Know-It-All?

I was recently told of an instant messaging conversation that was posted by someone that reflects the mindset of many who start to indulge in the BDSM way of life. This particular interaction took place between someone who was living real time and an online Gorean slave. As you can guess, you know where this one is heading.

Without going into all the interesting details, the basic premise was that the real time slave was sharing her experience while the online one was contradicting everything that was stated. What really got me was the fact that both started by stating they were living Gorean. This is what caught my attention.

The real time one professed that her Master and her lived according to Gorean philosophies as set out in the fictional series written a few decades ago. That being said, the other had to contradict her by stating that her "Master" and her lived according to what he altered Gorean to be. In my mind, this is not Gorean then-it is something that he designed. Nevertheless, the entire episode showed how some people think they have all the answers.

There is a major difference between book knowledge and personal experience. Whatever you think about Gorean, there is a world of separation between someone who is truly living with a Master in real time versus one who is online. I am amazed how people in this lifestyle fail to see that. For whatever reason, they believe that online antics are real. Sadly, most learn the hard way that this is not true.

Nobody likes a "know-it-all". There are some people that we encounter in life who feel they have all the answers. The bottom line is that we all can learn more no matter how long you are involved in something. This is a truth of life. Yet many miss this idea and end up closing their minds to new information.

BDSM allows for a wide range of creativity and imagination in designing a relationship. We are all free to live how we see fit. Nevertheless, we should try to remember that we are always going to encounter someone with more experience than we have. I personally have met people who have lived this way for over 30 years. My experience pales when compared to what they went through. These are the people that I can learn from.

There is nothing that compares to experience. I always suggest trying to find out the experience one has when you are interacting online. Most often, you will find that he or she probably lacks in this area. This ought to be a warning sign to take what that person says with a grain of salt. Without experience, everything is book knowledge.

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Victimhood

Many people think that submissive types should be looked down upon. They view submission as a sign of weakness. In my book, An Owned Life, I refer to the impact of societal conditioning on our mindsets. However, being submissive is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is just one following a natural inclination. Domination is not better, it is simply different.

That being said, I will point out that many submissive types want to play the victim. This takes someone from a position that should be esteemed to one where they are viewed as whining babies. People with this outlook fail to see how selfish they truly are. Everything becomes about them instead of another. This creates a conflict especially in a Master/slave relationship.

The truth is that everyone has problems. There is not a person you will come across who does not encounter similar situations. We all experience financial and legal issues, family, illness, and problems at work. The difference is how people handle these things.

A commonsense approach leads me to tell people in this mindset to "get over it". Stop your whining and do something about your present circumstances. Being submissive does not mean that you are helpless. Life issues have to be dealt with. We are not exempt from dealing with these circumstances just because we chose an alternative lifestyle.

Individuals who fall into the victim mindset are easy to spot. They tend to want to cry out to others in an effort to gain sympathy. We read about things in their post online whether it is in a forum or on a blog or in a chatroom. They will make witty sayings that they put up in an effort to gain the condolences of others. Naturally, they tend to find people who think like them, thus having a circle of "friends" all sharing misery.

Submission is not about being a victim. In fact, I believe this mindset has nothing to do with the BDSM world at all. It is something that is prevalent in every lifestyle choice. Some people choose to take control over their affairs while others allow them to overwhelm them.

Perpetual victims are never fun to be around. They are one of the worst forms of psychic vampires in my opinion. The continual complaining about life situations will wear anyone down. People like this should be made aware of what they are doing. There is no future in playing the victim. Life is just a continual process of moving from one crisis to another. Meet a victim 6 months later and you will hear the latest tragedy. This is the way people of this nature operate. Nothing ever gets any better.

Resist the temptation to classify a submissive person as weak or a victim. There is nothing between the two that correlates in general terms. However, it is my experience that many will take the victim role. These are the ones who need to be avoided.

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No!

This is a word that we are conditioned to say from a very young age. Some estimates claim that we hear "No!" 65,000 times by the age of 5. I am not certain how many times this is impressed upon our young minds. Nevertheless, it is a lot. Societal conditioning starts at a young age.

When looking at the BDSM world, most claim to understand the exchange of power that is part of our lifestyle. They feel that being in a position to submit to another is what they truly desire. Unfortunately, reality strikes them hard when they realize what the lifestyle is all about.

Naturally, we always need to differentiate between a sub versus a slave. As I write quite often, a sub, by his or her definition, has more control. The submission process is not as absolute as in the M/s world. Usually, the power given only pertains to the sexual arena. Even there, one might still retain some degree of control through the use of safe words, etc...

When one chooses to be a slave, the decision is made to cede all power over to the Master (or Mistress). This means that one is agreeing to follow all instructions as set down before him or her. Here is where the tendency to say "No!" comes into effect. It is something that should rarely be done by a slave.

"No, I don't want to" is not a part of a slave's vocabulary. While I acknowledge there are situations where it is unsafe for a slave to obey a Master's directions, most instances do not meet this requirement. Usually when a slave denies her Master's wishes, it is because she does not want to do it. It matters little that a slave feels embarrassed, upset, or awkward. Her duty is to obey. As long as a Master is treating her in a way that is mindful of past abuses, her position is to carry out his instructions.

Many slaves, especially those who post things online, seem to feel that "No!" is an option for them. To me this shows how disconnected they are from the true nature of M/s. Some tend to make this a regular part of their life. Occasionally refusing to do something can be chalked up to nervousness, lack of trust, or failure to grow. However, continually doing this leads me to believe that one might be better suited to seek out a D/s relationship.

Begin the process of trying to eliminate the word "No!" from your vocabulary.

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Bondage

This is one of the aspects of the lifestyle that is captured in the imaginations of those who look at this lifestyle online. Many crave the idea of being held in captivity in an assortment of positions. Certainly, bondage is a way to emphasize the breakdown in power. Obviously, when one is bound, he or she is at the total mercy of the other person. This is an idea that sounds heavenly to many.

As attractive as this idea is, it also comes with a large degree of risk. Regular readers of my work know that I am a proponent of safety in all that we do. This is the highest priority at all times. We live a lifestyle that is safe, sane, and consensual. Notice how "safe" is the first word.

Abusers in the dominant role seem to think that a sub is their rag doll to be used as he or she sees fit. This is true to a certain degree. However, the dominant one is responsible for ensuring the safety of the one being bound. Contrary to what is believed, safety is even more important than the satisfaction he or she garners.

There are many horror stories posted online about what happens when people forget this simple, but crucial, tidbit. We read about instances of death and disfigurement because one did not take the necessary steps to ensure a safe scene. This led to negative circumstances which involved the legal system. I am sure that few set out to achieve this end when they begin their play.

One of the most basic ideas of bondage is to have all restraints loose fitting. While we want to achieve the result of powerlessness, we do not want to cut the circulation off. Wherever there is a restraint touching a body part, be sure that you can get your fingers between them. If not, there is the possibility of inflicting nerve damage. Loss of circulation throughout the body can have tragic consequences.

Another commonsense idea is to never bind anyone near the neck or a major artery. You would think this need not be said but evidently it does. There are some who just lack the basic mental intelligence to presume something so obvious. Nevertheless, tying anyone around the neck or major artery can cause death or a loss of limb.

Finally, limit the time that you have someone tied up. Loss of circulation can occur without harm for a few minutes. However, binding someone for an hour or more is something that should never be done. To be safe, keep changing the position of the sub binding him or her in different ways. This will allow the body to maintain the proper flow of blood to each limb reducing the effects of the bondage.

Practice these simple but effective techniques to prevent injury during your scene. Fun is not achieve in having the cops show up.

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Emotional Drama

This post might be offensive to some. Nevertheless, it is something that needs to be written about.

Over the past few months, I wrote about the fact that many seem to view BDSM as the answer to all their life problems. Sadly, the truth is that this is not the case. We live an alternative lifestyle. Nevertheless, it does not shield us from the basic everyday life situations that people encounter. Life is still life and fundamental coping skills need to be applied.

