May 31, 2010

Attitude When Serving

Service is at the core of the BDSM relationship. Regardless of how it is structured, those who submit to another do so with the intention of providing some service to the dominant person. This could be limited only to certain areas as in the instance of many D/s situations or it can affect every aspect of one's life as in M/s. Service is an important component that too many overlook but it is a part of all successful BDSM relationships.

Obey Obey Obey

This is a mantra that is drilled into the head of every submissive type. You cannot travel anywhere on the internet, to any lifestyle site without the topic of obedience being mentioned. Most posts somehow revolve around this subject. Those who want to be "bratty" write how they will disobey on purpose at times. The intention is to get the Dom/Master riled up. This is nothing more than acting like an imp; behavior we expect out of a child.

Without obedience there is no exchange of power. Anyone who exercises the right to decide what she will or will not is maintaining control. This is taking a dominant stance. Some will term this "topping from the bottom". However it is classified, the fact is that submission entails ceding control and power over to another. When one is told to do something, it is his or her place to obey. Obviously, this is an theme that is oft repeated on most sites.

Just Do It?

Nike likes to state "Just Do It". I uttered these words on more than one occasion with my slave also. There are times where a Dom/Master gets tired of the sass and is left with no option but to say "do it". However, this brings up a larger issue: what precedes getting to this point? Typically there is some type of confrontation because the submissive is refusing to do as instructed. It might be a case where he/she is being impish or there could be an outright defiance. Naturally, I am referring to those situations where one is not being put in peril but following through.

When an interaction reaches this point, the submissive will usually take the action that is required. Often this involves the carrying of an attitude. Again, we see this behavior in children when they are told to do something they do not want to do. Tell him or her to go clean the toys off the floor before going outside to play and you will get an argument followed by a distasteful "fine". The action gets completed but with attitude.

How It Is Done

I do not believe that most people like tension. Whenever one resists doing what is instructed when in a relationship of this type, tension is the result. He or she follows through with the action but, like the child, has a distasteful attitude. Oftentimes, this will carry on for a period of time throughout the day ruining other interactions.

Therefore, one must tend to the attitude which one has. The fact is that all of us have actions we take which we do not like. I detest paying bills because I prefer the money in my bank account as opposed to giving it away. Yet I like to have my electric, internet, and servers online. Thus I pay the bill in exchange for the services rendered to me. It is not my favorite thing to do but it must be done. I have the choice of having a miserable attitude towards it or getting it done and move on. If I opt for the former, I will affect everyone around me. Tension will increase with anyone who I interact with. The bill paying process becomes something that bleeds over into other areas of my life until I decide to change my attitude.

This illustration should make it clear how a submissive's attitude makes a difference. Getting the required task completed is only part of the deal. The attitude one approaches things is what really makes the difference. One can serve but how many are willing to happily serve? Forcing one to get things completed wears on a dominant one after a time. This might be one of the reasons for the short live span of many BDSM relationships. Continual fighting and friction is not healthy for any time of relationship and tends to short the life of it.

Attitude is a difference maker. Remember this the next time you are instructed to do something that you detest. Maintaining a poor attitude will seep into other areas. And this is a terrific way to ruin both your and your Dom's day.

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May 29, 2010

Warning Signs

Many make mention of how there seems only to be fakes and pretenders within the lifestyle. Travel through any lifestyle related dating website and you will see numerous profiles complaining about all the games being played. Obviously, there is a valid reason since I hypothesize that most of the people online a not what they claim to be. Anyone who has done any online interaction knows what it is like encounter these type of people. The wake of misery and hurt is well publicized.

However, I found that much of the same thing exists in real time interaction. Many of these same people also attend their local munches. I will state that these type of people aren't outright fakes. Instead, I believe they fall into the category of being misinformed. Their statements are genuinely what they believe yet they truly do not reflect reality.


This is a quality I see in many "slaves" and one that is a warning sign for any potential suitor. Never have I seen a successful slave who was selfish and thought only about her. Yet, I encounter so many who state they are submissive while thinking only about themselves. To me, this breeds conflict.

I wrote the other day about one who was behaving in this manner while "under consideration" by another. When one insists on meeting friends, changing plans, and forces the One to make all the contact, there is an immediate problem. This is the time when one really wants to put her best foot forward. Failing to contact the one who is considering you shows a complete lack of interest. Therefore, whatever you stated to him/her to garner attention is untrue. You are not seeking to live in this manner. A person in this mindset is still determined to retain control. Selfishness is not conducive to being a good slave.

Lack of Decisiveness

On the flip side, a "dominant" who lacks the ability to make a decision is also raising a red flag. There are many who like to term themselves "Master". However, few have the actual ability to live in this manner. The online crowd believes that domination simply means that another will do whatever he or she wants sexually. This person envisions having all his/her sexual fantasies fulfilled. Sadly for that person, there is a great deal more than that to being a Master.

Another red flag is raised when you look at a person's life. For example, if one claims to be dominant and wanting to control another, is his or her life a total mess? Many who talk the talk fall short when one seeks out proof. How can one expect to run another's life when he cannot run his own? Looking at the circumstances surrounding a person offers great insight into how he or she is.

Listen to Them

Warning signs are there for a reason. They are meant to be followed. Ignoring what is being presented will inevitably lead to hurt and pain. If something seems out of sorts, there is a terrific chance that it is. The old saying, "where there is smoke there is fire". Old sayings are around because they inevitably are true. Warning signs are the smoke.

Lack of congruence is something that everyone needs to watch for. Many will state they want ___________. The proof is in their actions. Does what they do match up to their statement of wanting ___________? In the mentioned example, when a person says that she wants to live as a slave, but then engages in behavior that is completely focused upon herself, is that congruent? Most would not think so. The fact is this person missed something fairly basic about this aspect of the lifestyle. Stating that one wants to serve is not the same as doing it. Actions will always speak louder.

Ultimately, these tidbits will save you a lot of time. Being able to flush out those who are not suited for what you are seeking is an invaluable tool to have. Time and lack of misery are priceless. Be mindful of the warning signs that appear.

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May 26, 2010

Missing Opportunities

Just when I think I have an understanding of how people are, I am amazed at the lengths people will go to keep their illusions alive. There was one who I chatted with the other day who literally made me shake my head. How can one not see what was right in front of her?

Long Distance Relationships

Everyone knows the difficulty in dealing with long distance relationships. This is not something that is exclusive to the BDSM community. Many have separation for their loved ones for reasons beyond their control. There are men and women fighting in distant lands fulfilling their military commitments while leaving behind lovers and children. At the same time, people are off in foreign lands working to provide an income for their families. These people can attest to the turmoil faced when trying to live with this separation. Sustaining a relationship is not easy.

Love is a part of many BDSM relationships. The feelings expereince with this life are the very same as those in the vanilla world. It is just as easy to be attached to a Master as it is a husband. In fact, it is not uncommon for Master/Dom and slave/sub to be married. Carrying on a BDSM relationship when there is separation is equally as difficult. The one left behind is responsible for handling all the household details. This can really be trying depending upon that person's position. A submissive is suddenly in charge of everything with the responsibility of making the decions which formerly the dominant one made. Simply, we see another layer of tension added to the equation.

The Online Dilemma

Many get involved in online relationships as their entry into this lifestyle. Without going into detail about the practicality of this or not, I will state this is instantly establishing a long distant relationship. The idea that one is starting out long distance makes the chances of success that much less. Many long term relationships succumb to the difficulties of distance even with a firm foundation in place. Adding the "factor" makes things remarkably more challenging.

