April 27, 2009


When writing about the BDSM world, authors such as myself tend to focus on Dom and sub (or Master/slave). However, we often overlook the third category that many people fall into: switch. For many, this is the one that creates the greatest confusion.

A switch is someone who likes to both dominate and be dominated. It is not uncommon for this to be present in bisexuals who are involved in this way of life. Nina Hartley is an example. She is one who prefers to dominate women yet is submissive to her man. A switch likes to go "both" ways in terms of domination/submission.

People who fall into this category are an important part of the BDSM community. They are no less involved than someone who is fully dominant or submissive. Their choice is simply following an inner desire. For them, being a switch is a natural part of their life.

I have witnessed situations where a "Master" liked to dominate while also being dominated. This is where I break from the normal thinking on this. In this type of situation, the switch is not a Master. His desire to submit shows that he is incapable of maintaining the exchange of power that was granted when his slave ceded it to him. Total power exchange, by it's definition, means completeness. It is not something that a Master gives back to his slave. A true sub (slave) does not want the power back.

My observation is that a switch of this nature is not capable of fulfilling the role of Master. A Master is one who has the inner desire for absolute power. At the same time, a slave has the inner desire to give that power fully. A switch has the desire for both. This strikes at the very foundation of the total power exchange.

Be mindful of this observation when you are trying to determine where you fit into BDSM. Dominant is not better than submissive or vice versa. We all are simply fulfilling inner desires that are part of our natural makeup. If you feel the desire to be a switch, then by all means follow that path.

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April 26, 2009

The Foundation Of BDSM

The power breakdown is what separates a BDSM relationship from a traditional one. This is something that would be common sense to most. However, in reading different blogs online, I find it something that is lacking. So, I will do my best to explain it in clear terms.

A basic fundamental of BDSM is the exchange of power. In simple terms, a sub gives his/her power over to a Dom/Domme. Naturally, this exchange will differ based upon the parameters of the relationship. Nevertheless, the exchange of power is complete pertaining to those areas which are in question.

For example, the typical D/s relationship will see the Dom (Domme) in total control during the scene. While there might be some areas that were agreed upon to be off limits, the power totally lies in the hands of the D. He or she is responsible for the direction of the scene.

If we go a bit further into BDSM and explore the M/s relationship, this is where the total power exchange is really evident. Under these circumstances, a slave cedes all control over to the Master. Again, there might be areas which are fundamentally off limits such as career or children (if not the Masters). Nevertheless, the life of the slave is in the hands of the Master.

I believe that many understand this point in concept. Yet few seem to practice this in reality. In my reading of words written by slave's, I often find myself wondering whether they are the slave or the Master. While claiming to be a slave, there seems to be a lot of "take charge" on her (in this instance) part. To me, this is completely backwards.

I once read how a slave "pulled her Master up" to engage in sex. This really struck me as off base. A slave who is horny is only serviced if it is the will of her Master. It is not a slave's choice when and where sex is to occur. Her desires are secondary to his. That is the basis of service. If one is constantly looking out for her wishes, then her Master's desires are taking a back seat. This is not M/s.

Many will claim that it is up to individual's to establish their relationships as they wish. I totally agree. In fact, that is something that I wrote about quite often on this blog. One of the most attractive aspects of BDSM is the freedom to create a relationship however you see fit. What people do is their business.

What gets my ire is when people misinform people through their writing. If one chooses to structure a relationship in a particular way, that is their business. Nevertheless, do not pass it off as M/s. M/s involves a total exchange of power. When one pushes her desires on her Master through manipulation, that is something different. Many times, this is acceptable to the Master. Again, it works in their relationship yet is not M/s.

The main reason why I started this blog is to clear up a lot of misconceptions that are out there. Sadly, people will rarely admit what they are. A slave is a slave only is he or she takes that part. Many say they are slaves when, in fact, they are subs. They want to maintain some control over different aspects of their relationship. Complete control is given in certain circumstances yet is taken back at others.

