Attracting A Sub Online

I wrote this post on my social BDSM site and thought it appropriate to share with you all here. If you have comments, please click the link and comment on that page.

After reading the last few posts on here about the way many approach submissive types with the "I am Master hear me pout" routine, I figured I would relate my experience in getting the attention of another online.

To start, any sub/slave worth a crap need to know you have something to offer her (I will write from the male dominant perspective but applies equally in reverse). Just throwing your name with a capital and a loud bellowing do not cut it. You had better have something that she can latch onto in terms of things that you are able to do for her.

The best way to do this is to get involved with a site like this by posting your experience and ideas. This shows anyone who reads that you know what you are talking about (presumming that you do). Notice how I wrote the word 'experience'. Any fool can go cut and paste posts off a different website. A person who is looking wants to know that she is dealing with someone who has some idea what is actually going on.

I found that well written posts containing plenty of personal experience will draw attention of those who are seeking. There are many who visit a site like this but do not post. However, they do read...every single word. And they process all that is written. Putting yourself out there as someone who is knowledgable will get you noticed and contacted.

The next aspect is to be nice. The loud mouth assholes who are constantly being abrasive are not worthy of anyone's time. And they show themselves to be terrible dominants. This is because a true Dom is confident. One who is bellowing all the time is showing how he lack confidence and suffers from an inferiority complex. They need to intimidate to make themselves feel better.

I will give you an example. I once had a 'Master" in a chat room take exception that I didnt show him respect in front of the slaves in the room. He was getting quite upset because, from what I could tell, his entire worth was tied up in having these characters on a screen strung together to form words respect him. While he got angrier, I simply wrote that my respect is something earned and that, if he wanted it, he needed to show me he was worthy of it. Just saying he is a Master doesnt make it so.

***One side note here: In this case, he might have been a real Master; I had no way of knowing. However, I found that most Masters who live in real time do not get all caught up in having their position recognized. We know what we are when we wake up and when we go to bed. Having the 'respect' through online protocol is not necessary.

FInally, if you have no experience, be open about it. Tell people that you are here to learn. Read, comprehend, and process what is written. Keep posting to show your progession. We were all new once so that is no shame. There are many who are able to quickly become proficient by studying this lifestyle. However, a sub needs to know that you are moving forward and growing. Her trust will increase when she has that confidence. Showing yourself to be someone who is adept at learning is a helpful way to compensate for lack of experience.

BDSM centers around a relationship. When dealing with another, take the time to learn about her. What does she like and how does that compare to your beliefs. If you are a devote Muslim and she a Christian, there might be issues. Red Sox and Yankee fans tend not to get along with each other. Nor do Auburn and Alabama alumni. Sports enthusiasts can clash with artists. Dog lovers have issues with cat people. This is where basic human interaction comes into play. Approach her as a person and learn how she will fit into your life and vice versa. The submission/domination qualities will be revealed in your conversations.

In the future, if you get one of those stupid emails of "I am Master hear me show my insecurity", please reply with this link http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/pg/blog/dennisnajee/read/917410/how-to-garner-a-subs-interest-online

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The BDSM Mindset

A central part of this lifestyle is the separation of power. Whether one is in a D/s or a M/s relationship, the simple fact is that the basic foundation is the exchange of power. It is what separates this type of life from the traditional.

This brings up the mindset that is required for success. Sadly, as I travel around the different chat rooms I frequent, I notice an absence of the mindset that is required for success. It seems many are actually seeking an equal placement within the relationship.

The bottom line is that the dominant person is to lead in the relationship. This entails a great deal of responsibility and should not be taken lightly. In many ways, it carries a similar connotation to that of a parent. Whenever the life of someone else is in your hands, it carries a severe amount of responsibility that should not be taken lightly. This exceeds for more areas than just having a sex toy available to you. Those who cannot undertake this in the proper manner are better suited for something else.

We see the same idea on the submissive side. Many do not develop the mindset of submission. Society promotes equality on every level. Unfortunately, this conditioning is counterproductive in the BDSM world. We establish our lifestyle based upon inequality. There are those who want to control and those who want to be controlled. The meshing of these two outlooks are what allows for success.