That being said, it seems that many who are drawn to this way of life cannot deal with situations emotionally. Their life is continual drama. We see the results in their life and wonder why can't they see their missteps. People live the way they do because of choices they made. Repeated situations are not always the fault of others.

Emotional drama is something that nobody can seriously deal with long-term. Not in a healthy manner. People who tend to reside in this mindset are apt to tear everyone around them down. This includes children, family, and a Master/Dom or slave/sub.

At some point, people need to grow up. I see so much emotional maturity with some people. This is true of both dominant and submissive types. Both have people who qualify for this title. They missed the idea that it was time to grow up emotionally. Life is not a series of crisis that one moves through. If you cannot handle your life, perhaps you need to address that.

It is sad to see someone live in a world of total delusion. There are many who cannot differentiate reality from fantasy. Well, if one is looking to BDSM to fulfill the fairy tale, I believe you are in for a letdown. Life does not operate that way. Those who succeed have the ability to emotionally cope with unenviable situations. This is true regardless of the lifestyle choice one lives by.

Life does not have to be filled with drama. This is a choice a person makes. Some will make like they are powerless over the circumstances in his or her life. The truth is that we often make choices which put ourselves in the path of negative consequences. Accept it and move on.

If you find that your life is filled with drama, maybe you should look at the way you approach things. Perhaps it is time to release some attachment to something or someone. Some people will suck all the life out of you if allowed. This is something that you should take extreme care to avoid.

I found that dealing with emotionally challenged people is next to impossible. These people need to learn to take some responsibility for their actions. Until that point is achieved, there is little that can be done for them. Submitting to a person of this nature means that you will end up carrying the relationship (in addition to probably being physically abused since that is how many deal with emotional immaturity). Or, if you are the dominant type, trying to continually appease someone of this makeup will consume all your time and energy. In the end, neither situation will be very fulfilling.

Growth is an important aspect of life. If one is unwilling to undergo the changes necessary to accomplish this end, he or she will be a burden on others.

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The Extreme Side OF BDSM

Many think the images they see online are what constitutes the "extreme" aspect of BDSM. This might be true if it was real. However, most of the images we see are scenes established by professionals. They are actors playing a role. While the techniques they exemplify are accurate, it is not real BDSM.

That being said, pain is not the most extreme thing one will encounter in this lifestyle. When one looks at all the different aspects of BDSM, they will understand that the Master/slave relationship is the most extreme. Nothing comes close to the immensity of this way of living.

At the foundation of M/s is the total exchange of power. This is what separates M/s from every other type of relationship. All power is absolutely in the hands of the Master or Mistress. A slave retains control over no aspect of his or her life except what is approved by that Master (Mistress). This is a hard pill to swallow if you are not prepared for what this all entails.

Too many glamorize this way of life. For whatever reason, new people believe that by getting into M/s, that suddenly they will be living a sexually extreme life with the One fawning all over them. Sadly, most are slapped with reality when this does not materialize.

To start, there is nothing that says a Master (Mistress) will not think of you as "precious". Of course, nothing says he (or she) will either. Each situation is different. Many seek the romance that they were previously missing in the traditional world. Thus, they believe M/s holds that allure. However, the facts spell out a different reality.

M/s is often lonely, harsh, and unrewarding. There are times when you are overlooked or placed on a "back burner". This is something that many have a tough time accepting. They want to be the prized possession of Master. Being cast aside is not how the fairytale is suppose to go. Well, I would suggest letting go of the fairytale because it is only setting you up for disappointment.

I wrote that most cannot handle being a slave. They will state that is what they are especially after being so obedient while online. The truth is that real time offers a host of other disappointments that few are capable of handling. Nobody tells of the frustration at having to deal with all of One's negative emotions while not being allowed to participate in the positive ones. Few mention what it is like to be ignored while he plays with another. It is unenviable to learn that work, football, and his buddies rank higher than you do. And, it is almost impossible to sit home waiting for him only to get a grunt as he walks through the door and hands you his lunch pail.

Naturally, some of these examples are a bit over-the-top, but they do drive home the point. When you submit to someone in a M/s relationship, all power is removed from you. All the power lies in the one who accepted the submission. This is how it works. Total power exchange is 100%-0%. It is not a 75/25 or a 90/10 proposition. All choices are made by the one in charge and that is not the slave. Your position is to accept while being prepared when you are beckoned. The course of the relationship is at his (her) discretion.

This is what it means in my opinion to live extreme. Tying someone up with an asshook in is a bit more than most can handle. However, I think it child's play compared to the emotional situations the radical power distribution creates. This is not something that is for the weak or faint of heart. Over the years I have proclaimed that slaves are not weak people. To the contrary; anyone truly living as a slave in a successful M/s relationship is stronger than Hercules. It takes inner fortitude to be able to persevere through this particular lifestyle. Those that do are wonderful people with a lot to offer. Sadly, those who cannot are only crushed to pieces. It is the reality that I see on a regular basis.

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Flexibility

A good slave has a degree of flexibility about her. Now I am not referring to the type of flexibility where she can put her legs over her head although that is always helpful. What I am alluding to is the fact that a slave needs to be able to change directions on a moment's notice.

The truth is that people who are high drive tend to have a lot going on. This could be your Master. Because of that, situations will change periodically. Nobody has a crystal ball that predicts the future. Instead, we make plans the best we can while holding a degree of flexibility to adjust. Nothing is written in stone.

It seems that everyone is always asking for a "template" of how the BDSM world operates. This seems inane to me since few ask for this in the traditional lifestyle. Have you ever seen anyone ask for the outline of a successful marriage? Yet this idea comes across in the BDSM community almost daily. Another thing that I hear is that people want the outline for the training of a slave. Again, how can this be created when everyone is different.

Flexibility is what allows us to adjust to the different circumstances which arise in life. Just because one is heading in a particular direction which is altered, that does not mean she suddenly is granted the right to get ornery about things. I have seen this repeatedly from slaves. They want to complain that their Masters changed things. My response is that should have been considered before agreeing to a lifestyle with the basis of a total exchange of power. A slave's frustration is understandable but it is also part of the curriculum. It is imperative to remember that all power resides with the Master.

Rigidity is what causes conflict. A slave's place is to make her Master's life easier. Every fight seemingly has the lack of acceptance at the core. Someone is unhappy with something that is being done. Usually, in M/s, it is the slave unwilling to adhere to what the Master wants. Again, this might sound cold and harsh, but this is the most extreme aspect of our lifestyle. That is why I feel few are really cut out for it.

Be flexible in your ideas, agenda, and daily activities. Masters are human creatures who can get distracted rather easily. I am probably the worst in that category if I am to be honest with you. Nevertheless, whenever I interact with one, she quickly realizes that I am not one who micromanages. Nor do I take the time to lay everything out for her to do during the day. I have a basic agenda which is apt to change. Her ability to alter her behavior to reflect my desires is crucial. In the end, this is one of the things that proves her worth to me.

So, my suggestion is to remain loose and flexible with your Master. It is something that I am sure will serve you both well.

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"Desperate Subbies"

I recent came across an article that spoke of this topic. This section was contained within a larger context, but I felt this particular point was worth mentioning.

There are many online who have recently uncovered their submissive side. This is something that might have been stirring for years or, perhaps, a recent revelation. Either way, a person is interested in giving control over to another.

We are all good up to this point. The problem arises when we look at the background of some of these individuals. Many seem to have horrific track records in the area of life. (This is a generalization but one that seems to hold true) This, in my opinion, has led them to search out approval from wherever they can get it. The result is one who became a "desperate subbie".

We see these individuals all the time online. These are the ones who would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. They get with a "Master" after a short courtship (usually one or two online chats) and then are "owned". Of course, when the truth comes out about either of them, our little sub is off on another quest for the "One". Fortunately, his or her search is rewarded quickly with another One taking control.

