Domination Through Bullying

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.

Strength?

Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.

Domination

One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Know Your Limitations

Knowing your limitations is a helpful concept no matter what walk of life one chooses. However, it seems to me that many on the dominant side of the BDSM world have not grasped this concept. Instead, they believe they can handle everything and present a 'complete package' to the world. This is not true.

The Human Condition

The human condition is something that cannot be escaped. No matter what one tries to do, at the end of the day, he or she is still human. Of course, this can present problems if one is putting forth the notion that he or she is infallible. Mistakes are a part of this equation and people need to own up to that fact. Too often, either the dominant and/or a submissive, will put that person on a pedestal. This is a situation which only establishes a downfall.

At the same time, we are all limited in some capacity. To start, human beings have to deal with the element of time. This means that one can focus upon whatever he or she selects. However, it is impossible to concentrate one's attention on everything. Like the old saying, you can have anything you want, you just cant have everything. We have to make choices based upon personal priorities about which we deem important.

Therefore, the idea that we are perfect or adept in every area is misleading. The online world makes it easier to present this image since the realities of life are often masked. Being 'virtual' enables one to smooth the rough spots by hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately, if something is going to progress, the truth needs to be revealed. Perhaps this is why so many opt to remain in the online domain.

Honest Appraisal

For one to be able to learn what limitations exist, first it is crucial that one have the ability to honestly assess the situation. This is where problems can arise. Often, as human beings, we have a slanted opinion of ourselves. What this means is that many lack the ability to be honest with themselves. Instead, they will 'soften' the truth. It is not uncommon for one to state "I am late once in a while" when, in fact, he or she is always tardy. The point is that we routinely need the outside assistance of others to get an accurate assessment of ourselves.

Of course, there are many glaring defects which the individual might be aware of right off the bat. For example, it might be evident that a person suffers from procrastination. In fact, this person might beat him or herself up repeatedly about the inability to overcome this issue. Either way, the truth needs to be uncovered.

Routine self-appraisal is something that I see lacking about the online BDSM world especially among the dominant ones. These are individuals who seem to believe they have it all together. It is apparent in the way they handle themselves. Oh the bravado. Sadly, this is all it is. Anyone who claims to be on this level is truly delusional.

This weekend was a reminder of my limitations. I will stray outside the BDSM environment to mention something on a personal note. My daughter graced us with a visit after some months of being absent. While on decent terms, this is a relationship which saw me as the absent parent. This has left me ill-equipped to deal with the circumstances that come with a teenager. In other words, my parenting skills are lacking a bit.

My point here is that I had to own up to the fact that I have limitations in this arena. Since I have no practical experience in dealing with a creature of this nature (and I am starting to question whether the teen years allow one to exist as part of the human condition), I had to invite the assistance of another. Fortunately, my slave went through life with a teenage girl so she has greater understanding (and patience) for what they bring. This is an occasion where I admitted my limitations.

This concept applies to all aspects of our lives. Too often, we try to do too much. This is especially true of those who are really driven. Motivation is a wonderful thing, yet it can cause one to be overwhelm. Being able to own up to the fact that one reached a limit is a healthy exercise. Those who pretend the opposite is true are dangerous people. They are the ones who tend to overstep the bounds and that is where people can get hurt. This is true either for him/herself or another in that person's care. Safety often ceases to be an ability with a person of this ilk. Keep that in mind.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Dominating From Fear

I often write about the tendency for people to use fear as a tactic for domination. Of course, this is not domination to me but, rather, domineering. People of this ilk tend not to know what the lifestyle is all about. Being a bully is not dominating yet many seem to think this is how a relationship is run.

Weakness Versus Strength

To properly dominate, one needs to come from a place of strength. Many enter the lifestyle believing that simply because he or she has a natural tendency to dominate, that is sufficient. This is completely incorrect. Often, those who fall into this category succumb to the need to use fear to control. My belief is because this is the only emotion they really are intimate with.

Anyone who comes from a place of fear is showing weakness. When fear controls our decisions (i.e. lives), then that person is continually beaten. Fear is an awful Master. To properly dominate another human being requires strength.

Domination is a quality that is placed in many naturally. However, simply because the quality exists does not mean this person is able to control. As I often point out, the process of dominating begins with oneself. If one has no control over his or her decisions, feelings, and actions, then how in the world could that person expect to effectively control another?

Those who take the time to battle fear have the opportunity to operate from a place of strength. Learning the psychological and mental aspects of domination enables one to move away from the fear-based tactics. Nevertheless, this can only result if the individual is able to manage his or her own fears. This truly is what separates the true Masters and Mistresses from the pretenders.

A Hundred Forms

Fear can manifest itself in hundreds of different forms. We are all aware of terror, dread, and anxiety. However, it is important to remember that fear emerges in other ways. And, the psychiatry profession hands out scripts like Pez to combat this single emotion.

The greatest impact fear has is in the area of self confidence. Those who do not manage fear and allow it to dominate the decision-making process tend to have esteem problems. Fear is a relentless attacker who delves into the psyche taking more and more. The result, after decades, is a person who is completely enslaved.

Of course, when we focus our attention on the BDSM world, we can see how a person of this design has a difficult time controlling another. He or she is naturally going to operate from a place of fear since that is what is known. This means that the only technique utilized is fear. Those without self confidence cannot effectively dominate. It is that simple.

I will caveat by saying that those who approach this lifestyle with the intention of learning and understanding will, proportionately speaking, have better esteem than those who come from the place that "I am a natural dominant". The reason is that "know-it-alls" are simply covering up the fact that they do not know. It is impossible for anyone to know everything. A person with healthy esteem can admit this. Yet one with low confidence cannot own up to this because he or she believes others will think less of him/her. It is absurd but this is the thought process.

Cockiness is another sign that a person lacks the proper self confidence to dominate. Again, we see a person who appears one way while actually compensating for an internal lack. This is obvious in the abusers who feel the need to bully another. Anyone who studied psychology at any basic level knows exactly what this person is doing. Sadly, most succumb to it because they does not have this knowledge.

Therefore, the key is to find the person who is confident without being arrogant. At times this can be difficult to distinguish. However, with some practice you can pick up on the motivating factor rather easily. A confident person will make a statement without the need to continually defend. He or she will maintain a consistent demeanor regardless of the situation. Ultimately, a person of this nature understands that he or she will be able to transcend the present circumstances. This is confidence. He or she does not have to convince you with words because ultimately the actions taken will win another over. A confident person carries a demeanor that says "I am in control of myself first and foremost". This is a far cry from that of the cocky person who is busy telling everyone how great he or she is.

Remember this the next time you encounter a supposed dominant online. Ask yourself, is this person coming from a place of confidence or cockiness? The answer will reveal a great deal about the person.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Dominant All The Time

We all have our Masters. This is simply a fact of life. Those who live in the real world understand this simply yet imperative concept. However, many seem to like to exist in the fantasy of the Internet which presents a different outlook.

