Protecting Oneself

Safety is something that everyone needs to be concerned about. It is the number one priority that each person, whether submissive or dominant, needs to have in their life. BDSM contains some dangerous aspects. Couple that with the fact that the online world is full of vultures and one soon realizes how easy it is to put oneself in a difficult situation.

Craziness

It is sad to say but some people are simply crazy. This might seem like an over-reaching statement but it is something that I find completely true. While most online people might not be ready for the sanitarium, they definitely exhibit behavior that is neurotic.

I recently read an online post by an individual who mentioned his play date. In it he discussed how himself and the other individual chatted online and agreed to meet for a weekend together. He drove up and dominated this individual. After spending some in person time together this individual stated that perhaps they weren't compatible, and while they had fun, it was best to leave it at that. Evidently the other person was understanding and compliant with this. It seemed everything ended on a good note.

Here is where things get wacky. A couple of days later this individual received an angry email from the other one mentioning how badly he hurt him. To further the damage, he spread rumors around the site they met on and threatened to go to his work and expose him.

As you can see, this is a play date that went bad. Here is an individual who is evidently dealing with some mental issues. To go from an agreeable parting to vile anger in a couple of days shows something is amiss (of course we are presuming what the poster is relating is accurate-but for example sake it works). This is a person who is emotionally unstable in some capacity.

Safety On All Levels

Safety is often only mentioned in the physical sense. Many write about how to properly hold a scene and ways to engage in risky behavior while preventing injury. These are worthwhile tips and all of them should be followed. Nevertheless, there are many other ways that one needs to protect him or herself.

I find that submissive people are in a quandary regarding safety because it goes counteractive to the goal that is sought. A submissive person aims to give control over to another. This puts him/her in an extremely vulnerable position. In effect, the safety of this person becomes of the responsibility of the dominant. While this is rightly so, many will not uphold this responsibility which can cause tremendous damage.

Therefore, it is the onus of a submissive to protect him/herself from harm. This is counter intuitive to the submission process but a vital step until all facts are brought into the open. Many are too quick to entrust someone who is ill-equipped to handle the responsibility. Therefore, one needs to ensure safety and cede that trust slowly. A BDSM relationship is not a sprint as much as a marathon. Moving forward at an unacceptable pace is what causes injury (or worse).

It Starts With You

One of the levels where safety is paramount is psychologically. As a dominant, one needs to be ever mindful of the state of the person that he/she is dealing with. Some simply are not mentally equipped to deal with some of the things we do in the BDSM world. For whatever reason, they have not dealt with some past issues which will preclude safely moving forward.

Of course, this brings up the question: are you one of those people? This is where the onset of preparation begins. One protects oneself by tending to those mental/psychological issues that stem from past events. For example, if you had sexual or physical abuse in the past, be sure you received the proper therapy or counseling so that these events do not enter into any future endeavors. Those who fail to do this tend to have flashbacks and other occurrences which create harm. While a dominant should look for signs that point to this type of behavior, one cannot be sure that this person will be able to safely navigate this troublesome area. Ergo, it is best to handle the situation oneself and remove the potential pitfall.

The same concept applies to a BDSM scene. I always suggest only playing with someone you know and has the ability to safely engage in whatever activity you are proposing. Many have been injured (or killed) because a scene went awry. While it is the dominants responsibility, again, this is something that cannot be counted on. A submissive should remove him/herself (or use the safe word) as soon as something appears amiss. Personal protection is the only way to go.

Does this mean that you, as a submissive, will never enjoy the freedom of turning it all over to another? The answer is no. Trust is something that needs to be earned. Knowing the ability firsthand of who you are dealing with takes time. Through your interaction together, you will see how much he/she applies some of the concepts we discuss here. If the person behaves in a manner that is safe and sane, one is apt to give over more. This is the natural process that takes place. Through the feeling of comfort and safety, a submissive can free him/herself of much of the burden. However, I cannot stress enough that this is something that has to occur only after a great deal of talking, interacting, and personal experience with one another. It is not something that can be shortcut.

Remember, your well being is at stake.

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Playdate Tips

Many get together for scenes with people they do not know so well. It is baffling whenever I read of someone who met another off the Internet in a motel room only to meet with a tragic end. Times like these require precaution on your part. Trusting the validity and experience of another is foolhardy in the sense you never know if one is an "axe murderer".

Here are some things that you can do to protect yourself:

1. Check the other person out as much as you can. Use any means necessary to find out first/last name, phone numbers, model of cars, home/work address, and license plate number.

2. Meet in a public spot. Do not rush into a secluded area without first spending some time learning about the person face-to-face. Online does not count for real interaction in this matter.

3. Tell someone else where you will be and arrange a time that you will call. This allows you to have a link to the outside world.

4. Safe words. Always a must whenever you are dealing with a new dom or sub. One never can know the threshold that one has. Safe words allow for a pull back if things get to severe.

