February 28, 2010


This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because "they drifted apart". Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master (written about here). This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the "honeymoon" period ends with a thud. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people's lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.

The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a "play session" for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly? Are you seeking to be a professional Dom/Domme or just something for private use? This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom/Master requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception.

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February 27, 2010

Sexual Motivation

We are pleased to announce the release of Dennis Najee's latest book, Sexual Motivation. This is a breakthrough in the area of personal development since Dennis touches upon an area that most people overlook. Learn how to claim the natural sexual power that resides within you and create the amazing life that you want. The ideas contained in here go contrary to all the social conditioning that we receive. This is what makes it so powerful. Download you copy today here.

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February 26, 2010

Who Likes Licking Pussy?

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Often there is a great deal of confusion as to which direction to take a BDSM relationship. As a Master, it is my responsibility to determine where things are headed. This is not always an easy accomplishment. Throughout any relationship, there are always tests along the way which will make things a bit uneasy. This is where strength as a Dom/Master needs to enter the picture.

The situation can get absolutely overwhelming when someone is new to this lifestyle. I see many who want to involve their partner in this way of life. For whatever reason, it usually is a submissive type who wishes the hubby/wife would assume a dominant role. When I question whether that person is truly dominant, the response is typically something to the effect that "he is aggressive in bed". This does not make one material for true domination. The truth is a lot more is required.

BDSM is a wide arena to choose from. Everything from a nice spanking during sex to full blown M/s are all considered BDSM. That being said, there are also an assortment of ways relationships can look. There is monogamy, polysexual, swinging, scenes, open sex, marriage, and homosexual. Often couples will choose to add a partner or, perhaps, delete one. Love is a major component of some whereas is it not involved in others. Therefore, there are many choices to select from. A good Dom or Master will make these decisions.

The overall direction of a relationship necessitates a great deal of inner searching. I see many who get into relationships without knowing what it is they want. Many seem to believe they want to be dominated (or submitted to) simply because they have a sexual tendency in that direction. While sexual domination/submission is within the bounds of BDSM, it does not make one cutout for the extreme aspects such as M/s. Another set of qualities is required for success in that area.

People need to determine what it is they are seeking. This is something that should be done before a relationship is entered into. However, it is also something that a dominate needs to continually be evaluating. New choices are always being presented. How is the relationship going to evolve? This is an idea that needs regular attention.

Growth is crucial in life. We are either moving forwards or backwards. There is no standing still. Proactive choices in a BDSM relationship is what provides a healthy direction. Ignoring this component allows the interaction to be fueled by circumstances. Hence, why so many relationships ultimately spin out of control. Reactive decisions rarely are the best. The best way to handle an emergency is to stop it before it starts.

Being a Dom/Master is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any creep can do that. Selecting someone who is qualified to lead a relationship is not an easy matter. There are so many who falsely present themselves. That is why I always suggest that people take their time regarding this way of life. Experience is something in a Dom/Master that is necessary. If that is absent, be sure that person is one who is willing to learn and expand his/her knowledge base. BDSM is something that differs from what we were taught about relationships. Learning what is successful is paramount.

Begin to choose where you want your relationship to go. Decide for yourself what is important to you. This will be of great benefit when looking at someone with whom are you interested in getting involved with. If the basic desires match, there is a chance the relationship will be a success. Yet, if you are seeking two different things, then I would guess you are in for a rough ride. Alleviate this possibility by pondering what it is that you are wanting.

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February 25, 2010


This is a trait that I do not read much about as I travel through the BDSM world. However, it is something that is vitally important to success. Any dominant person who lacks this quality will see his/her relationship falter.

Being decisive is something that is necessary for success in life. Many self improvement experts mention how crucial this is for those who are seeking to move forward. I know there are many times in my life that I struggle with this. Certainly, this is a tendency that most of us have at different times.

That being said, I believe this is even more crucial in a BDSM relationship. Since we operate on the premise where an exchange of power occurs, the dominant one is enlisted with the responsibility of directing the relationship. Thus, another is looking towards him/her for decisions.

There are times that making a decision is really difficult. We all encounter those situations where we are torn. Sometimes both options look equally appealing with each having pros and cons. A Dom/Master needs to have the ability to choose one or the other. Sadly, this is a talent many lack.

