December 29, 2013

Back To Basics: Crucial For BDSM Success

A basic fact of life is we get better at something the more we study or practice it.  This is true in athletics, with musical instruments, or any course of study that we pursue.  No matter what the field of endeavor, as we progress along acquiring knowledge, our skills advance.  However, this fundamental fact also carries with it a negative side.  At times, while on this journey, in our thirst for more, knowledge as an example, we might overlook what we already know.

Basic Building Blocks For Mastery

Martial arts is something that many people pursue.  Obviously, we all have seen the movies where individuals are doing incredible things in a fight scene.  Bruce Lee was a master at his craft and, to this day, his movies are classics for those who like this genre.  It was  not uncommon to see him take on 10 or 15 people and destroy them using his advanced skills.  Naturally, the movies are not reality but the point is that the common person is in awe of this ability.

What is interesting about this craft is that those who achieve Black Belt status, do so by mastering a handful of basic moves.  They do not keep learning more.  Instead, their entire success rests upon the repeated practice and "perfection" of these simple moves.  This is what the advanced degrees in martial arts is all about.  Compare that with the general idea about a particular subject where people are always looking for more or newer ways to excel.

To give you another example, the field of sales is a place where companies and individuals are always trying out new ideas.  Every business needs sales to succeed.  Trained salespeople will spend a great deal of time working on their craft.  Again, like martial arts, we find the sales process is broken down to a few basic building blocks.  A trained salesperson excels at prospecting, qualifying, presenting, closing, and follow up.  These are all the steps, the basic building blocks, of sales success.  If you look at an entity that is struggling with their sales, it is usually in one of these areas.

BDSM Basics

BDSM follows much the same pattern.  We see many "advanced" things online pertaining to our way of life that are of extreme interest to us.  For example, travel around the web and you are certain to come upon fireplay.  Or perhaps, you will encounter a site that talks about cupping.  And let us not forget the wonderful artistic work of rope play.  There are many avenues one could pursue which will provide "advanced degrees" of BDSM play.  Having skills in these areas certainly is intriguing and will set an individual apart.

However, none of this guarantees BDSM success  within a relationship.  In fact, from the people I met over the years who excel at these things, a simple observation is that their home lives are usually in the toilet.  In other words, they are not real successful at translating their excellent skills into the daily routine of a relationship.  Naturally, you will wonder why this is?  My conclusion is these people are more about the "craft" and "wowing" people with their skills that they totally overlook the basics which are required for BDSM success.  This is like the highly intelligent nuclear engineer who forgets to put his socks on. 

BDSM is about discipline.  Those who enjoy success in this way of life, both dominant and submissive, are able to tap into the discipline required to make it through each day.  Now I know that last sentence sounds like a downer; "making it through each day".  Nevertheless, we all know that in relationships, as in life, not everyday is going to be totally orgasmic.  There are times when all we can do is just get through the day without ripping someone's head off.  This is a common trait both in and out of BDSM.  Some days just simple suck raw eggs.

Continually focusing upon the basics of BDSM will help one to continually be in touch with that power which comes from this way of life.  Many of us found a great release when we entered this world.  Compared to the vanilla world, BDSM offered structured, control, and direction.  Of course, it is easy for these things to get lost when traveling through life with all its pitfalls.  That is why those who succeed in their BDSM relationships tend to continually apply efforts in these areas.

Return To The Basics

I once heard it said the best way not to have to return to the basics is to never leave.  Sadly, we all know how easy it is for people to drift from this and forget about what leads to success.  Since we are nearing the end of the year, there are salespeople all over the world who are being called into their manager's offices for the annual review.  They are looking at the past 12 months production in an effort to determine where this person can do better.  I can guarantee that most of these conversations, where one needs assistance, is dwelling upon one, if not a multitude of the basics areas I mentioned before.  Perhaps the salesperson needs to do a better job at prospecting.  Or he/she might need some training on closing skills.  Whatever the problem, it has a basis in one of the basic areas.

The same holds true for BDSM.  If you are finding your relationship is having difficulty, perhaps it is time to get back to the basics.  Go back to the beginning.  Look at the structure of the relationship.  Have you, as a Dominant/Master, handed over too much power to your submissive?  It is not uncommon, through familiarity, for a TPE relationship to lose that power breakdown as a slave earns more responsibility.  At times, when returning to the foundation, it is helpful for one to tighten the reins so to speak to reassert the power within the relationship. 

Remember the early stages of your interaction where permission was required for everything.  Is that still true today?  Again, it is common for people to "slip" in this area.  We see where familiarity upsets things.  Over time, as a Master and slave get to know each other, they fall into a routine where things are done without nary a thought.  It might be best to return to the early days where permission to use the bathroom was required.  Instead of entering into all kinds of advanced play, perhaps your session could be better served with some simple bondage to a chair for an extended period while you watch a football game.  A reassertion of the dominance will do wonders for your relationship.

