes, an act such as withholding time spent with her is a better choice. Of course, if one does not find pain to be attractive, then certainly he or she can be disciplined with a paddle. Again, it is best to try to select the best method for modifying one's behavior.

Another aspect of punishments is to ensure that the "punishment fits the crime". I see far to many Masters overreach in given situations. There is a big difference between disobedience and an error. People, including slaves, make mistakes. I think it is imperative that Master (Doms) know how to remain emotionally calm regardless of the situation. I feel that losing emotional control often leads to the crossing of the line into abuse.

A final point is "time". When issuing a punishment such as withholding time from one, it is crucial that it be for an acceptable period. This is another way that can get into abuse. Choosing to ignore a sub/slave for a month over something relatively inconsequential is not appropriate. We want to be always conscious that the action merits the consequences.

Remember, having a slave/sub learn the lesson that One is trying to teach is the most important thing. Through this, the behavior can be altered.

December 17, 2008


This is something that I truly value in my life. It is one of my highest ideals. Part of my plan for the next year is to restructure aspects of my life to experience more of this. I guess there is something within me which does not like to conform to what society says is proper. Perhaps I have a quiet rebellious streak that I need to satisfy.

Society has a way of conditioning us to behave in certain ways. We are taught that marriage is the proper course to follow when you grow up. (I will leave the question whether it is between a man and a woman or other scenarios to others). Our culture teaches the traditional model which most people adhere to. Being one who followed their suggestions for a while, I can attest that this did not work for me. The concept of a vanilla lifestyle did not go well. In fact, I failed miserably at it.

For those who know of me, you are aware that I never married. However, I did replicate that idea by living with someone in a long term situation. We got so involved that the breakup required attorneys on both sides. Needless to say, this did not endear that ideal to me.

BDSM is something that I was in and out of for years. My first experience with it was over a decade ago. Being uncertain what I wanted for myself, I stayed in it until I met the "one". Of course, as soon as the "one" turned out not to be that, I drifted back into this way of life. That transpired for a number of years until the blowup that I just mentioned. At that time, I made the commitment that this is how I live my life.

What I love about the BDSM lifestyle is the freedom that goes along with it. Anyone can choose how they want to live. There are so many facets, styles, and cultures within BDSM, that one literally could go in a hundred different directions. Are you interested in the leather scene? Do you like the idea of M/s? Would you want to live as 24/7 or do you prefer the occasional scene? How extreme do you wish to go? Is this something that you want to implement just during sex or would you like more? The avenues one can pursue are endless.

To me, BDSM is all about freedom. I am not bound by the viewpoints of society. Their cultural ideals in terms of relationships mean nothing to me. I found the arena which I am most happy. This is the lifestyle that suits me. It is a way of life which fulfills my highest value in life. Now, if I could only get the rest of my life to follow suit.

December 13, 2008

Erotic Humiliation-Face Slapping

There is something about slapping someone in the face that is considered one of the ultimate acts of degradation in our society. We see this activity in movies all the time, usually when a man approaches a woman inappropriately. This is typically followed by a drink being thrown in his face. Nevertheless, that is Hollywood and might not accurately reflect society in general.

However, there is something about being slapped in the face which we find demeaning. I do not profess to understand why this is, yet going on this assumption led to wonderful results in my BDSM interaction. It is an action which can be used to heighten the mood of a scene.

Before going any further, I must mention the all important safety tip. When we mention slap, we are referring to the act of striking someone with an open hand. This is not a close fisted punch. The idea is to provide a bit of a sting without hurting the other person. I write this because many seem to lack commonsense.

There are many subs who will have their experience heightened when you add face slapping to your routine. As mentioned, there is something that is wonderful humiliating about being slapped in the face. This is even more powerful when you do it to one who is bound. The idea of being totally defenseless while being slapped provides intense pleasure for many.

What is the pleasure in this? Everything involved within BDSM has to do with feelings. It is the feelings behind any activity which O/one is after. This is true whether one is a Dom or sub. Sexual activity is done because of the way it feels. Everything has to do with the feelings associated with an act.

Subs want to experience the feeling of being controlled. Erotic humiliation is something that further enhances this concept. When One has the capability to degrade another, it shows the hierarchy of power. Slapping someone in the face at His or Her will exemplifies the position of control. Try to implement this the next time you want to increase the intensity of your BDSM scene.

December 6, 2008

What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.

November 26, 2008

BDSM isnt for everyone

L: Hi. I was trying to do the candle wax dripping thing, and it's not
B: Have you lit the candle?
L: I need to light it?
B: Yes, if you want it to drip wax.
L: How do I light it?
B: With matches.
L: Ok, thanks!

L: Hi, it's me again. I've got the candle lit, but whenever I try and
press the wax onto her, she screams in pain. At least I think it's
pain, I can't tell with the gag I put on her.

B: Ah, I think I see the problem. You need to drip the wax onto her,
by holding the lit candle well above her flesh. Don't push the flame
into her body, that doesn't work.
L: Gee thanks! How do you know all this stuff, did you go to college?
B: Uh, no, I just picked it up by playing around at home.
L: You must be really smart!

L: Hi, the candle's still not working. She's not screaming in pain any
more, but the wax isn't melting on her, it's just bouncing off.
B: Do you have the candle lit?
L: Yup, it's lit, and the wax dribbles off, but then when it hits her
it just bounces off.
B: Uh, how high are you holding the candle.
L: I'm standing on a chair, holding it way up while she's on the
floor. That way it won't burn her.
B: Um, that might be a bit too high. Try holding the candle about a
foot above her. Then the wax will still be liquid when it hits her. If
it's too hot, raise the candle higher. If it's not hot enough, lower
the candle.
L: Well why didn't you tell me the first time.
B: I assumed you were a little more familiar with candles, sir. My
apologies for the mistake.
L: Don't talk down to me, I'm an MCSE! [0]
B: Yes, sir. Just try that and let us know how it goes.

L: Guess who? Yup, me again. It worked really great, I dripped the wax
everywhere and she really enjoyed it, and thrashed around a lot in
B: Great! How can I help you then?
L: Well, after a while she passed out from the pleasure, and she
hasn't said anything yet.
B: Did you remove the gag?
L: No, do I need to?
B: Yes, sir.
L: Ok, I'll just do it now, but she's in another room.
B: You do that then call us back if there are any problems.
L: Ok.

L: It's me again. I had to scrape a lot of the wax off, but I was able
to remove the gag now. She's still not saying anything.
B: Ok, have you tried pouring cold water on her?
L: No, I'll do that now. How high should it be when I pour it.
B: Uh, it doesn't matter how high, just pour it.
L: Ok, hang on. I'll go do that now. *pause* Nope, it didn't help.
B: Um, is she still breathing?
L: How do I check?
B: Is her stomach rising and falling?
L: Let me just check. *pause* No it's not.
B: I see. Uh, how much wax did you dribble on her face?
L: Oh heaps! At least 3 candles worth. You could hardly make anything
out it was on so thick. She really enjoyed it though, she was
thrashing around so much when I did it. It's funny, but even though
I've removed all the wax, her face is still kind of blue.
B: Uh, yeah, that will pass. Um, she seems to have moved into another
stage of existance, and it's not something we support. You'll need
to call Life Support on 911.
L: What? Hey, it was your candles and BSDM[1] book! You have to
support it.
B: I'm afraid not sir, we do explicitly state that you are responsible
for the use of such equipment, and whilst we can provide tips and
advice, you are responsible for anything occuring from the use of the
L: I want my money back then!
B: I'm sorry, but as you've used up the candles and used the book, we
can't do that.
L: You can't do that. I'm gonna call the police!
B: Ok, Sir. You do that, and tell them everything which happened. Tell
them that we have a recorded tape of all our conversations which they
can listen to if they need to confirm anything. Then if they agree you
deserve a refund we'll do that.
L: Fine. *slams down phone*

[0] Melted Candle Splurting Expert.
[1] Typo deliberate.


Here is the United States we are celebrating the annual Thanksgiving holiday. Like most holidays, this one lost some of its meaning over the years. Nevertheless, it is a helpful reminder to be thankful for all that we have. Times of late are trying to us all. Nevertheless, there is a lot that we have which we take for granted.

Most of us in the Western world do not know what it is like to truly suffer. Lately, we hear how horrible the housing market is with people being foreclosed upon, how stocks are getting destroyed, and how people are facing the loss of their jobs. While acknowledging how bad all these are, it is best to remember that many in the world would love to have these problems.