Trouble arises when one wants to assert him or herself in ways contrary to this ideal. Also, there are times when one is simply unable to handle the separation of power. Psychological strength, especially on the part of the submissive one, is crucial. Often, a dominant one will want to emphasize the separation of power via erotic humiliation (I wrote a book about this subject found here). A true self worth is crucial if one is to emotionally deal with what is occurring. Again, this start in the mind with one's self image.

BDSM is a wonderful way of life. However, nobody who has lived a day in real time will ever tell you that it is easy. We encounter all the challenges that the rest of society deals with. At the end of the day, our relationships require work and attention. Anyone who believes this is an easy path is starting off with the wrong outlook. There are no free rides here.

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Mindset of a submissive Part II

In the first post on this topic (found here), I mentioned some of the traits that were necessary to have the proper mindset to succeed as a submissive. The reason I bring this up is because there are many who feel they are capable to living this lifestyle, only to realize they are constantly at odds with the one they submit to.

Basically, a submissive is turning complete control over to the dominant person. Obviously, there is a difference in degrees when discussing subs versus slaves. For the sake of this post, I will take things from the slave perspective since that is at the more extreme end. The depth of the commitment requires a much different outlook than submitting for a scene.

To continue, a slave must be strong. Many think this is an oxymoron but it is in fact a basis for M/s success. If a slave is weak, she (he) will ultimately end up as a drain on the Master (Mistress). Instead of enhancing the life of that person, she becomes a liability. Strength is the ability to weather all decisions and prevail regardless of the conditions. The M/s life is not an easy one. Those who do not have the mental makeup should consider shaping their relationships in a different manner.

Selflessness is another trait that is imperative for success as a slave in M/s. Many think they can be selfless but. in reality, are consistently putting themselves front and center. It is extremely difficult to put one's wishes and desires aside in favor of a dominant. Nevertheless, this is exactly what the lifestyle entails. We live under the umbrella of a total exchange of power. Self serving aspirations will cause difficulty since I have witness the manipulation that can occur when present. There are many times when a slave is not given what he or she desires. It is crucial to remember that it is not about you.

Another aspect that is rarely mentioned but vital is complete and unabridged honesty. This quality is obviously a part of all successful relationships regardless of the lifestyle. However, I feel that it is taken to a higher level in M/s. Trust in a slave is of utmost importance. A relationship is tested when a Master loses faith in a slave. The easiest way to do this is to be caught in a lie. Dishonesty is the quickest way for one to question the sincerity and intentions of a slave. Whenever one does this, I take it to mean that his or her desires are more important. This strikes at the foundation of M/s.

The final trait I will mention in this post is the ability to exert silence. There are times when to speak up and times to shut up. A prime example is when other people are around. I witnessed too many slaves disrespect their Masters but voicing objections in front of others. This is not a slave's place. A slave needs to know when to close her mouth and accept (one of the qualities mentioned in the first post) the decision of the Master. If you do not like how you are being treated, then, if the forum was provided, voice objections in private. Nothing irritates a Master more than being questioned by a slave in front of others. It is embarrassing and intolerable.

Take these qualities and compare them to your own mindset. Do you still think you have what it takes to be a successful slave. If so, wonderful. However, if you feel that it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. Remember, M/s is not better than D/s or vice versa. They simply are two different forms within this lifestyle. Your role is to find which best suits you.

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Aftercare Part II

The other day I wrote about the importance of Aftercare as a part of the BDSM lifestyle that does not get enough attention. (Read post here) Aftercare is a topic that receives little attention but is crucial in dealing with the long-term psychology of a submissive.

Basically, Aftercare is exactly what it states. It is the care that a dominant gives to a submissive after a scene. This is an important step to ensure the safe "return" from the extreme that some submissive types can go to. Obviously, the more intense the scene, the more vital that Aftercare is.

Some of the aspects of Aftercare are: dressing wounds, removing accessories used during scene, circulating blood throughout the body especially to areas that were bound, and emotional support through dedicated interaction. For a more specific list, please read the previous post.

One thing that I failed to mention is the times that Aftercare is needed. Obviously, the default answer is that this is something that should always be done. Nevertheless, here are some times when it is imperative that Aftercare be given.

-When a new person is in the scene
-Interrupted scenes where there was a psychological break
-Highly charged scenes in terms of emotion or physical interaction
-Whenever a submissive had a "flashback"
-Excessive abuse whereby a safe word was overlooked
-Scenes with excessive humiliation especially if others are involved since this can take a toll on the sub's self esteem.