Quality

Domination, like submission, is nothing more than a quality that a person has. It is something that comes naturally. For this reason, I find the path into the BDSM world is about uncovering what is naturally within a person. Too many try to 'become' something. My experience is that one needs to look within to see what is already there in an effort to expand and grow that aspect of oneself.

Nevertheless, since we are referring to something that is a quality, it is important to realize how that fits into our lives. Domination is something that comes naturally to many people. However, when one realizes it is a quality (characteristic) of a person, he or she understands that one does not live 'all domination, all the time'. We all have our Masters.

For example, I am of the dominant ilk. Over the years, I owned a number of slaves. My natural desire is to bear the full responsibility of each situation. Control is something I desire, not to make up for a lack within me but, rather, to appease what is at my core. In other words, it is safe to say that I easily fall on the dominant side of the coin.

That being said, there are times when I am as submissive as they come. No, this does not make me a switch. However, put me in front of the judge and you will see a subservient Master. "Yes Sir or Ma'am" will be uttered quite frequently. The same is true when I am pulled over by a police officer. In reality, there are certain people who have control over me because of the authority they wield. If the choice is between keeping my statements respectful or going to jail, the former is the option I like.

Common Sense

When dealing in reality, common sense is a trait that need to be practiced. Too many like the idea of residing in the fantasy world of the Internet where he or she can assume a role completely. While this might have some payoff in terms of enjoyment, nobody, in their right mind can assert that it is real. No common sense is required in this arena. People can be as foolish as they want usually without consequence.

The situation is different for those who dwell in reality. We all need to be prudent in our choices. Those who lack this ability end up creating more trouble for themselves. Those who want to be dominant all the time suffer ill consequences. For example, have you ever walked in and told the owner of the company all that he or she is doing wrong and what you 'know' what needs to be done? If you did, how was that received? Those who walk around the workplace dictating to everyone else what needs to be done, especially without the authority to do so, find themselves out of work. Unemployment is a common outcome.

Relationships are the same way. Most people gravitate towards equitable split relationships. For this reason, most do not like to be 'controlled' by their friends or lovers. They like to have some say in what is done and decisions that are made. Our 'eternal dominant' elicits ill feelings from others. The 'take charge' attitude wears on people. Thus, the consequence is usually a lonely existence.

Common sense dictates that there situations where it is proper to assert one's domination. At the same time, there are also many instances when backing off is the best option. Usually, there is a correlation between whether it is my business or not. If it is my responsibility, then I can express my control. Anything outside of that realm sees me just being overbearing and a know-it-all. Minding my own business is a lesson that is extremely important to learn.

In summary, it is unrealistic to believe that one is dominant all the time. There are situations on a daily basis which mandate letting someone else make the decision. The reasons can be due to authority, experience, or responsibility. Either way, there are times when it is best for a dominant to be submissive while keeping his/her mouth shut.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Domination: Taking Responsibility

Responsibility is something that many in society talk about. We are taught that one is to be responsible. For example, males are taught they are to work hard and be good providers for the family. One is suppose to take care of those who are dependent upon him (her). We are told this is what 'responsible people do'.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Society would be better off if more had this outlook. My observation is that we are going in the opposite direction. Overall, I sense the 'blame game' is more prominent than personal responsibility. Everyone has an alibi and is quick to put it to use. While not wanting to turn this post into a political rant, it is safe to say some of the industrious values of yesteryear were replaced.

BDSM: Contrary to Society

Much of my writing focuses attention on the fact that those who live the BDSM lifestyle need to have a mindset that differs tremendously from the average person. We walk a path that adopts outlooks which are not taught in the traditional world. Instead, we are programmed to obey the overriding social mores that are presented to us. Those who break free and enter this way of life, to some degree, cease thinking in the traditional terms.

Regardless of what the general consensus of society regarding responsibility, the fact is that those who enter the BDSM lifestyle must be willing to accept this on every level. This is especially true of those have the dominant quality about them. I see so many who proclaim to be 'Masters' yet are completely ill-equipped to serve in this role. As opposed to be responsible, they fall into the normal mindset of 'it isn't my fault'.

Therefore, for those who seek to live according to the principles of BDSM, it is imperative to adopt an outlook that is contrary to the view of society at large. Responsibility is just on of those areas.

Domination: All Your Fault

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my fault. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

Being a victim is not in the makeup of a dominant. If you are one who falls into this habit, then I suggest you re-evaluate your choice. The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go awry. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A slave is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy slave seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave 'surpass' the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "the buck stops here".

If a slave makes a mistake, it is up to a Master to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to him to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is his fault. And, he is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the slave is not worthy of being called a Master. Ultimately, unlike the self titled people on line, this is something that is earned. Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Societal Lies: Domination

BDSM involves power exchange relationships of some type. This is the essence of the Domination/Submission part of the acronym BDSM. However, these are two qualities that society doesn't necessarily promote.

Domination-Not Overtly

Society seems to preach domination. It talks about being in control and taking charge. In the business world, we are taught to forge ahead while making the company more profitable. The wealthy are glamorized on television and in magazines. We follow the lives of Lindsey Lohan, Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, etc... This is a part of Americana that we cherish.

However, society actually degrades these people in a not so overt manner. We are taught that the rich take advantage of people and the wealthy are mean and arrogant. People like Donald Trump are equally pounded for having an oversized ego as for the deals he puts together.

At the same time, the male species was 'wussified' by the ever evolving sentimental mindset. Aggressive behavior is no longer an admired trait but one that gets a person entered into counseling. Men were taught to be sensitive; that it is okay to cry. They were taught to get in tough with their 'feminine' side so as to be mindful of feelings. The hard, coarse Marlboro Man was replaced with the Metrosexual.

In short, society is promoting its equality concept. A strong man being in charge is underhandedly slapped down. The elite write papers and books describing how destructive the animal instinct is in mankind. One who acts in an authoritative manner is found to be mean and insensitive. At the same time women were shown how to assert themselves more. It's no longer a 'man's' world. Instead, the battle of the sexes forged a new interaction with each genders roles changing.

Masters/Doms

Most Masters/Doms do not have what it takes to control and dominate. The natural instinct that was within each of these individual's was stamped out of them by society. Few are skilled at the art of making decisions, providing leadership, and taking control in risky situations. Instead, most excel at the fine art of procrastination, indecision, and indifference. This makes one a good slave in society's eyes (its goal) but an awful person to be in charge of a D/s relationship.

Those who succeed in power exchange relationships do not buy into the lies of society. One needs to know in his heart that it is perfectly acceptable to choose a life of domination. Since that is what is within one naturally, it is an easy transition to make...if one is willing to engage in the proper mindset. And that is where most fall down.

Domination is not something that can be faked. A submissive who is seeking someone to assume control will not submit to one who lacks the skills to uphold her. While some will impress a new one in the immediate term, the truth is that long term domination requires the skills I mentioned previously. Self discipline, another factor rarely talked about in the victimization world, is another component that will enable one to follow. However, as can be guessed, most lack this ability which negates their domination.