It is easy to see the fallacy in this person's life. The desperation is what causes one to totally ignore the experience and capabilities of the other. Most times the "desperate subbie" just repeats the same tragic behavior that is common throughout his or her life. Sadly, sometimes these people become statistics. There are more than a few nuts out there who are willing to go to crazy lengths. Self preservation is an important matter.

M/s, as all other parts of BDSM, center around the "relationship". This is an alternative lifestyle of how people choose to structure their relationships. The success on that depends upon the abilities and interpersonal skills of those involved. Whenever you have someone who is emotionally or mentally unbalanced, there are going to be issues in the relationship. This is true no matter how it is structured.

A healthy self esteem is crucial for success in all areas of life. BDSM is no different. People who lack this vital component are apt to make poor decisions based upon fear. Acting out of desperation is never a good thing. It often leads to horrible conclusions.

The sad truth is that you can rarely help someone in this type of mindset. It is often best to leave these people alone. For whatever reason, they get obtuse when questioned about their behavior. They claim to know what they are doing yet their results show the exact opposite. At the end of the day, these types of people just suck the life out of you. Moving on is my only suggestion.

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Dabbling With BDSM

Often people think that the BDSM lifestyle is an all or none proposition. In reading the writings of many online, and including my own writing in there from time-to-time, it can be understood that one needs to fully commit to live this way of life or not enter into it.

This is a complete untruth. People can approach this lifestyle in whatever way they deem fit. Many times I write my assertion that there "is no one size fits all" methodology. Saying that there is the equivalent of one proclaiming there is only one way to be successful in marriage. This is a total myth. Each marriage is different; ergo every BDSM relationship is unique.

People, especially couples, often start by dabbling in this way of life. Many feel a certain urge in a particular direction but are unsure the full extent of that desire until they actually experience it. For example, many like the idea of being spanked but do not understand how much until it is felt. This is one of the more common ways to get into this way of life. Light bondage is also the other way that newer couples start to experiment with BDSM.

There is nothing that says you have to like or dislike any aspect of the lifestyle. You are free to go as far as you like with it. Some prefer the extreme facets while others opt to just "dabble" a little with their partner periodically. The bottom line is to do those things that make you happy. BDSM offers a lot to those who do the self searching to realize what excites them.

Taking a slow approach is usually the best track to follow. If both of you are new to this, I suggest doing a bit of research online by visiting many different websites to get a feel of what it is all about. On the other hand, if one of you has experience, I always mention to proceed with caution for the benefit of the newer person. This is magnified if the experienced one is dominant. Safety, especially psychologically, is of the utmost importance.

So, begin to dabble to see what interest you. Do not feel the need to commit to everything all at once. Over time, you will uncover what truly interests you. Some want to be a sex sub, others a full time slave. And, there are people in between those two areas. We welcome all flavors of BDSM so long as it works for you.

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Submissive Sexually

Many get confused as to the difference between a slave and a sub. It seems that some will view one as better than the other. New people can often be made to feel "less than" when interacting with a number of slaves. It appears that few appreciate the differences until they actually experience it in real life.

I will be honest in that it is my observation that few have the make up to be a slave. This is a position only for those who are extreme. The act of completely submitting all of your life to another is something that many cannot grasp. They proclaim that they can until they actually experience real time situations which affect them. This is where the resistance arises.

In simple terms, a slave is one who turns his or her life over to another. This person retains no control over any aspect of his or her being. In its true form, everything that occurs is only with the permission of the Mistress or Master. A slave has absolutely no say about the treatment that is received. In essence, this person is property.

There are a great deal who are attracted to this part of the lifestyle. They like the freedom that comes with absolving themselves of any responsibility. However, there is the down side to all this. Can you accept the fact that your pleasure is no longer important. Everything that you are about is suddenly changed to a total focus upon the needs of the Mistress or Master. The image in one's head rarely reflects reality.

The other aspect that many enter into is as a sub. I believe this is where most tend to fall on the scale. A sub is one who gives up control in certain areas of his or her life while retaining it in the other areas. Commonly I found that the area where one likes to be dominated is sexually. Therefore, a couple will get together for some D/s sex and then go about their lives as equals.

As mentioned, neither of these choices is better than the other. Both are acceptable as long as one is following his or her inner desire. Problems seem to arise when one tries to fit into something that he or she is not.

Being submissive is usually indicated by your sexual desire. After that, look at the concept of full and complete submission with your life. And remember, there is a big difference between having the desire to serve and being willing to submit completely to another. Reality rarely reflects fantasy.

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Experience

This is an interesting topic that few fail to truly look at. Here is a simple question: what constitutes experience in the BDSM world? How long does someone need to be in the lifestyle before they are considered "experienced"? I bet this is something that really never crossed your mind.

I am guilty of doing this same thing myself. I often write that new people should seek out people with experience. Sadly, since I do not offer any qualifications they should seek, I am actually sending them on a wild goose chase.

There is a tendency for people who have "been around a while" to consider themselves experienced. This holds for both those who live online and the ones who are real time. New people are often drawn to someone who has "lived" the lifestyle before. Unfortunately, it seems that few who actually post online have much in terms of real world experience.

People who live online have a background with some of the protocols that online disciplines promote. Nevertheless, I will never state that this is something that even compares with real time. I know many will take exception but none who have lived both ways. The makeup of a relationship completely changes when it is moved out of the virtual world.

Therefore, I believe anyone who has lived even a day of real time has more experience than one who is online. In fact, this concept is held by the true "old-timers" who got into this lifestyle long before the Internet was even an idea. If you meet these people at munches you will quickly understand how they laugh off the online idea. To old timers, this has merit.

Real time certainly creates a plethora of learning opportunities. Everyday in the real world is a learning experience. This is no different than any other type of relationship that you were in. However, this is where the problem of experience comes up. If you were seeking answers to marriage, would you seek someone out who was married 6 months or one with 20 years. I would say the information you receive from the person with 6 months might be a little biased since there is a good chance that person is operating in the "honeymoon" period. One who is married 20 years is able to accurately relate all the ups and downs of that lifestyle. There probably is little that he or she has not seen in that time.

This brings up a fundamental issue with seeking people to learn from in the BDSM world. I see many who share all their experience with new people. The concerning part is that a great deal of these people have only been in the lifestyle for a few months. Of course, there are the long timers online who have been around for a couple of years. These are the ones who are touted as "experts".

I put together this blog as a way to clear up some of the misinformation about the BDSM lifestyle. What I relate here is just my observations and experience. I do not profess to have all the answers but I do have enough time around this way of life to notice the patterns that keep repeating itself. Realistically, there is nothing new that is occurring. The pretenders keep playing the same games they always have. New people keep falling for the same tricks. And, know-it-alls come off with all the answers because their way of life is the true one.

At the end of the day, we still have a lot of people turned off by those who supposedly are in this lifestyle. People, with their actions, mislead those who are vulnerable. My belief is that people are in the position they are for a reason. I can only relate my experience and observations with others. What they do with it is up to them. Everyday is a learning experience for me thus I can only presume that I will know a bit more about this way of life a year from now. That is how I feel my experience can be of value to others. Do with it as you see fit.

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What You Should Know

I write a lot about the online interactions that take place and my conclusion how 90% of the people you encounter have an ulterior motive. For those who meet someone they think is real, here are some information that I believe you have a right to. Whenever you are considering "submitting" to another, be sure you have this information.

1. What is his (her) first and last name? Address? Phone number (both home and work)?
2. Where does he (or she) work? What hours are kept? Can personal phone calls be received?
3. How many times (if any) was he (or she) married? Any children? How old? How long divorced?
4. How long was he (or she) in this lifestyle? How did he (or she) get into it? Who introduced that person to it?
5. How many BDSM relationships was he (or she) involved in? What happened to the last one? What did he (or she) learn?
6. Is he (or she) willing to move to you if things work our? Are you expected to move? Where will you live?
7. Does he (or she) rent or own a home? (if so you can check tax records)
8. If everything works out, will you work? Is he (or she) in a financial position to support you? What about your kids, if you have any?