Whenever a scene moves into an "extreme" area, it is best to provide Aftercare. This will ensure the confidence of the sub/slave while enhancing the long-term viability of the BDSM lifestyle. Omitting this step often leads to one leaving this way of life since they end up feeling abused. Aftercare is the bridge from the scene back to everyday reality.

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Humiliation Activities Part II

My last post mentioned some ideas of humiliation activities that can be implemented into your BDSM play. As was mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this technique can take the form of either the physical or verbal. However, we need to be careful and ensure that a sub/slave is capable of psychologically handling the play.

Nevertheless, here are some more ideas which will help to stimulate your play.

-Wearing see through clothing only
-Putting the person in diapers/Depends
-Shaving of the head
-Watching you have sex with others.
-Orally cleaning you up after a sexual interlude with another (cleaning up the other person)
-Treating the person like a baby
-Cock and ball torture (males) tit torture (females)
-Renaming the sub/slave
-Spanking
-Face slapping
-Pats to the head like a dog
-Require males to wear a bikini top at the beach/pool
-Have submissive kneel with face to floor
-Stand and face the corner like a schoolchild

These are just a few more ideas which should help you along on your BDSM journey.

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Humiliation Activities

Erotic Humiliation is an aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. Both dominant and submissive parties often find their experiences enhanced by implementing this wonderful technique. As I mentioned in my book, Erotic Humiliation, this is something that both parties should be emotionally and mentally prepared for. Nevertheless, for those with the proper mindset, it is a fabulous way to emphasize the exchange of power that occurs within a BDSM relationship.

There are many ways to approach this technique. As explained in my book, there is both verbal and physical humiliation. Employing both facets will increase the pleasure derived from your scene.

Here are some ideas which can be used to "humiliate" a sub.

-Used as an object like a piece of furniture
-Having derogatory words like slut, whore, sissy, and cunt written on the body
-Made to dress like the opposite sex (especially effective with male subs)
-Require permission to do anything
-Withhold bathroom privileges or make him/her use the yard like an animal
-Make the sub eat out of a dog dish
-Strip him or her in front of others
-Have that person answer the door naked
-Pee or poo on the sub
-Have that person sleep on the floor
-Place him or her in a cage
-Blindfold
-Sexual interludes/servicing of others on command
-Naked in public

These are just a few ideas that you can implement. Over the next couple of days I will add more to this list for you.

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24/7

This is something that many dream about. I encounter many online who seek to live 24/7 with their Masters. Naturally, this is a noble idea. However, many seem to be misguided with what they think that will mean.

Many seem to feel they are not 24/7 unless they are at home naked serving their Masters throughout the day. Of course, with the rare exception of one who is financially free, this is an unrealistic expectation. Few are ever in a position to live such a life.

The more realistic situation is one that models the traditional realm. Relationships in that lifestyle include all different kinds of time commitments. There are things to attend to such as work, children, household chores, errands, etc... All of these things are a part of life. Living in an alternative lifestyle does not alter that reality.

A slave is going to serve in all these duties. Oftentimes, a Master will have her work as a means of providing income to him. This is certainly a form of service to him and his wishes. Tending to his children is also another way that a slave assists him. Anything that is done to make his life easier is part of her servitude. This is what 24/7 is.

Therefore, if you are living in a relationship that models the traditional in many ways, do not fret. Life still exists and we are not exempt. BDSM is not the solution to all of life's problems. Many times attending to the mundane tasks of life is what a slave's focus needs to be.

Thus, when life gets in the way of your 24/7 relationship, remember all those things that a Master needs attended do. Oftentimes, the simplest task is the most helpful.

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Switching

If there is any single topic which creates controversy within the BDSM community, it is the idea of being a "switch". For whatever reason, there is a mindset which says one must be either dominant or submissive. The idea that someone could have both tendencies is foreign to most. For this reason, they discount this sector of people in an unpalatable manner.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered the subject of switches. This is a topic that is not written about too often and I believe this leads many to fail to get the answers they seek. Whenever the topic is broached in forums online, I see the fangs come out. Many are comfortable degrading those who claim to be switches by denouncing their sincerity. The idea that both domination and submission ring within an individual causes others to call them "fakes" and "pretenders". I find this sad since there are so many true fakes and pretenders who need to be called out.