On the submissive side, do you enter into activities with the idea of service in mind?  Remember the early days where you were excited to do even the most basic of tasks for your dominant?  Is that still the case today?  If you are like most, the answer is no.  Now these chores are begrudgingly done.  Again, I am not attacking anyone who finds herself in this situation since it is totally natural.  How long can one make doing the laundry exciting?  My point is that if we focus upon what is important, service in this instance, we are more likely to receive benefit in our relationship.

So examine what you do each day.  If you are involved with someone else, look at the things you both are doing.  Perhaps re-evaluate the rules that are in place.  Look at what boundaries are set up or, more importantly, were set up which were erased.  You might want to think about re-inserting some of the conditions that were in place when you first got together.  If you are not involved, are you doing the things that enables you to offer more to someone down the road.  Are you taking care of your body by eating properly and exercising?  Do you spend time each day reading about BDSM and the different techniques that exist out there?  Are you maintaining discipline and control over yourself to ensure you have these qualities when you do meet someone?  Can you adapt and change to the variances that life presents or is it a continual battle before you unwillingly accept the inevitable since flexibility and the ability to adapt are essential to relationship success?  All these areas should be focused upon regularly. 

Getting back to basics is a model for success in all areas of life.  Apply it and watch how things change for you.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 26, 2013

Taking Care of Oneself

Today I am going to discuss something that should be common sense yet tends to elude so many people, especially those with submissive tendencies.

When you get on an airplane, during the routine where they explain the emergency procedures, when faced with a drop in cabin pressure, the face masks will come down and one should put it on.  One of the interesting things is that they explicitly state that for those traveling with small children, put your mask on first before tending to your child.  This is a very interesting concept.  Why would they do this?

This simple fact of the matter is that one is useless to a child unless he or she is taken care of first.  Imaging trying to put a mask on a child while you are gasping for oxygen yourself.  While some might be able to pull this off, the percentages seem against it.  That is why all the airlines tell passengers to tend to themselves first, then look after another.

Ignoring One's Needs

One of the main tenets of BDSM is service.  Especially in the M/s realm, service is a foundational piece which, sadly, if often overlooked.  The porn industry and the BDSM "romance" novels assist in erasing this central idea.  Instead, they promote the unrealistic aspects of the lifestyle (how many of us really live in a dungeon while beating and screwing another all day?).  Being of service is what a submissive is all about.  When we move into the M/s structure, we see an environment where one exists for the pleasure and benefit of her owner.  Being of maximum use is her calling and where she finds fulfillment.

However, this brings up a situation which is of utmost danger.  While it is wonderful to be giving and selfless, one also needs to think of herself.  What do I mean by this?  The common trait among many submissive types who choose to live this way of life (as opposed to the play persons) is that they are so "other focused" they fail to look after themselves.  This is especially true when one is not involved with another.  Simply because one is single does not mean the tendency leaves this individual.

The truth is we all have basic needs.  A slave who excels is able to balance both the needs of her owner along with herself.  Certainly, she fulfills her role while not abdicating any part of her responsibility to him.  Nevertheless, she also treats herself with the proper respect worthy of being his property.  This is done by taking care of oneself physically (ie proper eating/nutrition, exercise, and rest), emotionally, and mentally.  BDSM is about growth creating the best person possible.  This penetrates every area of our lives.  If one simply overlooks herself in favor of another, this diminishes the value of his property.  At the same time, she also could harm the long-term potential of the relationship.

Self Motivated

As I stated, it is interesting to notice this among those who are not owned.  You would think someone who is not involved with someone, would tend to his/her needs simply out of necessity.  Sadly, this is not so.  The common trait is that one needs the "firm hand" to guide her before progress is made.  To me, this is bogus and a cop out.  The truth is a valuable slave is self motivated to be at her best even if she is not owned. 

This point is really exhibited when I read through profiles on my travels around the web.  We all know that the western cultures have an obesity problem.  BDSM is no different from the general population in this regard.  What I find stands out are all the profiles where one states something to the effect "I need a Master to give me the strength to lose weight because I am not disciplined enough".  Once again, sorry, I do not buy this.  If you do not have the strength and desire when unowned, why would you when you are owned?  Also, why should one take the time to invest in you if you are not willing to do it yourself?