Masters/Doms need to continually have the mindset of excellence. The idea that one is moving towards elite status is what separates him from the masses. And separation from all the other noise is required to get (and keep) the attention of a true submissive. Excellence should always be on the mind of a dominant one. He is not one to settle. Everything around him is subject to his control. This is contrary to what society promotes but is basic for success in the D/s world.

So once again, excelling in the BDSM world requires one to shed the mindset that society promotes and not buy into its lies. Domination is just example of how many are ill prepared to live this lifestyle. It necessitates a total transformation in one's thinking.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Sub versus Slave

This is one of the eternal debated within the lifestyle that has raged since one first put a collar on another. Today, I am going to spell out some ideas that should clarify this tussle once and for all.

Submission

We often talk about submission and the viewpoint of a 'submissive'. These are terms that tend to be all encompassing capturing a wide range of people in the mix. While this is acceptable for most discussions, I am going to delve a bit deeper to clarify this for everyone.

A 'sub' is simply a person who is submissive. This type of person enters into a relationship commonly referred to as D/s. Here, one gets involved with a Dom/Domme for the purpose of interacting in a relationship. These two people establish the guidelines for the relationship and take it as deeply as they decide.

The key aspect with this relationship is that the 'sub' has the choice a say as to what the parameters are. Typically, there are aspects of this relationship which are 'off limits'. The Dom/Domme has control only over the areas that are agreed upon. Because of this dynamic, 'no' is always a viable option for the bottom.

Another fundamental component is that the sub is a person of a submissive nature. Since the entire relationship is built upon the domination/submission dynamic, one person needs to fill this void. A sub is a person who commonly submits naturally. Of course, as mentioned, there are certain areas where the dominant one cannot exercise his/her control.

Slavery

Slaves tend to be submissive in nature also but not always. The reason why I state this is because, in consensual slavery, those who aren't submissive typically will not be drawn to this way of life. A person of submissive nature is attracted to the idea of ceding control over to another. However, as you will see, submissiveness is not something that is important.

When one enters into a M/s relationship, he or she is agreeing to submit to that person in all areas of life. In other words, all boundaries that are established are made by the Master/Mistress. Negotiation, debate, and compromise is not part of this equation. The exchange of power is obvious while being complete. Anything that is agreed upon is only done with the consent of the dominant one. This is a remarkable difference from the parameters established in D/s.

'No' is never an option for a slave. To deny a demand is simply to rock the very foundation of the M/s agreement. When one 'submits', he or she is agreeing to give up all of oneself. This is where the concept of 'property' enters into the picture. An person is owned once he or she grants the power over to another.

So, if submissiveness isn't the most crucial factor of M/s, then what is? The simple answer is obedience. M/s is established upon the premise of unconditional obedience. One need not worry about submitting but, rather, obeying.

Repeated Submission

A sub engages in what I call 'repeated submission'. What this means is that on a daily basis, many times, a sub will have to decide whether to acquiesce to the order placed upon him or her. Each interval is confronted with the question should I or shouldn't I? This is not so for a slave. A slave does not submit repeatedly. This process occurs once. After that, submission isn't sought but, rather, obedience.

Many will consider this a fine line. However, I feel that it spells how far apart the two life paths are. Subs do what comes natural by submitting to another in those areas which he/she is comfortable. If, at any time, one feels that a Dom/Domme crossed the line into an area that is off-limits or unnatural, he or she is within reason to say 'no'. Again, a slave doesn't have this luxury. He or she selected a path (slavery) that is dedicated to obedience. The fact that is it consensual does not alter the makeup of the relationship. Slavery has not changed in 2,000 years. Throughout history, one was simply expected to obey.

Sex Slaves

What about those who profess to be 'sex slaves'? Aren't they dictating what aspects their submission applies to? I would answer this by saying they are...and that is why they are not slaves. Slavery, by its definition is complete. Those who are 'consensual sex slave' are either ones choosing to submit in the sexual arena only or role playing with their partner. Most use the term 'slave' because they receive an erotic uplifting by thinking in these terms. Nevertheless, these people are not sex slaves.

The true sex slave is one who is not engage in the practice consensually (for the most part). We see these individuals in reports on television. Sex slaves are people who are taken from their home(land) and sold into the sex slave trade against their will. Their 'service' isn't only obligated to sexual matters. Instead, their entire lives are controlled by their captors. This is a remarkable difference from what our 'sex slaves' on the BDSM sites are referring to. Again, that is something completely different.

In closing, I want you to consider the traditional model of slavery. Today, we differ in the fact that consent is required. However, once we attain that, the same rules apply bearing in mind that we still live in a society with other laws that we must follow (that caveat is aimed at all those who want to debate this point by stating 'you cant kill her even if she is your slave'...yeah no shit Sherlock-that is called murder in most countries). A slave's effectiveness is judged based upon obedience. His/her outlook is irrelevant as long as the task assigned is completed to satisfaction. The consent to living as a slave is all that is required. After that, no consent is necessary.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Domination: A Misconception

Domination is a factor that makes up 50% of a BDSM relationship. It is impossible to have a relationship without having this. There is nobody for one to submit to unless there is another person willing to dominate. This is just a factor that is indisputable.

Fortunately, there seems to be no shortage of people who are willing to step in and call themselves 'dominant'. Chatrooms and forums are full of people who enter and immediately proclaim themselves 'Masters'. Perhaps there are a few instances where this is warranted but most of them are simply assuming a role. Often this is decided by the societal mantra that one should control and dominant. We live in a culture that promotes the strong while downplaying the contribution of those in roles of service. Everyone wants to be 'Gordon Gecko' of Wall Street fame.

Take Care Of Me

I will show this point by telling you what happens in my own life. My slave cooks for me. She does my ironing. All food shopping is handled by her. She contributes financially to my house. Her efforts help me to work towards my goals. Sexual servitude is performed in any manner I desire. My house is maintained by her both inside and outside. These are just a few of the duties that she performs for me.

This is what a slave does. He or she performs the tasks that a Master (Mistress) sets forth. However, the difference is that I do not need my slave to do any of these things for me. I am perfectly capable of performing all of these duties myself. I am not dependent upon her to take care of me. While she makes my life easier in many ways, I do not need her to do them to get where I am seeking. Her efforts assist me as opposed to her taking care of me.

Many do not fall into the same category. I see many who want a slave who will take care of them. There are many out there who are seeking to have someone provide for them financially when they cannot do it themselves. Others come to depend upon another for emotional stability and look to that person for significance.

This is not domination.

Weakness

Those who look to another to do what he or she cannot do oneself is weak and I do not believe someone without strength can ever dominate another. (As a side note, I do not believe that a weak person can adequately submit to another either. Strength is required on that side of the equation also). To successfully dominate another, I feel that one needs to be complimenting oneself and not replacing a 'lack' within oneself.

To put it bluntly, there are many individuals with lives that are a complete mess. Every aspect of lives are in total chaos. Financially they are in dire straights. Emotionally they are walking around as an open nerve responding to every stimulus out there. Their physical health is awful with obesity and laziness prevailing. They are lonely people without much direction.