These are some basic questions that you should ask any potential Dom/Master (Domme). If he or she is unwilling to provide these answers, I would suggest holding off moving forward until you get some concrete facts. An unwillingness to reveal this information leads me to conclude that one is not dealing with someone who is real. Sorry, but I have heard the sob story too many times.

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The Value Of The Internet

The Internet is a wonderful medium that helped take BDSM from an underworld lifestyle to something that is more socially accepted. While it is still not mainstream, there are many different places that people can now turn for information. Like everything else, the BDSM world got smaller.

Online relationships have taken a bashing on this blog. I write what I see and the fact is that most people are pretending in some way. That means there is also a percentage that are real. This is what I am choosing to focus upon today.

The Internet is a wonderful way to meet people. Because of the expansiveness of it, we can interact with individuals from all over the world. This provides us with insight into the experiences of people we would never otherwise meet. This is a certain bonus when looking at any type of lifestyle.

Personally, I have met a number of people online. Some of these people came into my life only for a short period of time while others spent a considerably longer period of time. However, each of these instances involved eventual face-to-fact meeting. We were able to move the "relationship" from something online to real time. This is an important distinction.

The value of the Internet is twofold. First, it is an excellent place to uncover information. As a reference tool, nothing compares with the amount of information we now have access to. Secondly, this medium allows us to foster relationships that were not possible before. Nevertheless, the value of them lies in moving things onto a personal level.

There are many who met their "mates" online. Chat rooms and other mediums such as social sites allow people to seek like-minded people out. BDSM certainly falls into this category. The ability to filter out differences allows us to get to common ground quickly. This is an advantage as long as both parties are truthful in what they say. It is hard to build a foundation upon anything else.

My overall interpretation of the Internet is that it does work. Of course, I still stand by my observation of all those who are pretending to be something they are not. It is a sad reality and one that must be dealt with honestly. Each time I see someone "heartbroken" over an online relationship, I just shake my head in wonder. For me, I think there needs to be more than characters on a screen before a deep emotional bond forms. Without that human connection, there is a risk of falling prey to those who aren't being completely forthright.

Use the Internet for the advantages it provides. As a resource there was nothing more powerful ever developed. However, it is crucial that we remember that it is called "virtual" for a reason.

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Be Careful Of What You Read

There is much written online about the BDSM lifestyle. Today, through the use of blogs, anyone can be a "writer". Many seem to feel the necessity to share their experience with others. This is a wonderful aspect of the Internet. It is one of the things that took our way of life from the underground and made it more mainstream.

That being said, there is a great deal of misinformation out there. Many are writing about their "experiences" and I am not sure exactly what they are sharing. Allowing others insight into one's life is a risky proposition which one should be commended for. I believe these people have the most noble intents when they post their writings.

However, it is sad to see how many write stuff that is absolutely incorrect. They are voicing their opinion which might not be correct. This is especially true when one goes further out on the BDSM scale to the more extreme M/s relationship.

I have seem some who claim to be slaves when, in reading the blogs, I am led to believe that she (or he) is actually the dominant one. There are little insights such as the initiation of sex by the writer that leads me to this conclusion. While one might have that freedom in his or her relationship, it is not the proper place for a slave to do this. Most M/s relationships do not contain this freedom. Therefore, when one puts this forth as fact, it is misleading to newer people since they will believe this is what they can expect. It is not.

In my writings, I try to preface everything with the understanding of this is my experience as a poly Master. Not everyone in the lifestyle is poly thus it will not apply to every situation. In those areas that I do not have particular experience, I try to draw upon those who I have come across who do. My viewpoints will differ from some and this is fine. Differences of opinion are what make the world go round. Nevertheless, promoting things as if they are facts will end up injuring people.

I wrote much about the online world as compared to real time. There was an instance that I want to share with you that happened to me this week. Over the last few months I was chatting with a sub who was waiting on her Dom. He was located in a different country and was going to visit this month. She told me that she called it off last week. When I inquired why she did that, she said that she was tired of him playing games with her. Evidently he failed to do basic things like call when he said or be online at an agreed time. I am sure this led her to question him a little more. Without knowing all the details, she obviously concluded that there was nothing there.

This person who I am referring to has read a lot of my writings. She told me that "I was right". Now I will tell you that I do not write this stuff to "be right". I do it to forewarn people of what exists out there. No matter how it is broken down, 90% of all online "relationships" end up fizzling in short order. Sadly, even with the best of intentions, there usually is great difficulty in pulling things off. Life ends up being a stumbling block.

My point is that not everything we read is factual. Even when someone is writing with the best of intentions, he or she might be misguided. This person I am referring to might have espoused the virtues of long distant online BDSM. Now, I surmise, she has a different take on it. We can only be honest with where we are at on a given day. Those who are delusional see through that. Anything they write will convey the delusion.

This is something we are all apt to fall into periodically. Therefore, my suggestion is to read that person's works on a regular basis. Momentary lapses in sanity will be overcome. The fruitloops, in contrast, remain out there. Find people who continually share experience and cross reference that with other information that is available online. This is the only way you can get a general feeling of what the lifestyle is all about. One person, including me, does not have all your answers. Be sure to spread your reading around.

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BDSM Is Not Violence

Contrary to the ideas presented online, BDSM is not about violence. Many draw that conclusion because those are the images that are presented online. We see photos of people tied up in all kinds of positions and beaten with objects until tears stream down the face. This is shown hundreds of times a day on sites all over the world.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), this is not accurate. Most people who are involved in BDSM are not violent people. In fact, those who are experienced know that it is crucial to go slowly with someone who is new. There are many people who do not like physical pain nor are they able to handle it. Some have past abuses which will elicit flashbacks if pushed too far. I wrote about this topic in my best selling book, An Owned Life. Someone who is in a dominant position needs to understand the power that he or she is being entrusted with.

To be truthful, most scenes do not resemble the ones portrayed online. The equipment that the "professionals" have is much greater than the average person. Few people have the ability or the financial wherewithal to dedicate an entire room and fill it with expensive BDSM equipment. Also, with people usually entering the home, it is hard to explain to your in-laws what the Sabian is used for. This is a conversation I am sure most would want to avoid.

The majority of BDSM is done in limited scope. BDSM is a wide avenue which allows for great flexibility. Therefore, people delve into it to the degree that they are comfortable. We live in a lifestyle that fosters control, not abuse. Forcing someone, especially when they are new, is abusive. Everyone should be offered the opportunity to progress at the rate they are comfortable with.

Violent images only hinder the true nature of this way of life. In my years in this way of life, I would say that most people tended to practice "light BDSM". This is where there was occasional spanking, rope tying, and perhaps a flogging. These are actions that are included in the BDSM realm yet are not too painful. The impact of them is light when compared to those who prefer to go to extremes. Everyone is different and being happy is what is most important.

Anyone is who approaching this lifestyle for the first time needs to broach this subject with anyone you are considering getting involved with. The same holds true for people with experience but dealing with someone new. There are jerks in every walk of life and this one is no different. However, I am here to tell you that abuse is not what we are about. If you find the images online scare you, then be sure to mention that you are not into extreme BDSM. This is a wish that should be honored. Of course, if you are one who really is turned on by the deep red markings shown online, please email me with a recent photograph.

BDSM is something that can offer so much to so many. However, clearing up some of the misconceptions is one of the most important things we need to do. The extreme side of the lifestyle is practiced by a select few. More often than not, we live a life that is much more restrained then what the pornographic industry depicts. In this instance, perception does not reflect reality.

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Pain as Pleasure

There are many who are lovers pain. We see these types throughout the lifestyle. While not the most common, they are a fair percentage of the submissive types that we encounter. However, there are times when pain is a good thing and times they are not. I hope to clarify this a little bit here.

"Pain sluts" love physical pain. They are the ones who thoroughly enjoy the beatings they are given. For this reason, physical punishment is not really an effective approach with these individuals. In essence, they love the physical sensation they receive from a Dom/Master. Many will enter a state called "subspace" which takes the feelings to another level.