It is interesting to watch people in general make decisions. Have you ever noticed that deciding what to have for lunch is extremely challenging for some? They will ache over the decision for a couple of hours. This is an example of a person who is not truly adept at making decisions. Something like this carries little risk of being "wrong", thus doesn't necessitate a great deal of energy. Nevertheless, people put themselves through tremendous anguish on something so simple. Of course, the problem only compounds when faced with a decision of a larger magnitude.

In life, there is no standing still. One is either moving forward or backwards. The same is true in relationships. People will come together or break apart. This is the reality of life. Thus, one needs to be decisive in making decisions. Taking on the responsibility of the submission of someone else is a tall order. Success requires being able to continually move the relationship forward. This is done by making decisions.

Many seem to think that being the dominant in a BDSM relationship is easy. The idea of having someone under your control adhering to every wish is a fantasy that can evolve in real life. However, few look at the burden one is required to carry. If you lack the ability to make decisions, you will find that your relationship simply goes in circles. Growth is proactively sought out.

Each of us has experienced those times when we could not make a decision. These times see us experiencing the awful feeling of stagnation. Life is meant to be lived in a forward direction. Standing still means we are actually moving backwards. Part of your responsibility as the dominant one in the relationship is to ensure that things move forward. Work on making decisions to guarantee this occurs.

A good place to start, if you haven't already done so, is to decide what you want for lunch. One decision starts the entire process.

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February 24, 2010

Where To Find The Lifestyle

Many go seeking this way of life. The search usually begins by visiting different web sites and blogs amassing information along the way. Sadly, much of this is misleading but that is a topic for another day. While traveling around the web, our prospect starts to interact with doms and subs encountered in the chat rooms. After some time, perhaps this individual will get into some type of online relationship.

The problem with this approach is that it is often externally focused. I have seen so many who get involved with a dom or sub (Master or slave) only to walk away from the lifestyle because of conflict within the relationship. The reason this happens is our new person put the cart before the horse. Dedication to another person occurs only after one commits to the lifestyle. This is how I found success in this lifestyle is created.

That being said, the search into this way of life begins with a journey inward. The truth is that both domination and submission reside within the person. It is not something that is discovered outside of oneself. That is not where it is located. Instead, it is the inner search which reveals the truth.

We chose a lifestyle which has the word "consensual" in its motto (Safe, Sane, Consensual). If this is a consensual way of life, how can one realistically have control over another? In reality, he or she is not able to do that. Domination exists only as long as their is consent. Without that, there is no relationship (we are assuming that one is not willing to engage in felonious activity such as kidnapping or hostage taking). Consent is required for success in BDSM.

I had a discussion with someone regarding ownership. After dwelling upon the conversation, I questioned what determines one to be owned. My conclusion is that one is owned as long as one believes it in his/her mind. The submission process exists while it is present in his or her head. Domination is the same way. As long as one mentally is dominant, then it is so. Changing the mindset removes the reality of these situations. Of course, it is helpful to have the mindset reciprocated. One cannot be dominant without another submitting. It takes two sides to make it so.

This might sound contrary to much of my writing. This is not the case. I am not advocating one taking the submission process lightly. Nor am I stating this is a game to be played with. That is part of the online garbage that I see on a regular basis. "Master shopping" is a pastime for many. These individuals are never in a "relationship" because they never fully commit mentally to any of these other people. To them, submission is handed out like compliments. It means nothing.

So, where does this leave one who is presently involved in a relationship? In my opinion, as long as you both are mentally committed to the roles of your particular relationship, regardless of external circumstances, then ownership is present. To me, this is part of being true to your domination or submission. Again, it takes both parties to make it so. Consent on the behalf of each is required.

When looking for the lifestyle in your relationship, simply look at the mindset of the two involved. Just assuming a title does not make one so. Domination requires certain acts, as does submission. Are those roles being fulfilled? If not, what is the mental outlook of each person? I see many who claim to be submissive, as an example, while having the behavior of a dom. Evidently, the overriding thoughts in this case are that of domination as opposed to submission.

Thus, journey inward to find the BDSM way of life. Your place in this lifestyle will quickly be revealed with a little personal reflection. Committing to another person is a voluntary choice. Remaining true to that choice is often difficult but does yield terrific dividends in most instances. As long as you both are mentally involved, domination or submission prevails.

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February 22, 2010

Being True To Your One

Many talk about living in this lifestyle and being obedient to their Doms/Masters. Sadly, for many, this is all talk. It seems, judging by the chat on different sites, that reality is something completely different. This idea is in keeping with my other observation that few are truly cut out to be in this way of life.