We need only look at the continent of Africa to realize how blessed all of us are. They are struggling with some of the basic necessities of life. Diseases like aids is running at an incredible rate, most countries suffer from famine, and tribal wars are commonplace. Everyday is truly a life or death situation.

As you go through the next 24 hours, remember all that you have. If you find that you are presently lacking some of the things that this society has to offer, then be grateful that you live in a place where there is an opportunity to create your life as you see fit. At this moment, you have more opportunities within 10 miles of your house than most of the people in Africa will ever dream of.

A spiritual adviser of mine would say "we live in the land of milk and honey". How true he was.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

November 25, 2008 site to check out

This is a site that holds great interest for me. I came across it a couple of weeks back when a friend referred me to it. It takes the concept that Digg used for terrific success and applied it to sex/porn. Recently, they surpassed over 2,000 submission in only 3 weeks. I can see why they are the fastest growing site in this field.

On it, you can submit your own links to whatever sex or porn sites you like. Also, the voting system (called kinks) allows the members to rate other people’s submissions. Finally, you can comment on anything that holds interest to you. It truly is an interactive social site.

I would suggest this to any blogger of adult material. Post your stuff here to increase your traffic and gain more exposure. And, anyone who likes kink, this seems to be the place to find it.

Go to to enjoy this site.

November 23, 2008


There seems to be a lack of courtesy which has overtaken our culture. Everywhere I turn people are downright rude. I can only presume this is part of what goes along with the entitlement mentality. We are a culture that believes others are here to serve us and that some are "beneath" us. We witness this with anyone who is involved in the service industry. These are some of the most abused people.

The BDSM world is no different. We often talk about the M/s aspect of BDSM on this site. However, this concept applies equally, if not more, to the D/s realm. The nature of M/s establishes a certain amount of respect and courtesy for one's Master. However, this is not always reciprocated. Often, I see Masters acting like arrogant fools. They failed to remember the lessons they were taught growing up.

D/s is often a relationship without the deep commitment we find in M/s. Many times, people will only get together for a scene. Friends with benefits can come under this scenario. Once the scene ends, the commitment to each other ends.

Does this mean that common courtesy is to be ignored. Of course, there are techniques used during the scene which will negate this (erotic humiliation for example). Nevertheless, we can still apply the same courtesy and respect to this type of relationship.

Standing someone up is considered by most to be plain rude. No matter what the interaction, not showing up when you agreed to is disrespectful and shows how little one cares about others. To me, this is one of the most selfless acts. That being said, I am amazed at how many people will agree to meet on a certain day only to have that day pass without even a phone call. In my book, this is grounds for ending the relationship.

Another area that I see abused is the lack of saying "please" and "thank you". This applies to the Masters as well. These terms are always practical no matter what type of relationship you create. It is not a sign of weakness to say them to a slave. In fact, it shows your power more since you are not threatened by her. Many pretenders feel that continue degradation is the only way to control. Destroying a slave/sub's esteem is not control; that is abuse. The truly power Masters/Doms will build their ones up while maintaining his own self worth.

In the end, the BDSM world is a microcosm of society in general. Since common courtesy is something that is vanishing from our culture, it is also something that is leaving this lifestyle also. I can only hope there are a few who remain committed to some of the ideals of old.

November 18, 2008

The Ups and Downs of BDSM

Many seem to think that entering the BDSM world will solve all of one's problems. It will not. The biggest thing to remember about a BDSM relationship (whether it be D/s or M/s) is that it is still a relationship. Even within the alternative lifestyle, there are life issues to deal with. We are not exempt from all the circumstances that others go through.

Relationships, by their very nature, contains ups and downs. There are times when two people get along fabulously while others, not so well. As I wrote numerous times, the only real difference between BDSM and traditional relationships is the power structure. Aside from that, they mimic each other to a great extent.

So, what are the important components? You can already guess the answer to that one. The same qualities which make a vanilla relationship succeed also helps those in BDSM prevail. We can look to the attributes of trust, responsibility, contribution, and compatibility. These are all things that make interactions with others successful.

There will be difficult times in any relationship. What gets a couple through them is the trust that they have for each other. "Anything worth having is worth fighting for". We see this clearly in relationships. When two people are committed to making things work, they can overcome astounding obstacles.

Consider this the next time things get a little bumpy in your relationship.

November 15, 2008

The Best Household BDSM Implement

Many go out and spend hundreds of dollars on BDSM toys and accessories. While this is all well and good, it is a step that needn't be taken, especially in the beginning. It is best to enter into this alternative lifestyle in a manner which reflects your level of learning. Spending a boatload of money on furniture, whips, and chains when you know not how to use them is pointless.

The way I tell most couples to implement BDSM in their relationship is through the technique of spanking. This simple technique allows for one to experience the sensation of the lifestyle without going too deep. I find it best to go slower rather than fast. Spanking can also be coupled with a variety of role playing to enhance the scene.

After one get accustomed to this, I usually suggest adding to thes situation by getting a simple household spatula. This can be one of the plastic ones that is available at the local discount store. A plastic spatula will increase the amount of "sting" when the ass or upper back is struck. Some also like to have their tits beaten with this, an entry into titty torture.

Using a spatula is the most cost effective way to move to the next level in your BDSM play. The best part is that every kitchen has one. You can vary the degree of pain by strike the same area repeatedly in quick intervals. As mentioned, there is the flexibility of striking different areas. Finally, I have concentrated on a specific area long enough to draw blood. The constant striking will thin out the skin until there is nothing left.

Remember this tool the next time you want to add a bit more to your scene.

Equal Treatment

*This post aims more at the M/s relationship than it does at the D/s. Also, it refers to those who are in poly situations as opposed to those who are in single slave ones.

"That is so unfair". This is a saying we hear from children all the time. One will find it not fair that an older sibling is allowed to stay out later. Children expect equal treatment from parents. However, anyone with multiple children knows that you do not treat your children equally. There are differences based upon age, maturity level, and acceptance of responsibility. Experience shows us that some are better able to handle things while others need to wait a while.

The poly M/s relationship is similar. Many slaves feel that a Master should treat her the same as the others. This is a way to set oneself up for disappointment. Not all slaves are on equal footing. Depending on her talents, she might be utilized for different purposes than another. This is up to the Master.

A classic example is the difference between a house slave and a pleasure slave. Both are slaves owned by a Master. However, they live entirely different existences. The house slave is responsible for and judged based upon her taking care of the domestic activities. At the same time, the pleasure slave is there for the Master's fun and enjoyment. While they both might be expected to perform in the other area, it is common that they are relegated to that specific role.

Does a Master have to be fair? No. Does one have to drive two cars equally when owning more than one? It is unfair to drive one car more than the other. Well, that is the choice of the owner. The same holds true in the M/s world. A Master is free to elect how He spends His time. Also, the manner in how one pleases Him is also His choice.

The BDSM world, and M/s in particular, is far different than the traditional model. It is not for everyone. Many have a difficult time adjusting. Some learn more about themselves and can accept this aspect of the lifestyle. Others find they need to move into something a bit more with what society teaches. That is a reality of this way of life.

If you are in a poly M/s relationship, do not expect to be treated on par with your sisters. There will be times when a Master favors one over another. Do not expect to have the situation explained to you since He does not answer to you. He is the one who makes the decisions while you are the one who follows His directives. Submission is a complete process. When living the life of total power exchange (tpe) it is crucial to remember one's place.

November 13, 2008

Punishing of the Feet

The beating of the feet can be fun and exciting for many. This is especially true for those who have a foot fetish. The idea of having a bit of soreness the next day reminds the sub/slave of the wonderful time experienced with the Dom/Master.

To start, safety is really important in this technique. A foot has many small bones that can easily be broken. We want to avoid this at all costs. Always hit on the bottoms while avoiding the tops altogether. Aim you blows to the balls of the feet or the external sole. The heel is also acceptable if that person has never had any heel trouble.

For maximum pleasure, it is best to tie the sub/slave up. Have the sub lay on his or her back while putting the feet in the air. I find that using a spreader bar or cuffs attached to an overhead hook works the best. This will give open access to the soles of the feet (the ass is exposed also providing a bonus benefit).

Naturally the idea is to cause a sting as opposed to providing pain. As mentioned, safety is critical in this technique. What you use to strike the sub/slave can vary. Floggers, rulers, and boards all seem to be effective. Find something that provides the sting which you also can control. I found that industrial size paint stirrers work very well. Experiment with different devices to see what you like the best.

