The Depth of BDSM

Sebastian Junger wrote a book called War detailing his experiences in Afghanistan with a platoon of 30 men. What struck this man is that, upon returning home, the soldiers miss the field even those it was "the worst possible experience". Many people seem to conclude that people of this ilk are adrenaline junkies who are addicted to the 'high'. The truth is they miss the brotherhood.

Many who have served and saw combat will refer to the camaraderie that developed between the other members of the platoon. Even people who did not particularly like each other, soon forgot their differences when the enemy was in front of them. The truth is that each person knows that his life depends upon everyone else. Nobody exists on a solo platform there. To come back alive, it takes participation of everyone.

The Depth

Can you imagine the depth of these relationships? While I am certain it is spoken about, the feeling is definitely there in the short term. Perhaps it is something that exits a person once he or she returns to the safety of home. However, while in the depths of the battleground, the bond between these people is unshakable.

How does any of this pertain to BDSM? The reason why I mention it is because it is my experience that this is what happens in many BDSM relationships, especially those who are built around the extreme exchange of power. Once an individual truly has the life of another in his/her hands, then that takes the relationship to a deeper level.

My opinion is that BDSM relationships ultimately, when allowed to develop over time, will strike at a much deeper level than a traditional one. The power exchange component is something that is powerful in nature. While it creates an atmosphere of dependence on the part of the submissive one, it also causes him or her to focus attention solely on the needs of the other. This is something that will instantly separate one from the traditional idea.

Love

Many people ask me if one will love a slave. Certainly, I do not speak for every relationship out there and there are many foundations upon which they are built. However, in the vast majority of the situations I was privy to, I do believe that a form of 'love' was present. Now I will state that this is an emotion that I feel differs from the traditional love that exists between spouses. While this can be present, I sensed again that it is something deeper.

Those who study any of the Far Eastern philosophies knows about the Chakras. Using them as examples, I will state that the common belief is that love is located at the heart. This makes sense and many things in our Western culture reflect this idea. At the same time, there are many who proclaim matters of the heart are more powerful than intellectual (i.e. mind) ones because the heart is located deeper in the body. Are you with me so far?

Using this logic, the belief continues to the concept of the 'gut'. It should not surprise anyone that this area is located precisely where all those extra beers reside. For those who do over indulge on a regular basis, then you will not have a problem pinpointing this part of your body. And, since this is lower than the heart, we are taught to 'listen to our guts'.

Therefore, intellect resides in our mind, love in the heart, and instinct in the gut. Traditional relationships operate on the love level (once they get past the sexual stage which is located....well you can venture a guess at that one). This is the creme-de-la-creme. All those people who are deeply in love with their significant other has a deep heartfelt connection. Their love is true.

Domination/Submission

Which brings me to my final lesson. Where does domination and submission reside? At what level do people operate when one enters into a BDSM relationship? Is it the heart, mind, or instinct level? Certainly, there has to be a place for it.

My belief is that power exchange relationships are more powerful simply for the fact that they strike a chord that is lower in one's body. Using the chakra idea, the location of one's domination or submission is at his/her core. And to me, I find that this is located right below the navel at the level of the pubic hair line. This is why I feel that many newer people are overwhelmed with sexual feelings once entering the BDSM lifestyle. If you notice where it is located on the body, it is easy to see why one would misinterpret what is being felt.

Therefore, when one has his/her domination or submission fulfilled, that is a lot more powerful than love. Just like there is power in the heart, I feel there is more that emanates from the 'pubic chakra' (for lack of a better word). We see how the heart is stronger than the mind and the instinct overrides the heart. Using this same philosophy, the fulfillment of domination and submission is equally overpowering. This is what creates the incredible depth.

Multiplies Everything

Obviously we know there are certain qualities that are present in every healthy relationship. Things such as honesty, trust, candor, and compassion are often mentioned. And rightly so. A healthy relationship will have all of these things and more. However, I found that the depths of a BDSM relationship, specifically M/s, multiplies these qualities also moving them to a greater level.

Let us use trust as an example. In my situation, my slave has access to my financial affairs. She utilizes my debit card when she does the shopping for the house. I trust her to spend wisely within the parameters I established and not exceed it. Anything that she desires or needs outside of that is requested for. That is how it works.