The simple truth is we all know what we need to do for ourselves.  It is not a secret what it means to lead a healthy lifestyle.  We all know the importance of rest and relaxation while doing our best to eliminate stress.  Proper eating is important.  So is sleep and exercise.  Social interaction with others (hopefully over the age of 5 for all you young mothers out there) is necessary.  We also need to turn off the television and Facebook once in a while instead, opting to read a book.  Finally, interacting with our loved ones, non-sexual in nature, is crucial.  All these activities help us to become a well balanced person.  Yet, none of it will occur unless one is motivated on him/her own.

Best Leaders

There is an old saying which says "the best leaders are those who followed the best".  I find this idea very applicable to the BDSM world because I see so much of the "do as I say not as I do" mentality.  The truth is what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  Okay, I am done with the dopey cliches.  My point is that, while focusing thus far on the submissive types, this idea applies equally to dominants.  I am continually amazed at those who are unable grasp this simple concept.  For whatever reason, they believe that being dominant is a license to exempt themselves from everything they state.

A true Master is able to take care of himself.  Many of the same things I mentioned above for the submissives also applies to the dominants.  In fact, this is not isolated to BDSM but all of humanity.  Hence, it is best for dominants to follow the same course of action.  If one is so hopeless without another, what kind of leader will he be?  This is the major question.  How can one possible expect his slave to follow when he, himself, is woefully inept in a particular area?  For example, I see so many who want to control all aspects of a slave's life, including the finances, yet are completely broke themselves.  Now, what do you think will happen in this situation?  Odds are he is going to blow through her money also just like he did his.

At the same time, there are many who seem lost without another.  Those who lack the ability to be on their own will develop dependency issues.  This is where someone will behave in unhealthy ways simply because the fear of being alone is too great.  Sure it is nice to have someone wash and iron your clothes.  However, this is a terrible reason to get in a BDSM relationship.  If you are incapable of handling these tasks yourself, then you might want to re-evaluate why you want someone in your life.  In other words, if one cannot prevail on his own, the odds of enjoying BDSM success are seriously diminished.  Remember, before one can control another, he must first control himself.

So look at yourself and evaluate where you are.  What are you offering someone else?  If we use a car as an analogy, are you a nicely polished, slick model or a broken down old jalopy?  Do you have rust holes from lack of nurturing?  Is the engine basically shot since no maintenance was done and the cheapest gasoline was used?  Was the car housed in a garage and protected from the elements or left exposed to them?  Perhaps it is time to turn yourself into a top-notch, reconditioned model, both inside and out.  Spend the time taking care of and making yourself more valuable.  In all relationships, we need something that we are bringing to the table. 


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 21, 2013

No Matter What

The last couple of posts dealt with commitment and being fully committed to the lifestyle (they can be found here and here).  Basically, I discussed the difference between someone who is approaching the lifestyle like one would buying a car versus the person who is truly committed to living a BDSM life.  Without going into all the details, the overall premise is that one will only be able to experience success in this lifestyle when one fully commits to it.  This is a fact throughout all of life and BDSM is no different.

Starts With Making A Decision

Everything in life starts by making a decision.  This is a fundamental fact that many miss.  It is one of the reasons why most of society is chasing their tail when it comes to personal progress.  We notice this in analyzing the traditional model which was handed down via the overriding dogma.  Few take the time to consider the merits or drawbacks.  Instead, they blindly obey for fear of being an outcast.  In the Western cultures, we see a heterosexual monogamous ideal is the model portrayed.  If one only follows this course, then true happiness is derived.  Naturally, with the divorce rate in the U.S. approaching 60% by some estimates, one is led to question the validity of this concept.

The problem, as I see it, is that most people do not actively or conscious choose what they believe.  As mentioned, they blindly obey trusting that it will result in the desired outcome.  Unfortunately, this often is not the case.  In fact, almost all of us in BDSM found ourselves at this point of questioning.  Since we followed their dogma yet were woefully unfulfilled, we sought out a different course of action.  The benefit to this approach is that we consciously chose to pursue this alternative lifestyle.

It is not common for one to find BDSM "on accident".  At the same time, few are raised with this way of life (although that might be changing).  Instead, we travel the path of "normalcy" before arriving at the point of disgust and heartbreak before seeking out other options.  BDSM is natural choice for us.  And this is where all opportunities are sprung.  Hence, my suggestion is to make a decision to embrace BDSM as the way of life for you.  I understand that you might not know exactly where you fit in.  That is quite alright.  The BDSM world is wide and varied.  The central tenet is that if you found yourself drawn to it and like what you see, there is something within you that is suited for this lifestyle.  It is up to you to determine what that is.

No Matter What

This brings me to the next point that I want to make.  Many make the decision to enter into this lifestyle, to embrace it, only to reverse that decision when things get difficult.  For me to tell you that there will not be pitfalls on your journey would be misleading.  BDSM is not the pollyanna ideal that many online make it.  Sure, it makes for great romance novels but does not mirror reality whatsoever.  We, in the BDSM world, have the same issues that the rest of the world does.  At the center of our lifestyle is the BDSM relationship which, by its definition, means involving another person.  When this occurs, problems arise.  It is that simple.