M/s is an extreme part of the BDSM world. It is not suited for everyone. Unfortunately, many seem to think they are ideal for this since there is the desire to "submit" to another. This is a fallacy. M/s requires a submission that is beyond the comprehension of most people.

To be successful in this way of life, one must be true to her(his) Master(Mistress). This means the submissive individual is willing to completely ignore his/her desires for the sake of the one that was submitted to. Again, many will claim this but encounter difficulty when faced with it in real time. Reality rarely reflects the online fantasy.

The online world has a way of glorifying the BDSM lifestyle. Based upon the images conveyed, many believe that BDSM is nothing more than a 24/7 sexfest with complete service to one's Master. There is the belief that life suddenly will be fulfilled with one as the total focus of Master. Again, this is a scene played out daily online. However, reality plays a different tune.

For starters, few are in a financial position to dedicate exclusive focus upon a slave. People need to earn a living and that requires a grand amount of our time. Plus, it usually is the slave who is responsible for complete focus on the Master, not the other way around. He is the one who owns her. It was she who submitted to him.

Being true to your one means maintaining that focus without exception. What is it that a slave wants? Ideally, she will want her Master to be happy. Anything that enhances his happiness is what she should desire. Of course, there are times when this might go against her personal wishes. Masters can be temperamental beings. We desire many different things and chose a life where we can fulfill those wishes. A slave who thinks it is her place to deny that to him is mistaken in her role. She exists in the relationship to enhance, not take away from.

An example is when a Master wants to take another on. This could be either temporary or permanent (relax few things in life are permanent). The bottom line is that he has an interest in being/playing with another. That is his choice as a Master. A slave's place is to be supportive of his decisions regardless of what that means to her. Naturally, it most often reduces the focus on her with the other person garnering it. This is a difficult proposition to handle.

A slave who is true to her Master understands the parameters of the lifestyle and what "total power exchange" means. She is not in control. In the aforementioned example, I have seen many who want to dictate the terms of his choice. Again, this shows how one is not really into giving complete control away. She is trying to manipulate the situation to please her. This is not being supportive in my opinion.

All terms and parameters are established by the Master. That is the nature of the M/s lifestyle. Of course, this is a rather rigid way to live. That is why it is at the extreme end of the BDSM scale. Many are better suited for the D/s way of life. This allows them the freedom associated with submitting while maintaining control in those areas that he or she wishes. Being true to your one means being able to following all mandates regardless of your personal desires. From my observations online, this is something only a select few can ever hope to accomplish.

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February 21, 2010

Healthy Self Esteem

How important is it to have a healthy self esteem in the BDSM world?

This is a question that I have pondered for a while. I see many who seem to lack the basic belief in oneself, especially among the submissive types. This lifestyle evidently has a way of attracting those who are seeking to have others make them feel valuable. Perhaps this is why so many BDSM relationships end up failing.

As a Master, I can emphatically state that it is impossible for me to "totally carry another" in a relationship. Too often I have seen people who have absolutely no self-worth. These people are always a challenge to deal with. Without a basic belief in oneself, no relationship will ever be healthy.

Nothing frustrates me more than dealing with someone who is completely unbalanced. Emotional security within oneself is crucial. Too many seem to lack this basic component. That being said, they come to the BDSM lifestyle with the intention of solving their problems. Without a basic self-worth, is it any wonder all their relationships ended up in failure. BDSM is not the solution. This is just another bust added to the train wreck called life.

This is one of the reasons why we see so many enter/exit the lifestyle. They simply do not have the ability to make any relationship successful. Expecting someone else to magically wash all your problems away and make you feel good about yourself is an unrealistic expectation. This is true whether that person is called Master, Mistress, Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend.

A relationship involves two people. Both parties need to have a basic self-assurance to make it work. There is enough difficulty in meshing any two people together. When one is looking at the other to bear the complete burden for the emotional state of both parties, the path to breakup is being laid. This is something I witnessed countless times over the years.

If you are presently not in a relationship but looking into one, I would suggest you first consider where you are with your self esteem. Are you at a place where you have a healthy outlook about yourself? If you are one who is even willing to consider a question such as this, then you are further along than 95% of the population. Most will not even consider something of this magnitude. Nevertheless, a good self-worth is critical to the success in any relationship. BDSM is no different.

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February 17, 2010

Why This Lifestyle?