Nevertheless, there is a time when a sub/slave should not receive physical pain. It is at these times when pain is desired for an escape. To give in to that temptation will cause her to endure more suffering in the long run.

There are times in life when we have to deal with things emotionally. Each of us has situations which create emotional pain. This is a natural part of the growth process and everyone gets to participate. When we are confronted with these times, we can opt to face the pain or run from it. Those who face it mature, those who run dwindle towards nothingness.

A "pain slut" will often ask for a beating when she is hurting emotionally. This is called transference. She wants to transfer the present pain she is feeling (emotional) to something that is more acceptable to her (physical). This is a type of pain that she can handle.

The problem with this idea is that we all need to deal with things. That is part of life. Yet, the desire to "run" is great. Therefore, those who fail to confront the present issues end up lacking the resources to deal with things in the future. It is no different than an alcoholic hiding in the bottom of a bottle. He or she never learns to deal with things.

Therefore, be sure to monitor the emotional state of one before engaging in physical beatings. Even though she enjoys it, she might not be able to handle it at that moment.

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An Owned Life In Print

We are happy to announce that the highly successful An Owned Life is now available in print. It is located on our publishers website which can be found here. This 155 page book is available in softcover and covers all the basics of the M/s lifestyle.

You can still order the electronic version of the book on our website. The link is below.

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Freeing of Beliefs

I am in the process of writing a new book which uses sex as the main motivator for accomplishment. In it, I lay out a brief sketch of the history of sexual beliefs. For those who ever read up on this subject, it is fascinating to see how things changed over the thousands of years that man walked this planet.

Contrary to popular opinion, our sexual beliefs (or any other for that matter) are not written in stone. They are ideas that can change with time. We see this consistently at the individual level and witness it over centuries at the societal level. The belief of today does not reflect that of 500 years ago.

For example, did you know that before the 1100s, marriage was an institution devoid of emotional attachment? It was only during the age of romanticism that love entered the picture. Up until that point, both Christianity and Judaism promoted marriage as the mode for procreation. Nevertheless, this idea still had merit into the late 1800s with many marriages being arranged for political reasons. In fact, we still see this in Islam with powerful families uniting through the marriage of offspring.

Why do I bring all this up? My point here today is to show that being tied to our beliefs is an unhealthy way to approach life. This is especially true when we look at the BDSM way of life. To say that many of us are not mainstream is an understatement. Therefore, before we can accept living in this lifestyle, there needs to be a mental shift away from the traditional. In this instance, the concept of equality (or partnership is removed). BDSM is about a different power breakdown. Inequality is the norm. One has the power after the other cedes it over. This is vastly different from the average marriage where both people are considered in partnership.

BDSM starts in our head. Acceptance of the inner desires and your willingness to follow them is where your journey begins. There is something that initially drew all of us who are presently living in this way of life. However, for us to remain in it, we need to let go of some of the old beliefs that were drilled into us by society. It taught us what it believed happiness to be. Nevertheless, we were ones who found this did not apply to us. Thus, we found a way of life that did provide what we sought. Listening to the inner desires is crucial in my opinion.

Free yourself from the traditional beliefs of your upbringing. Begin to question those ideas that you carry around with you on a daily basis. Start to look at the reason why you believe something is right or wrong. Experience tells me this is something that was decided for us by others. The indoctrination process starts at a very young age and continues throughout life. Be one who is able to question what those around you proclaim. It is the key to freedom.

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24/7

This is something that many dream about. I encounter many online who seek to live 24/7 with their Masters. Naturally, this is a noble idea. However, many seem to be misguided with what they think that will mean.

Many seem to feel they are not 24/7 unless they are at home naked serving their Masters throughout the day. Of course, with the rare exception of one who is financially free, this is an unrealistic expectation. Few are ever in a position to live such a life.

The more realistic situation is one that models the traditional realm. Relationships in that lifestyle include all different kinds of time commitments. There are things to attend to such as work, children, household chores, errands, etc... All of these things are a part of life. Living in an alternative lifestyle does not alter that reality.

A slave is going to serve in all these duties. Oftentimes, a Master will have her work as a means of providing income to him. This is certainly a form of service to him and his wishes. Tending to his children is also another way that a slave assists him. Anything that is done to make his life easier is part of her servitude. This is what 24/7 is.

Therefore, if you are living in a relationship that models the traditional in many ways, do not fret. Life still exists and we are not exempt. BDSM is not the solution to all of life's problems. Many times attending to the mundane tasks of life is what a slave's focus needs to be.

Thus, when life gets in the way of your 24/7 relationship, remember all those things that a Master needs attended do. Oftentimes, the simplest task is the most helpful.

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Collars

To collar or not to collar? That is the question.

This is a topic that is highly personal which I thought warranted some thoughts. Many in the lifestyle feel that a collar is important. Others do not put much stock in it. My experience is that people fall all over the board on this one.

My personal preference is that I do not put much into a collar. A slave is either owned or she is not. A collar does not make anything different. Nor does it make the interaction between two people any more real. Perhaps this stems from my belief that I do not put much into symbolism in general.

Many equate the collar to a wedding ring. I can only presume there are some instances where this is a valid analogy. Many make the lifelong commitment to each other and a ring is a symbol of that commitment (in the traditional world). There are some who make that same commitment in the BDSM lifestyle and a collar could mean the same thing.

However, this is where issues arise. How many people are truly making a lifelong commitment when they are offering one a collar? This is magnified when one considers the online realm where a slave is often directed to purchase her own collar. What is the meaning behind that? To me, I would feel that it is rather empty.

Why do some feel that a collar is so necessary? I cannot answer for everyone. Nevertheless, there are some who seem to put their faith in the symbol. It is almost as if they feel a collar will make what they have real. Does it or does it not? Once again, I can only conclude that it is only as valuable as the merit one places in it.

Realistically, how many truly are submitting with the intention of it being for life? To me, if one is to honestly be "collared", there should be that level of commitment. From the relationships I see generated online, the one consistency is that most enter into things rather rapidly. This might be natural yet is not practical for long term success. Some might be able to "click" quickly but most are entering into something totally blind.

So, is a collar necessary? I would say only if you are one who puts a great deal of importance in it. Some will want one; others will not. My experience is that, in most instances, it does not change much in terms of the relationship.

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Dedication To The Lifestyle

How dedicated are you to this way of life? This is something that few every consider but I believe is extremely important. Many seem to feel that BDSM is something that they will "try" to see if they like it. While I am an advocate of experimentation, I often wonder how true to this calling people are.

We live in an "alternative" lifestyle. Thus, we are ostracized by the majority of society. Most are too closed minded to understand or tolerate the decisions we make. Instead, they want to implement their belief system upon us. This creates an "us versus them" mentality.

There are many who put themselves out there over the decades for alternative lifestyles. In the United States, I would say that society is more tolerant than at any other point during my life. That said, there is still a long way to go. The gay community made great strides yet society is still lagging in the areas of polygamy, M/s, and communal living. Their prejudices still exist.

Does that mean that everyone who is involved in BDSM is an advocate? Of course not. Most go about their daily lives without a thought of the bigger picture. That is natural and, often, the most helpful way to be. Anyone who lives this way of life, no matter the style, is promoting this way of life. Most do not have the makeup to be activists promoting freedom in all areas of our life.

However, those who are living this way on a daily basis are committed to it. I see far too many who act like they are testing the water. BDSM is not a filler to make up for shortcomings in other areas of your life. It is something that we choose to engage in response to a strong inner desire. Dominant persons are lured by the need to control while submissive types absolve themselves of this need. We each are filling an inner calling.

There are some who are revolted at the thought of being tied up while others who get sexually aroused by it. This is a simple test that I use to determine one who is dominant versus submissive. Follow your desire with this idea and you will have your answer.

This is a way of life that requires dedication. There are many pitfalls along the way. We are dealing with human interaction. The ones that want to throw in the towel at the first sign of difficulty show their insincerity to the lifestyle. They end up revealing that they were just "tire kickers".