Try this technique the next time you want to have some BDSM fun. It is unique and provides the sub/slave with a sensation not otherwise experienced.

November 1, 2008

Knowing Your Place

The M/s lifestyle is a voluntary one. Nobody can be forced into being a sub or a slave. This is a decision that each has to make. However, once the decision is made to enter this way of life, one is expected to know her place. Failure to do so creates the situation that needs addressing-a resolution which is often not accommodating to that individual.

Naturally, there is a major difference between a sub and slave. To me, the level of commitment means that treatment is altered. Obviously, one who desires to serve as a slave is accepting a greater degree of control exerted over him or her. In this arrangement, the exchange of power is total. Nothing is retained by the slave.

When one enters as a sub, she is agreeing to retain control over a portion of his/her life. The exchange of power is complete only in those areas that pertain to the submission. For example, a sub may submit during a scene but the power is equaled after the scene is ended. Or the domination might only include sex while all other aspects of the relationship is level.

In both cases, there is a "negotiated" agreement with respect to the power. It is understood that the exchange is total in the M/s relationship. The decision to do this means that the Master is in control. That is what "total power exchange" means.

Too many seem to forget the nature of our relationships. It is easy to fall back into old behavior of wanting to have a voice. Slaves have emotions like everyone else. However, it is best to understand your place within the relationship. Again, failure to do so can have adverse consequences.

A slave's place is to make her Master's life easier. Unfortunately, the slave's ego often gets in the way to cause turmoil. This is true when there are multiple people involved. I have seem so many petty arguments transpire over the littlest things. It makes One wonder if he is indeed dealing with adults. Jealousy and the "one upping" game can drive a Master crazy. More than once the idea passed through my mind to clean house and return to the traditional lifestyle.

Of course, this is not meant to deter anyone from the lifestyle. This is just one of the many situations that a Master needs to deal with. When the one(s) who submits forgets her place, problems arise. Ultimately, the Master is forced to make a decision to resolve the issue.

October 29, 2008

Willingness versus Ability

Many who are new to the lifestyle are concerned about their ability to serve the One they are with. This is a natural reaction since the desire to please is so great. However, I feel that ability is secondary to willingness. At least this is true initially.

Each person is different in terms of their skills, background, and experiences. It is unfair to expect someone new to the lifestyle to perform the same as one who has years of experience. This is true in all aspects of life. Some learn rather quickly while others take a little longer. The key, for me, it is to have a sub/slave progress at a rate that is proper for her.

I found that ability is not what determines one's success in serving. What is the determining factor is the willingness that one has each day. A sub/slave who is unwilling will not be successful. I often wonder why one got into the lifestyle each time I encounter someone like this.

The actions that one is expected to take can be taught. Over time, I can show a sub/slave exactly what I want done. Yet, the willingness to serve is something that I cannot provide. I believe this is a trait that is ingrained in that person which I simply help to uncover.

So, when I get with someone who is new, this is the first area that I focus my attention on. It is the willingness that seems to make the difference.

October 26, 2008

BDSM: Flogging

Flogging is a way for both the top and bottom to receive pleasure. Many like the "pain" that goes along with this. However, it is usually the endorphin rush that is sought after. The bottom can get a "high" in certain situations.

Flogging is about power for the Dom/Master. The sense of pleasure that comes from this power is stimulating. Also, many of us like to give a sub/slave pleasure if she is one who enjoys the sensations from flogging. For both, there is erotic stimulation.

The technique of flogging is simple but not easy. A good flogger will provide a nice snap on the intended target. Nevertheless, it is important to approach this technique with safety. A great deal of damage can be done to one if care is overlooked.

To start, never strike a person with a flogger (or anything else) in an area that could be damaged. This includes, but is not limited to, face, neck, joints, or areas where there arteries. Permanent damage can be inflicted. Also, for the back, always go across it taking care to avoid hitting the spine. The small of the back is another place to stay away from. In general, it is best to always strike an area of the body where there is some "meat".

Personally, my favorite area to flog is the ass. It is safe thus removing the possibility for injury. That area also allows for some leeway with the strikes. It is best to give yourself a margin of error.

Flogging takes a bit of talent. I suggest practicing on an inanimate object such as a pillow or a pole to get accustomed to the action of the flogger. When using any whipping tool, wrap-around is always a concern. Practice will give you a feel for the length and power of the strokes. Also, learning how to adjust the amount of impact is crucial. It will allow for the sensations to be heightened by alternating the force.

As for the flogger itself, there are hundreds of types on the market. I will not go into them here. What I will suggest is to avoid the cheap ones that are available at gag stores. A good flogger will have a solid handle with strong tails. Leather is a good material for this. Of course, your price range will be a deciding factor but investing in a good flogger is necessary. It is one of the basics of the BDSM world.

October 20, 2008

BDSM Dictionary

The BDSM world, like most others, has it's own language. There are many terms which can confuse a new person. Names such as top, bottom, and switch carry different meanings than everyday society. There are also a variety of techniques which are understood by their explanation rather than their names.

Here is a wonderful resource that was compiled to help explain some of the terms of the BDSM lifestyle. It is a BDSM dictionary.

Click here to view.

October 18, 2008

Nipple Clamps

Nipple clamps are a wonderful way to enhance a sexual encounter. There are many forms that people turn to. In my previous post, I mentioned one of the simplest and least expensive; the clothespin.

The sensitivity of one's nipple varies from person-to-person. Some really love the feeling of having them "crushed" under the pressure of the clamp. Others are not so fond of this activity. It is important to experiment with your one to see where the limits fall.

If you enter any sex shop, you will find many different types of clamps available. If there is a BDSM section, the selection will be rather large. There are tweezer, Japanese clover, and forcep clamps. Not only are these available, but some have chains attached for increase pleasure. This offers the ability to lead him or her around via the clamps or connect to a collar. The choice you make will depend a great deal on your budget.

Spending a lot of money on clamps is not necessary. The clothespin offers an excellent example. You can also use hair pins or clips used on potato chip bags. These items are available at the local Dollar Store. In fact, most people have them laying around the house.

A final option is to head to your local home building center. Outside of the sex shop, this is a favorite of BDSMer. For clamps, there are a variety to choose from. If you are into extreme, alligator clamps found in the electrical section are inexpensive. One can also go for the vice clamps in the hardware section.

As you can see, there are lots of choices with nipple clamps. Whichever you choose, the idea is to stimulate the nipple so that it stands out proudly. Attach the clamp to it providing some pain for a short period of time. Once the nipple numbs up, you will be able to experiment in your play. For me, I find great pleasure in the removal of the clamps since the blood rushing back in causes a second way of pain (this is especially true with the alligator clamps).

A final note, remember not to leave the clamps on for too long. When participating in BDSM, it is critical to not cut off the blood flow to any part of the body for an extended period of time. This could result in injury.

October 16, 2008

Simple Play (Punishment)

BDSM is a wide spectrum ranging from the soft to the extreme. How deep one ventures is entirely up to that person. For many new people, it is overwhelming. They read different articles and sites on the Internet only to learn that there are many layers to this lifestyle. What is one to do?

Spanking is a simple way to enhance your pleasure. It is also a mild entry into the BDSM world. Obviously, many experiment with this technique often not realizing that it is consider to be part of BDSM. I would guess the vast percentage of the population has spanked/been spanked during sex. Again, this is a mild form of BDSM yet something that many can expand upon.

For those couples who have determined the Dom/sub roles, spanking is a wonderful way to move a bit deeper into the lifestyle. Punishments are often necessary for one's training. A spanking is a terrific way to levy a punishment. The severity of the blows can be adjusted to reflect the magnitude of the misdeed.

Spanking also will allow a sub to experiment with her pain threshold. Many find that pain provides them pleasure. Helping a sub find her limits is one of the primary responsibilities of a Dom, especially when they are romantically involved with each other. Spanking offers the pain aspect without getting into the extreme segments of the lifestyle that include whips and canes.

Try this time tested technique. You will find that spanking offers the dual role of being an act of pleasure, and one of punishment.

October 14, 2008

An Easy Entry Into BDSM

Many try to over complicate things when looking at the BDSM way of life. While it is a lifestyle for many, for others it is a way to spice up the ole sex life. When first experimenting with BDSM, it is best to start with some basic things.