At the same time, we all know the struggles one goes through in the search for the right person.  The online realm is a wonderful medium to gain exposure to people from all over the world.  Consider the fact that 20 years ago people were obligated only to interact with those in his or her local area.  Munches were about the only way to meet people.  The idea of encountering a sub or slave from a distant state or country was impossible.  However, this led to the create of the online games that many of the pretenders play.  These days, it is impossible to "screen" someone to know they are valid.  In years past, one needed to be recommended before going to a munch.   One was safe in the knowledge that all people were what they proclaimed to be.  Masters and slaves alike were what they proclaimed.  Online, today, that is not the case.  One simply reads a few blogs, some BDSM romance novel, and, presto, instant BDSM expert.  We see this all the time.  It makes the search proportionately more difficult.

So what does one do?  Ultimately there are only two choices.  One can throw in the proverbial towel or persist in the endeavor.  Which direction to take is obviously up to the individual.  However, I can assure you that no BDSM success is found in quitting.  In fact, in life, success is often found after some perceived point of failure was reached.  Certainly for many, the choice to pursue a different course of action is merited in many instances.  Nevertheless, to give up because of a few difficulties is senseless.  Remember, we all encounter the same challenges, especially online.

I found the only solution is to make a true decision to achieve success in BDSM.  What this means is the one commits to cutting off any other possibility other than success in his or her mind.  In other words, you tell yourself that you are going to enjoy what you want in this lifestyle NO MATTER WHAT.  Please reread that last sentence again.  Notice the power behind the words.  The believe that you are going to succeed NO MATTER WHAT is a formula for true success.  It is the key to persistence meaning that you are not going to turn back regardless of the obstacles you encounter.  With this outlook, you resolve will increase the more the pretenders throw in your way.  It is a mindset of 1000% commitment to attaining the ideal you desire.  Nothing is going to stand in your way.  It is the source of true power.

Now, please compare this mindset with that of the tire kicker and determine which is most helpful in your approach to BDSM.  I believe you will see a world of difference between the two.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 15, 2013

Lifestyle Commitment

In my last post, I covered the idea about commitment.  When this term is used, most typically associate it with the idea of being faithful to another person.  For example, partners in a marriage are committed to each other in every way including sexually.  While this is an applicable use for the term, I find that this mindset cuts short the power of it.  As was commitment is the basis for all success.  Without it, one is destined to fail.

Commitment To The Lifestyle

I often write how this is the starting point for all success in BDSM.  Throughout the years I noticed that people tend to sabotage their chance of success within this lifestyle simply because they fail to take this one act.  It is truly amazing how this error causes so much destruction.  However, what does it mean to "commit to the lifestyle"?

BDSM is considered an "alternative lifestyle".  What this means is that it is not considered mainstream.  Naturally, we could engage in tremendous debate as to what exactly is mainstream or "normal".  Nevertheless, we will leave that subject to the philosophers of our time.  For our purposes, it is sufficient to understand that our way of life is not part of the common dogma espoused by society.  Therefore, it requires a conscious decision to enter it.  Those of us who live with this as the core foundation of our lives made the choice at one time to follow this path.  It most likely was not something that was instantly thrust upon us.  Instead, after a great deal of searching, we determined that we were better suited for this journey as opposed to the "normal".

The idea of committing to the lifestyle is independent of the people in it.  This is a crucial point to remember.  I encounter so many, usually reading their profiles, who are disgusted with the people (usually online) they encounter.  The basic truth is that it is not easy to sift through all the garbage that is out there.  At the same time, contrary to what many believe, BDSM relationships require a great deal of work.  Just because a submissive and dominant join together, that is not a guarantee for success.  Fundamental interpersonal skills are still required.  After a series of failures, the individual either begins to question whether BDSM is for him/her or allows the frustration to take over and consider the idea of returning to the vanilla world.

What I see happening in instances like this is the individual is wavering in the commitment made to the lifestyle.  The analogy I like to use is regarding sexuality.  Does one question whether he is heterosexual simply because a relationships, or a series of relationships, went bad?  In a few instances, the answer is yes.  Yet this is not the majority.  Most understand that the choice in sexuality was not the cause for the failures although they might not truly comprehend what created it.  Nevertheless, their commitment to their chosen sexual ideal is not open to debate.