The problem arises when these same people enter the BDSM world by stating they are dominant. There seems to be a belief that simply because one bought into the societal notion of power and control then he/she is naturally inclined to dominate another. I find that to be untrue. Domination requires a great deal more than that.

Get Your House In Order

Before you can successfully dominate another, I believe you need to get your own house in order. There are certain skills required to excel in this realm. The fact that one is struggling in every area of his/her life shows a lack of these abilities. Success permeates throughout all facets of our lives. Relationships are about interaction with another person. Those who cannot do this in the 'vanilla' aspects of life will face certain failure here also.

Ignoring the fact that I cannot understand why any submissive will be attracted to a person of this nature, I feel there is a basic component missing from a relationship established upon these grounds. My experience is that a submissive person is seeking strength in a dominant. Now, I know we can describe strength in many different ways but the bottom line is that certain skills lend themselves to life success. Having a person lacking in this strength will result in the relationship being strained. Commonly the submissive ends up having to compensate for what is missing in the dominant. This is a position that I find most true submissive types detest. My experience is that few enjoy being in the dominant position when they entered a relationship seeking to be dominated. And this is exactly what happens.

A submissive is not designed to take care of a dominant. If you are one seeking to be 'taken care of', then I suggest you look at why you are entering this way of life. BDSM is a wonderful choice for many people. However, it is not a substitute for the failure to achieve basic interpersonal skills. Make sure that you have the ability to dominate before you accept taking on someone else. To decide this, look at all the other areas of your life. How are you doing there? If everything is a total mess, perhaps you want to tend to them before you bring on another. A sub/slave should compliment your life, not make it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Emotional Issues

Before getting into today's topic, I will issue a disclaimer of sorts. There are some people who have deep-seeded emotional issues which require professional attention. These are not the people I am referring to. Anyone who is in this situation should always be directed to the proper medical facilities to garner the proper treatment. Mental and psychological issues are best left to the pros.

That being said, today I am going to direct this post to those who seek to dominate (although it is as applicable to submissive types). I encounter so many who like the idea of having someone do everything that he or she is told. Granted, this is one of the benefits of being a Dom/Master. In addition, when one adds in poly, the idea is absolutely heavenly for many. Now, there are two people to serve him or her. This is something that is really attractive on the surface.

Emotional Control

I often write about the need for everyone to focus attention on growth. One area that is highly important is growing emotionally. Most people suffer from a lack of emotional control. In fact, it is so back that many people are nothing more than a raw nerve waiting to erupt. Their entire life is ruled by emotions. They are the classic stimulus-response example. If something happens (stimulus) they instantly respond from an emotional perspective. The emotions are in control.

As mentioned, this is something that much of the population suffers from. It is not just individuals involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Nor is it something that is exclusive for submissives. Dominant personalities are just as inclined to fall off the emotional ledge if they are not careful. That is why I believe all should seek to increase their emotional abilities.

Domination Is About Control

We all have seen children who behave in manners befitting of a child. Sadly, all of us witnessed the same behavior out of adults. It is never pretty to see one 'lose' it emotionally. Whether it is the fits of rage from anger or the shedding of tears in fear, the result is the same: one is not viewed as 'together'. In an age where we are sensitized to the point where it is okay for men to cry, we lost site of the fact that those who are out-of-control emotionally fail to be in control. People refuse to follow basket cases.

Relationships are about trust. Those who are entrusted with leading a relationship must be worthy of that trust. Emotional control is one way this is done. One who has this ability is viewed as strong. Sadly for the masses, the reverse is also true. Domination is about control and it starts with controlling oneself. Make this a priority in your life.

Dealing With Breakdowns

Everyone has emotional breakdowns periodically. This does not mean that we are a candidate for the local loony bin. However, we all get upset to the point where we allow the situation get the best of us. I believe this is human nature. However, there is a far cry from the occasional instance as compared to a personal pattern.

One of the responsibilities of a Dom/Master is to deal with the breakdowns when they occur. Getting back to the nirvana of multiple subs/slaves, one needs to expect that he or she will get hit with simultaneous breakdowns. The term 'threesome' doesnt only apply to the bedroom. Having two woman (in this instance as example) means that you get to deal with twice the issues. Suddenly the utopia that was your life turned into alternative hell. Tears, yelling, and name calling are par for the course. And, I can tell you from experience, the balancing act between the two is impossible. No matter what one does, it is never enough. One will always feels slighted (usually both do). Acceptance that this is a no-win situation is your only chance of survival.

The trick is to get one settled on firmer ground so as to attend to the other one. Of course, this is not always possible. Oftentimes, a Dom/Master is powerless over either since they both are emotionally out of control. This leads back to the original point that growth is the most important priority in any relationship. If a sub/slave is not growing emotionally, problems will ensue in the future. This situation is only compounded in the poly realm. Emotionally immature people do not have the capability to rationally work their issues out. Therefore, the only solution is for a Dom/Master to treat both as children. If you got into BDSM to be a babysitter then this will be heavenly. However, for the rest of us, it is a major pain in the ass.

Consider these words the next time you set eyes on your sub/slave. Is this person growing emotionally? Ask yourself this question on a regular basis. And do not forget to look in the mirror yourself. An emotionally out-of-control Dom/Master is less useful than a submissive. Your work starts with you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Inequality is Natural

Everywhere you turn today we hear people promoting the idea of equality. Phrases such as "leveling the playing field" are tossed about like this is some kind of reality. The simple fact is that most people fail to study history. And, as the saying goes, they are deemed to repeat it.

All Men Are Created Equal

These words were written in by a Founding Father during the establishment of our government. We will leave aside the fact that this person owned slaves (in a non-consensual way) for a moment and point out the fact that this is untrue. All men (people) are not created equal. Many serve a much greater purpose than other. Talents, intelligence, and motivation are not doled out on an equal basis. This is something that most want to ignore.

The truth is that I will never be able to compete with Michael Jordan athletically, Steven Hawking on an intellectual level, or Bill Clinton on a charisma level. All these men are further advanced then I am. Also, their checkbooks reflect how society rewards them at a much greater level than me. The same is true for Oprah Winfrey, Bill O'Reilly, and Donald Trump. These people achieve such a degree of worldly success that they are considered 'elite'.

History sees this same story replayed over and over. There always were elite. Every empire that ruled had its citizens that stood above the masses. Pick up any history book and you will see the same names repeated. Some were philosophers while others were royalty. There were successful military leaders and simple folk who rose to great heights. Cicero. Napoleon. Constantine. Lincoln.

Societal Belief

Society likes to believe in equality. I feel it is comforting for it to carry this dream with it. No place is this represented better than in the institution of marriage. The traditional model holds that men and women are equal in a marital situation. The term 'partners' is often used to describe them. However, further review will reveal how untrue this is.

How many marriages have an equal breakdown of power? Very few. While the institutions might grant equality in its essence, reality shows that one party is always more powerful than the other. Have you ever seen the guy who has to ask his wife to go out with the guy Or the woman who has to clear an expenditure with her man? This deferring of power shows the inequality in the relationship.