A trip to the local sex shop will quickly reveal that one can spend lots of money on BDSM accessories and toys. To say that these devices are not cheap is an understatement. You could literally spend thousands of dollars outfitting yourself with all that you need; a number that doesn't take furniture into consideration. Add that to the equation and the total will surpass $10,000.

Before you take out a personal loan to finance your kinky activities, it is best to start with the basics. This will allow for you to learn different techniques while saving money. One of the most basic accessories you can use is the ordinary wooden clothespin. This is something that you can buy for pennies yet is extremely versatile.

Read anything about BDSM techniques and you will find that clamps are a common part of the lifestyle. Many scenes will involve this in some form. Clamps are used for nipples, clits, and cocks. They can also be put on any part of the body where the Dom/Master wants to apply a bit of pain. Many find the pinching adds to the sensation of being dominated.

Again, before running out to the local sex shop and purchasing different kinds clamps with chains, consider playing with the clothespins that are laying in your laundry room. These items will give the same benefit as a clamp for a few cents. If you are feeling really feisty, put a number of them on the breast at the same time.

Another wonderful technique that is done with clothespins is something called the Zipper. This is a system where a number of clothespins are tied together and placed on the body. The removal is similar to a zipper being opened. For a full description of how to use this technique, click here.

As you can see, your entry into BDSM need not be expensive nor extravagant. Often, a trip to the local hardware store offers some of the best ideas.

October 10, 2008

The Most Popular Form Of BDSM

The other day I read that wax play is the most popular form of BDSM play. I do not know if I agree with this assessment completely. When I think about it, I would think that spanking and other activities of that nature would be more common. Perhaps the writer was referring to the more "hardcore" BDSM activities. Regardless, it is something that I know many enjoy.

Candle wax certainly will increase the eroticism of any scene. Many love the sensation of the hot wax hitting their skin. This is enhance if you add some ice play to cool the skin first. The contrast in temperatures is amazing.

Since we seem to be getting so many new people following this blog based upon the email I receive, I thought it best to offer some suggestions for safe wax play.

Here are a few things that can enhance the experience.

1. The choice of candle is crucial. Many want to get exotic candles to enhance the experience. They believe the perfumes in them will aid in the atmosphere. This is the exact opposite that should be done.

I find that the inexpensive candles that are available at the local Dollar Store are the best. They burn at a lower temperature than the more expensive ones which can cause burning. Also, a plain white candle is best since many are allergic to the dyes in the colored ones.

2. The candle should be held at least a foot above the one that you are working on. This will allow the drippings to cool somewhat on the way down. Anything closer than a foot could cause burning.

3. If there is hair anywhere on the body, it is best to rub that area down with baby oil. This enable you to easily pull the wax off without taking the hair with it.

4. This seems obvious but avoid all contact with the eyes. It is dumb that I have to state that but people are amazing how they can overlook the obvious.

5. Do not go for the genitals or tits immediately. Start with the locations that arent as sensitive like the arms, legs, or stomach. People react differently and focusing on these areas first will allow you to guage the other's reaction. If all goes well there, then you can go for the genitals.

6. Use a safe word. If it gets to bad for him or her, that person has the right to stop the scene. Give the option of telling you that it is too much. A safe word is the easiest method to do this.

7. Have fun. Experiment and play to determine what works best for you.

October 9, 2008

Real Versus Role Play

How much in the BDSM world is real versus that which is role play? The answer to this question resides in the two people who are involved in the relationship. It is up to them to determine what the boundaries of their relationship are. Like I continue to mention, there is not a "one size, fits all" model to follow. BDSM offers the flexibility to create whatever it is that you desire.

The other day I wrote about the use of professionals. When engaging in this behavior, one is most likely acting out a particular fantasy. Depending on what it is, there can be an assumption of roles during the scene. Many like to create entire scenarios surrounding the scene. This is a wonderful way to explore one's desires.

People who are involved in more committed relationships also can implement role playing into their interactions. Some like to live out the "bad little girl idea","teacher-student", or "pet play". All of these can occur during a casual interaction or within the confines of a deeper relationship. It depends upon what the parties are interested in. That is why I always suggest that people experiment to see what they like. BDSM is a fascinating world open to anyone who wants to try it.

Many seem to feel this is common sense. However, there are lots of new people who seem to ignore common sense when it comes to BDSM. For whatever reason, they act in ways that defy logic. I see too many put themselves in potentially dangerous situations which would never occur if they were pursuing a traditional relationship. It seems they think things are different because this is BDSM. Many of the same interpersonal skills used in other walks of life apply here. The BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

To me, role play is real. Some choose to live this way of life 24/7. That is their privilege. Others elect to only implement BDSM in the bedroom. Another fine way to approach it. Playing Master/slave during a scene has the same effect during that time as being a real slave. The lashes are equally real. Certainly, I am not claiming this person is a slave because of a role assumed. However, this person is engaged in BDSM even if for only a short period of time.

Mindset is a crucial component in all of life. Approaching BDSM with the proper outlook is crucial to having an enjoyable experience. Too many believe there is only one method to this way of life. Some of the experienced people like to degrade the way others choose to live. That is garbage. This is the attitude that turns people away from this lifestyle. BDSM is about living one's life in a manner pleasing to that person. However one chooses to go about it, as long as it is safe, is wonderful. Let the opinions of others be damned.

October 8, 2008


Many seek out the services of professionals to fulfill their BDSM fantasies. For many, this can be a wonderful way to approach the lifestyle. It is a route that one can choose which offers a greater chance of being with someone knowledgeable, thus decreasing the likelihood of getting hurt. Professionals offer a service that many cannot find anywhere else.

We have all seen the episodes on television where a high power male hires a Dominatrix to work on him. This is a common impression that the mainstream likes to portray. However, there are many different variations on this theme. There is an equal chance the professional is a male. Also, women are as likely, if not more, to enlist the services of a professional as her male counterparts.

The use of a professional creates an environment where the scene is high structured. All components of the scene will be determined ahead of time. The use of safe words is always present with a professional. I have yet to meet one who did not insist on them. Also, they are usually very specific with what they will do. There are certain areas of play which they will not engage in and He or She will mention them.

Do not call a professional for sex. These people are not escorts or prostitutes. They perform a service that is legal. However, crossing the line into sexual activity while being paid puts each in legal peril. In fact, penetration with anything is considered sex-for-pay and off limits. Anyone who offers that as part of the service needs to be avoided, in my opinion. I would believe that person is laying a trap of some kind. It might simply be ignorance but that is not something that I would want to risk.

This is a business arrangement. Remember that when "negotiating" with this person. Each side is worthy of certain respect while adhering to a certain protocol. Just because you are seeking this person's services does not mean that you are agreeing to submit unconditionally. As mentioned, there are boundaries established which each side adheres to. The treatment that you receive will reflect your status as a customer.

A final word: the use of a professional is for the purpose of pleasure only. The hiring of this person does not make you a slave. A BDSM fantasy is being lived out by people who are partaking in certain roles. The submission is only for the scene itself and not part of a larger context. The term "slave" is not valid other than to enhance the moment of the scene. A true slave carries a completely different meaning. If you encounter someone who immediately pushes you into "slave" mode, pack up your stuff. There is a good possibility this person is not really a pro.


Figging is a type of BDSM play that does not seem to get much publicity. It is something that I heard dates back to ancient times. As a sexual practice it can be exciting and increase the pleasure for both Dom and sub.

This technique involves the ginger root for anal play. Ginger, in it's pure form, has a bit of a burn to it. As an anal toy, this is stimulating for many. It heightens the senses while walking the pain/pleasure line.

Here is how this play goes.

1. Tie the sub up on your favorite position so that the ass is accessible to you.
2. Insert the ginger root "finger" into the ass until it reaches the ring.
3. Watch the reaction you get as the "burn" increases (you might want to play with him or her while this is happening).

It is a simple technique that provides a great deal of pleasure. The trick in this is the preparation. Your success is determined by how well you do with this.

Here is how you prepare the ginger for figging.

1. Start with a full hand of ginger. Most stores sell ginger pre-cut into fingers. Only buy full hands of ginger-an oriental grocery store might be the best bet.
2. Cut the finger off down near the hand. Make sure the finger is at least 3.5-4 inches.
3. Remove the skin of the ginger and make the finger smooth with a potato peeler or knife.
4. Cut a ring about 3/4 of the way down for the anus to grip onto. (1/2 inch wide should be perfect.
5. Wash ginger in cold water to lubricate.