Why did you choose this way of life? Is this something that you actually asked yourself? Or did you just happen upon this way of life and figure it was for you? Whether you asked yourself this or not, there is a reason you chose this way of life.

As I travel around the web, interacting with different people, I find that many are in this way of life for reasons other than their free choice. Usually, people are trying to compensate for something that was missing in their life previously. This is a valid reason if they were proactive in trying to alter things. However, most are simply replicating previous mistakes.

I believe the most basic reason why many submissive types choose this way of life is because they are seeking someone to take care of them. Throughout their lives, every relationship was a train wreck. This could be from parents to spouses to siblings to children. Whatever the relationship, it always ended in catastrophe.

This is where the person encounters the BDSM world. All of a sudden, the idea of being taken care of is inherent in the lifestyle. Initially, much of the appeal is from the fact that the Dom/Master is responsible and our submissive type is only to follow orders. This is so attractive to someone who spent time unsuccessfully traveling from relationship-to-relationship. A pseudo-parent is established.

So, are you looking for a parent to take care of you? If this is your reasoning, you might be disappointed in your BDSM endeavors. While we operate from a place where there is a clear line of power, we still are involved in relationships. People need to interact in a mature way.

Therefore, it is important to ask why are you in this way of life? What is it that you are seeking to find? Is this the only way for you to fill what is missing? Or, are you trying to make up for failures in other aspects of your life? It is time to get honest.

Success in any relationship requires a certain degree of maturity. One of the advantages of childhood is that one is not responsible for a great deal. Perhaps our greatest challenge is to figure out ways to avoid boredom. The big stuff like bills, clothing, and groceries are taken care of. Who wouldn't want that way of life? However, part of the process is growing up. Unfortunately, many who are attracted to BDSM missed this simple fact. They are chasing after something for all the wrong reasons. In the end, more heartache results.

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February 16, 2010

The Danger Of Blind Obedience

I was in a chat room the other day and witnessed something that I saw many times before. There was myself and a sub in the room when another "Dom" entered. He proceeded to chat with the sub telling her how she should behave and what a sub is suppose to do. It was interesting because I never once saw him present himself as worthy of being a Dom. Again, just because he says he is one, does it make it so? If that is the case, then I am an astronaut.

This is an example of how blind obedience can be dangerous. Now, I am not saying this person was not a real Dom nor that he lacks the ability to control. I have no way of knowing. The point is that if a sub follows blindly in a situation like this, he or she might end up getting hurt. Sadly, this is something that I see all too often.

Many would feel that nobody would follow an individual of this nature without knowing anything about him. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Many will "submit" at the drop of a hat. They are so desperate to find someone to "own" them, that they go for anyone who claims to be dominant. This is occurring everyday in chat rooms all over the place.

My regular readers know that safety is of the highest concern. I promote this every chance I can. One needs to be willing to look out for his or her safety regardless of whether a Dom or a sub. Certainly, the onus should fall to the Dom. However, many do not take that seriously. This is why a sub needs to be attentive to what is transpiring and say "no" if he or she is put in jeopardy.

Obedience is a fundamental premise of this lifestyle. Nevertheless, there is a line to anything that involves consent. Disobeying because you do not like the idea of something is inappropriate. However, if you (or your children) are put in danger, then it is time to stop the proceedings. Blind obedience can be fatal.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are chatting with someone.

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February 15, 2010

Master-slave love?

There was a thread on the An Owned Life social site that dealt with love and the M/s relationship. This is an interesting topic since there are so many degrees of love that we encounter. Within this lifestyle, we see no concrete answer either. People experience different things. The interaction between two people is personal.

Love is found in many relationships that we have. That being said, we know that "not all love is created equal". For example, we love our children, parents, spouses, friends, and other relatives. However, the "love" we feel is different. Nobody can claim the love for a spouse is the same as one feels for a parent. While they are both love, they vary in depth and degree.

Naturally, one is not better than the other. A love for our parents is an amazing experience. So are the feelings we have for our true lifelong partner. Some might try to classify each type but in the end, it is still love.

In M/s, we see all kinds of relationships formed within the lifestyle. Perhaps most common is the one which has a traditional component in that there are two people involved. These two are in a feeling-based relationship built upon love; it might be a marriage or something similar. Either way, the relationship is primarily built around that love. In this situation, the BDSM component is added to further enhance their relationship.