We do not see the same thing in BDSM.  Upon encountering resistance because of all the pretenders out there, our BDSM aficionado starts to turn away from the lifestyle.  The foundation is starting to crack since the commitment level is declining.  Again, the dependence upon others is the condition for the commitment.  Sadly, this might be part of the reason why the BDSM interactions failed.  In my last post, I wrote about the tire kickers and how they feel BDSM is like a new car; something you test drive.  Of course, if you are the person on the other side of that, the one who is committed to BDSM, encountering these types too often is extremely frustrating.  It is understandable how the irritation grows when continually experiencing this.  However, like one does not begin to question his sexuality, it is best to follow the same course with BDSM.

What Brought You To BDSM?

Perhaps it is best to take a step back.  You might want to ask yourself "what brought you to BDSM?".  In other words, why are you here?  Since this is an alternative lifestyle, the odds are great that you were not raised in this atmosphere.  People typically raise their children with the cultural norms they believe in which is most often "normalcy".  Hence we see vanilla, equal parity, heterosexual relationships considered to be normal.  Everything else outside of that is termed "alternative".  Ergo, something brought you here; what was it?

The answer to this question is usually dissatisfaction.  Society, in its' promotion of dogma, sells us on a lot of outcomes.  One of the basic tenets is that by following the path laid out, one will achieve happiness and fulfillment.  However, if that outcome was attained by us, then none of us would be in BDSM.  The search we undertook came as a result of dissatisfaction with our present circumstances.  Perhaps you are one who went through a couple of divorces.  Or worse, maybe you found yourself in a "dead" marriage that was going nowhere.  Many of us were alone having seen every intimate relationship we had blown up for one reason or another.  Whatever the specifics, the bottom line is that we were not fulfilled adhering to society's plan.

Hence we undertook our journey.  While the course of action many take is varied, at some point some research was engaged upon.  In this era, with the Internet making information readily available, most of us began reading websites/blogs about the subject.  Over time, through the increase in knowledge coupled with our own internal search, we realized that BDSM offered us something the traditional was lacking.  The idea of being involved in power exchange relationships sat well with us.  This started us on our journey towards lifetime fulfillment.

My point with all of this is we often lose sight of the basis which created our decision in the first place.  People are afflicted with the idea that the "grass is always greener" elsewhere.  Many of us find ourselves uninvolved in BDSM relationships only to have our faces rubbed in it when we see our friends and family happily getting involved in vanilla success.  Thus, our minds start to question whether or not we would be better off returning to that path.  At this point I will tell you that this line of thinking is a mistake.  I personally pulled this trick only to conclude I was no more suited for vanilla than previously.  The relationship structure was no more suited to me than before.  I think most find this out if they are honest with themselves.

Nevertheless, we see how easy it is for someone to forget the more distant experiences while only remembering the most recent pain.  Yes, it is painful to experience the pitfalls dealing with all the pretenders online.  However, do not think for a moment that the vanilla dating sites are free from the infestation of cons and liars either.  They are not.  At the same time, this course is not about the other people.  While this seems counter intuitive especially when one is alone, the thing to remember is this journey is about oneself.  It is the examining of what is at one's core which leads to the decisions we make.  BDSM is a natural choice for those who are in touch with their domination and submission cores.

Shakespeare wrote "to thy own self be true".  Notice he did not put "contingent upon other people".  We all have to decide what we want in life.  This is a decision that is ultimately up to us.  Some might find this hard to believe but we are responsible for our own happiness.  The choices you make will lead to that.  Taking responsibility for this is what allows us to enjoy freedom.  It is when we pass this off to others that we encounter emotional bondage (and not the good kind either).  Making a conscious choice to pursue BDSM based upon the observations and insights into the events of our lives is a step to freedom.  Many take it.  However, a fair portion of these people go right out the same door when they encounter some difficulty.  Of course, this is not to say that BDSM is for everyone who encounters it.  There are plenty who have no interest in our way of life.  Yet for those select few who know what their core is, there really is no other choice but to abide by your original decision.  The vanilla world either is or it is not for you.  If it was not at one time, why do you think it will be now?  Persistence is a trait that emerges when one is fully committed.  If you have a commitment to the BDSM lifestyle and stick with it, you will find what you need.  Do not treat BDSM like you would an outfit meaning you toss it aside when it does not feel like it fits properly.  Running is never an option.

Remember, it is always helpful to remind yourself what brought you to this way of life in the first place.  There is great power in remembering the pitfalls and emotional pain of the past.  This might offer the stimulation to stick with it.  Contrary to popular belief, the grass is not always greener on the other side.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

 Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 12, 2013

Fully Committed

There is little that is more frustrating to those in search of a potential partner within the BDSM community, especially online, than dealing with the "game players".  These people tend to take on different names depending upon who you speak to.  Personally, I prefer to use the term "pretender".  I find this fitting since these are those who approach BDSM in terms of play.  They are not serious about it.  To them, it is just a game like children play when they pretend to be "cops and robbers" or "the princess in the castle".  It is not reality so much as a childhood fantasy.  What is sad is this mindset is similar in those who want to "pretend" at BDSM.