If we expand our thinking even further, we see that there is inequality in every relationship. Consider the employer/employee relationship. Naturally, the employer has the authority that comes with the position. But who has the power? That depends upon the relationship. For example, a high producing salesperson in a small firm can wield a great deal of power with the owner since he or she creates much of the revenue stream. Contrast that with a low level clerk who can be let go. This person is obviously has no power versus the employer (supposing the employer operates within the legal boundaries set forth).

Another fine example is friendships. Have you ever seen a set of friends where one was always making the decision for the both of them? This is a situation where one person has the power based upon personality. He or she is simply stronger than the other person in this area. Therefore, the weaker one cedes power over on a regular basis.

Inequality is Natural

Nature adheres to one rule: survival of the fittest. Man is the one being that refuses to recognize this aspect of the universe. Instead, he lives in a dream like state trying to level things out. This is something that we do not see in the natural world. The truth is that things can be cruel at times. Bad things occur on a regular basis. Nature mandates that the strong adapt to survive while the weak perish.

Many creatures are born only to serve as dinner for something (one) else. Take any species and you will see how some of them are taken down by predators. The strongest/fastest survive while the others are eaten alive. Cruel as this sounds, it is the way nature operates. If you want to survive, become strong.

BDSM doesnt mess around with the theory of equality. The very foundation of this lifestyle is inequality. Two people enter into a relationship exchanging power immediately. One cedes it to the other while he or she accepts it. There is no pretense that both are on an equal footing. Domination and submission are terms we use. We understand that each person compliments the other but there is no mistaking the power structure. Dominant personalities are in control while the submissive ones are not. Therefore, the BDSM relationship is the most natural type of structure there is. We live according to the laws of nature.

Remember, inequality is everywhere. Those who are fighting for parity are engaging in a losing battle. There are never equals. One is always stronger than another. History shows us that some are oppressed. However, when those people had enough, they rise up and overthrow those in power. The weak suddenly are the strong. Inequality is still maintained just in a reverse order. BDSM is exactly the same. One is in power so long as he/she is not abusive and dangerous. If that person walks down this trek, the submissive often can take matters into his/her hands as a means of survival. Ultimately, abuser show their weakness through their inability to hold onto another. The situation reverses on them.

BDSM is natural and something that should be embraced as opposed to feared.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Get Your Life In Order

This post is going to be primarily directed at the dominate ones out there. While this will apply equally to the submissives, I notice that people are falling down on their responsibilities. For whatever reason, many think that they can enter the life in a matter of minutes. I notice newer people believe that it is easy to dominate another. This is not the case. Taking another life into your hands is something that should not be done lightly. Yet, so many enter this life unprepared to deal with what awaits them.

You Can Not Give What You Do Not Have

If this were a rule, most people would fail it miserably. We would see the number of people involved in this way of life reduced by 85% instantly. For one to be successful in a dominant role, one must have something to offer. This is a crucial point.

I see so many who approach this life who have lives that are a complete mess. If there is one word to describe it I would use "chaos". They are total failures in many regards while making a train wreck of everything they are involved in. Yet, they believe they are capable of taking on another and running his/her life. Thinking like this is dangerous and bordering upon insanity.

Before you can give something, you must first have that quality yourself. It is impossible to pass along something that you do not have. This is a simple fact of life. Knowledge, experience, and accomplishment are all things that are transferable if you have them. Sadly, most try to assume the role without having the qualities him or herself.

Similarity Repels

There is a saying that like attracts like. However, in the world of magnets, opposites attract while like repels. A dominant and a submissive are drawn to each other because they each fill a role. At the same time, it needs to be noted that the attraction is based upon what each will do for the other. A submissive is looking for certain qualities before his/her submission is fulfilled and vice versa.

One things that submissives want is guidance. They want someone who will successful manage his or her life. A dominant in a BDSM relationship is a leader who makes decisions based upon what is best for the relationship. Usually, submissive types made a wreck of their lives (in my experience) and need direction to straighten things out. At this point, this is where similarity repels. A dominant who has an equally chaotic life will not provide stability and confidence.

How successful would you be if you took weight loss advice from a 350 pound man? Do you think an accountant who owes back taxes is the best person to do your tax returns? Would you hire an imprisoned attorney to defend you on criminal charges? The answer for most sane people is "no". We go to people for help who we think has the ability to provide the direction we need. Obviously, anyone lacking the basic skills in these areas is one we want to avoid.

Get Your Life In Order

Before you decide to enter into this life, get your own life in order first. This is especially true for anyone who is seeking to live as a dominant. If your life is a mess, you cannot rightly expect to be successful with someone else. Taking care of yourself is needed if you are to take over another.

If you are broke, homeless, senseless, and/or addicted to drugs/alcohol, take care of those issues first. Also, if you suffer from an extreme case of immaturity, spend time growing up a bit before entering into this life. A sub/slave is looking for someone to take control. Dominating is a great deal more than just barking out orders all day. It means providing a direction for another life in a way that challenges him/her to grow so as to be of maximum service. This is an impossibility if you are clueless about the general aspect of life. You track record in your life overall serves as a gauge to how fit you are at achieving your ends. Submissive types want someone who will lead them to success. Trying to fake it will not work.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Conversion of Spouse

As I always try to share from my experience, this post is going to take the perspective of a submissive who found this life and is interested in having a spouse join in. The reason I am doing this is because I have yet to come across the opposite where a dominant wants to approach the spouse about this way of life. That is not to say it does not exist, just that I never personally talked to anyone in that situation.

Most Start Vanilla

Because of the way society trains us to believe, most of us begin our relationship journeys pursuing the traditional model. This is what we know and are led to think is the path to happiness. Many of us follow this advice for years before we realize that it simply is not for us. Perhaps we went through a couple of marriages in addition to a host of other relationships. There are instances were children are a result of some of those relationships. These are all factors that need consideration when moving into this way of life.

Naturally, not all who come upon this lifestyle are unhappy with their present situation. Many people are in successful marriages when finding BDSM. However, they find that even though they are content with their partner, they desire a bit more. This is where some of the conflict begins to arise.

It is amazing how people suddenly get the desire to take their vanilla marriage and move it to a full blown BDSM relationship. Again, I am going from the submissive (mostly female) perspective and wanting to get her husband to be a Dom. I cannot tell you the number of people who told me they want their husband to take complete control. They ask "how can I get him to do that"? A better question is how do you make a pig sing?

Internal Tendencies

I am a believer that we all have internal tendencies towards either submission or domination. It is something that might be hidden from us, especially on the dominant side since society promotes against the idea. However, whenever we find an opportunity to engage in this behavior, our natural inclinations can take over. Now, please bear in mind that a natural tendency does not make one a Master or slave. Training is still a part of the process. Nevertheless, the desire is a starting point.

Getting back to the prospect of converting a vanilla person, I believe that most times it is a fruitless proposition. Typically, the spouse of the one who is doing the searching is perfectly happy with the dynamic of the relationship. Sure he might enjoy some kinkier play. But the thought of actually controlling all aspects of the relationship is not to his liking. Many get into relationships with the idea of having an equal partner to share all aspects of life with. Equality is not part of the BDSM life. This is a path that purposely opts for inequality.