Then there are those relationships that seem to lack the "love" component. Whereas the situation before contained the romantic love component, many BDSM relationships aren't this way. Instead, there is an interaction which seems "feelingless" from the outside. This is not the case. There are many who have a type of love which is not the toe-curling, take-your-breathe-away. Rather, this resembles more the love has for a family member. It is there and both people know it yet cannot be put into words.

Is one better than the other? Only you can be the judge of that for yourself. Each person is responsible for defining and creating one's own relationship. There are many personality types out there and not all will fit into what you are seeking. It is important to find the type of "lover" you require. Not everyone is into deep, romantic relations. Nor is everyone cold and standoffish. People have a wealth of experience based upon upbringing that makes them the person they are today. Compatibility is something that everyone should prospect for. In the end, it is a vital component.

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February 14, 2010


Where does the line between having fun and actually being a mature person take place? I see many who like to "play" online. This is an activity that I have participated in quite often. We all need to let loose and "take our shoes off" once in a while. However, the question I have is where does this end? In other words, can this be an indication of something more than just playing?

The reason I bring all this up is because I see many engaging in their little online goofy games. Many times, the actions I witness is that of a child. The maturity level of these people is instantly called into question. Of course, one of the advantages of chat rooms and forums is that we can let loose "the child within". I feel if the activities were left at this point, things would be alright. But, my opinion, is they are not.

It takes maturity to make relationships work. This is not an earth shattering proposition. Nevertheless, many who play online seem to simultaneously have issues in their personal lives. This makes me wonder whether the online immaturity is really a reflection of something deeper. Can they really let the "games" go and deal with another in a mature manner?

Sadly, I will say that many are dealing with something deeper. This seems to be magnified on the submissive side of the equation. For whatever reason, this lifestyle attracts many who are incapable of dealing with people on a rational level. Instead, they behave in childish ways in every aspect of their lives. Ultimately, this creates chaos in their relationships.

I have never encountered so many people who lack basic social skills as the BDSM online community. That being said, I have to admit that I havent spent a lot of time within other online communities so, perhaps, it is just the online immaturity I am witnessing. Nevertheless, this seems to transcend into the real lives of people. It is amazing to see "mature" people so incapable of dealing with life. It is as if BDSM is being used as a way to hide from life.

I don't know if the rantings of my mind make any sense today. However, I see so much immaturity I am starting to wonder where all the "grown ups" are. Just food for the mind.

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February 13, 2010

Telling Your Troubles To Others

Have you ever noticed how there are some people on different websites who just have to tell you all the issues that are going on in their lives? This is something that personally drives me nuts and these are people I try to avoid.

Psychology calls these people "emotional vampires". They are the ones who will suck the energy right out of you. No matter what is going on, they always have to turn the conversation to them. Sometimes they don't even offer the courtesy of pretending to be concerned about you.

I had an instant the other day where I was hit by one of these people right off the bat. My first question to her was "how are you". The immediate response I got back was "shitty". Now I know this individual is dealing with a few issues in her life at this moment. However, it still was not something that I wanted to get into. This is a girl who I have known for 7 years and the answer is always the same. Her life is hell no matter what is going on. And the worst part about it, is that she feels the need to share it with everyone. For this reason, I always have kept my interaction with her to a minimum.

This tendency is something I see among many within the BDSM community. While I am not sure whether it is any worse in BDSM as compared to the traditional world, I certainly see it as a problem. In fact, if you look at many of the BDSM blogs, they are nothing more than "bitchfests". Little knowledge or experience is imparted. Instead, it is a forum where attention is drawn to garner sympathy. It is sad.

Of course, with blogs, one always has the choice whether to read it or not. This isnt the case with chatrooms. This is another area where they vampires turn the entire conversation to the ills in their life.

The truth is that most people do not care. I am not saying this to be mean but it is just reality. While I will listen with some compassion to the break up of a neighbor's relationship, I honestly am not too interested in her dilemmas. I have my own life to lead.

Problems within our BDSM relationship(s) is something we all face. Difficulties are a part of life. People need to accept that. BDSM is not an easy road to travel. There are an assortment of hardships that arise which are foreign to the traditional model. We all have issues that are unique to our situation. Burdening everyone else with your misery will not improve your situation. It will only show your emotional inablility to deal with your life issues.

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February 12, 2010

Manipulation Through Guilt

This is a subject that is broader than BDSM. However, I decided to comment on it since much of what we do in this life is simply a microcosm of human nature. Manipulation is something that many (if not all) partake in to a certain degree. Nonetheless, it is an area that can create problems in the BDSM world.