You might reply, 'Big Deal. Most married couples are like that.' Well it trust takes on an added twist when you recognize that she is dependent upon me for everything including life's basic necessities. It is my responsibility to feed and clothe her. Her entire paycheck becomes mine. This requires a substantial amount of trust that I will not only provide for her but also that I will not waste it. There are many who are financially illiterate. She needs to trust me that she will be taken care of in all instances.

Obviously this example does not do justice to the feelings that I am mentioning. Some things are outside the bounds of our vocabulary. Thousands of writers have tried to articulate the essence of love without sufficiency. This falls into a similar category. Whatever emotional power love contains, the feelings associated with true domination and submission is proportionately more powerful. To find this out, ask anyone who was in a long term M/s relationship. They will often point to the depth of the feelings and the emotional connection to another person.

I will close by stating that I feel I have the same connection to my slave as the men in combat do to their peers. This journey is one that I am not walking alone. For me to dominate, I need someone who is submissive. And for her submission to be fulfilled, she needs a dominant. However, unlike battle, this is something that continues ongoing. That is the depth of BDSM.

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Love, Intimacy, & Sex

This is not really a post that is isolated to the BDSM community. In fact, it is something that I am sharing that pertains more to the poly community. However, since many within this lifestyle find themselves faced with similar circumstances, I feel it beneficial for all.

Together Or Separate

Love, intimacy, and sex are three parts that exist within a relationship. We can experience any variety within a relationship or none at all. What is present is up to the individual and can actually differ between the two people. None are contingent upon any of the others although people will often claim they are. In the end, it all comes down to individual beliefs.

Love is a feeling that we have for another person. People will claim it comes in many different forms but I believe love is simply wanting the best for another without anything in return. True love is the accepting of a person exactly how they are. It is present regardless of the circumstances and comes without strings. This is something that one gives freely without being earned; it is unending.

Intimacy is the connection between two people at a particular moment. Unlike love, which is unending, intimacy is a closeness in time that comes from complete sharing with another. There could be a physical dimension to the experience although that is not always true.

Sex is a physical act between two people. That is it. In and of itself, it is nothing more. At the most basic level, it is the method we use to reproduce our species. Man, unlike other members of the Animal Kingdom, also engage in this activity for pleasure. One derives physical satisfaction from having sex (or at least really good sex).

Belief System

Our beliefs come into play in what we experience. Many seek to fulfill their needs by looking for these in a primary relationship. What they fail to realize is that they are available in many different relationships.

When we mention the word "love", most simply jump to the idea of a primary relationship. Certainly, love is a component of this relationship. However, there are many different people that we love. We have parents, children, aunts, uncles, and close friends. These are all individuals that we love unconditionally.

This is where the disagreement comes in regarding poly. Society wants to promote the idea of a monogamous relationship. However, as you can see, when it comes to love, everyone is poly. Of course, society answers by stating that romantic love is different. To me, this is an absurd idea. How can anyone place a cap on love? Is there only a certain amount you have for your spouse? If you run out, is it time for a divorce? I do not think so.

The polyamorous world uses the analogy of loving a child. If a parent loves his or her child completely, is that love diminished if another child is born? Does the first child have to share the love with the new sibling? Is the total love divided up equally between the two children? Any parent with multiple children knows this is not true. There is an unlimited amount of love to share with the children.

We see the same idea apply to those who are poly. They have an unlimited amount of love to share with their partners. Adding a second lover does not diminish the love for the first. What is diminished is the time one is able to spend with each person. This is because time is a finite commodity. Love is not. But then again, add a second child and the time factor is present there also.

Nevertheless, when it comes to our belief system, most of us were taught that "romantic" love is finite and designed to be shared with only one person. I challenge anyone to show me how love changes.

Love Meaning Intimacy

When people talk about love, they are often referring to intimacy. They allude to the connection felt with another (usually a romantic interlude) during a romantic moment. Often, this involves sex. This is where most feel they experience love.

The truth is that they were being intimate. This is a deep connection with another person felt at a particular time. Of course, there are many times we are intimate with people without being sexual. There are a few friends I have with whom I had deep, intimate moments with over the years without anything physical occurring. The complete and honest sharing created a level of intimacy between the two of us. Sometimes, I found these situations to be more emotionally charged than my romantic relationships. That is how powerful these moments can be.