Here is my skinny on people who are switches. To start, they are as normal and natural as everyone else in this lifestyle. Just because they are different does not make them any less so. They play an important role in the BDSM community with the presence being heralded as opposed to denounced. Their quest for happiness is found within the same lifestyle as the rest of us. And, their trek to get here mirrors ours in the frustration and catastrophes experienced in the traditional world.

Switches simply are people who have both tendencies naturally. While this will vary from person-to-person, it seems there are situations which brings out one versus the other. For example, I run across women who like to dominate a woman while being submissive to a man. Their preference is based upon gender. I also met women who dominated their husbands while bringing me in to dominate them. These people use the type of relationship to dictate their choice at that moment. Finally, there are some who allow the individual personality of the other person to dictate how they behave.

This is just a snapshot of some of the behavioral types that I encountered. As mentioned, I am certain there are many more. The bottom line is that these people are just as welcomed in BDSM circles as Masters and slaves with 20 years experience. Online degradation of these individuals shows the fallacy of the people involved in those particular venues. Anyone who takes the time to explore inwardly what he or she is naturally belongs in this way of life. Sadly, as we all know, the online world is full of people who are pretending to be something. My experience tells me it is not the switches who are pretending. One might want to look at the "Masters" and "slaves".

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When The Rubber Meets The Road

There are many pretenders out there. We all know that. The Internet is a doubled edged sword when it comes to meeting people for BDSM: it allows for access to far greater number of people while enabling people to assume any persona they desire. In the end, what is really known about a person is they are text on a screen. There is nothing more unless there is some other form of communication.

Many will take exception with this viewpoint. They claim there are people behind those usernames and characters. That is true, there is someone with a heartbeat. However, that is where the truth ends. Everything else is up for debate. For example, is the person male or female? Is he/she married or single? Does that person really weight 105 pounds or is she 205? None of these answers can really be known unless there is more than online interaction. (In my book An Owned Life, I dedicate a section to the difference between online and real time)

When it comes to BDSM, there seems to be a lot of play out there (and not the good play). I heard so many tales of woe that I am stunned each time I hear about the gullibility of people. People seem to give all they have to people they never even spoke to. And then when things go awry, they are crushed like they lost something real. The truth is that they were played.

Online is not real. I write this all the time. Too many want to make it seem like there is something there when a "relationship" forms. This is not the case. While I acknowledge the Internet is a fabulous way to "break the ice", any relationship that does not move to any form of human interaction is bound to crack. The foundation is most likely built upon a lie.

Whenever I "meet" people online that I am interested in moving into some form of real time, I immediately begin the human process. This starts usually with a phone call. This is a mechanism which is more personal than online and allows for one to gain a greater knowledge of the person. For example, you might hear children in the background (warning sign if you were told he/she is single with no kids). The voice tells a great deal about a person. And you can learn if they are shy or outgoing. These things cannot be learned through chatting online.

When the "rubber meets the road" do you really know what you are dealing with in the person you are chatting with online? Unfortunately, it is only when a desperate situation arises will the truth be revealed. Are you able to count on this person? Is he/she going to be there for you when you are in need? Most likely not based upon the percentages.

Each time I hear one of the heartbreaking stories, I always reflect upon the missed signs. Dishonesty and manipulation are obvious if you know what you are looking for. The rule is that is something seems amiss, it probably is. So often I hear that a Dom/Master can only call at certain times. Why would this be? Perhaps it is because he/she has a spouse they are hiding. Do you have a phone or an address for this person? Or were they hidden from you by some excuse. Does their name come up on a search engine in that town? Most people are involved in some type of organization that will have records or rosters listed online. The point is that a little research will uncover a lot.

Common sense is lacking when it comes to online. People will not tolerate certain behaviors in person yet they fall completely for the manipulation online. For those who do this, they are mostly saddened when the truth comes out. Dishonesty is the prevailing trait in the virtual world. It is just too easy to assume another persona. Be forewarned the next time you are chatting with someone. All is probably not as it appears.

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Simple BDSM

Many ask me how can they get involved in BDSM. For whatever reason, people seem to feel that entering into this lifestyle requires a major shift in their life. While this can be true for one who chooses to go to the extreme, most find that BDSM is an adjunct to whatever they experience in their daily life. The degree one gets involved tends to change over time.

BDSM is about the breakdown of power. We use different techniques to express our position in the relationship. Whether one is a Dom or a sub, all is done to emphasize that place. Bondage is a very effective way to do this.