So, the question is "are you in or out"? What was it that drew you to this way of life? Is it something that is still present or were you running from something else? Submission and domination do not change. If either of these emotions is strong within you, then this is the way of life for you. I have yet to uncover another lifestyle that allows the absolute exchange of power required to fulfill the inner desire that each of us has. If you know of one, please email me.

Decisions have consequences. Think hard about what it is that attracted you to this way of life in the first place. You will find that, if the reasons were valid, they still are present. However, if you were enticed because this was different from the traditional way of life that you knew, you might find that this is no different than what you dealt with before. Sometimes it is imperative to look at the common denominator in all your life choices. And that denominator is you. Perhaps that is where you should start place your focus.

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Getting On With Life

The Internet is a wonderful tool. It is the medium that I feel is most responsible for getting the BDSM lifestyle out from under a rug and into full view. Of course, this mechanism created a whole new set of problems.

We have spent considerable time relating how misleading the information online can be. The lifestyle is shown to be nothing more than sexual in nature. Naturally, we know this is not the case. There is a great deal more to a BDSM relationship than sex. In fact, while an important part, it is probably the smallest facet of one's life. As much as we would like to be 24/7 sex maniacs, we find that being in a BDSM relationship does not give us a pass on life. We attend to the same responsibilities as everyone else.

Another side effect of the Internet is the "addiction" that many have to it. We all know the feeling of belonging when we first join a chat room with people who seem to understand us. This is a comforting effect. However, there are some who misinterpret this for real life. Sadly, my experience is that it is not real. The Internet is called "virtual" for a reason. It might reflect reality in some ways but it cannot replace it.

My opinion is that people need to understand the balance that is required and choose to get on with life at some point. An online BDSM relationship has some wonderful attributes in the beginning. However, there comes a point where things either need to move forward or dissolve. Hanging onto something in this arena without searching for more is engaging in fantasy. I believe you have a better chance of seeing Dumbo fly than experiencing real time. If it smells like a con it usually is.

Spending too much time online is a way that some will choose to avoid life. An online relationship is often the filler for an area where one usually had difficulty. The safety of it allows one to claim to be involved while protecting him or herself from the same pain that occurred in the past. My rebuttal to that is that one also disconnects from all the positives that a true relationship offers.

A healthy self-esteem is crucial. If one is unwilling to meet or move towards real time in some fashion, then have enough self respect to move on. There is no reason for you to labor in the online abyss forever. Moving towards real time means real human interaction. Phone calls and an in person visit prove that one is real. Instant & text messages and emails just show that you are able to set up a profile. Do not be sucked into the endless games that are online.

Getting on with life means leaving the front of the computer and getting into real interaction with people. Go outside and enjoy nature. Do something with your children. Get involved with a hobby or athletic contest. Go to the beach. Do something other than languish in the online arena. You will find that you are better able to handle the online garbage with a clearer head.

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How Pathetic Most Slaves Are

This is going to be one of the harshest posts that I ever wrote but it is the only way to awaken some up.

For the past few years, I have scoured the Internet going through different chat rooms. Over that time I have seen a lot of the shenanigans that takes place. It seems that no matter where one goes, it is always the same. So here is the 411 for you all out there.

We all know how there are stalkers, pretenders, and abusers portraying themselves as Masters. These people are a joke for the most part although some can be really dangerous. We do all we can to call these people out and protect the "slaves". This lifestyle is built upon safety.

Over the last few weeks, I wrote a number of posts mentioning the difference between online and real time. There were more than a few who got offended at my conclusions. They claimed that what they had is real. Well, let me tell you, it is not. Until you actually meet someone you are dealing with a fantasy. Get your head out of your ass and smell something other than your own shit. Do not fall in love with a bunch of characters on a screen. Are you that pathetic?

I have people who write some bad things about me from time-to-time. Do you know what my answer is? Who gives a crap? Everyone is entitled to their opinion and since I know who and what I am, I am not threatened by the opinion of others. Many of the "critics" are simple minded fools.

Of course I have something that many are lacking: a healthy self esteem. Most you encounter online seem to lack this essential quality. They feel that everything that is said about them merits a response. Slaves need to grow the hell up. Who gives a shit what others think of you? It is not real. That person is probably miserable in his or her own life. Yet, they still feel the need to take it all personally.

I witnessed so many "catfights" over online garbage. People seem worried about their reputation. Of course, the ones who are concerned are the ones that everyone else is laughing at. Foolishness is transparent. Take a look at how you are acting. Anyone with half a brain knows you aren't someone to take seriously.

So, to all those who are interacting with "slaves" online. Take time to do some due diligence to determine if the one you are considering has any self esteem at all. If he or she does not, move on. Trust me when I tell you the headaches are not worth it. Those who wrap their entire lives up with the online bullshit need serious help. It is a sign of a train wreck they call their lives. You will see how messed up every area of their life is when you finally get to meet them. Instead of being a Master you need to be a savior.

If you are a slave reading these words, get your act together. Look at your life. People do not end up in situations by mistakes. Responsible people own up for their actions, good and bad. Stop playing the victim and looking for someone to bail your ass out once more. It is pathetic. Make yourself worthy of someone's respect. Being a slave is not a demeaning choice, but being one who sucks the life out of people is. The choice is yours. What are you going to do with it?

Now, to finish up this barrage: there are many wonderful people online. Not everyone falls into the category I just described. There are many who I chatted with over the years who were worthy people who I would have loved to have in my life. Of course, often this was not to be. Nevertheless, I am sure they are adding to people's lives everyday. They lived their lives, true lives, interacting with people in real time. They were not wrapped up in all the delusions that play out online.

Therefore, if you are one who always feels the need to retaliate because some character on a screen is "attacking" you, get over it. If you self worth is tied up in what people who don't know you think about you, then you need to develop some true self worth. The admiration from a bunch of characters on a screen has absolutely no value in life.

I will share one story that actually happened with someone who claimed to be a Master. This individual chided me that I disrespected him in a chat room. My answer is that if he wanted my respect, he should earn it. Capitalizing his name does not make him worthy of being called a Master in my book. Nevertheless, he felt that online protocol dictated that I not say stuff in front of "slaves" on the site. I told him he was a joke and to get real. Telling me to be impressed by you is not going to do it. Just another example of one who believes too much of what he sees online. He ought to get a life.

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Equality

Equality. Fairness. Justice. Sharing. These are concepts many seek to have in life. Unfortunately for them, we fail to see them in nature. The natural world does not contain these qualities. Yet people still want to experience them on a regular basis.

One of the reasons I believe that BDSM works so well is that it does not advocate these characteristics. Instead, the exact opposite is endeared. Using the M/s relationship as an example, we notice that the fundamental basis is inequality. The breakdown of power absolute. There is nothing equal about the relationship. Master is in charge while slave is to obey. Simple and effective.

Problems arise when this concept is confused. Many humans want to exert power over themselves and others. Sadly, most are incapable. The submissive type has an inner calling to serve. Her desire to be in control is the equivalent of a "temper tantrum". The truth is that she does not want to be in control. If that was her desire, she was not be drawn to this lifestyle at all (at least not as a submissive).

We see this idea in all facets of BDSM. Equality and fairness are invalid. Obedience and servitude are the norm. We esteem the power and strength of a dominant type while also respecting and understanding the submissive. Both are celebrated but for different reasons. And, both are necessary for the other to exist.

When we look at parenting, we quickly see how unfair this art is. Children are not treated equally. They are usually at different ages with varying degrees of experiences, abilities, and behaviors. Each is taken individually. Nevertheless, both are not treated the same. Some are entitled to more freedoms and rewards because of age or achievements.

BDSM has the same concept. Each submissive type is an individual. She cannot be treated the same as another. There are different expectations based upon her background and abilities. I often write that "one size does not fit all in BDSM". We are in an individualistic way of life. Therefore, to look for equality and fairness is not practical. One will be treated how her Dom/Master sees fit.