Now, the question arises, did I love these people? The answer is yes. However, my love exists even when I am not with them. The same is true for a romantic relationship. A husband loves his wife even when they are not in the presence of each other. However, intimacy is experienced in the presence of another. It is an outpouring of the love between the two of you. To me, it is the intimacy of a relationship that really gets the juices flowing.

Where Does Sex Fit It?

This depends upon one's belief system and how he or she is conditioned to believe. Since, I feel that most people are unaware what they are experiencing, I think their beliefs are irrelevant anyway. Since few take the time to look in themselves, I believe they are blind to what occurs within them.

Sex is an individualistic activity. The meaning that we apply to it varies from person-to-person. Actually, many times, a person will alter how he or she feels about sex. For example, a pornstar might feel intimacy and love when having sex with a spouse but being physical when on set. Personally, sex is not when I really feel intimacy. Again, it is a physical act. What occurs afterwards in terms of the aftermath is where I feel intimacy.

Many are conditioned to believe that sex cannot occur without the intimacy and love. This is a belief that is not only wrong, it is impractical. Let us use the confines of marriage as an example. Does the sex within this institution always involved intimacy? Of course not. There are times when she gives in only to appease him. She is counting down the minutes, hoping he finishes soon. The act is nothing more than a physical way to get release. Yet this woman still loves her husband and does feel the intimacy with him at other times. However, it is impractical to think it will happen all the time.

Alternative Lifestyles

Alternative lifestyles exist because people looked that the ideals society espouses and consciously determines that something different is needed. We all do not fit into the same mode. Looking at our views on love, intimacy, and sex, we realize that much negotiation is needed with ourselves and others. Whenever we are entering into a primary relationship, we need to consider how the other person feels about these things. Living life as we see fit is our personal responsibility.

I am one who is involved in a multitude of alternative lifestyles simultaneously. This means that I often encounter people who look at things differently than I do. There are so many who are open to some of what I am involved in but then flee when they find out the entire truth. This is the nature of my reality but a course that is right for me. I know that I have plenty of love in my life while sharing intimate moments with those who are not sexual partners. Also, sex is something that can make me closer to a person or an act that is for enjoyment and release. I do not feel the need to always place a great deal of importance on it.

Finally, my BDSM lifestyle sees me as a poly person. I believe in the unending nature of love. For that reason, I know that it is possible to have more than one. For this reason, I consider my polyamorous. I have experienced both "V" and "triad" situations. Nevertheless, conforming to one certain idea does not work for me. I seek fulfillment in many different relationships all of which add to my life. This might be contrary to society's views, but then again, it believes that one only experiences love, intimacy, and sex with the same person. This is a belief that I cannot buy into. I only hope you take the time to question your outlook in this area.

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Master-slave love?

There was a thread on the An Owned Life social site that dealt with love and the M/s relationship. This is an interesting topic since there are so many degrees of love that we encounter. Within this lifestyle, we see no concrete answer either. People experience different things. The interaction between two people is personal.

Love is found in many relationships that we have. That being said, we know that "not all love is created equal". For example, we love our children, parents, spouses, friends, and other relatives. However, the "love" we feel is different. Nobody can claim the love for a spouse is the same as one feels for a parent. While they are both love, they vary in depth and degree.

Naturally, one is not better than the other. A love for our parents is an amazing experience. So are the feelings we have for our true lifelong partner. Some might try to classify each type but in the end, it is still love.

In M/s, we see all kinds of relationships formed within the lifestyle. Perhaps most common is the one which has a traditional component in that there are two people involved. These two are in a feeling-based relationship built upon love; it might be a marriage or something similar. Either way, the relationship is primarily built around that love. In this situation, the BDSM component is added to further enhance their relationship.

Then there are those relationships that seem to lack the "love" component. Whereas the situation before contained the romantic love component, many BDSM relationships aren't this way. Instead, there is an interaction which seems "feelingless" from the outside. This is not the case. There are many who have a type of love which is not the toe-curling, take-your-breathe-away. Rather, this resembles more the love has for a family member. It is there and both people know it yet cannot be put into words.