That is not to say that many relationships did not get their start online and move into real time. However, the truth is that this medium allows for so much misinformation and misdirection. Scammers, con artists, and outright liars are plentiful. We see this in much of the spam we receive; offers of millions of dollars if we help the Prince of ABC country get out with the $35 million. In the end, there is no way of knowing whether someone is exactly what they proclaim.

Even if they are real, the problem arises in that one is instantly in a long distance situation. This is a situation that can be overcome with time and a willingness to relocate. However, I see so many who are "married" to the idea of one day being with this person that they completely overlook those who are geographically close. As I travel around the different BDSM dating sites, I often wonder how many of those who are "owned" are actually dealing with someone who is in the same zip code. The sad truth is that I believe most are involved in long distance online deals. While they are messing around with someone they probably will never meet, they are perhaps passing on potential opportunities right under their nose.

Taken To An Extreme

I encountered a situation that was taken to an extreme. Talk about someone who is holding out for a long shot. The situation was one where she was actually released since her "Master" was heading overseas. Evidently he had a dangerous job since there is no guarantee that he would survive (part of his reasoning for letting her go).

The woman who was left behind continually wonders why she has so much trouble finding someone to be with. She repeatedly talks about all the fakes she encounters. What this woman does not realize is that she cannot serve two Masters. She claims that her heart only belongs to him and she is hers if he ever returned. Obviously, her loyalty is something to be complimented. However, I would say that the fact that he let her go is his way of saying "move on".

What is the correct action for this woman? Naturally, I cannot answer that question. Each person is responsible for their own lives and doing what makes them happy. Perhaps remaining true to him is the best choice for her with a huge reward at the end. Certainly, if that is what gets her to the level of joy in her life, I hope it happens for her.

Nevertheless, what I can say is that most Doms/Masters seek to have loyalty and commitment from those who submit to them. The idea of one being "torn" will not sit well with most in my opinion. I can foresee many getting involved with her for play and to scene with. However, anyone who is seeking a relationship built around BDSM, especially M/s, is going to question her position. Loyalty cannot be divided. Therefore, this person's decision to have someone overseas "hold her heart" is causing her to miss opportunities here. Again, she might be making the absolute best choice. Then again, she might not be. I guess only time will tell on that matter.

Consider the full implications when you are dealing with someone from another part of the country (world). Ask yourself if there is something that you are giving up by committing to something that has a minimal chance of working out based upon the law of averages. Perhaps you might be better served waiting a little longer. Missed opportunities can be costly.

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For The Dabblers

I write a great deal about M/s and some of the more extreme facets of this lifestyle. I do this in an effort to clear up a lot of misconceptions that exist out there. However, unlike many, I believe this lifestyle is open to a wide range of people. There are so many various facets that people can choose to be involved with. Therefore, I am going to expand the focus today to all those who are interested in some things that are less extreme.

There Is No Right Way

I see this occur in the M/s realm but it equally applies to all areas. Many seem to think there is a write way to approach BDSM. My feeling is the only wrong approach is to attempt to be something that you are not. As long as you are being true to yourself, whatever you decide is perfectly acceptable. Too many feel that they must be something different. Subs want to be slaves because they believe a slave is better. This is only true if one is capable of being a slave. If he or she is not, then a sub is the better alternative.

Many feel they need to delve into BDSM all the way. That is another fallacy that is espoused by the internet. There is nothing wrong with someone dabbling in this way of life. I surmise the largest percentage of people only engage in minor BDSM activities. In fact, most do not consider themselves a part of the BDSM world. Nevertheless, you will see that many vanilla people actually partake to a degree.

There are hundreds of thousands of couples who like to add some spice to their sex lives. I believe most experimented with the lighter side of things a few times. Is there anyone out there who hasnt spanked or been spanked during a sexual interlude. Along the same lines, how many people tied their partner up during sex? Again, I conclude that most people tried these things at least once.


For many this is an accurate statement. Simply put, they want more out of sex. As mentioned, this is an acceptable approach if this is what a person is seeking. Having "kinky sex" is a worthwhile approach to BDSM. Many of us who are into this a lot deeper enjoy that aspect of things. However, the issue arises when people think that sex is all there is to BDSM. But for those just seeking this, it is a wonderful way to liven things up in the bedroom.

Role playing is another form that many participate in yet fail to consider that it is a form of BDSM. Many will play roles such as cop/prisoner, truck driver/ hitchhiker, etc... These roles contain domination and submissive qualities to them. The couple is engaging in a power exchange during their "scene". Few will consider it this but it is what they are actually participating in. We see the kink factor increased by implementing some BDSM.

Room For Everyone

Whatever your flavor is, there is room enough for everyone. Many seem to believe that this way of life is only for those who want to be "lifestylers". That is a misconception. People are free to shape their relationships however they see fit. If a little extra kink is what they are after, how can anyone else judge that? There is no "one size fits all " plan. Each person is free to explore any aspect of this life that interests them.

One final thought: almost everyone starts off their experience with BDSM by dabbling. Most people start off in the vanilla world then add a bit of kink. Upon further exploration, they delve into some of the deeper aspects of domination and submission. The point is that ignoring the dabblers might mean we are missing some of the future Masters and slaves. One never knows the extent one will go to until actually experiencing some aspects of this life. The more the merrier in my opinion.

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May 24, 2010

Actions Matching Words

As I journey aroung the World Wide Web, I notice many who complain about all the fakes that are involved in this lifestyle. I sincerely believe if one person says something, it is an opinon. However, when many people state the same thing, it starts to become consensus. Thus, I do agree that there are many pretenders who are flirting with this way of life.

That being said, it is understandable for people to be "gunshy" of newer ones. The tendency is not to give people the benefit of the doubt but to presume guilt immediately. The defenses are instantly up in an effort to protect oneself. This is a natural process for anyone who experiened the lies and manipulation of the fakes.

Real But No Congruent

I am going to shift the focus away from the fakes since it is not the basis of this article. The point is raised to make one aware of the mindset that many people have when dealing with others. There are a lot of games played online and many are leery. This is something to overcome when you are dealing with someone new. Each of your actions must align with what you are stating.

This leads us to those who are honestly interested in this lifestyle. They are not pretenders since their desire is genuine. While there is a chance their ideas are a bit misguided, they will be true in their statements and intentions.

However, the million dollar dilemma is how can anyone know one's sincerity with his/her intentions? The fakes present a convincing argument as to the validity of their desires. Anyone who experienced the process of dealing with one of these individuals knows how easy it is to buy into what they are stating. This puts those who are truly seeking a BDSM relationship at greater risk of not being believed.

Therefore, we turn to the actions of a person to determine what they are after. It is easy to write or state what you are wanting; it is a completely different manner in getting your actions to align with those statements. Those who are genuine do their best to make all things match up. The fakes will state one thing while doing something completely opposite. In the end, their actions do not coincide.

Congruence is something that all should look for. And, it is something that you should pay attention to when trying to attract the interest of another. Without it, I would say the chances of success are minimized.

Consideration Period

Many will use this term which describes the timeframe which a sub or slave is considered by a Dom/Master. Basically, it is a getting to know period. This is where limits are established, common interests revealed, and the overall interaction is formulated. It is a "BDSM dating" period.

This is the time when one wants to make a terrific impression. Of course, this only happens with those who are truly genuine in their intentions. The fakes could care less about making an impression since there no desire to move forward. Real people want to move the relationship to another level if there is a basis for doing so.

I believe errors made during this time are what causes a great deal of heartache. Many fail to realize the importance of seeking congruence at this stage. If that person is a dominant, he or she buys into the words while ignoring the actions. This is where the fakes excel. Anyone who falls into this trap will find pain shortly thereafter. When the actions fail to match the words, often there is a reason for concern. While there is a chance the person is a bit "flighty", there is a better chance a reason exists for the difference. At a minimum, further questioning is needed.