If this all sounds too harsh perhaps a different way of life is better suited for you. Many seem to object to the reality that I try to convey in my writing. Nevertheless, my goal is to share what happens when one leaves the fantasy land that is known as the Internet. Many are surprised when reality hits them in the face when they move from online to real time. The main emphasis of this blog is to forewarn people of what really occurs. BDSM is a wonderful life albeit difficult at times. Having an awareness going in is helpful.

Start with getting rid of the unrealistic expectations of equality and fairness. This is not part of the lifestyle. My feeling is that those who seek it in any part of their life are disappointed since nature doesnt operate on this level. BDSM is a facet of the world that follows this same model.

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Real Time

This is a topic that always generates much controversy. There seems to be a great debate waging among those in the lifestyle if online is actually considered a relationship. This is something that I feel bears revisiting. Many will claim to be "owned" or to have "submitted" when they in fact are only engaging in online activities. To me, this cannot be confused with being real.

I have a profile on one of those social networking sites that says I am a female with a fantastic physique. My avatar is one that shows a tremendous build, one that would turn any man on. Before going any further, I want to mention that my only reason for this profile is to use as a marketing strategy for my businesses. I am not interested in meeting anyone nor do I interact with people on there.

Nevertheless, you would be amazed how many people hit me up commenting about how sexy I am and how they would want to get with me. Of course, these individuals have no idea what they are dealing with. Anyone who really who met me knows that I am far from feminine. In short, I could lead these people on if I was willing to engage in their games. I also feel that I have the ability to create an emotional bond with at least a few of them.

What would this be considered? Naturally it would be a big con. Now my question is how can you be certain the validity of the person that you are dealing with online? I met far too many who believed what they had was real only to find there were lies and deception. The person claimed to be single only to later reveal he/she was married with children. Or one mentions being involved in BDSM only to later show how inexperienced he/she truly is. Finally, we all heard the horror stories of the misleading of body style where one said he/she is athletic only to learn that person is 150 pounds overweight. These are all examples that I have personally heard of happen to people.

Therefore, the only conclusion I can reach is that for a relationship to be real, there needs to be some real time interaction. The virtual world is a beneficial way to meet people. However, we cannot mistake it for real communication. In my mind, before something can be real, it must move to some type of regular communication. This includes telephone calls, text messaging, and in person meetings. Short of this I feel that one is engaging in fantasy, especially since there is a better than average chance the person on the other end is doing just that.

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Punishments

Punishments are one of the most controversial and misunderstood subjects in the BDSM lifestyle. In simplicity, punishments are used to shape behavior. That is the only reason to engage in it. Anything else, in my mind, is considered abuse.

The Internet promotes the idea of "punishment". It takes a simple Google search to find hundreds of pictures where women (and men) are tied up and beaten. These images are planted firmly in our minds. Nevertheless, we must remember that most of these scenes are staged and done by professionals. They are not really reflective of the BDSM lifestyle.

Many find pleasure in pain. This is what they like. A certain percentage of subs enjoy the physical whippings and beatings. To them, it is a form of excitement. A lot will enter subspace which further increases their pleasure.

Obviously, using physical punishment with an individual of this nature is ineffective. People of this nature need to have other methods utilized.

I find the best way to punish a sub or slave is to cease interaction with me. To me, this seems an effective way to drive home my message. All subs/slaves like to interact with their Doms/Masters. By stopping the communication, it really allows a sub/slave to think on her own. She really can gain an understanding about the actions which I found upsetting.

As mentioned, punishments are designed to alter behavior. The BDSM world is not about abuse. Punishing one without a valid reason is abusive. In my life, I try to be creative with the punishments to ensure maximum effectiveness. However, there is always a line that should not be crossed.

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Common Courtesy

This is a lost art among people in general today. It is always amazing the rudeness of people even within their own relationships. To me, there is no reason not to practice common courtesy even in the most extreme of M/s relationships.

There are a few pet peeves I have. One of them is to be treated like a telemarketer or a bill collector. In other words, do not ignore my calls when I phone regardless of what is transpiring. There is absolutely no reason for not returning a call in a timely manner even if it is just to say "I am not able to talk to you for a while". This is something that I harbor against one for a while.

Another thing that gets my goad is when people are inconsiderate, especially within their relationships. I am one that, even though dominant, try to say "please" and "thank you". To me, there is no reason why I shouldn't do this nor does it threaten my domination in any way. I guess many feel that the only way to control is through rudeness.

I see many submissive types who are rude and obnoxious to others. This is really true online. Many chatrooms are filled with people who seem threatened by others. They carry an attitude that "my Master is better" or some other crazy idea. In short, people push others away by their attitude.

Nobody cares for a selfish person. These are the people who will suck the energy out of you. This concept holds whether you are dealing with a dominant or submissive type. Complete self absorption is rude. And rude individuals are rarely well liked.

Therefore, I suggest that you might want to consider looking at the tried and true philosophy of courtesy. There truly is no reason to be a selfish jerk. "Please" and "thank you" go a long way with people. Offering to be of assistance to those in need is another way to earn points with people. A life that only revolves around "you" is destined to be a lonely experience. Begin to think about what you can do for others instead of just yourself.

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Time To Reflect

This is a human condition. We all need to recharge our batteries periodically. Time spent reflecting upon the state of our lives is a healthy endeavor. Entering the BDSM world not preclude us from this idea. It is something that everyone should engage in.

Many understand the idea that a Dom/Master needs this time. However, it is my experience that a submissive person needs it also. There are times in life when issues outside a relationship must be dealt with. Sometimes one needs to be given some space to sort out what is wrong. This is not a reflection upon the Dom/Master, but, rather, just something that needs to be done.

Many dominant types seem to get overbearing. They believe that because they are in charge that he/she needs to interject him/herself into every situation. This is not so. Often, the best track it to stand back a ways and give a person space.

Nobody likes to be smothered. This is true in the traditional arena and equally true here. Just because one submits to being in a BDSM relationship, does not mean that he or she wants to be shadowed. Healthy relationships, no matter what the makeup, require space being given to the other person on occasion. This is a fact of life.

I often write that the only significant different between a BDSM relationship and a traditional one is power breakdown. Other than this fundamental fact, many of the same things exist as in the vanilla world. We are still dealing with people and basic interpersonal skills apply. And one of the talents needed is to know when to pull back. We all know how overbearing tends to push people away. People are like water, the tighter you hold onto them, the more they slip through your fingers. Remember this the next time you are chasing after someone who just needs a little space.

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The BDSM Emblem

The emblem emerged in the 1990s from the discussion arenas of America Online and Usenet, and is gaining some currency, particularly in the mixed online community.
The design is by Steve Quagmyr, who explains: 'We wanted something that BDSMers could wear discreetly to recognize each other, but which would look like nothing more than an interesting pin to outsiders. It had to be something that hadn't been, and wasn't likely to be, coopted by teens, bikers, or heavy metal fans, that was subtle and discreet enough so that it could be worn in a vanilla environment without raising eyebrows or questions, but was distinctive enough to be recognized by those "in the know". It was inspired by, but different from, the symbol described in The Story of O [Réage 1966]. The resemblence to a sort of three-part version of the Yin & Yang symbol struck us as a plus; it is also a variation on the Chaos Wheel.' The tripartite design can be interpreted as the division and mutual interdependence of BD, DS and SM; Safe, Sane and Consensual; and Tops, Bottoms and Switches. The curved lines could suggest a whip in motion, and the circular shape oneness and the protection of the community. The colours may vary but the circle and the dividing curves are supposed to be metallic. Quagmyr retains copyright on the design, though encourages community and not-for-profit groups to use it freely. See also The Emblem page.

Story found at http://public.diversity.org.uk/deviant/sscodes.htm

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A Pathetic Display

As most of you know, Roman Polanski was arrested this week for a crime that was committed 30 years ago. For those of you who are unaware of the case, in 1977, Polanski fled the country after pleading guilty to the drugging and raping of a 13 year old child. He lived as a fugitive from justice for the past 32 years. Please don't feel bad for him, he was living in the lap of luxury in countries that wouldnt extradite him back to the U.S.