The bottom line is to watch the words that people use. In true M/s, the Master is the instigator of all action. When I see a "slave" writing about his or her desires that were thrust upon the Master, I begin to question. To me, this lacks the completeness.

Remember, just because I say I am an astronaut does not make it reality.

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April 25, 2009

A deeper level of BDSM

Many carry an image of BDSM that leads them to believe it is all about whips and spankings. The portrayal of this lifestyle online concentrates on just a small portion of the lifestyle. For those who live this way of life daily, there is so much more than just a scene. Thus, the rewards are far greater than just sexual.

Today, I would like to focus upon the spiritual aspect of BDSM. This might seem contrary at first glance. However, anyone who has come across someone new will know the truth. New people, when first joining this way of life, often get in touch with something very deep within them. It is like they access the 'inner core' of their being. I feel this is a form of a spiritual experience.

To be fair, I will tell you I am not going to go all "woo woo" on you. This is not an esoteric blog focusing on spiritual disciplines. Nevertheless, studies show that in the United States over 90% of the people believe in God. Worldwide, billions of people have different particular faiths they practice. Regardless of the belief, BDSM helps us get into that flow.

Paul Lowe, the self help teacher, talks about how 'most of our neuroses are tied to our sexuality'. The majority of the population is hung up about their own sexuality. It is no wonder they look at those of us in BDSM with distain. They have bought into the sexual ideals that others chose for them.

Lowe goes on to explain that 'once we are totally comfortable with our sexuality, that is when our neuroses disappear and we start connecting properly with our spiritual flow'. I know this sounds a bit hocky until you sit and ponder it a while. Many people who find this lifestyle often get the feeling 'of being home'. It is something they searched for over the years. It is only after discovering this way of life that their life seemed contented.

I believe this is where people are getting in touch with that 'thing that is bigger than them'. We are all created from something. The allure of BDSM is the freeing of ourselves from socially defined norms. This is not done in a rebellious manner. Rather, it is an individual finding what works for them. Being true to oneself is the hardest thing to do with all the influences that exist in the world.

Those who connect with the BDSM way of life have found a spiritual connection. Obviously this can occur on many different levels. The point I am making is that there is so much deeper than just whips and cuffs. Those taking the time can realize a much bigger purpose to their sexual/relationship choices. BDSM is all of that.

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April 18, 2009

Freedom II: Don't Be Stupid

I often write how BDSM is about freedom. In my last article, I mentioned how those who choose this way of life do so with courage. There are many who do not understand this lifestyle, thus those who mention it to their family members risk alienation. My experience is that society looks down upon those who stray from what it considers normal.

That being said, I must forewarn people that living a free life means that we need to void the practice of stupidity. We know there are those who will fail to tolerate our behavior. This can include more than just friends and family. Often, communities will lock people up because it feels that we are participating in something illegal. This is something that all of us need to be mindful of when deciding how much to really reveal about ourselves.

Here is an article about someone who decided it was his right to parade his lifestyle choice throughout town. As you can see, this was met with negative consequences. This individual is now going to spend three years in jail because of his choice.

Obviously, I use this example to show how little understanding and tolerance there is. This person might belong in jail. I have no way of knowing whether he forced women into actions they didn't want to participate in. He might have held people against their will. However, what I feel is important is the outrage among the shopkeepers. They were the ones who first 'dropped the dime' on him. Their intolerance and distaste for the M/s lifestyle (and lack of understanding) opened up the situation where the law got involved.

Therefore, be practical in your approach to BDSM. You must be mindful that the more extreme stuff you get into, the less socially acceptable it is. There are those who seek to do others harm simply because they cannot mind their own business. Again, I am talking about those who are willing consenting to participating in this lifestyle. Those who force others into this are eligible for detention. I will be the first to call the cops on people like that. However, I do not believe the majority of people in this way of life are that way. Instead, they are average people who choose to life in a manner that is different from the norm. Others misunderstanding is not grounds for their persecution.