A sub/slave's place is to obey. Depending upon the structure of the relationship, his or her obedience is unquestioning. In the M/s facet of this life, a slave often loses all rights to having his or her desires fulfilled. The only way this can occur is with the blessing of a Master.

Human nature is such that we all wish for certain things. This concept applies to all areas of life. Slaves enter into relationships with their Masters with ideas about how they want things to transpire. A natural occurrence but one that can lead to disappointment and manipulation.

Many claim they are faithful and obedient. These characteristics might be accurate. However, many of these same people are highly manipulative. They engage in behavior that is designed to foster the fulfillment of their own wishes. Sometimes this takes on a subtle form while, other times, it is blatant.

Guilt is one of histories greatest tools for motivation. This mechanism is very powerful when you are dealing with someone you care about and vice versa. Families are a prime example. Many will use the feelings of their loved ones to their advantage. By placing guilt, people often crumble and do what we want.

Slaves will do this same thing. Because a Master has concern and feelings for a slave, he or she might start trying to "guilt" the Master into doing things. I have seen many who will throw out statements referencing what he or she is not getting. Things such as "you never take me anywhere" or "you rarely pay attention to me" are all designed to have the Master experience guilt. And, this is nothing more than a manipulative way to interact. The slave is pushing for what he or she wants.

M/s is not designed to be this way. Certainly a slave can request the fulfillment of any desires. Yet it is up to the Master whether they are fulfilled or not. In the end, if he or she is rejected, that is the conclusion. However, reality often takes on a different twist. Many times the manipulation starts.

Guilt is something that is so commonplace within society that we often do not even notice it. Since we witnessed it from a young age, we feel it is normal. It is not. This is a tool that people use to try to gain the upper hand. Anytime a slave is engaging in this behavior, he or she is at risk of punishment. Manipulation, in my opinion, is spitting in the face of this lifestyle. To me, this is nothing more than a slave taking the power granted back. If that is what he or she wants, perhaps it is best to look for different way to structure a relationship.

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February 11, 2010

Trust In A Sub/Slave

I often see people referring to the importance of trust and how it is crucial that a Dom/Master earn that before one submits. This is something that I obviously agree with. People who blindly throw their trust around are, at best, foolish and, at worst, putting themselves in a dangerous situation. Since the trust aspect of a Dom/Master is well chronicled, I will not delve into it here.

The topic that I do want to comment upon is the trust that a sub/slave needs to earn from the Dom/Master. This is a subject rarely broached online yet seems to be of utmost importance. For whatever reason, since the online world promotes submission as a "gift", it believes that a sub/slave's perspective is what matter. This is something that I disagree with. The reality of the situation is not exactly what it seems.

To start, there appears to be few "Masters" out there. While the chatrooms are full of people claiming to be them, this is not the case. Few have ever ventured into real time. From my perspective, there seems to be a lot more submissive types than dominant. The numbers in the rooms also reflects this. Thus, online is overrun with "slavies" while being bare on "Masters".

Another issue that I have uncovered is the fact that so few truly have what it takes to live this lifestyle. Trust is an important factor that must be earned. This takes time. It is also a fragile commodity which can be broken rather quickly. Just look at Tiger Woods and his relationship to understand how hard it is to maintain that balance. He torched that bridge with little prospect of rebuilding. The same is true in our way of life.

I find that trust is lost each time I am disobeyed. A true slave will do everything in her power to fulfill my requests. There are times when certain actions cannot be taken for various reasons. When this is legitimate, trust is maintained. However, when manipulation, laziness, defiance, or anything else of that nature enters, the trust level is send sinking.

Many seem to think that one having the desire to submit is all that is required and that a Dom/Master should be in nirvana that she chose him. To me, this is only the starting point. Every aspect of BDSM centers around a relationship of some type. M/s (D/s) are no exception. Many of the same relationship building traits exist. Trust is a long-term endeavor.

So, is a sub/slave worthy of your trust? This is the million dollar question. Will she obey and complete the directives given to her? Is she one who will spend the proper time in reflection and learning to ensure her growth over the long-term? Does this lifestyle appeal to her because she wants to shed responsibility onto someone else because she cannot handle life? And, is she one who really understands what submission is about and that this life has very little to do with sex? Those who buy into the online fallacies are apt to struggle. This will also create major trust issues in your relationship.