The reason I am writing on this topic today is because I am outraged at the response of some of the Hollywood elite. We in the alternative lifestyle are often accused of being perverted and abusive. However, anyone who reads my writing knows that BDSM is all about consent. The exchange of power occurs only after it is agreed upon by both parties. Submission cannot take place without acceptance and vice versa. In short, this is a consensual lifestyle.

What Polanski did is intolerable. He is a rapist of the worst proportions. In fact, he is worse than that since he is also a child molester. This is something that qualifies him as a monster. To drug and rape a 13 year old deserves the harshest of penalties. (If you want to read about some of the details, click here).

Of course, Polanski will get off rather easy. Many involved with the case are no longer alive. That being said, he deserves whatever punishment he gets. Sadly, this view is not held by everyone. There are a number of Hollywood elites who feel that we should just leave Polanski alone. In fact, they went out and signed a petition (click here). It is amazing to see all the names who are condoning the drugging and rape of a child. (Click here for list of signers).

As bad as that petition is, Whoopi Goldberg takes the cake. Here is a video where she is defending this vile piece of scum by claiming it wasn't "rape rape". For this simple outbreak of pure stupidity she ought to be shit canned off The View. Tar and feathering her is not severe enough. If you notice in the video she refers to what he plead to, which was sex with a minor. She feels the fact that he was charged with statutory rape is irrelevant.

Naturally this blog is not about righting the wrongs in the world. I rarely mention any national or world news on here. However, in light of all the criticism we receive for our lifestyle choices, I thought it worthwhile to point out the fact that BDSM is not where the monsters reside. They are walking among us in the traditional world. The difference being is that we in this lifestyle have no problem calling out abuse when we see it. It seems that society, or at least the Hollywood elite, feel that abuse is negated if you are a talented. To me, this is a pathetic display by some people who are lower than camel shit.

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The Common Misconception

The Internet is the medium that took the BDSM lifestyle from the underground and enabled it to be more mainstream. While still considered an alternative lifestyle, today there is a lot more information available than existed before. Years ago, the only way to meet anyone in this way of life was to attend a munch. At that time, they were advertised in the local rags that promoted many off-beat activities. Thankfully, the Internet changed all that.

There was another problem that resulted from the explosion of this medium: misinformation. One of the main reasons why I wrote my book, An Owned Life, was to clear up some of the invalid ideas that exist. I see the fallacies that are presented each time I surf around the web. Today, anyone with a keyboard can become a writer. There are blogs out there which are posted by people who obviously have no idea what this life is all about. Sadly, there are those who believe these ideas that are presented.

Online, the sexual side of BDSM is presented. This is the part of the lifestyle that is focused upon. We have sites that have pictures and movies depicting all kinds of erotic scenes. Many of the blogs are written by people who write about nothing but their sex lives. Everything revolves around the idea that "he tied me up last night and had his way with me for hours". Sounds erotic, doesn't it?

While I will not downplay that sex is a part of this way of life, it is just that, a part. Living the BDSM lifestyle is about living. We all have lives that we lead. There are responsibilities such as children, job, and finances that we must attend to. The perception that this is all about sex is wrong. We are everyday people doing the same things most do.

Another factor that is lost in this is the idea that domination extends outside the bedroom. Sex is just one area where submission occurs. The BDSM experience entails applying natural tendencies to all areas of life.

What I witness is a lot of new people who are disillusioned at what they encounter. It is common to see one hold onto the idea presented online. Then, when entering a BDSM relationship, are surprised to find that it is not sex 24/7. They are baffled that they are not tied up nightly and used. The myth is being crushed without any insight as to why. This is were one needs to make the transition from fantasy to reality.

The bottom line is BDSM is all about relationships. This is something that we all have been dealing with since we were kids. Throughout life we interact with others to the best of our ability. Over the years, we assemble a variety of skills that allow us to succeed in different types of relationships. BDSM is no different. Get rid of the fantasy that you see online and understand that BDSM is a life choice. While we choose to structure our relationships differently, we still have the life part. Therefore, if you think BDSM will solve all your life problems, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Get back in touch with reality.

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What Is The Rush?

What is the appropriate courting period in the traditional world? Obviously the answer varies for each couple. There are some who dated for years only to have their marriage end in divorce. By the same token, there are some who date only a few weeks before tying the knot and end up staying together for a lifetime. Thus, we can see there is no definite answer.

The same is true in our lifestyle. Nobody can state how long two people should interact before submission takes place. It will vary for each couple. However, my only suggestion is that most need to take more time than they do. The tendency in my experience is to rush ahead into things without truly getting to know the other person.

Much of the problem with those that I am observing is that they are just being introduced to this way of life when they want to dive in. The analogy I use is the girl who wants to get married after having one date. What is the likelihood that would turn into a success? Not very likely. The same is true here. When one is just learning about this way of life, the worst thing that can happen is to get involved with another.

In my book, An Owned Life, I spell out the 3 Step Submission Process. Whenever I see people taking the fast track in this lifestyle, I know they are mixing the order up. There is a definite procedure that each of us has to go through. Doing things another way than what I spell out usually leads to harm and suffering.

The ones who have a chance at a successful relationship when moving forward quickly are those who are experienced in this way of life. This is because they can usually tell another exactly what they are looking for. When someone new tries the same tactic, it is because they are caught up in the nirvana of the "newness". It is the idea that they are in love with as opposed to the lifestyle.

So ask yourself this basic question,"what is the rush". Why are you so determined to submit (or accept someone's submission) so soon? If this is online, obviously it is less dramatic then doing so in person. I say this because we all know how different the emotions are when real time is involved. Nevertheless, it is best to take things slow. A suitable match will endure a few extra months.

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Romanticizing The Lifestyle

This is a reality check. I encounter too many people who believe that entering this lifestyle will be the cure-all for everything that is wrong in their life. People somehow believe that submitting to another will alleviate any relationship difficulties of the past. At the same time, the idea of "owning" someone is viewed as a hassle-free endeavor. Unfortunately for these people, reality is far different.

I wrote a number of times about the lunacy of online relationships. Too many mistake them for being real. Online does not mirror real time at all. It is far easier to interact with someone when there is no face-to-face contact. Some believe that what they are experiencing is accurate. However, anyone who moved from online to real time will attest at the drastic difference between the two. The bubble bursts when reality hits.

Often, I will equate aspects of this lifestyle with marriage. With regards to what we are mentioning here, there is an analogy that is applicable. When people are younger, especially women, they have a tendency to romanticize marriage. Little girls can tell you all the dreams they have pertaining to their wedding day. It is a fantasy they carry with them.

My question is how often does reality reflect that fantasy? For most, the answer is never. Rarely does marriage end up being the golden path of eternal bliss. Marriage is a relationship. With it comes an assortment of difficulties as two people try to forge a life together. The last few decades witnessed the increase in marriage failures. Reality certainly is different than reality.

The same applies to this lifestyle. Those who carry with them the illusions of some incredible sex while submitting to a powerful one are mistaken. BDSM will not solve your life problems. Just because you submit to another, that does not mean that you are no longer responsible for your children. Financial issues plague us the same way as anyone else. And, Masters/Doms are people with the normal conditions that affect all humans. Life still exists.

My conclusion is that many look to this way of life to try and counterattack their failures in other areas. While BDSM offers something that is right for many of us who did not fit into the traditional realm, this is not something that is going to make up for complete ineptness in life. Some people are just terrible at relationships in general; not intimate but any type of relationship. They approach BDSM with the mindset that this will solve things. It will not.

The bottom line is to get realistic about what this way of life offers. If you are suffering in life, BDSM most likely will not solve it. People who cannot get along with others at work, in school, or in intimate relationships will not fare much better here. BDSM is nothing more than a lifestyle choice of how to structure a relationship. However, we must never forget it is a relationship and with that goes a lot of uncertainty.

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