Basis For Success

Obviously the pretenders are not the main core of the BDSM world.  While they might seem great in number, and perhaps online they are, they do not make up the fundamental core of what BDSM is.  If you search, there is a huge community of people who are serious about this lifestyle.  At the same time, these people make it a central part of their life.  The are not pretending at anything while investing the time to learn what it takes to succeed.

Before going any further, I want to relate a story to you that I read many years ago.  Most all of you are familiar with the name Henry Ford.  He was the founder of the Ford Motor Company and inventor of the Model T.  He was also the originator of the assembly line which became the basis of the manufacturing world. 

Henry Ford decided one day that he wanted to have an 8 cylinder engine.  He called together his engineers and told them he wanted to create this.  Their response was that "it is impossible".  Ford would hear none of it.  He sent his engineers away with the task of developing this.  After 6 months, as the story goes, Ford checks in with them only to learn that they had nothing.  Again, he was told "it is impossible".  At this point, Ford told them that "he will have it" so to figure it out.  Another 6 months go by with the same result.  Now, since I am trying to recall the story from memory, I am not exactly sure how much time passed but since we know that plenty of cars have a V-8 engine in them, Ford did get what he wanted.

 So what was the basis for his success?  The same foundation that is necessary for success in any endeavor in life: commitment.

What separated Ford from many others was his ability to fully commit himself to his ideas.  As you can see in the aforementioned story, he was totally committed to having this technology.  Nothing was going to stand in the way of it.  Never did he waffle in his resolve for success.  He had it in his mind that it would be his.  Now, I ask you, if you approached BDSM with this same resolve, what would your chances of success be?

Tire Kickers

It is amazing to witness what way people approach this lifestyle.  There are so many profiles I come across when scouring the net which have things 100% backwards.  Usually people who are new will mention something about that before following it up with stating "I want to get involved with someone to see if this is for me".  A statement such as this completely blows my mind.  Why would anyone take such an approach?

My long time readers know I like to make points by taking things to the absurd.  Well, in this instance, I ask all my heterosexual readers, how many of you are willing to get into a gay relationship just to "test things out"?  I am going to guess very few of you.  The reason you are unwilling is because you are fully committed to be heterosexual.

Now let us compare the person who is questioning his/her sexuality.  Does a person instantly get into a homosexual relationship to determine if it is for him/her?  Not usually.  This person will often do some research first.  Of course, this might entail reading stuff online about the homosexual lifestyle.  It could also include talking to gay friends or relatives about it.  Professional counseling from people skilled in that area also might be a course to follow.  Perhaps one begins to frequent gay establishments/clubs to interact more with gay people.  Finally, an internal search takes place to determine whether the person is gay or not.

Sadly, this is not what we witness what happens in the BDSM world.  Instead, we see the exact opposite.  An individual will often want to get into a relationship before he or she decides whether this if what is wanted.  I call these people "tire kickers" because they are approach the BDSM lifestyle like they do when entering a showroom looking at a new car.  They will kick the tires to see if it is for them.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered this exact topic.  In what I phrased the "Submission Process", I detailed how one needed to "submit" to the lifestyle first.  What I mean by this is that one needs to commit to the BDSM lifestyle before he or she can seriously make a commitment to another.  To do so in any other order is putting the proverbial cart before the horse.  As I alluded to earlier, the only way one can enjoy success in the BDSM world is to be committed to it.  If one can adopt the mindset of Henry Ford, one is sure to put forth the necessary effort needed to garner whatever is available within this lifestyle.  In fact, if you are to do that, full commitment is necessary.  Anything less will leave the door open for an alternative outcome.

It All Starts From Within

Over the years I wrote extensively how the BDSM journey is one with.  So many look at the way the lifestyle is promoted online only to arrive at a misunderstanding.  BDSM is not about whips and chains although that is a part of it.  The imagery put out by the porn industry is meant to sell their videos not properly represent how we live.  At the same time, the BDSM "romance" novels glorify, especially M/s, in ways that are totally unrealistic.  Everyone needs to accept the fact that we live in the real world.  To try and disassociate ourselves from it is not healthy nor practical.

The starting point for any individual is to be firmly committed to this way of life.  If you are a person who is certain this is for you, then it is an easy decision.  However, if you are just starting to explore what is offered, commit to putting for the time and effort to learn what is going on.  Make this a study while looking within yourself to conclude whether this is for you or not.  Do not rush ahead to involve another before you have that clarity. Sure, there are many instances where that approached work but I will divulge that the odds are against it.  Knowing thyself is of the utmost importance.  This will only assist you when you do begin the process of seeking another.