On the submissive side, those seeking another push people away without realizing how they are doing it. Again, many who experienced the fakes are on guard. The defenses are up. Whenever a lack of congruence is noticed, this prevents further penetration. Many will pull back at this point believing you are just another pretender playing games. Have you ever wondered why you suddenly ran into a steel door with your interaction? Perhaps the actions did not match what you were saying.

Both sides have to monitor what is going on. I am not stating that the dominants have a pass in this area. They are equally involved in terms of having to be sincere in what they say and do. Submissive types ought to apply the same judgment that a dominant is doing. There is high probability that both sides experienced harm in the past due to an encounter with a pretender.

Do What You Say and Say What You Mean

This is a lesson for all of life. Applying it to our situation here, we can now see how important it is for us to present an image that allows one to formulate true decisions. The fakes are trolling for those who are willing to set common sense aside and believe whatever is stated. This is where people get hurt. Applying sound reasoning will allow you to move past the fakes immediately.

If you are interested in a particular aspect of this life, be sure that you are doing the things that make one believe what you say. For example, are you stating that you are interested in getting involved in a M/s relationship yet not abiding by the commitments you make? Are you claiming to be a single person without children yet unavailable at those times when one usually is able to interact? Things of this nature begin to raise the red flag with others. On the flip side, if you are getting this from another, you should raise some concerns also. Stating one thing yet doing another is always a basis for questioning.

Doing what you say is most important early in the interaction. This is when the trust level is at it's lowest. The lack of familiarity causes the aforementioned defenses. As times passes, and the trust level grows, a person is more open to allowing another in. However, this is shattered if that person is deemed untrustworthy. A lack of congruence is considered by many to be a lie. Repeated behavior in this manner results in one closing down. Penetration simply becomes impossible.

Consider this when you are approaching a new person with whom you have an interest in. Be sure that your actions are matching what you say. The other person, if he or she read this post, is monitoring the situation with open eyes. Are you doing the same? Consider how your actions are perceived by the other person. It might be the one thing that instantly sabotages any chance of a relationship with that person. Ignorance is no excuse.

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May 21, 2010

Conversion of Spouse

As I always try to share from my experience, this post is going to take the perspective of a submissive who found this life and is interested in having a spouse join in. The reason I am doing this is because I have yet to come across the opposite where a dominant wants to approach the spouse about this way of life. That is not to say it does not exist, just that I never personally talked to anyone in that situation.

Most Start Vanilla

Because of the way society trains us to believe, most of us begin our relationship journeys pursuing the traditional model. This is what we know and are led to think is the path to happiness. Many of us follow this advice for years before we realize that it simply is not for us. Perhaps we went through a couple of marriages in addition to a host of other relationships. There are instances were children are a result of some of those relationships. These are all factors that need consideration when moving into this way of life.

Naturally, not all who come upon this lifestyle are unhappy with their present situation. Many people are in successful marriages when finding BDSM. However, they find that even though they are content with their partner, they desire a bit more. This is where some of the conflict begins to arise.

It is amazing how people suddenly get the desire to take their vanilla marriage and move it to a full blown BDSM relationship. Again, I am going from the submissive (mostly female) perspective and wanting to get her husband to be a Dom. I cannot tell you the number of people who told me they want their husband to take complete control. They ask "how can I get him to do that"? A better question is how do you make a pig sing?

Internal Tendencies

I am a believer that we all have internal tendencies towards either submission or domination. It is something that might be hidden from us, especially on the dominant side since society promotes against the idea. However, whenever we find an opportunity to engage in this behavior, our natural inclinations can take over. Now, please bear in mind that a natural tendency does not make one a Master or slave. Training is still a part of the process. Nevertheless, the desire is a starting point.

Getting back to the prospect of converting a vanilla person, I believe that most times it is a fruitless proposition. Typically, the spouse of the one who is doing the searching is perfectly happy with the dynamic of the relationship. Sure he might enjoy some kinkier play. But the thought of actually controlling all aspects of the relationship is not to his liking. Many get into relationships with the idea of having an equal partner to share all aspects of life with. Equality is not part of the BDSM life. This is a path that purposely opts for inequality.

Implementing BDSM

So how do you go about if this is the situation that you find yourself in. Well, I would say that you need to accept the fact that this is going to be a slow process in most instances. Some might take to this life instantly. However, I found most who are willing to move towards it do so at a paced manner.

The first thing that I would do is to start getting him reading about what aspects of the life interest you. See what his reaction is. Let him know what your desires are and how you would like to see him fulfill them. Like all things, communication is key. You have a better chance the more you are able to talk about things.

Another suggestion is to be prepared to back off after the initial introduction. It often is best to let an idea sit and ferment. As mentioned, few take to this immediately. There is a chance he will be more accommodating to things if it is presented slowly. Let him adjust. Going straight from vanilla to a full blown M/s relationship, as an example, is not likely to happen.

Some will find that there is a dominant desire dwelling within him. It is possible that this is natural for him even though society promoted the idea of equality. Nevertheless, this does not guarantee that he will be accepting of the change in his relationship. Many do like the equality that a vanilla relationship provides.

Ultimately, you might find that the bedroom activities are all that he is interested in exploring. This is a terrific starting place and probably where most people involved in BDSM reside. Of course, this brings up the question of whether this is enough for you or not. The ones I came across seem to want the total domination that M/s offers. Therefore, I can only conclude that this type of person is seeking a lot more than just being sexually controlled.

The bottom line is that not all people are cut out to live this way. Those who look for it are going after a yen that is within them.. Yet it is unfair to presume that everyone will like this. Be careful with trying to convert someone from the vanilla world. There is a better-than-average chance that he will not take to it. That is just my experience.

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May 19, 2010

Slave Training: What Is This

The term "slave training" is something I see promoted on different sites around the web. However, have you ever thought about what that term truly means and put it in the context of serving? Most people do not. If you took the time to think it through, you would realize that there is a mixed meaning.

Being A Slave

Becoming a slave entails commiting fully to one person and do whatever that person desires. It is that simple. This is something that I believe few are able to handle. Most like the idea of being able to give up control until they realize what giving up control really means. It is at this point that a person will start to interject his or her desires.

Living as a slave is a tough route to take. It involves much more than just sex. To be "trained" properly, one needs to understand that it is a vastly different idea than what most believe. The images that are presented on the Internet do not reflect the life as a slave. Instead, they are promotional items designed to sell videos. The live of a true slave is more accurately reflected in the life of June Cleaver or Lucy Ricardo.

Sexual Kink

Many believe that being trained as a slave is to be trained at fulfilling particular kinks. Sadly, this is only a small aspect of a slave's responsibilities. Nevertheless, newer people have fantasies about domination/submission sessions. They feel that being trained in bondage, masochism, and other secnes is what is required. These people have the mindset that the M/s lifestyle is about sexual kink. Now, there is nothing wrong with any of these things, nor desiring them. However, to believe this is what one needs training in to make a M/s relationship successful is mistaken. There is a great deal more to it.

The truth of the matter is a slave's sexual kink is meaningless. It only becomes important in terms of how it applies to the Master. When one is seeking training in what he or she views to be his/her kink, what that person is saying is the he/she wants to be trained to have his/her fantasies fulfilled. In others words, I will serve as I wish. This is misses the entire point of the total power exchange. Masters (Mistresses) who are seeking true M/s look for something entirely different.

True Training

When a slave truly wants to be trained and asks for it what that person is asking is to be taught to serve me as I wish. My particular kinks, fetishes, and desires are what are important. The slaves fantasies and wishes will not be taking into account unless I so desire to have concern for them. If I wish to punish for the failure to do something properly, I will do so. What that punishment will be is also decided by me. Whatever actions you are taking is at my direction and your consult is not required. Acceptance and obedience are your highest priorities.