A few words of caution. The juices from the ginger will burn if it gets in contact with the eyes. After preparing the ginger root, wash your hands thoroughly to avoid touching your or the sub's eyes during play. Also, be sure to use a "finger" that is thick enough in diameter so as not to snap while in the ass. Finally, avoid any lubricants during this play since they will tend to seal the ginger. Use water and insert slowly until the anus accepts it.

Figging is an ancient practice is ideal for enjoyment and can be used as punishment. The "burn" will vary for each individual. Some reported it similar to the sensation of using a muscle cream. Others said it is like the feeling of eating a hot pepper. I found that those who enjoy pain really love this technique. Experiment with it and see what you find.

October 6, 2008

Entry Into The Lifestyle

I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was recently introduced to our way of life. He recently got with a girl who is equally interested in BDSM and all that it offers. Neither has much experience in this area so they are seeking guidance as to the best approach. People who regularly read this blog know that I believe one of the main benefits of BDSM is the flexibility for two people to design a relationship how they see fit. I suggested that these individuals experiment to find what worked for them.

What was interesting about the conversation was his belief that he needed to be an expert immediately. I sensed that both wanted to attain a level which comes from years of experience. They certainly had the desire to dive into it full-tilt. While this is a natural tendency, I mentioned that perhaps a bit slower approach is beneficial. Many are hurt by one or both parties moving too quickly. It is important for both individuals to feel comfortable with the progress being made.

Limits are something that every person needs to determine. Experienced people know exactly where their boundaries are. Nevertheless, new people need the time to decide what they like and dislike. Here, conjecture is often misleading. Many believed that felt a certain way about something only to later determine that they liked it. A good Dom will take a sub to a limit, then try to move that person past it. This requires taking things a little slower. Shocking one is usually not a good thing.

Thus, the lesson of the day is to take things slow. The BDSM world is one that is diverse and exciting. However, there is no need to experience it all in a matter of days. Experimentation is the best practice; find out what your likes and dislikes are. And, always remember, safety is the top priority.

October 4, 2008

Unhappy People

Have you ever been to a party and seen someone who is completely miserable? Of course, we all have. What is interesting is that the same thing occurs at BDSM or swinger parties. There are some people who just want to sulk regardless of the environment.

I was recently at a swinger's party (I know not BDSM but bear with me) where there was one there who was a total party killer. This particular event had a fair bit of action. Unlike many where people are standing around, on this evening people were getting into it. Sex was occurring everywhere. For those who like the group thing, it was an amazing site.

Now to our party killer. She was someone who I did not know. However, within minutes of being introduced to her she was ranting about how horrible everything was. She proceeded to degrade most of the men there and all the women. To her, there was something wrong with everyone. I am sure you can identify with this type of person.

Luckily, I was able to get away from this woman. She is nothing but a constant complainer. Nothing is ever good enough for her. In truth, she is a miserable person. Personally, I want nothing to do with anyone like that. Life is too short to occupy my time with killjoys such as her. Let her find someone who is as miserable and they can have a pity party together.

This reminds me of another one who was at a BDSM gathering that I attended a couple of years ago. The event was held at a friend's house who is deeply involved in the lifestyle. He and his wife really have a BDSM playground. Almost every room in their house is set up for play. Every toy you can imagine was there. They even managed to create a full dungeon room for scenes to take place. Overall, it is one of the better BDSM houses I saw.

You can guess what I am going to mention next. Another killjoy. There was a man there who complained the entire evening. If it was not the furniture that got it, it was the accessories. First he was upset that they didn't have any bamboo (guess they ran out; who knows). Then, he focused on how a dominatrix was doing a scene all wrong. After that he decided that this party was not worth the distant that he had to drive. Thankfully, I can say I never saw this person again.

My experience is that people like this cannot be reasoned with. There are some who are just miserable in their life. Many of them have control issues which leads to them having attitude since we all know most things in life are out of our hands. People are often jaded over past relationships, emotions which they never dealt with. Sadly, these are the ones who are the loudest. Their insecurities make them believe that everyone else needs to hear them.

BDSM is a way of life that is exciting, fun, and enjoyable. However, it does not solve our life problems. Also, the issues that other people have are prevelant in this lifestyle. When people want to bring all their misery and unhappiness to you, it is best to walk the other way. Why allow these people to ruin your day?

October 2, 2008


This is a lifestyle that demands maturity. There is no place for those who approach it from an immature perspective. If people cannot handle being adult about our way of life, then it is best for that person to move on. It is my experience that people who fail to be able to do this end up hurting themselves and others.

I wrote previously about many having "the need to be right". This is an immature approach that stems from low self esteem. We see this evidenced when any of their ideas are challenged. The situation is worsened when you look online. Many are braver when they have the anonymity of the Internet to hide behind. Cyber courage is commonplace with these people. They rant and rave through the keyboard calling others all kinds of names. Ironically, these cyber bullies cower when confronted with a situation in real life. This is my experience anyway.

There is also the subject of jealousy. This is another sign that reflects a degree of immaturity. Many feel threatened when their One is with another. If this is something that you experience, I would say the traditional world is more to your likening. Quite a few who are in this way of life are poly in some form or another. One might take on multiple partners during a scene. Also, He or She might have the sub be with multiple people (if that is an area they agreed to venture into). Basically, group sex is commonplace and those who see green are going to have difficulties.

The final area of immaturity is in dealing with others. There is a lot of "she said, she said" (I refer to it is the feminine since it is women who I see to engage in this more than the men). People are too easy to get their panties in a ruffle; if we wore any. Many feel the need to take digs at others to prove their worth to their Dom. In fact, I witnessed situations where subs tried to one-up each other by proclaiming who had the better Dom/Master. This certainly reminded Me of the schoolyard where the child says "my daddy is better than your daddy". Again, this was a situation that occurred online.

The decision to enter into this way of life takes a strong ability. There are many out there who are jaded and angry over events of the past. If you are one who hates men because of your past relationships, as an example, then BDSM is not going to solve your issues. You need to work those out before trying to find a Dom/Master. The bottom line is that many need a good dose of growing up. Stop blaming everyone else for the issues that you have.

As a writer I am often criticized for the words that I set down. Many seem to feel the need to express their opinion if they do not like something. Of course, that is their right and I welcome it. However, I also have the ability to ignore the insults that arise occasionally. Some just cannot help but to be mean. Naturally, these typically are the ones who are miserable in their own lives. To Me, these people are not worth the time to respond. This is what I believe the mature approach is.

September 30, 2008

Differences Of Opinion

It is always interesting to see how people degrade the ideas of others within the BDSM community. I find this fascinating since many of us experience the prejudice of society in general. Yet, instead of rallying around this way of life, there are those who prefer to tear others down. Usually, these are the ones who are the so-called "experts". They insist that their way of life is the only way.

The wonderful part about BDSM is the broadness of it. There are so many ways to be involved in this lifestyle that it is too numerous to list. Also, the end result is that people enjoy themselves. Sex is meant to be fun. Most people in this way of life are highly sexual beings. Why shouldn't they enhance that aspect of their life? How they go about doing it is nobody's business. As long as it is done in a safe manner, what goes on between two consenting adults is their deal. Everyone else can jump in a lake.

Many want to critique the ideas of others. Often, this is done in a demeaning way. Being a person who values freedom, I cede this is that person's right. However, there is a saying that "nobody ever erected a statue for a critic". Many times people leave harsh comments about something that I wrote. My response is "what have you ever done for this lifestyle champ?". It is easy for one to sit on the sidelines and pass judgment. Nevertheless, people who are worth a crap are actually in the game.

There are going to be differences of opinion. No two Doms control a sub the same way. Each has his or her style that works. The same is true for subs. I have yet to meet two who were identical. Each has her own qualities and attributes. BDSM is truly a lifestyle that is contoured to each individual's tastes. This is one of the more appealing characteristics of it in my opinion.

So the next time you want to get on your high horse, I ask you, what makes you so damn important? What have you ever done that makes your opinion worth anything? Before you condemn, let's see your list of accomplishments. I always find it interesting that the ones who are usually running their mouths (keyboards in this case) are the ones who are bitter and alone. Ironic that O/one who screwed up every relationship wants to advise others on what to do.

The bottom line is there is more than one way to practice this way of life. If what someone else does is not to your liking, shut your lips and mind your own business. That is how mature, enlightened people approach life. Of course, those who feel the need to bully to prove they are right are really just showing how low their self esteem is. The bully is the one in schoolyard who is always pushing others around to hide the fact that he thinks little of himself. This persists until somebody stands up to him by punching him square in the face.