Our level of commitment is tied directly to the level of success we enjoy.  People who give feeble attempts at things are never committed.  Hence, they attain feeble results.  I suggest you elevate your pursuit of this lifestyle by committing whole-heartedly to it.  You will find that your actions differ when you do that.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 8, 2013

The World Is Crazy

What is normal?  Have you ever sat down and really thought about it?

Society is known to indoctrinate us into a particular belief system.  Every culture does this.  Of course, depending upon which side of the fence you are on, we are right and they are wrong.  We saw this throughout the ages with the religious wars.  When you think about it, weren't these nothing more than a conflict in dogma.  The idea that "my God is right and yours is wrong" is code for "my indoctrination is correct and yours wrong".  Ultimately, how many of these people actually thought about what they believe?  If society is any indication, the answer is very few.

BDSM: A Stray From The Norm

Over the years, I am fortunate to witness the mental break that is required to fully embrace the BDSM world.  This process started with myself and expanded to the witnessing of others as they shed the chains of "normalcy thinking".  In fact, I am firmly convinced that nobody is able to fully reach his/her potential within this lifestyle unless her or she fully questions the belief system that was implemented.

Society tells us what path to follow.  While it does not explicitly come out and say it, we are told how to behave.  We "sense" what is normal.  Consider the mantras you heard over the years.  Marriage is between a man and a woman.  Go to school, get good grades, find a job, get married, live happily ever after.  Get your head out of the clouds and plant your feet firmly on the ground.  Messages like these have an impact upon what we believe.

At the same time, we are well aware that our sexual interests are also shaped outside of ourselves.  Madison Avenue is notorious for telling us what is sexy and who we should be attracted to.  Of course, the message is that anyone outside of this is unattractive.  Religious institutions also are prolific for taking over our sex lives.  Anal sex is a sin.  So is sex outside the bonds of marriage.  Sex only for procreation.  The list goes on.  My point is we also see that our beliefs in this area are shaped by these outside influences.

The fortunate thing is that BDSM strays from this common thinking.  People question what they believe.  Certainly, the fact that we do this makes us stand apart from those we know.  This is why it is cautioned about telling others of your decisions.  Few will understand.  The basic truth is that few of them ever took the time to look at what they believed.  An "alternative" lifestyle requires, by its very definition, the need to alter one's mindset.

Way Too Serious

My observation is that the world, and those in it, are way too serious.  I say this not in jest but as a statement of observation.  People believe their own thinking.  To me, this is insanity i.e. crazy.  How can someone defend their beliefs when they were not consciously chosen?  At the same time, why would anyone ever put themselves into a situation where their thoughts created such misery?  Sadly, I cannot answer these questions but understand that it takes place everyday all over the world.

Most people are miserable.  They lead lives which are uninspired.  Many of us in BDSM realize this since we were in the same mindset at one point in our lives.  There are a large number of us who followed the "normal" path to happiness only to find it lacking.  We were married a time or two (or three or four) only to end up completely miserable.  Over time, we realized what was promised to us by society if we did the "obedient" thing was a lie.  It simply did not exist.  Yet most of society still operates under this exact premise. 

BDSM is an exercise in exploration.  One cannot undertake this way of life without investigating all the wonders and pitfalls that it offers.  It is a journey of growth.  As I often point out, this is about a lot more than whips and chains.  Those who are serious about this way of life while making it a core part of it, understand the effort required to find "one's place".  There are so many different ways one can go that the possibilities are almost endless.  This is a far cry from the average person out there who simply (and blindly) follows the ideas presented by the majority.

I feel that BDSM is about growth.  While this is a serious matter, it is also something that we need not take so seriously.  Life is suppose to be fun.  BDSM offers us a means to express ourselves how we see fit (as compared to how others want us to be).  Society will look down upon us for acting upon our individual desires while shunning its dogma.  However, when you seriously look around society and the people who make it up, is there a reason to follow them?  They wear their unhappiness on their faces throughout the day.  You do not even need to speak to them to realize how miserable they are.  We see this point evidenced by the increase in drugs prescribed for depression and alcoholism/drug abuse.  Basically, they are the walking dead.

Remember these ideas the next time someone questions you or the decisions you make regarding this lifestyle.  It is best to step back and bear in mind that you are not the crazy one.  The world itself is crazy and those who are "normal" are most often the nuttiest of all. 


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

December 3, 2013

24/7 M/s In This Era

Things changed over the years.