Many will find their stomach turns at this idea. I can understand that. Very few are designed for this way of life. It takes a special person to live the life of a slave. Contrary to popular opinion, a slave is not a weak person. Instead, he or she is someone who is independent and self motivated. That person can handle responsibility when it is handed over and seeks to fulfill all actions in a proper manner. A good slave will not try to "get out of things" nor will they put forth minimal effort. This is a person who seeks to fulfill all instructions to the best of his or her abilities. A slave seeks to serve the one he or she submits to.

For this reason, online slave training is mostly ineffective. Whenever I see someone seeking training, I wonder what that person is trying to accomplish. There is not a manual that dictates how to serve a Master. Every dominant is different. Therefore, we all have individual ways we want things done. To try to put together a "cookie cutter" approach will only create problems. There were a couple of instances where I got with experienced slaves and I had to "deprogram" them from what was acceptable to the last Master. That is not to say my way is better or worse, it is just different. That is something that should be remembered when dealing with new people.

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May 17, 2010

Being Committed To What You Want

It seems that each time I talk with someone who different, I am reminded of how important it is to be true to what you are seeking. Many enter this life not having any idea of what they truly want. Why should they since I believe that is true for most of the population walking the streets. Clarity is one of the first steps to success. Remaining committed to that outcome is the second.

Taking Anything

New people tend to want to jump in head first into a BDSM relationship without having any clue what will make them happy. It is baffling to see someone who suddenly came across this way of life enter into a M/s relationship without really understanding what that is. Each time I shake my head and tell myself "here is another one with no clue". It is a relationship that always ends up in heartbreak.

The same situations occurs when one exits a BDSM relationship. Here is someone who was involved with another person in, according to her words, a deep emotional relationship. Yet, we find this same person "collared" a couple of days later after the ending of the first relationship. How committed and deep was it if one is able to change gears and move on? And, what was it that caused the relationship to go awry? What was it that you missed that is important to you? Obviously, there is no reflection to ask these questions.

Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive persons. In one of my last posts, I mentioned that some would submit to/accept submission from a tree. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). Never does it enter their mind to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact.


The reality is that a BDSM relationship is no different than any other form of interpersonal communication that exists throughout our lives. The "dating" process that exists in the traditional world is present here. It is a "getting to know period". Too many overlook the fact that compatibility is necessary for success in any type of relationship, BDSM included.

While the dating process is an excercise in determining what one likes and doesnt like, there are some basics that are decided before going in. For example, sexuality is usually known before agreeing to go out with someone. While confusion can often exist, when one says yes to a guy for a date, there is a good chance she knows that she is heterosexual in some capacity. The same is said if one goes out with a member of the same sex. There is some basic interest in homosexuality in this case.

Another concept that this analogy shows is the idea that few immediately enter into a fully committed relationship. The dating process is one which gets more committed the longer people go together. Few go on the first date and end up married (other than those drucken flights to Vegas). However, it seems the opposite in the BDSM world, at least online. People are willing to be "collared" within days of chatting with someone. To me, this is akin to meeting someone in a coffee shop and being hitched by the weekend. We all know what we typically think of people who do this and how rare it is to see it work out.

The truth is that it takes a while for a true relationship to develop. My present slave and I are together about 2 years. The first year, due to geographics, were spent online. That time was used to get accustomed to each other. For the past year, we are 24/7. This is a period where a lot of learning occurred. Each day reveals more to each of us about the other person. The commitment was present a long time ago. However, the other issues involved in the relationship are garnering attention. I believe that is true for most people.

Decide What You Want

The Internet is a wonderful tool for information. There are plenty of resources which tell about different aspects of this life. While some are completely misleading, other provide sound experience written by people who lived this life for a long time. These are the people to listen to. If you travel around reading as many different resources as possible, you will start to notice commonalities among the "true" people. There will be patterns that emerge which you can often believe. Read it once-take it with a grain of salt; read the same thing 10+ times, it is usually correct. You should be able to gain a good understanding of any aspect of this life.

Armed with the proper information, you can begin to decide what you want within this lifestyle. Do you find yourself leaning more toward the extreme end of things or are you one who wants the lighter side of the life? If you are into extreme, then M/s, needle, and blood play might be of interest. Those who want the lighter will look to flogging, D/s, and light bondage. Please bear in mind that no choice is wrong. It is all about what works for you as an individual.

Once you decide what it is you are seeking, you need to resolve to be committed to finding that. There are so many who waffle back and forth as to what they will accept. It is important to remember that your search will not be easy. The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesnt work before finding what does.

This approach will increase your likelihood of success. If you are seeking a BDSM relationship with deep romance, then getting involved with someone who isnt leaning that way will create frustration. The same is true if you are geared to living in a 24/7 TPE relationship and you get with one who is a Dom as opposed to a Master. Being committed to what you want is so important. There will be opportunties for you to "settle". You must resist this temptation for your own happiness. There are people in every area of the lifestyle we can think of. The key is to find them. This will take some time. But, it can be done. Just remember to hold out for what you are seeking. You will be a lot happier if you do.

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May 15, 2010

Freedom: That Is What It Is All About

For 8 years, in the U.S., we heard how President Bush was stealing our freedoms with things such as the Patriot Act. Now, for the past 15 months, we hear President Obama is doing the same thing with the expansion of healthcare, tax increase, and runaway spending. Two sides promoting the idea that has truth at its core. As a society, we are losing our freedoms. This is a trend that started decades ago and is continuing full force. The same is true for countries around the world.

The Lessons of the 60s

The 1960s were a radical time in the United States. Anyone who lived through it or read anything about that era knows it was a time of tremendous upheaval. The Vietnam War was one of the biggest targets. People protested the fact that innocent Americans were required to go fight in a faraway land. The draft was a main point of contention.

Hippies became a cultural breed that had great impact. These were the people who espoused freedom. By "dropping out", they sought out greater freedom than society at large offered. They felt that the values that made America great were being attacked by the ruling class. Decades later, we see this same thing occuring.


Many of you are wondering why I would start a post on a BDSM blog referencing politicial/social examples. The idea is to show how those who go counter to the norm are the ones who are often seeking freedom. My belief is that following the herd mentality serves no purpose other than to enslave us. If one is to seek out freedom in his or her life, then that person needs to move against what society commonly accepts.

This movement begins with the questioning of the overriding belief system that exists within a culture. Most people are unaware that they did not freely choose what they believe. Instead, they are a product of social conditioning that started at an early age. As children, we are like sponges, absorbing all that is spoken around us. Because of this fact, we are conditioned what to believe. That is why people from the same geographic area tend to mimic each other. They are all products of their environment.

The quest for anyone who seeks to go counterculture is to develop a belief system that works for you. This is something that is highly individual. Those who seek freedom throw off the chains that is limiting their thinking. Just because your parents or teachers thought one way, that does not mean that you have to follow suit. And, you certainly do not need to model your life after theirs unless you consciously choose to do so.


Those who opt to make BDSM a part of their lives are the ones who are choosing the path to freedom. Why do so many feel they are obligated to lead their lives as others dictate? We see if everyday regardless of where we travel. People lead lives that were given to them by others. They never question the values or ideals that they hold. Therefore, each day begins to resemble every other. Years stack up before one realizes that life is passing quickly. It is amazing how fast we go from adolensent to middle aged. Those who are already there tell us that it is like a "blink of an eye".