Before one gets all hell bent on trying to learn advanced rope tying techniques, we must understand that safety is always the highest priority on our list. Whenever restraining someone, it is vital to allow the bloodflow to continue to whatever part is being bound. Be sure to check that you can insert two fingers in between the limb and the retraining device. This will prevent damage resulting from lack of blood circulation.

On of the simplest ways to get into BDSM is simply to restrain a sub's hands behind his or her back. This can be done with handcuffs if you have them or with some soft rope. Tying the hands up will allow you total domination over this person.

I feel it is best to start with your sexual play. While BDSM can be much more than just sex, it is something that most seem to identify with. With this particular situation, a sub who is naked with the hands behind his or her back is accessible to whatever your whims are. That person has no control over the situation.

We can enhance this scene by implementing a bit of role playing. Obviously, the cop/prisoner comes to mind. You can also use the kidnapper fantasy too. Either will further stress the domination and the submission each feels.

In my book, Erotic Humiliation, I mentioned how verbal humiliation can add to a sex scene. Here is an opportunity where that technique fits in perfectly. When your sub is bound and helpless, you can verbally degrade him or her. For many, this will add to the feeling of the scene. As mentioned in the book, it is important that your sub be of the right psychological state before using this method.

BDSM need not be mysterious or complex. The goal is to enjoy yourself in whatever you do. I find that BDSM can take even mundane activities and make them interesting. The division of power is something that you can experiment with. For me, starting in the bedroom is the best place. From there you can progress to other areas of your life. You are only limited by your imagination.

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Verbal Humiliation During Sex

Erotic humiliation is a technique that can really enhance one's sexual experience. The value of this concept it that it is flexible enough to be taken to any degree. It is limited only by the relationship enjoyed by Dom and sub.

Many find it difficult to start putting this idea into practice. In my book, Erotic Humiliation, I mentioned the different types of humiliation that exist. Basically, the simplest are physical and verbal humiliation. A Dom can select ways to degrade his sub by having her perform certain acts or by referring to her in different ways. Done properly, this will enhance the experience for both.

Probably the simplest way to implement this technique is during sex. Verbally humiliating a sub during sex increases the feelings within each person. For whatever reason, society teaches us that much of our esteem is tied to our sexual abilities. Therefore, degrading one about his/her sexual abilities strikes at a level imposed by societal conditioning.

In my book, I mentioned how it is crucial that one is dealing with a sub who is psychologically able to handle the humiliation. The idea is to enhance the experience for both people. BDSM is not about abusing another for personal gain. There are many who suffered abuse as children who never fully recovered from that experience. We need to be mindful of the state of those people before doing something that could cause permanent damage.

Getting back to the sex, we will want to verbally degrade the sub. This starts with selecting a particular body part which is deemed "less than worthy". For a male sub, this is the dick. Telling him how small or inadequate he is strikes at the foundation of a man's worth. At the same time, most women are sensitive to the smell of their pussies or the size of their tits or ass. Mentioning how awful these things are will put her in a position of being humiliated.

Also, there are societal terms such as whore and slut which can be used to liven up your games. Many are taught these are "bad" things to be. Again, cultures have a way of instilling this belief upon people. Calling one these things will using her is a good way to humiliate.

This concept can be expanded outside the bedroom. Once the scene is done, you can implement this in other areas of your relationship. Perhaps, if you have other friends in the lifestyle, degrading him or her in front of them will be effective. I prefer to let everyone at my parties know what a slut I own. In the next section I will write about physical humiliation involving others. However, even limited to verbal will make get her submissive side hopping.

Try this technique the next time you are having sex with your sub. I will bet that you both will enjoy it tremendously.

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Simple Physical Humiliation

In my book Erotic Humiliation, I wrote about the joy of physical humiliation. While this is a broad category with a wide range of ways to implement it, I find there are some basic ways to enhance your BDSM experience.

The entire concept of physical humiliation is to stress the power separation between Dom and Sub (or Master/slave). Many cultures historically have done this so borrowing their ideas offers a wonderful visual.

If we consider some of the Mid-Eastern cultures, they believe that women are second class citizens. For this reason, a woman is not allowed to look a man in the eyes. She walks a few paces behind her "man" as a symbol of the power difference. She is only allowed to speak when he approves it. In short, her life revolves around his wishes.