Don't be stupid. Freedom is a wonderful thing. However, there is a line where your deciding to exert your decisions upon a society unwilling to see your point of view will only come back to harm you. Remember, the numbers are against you. Sameness of thought is the common thread that all societies need to ensure their survival. Ideas that drift from the established norm are stamped out in an effort to maintain order. It has been this way throughout the centuries. Do not put yourself at peril by trying to change a mindset which goes back thousands of years. In the end, you will be the one doing the time.

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We all are conditioned to believe certain things. There are influences placed upon us since the earliest of years. It begins with our parents and grows to include teachers, peers, friends, and the media. Everywhere you turn, someone (thing) is promoting a certain belief.

Obviously there are certain tenets that any group of people will keep. Religion is a prime example. People of the same faith believe similar things. The same holds true for different segments of society. Particular ideals are promoted as being "normal" while anything outside that realm is looked down upon.

This is an important notion to understand if one is going to enter into the BDSM world. The plain truth is that society is not open about readily accepting our way of life. Those who choose to enter into this lifestyle risk scorn from those who are closest to them. Often, family members, as an example, will not understand while demeaning our choice.

My belief is that BDSM is about freedom. Consenting adults are free to opt to live their lives however they see fit. As long as what is being done is not harming others, people are free to life how they like. Yet, this is not how society works. When someone conforms to "their own drummer", certain groups lose control over that person. Conformity is how the powerful exert their control over others. We are all taught to follow the path that is laid out by society.

Sexual freedom is something that few have the courage to undertake. Even though we made lots of progress in the West the last few decades, people in general are still intolerant of those who differ from them. Perhaps this is basic human nature. I do not know. Nevertheless, bringing up the subject of whipping your significant other will get you some odd looks in most circles. People deem that behavior too odd.

BDSM offers the opportunity to shape your life to your desires. It is a process that requires the courage to walk through the judgments of others. Everyone has an opinion and, sadly, most will express it. They believe they know what is best for another. William Shakespeare wrote "to thy own self be true". This statement certainly applies to those who are interested in BDSM.

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April 12, 2009

A Thanksgiving Day BDSM

BDSM and a turkey.

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Simple BDSM

Many ask me how can they get involved in BDSM. For whatever reason, people seem to feel that entering into this lifestyle requires a major shift in their life. While this can be true for one who chooses to go to the extreme, most find that BDSM is an adjunct to whatever they experience in their daily life. The degree one gets involved tends to change over time.

BDSM is about the breakdown of power. We use different techniques to express our position in the relationship. Whether one is a Dom or a sub, all is done to emphasize that place. Bondage is a very effective way to do this.

Before one gets all hell bent on trying to learn advanced rope tying techniques, we must understand that safety is always the highest priority on our list. Whenever restraining someone, it is vital to allow the bloodflow to continue to whatever part is being bound. Be sure to check that you can insert two fingers in between the limb and the retraining device. This will prevent damage resulting from lack of blood circulation.

On of the simplest ways to get into BDSM is simply to restrain a sub's hands behind his or her back. This can be done with handcuffs if you have them or with some soft rope. Tying the hands up will allow you total domination over this person.

I feel it is best to start with your sexual play. While BDSM can be much more than just sex, it is something that most seem to identify with. With this particular situation, a sub who is naked with the hands behind his or her back is accessible to whatever your whims are. That person has no control over the situation.

We can enhance this scene by implementing a bit of role playing. Obviously, the cop/prisoner comes to mind. You can also use the kidnapper fantasy too. Either will further stress the domination and the submission each feels.

In my book, Erotic Humiliation, I mentioned how verbal humiliation can add to a sex scene. Here is an opportunity where that technique fits in perfectly. When your sub is bound and helpless, you can verbally degrade him or her. For many, this will add to the feeling of the scene. As mentioned in the book, it is important that your sub be of the right psychological state before using this method.