Why do I feel BDSM is freedom? Simply because it is not what the mainstream promotes. Anyone who questions the culture norm and decides to go in a different direction is exercising his or her freedom. Freedom of choice is something that is fundamental to us as people in my opinion. Tyrants have sought to take this away from people for centuries. Sometimes it is by the use of force. However, most often it is simply by conditioning people what to believe.

Before going any further, I must state that I am not advocating that everyone belongs in a BDSM relationship. Some people are perfectly content and suited for the traditional model. The point that I am raising is the questioning that goes along with making such a choice. Stating that everyone should choose this way of life is like saying everyone should be homosexual simply because that choice works for some people. BDSM is a viable option for many, but not all.

Strong Opinions

As those who read this blog know, I have strong opinions about certain things. However, you must be careful to not mistake that for meaning that I think everyone should live how I see fit. There was a discussion the other day about this same topic. The bottom line is people are free to live however they see fit. The only people who are impacted and have a decision in how to structure a relationship are those who are involved in it. It is none of my business how they opt to live their lives. If they went through the process of actively choosing what they want, I commend them. They are exercising their freedom.

Strong opinions arise out of passion. Those who are willing to defend a point of view are one who are dedicated. If it was something they were not passionate about, they would care less. However, when one is willing to fight for something, you know that is true to them. Many of us understand how precious it is to find what we did. There is a great benefit to living this way for those who are cut out for it. Therefore, we can get rather passionate when we see people who are entering with a disagreeable viewpoint. Does this make the other person wrong? It depends. Opinions will vary. However, there are many times when statements are simply inaccurate. This is where the opinions will arise with force. Misinformation is as destructive as the social conditioning that exists throughout our culture.

Living Your Life

We each are granted a certain time on this planet. We are born and we die, and the time in between is where we experience. What we do with that time is up to us. We can consciously choose to pursue what we desire or we can allow the beliefs of others to dictate how we live. Sadly, I feel the majority, perhaps because of ignorance, choose the later. We are the ones in the group who choose the former.

BDSM is a diverse world. There are many avenues for anyone to pursue. Like most alternative "lifestyles", those who are involved in it are unrecognizable on the street. Few of us walk around wearing leather and gathering at parades. Instead, we are everyday people who face the same challenges and problems as everyone else. I often state that the BDSM life does not absolve us of life. We still have bills to pay. The difference is that we consciously chose how we are going to structure our relationships.

Soceity tells us that marriage, which it deems a partnership, is the path to travel. Many of us went down that path a time or two only to realize it didnt work for us. We learned the hard way that we bought into the great lie (at least for us). That is not to say that marriage is not a chosen path in the lifestyle; it is. However, it is often interwoven with some type of breakdown in the power structure. Many marriages entail the D/s or M/s concept. The exchange of power is present even though the parties are married.

Again, these are people who consciously chose how they are going to live. Many people are polyamorous and elect to live with multiple partners. Other value the monogamy of life but will lead an open sexual lifestyle. Whatever your flavor, it is possible. One needs to decide what it is he or she wants and actively pursue it.

BDSM is all about freedom. On a macro scale, it is something that is counterculture to what society actively promotes. Therefore, any who is involved with it actively sought it out. On a smaller scale, it is a personal quest for happiness. Since the traditional did not work for us, many of us find that is path is ideally suited to fulfill our desires. In the end, isnt that what freedom is: being allowed to choose how you want to live your life.

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May 13, 2010

M/s: Role Playing

Many seem to feel that the Master/slave (M/s) relationship is nothing more than role playing between two people. The logic is that it must be this way since slavery is illegal in most developed nations. Anything that is consensual mandates that one has choice. Therefore, the participants are simply taking on roles.

Describe Yourself

I challenge you to sit down and write out on a piece of paper nouns that describe you. Many will put down things such as mother, father, son, sister, employee, friend, neighbor, etc... We all have a variety of shoes we fill depending upon our present circumstances. Some of these nouns are applicable throughout our lives while others are only temporary.

The point I am making is each of these is a role that we fill. Whenever we say we are a "son", we are saying this is a role I occupy. But let me ask you, what happens when your parents die? Do you still fulfill this role? The answer is you do not. Upon their passing, you no longer are a son. The same thing can be said for marriage. You are a husband or wife until death or divorce do you part. Then, in the case of divorce, you fill the role of ex-husband or ex-wife.

As you can see, the roles can change based upon the circumstances. Nobody is "married" to a role forever. Last week, a guy I know retired. A few weeks back, and for the previous 40 years, he was an employee. Now he join the ranks of the "retired". The role he fulfills each morning is drastically different than he working role. He moved into a new situation.

Online M/s

When discussing M/s, I must distinguish between online and real time. I am going to make the case that online M/s is nothing more than a form of role playing. That is because, from my observations, most of them are not real. People are simply behaving like characters in a play. They literally fill the role of Master or slave. In fact, some take on both roles depending upon who they are interacting with.

As I stated in a number of my other posts, the Internet is a wonderful tool to meet people and to start the process of "training" one as to what is expected. However, too many seem to think that online is the relationship. Those who entered real time seem to have an alternative point of view. They feel that the only true relationship is one in which people interact face-to-face.

At the core of the M/s relationship is service. Whenever I encounter one who speaks of the validity of an online M/s relationship, I simply ask what service an online slave can provide. My slave cooks, shops, cleans, runs errands, and performs sexual acts all as a part of her service to me. I fail to see how any of this can ever be done online. In fact, I conclude the main interaction of online M/s relationships is sex. It seems having another cam upon request is what many feel is domination. It is not. Yet these people ardently argue they are in a true M/s relationship.

Thus, I conclude one is playing Master and slave when online. Please bear in mind I am excluding those who are truly intending on taking the online into real time. To me, these people are simply transitioning into the lifestyle. Oftentimes, there are factors that must be dealt with before one can move to another. The people that are living online are the ones that I target as role players.

Real Time

What about real time M/s relationships? Once again, I need to make a distinction. There are many who are in real time who are playing roles. They wear this lifestyle like others wear a pair of shoes. They can take it or leave it. Many enter with the intention of getting an easy score with someone who will fulfill their fantasies. Again, we get the sex-based outlook. Service is rarely mentioned outside the bedroom. These people fulfill the roles when the hormones are hopping.

The other group is those who truly are committed to living in a M/s relationship. These are the ones who are true to the calling and make a decision to live their lives a certain way. They enter into relationship consensually with agreements in place. The breakdown of power is established based upon agreed protocols which the two participants decide. Most, if not all, opt for the total power exchange which means the Master has control and domination over all of the slave's life. This is something that is agreed upon when entering the relationship. Therefore, consent needs to be given before moving forward.

This is where many allude to the role playing. How can something that is voluntary and consensual be anything more than role playing? My answer is how is the role of husband real if one volunteers and consents to it? The same can be said for being an employee. Aren't I just filling a role when I am at work? Don't a play a part in a larger organization before moving on at the end of the day where I go home and fill another role?

Therefore, a M/s "role" is no different than any other aspect of life. We all play multiple roles simultaneously and Master or slave is simply another one. There are certain acts we perform to fulfill the expectations that are placed upon us. It is that simple.

What Makes The Difference

So what makes the difference between someone who is simply role playing and actually living the M/s lifestyle? I would say it is the commitment one has. Those who live this way of life truly adhere to the mandates established by choosing this relationship structure. It is not a game to them. They know what they are seeking and live accordingly.

We see the opposite mentality taking hold in the traditional arena with the commonality of divorce. Many do not take marriage seriously anymore. To them it is something that is entered into until the fancy passes. At that time, divorce takes place and it is on to the next one. How can anyone who is married 5, 6 or 7 times claim to be serious about it? At the same time, arent they just playing a role? Being a husband works until it is time to move on. Then that role is shed like an old T-shirt. The level of commitment is minimal at best.