The same can be used in your BDSM play. While in public, you can have a sub behave in a similar manner. Remove any equality that she might have when interacting with others. Something even as basic as her following behind you will give you a surge of power. It reinforces her submissiveness.

You can do the same thing while at home. You might experiment with having a sub sit at your feet. Or, you can use him/her as a footstool. (Treating another as a piece of furniture is a wonderful way to reduce that person down since it removes the humanness). Finally, dinner can be served to you in the dining room on fine china while she has to eat in the kitchen off of paper plates. If you really want to increase the sensations, implement a bit of puppy play where he/she eats off the floor.

Again, the basic idea is separation of power. Erotic humiliation is designed to make the Dom feel more powerful while increasing the feeling of submissiveness within the sub. The physical aspect of this is fairly simple to do and is rather versatile. You are limited only by your imagination.

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Life Issues

BDSM is a wonderful lifestyle. Yet, it is just that, a lifestyle. For most of us, it is not life. We are still confronted with the same issues that everyone else is.

I wrote about this very subject in my book, An Owned Life. Too many people believe that BDSM is a way for them to escape their problems. Sadly, many get involved only to find out this is not the truth. One's problems will follow regardless of what style of life is chosen.

Many suffer from poor interpersonal skills. This is something that can be overcome by working on one's interactions with others. However, whether one is in a traditional relationship or a BDSM one, the result will still be the same. Someone who suffers from poor interpersonal skills will have difficulty with relationships.

Those who are involved with BDSM chose this way of life for what it adds to their life. Life still happens on a daily basis. We have our share of relationship issues. There are also financial situations which are not enviable. Sickness and death are still part of the program. Anything that the average person experiences, so do we.

The final point that I want to make is that esteem issues are not solved simply by adopting a BDSM way of life. Many new people tend to believe that being owned by another will settle this issue. Nothing can be further from the truth. At the same time, many seem that dominating another will make them "a man". This is equally untrue. It takes a healthy esteem to be able to properly dominate or submit to another. Those who lack it will find their inferiority instilled upon the relationship. This is something that can be overcome if those involved are willing to work on it. However, BDSM will not make up for the lack of esteem.

Do not look to BDSM as the answer to all your problems. Many of us found it to be the thing that was missing in our lives. Nevertheless, this is a choice of how we decided we want to live. It does not absolve us of the other responsibilities of life.

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Systematic Erotic Humiliation

"It is possible to establish a series of activities that all serve to humiliate a sub. As we have shown, everything in this genre is done with the intention of showing the inequality of the relationship while often going against the commonly acceptable ideals of society. A Dom can implement rituals or behaviors into the daily activity of a sub to further impress these points.

The method which a Dom and sub walk in public can be altered to fit this end. In most relationships, people walk side-by-side when going down the street or through a store. This can be amended so that your sub walks behind you. This is more like the Eastern tradition where servants walked behind their rulers. Again, it shows the inequality of the relationship.

I like to have a sub serve my every whim. In addition to preparing the meals, a sub can be instructed to refill your drink, get your shoes, or change the television channel. Being dictated
at is not something that our culture promotes. We are taught self reliance and to take care of ourselves. Having a sub do the most menial of tasks which are easily handled can be humiliating. I found the more absurd the activity, the more the impact was.

You can also take this to another level by having him or her worship certain body parts. It is not uncommon to have a sub kiss your feet in an effort to show his/her appreciation and obedience. The licking of the anus is another activity which shows a sub’s position. Many times, the sub will take a subservient posture when receiving the order and following through. Anytime one is physically lower than another, the concept is enhanced."

Copied from Erotic Humiliation, pg. 45


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Erotic Humiliation: Some Can

The mindset of a sub is vitally important when employing the technique of erotic humiliation. As mentioned in my book Erotic Humiliation, many suffer from psychological issues stemming from childhood. Abuse is a commonplace which too many fail to deal with. They are victims who never were able to get past those situations.

Getting involved in BDSM does not mean that we become psychologists. Nevertheless, it is important to understand how past abuses affect self esteem, self worth, and can impact all the decisions that one makes. Traveling down this road with one who lacks the mental makeup to enjoy it can have adverse affects. The damage caused can be irreversible.