BDSM need not be mysterious or complex. The goal is to enjoy yourself in whatever you do. I find that BDSM can take even mundane activities and make them interesting. The division of power is something that you can experiment with. For me, starting in the bedroom is the best place. From there you can progress to other areas of your life. You are only limited by your imagination.

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April 10, 2009

Introducing Others To BDSM

Here is a wonderful videos that talks about introducing another to BDSM. Give it a view to learn some pointers of approaching your significant other with the lifestyle.

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April 9, 2009

4 Basics Accessories for BDSM

Many want to try to complicate their entry into BDSM. They believe that they will increase their success if they spend an enormous amount of money on BDSM 'toys'. For those who are in a position to drop thousands, it might be a way to go. However, for those who have to live within a budget, another path is needed. For this reason, I will share four accessories I feel necessary to get started in BDSM.

1. Rope

Bondage is a vital component to the lifestyle. Most subs will be happier if you restrain them. However, cuffs and exotic bondage devices cost a small fortune. The best way around this is rope from your local hardware store. There are many styles which work. Look for something soft and flexible to allow for a variety of knots. Get yourself a couple hundred feet worth to start. This will allow you to cut segments different lengths to be used for restraints.

2. Whipping Device

There are a variety ways to go for this. My personal preference is the riding bat. I picked a couple up at the local feed store for about half the price of one at the sex shop. Paddles or riding crops also work well. Again, seek stores other than the local adult toy store. Hardware and craft stores often carry items which can be used as a substitute.

3. Blindfold

This is basic, inexpensive, and crucial. Blindfolding a sub will enhance any scene. I love the element of surprise this offers.

4. Candles

Purchase the inexpensive ones at your local discount dollar store. Plain white without all the fancy fragrances is preferable. This will eliminate the potential for allergic reactions to the dyes and perfumes in them.

Wax play is something that most find desirable. A cheap candle burns at a low hear, thus providing discomfort without injury. Most subs like it on their nipples while a few can handle it on the genitalia.

All these items are inexpensive and easy to obtain. Start to fill your 'toy box' with these items. They are versatile in their uses while providing a basis for the BDSM scene. As your desires and abilities evolves, then you can move onto more expensive items. However, this is ideal for getting started.

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April 8, 2009

3 Reason To Get Into BDSM

Most people get into BDSM as a way to enhance their traditional relationship. Often, they are looking for ways to "spice" things up within a marriage (or some other arrangement). A few use it as an alternative to the traditional mode of relationships. Whatever the motivation, there are three main benefits for involving yourself in BDSM.

1. Entertain your dominant/submissive side.

Most people have a particular style which is natural to them. There are some who get sexually aroused at the idea of being tied up. Others experience the same sensation when pondering being the one who is doing the tying. Within each of us, there is a overriding trait (either dominant or submissive) which we are seeking to fulfill.

BDSM allows us to entertain this side of ourselves. Many of us find ourselves in professions where we need to be a certain way. Yet, oftentimes, this is something which goes against our basic makeup. I have met more than one high-powered attorney who was completely submissive. Also, the traditional relationship usually has an equal breakdown of power relying more on negotiation as opposed to domination or submission.

2. It is a terrific way to enhance your sex life.

The drawback to most long-term relationships is that the sex tends to suffer over time. Over the years, people tend to do all that they can reasonably think of. However, getting involved in BDSM opens up a whole new world of sexual fantasy to be explored. The possibilities become almost endless when one starts researching all that is available.

A wonderful aspect of this is that it is simple to get started. Many seem to want to complicate the process. Instead of shopping at the local sex shop (where prices are incredibly high), travel to your local hardware store. You will be amazed what you can do with some rope, wood, and rubber hoses. People with active imaginations can get really creative with what they devise.