Contrast this with those I previously mentioned who consciously decided to live the M/s way of life. This is something that required some thought. Since it is not commonplace within society, people usually have some degree of research associated before entering into a relationship of this type. Also, because of all the ones playing games, it takes a great deal of effort to sift through the trash to find someone meaningful. As you can see, just getting into a M/s relationship is a difficult task.

Those who go through the trouble to find someone who is true to this lifestyle while being that way themselves are not role playing in the general sense. Certainly, this is a role just like the ones mentioned in the opening paragraph. However, the idea that somehow M/s is less real because it is role playing is inaccurate. M/s is just every bit as viable a lifestyle choice as marriage is in the traditional world. In fact, since there are so many obstacles to overcome, it might be even more so. Those who live 24/7 real time with all the ups and downs associated with a M/s relationship know that there is no role playing. It is the real deal.

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May 10, 2010

1950s Type Lifestyle

Many seek out the 1950s type lifestyle where the woman was a stay at home person who tended to all the household chores. The generational makeup at that time was a male dominated culture with women having little say in what transpired. Many look at this as a form of slavery and this appeals to many in the M/s world.

My Grandparents

My grandfather was a President for a toy company for many years. During his tenure at that position, he was responsible for traveling throughout the eastern part of the country on business. This was in a time when one did not hop the shuttle from NY to Philadelphia. Instead, the common form of travel was the train. As you can imagine, my grandfather was away from home for weeks at a time. Many families endured a similar life in this era.

This meant my grandmother was the one in charge at home. There were five children which include what today is termed a special needs child and one who qualified as a juvenile delinquent in any generation. Certainly, my grandmother had her hands full. The strength it took to raise 5 children under these circumstances was not easy. Until her death, my grandmother was a very strong woman.

Before going any further, we need to remember the generation that we are dealing with. Men were the heads of the household and women were consider inferior. Women stayed home to raise children while men were the sole breadwinners. All financial and "businesslike" decisions were made by the males. And, like Leave it to Beaver, children were sent to their rooms until "your father gets home". The men were the ultimate disciplinarians within this family model.

To say that women in this generation were weak is a misstatement. My grandmother is a prime example. She had the strength to deal with the household in the absence of her husband. While gone, she made all the decisions. Of course, she stepped aside when my grandfather returned from his trips.

Leave It To Beaver M/s

For many, this mindset sounds like a wonderful way to live the M/s lifestyle. However, before relating it to this way of life, I need to clarify one other thing about my grandparents.

As mentioned, my grandmother willingly stepped aside when my grandfather returned. She was also one to allow him to run at the mouth and never embarrassed him in front of others. Basically, my grandmother was the ideal wife in an era were subservience was valued. Nevertheless, I will not state that my grandfather was in charge. There were a few times when I witnessed him run off a bit too much at the mouth and she cut him off. She wasnt rude or demonstrative. Instead, she simply stated "that is enough" and my grandfather knew to shut his trap. In the end, the subservient one actually retained the power.

Of course, this is where a M/s relationship differs greatly. Everything about the 1950s lifestyle could be applied. It is possible for one to be controlled in all aspects where her only focus is on household duties. Anything outside that realm is the responsibility of the Master. However, I must point out that in a M/s relationship, all power resides in his hands. Unlike my grandmother, a slave does not have the right to say "that is enough". Her subservience is complete.

Different Era

The "homemaker" form of slavery seems to be popular these days-at least in the minds of many who are seeking a Master. However, I find that it is a fairly unrealistic expectation for one simple reason: most lack the resources to live this particular way. It is no secret that most Western families require two incomes to make ends meet. This is a truth that extends back over 20 years. It is a quarter century since we saw the ability for families to survive on one income.

What does this mean? This tells me that most will provide service to a Master in the form of earning a paycheck. Now, many want to dispute the validity of this type of arrangement. Get real. If a Master tells a slave to get a job, that is fulfilling his wishes. My slave maintains a full-time job which she earns a paycheck that is handed over to me. Her efforts are going to benefit me. It allows me to maintain a particular lifestyle for my household which I prefer. Her service is not lessened in any way because of it.

Those who are seeking to be a 1950s "housewife" ought to look at the reality of the world today. My grandfather was able to support his family on only one income. So was Ward Cleaver. And Ricky Ricardo. Yet, we find the economic reality of the world altered to the point were people depend upon the two checks. Unless our seeking slave is lucky enough to find a Master with a good financial balance sheet, I feel she ought to be prepared to work.

Which brings me to the next point: even if he is financially well off, a Master might still require a slave to work. Extra income always comes in handy no matter what the financial makeup is. In my situation, my standard of living was established before my present slave arrived. However, her income makes my life that much easier. Now I have the ability to invest in things that were not possible before. I still cover the bills-her earnings are extra. In the long run, this will net a tremendous payoff for me.

Romantic Pipedreams

The idea of living as some of the matrons of the 1950s is a wonderful dream but I caution about the reality of it. It is perfectly acceptable for one to seek this situation out. However, as we know, in a TPE relationship, there are no guarantees. A Master might decide that he wants the arrangement a different way. For that reason, a slave cannot marry herself to a single idea. There are many times when a Master will alter one aspect of the relationship. Being flexible is one of the traits that a slave needs to have if she is to survive in M/s.

In many instances, I feel people are engaging in romantic pipedreams when searching this relationship makeup. Once again, many are distancing themselves from reality. While it might come true for a few, I believe the vast majority are going to be disappointed. Like many things online, it is easy to promise something but a lot tougher to deliver. The reality for many will be vastly different then they imagine.

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May 8, 2010

What Is A Slave?

On my social website, there are many posts debating what it means to be a slave. Many seem to think that one attains this simply by stating "I am a slave". However few realize the lengths one needs to go to be worthwhile in this endeavor. I believe that few can ever reach this level of submission. For this reason, I believe it is one of the more extreme choices one can make.

Total Power Exchange

This is where a great deal of the confusion comes into the picture. There are many who write stuff about the M/s lifestyle who go counter to this idea. Somehow they believe that M/s does not require a total exchange of power. I strongly disagree. This is the fundamental fact that separates M/s from D/s.

In a true Master/slave relationship, all power resides in the hands of the Master (Mistess). This is unequivicol. The slave retains no rights whatsoever. When opting for this structure, one is agreeing to give all control over to the other. He or she simply becomes another piece of property to be used as the Master sees fit. Whatever the decision, it is up to her to follow and obey. Each task needs to be completed to the best of her ability.

I encounter so many who are ready to agree to this idea. However, they usually are the ones who believe they are online slaves. M/s cannot occur online. It is impossible to serve via the Internet. (More on that in a moment). Another fundamental quality of M/s is that a slave is there to serve. Her position is to do things that make her Master's life easier. It is not for her to co-dictate what transpires. If that were the case, the breakdown of power would be split. This is not what occurs in M/s.


This is another point that is lost when talking with these "slaves". They totally overlook the fact that their entire existence, if they are true slaves, is to serve. Many state they are sex slaves only. Therefore, they do not tend to the chores that require attention. There service is in the bedroom only. Once again, this is incorrect. While many domination/submission relationships are structured this way, it is not one of Master/slave. Instead, it is another form of D/s. The submissive is a sub as opposed to a slave. The reasoning is she retains some rights and say so over her life. A slave does not enjoy this luxury.

Slavery means that you do whatever is required of you. Your service is based upon the needs of the Master, not your own. As I am writing this, my slave is ironing clothes before she heads off to work. Part of her service to me is earning income which is turned over to me to lighten my financial burden. She is also responsibile for all household chores. Finally, she is the one who runs the different errands that I need handled such as going to the library and paying the water bill. These are activities that I need completed which fall to her as my slave.