There are enough people looking to put us down for our beliefs. The need to do this among ourselves should not occur. Work on your self esteem so that you do not feel the need to "always be right". Going off on a tirade does not prove that you are much of a person. Allowing others to be themselves is the mark of a true adult.

September 29, 2008

The Desire To Serve

Submission is something that is entirely personal to a sub/slave. The depth which one is willing to go varies greatly from person-to-person. There are many who want to live in 24/7; serving around the clock. Then there are those who only want this situation occasionally. This is one of the wonderful aspects of the BDSM world. It allows for great flexibility among those who are involved.

The desire to serve is something that comes from deep within one, in my opinion. Many cannot understand this aspect of a person. Obviously, this is not something that society promotes. Control and power are the qualities that it says are important. You are a success only to the degree that these are achieved. However, submission is a characteristic that is admirable. The selfless giving of oneself to another is to be cherished.

I speak often to many who are not in this lifestyle. In days past, I tried to explain the position that a sub/slave takes. I did my best to relate the experiences and feelings of those who I interacted with over the years. Yet, never was I able to convey it to these people. Simply, they did not get it. Nor would they ever. It is not something that the average person can comprehend. To them it is a foreign concept. "I would never submit to a man" or "My man needs to listen to me" are sentences I heard. These people wanted to retain the power and control.

Does this make them wrong? Not at all. These individuals did not have the overwhelming desire to serve another. My experience leads me to believe that only a small percentage of the population falls into this category. Perhaps it is a bit larger when you look at the many who lovingly serve their children. However, this is a great deal different than serving a Dom/Master. The ones who are able to submit to this degree seem small as compared to the general population.

Service is something that should be admired. We take it for granted as a quality. Sadly, those who perform that work in our culture are looked down upon. They are the ones on the lower rung of society. Choosing to live the life of a submissive is a terrific way to fulfill your inner desire. It is something that one need not be shameful about. And, it certainly is not a sign of weakness. Many make this mistake. There is nothing more powerful than one living his or her life in the way that it was meant to be. It takes courage to do the inner search to arrive at the conclusion that W/we all do. Most tend to follow the values and virtues of what society itself is promoting. To me, this is cowardice. Choose to live the life the way that your inner core tells you to. It is the path to happiness. Hopefully, BDSM is the way that provides your answer.

September 28, 2008

Dealing With Personalities

This can be a Dom/Master's biggest challenge. Every person has a different personality. This creates an interesting situation when multiple subs/slaves are involved. The One who is dealing with these individuals needs to be flexible in His or Her approach. Unfortunately, there is not a "one size fits all" for dealing with different personalities.

I witness Many who prefer to believe that there is only one way to deal with subs. This is incorrect. A sub/slave enters into a relationship with many different experiences. These all need to be taken into consideration when interacting with each one. Failure to do so can cause irreversible harm to that person.

Past abuse is certainly a common area that needs attention. Many (women especially) were abused sexually. This is not something that is only within the BDSM community but, rather, society in general. Some are fortunate enough to get the counseling needed to overcome these experiences. However, the vast percentage do not. This is something a Dom/Master should consider when interacting with this individual. For example, I had one who suffered abuse from her father as a child. With her, the use of blindfolds was out since she would go back to that time whenever she could not see. It was an adjustment I made to keep her in the present moment during our scenes together.

Another aspect that needs to be examined is the experience level of the one that is involved. Obviously, my approach will change when dealing with someone who lived in the lifestyle versus someone new. I have different expectations based upon the experience. At the same time, depending upon the treatment of her past Doms/Masters, I might have to undo a lot of misinformation. There are so many people pretending to be in this lifestyle who end up abusing another. A good Dom/Master will delve into one's past to see how she was treated.

The final item that I will mention is regarding self esteem. Again, I do not believe the percentage in any different in the BDSM world compared to society at large, but many You will deal with have low self worth. Most people grow up be programmed to believe they are not good enough. This comes from parents, peers, religion, and teachers. Even when not intentional, many adults will transfer their own lack of esteem onto a child. The results are obvious. One needs to be mindful of this when dealing with a sub/slave. Choosing to submit is not a sign of weakness; rather strength. Anyone who is following his or her inner calling is one worthy of praise and admiration. One should focus attention on this fact on a regular basis.

There are an assortment of other ways that subs/slaves differ. Identifying the needs of each is a major responsibility of a Dom/Master. It is important to contour the training to matching these needs of each. If not, the relationship is usually doomed to fail. In my experience, the ones that succeed are those where the needs of one is fulfilled while his or her talents are used to maximum potential. Treat each as an individual will increase the chances of this occurring.

September 25, 2008

Knowing Your Place

Many to relish the idea of submission. It is an ideal fantasy. I see this commonly among those who are being trained online. While I like the benefits of the Internet and what it does for our lifestyle, it also has led many to believe that is reality. Real world is substantially different than online. Anyone who lived as a sub for even a few days realizes this.

A sub's answer is "Yes, Sir" or "Yes, Ma'am". The BDSM world is one that centers around an exchange of power. In the Master/slave, it is a total exchange. At the same time, the D/s relationship has a complete exchange of power in those areas that are agreed upon. Regardless of the makeup, this premise is the focal point of the relationship. In fact, it is what separates it from traditional relationships.

It is common for a sub to forget his/her place. Societal training leads us to the point where we are taught to be self sufficient and that we have a say. A sub cedes this in BDSM. It is not his or her place to say anything. The Dom/Master is the one in control. It is the responsibility of a sub to obey.

This situation always brings up the point of hard limits. Do they really exist and, if so, what are they? Obviously, there needs to be some limits which are non-negotiable. Anything that involves children is naturally off limits. The same goes for abuse. While many subs enjoy pain, there is no need to beat him or her to the point of needing medical attention. This is a limit that One should not get to. These are a couple of examples of hard limits.

Notice that each of those limits is basically a societal/human decency item. We do not promote the use of violence or death. This is in line with what society believes. However, to me, that is the extent of hard limits. A sub, once submitted, agrees to follow the dictates of the Dom/Master. This is non-negotiable. "No" is not in the vocabulary. It is really disappointing when a sub believes that he/she has a say in what transpires. Too many believe they still have the right to say "No".

I will acknowledge that this lifestyle is completely voluntary. Nobody can be forced into it (society disagrees with that also). However, once someone agrees to the premise of our life, it is time to adhere to the proper protocol. This is determined by the ground rules established by the One in charge. To do anything different strikes at the foundation of what this life is all about.

My feeling is that if you want to retain control, stay in the traditional arena. Many are attracted to some aspect of the BDSM world while not really belonging. Again, it is more of a fantasy to them. Sadly, misinformation is often one of the main culprits. They are mislead into believing that BDSM is a life where all is merry. Life is still life. This is something that nobody can avoid. Adding the pressure of keeping a Dom/Master happy often becomes too much. The fantasy quickly turns into a nightmare. Consider this before delving into it. Many will expect you to know your place.

September 22, 2008

The BDSM Scene

The "scene" is the most basic component in the BDSM lifestyle. We often talk about the lifestyle and all the different facets to it. However, when we break it all down, the scene is what really inspires us. This is what the general public often pictures when they think of the BDSM world.

I take great pain to help people enter this way of life with an open set of eyes. It is easy to be led astray with all the misinformation that is out there. The Internet is full of ideas that lead to pain and hurt. That being said, it is also healthy to mention what many consider the most exciting part of BDSM.

The scene is the interaction between two or more people. Typically, it occurs between a Dom and sub. The "dungeon" scene is the most famous image that is promoted. It is a visual that really shows the separation between the One in control and the one who submitted. The fact that the dungeon scene also has an element that is raw to it makes it exciting for many.

People who are in BDSM really can allow their natural traits to emerge during the scene. To me, it is the most basic way to show my dominance. At the same time, subs mentioned it is where they really experience being controlled by another. There is something about being able to do anything physically or sexually to another that stimulates these juices within us. Of course, safety remains a standard concern at all times (you didn't think I would skip over that, did you?).