5. Consider setting up a camera which uploads to a site automatically. This can help deter the crazies.

6. Bring another person along. Even if the person is not in the room, have him or her stand outside the door. Again, this is a deterrent against crazy behavior.

7. Finally, use some common sense. If something seems amiss, or you get a bad feeling, leave immediately. It is not worth the gamble if you think something is wrong.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

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Entry Into The Lifestyle

I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was recently introduced to our way of life. He recently got with a girl who is equally interested in BDSM and all that it offers. Neither has much experience in this area so they are seeking guidance as to the best approach. People who regularly read this blog know that I believe one of the main benefits of BDSM is the flexibility for two people to design a relationship how they see fit. I suggested that these individuals experiment to find what worked for them.

What was interesting about the conversation was his belief that he needed to be an expert immediately. I sensed that both wanted to attain a level which comes from years of experience. They certainly had the desire to dive into it full-tilt. While this is a natural tendency, I mentioned that perhaps a bit slower approach is beneficial. Many are hurt by one or both parties moving too quickly. It is important for both individuals to feel comfortable with the progress being made.

Limits are something that every person needs to determine. Experienced people know exactly where their boundaries are. Nevertheless, new people need the time to decide what they like and dislike. Here, conjecture is often misleading. Many believed that felt a certain way about something only to later determine that they liked it. A good Dom will take a sub to a limit, then try to move that person past it. This requires taking things a little slower. Shocking one is usually not a good thing.

Thus, the lesson of the day is to take things slow. The BDSM world is one that is diverse and exciting. However, there is no need to experience it all in a matter of days. Experimentation is the best practice; find out what your likes and dislikes are. And, always remember, safety is the top priority.

Rope Tying

My entry into the BDSM world exposed one glaring aspect of my upbringing-the fact that I was never a boyscout. Growing up, this is something that I never partook in. However, I see many who are in the BDSM lifestyle who are better served for being involved in this organization. Those individuals seem to excel at knot tying, a crucial aspect of the BDSM scene.

I will admit to you that I am terrible at tying knots. This is something that I never was able to master. I can tie a double and, perhaps, a slip knot. That is the extent of my expertise. Thankfully, cuffs can serve the same purpose in most situations.

For those who are frequent readers of this blog, you already know how safety is one of the most vital aspects of our way of life. Everything needs to take a backseat to this concept. When dealing with rope, one needs to take all precautions to prevent injury to a sub. Remember, that person is putting his or her trust in You.

Those who were in the Boy Scouts are adept at playing with rope. So, too, are those who sail. However, for the rest of us, understanding the basic of how to safely utilize rope is crucial. Circulation is crucial to avoiding injury to another. For this reason, an understanding of the circulatory system is also helpful. I would recommend reading some basic medical texts to get an idea of the different pressure points in the body (and you thought you were just going to get your kink on). A rope that cuts of one's circulation can cause permanent nerve damage.

The BDSM scene is something that is enjoyable for both parties. However, approaching it in a safe manner is something that all need to consider.

Educate Yourself

I mentioned a number of times all the different facets to the BDSM world that exist. Often, new people ask me, how do I get started? My belief is there is no substitution for education. The Internet, for all it's shortcomings, does offer the opportunity to learn a great deal about what this way of life is all about. It is helpful to have some idea what you are getting yourself into.

Like any other area, the BDSM world has it's own terminology. It is beneficial to find out what is meant by scene, dom, sub, watersports, and TPE. Learning the terms will also provide areas for you to further research. Determining what interests you is a crucial part of the learning experience. This will lay to foundation for establishing/realizing where your limits are.

I try to make this site informative with posts that will help steer people in the right direction. Be sure to read a variety of different viewpoints. One drawback to the Internet is that it allows anyone to provide their point of view. Sadly, this opens the door for a great deal of misinformation. Going to a variety of different resources will enable you to see the true information from the propaganda.

There is no reason to enter into this lifestyle blond. Do you research ahead of time to save yourself some pain and misery down the road. Safety is the number 1 priority and there is no better way to protect yourself then being armed with the proper knowledge. Dedicate the time to learning about this.

There Is Only Safe or Unsafe

Many feel they need to enter into the BDSM lifestyle in the "right" way. There is no right way or wrong way to approach this lifestyle if it is truly something that you want. Any who is genuine in his or her interest can pursue many different avenues. The lifestyle is simply that diverse.

Get it out of your mind that there is a 'wrong" way to go about things. More important than the question of right/wrong is the question is something safe or not. Safety is the main concern for those who are serious about this way of life. There are too many ways to harm another even without meaning to. Accidental injuries and even death, can result from a scene gone bad. It is important to be make safety the top thought in all that you do.

Physical safety is one aspect to look after. Another is the mental and psychological on an individual. Many do not have the stability to endue certain aspects of our lifestyle. For example, erotic humiliation is something which needs to be done with someone who has the esteem to handle it. People who suffer from low self worth can be harmed by this technique. We need to stress that safety is the main priority.