Erotic humiliation is a technique that is designed to enhance a scene. Like much in the BDSM world, it walks the fine line of play and reality. The degradation of a sub is done within the confines of a controlled environment. This is what deparates it from everyday life. The parameters established allow him/her to enjoy the scene while not having the esteem affected.

I ran across a few who will take what a Dom says seriously. This is part of the process through the power exchange. However, a sub needs to be able to separate the scene from other aspects of her life. For example, just because a Dom tells her how worthless she is during the scene, that does not mean it is true in all areas of her life. Nobody is totally worthless. She might be a wonderful mother, successful executive, or tremendous citizen. Nevertheless, during the scene, the Dom might want to enphasize her worthlessness. The fact that it is not true will often allow the sub to have a heightened sexual experience.

BDSM contains a lot of fantasy. We often engage in activities that fulfill people's fantasies. This is one of the highlights of BDSM. Individuals can do things that they would not ordinarily do. Being degraded is something those with submissive streaks often dream about. Making this part of the play scene is a good way to fulfill this desire. Yet, there are those who can handle it and those who cannot. Be wary when touching upon this subject.

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Contracts

Contracts seem to be a topic of discussion periodically in the M/s world. There are even instances where I saw contracts used in the D/s relationship. On the surface, this seems like a valid way to enhance the commitment of a sub/slave. In reality, it is something totally different.

In my book, An Owned Life, I made reference to the use of contracts. Here in the United States, we occasionally see these documents come to light. And they rarely have good results.

To start, the owning of another person, according to statutes, is illegal. Slavery in any form is forbidden. A legal contract is only providing evidence that you are engaging in something that is against the law.

We who are in the lifestyle know that submission of one is consensual. In both the M/s and D/s relationships, there are certain parameters set up which both parties agree to. This is not forced "ownership" like the traditional image of slavery.

Also, the central premise of our way of life is the exchange of power. This is something that is agreed upon by the nature of the relationship. The Dom/Master is in control. All power is ceded over to that person. It is the foundation of how the relationship is structured. This is no different than a traditional relationship where one person is totally dominating. All power rests with one person.

Contracts only serve to create issues if something goes wrong in the future. Marriage was involved in the cases I saw come to light. In these instances, the sub/slave's divorce attorney introduced the document into evidence to prove damages. While the relationship was consensual, the court did not look at it that way. Each time, negative things happened.

I was once told to create a relationship with the end in mind. It is easy to make decisions when you are in love or when something is new. Everything is exciting and fresh then. When relationships fall apart, there are hurt feelings and strong emotions. Legal documentation only can come back and haunt you.

The M/s (and D/s) relationship is a structure that exists without formal paperwork. Just like some choose to take their vows in front of their Higher Being without getting formally married, so too do we design a relationship that works for us. There is no need to have something written on paper. If you see someone promoting this idea on a forum or blog, refer them to this article. It is a stupid idea without an upside.

Besides, a piece of paper is not going to truly increase your power. A Dom/MAster's power is not derived from a contract. It exists because of the manner in which he (or she) conducts each day. A sub will continue to submit when that person is being controlled in a way that works. A contract will not offset a lack of ability.

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Physical Humiliation

Erotic humiliation is a wonderful technique for those who have the ability to handle such a practice. Be forewarned, those with some past issues might have difficulty with this concept. However, for the majority, erotic humiliation is a method for stressing the power difference in a relationship.

Physical humiliation is the act of increasing eroticism by physically embarrassing a sub. Under this technique, the idea is to make him/her do things he or she normally would not do. One such idea is to have that person wear extremely revealing clothing. Another is to have him or her leave the door open while changing in a public dressing room. Example such as these all enhance the D/s interaction.

In my newest publication, Erotic Humiliation, I detail the different aspects of physical humiliation. We can further enhance the experience by implementing verbal humiliation. The idea is to re-emphasize a sub's place and the power that is wielded over him or her. For those who can handle it, some like to get pretty extreme with this concept.

As always, I stress safety first. However, this is one of the most enjoyable techniques that I know. It can be something that is put in just for a scene or it can be the basis for a relationship. Those involved in M/s find this to be a must for their interaction.

Try this technique out the next time you want to improve your BDSM play. I can promise that you love it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Erotic Humiliation

Erotic humiliation is something that is tough to describe. Some believe it is a form of abuse. Others feel it is an erotic technique which adds another level to their interaction. My belief is that it can fall into both categories depending upon the individuals involved.