This is a statement that all of us heard repeatedly.  Sadly, it was usually from an elderly relative like a grandparent yearning for days of yore.  Every generation encounters this as the fabric of society seemingly tears apart before our eyes.   This is true when people mix in their own moral interpretation of how things should be.  I recall reading a story about how Sinatra was once looked upon as the one who was going to bring down society.  Then, a couple decades later, Elvis and his swinging hips was the cause.  Of course, how could orgies not break out across the land with an entertainer swinging his hips like that.  Then we got the Beatles/Rolling Stones who sang that "Rock n Roll".  And so on down the line.  What is amazing is society is still here albeit on life support.

BDSM also witnessed a change throughout the years.  Over time, the meaning of what certain things meant were altered to fit the times.  I will say that this is not a post proclaiming the desire for the "good ole days".  Instead, I want to point out how some things changed especially how it pertains to the M/s relationship.

Outside Realities

One thing many people seem to overlook is the fact that they live in the real world.  No matter how much we want to deny that this is the case, our choice of lifestyle is a personal one.  Nevertheless, we are still mandated to live within the confines of society.  Those who stray too far from this quickly realize that society has mechanisms in place to deal with people who overtly behave in contradictory ways.  Usually this involves a set of handcuffs and a cage but not in the way us kinksters like.

At the same time, we operate under the same conditions as everyone else.  Nothing frustrates me more than to see new people enter this lifestyle and watch them act as if they are exempt from the realities I am discussing.  They get upset when they have to deal with financial, health, and family issues.  For some reason, they believe that simply because they chose an alternative path, they should forgo all the realities of life that everyone else has.  Sadly, this is not the case.  The truth is we all have rent or a mortgage payment to make.  Each of us has people to answer to at work.  The problem with families is we do not get to choose them hence have to deal with what we have.  Get over it.  Welcome to the real world.

It is the outside realities, or more specifically the change in them, that has affected the Master/slave realm.


The ultimate (in terms of extremeness) of the dominant/submissive relationship is M/s.  Actually, more specifically, it is 24/7 M/s.  Under this structure, a person is owned completely by the Master.  All decisions are made by the dominant with the submissive dutifully obeying.  Of course, with power comes great responsibly.  Thus the Master is obliged to act in the best interest of the slave by maintaining safety, discipline, and sound decision making.  It is a consensual relationship whereby all power is given over to the dominant party.

Like everything else in the world, this too noticed a change over the years.  Before going into what happened, I would like to delve into what was commonly witnessed years ago.  There is a segment of the BDSM lifestyle which is called "1950s Household".  Under this scenario, a couple will structure their relationship to mimic what life was like in the 1950s.  More to the point, people emulate the power structure of that time when the male had the power while the woman was demur and obedient.  At the same time, he was the provider while she took care of the household and kids.  Outside work was not part of her obligation hence putting at mercy of her husband financially.  In essence, all control was with him.

This is where the outside changes affect the BDSM world.  The main problem with the 1950s Household is that it is nor feasible in most instances.  Our economic world changed to the point where most people need both incomes to make ends meet.  It is only a small percentage who are able to establish the structure I just mentioned.  For this reason, both parties tend to work meaning they have someone else to answer to.  Of course, this creates a bit of a dilemma for a slave since she is, by definition, property and answers to her Master.

So how do we deal with this situation?  As you can see, full-time 24/7 service is not possible.  If one has to work outside the house, she is not available to serve her Master.  A portion of her day is tending to the obligations of another entity other than him.  In return, one receives a paycheck which, in true M/s, is turned over to the Master.  Because of this he does benefit from her service to him which is the core essence of a M/s relationship.  However, she is not available to him 24/7 since her working hours are dictated by someone outside the home.

Does this mean that M/s is diluted?  Not at all.  It is just one of the many realities that we deal with in life.  As things change, we adapt.  M/s is still based upon the foundation of total power exchange.  A slave exists solely for the benefit and pleasure of her Master.  Everything she does is in fulfillment of this overriding responsibility.  The essence of a slave did not change, just the circumstances we live in.

Keep in mind, that it is the Master's "choice" whether she works or not.  I put the word choice in quotes because, realistically, there usually is not a choice since financial conditions dictate this course of action.  Nevertheless, a slave can take solace knowing that she is working for his benefit and a Master can enjoy the fact that she is out there for him.  While we see restrictions upon what used to be, it does not mean that we are not forging ahead in a manner which meets our requirements.  M/s is still alive even if, in most instances, full time service is not available.

Remember, as the world changes, we adapt to be able to exist within it.  BDSM is a lifestyle choice that is not going anywhere.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

 Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

A Master’s Viewpoint Of The BDSM World Blak Magik is Designed by productive dreams for smashing magazine Bloggerized by Blogger Template © 2009