Implementing BDSM

So how do you go about if this is the situation that you find yourself in. Well, I would say that you need to accept the fact that this is going to be a slow process in most instances. Some might take to this life instantly. However, I found most who are willing to move towards it do so at a paced manner.

The first thing that I would do is to start getting him reading about what aspects of the life interest you. See what his reaction is. Let him know what your desires are and how you would like to see him fulfill them. Like all things, communication is key. You have a better chance the more you are able to talk about things.

Another suggestion is to be prepared to back off after the initial introduction. It often is best to let an idea sit and ferment. As mentioned, few take to this immediately. There is a chance he will be more accommodating to things if it is presented slowly. Let him adjust. Going straight from vanilla to a full blown M/s relationship, as an example, is not likely to happen.

Some will find that there is a dominant desire dwelling within him. It is possible that this is natural for him even though society promoted the idea of equality. Nevertheless, this does not guarantee that he will be accepting of the change in his relationship. Many do like the equality that a vanilla relationship provides.

Ultimately, you might find that the bedroom activities are all that he is interested in exploring. This is a terrific starting place and probably where most people involved in BDSM reside. Of course, this brings up the question of whether this is enough for you or not. The ones I came across seem to want the total domination that M/s offers. Therefore, I can only conclude that this type of person is seeking a lot more than just being sexually controlled.

The bottom line is that not all people are cut out to live this way. Those who look for it are going after a yen that is within them.. Yet it is unfair to presume that everyone will like this. Be careful with trying to convert someone from the vanilla world. There is a better-than-average chance that he will not take to it. That is just my experience.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

First You Learn Then...

The proverbial cart before the horse applies to the BDSM community. These two go together like bears to honey. People seem to get everything mixed up when they first find this way of life. This post will help to clarify things.

Learn. Learn. Learn

Few seem willing to take the time to learn what the hell this way of life is all about. Instead, they believe because they woke up one day believing they were dominant or submissive, this is the life for them. For many, this is true. However, as regular readers of this blog know, there are many different facets to this way of life. Also, none of us are born with the inherent instincts to be a good Master or slave. Everything that pertains to this way of life requires education, study and practice. It takes dedication to be successful in BDSM.

The foundation of BDSM is a relationship. We are involved with another person(s) to some degree. Hence, basic interpersonal skills are the first requirement. What is sad is that many, if they had any to start, seem to lose these skills once finding BDSM. Common sense characteristics go right out the window. What was once a fairly smart and logical person suddenly because a gullible fool apt to be used by anyone who comes along. This is something I suggest you avoid.

A way to counteract much of what happens, is to educate yourself about this way of life. The simple truth is that much of what we are into is radically different from what the mainstream teaches us. We are into a lifestyle that celebrates power division to the point where a total exchange of power can occur. Naturally, this is far removed from the idea of equality that the vanilla world espouses. Also, we have a terminology and protocol which again is separate from what we grew up with.

Therefore, education is the only proper route to take. Those who seek knowledge by reading and studying are the ones who are going to succeed. Unfortunately, this is the minority of people that I encounter.

Rush Into A Relationship

If you want a sense of how people acted during the Gold Rush in the 1800s, simply look at any BDSM chatroom. You will see people who were in this lifestyle under a week suddenly with their true "One". The submission process takes all of about 5 minutes from start to finish. These people have no idea what the hell is going on yet they are suddenly involved in a full-blown BDSM relationship. Of course, like the Florida weather, if you do not like something, wait an hour and it will change. These relationships end up cracking since there is no foundation with either party.

Resist the temptation to rush into a relationship with anyone in the BDSM community, especially online. The reason for this is simple: a new person cannot distinguish between someone who is knowledgeable and speaking from experience compared to someone who is spitting out stuff he or she read on a website. The pretenders (or fakes) are large in number. Knowing the difference is a skill that is imperative. The only way I know to prepare for these people is to arm yourself with knowledge. Again, this is done by reading and interacting with those in the know.

The Submission Process

In my best-selling book, An Owned Life, I laid out the process in which submission ought to take place. This was developed from watching hundreds of relationships go awry because people "put the cart before the horse". The ideas that I am sharing here follow the same pattern. There is a path to success if one is willing to follow it.

Submission is something that is exciting and natural for those who are designed for it. At the same time, those who are dominant are fulfilled by accepting this from another. However, as you can imagine, the idea of accepting one's submission simply because it is offered is ludicrous. So is offering it to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who comes along. There are certain things that one should look for in another before entering in a BDSM relationship.

The lifestyle has a lot to offer. There are many who committed to this way of life because they did the internal reflecting necessary to arrive at a life-changing conclusion. Most, unfortunately, are not willing to go through this effort. For that reason, we seem to have many "fly by night" people who are here to test the waters out. They get into a BDSM relationship to see if they will like it. Wrong. That is a recipe for certain disaster.

Before anything else can happen, one must be willing to commit to this way of life. Reversing the process is akin to deciding to forgo heterosexuality since your first relationship did not work out. Most fail in their first relationship yet remain true to their sexual preference. The same exists within the BDSM world. One must be true to the lifestyle before committing (through the giving or acceptance of submission) to another. It is logical although something that is commonly lacking.

Your Challenge

Your challenge is to learn as much as you can about the many facets of the BDSM world. After a reasonable amount of study, you should have the ability to interact with people on a knowledgeable level. Believe me when I tell you that it does not take a great deal of knowledge to separate yourself from the pack. Most are playing games in ways which just fulfill fantasies. This is not what BDSM is all about. Certainly, we engage in a sexual element that makes most jealous. However, there is a much deeper level that most seek out. If you are one who truly wants this, I hypothesize that you fit into this category.

I put together my social site as a mean of bringing together people who are serious about this way of life. I suggest you visit it and become active in some of the different forums and blogs posts. There are groups set up which cover some of the facets of this way of life. Join them to start expanding your mindset. Getting involved in the sharing of knowledge is an effective way of approaching this lifestyle. Those of us who are around the block a while are perfectly willing to share our experience with those who truly seek to learn. Is that you?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Trust: Needed For Control

New people often miss this fundamental point. For one to properly control and dominate another, there needs to be trust established. This means, that as a Dom/Master, you better be trustworthy.

How much do you concentrate your efforts on being a trustworthy person? This obviously transcends the BDSM world. However, as one who is proclaiming to be dominant, what do you have to offer that a sub/slave can latch onto? Few every consider this when pounding their chest in an effort to exemplify their merits. Of course, experienced people know this is all a load of garbage. Yet, it must work since so many people repeat the same behavior.

Master Seeks Slave For 24/7 Relationship

Have you ever seen this advertisement? If you visit any number of online BDSM sites, you will see this all over the place. It seems that most think that this is enough to get people to drop to their knees in front of you. Again, since it is so prevalent, I know it does find success. This shows how naive many are who will throw themselves at anyone.