3. You will meet some of the most wonderful people.

Whether it is online in a chatroom/forum or in your local community, there are some wonderful people involved in this lifestyle. People come from every walk of life. The majority of people I have met are simply interested in having a good time. Since this tends to be off the "mainstream" path, most individuals seem to be less judging than the average person. Enjoying ourselves while being considerate of others is of utmost importance.

These are some of the main reasons why many people get involved with BDSM. It is a lifestyle which allows for a lot of variety. Some elect to restrict it to their sex lives while others make it the primary foundation. Regardless of what you prefer, BDSM offers something for everyone.

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April 4, 2009

Verbal Humiliation During Sex

Erotic humiliation is a technique that can really enhance one's sexual experience. The value of this concept it that it is flexible enough to be taken to any degree. It is limited only by the relationship enjoyed by Dom and sub.

Many find it difficult to start putting this idea into practice. In my book, Erotic Humiliation, I mentioned the different types of humiliation that exist. Basically, the simplest are physical and verbal humiliation. A Dom can select ways to degrade his sub by having her perform certain acts or by referring to her in different ways. Done properly, this will enhance the experience for both.

Probably the simplest way to implement this technique is during sex. Verbally humiliating a sub during sex increases the feelings within each person. For whatever reason, society teaches us that much of our esteem is tied to our sexual abilities. Therefore, degrading one about his/her sexual abilities strikes at a level imposed by societal conditioning.

In my book, I mentioned how it is crucial that one is dealing with a sub who is psychologically able to handle the humiliation. The idea is to enhance the experience for both people. BDSM is not about abusing another for personal gain. There are many who suffered abuse as children who never fully recovered from that experience. We need to be mindful of the state of those people before doing something that could cause permanent damage.

Getting back to the sex, we will want to verbally degrade the sub. This starts with selecting a particular body part which is deemed "less than worthy". For a male sub, this is the dick. Telling him how small or inadequate he is strikes at the foundation of a man's worth. At the same time, most women are sensitive to the smell of their pussies or the size of their tits or ass. Mentioning how awful these things are will put her in a position of being humiliated.

Also, there are societal terms such as whore and slut which can be used to liven up your games. Many are taught these are "bad" things to be. Again, cultures have a way of instilling this belief upon people. Calling one these things will using her is a good way to humiliate.

This concept can be expanded outside the bedroom. Once the scene is done, you can implement this in other areas of your relationship. Perhaps, if you have other friends in the lifestyle, degrading him or her in front of them will be effective. I prefer to let everyone at my parties know what a slut I own. In the next section I will write about physical humiliation involving others. However, even limited to verbal will make get her submissive side hopping.

Try this technique the next time you are having sex with your sub. I will bet that you both will enjoy it tremendously.

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April 2, 2009

The Reward Box

The other day I wrote about the punishment box. For those who missed it, here is a link to that article. This technique is something that can really enhance your experience with your sub/salve. Using negative enticement can be a wonderful way to display your domination and power. This person will really feel the effects of your wishes.

There is another track that can be taken. Like in most areas of life, we always have the choice to use the carrot or the stick. This is basic knowledge in motivational behavior. Each has it's place although neither is absolute. To best modify behavior, a mixture of the two tends to work best. Just like all work and no play makes one ornery, the same is true for a sub/slave. All punishment and no reward will make them testy.

The reward box is the same as the punishment box except it contains actions which the sub/slave enjoys. I like to fill this with a variety of pleasures ranging from the minimal to the extravagant. Over time, as she "earns" a reward, I will choose something from the box. The anticipation at the surprise tends to heighten the experience.

This is a simple way to create another power base in your relationship. Punishments are at a Dom/Master's choosing. So too are rewards. Using each in the appropriate situation will better alter her behavior. At the same time, it increases the chance for you both to get creative with your BDSM. Thinking out of the box is the ideal way to approach this lifestyle. You are only limited by your mind.

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