The scene can occur within the bounds of a relationship or can be the basis for getting together. Often, a scene will develop at a party where there is a room set up with all the accessories. It is not uncommon to see a Dominatrix working on a sub she just met. Depending upon the "accessories" available, this can be a time when fantasies are fulfilled. Many like to be tied to benches, crosses, or other types of BDSM furniture. A variety of other accessories are used such as floggers, whips, paddles, and dildos. The scene might include sex but not always. It is up to the participants to decide what they want (ahead of time). Depending on the knowledge the two have of each other, there are rules agreed to including the use of safe words.

The scene is designed for one thing: pure pleasure. Both parties really can fulfill their basic dominating or submissive nature. It is the time where all inhibitions are cast aside. Remember safety but then, after that, seek out maximum pleasure.

September 21, 2008

Rope Tying

My entry into the BDSM world exposed one glaring aspect of my upbringing-the fact that I was never a boyscout. Growing up, this is something that I never partook in. However, I see many who are in the BDSM lifestyle who are better served for being involved in this organization. Those individuals seem to excel at knot tying, a crucial aspect of the BDSM scene.

I will admit to you that I am terrible at tying knots. This is something that I never was able to master. I can tie a double and, perhaps, a slip knot. That is the extent of my expertise. Thankfully, cuffs can serve the same purpose in most situations.

For those who are frequent readers of this blog, you already know how safety is one of the most vital aspects of our way of life. Everything needs to take a backseat to this concept. When dealing with rope, one needs to take all precautions to prevent injury to a sub. Remember, that person is putting his or her trust in You.

Those who were in the Boy Scouts are adept at playing with rope. So, too, are those who sail. However, for the rest of us, understanding the basic of how to safely utilize rope is crucial. Circulation is crucial to avoiding injury to another. For this reason, an understanding of the circulatory system is also helpful. I would recommend reading some basic medical texts to get an idea of the different pressure points in the body (and you thought you were just going to get your kink on). A rope that cuts of one's circulation can cause permanent nerve damage.

The BDSM scene is something that is enjoyable for both parties. However, approaching it in a safe manner is something that all need to consider.

September 18, 2008

Looking Past The Sex

Many are attracted to the lifestyle initially because of the sexual aspect. Some submissives crave being taken and used sexually. Simultaneously, many Masters love the idea of having one at His complete disposal. To have someone obey His every sexual whim is something that is appealing to a Master. However, anyone who is involved in this for any length of time will know there is a great deal more to the lifestyle than that.

I meet many who claim to have the desire of being a 24/7 slave. The tendency is for them to focus on the sexual aspect. They love the idea of being "taken" at any time while used as a complete pleasure toy. Serving their Master for His pleasure is their goal. However, many fail to visualize past the sex part.

What does being a 24/7 entail? Sexual submission is certainly part of it. However, there are many more aspects which one should consider. While many will talk about pleasure versus domestic slaves, in reality, they tend to be one in the same. Some will take sex slaves periodically. Yet, this is usually not under the 24/7 category. A slave is used however a Master chooses. There are times where He seeks pleasure while wanting His domestic affairs attended to.

When one is looking at the 24/7 lifestyle, one must consider what it is like to be a domestic slave. A slave's time is spent more on satisfying her Master in that area than is spent in sexual activities. Are you one who desires to spend your evenings after work cooking, cleaning, and other tedious tasks. Those with the "homemaking" mentality will not have a problem with this. Some who have a more wild spirit might resist this change.

Another thing to consider is doing without your Master's attention. Many fail to understand that once one submits, she is without any rights. Ponder how big a statement that is. If a Master elects to focus His attention on other areas of His life, that is how it will be. Can you accept waiting at home for Him while He is out? Are you one who cannot live without the constant contact of your Master? This might be a real possibility.

I write this without the intention of trying to dissuade anyone from entering the M/s world. Yet I feel it necessary that one goes into this with a full awareness of what life could be like. The polyanna attitude will only work for so long. Ensuring that a M/s relationship survives requires effort, work, and realistic expectations. Knowing oneself while understand how you will react in certain situations helps to prepare one for what occurs.

Implementing BDSM into a Relationship

You were reading this blog for the last few months and have decided this is something that you are interested in trying. How do you go about getting involved? What do you do to entice your partner into trying this also?

To begin, it is important to know what it is that attracted you. Honest self-appraisal is the first step in your journey. Are you submissive? Dominant? What limits do you see yourself having? Is this something that you might want to make as a full-time lifestyle or do you like the idea of being in a scene? The answers to these questions will help to guide you.

For those in relationships, communication is the key. Bringing this up to your partner might encounter some resistance. As we mentioned numerous times, there is a lot of prejudice and misconception out there. It is likely your significant other harbors many of these same ideas. So expressing to him or her why you want to do this is important.

The best way is to start slow. It is not suggested that you go out and replace your entire wardrobe with leather. Nor do you want to create a dungeon in your home; at least not initially. Look for ways to implement BDSM into your daily life. You might want to talk to your partner about adding a bit of bondage or impact play into your next sexual encounter. If you want to start outside the bedroom, have the dominant One begin to lay down some ground rules. Use terms like Sir or Madam in situations where you are alone. Perhaps you might like to adopt a subservient position by sitting at his or her feet while watching television. All of these things create a shift in power. Turning one's power over to a Dom is a fundamental step in the BDSM community.

Education is a powerful tool. Even as you are starting to do some of these things, continue to read and grow. Check back to this forum or my alternate one (click here) each day for new information. It is often helpful to sign up for forum to interact with others already living this way of life. There are many free ones available; you just need to register to be able to post (click here for mine). This will allow you to post questions that you might have. Finally, have fun with it. Resist the temptation to put too much pressure on yourself. This is a fun way to live. Life is tough enough on its' own. There is no need to add to the stress level. Enjoy yourself.

September 15, 2008


Many like the idea of owning someone 24/7. This is a concept that gets the imagination stirring. The first place people tend to jump is into the sexual arena. They love the idea of being able to take one sexually whenever, wherever, and however He or She sees fit. Also, it is almost equally appealing to consider what it is like to have one wait on you however you determine.

What many fail to consider is the responsibility that goes along with being in this position. Control equates to a lot of responsibility. The one in control needs to be responsible for all that occurs. A sub/slave cannot assume responsibility for the direction of what occurs if he/she submits fully. This is a part of the submission process. The exchange of power is complete.

Safety is the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking about the BDSM relationship. This applies regardless of what type of relationship it is. The one in control is responsible for ensuring the safety of His/Her sub. This really becomes important when the relationship is relegated only to a scene. The Dom/Domme is the One who makes sure the sub is safe, both physically and mentally.

A 24/7 relationship carries a host of other responsibilities that most overlook. While many can work, it ultimately is the Dom/Master who needs to provide for His/Her one. This includes providing the guidance required to move the relationship forward. Leadership is one of the qualities which a person in this position needs. One looks to maximize the capabilities of His/Her sub. Being able to size up the potential of one is another important factor. What is he/she best suited to do? This is a question many fail to look at.

There are times when being a Dom/Master is extremely difficult. Many seem to go into the relationship not knowing what to expect. I must tell you that the BDSM relationship is not a bowl of cherries. There are many issues One needs to deal with. For both a Dom and sub, there is a reality which differs greatly from the fantasy portrayed online. It is best to learn the facts before accepting another's submission. Being in control means being responsible.

Sexual Freedom

What are you in the mood for? This is one of the primary benefits of a sexually free lifestyle. You can do whatever you desire so long as it is legal. Many of us in the BDSM way of life know the benefits of fulfilling our sexual whims. Literally, what is a fantasy for others is a regular part of our life.

Being a Dom allows me to exert control and influence in a manner that I desire. Of course, the mutual payoff exists. It is exciting to see the pleasure one (or more) receives from pleasuring Me. A submissive craves being used in a manner which satisfies her Dom. Using one in this capacity stimulates the dominant streak to the max.

We get to decide what our pleasure is. Group sex is a consistent part of my reality. I do the things that other in my office only dream of. Is it Me? No, it is the result of choosing a lifestyle which partners Me with people who are equally as driven. Sexual freedom is something that few can imagine. When you do meet up with those who think the same way, the world is at your doorstep. All the societal morays are removed. Pleasure is what we seek.

BDSM is more than just whips and leather. It is a total way of life. Sexually, we are some of the most diverse people. We like everything from straight one-on-one to orgies to bondage to extreme. There is nothing that is left unimagined. If you can think of it, we probably tried it. Join this way of life to open yourself up to all that it has to offer.