This post will seem like I am bashing the online community (which I am apt to do). However, that is not my intention since I see much of this same behavior in real life situations. Many munches are nothing more than glorified chatrooms with the same idiotic behavior taking place. At some point, you would think that people want to be shown what is being offered. Hell, we don't buy a car without knowing the MPG, lease payment, and insurance costs. Yet, people will offer themselves up to any meathead who claims to be a Dom (Master).

My efforts here are to open your eyes up to another way to approach this lifestyle. Instead of the bonehead ad listed above, let us focus our attention on offering people something. Everything is sales and we are now confronted with the prospect of separating ourselves from the rest of the crowd. Fortunately, I can assure you that it is not that difficult.

What Do You Know?

People trust people who are knowledgeable. This applies to every area of life. We do not want to buy a product from someone who has no idea how his or her product works. Nor are we likely to want an A/C repair person who can't operate a thermostat. Doctors spend years in school gaining the knowledge necessary to perform complex operations. Everywhere you turn, people are seeking those who have knowledge to share.

So, why do you think it is any different in this way of life? Lucky for you, I have an answer for that. Society, in its infinite wisdom, teaches us about all kinds of different topics. Our educational system is designed to produce well rounded citizens. Sadly, the one area that is always overlooked is how to be successful in relationships. The vanilla world presumes that people know how to get along. Judging by the divorce rates in the advanced countries, perhaps it is time for someone to look at that concept. It seems most are inadequately prepared for what awaits them.

This is our training ground. Everyone who enters the BDSM world does so after taking a stab at things in the vanilla world. Society's ethos is in full operation. Therefore, when we are hiring an employee, it is common to ask his or her experience. However, we never ask a potential mate what his/her record is with relationships and how much knowledge that person has which will help make this one successful. Instead, it is one giant crapshoot that ultimately ends up with the attorneys splitting the bulk of the assets.

The truth is, as inadequately prepared as people are in the traditional world, they are even less so for this way of life. There is nothing that one experiences growing up that will convert to life as a Master or slave. It is something that is far removed from most people's natural experiences. Therefore, we need to look at what knowledge is required before advancing forward.

A Natural Tendency Is Not Enough

Many falsely believe simply because he or she is naturally dominate/submissive, then that is qualification to pursue this way of life. I cannot tell you the number of people I encounter who state that they always knew they were a Master or slave. Really? When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I find it interesting that there were children dreaming of being involved in BDSM when they get older. Of course, this is hogwash. People can be naturally dominant or submissive, yet that is not enough for success in this way of life.

One needs to take the time to study the ins and outs of this way of life. Those with experience tend to share their knowledge with others. That is the point of all my writings. I want to convey the knowledge that I gained over the last 10+ years to those who are considering going down this path. All the "secrets" are revealed if you will just read.

And that is your starting point. If you are new, read as much as you can about this particular lifestyle. Type "BDSM" into your search engine and read away. Go 30, 40, 50 pages deep to find blogs where people share experience (it will take you that long to get past the pictures). These places are where you find accounts of actual life situations that people face within this lifestyle. You will garner knowledge about the various aspects of BDSM and then can begin to determine where you fit. For example, the traits of being a sub compared to that of a slave are vastly different. The same is true for a Dom and Master. Consider the differences before proclaiming to be something that you are not.

Writing

Once you gain a bit of knowledge, it is time to show everyone how smart you are. This is not a lifestyle where we are shy. We share all the kernals of knowledge we gain with whomever will listen. This is accomplished by writing.

I set up the An Owned Life Social site with the intention of having a place for people to interact with other in the lifestyle. All are welcomed and are encouraged to express themselves. People with every conceivable background shows up to sites like these. By sharing the knowledge you gained, you begin to stand out as someone who knows a little bit about this way of life. In short order, you will be able to write a much better ad than the one above.

Why do we go to this length? One Word:

TRUST

This is what makes it all tick. You have no hope of attracting anyone who is real and getting them to submit unless they trust you. Trust is something that is important in every relationship. However, since a sub or slave is placed in such a vulnerable position, the need for this quality is magnified. We do everything in our power to gain the trust of another. If we can do that, we lay the foundation for a successful BDSM relationship.

A BDSM relationship is all about control. One person has it because it is given by the other one. I can attest to the fact this will not occur unless there is trust between the two individuals. Again, I am overlooking the online games where one submits to another within 15 minutes of meeting him or her in a chatroom. It is impossible to gain trust in that period of time. That is why most online relationships are just antics. There is nothing substantial to them. Real world is a little different.

To truly have control, one needs to trust you with his or her life. This sounds dramatic until you realize the fact that some of our fetishes played out in scenes can lead to death or disfigurement. One will not safely put him or herself in your hands unless the trust exists. This is something that all dominant figures need to work on. Being capable in the many different aspects of this lifestyle will allow that person to cede control over. Without it, the relationship is dead.

It Takes Time

My present slave is with me almost a year in person. Before that, we spent about a year online interacting. She moved here from another country to be with me. This is not something she would have done without trusting me. However, that does not mean that the trust didnt grow since arriving. As time passes, her trust for me grows as we go through different situations. This is a natural process in most relationships. Nevertheless, people in this way of life seem to overlook it.

Avoid the desire to run out and be a Master overnight. It is not possible. The BDSM world is full of many nuances that take years to uncover let alone perfect. Those who state their "Masterhood" simply by putting a capital M on Master prove themselves to be phonies in short order. These are the people who are unwilling to invest the time in learning what this lifestyle is all about. To them, it is a game. Those of us who live this have a different outlook. To us, it is not a game. We have respect for this way of life and the people involved with it. For this reason, we aspire to elevate ourselves for everyone's benefit. Growth is a fundamental part of our progression.

Thus, if you want to earn the right to control another, make sure you have something to offer him or her. Experienced subs/slaves know all the online cons. You will never attract anyone decent as long as you play the same games as everyone else. Earn their trust by improving your knowledge and abilities. It is only than that you will have garnered the right (and ability) to control that person.

Begin your quest for knowledge by clicking on this link for my bestselling book An Owned Life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Worthy By Showing Respect

I am going to write this post from the dominant perspective. Please bear in mind, much of what I state here can be equally applied to a Dom/Master. This is not a one-sided idea that only pertains to the submissive one.

Do you show respect? This is a question that is only answered by looking at ones actions. Sadly, my only conclusion is that most do not have respect. Instead, they pay lip service to an idea because they feel it proper. Telling me you respect me and acting in accordance to that ideal are two entirely different matters. Those who bridge the two are those worthy of being owned.

I come across so many who are absolutely pathetic. There is no other way to describe them. They are miserable failures in every manner. Just knowing these people are in public makes my skin crawl. To me, they are not worth even giving the time of day. In short, they add nothing to life.

Does this sound harsh? Absolutely. But this is a matter that I feel very strongly about. The BDSM lifestyle is fabricated in its online presentation. There is little that happens in the imagery on the web that has to do with BDSM. Pictures of whips and chains are nice; however they do little to tell the real story of what a BDSM relationship is all about.