Notice how my sexual needs are not even mentioned. I can tell you this is a part of her service but not her main calling in life. Like anyone else, I have a life outside the bedroom. Therefore, I have responsibilities which I turn over to her for completion. In each situation, I expect her to finish the required task unless there is a viable reason why it cannot be.


This is another concept that is overlooked by many. Few can truly imagine the length that one needs to travel to deflate the natural ego whereby the proper mindset is acquired. Thinking of oneself as property is a challenge and goes against the natural teachings of society. We are all raised to believe that we are important; that our individuality matters. Opting to live as a slave means that you adopt a lifestyle where you are secondary. Everything is done in an effort to benefit the Master.

Another aspect of this idea is that anything you are granted is only by choice. A slave has a right to nothing. Many seem to want to instill many the qualities of a traditional relationship into M/s. These seem to think that it is a basic relationship with some kink. As you can guess, I believe this is incorrect.

One thing that often arises in conversations is the idea that a Master might bring in other slaves. Many seem to claim that they only want a monogamous relationship. Again, this is something that I believe is a wonderful way for people to go. However, in a true M/s situation, the Master has the right to interact with whomever he so chooses. Getting back to the property idea, a lounge chair is not going to get upset if you buy another lounge chair for the room. Property has no say in the moves you make. The same is true here.

Jealousy is an animal that is difficult to harness. However, it can only serve to destroy a Master/slave relationship. A Master has a right not only to bring another in, but also to interact with each person as he sees fit. Many slaves believe they have some say or that they will retain the primary role. Nothing is further from the truth. A slave can be cast aside while being relegated to menial tasks if that is what the Master chooses. Certainly, there are times it is not a pleasant way to live.

Online Slavery

To me, online slavery is nothing more than role playing. As mentioned, service is a vital component to any M/s situation. That being said, I fail to see how one can serve another while online. From what I have seen, online M/s becomes a camming session with sex being the only criteria for submission. In fact, other than having one masturbate for you, what else can she accomplish online? How can she do your laundry, clean the house, run errands, or pay bills? The answer is that she cannot. Online becomes a way for people to assume certain roles. That is all.

One sidenote on this idea, online can be a beginning of a real time M/s relationship. Therefore, some training can occur in terms of making a slave aware of the expectations that one will have. Testing her with tasks such as writing or mailing you things is a terrific way to see her commitment. However, this is not to be mistaken for a true M/s situation. Many will tell there "Master" they are following his orders while simply ignoring the request. And, even if she is found out, what is he to do.

The bottom line is so much fraud is present in the online BDSM world because it is so easy to mimic reality. Anyone can read a few blog posts then proclaim to be anything he or she wants. In the end, truth is based upon the word of the other person. Sadly, this often lacks much integrity. I heard of one woman who has 18 Masters at the same time. I am certain at least a few of them believed she was real. How mistaken they are.

For Only A Few

The reality of the M/s world is that only a few have the makeup to live as slaves. It is not an easy road to travel. There are many times where there is a great deal of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Under normal conditions, one might have a say in how things proceed forward. Not in M/s. The Master is the one in control and he has the ability to change the structure of the relationship at any time. Perhaps he decides to bring in a new one and lavish all the attention on her. Or, perhaps he opts to make you a houseslave only. Or, maybe he decides to send you out to do two jobs. Or, he may tell you to service all his friends and loan you out on weekends. Whatever the choice, it is his to make and yours to obey.

Does this sound radical to you? For many it is. The fundamental makeup of M/s is too extreme for the majority. While they want to proclaim themselves slaves, they cannot overcome the cries of the ego for individual satisfaction. A true slave gains pleasure through serving. This is another one of those ideas which is counter to our culture but crucial if one is to live as a slave. Personal gain is removed from one's life. Everything you have is no longer yours. The exchange of power is in full effect 24/7. And, there is nothing you can do to alter that reality. This is what being a slave really is.

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May 3, 2010

The Online BDSM Scam

This is not going to be an attack on the entire BDSM world. However, there is a segment, a large one in my opinion, that does not have proper intentions when interacting with others online. The sad thing is that people are so gullible when it comes to this way of life as to fall for what is being said. I am going to relate to you the story of a girl who I had a chat with. Now, before anyone judge her, I can assure you, this story is very common. It is happening everyday. I am writing this as a warning to all who seek this way of life.


As you can imagine, the person I am referring to is new to the BDSM world. She is one of those people who is convinced she is a slave. In chatting with her, she revealed that she had an online Master. This information was revealed to me during our second conversation. During the first one, she mentioned that she is married with children to a man who is vanilla. He is not interested in living in a domination/submission relationship whatsoever. Therefore, she is caught between living in a vanilla relationship and wanting a BDSM one.

Before going any further, I will mention that many are caught in a similar situation. Society promotes the vanilla way of life and most of us follow this path. This results in getting involved in marriages and having children before we determine what we want. We think that we are follow the way to happiness based upon what we are taught. Thus, when we encounter the BDSM world, we are stuck in a position of having to deal with the results of our prior choices. Oftentimes, one commits to this way of life but needs to go through a period of dealing with the prior decisions before moving forward. This is something that can take years.

Getting back to my conversation with this woman, she also revealed that her husband caught her a number of times on cam with her online Master. This led me to ask how long she was involved with this one online. Not surprisingly, she said they were interacting for a few weeks. Well, how is that for a strong emotional bond.

Where is the common sense?

I often wonder how people can fall for such bullshit. During the course of our conversation, she mentioned that he (the Master) told her that he is willing to move closer to her. Of course he is. She is falling for this hook, line, and sinker.

Where is the common sense? Obviously, this person's marriage is experiencing difficulties before she embarked on her online journey. However, to further risk her marriage over something that most likely is not real is insane. What happened to the common sense this person was born with? Sadly, it seems that common sense flies out the window the second one enters into this lifestyle.


Like I am sure most of you have already concluded, I was starting to get suspect about this particular Master. Therefore, I asked her about his experience in the lifestyle. For example, how long has he been it in? How many BDSM relationships has he been in? Does he own other slaves? Is he looking for a live in slave or will he maintain separate resident? Guess how many of these she knew the answer to? You guessed it. Zero. Her response was that he doesnt like questioning him.

Let me make one thing clear: if you are going to make a life decision that affects you and your children, you have the right to ask whatever you want. If you have difficulty remembering this sentence, write it down and memorize it. I do not care what position one says that he or she is, you have a right to know what you are getting yourself into. Anyone who fails to do this is foolhardy and stupid. Naivity is no excuse. Even if thinking is not your specialty, muster at least minimal sense for the sake of your children.

Here is another observation based upon my experience: I never met a true Master who was opposed to the questioning that I mention here. The only ones who object are those who are total fakes. Anyone who is around this lifestyle for any length of time knows how crucial safety is. Whenever dealing with someone new, precaution needs to be taken to ensure that he or she knows exactly what is expected. We also are aware that questioning is how people learn. Those who are fearful of being questioned are those who have something to hide.

The Scam

The sad truth is this scenario is played out everyday online. People are falling for this scam everyday. Those of us who are around a little while can see these people a mile away. They are often the ones on a BDSM site posting pics of their cocks. This shows that they have little idea what BDSM is truly about. They believe it is sexual and that the size of their dick makes a difference. Being a Master has nothing to do with the length of your peepee.

I am all for trying to protect newer people from the vultures that exist online. However, at what point does the responsibility fall to them. If someone is going to act so foolishly as to fall for something like this, then isnt the results deserved. How bad do we feel for the guy who gets conned into buying the Brooklyn Bridge (or Big Bed for the UK readers)? Some cannot be helped no matter what measures are instilled.