September 13, 2008


This is a point that many miss; especially newer people who are concerned with doing everything the correct way. We often use the term "lifestyle" when describing this way of life. That is because for many of us, it is just that. However, as I mention repeatedly, the BDSM world is wide and varied. Many choose to only partake in certain aspects of it. How one implements this in his or her life is a personal matter.

Society has a way of wanting to remove the fun out of sex. I will not engage in that debate here. Nevertheless, certain sectors of our culture want to trivialize the sexual experience. At the same time, these same people use terms to belittle those who live in a different manner. People are often called queer, perverted, sick, etc... The "moralists" believe they know how people should behave.

Fortunately, those of us who chose this as a way of life care little what those people think. This is part of the freedom that it offers. It seems that while we are happy to engage in bondage, we do so less than society in general. BDSM is the breaking free from the bondage of limiting ideas. Your sex life is suppose to be fun. It is something for you to enjoy to the fullest. If something interests you, while not hurting another person, why shouldn't you be allowed to participate. That is what we strive for with BDSM. It is a voluntary way of life.

So here is my suggestion: relax. Being new to something is never easy. Yet, we were all new to BDSM at some point. The experience holds freedom and excitement if you are willing to participate. For me, it starts with the understanding that you are here to enjoy yourself. BDSM is fun. Always remember that.

September 7, 2008

Erotic Humiliation For Pleasure

This is something that we discussed a few times on this blog. It is one of the main components of many BDSM relationships. The majority of interactions, whether it is a single scene or a long term relationship, has this as a part of the play. It is a wonderful way to create the hierarchy that is necessary in any BDSM interaction.

Erotic humiliation is the act of verbally or physically embarrassing another. It is a technique that many Doms/Masters utilize for added pleasure. This is also something that I found many subs enjoy. As mentioned, it is a way that the Dom/Master asserts more control.

Calling one names that are degrading is something that is not condoned within our society. People are taught from a young age to not let others treat them in this manner. That all changes within the BDSM community. There are many who enjoy the degrading treatment which comes from a Dom/Master. To them, it can be a badge of honor.

Submission is something that most cannot understand. Many who look at our way of life from the outside cannot understand how one can give his or her power to another. Of course, anyone who submitted understands completely. Along those lines, many subs enjoy being called terms which are considered degrading by those on the outside. It is added stimulation for both partners. Personally, I like the feeling of control which comes from calling one such "taboo" terms. I imagine the subs feel the same way from the opposite perspective.

As you know by now, I am big on safety. The mental makeup of a sub is very important before engaging in this form of play. If one is not stable mentally, it is best to avoid this entirely. The line between play and degradation will get blurred if she is not of sound mind. This is something reserved only for those who can handle it.

September 6, 2008

Adding Some Kink

The "kinkiness" of the BDSM lifestyle is one of the things that appeals most to me. I love the versatility that this way of life offers. There are so many that I encounter who's sex lives are boring. For whatever reason, they will not stray from what they know.

To me, sex is suppose to be fun and exciting. The experimental aspect of it is one of the factors which make it so. I love to try new things. At the same time, I really enjoy helping others discover what BDSM can offer them. There are so many different facets which will liven up anyone's sex life.

So, where do you begin? I would say that learning a bit about the different areas is a good starting point. Look back over your fantasies to see what it is that you like. What have you always wanted to try? Perhaps you like the idea of being tied up. Or, maybe a good spanking is to your liking? Does the idea of domination or submission appeal to you? Where can you see "puppy" play fitting into your sex life? These are some of the things that will enhance what you enjoy with your partner.

Do not feel the need to go to the extreme end of the lifestyle immediately. Many feel that they need to be "leather" within a week of being introduced to this way of life. Nothing could be further from the truth. BDSM offers the opportunity for anyone to create a life that is appropriate for him or her. What others do is irrelevant. The important factor is what you enjoy and the level that you feel comfortable with.

Begin by experimenting with different things. Go online and read about different factors of the BDSM way of life. Start by implementing what interests you. Of course, communicate all your desires to your partner. Communication is one of the most critical components when trying new things. Make sure that both of you are on the same page. Safety is always at the top of our list. And most of all, have fun.

September 3, 2008

A New BDSM Book of Poems

This is for all those who love the BDSM lifestyle and poetry. It is a book of over 100 poems about life as a slave as recited to me by one with more than 20 years in the lifestyle. Many found it moving in our test research as I am sure you will also. Here is a sampling of one:

He is Master as she is slave
He is Strong as she needs His strength
He is Wise as she needs His wisdom
He is Kind as she needs His kindness
He is Loving as she needs His love
He is Teacher as she needs to learn
He is Trusting as she needs His trust
He is Master as she is slave

He is Master as she is slave
He is Truth as she needs the truth
He is Punishment as she needs the lessons
He is Honest as she needs honesty
He is Laughter as she need to laugh
He is Comfort as she needs to cry
He is Safety as she needs to be safe
He is Master as she is slave

He is Master as she is slave
He is Map as she finds her way
He is Light as she needs to see
He is Food as she needs to feed
He is Answers as she asks the questions
He is Knowledge as she to know
He is Reward as she needs to be rewarded
He is Master as she is His

Check out this exciting new book "Words of Submission" here.

September 1, 2008

Don’t Expect Them To Understand

As we mentioned repeatedly, the world of BDSM is varied and diverse. There are many avenues for one to pursue. However, whatever your choice might be, do not expect others outside the lifestyle to understand. There are certain things pertaining to this way of life that are beyond comprehension by those who are not involved. Part of this stems from the inability to articulate why we do some of the things that we do.

This misunderstanding can also occur within the lifestyle. There are so many facets that it gets difficult to comprehend some of what others do. For me, I still cannot grasp the concept of submission. I am a Dom so this is to be expected. Theoretically, I get the inner need to serve another. Yet the feeling obviously eludes me. The same can occur when a sub/slave encounters a “pain slut”. One who enjoys pain is foreign to those who do not. It is a stark difference within the lifestyle.

I had the experience of trying to explain to one outside this way of life why a slave does what she does. The end result was that this woman did not understand. Fortunately, I did not expect her to . I knew that this was something that was beyond her grasp. Her viewpoint matches that held by 99% of the women out there. However, the 1% (Or whatever the percentage is) who are slaves understand completely.

I wrote in past it is often best to not mention one’s choice of entering into BDSM. Sadly, it is something that is still misunderstood. This is especially true for anyone who is involved in the M/s aspect of this life. That is the reason why I wrote An Owned Life, in an effort to clear up some misconception. Nevertheless, there is still a stigma that is applied to those who live this way.

August 31, 2008

The Freedom of BDSM

One of my highest values in life is freedom. Many talk about this concept yet few realize it. A lot of us are slaves to our jobs. We show up each day so that we are able to meet our financial responsibilities. At the same time, we are continually influenced by the beliefs and ideas of society. It is this conditioning that steals our freedom.

BDSM is something that is frowned upon by the “normal” people. Those who partake in this way of life are viewed as perverted and sick. That is the generally accepted belief. However, those involved have chosen to live in a manner which is accepting to them. This choice is the path to freedom.

The technique of erotic humiliation is a prime example of how we can reject commonly accepted principles. “Degrading” another is frowned upon in this era. Calling someone a name such as slut, whore, bitch, or piece of meat is often met with an angry reaction. Society trains us to believe this is wrong. However, there are many who really enjoy this technique. This degradation really enhances their pleasure, especially during sex.

BDSM is something that is considered non-mainstream, thus making us non-conformists. Most of us know the price we paid trying to conform. Society tells us that relationships need to take on a certain look. It is between a man and a woman who interact until they decide it is time to make the lifelong commitment. This is the prevailing model for relationships. Of course, this is a mold that many of us did not fit into. We discovered there was always something “wrong” or “missing” when we tried to live according to the commonly accepted belief.

I know that BDSM is not for everyone. At the same time, I believe this is also true for a traditional relationship. There are many who are ideally suited for BDSM, yet succumb to the pressure of society. Submissiveness is a quality that is deemed a sign of weakness. Making the decision to be involved in BDSM opens up one to rejection by family and friends. Nevertheless, it is also one that leads down the path to freedom.

BDSM is right for some people. Many of us know the feeling of “being home” when we accept this as a part of our life. Getting in touch with that inner core which tells us that we are either dominant or submissive while giving us an avenue to satisfy that inner calling is a wonderful feeling. Living life according to what is true for oneself is what freedom is. And, this is what the BDSM lifestyle offers.

Referenced :

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