The technique of erotic humiliation is the act of degrading a sub/slave either physically or verbally (or both). Many find this adds to the "separation" of power in the BDSM relationship. The more one is put down, the higher the Other is elevated. It is a method which many subs derive added pleasure and excitement.

However, there is a downside to all this. If this is done with someone who is not able to handle it, the results can be devastating. Many suffer psychological effects from abuse. Those who do not deal with this situation can find erotic humiliation to be detrimental. Instead of adding to a scene the outcome is more abuse.

Like anything else, communication is key. It is imperative that two people sit down and discuss the effects of what is going to occur. Is there something that one has a hangup about? Are there things in his/her past which could cause someone to "lose" it during the scene? These are issues which should be discussed.

Dominating is as much about psychological control as physical. Anyone can physically dominate another as long as there is a size/strength difference. Yet, controlling psychologically is another matter altogether. It takes skill, awareness, and understanding. In addition, it requires one to spend the necessary time learning about the sub so as to successfully navigate the scene. Erotic humiliation is one technique that requires additional knowledge.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Looking Past The Sex

Many are attracted to the lifestyle initially because of the sexual aspect. Some submissives crave being taken and used sexually. Simultaneously, many Masters love the idea of having one at His complete disposal. To have someone obey His every sexual whim is something that is appealing to a Master. However, anyone who is involved in this for any length of time will know there is a great deal more to the lifestyle than that.

I meet many who claim to have the desire of being a 24/7 slave. The tendency is for them to focus on the sexual aspect. They love the idea of being "taken" at any time while used as a complete pleasure toy. Serving their Master for His pleasure is their goal. However, many fail to visualize past the sex part.

What does being a 24/7 entail? Sexual submission is certainly part of it. However, there are many more aspects which one should consider. While many will talk about pleasure versus domestic slaves, in reality, they tend to be one in the same. Some will take sex slaves periodically. Yet, this is usually not under the 24/7 category. A slave is used however a Master chooses. There are times where He seeks pleasure while wanting His domestic affairs attended to.

When one is looking at the 24/7 lifestyle, one must consider what it is like to be a domestic slave. A slave's time is spent more on satisfying her Master in that area than is spent in sexual activities. Are you one who desires to spend your evenings after work cooking, cleaning, and other tedious tasks. Those with the "homemaking" mentality will not have a problem with this. Some who have a more wild spirit might resist this change.

Another thing to consider is doing without your Master's attention. Many fail to understand that once one submits, she is without any rights. Ponder how big a statement that is. If a Master elects to focus His attention on other areas of His life, that is how it will be. Can you accept waiting at home for Him while He is out? Are you one who cannot live without the constant contact of your Master? This might be a real possibility.

I write this without the intention of trying to dissuade anyone from entering the M/s world. Yet I feel it necessary that one goes into this with a full awareness of what life could be like. The polyanna attitude will only work for so long. Ensuring that a M/s relationship survives requires effort, work, and realistic expectations. Knowing oneself while understand how you will react in certain situations helps to prepare one for what occurs.

BDSM is FUN

This is a point that many miss; especially newer people who are concerned with doing everything the correct way. We often use the term "lifestyle" when describing this way of life. That is because for many of us, it is just that. However, as I mention repeatedly, the BDSM world is wide and varied. Many choose to only partake in certain aspects of it. How one implements this in his or her life is a personal matter.

Society has a way of wanting to remove the fun out of sex. I will not engage in that debate here. Nevertheless, certain sectors of our culture want to trivialize the sexual experience. At the same time, these same people use terms to belittle those who live in a different manner. People are often called queer, perverted, sick, etc... The "moralists" believe they know how people should behave.

Fortunately, those of us who chose this as a way of life care little what those people think. This is part of the freedom that it offers. It seems that while we are happy to engage in bondage, we do so less than society in general. BDSM is the breaking free from the bondage of limiting ideas. Your sex life is suppose to be fun. It is something for you to enjoy to the fullest. If something interests you, while not hurting another person, why shouldn't you be allowed to participate. That is what we strive for with BDSM. It is a voluntary way of life.

So here is my suggestion: relax. Being new to something is never easy. Yet, we were all new to BDSM at some point. The experience holds freedom and excitement if you are willing to participate. For me, it starts with the understanding that you are here to enjoy yourself. BDSM is fun. Always remember that.