Why does this scam work? My belief is because so many want to claim that online is real. My opinion is that it is not. The Internet is called "virtual" for a reason. It mimics life but is not a replacement for it. Those who live online tend to believe they have real relationships when, in fact, they know little about these people. The anonymity of the web allows anyone to create whatever persona he or she desires.

The Choice

People who find themselves in the situation as this woman have a choice to make. This decisions needs to be arrived at before any interaction within the lifestyle can take place. The choice is between the present situation and the lifestyle. It is not a choice between a husband/wife and a Master/Mistress. Rather, it is the election of living one's life a certain way. This often is a difficult decision.

I mentioned in my book, An Owned Life, that people need to go through the 3 Step Submission Process. It is the only way I found for people to have successful BDSM relationships. Failure to follow the proper order results in a train wreck. The first step is for one to become committed to this way of life. This is done before any Master or Mistress is obtained. Trying to reverse this means that your decision is dependent upon the other person. This can never work out well since people are apt to let us down. They are fallable. And, since most find that reality rarely mimics online, they are disappointed when their polyanna relationship turns bad. In the end, many leave the lifestyle because of a bad experience with another person. The lifestyle never had a chance.

Therefore, you need to choose first whether this is the life that you want to live. Like everything else in life, each direction requires some sacrifices. Opting to move into this lifestyle risks alienating those closest to us. Many do not understand how we live and why we want to do this. At the same time, selecting to remain in the vanilla world means that one might miss a lifestyle that is the answer for him or her. However, only that person can choose.

Be Mindful

Be aware of who you are interacting with when you are chatting with people online. The truth is that you do not know who you are dealing with. Unless people are willing to reveal personal details about themselves, then you are flying blind. And, this can be a very dangerous thing. We all read the stories about those who meet death by trusting the wrong online predator. Most of the scammers are harmless but some are outright dangerous. Being mindful of your welfare is of utmost importance.

Remember, the same rules of human interaction that exist in the real world apply online. If something seems out of sorts with an individual, it usually is. At the core of every BDSM relationship is a relationship. The same rules apply as they always have. Human interaction hasnt changed in thousands of years. Common sense is still your best weapon against the scammers. Use it.

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May 1, 2010

The Absent Dom/Master

Today I am going to write about something which I have seen many discussions on. This can center around a variety of reasons but the end result is the same. How can one be controlled/dominanted in the absence of a Dom/Master? What if the sub/slave is responsible for making decisions in his/her absence? Is this person any less submissive?

The Realities of Life

As we exit the inane mindset of the online players who think that BDSM is all chocolates and roses, we see that BDSM is a choice that does not exempt us from the realities of life. There are certain responsibilities that each of us must fulfill no matter what path we choose to follow. Family, financial, and health are just some of the issues that require our attention.

For this reason, the idea of living "24/7" is a pipedream for most. Few Doms have the financial resources to financially support a sub/slave. We live in a two-income society. Entering into BDSM does not absolve us of facing this reality.

Separation will occur when people embark on their work day. In my situation, both myself and my slave have full time positions. She works for a company that maintains long hours, thus lengthening the time we are apart. This reality stinks but the money she brings in is necessary. It allows for me to move our life forward in other ways.

Many find themselves in the same position. In fact, there are some who are separated for extended periods of time. Many, such as traveling salespeople, are on the road for days on end. This creates a dilemma where the one left behind is responsible for maintaining the domicile. This is where conflicts often ensue.

If the one who is home is the Dominant, is he/she less so because the domestic duties need attention? Or, if the sub is left behind, is he/she less so since other obligations and decisions will fall to that person? These are dynamics that few online consider but is a reality for many in our lifestyle.

What is Domination and Submission

The above questions can only be answered, in my opinion, after one looks at what domination and submission truly is. Many believe it is an act. I do not. Instead, I think both are mindsets that one takes. When one submits, he or she is adopting the mindset that this person is in control. Thus, physical presence is not necessary. It is possible to maintain one's place in spite of physical separation as long as the mindset still exists that of who is truly in charge.

I am a believer that online domination/submission can occur. It is something I was part of and have witnessed numerous times. Of course, there are many who approach this with nothing more than the "role playing" outlook. These are not the ones I am referring to. The ones who exhibit this viewpoint are those who truly commit to the one in question. Therefore, their behavior models that as if the person was there physically. This is the important distinction.

The same is true for those who are involved with people who are absent for brief periods of time. It is crucial that both parties behave is as the other is there. While a dominant might be forced to do the dishes, he/she is aware that the submissive one would be doing it if present. The same is true for the submissive who is forced to handle household obligations. Isnt he or she fulfilling service by handling the dominants affairs such as bill paying, etc...? I believe that is another service at its finest.

As you can see, it is the mindset that makes all the difference. In my case, my slave answers to another during her working hours. This is part of her job and anyone who is working knows we all have people to answer to. It is another one of those realities of life. Therefore, while she is working, her service is given to another. However, she is actually serving me since she is earning money for my household. I was the one who chose to allow her to have a job and am the one reaping the benefits. The fact that she answers to a manager while there does not diminish either my domination or her submission. We both know this. During those hours, she knows that I am still the one in control of her.

Taken into Poly

This moves me into another area of discussion as it pertains to poly. Many seem to feel that establishing a household based upon the old plantation concept is the path to take. For many it is. However, I would caution jumping to this conclusion too quickly.

The overriding belief is that one is going to act as "Mother Hen" for all the other slaves. This was the structure for the olden households where many people were involved in making the house operate. One thing that I like to mention is that these situations were more businesses than personal affairs. Those who were acting in these capacities were paid hands. Or, in the case of slavery, were people who showed the ability to lead. However, the major difference between that and poly (polyamorous) is that there usually was not the emotional connection between the owner of the house, the Mother Hen, and the others under her direction. It was a situation where each was more of an employee.

Of course, there is always a place where an experienced one will assist in showing anyone new the "ropes". In this scenario, a senior slave will have insight into what is required. Sharing this information is vital since it will assist in the transition and make the Masters affairs that much simpler. Anyone who withholds this information from a new one is showing him/herself to be insecure and selfish, thus deserving of punishment. A slave's place is always to make a Master's life easier.

Someone needs to be in charge in his/her absence

This is a false belief that many have when looking at a poly BDSM situation. When the Master is away, someone needs to be in charge. Therefore, the mindset is the senior one should monitor the behavior of the others. If that is the case, then my question is 'who is monitoring the senior slave'? Since the Master is away, who is going to ensure that he/she behaves in a proper manner? The answer is that nobody is.

The truth is that a Master needs to be able to trust one to do the bidding while he/she is gone. This is equally true for a senior as well as a newer slave. The expectation that each will behave as if he/she was present is not unrealistic. Of course, failure by either is subject to the proper punishment. Thus, the idea that someone need to be in charge while the Master is away is foolhardy. The truth is that the Master is still running the show even if not present. The mindset of the slaves should not change simply because One is not there. If it does, then the level of submission ought to be explored. Remember, we are dealing with a mindset here that should not waver based upon circumstances. That is the key.

Absence changes nothing

In the end, absence changes nothing. One who decided to submit is still under the control of another even when that person is gone. Simply because certain responsibilities will fall to that person in the Dom/Master's absence does not diminish the mindset. The actions change out of necessity but the viewpoint remains the same. We also see how the reverse is true. I am still in charge even when I am not present because I expect my slave to behave as if I was there. Altering her mindset shows manipulation, deception, and a lack of commitment to me and this way of life. When she opted to live 24/7, it meant that her mindset was one that put me first and foremost. What she does to serve will change. However, she is still serving me.

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