Anyone who is seeking a Dom/Master needs to look at his or her ability to earn trust. Believe me when I tell you that someone who is real is seeking a person he or she can have that faith in. Obviously, a submissive needs to be sure the potential Dom or Master is real. But after that, you will see that person is looking for signs that you are worthy. It is a two way street and in true BDSM, the power resides with the other person. Keep this in mind as you are out that interacting with others.

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February 9, 2010

Love and BDSM

This is one of those subjects that causes great confusion among people entering the lifestyle. Where does love come into play in a BDSM relationship? Does it exist when there are multiple others involved whether it be poly or a multi-sub (slave)situation? Each of these answers provides insight into the type of person one is dealing with.

Like most of this lifestyle, there is no clear cut answer that fits all conditions. BDSM relationships are wide and varied. That is one of the amazing aspects of this way of life: people have the freedom to structure relationships however they see fit. Unlike traditional which promotes only one basic concept, BDSM offers every variation imaginable.

That being said, the emotions involved vary among the different individuals. There are people who are involved in a BDSM relationship that models the traditional in the makeup of the interaction. They might be married or committed to each other in a monogamous way. Any interaction with others is often just "play" with all emotions reserved for themselves.

Others opt for a poly route where there are different relationships operating simultaneously. In this, there might be a "hub" relationships with the Dom/Master that extends to the others involved. Again, love might be part of the equation or it might not be. It is up to those involved as to what it looks like.

Often a BDSM relationship will have a loving component without the romantic angle. Many are seeking the "Prince Charming" idea. I am certain there are many who fulfill that ideal. However, there are also those who are emotionally devoid of the romantic love. They are not into BDSM for the traditional emotional makeup. Instead, they seek something different.

Does that mean there is not a "love" among a Master and slave. Certainly, especially in a long-term relationship, there is a strong bond that is formed. Is it love? Perhaps it is and, then again, maybe it is not. The individuals involved determine what they experience.

Another aspect that pertains to love is the possibility that it is one-sided. Many slaves have fallen for their Masters only to find the emotions are not reciprocated. While there are probably a thousand reasons why this is so, the fact remains that it is dangerous for one to have preconceived expectations about what he or she will receive. There is no guarantee that what you offer will be given back to you.

The bottom line is that there are many BDSM relationships that contain love as a basic component. However, there are also many instances where this is absent from the relationship. Not everyone has the same approach or ideas about this way of life. When seeking out someone to give yourself to, be sure they are after the same things. Those who try to get more than is available in a particular relationship find they are disappointed.

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February 8, 2010

The Reality of LIfe

Many engage in online for fun and fantasy fulfillment. Moving to real time can also be exciting and highly rewarding. However, it is crucial to remember that BDSM does not exempt us from life. We are part of the real world and that is something that is important to keep in mind.

Recently, I experienced some setbacks. These issues are nothing different than millions of households across the country are facing. However, I bring this up to emphasize that being a Master in the BDSM world does not exempt me from any of these "life issues". All the power I have as a Dom is useless in dealing with certain situations. I am just as powerless as anyone else.

The reality is that BDSM will not solve all of life's problems. I see so many who are catastrophic failures who run to this lifestyle because they believe they will be absolved of dealing with the different circumstances that arise. This is sad because it is just another way to try and shun responsibilities that were never met. Instead of blaming an ex, one can blame a sub or dom, master or slave. Either way, the issues are avoided.

Family, work, financial, relationship; these are all areas that problems arise in. None of us are exempt. It is disheartening to see the "polyanna" mindset that some carry with them into this way of life. We live in a lifestyle with the key word being "life".

Now, I will not burden you with the details of what happened. However, I write these words to forewarn people (especially newer ones) to the reality of life. Do not get caught up in the "honeymoon" of your new lifestyle. It only takes illness faced; one job lost; one family disagreement; one pushy bill collector to snap you back to reality. Many of us live in 24/7 relationships yet we still are living. BDSM is not a way to absolve oneself from the realities of life. If you believe it will, I hate to mention that you might be setting yourself up for failure.

Reality is a tough nut to face. The appeal for many online, in my opinion, is that it allows them to escape reality. When engaging in activities online, one is able to assume any persona he or she wishes. If one does not like how things are going, change is as easy as a new profile in another chatroom. There are no lasting ties to anything in the arena.