Behaviors

A relationship is an interaction between two people. It is that simple. The feelings that we have in a particular relationship is what distinguishes it from other. BDSM is no different. We have deep emotional connections to some (such as a Master or slave) while feeling less for others (someone we just play with occasionally). Obviously, those who make the commitment by choosing a life such as M/s are willing to experience and work through the different feelings that comes with that type of interaction.

That being said, part of the deal is to position oneself so as to make the other person proud. While this might sound a bit superficial, there is a methodology which will show how deep this can go. The actions one takes is what reveals his or her true feelings towards another. Of course, this can often be predicated upon the actions the other person took. Everything we do has consequences. It is important to remember this fact. Monitoring our behaviors help to create positive results.

What We Can Change

In my book Sexual Motivation, I mentioned that there were 4 things that a person needed to focus upon to make oneself more attractive sexually which are also the same criteria that society judges success. Focusing our efforts on these four areas creates a new motivation and success record that will improve anyone's life. One area that I mentioned was the physical makeup of a person. This is one area that we have the ability to change.

That being said, being involved in a BDSM relationship, or more specifically, a M/s relationship, entails showing respect for one's Master. This means one will need to alter behavior so as to act in an appropriate manner. In other words, a slave needs to focus upon doing those things that will make her Master proud. Acting to the contrary tells me that she lacks the respect for not only him, but herself.

Munches can be a lot of fun for those who are into that type of thing. However, since they are in public settings, are you behaving in a way that shows the proper respect for your Master? From the actions that I have witnessed over the years, I will say that is a negative. Many simply behave pathetically when in the presence of others.

How we act in circumstances is something that we can control. While factors such as height and eye color are outside our realm of influence, what we say and do in front of others is not. Focusing on behaving in a respectful manner is of extreme importance. It is the actions that show how you feel a lot more than the words that you utter.

More Than Sir

Many believe that simple calling one Master or Sir is being respectful. That is not respect, that is indoctrination. The military does it all the time. Calling someone a particular title means that you can remember to utter something in a particular way. In this regard, at least you are equal to a parrot. However, this fails to show any respect whatsoever. Hell, all the online fakes sit there spewing "Sir" all day. They have no respect for the people they are chatting with. In fact, many of them are getting their rocks off thinking how absurd it all is. Therefore, the word Sir means nothing.

What shows respect? To answer this, I will tell you to look at the total package from outside of yourself. Simply, how do you think others will view you in different settings? Once you see that, is that is something that a Dom or Master will be proud of? Or, are you an embarrassment of the highest degree? While it might be difficult, I would urge you to be honest. Your relationship is riding upon this very thing.

A slave who has respect for her Master will do everything in her power to ensure that her "presentation" in front of others is in top form. She will dress appropriately. Her body will be cleaned and well maintained. Her every intention is to have him be able to tell anyone "she is mine".

I am reminded of a story one told me about a couple of women she worked with who got into a fist fight in the office. These young twenty-somethings behaved like a bunch of street thugs. Now, this might be a reflection of me getting old, but that is not behavior that I would be proud to have my "girl" engaging in. To me, this is an outright embarrassment to anyone remotely involved with these women.

The same idea holds true for this way of life. When one is behaving in a juvenile fashion, especially in front of others who are in this lifestyle, she is a reflection on her Master. Some might think her immaturity funny; then again, some might not. If I am one sitting there watching, I will think less of that Master because of the behavior of his slave. The same is true if she is dressed like a slob with messy hair and looks (smells) like she hasn't bathed in a month. This all reflects upon the Master in my opinion. A slave needs to take extreme caution to ensure her "presentation" is the best.

*As stated, this idea holds equally true for the dominant person also. So many think that being dominant entitles them to act like total assholes. That is not being dominant, that is being an asshole. There is a major difference. Someone acting like the later will not garner respect from anyone. Certainly, this will not come from a slave who is worth a damn. Those who have healthy self-confidence will not want to associate with a jerk. It is possible to be dominant and respectful at the same time.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Attracting A Sub Online

I wrote this post on my social BDSM site and thought it appropriate to share with you all here. If you have comments, please click the link and comment on that page.

After reading the last few posts on here about the way many approach submissive types with the "I am Master hear me pout" routine, I figured I would relate my experience in getting the attention of another online.

To start, any sub/slave worth a crap need to know you have something to offer her (I will write from the male dominant perspective but applies equally in reverse). Just throwing your name with a capital and a loud bellowing do not cut it. You had better have something that she can latch onto in terms of things that you are able to do for her.

The best way to do this is to get involved with a site like this by posting your experience and ideas. This shows anyone who reads that you know what you are talking about (presumming that you do). Notice how I wrote the word 'experience'. Any fool can go cut and paste posts off a different website. A person who is looking wants to know that she is dealing with someone who has some idea what is actually going on.

I found that well written posts containing plenty of personal experience will draw attention of those who are seeking. There are many who visit a site like this but do not post. However, they do read...every single word. And they process all that is written. Putting yourself out there as someone who is knowledgable will get you noticed and contacted.

The next aspect is to be nice. The loud mouth assholes who are constantly being abrasive are not worthy of anyone's time. And they show themselves to be terrible dominants. This is because a true Dom is confident. One who is bellowing all the time is showing how he lack confidence and suffers from an inferiority complex. They need to intimidate to make themselves feel better.

I will give you an example. I once had a 'Master" in a chat room take exception that I didnt show him respect in front of the slaves in the room. He was getting quite upset because, from what I could tell, his entire worth was tied up in having these characters on a screen strung together to form words respect him. While he got angrier, I simply wrote that my respect is something earned and that, if he wanted it, he needed to show me he was worthy of it. Just saying he is a Master doesnt make it so.

***One side note here: In this case, he might have been a real Master; I had no way of knowing. However, I found that most Masters who live in real time do not get all caught up in having their position recognized. We know what we are when we wake up and when we go to bed. Having the 'respect' through online protocol is not necessary.

FInally, if you have no experience, be open about it. Tell people that you are here to learn. Read, comprehend, and process what is written. Keep posting to show your progession. We were all new once so that is no shame. There are many who are able to quickly become proficient by studying this lifestyle. However, a sub needs to know that you are moving forward and growing. Her trust will increase when she has that confidence. Showing yourself to be someone who is adept at learning is a helpful way to compensate for lack of experience.

BDSM centers around a relationship. When dealing with another, take the time to learn about her. What does she like and how does that compare to your beliefs. If you are a devote Muslim and she a Christian, there might be issues. Red Sox and Yankee fans tend not to get along with each other. Nor do Auburn and Alabama alumni. Sports enthusiasts can clash with artists. Dog lovers have issues with cat people. This is where basic human interaction comes into play. Approach her as a person and learn how she will fit into your life and vice versa. The submission/domination qualities will be revealed in your conversations.

In the future, if you get one of those stupid emails of "I am Master hear me show my insecurity", please reply with this link http://anownedlife.socialparody.com/pg/blog/dennisnajee/read/917410/how-to-garner-a-subs-interest-online

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.