Is one better than the other? Only you can be the judge of that for yourself. Each person is responsible for defining and creating one's own relationship. There are many personality types out there and not all will fit into what you are seeking. It is important to find the type of "lover" you require. Not everyone is into deep, romantic relations. Nor is everyone cold and standoffish. People have a wealth of experience based upon upbringing that makes them the person they are today. Compatibility is something that everyone should prospect for. In the end, it is a vital component.

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Love and BDSM

This is one of those subjects that causes great confusion among people entering the lifestyle. Where does love come into play in a BDSM relationship? Does it exist when there are multiple others involved whether it be poly or a multi-sub (slave)situation? Each of these answers provides insight into the type of person one is dealing with.

Like most of this lifestyle, there is no clear cut answer that fits all conditions. BDSM relationships are wide and varied. That is one of the amazing aspects of this way of life: people have the freedom to structure relationships however they see fit. Unlike traditional which promotes only one basic concept, BDSM offers every variation imaginable.

That being said, the emotions involved vary among the different individuals. There are people who are involved in a BDSM relationship that models the traditional in the makeup of the interaction. They might be married or committed to each other in a monogamous way. Any interaction with others is often just "play" with all emotions reserved for themselves.

Others opt for a poly route where there are different relationships operating simultaneously. In this, there might be a "hub" relationships with the Dom/Master that extends to the others involved. Again, love might be part of the equation or it might not be. It is up to those involved as to what it looks like.

Often a BDSM relationship will have a loving component without the romantic angle. Many are seeking the "Prince Charming" idea. I am certain there are many who fulfill that ideal. However, there are also those who are emotionally devoid of the romantic love. They are not into BDSM for the traditional emotional makeup. Instead, they seek something different.

Does that mean there is not a "love" among a Master and slave. Certainly, especially in a long-term relationship, there is a strong bond that is formed. Is it love? Perhaps it is and, then again, maybe it is not. The individuals involved determine what they experience.

Another aspect that pertains to love is the possibility that it is one-sided. Many slaves have fallen for their Masters only to find the emotions are not reciprocated. While there are probably a thousand reasons why this is so, the fact remains that it is dangerous for one to have preconceived expectations about what he or she will receive. There is no guarantee that what you offer will be given back to you.

The bottom line is that there are many BDSM relationships that contain love as a basic component. However, there are also many instances where this is absent from the relationship. Not everyone has the same approach or ideas about this way of life. When seeking out someone to give yourself to, be sure they are after the same things. Those who try to get more than is available in a particular relationship find they are disappointed.

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What About Love?

Many want to know where love fits into a BDSM relationship?  Is this one where love exists or is it a relationship that is devoid of it?  My answer to that is both are true.  The makeup of a BDSM relationship is determined by the individuals involved.  Whatever attributes are important in a relationship to those people will be present.  

BDSM is not the mysterious world everyone seems to think it is.  The foundation of a relationship is the same as any other.  It is comprised of two people who have similar interests while each fulfilling what is missing in the other person.  We see this same setup in a marriage.  Here are two people who theorectically "complete" each other.  Often, the same thing will occur in BDSM.

As we mentioned in other posts, the major difference within the BDSM arena is in the area of power exchange.  Depending upon the type of relationship, one surrenders all power to the other for a certain period of time.  It could be for the duration of a scene or for the life of the relationship in a 24/7 situation.  Many of the other parameters that are present in a traditional relationship exist within the BDSM world.

Love can play a large role in the BDSM relationship.  I would surmise that most of the relationships in this lifestyle are one-on-one type situations.  The individuals are committed to each other at the heart level.  It is reciprocated by both parties and mirrors the traditional model.  Even if they "play" with others, they still have love as the basis for their interaction. Many times, these couples have taken the step of marriage.  They are committed to each other on many different levels.

Of course, this is only one type.  There are those who are invovled in relationships where love is not at the core.  A prime example of this is the BDSM scene.  Typically, a Dom and a sub get together only for that time period.  After the scene ends, so does the relationship.  Or, there might be regular interaction but the parties operate at a "friendship" level.

I found the BDSM relationship to be extremely flexible in how it is configured.  The parties involved can create whatever situation they desire.  Some opt for the committed route while others prefer a less emotionally charged alternative.  To me, this freedom is what makes BDSM so exciting.  We all have the ability to shape whatever situation that we want.  Love might (or might not) be part of the equation.  It depends upon the individuals.