We all have problems. The idea is to confront, overcome, and move on. Rarely do things go exactly how we imagine them. Life often throws us a curve ball. However, we will never enjoy the true freedom this lifestyle offers if we simply put our heads in the sand and pretend things do not exist. That is not what emotionally stable and mature people do. Being in touch with reality is even more important in a lifestyle that has so many misleading images associated with it. It is easy to get caught up in the fantasy. Please do not do this.
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February 6, 2010

Emotional Drains

Anton LaVey called them "psychic vampires". Basically, these are the people who will drain all the emotional strength out of you. These are the ones that you dread encountering in a store, hallway, or even on the phone. You know your entire visit will be spent listening to him or her bitch about the state of affairs. "Life is crap" is the overriding sentiment.

I have found many in this way of life who fit into this description. No matter where you go, they are continually complaining about things. This is true whether it is a chatroom, a post on a forum, or a blog entry. His or her life must be put out there for the public to read.

Why is this so common? I have no concrete answer for this. However, I do have a theory. I have noticed that emotional immaturity is prevalent among many who are drawn to this way of life. This seems to be really common on the submissive side of things. It seems many are choosing this life as a means to overcome the failures in other areas of life. Perhaps this is one of the attractions to submission: the ridding of responsibility.

Nevertheless, these people will drain all your energy. Even online, it is difficult not to get emotionally attached to some of the stories presented. Unfortunately, this is most often a waste of time since many of these people are not real to begin with. They are simply seeking an escape for the disaster that is life.

By getting drawn in, one will lose all emotional power. This type of person will suck you dry if you allow it. No matter what happens, they will always turn it around to make themselves the victim. This allows them to post all the ills that happened in an effort to gain the sympathy of all else.

The truth is there is no helping this type of person. Unless they are ready to assume responsibility for their lives, there is not a single thing an outsider can do to assist. All suggestions will fall upon deaf ears since that person truly has no intention of trying to make things better.

What can result if your life is made worse. It takes all our emotional strength to deal with the issues in our own lives. Life is not easy under any circumstance. However, when we expend energy on those who are unworthy of it, we sap ourselves of a valuable resource needed to meet the demands we are confronted with.

In the real world, it is a simple fact that, more often than not, the one offering the help is drawn down as opposed to the other being lifted up. This is something that we all need to remember. There are many in this way of life who simply aren't worth the emotional effort.

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February 1, 2010

Being True

"To thy own self be true"

This is one of Shakespeare's most famous line. It is echoed in many corners of society by anyone who is willing to indulged in personal development. This is also something that I feel is really important if one is to be happy in the BDSM way of life.

One who enters BDSM must do so for the right reasons. At the same time, I feel it extremely crucial that one commit to the lifestyle before getting involved with any one person. The reason for this is because many will exit the lifestyle when the relationship with a particular individual goes bad. This is same as abandoning heterosexuality simply because a marriage ends. Simply because a particular relationship fails to work out does not mean that one is not cut out for this way of life.

Even today, I still find myself in situations where the temptation to be swayed is great. This is where knowing myself and the path that I have chosen comes in. When I am true to myself, I am able to make those decisions that are right for me. Difficult decisions are never easy but they do avoid many headaches down the road. This is especially true where emotions are involved.

BDSM is a multi-faceted lifestyle. One needs to understand what it is that he or she is interested in. Just because someone decides that domination or submission is for them, that does not mean that person knows where he or she is best suited. This takes time and searching. Those who fail to do this end up frustrated and hurt. In the end, their impatience and unwillingness to do the personal work caused the results.

Being true to yourself involved committing to the lifestyle while determining what is best for you. There is a great temptation to live as something we are not. Some of suited to be slaves; others Doms; and others switches. Regardless, it is up to each of us to find exactly what works best for us.

The bottom line is always the personal happiness of an individual. Trying to mold yourself into something that you are not will never work. Some are interested in BDSM only to find out they are better suited for the traditional arena. At the same time, many of us found that we were not cut out for the vanilla world and BDSM is better for us. Knowing oneself is imperative to reach these conclusions.

My experience is that no matter how long one or committed one is to the lifestyle, there will always be forces that will try to draw us away. I have personally experienced this a number of times. There might be family who wants us to lead a different life. Or it might be that person we meet who has an interest in us. Or, perhaps we are swayed by something we read stimulates the romanticizing in our minds. Whatever the reason, we need to determine what our truth is. Only then can we make a decision that is consistent with ourselves.

Sometimes we are confronted with the idea of having to be committed to this "come hell or high water". Nobody ever said it would be easy.

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